#i've just been super mentally and physically exhausted recently

[amoripomoea]

i sat down to write three hours ago but i've just been yapping in the sf discord. rip to my productivity

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Hiya, S! Not sure if you're still taking requests but, I had a little idea-

Steve has been working himself too hard, both physically and mentally for weeks now and Bucky has finally had enough and has to go pry him from the gym and sort of force him to relax.. the method he uses exactly is completely up to you.. fluffy or smutty, It doesn't matter. But Steve is kind of denying it all, I haven't been overworking, I haven't been tired at all yada yada, his whole 'I don't need help' shtick so Bucky has to be a little more assertive.

Luv ya! Stay awesome <3

I am still taking requests for right now! And I've been doing a lot, lot of smut recently so I'll take the opportunity to go in the other direction for this if you don't mind.

And thanks!!

So... this is basically the angsty, then fluffy version of this scene 👇🏻 that I wish we got

Warning for Steve being self-destructive, actively self-harming, and, just, in a downward spiral that Bucky helps coax him out of. This sounds super angsty but it ends with fluff, I promise!

Bucky knows when he wakes up alone, just a scant few hours after the post-mission crash dropped them at home, finally back in their very own bed, that he will be able to find Steve down the Tower's gym. Bucky knows this, feeling it down to his bones. Sometimes, he thinks he knows Steve better than he knows himself, and he isn't sure if he should be prideful of knowing his best guy so well, or, if he should be concerned with his knowledge and memory of himself. Either way, even though he knows Steve is down in the gym--beating the shit out of his knuckles with an unrested, already battered body, beating that body in favorite of lying still and letting his mind run in exhausted circles like a snake looping back on itself to swallow it's own tail--Bucky makes sure to check everywhere else first.

He doesn't feel like riding the elevator all the way to the roof, so he asks JARVIS to assure him Steve isn't up there. JARVIS would've waken Bucky to let him know of Steve's whereabouts if he ended up there, regardless, but it can't hurt to double-check. Next, Bucky lifts his weary body from bed to dip his head into the bathroom. No Steve there. Then, he pads, as light on his feet as a cat, to their dark kitchen. No Steve there, either. Bucky sets his hands on the kitchen counter, looking into their open-plan living room. Steve also isn't there, sheltering on the couch, wrapped in blankets, quivering and pretending he isn't, thinking he can "protect" Bucky from witnessing another nightmare (really hiding away from Bucky because he, sometimes, somehow, still gets embarrassed even though Bucky has seen him in every state and never finds him lacking). No Steve anywhere in the apartment.

So, the gym it is.

Without stopping to dress himself any further or do anything at all, Bucky walks out of their apartment on their floor of the Tower into the elevator. He doesn't need to softly request the gym floor. JARVIS already knows. He always does.

"Thanks, J," Bucky murmurs tiredly, standing idle as the doors shut in front of him.

In no time whatsoever, Bucky can hear Steve--thank you Nazi fucks, you absolute monsters, for the super hearing--before he's even left the elevator. It's still descending. Barefoot and in nothing more than a pair of boxer briefs, Bucky leans his forehead against the mirrored wall of the lift, sighing to himself at its cool touch. He prepares himself, tapping his metal fingers against the glass, thinking.

Planning.

What, oh, what am I gonna do with you, Stevie?

He's not upset with Steve. Not really. He's upset with the part of Steve that can't stop. The part that insists he grit his teeth and bare the world's pain and injustice and suffer it all himself as if he has no choice but to do it alone. There's more to Steve than that part, but also, if he didn't have that part of himself, he wouldn't be himself, would he? And so... it's a twisted game. The lynx and rabbit. Chasing.

Forever and ever.

Bucky doesn't know if he's the rabbit or the lynx. He doesn't know if he's either at all. He may be the hunter observing from the outside, not yet sure if he wants to intervene, and certainly not sure who he's going to point his shotgun at. Maybe neither. It hurts to see nature run her cruel course. But what is the alternative? Disrupt? Distract? Should he shout and scare both creatures, leaving them to scurry off with racing hearts? What can he do? What should he do?

The sound of thin flesh and ill-protected bone--just knuckles--against firm, unforgiving leather--a heavy boxing bag--rings in his ears. Ding! A new sound enters his mind. He's here.

Bucky takes one last fortifying breath, not because he's exhausted, not because he doesn't want to deal with Steve, and not for any reason but the scene he knows he's about to walk in on--his best friend, his lover, his everything hurting himself.

Beating himself up. Literally.

Still, Bucky goes.

The pain of seeing it can not be worse than the pain of knowing it's happening and doing nothing to intervene. This is not how it has to be. This is not the natural order. Cruel and sacrificial. Bucky will do something to stop it.

And that something is interrupting Steve in the middle of a particularly brutal assault--on himself and the bag hanging from the ceiling. There's a pile of them waiting to be hung, a grim fate; there's a pile of already strangled bags punched across the gym, spreading deserts of sand between Steve and his own worst thoughts, represented by those bags he brutalized. Steve is slick with sweat like an oil spill, and the smell of grief is coming off of him in feet-sweeping waves. His bangs hang over his forehead, sticking to his skin, gritty and darkened by moisture.

And, God, beneath that bent halo of hair, despite the healthy pink flush covering his face from sweat-beaded hairline to the hem of his shirt, he looks... there is no kind way to say it, Bucky must just say it: Steve looks gaunt. His cheeks are sunken, as are his eyes. With all the sweat coating his weary skin, soaking into his clothes that shroud him, it's no wonder why. He's dehydrated as fuck. Running himself ragged from beyond the blood soaked into his boxing wraps.

And those wraps, Jesus, they're sloppy. Careless. Obviously hurried and barely to be bothered with. They might've started tighter, but Bucky knows at no point were they neat and proper. Steve wouldn't've had the patience. It's a miracle, really, that he's got any on at all. Bucky's seen him go at it bare knuckle until he's ground down to his bones.

Loudly, Bucky clears his throat. But he doesn't make a noise until he's circled Steve so he's in his line of sight. Standing in front of him but just out of the possible path of another exploding punching bag. He doesn't want to stand in his blindspot at a time like this.

The sound of another person joining him jerks Steve into awareness rather than boiling rage and a million other nameless emotions. He comes up from the tempest that was fueling his flurry of devasting, full-weight-and-strength punches that may be enough to wrench his own arms out from their sockets. He freezes so suddenly, caught red-handed, metaphorically and literally, that it looks painful. Such explosive motion to none whatsoever. His chest won't even heave.

He is a grievous statue.

And, his audience, Bucky chooses to say nothing about what he's been caught doing. He won't demand that Steve stop. He won't try to sweet talk him and coax him out of it and back to bed. He won't plead with Steve to stop, hanging off of his shaking, lactic-acid-burning arms. None of those will work when he's so fucking worked up. Bucky can sense it even while he holds himself so perfectly still. He is not moving but he is still vibrating--trembling without trembling, poised to come crashing down sooner or later. The best Bucky knows, is to let him do this, and then be here to catch him.

So, the words that come are sleep-rusty and short, jerking his head to the pile of supplies next to Steve--he's going to wrap his own hands and Steve better re-wrap his while he does.

His bloody knuckles won't stop bleeding if they're going to go toe to toe, and it's not like his dirty bandages are going to do much, it'd take a hell of a lot more than that to penetrate the serum's defenced and give him an infection, but that isn't the point. The point is to hammer home that Steve's body needs to be protected. Still. Even like this. Big, broad, and strong. Especially like this. So fucking tense that he can only relinquish himself to brutal strength or no movement whatsoever. There is no in between. If he tries, he'll break. There can be no weakness.

Bucky will give him the space to find his weakness and then will welcome it with open arms.

So, they box. Knuckles to knuckles. Punch after punch is thrown. Each hit from Steve gets stronger until he's back to nearly damaging himself with the brutality of his own strength, his spirit more than his flesh and blood can take--the way it always has been.

At some point, sinking back into the raging sea of his mind, dropping out of reality itself, Steve's upper lip curls into an ugly snarl and he throws in a kick. Bucky dodges and fakes him out to lure him from the hardwood flooring of the gym where he was wailing on heavyweight bags to the squishy mats in the corner meant for partner sparring.

Once there, he can work through tiring Steve out. Grappling. Kicking. Sweeping his feet out from under him. Taking him to the floor. Pinning him. Punching him. Letting him squirm out of a headlock just to throw him back down. Twisting. Punching. Using everything he's got.

Knuckles to knuckles well past the point of Steve's blood soaking his fresh wraps. Steve's scarlet blood seeps into the white of his own wraps bit also Bucky's. Painting them both with his pain. Bucky will gladly shoulder some of it for him. Always. Forever.

Punch. Kick. Punch. Punch. Kick. Knock down. Grapple. Get up. Punch. Punch. Kick. Punch. Punch. Kick. Knock down. Grapple. Get up. Punch.Punch.KickPunchPunchKickKnockdowngrapplegetuppunchpunchkickpunchpunchkickgrapplepunchpunchkickpunchpunchkickgrapplepunch--

On and on, Steve goes like a wind up toy.

All action until he can't be anymore. It's sudden. And it's right fucking then when he has no more energy, no more effort left inside him, that he withers and wilts. No matter, Bucky can see it coming a mile away from how his combos get sloppy, slower and less offensive, more drawn in and defensive, to how his breathing stutters, going from disciplined and practiced to something of sobs barely reined in with a lash ditch bit of effort to hide how hard he's about to crash. He can't stay on edge forever, though. And when he crashes and burns, Bucky swoops in, not to bunny punch him, popping him with a flurry of hits, but to catch him before he can fall flat on his face.

Bucky won't even let his knees touch the ground, gathering him up with ease. Bucky is so fucking grateful for the few couple of hours he has on Steve, keeping him from being just as exhausted and muddy-headed.

Still, not just because he can think but because he knows this dance so well, it's awful. Awfully hard and heart-wrenching, the way Steve curls into him after collapsing to the floor without a sound of warning. No pleading for mercy. No bloody scream of never being able to do it all--to save them all. Nothing. Just a tight little ball of agony willing to go to the grave suffering before he admits he's struggling. A martyr like no other.

In his hold, Steve clenches his body so tight just the same way he had when he was first caught. Now, he's caught in a different way--caught between trying to fight back the shakes and wanting to shake so violently that he becomes nothing but dust. He's so fucking close to breaking entirely. Barely out of reach of giving way to body-wracking sobs, gasping for breath, tears pouring down his face, snot leaking from his body, and choking on guilt he doesn't deserve to harbor.

Oh, Steve.

Slowly, carefully, Bucky lowers his precious cargo of Steve to the floor, sinking them both into the squishy mats where he can wrap Steve up in his arms more fully and hold him together while he cries it out. Frustration. Rage. Sadness. Depression. Confusion as to why him. Why this? Liability. Bloodstained guilt. Every negative emotion, simple to overpowering and all of it bleeding out of him until he's limp and impossibly more dehydrated than he already was.

He is a husk, empty and thin, and Bucky still loves him. Overwhelmingly so, he loves him. He loves him bad.

Bucky pats and rubs and soothes his hand over his back, the other arm still slung tightly around him to keep him held, until his muscles actually start to get sore. Bucky doesn't care, it's a small thing to weather. There is worse. There will be worse. He will be there for him then, too.

He's stopped counting Steve's heaving, stuttering breaths, but after a handful more, he aches to yawn. He won't. Instead, he swallows the involuntary, nonverbal language of his body down, taking it deep into his chest and tucking it away for later. He'll never be too tired to take care of Steve.

Steve.

Steve with his head is in his lap, his face pressed tightly up against his stomach. He's out of tears. Bled dry. His lungs don't even have it in them to suck in huge, unsteady breaths. His whiffling breaths feel like they're painting Bucky's skin with condensation, humid and heavy with emotion.

"Ready for bed?" Bucky whispers when Steve's hands go limp around his waist, so drained not only can he not cry, not hyperventilate, but he also can't cling on. He combs a hand through his matted, sweat-soaked hair. They both smell like shit; they look like shit, too.

Steve tries to answer him, but his voice is shot to shit from all the crying, and all that will some out is a creaky little rasp that doesn't sound like anything. So, he nods, the motion tiny and admitting of how exhaustion tugs at his bones. There is no fight left in him.

"Okay, then, honey bee, let's get you to bed," Bucky murmurs, not thinking about anything but getting Steve home. He doesn't let the ache in his muscles mean anything as he lifts him up bridal style and starts determinedly toward the elevator. He's careful with him. He's still made of muscle and bone, but Bucky knows he's eggshell fragile beneath thick, unblemished skin. He's an illusion and everyone else is fooled, but Bucky refuses to be. "Bet you're tired, huh? Long day." Bucky is saying it to say it. He's talking. He knows Steve finds comfort in his voice. Sometimes, that's the only thing he can do for Steve, not chase him around and tire him out, but talk to him until he comes down.

So, really, he's not expecting Steve to nod again, but, Lord in heaven above, he does.

Small victories in a war, or, really, a miracle.

Bucky smiles as they step into the elevator, "yeah, baby, I know, I know. You gotta be tired. Anyone would be. I don't really know how you were still on your feet, dollface. You were running on fumes. You deserve a good, long sleep with sweet dreams, Stevie."

"Yeah?" Steve's voice is rust and nails, painful to hear but risking talking because he has to. He sounds so urgently in need of reassurance that Bucky can't take it.

"'Course, honey," he warms, squeezing him tighter in his arms, "and if the dreams don't come, I'll sing to you until they do, 'kay? Like I used to."

"M'kay," Steve says, somewhere between miserably and totally relieved, wrapped around him with both fists curled over his shoulders and that blonde head buried in his chest.

Bucky will hold him; Bucky will sing to him; Bucky will be his--Steve Rogers, not Captain America's--shield.

[crow-posting]

⚠️ long post ⚠️

Decided to take my own stab at Void sickness since the idea has been simmering in my head for a while, and I've recently seen an uptick in posts about Void-related effects (listed below).

general traits || super effects || Frenzies || Void sickness by @great-shot-terrible-gambler || Void sickness by @songs-of-future-past

As I previously mentioned in "RZ and the Void," my headcanon is that Void users have (2) main stereotypes: empty (tired, hungry, emotionally drained) and devouring (eating, sleeping, and/or seeking fulfillment). These wouldn't apply to all users ofc, but it got me thinking:

What would happen if the Void was overused?

In my opinion, Lightbearers who exclusively use Void are exempt from most of its ill effects. Yes, they still need to anchor themselves to avoid losing their identity, but they never lose control of their Light. Lightbearers who predominantly use Void, but also use other paracausal powers, are still susceptible to Void sickness but rarely experience it.

For everyone else, Void sickness would come in (3) stages: Hunger, Starvation, and Famine.

Hunger is the most common form of sickness, and the easiest to overcome. Just like physical hunger, symptoms include low energy, cramps, cravings, and general irritability. Supers require more Light to cast; class abilities take longer to recharge; Void Breaches occur more often, but are less effective. Void users are encouraged to switch to Solar, rest, and eat but not overeat.

Symptoms usually resolve within a few hours to a few days, depending on circumstances.

Starvation is the "burnout" phase of Void usage. Extreme hunger is accompanied by migraines, muscle aches, chills, exhaustion and aggression [or confusion]. Void users have trouble sleeping, resting, or focusing, and may binge-eat or drink excessively to self-soothe. Some also engage in risky behavior to maintain the Light needed for supers/abilities, resulting in a vicious downward spiral.

Physical changes are often subtle - while many expect things like blackened eyes and seeping Void energy, the real symptoms include under-eye bags, sunken cheeks, cyanosis, and pallor. Awoken lose the "glow" to their eyes and Exos' bio-lights flicker or appear more dim. (Exos are often overlooked as their bodies are inorganic.)

To combat Starvation, Void users are ordered to rest, eat healthy, drink plenty of fluids [if human or Awoken], and avoid using paracausal powers. Physical and mental therapy are encouraged.

Famine is the final, and most dangerous, stage of Void sickness. It is the stereotypical "beserk, indiscriminate, devours-everything-in-its-path" sickness that everyone associates with Void. Its symptoms vary from Void user to Void user, but can include things like:

heightened sensitivity to Light (allows user to track Light sources and Devour them)

ability to drain nearby persons of their Light without casting a super

unconscious ability to make nearby persons feel Weakened or Suppressed

inability to retain Light, causing the Void to seep from their body or cloud around them

extreme [sometimes mindless] aggression bordering on bloodthirstiness

for some, a desire to destroy; for others, a simple desperation to satisfy their hunger

extremely cold body temps, which result in cold injuries for humans and brittleness for Exos, and a paradoxical increase of Light in Awoken skin (due to their origins in deep space)

physical manifestation of any fears about the Void, like blackened eyes [or no eyes], black maw, fangs, and claws

muffled hearing - tuning them into the Void at the cost of everything else

Although Famine is fortunately rare, it generally cannot be resolved without killing the affected Void user, since it requires complete severance from the Void itself. The user will also lose their ability to wield Void for a time, though they may feel its pull.

Meditation, therapy and self-discipline exercise are mandatory for Lightbearers associated with the Vanguard.

But what about Lightbearers who exclusively use Void? What protects them from Famine?

Void-only Lightbearers interact with the Void in 1 of 2 ways: they're constantly balancing on The Edge, precisely knowing and testing their limits, or they conserve energy like a predator and find ever-increasing ways to draw out more Light for themselves. Either way, they come to know the Void intimately, resulting a phenomenon known as Ascension.

Ascension is almost like a foil to Famine. Rather than being fueled by ruthless destruction, Void users wield their Light like a knife, cutting away what will feed them the most. Sometimes it's a horde of Thrall, sometimes it's a single Knight. The user remains entirely in control when using their abilities/super and any manifestation is of their own making (claws, fangs, blades, bows).

"Ascension" has been observed in multiple well-known Void users, including Ikora Rey, Saint-14, and Pahanin. @themetalmenace is unofficially confirmed to have reached "Ascension" as well.

- - -

Author's note- I'm aware of the similarities between my headcanons and the ones I linked. "Famine" was specifically inspired by "Void Frenzies," but is based on the 2022 Void 3.0 update, comparing D1 to D2 Void aspects, and tracking the Iron Medallions via their Light in the Gjallarhorn mission.

Everything else is based on my experience as a Void Guardian; maladies like hunger, iron deficiency, the flu, emotional burnout, and depression; vampires; black holes; and this old comment from Discord.⤵️

All that being said, I don't own the concept of Void sickness, and any comments/additions are welcome!

[h-yellowfell]

UPDATE!

Heya folks! im alive!

it's been a while hasn't it? i'm very sorry for the wait, lately i've been struggling with wrist pain and a whole load of burnout (ouch) and only recently have been able to slowly get back into drawing

-So, what is in for the future?

I do plan on continuing the Yellowfell story, just with a diferent format thats a bit easier on my body, the upload schedule is also changing, i have yet to see what works best, but you all can expect at least a weakly post

I tried my best to keep a daily shedule, but that fucked me over not only physically, but mentally as well, i just couldn't get posts out with the quality i wanted them to have, and that bothered me a lot

that also means asks will take a while to answer as well, as i try to catch up with my ever growing inbox to the best of my abillities, im super greatfull to you all for being patient with me as i figure this out!

-When is the next post?

Soon! the comic itself will continue, but consisting of drawings on important moments of the story as a full length comic is simply too much for me right now, and that gives me more time to draw a bit for myself along the way, yay!

Things may move slowly, but is all for the sake of delivering something that im actually proud of!

If you'd like to support the au, you can check out my kofi, where i take comissions, i am currently trying to get better equipment to make drawing less exhausting ('-w-)

That is all for now, see you all (hopefully) soon!

[astriiformes]

from your recent post (figured i’d send an ask so that you skip/delete if you didn’t want to read)…

if you like hugs, i’m sending you, like, a ton of them virtually<33. if not, i’m doing the virtual equivalent of sending you smth else that you like, like a nice beverage or a fistbump. i’m sorry that things are so hard right now. it isn’t your fault, it seems like you’re genuinely trying really hard. it isn’t disingenuous to hype yourself up in your apps — everyone does that in applications, because that’s just how they are since they’re so short and basically the idea of ‘selling’ yourself in them therefore has to be super condensed too. you are trying, even if you aren’t were you’d hoped to be, and that shows that you do want to do to grad school. i hope that you have a lot of success/happiness w/ that!<33

but also, i just… i believe in you, because i get you. not exactly of course, but i know how hopeless and terrible it feels to have mental illness derail your life like that. but it isn’t your fault, and even if no one else sees it, i’m so proud of you for trying so goddamn hard even when your own head makes everything so much more difficult. it’s okay to not have worked through all of the shame you have around your adhd, since society plays such a huge value on achieving and appearing neurotypical and things like that, but also, (in a comforting/not patronising way), don’t beat yourself up — you’re just someone in a difficult situation now, and it sounds like you’re already dealing with so much. you deserve help and rest, and to be loved by those around you. you’re trying so hard, and even if that goes unacknowledged, even if that isn’t enough for society’s bullshit standards, as someone who relates to a lot of this i am genuinely so proud of you for doing your best. i believe in you, and i hope that you can be gentle with yourself, because you deserve that<3

This is such a lengthy and thoughtful response to my post yesterday, so first of all, thank you for taking the time to write all this out.

I think that some of the struggle for me comes from the particular ways my mental illness and physical disabilities get in the way of things -- I've been missing class due to being too exhausted to get up in the mornings, have forgotten about important assignments (or had my time blindness creep up on me with others), and in general have a very scatterbrained and forgetful relationship with academics, which makes it hard to feel like I am trying by best. That's where a lot of the shame comes from, and is one of the things I haven't figured out how to combat yet.

Needless to say, it is nice and does help a little to hear someone express the opposite, so I appreciate this a lot. I get fairly hung up on conventional expectations, and haven't entirely broken out of the mindset that I need to be high-achieving to be worth anything. I don't entirely know how to change that, but reassurances like this are still very welcome.

[madamemachikonew]

heyy i just finished your pantalone masterpiece on ao3(i loved it so so much thank you for writing it) and was wondering if you had any plans to update the fic?

Hellooo. Thank you so much! Glad you've enjoyed it so far.

YES I do have plans to continue and have got a few future chapters done but I just have to figure out a few things plot wise in terms of how to get there. Since I also try to write in the spirit of canon as far as possible, I also want to integrate some of the more recent Pants lore into it. 

Lastly, holiday season is always super busy for me (and extremely exhausting both mentally and physically) and I just need a few weeks to decompress from that and clear my head before doing anything creative. I've also got to get through a huge irl to-do list, so alas not so much time on my hands to indulge in artistic pursuits compared to last year.

But TLDR; it has not been abandoned. In the meantime, do try some of my shorter Pants fics if you haven't already. :)

[khaire-traveler]

Hope you're doing well. I'm nervous sending asks, but ahaaa, I need a little advice on a hellenistic thingie?

Recently, I've felt a little more disconnected from the goddess I'm devoted to, Artemis. I'm unsure what's caused this, I used to be very close and connected, maybe it's because I have recently become a legal adult or have not done enought.

I've been feeling a pull toward other gods/ goddesses, at least stronger than I ever felt for Artemis. Like Hera, Persephone, Dionysus, Aphrodite, and Pan. But I'm just confused. But they feel a lot different than what I looked in from Artemis.

Are there things I can do to reconnect or maybe other gods I can look into connecting with to open up? (If that's the correct wording)

Hey, Shrimp, thanks for the ask!

In my personal experience, when I've felt disconnected from any of my deities, it's usually because I'm having a difficult time emotionally, mentally, or physically. When we're stressed out, it's difficult to feel connected to spirituality. Having newly become a legal adult must also be a pretty stressful thing, so maybe that stress is causing a sort of spiritual blockage for you.

As an adult myself and a worshipper of Artemis, I highly doubt she has pulled back due to your age. Even in historical times, older individuals would still worship Artemis without an issue. Hopefully, this news brings you some relief.

I feel it is also important to mention that within Greek mythos, it is said that Artemis, Apollo, and Leto travel to Hyperborea around this time (although it's usually closer to when winter officially begins, whenever that may be for you). I've heard of many followers of those deities (myself included) feeling more disconnected from them until their return in the spring. You obviously don't have to subscribe to that belief, but I felt it was worth mentioning.

Regarding how to reconnect with her, my best advice is to simply remain in close communication with her. Especially if you are not in the best place emotionally, I don't think it'd be a good idea to solely focus on offerings, as a relationship based on constant giving can become exhausting very quickly. I'd personally just try to pray to her, maybe saying good morning and good night or updating her about your day - things like that. Think of it like keeping in contact with a close friend or family member: how do you stay connected to the people you love?

Another thing you can try is to connect more often with nature (or any of her other domains). This can be difficult for some people, due to living location, but if you have the opportunity, I'd recommend going out to a mature reserve nearby, visiting a park, or even hiking a trail. I know I have a place I personally like to go where I can sit and focus on the nature around me. I prefer to be undisturbed when connecting with nature, but whatever works for you is what I'd recommend you do.

As for connecting with other deities, I'd say just go for whomever calls out to you! There is truly no harm in being curious about other deities and looking into them, even if they aren't "reaching out to you". You're welcome to look into and connect with any deity that you find interesting or appealing. There's nothing more to it than that.

Also, I'd just like to say that sometimes we have up and down periods within spirituality. Sometimes we feel super close to the gods we worship, and other times it's difficult to feel their presence at all. It's perfectly normal to go through these periods of waning and waxing connection. I'm even going through a similar situation right now with one of my gods! It's my personal belief that you likely have nothing to worry about.

I hope this helped you, and that you have a great day/night! Good luck on your journey. 🧡☺️

[midnakoopa]

Vent Post About Anxiety

Past couple weeks have been pretty rough. Thought I'd post about it here. More for me to put my thoughts in order than anything, but if you wanna read it, go ahead. Long post, venting about trauma ahead.

So, near the end of February, I'd noticed I was tired a lot more, and sleeping a lot more. I'd thought maybe it was the weather shifting, maybe it was a bit of the seasonal depression. Who knows at this point?

But then I was getting a bit of a pain in my stomach. Sides? Abdomen? That general area. That with the usual stresses made me think of something I've dealt with before, and know how to treat. I'll skip the details on that; not so relevant. Anyway, I went to treating that how I usually do.

And maybe it would've worked out fine. Who knows? But I guess it hurt just enough for just long enough to kick my anxiety awake. And my anxiety just got worse over the next week or so. And of course, anxiety gets bad enough, it starts making existing symptoms worse due to stress and whatnot. And then the physical symptoms getting worse makes the anxiety worse. It just feeds on itself.

Now, I'm on meds for anxiety disorder. And one thing I've noticed more and more recently, is that they seem to work fine for that, for keeping me from being anxious all the time. But when things get super stressful, they don't do enough to stop an anxiety attack.

So, a little over a week ago, it got bad enough that I scheduled an appointment to talk to my doctor, about maybe adjusting my current meds, but also getting an emergency med for anxiety attacks, which wow I've been on anxiety meds for as long as I can remember how did I never have a rescue medication?

I don't know what it was about this time in particular, but this is the worst my anxiety's been in ages, maybe even the worst I can currently remember. In just the week before I saw my doctor, broke down crying four times. Two of those times were in one night (the night just before the appointment). It's good that I saw the doctor, but turns out an appointment to keep when your anxiety's making your sleep schedule a mess becomes yet another stressor.

Anyway. I saw the doctor. I got my meds adjusted, got an emergency med, and it's only been a couple days but my anxiety hasn't spiked up again yet. Fingers crossed there. Not 100% yet. I dunno if I'm 60% yet. But I'm better than a few days ago, I think.

On a slightly different tangent. Another main reason I'm typing this is to record how I felt while it's fresh in my mind.

The words that keep coming back to mind are "cold shock". It's like a cold shock that starts in the head and attacks a few different places. I say "shock", but it doesn't quite feel electric, so much as like it's sapping... something. It's gonna sound dramatic, but, it really feels like an attack on the mind, on the soul even.

Just this awful feeling that something is taking something from you. Something that you need to survive. And it takes whatever that something is until all that's left is "I just can't".

As for the more describable symptoms... Heartburn, of course. Or acid reflux, I forget the differences. A queasy or discomforting feeling in the stomach. A couple times, I felt like my legs were getting weak and shaking. That also could've been from not eating enough due to the other symptoms.

But it's that cold shock, that attack on the mind, that's the worst of it. That two-pronged attack of this overwhelming feeling of dread, and the sense that nothing you can do will help that feeling, so why do anything?

That feeling that you. Just. Can't.

To sum up, I'm feeling slightly better at the moment, and hopefully the worst of it's over. But, fuck, man. I'm just so exhausted from this, physically and mentally.

[eroticcannibal]

I’ll just get this out of the way: I believe in transandrophobia or whatever people want to call it, I believe in listening to trans mens experiences.

BUT. I cannot stand most of the big people on here who discuss it for reasons similar to the recent post you made about how privileged women still experience violence.

I once saw a thread of trans men all saying that cis white women who fear violence and being kidnapped murdered, shouldn’t fear that, and that any cis white woman who is scared of misogynistic violence has just been brainwashed by mainstream true crime and crime shows, and a couple people said “lol they don’t want you why are you scared”.

I am a white cis girl (I’m also a trans guy but that’s not super relevant rn lol). I fully know my privilege and frequently have discussions along the subject of white privilege with friends of color. I don’t shy away from the topic.

but I have almost been kidnapped twice in the short 18 years I’ve been on this planet. One of my earliest memories is that experience in a shopping mall. Every cis girl I know, white or not, has had real life experience at least once with this kind of thing.

and when I saw that thread, it made me feel ill. To me it feels like so many other trans guys on here decided that the “being a man doesn’t make you bad” doesn’t apply to any other privileged group because they didn’t want to be seen as deniers of other forms of privilege. I also saw an entire thread where a shit ton of trans guys were literally saying that, because white cis women are the physical “vessels of the white race”, then apparently we are not at risk of domestic violence because cis white men need us to keep their dream of a white supremacist world alive. and many people responded with righteous outrage just to be dismissed as “well they are just trying to defend white women”.

the fucking rampant misogyny in these spaces is so fucking hard to deal with, and they complain all day about how people ignore issues men have, then turn around and act like one form of privilege means your other experiences of oppression don’t matter.

so long story short thank you for those posts I’ve been so ducking exhausted lately trying to find a balance between discussing transandrophobia with other transmascs, and protecting my mental health from all the misogyny in those spaces. it’s so fucking tiring.

U get it. U get it. And yeah this sickening attitude towards women is rampant in spaces that support the idea of transandrophobia (and honestly I think this most recent wave of "progressive" misogyny is squarely on trans men who believe in transadrophobia, and insay that as one of them) I wasn't sure if I was gonna call out that group specifically myself but since u bring it up!

Also I think we saw the same post cus that sounds like one of a few that set me off lol

Like im not even shocked at ur experiences there. I have experienced and seen some SHIT while playing the role of a white cis woman. And it was all normal. The women who raised me to always be on guard did that for a reason. The distrust of men among white women isnt from brainwashing, its from knowing half your friends were molested by their male relatives and seeing their mothers get beat every evening.

But also that other example you discuss... now I've not seen it in these spaces specifically but I have seen *some* people dismissing violence against white women due to something something white supremacy and just. Its truly sickening. Its evil. (And shows a fundamental misunderstanding of white supremacy, female subjugation is an intrinsic part of it).

And yeah like you say. Any time someone brings attention to any of this shit its "how dare you defend WHITE women". As if they arent still women.

And especially when the social space i occupy still overlaps with the experiences considered that of white women, when I'm facing these justified fears of violence (again) in my day to day life.... yeah. Its fucking exhausting. When the spaces that claim to support my experiences as a man dismiss my experiences and fears because those are the experiences and fears of icky white women. (When they arent even mutually exclusive categories, and even people like me and the most cis of cis women have more in common than difference)

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 11/21/24 - 11/22/24 - 11/23/24

OH MY GOD I GOT SO BUSY FOR LITERALLY THREE DAYS I HAVEN'T DONE MY JOURNAL IN SO LONG AND I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT!!!

It's actually becoming an important part of my mental health routine to sit down, take a bit to reflect and remember, and then get everything on my mind out there - good or bad - so the fact that I've missed out on doing it three days in a row has been bogging me down a LOT. I've been thinking about it constantly but I swear I just haven't had enough time free to collect my thoughts and get it outta the way. I finally have a bit of peace here at work so I'll write it as fast as I possibly can!!!

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not sure if I have enough recollection of Thursday (the 21st) to write a full entry on it, but I'll do my best! Thursday was a good day for my mental health, I know that at least. I was still riding the high of seeing my friend Sarah the night before, I had fun talking with the Bnuuy, and I got an amazing workout in at the gym! I also started researching some masters degree programs that night as well, which I've been continuing through the past few days. I'll comment more on that later, actually, because there's some general thoughts I have about what I want my next few years to look like! What I'm hoping they'll look like, anyways. Anyways what I really wanna talk about is the workout because not only was it the most recent time I've worked out, but it was the best one I've had so far! I am getting so very close to that 10 minute mile I've been working on for a while, and I continued to travel further because of it. I went 5.86 miles in an hour, meaning if I can just shave 1.4 miles off somewhere during my run (maybe through random intervals in which I run faster, maybe by hastening my overall pace) I will achieve my goal and be able to work on the next step - increasing the difficulty to max and running for more than just an hour each session. I'm super happy with the progress I'm seeing in both my body and mental state because of my physical improvements. This is probably the healthiest I've ever been as an adult and I'm very proud of it - I'm at my lowest weight in several years, stronger than ever in my life, I'm far enough away from the time in which I vaped regularly to be considered a 'former smoker' with lungs as healthy as if I never did in the first place, I no longer smoke weed (maybe 1x every three months) and barely drink alcohol, I'm stretching daily and my hygiene is very high. I even went to the doctor and have an eye appointment next week. Overall, I'm very happy with my health and am excited to continue improving it. Besides that, the night was a pretty simple one from what I remember! It snowed for the first time this year and it felt really magical walking through campus after my workouts Thursday night. I don't really recall anything else significant happening :3

Two days ago, Friday, was a really busy day!!! I took a bit of a mental health day and skipped school. I desperately needed a break. I know that the semester is almost over, that things are coming to a close fast and winter break will be here before I really realize it... but gosh I'm exhausted right now and couldn't wait another two weeks to have a real off day. I didn't even end up taking it as a real off day anyways because I AM A MENACE TO MYSELF AND HAVE ATTENTION ISSUES!! I was planning on just staying in bed, but then I was looking through my bank account and credit card and realized.. wait... I can afford the gaming PC I've been saving up for ... I had a nutritionist appointment at 5pm, so I decided I had to get it done as soon as possible! I got showered, dressed and hit the road heading up to microcenter to buy my PC :3 I made extra sure to lay out exactly what I wanted from them!! I told the guy who offered to help me "I have a budget of between $1,500 - $1,800, I need a monitor and keyboard as part of that, I don't wanna be upsold on anything and I gotta be able to play games but don't care about super high graphics, I need to be able to use art software and 3D modeling software too!" and he was like, grateful that I said that laksjdfaskjdf the only question he asked was "do you wanna build one or do you want a pre-built" and I said pre-built so he immediately found one that was PERFECT for me! I got it, a nice monitor and a keyboard too :3 I also got myself an energy drink at the counter because eheheheheheh I am still a caffine addict even if I don't allow myself to have too much nowadays. After that I took it home and set it up :D the only issue ... I didn't buy an ethernet cable ... and my wifi was way too weak for my computer all the way in my room. I mentioned this to my roommate because the router/modum are both in his bedroom, and after a while of trying to set it up elsewhere we gave up and I decided I'd just buy an ethernet cable.

BUT in the meantime I had my nutritionist appointment!! It was actually a really good time :) she was super helpful and knowledgeable (obviously, she's a literal professional) and we made a really good plan for me!!! It's so simple sounding, but gosh I cannot express how much even this simple plan is going to help me in the grocery store and in the kitchen. She essentially suggested:

Morning: Overnight oats with greek yogurt for protein, chia seeds for fiber, fruit for vitamins/minerals and local honey for flavor + natural exposure to allergens

Snack: Uncrustable to keep metabolism going + fuel myself at work, the protein from peanut butter helps

Before workout: apple or banana for added fuel to help kick start metabolism and workout for longer

Dinner: she's actually yet to send me over the meal plan, but she has a big list of recipes she was going to give me for high protein meals that'll be easy to cook! Really just... having a daily plan is gonna be SO NICE UGH.

She also gave me some recipe cards for overnight oats that sound really tasty :3 one is a peanut butter and jelly inspired one... if you know me well you know that pb n' j is one of my favorite things to ever exist on this planet, I love them SO much, so I'm reallllyyy excited to try that one ehhehe.

After I got back home from the nutritionist me and my roommate drove up to walmart so I could get my ethernet cable! It's actually strange, that's the first time I've spent more than an hour around him in... maybe a year? two? We do NOT hang out very much, so it was a lil awkward at first but we ended up listening to the new Kendrick album while I drove and bonded over that. btw album is FIRE, it's a good year to be a long term Kendrick fan lkajsdfhadsf. I shopped around for a bit after picking up the cable I needed, but the only other thing I purchased was a mirror for my room. This is gonna be silly, but I am actually so excited to take full length mirror selfies and send them to the Bnuuy aklsjdfaksdj they used to ask for them and... I hope that maybe they can get excited for them again someday. to think that only four years ago I was genuinely afraid of my own reflection... how times change, right? I've grown so much.

Once I was home I IMMEDIATELY LEFT AGAIN TO BUY GROCERIES UGH!!!! BUT This journal is already getting long so PART TWO WILL COME LATER!! RAH!!!!

I love you Tumbie, bye!!!1!!!1!!! ~ <3

[megarabane]

vent post abt work incoming sorry in advance i just need to scream into the void for a mo.

can i just. i'm just so sick of the 'in order to have value you have to work yourself to the bone' mindset.

i'm working two jobs rn, one is monday-friday and the other is pretty much sundays exclusively. because neither of these jobs pay me well enough to sustain me on their own.

m-f is a research job in my degree-chosen career field that i love to do, i love the people i work with, and i willingly work 50 hour weeks (5 tens) on a regular basis. they don't make me, but i like the work and the grad student i'm working with is super reasonable when i say "hey i need the day off" and his response is "great have at it! see you later!"

and the sunday is at a restaurant. and don't get me wrong alright i love foodservice. if it weren't for the physical and emotional and mental demand of waiting tables and dealing with customers for just barely enough wages to live on, i'd willingly do that shit. i love waiting tables.

and i've told my scheduling manager 'hey i don't wanna work doubles on sundays (my only day), i'm available for either a morning or an evening but not both.' and she scheduled me three doubles three weeks in a row. and i got the first two covered by coworkers but i worked the third, and i told her 'hey i told you i can't do this, i'm already working 50 hours a week'

and her response was. 'aw. only fifty? i'll let you know when i get down to that much.'

OKAY. FIRST. that's YOUR choice and I GUARANTEE you're compensated with time and a half at LEAST, not to mention your PTO that i KNOW you have bc you talk about it all the time.

my research job does not pay time and a half for OT, and i CHOOSE to do it bc i love the work, but it's physically demanding and exhausting, it's wildlife research, it's hiking miles a day in the mid-drought heat and half the fucking time it's for naught anyway, and the stuff that isn't hikes is driving two hours to and from research sites.

SECOND. THAT SHOULDN'T MATTER. i only have ONE HUMAN LIFE and ONE day off a week is taking a toll on my physical and mental health. i'm wearing knee braces again, which i haven't done since high school eight years ago, and i've not written anything in WEEKS. it's raw LUCK that i've had the energy to play any games at all in the last few weeks. most of the time i come home and collapse bc i'm exhausted and i just wanna rest before i get up and go work again. my one day off a week is spent doing laundry and cleaning and running errands that don't get done during the week.

i fell apart on my therapist when we were in the middle of a different conversation bc i'm so tired, and now i have a sticky note on my monitor that says 'it's not selfish to take days off if it keeps you from death' right next to 'remember: the megacorp doesn't care about you'.

and i call off work tomorrow. because i'm so tired. and i get my scheduling manager. and her response is 'the schedule's been out for like a week. have you tried to get it covered.' and i say 'yes' and she says 'well the schedule's been out for a week." and i just...sit there in silence. because like. you're not going to guilt me out of this. bc i know if you know you can guilt me out of this once you'll never fucking stop and i'll never have a moment of peace again.

does it almost work? yeah. i've got a fucking anxiety disorder. ofc it does.

but i have one human life. only one. i need a break. they will survive without me. fuck, business has been so slow recently, having one less server on the floor will mean my coworkers will get more business and more money. even if management is mad (and my gm won't be he's reasonable ik this) my coworkers might actually thank me for it. (this is me speaking it into existence can you tell.)

anyway i'm just. tired. i'm so tired. i'm so over capitalism. this is the start (well more really a midpoint) of my anti-capitalist arc.

anyway thanks for reading lol. remember: the megacorp doesn't care about you. you are worth days off. your management will forget about the guilt trip they took you on in less than a day. so call off. quit. they survived before you and will survive without you. you're worth more than the blood you pour into a work week.

[grievediary]

6/7/23

23:19

Today has been a day of recovery still; just want to talk about some things I've been thinking about.

It's been a hard week. Some good things have happened recently though. I got a job for the summer (and hopefully a bit beyond, if I can manage my schedule well), and secured a place volunteering in a research lab, to start hopefully sometime in mid-July.

I got extremely sick on Monday, where I woke up with a super sore (started feeling it Sunday?) throat that got progressively worse through the day til I ended up with an excruciating headache, full body muscle aches, and intermittent nausea. I thought it was the flu but now perhaps just a viral bug, because the worst symptoms were that night and I've been getting better every day, though it was really, really awful. Last time I felt anything near that was two years ago where I got so sick I called 999 because I thought I was going to die.. hah. I remember phoning him and trying not to cry, because I just wanted a parents reassurance and felt so alone and like such a child. I felt it again that day.

I ended up sitting in the bathroom shaking, and I stuck three fingers down my throat to make myself throw up finally to try and get the nausea to go away. I vomited twice, the only meal I had that day and it was as disgusting and awful as every other time I've thrown up. Truly I think it's the worst physical experience. I ended up back in bed, feeling so cold but sweating and restless and I was waking near every 30 minutes in a state of near-delirium. Didn't think I'd be able to sleep more than an hour straight through but I think my body was so exhausted it just sort of gave up. Sore throat, headaches, no apetite still for days after, but I had a proper meal again on day three, so there's that. Eating more today too, though it's not enjoyable. Had to call out of work but hoping to make it into my shift tomorrow.

I also start moving out tomorrow. I want to say it's annoying, but ultimately I think it just saddens me. Moving itself isn't really a big deal, I think I just get tired of this impermanence, the repeated transitions and largely the reminder that I do it primarily alone, and I'm alone because he died and I have few friends. It's hard to think about.

I also had therapy yesterday. We went over an international trauma questionnaire, and I'm supposed to get some feedback on during the next session, but I did look it up after and read through the assessment criteria. I think it stands to reason that I may have CPTSD. I've suspected this for some time now, but thinking of it actually being concrete, my current reality, has been very jarring. Also quite upsetting.

I've been thinking a lot about loss again. Loss of family, friends, and thinking about past experiences that won't be repeated. People I most likely won't ever see again. Conversations that won't happen. Love that I can't make known. It's been really hard.

Being unwell meant I've been on bedrest and it's meant my mental health started to slide. I've been feeling distanced from friends, though one has been reaching out to me every day to ask how I am and if I need anything, and that's been really really nice. Still I wish I had more friends, more connections. Could feel like I'm cared for more often, because it feels so extremely rare. That people's care for me is made known, and I really feel it. I wish it wasn't like this. It's like at moments I reverted to being a child again, sick and wanting nothing more than to be nurtured, taken care of completely but the harsh reality and overarching background is that I won't ever experience that again, and I don't think I'll experience anything similar to it either.

I think I'd like to let myself be open to a soft and careful love. I'm deathly afraid that it's never ever going to happen.

I talked about being tired, in therapy, about feeling it both mentally and physically. I have felt psychologically tired for a very long time. Every day takes energy and effort that I think should be impossible for me to gather. This quote, by Anaïs Nin -

Life requires an effort I cannot make.

Yeah.

[one-abuse-survivor]

hey there ! anon with the abusive sister here. hope you're doing okay ! (if i've already sent in an ask pls ignore the last one—my memory is super bad rn and i cant really remember if i did or not-)

thank you so much for your kind words !! september went really well and she didn't show up ! i was a bit stressed, and did spend the first two days feeling incredibly sick from stomach cramps. on the bright side, i invited my friend down and spoke to her and her mum about the trauma and they both said that it sounds like i have ptsd (i trust them both on their opinions because my friend has ptsd from something in her childhood that affected her really badly, so she has first-hand experience about living with ptsd). they both suggested that i go to therapy, which i think my parents are warming up to, but we're all concerned about social services getting involved. we've had negative experiences with social services before, and we dont want them making a fuss of things. we're also worried that i might not be believed or that it will get downplayed as 'sibling rivalry.' although, sometimes my parents backtrack and downplay it themselves and say that it 'wasnt that bad' which really, really hurts. i've given up trying to explain how her abuse affected me and i dont really talk about it with my parents anymore, since my mum always brings up something from her childhood which was worse. sometimes i start to wonder if im making it all up for attention, and that my hatred towards her is distorting things...then i remember my lack of memories, a particular event when i was around 12/13 that terrified me, and a mental breakdown i had in the school locker room, in the middle of the day, because of the gaslighting text messages she sent me.

my sister's been causing trouble recently because it was my birthday in early december (the only birthday i can remember was last year's and the year before—i cut her off three months before that first birthday i can remember) and then it was christmas, so she wanted presents. she also changed her name to her birth father's name (we have separate dads, thank god) which upset my mum quite a lot. it didnt help that my mum's side of the family spent christmas together and never invited us down, which sucked and made us realise that, to them, my parents and i aren't very important to my toxic family members. i got over that pretty quickly, though.

i do have a question: how do i comfort myself when im triggered/feeling sad or overwhelmed from the abuse? my dog and rabbit died within three months of each other, and they were my main sources of comfort whenever things got too much or mental illness was too bad. now that they're gone, though, im finding myself feeling quite disconnected from reality—especially now that my rabbit is gone. everything seems more overwhelming then it did before. im not sleeping well, or im sleeping too much (either way im still exhausted when i get up) and i seem to be getting triggered more and more by physical touch and sounds.

thank you so much in advance !! have a nice day :D

Hi again! ❤️

I'm really glad your sister didn't show up during September after all, and really glad you had people around you who were understanding about your trauma.

I'm sorry your parents haven't been as supportive as they should be, though. It's awful that they try to downplay your abuse and tell you they went through worse. If your mum had experiences she considers "worse" than yours, then she should go to therapy herself so she can talk about them, and not use them to downplay your own experiences. Trauma isn't a competition, and what matters isn't who had it "worse". What matters is what each individual person needs so they can be safe and eventually heal and/or learn to live with their trauma. I'm glad you have proof of your sister's abuse that you can resort to when doubt starts creeping in. But just in case you need to hear it: no, you are not making anything up for attention. Your sister abused you.

Ugh, it sucks that she caused trouble again during Christmas and your birthday. It's great that you got over all of it quickly, but you shouldn't have to put up with her or any toxic family member's crap.

Also, I'm really sorry for your loss :( It's always hard to lose a pet, but I can't imagine how devastating it must be when they were your main source of comfort when triggered.

Here is a list of healthy coping skills you can check out. Since your pets used to help you, maybe you can try soothing yourself through touch, like using stuffed toys, blankets or soft clothes. They might have the same effect as holding your pets close did. Smells can also be very helpful; have you got any blankets that smell like them? Are there any other smells in general that you like and that you can carry around with you?

Something that can also help is to make an easily accessible list of things that soothe you as you find them. You can make it (and update it) when you're feeling fine, and that way, you'll be able to look at it when you get triggered and you won't have to come up with ways to soothe yourself when you're already in that state of emotional distress.

Alongside the list, you can even have an emergency box filled with things that bring you comfort, like soft toys, fidget toys, things that smell nice, or anything else you can think of that might distract you or make you feel better. When I made mine, I filled it with sticker sheets because stickers soothe me, and also with lists of all my comfort shows, movies and videogames.

Other than that, have you considered adopting another pet? It' might not be a possibility, but if it is, I think it could really help, since you already know that being near animals when you're triggered helps you calm down.

Hope some of this helps, and hope you're doing well. Sending a big virtual hug ❤

[skyla-mae]

Ahhhhh Mae Mae it's Cherry here! I need some Shoto love! Like right now!

Cherry my love! It's been so long since I've heard from you! I'm assuming you wanted romantic tooth rotting fluff, so here you go! Also I'm super behind on MHA, so please excuse me if anything I say is inaccurate!

Title: Tea Time

Warnings: Curse words maybe because this is me we're talking about. GN!bodied reader. NOT PROOF READ.

Description: After a long week at school, it's nice to curl up with your boyfriend and a cup of tea.

You sighed as you settled down in an armchair in the common room. School had been exhausting, with test after test thrown at you challenging both your mental and physical limits. On top of trying to keep good grades, you had tried to keep your social life going by studying with Midoriya, although that had turned into the two of you gushing over the newest additions to your hero suit.

And as if keeping up with your studies and friends wasn't hard enough, there was the added stress of a certain short pervert that took a strange liking to you recently.

You looked out the window, watching the rain stream down the glass. You had always loved rain, until the lights went out of course. There was something oddly calming about thunder, even if it did shake the building.

"Hello darling," a smooth voice broke you from your thoughts. Arms snaked around your waist, a chin resting on your shoulder and a cool cheek pressing against yours. A giggle made its way past your lips as you brought a hand up to tousle the red and white haired boy you had the privilege to call your boyfriend.

"Hi Shoto," you said tiredly, inhaling the faint smell of his expensive cologne.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in days."

"Sho, we are in the same class."

"Still." He turned his face and began peppering your cheek and jaw with quick kisses. A tired smile graced your face, to which Shoto responded with a hum. "Tea?"

"Yes please." He stood and made his way to the kitchenette area, grabbing his tea kettle that everyone else knew better than to touch.

"What kind do you want?"

"Do we have any Sencha left?" Despite not being raised anywhere near the upper class in Japan, since dating Shoto and having been introduced to his family's fine taste, your taste buds took a liking to expensive tea and coffee.

"I think so..." Shoto reached into a cabinet, pulling out a container of Sencha leaves. You got up and walked to him, wrapping your arms around his waist. "Are you alright?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, darling." He turned to face you, wrapping you in his arms. You leaned your head against his chest, feeling the warmth radiating from one side and the coolness from the other. That was another great thing about him. He was always the perfect temperature.

The two of you stood there, wrapped in each other's arms. Words weren't either of your style, preferring to use little physical gestures to show each other affection. So to bask in each other like this, no words needing to be spoken, no interruptions from your friends, no timer set on how long you were allowed to just stand there and feel the love radiating from him, it was pure bliss.

Only when the tea needed to be poured into your cups did the two of you pull away, and even then it was to pour the tea and make your way back to the armchair. Shoto sat down first, setting your cups on the table next to it. You sat sideways in his lap, legs swung over the arm rest. He handed you your cup and almost instantly the warmth radiating through your palms calmed you down.

You hummed in content, meeting the mix-matched gaze of your boyfriend. You gave a soft smile, one that he returned, even if only slightly.

"Feeling better?" He asked, studying your face.

"I always do when I'm with you."

[happyselves]

Budapest { Lando Norris x reader one shot }

Breaking up sucks as it is, but to be dumped in an airport where you were going to a grand prix of formula 1 was worse … It was both of your dreams and he renounced it because of insecurities toward you. Admitting a “mistake” he had made with one of your commun friends, sleeping with her. You had to think fast in that airport, either you leave and go live one of your dreams or you step out of his place and go back home and cry for weeks. The answer was quickly found. You leave him and his baggage, not turning your back, deciding to not cry for the asshole you had spent so many time building a life he had destroyed in a snap of his fingers.

However the grand prix didn’t happen how you wanted it to. You had not really thought of him, too busy with the environment around you, sharing for your favorite drivers, freely wearing his merch that you had bought because you didn’t have any reason not to know that you didn’t have someone telling you off. Your now ex used to hate when you were showing your obsession and fascination toward the young driver that was Lando Norris. The dit driver had a great start but all his effort went in vain when the Mercedes driver hit the back of his car and ruined his race, forcing him to retire.

At first you didn’t know how to react, but when you saw him on the big screen in front of you, all the sadness and frustration and all the anger and hatred toward your ex boyfriend was transferred to this. You wanted to leave right away, but you stay, to support your team because Daniel Ricciardo was still in the race. You cheered as much as you could, exhausting yourself mentally and physically but it wasn’t enough and the number 3 car was too damaged to reach the point in the head. It was a shame, but that is the hard law of this sport. After this terrible race you had no heart in celebrating the win for Ocon even if you were extremely happy for him, so you went back to your hotel and went to bed.

The next day was quiet and you spent time in the city, you didn't feel great so you just walked through the city and visited stuff … alone. This time no crowd and loud car could distract you from your own thoughts. Your ex boyfriend was all you could think about now. The memories you had together, the dog, the apartment. By leaving and not facing it you were pushing the moment and you knew it will hurt even more next time you will have to face him.

It was the evening and it was getting cooler, you get your merch hoodie out of your bag and wear it. You find a nice spot on a bench in front of the river crossing the city and you put yourself in a cocoon, your legs closed to your chest and your head on your knees, hugging yourself for comfort as you watch the sunset. The tears came on their own, you were lost in your thoughts and you didn’t notice the man sitting next to you. You were so lost that you were now hearing Lando talking to you in your brain.

“You know it’s a pretty spot to watch the sunset, but not alone,” You puff a quick laugh, even your own mind was making stuff up and you didn’t know why, but you were ready to have a full conversation with yourself. At least your brain was nice enough to create someone that looked like your favorite driver. “ That’s funny, I’m that desperate that I’m talking to myself now, great, next stop the psy,” you weren’t waiting for any response, but you got one anyway. “ Well maybe your brain isn’t making this up ?” Another sound came out of you, were you ready to have a full argument with your own self. “ It wouldn’t be the first time I’m daydreaming about a handsome man talking to me out of nowhere, but I know my luck, why do you think I got dumped just before going on vacation ? I’m nothing … “ You were resigned, the tears kept falling and the pain kept coming. “ Well then he is an idiot, to let a beautiful woman, with great taste may I have, go. This man is obviously blind.” You had a great imagination to be able to hear Lando’s voice so clearly in your head that it felt like he was just next to you.

You turn your head toward what you thought the voice was coming from and there he was, sitting next to you, looking at you with fondness. Damn you really needed help if even your blurry eyes by the wet tears could recreate his whole body and face in front of you.

At any point you thought it might be true even if you were both in the same city, the odds were too big and he would probably be in his hotel room by now enjoying some games with his mates on his computer or watching netflix.

“ That’s not fair that you create this for me, I do not deserve to have such a beautiful daydream like this, seeing him this weekend from afar was one thing but to now trick me and build this masquerade in my mind to ease my pain, that’s really new brain.” You were feeling crazy and you were trying not to sound like one, you were talking to yourself and you were scared that others will think of you as someone with less sanitary than an average human being.

Yet, your fake Lando get closer to you and start touching your arm, you didn’t even flinch when you sense his touch, you know you wouldn’t be able to feel anything because if one thing you learn is that touching isn’t a sense the brain is capable of reproduction to the perfection in your brain when you are dreaming. Then why were you feeling it, why suddenly his touch felt so reassuring and real. You blind repeatedly trying to wake yourself from this sweet dream you were living because this couldn’t be real and it was starting to feel scary.

Lando didn’t move his arm from you even if you tried to gently push him away and put some distance back between you. You weren’t certain this wasn’t reality anymore because as you took his arm, you felt him, your grip on him was real. You lock your eyes on him, focusing on every detail of this creation in your own mind. You knew the shirt he was wearing and the shorts as well, you knew how he looks after running as well so that was a normal thing, but every little detail of him only a person being super close to him could imagine, that you had never experienced and yet here everything was here in front of you. He never felt so him and so real in the flesh. Your fingers found the scruff on his chin and felt the small hair tickling your palm.

That’s where you realise … Lando Norris was in front of you, in the flesh as real as you wear. You come back right back to your senses when you see the sunset and keep drawing beautiful colors in the sky. Lando was amused by the situation, you weren’t.

“ Oh sleeping beauty is coming back from the daydream ?” Somehow he arranges a lock of hair missing on your face, putting it behind your ear. You jerk at the touch now knowing that you were imagining things. You stand up quickly and try to avoid him, walking like a lunatic in front of the bench right to left. “ You know, you are the first fan I've met that acts like this, quite refreshing. “ You stop and track and look at him, really look at him.

“ How do you know I am a fan of yours ?” If this wasn’t the dumbest question you had ever asked, you didn’t know how to be more embarassing of yourself.

“ Well at first I wasn’t really sure, then I saw you on that bench, curl up in a small little ball wearing my hoodie merch, then you basically confirm it when you thought I was a pure product of your imagination,” You were hiding your face now, you bet your cheeks were red. You were mortified to ever have thought you were this desperate that your brain could be creating him, but even more when you knew he had to witness that.

“ I’m sincerely sorry, I ruined your evening run, “ You were apologizing to him, ready to take your bag and run away from this situation, to forget everything that happened. It wasn’t the best timing for you to meet one of your idols, that’s not how you had imagined things to go if one day you would have the courage to try and meet him.

As you tried to take your bag, he stopped you and took your arm. It was like the first, but this time all you could think about was the butterflies appearing in your stomach. Lando was the only person you could dump your boyfriend for … your ex-boyfriend. Before you had time to dive in your thoughts once more he spoke to you.

“ Please don’t go, I should be the one apologizing, I let you think you were insane because I was amused and you’ve made my day to be honest. I felt less alone. “ He was brutally honest suddenly and your heart shattered even more, making your recent break up put on the second plan, focusing on the man in front of you only.

It’s true that you didn’t notice at first, but he was looking tired, not only physically but mentaly. He brings you closer to him, silently asking you to sit where you were in the beginning.

You were both smiling to each other and without any of you being able to control it you end up talking a long time on that bench, not realising it was now dark. Only when Lando’s phone buzzed did you both realise that you had been exchanging your deepest secrets to each other, telling each other's life like you were best friends finding their way back to each other. You even forgot he was a famous racing driver at some point, not caring much because you were now truly seeing the man behind the helmet and you like him even more.

You sense a sort of sadness when he picks up his phone to respond to his manager. Of course they were worrying, he told them he was gone for half an hour, not three hours. You thought he would lie about where he was, being cheeky and keeping his privacy and you were ready to take that small hit behind your head that you bring you both back into your respective life, otherwise he surprised you once more by being honest and telling his manager the truth. He was smiling at you and his eyes were glued on your face with that same fondness you thought your brain had made up earlier. He hanged up and his body turn toward you.

“ So as you can guess I have to go, but I have the feeling that if I don’t ask to come with me, it would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life, so … “ He was scared to continue, evaluating the reaction on your face, but he must have seen something in you that confirmed something in him and made him continue, “ I’m not applying anything, it’s to talk obviously, but would you like to accompany me to my hotel and maybe see each other again ? I’m leaving wednesday night, of course you can refuse I wouldn’t take it bad”

Two choices were now in front of you and you could only choose one. The first one was obviously saying no and going back to England where you are from and facing the hard reality of your ex and the second one was to push your plane ticket to next wednesday and spend time with him. There was actually nothing to think about as you simply said yes to him and followed him to his hotel that night. You didn’t do anything, only talking and even meeting the whole team. You tried your best not to fangirl like a teenager but you couldn’t help yourself showing the admiration you had for everyone of them and they already knew with the hoodie you were wearing anyway. That night was one of the best in your life, you talk all night in his room and end up falling asleep on his chest. It is the first time since you’ve been alone that you finally find peace in your sleep and truly rest and somehow you felt it was the same for him. This is why he asks you to stick around with him, even for the Pirelli test. You were not only living your dream now, but you were living it with him and it was even better. You felt lucky and you were now wondering what would have happened if you had not gone to that place and kept those grand prix tickets. You could care less, Lando made you forget all the pain this ex of yours had afflicted you for the past week. You had fun and everyone was so welcoming and nice to you, explaining everything around the paddock, you even found yourself laughing with Daniel Ricciardo at some point during the day.

The looks you send to each other on the other hand were far from being only friendly, there were something more. Your body was acting on its own and he was so receptive to it. Everyone in the garage could sense something that both of you were ignoring, but they were polite enough not to make a word of it or tease the young driver for it. You were secretly thanking them to not make this moment awkward, you were already still thinking you were in a deep dream or coma, not wanting to wake up just yet.

The day went fast and ended up in a nice dinner in his room, still talking and joking. At some point it was the second night in a row you fell asleep on him, while watching something on tv. It really wasn’t your type to trust a stranger even if this one was famous and you “ knew him “. You didn’t want to live dangerously,but for sure that difficult time ahead of you was making you enjoy the best of life without thinking about the next day.

Lando was stroking you slowly as he was finishing the movie you were watching before you found Morphee, kissing your head before turning everything off and joining you in dreamland as well.

You were sure the people at your own hotel were wondering where you were,and when the next day you finally came back to it, Lando quickly behind you, you could swear you had seen a smirk flashing on the front desk woman’s face. You hadn’t expected the man next to you to find a way and arrange the plane ticket you had to take for going home, to be weirdly the same plane as him and the seat next to him. You both didn’t really want to come back to reality and go to your respecting mundane life just yet.

The last day was as good as the day before other than that bittersweet feeling you had depe down, not wanting to let this go just yet. You didn’t know how you could enjoy this little bit of life he had show you, you were already addicted to this lifestyle, to that travel, hotel and paddock life, this crazy life of him and most important you knew how fucked you were because you realise soon enough that you were already addicted to him quite simply.

Both of you were staying quiet about your soon departure from each other and until the last moment you didn’t aboard the subject, but every good dream had a end and it’s on that parking lot when you saw the whole team leaving one by one to find their car that you realise it was the end of his fairy tale. Lando had held your hand tight the whole time, you were ready to let it go and leave this mind forever when he decided otherwise and asked you where you were going tonight now that you weren’t with your boyfriend. You hadn’t thought of that of course you hadn’t, how can you think about this when this beautiful and genuine nice man in front of you had replaced as quickly as he came in your life all your thoughts. It’s like he knew right away and didn’t let you answer, your luggage was already in the lack of his car with him and you were both driving to his place. Every woman would be afraid, why weren’t you that was the question.

“ I’m not ready to let you go, I don’t want to, “ That what he said to you as he pull his car in front of his house before adding up, “ I don’t even think I will be able to let you go ever in the rest of my life, “ You didn’t know what to say to that, you were only focusing on him, only him and the only thing you could think about right now was the close that damn gap between you two and kiss him. So you did and it was even more beautiful that the fireworks on national day, the butterflies in your stomach were moving so much that you could feel yourself flying except you were still in this car with him, his hands in your hair, messing the already messy bun you had for travelling, savoring every bit of your lips for the first time, like it was the last. When you finally pull away from each other to catch your breath, your forehead finds him.

“ I’m not going anywhere. “

MASTERLIST

[anxiety-thyme]

I'm going like live journal or something today I guess?

Health stuff.

I've been having a real rough time lately. My physical health has not been great. I have gall stones. Which is great because I have none of the risk factors except for being a woman in my early 40's (nearly, I'm only 39), and having a sometimes very stressful job. I'm 100% aware that my anxiety makes it a bit more stressful than it probably is.

I'm predominantly vegetarian, only eating fish sometimes when I go out to eat. I've been vegetarian since 2016, no recent diet changes.

I exercise, maybe not the most but I go out and walk 3-5 times a week.

My cholesterol is healthy. In my early 20's I had high cholesterol (hereditary) and after trying a ton of different things changed my diet to what it is now. It's been in healthy range since ~2017.

I'm a healthy weight again, see above. I haven't always been but the move to WFH was actually good for me in a way that it wasn't for most of my co-workers.

Anyway, this has been going on since May? June? I finally got in to see a doctor about a month ago. Between work trips, buying a house, moving to a new city, and the pcp shortage it took forever to find someone in (ish) my new town.

After an ultra sound and my doc confirmed what it was he told me to 'change my diet' and see if it went away, which just? His diet change was a recommendation to remove eggs. I have eggs maybe once or twice a week. Not often at all. After a week I finally reached out to him to ask how long I'm supposed to wait.

He said if I was still having issues we should schedule another test. I don't remember what it was but my appointment is next week.

Here's the thing. I have not had a decent night sleep in months. I usually wake up in the middle of the night to sit on the floor in the bathroom while my body tries to expel what isn't in there. Nothing comes up.

I'm so exhausted. I know the test is just a week away and hopefully I can convince the doc to just pull the thing out but honestly waiting another feels impossible.

Unsurprisingly, the mental health isn't doing super great? I've cried more in the past few weeks than I think I have in years (not counting crying because of media of course).

I guess this is your regular reminder to fight for the healthcare you need and not just say 'okay' when you are in your doctor's office without asking follow-up questions.

I was under the impression during the visit to go over the results that it takes multiple episodes before you should consider surgery but after speaking to my mother-in-law I found out that she had one episode and her doc yanked that shit out.

And - even if I had all of the risk factors he still should've taken progressive action considering how long I've been in pain and exhibiting symptoms.

/end rant I guess.