#i've grown so distant with people.. especially my mother

[fanficsformyfaves]

Cardigan

Loki Laufeyson x Fem Asgardian!Reader

WARNINGS: ANGST, Mentions of Death and Grief, Abandonment Issues, Insecurities

PREFACE: Loki and Reader have always been frenemies of sorts, constantly teasing and getting on each other's nerves, but that all changed when Loki started growing distant.

A/N: Flashbacks in Italics!

Frigga doesn't die and Loki knew he was adopted since he was a child in this A/U!

My big scary baby :,(

I've been with the Royal Family since I was merely a child. My father was one of King Odin's guards, so I'd spent nearly my whole life within the palace's walls, becoming one of Queen Frigga's handmaidens.

Thor and I got along great...it was his brother that was the issue. All I ever heard about the young prince was that he liked to cause trouble. For his family, the people of Asgard and the staff who worked to end, trying to clean up his messes.

I was more than certain it had to do with his Jotunn side, but, I withheld from making such remarks.

To say our friendship was complicated would be the understatement of the millennium. He was always so audacious, especially towards the staff, which did not exclude me.

A vivid memory I had growing up was one where Loki decided it would be a good idea to shapeshift into snake and 'surprise' me, as I was making a visit to Thor's chambers.

"Thor?", I called out into the room,

Peaking my head in.

"Your mother says it's supper time"

Being met with no response, I figured he was already on his way to the dining hall and just as I was turning to leave and head back to my quarters, I see a serpent hastily slithering towards me.

I let out a blood-curdling scream, jumping back against the door and landing inside of Thor's room.

"Help! Someone!", I yell,

"(Y/N)?", I hear Thor's voice,

I turn back and see him, looking down at me with concern laced in his eyes. A flash of green catches my attention and when I face the front of me once more, I was met with Loki struggling to breathe from laughing so hard.

"You should've seen your face!"

"That is not funny!", I scold,

As Thor helped me onto my feet.

"Oh, lighten up, it was a harmless joke"

"Harmless? My heart nearly gave out!"

He scoffs, before exiting the room.

Let's just say that wasn't the first nor the last of his practical jokes, so at some point, I've just grown accustomed to the mischief. You can only be poked at so many times, before you've grown immune to the constant teasing.

But despite everything and him being the snarky son of a bitch that he was...I still found myself falling for him.

I remember the night that it happened.

I was just nineteen, when my father died protecting Odin. It took place on one of his missions, when an ambush broke out and he was pierced through the heart by someone after the king.

I was sitting in my room, stitching up one of Thor's capes, when my best friend walked.

"(Y/N)", the fellow handmaiden called out into my room,

"Yes?"

That's when I noticed the worry in her eye.

"What is it?", I questioned,

Standing up from the bed.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry", her voice gives out,

"You're scaring me", I warned.

It took her a moment to get the words out, but when she did, I felt my stomach drop to my feet.

"It's your father...he's dead"

Nothing felt real in that moment. I was more than convinced that I was just simply having nightmare.

"What?"

"There was an ambush during one of King Odin's expeditions and he took a sword through the heart", she wept.

I shook my head in disbelief.

"No"

"(Y/N)-", she says,

Taking steps towards me.

"No, you're lying"

She attempts to hold me, as I was repeatedly trying to pull away.

"You're lying!"

"(Y/N), please", she sobbed,

"YOU'RE LYING!"

Finally, she was able to pull my defeated frame into her arms, trying her hardest to soothe me.

"You're lying", I cried against her shoulder,

"Papa"

That was all I could do in that moment. Repeatedly call out to him, knowing there would be no answer.

I was so devasted by his loss. I locked myself away for days, not being able to sleep or eat. Whenever someone would try to check in on me, they were simply met with my voice through the door telling them I was fine.

Thor, being my best friend, organized a private funeral to honor his last selfless act.

So, there I stood before his casket, with tears streaming down my face, as I wished it had been me who took that blade instead.

"He was a noble man, (Y/N)", Thor said,

Placing a careful hand on my shoulder.

"This isn't fair", I whispered,

"I know"

"Of all people, why him? He was good. He's only ever been good", I struggled against my tears.

No longer being able to hold my composure, I walk out of the room and collapse onto the floor, gathering the remainder of my strength to sit up against the wall, before burying my face in my knees.

I'd never felt so crushed. Like, the rug had been ripped away from beneath my feet, sending me crashing onto the cold hard ground face first.

A moment of quiet passes, when I hear the door's handle click open.

"Thor, please leave me alone", I pleaded,

"It's not Thor"

I look up and see Loki, standing before me.

"Sorry to disappoint"

I sigh.

"If you're here to pick on me, now isn't exactly the best time", my coarse voice warned,

As I turned away. Just as I thought he would take the hint and leave me be, he joins me on the floor.

"I'm not going to. Not on a day like this", he reassured,

Placing a hand atop mine.

"He truly was a good man"

I nod, still unable to look him in the face.

"Yeah. He really was", I agreed,

Tearing up once more.

"I am aware of the fact that we do not always see eye to eye, but...I'm here to listen. Whether it's you crying or spilling your heart out, I will be there. Believe it or not, I do care about you"

"You don't have to-"

"I do"

I look back at him, confused.

"You and your father have always been so good to my family, even if it meant putting yourselves in harm's way"

"So this is what this is? A pity talk?"

"What? No-"

"If you're doing this because you feel bad for me, then don't"

He sighs to himself, before continuing to speak.

"I am here because you've turned everyone away and try as you might, it won't work on me. I've known you long enough to know that isolating yourself will only make things worse for you in the end"

I was speechless. I'd never seen him so sincere or honest. It was almost chilling.

"I'm not going anywhere", he promised,

Intertwining our fingers. That was the first time I'd felt something other exasperation for the prince. I felt...safe. Like, for the first time in what felt like my entire life, I was finally being seen.

Too tired to argue, I lay my head against his shoulder, whilst closing my eyes.

Since that day, our relationship had mellowed out and we could actually communicate without biting the other's head off. I actually grew to enjoy his company more and more as the days went on, but with the enjoyment, came the worry.

I was falling for him and I knew it.

What worried me wasn't the act of actually falling, more so the certain rejection I would face, if my true feelings were to ever surface past the bounds of my mind.

Despite that, he and I would eventually become the best of friends. Sneaking out past curfew to drink till the sun came up, whilst he talked about the adventures he and Thor would go on.

"It's true!", he defended,

As I let out a loud cackle.

"Oh, you and your brother are something else", I reply,

After catching my breath.

"Well, what can I say? I'm quite fun"

"I'm sure"

I turn to face him and he was already staring at me, with a soft smile. I shoot him a confused look, taking a sip from my cup.

"What?"

"Nothing", he shakes his head.

I couldn't help but blush at his gaze.

Seemingly, out of the blue, Loki had begun distancing himself from me. He would no longer meet me at midnight or even make his usual sarcastic remarks at me.

"Loki, I had a question about this book I found-", I asked,

Walking up to him, when he cuts me off by slightly brushing past me.

"Ask Thor", he replied dismissively.

This would go on for the next following weeks. Him avoiding me and me endlessly wondering why. Yes, I was confused, but more than anything, I was hurt. After everything, he was back to being cold and unkind.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine"

"Loki-"

"I said I'm fine! Could you please leave? I don't have the patience for your vexing today!", he yells.

I hadn't seen him for days after that. All I could do was carry on with my duties and spend the nights crying till I was to exhausted to stay awake. Was it something I had done? Or said? What could have possibly happened to make him hate me? Too many questions left unanswered, till I could no longer bare the agony.

If this was meant to be the end of the line for us, I was going to get that closure. No matter the hurt that awaited me at the other side of it.

I searched up and down the entire palace looking for him, but to no avail. I eventually run into Thor, but he was more nervous than usual.

"Thor, have you seen your brother?"

"No", he said,

Avoiding my gaze whilst trying to walk past me, when I block his way.

"Thor"

"(Y/N), I must go"

"What? I just need-"

"I must", he interrupts,

Finally making contact with my eyes. That's when the realization sunk in.

"Loki", I mutter under my breath.

He sighs, shapeshifting back into his usual form and brushing past me.

Being much taller than me, I chased him down the halls, struggling to keep up with his long strides.

"Loki!", I yelled after him.

But alas, my call was ignored.

"Loki, I can't keep up with you!"

"Then leave"

"Loki!"

He finally stops in his tracks and hesitantly turns back to face me.

"What?"

"You've been avoiding me for weeks", I shrug,

"And?"

"And I deserve to know why"

He scoffs, rolling his eyes.

"You owe me that-"

"I owe you nothing"

His words cut deeper than he knew. Just as I was about to speak, he turns and walks away.

"I'm not done talking to you!"

"I am"

I could no longer hold back the sadness that turned into rage. I was at my limit and I wanted him to know that.

"You're a coward!"

He pauses for a moment.

"After everything, you're just gonna walk away? That's how you wanna end things?", I yell on the verge of tears.

I knew he could hear it in my voice. The pure disappointment and defeat intertwined with my words.

"Fuck you! Fuck you!", I repeated.

I see him take a deep breath, before continuing to walk.

"At least tell me why! What did I do to make you hate me?"

"I don't-", he says,

About to reach his chambers.

"Then why?!"

"Because I love you!", he finally admits.

In that exact moment, everything went quiet. It was as if the world had stopped spinning on its axis and the rest of humanity disappeared around us.

As I stood there, trying to process what I'd just heard, he began slowly making his way to me.

"That is why I've been so cold. See, despite you being a thorn in my side, I couldn't help myself from falling for you. You are beautiful, brave and smart"

I had no words. Did I hear him correctly or had I finally lost my mind?

"But what I admire most...is your heart", he said,

Gesturing to his own.

"I was a lost cause till you deemed me otherwise. You believed that I was worthy of redemption regardless of everything horrible thing I'd done. Not many did and yet that did not sway you. You found it within yourself to forgive me for all the years I'd mistreated you and I will never be able to repay you for that"

"Loki", I whisper,

"I was and still might be that monster parents tell their children about at night, which leaves me wondering how someone like me end up with a person such as yourself in my corner. I know I do not deserve you, (Y/N), but I can no longer hide my true feelings for you"

It was getting harder and harder to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill. To hear him speak so lowly of himself was utterly painful. He wasn't that monster anymore and I knew that to be true.

"Now...feel free to tell me how repulsed you are and how much you hate me, so that we may resume our regular banter, before I inevitably lose my mind over you again"

"Loki-"

"TELL ME!", he screamed,

Causing me to flinch back in shock.

"I can't do that", I said quietly,

He shakes his head, aggressively wiping a tear away.

"Because I don't hate you. I never have"

I take a few careful steps towards him, as he eyes me down.

"Yes, the things you've said to me in the past have gotten under my skin...but none of that matters anymore"

Gently cupping his face, before finally closing the gap between us. His lips were softer than I could've imagined.

It took a slight beat, but he eventually melted into my touch, as his hands held me by my waist. The kiss wasn't rushed or hasty, in fact, it was delicate and soft, like he was making up for the years he'd missed out on. Eventually, I pulled away, pouring my eyes deeply into his and pressing our foreheads together.

"I love you too", I reassured,

"You didn't give up on me...and I won’t give up on you"

[cosmicjoke]

Hi, Cosmic! I was considering this scene from a Levi story on AO3 which I had read a while ago, where it described his life in the Underground before he met Furlan (maybe it was one of yours, I'm not certain). It talked of how he would often go days without speaking at all, and ultimately delved into his loneliness and how he hadn't realized how alone he'd been until he wasn't. I had also read recently an analysis stating that Levi's attachment style would be fearful-avoidant due to how he grew up, which, I mean, makes perfect sense.

Thus the combination made me wonder: How do you think Levi felt when he and Furlan moved in together? Did it trigger his abandonment issues in any way, letting Furlan in emotionally when his last relationship (that we know of) was with Kenny? Given the concept of attachment styles, Levi was probably both distant and reliant with him, so how do you think Furlan reacted to this?

Hmm, that could have been one of my stories, haha, I've definitely written a few stories (all of which remain incomplete, lol) about Levi's life Underground. I feel like it's a period in Levi's life that's just ripe for exploration, but very few people seem particularly interested in writing about it, for whatever reason.

I know I do explore that idea in "This Life, After", of Levi being sort of functionally mute because he gets so little social interaction, and I think that's a pretty fair assumption to make about him growing up, especially after Kenny left him. As far as we know, Levi didn't have a single friend until he met Furlan, and we know, from the extra stories included in the "No Regrets" manga that Levi met Furlan when he was essentially full grown. I've talked before also, pretty extensively, about how it seems very likely that Levi had no social interaction with other children growing up, even when living with his mother. I don't know if you've read my analysis posts on this, but I'll link you to them here:

Anyway, I'm not a psychologist, so I can't really speak to what specific attachment style Levi may or may not have. In truth, nobody, even an accredited and practicing psychologist could definitively diagnose Levi with any, specific mental disorder or condition, because of course he's a fictional character, lol. But I don't think you need to be a psychologist to make accurate or educated guesses about what sort of mental health issues Levi might be suffering from. For example, I think it's fairly obvious that Levi is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, because it would seem to me nearly impossible for him not to have been deeply traumatized by the experiences, not only in his childhood, but as an adult too, and I say that because of Levi's obvious emotional sensitivity. He feels things very keenly and I think more deeply than any other character in the series. That well of emotional depth, along with his immense empathic nature I think renders Levi more susceptible to emotional pain, and more easily given to grief over the loss of his comrades/friends/family than even an average person. I just think Levi feels things more deeply than is common. I think that's also what gives Levi his exceptional emotional intelligence, his ability to accurately read people and understand who they are at their cores.

To get to your specific question, it's an interesting one.

Levi is definitely someone who I think is fearful of getting close to others out of a fear of losing them, knowing the pain it causes him when he, seemingly inevitably, does. No doubt that finds its roots in Levi's earliest childhood experiences. People often talk about Kenny's abandonment of Levi (with good reason), but I rarely see it talked about how Levi's mother, in a sense, also abandoned him. Not intentionally, the way Kenny did, but the fact remains, Levi's mother died and left him alone, which very nearly led to Levi's own death. I think that absolutely must have had an impact on Levi and caused an expectation in him from very early on of abandonment. Levi couldn't have been more than five years old when his mother died, and those are obviously very important developmental years for a child. You add to that Kenny's abandonment, and it seems pretty likely to me that, yes, Levi has a fear of abandonment by the people he loves.

What's interesting about Levi, though, is that even with this fear, and even in his efforts to keep his distance from people in order to spare himself the emotional and mental distress of losing them, I think Levi's higher level of empathy and compassion renders him incapable of escaping that emotional pain, even when he doesn't know a person well, even when he's intentionally kept away from them. I've spoken numerous times of how Levi shows the same level of care and concern, and makes just as much of an effort to save the lives of people he doesn't know or doesn't know well as the ones he does know well and is close to. He even extends that same level of care and concern toward people who have been actively hostile toward him, such as the merchants in Trost who badger and bully him over the failures of the Survey Corps, to the point of even personally insulting him, or in "No Regrets", we see Levi go out of his way to save the lives of soldiers who have both endangered his own and actively mistreated and been cruel to him. We see Levi do this with Dieter, during the Female Titan arc. Despite Dieter's cruelty toward Levi, calling him a heartless monster, Levi gives him Petra's badge and tells him it was Ivan's. He gives up his own comfort to someone who's been nothing but hostile toward him, and who would have rightly been in for a scolding and even punishment for endangering the lives of the unit. But instead of being unkind in return, Levi shows Dieter nothing but compassion.

All this to say, I think even when Levi isn't emotionally or personally close to people, he still feels the weight of their loss as if he were, and he still empathizes with and understands their emotions and thought process as if he were. There's a part in "No Regrets" in which Furlan laments that they had better hurry up and complete their mission to get the documents from Erwin before Levi and Isabel start genuinely considering "dedicating their hearts" to the Survey Corps. I've talked about how this clearly indicates that Furlan is aware of Levi's tendency to get attached to people, even when he's actively trying not to. Levi, for example, doesn't want to teach his combat techniques to any of the other SC soldiers because he knows if he does and then they end up getting killed, he'll hold himself responsible for it. Again, this is indicative of Levi's tendency to become emotionally attached and involved with people, even those he doesn't know well, to the point he would feel responsible for their lives, and responsible for protecting those lives, even when, again, he doesn't know them well, and even when he hasn't been treated particularly well by them. We have to remember, upon entering the SC, none of the other soldiers showed any particular friendliness toward Levi, outside of Hange. He was even faced with pretty blatant classism from some of them, and plain resentment. But he still knew himself well enough to know that he was already beginning to feel responsible for their lives. Even with being treated as an outsider by them, he still isn't able to keep himself detached from them. We see this play out too, in the story's climax, when Levi makes his choice to go after Erwin alone. He makes the choice with full consideration of what he thinks will be best, not just for Furlan and Isabel, but for Flagon and the rest of their squad. He's equally concerned for their well being, and determines that all of them will have a better chance of survival if Furlan and Isabel stays with them. Again, Flagon has been nothing but hostile toward Levi through the entire story, but he still cares about Flagon's life.

So basically, to get to your specific question, lol, I think Levi likely became very attached to Furlan fairly quickly. There's even a similarity to Levi's relationship with Furlan and what I laid out above, in terms of how Levi even cares about people who have been unkind to him. We know from one of the extra stories that Furlan first met Levi by attempting to entrap him and force him through physical assault to join his gang. So Furlan's first interaction with Levi was one of deception and an attempt to use him against his will. We learn later from a conversation Levi is having with another scout that Levi saved his life from his own gang, when they eventually turned on him. This is consistent with how we see Levi make just as much effort to help and show just as much concern for the lives of people who have previously been unkind to him in some way or even attempted to hurt him in some way. Levi saves Furlan's life, despite Furlan trying to deceive Levi and force him into a situation against his will.

So I imagine, once Levi became actual friends with Furlan, and moved in with him, at that point, I imagine the bond between them was incredibly deep and unbreakable. I think over time Furlan would have begun to recognize that Levi's aloof demeanor and lack of expression wasn't at all indicative of the actual depth of attachment and care he felt toward Furlan himself. I always say that I think Levi's relationship with both Furlan and Isabel was more than simple friendship. I think Levi viewed the both of them as his family, and objectively speaking, I think he was probably closer to the two of them than anyone else in his life. Part of that, I think, would come from the fact they were his first, actual friends, and also because they were the only people Levi ever knew and was close to who were from the same world he was. I think Levi likely was fearful at first when he first moved in with Furlan that he might lose him in some way, that Furlan might leave him, or be killed, etc... But I also think it's a testament to Levi's resilience and open heart that, despite having already been abandoned by the two most important people in his life up to that point, he still allowed this new person into his life and allowed himself to grow deeply close to him. I think, also, that's a product of, again, Levi's inability to close his heart off to people, due to his immense empathy. Even though Levi is afraid of losing people and wants to shield himself against the pain of that, he continually fails at remaining detached, because he just naturally cares too much about other people to ever, truly separate himself from them or freeze them out. He's never been able to not care. I think Furlan probably understood that pretty quickly about Levi, and as I already said, he probably understood that Levi's aloof demeanor and seeming distance didn't actually mean he didn't care. I think Furlan understood that Levi would protect him no matter what and would always stay by his side. Isayama even said Levi is extremely loyal. He isn't ever going to abandon anyone himself. So basically, I think Furlan understood Levi, after a time, and would have recognized that Levi's appearance of apathy in truth was just his way of dealing with the fact he actually feels and cares more deeply than anyone. He only keeps his emotions held inside so he can remain reliable to himself and others, because if he allowed himself to fully feel what he was actually feeling in any, given moment, it would be overwhelming. People that know Levi truly know this about him. And so Furlan definitely would have realized that.

Anyway, I hope that answers your question, lol. That got WAY too long. I can never seem to keep my answers short.

[lesslie-sass]

Finale response (tw for panic attack description and mention of cyberstalking)

This took pretty long for me to start writing, this response, mostly cause I was just recovering mentaly, distant myself from this situation for a bit to collect my thoughts and not be so broken while writing it.

This one accident happened in the middle of the night of 3 to 4 november.

Tete-a-tete, I had a panic attack last night. I honestly didn't feel very well all day, nausea, weakness, headache and irritation.

I was so hyperventilated that my stomach started to hurt, tears were rolling down my cheeks, such a warm but bitter feeling, my mind was teeming with thoughts of how lonely I was, that no one cared about me, that I was really so terrible that everyone hated me. With a heavy, trembling hand, I reached for my Cheshire plushie, because there was no one around to comfort me, and at the same time I wanted my mother to hear my ragged breathing and try to comfort me, to show me, that she still cares. Thought her behavior, for several years already, show that she doesn't anymore.

After it was all over, I just lay there clutching a bun in my hands, marveling at my stupid brain. And when I sat down, I saw my cats near my bed on the floor, it made me smile again and cry again, a really bittersweet sensation, a mixture and pains from loneliness.

Yeah, this whole situation affected me even physically and I do still feel aftermaths of it. I fell into terrible manic state, just being angry, annoyed yet energetic, then it was over and grown numb over time. I didn't felt like posting or even draw anything because it feels pointless without passion for it and I don't feel comfortable to post anything here. Even this post I finished only because of recent stupid message I got, though while showing this prick may as well explain why I went on hiatus.

I could go on yet another rant about bigtittiecomitte terrible post but I won't, I'm done and will be pretty brief about it. That post at best nitpicky and at worst just flat out lies (like me ONLY bashing on Uzi and n*zi ship on tumblr, completely ignoring bunch of other content I did and only focusing on small bit of rants you didn't like, lying that I tagged n*zi on multiple posts when theres literally only one and it wasn't about hating n*zi at all) and that's post was in some way a catalist for panic attack I had. Hope it was worth it, you sure did educate me of how terrible this fandom can be and that I really should put myself first. (You know who you are, user with stupid nickname, I know you will read it through your friends accounts, like some creep and get butthurt again and try to further ruin my reputation again)

Speaking of creeps, also the other reason I don't feel comfortable on tumblr:

Yep, they straight said to have their buddy stalking me. Which is gross but from I what I've seen this person is pretty creepy lunatic by themselves, so not much expected. (And I know you will see this post too and I hope you would like to be called what you are, creep)

And in the end, I honestly not sure what to do anymore, this all situation just took any passion for art from me and made me constantly worry that if I do something here I just get harrassed again, that my already shattered psyche get even worse. I'm practicly having depressive episode at this point, I literally don't feel much joy from things I love and just exist in constant numbness, just wishing that after sleep I somehow would feel slightly less numb.

I posted my unpopular takes, so people who also have same opinion, would feel less lonely among the mass who screams that it's "wrong" and "problematic", it's just unpopular. Not for anyone who has different opinion to get uncomfortable or butthurt over it, especially with how I did try to put warnings for it, but people just ignore it and read it to get angry and harrass me.

I don't wanna sympathy, I know I'm not the best person but I do try to be better, I have low empathy and may say something blunt that might come rude, I'm hateful and strong about my opinion on things in media. I just want for this situation to just stop, I won't post my takes anymore if people just stop treating me like a monster, when I'm just mean-spirited but didn't outright harrass or attack anyone.

[thesanguineparadise]

My Father Needed To Die

the sanguine paradise blog post 1

...

When I was twelve years old and my dad was doing my math homework for me, there was a prevalent voice in my head: my father, the brilliant man who got his doctorate in political science and is highly esteemed, will die before I turn 19.

Turns out I didn't need to wait that long, he died probably less than a year after that thought. Yes, it turned my life around. No, I obviously wasn't surprised. I've been trying to come to terms with my grief ever since. I cry sometimes, I miss him, I wish I could have conversations with him.

But, at twenty years old, almost eight years after his death, I feel relief. For him, death was the only good option.

...

Like I said, my father was brilliant, and always had been. Before I was born, he got his phd from the University of Florida and lived in Zimbabwe for three years doing research on the political implications of animal poaching, or something. Apparently, this work was so impressive that he soon after secured a teaching position at Florida International University as a professor of political science, where he speedily was granted tenure. Somewhere in between, he met my mom, who was a (I know how this sounds) student in one of his classes.

This is not the father I knew. All of his accolades are like fairytales to me, neatly bound in pretty books that you put back on shelves. They're nice to read about, but so distant from what's actually reality that you're fine with letting the stories collect dust.

The father I knew, and saw every weekend due to divorce agreements, was a recluse. There were cockroaches and rats in the house. He let me eat and do whatever I wanted, but only because he was too out of it to not be neglectful of me. He was a raging alcoholic, and even though he was never outwardly wasted around me, it deteriorated him to the point he went into a deep, dark depression that ultimately defined him until the very end.

There were soft moments in between where we mutually remembered we were supposed to do father-daughter things together. I could ask him any question and it would turn into a three hour conversation. We collected rare coins together, and watched history documentaries at night (I was on my iPad because I didn't care, but it's the thought on both our ends that counts).

He died on Memorial Day 2017. A heart attack that immediately ended his life.

...

I think it's for the best that he died. Another absolute truth about my father is that he was a narcissist who never admitted he had a problem. He was abusive (not to me, but to my mother before they divorced). By the last decade of his life, he had no friends and none of his students knew anything about him.

Through all of this, the only thing he had was me. But not even that would help him. He loved me, maybe, but he hated himself more.

I have empathy for him. I know what depression feels like, especially depression marred by addiction. Even though I only got a glimpse of what it feels like, the currents of hopelessness feel never-ending. The only reason I got out of it is because my mother wouldn't let me go under like he did, and I didn't hate myself so much that I wouldn't listen to her.

But, for him? I imagine death was the sweetest option for him. He would've spent the rest of his life the absolute same, and I would've grown up to see the real him. If he were still alive, seeing how he leads his life would hurt me more. I would take a million Memorial Day 2017s than an alternate universe where he is still alive to continue emotionally hurting me, my mother, and his mother.

And, in a universe where he's still alive right now, what if I found him in a drunk daze and tried to help him? What if, now that I'm 20 and not a child, he would've swung at me like he did my mother?

I don't know if death is the best option for other people, but for my father, I believe it was.

...

I know all those things are probably bad to say. I never thought about the fact that I'm glad he's dead until about two weeks ago, and I haven't been able to think about much else since.

[minutiaeoflife]

A Journey of Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step

Before I begin, let me tell you something little about me. Being the only child, I never had the opportunity to grow up with siblings, therefore I find it difficult to engage with children sometimes. But when I do engage with them, I often find that being around them makes me naturally softer. Although I'm not very accustomed to being around kids, especially infants, and sometimes find their behavior a bit overwhelming, I also find them endearing because of their innocence. In fact, I often see a bit of my younger self in them, and it makes me want to have a sibling as well.

Now, back to the main topic: from their house, he was keeping an eye on us even though we were still quite far away. When I got a closer look at the kid, I was filled with awe. He's too cute too handle. He's small and a happy kid.

Infants are naturally curious about everything, and I can attest to this from both the questions I've asked and from the things that I have observed. Based on my observations of Liam, upon our arrival, he appeared distant and fixed his gaze on us for approximately five (5) minutes. For a while, he didn't even acknowledge his "tata", Jairine, who is my groupmate. Eventually, Liam was able to recognized his "tata" and went near to her asking for a hug.

We were able to ask Liam's mother a couple of questions regarding Liam's physical, cognitive, and socioemotional milestones.

First, let's talk about Liam's physical development milestones. Liam's quite an active kid. He's bubbly, he likes to play around, likes to touch things that he find appealing. So we started asking his mother about his motor skills, in which we received a good response. Liam can now reach and grasps objects, such as glass, spoon, "tabo", and other objects that he find interesting. His mother shared to us that there was an instance where Liam was able to grab a knife; that concerned me for a bit because of the danger the kid might've experienced. Liam can now sit up, and even walk. He was sitting up on his own when he was just 8 months old, and started crawling when he was just 6 months old, which surprised me because I didn’t expect infants to reach those milestones so early. He started walking at the age of 1 year and 2 months old, without support from anyone. When it comes to reflexes and movements, he's not yet attentive or responsive on things yet, it's because when some objects fall, he won't take it unless he was told to do so. Liam's growth development has been impressive. The last time they've checked, Liam's height was about 60 cm, which is a good start for an infant. He has grown from 3.8 kg (newborn) to 10 kg (present). Liam started having his teeth when he was 8 months old; currently he has a total of 16 teeth—8 on the upper, and another 8 for the bottom. For the time being, Liam cannot yet transfer things or object from one place to another.

In Liam's cognitive aspect, he is still in the process of learning new things. From what I have observed, Liam is a curious kid, just like any other infants out there. Just as I've mentioned before, when he sees fascinating and appealing things, he tends to touch and grasp them; he doesn't need any specific colors or shapes to hold them; when he sees one, he grabs it immediately. He also tends to copy other people's action, for example when they clap or wave. So whenever his happy, he claps or whenever you wave at him, he waves back. I even gave him a high five which he returned afterwards. One thing that I noticed as well is that, when I gave him a high five and then laughed afterwards, he mimicked my action in which I covered my face when I laugh. When it comes to Liam's memory and recognition, he still has difficulty recognizing people. It seems like he can't recognize those people who he haven't seen for a long time, however, when you spend time with him for a little while, he would probably start to sense familiarity. For example, just like what happened when Jairine came back to their house, and he can't recognize her, he was being shy and was behave for a minute then Jairine gave him time to adjust then eventually he went near her and could recognize her again. He can also recognize his name, when someone calls him by his nickname which is "motmot", he would reply "oh!". He's actually quite responsive, he would go near you when you call his name.

With Liam's socio-emotional development, he acts typically like how an infant would act. When his father will be out of his sight, he would bawl his eyes out. Although his mother is the one who's taking care of him, he seems to be more attached to his father and prefers to be wherever his father is. He can now express his anger too, especially when being teased by his sister or anyone which may result for baby Liam to react hysterically, say gibberish words, and would shout his lungs out. He also throws objects within his reach. Whenever his angry, he would seek his mother's presence for comfort, and would call her "Mama" and make her carry him.

There's a few achievements of Liam that his mother shared to us:

- He knows how to hold a glass and drink on his own.

- He knows how to remove his slippers.

- He knows how to brush his teeth

- And he can manage to put soap on his body while taking a bath.

His mother also shared that she is happy as baby Liam grow into a healthy boy. She is grateful of the incredible development he has made and appreciates each achievement and milestone in his development. It has brought her great pleasure and delight to see him grow and flourish.

The title of this blog which is "A Journey of Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step" is a reflection of life, our development as a human being. Infancy, being the earliest stage of life, in which this is where everything started. The meaning behind "A Journey of Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step" is that every journey begins with a single step toward one's purpose or goal. No matter how huge the work is, the first step toward completing it is crucial. It's like a reminder to us that we won't be able to make it if we won't take the first step, which can be comparable to infancy, because infancy is in fact where everyone of us started. Some people may find this analogy unimportant, but I find it to be very meaningful. Interviewing people who were raising infants gave me the insight that the growth and development we witness in the early years can serve as a metaphor for the larger struggles we encounter in life. We must take our first steps in order to make progress in our own goals, just as infants must do in order to begin walking. I have been able to recognize the similarities between early development and personal growth because of this knowledge. Every milestone, no matter how minor, is an evidence of the significance of taking that first step.

Love,

Irish & Jairine <3

[crittercrossing]

Rest in Peace, Violet

approx. March 6th, 2016 — July 20th, 2024

I don't think there are enough words for me to describe how much I love Violet. There is not enough time in the world for me to describe the relationship we had or how much our time together means to me. I know most people will never understand it. I've barely posted about Violet on this blog. She was present in my life mostly in the time that this blog was on hiatus, and I regret now that so little of our time together was documented here. I took thousands of photos of her in our time together, because she was by far the most photogenic cat I've ever met. I have countless stories to tell about the days I spent with her, the long process of winning her trust, and the moments that we spent together, bonding in silence and something else I can't quite put a name to.

The first time I ever saw Violet, it was New Year's Day in 2018. I took the above picture of her from afar, through a window, because this was a brand-new cat in the yard that I'd never seen before, and I thought that was neat. As best as I can tell, she was grown at this point. My best guess is that she was born in March of 2016. I assigned her the birthday that I did because earlier in 2016, there was another black-and-white cat that I saw outside a few times—I'm positive it wasn't Violet, as the markings were different, but this cat looked very much like Violet. This was also very pregnant early in the year. I have no way of knowing, but I like to think that maybe this cat was Violet's mother, and when I saw her, Violet was about to be born.

After that day, I didn't see Violet again for over a year. The next time she came around was March of 2019. I didn't name her right away. It took several more months before she came around the house regularly. She was a total mystery, and completely feral. I took photos of her through windows and from doorways, because she would bolt if there wasn't some kind of barrier between us. If I dared to be outside with her, she would run if there was anything less than probably 200 feet between us. Nevertheless, my mom and I began to put out food for her. She was the only feral cat coming around at the time, and I wanted to keep her coming around so that I could try to trap her and get her spayed. By the time summer arrived, Violet was showing up pretty regularly, but she evaded the trap like an expert. I found her very interesting, and I couldn't quite name why. Perhaps I recognized then how smart she was.

I don't remember exactly when I named her, but I do remember that I first considered calling her Swift, after a kind of bird, but also for how fast she ran. I decided against this after realizing that people might assume she was named after Taylor Swift (something I learned after naming one of my dogs Katy, after someone in a Mayday Parade song, but everyone assumes she was named after Katy Perry). Then, the perfect name came to mind. I'm a nearly-lifelong fan of the Warriors book series (which is about cats), and one of the characters is a black-and-white cat named Violetshine. Violetshine is a character who can seem very distant, but she is also observant, brave, and strong-willed. I thought this suited Violet perfectly, and so she was named after this character.

Finally, in October of 2019, I managed to trap Violet and have her spayed. The look on her face when I found her in the trap is still one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Like, I kind of feel bad because I know she was stressed, but:

That is the expression of feeling an ultimate betrayal.

Violet was successfully spayed, and when I brought her home, I was afraid that she might run off and never come back. She did run off at first, but she came back the next day. Then, she never left.

After her spay, Violet became much less afraid of us. She still wasn't tame by any definition, but she no longer bolted when we got within sight of her. She became more curious about people, especially me, and would often watch me from a safe distance of several feet. She began to follow me around when I walked around the yard.

I got to know Violet better by spending a lot of time with her. As early 2020 came around and I spent most of the year in quarantine at home, my pets were even closer companions than ever before. Being at home all the time made the house feel suffocating many days, and so I would go outside. Every time, Violet was there waiting for me. We sat on the porch together in the evenings and walked laps around the yard together at night. I learned more about this small wildcat's giant personality, and a few things about her physical quirks. She had a permanent head tilt, and some days, it was barely noticeable. Other days, her head was tilted almost completely sideways. It didn't seem to bother her or keep her from doing the things she loved. She rolled in the dirt under warm beams of sunlight. She saw tiny things moving in the grass across the yard, and took off running after them. She sat beside me and gazed around, seemingly content in the present moment no matter what. The silent companionship she gave me was therapeutic, and I looked forward to my daily time spent with her.

Our relationship was always on her terms, from the day we met to the moment she departed. This is a quality I really admire about feral cats. In all honesty, I love interacting with feral cats just as much as I do tame cats. There are many wonderful qualities about relationships with tame cats, but in a way, the love received from them feels slightly less... earned, I think, for lack of a better word. Tame cats are generally socialized as young kittens and so they pretty much always trust people. Feral cats have no reason to inherently trust humans. Violet grew up in the wild, almost certainly away from people. She somehow found our home and chose that place to live. She chose to tolerate my company at first, and then she chose to seek me out and chose to spend time with me. She had nothing to lose by ignoring me completely, but she didn't. When feral cats do this, it's because they want to. They decide that they feel okay with you. They realize that they trust you. That is something incredibly special to me. It is particularly special that Violet—who I would later find out had had at least one terrible experience with people—chose to spend time with me and perhaps even loved me.

I've always said that Violet was born to be a model. She was scarred, ragged, and perpetually had a really pissed-off expression, but she was gorgeous. Her scarred-up nose told the story of a cat who's fought to survive. Her missing ear tip told of a love that wanted a better future for her. Narrowed, often-angry-looking eyes told of an animal that was alert, aware, and calculating her next move. Violet never really feared my camera. I swear this cat was posing intentionally. I have hundreds of gorgeous photos of her. In total, including blurry and silly photos, I have thousands.

I didn't know how old Violet was. At the time of her spay, the vet had told me that they believed her to be an extremely young adult, due to the fact that she had never been pregnant before—which makes sense, as the majority of outdoor cats end up pregnant within their first couple of heat cycles. And so I believe Violet to be young and relatively healthy. We shared our daily lives from the end of 2019 through 2022 before I believed any differently. Even though she lived outdoors and I knew anything could happen to her at any moment, I desperately hoped that we would get many, many years together. She was tough. I watched her fight any cat who looked at her wrong. I knew that she could take care of herself.

She had one brief sickly time period in 2021, where she didn't groom well for a few days and she dropped weight quickly. At that time, I wasn't able to trap her and get her to the vet, but luckily, she got better within a few days. I worried about her every day. I wished that she would become tame enough to move indoors, thinking that I could prolong her lifespan by doing so. But Violet was relentlessly wild. I didn't think she would ever be tame enough for that. While she ran up to me every day and loved spending time with me, she immediately fled if I ever made any sort of move towards petting her.

Over the course of 2021, Violet began to show the slightest signs of becoming more tame, though nothing was concrete. I got her a cat tree for the front porch, and she began to sleep on it every night. She began to jump onto the windowsill outside my bedroom and meow loudly for me to open the window so she could poke her head inside.

One day, she chose to come all the way in. She wouldn't walk inside the front door for anything (valid, as there were three dogs and another cat inside), but she would come in through the bedroom window. I would always remain quiet and still inside and just let her explore at her own pace.

I was endlessly patient. I sat next to Violet as she ate, showing her it was okay for her to be near me and not have to keep an eye on me. One day, I carefully touched her back. She turned around and hissed at me. I tried again later, and got the same result several times. But, eventually, Violet began to not react at all when I stroked her back as she ate. It was progress.

We shared many wonderful days together. Violet joined me outdoors for my birthday party one year, where she tried very hard to steal some pizza for herself and for Shadow, her somewhat friend. Shadow, a tomcat who was much bigger than her, liked to hang out with Violet, but he was terrified of her. She beat him up several times, and then he would flinch if she even looked at him. I don't know that she actually liked Shadow all that much.

Violet was there for me during some really hard times, and some really fun times. We shared a snow day together, running and leaving trails of footprints and pawprints behind us, and she seemed quite pleased with the snow. I don't know if Violet had any way of understanding how much times like that meant to me. She was my solace in times when I felt like everything was crumbling around me.

Violet remained my steady, daily companion up until the spring of 2022, when I moved out of my parents' house. There are a lot of personal, complicating factors that went into this, but when I moved out, I was only able to take my two indoor cats with me. The animals who are at my parents' house don't seem to care—I still see them extremely regularly, and they are adored and well-cared for. I can't even really say that I wish things had been different. I moved out for a wonderful reason and it has resulted in only good things for me, and Violet got to stay at the home she chose and became comfortable with. I just missed seeing her every day. I missed seeing her waiting for me in the driveway when I returned home every day, oftentimes sitting next to her best friend—a very old cat statue that had been on the porch for many years.

In my time away, my mom worked hard to tame Violet. She's less afraid of cat bites than I am, so she was persistent in petting Violet when Violet ate, and holding the front door open, encouraging her to come indoors. She found moderate success. A few times, I went over to visit, and instead of finding Violet waiting for me on the porch, she would be in the living room with the dogs. Violet never feared the dogs for a moment. I think that their excitement annoyed her in previous times when she wouldn't come in. She never had to claw any of them, as they all seemed to understand that this was a wild animal who was not going to tolerate a single ounce of their nonsense. Still, much more often than not, I found her outdoors, doing the things she loved.

In August of 2022, everything changed all at once. I hadn't been over to visit in a little bit, and I was informed that Violet had suddenly begun to look extremely sickly. I went over, trapped her in a dog crate, and took her to the vet. That was the day I learned that my beloved wildcat had cancer. Her bloodwork wasn't great, and she appeared to have some sort of infection in addition to a tumor. The tumor was growing on her left kidney. The prognosis wasn't very good. The vet said that theoretically, it could be operated on, but the operation would be extremely dangerous, to the extent that he wasn't confident that she would live through it. If she did, she would need to be on weeks of crate rest to recover, indoors, something that I thought would add additional stress to Violet, who wasn't at all used to spending extended amounts of time indoors. We would also need to travel over an hour away for the surgery. Violet received antibiotics that day to tackle the other infection (which worked), and I was told that I could take the risk with the surgery and put her through the stress of an indoor recovery, or take her home and let her live her life until the tumor got big enough to impact her bodily functions (it was not doing that at the time). I thought about it for a long time and decided to take her home as she was. Additionally, during that visit, an x-ray revealed that at some point, Violet had been shot. The bullet was lodged near her spine, in a spot too risky to try to get it out, but it didn't appear to be causing any problems except for the possibility that it was causing her head tilt. I also learned that she was middle-aged. The vet could tell by her teeth, her coat, and her overall build—it had just been really unusual that she made it to be several years old in the wild without ever being pregnant. I was devastated over the news that day. I was furious that someone had done something so cruel to her when she was such an awesome cat, and I was heartbroken that our time was limited. That day, the vet said she would maybe live for a few more weeks to a few more months.

Over the course of 2023, for whatever reason, Violet rapidly became much tamer. I don't know it was related to the cancer or not. I began to get regular updates from my mom that Violet was coming indoors to spend the night, that Violet understood a litter box perfectly, that Violet began to jump up and sleep curled up on top of my mom all night. Violet began to sleep next to the dogs and hang out with them on the couch. Though I didn't see her every day anymore, I was so glad to hear that maybe there was a chance that she could be an indoor-only cat, as that would be much safer. Being ill, I didn't know if she would still be as able to fight off predators in the wild.

Violet made several cat friends in her time with us. She never met Smokey, as he was indoor-only and was gone by the time she started coming indoors, but there were several other semi-feral and feral cats who all seemed to really want to spend time with Violet, even though she didn't particularly seem to like any of them. She hung out a lot with Shadow during his short time here, but she also hung out with Artemis, The Void, Tree, and Leonard.

Violet looked and acted like normal until a little ways into 2023, when she began to have trouble keeping on weight. She ate as much as she wanted (which was a lot), but her waist stayed small. She had all of her usual energy, though. After a couple more months, she began to lose function in her left hind leg. My best guess is that as the tumor grew, it began to press on something internally to cause that. The leg didn't seem to hurt her at all, and she walked normally, but when she sat, she often didn't bend the leg underneath her and instead would stick it out straight by her side. I believe it was most likely numb. Her claws always stayed out on that paw and her toes never bent. If she knew that she was sick, she didn't care. She remained every bit as ferocious, because, here's the thing—though she reached the point where she spent almost all of her time indoors, she was still a wildcat. Everyone knew not to mess with her. She tolerated petting in a somewhat normal amount—even on her head—but the moment she had enough, she would bite and/or swat. She hissed at the dogs when she had enough of them crowding around her. She still looked like she would fight anyone at at any moment, and she had the wild light in her eyes.

Violet spent the last few months of her life safely indoors, surrounded by love and all the tuna juice in the world (a favorite of hers). I tried to go see her as often as I could. I tried to act normal so that maybe she wouldn't know what I was so afraid of. I couldn't help but feel like the inevitable was coming, even though she had already dramatically outlived the vet's prediction of a few weeks to a few months left. She still posed for photos. She let me pet her, and I spent a lot of time doing so, not really believing how far she'd come since we met.

I hate admitting this so soon, but I kind of had a gut feeling maybe a month or so ago that it wouldn't be much longer. She was very skinny and more irritable than she had been for months, tolerating less physical contact from people. She had gotten to the point where my dad could easily pick her up and hold her close to him, and she would reach out with her little foreleg and hold onto him. When I saw her one day earlier this summer, she was much more hissy than usual and didn't seem as pleased when my dad picked her up. I never once held Violet normally in her life, while she was fully with it and consenting. I halfway picked her up once and never got her to my chest, because she was very angry. I couldn't bear the thought of not having her, so I focused on sitting with her and taking pictures of her, because she was still gorgeous.

The next few paragraphs discuss the day she left us; scroll until the next photo of Violet (after the one directly below this) to skip that part, if you wish.

A few weeks ago, I got a call that Violet was dying. I rushed over and found her in horrible shape and got her straight to the emergency vet. Even though she appeared to be paralyzed (or perhaps just didn't have the strength to move), she still reminded me how wild she was. When I started to cry on her, she meowed at me loudly, almost a growl, as if to remind me that I needed to keep it together—she was always like that. Violet always held it together during her troubles, and that was what she needed from me then. I picked her up, held her to my chest for the first time, and we drove back into town. Thankfully, my partner drove us so I could hold Violet and talk to her. I told her how deeply I loved her and how much she meant to me. I hope she understood. I know I'm anthropomorphizing a lot. I know animals potentially don't feel or understand half the things I like to think they do. But I'm just saying, if there ever was an animal to have all the smarts and personality and opinions that I thought they did, it was Violet.

To be honest, I don't know that she was fully conscious for all of the ride. She was already well on her way out. The emergency vet took good care of her and got her ready for the goodbye. Signing the paperwork felt like my heart was being ripped out. I kept thinking that it wasn't fair. I still don't think it was fair. Such a tiny cat with such an impossibly strong will to survive and to thrive despite all the struggles and the abuse that she faced, and she didn't get the decade plus that she should have. At my best educated guess, she was eight years old when she passed.

We were with her when she went. I petted her little head and told her I loved her. It was very fast, and I'm glad that she wasn't panicked. It was over really quickly. We took her home. I felt that she deserved to be laid to rest in the place that she chose as her home six years before.

Violet took a huge chunk of my heart when she left. This is something that's not easy to admit, and it's something that I honestly didn't realize until pretty recently, but I love her as much as I loved Smokey. I didn't think that would ever be possible. They were two polar opposite cats, and we had two extremely different relationships, but I love, love, love Violet. My world is not right without her—not yet, anyway. Time heals all wounds, but it is still too soon and her loss still doesn't sit right with me. She deserved better.

I don't know exactly how to end this—there really are not enough words I can think of to write about how special Violet was. I'm still sorting through a lot of grief and feelings. What I know right now is that my life is tremendously better for having had Violet be a part of it. I can now say that I had the honor of being friends with the fiercest, bravest, most beautiful wildcat there ever was.

[ejaydoeshisbest]

This cruel thing inside me has taken much of my independence.

This cruel thing inside me has taken much of my independence. To think I considered that as one of my best qualities. It feels like a lifetime ago when I was managing my own bills and bank accounts. Preparing my own food; breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Paying my own rent. Seeing the confirmed paid receipts of my electric, water, and internet bills. Delighting in the simple joy of sniffing the pages of the books I've bought with my own money. Especially when I was just beginning to live by myself and working in an entry-level position. The pay was pitiful, but I didn’t mind. Because I was doing the right thing. I was on the right track.

It felt good to be responsible for myself and to be thought of as someone who did not require much supervision, much hand-holding, and much guidance. Never have I felt more fulfilled when my plans fell into place without bothering anyone. But if I did, it was only to ask for advice and criticism. I felt secure in my abilities, in my own skin, whenever I traveled to distant lands and came back with stories and experiences that made a mark on me. It felt good to be relied on, to be the one people send out whenever they have favors or requests because they know that I would get the job done. I was not afraid of the world. I LOVED it. Whenever I did fail in one of my projects, I had the decency to not run home to my mother, tail between my legs. I faced it like a grown-ass adult and checked where I’d made mistakes. I did not mind these failures in my quests. Not really. Because I knew that I was still doing the right thing. “I am doing the right thing,” I keep saying to myself.

And now, look at me: a pathetic waste of space that has to rely on other people to eat, to live. To watch me when this blasted thing in me grabs me by the throat and chokes me. To help me continue and walk forward as this thing pounds my heart and quickens my pulse. To support me as this thing sits on my shoulders and digs its heels into my chest. I must martial my thoughts and talk to this cruel thing inside me to leave me alone as I do the simplest of tasks. Walking. Eating. Cleaning. Writing.

This cruel thing inside me has made me feel disgusted about myself. It lies, it always lies, I know it lies, but it has so stitched itself with my spirit and is so adept at mimicking the remaining few good voices in my head that I could not help but believe in this cruel, cruel thing. I feel like a helpless child again, lost in the forest. A dependent crybaby. A nuisance. A small, fragile boy hearing wolves growling behind the trees. I am wide-eyed, ever-watchful; sucking his thumb and soiling his pajamas. It feels like I need constant supervision. I need hand-holding. I need compassion and grace and a sword to strike this cruel, cruel thing.

Words; Ejay Diwas

Art: Andrew Scott

[sexylil-doll]

Eccedentesiast

Prince Heeseung x Princess Reader

Growing up as a Princess you thought everything was just like in a fairy tale story. Living in a big castle, wearing a crown and a dress, and having a Prince charming that'll love you till the very end. But that was just all your thoughts.

Being forced to be a grown up woman at the very young age is not what you expected it to be. Instead of playing toys, you were forced to do other things opposite to what you really want.

Instead of reading books and playing at the garden, you were appointed to find the prince you'll marry. So when your mother once again appointed you to meet the Prince of the Belift Kingdom, you took this opportunity to grasp the freedom you always wanted to have.

Once the carriage was out of your kingdom's border you kicked open the carriage door before jumping out. The knights that surrounded your carriage looked alarmed.

"My Princess!"

Your personal servitoare called for you, sounding so worried about your condition after jumping out, but even before they can move you immediately stood up to grasp your dress and run away through the woods.

You heard the knights order to follow you so instead of looking back you run as fast as you can. It was hard especially when you're wearing a very heavy dress.

As you go farther through the woods the noise of the knights and your personal servitoare became muffled until you can no longer hear them. Once you've make sure that you have lure them away you took this chance to take a breath.

Looking up, you found yourself in the middle of the woods. Birds chirping and crickets noise were the only sound you hear. Roaming around the woods seems dangerous for a Princess, but not for you.

As you took a long journey, you've found a small bustling town. A very neat and beautiful town. Once you stepped out of the woods some people have spotted you.

You wave them a small hi, before walking down the path that leads to the town's core. Everything in the town look so brilliant and astonishing.

"How come I've never heard of this small town before…" You whispered to yourself before getting startled by an old lady wearing an apron.

"Your highness, we're glad that you found our small town."

She smile and did a courtesy. As you were taken aback when she suddenly cupped your face. Her looks were full of admiration.

"You look just like your father."

Hearing those words from her your eyebrows raised. How did she know your late father? Perhaps did they met him?

"You must be tired. Come, with me."

She held your hand in hers as she took you inside the bakery filled with sweet scent. The scent was very intoxicating. She led you to the empty table before going inside the bakery's kitchen.

The bakery look so modern, actually the town itself is modernize. From the street lamppost, to the accents of each structure in the town. The town itself looks like a town from 19th century that you've seen from the books you read.

"You must be, Princess Y/n of Castria Kingdom."

The old lady said as she put a cup of tea and a plate with piece of cake on it surprising you. She patted your back before sitting down across.

"Your father, King Luther, was always here back then. He would always visit our small town. He even tells us that he always wanted a daughter that he'll name y/n for that name was his favorite."

Thinking about your late father somehow bring back the old memory from your childhood. He was the only one that let you be you. The only one that always understands and let you have the freedom you always wanted.

So when your father died, everything changed. Your mother became so strict, your brother Prince Yang Jungwon, became distant to you.

"How are you, dear?"

You looked at her when she asked that one question you never know what to answer. You wanted to burst out in tears, but princesses never do that. So instead of saying the truth you flashed her the smile you always show to everyone.

The smile that hide everything that you felt.

"S-spectacular."

You looked down to your tea cup when she looked at you straight in the eye. No one ever asked you that question before. Not even your mother, nor your brother.

So when she stood up and hugged you, you lose your cool and instantly burst out of tears. The warmth of her embrace make it more hard for you to stop crying and wailing like a little girl who lost her favorite toy.

"It must be so hard for you to loss your father, hmm. Don't over do yourself, your majesty. It was never wrong doing something you love."

She wiped your tears away and continue comforting you throughout the day. When the sundown came, you heard a noise made of a galloping horse.

You see someone through the wide glass. Base on his clothing, he look like someone from a royal family. He looked breathtaking. His hair was neatly brushed.

"Come with me, your majesty. I would like you to meet Prince Heeseung. He was very kind and generous. He somehow reminds me of your father. I'm very sure you'll get along."

She held your hand pulling you softly to the door to meet the Prince.

"Heesung-ssi, how are you, my dear?"

She greeted him without formality that surprised you. How long have they know each other that she called him without formality?

"Nanny Flor, I'm doing just great. I was appointed to meet my Princess, but she run away based on what her knights have said."

After hearing that your heart start beating. You lower your head and simply grabbed your crown off your head. The old lady named Flor, stared at you meaningfully.

"Are you perhaps meeting the Princess of Castria, Princess Y/n?"

You looked at the prince but to your surprise he was already looking at you and down to your crown. The side of his lips rose up like he discover something that amused him.

"Yes. I'm supposed to meet the runway Princess that was standing right across from me."

You sheepishly put your crown back before standing tall. He did his courtesy as you did yours too respectively.

"Your kingdom is on search for you right now, my Princess. Do you want me to bring you back to your kingdom?"

He said in a hushed tone. You and him were roaming around the small town as he keep you accompany. Nany Flor told him that you're new here and wanted to roam around so he volunteer to tour you around as Nany Flor still have a lots of work to do.

"It would be so nice of you to bring back your runaway Princess."

You smile at the towns people that were waving at your direction. While you were busy wondering around you never noticed his watchful eyes and amused grin that were directed to you.

How can somebody smile like that so easily after shedding a tear?

Others may think that you're happy, but not to Prince Heeseung. He knew very well what you were feeling, he too felt that. Being forced to do things you both don't want.

You're a gorgeous princess. Comparison to the princesses he have met before, they were nothing close to you. You were kind, generous, smart, a very stunning princess.

You're not afraid to runway like that. You respect all the people and treat them equally. For Prince Heeseung, you're the type of princess he always wanted.

But sadly, you weren't into royalties. You're a type of princess that prefer to be with a commoner than to be with him that'll soon run his own kingdom. You somehow reminded him of his little brother. Prince Sunoo.

He have met your younger brother, and he must say that your brother was very protective of you. The young prince even threatened to break his bone if he hurted you.

A small smile rose up from his lips at the thought of you being his.

What a wonderful dream

When you both arrive at your kingdom's borders royal knights welcome you. The relief in their faces was evident the moment they saw you together with the Prince of Belift Kingdom.

They escorted you both back to the castle.

People from your kingdom was also relieved that their Princess has comeback safely.

Upon arriving at the castle, the messenger announced your arrival together with Prince Heeseung. He never leave your side until you walked inside the castle.

You felt sorry after seeing your personal servitoare shed her tears upon seeing you safe and unharmed.

Your mother, the Queen, loses her cool upon seeing you. She ran to your direction and hugged you tight. Her sobbing makes you more guilty.

You never intend to scared them like that. You only want some freedom even in a little bit of time.

Even your younger brother Prince Jungwon was at the bridge of losing his mind just by thinking that you were in danger. His cold demeanor disappeared after his tears escaped from his eyes.

He may be so distant to you, but he still loves you. You're his sister.

"Don't do that again! You made us so worried! Never run away, again."

Your mother scolded you while sobbing. You nodded your head feeling so guilty of what you've done.

Your mother turn her heels to Prince Heeseung doing her courtesy. She was thankful enough to have you back safely.

"Thank you for bringing back my daughter, your highness. Please, join us for dinner. For the meantime my son, Prince Jungwon, will accompany you while they prepare for dinner."

You bid her goodbye before stalking your way back to your room with you personal servitoare trailing behind you.

It's been days since that happened. Your guards were doubled, and good thing they didn't replace your personal servitoare. Ever since then, Prince Heeseung kept on visiting you and giving you flowers.

He sometimes accompany you when you wonder at the downtown. You've grown closer and attached to him. You didn't understand what you're feeling but everytime he did something, it always makes your heart fluttered.

When their kingdom held a ball you were very excited to the point that you ended up deciding on what you'll wear. Unbeknownst to you, your mother, and Prince Jungwon, noticed your behaviour towards Prince Heeseung.

Your mother was glad that you've grown feelings for the Prince you're bound to marry. She may or may not admit it, she only wants what is best for you. She still wants you to marry someone you truly love.

And now that you've found someone as good as Prince Heeseung, she was relieved enough that you were in a good hands.

Once the sun bid its goodbye, the moon shone up brightly in the starry sky. The beating of your heart gets louder when you spotted the castle of Belift kingdom. It was standing proudly in the middle of their kingdom.

Lights were making it more look so magical. It was breathtakingly beautiful even from afar.

On the other side Prince Heeseung, himself cannot handle the nervousness he felt. He kept on paising around making his younger brothers hissed at him.

"Sit still will you."

Prince Sunoo hissed at his brother. While the youngest Prince, Prince Ni-Ki snicker at his older brothers miserable state.

"Do you think she'll agree to have me as her fiance? She might runaway again."

Prince Heeseung felt something tugging on his heart just by thinking of you running away. He has grown feeling for you ever since he met you.

All the times where he would held you close to him whenever you're riding in his horse, the times where he would bring you to the flowery field outside the borders.

Having you to his side was something he always wanted.

So when the ball started, he can't help but to grew more nervous. But upon seeing you at the entrance everything seems to stop.

The moment your eyes met his, your heart started beating crazier. You both did your courtesy. He was breathtakingly handsome. No other Princes can be compare to him. The beauty he hold is very unique.

"How are you, my Princess?"

Prince Heeseung asked caressing your delicate hand softly.

"Spectacular. How about you, my Prince?"

He smiled sweetly at you brushing the back of his hand on your soft cheeks affectionately staring straight to your eyes.

"Good and relieved, now that you're here."

He dances you in the middle of the ballroom. In front of every noble families. Letting them see how good you both are together. Every waltz is splendid.

After that splendid dance he walked you through the balcony. His arm were wrapped around your waist.

"Se agapó, Prinkípissá mou."

Even in different language you still understand what he said. You feel your heart harmed inside your chest.

You look at him straight in the eyes. You know you've grown feelings for him. But you never know that it was this deep until he said those words to you.

You flashed him a smile that melt his heart.

"Se agapó."

You said in a hushed tone that was barely inaudible. If he weren't that close enough he might missed it.

He cupped your cheeks in happiness. Prince Heeseung have never felt this way before. Everything felt surreal to him.

As your lips met, the fireworks exploded making you both look so magical from the balcony. With beating hearts and affectionate looks, you hugged each other and watched the fireworks that lit the starry sky together.

[amazing-spiderling]

4, 17, 28

4. What is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

Hmm... that's pretty hard. I think the actual plot bunny I've had tucked in the back of my brain the longest isn't actually fanfic, but a story that was inspired after I read "American Gods". (And a little bit after seeing Batman Beyond? Haha, stay with me here.) TLDR the general population is all super powered in some way or form, whether it's physical mutation (something like wings), a super power (laser eyes, super strength) or cybernetic augmentation. But the story follows a small crew of characters that for one reason or another do not have powers, and because of this are basically undocumented/non-entities. While this makes their lives harder in many ways, it also means they're able to operate under the radar and so they've formed a group that helps people with their various problems when they have nowhere else to turn. It was kind of an ambitious project and I thought of the idea (and some of the characters long enough ago) that I think it would need a bit of an overhaul (and probably multiple sensitivity readers since some of the characters were neurodivergent).

17. what is your favorite line you’ve ever written?

I answered this already but I'll give you another line I wrote. This one is from a story that took me absolutely ages to write- it's a Metal Gear Solid prequel story I wrote for an anthology I organized. This story is about Hal Emmerich (Otacon) as a teenager, dealing with the stilted relationships in his relationship and generally feeling adrift and disconnected from people, which helps explain his state of mind before he was taken advantage of by his step mother. I did a lot of watching "The Graduate" before writing this one (a movie I fully believe influenced Kojima in regards to Hal and the Emmerichs in general). The story opens with a birthday party for Hal's younger step-sister, Emma, and the guests are made up of his father's professional acquaintances and other people Hal barely knows. At one point, a guest comes and gives Hal the general "Is that you, my how you've grown" greeting and Hal responds thusly:

It’s Hal

I’m me.

“It’s me.”  He has no idea who the man is, but it doesn’t seem to matter.'

--

It's not the most flowery bit of writing, but there's something about the emptiness of the phrasing that makes Hal seem distant, even from his own identity and I really like that.

28. Handwritten notes or typed notes?

Oh, gosh, typed all the way. Sometimes it takes the form of me blabbing to a friend at 3 am. Sometimes it's just me brainstorming in a google doc. I would absolutely lose anything I jotted down on paper, so it's nice to have something I can access from anywhere, especially if I want to share and idea with a friend and get some feedback.

[ravs6709]

I've Come A Long Way- Sophie & The Foster Family

This one's a songfic for the song Going Far by Jyc Row. I just really like the family feels from it, and lately while listening to it I've been thinking about Sophie and her human family. So just a short thing that I wrote really fast

I did change a couple of the lyrics, just to swap a few pronouns to make it fit

Song lyrics are in italics, but so are flashbacks in dialogue (the latter have quotation marks so you'll know it's not part of the song)

Warnings: None I think

•~•~•~•~•~•

It's hard finding hope among the hopeless,

Sometimes it feels like wasted time.

A house of cards and now you're homeless,

But all you remember is the climb.

Sophie's head ached from all the thoughts that bombarded her mind. Every little detail, the opinions that people shared were like knives that stabbed her brain.

Her family was the reprieve from all that pain, she loved them so much, even if they did have negative thoughts sometimes. She knew that they truly cared for her, they would give the world for her.

But as a telepath, as someone with strange powers like hers, as someone who didn't even look like her family, she would always be someone other. When Fitz found her, her entire world changed, her entire viewpoint collapsed like a house of cards.

She wasn't Sophie Foster the human, she was Sophie Foster the elf, the moonlark who would help the Lost Cities with her knowledge. Everything that happened ever since she went to the Lost Cities was like a whirlwind, so many battles were fought and countless secrets were unveiled.

Sophie had to fight for her life, she had to fight for her friends, so sometimes, she didn't always have the time to think about her human family.

It's hard to know where I might be,

If I hadn't left you three that day.

Who I would become or what I'd see,

What advice you'd give me to lead the way.

It didn't mean that she didn't miss them, she missed them with every fibre of her being. After all, they were the ones who'd raised her for twelve years, she had twelve years' worth of memories with them.

She loved the Lost Cities. She loved her parents. Grady and Edaline were sweet and fun, and they showered her with so much love. But she still missed her old family. They were the ones that she'd grown up with, she had years and years of memories with them.

They were the ones that had raised her, took care of her, kept her safe, especially after she'd manifested. They weren't able to understand her constant headaches or her rapidly rising grades in school, but they had accepted her as their daughter.

Without them and their praises, without them and their guidance, she would have never made it as far as she did now.

But it's not hard to feel proud of who we are.

You've raised a daughter that's going far.

They raised a daughter who was strong, kind and courageous. With that same courage, Sophie made every step with the values they'd instilled in her.

Sophie Foster was the moonlark, and she was going to make things right.

Cause I know that,

If home is where the heart is, it's wherever I roam.

Cause I know that with the stars above I'll never feel alone.

During those rare peaceful hours, when her mind was idle, she often thought about her family. Were they okay? Were they happy? She'd curl under the blankets and watch over them with her spyball. While Sophie was the one doing the watching, her family were like the stars; distant, out of reach, but always present. She could always look to them and know that they were there.

I shine as bright as them in every way I've grown.

And I know that those who've come and gone are proud of what I've shown.

"I hope you're proud of me," Sophie whispered to the spyball. "I love you."

You taught me how to keep my head up to the skies,

You taught me how to not be afraid.

You're always teaching me, even to this day,

From stories that'll never fade away.

"One step at a time," her mother would say, every time Sophie tried learning a new activity. "It's okay if you fall. Just try and stand up afterwards, okay?"

"It's normal if you're afraid," her father would say. "I know I would be. It's stupid and unrealistic to try and have no fear at all. Try to keep pushing through, that's the most important thing. I know up can do it, so believe in yourself. I believe in you, Soybean."

Sophie smiled at the nickname that she'd always hated as a child.

I wonder if you can see me now,

If you do does every step fill you up with pride?

I know that if you did, I'd never ask myself,

If these feelings are your voice speaking inside.

One step at a time, Sophie kept pushing herself. One step at a time, she made her moves, stood up against the Neverseen. Just like they said, even after she made a mistake, she kept on going. She had so many reasons to be afraid, but she didn't let them chain her down.

Her parents had felt that Sophie would be able to accomplish many great things, though- Sophie grinned wryly- she was sure that saving the world wasn't what they'd expected.

If they could see her now, if they could see the strong person that she'd become now, she was sure that they'd be proud of her.

But it's not hard to feel proud of who we are.

You've raised a daughter that's going far.

She'd changed a lot over the past few years in the Lost Cities, she'd already come so far. She'd unveiled so many horrible secrets, and she would continue to do so, until so many of the issues she'd found in the "perfect world" were corrected. She'd come so far, and she had longer to go until she'd reach that point.

Cause I know that,

If home is where the heart is, it's wherever I roam.

Cause I know that with the stars above I'll never feel alone.

I shine as bright as them in every way I've grown.

And I know that those who've come and gone are proud of what I've shown .

She was the moonlark, shining bright wherever she went. She had her family with her, whether they were aware of it or not. With each step she made, she would continue to make them proud.

Cause I'm a product of the love you made,

And with every breath I take you'll never fade.

I swear to the skies I'll never let you down,

Though I miss you so much I will never wear that frown.

Sophie smiled longingly at the display of her family, touching the spyball as if it would allow her to reach her family. She missed them so much her heart ached, but she used that as another reason to keep going. One day, she'd make sure that the relationship between humans and elves would be repaired. Then, she'd be able to see her family again.

•~•~•~•~•~•

Kotlc taglist: @keefeinnit @my-swan-song @impostertamsong @subrosasteath

Want to be added/removed from the kotlc taglist? Just let me know!

[ma-gic-gay]

"What the fuck?" Michael asks, voice at a dangerous level. He startles them and they pull apart. "You two promised me you're not in a relationship, so what do you call this?"

They've been caught.

Shit.

"Kissing," Carly answers quickly, half lying and half telling the truth. "We're not dating."

"Then please explain to me what this is, Mom," he asks. "You too, Jason."

"Explain what?" Joss asks, walking into the room.

"They kissed."

"Avery owes me 5 bucks now," the blonde smiles. "I can buy a coffee with that money."

"Great, a free coffee. Are you at all having an emotional reaction to Mom and Jason kissing?" Michael asks his sister, who's ignoring him.

"Not my business who Mom and Jason kiss," she responds calmly.

When did she get so grown up? She had her "child of the corn" years a few years ago, but now she's an adult and not freaking out over this? His goddaughter's all grown up. One hell of a way to make you feel old.

"I can't believe you're so calm about this, Joss! They lied to us!"

"Did they? They said they weren't dating. First off, that's a present tense which could've changed, and they didn't say anything about kissing in hospitals," she says, confused.

"Here's that first aid kit for Jason, Carly," Elizabeth says, entering the tense room and handing it to the traumatized woman in the hospital bed. "Do you two need something?"

"My mother to figure out what the hell she feels for Jason Morgan," Michael answers bitterly.

"I'm not going to ask."

"They kissed! And they did it yesterday!" Michael exclaims, emotions getting the best of him before he can remember his tact.

Everyone's shocked he screamed that, Elizabeth especially. "Well. Um, I'm gonna head out. You guys enjoy... Whatever this is."

That's one way for it to come out.

"It's out in the open now," Carly chuckles, opening up the first aid kit and pulling out the bandages, hydrogen peroxide, and Neosporin.

"Mom, what are you doing with his hand?"

"He punched a wall so I'm cleaning up the cuts."

"Why'd you do that?"

"People were gossipping about your mother and what happened to her tonight. It pissed me off and I ended up punching a wall."

"By the looks of it you broke the wall."

"Nah, just a few scratches," Jason tells him before the stinging sensation of the hydrogen peroxide is on his hand. Not exactly a pleasant one.

"Well, are you okay?"

"Besides the fact your mother is stinging me with this stuff, I'm fine."

"Good. What happened to you tonight, Mom?" Michael asks gingerly.

Suddenly, the tension in the air amplifies by 50 if that's even possible. There's a good minute and a half where it's just an awkward silence before Carly answers him, filling the time with applying bandaids to his wounds, "Cyrus took me from the Metro Court. Well, one of his goons. But the goon took me to the Floating Rib, that little room above the bar. Somehow he knew the importance of that place to me and I was kidnapped. He raped me. I also got pretty beat up when I was resisting. Just when I was sure I'd never leave that room, Jason came in and saved me. Cyrus is in police custody right now and there's no way in hell he's getting off."

"He always saves all of us," Joss smiles at him. "Thanks."

"Anytime. I'll always save you guys, you know that," Jason returns her smile and sees one appear on Michael's face as well, though he's half ready to kill someone. It always happens when someone brings up rape, Michael gets distant and mad. Probably because of his own experience with it.

It's a good thing Cyrus is in police custody because if he wasn't, Jason has a feeling that he'd end up helping them cover up a murder.

"Mom, I'm so sorry you had to go through it. Cyrus is a sick bastard. You know that I'll be able to pull some strings and all of the Quartermaine's will testify in your behalf if you need to go to trial," Michael offers.

"Thanks, but I'm hoping he'll plead guilty and I won't have to sit through a trial."

"Well, if you do, you've got the best lawyer in the state on your side and all of us," Joss says, "besides, there's a bunch of evidence he did it. And everyone knows Jason's practically incapable of lying, so he'll be a great witness!"

"You, on the other hand, are a good liar, Joss," Michael counters.

"The law doesn't know that, Michael."

"I better never get a call I have to bail you out of jail."

"I'll call Cam or Trina. You'll be last on the list of people I'd call to bail me out, trust me," she playfully reassures her brother.

"Is that an insult or a compliment?"

"You pick."

"I'm sorry, but Mrs. Corinthos cannot have visitors anymore," Epiphany tells them, interrupting the group gathering.

Sadly, her kids say goodbye to her, promising to visit in the morning. Jason, however, doesn't leave his chair. "Mr. Morgan, did you hear me? No more visitors. Visiting hours are over."

"I'm family."

"So are her children. They don't get to stay the night, neither do you."

"I need him to stay. When I sleep, I keep having nightmares- screaming, terrifying nightmares, and he's the only one who can get me back to sleep. Come on, Epiphany, you know we always spend the night in each other's hospital rooms," Carly attempts to bargain with the nurse.

"And if this were normal circumstances, I would allow it."

"What about this isn't normal circumstances?" Jason asks.

"Well, first off, Michael told Elizabeth about your... Activity. And second, this is a police investigation too. Hospital policy says that he can't stay the night."

"Oh my god," Carly scoffs, "because my son discussed something with us that Lizzie overheard and then spread to the whole town by now, he can't spend the night? Epiphany, I've given myself panic attacks with these nightmares already and he's been here! He's the only person who can calm me down and I know how important rest is for recovery. Besides, it's not like we have no self control. I would never have sex in a hospital."

Epiphany cocks an eyebrow at Jason, who innocently raises his hands. "You know me better than that."

Carly starts laughing at him being stared down by Epiphany, who he simply stated blankly at back. It's a contest of who's going to back down first, and they all know he'll win. His stubbornness is one personality trait that always comes out in hospitals.

"Fine. But I swear, if you two go at it, there will be hell to pay," Epiphany threatens before leaving, letting Jason stay in there. A win. "And she cannot stay up all night making out with you, she needs her rest. So do you, you look like hell."

"Yes ma'am," they answer and she shakes her head before closing the door.

"I feel like I'm in high school again," Carly jokes.

"No clue what that's like."

"Hell, if you're me. You, though, I bet you were that one kid all the teachers loved and the students too. A golden boy. I'm convinced you would've hated me in high school."

"Well, I wouldn't have remembered it anyways," he reminds her.

"Nah, I'm unforgettable," she says, a smirk playing on her lips. "Even with an amnesia causing coma."

"That's not how it-" he gets cut off by her kissing him again.

This is becoming more and more normal and that scares him. He's comfortable in his reality and, as usual, she's ready to bring Hurricane Carly into his life and break his equilibrium.

Well, that and the thought she could make another of those lists. The list scares him more than breaking this state of equilibrium.

"We promised Epiphany we wouldn't do this," he reminds her when they break apart.

"No, we promised her I'd rest and that we wouldn't stay up all night kissing or have sex," Carly corrects.

"Yes, you need your rest, Carly. Please, try to sleep," he urges.

"I'm offended!"

"Carly-"

"You have a guy telling you you're wrong and shut him up and now you've got to sleep. God how times have changed."

"No, it's not that. You, however, need your sleep. Besides, if you have a nightmare, I promise you can kiss me again," he finds himself saying.

Well. That part was unexpected. He really needs a reevaluation of feelings for her.

"Well, if his Royal Highness-"

"I'll kiss you if you have a nightmare, alright?" Jason revises his statement and she smiles.

"Deal."

"Good, you need to rest."

"So do you."

"Just worry about yourself, I'm fine."

"Mhm," she haphazardly agrees, allowing herself to fall back into a slumber while he shifts in the chair he's mastered the ability of sleeping in over the years.

To be continued later in life when it's not 1:30 am est

go to sleep :)

[thewickedwilds]

I know I've already put one ask in here, but I've got another question about what makes one a witch. Is it possible for magic to be passed down the bloodline? My family has a very strong Irish bloodline and most women in my family (especially my mother) have detailed dreams about the future that always come true. However they mostly push it away due to fear of deviating from Christianity. I've always had these too, and theyre getting stronger (as I'm 16). Is it possible to have a "witchy" gene?

Hi there! So to answer your first question, witchcraft is more like a cultural thing, if that makes sense to you. It is also somewhat of an umbrella term. Nearly every culture has some type of folk magic if you go back far enough. Many of these folk magic traditions have survived today, and are now categorized as neo-paganism.

This being said, some people seem to be born with natural gift, while others are called to the path later in life. Others are raised in a family where they are trained from a young age. It is no secret that Irish/Celtic people have deep roots in paganism. It was their identity until they were forced into Christianity. Though there are many pagan traditions still present in Irish culture, the Irish are known for being devoted Christians. It is a mindset that has been drilled into the culture for generations, because pagans were so violently persecuted against. The good news: many Celtic descendants are rediscovering their identity now that society isn’t hanging witches for sport! Whether you practice as a religious or non-religious witch, you can certainly find a place in the community without judgment (even if your family doesn’t agree with your life choice, or you are in the ‘broom closet’)

If you display natural gifts, the path may be calling to you. You may have not-so-distant ancestors who practiced, that you could call upon for guidance. It is not uncommon for “natural born witches” to have strong ties to witchcraft in their family. It’s possible that others in your family ignore or bury their own gifts due to religion, or they may just not have any.

This is similar to my own experience into witchcraft, which I really identified with my entire life. My family was somewhat religious, but open minded. I really dove into it after puberty, when most witches feel a sudden boost or push. While looking into my Irish and Native American heritage, I finally found something that Christianity could never answer for me. I too have the gift of clairvoyance, which has only grown stronger with age. My family actually accepted me as the “family witch” before I ever did. Since then my own mother has actually started to convert with me, and family members come to me for help with supernatural matters.

The most important thing is that you follow the path that you want, not the path others want for you. Do not be ashamed of choosing your own beliefs, and do not fear the wrath of your parents religion. Always accept yourself.@utopicglow