#i've gone into how i think dan felt weird about it at first but it had nothing to do with desmond being a man

[simptasia]

it occured to me that i have a lot of bi headcanons for lost where it’s like, the character hasn’t accepted it yet. part of this is because 2004 to 2007 was somehow still having issues grappling with this concept

so i’m making a list of bi headcanons in lost, but it’s the characters who haven’t accepted it and why they haven’t yet (or ever)

internalized biphobia ahoy!

jack

he’s attracted to women so rationally he’s not gay, right? yeah he’s using the it’s one or the other logic. jack knows there’s nothing wrong with being gay. he’s just not gay. that’s fine. it’s fine. [shakes images out of his head]

also i know in my heart that christian and margo are queerphobic. not in the full on getting the belt out way but in the passive aggressive way

claire

she just assumes all straight women feel this way about women and it takes a while for it to occur to her that she’s just in a bizarre form of denial

desmond

he regards his experiences with other men in the army to be “experimenting” and he chooses not to dwell on it

richard

it just took a reeeeally long time for him to find his closet key (miles). the bisexuality was always waiting inside him, it just didn’t unlock until he was like 179 ish. and yes, miles finds this fucking baffling in a “you’re this hot and you’ve been alive this long and you haven’t been getting both kinds of ass??” way

ben

he grew up aware that queer people exist (dharma being a hippie commune) but also instilled in him that it’s weird and gross (roger). but also i think ben has a weird view of sexuality, that sexual desire makes people... weaker? in the sense that he’s observed that people act foolish for sex and love and therefore such emotions are a weakness and he’s better than that

so it’s a weird thing where ben isn’t homophobic to other people (if tom, greta and bonnie are any indication) but he is to himself. but he’s also shaming himself for having sexual desire at all. i think cuz he’s convinced himself that he’s selfless and utterly devoted to jacob and the island. sometimes he almost believes his own lies. but yeah anyways touching himself makes him feel icky, whether it’s about men or women or both so... yeah

locke

okay, locke is bi to me but i’ve always been ? about his sexuality because wow, locke feels like such a nonsexual being to me. so like does locke know he’s bi? i think so? but i don’t think he’d ever call himself that

i think if you asked, locke would say “i don’t wanna label it” or something

besides anything else, he’s an older man who grew up in the foster care system, i have to assume he grew up hearing that being queer is a Bad Thing

locke doesn’t agree but he’d rather not commit to the concept. like, maybe locke thinks being Gay would require him to do things or act a certain way rather than just be. so he’s just like “i am what i am” and stares at a sunset

sawyer

okay now here’s a bitch who actually would be homophobic, biphobic, etc. and it’s directed at himself also. he’s got an idea in his head of what gay dudes are like and no way is he like that so he’s not gay. as for being bi, i think if somebody (eg. charlie) said they were bi, he’d roll his eyes because he thinks they’re saying it for attention. “oh yeah everybody’s bi nowadays, pfft”

also i think sawyer thinks bi people, if they exist, are just people who have threesomes all the time. all the while, he is bi and he’s just making himself not confront it. and hey, even if he was, ya know, queer - not that he is - he’s giving not taking so it’s less gay, obviously. yeah, his bisexuality got all tainted by toxic masculinity. i love sawyer but i ain’t gonna pretend he ain’t got some macho posturing shit going on. and he’s canonically bigoted

shannon

making out with girls is just something you do for fun, haha it’s just silly time, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s not like Real Love, haha, your lips are so soft...

....oh

boone

a combo of not wanting to be mocked and a bad case of “it doesn’t count if”. it’s just porn, it doesn’t count because it’s not real. as long as i don’t do stuff with a dude, it doesn’t count. okay so i did stuff with a dude, but it was a threesome and a girl was there so it doesn’t count. okay okay i did stuff with a dude and it wasn’t a threesome but he never put it inside me so it doesn’t count. okay this dude put it inside me but-

and so on

(and to make it weirder, i think boone would just be gay if shannon didn’t exist. like the Wants Girls part of his sexuality only exists because of her. yikes)

anyways

assume that other characters i consider bi had issues with it when they were younger but are pretty much over it by the time of adulthood (tho charlie does grapple with it. like he’s accepted being bi in a “well, there’s no hope for me anyways” kind of way, so it’s... back handed self acceptance?)

thank you for your time

[paceypeternathanslawyer]

Sophia: This was the first season that James started directing on our show and he got so passionate about it. I remember he was starting to shadow the producers and starting to shadow Paul. When Nathan knocked on Brooke's door, I had this immediate sense memory moment. I had forgotten this until I saw the scene. James went and advocated to the writers that in all the connecting Nathan was doing with Quentin, we were missing the Nathan and Brooke being essentially the same characters in high school. We were missing them connect as grownups about their journey. He pitched that!

Joy: He did? I didn't know that!

Sophia: Yes, he pitched that. He was like, 'I think we're missing an opportunity and with this character having gone through this thing, this violence, I think it's weird that this man who's been in her life all this time who's the only person who knows her journey with toxic parents and whatever, isn't gonna talk to her about it.' And he was right.

Joy: So insightful.

Sophia: It was such a good scene. I remember now, he went and like argued... I mean, not argued, but had this great idea and they loved it and put it in the episode. He was directing before he was even directing. That's a cheat code. Having the confidence as an actor, 6 years into a job, to be like 'hey, if this was my real life with my real friends i've been working with for 6 years, I would immediately go check on this person. Why aren't we doing that on camera?' And they put it in the show! That boy deserves a writing credit.

Joy: Let's talk about that scene though because one of my notes is 'Everyone's acting like Brooke is acting normal' and it's really strange to me and I was so glad to see Nathan walk in and even though he didn't acknowledge flat out "Hey, you're being weird. This is beyond you just fell down the stairs" but he was preserving her pride and privacy and all those things she was clearly wanting to hold onto but also letting her know " Hey, i'm here for you" in a very real and important way beyond a suggestion of therapy, which was nice, but still not noticing what is really going on. Beyond "Here's your apartment key." He just dropped into a level of acknowledging that there was something deeper going on and I appreciated that.

Sophia: I did too and I liked that he was really gentle but he didn't-- like Nathan doesn't let Brooke get away with it. When she says "I'm fine. Really" his response is "That sounds like something i'd say" and then he goes into this whole thing "Yes, we've experienced a loss but it doesn't mean your problems are any less important" and then he reminds her like of their similar roads, their same cliques in high school, their parents who were like children. We were these bad versions of ourselves and look who we've become and I know how hard it is. I don't want you to isolate. I want you to come talk to me. I'm an ally here for you. I think there's something so important, interestingly because Brooke had this terrible relationship with her parents and they haven't been there for her and Nathan has had this terrible relationship with Dan but like Deb is finally showing up for him. He's able to show up for Brooke as the dad he is... Jamie's dad. I felt like he was being my father figure in this scene and it was so kind. Brooke's never had that.

💕💕 Drama Queens 💕💕

[rinnybitty]

Walking all Day ["00Day":"00Rin","00Post"]

It's Friday when in writing this so Its been 2 days but I feel confident I can still recap.

Early Wednesday morning, around 2am, I have a feeling of sadness overwhelming me and with my lights off I'm surrounded in darkness. Edgy I guess but the darkness was just causing me to get worse and worse thinking of more dark and depressing topics which made me go deeper. One of the things I thought of was an old friend, not even a year ago he committed suicide. We weren't close, honestly we barely spoke as much as the others do. Still, we were friends and before he went I did speak to him in school a bit which kept the contact.

Laying in my bed I thought about him and what his parents did to his room, did they leave it. Are they still suffering by walking near it? It hurts to think although he is gone he won't truly leave, to them the memories he left in their house will haunt them and his family won't forget him. Dark topics I know but it lead me to want to see his grave.

I messaged another old friend, Daniel, he was closest to him and I feel the most comfortable around him. We hadn't spoke much in a while and I still wanted to keep contact so I still had his info. Messaged him at 3am and he responded at 8. We agreed to meet up at 1:30pm outside his college, it was a long walk so I had to leave early. I made sure to set an alarm for 12pm.

12pm comes, I've barely slept and I'm now in the shower getting ready to leave. My mood is now fine, probably for the best since if we got to his grave and I was like this I don't know how I'd handle it. I finally left at 12:40, I didn't know how long it'd take to get to his college but I left early incase. Took pictures along the way there

It took me 45 minutes to walk up there, 2 miles in 45 minutes seems slow but I was taking my time for once since I didn't have to rush. Back in highschool I had to rush all the way to school from my home, a mile in 10 minutes. I hated that and today I chose to take my sweet time because of it and have fun doing so, it was a nice and calming walk and helped me feel better for when I got to Daniel.

By the time I got there it was 1:30pm, I thought I was going to be late because I didn't know the exact way but my memory and a few signs helped me. He came out a bit late and probably expected to talk to me at the gate maybe 10 - 20 minutes not walk all the way down to a grave today. Oh btw I didn't tell him where we were going till I got him because I didn't want to text him that since I felt weird ;-;. Daniel came out, I didn't notice him at first. He looked different since I last seen him since it was a funeral and all, he looked happier. I told him to walk and talk since it felt easier to talk when walking otherwise I'd just feel awkward and not know what to do with my hands, there was two things I wanted to do that day. We walked down a bit before I started to realised I didn't know the way and had to ask him, we was going to see a friends grave. I hadn't been there since the burial so I wanted to visit.

While walking there the first thing I wanted to talk about was what he brought up to a cousin of mine. How I am trans. My cousin isn't a nice person, he's racist and transphobic. So when I heard he found out I knew that it was something I couldn't just leave, at least I thought. We walked for about 30 mins and talked about my gender and sexuality and how Dan came out as gay and has a boyfriend now, in that time he mentioned how they probably forgot and I felt slightly relieved.

I thought the worst part was how I was going to be embarrassed talking about my gender and whatever, but when we got to the grave it was worse. Me being me only knows how to talk and talk and talk, of course I felt sad but nothing compared to Dan. I knew Liam, but barely enough to still be considered friends. We went to the same primary and high school albeit we may not have talked too much we did still have a friendship. Daniel cried, at the grave. I didn't know whether to console him or just let him be. We hadn't spoken in months so I chose the latter, I talked a bit here and there about what I was thinking and ended it there. We left and walked back to his college and after a bit more conversation I said bye and left on my way.

My journey wasn't over until I walked back though, so I did. All the way to my home and just when I got to the turn I wanted doughnuts. Instead of walking right to my house I carried on forward to Asda. I was messaging a friend the other day when he showed a picture of some doughnuts, Krispy Kreme UwU doughnuts. Of course I wasn't gonna find those in England of all places but I still wanted Krispy Kreme. On a venture I went, Asda to Morrisons to Tesco. It took an extra hour just to find and procure doughnuts and still at the end of it all I had to walk home. I really don't think it was worth it since I bought a dozen to share with family and now I look back thinking, I really should have just bought 1.

By the end of the journey my steps was over 10 thousand yet it wasn't fully tracked since I only installed the app after I started walking to Asda so an AI did the rest of the math. It was fun and I would do it again

[soyouthinkucanwrite]

July 2nd - Daniel Ricciardo

Based on New Year's Day by Taylor Swift and this request by @spikejonzed

Fluffly, mentions of sex, banter, nothing graphic.

BTW, I don't know how I've never paid attention to this song, it's so so beautiful and honest. I've thought about this concept before though: the "Sunday afternoon effect", when all the excitement of the weekend wears off and you're just hanging out with your friends, laughing about silly stuff, or cleaning up the house after the party. The thing is, the friends that stay till then are the ones you wanna hold on to, and the same goes for lovers. I feel kind of bad... well not BAD but you know, must be hard... when you're famous and rich, to recognize the good ones from the beginning before you give yourself too much away and it's too late.

To be honest with you guys, I think Daniel must feel a bit lonely sometimes. We all do, but to think that people are only interested in you for your fame and money must be tough... something you worked so hard, that you keep dedicating your life to, to think that that thing is the reason for your heartbreak, to your loneliness... It's a two-edged sword, isn't it? Anyway, I wrote this little something with Daniel in mind, hope you guys like it. Hope he finds someone to be like this someday. Hell, hope I find someone to be like this someday. I think everyone deserves that.

Daniel woke up in his bed, no shoes, but jeans and party shirt still on. The light coming through the windows, shining directly on his face, threatening to make his headache even worse. He let out a groan and turned to the side. There's someone on his bed with him. Shit. He just remembered. Last night was the first time he was introducing (y/n) to his friends. His birthday "small get together" (or at least that's what it was supposed to be) was the perfect opportunity for testing the waters and giving the "next step" without making too much fuss about it, after all, they've only been going out for a couple months and with his tight schedule it meant a lot of facetime calls and weekends, but almost no weekdays and routine stuff.

Yet, he was absolutely smitten with her, she was fun and easygoing, passionate about her own work and friends, but still caring and interested in him. They had amazing chemistry, mind-blowing even. But Daniel had lived enough to know that hanging out with someone on the weekends and knowing their best side was one thing, living through daily and mundane stuff was a completely different thing. Where this could go was still a mystery to him and he didn't want to raise too many expectations before he was sure. Still, she looked so beautiful sleeping, a true vision. He tried to remember if something had happened last night, but judging by his clothes still on, and hers as well, he guessed not. As if on cue, she smiled, with her eyes still closed.

"Stop being creepy" she said smiling. "I can feel you watching me sleep"

"You're not even asleep anymore" he smiled and she opened her eyes. He was taken back by her eyes staring directly into his.

"Still creepy though" she laughed, getting closer to him. He held her and they stayed like that for a while.

"Are you ok?" he asked her.

"What do you mean?

"Aren't you hungover, or sick?" he asked again and she laughed.

"Not at all. I have this really weird superpower, you know, I don't get hungover. Ever, actually" she laughed.

"I don't believe you. I have the headache"

"No, it's true. We did drink a lot yesterday, though" she commented.

"Yeah, well, welcome to having Australian friends. No such thing as light drinking with those guys" he laughed but grimaced at the pain in his brain.

"I'll get you something"

"Huh?"

"For the pain" she explained getting up from the bed.

After a while she returned with a pill and a glass of water, passing them to him.

"Thank you, baby" he took the glass, finishing it. "Come back to bed now"

"Your house... like, I'm not even sure if I should tell you to take a look or just pack your essentials and abandon it" she smiled.

"Uhh" he groaned. "I'll call someone later"

"Like a constructor with a wrecking ball?" she laughed.

"It can't be that bad"

"It's bad" she started. "But we can manage it" He looked at her intrigued. "After a shower" she pulled his hand. "Join me?"

"If I ever say no to that question, just put me in an asylum" he said. "I need a kiss though, as motivation" he smirked.

"Noo... I have morning breath"

"What? Me too" he said pulling her down and kissing her anyway. "Uh, no. You're right. Yours is worst" he said laughing while getting up and walking into the bathroom.

"Asshole!" she laughed following him.

They stripped and got into the shower, taking turns in letting the water run through their bodies.

"Come here" Daniel said, putting some body wash in his hands and spreading them over (y/n) body.

"Hum... this feels nice" she said.

"You're so beautiful" he said kissing her shoulder.

"You're so wasted" she laughed lightly.

"Hey! I'm sober. I'm just too tired. Give me a couple hours to recover, and I'll claim my birthday privileges"

"Birthday privileges? It's not even your birthday anymore" she laughed.

"Okay, but first, it's the weekend of, and second, I didn't get any time alone with you yesterday"

"Fair. And what will be your requests, may I ask?" she asked teasingly.

"Humm... you're so creative" he said kissing her. "I'm sure we'll think of something"

They finished the shower after a while, enjoying each other's company and the comfortable silence.

"Did anyone crashed here?" (y/n) asked when they were stepping out of the shower.

"I have no idea" Daniel answered. "I just remembered going to take a nap and waking up this morning. Shit, we didn't... did we?" (y/n) laughed out loud at that.

"Wow! Really, Dan?"

"We did not. I would've remembered"

"Good save. Such a gentleman" she laughed.

"I drank way too much. Sorry. Don't be mad"

"It's fine. I'm messing with you, I don't remember anything either. To be honest, I don't even remember joining you on your 'nap'" she said making air quotes.

"We're the worst hosts" he said getting out of the bathroom and going into the closet to get some clothes.

(y/n)'s heart swelled at the thought of hosting a party with Daniel. There was something so intimate about that statement, so homey.

"You want a shirt?" Daniel asked from the other room, waking her up from her daydream.

"Yeah, sure" she took the shirt, some underwear, and some sweats. Then brushed her wet hair and looked in the mirror. Not a trace of makeup left. She sighed thinking about how falling into a routine with Daniel meant letting the barriers down.

"Alright, snap out of it" she said to herself, getting out of the bathroom and walking outside, to the living room where Daniel was standing rubbing his neck and looking around.

"This is bad" he said when he saw her joining him. There were empty beer bottles and cups all around the living room and balcony, pizza boxes (with half-eaten slices left behind) in the coffee table, party decorations hanging from the ceiling, and the kitchen was even worse, with liquid spilled on the ground and bottles everywhere. There was glitter all over the floor and the couch - someone had brought some of those party poppers, which looked so much fun yesterday, but no so much now. But the best part was the polaroids, left all over the house with the craziest poses.

"Pack your stuff, we're deserting this goddam hellhole" he said and she knew he was joking, he said that about everywhere, but she still shook her head and rolled her eyes, picking a polaroid photo from the ground.

"Everyone had so much fun" she showed it to him. "I loved meeting your friends"

He took the photo from her hand, it was one where (y/n) was sitting on the couch with two of his buddies from Australia, making funny faces while holding cups. He remembered the moment because he was the one who took the photo.

"How's the headache?" she asked him.

"Almost gone"

"Good. So you don't have an excuse. Move your ass, where are the trash bags?" she laughed going into the kitchen.

"Hey! That was very sneak of you" he laughed but followed her anyway.

They spent the next hour collecting bottles, vacuuming glitter, and just cleaning the whole house. Daniel complained the whole time, but in truth, he was very glad to have her there. Sure, he could just ignore the whole mess and hire someone on Monday to clean everything (he probably would still do that anyway, for the heavy cleaning like bathrooms), but it was really nice of her to just stick around, seeming unbothered by the housework. When she finished tying the last trash bag and putting it on the entry hallway she flopped on the couch besides Daniel, who had called it a day some good 10 minutes ago.

"Done?" he asked her.

"I feel like punching you for asking me that" she answered playing annoyed. He lifted his hand in defense.

"What? I did my part!"

"Men" she shook her head. "I'm surprised you haven't complained about being hungry yet"

"Well, I'm starving! Was just waiting to suggest going out, or ordering in"

"Ordering in, please. I don't want to get off this couch any time soon"

Daniel got his phone out to order some food. It was almost noon, so he thought about something like pasta, some carbs would be nice right now. Then he felt (y/n)'s head drop on his shoulder, her hand caressing his arm. It was such a sweet gesture, so understated, he just stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

"What?" she looked at him.

"I'm really glad you're here. Thank you"

"It's nothing" she smiled.

"I don't mean the cleaning. Well, that too. But just, thank you for being you and wanting to hang out with me, you know, after the party"

"I'll always wanna hang out with you, partying or cleaning bottles" she said and leaned in to kiss him. "Happy birthday old man" this made him smile through the kiss.

"Thank you, young lady" he said still smiling. "Let's feed you now, yeah?"

"Please! Let's get some carbs on this house!" she smile.

"Hey, guys!" (y/n) and Daniel looked up to see Luke, one of Daniel's buddies walking out of the guest bedroom.

"Dude! I didn't know you were here" Daniel laughed.

"Yeah, just woke up. Definitely wasn't hiding in the bedroom waiting for the cleaning end to get out" he grinned making (y/n) and Daniel laugh.

"You know what? Just for that, you're going downstairs to pick up the food when it gets here, and taking out the trash!" (y/n) teased him, tossing a pillow from the couch at him.

Daniel just observed while his friend and his girlfriend joked and laughed. He thought about how right now he was enjoying a feeling of contempt that wasn't really natural or much appreciated by professional athletes, but this time felt right to indulge in it. He felt safe like someone's got him, finally. He took (y/n) hand on his and squeezed it three times, he knew this was already a good thing, something to last. She looked at him, she knew exactly what he meant.

[hologramcowboy]

I've been reading everything you guys have been discussing on here the past few days and I had a thought. I'm going to play devil's advocate for a second.

When it comes to J and D, what if...

For the A Few Good Men play incident, not saying that didn't happen (that sounds very on brand for D tbh), but if J's mom really disliked D that much after it, would J still have gone ahead and married her? Not saying this doesn't happen in some cases but J appears to be very close to his mom and loves and respects both his parents, so if D really did things like that, would he still have gone ahead and married her? Especially if there's already some tension between D and Mrs. A?

Which brings me to the wedding incident. Many people get cold feet before the ceremony, that happens. It sometimes has to do with anxiety about the idea of making such a commitment, or the idea of marriage in general, or even about the ceremony itself (like the size of the crowd). Obviously I'm sure it wasn't the third option given what he does for a living. But if he really wasn't ready to settle down that tends to make sense, doesn't it? It may not necessarily have to do with D herself. Many people get cold feet but that doesn't mean they don't still love their SO. Many people stay in committed relationships and never get married because they don't like marriage or don't feel it's a necessary step to take, but they very much love their SO and want to be with them. So that might be the case when it comes to J and D?

Personally, I don't see them as being this over the moon happy, head over heels in love couple that AA's and D stans like to portray them as. I think they're very awkward in public and in PR, and the way they talk about each other sometimes, even in jest, is just so...I don't even know what the word is. Disrespectful? No, that's not it. But it just makes one cringe to hear it. Especially when it's like okay that was funny the first 30 times haha but uh now things are starting to get uncomfortable... Makes me wonder slightly at how things occur when the cameras aren't rolling and there's no one around to be performative for.

Which then, to me, makes anything he says that's meant to be complimentary of her appear as trying a bit too hard? Like the whole "sainthood status" and the posts where he gushes about what a giving and selfless person she is that you guys discussed.

The whole thing just appears to be very WEIRD. Especially when you compare their interactions and dynamic to other couples, like Jared and Gen, Misha and Vicky, Ryan and Blake (like another anon on here mentioned), John and Emily, Dan and Aja, Keith and Nicole, Ben and Jen, Tom and Rita, Nina and Shaun (or even Nina and Ian back in the day), Tom and Zendaya, RDJ and Susan, even Rob and Kristen (which may have been complete PR even before the cheating allegations, and it's Kristen who used to be one of the most awkward people alive, but still you felt the chemistry in their interviews together), I mean the list could go on and on and on and on. Jenneel just screams awkward and standoffish. The only time I felt D herself and they as a couple were relatable was during the Jewel livestream. Every other interaction has been super cringe-inducing. And the way she reacts when people doubt her relationship or hate on it or don't go along with the whole 'they are the most perfect couple' mantra (or really more a sales pitch), or someone suggests that maybe J could do better or maybe they aren't as happy as they bend over backwards trying to appear to be, she has a meltdown and attacks. You won't see Blake or Emily or Nicole or Rita or any other "celebrity wife" of that caliber doing that. I'm sure the amount of hate she gets is beyond anything we can imagine and it does wear and tear after a while no matter who you are or how unaffected you think you are (if you're reading it constantly I mean) but why not make it a point to ignore it? Or hire someone to run your sm accounts for you so you don't have to see that?

Anyways, the whole reason I'm mentioning these things and I apologize, I'm sure my thoughts are all jumbled, is because I'm curious to know what your thoughts are on the two incidents in question possibly being explained away as either hyped up fandom drama (for the play) or as rational explanations (for the cold feet). I'm fascinated to know what you and your followers think. Like another anon said, please keep posting. We definitely need your perspective when it comes to these fandom waters as well as when it comes to having a comfortable place to share their thoughts where they won't get attacked if they're not in line with the whole AA and D stan propaganda. So please keep doing what you do. ❤

Your thoughts came through very clear. I remember the theater conflict post and it had photo evidence. It also matches Elta's ammo, if you look at the interview where she is condescending and some comments she made at conventions, including the signed pictures that said "He's mine b*****" along with her online bullying, mobbing threats and other outbursts, it's clear her character is what it is and whilst I am aware a lot of people love to make up stuff, I do think there's some truth to Jensen's mother not approving of Danneel. He's been quite distant from his family ever since he married her. I love to look at actions rather than words. Because anyone can say anything to sell something, Jensen may "promote" Elta but look at how he actually reacts body language wise. Even in the live you described, where she spoke about mental issues, she was saying what people wanted to hear and you could see Jensen was full of tension. Besides they even admitted they didn't like being around the kids, basically. They both had a lot of tension and Danneel tends to idealize herself and just say what she thinks the crowd wants to hear that will make her look good. She believes herself to be very sly while doing this but she's extremely bad at it and it all comes off inauthentic, there's a reason magazines or designers aren't knocking on her door despite her desperate woke attempts.

As for his wedding, I know people who were present there because they were a part of the press attending the event, I can tell you their impressions were not good. You can read up articles that came out back then and you will get a sense of how empty the reporting was, then look at other wedding reports from the same magazines and you will see the difference. If you look at the photos you can see how staged everything looks, unnatural, disconnected, in most pictures people aren't even focused on the bride and groom. Besides the fact that she had the pictures so airbrushed Jensen no longer had facial structure because she wanted to look good, there's nothing truly captivating about their wedding. Jensen looks inebriated in most pictures and worried in others. The ones were he is posing were so retouched he looks like a wax figure. Cold feet can happen but when so many details point to an arrangement marriage, the whole wedding was like a show for the press, a PR move and once they got married they went to the Upfronts instead of honeymooning. That's not a couple that is in love, it's a couple that is dealing with business as scheduled. Like you so beautifully analyzed, they try hard to sell the 'they are the most perfect couple' mantra which is a sales pitch but it doesn't match their actual profiles, it's how they want to come off to their buyers, their buyers being directors, main media, casting directors, etc. but without backing that up with consistent branding and authentic actions, they seem to be one of the only couples who comes off inauthentic, raises suspicions from all sides fandom and industry. Hence not that many sponsorships, editorials, coverage, etc because when they do make social attempts they crash and burn in part due to lack of training in their field, in part due to the tension they exude that is so far from positive it raises deeper questions. Either way, they fail to captivate an audience outside of the obsessed stans who love Danneel simply because she is married to Jensen. Now, this is just my perspective, of course, but I think they need to stop trying to be what they are not. They will never be the golden couple, it's not their brand and it will never be their type because their connection is devoid of the essence that makes a couple truly special. It's a lot like a regular player trying to pass for Michael Jordan. They can self praise and put on a show all they want but all it does is alienate the press and make people wonder if they are disconnected from the social scene and can't read how they come off. Their last attempts have been to look relatable while also being condescending, that alienates both press and public and it shows they truly have no clue what they are doing, they are riding on entitlement and nothing more, sadly. It's kinda like when there are actual Leading Men and Women but other Actors who don't fit that type (so for example, The Bitch, The Geek, The Villain, etc e.g. imagine Danny Trejo trying to pass for Brad Pitt lol) try to force themselves into it and sell themselves as such, it ends up sabotaging their trajectory and they lose credibility. Jensen and Danneel will never be the leading power couple because they lack all the required "components" and, most of all, they lack connection and authenticity. I am glad you recognize that they are selling a profile so you are not blind to how showbiz works. It's a lot like politics, theirs is a strategy except they are in the wrong category trying to compete for a spot that isn't meant for them. Looking forward to seeing if anyone else wants to chime in. Thank you for the beautiful post and for your kind thoughts. ❤ Disclaimer: I know my perceptions can be harsh due to being straight and to the point so take what resonates and please ignore the rest.

[paraemu]

From Toei Hero MAX 57

Parad and Poppy were the main characters in the second part of the trilogy, which was the most flexible in terms of content. Kai and Matsuda's bugster team looks back on their activities in V-Cinema, which were in a sense the same as usual, or even more outrageous than usual!

A different kind of competition realized in a compilation trilogy

本作「仮面ライダーパラドクスwithポッピー」はタイトル通り、お二人が主役。初の大役を務められていかがでした？

Interviewer: As the title suggests, the two of you play the main roles in this film, "Kamen Rider ParaDX with Poppy". How was it for you to play your first major role?

僕の意識としては、ただパラドを演じただけなので、特別感は特にないんですよね。なんというか、これまで通り「エグゼイド」という作品で演じていたら、結果的にパラドが真ん中にいたって感じ。主役の自分がなんとかしなきや、みたいな気持ちもまったくなかったですからね。

Kai: As far as I'm concerned, I just played Parad, so I don't really have any special feeling. I was just playing the role of "Ex-Aid" as I always have, and as a result, Parad was right in the middle. I didn't feel like I had to do anything as the main character at all.

そうだよね。ずっとポッピーとパラドとして生活していたら、たまたまカメラがこっちを向いてて、いつのまにか作品になってた。感覚としてはそういう感じに近いような気がします(笑)。

Matsuda: That's right. We've been living as Poppy and Parad for a long time, and the camera just happened to be looking at me, and before I knew it, I was making art. I think that's how I feel about it (laughs).

申斐さんは、本作で新たに登場するブラックパラドとの一人ニ役にも挑戦されています。

Interviewer: Kai-san is also taking on the challenge of playing two roles with Black Parad, a new character in this work.

クランクインの当日とかはけっこう大変だった記憶がありますね。同じカットに2人とも映るシーンは、まずパラドで撮って、そのままカメラを固定して、ブラーックパラドに着替えてから、今度は反対側に立って…..というのをやらなきゃいけなくて。たぶん、あの日だけで4回ぐらいは入れかわったんじゃないかな。

Kai: I remember it was quite difficult on the day of the crank-in. For the scene where both of us are in the same shot, we had to shoot in Parad, hold the camera in place, change into Black Parad, and then stand on the other side of the screen and shoot... I had to do this. I think we probably switched around four times that day alone.

ブラックパラドは見た目がほとんど変わらないから難しそうだよね。ポッピーと明日那の場合は、見た目も声も喋る言葉尻も全然違うから、同じこと言ってても別人に見えるけど。

Matsuda: Black Parad is going to be difficult because he looks almost the same. In the case of Poppy and Asuna, they look, sound and speak very differently, so they look like different people even though they say the same things.

それはそうかも。演技だけでまったく違うキャラの人物に見せるというのがいかに難しいかは、今回初めて実感したかな。飛彩（瀬戸利樹）が劇場版 (「仮面ライダー×スーパー戦隊超スーパーヒーロー大戦」) で二役をやってた一ときも「大変そうだなぁ」と思って見てはいたけど (笑)。

Kai: That may be true. I think this is the first time I realized how difficult it is to make a character look completely different just by acting. When Seto Toshiki was playing two roles in the movie version ("Kamen Rider x Super Sentai: Chou Super Hero Taisen"), I thought "That looks like a lot of work." (laughs).

衣裳チェンジという部分では、"ポッピーの七変化" も本作の見どころのひとつですよね？

Interviewer: In terms of costume changes, the "seven changes of Poppy" is one of the highlights of the film, isn't it?

みなさんにそう言っていただくんですけど、私自身はこの1年半ずっとコスプレをしてきたようなものなので、コスプレをするってことに対する特別感がわりと携れちゃっていて.....。ちょっとバグってます (笑)。

Matsuda: That's what everyone tells me, but I've been cosplaying for the past year and a half, so my sense of specialness about cosplaying is rather gone... It's a little buggy (laughs).

もはやあれが私服と。

Kai: That's no longer what I call casual wear.

そうだね。ウェディングドレスも……おめでたい私服 (笑)。

Matsuda: That's right. The wedding dress is also... an outfit for special occasions (lol).

ヲタ芸もやってたよね？

Kai: You also did some wotagei, right?

やったねえ。鈴村監督から、着替えるたびに「ひと言なんか言って、なんかやって」って言われて、全部アドリブでやったんですけど、そのひとつがヲタ芸で (笑)。最初は「アイドルっぼいことを」ってオーダーだったんだけど、なんか違うことをしたかったから、監督と相談して「アイドルカルチャーとはこういうものだって勝手に勘違いしてるポッピー」という設定でやったんです。でも、ちょっと激しくやりすぎて、今回の「トリロジー」に携わってないスタッフさんのなかには別人がやってると思った人もいたみたいですけどね。

Matsuda: I did. Director Suzumura asked me to "say something, do something" every time I changed clothes, so I improvised everything, and one of the things I did was wotagei (laughs). At first the order was to do something idol-like, but we wanted to do something different, so we talked with the director and decided to do it as "Poppy, who mistakenly believes that this is what idol culture is all about". But it was a bit too intense, and some of the staff who weren't involved in the "Trilogy" seemed to think that someone else was doing it.

さすがにヲタ芸にまで吹き替えは使わないよね(笑)。アクションじゃないんだから。ってか、途中で「松田るか」も出てきてなかった？観てて「あれっ？ポッピー?」って思ったよ。

Kai: You're right, they don't use dubbing even for wotagei (laughs). It's not an action movie. I mean, didn't "Matsuda Ruka" appear in the middle of the movie? When I was watching it, I was like "Huh? Where's Poppy?"

出てたね。あそこは思わず素が出ちゃって....(笑)。

Matsuda: You were in it. I couldn't help but show my true colors there.... (laughs).

明かされる衝撃の真実そのとき演者たちは?

The Shocking Truth Revealed: What Will Happen to the Actors?

一方、今回のトリロジーではこれまで語られたことのなかった新たな過去も明かされます。

Interviewer: On the other hand, this trilogy will also reveal a new past that has never been told before.

ブラックパラドが何者か？というのもそうだし、ポッピーの一宿主である櫻子さんが顔出しするのも今回が初めてだよね。

Kai: Who is Black Parad? This is also the first time that Sakurako-san, Poppy's host, shows her face.

これがすごくキレイな人でね。なんでこの人はクロノス（＝檀正宗）みたいな人と結婚したんだろう、と改めて疑問に思いましたよ、私は。

Matsuda: She was a very beautiful woman. I wondered again why she married someone like Dan Masamune.

美人で俺もビックリした。こんな人からどうしたら黎斗ができるんだって。

Kai: She was so beautiful that I was surprised too. I wondered how such a person could give birth to Kuroto.

いや、クロノスと結婚したら黎斗は産まれちゃうよ (笑)。まあ、あったんでしょうね。きっとお父さんにもいいところが。

Matsuda: No, if you marry Cronus, Kuroto will be born (laughs). Well, there must've been a reason. I'm sure the father had his good points.

もとをただせば、正宗と櫻子さんが結婚したことが「エグゼイド」のすべての始まりだったということなんだよね。

Kai: To put it simply, Masamune and Sakurako's marriage was the beginning of all of "Ex-Aid."

どこに惚れたのかっていう最大の謎は、トリロジーでも結局謎のままだけど (笑)。

Matsuda: The biggest mystery of what made her fall in love with him remains a mystery even in the trilogy (laughs).

テレビシリーズでもあとから明かされた“新事実、はいくつかありましたが、演じる側としてはやはり戸惑いもありますか？

Interviewer: In the TV series, there were some new facts that were revealed later, but as a performer, did you feel confused?

ありますね。パラドに関して言えば、「最終的に人間の味方につく」という設定は、正直あとから知ったんで、「えっ？どうしよ!」とはなりました。最初のほうの取材とかでは、普通に「悪役のまま終わりたい」って答えてたぐらい、僕自身は悪役をまっとうするつもりでいましたから。

Kai: Yes, I did. To be honest, I didn't know Parad would end up on the side of the humans until later, so I thought "What? What should I do?". In the first interview, I said that I wanted to end up as a villain, and I was planning to play a villain until the end.

私も本編のほうで「私、黎斗の母親だったんだ！」って知ったときは衝撃だったな。あれを最初から知っていれば、たぶん接し方も変わってたはずなので、「教えといてよー」と思ったもん。

Matsuda: I was also shocked when I found out in the show that I was Kuroto's mother! If I had known that from the beginning, I probably would have treated him differently, so I thought, "Why didn't you tell me?"

でも、きっとそれがいいんだよね。知らずにいることでいつのまにか役作りをさせられてる。僕が人間側につくのを知ってたら、グラファイトとの距離感とかも絶対ヘンになってたと思うもん。急にそういう台本を渡されて、自分の感情が追いつかなくなるというのがパラドにとっても逆によかった。リアルに窮地に立たされてる感じがさ。

Kai: But I'm sure it's for the best. By being unaware of it, I'm somehow forced to create the role. If I had known that I was going to be on the human side, the distance between me and Graphite would have been weird for sure. It was good for Parad that he was suddenly given such a script and that his emotions couldn't keep up. He felt like he was in a real predicament.

東映さんの作品はそういうところがあるみたいだもんね (笑)。『シンケンジャー』のときも、松坂桃李さん自身は「実は影武者」という設定をギリギリまで知らされてなかったんだって。演じるほうとしては最初から言っててほしいけど、そのあたりが難しさであり、面白さでもあるのかなって。

Matsuda: That seems to be the case with Toei's films (laughs). For "Shinkenger," Tori Matsuzaka himself wasn't told that he was actually a shadow warrior until the very last minute. As a performer, I wish I would have been told from the beginning, but I think that's both the difficulty and the fun of it.

そうだね。パラドが永夢に感染したバクスターだというのも最初は僕だけが知ってて、飯島くん本人は実��教えてもらってなかったし……。永夢の瞳が赤くなったときは絶対パラドが近くにいるとか、そういう匂わせはたくさんあったけど。

Kai: That's right. At first, I was the only one who knew that Parad was the Bugster who infected Emu, and Iijima-kun himself wasn't told about it. There were a lot of hints that Parad was definitely nearby when Emu's eyes turned red.

うんうん。だから「エグゼイド」も2ラウンド目が面白いんだよね。いろいろわかったうえで観ると、「そういうことか！」ってさらに楽しめるし。

Matsuda: Yeah, yeah. That's why the second half of "Ex-Aid" is so interesting, isn't it? If you watch it after you understand everything, you can enjoy it even more.

信頼しあえる関係性

A relationship of mutual trust

トリロジー全作を手がける鈴村監督の現場はどうでした？

Interviewer: How was it working with director Suzumura, who is working on the entire trilogy?

かなり自由にやらせてもら雰囲気でやれたかなってえましたね。 監督自身がすごく柔らかくて器の大きい方だから、周りも切羽詰まったりせずに、いい雰囲気でやれたかなって。

Kai: The director himself is very soft and big-hearted, so the people around him didn't feel pressured, and we were able to do it in a good atmosphere.

うん。よくご飯にも誘ってくれたしね。監督がそうやって気さくに接してくれるからこそ、距離感もほどよく縮まって、現場でも「コレ、こうしたいんです」って気負わずに言える空気感ができてた感じ。私のなかではすっかり焼酎ばかり飲んでる人というイメージだったりもしますけど (笑)。

Matsuda: Yeah. He often invited me out to dinner, too. Because the director was so open with me, we were able to close the distance between us, and I felt like I could say, "This is what I want to do," without feeling self-conscious. In my mind, he has the image of someone who drinks only shochu (laughs).

演出プランは当然、監督のなかにもあるはずなのに、芝居をつけてる段階で僕らが別のアイデアを出すと、決まって「じゃあ、そうしようよ」って言ってくれる。そうやって積極的に採用してもらえたら、こっちも一生懸命考えようって気持ちになるし、それはすごくよかったなって思います。自分の発想力みたいなものも否応なしに鍛えられましたしね。

Kai: Naturally, the director has a plan for the direction of the film, but when we came up with a different idea during the play, he would always say, "Well, let's do that". I think it's great that the director is willing to adopt our ideas, because it encourages us to think harder. I think that was really good. I was also able to develop my ability to think out of the box.

しかも、周りにはずっと一緒に走ってこられた同世代の役者陣。もはや鬼に金棒ですね。

Interviewer: In addition, he was surrounded by actors of the same generation who had been running together for a long time. It's like the devil's advocate.

みんな、ホントに仲よかったよね。人数が多いと自然とグルーブに分かれたりもしがちですけど、「エグゼイド」に関してはそういうこともまったくなくて。

Matsuda: We all get along really well. When there are a lot of people in a group, it tends to naturally divide into different groups, but that didn't happen at all with "Ex-Aid".

うん。個人的にも、みんなで笑い合えて、楽しく仕事ができる現場が一番いい。そういう意味でも、オンとオフのメリハリがつけられるメンバーばかりだったのはよかったなって。

Kai: Yeah. Personally, I think it's best to work in a place where everyone can laugh together and have fun. In that sense, I'm glad that all the members were able to have a good balance between on and off work.

お二人の信頼関係は？

Interviewer: How is the relationship of trust between the two of you?

バッチリですよ。私が右なら、彼は左に行くので (笑)。

Matsuda: It's perfect. If I go right, he goes left (laughs).

そうかな？でも、確かに違うことをしたがるかも。同じ方向向いてって言われても、素直にできないし (笑)。というか、そっちも "おしゃべりクソマシンガン" って言われてたじゃん。

Kai: Is that so? But I think we may want to do different things. Even if you ask me to look in the same direction, I can't do it honestly (laughs). I mean, you've been called a "shitty talking machine gun" too.

"クソ" じゃないよ、"サブ" だよ (笑)。なんだろ？私がバーッとひとしきり喋って、横から彼一がポロッと鋭いことを言うみたいな、そういう流れは現場でもありましたね。

Matsuda: It's not "shitty", it's "sub." (laughs) What is it? There were times when I would talk a lot, and then he would say something sharp from the side.

でも、おかしいことは言ってなかったでしょ？ちゃんと事実を言ってただけで。

Kai: But I didn't say anything funny, did I? I was just telling the truth.

大人はみんな知らんぶりして目を課るようなことをあえて言うんですよ、彼は。

Matsuda: He dares to say things that all adults pretend not to know and avert their eyes on.

そういうのすごい嫌いなの。日本人はなんですぐ "付度" するのかなって思っちゃう。あんな言葉、英語にはないからね?

Kai: I really dislike that kind of thing. I wonder why Japanese people are so quick to use "tsukedo". There is no such word in English, right?

はいはい (笑)。

Matsuda: Yes, yes (laughs).

では、お二人の関係性が十分伝わったところで、これから作品を観る読者にメッセージを。

Interviewer: Now that we have a good sense of the relationship between the two of you, do you have a message for the readers who will be watching the film?

夕陽に照らされたパラドクスとポッピーのポスタービジュアルを鵜呑みにすると痛い目を見ますってことは言っておきたいかな。

Matsuda: I guess I'd like to say that if you believe the poster visual of Parad and Poppy in the evening sun, you're in for a world of hurt.

あれはちょっと、謎のタイタニック感があるからね。

Kai: That one has a bit of a mysterious Titanic feel to it.

二人が出るってことしか合ってない (笑)。ただ、「ブレイブ＆スナイプ」も「ゲンムVSレーザー」もわりと重いし、「パラドクスwithポッピー」は箸休め回だと思って身構えずに観てほしいな、とは思うよね。

Matsuda: The only thing that fits is that the two of them are in it (laughs). However, both "Brave and Snipe" and "Genm vs. Lazer" are rather heavy, so I hope people will think of "ParaDX with Poppy" as a chopstick rest and watch it without getting defensive.

そうだね。3部作だと1本目は掴んで3本目は落とさなきゃいけないけど、それがない2本目は何でもできる。そういう自由度の高さはよかったよね。

Kai: Yes, in a trilogy, you have to grab the first one and drop the third one, but in the second one you can do anything. It was nice to have that kind of freedom, wasn't it?

監督のフェティシズムも一番詰まってる作品だしね (笑)。

Matsuda: It's also the film that contains the most of the director's fetishism (laughs).

ちなみに、パラドとポッピーを演じてきて、ー番「心が躍るな」と思った瞬間は？

Interviewer: By the way, what was the most "exciting" moment for you while playing Parad and Poppy?

うーん。たくさんありすぎてひとつには紋れないですね。今回で言えば、ポッピーじゃなく「松田るか」として主題歌を唄わせてもらえたのは「躍った」かな。

Matsuda: Hmmm. There are so many that I can't pick just one. In this case, I was able to sing the theme song not as Poppy, but as Matsuda Ruka, and I think that made me "jump".

僕は初めてナパームを見たときかな。あの大爆発には童心が騒ぎましたね。あと、これは余談ですけど、僕、クランクアップのときに現場に放置されたんです。

Kai: I think it was the first time I saw napalm. That huge explosion made me feel like a child. Also, this is an aside, but I was left unattended at the scene when the filming had wrapped up.

置いてかれてた (笑)。

Matsuda: You were left behind (laughs).

花束をもらって、せっかくだからって自撮りをしていて、「よし帰ろう」と外に出たらロケバスがもう出ていて…..。1年半を演じ終えた役者に対する「心震える」仕打ちとして、このことはぜひとも太字にして語り継がれてほしいと思います (笑)。

Kai: I got a bouquet of flowers and was taking selfies for the occasion, and when I went outside to go home, the location bus had already left... I hope this will be bolded and passed down as a "heart-breaking" treatment to the actors after a year and a half of acting (laughs).From Toei Hero MAX 57

[terrainofheartfelt]

The Derena Breakup(s) Album, A Playlist

was going through it a couple weeks ago, apparently, so I made this playlist. It is very sad. I've no excuse. idk I think I'm most drawn to the tragedy of them? I guess? anyways: Here is the youtube link.

image sources: (X)(X)(X)

track listing & color commentary under the cut:

Little Bit of Love - Kesha We begin our journey in the last handful of episodes of season 1. Desperately Seeking Serena vibes.

Babe, I know that's it's late, I know that I'm drunk / I haven't had a night like this in months

Into Your Arms - The Maine I'm fallin' in love / But it's fallin' apart

I Need My Girl - The National Surface level it’s a love song, but it sounds so...sad.

There's some things that I should never / Laugh about in front of family / I tried to call you from the party / It's full of punks and cannonballers

Plain Sailing Weather - Frank Turner I titled this thing “derena sads” in my spotify library, and this is why. This song is just, ugh, the foyer scene in 1x17. Very few lyrics make me lose my mind as much as the bridge of this song:

Of laying down the bare facts / Like a burden I can't bear / And I can almost find the words / But I can see the way you'd /Fold your hands, speak my name like a curse upon your pretty lips / The pressured white behind your fingertips

Yesterday - The Beatles Love was such an easy game to play / Now I need a place to hide away

Songs for Teenagers - as done by The Gaslight Anthem It's a shame, all the ways we build ourselves up / Just to let each other down

Let It Go - James Bay When we're becoming something else / I think it's time to walk away

The Scientist - Coldplay Very cliche of me I know, but it’s my playlist I do what I want

Questions of science, science and progress / Do not speak as loud as my heart

The Harold Song - Kesha Apart from being an absolute banger, this is Extra in that teen first breakup kinda way

Young love murder, that is what this must be

Bruised - Jack’s Mannequin It’s just because it’s mutual doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. Maybe the context isn’t directly relatable, but the emotion definitely is

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes / That I am not there / I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this / Like every inch of me is bruised

drivers license - Olivia Rodrigo Do you - do you think Dan helped Serena practice for her drivers exam (bc Lily wouldn’t) or are you normal?

I know we weren't perfect / But I've never felt this way for no one / And I just can't imagine / How you could be so okay now that I'm gone

Good in Bed - Dua Lipa Obligatory song for the Hamptons and post-Hamptons summer hookups: "You sure that's your heart you're following?"

In the long nights where we did everything but talk it through

Yeah, we don't know how to talk / But damn, we know how to fuck

Come Under the Covers - Walk the Moon The realizing that they’re not going to last past the summer. The elevator break-up.

(Summer is over) / And I can feel the cold changing us inside

The Moon She Has a Jealous Eye - J. Small “I still -” / “I know” are we having fun yet?

How are you supposed to act in these sorts of situations? / The truth is / Tears and hysterics would feel more humane

Uncharted - Sara Bareilles That uncertainty before the first day of school bc they have literally no idea of how to be exes

This is no broken heart / No familiar scars / This territory goes uncharted

Left Handed Kisses - Andrew Bird feat. Fiona Apple they are BAD at being exes

The point your song here misses / Is that if you really loved me / You'd risk more than a few 50 cent / Words in your backhanded love song

Reminder - Mumford & Sons I wasn’t sure how to describe this for a while bc it was just a vibe but oh wait, it’s 2x13

So watch the world tear us apart / A stoic mind and bleeding heart / You never see my bleeding heart

Love on the Rocks - Sara Bareilles s2b weirdness

Here's a simplification of everything we're going through / You plus me is bad news

I Don’t Want to Know - Fleetwood Mac I don't want to stand between you and love / Honey, I just want you to feel fine

Breaking Up Slowly - Lana del Rey It's hard to bе lonely, but it's the right thing to do

April Come She Will - Simon & Garfunkel This playlist came to be bc this song came over my shuffle and it sent me into a Derena Sads spiral. Whoops.

A love once new has now grown old

The Last Time (Taylor’s Version) - tswift feat. Gary Lightbody the backslide ballad. obviously Serena is Gary’s voice and Dan is Taylor’s

And you open your eyes into mine / And everything feels better … You wear your best apology / But I was there to watch you leave

champagne problems - tswift Apart from the lyrics below, the imagery of the chorus reminds me of the sudsnewsletter analysis that talks about how Serena is always elevated above Dan on the staircase, never coming down to him. Idk.

"She would've made such a lovely bride / What a shame she's fucked in the head," they said / But you'll find the real thing instead / She'll patch up your tapestry that I shred

Tell Tale Signs - Frank Turner This track is the reason I’m tagging this post with a self-harm mention warning. Skip it if you need to. Big sads indeed. Y’all knew what this was

You will always be a part / Of my patched up, patchwork, taped up, tape deck heart

coney island - tswift feat. The National I have many feelings about dan humphrey singing with that Matt Berninger vocal fry…

And do you miss the rogue / Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? / Will you forgive my soul / When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care?

Nobody Wins - Brian Fallon I guess we’re never gonna end up the lucky ones

Old Flames - Frank Turner feat. Billy the Kid They’re really bad at being exes.

But do you remember back when we were young and unformed? / It was all so much easier to give of yourself, to fall in love

Poetry by Dead Men - Sara Bareilles Line after line, the words just left to remind / The two of us, oh, what we could have been / Poetry by dead men

This Colourless Role - Susan O’Neill it's a little bit... "you were the love of my life, Dan. I just thought I was yours." but like, Dan POV

You like what is black / I what is white / Somewhere in the middle / The gray part feels right

I’ve lost my mind / but you / still think we shine

First Love - Adele Forgive me, first love, but I'm too tired

Planets of the Universe - Fleetwood Mac I will never love again the way I loved you / You will never rule again the way you've ruled

It’s Too Late - Carole King There'll be good times again for me and you / But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it, too / Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you

The Conversation - Motion City Soundtrack I had a pocket full of dreams / But I gave them all to you / Now I think I want them back

Stomach - Aly & AJ I just can't stomach being your ex-wife / All these memories, they don't feel like mine

21 Days - Brian Fallon Call it breaking a habit / Call it falling out of love

Clean - as performed by Sara Bareilles let’s just extend that metaphor from the last song shall we? With Sara, because she’s just a better vocalist.

The drought was the very worst / When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

happiness - tswift the! fitzgerald! references! Also: dappled with the flickers of light from the dress I wore at midnight - !!! literally the cotillion dress!

All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness / You haven't met the new me yet / And I think she'll give you that

[animeyanderelover]

I've looked through your "sharing a darling" post and I've been inspired. I'd love to see Tsunade with a darling, who's Orochimaru's little sister. I imagine she and Tsuna probably were friends before she deserted the village with Orochi. And when she's nowhere near as heartless as Orochi, she's a morally-gray type of person. [With romantic yandere!Tsunade + platonic!yandere Orochimaru]

I’m glad you got inspired by my post☺️.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, paranoia, violence

Darling is Orochimaru’s little sister

🐍🐌We’ve often talked about this, but Orochimaru has a weird way of showing his care, especially if it comes to persons he’s obsessed with. If you would be a test object he would most likely show genuine interest in you because you’re very useful. But how does this work when you’re his sister? It’s suspected that a part of why Orochimaru became the way he is like he is because he wanted to leave the painful memories of the past behind, including the death of his parents. So you were the only family he had left.

🐍🐌His way of caring showed himself from a very young age on with wanting you to get stronger. Orochimaru has a dislike for the fragility of life and it’s most likely that you and him shared more or less the same interest in kinjutsu. I can’t say that you had the same obsession as him with it, but you just tagged along with him.

🐍🐌Since Tsunade and Orochimaru were on the same team it was understandable that you were friends with them. Jiraiya was probably the guy who often asked you out on dates and made some less appropriate comments about you, earning a hit on the head from Tsunade and a unnerving look from Orochimaru. Tsunade was most likely friends with you because you were the only other girl from the three.

🐍🐌At the beginning it was just a friendship, a strong one. Tsunade was often a bit worried about you, knowing how twisted Orochimaru could be. You never minded, being used to all of this since you had grown up with him together.

🐍🐌Tsunade started becoming a tad more clingy and overprotective after Nawaki had died. It was somewhat of the beginning of her Yandere tendencies and it stayed that way even after she had got to know Dan. You often visited with her together Nawaki’s grave and showed him respect for his actions. But you were glad that Tsunade had found someone else who made her happy since you had suffered with her after the death of her brother. Because despite being slightly influenced from Orochimaru’s twisted personality you had always been the one who had cared more and showed it more.

🐍🐌Somehow I think after Dan died as well and you were again there to comfort Tsunade you somehow started to see things a bit more from Orochimaru’s side, understanding why he loathed the fragility of life. Because humans were so delicate that you could lose them at any moment. I would even go as far that Tsunade’s devastation over Nawaki and Dan left a huge impact on you and led you to becoming who you were.

🐍🐌Tsunade was at first most likely only a platonic Yandere for you, still seeing you as her best friend. She became incredibly clingy and overprotective and also started greatly disliking your brother. Why? Because Orochimaru gave off the feeling that you didn’t mean anything to him and he wouldn’t even be sad if you would die. He hadn’t looked affected when Nawaki had died and he hadn’t looked really affected when Dan had died. So it was no wonder that Tsunade was terrified of losing you as well and needing to see how not even you as Orochimaru’s sister would lead him to show any sorrow.

🐍🐌It was at the beginning just the genuine desire to keep you safe and alive. But with time it turned into something more intense for Tsunade. The knowledge that she could lose the person who had been always there for you made her go almost crazy. She might not even have realized when exactly it had happened. But one day you just gave her a warm smile...And Tsunade felt her heart speeding up in her chest rapidly and butterflies erupting from the pit of her stomach.

🐍🐌Orochimaru watched all of this with narrowed eyes, the way how Tsunade started clinging onto you tightly and the way she looked at you. It didn’t matter to him that Tsunade deserved happiness after everything that had happened to her. He didn’t want you to become weak by becoming too sentimental which you obviously were. It wasn’t like you had already changed a lot because of him, your view of the world having become slightly distorted because of his influence and the still fresh memory of Tsunade mourning over her brother and her lover. And I bet Orochimaru used that to control you a bit more.

🐍🐌Tsunade on the other hand worried because she noticed clearly how much you had changed in those last years and she knew too well who the culprit was. So she tried to keep you away from Orochimaru by often going out with you and asking you to spend time with him. And this didn’t suit with Orochimaru who would have preferred to continue training and experimenting with you.

🐍🐌It was most likely out of loyalty and own belief that you decided to follow Orochimaru into exile, some of his beliefs having influenced you as well. And Tsunade was once again completely devastated for losing another precious person to her, asking herself what she had done so terribly wrong in life to lose everyone she seemed to love.

🐍🐌Being Orochimaru’s sister and most likely on the same level of strength as him made you very respected and worshipped by his underlings like Kabuto and Kimimaro. And despite searching with him for a way to gain complete immortality You never agreed with his opinions all the time, disliking the way he treated others. You were somewhat of a mother figure for many people under him and were even known to forgive people different than Orochimaru. And Orochimaru didn’t really like this, fearing that your softness would be one day your death sentence. Orochimaru isn’t the type to start a fight over this, at least not in the classic sense. But he would cruelly tease your weak spots to get a reaction out of you and to try to reason with you that being so soft wouldn’t bring you anywhere.

🐍🐌I guess that Tsunade’s heart broke even more after hearing what you were doing, experimenting on people to gain immortality. She blamed herself for this, feeling like she should have ripped you away from your brother’s tight grip sooner since he had been the one who had corrupted you like this.

🐍🐌Tsunade met you most likely again whilst Naruto and Jiraiya were searching for her to convince her to become the fifth Hokage. She was already pissed enough at Orochimaru, never having forgiven him for ruining you like this. But she was also scared when seeing you again, freezing at first. She just really hoped that there was still some part of the old you left and not having become as cruel and heartless as Orochimaru had. You were also shocked to see her again, feeling a bit conflicted about how to face her after all those years again.

🐍🐌During the fight of the three you didn’t really participate, watching more from a distance. Not because you were lazy, but because you and Orochimaru knew that you might switch sides during the battle. Because you still cared. Tsunade was still your friend. So when Orochimaru wanted to kill Naruto and Tsunade kept sacrificing herself you would have lied if you would have said that you didn’t care. Instead you might have even tried to stop Orochimaru from completely killing her, that was at least until she released her jutsu and showed what she was capable off.

🐍🐌Different from Orochimaru you also never disliked Naruto and saw him as a poor excuse. You saw potential and passion in him, reminding you of Nawaki. That’s why you wanted to keep him alive. Because he had helped Tsunade out of her misery. And you were proud of her when she officially became Hokage, sending a anonymous gift and a small letter in which you congratulated her and told her how happy you were for her. And Tsunade knew too well who had sent her this.

🐍🐌I feel like after Sasuke joined Orochimaru you might have even gone as far as sometimes giving the village hints about his development without anyone finding out. And whenever such small notes received in the village, dropping hints about current whereabouts or informations about possible future plans from Orochimaru Tsunade always felt hopeful and encouraged that the old You was still there, that you weren’t completely possessed by evil like your older brother was.

🐍🐌I feel like you traveled back to the village after Sasuke killed Orichimaru. You had no reason to stay after all. And for someone who was known as an S-rated criminal you came over pretty calm when suddenly appearing in front of the gates of your old village. And best belief that when Tsunade Heard- that you were back, she completely lost it and instantly stormed towards you, not knowing whether to yell at you for doing such terrible things to her and other people or cry and suffocate you in a hug out of relief. In the end it became a mix made out of both.

🐍🐌You were taken under custody back into the village, your reputation being a bit saved because of all the small hints you had given them through the years. That and the fact that you answered all questions honestly have some ninjas troubles to judge you rightfully, not knowing whether to think of you as a good or bad person. On the one hand you had experimented on others, you had used the same jutsu as Orochimaru to reach immortality and many other things. But on the other hand there were countless tellings and rumors from many places and people that you had freed them out of Orochimaru’s grip or had even helped villages in need on your journeys. That made it somewhat troublesome whether to decide if you belonged in prison or not.

🐍🐌In the end it was decided to not send you into prison, mainly because Tsunade had insisted on it, but also because many had agreed that you had done many good things after all and had come back on your own free will, not to mention that you had told them everything they had wanted and needed answers for for so long. But you were kept under very tight custody, a few Anbu members always watching you.

🐍🐌Shizune knew from Tsunade’s love for you, having witnessed many times how Tsunade had started becoming very talkative about you after a few or many bottles of sake and knew that Tsunade had still feelings for you. And she advices to not risk anything with you, they still didn’t know whether you were on their side or not. Tsunade didn’t want to hear this, but not because she believed that Shizune was wrong, but because she knew that Shizune might be right.

🐍🐌She often came visiting you, wanting to at least talk to you and know why you had done this. Why you had left her. Why you had decided to tag along with Orochimaru. Why you had done all those terrible things and still so much good stuff at the same time. What were your motives?

🐍🐌I feel like Tsunade would be able to start a normal relationship with you after the war and after Orochimaru was reincarnated. Because the main problem before had been that people had, when looking at you, only been able to see Orochimaru. A cruel and sadistic criminal. But for whatever reason Orochimaru had been forgiven after the shinobi war and Tsunade also retired more or less since Kakashi became the sixth Hokage shortly after the war ended. There will be some tension between her and Orochimaru after that, especially since Tsunade still blames Orochimaru for corrupting you like this. Orochimaru wouldn’t be too happy either, but surprisingly he’s more okay than Tsunade with this since he doesn’t hold that much of a personal grudge against her like she does. He did become better after the war and was more accepting with it. As long as you don’t become a weakling that is, power is still a thing and will always be a thing for him.

[jestbee]

Hey :) I just listened a podfic of yours "Where it is you might be going" for the first time (though I've read it once before) and it was definitely a different experience. Your voice is so soothing and during the cathartic moments it really serves the tension well. This fic is actually a harder read now than before because I feel like most of us are so used to the idea of them being absolutely gone for each other for so long, not giving a crap about what they're doing as long as it's (1)

(2) together, and this fic takes us to an alternate universe where they're more hesitant of fully committing to each other when their careers come into play. Definitely bittersweet throughout, with a blissfully happy ending, but my heart really was in such a rollercoaster that it came out with some rougher edges. Anyways, I just wanted you to know how powerful your writing was and your voice is so beautiful, thank you for this experience

Thank you so much for sending me these messages! 

This is my favourite of all my fics. I don’t know why, but the experience of writing it was good and I had a great beta in @templeofshame (all my betas have been great, I just wanted to give the one for this some love) It was written for a @phandomficfests valentines fest but its only really tangentially related to valentines. 

I like thinking about what-ifs. And really, this fic is “What would have happened if Phil took the internship”. He spoke about it in a liveshow and I wondered how it would have panned out. I mean, I don’t think Dan really would have been an actor, like I’m not theorising here, I’m just creating one of a thousand, million, different ways it could have gone because I find it fun. But I can see how it would be bittersweet in comparison to what really happened. But then, I knew that when I was writing it so it’s always felt that way for me.

This message meant a lot. A few people have said my voice is soothing, especially in the live streams, and I have a weird love of reading aloud and being read aloud to so I’ll keep streaming until people tell me to stop. 

But I might start recording them so I can post them as podfic if people wanna listen :)

[james-stark-the-writer]

So I just finished Lucifer S04...

... And what the fuck. What the fuck. I did not sign up for this. But I totally signed up for this. NETFLIX I WILL NEED A SEASON 5 YESTERDAY, THANKS.

Spoilers, duh.

The fucking ending killed me. It killed me in every way imaginable. I'm going to fucking cry.

Goddamnit, Lucifer. What the fuck. I—

Let's go back a tiny bit. So, when we first learned the prophecy was real, I was dead sure it had to be Lucifer turning full demon and hell breaking loose.

Then we got the Eve plot line and I died. I love and hate Eve so fucking much. I'm the most conflicted about her. Because while her storyline was amazing, her actions just made me want to yeet her out a window. I don't think I've been this conflicted in ver a character since Joe Goldberg. Aaaaaaahgghh. But I kinda knew where her plot line was going when she started changing herself for Lucy. But I still wanted her and Maze to end up together. Bisexual queens, the both of them. Yesss. But, maybe in s05.

Amenadiel was the best one this season besides Dan. His storyline was absolutely amazing and the way they handled his reaction to racism and police brutality? Phenomenal. This is how you handle the issues, you fucking dipshits. Absolutely phenomenal. I knew he couldn't break Linda's heart but for fuck sake I actually thought he took the baby to the silver city when he went missing.

Absolutely fuck Kinley. Both before and after death, he was an asshole. That's about all I have to say on him. Though the actor really did a good job. I've loved him since Outlander and The Hobbit Movies. I knew he was going to be fantastic.

Dan and Ella have left me the most conflicted this season besides Eve. Like, fuck, I don't ship them. But I get the whole Kindred Spirits thing they have. I do not like them together but Dan needs Ella's influence right now. But like, as a friend. I don't like them as a couple.

Chloe, Linda and Maze were all absolutely fantastic this season and I loved Chloe's journey from Episode 1 to episode 10. Hell, everyone's journey this season was fantastic. Including Eve and Amenadiel and Lucifer.

Honestly, this season was just as good as S01, if not a little bit better. I can't wait for the next season. And honestly, there's really nothing bad I have to say about it.

Except the ending. I didn't sign up for this goddamnit. The feels hit me really really bad when I saw his wings were normal again. I teared up, bitch. Fuck. They already hit me when they kissed but like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck they hit me really hard when we saw his wings and then cut to him back in hell. Aah, the chills. Magnificent.

Although the fight with Dromos was a tad bit underwhelming, ngl. "Needs more oomph." If I'm quoting Lucifer. Eh, felt a bit weird he kept the full squad in until the end. But, fair. I get it was the ace up his sleeve. Also don't understand when he didn't feed the baby the bottle after Lucifer came in. I mean, what was stopping him? He just stood and watched the fighting instead of taking the baby. A bit contrived but I don't mind much.

It's not a perfect ending but it's given enough answers to be a series end and left just enough questions to make a season 5. I love this fucking show so fucking much, it's absurd.

9.8/10. It's absolutely perfect. The 0.1 is gone because of the Dan and Ella ship but like, I still understand it. And the other 0.1 because of the underwhelming fight with Dromos and the other demons.

I NEED S05 RIGHT NOW.

[youspoketome]

My Favorite Albums of 2018

I tried something new this year. All year long, every time I bought a new album I added it to a note on my phone as a list so that I could adjust the order as needed. Some things settled into their order quickly, but a couple spots went down to the wire. Embarrassingly, I was just looking at my 2015 list and six albums on that list were the previous albums by six of the bands on this list, and one was a solo album by the singer of a seventh band listed here. I'm not quite sure what that means in the grand scheme of things. And that seems like a long enough introduction, so here we go!

Murder By Death - THE OTHER SHORE

Honestly, I thought Murder By Death was finished having albums on top of my best of lists. I had been so disappointed in GOOD MORNING, MAGPIE. That album had like two good songs, but the rest was at best forgettable filler and at worst sounded like a parody of themselves. The two albums since then had definitely been better, but still not at the levels of their earlier albums. Enter THE OTHER SHORE: an incredible return to the long form concept album following a story of love and dying planets in a western in space. It's full of catchy hooks without ever being clichè, small character moments and big, world-ending finishes. Best of all, it's got ripping 2-minute long cello solos. This is peak Murder By Death right here.

mewithoutYou - [UNTITLED]

mewithoutYou is another band I've loved for years, but thought was coming off of a weaker album. I enjoyed PALE HORSES (it made my top ten list the year it came out), but it didn't have anything that really grabbed me and made it a necessary part of the mwY canon. [UNTITLED] immediately feels important. It's not the most easily accessable album, but when have mewithoutYou ever been accessable? This is an album that has layers that you can appreciate as you dig down to them on further listens. Over the years mwY's sound has evolved from the heavier hollerin' of [A->B] LIFE and CATCH FOR US THE FOXES to the completely clean and folky IT'S ALL CRAZY... and back again. [UNTITLED] really blends things together by taking the heaviness from early albums and adding them in for flavor rather than building the songs around them, giving the songs depth and intensity. For my money, it's their best album since BROTHER, SISTER. Still waiting on that album/EP collector's edition to ship though, so no pictures.

Gregory Alan Isakov - EVENING MACHINES

I've enjoyed Gregory Alan Isakov's previous albums of folky songs fit for sitting on the front porch at your farm while reading an old book, but whenever I'd see him live my favorite song was always the non-album track "Liars" and I'd always wish he'd record it. That song seemed darker than anything else he'd written and had this slow build to an epic climax that almost gave you chills. He finally did record it on his studio album with the Colorado Symphony in 2016 and then he followed that up with his most eclectic album yet. From the soft and haunting opener "Berth," all the way to the end, EVENING MACHINES expands on what Isakov is willing to do, keeping that same welcoming, mellow feel, but getting there in new ways and with new instruments. "Caves" captures that darkness "Liars" had in a way that is wholly satisfying to me. It feels like he wrote the album I didn't even realize I had been wanting him to write all along.

Emery - EVE

I've always enjoyed Emery, but it wasn't until their last album YOU WERE NEVER ALONE when they broke the album down song by song on a behind the scenes podcast that I fully appreciated them as musicians. Unlike a lot of bands that came out at the same time in the same genre, Emery is a band with multiple members who have actually studied how music works and can point out and name every single time signature and key change in every song. Now with EVE, I've been able to listen to the little details, noticing and appreciating the attention they give to every little part of each song. The way they don't add the screamed vocal at this part of the song because that seems to obvious, so they save it for when it'll be more striking. How they add the harmonies and layer the vocals. Some bands with that kind of background forget how to write a catchy song or what makes a song enjoyable to listen to, but Emery has this ability to perfectly blend this crazy musicianship with honest, straight from the gut songwriting. The end result is an album full of fantastic songs with awesome little parts and details that make it special and stand out.

Thrice - PALMS

For me (and a lot of people, I think) Thrice and Thursday have always been kind of linked. I discovered them at the same time, both on their second albums. They were post-hardcore bands, similar enough sounding to compare to each other and they both started experimenting with their sound on their fourth albums. Then they both announced they were breaking up within a day of each other. The weird thing is when I first discovered them, I preferred Thursday hands down. Then they both released their third albums and cemented my opinions of them, so much so that I decided not to buy Thrice's fourth album when it came out. Man, that was a huge mistake. That fourth album, VHEISSU was the album when Thrice hit their stride, expanding and exploring their sound with each release since then. Each of their post-reunion albums have continued this trend and PALMS might be their best full album yet.

Frank Turner - BE MORE KIND

To be honest, I'm surprised this album is this far down. If you had me rank my expected best albums of the year list at the beginning of the year, Frank Turner with have been number one with a bullet. But BE MORE KIND was not the album I was expecting, and I was a little let down by it. That I'm saying that my number 6 album of the year was a bit of a let down should tell you how highly I think of Frank Turner. It starts off strong with the mellow opener of "Don't Worry" followed by a full on banger in "1933." But the third track "Little Changes" just didn't hit for me. It seemed like Frank Turner dumbed down for the masses. And it's not that it's too poppy; I enjoy myself a good pop song. It's just that the songwriting seems so simple. There are a number of really good songs throughout the rest of the album (like "Blackout"), but the overarching feel for me is that it's too simplistic, there's no depth to any of the songwriting. All that said, it's hard to rag too much on it because how can you bash an album that's sole message is to be kind and positive and to treat other people decently? Maybe it's that message that made him lose his teeth. In summation, I like Frank Turner a lot, even when he's disappointing me.

Smoking Popes - INTO THE AGONY

INTO THE AGONY is the Smoking Popes first album in seven years. They were putting out albums more frequently than that while they were broken up! After being broken up from 1999-2005, the Popes returned with STAY DOWN, which was not the strongest album to come back on. It was mostly a downer and ended up being completely forgettable for me. This time, upon returning from a seven year album cycle with new album they've knocked it out of the park. It's upbeat and catchy, it's slow and meaningful, it features Josh Caterer's soaring vocals, and it's another fantastic entry into the catalog.

Death Cab For Cutie - THANK YOU FOR TODAY

I think Death Cab's existence as a band is better broken up into stages. You've got the pre-TRANSATLANTICISM era, the TRANS/PLANS era, NARROW/CODES, and now KINTSUGI/THANK YOU. TRANS/PLANS is my favorite era. It's where I discovered Death Cab, it's where I spend the most time with them, it's just the best. But after a bit of a dip there for a couple albums (not saying they were bad, it was just a dip), I felt like KINTSUGI was a step back up, and now THANK YOU FOR TODAY continues in the same vein. It's a more electronic/synthy sound than previous eras, which sets it apart from their highest peaks, so you're not just constantly comparing it to something they'll probably never reattain. I really enjoy where this era is taking them.

Alkaline Trio - IS THIS THING CURSED?

This past summer I decided to give Alkaline Trio's AGONY & IRONY a listen for the first time in I don't know how long. Everyone agrees Alkaline Trio used to be good and then got less good, and I agree, but that specific album was for me the low point, mostly because of "Love Love Kiss Kiss." But then this weird thing happened: I really enjoyed it. Even that song, which is still doofy, wasn't as bad as I remembered. I was so bummed out about it at the time, but that album has some really good songs on it. Even at their lowest point, I still really like Alkaline Trio. IS THIS THING CURSED? is a new Alkaline Trio album. It's got Matt songs, it's got Dan songs, it's got one Dan song that kind of too doofy (Little Help?), it strangely has multiple song titles that end in question marks, and it has an acoustic closer featuring Matt's scratchy-voiced wailing. This is another solid Alkaline Trio album.

The Decemberists - I'LL BE YOUR GIRL

Every year at the same time, all of the baseball websites post their top prospects lists, where they rank the upcoming minor league players in all of baseball or on each team individually, so people can get excited about the next wave of baseball All-Stars. In almost all of these lists you've got your top five or six guys who are clearly the best players in that team's minor league system in that order, but then at about number seven they kind of become interchangeable for a while. You could switch prospect #8 with #12 and no one would cause too much of a ruckus because they're all pretty similar at that point. We've reached that point in my best albums list (really, we reached that point with Alkaline Trio). These final couple spots could have also gone to 6666 by Four Fists, 9 by Saves The Day, KIDS SEE GHOSTS, or if I was in the right mood, even the new MXPX or the Matthew Thiessen solo album. What pushed I'LL BE YOUR GIRL across the line was (a) my wife's incredulousness at my mentioning it might not make the cut and (b) the fact that "Once In My Life" and "Everything Is Awful" have full-on been our anthem songs this past month. This is the Decemberists doing what they do. Folky songs about sea monsters, horse gallop rhythms, and cowboy sing-alongs. Throw in some synth lines to keep things fresh and baby, you've got a stew going.