#i've been very guilty of placing the relationship blame on someone for being too avoidant

[prettybearbutch]

I think life gets so much better when you stop thinking of everyone as either being strictly the 'good' anxious attached or 'bad' avoidant attached. I think you can be both/either depending on the specific relationship, outside stressors, other things happening in your life

[lukaistypingprivately]

I need a place to let it out. Good thing he doesn't understand English.

Feels like I don't want to be with him any longer, he's a nice person. But we never should have started.

Back then, we were talking about my pass relationship, when he asked me if I'm willing to try to let go and try something new, I said yes. Somehow he misunderstood it into me say yes to be his girlfriend.

He was so excited, even it just by messages, I can feel it. For some stupid reason I didn't want to disappoint him so I just played along. But I have to admit, it really didn't feel right. I knew it and I let it happen. Giving someone false hope, lying about my own feelings.

I never had that kind of feel for him, the butterflys and everything I had felt for Max even till now, I didn't have it for him. But I needed someone, I was too heartbroken and desperate, all over the place. Max was never mine to have and my ex left me, and he was kind and patient. The little misunderstanding that I should have made it right long ago, had made him a life line instead of a lover.

But I'm selfish.

Seeing him so happy of taking care of me, always loving and caring. That was all I ever wanted. All these years being neglected and abandoned by my family, always the unwanted one that never gets picked. It was the first time someone actually wants me just because of who I am. How can I resisit it? To beloved and cherish, I just can't risk loosing it.

So I tried. Fake it till you make it.

Yet it was easier said than done. Every time he looks me in the eye and say I love you. I feel guilty, and it grows by every time.

To me, love is heavy, it is not something I can easily give it out. I might like him, or love him as family, but love him as a partner? Romantically? I just feel like selling out my soul bit by bit every time I lie in his face.

I'm so exhausted.

I thought I can do it without a flinch.

Yet now, whenever we had a disagreement, or something he does or won't do, doesn't fit my expectation, I blame him. There is always going to have a sound whispering to me, saying "I told you that was a bad idea, you shouldn't settle with someone you never wanted, see what happened!"

And I hate myself for it, for I know this is totally unfair to him. What I used to whine about, that life is so unfair, why no one loves me and keeps taking advantage from me and takes me for granted, I'm doing it all to him, just the same.

I hate myself more by everyday, and I don't have the courage to let him go. I have this selfish thought, what if I don't find someone just as loving and care as he is? What if I need couldn't find anyone at all?

It was to a point I'm starting to think, maybe don't do it for love, do it for my own future? The reality is, my career isn't very promising, and the living cost is sky-high. I'd never be able to live on my own with dignity. So I tell myself, it's okay, with him, I can at least feel less insecure.

However lately, it seemed like he didn't have any life planning, and is not planning to have any planning! I tried multiple times talking to him, see if we can work this out. But it seems there's no use. He's satisfied, because he had no burden on housing or working, unlike me which had both. It just drove my insecurity to a point I can't think straight, so I've been avoiding him for weeks.

If I don't love him that much, if he can't take care of me and make me feel safe, why still together? Is it worth it? Stay just to feel being loved like teenagers but not the mature security and promises?

I'm almost 30 and it's driving me mad

[rottengalzsworld]

Our Beautiful Rhythm.

"Hey gramps! Who's this two?"

"Hmm?"

"This two people in black and white. Who're they?"

Even when I can't see I know who he's talking about.

"Ah. Those two.. They're the people who once fought for a forbidden love.." I paused

"And? What happened?"

"Well.. they failed."

"Why?"

"Because.. How bout I tell you their story instead? That way it's easier to explain why."

"Hmm okay." He sat down in front me.

"It happened several years ago.."

Flashback

"SATOSHI! WAIT UP! YOUR TOO FAST!"

"HAHAHAHA. NO! YOU TWO ARE JUST TOOO SLOW!"

"OOORRRRAAAAAAAA!!!"

"WOAH! OI! KENSUKE!"

"HAHAHAHAHA! COME ON KANOU! RUN FASTER! IT'S GONNA POUR SOON!"

end of flashback

"Those three. Every single day they're together. Playing. Having fun. With no care in the world. They were so happy... until.."

"Until?" My naive grandson asks.

"Until that day.. where the most beautiful rhythm of friendship almost broke.."

Flashback

"Sa-satoshi.. K-kanou? What are you..?"

"Kensuke.."

I saw satoshi on top of kanou.. I couldn't process what was going on. I ran. Why did I ran anyway? Wait.. why am I crying? What is this? Why do I feel so betrayed?

*People murmuring*

"Hey did you know someone saw satoshi and kanou having s*x in the old storage room?"

"Wait.. so they're gay? Eew. Disgusting!"

"I know right? Eew"

"We should avoid them I don't want to catch their virus!"

"Hahahahahaha. Can't even believe their fags. How'd ya think they do it?"

"Stop it! That's disgusting.."

No.. no.. maybe they're just curious or confuse.. right? Why.. why do I still feel so..

Kanou and satoshi came to school as if nothing happened. Kanou obviously is very affected of what our classmate's saying but satoshi didn't care and even kissed him in front of everyone. We're all astonished.

"Yes! Kanou and I are in a relationship and I don't f*cking care wether you accept us or not.. I love him and he's mine. Lay your hands on him.. I'll kill you!"

He said with such scary eyes. Our classmates were silenced. They know that satoshi isn't someone you wanna mess with. He's the team captain of judo and also knows martial arts. In other words he's very strong.

After a week passed I decided to talk to them

*bows* "I'm terribly sorry! Satoshi! Kanou! I.. I.. *cries*"

Why can't I say anything? I have to apologize. I can't see.. my eyes are soo blurry. More importantly.. why am I crying?

I felt a hand rub my head. I lifted my head and there I saw satoshi's smiling face.

"You really are a cry baby. Huh kensuke."

"You know we weren't actually mad... It's our mistake for not telling you anything. Were sorry.." kanou said with pained smile.

Why? Why are they so kind? It's me who ruined their reputation. Because of me..

"Why.." I whispered.

"Hmm?"

"WHY?! WHY ARE YOU SO KIND TO ME?!" I yelled while crying.

"Kensuke calm do--" said kanou

"NO! I.. I AM THE REASON WHY PEOPLE SEE'S YOU LIKE GARBAGE! I AM THE REASON WHY YOUR REPUTATION AS GOOD STUDENTS RUINED! I.. It's.. It's my fault.. *sobs*"

"Kensuke.."

I looked at satoshi who now wears that scary serious eyes. I trembled.

"So what do you want us to do? Blame you? Punch you? Swear at you?" He said.

I'm shaking..

"Are you an idiot?! HUH?! KENSUKE??!" He shouted.

He punched me straight to the face. It hurts.. but I deserve it.

"SATOSHI! Enough!" Said kanou.

"There! Happy now? Are you satisfied?" He asks furiously.

I can't lift my face not because of his punch. But because I can't look at them in the eyes because I felt so damn guilty of what I did.

"Kensuke. Look. It's not your fault that everybody knew about us. We already prepared ourselves for that. We knew it's gonna happen sooner or later. But.. but what we didn't expect is.." his voice started shaking.

"Is you turning your back at us.. I.. I thought you're gonna be on our side.. turns out.. you weren't.." he said.

I lifted my head and I saw him crying. The strong satoshi I know is here in front me crying like a loser.

"Satoshi.." I said. Damn it!

"Kensuke.. now that you know about us. Would you still like to be our friend?" Kanou asks.

"Our world is different now. It's okay if you want to distance yourself from us.. We'll understand.. but please decide so.. so.. *sobs*" kanou is crying. I'm a very bad friend huh.

Damn it! This two! The reason I'm here is because I want to be with them like before.

"Are you nuts?" I said

"I won't be here embarrassing myself If I don't want to be your friend anymore. You two seriously.." I told them while holding a smile. And trying my best to not cry.

"KENSUKE!" They both screamed my name and hugged me. We all cried and apologized to each other..

Our friendship is back on track again. I'm so happy..

End of flashback

"Kensuke knew it won't be easy but he only thinks that as long as his friends are happy he's fine with anything"

"If that's the case... why did they fail??" He asks..

"All was well until their parents knew about it. Both of their families were against them.. they even came to the point of marrying off satoshi to a rich woman... and kanou.. his family wants to take him to another country.."

Flashback

"NO! MOTHER! I WILL NEVER DO THAT!" I screamed.

"SATOSHI! ARE YOU INSANE?! DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF IMPACT THIS RELATIONSHIP WILL DO TO OUR FAMILY?!" My mother shouted at me.

Honestly I already saw this coming. But for her to marry me off to someone I don't even know is too much.

"Mother.. did you even heard me? I said I won't marry her!" I stubbornly disagreed

"Wether you like it or not! You will marry her. End of discussion. Go to your room now!" She said.

No! No matter what happen. I won't give up on kanou.

That night I sneaked out to see kanou. I went to our meeting place. There I saw him standing next to a tree facing the view of the ocean. He's like a goddess. So beautiful. I slowly walked towards him.

"Satoshi.." he softly called out to my name. As I wrap .y hands around his waist.

"Kanou.." I replied.

He faced me. His face says it all. He's worried. Scared.

"My parents told me they're going to bring me to america.. satoshi.. I don't want to go." He told me teary eyed.

"My mother wants me to marry someone I don't know.. obviously I disagreed but.. she told me I don't have a choice." I hugged him. We both cried. We don't know what to do. Were still young. We can't possibly do anything ourselves.

"Satoshi.. I love you." He said

"I love you more than anything else.. kanou" I kissed him.. passionately. Under the big full moon. Oh god. Please. I don't want this to end. I love him so much.

After a month It's my wedding day. My mother rushed everything..

"Satoshi.. Are you ready?" My mother asked me.

I didn't answer. I'm not. Of course. And I will never be.

"*sighs* Look. Son. I'm doing this for you.." she said.

Hah! Since when did you even care about me? The only thing you're worried about is our family name and your damn money.

"Madam. It's time." Said the driver.

"Yes. Son. I will wait for you. I'll see you there." She said tapping my shoulders.

Mother.. sorry. But I really can't.

After my mother went to church I ran to my car and drove fast. I stopped by kensuke's house to give him something. But seems like no one's home. So I just placed it in their mailbox instead hoping kensuke will see it.

After that I drove to that place.. our special place.

When I arrived there I couldn't find kanou. I got scared. What if.. what if he really went away? What am I gonna do?? Kanou..

"KANOU?! KANOU! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I screamed.. but no one answered. I sat down. Crying. Why.. kanou.. we talked about escaping together.. kanou.. where are you..

"Satoshi?.. *pants*" someone at my back called me.. I immediately looked who it is..

"KANOU!" I got up and hugged him.

"I.. I thought you weren't.." I said.

"You thought I won't come? You silly. I won't let you escape by yourself and leaving me behind." He smiled and kissed me.

It was night time.

"The moon tonight is big.." he said..

"Yeah.. As if it calls for us.." I said.

"Satoshi.."

"Are you scared?" I asked.

"A little bit. Yes. But being in your arms calms me."

"That's good. I love you kanou." I kissed him in his forehead.

"I love you too satoshi.." We kissed each other.

"It's time.." I said.

We both got up and started walking towards the ocean. I held his hand. Tightly. The water is cold. But are hands stayed warm.

"SATOSHI! KANOU!" Ah.. that voice..

We looked back and I wasn't wrong. It's our dear friend kensuke.

"DON'T DO THIS! I WILL HELP YOU ESCAPE! BUT JUST NOT THIS! PLEASE!" He begged. I'm sorry kensuke. But even if we managed to escape were still prisoners of this world.

I smiled at him. I waved my hands. Same to kanou. We waved our hands to him.

"We'll see ya later ken!" Kanou said.

"See ya crybaby kensuke!" I said.

Again we started walking towards the moon. I can hear kensuke calling us.

"YOU IDIOTS! *cries* YOUR SO SELFISH FOR LEAVING ME LIKE THIS! *sobs* But.. but.. BUT DON'T WORRY! *sobs* I.. I PROMISE TO LIVE FOR YOU! *sobs* BUT WHEN THE TIME COMES! YOU.. *sobs* YOU TWO.. YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE FOR ME! NEXT TIME! *sobs*.. next time.."

After hearing that I smiled. Looked back. He's waving and as usual.. crying. Damn.. this hurts.

"YES! WE PROMISE!" Kanou and I said together.

I've never been so calm and happy. I glanced at kanou and he did the same. He smiled. As we were both engulfed by the waters of ocean. I grasp his body and held it near me. Kissed him again.. for one last time.. after that I lost consciousness.

---

satoshi.. kanou.. you guys.. you're so selfish.

I am holding the paper satoshi sent me. Held it near my chest.

I watched them be devoured by the ocean. I couldn't do anything. I fell on my knees. Cried myself till I pass out.

Why can't I do anything to protect the important people in my life?

Kensuke.. our dearest friend. I'm sorry for letting you witness such horrific scene. But we just want you to know.. that we're happy. In this special place of ours. Kensuke.. I have one favor to ask of you. Please keep on living for us. Fulfill our dreams for us. I know it's a bit selfish but.. kensuke.. were counting on you. This thing were about to do is the only way for us to be together. Don't worry. We're going to be fine. Don't be a crybaby coz we know that you'll be okay too. Ja! Gotta go. Our special place is waiting for us. So good bye for now. Till we meet again.

-satoshi and kanou

Weeks passed the body of satoshi and kanou were found at the shore on the other side of the beach. The people who saw it said that their hands were inclined.

They didn't let go of each other even in death huh...

End of flashback

"So they failed because they died?" My grandson said.

"They failed to fight for their love.. they chose to give their lives up." I answered.

"No gramps. I think your wrong." He said.

"What?"

"They died not because they gave up. They chose death because even if they manage to live they're still prisoners of this cruel world." he said.

Wait.. that's..

"Honestly in the end.. even with what happened.. they still won gramps."

"You think so? How?" I asked.

"Coz they died together. You said that when their dead bodies were found they're still holding on each other.. that only means one thing. They're happily together somewhere special. A very special place where their free and peaceful."

This boy..

I can't believe that a mere 15 years old boy would make me realize such a huge thing..

"Anyway gramps.. how come you know such story??" He asked me curiously.

"Well. It's becau--"

"KAMIKI? KAMIKI! Where are you??!"

"AH! Yes moooom! I'm here!" He answered

"There you are. I have been calling your name for so many times now." My daughter akane said.

" hehehehe.. sorry mom I was hanging out with gramps. What do you need me for anyway?"

"Your friend is here.." she said.

"Uhm.. hi?" Another guy said..

"SATOO!! WOW! Whaddya doin here?!" He said

"Our teachers told me to check on you since you were absent.."

"Oohh did you miss me?"

*flustered* "what?! No!"

Aaahh.. kids nowadays.. very energetic.

"Hey pops.."

"Akane.."

"So were you telling him that story?" She asks.

"Yes.. and wanna know what he said after I finished telling it to him?" I told her.

"Yeah?"

"He said that they didn't lost the fight.. but won"

"Hahahaha.. well you know that kid.. he's different."

"Indeed he is."

"Mom! Were going somewhere okay?!"

"Fine but don't be late for dinner!"

"Ooookaay!"

"Have to go back to the kitchen pops.. need to finish my cooking.."

"Right okay.." I answered.

After all this years of me worrying and thinking just went to waste. Well either way I don't care..

I just hope that this time. In this life time. Your beautiful rhythms will continue to play.

I hope you get the happiness you both deserve.. I hope no one steals this true love and contentment both of you have. I hope.. you live the life you dreamed of.

Haaah.. seems like I can finally relax.. I have kept my promise. So it's time to keep yours.

Well.. kanou.. satoshi.. indeed till we meet again.. My dear friends.

- kensuke

[restoringsanity]

Hello, my url is saltbearthekitten (I am a sideblog). I'm trying to pile together some psychological studies (links to, more like, but you get the drift) that can support our arguments. For ex: I've seen antis excusing their abusive behavior by claiming that they were abused, like being abused cannot in the end turn out an abuser. I want to help provide evidence to dispute these claims. Do you have any good readings you would recommend? Your blog is very refreshing and I binge read your posts.

I will make an effort to find an answer to the question “Can victims of abuse become abusers?”. It’s a 2226-words-long effort, so I’m putting it under a ‘read more’.

tl;dr: yeah, sure - but anyone can become an abuser or someone displaying abusive/manipulative behavior; there are people more likely to do so; meanwhile children/adolescents who have suffered child abuse or have been exposed to domestic violence are considerably more likely to display internalized/externalized behavioral issues - such as depression, anxiety, trauma, aggression, manipulative behavior.

“The Line between Victims and Abusers“ by Steven Stosny makes for insightful reading, but it’s a little dated (2009), and I don’t entirely agree with some of the patronizing wording. It still draws an interesting line between victims and abusers, and points out how victims can become abusive in their behavior.

“The victim protection movement began as a noble attempt to counteract the most insidious aspect of the abusive dynamic - blaming the victim, which has the effect of making the victim feel ashamed of being abused. But as is the case with all effective social movements, the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We now have a victim identity movement, fueled by an industry of self-help authors and advocates, that has conferred a certain status to being a victim and thereby blurred the line between victims and abusers.”

Note: This article is a think piece. Very strictly speaking, it doesn’t count as scientific data. The author seems quite proficient in his field though, hence why I’d argue it’s still representative of the subject.

I’m noticing there’s also a bit of a problem with the question you’re asking. When you ask “Can a victim of abuse become an abuser?”, the only possible answer to that is ‘yes’, because the subject of abuse isn’t strictly a matter of personal history. It’s also a matter of likelihood, plausibility and circumstance, as well as mental health, among other factors. It is entirely possible for a victim to become an abuser, for them to develop abusive mannerism and behavior, and for their ‘status’ as a victim to manifest itself in abusive coping mechanisms and/or mannerism and behavior that is similar to abusive mannerisms and behavior, but not the same. The question should rather be “Can anyone become an abuser?”, to which the answer is also ‘yes’. There are stages and degrees of abuse, and it’s not always equally severe, or even noticeable. Another question worth asking would be “What is abuse?” or “What is abusive behavior?”.

“Abusive power and control” (wikipedia article) gives a general overview in regards to how abusers gain and maintain control.

Here’s a very small excerpt,

Braiker identified the following ways that manipulators control their victims:[3]

- Positive reinforcement: includes praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing, money, approval, gifts, attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile, and public recognition.

- Negative reinforcement: involves removing one from a negative situation as a reward, e.g. "You won't have to do your homework if you allow me to do this to you."

- Intermittent or partial reinforcement: Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist.

- Punishment: includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trip, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.

- Traumatic one-trial learning: using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.

Manipulators may have:[3]

- a strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others

- a want and need to feel in control

- a desire to gain a feeling of power over others in order to raise their perception of self-esteem.

Personality psychology also appears to play a considerable role,

In the study of personality psychology, certain personality disorders display characteristics involving the need to gain compliance or control over others:[10]

Those with antisocial personality disorder tend to display a glibness and grandiose sense of self-worth. Due to their shallow affect and lack of remorse or empathy, they are well suited to con and/or manipulate others into complying with their wishes.

Those with histrionic personality disorder need to be the center of attention; and in turn, draw people in so they may use (and eventually dispose of) their relationship.

Those with narcissistic personality disorder have an inflated self-importance, hypersensitivity to criticism and a sense of entitlement that compels them to persuade others to comply with their requests.

To maintain their self-esteem, and protect their vulnerable true selves, narcissists need to control others' behavior – particularly that of their children seen as extensions of themselves.[11]

Once more, the goal should rather be to identify abusive behavior. It’s not to find an absolute answer to the question “Who can or can’t be an abuser?”.

If you were to ask the question “Does a number of antis display abusive behavior?” my answer would be - yes, absolutely yes, holy fuck do they ever, yes. Not to mention that the ‘antis’ displaying said behavior then proceed to victim-blame/shame, seeing as how ‘antis’ firmly believe that their victims absolutely deserve being abused.

I could easily write an entire post about that alone, and I probably should.

Another aspect of the ‘Can victims become abusers?’ question would be the

“Abuse Defense” (wikipedia article), which describes the following,

The abuse defense is a criminal law defense in which the defendant argues that a prior history of abuse justifies violent retaliation. While the term most often refers to instances of child abuse or sexual assault, it also refers more generally to any attempt by the defense to use a syndrome or societal condition to deflect responsibility away from the defendant. Sometimes the concept is referred to as the abuse excuse, in particular by the critics of the idea that guilty people may use past victimization to diminish the responsibility for their crimes.[1]

When the abuser is the victim of the crime, as is often the case, the abuse excuse is sometimes used as a way to "put the victim on trial".

The Supreme Court of the United States has held on numerous occasions that the defendant should be permitted to present any information that they feel might affect sentencing. Despite this legal precedent, the availability of the abuse defense has been criticized by several legal experts, particularly in the aftermath of the trials of Lorena Bobbitt and the Menendez brothers. Legal scholar Alan Dershowitz has described the abuse excuse as a "lawless invitation to vigilantism".

Interestingly enough, this law is meant to take the dynamic between the abuser and the victim into consideration (and even then it’s highly contended). It does not refer to victims of abuse lashing out against people that were not implicit in their abuse.

“Behavioural consequences of child abuse” is a fairly recent (2013) research study, which describes how any type of abuse can affect children and adolescents in how they express themselves (- arguably, when left untreated, those behavioral issues might be carried over into adulthood).A small excerpt:

Effects of violence and neglect on attachment and brain development

A strong and secure attachment bond with a primary caregiver is the core of developing resilience and a healthy personality.7,8 It strengthens a child’s ability to cope with stress, regulates emotions, provides social support, and forms nurturing relationships.9 The world is experienced as a safe place in which to explore and develop independence. The child finds comfort and support from his or her caregiver when under stress. When children are abused, they might display disturbed forms of attachment and abnormal patterns of emotional response toward their caregivers. This might subsequently lead to a serious attachment disorder with symptoms such as those shown in Box 1.5–8

Box 1.Symptoms of attachment disorderThe following are symptoms of attachment disorder.

- An aversion to touch and physical affection: The child might flinch, laugh, or even say “ouch” when touched; rather than producing positive feelings, touch and affection are perceived as threats

- Control issues: The child might go to great lengths to prevent feeling helpless and remain in control; such children are often disobedient, defiant, and argumentative

- Anger problems: Anger might be expressed directly, in tantrums or acting out, or through manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior; the child might hide his or her anger in socially acceptable actions, like giving a high-5 that hurts or hugging someone too hard

- Difficulty showing genuine care and affection: The child might act inappropriately affectionate with strangers while displaying little or no affection toward his or her parents

- An underdeveloped conscience: The child might act like he or she does not have a conscience and might fail to show guilt, regret, or remorse after behaving badly

Finally, “The Effects of Child Abuse and Exposure to Domestic Violence on Adolescent Internalizing and Externalizing Behavior Problems”is another fairly recent (2010) study based on the “Lehigh Longitudinal Study”, ‘a prospective study of children and families begun in the 1970s to examine developmental consequences of child maltreatment’.

Abstract

“Results show that child abuse, domestic violence, and both in combination (i.e., dual exposure) increase a child’s risk for internalizing and externalizing outcomes in adolescence. When accounting for risk factors associated with additional stressors in the family and surrounding environment, only those children with dual exposure had an elevated risk of the tested outcomes compared to non-exposed youth. However, while there were some observable differences in the prediction of outcomes for children with dual exposure compared to those with single exposure (i.e., abuse only or exposure to domestic violence only), these difference were not statistically significant. Analyses showed that the effects of exposure for boys and girls are statistically comparable.”

Objectives and Rationale“In summary, the current study examines several outcomes in adolescence with known links to child adversity -- a range of internalizing and externalizing behaviors, depression, and delinquency. We hypothesize that: (1) violence exposure will increase a child’s risk for these outcomes, and (2) youth exposed to both child abuse and domestic violence will show an elevated risk for these outcomes over either type of abuse alone. Finally, we explore the role of gender as a possible moderator of childhood exposure on later outcomes in adolescence. The gender-balanced sample and longitudinal design of the current study allow tests of developmental relationships that are not possible in studies with cross-sectional data or in studies with only one gender.”

Relation between Child Abuse and Adverse Psychosocial Outcomes

“Numerous studies have demonstrated that experiencing child abuse can lead to a range of internalizing and externalizing behavior problems. For example, research has shown that abused children can exhibit a variety of psychological problems, including anxiety and depression (McLeer, Callaghan, Henry, & Wallen, 1994; McLeer et al., 1998). The effects of being abused persist into adolescence; teens who were abused as children are more likely to experience depression and other internalizing problems (Fergusson, Horwood, & Lynskey, 1996; Widom, 2000; Wolfe, 1999; Wolfe, Scott, Wekerle, & Pittman, 2001). Teens who were abused as children are also more likely to exhibit externalizing behavior problems, such as delinquency and violence perpetration (Fergusson et al., 1996; Fergusson & Lynskey, 1997; Hawkins et al., 1998; R. Herrenkohl, Egolf, & E. Herrenkohl, 1997; McCabe, Lucchini, Hough, Yeh, & Hazen, 2005; Smith & Thornberry, 1995; Widom, 2000; Wolfe, 1999).”

Relation Between Domestic Violence Exposure and Adverse Psychosocial Outcomes

“Exposure to domestic violence in childhood has been linked to a similar set of outcomes, including low self-esteem, social withdrawal, depression, and anxiety (Edleson, 1999; Fantuzzo, Boruch, Beriama, Atkins, & Marcus, 1997; Graham Bermann, 1998; Hughes, 1988; Lichter & McCloskey, 2004; Litrownik, Newton, Hunter, English, & Everson, 2003; McCloskey, Figueredo, & Koss, 1995; McCloskey & Lichter, 2003; Moffitt & Caspi, 2003; Sudermann & Jaffe, 1997); and aggression, violence, and delinquency (Herrera & McCloskey, 2001; Lichter & McCloskey, 2004; Litrownik et al., 2003; McCloskey & Lichter, 2003; Sudermann & Jaffe, 1997). In a recent meta-analysis of studies that examined the relationship between domestic violence exposure in childhood and adolescent internalizing and externalizing behaviors, Evans, Davies, and DiLillo (2008) found significant mean-weighted effect sizes of .48 (SE=.04) for internalizing behaviors and .47 (SE=.05) for externalizing behaviors, indicating moderate associations between exposure and both outcomes.”

Discussion“As hypothesized, children exposed to violence (either child abuse, domestic violence, or both) had higher levels of externalizing and internalizing behavior problems in adolescence than those exposed to neither form of violence. Youths who had both witnessed domestic violence and had been direct victims of child abuse (i.e., dual exposure) were more consistently at risk for the entire range of internalizing and externalizing behavior problems investigated than those who experienced only one form of violence exposure. In fact, dual violence exposure was predictive of higher scores on all nine outcomes addressed in this study, while experiencing child abuse alone or domestic violence alone was significantly predictive of only some of the outcomes. A direct comparison of dual and single exposures found that for two outcomes-- delinquency and depression measured by the BDI—scores were higher for those with both abuse and domestic violence exposure. The effect of dual exposure on depression was maintained after accounting for other risks in the family and surrounding environment.“

So, essentially, and I’m breaking it down very simplistically here - victims of any type (or many types) of abuse can very likely display characteristically abusive behavior, and they’re even more prone to do so than those who have not suffered any type of abuse (or fewer types of abuse). That is not to say that they are inherently bound to become abusers themselves, but they are highly prone to aggressive behavior, as well as abusive/manipulative behavior.