#i've been using the break to deal with my health and depression but it's. scary to think about falling back down the moment i start again

[pansyfemme]

im dreading the new semester and also very excited for it

[heavenly-garden]

I'm here to have conversations about any subject so long as the conversation remains civil. I'm a genuinely open minded person but I'm also not a gullible fool. My eyes have been opened much these past six years since I became a follower of Christ.

I only seek to understand and not to judge because in the end it's not my place to judge others. I'm a sinner and are no better than anyone.

I used to lack a sense of direction in my life and didn't have any real goals but now I am focused, it's like I've come out of a deep dissociative state that I was trapped in for years and into a more grounded state of being, the holy spirit is guiding me to a better life but it doesn't guarantee I'm safe from harm. Pain is a part of life but I can handle it with Jesus I can withstand anything. I'd rather die standing for what is right and for my eternal soul than to risk it all for earthly pleasures. I'm done being shallow, lazy, greedy and foolish. This is my testimony. I am free. I am driven to go out and do more for others and hopefully help people by being kind and helpful.

Look guys I'm not here to brag or preach. I won't put myself up on a pedestals and treat others as though they are beneath me, that's not how a true Christian should act (IMO). I want to be able to be myself and coexist with you all as best I can. I want to reach my best highest potential and with Jesus I can. I'm not alone anymore carrying sin alone. I was finally able to let go and find real peace. I just want to share this joyful feeling with others, just good vibes and kind words, to lift spirits of my fellow human beings.

I was once a practitioner of traditional witchcraft, I studied alchemy, hermeticism, satanism, demonology, I was a pagan and used to do tarot card readings and astrology charts (now I try to work with my guide, angels and remain close to Jesus Christ as much as I can)

I won't go into much more detail, since for me this is my faith and I want certain things to remain between me and God only. All I can say is that I have been saved from my sinful ways and my life is great now. I still deal with depression and anxiety now and then but I deal with it better than I ever could in my own, the Lord has removed my burden.

I feel like prayer has helped me a lot as well as prayer, meditation and getting off social media for breaks from all the insanity is good for my mental health.

Look if you're a witch, a pagan, a Satanist, Occultist, whatever you may be I hope u find faith one day or that it finds you. You don't need to sell yourself to these unclean spirits. I say this out of genuine concern for your life and your soul, because I love you as I should love my neighbors, were all human and hurting. It's none of my business how you live your life just be careful, unclean spirits can destroy your life. Possession happens when you go down these paths, all kinds of scary things can happen, these entities are not something to be messed with.

You are dealing with beings beyond human comprehension and once an individual is open to possession it means your body is controlled by the spirit, complete and you allow it total dominion over your body. You could end up doing things you might not do because you agreed to be possessed. That's all I'm gonna say.

It happened to me and I'm never letting it happen again. I'm done with asking for power from these entities. All I need is Jesus and Yah now. They aren't asking me for anything but love and to love others so that's what I'm going to do.

Wish you all the best and I mean all of you no matter what we're all human and we need each other to succeed in this world so I'll respect your choices because it's your life and it's a gift.

I know there is a chance I'm going to potentially end up getting hateful comments for this post but I guess it's to be expected. Too many people feel like they have been burned, mislead or betrayed by the church so I get it. I go to church now, it took years to find a good positive place to worship God/Jesus and they're all so kind and welcoming. Ever since I was baptized in the river I've been at peace and I'm so grateful for it.

[ilikeyoshi]

i've been reading lately that pmdd can get worse as you age and honestly, yeah, i think that's happening. when i started taking continuous birth control to help with the hormonal fluctuations it worked super well, but it seems to just work... less and less... and lately whenever i've had to take a break on the meds for a breakthrough bleed the emotions just get??? bad???

i've been inexplicably sad and paranoid the past 2-3 days and it feels really bad after so long of Being Okay. like. i don't WANT to go back to this. i thought i was just tired because chronic illness but i think it's depression. it doesn't help that periods are probably my WORST gender dysphoria trigger.

i have an appt with my obgyn in november and some ideas of what we might be able to do, but it's just. tiring, you know. i'm getting so tired of fighting it and i know hysterectomy with bilateral whatchamacallit is like, a Big Fucking Deal, but i just. don't care? i can't make myself care anymore i just want to stop bleeding and i want to stop being physically capable of bearing children and it's just making me crazy and spirally lately. pmdd + gender dysphoria is actually the evilest combination imaginable.

:( i know in all likelihood i'm going to have to go through all the stupid hoops, like uid and uterine ablation, before doctors will let me just pull everything out and bin it—and if any of that works that's great but it all feels so.... subject to failure?? it feels like i'm just delaying something i'll nevertheless need to do anyway, when everything else stops working. uids have to be replaced, and uterine ablation is not only more likely to just give you light periods than no periods, but if it gets worse again it sounds like i can only get MAYBE one more ablation? so what if it comes back after the second one. assuming i get lucky and the ablations actually STOP the periods instead of lightening them.

like. it just feels like a bunch of time and money and pain for something that isn't super guaranteed to work. especially because my mom had a breast cancer that eats up estrogen, so like, part of me is thinking, if i get the hysterectomy-and-etc NOW, and enter surgical menopause NOW, i can still TAKE the estrogen HRT that makes said menopause infinitely easier to deal with. that might not be an option as i get older! if i develop the same breast cancer my mom (and grandma (and great grandma)) had, i won't be able to take the estrogen anymore. y'know??? it just seems like something that's more likely to backfire on me.

i dunno. i talk to the obgyn in november but i'm just. having a really bad week (breakthrough week, so i can't take the birth control, and being off it makes me crazy again) and i just want this to be over. i KNOW how to make it be over. i don't care if i have to take medication for the next 30 years or whatever, i take medication i'm likely going to need for life already, it's just another fuckin daily pill in the caddy. i don't care. i just want it to be over. i want to donate these organs to someone who wants them and can use them and that's Not Me. that's never been me. childbirth has scared and horrified me since i was a tiny little kid, and despite what adults told me it never, ever got better. i think about a fetus in my gut and i burst into tears. it's so fucking scary. i want this thing gone so i know it CANNOT happen.

i get why it's not ideal, i get why it's a last resort, i get it affects my bone and heart health, i just. i just don't care. it's been almost 29 years of being told "i'd want kids someday, i'll get pregnant someday" and then almost 20 years of the bleeding and the constant reminder that i'm a Woman™ and i can get pregnant and my body is SO INCREDIBLY READY TO GO in making a baby and it makes me wanna rip my guts out!!!! dude!!!! i hate this body i hate this anxiety i hate these constant unending reminders and i don't wanna fuckin DO IT for 20-30 more years i want to live NOW. i want to feel safe in my own skin NOW. fuck!

anyway. waiting for november is hard. being in the middle of a pmdd episode fucking sucks. i just feel bad all the time. i just want it to be over.

[sleepymoon-child]

The worst part is knowing people who were some do my best friends at one point found me to be such an inconvenience to them. Well, maybe not me, but my health. I like to think I'm really good at covering and hiding even my worst panic attacks. My depression has been insane since 8th grade and for years almost no one knew. Lately, I don't think I've covered myself up as much as I used to. People I'm not close with at school have started to notice my triggers and anxieties and as much as I do appreciate when they reach out or go out of their way to make me comfortable- in the end I hate it. I hate feeling like I am being this burden to someone. Like I am being an inconvience. I hate that I had friends who didn't feel comfortable around me because they didn't know if I would be in a good mood or a meh mood so they no longer knew how to talk to or be around me. I hate that all of a sudden my walls are breaking rob and people are starting to see me. I am open abou my anxiety and depression, I do talk about it now. I'm okay with that. But when I'm actually in these states? I don't want a soul to know or help me. But what am I supposed to do when everything I do, everywhere I go, makes me anxious? My panic is a shit show at school. I'm constantly anxious, I dissociate and depersonalize so often there. The depersonalization being especially scary because it's still a newer experience for me that I am not ready to openly talk about with most people. And I lost the one person who did understand and would talk to me about it. I just always feel so isolated and alone even when I am with people. I no longer have any focus, no drive, no ambition. I feel like the biggest piece of shit there is. I feel so worthless recently. I question myself every day. I want to be better. I spend so much time trying to improve myself and trying to help others and improve my relationships. But why? Why do I give so much love when it feels so unreciprocated? I'm sorry I'm so insecure. I'm sorry I'm so messy. I'm sorry I'm so fucking broken it burdens the rest of you. I'm sorry that you have to deal with only the tiniest portion of the biggest most distracting and difficult pieces of my life. I try so hard to work most things out myself. I try so hard not to involve others. I'm sorry that sometimes things are so bad I can't hide who I am. I'm trying.

People always seem to think I only have anxiety or depression or other health problems when I’m in school. I miss a shit ton of school due to these things, but on breaks I’m out doing shit. But here I am being up all night, having stomach aches all day, all due to my anxiety. The only reason I’m out during the day is because I’m able to calm down then catch up on my sleep, and be with people who I’m comfortable with. Like I’m so sorry that it always seems like I’m only fucked up during school or uncomfortable situations. I’m sorry I have to apologize for this but so many people tend to think this stuff is a lie or I’m not as miserable as I am or I’m faking it all. Like there are so many friends I’ve had in the past that have judged me or seen my health issues as an inconvenience to them. I can not explain how much it hurts to know there have actually been people in my life who find my health, or my sad/anxious moments are an inconvenience to them. I guess just going into the new year I’ve been thinking so much about myself, my well being, and my relationships. I just really want to be better, feel better, and make 2018 better. I want to stop being so scared, morbid, tired, and just so self loathing? I know this is such s down post, so rambley, and personal but I just really needed to vent somewhere and no one really has my Tumblr idk I’m sorry I’m tired and anxious and feeling crappy. I’ll try to remember to delete this later I just need to say it for now.