#i've been trying to tidy on the days when i don't feel motivated to do anything

[liones-s]

[lovelykil]

「 Scars 」

kyle x reader older ver.

cw; self harm scars, depression

cw; I initially didn't want to write (or post this) since it's so corny to me, but I actually struggle with depression and sh and stuff I won't get much into it but,, this is mainly for comfort to anyone else who struggles as well :-(

"And when we graduate we can go move in together and start our life in clean and fresh new bought home, maybe even.. bake some cookies the first day in?"

"I love new house smells"

"I know you do." I sheepishly smiled and took a small sip of my chocolate milk then let it rest on my nightstand. I sat up into my pillows, moving my legs around to get comfortable. Kyle moved his hands away and looked over at me.

"Do you want me to stop?" He asked, his voice filled with concern. I looked at him then my legs, I shook my head lightly.

"No I was just getting comfortable.." I hesitated, my eyes darting away from the various scars to my bare skin. He hummed, placing back my legs onto his lap where he would continue to caress his thumb along my scars while looking away.

I watched as he studied my room, his eyes moving to the dirty floor where clothes laid and stacks of dirty dishes piled up, missing assignments scattered around the ground and my backpack hung open on a chair with more clothes set on it.

I grew embarrassed, feeling uncomfortable again. This wasn't the first time I've felt like this anytime he came over.

I hate when he comes over to my house, I love going over to his since it's clean and tidy and takes my mind off that I'm a complete wreck and a total shit show because of the way I live.

My legs find their way to my chest where I held them close to me, suddenly I felt emotional.

"Why are you with me?" I croaked, looking away from him.

"What?"

"Why are you still with me? You absolutely hate germs and my room is just full of it, it's disgusting but I just can't seem to get myself to clean it all up. Plus.. I barely have any motivation to do anything I feel like I'm just.. dragging you down Kyle.. Why do you even bother with me anymore?"

As I went on, I felt my eyes burn with familiar tears. My sunken swelled eyes closed tightly to prevent the tears from falling but I quickly wiped my face with the back of my hand and sniffled just to realize I failed.

Kyle didn't say much, he stared at me perplexed. He's green caring eyes fell onto the many scars on my body then up to my face.

"We can always clean your room together if you want, I don't mind it.. really." I raised my head up to see his small smile with his head tilted to the side a little. Those eyes of his showed nothing but sincerity and love and to that I bit my lip down to try not to cry more.

"Also, I love you sweetheart I know you're struggling and I just want to help you. I'm always going to be here when you need me and if you need your alone time I'll respect that. I just want you to get better love."

"I'm trying Ky, I am.."

"I know you are Y/n, I can see it." I felt the warmth of his hand on my own as his thumb graced against my knuckles softly. His other hand neared close to my cheek and held it. My cheeks grew warm and a sad smile appeared on my weary face.

After so many arguments, me lashing out on him, ignoring him for hours, almost breaking up with him due to how bad I was getting, he still remained by my side, and tried to help me when no one else was. I know it must've been so hard for him during some days where I would completely ignore his existence and rot in my bed all day but I'm so glad he's still here with me.

He's the reason why I threw away my razor blades and started using just rubber bands whenever I felt the need to hurt myself. It's a small change but he said baby steps is still good and good for achieving my goal to which is getting better.

I love him dearly, to much where I think I don't even deserve him.

"Hey Kyle," I whispered, looking at him. He hummed, his right hand reaching toward my face. I placed both of my hands ontop of his, sinking into his touch, I've never felt so safe and happy with a person.

"Thank you." I smiled up at him, my eyes staring back into his. His brows rose from shock, he looked taken back. But within seconds he leaned in to kiss my cheek and place a light kiss to my forehead.

"You're welcome." His lips formed a kind smile back at me when he pulled away to reply back.

I messed with his curls, feeling the strains wrap around my finger then letting it coil back up when I let go.

"Can we nap? I feel tired." I covered the incoming yawn with my hand and sighed softly. Kyle nodded, leaning into kiss my head again then began to take off his jacket.

I settled into my bed, pulling the sheets over my body soon he came in to join me right next to me. He cuddled up near me as we both smiled and giggled to each other.

"How about tomorrow we start cleaning, it's friday?" The ginger suggested as his hand landed on my face once again. I thought for a moment, making a few faces but nodding my head in agreement.

"okay"

"yeah?"

"yeah."

He smiled once again, that smile that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.. the smile I remember that made me fall I love with him before we ever started dating.

I smiled myself but hid it away into his neck, putting my arm under his to hold him close to me. The way he smelt always brought me joy and made me feel at home too in a way.

But he was my home.

He's the only home I ever felt happy in.

Funny how a person could feel or be like a home.

I felt his slender hands hold me back, growing comfortable in his spot with me onto him. He began to run his fingers up and down my back from beneath my shirt then scratched it ever so lightly.

I placed a few kisses to his bare neck before closing my eyes to fall asleep.

"i.. love you." I muttered right before my eyes shut.

I could feel him sudden stop, freezing in the moment I could imagine his eyes open wide from just 3 words. Those 3 words I only used so rarely..

The way I felt his heart race within those few seconds of silence as our bodies were so close to one another melted my heart.

"i love you too." He whispered back, continuing to run his fingers against my back.

[portal-geist]

⊹𝒢𝑜𝑜𝒹 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊⊹

Hmm...? I recognise this title... Oh, oh no not my scripts! I must hurry! This is...

𝓝𝓪𝓻𝓻𝓪𝓽𝓸𝓻 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻 𝔁 𝓦𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓓𝓪𝓻𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰

It is such a rare occurrence for the neighborhood. You don't see much other than sunny skies and ocasional snow at the perfect seasons but... It seems that today is a rainy day.

It is not as if I mind however, Barnaby too. He just loves to play in the droplets, Frank sometimes observes snails whenever he's unoccupied.

Though, maybe some others will disagree.

Eddie shivers whenever he enters my home from the cold rain, delivering none-stop. Y7/N4 complains about the waters pouring into their circuits as well as Jullie who cannot play around outside due to the mud...

In my opinion, the pouring droplets and the wet grounds creating sounds of faint chimes are such to adore and motivates my inner narrative spirits.

My voice is who I am as I am the voice of the neighborhood.

With my brightly coloured unbrella in hand, I decided to use my eyes for once. It has been a while since I've went out like this.

The light breeze and the sound of rain echoed around the feilds as I stepped out, looking around the other buildings.

The small puddles collecting on Home's windows seemed to make it look as if crying. The floweres around it swayed as if comforting.

Though Home wasn't the one who was in need of help I'd say.

I may have forgot to mention a single neighbor who absolutely despises the rain due to their pride in beauty.

"You seem to be in a puddle of shame, neighbor."

I leaned over the small friend who was crouching down below the apple tree. Completely disgruntled but not wanting wanting to fade their charming act, they attempted to fix a smile on their face despite their eyes not listening.

Unlike myself of course.

"Ah, Narrator, of course... Please do not see me like this..."

Wally put a hand to hide his messed up appearance as I cast my umbrella over him.

"Oh, Wally Darling. It isn't very usual to ast in such a shy manner."

I smugly said.

"Narrator! This isn't a time for teasing! Where are your manners?"

"Apologies friend. I understand your pride and care in your appearance! How about I guide you back to home, hmm? Does that sound fruitful?"

I eyed the fresh, red apples above, proud of my word play.

Ah, well, of course I have a silver tongue, I am the narrator after all.

"...Thank you."

Brushing his clothes off, Wally stood, stepping underneath the unbrella I pulled close to avoid getting any wet.

The first thing I notice about his appearance was...

His necktie! Oh, dear the poor, beautiul necktie! It was such a prized possession of my dear friend!

"Oh my! We shall fix up that tie of yours as soon as we return! Allow me to lead, Mr.Wally Darling!"

I enthusiastically pointed straight, and began to march towards Home's direction, Mr. Darling following close.

I hummed along a familiar tune when walking, knowing very well it would sooth my friend nerves. It is very efficient with children espeacially! Such a useful and pretty talent I take care with.

Opposing the cold breeze, I felt a stare that burned my soul. It was intense, though I didn't dare question it. It will show eventually.

"May I ask you a question, Narrator?"

Wally asked, trying to tidy his hair.

"Hmm..? Of course. Go ahead little sir."

I replied with curiousity.

"Why do you... Always use my full name instead of just... Wally?"

"Why, do you not feel comfortable?"

"Ah, no, not at all! However... I do feel a sort of distance between us..."

Hmm... I thougt for a moment.

"Well, I simply just think your name is very pretty. 'Wally Darling'... Such a icon for such a star, how can I not enjoy it's charm?"

Wally's head perked up.

"It can be a head full but not a mouth full oh nonono... "

He tilted his head at my words, though I continued.

"In addition, I just cannot simply just call you Darling now, can I? Eh, well, if you desire so of course."

I chuckled at the faint blush on the neighbors cheeks as they widened their eyes slightly.

"Hah, ooooh I am only messing around now... Darling..."

I began to laugh joyfully at Wallys small reaction. What a rare sighting! The smug little man being the one to be smugged!

He grunted in confusion as the tinggling sensasion isn't what he is used to feeling, I whatched with amusement.

"Ahahah... Apologies for my mannerisms... Oh? What's Sally doing out on a raining day?"

Across the sidewalk, Sally Starlet was skipping around.

As I peaked at the peppy starligt who bean to twirl around outside, I felt a sudden pull on my clothes. Wally caught my attention as he pointed at the sky.

Following, I saw that the rain had died down, clouds clearing as the blue and open sky began to make its entrance.

"It seems that the rain quickly passed in a swift huh, neighbor?"

I raised a hand and followed the snail paced clouds.

"It sure did now, Neighbor..."

"Oh, look!"

That was when a colourful rainbow began to cast upon the colourful neighborhood. The neighbors came out of their homes to observe the pretty phenominon.

Barnaby tilted his hat, Jullie hopped over to Frank with excitment, Eddie stopped rushing to take a peak as Poppy cam out with a baskett of bbaked goods. Y7/N4 came out of the shop beside Howdy who was being circled around by Sally who kept on blabbering about the sight.

I felt another hand next to mine as if it was grabbing the rainbow.

It looked as if the hand was shooting a beam out o it's palm.

"Look, Narrator! My beam of love for you!"

Wally chirped with a smile.

I looked back at the small neighbor, startled for a moment before chuckling at his cheeky comment.

"Of course, and my hand to catch allll of the love!"

"What? None for me?"

A familiar voice came from behind.

It was Eddie and Poppy, them waving with glee at the two of us.

Wally was slightly startled as he attempted to fix his appearance.

"None for you~"

I replied with a hum, playfully acting greedy. Eddie played along also acting sad, Poppy giggling at the silly expression.

"Awh, well, how about some cookies?"

Wally gasped, grabbing Poppy's little goodiebag.

"Ah, my favourite! Here Narrator."

Wally shared a piece of the baked goods which I took with grattitude.

No one can resist Poppy's cooking, not even Wally's pride in looks.

Eddie looked at his wrist watch before making a shocked expression and began to hurry away.

"Oh no! I better get going! Make sure to leave some love for me next time!"

"Hah, will do!"

We waved off to Eddie as he clumsily rushed off. By the time he was gone, the rainbow had quickly vanished, leaving no trace of it behind.

I looked at Wally to then face Poppy.

"Thank you Ms. Poppy Partridge. I appreciate the delicious gift! I was just about to drop Wally off back at home."

I gestured to home that was next to us.

"Ah, I see. Have a good afternoon then you two. Make sure to stay healthy and grow!"

"I'm pretty sure my growing spurt had ended years ago..."

"Nonesense! There's a lot to grow in life! Isn't that right Wally?"

Poppy looked down at Wally as well as myself. He nodded innocently to the motherly bird and smirked in my direction. I chuckled once again.

"Well then. Ought to get going you two! Home's waiting."

As that, Poppy kindly waved off to go and meet the others.

I looked at Wally who was already facing me. I smiled as I close my open umbrella, shaking off the water droplets and potential mud.

I eyed the sky, the sun shinning a tune. A tune that showered light on me. My voice felt as if visible. Just like a mad man, I can see sound, I can hear colours.

My voice finally being my story.

My light.

"Narrator? Are you alright?"

Wally snapped me back to reality. I looked back down at the small neighbor and tried to recollect my surroundings. I smiled and sighed softly, shaking my head slightly.

"Apologies, let us head into home and get you tidy now, shall we?"

"Ah, you're willing to help me?"

"Of course! What's a friend who wouldn't?"

I posed with confidence, making sure that Wally understood that I'm willing to be a helping hand.

He gave me a smile with grattitude as home opened it's front doors.

I entered from behind Wally, making sure to be respectful of the house's property.

Making sure to look good on camera, to sound godly on air.

I am the voice, I am the sun's tune.

I can hear your glares, Wally Darling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why hello, Narrator. You are looking daring today!"

"Oh hello to you as well Narrator! You sure are one to talk hm?"

"They've been talking to themselves infront of the mirror for 1 and a half hours now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A/N)

Hope you enjoyed!

I'm glad many of you seem to like it :]

I'm probably gonna switch between robot reader and Narrator reader depending on my mood.

If you want me to write more into their character please let me know! :D

I wrote this in a short amount of time so appologies for that...

I am planning on making like a small explanation post about them so yeah. Ideas are very much appreciated and please notify me if you want me to write a certain thing about these readers with certain neighbors :]

Thank y'all so much! Farewell!

[buildingunderstanding]

I have tried to make it a habit of stirring intention into my coffee every morning. It feels silly to say because it started out as one of those "broom closet friendly witchy things" that felt neat to do when I first tripped down thus rabbit hole, but it has helped me to be a little more present and mindful in the morning. As a person with a dissociative disorder who does not like being present or mindful, this worked as a fun little hack in my goblin brain because it was allowed due to be connected to a special interest.

I've had a rough few days and this morning it was feeling like an obligatory habit. Many things in fact, had been feeling just habit or obligatory, and I have been sort of half heartedly trying to stop doing that.

Part of being dissociated for me isn't just "not being present in the moment" but a really deep disconnected with almost any kind of feeling that isn't dread or anxiety. So while I can tell I've felt more disconnected from really form of practice lately, I haven't figured out how it feels to "apply" myself or to "put my heart into" something. I just...do stuff. I can cognitively say "this is the reason for the doing" or "I want to do this thing (for xyz reasons)", I don't always exactly know what is the actual feeling or emotion behind it. I had a thought and now I am following through with the thought. That's kind of it. When I try to look more closely at it, it gets confusing because I don't know if I'm "feeling" things correctly because I don't understand what people mean when they talk about that concept.

So this morning I was trying to figure out how to get myself to feel genuine enough to want to consider my intention for the day and put that into my coffee and that's when I was prompted with, "Well, what do you want to do today?"

And I thought for a moment and landed on, "I need to get some tidying up done, so motivation to do that, I guess? I want my space cleaner, so motivation."

And the response was along the lines of. "Hm-mm. You want to do those things, so you have the motivation. Think about what specifically you need in this situation."

I thought for a moment, frowning at my coffee for making me think that hard when I hadn't even been awake for an hour and landed on, "Buidung structure. I feel overwhelmed and I don't know where to start in the cleaning process. I need help building structure and organizing how I clean."

Now at this point, I should have known it was Loki, buy it was early, I hadn't been up long, and honestly I'm so used to my system mates, I wasn't thinking about it too hard I was just chatting over morning coffee. But I didn't figure out that's what was going on until I got a response along the lines of, "...You're gonna need Apollo for that one. Some folks consider him the God of Order, right? He's gonna be better for that then me." And just dipped out.

I mean, mad respect for knowing your limits and all, but can I at least get a high five for being present enough to figure out what I needed before drinking my coffee?

[merlumina]

hi there, tumblr

So after quitting all other social media (twitter, instagram, facebook), I found myself 1) pretty lonely tbh and 2) at a loss for how to keep myself creatively motivated and inspired with nowhere to share my work. I'd heard from several people that tumblr is way more chill these days, and while I hesitated at first, I finally decided to give it a try. After a few weeks of waiting from tech support to regain access to my account (pro tip: don't sign up for anything important with your college email address), I regained access yesterday and spent some time doing some tidying up (i. e. deleting most of my old posts and likes).

So...hi! Feels weird to be back. Life has changed so much in the past seven years. It was interesting going back through old posts to relive those times. Since I was last here, this is what I've been up to:

hollowforest and I got married in 2020. While he was unfortunately not able to propose to me at MAGFest after a particularly victorious round of Gundam Xtreme VS, which would have been rad, we settled for eloping at county jail, which is also a cool story.

Ringo, my cat, is still with us! But now we also have a dog, Haru (named after Persona 5 Haru). Yeah I like dogs now. I like pitt bulls now. 2012 me would never.

After years of self-doubt and self-loathing about my life choices, I actually became what I wanted to be when I grew up - a software developer! In late 2020 I took the plunge to do a coding bootcamp and got really lucky being hired into an apprenticeship program before I'd even graduated. Now I'm making those big coding $$$ working from home, literally living the dream and still kind of in awe.

I joined the Diagnosed with ADHD in My 30s club! (Also, I'm in my 30s now)

We bought a house in October, 2022! I did not think it would be possible for the longest time, but due to the big job upgrade we were finally able to afford it.

I've played a lot of video games, but not beaten that many.

I picked up game dev as a hobby and have made a few small games during game jams.

My mental health is overall a lot better now! Part of that is from therapy, part of that is from self reflection, part of that is maybe just growing up. See also: quitting aforementioned social medias.

Improved mental health aside, my hangups about my artistic abilities and creative capacity still haven't improved any in the past 10 years. It's one of my biggest personal insecurities, but also one of the reasons I'm trying Tumblr again! I wanted somewhere to post my practice routine to keep myself accountable, as well as a place to get inspiration from other artists.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep this blog focused on art and personal things that make me happy. After I left Tumblr in 2016 I started working on myself and trying to focus on bringing more empathy into my interactions with others. Whether or not I've been successful at that is another matter, but in general it has helped me be a happier person. I am not interested in participating in Discourse. I don't think you can judge the "goodness" of a human based on a handful of things they've said/done online, and I won't be made to cast judgment on anyone. I think we should spend less time tearing down people in our own communities and more time asking why it's so easy for the people in power to trick us into fighting each other. In general, the overall vibe that everyone's social media account is a personal soapbox where they can make declarations about what is Right and what people Should be doing makes me uncomfortable. So I'm going to try not to do any more of that here. I do like still having those discussions sometimes, but I prefer a more personal venue, where I feel like I'm talking with people rather than at them.

Let's be cool to each other! -Liz / merlumina

[everythingisliminal]

Life Reflections

Well, I've come to the end of my 75 Hard/Soft run. Here's what I've learned over the past few months:

I don't need more discipline.

I do need a healthier relationship with myself.

I did 75 Hard for about a month. I loved the concept of overhauling my lifestyle and just committing to focusing on my health. However, meeting my daily goals meant forgoing other healthy activities like cleaning dishes, sleeping, getting in electrolytes, etc. Eventually I was so overwhelmed that I fell into the depression pit and had to reassess: I could keep up with 75 Hard but feel broken by the end, or I could acknowledge that this challenge wasn't for me and modify my goals and be gentler with myself. I decided on the later.

That lasted until I got food poisoning, which nerfed me for a week and wrecked the habits I'd developed. Combined with other life things, I slowly slid back into the depression pit. I could barely get myself to work. I was having communication problems. I had no motivation to follow any kind of workout plan. I haven't been able to apply to any new jobs despite really needing to.

Luckily I'd already requested some days off work to watch the Crossfit Games live. It's the few days a year I put everything on hold and just watch my games. There was a lot of downtime those first couple days (iykyk), which I used to crochet, read Atomic Habits, watch Midwest Magic Cleaning videos, and self reflect.

I realized I've never had the level of fitness I've wanted because I'm so focused on working out I've neglected everything else that goes with health. I don't have a solid foundation of eating well, maintaining my space regularly, resting, and recognizing / thinking through body cues. I've metaphorically been trying to do calculus without first working through trigonometry.

And slowly I started cleaning my apartment. Lit a candle, took out all the trash, watched the next event. Cleaned parts of the bathroom, watched the next event. Vacuumed. Two days of this and one of the first things my friend said when she came over yesterday afternoon was "wow, your apartment is so clean!"

Just now I walked through my apartment with hand bells and, my goodness, what a change. A slow upward spiral of taking care of myself and my space so that we both feel more airy and light. In both cases, I essentially cleansed the main walking space. I didn't open cupboards or closets (so the energy is still heavy there), but my space is habitable again.

This is where I want to build consistency. The more consistently I tidy/cleanse, the less overwhelming the task will be. Focusing on visual improvements to the bigger picture, and then taking on 3x3ft areas as I feel ready. Focus on one cupboard, focus on one stagnant or chaotic space inside myself.

So starting 75 Hard was hella helpful, in that I learned how it does not reflect my actual needs and desires. It turned me to goo so that I could recognize my true chrysalis.

[hurryupmerlin]

There's a lot going on in my life and today has been hard, cos I spent all day fighting a mental breakdown. I mean, it was just a question of time, really. I've felt it coming for weeks. But I still wish I could feel something else.

So here's a diary entry in hopes of someday reading it and thinking "man, things have be shit but it turned out just fine after all."

In January I posted my to do list for 2024 here. More than half a year has passed since then and unfortunately nothing from this list is checked off and there has been gradually less good news to report with each new month.

All my life I have never had the stamina to learn an instrument. When I stumbled across Handpans, the opportunity arose to change that. I've since been to two beginner workshops and the organizer was gracious enough to lend me a handpan for a month. I was really motivated to follow through with his 17-days-challenge because I knew if I could manage to play every day, even if it was just a few minutes, I had a real chance of forming a habit and finally fulfilling my dream of mastering an instrument. But my days were long. I set up the handpan a few times at ten o'clock at night or even later, completely exhausted. And then came the executive dysfunction. Every day I see her standing there. Every day I want to play it. Every day something in my head blocks me of setting it up. The fear of having to explain to Pierre that I've only played it 5 times this month eats away at me. I want to play. But I can't. And in four days, the month will be over and I'll have to give it back. He'll then ask me if Handpan isn't for me after all. And I'll say: "Yes, it is. It makes me happy. It's fun. It's healing something inside of me. I can let go of the world when I'm just playing for myself. But my broken ADHD brain won't let me and I don't have the money to buy my own and stash it in the closet for the few times a year that I have the strenght to set it up and play." It feels like losing. Like I missed my one chance for something great, that could've changed me for the better.

When I moved into the house, I had these fantasies of sitting at my desk in my tidy, light-filled beautiful room. Drawing digitally, writing, singing. Painting on canvas and composing music. But my aunt interfered in my life and the building site has been frozen ever since. I live between masking film and plaster dust. I've been incapacitated and feel so powerless and helpless. I want progress. And I want my art back.

And then there's the matter of the dog. That goddamn dog Kröte. My colleague told me there's a technical term for when you make a terribly bad financial decision and then cling to it, pouring more and more money and resources into it in the desperate hope of turning it around. She couldn't remember the term, tho. I could be so happy with just my own dog, but instead I've brought this beast into the house. Because of which my own dog has to spend every day alone at home and because of which my neighbors hate me. Because of which my house stinks of piss and because of which my ears are ringing with barking.

My car has been giving me problems since September last year. I've lost track of how many thousands of euros I've spent trying to get the recurring fault fixed. Something between 4500-6000 euros. Most recently it was in the workshop for a month. What's more, after every repair, another new fault occurs. I can't take any more. Emotionally and financially. My aunt's friend is urging me to take it back to his garage. But I thought I'd made myself clear when I said "if it's not fixed this time, I'll keep driving it until the engine fails and I break down." I was supposed to bring my car over today. Which of course I wasn't told directly again, but via the old game of wisper down the lane. Which I said before I will not accept any longer. I put my cell phone on airplane mode afterwards. I can't do it anymore. It's Saturday and I finally needed a day off. I've been borrowing spoons from the future for days - my body told me very clearly that I had overspent.

Things aren't going well at work either. It's not news that we're bankrupt. But the way our bosses and colleagues treat us graphic designers is now unacceptably disrespectful. I am the only employee left who is still interested in contributing her own ideas in order to offer the company advantages and new opportunities. That makes me stand out - in a negative way. Because thinking along might officially be required, but since it also shows where the problems lie, it's actually unwanted. The very real fear of losing my job while being in debt so badly is gnawing on me every day. I am on the hit list. They just need me to finish a few projects first.

Despite all this I cling to hope.

[photographertherapistblogger2]

So thought I'd write my feelings and negative thoughts away again. This week I've had alot thrown at me,  one is around the death of my son and counselling. First session was good because I went there and released alot of upset and ways of thinking, I basically explain how and why I felt the way I do, it was an eye opener to me because I didn't realise I knew myself that well if that makes any sense whatsoever. Anyway I carried explaining what I've been doing since losing my child and he basically gave me the biggest positive chat and explained that I'm doing all the right things to help me heal mentally and that he didn't think that I need psychological help. Which in my head is good and bad, good because I needed to be validated and released emotions I knew were there about not being good enough and taking the pressure off myself. On the other hand the bad is i feel like i need support to help keep me motivated and keep up the techniques so I don't get overwhelmed by it all. I mean recently alot of the stuff I'm doing is based on self reflection and mindfulness even the course I'm doing which I feel has helped me.

Anyway after seeing this counsellor I explained that I still hadn't received any news or information on the autopsy of my baby and that I have been dreaming about him or something similar because I've just gone over his year anniversary which has been hard. I feel a little let down because I have been trying to chase it up with no answers. I know they get busy but I feel like I've been left to my own devices and left to sit in my feelings hence why I tried just moving on as best as I can, which is distracting myself and trying to be social able at the same time. Although I have had alot of opportunities this year and last year already I feel they have helped me massively bring up my confidence. And finally feel like the person I aimed to be before everything happened and not just losing my son but everything else. I mean doing my course in personal development has been great this week because I openly spoke about mindfulness and what I've been doing which is something I never thought I could do, ok I aimed to get to that and this past year has focused on that alot which makes me happy and proud that I can do that without actually thinking oh shit I don't wanna do this etc.

You know I've tried learning new things without getting frustrated which is what I would normally be like so to be that's me using and achieving opportunities given to me which is another thing I'm proud of. If I'm being honestly thinking about it I've overcome of alot of stuff I would never thought I would get past and had a goal in mind and asked myself of I've done it once why can't I do it again, pretty much life after seeing that counsellor I thought if I can heal myself mentally why can't I do it physically too. Anyway after all that positive thinking I had a phone call to ask when I can go in to speak about my pregnancy and my sons autopsy which totally took me off guard, so I'm waiting for them now to organise a day for me which has made me anxious because I kinda want to know but nervous about what it might say or if it was my fault etc. I know I'm probably being silly but feel like I need to talk about it abit.

Not only have I had all of that going on I'm being struggling financially due to trying to get presents for my kids birthdays soon and it just seems never ending with kids breaking glasses and feeling frustrated that i need storage to help me tidy my flat and not being able to provide properly for my kids at times. I kinda had a moment and let it all out and cried on the phone to my mom about it, that j was frustrated because my ex wants more input in kids lives yet I paid for uniforms, glasses, trips and different appointments yet he does nothing to be apart of there life only seeing them and I'm really not comfortable with him seeing them because he doesn't look after them proper in my eyes and yeah I get he's trying but he don't know the half the stuff I do for our kids. I know I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself for giving them what they don't receive off him but I'm just protecting them as I've always done. I dunno why I can't stop doing it for them.

Talking about my kids brings me onto my childhood trauma myself, which is hard because I know I never felt loved as a child and again felt like I was neglected mentally which is probably why I don't want the same for my kids because I know how it feels. Yet when I went over to Worcester this weekend and my dad was showing my kids old photos of me and people who have been in our life and family. I came across a photo of me and I must of been 6-7 years old and i had the biggest smile on my face and that really hit home for me. I don't remember being that happy as a child but then I also remembered what happened years after that photo. I mean I've been through alot since that photo and feel a little sad but then I'm proud of where I've got too. I wonder what my innerchild thinks of me, is it that negative self talk that I was probably shown when I was younger is does she grieve I'm beautiful and successful in life. Is she happy with what I've achieved and does she love me because I'm trying to bring her back out into my life and make her feel safe. I do feel guilty because of all those years I didn't know what she needed but I am now actively trying to do what I can to figure that out and give her what she needs.

So far tonight I have had a bath and kept saying to myself that this water cleanses me and I release everything that doesn't serve me now or this water cleanses away all my negative thoughts and energy's that I have picked up today and tonight it just felt different. I want to move forward in life and re-enter my experiences as more positive ones. I get that sometimes I may need to rest and then restart but I know I will always be there for myself now I have some tips and techniques to help me overcome it. The next few weeks I'm doing research ok I have already started it but I want to research self esteem and how to build it back up and be proud of the steps I might have already taken but not realised was the best thing to do. I'm gonna be focusing on all the positive and good things I've done so far to motivate me and be proud of who I am. 

[boylikeanangel]

ok I've been avoiding saying this for a bit cuz I didn't wanna ruin anyone's fun and I love the whole "ed tries to kill stede when he returns in s2 via dramatic gay swordfight" as much as the next girl but the thing is that I REALLY don't think there's gonna be this whole deal about ed being furious with stede and unable to forgive him like I really don't think that's where this is going. stay with me on this one please <3

not to be like "you're misunderstanding the text" about all this cuz the narrative does not treat stede as if he's innocent in this situation for breaking ed's heart but I really do think people are forgetting that period in between ed returning and becoming blackbeard again where he was just?? sad?? not even angry, just dejected and hopeless. he wasn't plotting revenge, in fact it's pretty heavily implied he was plotting suicide by the time lucius gets around to him. he's absolutely wrecked by stede leaving him, yeah, but not once does he turn those emotions outward. if anything hiding himself away for days suggests to me that he simply felt foolish. of course stede didn't love him back. he should've seen this coming, but in spite of all that, he loves stede, so he surrounds himself with the all the things the man he cannot have left behind, and wallows. he's hanging onto the happy memories of stede, his fine fabrics and his nice food, because if he lets go of what little he has left, he may as well curl up into a ball and die. and after his chat with lucius he's on the up - tidying and singing and planning fun activities for his crew - he's not angry! he's trying to move on in earnest and find new purpose and happiness without stede! throughout all of this, not once does he express anger or resentment towards stede. he died when stede left him, yes, but now life is beginning again. he truly does believe he can begin anew with the power of all the things stede taught him.

and when he stumbles from this path and reverts back into blackbeard, he doesn't do this because he's angry at stede, either. he does it because again, he feels foolish. he feels insecure and weak, feels unsafe being just edward. he thinks the only way forward is to fall into old habits, because being ed is scary and new and he thinks he doesn't deserve to try, and whilst blackbeard is someone he desperately does not want to be again, he knows he can do it, whilst edward needs to watch his step. once again, it's on HIM, not stede. he throws away his silk, his heart, because he cannot have a heart as long as there is love in there for stede. being heartless is better than being heartbroken. it's vitally important to realise that ed does all of this not because he hates stede, but because he still loves him. despite himself, he cannot stop loving stede, and that is the most dangerous thing in the world when you're trying to become a monster. throwing all of stede's things into the ocean and marooning his crew, quite literally destroying all of the things that remind him of stede, is not the behaviour of someone who is no longer in love!! he has to literally kill everyone and everything that has a connection to stede because he doesn't trust himself to commit to being blackbeard as long as he has these ties to the man who keep him wanting to be edward! the only thing ed keeps, of course, is the lighthouse painting. as a reminder. a reminder to not be stupid again. a reminder that his love will lead him to destruction. you're supposed to avoid lighthouses, don't you know that? you got drawn in by the light and cracked up on the rocks, and it's your own stupid fault. you'll never make that mistake again now you've learned the hard way.

now I'm not saying stede is free of blame here, don't get me wrong. ed's motivation for throwing away the silk was definitely tied to stede - he was reminded of the thing his mother told him, that he's not the kind of person who deserves good things, and stede leaving him was the final proof of that. from ed's perspective he was just another one of stede's playthings, something for him to entertain himself with until he finally got bored and abandoned him to go back to his old life. but my point is that it's extremely important to recognise that those misunderstandings come from a place of pre-existing self loathing on ed's part. stede's abandonment simply confirmed all of ed's worst fears and insecurities. of course stede was really just some bored rich boy. of course I was just a toy to him. of course we could never be happy together. I should have known better than to believe something so stupid. haven't I been told as much all my life? he believes all of this because he had already been taught from a young age that he's not the kind of person that gets to love and be loved. stede DEFINITELY has some apologising to do, but this isn't about ed forgiving stede. it's about him opening up his heart again after he took every effort to close it up forever. it's about him choosing to believe that all the things he told himself were wrong. and that's a decision he has to make for himself, not something stede can magically fix by getting on his knees and grovelling.

i've said before that if season 1 is the emancipation of stede bonnet, then season 2 is going to be the emancipation of edward teach. I have full confidence that season 2 will focus heavily on ed's character and his journey to self acceptance - his struggle with unlearning the idea that "edward" and "blackbeard" are two totally separate people and accepting that all these different sides of him are parts of the same person, and stede will help him reach that point by showing him that he's lovable for all of his parts, not just the bits that he personally considers palatable - and that can't happen if he spends the whole time trying to kill stede. stede's return will likely kickstart his arc for the season. in other words, stede's return is not the resolution to edward's problems, but the beginning of his journey to fixing them. stede showing up and loudly proclaiming his love for ed, even when he looks like this, is going to be the inspiration he needs to start really working on himself, to become someone worthy of stede's unconditional love. ed desperately needs stede's presence in his life - he needs that soft guiding light to keep him on track, needs someone to break him out of his destructive chains of thought, someone to shake some sense into him. stede is good for ed, and he knows it. it was only when ed loved stede, and couldn't have him, or believed stede didn't love him back, that he lost all sense. stede showing up with his new prince charming swag is going to leave ed with no room to doubt how wrong he was. stede is a lighthouse, and he's going to be so full on with his love-crazed tunnel vision it will quite literally be blinding. ed won't have the CHANCE to ignore him!!!

so if we do get the epic homoerotic swordfight of our dreams upon their reunion in season 2, I truly don't think it'll be because ed is angry with stede or actually does want to hurt him. it'll be his defense mechanisms kicking in once again. he's blocking out any hope of a second chance. he's not going kill stede because he's angry he left - he's going to kill him because knowing he came back is too good to be true. if he does want to fight stede, it'll be because he's trying desperately to convince both of them that he doesn't need stede or his love. that he's just blackbeard now. edward teach is dead, and blackbeard has no use for the romantic hero here to rescue him. blackbeard doesn't need saving. blackbeard can kill stede bonnet easily. which is going to make it all the more delicious when he realises he can't. when he realises that he does want to be saved. he does want to be loved. he wants to believe he deserves it. and who is he to say no to a man so willing to give him all of those things?

[whetstonefires]

8 & 9 for the ask game!

8. What kind of document do you use to you write? Microsoft Word? Google Docs? Straight in the AO3 text box?

I have been using an expired copy of Microsoft Word 2010 this whole time--we bought it as a two-disc bundle in actual 2010 and then 6 years later the second copy was still there when I got a new laptop, and now it's 6 years after that. And they stopped supporting the software when it was 11 years old. Eesh. Time.

The fact that it kept nagging me about not being supported didn't worry me too much, since I don't think even a widely utilized word processor is a major hacking target, and Microsoft having pivoted to a subscription model had every reason to be a bitch about using an obsolete version.

But its autosave feature was getting less and less useful, so after losing a lot of work a month and a half ago in a computer crash I finally got around to switching to the open-source LibreOffice, which autosaves restoration data of your current workstate every ten minutes, and also has this nice little floppy disc icon at the bottom of the page that turns red when you've modified the doc since your last formal save, and you can click it to fix that so it turns soothingly black again. Which is nice! Working great for me so far!

So now it's LibreOffice.

I also have Scrivener, but so far I'm exclusively using it to draft one single novel very slowly. All my fic so far is done in a basic word processor.

I can't handle Googledocs ideologically lmao, I don't like trusting Google with my data and I don't like not having backup copies of past drafts Just In Case and I don't like trusting Google to not lose my data and I really don't like needing to have internet to access and alter my files.

And the fact that it strips formatting when you copy-paste is extra motive to not rely on it for fic, because having to either use a special import widget or manually re-enter all my italics would drive me to drink. No google docs.

I tried drafting a chapter straight into AO3 textbox once to see if it helped overcome writer's block. It did not.

9. What’s your favorite line(s) or scene(s) that you have written?

I...this is definitely a moving target? Can people normally answer this? I think if I knew what my favorite thing I've ever done is for sure it'd be really depressing because everything else would naturally be measured relative to it. My personal Mount Fuji.

Also I'm going to be real there's like a 90% chance whatever it is has never seen the light of day because it's good enough I can't bring the surrounding narrative architecture up to par so it's Unfinished Work.

I have over a million words on AO3 how am I supposed to????? I can't.

...also my current focus project is this hilariously long E-rated smut fic on my shiny new nsfw alt, where I'm systematically figuring out what you can do narratively with a sex scene, now that I've challenged myself to figure out how to write them and succeeded. So even if I determined the current answer at this moment, there's a non-zero chance it would turn out to be a really tidy piece of porn choreography.

Currently the technical challenge of describing the relative positions of bodies in space both accurately and engagingly is still entertaining me, though the fun is wearing off so I will probably have finished my erotica phase by autumn lmao.

Let's see. A fave, chosen at semi-random. Recently I was rereading Top Guide to try to get that updating again and found I still get a weird amount of joy out of the bit where Tifa throws tea in Genesis' face and books it, after determining through conversation that his morals are hella janky and they cannot be friends.

That whole sequence with the weird tea party wasn't a huge technical achievement or Perfect in any way really, but the experience of writing it was nice; it just came together really smoothly and I didn't second-guess myself or have to stop and seriously rework it or anything. I could feel the benefit of experience working for me as I put it together and it was nice.

I also liked it for the character because she didn't make a huge production of it but it's such a dramatic thing to do.

Thanks for asking! :D

[cakesexuality]

I find that when I set just a regular alarm on my phone to remind me to do something, I often dismiss it and don't do the thing bc I don't feel like it, but I use an app called MediSafe that harasses you over and over until you either take your meds or skip them, and you can also track how much is left of a med or how long it's been since you used an as-needed med

Sometimes, my problem isn't about remembering but about actually wanting to take them, where I know I need to but I'm not fully convinced to take them, so I find it helpful to call someone up during those times either to have the accountability of someone knowing I've taken them or so I can talk through why I need them in order to convince myself to take them

Or have a little treat (food or non-food) to motivate yourself!! I remember a time in high school where I was depressed and struggling to use my steroid inhaler, but I had a case of pop, so I'd tell myself I wouldn't have any pop until I'd had my 4pm Alvesco, and that helped me quite a bit with staying on top of my steroid

And going off of OP's first point about a pill box, try out different pill boxes to find one you like the most!! I've tried different ones over the years and am currently on one that's actually 7 pill boxes with 4 slots each and they all pop into a tray together, so I can grab a full day's worth of pills if I'm leaving the house and have them all with me when I need them. Pill boxes are especially helpful if your pills aren't the same every day -- my Jencycla is 2 days on, 2 days off and my Seroquel dosage changes depending on the day of the week.

If you have multiple meds that aren't a pill, consider putting them together in a container of some kind so they're tidy -- I keep my Alvesco and Omnaris together in a small tray beside my pill box

remembering to take your medication every day can be hard sometimes, so here are some ways you can make it easier to remember:

use a pill organizer

set alarms on your phone

take your meds at the same time(s) every day

keep your meds close by or somewhere you go to every day (nightstand, bathroom, kitchen counter)

have someone remind you to take your meds

develop a morning/nightly routine which involves taking your meds

take your meds with a meal

remember to be kind to yourself, it’s not the end of the world if you miss a day or two. but taking your meds every day is vital for recovery and stability - you wouldn’t want to forget it!

[adhd-witching]

Paralysis and Self Doubt

DISCLAIMER: All entries on this blog are made to simply share my thoughts, progress, and experiences as I live them. I am not an educator, I am not a medical professional, I am just a pagan witch with ADHD. I am not asking for sympathy, and I am not trying to gain attention, I am here to talk about how my disability affects my day to day life and progress as a practitioner.

Warning for talks of depression and being a general downer. This is just how I'm feeling today, and I think it's important to share because this side of witchcraft and deity worship isn't talked about very often.

My executive dysfunction is terrible today.

My plan for today from yesterday was for me to wake up, get dressed, deliver the readings I owe people, finish filling out my forms to send in for disability, and spend the day cleaning and organizing.

That did not happen.

Instead, I woke up, and I have not moved from my bed. I have not gotten dressed. As of 6:30 PM EST, I haven't eaten anything but half a bagel with cream cheese early this morning. I spent a good portion crying because I feel like a failure.

I feel paralyzed, and no matter how much I beg my mind to allow me to just stand up and do the things I need to do, my body will not listen.

I'm disappointed, because I thought I was finally starting to improve. I thought I was getting better. My dosage of Adderall had been upped the last time I saw my doctor, and it only made a difference for a couple of days. When I made this blog, my plan was to talk about how proud I was of myself for tidying up the house and setting up a brand new altar as a chance for me to talk about how good it felt to be so motivated. I never even got to that part. I stopped cleaning one day and I never started again, so everything piled all back up and I'm back to square one.

I desperately want to be able to function as a person, do daily rituals, and spend my time researching and learning. I want so badly to be able to spend hours upon hours reading about the gods, learning every epithet and story so I discuss them in depth with my friends and fellow worshippers, but most days I can't even move because I am simply frozen.

Many of the people I know are so dedicated to their practice, and it's so, so beautiful. They are able to meditate with their gods regularly, make the time for rituals and have the most beautifully decorated altars, and know those gods inside and out. They're all able to have in depth discussions with one another about praxis, about the deeper meaning behind certain texts, and as much as I love that for them and am happy for them. I also feel as if I'm never going to measure up to that.

With my ADHD, studying and remembering facts is so hard for me, and I never really learned how to take effective notes. Every time I try to open a book, or try to read a page of text, my brain goes blank. The words look like soup, I can't comprehend or retain anything. When I leave food offerings, what ends up happening most of the time is I forget they exist, which of course makes them.... gross.

I ask myself: "If I can't even make myself put on clothes, how can I effectively learn and grow as a worshipper and a witch?"

I feel useless. I feel incapable of giving my deities the love and attention they deserve, because I can barely give myself the love and attention I deserve. I don't even have my altar set up because I can't get out of bed, and when I do I'm too exhausted to make the time to arrange it. I feel like because I'm in such a rut, I'm not worthy or interesting enough to contribute to these discussions, and it sometimes feels like I'm excluded from them. All I have right now are the conversations I manage to have with the gods on my own. I've been doing this for several years now, and while I've had my ups and downs, this general sense of being overwhelmed and stuck is typical for me. I wake up, I watch the clock and beg my body to allow me to move, the sun starts to set, and before I know it another day has gone by with me accomplishing literally nothing.

I love to learn. I love learning about magic. I love learning about the gods. I love finding out new ways to practice, or new spells, or finding out something new about one of the deities I'm close with. I also love to sing, I love to draw, and I love to write.

Lately, I don't feel enthusiasm for any of those things. It's been this way for a long time.

I'm not asking for advice, or ways to fix this. It's not something that anyone can really change except for me, and the way to do that is by being patient with myself and waiting for my appointment to get my ADHD med dosage changed. I know that the gods love me and care about me regardless of my mental health or disability, and I know there's not any deadline for me to meet when it comes to progress. It's still hard to feel like everyone around me is having so much success, but my stress and insecurity is not anyone else's responsibility.

I bought John Beckett's Paganism in Depth as an audiobook to hopefully allow me to at retain information by listening to someone else talking. I've found reading books is a bit easier for me this way. If anyone has any good audiobook recommendations on witchcraft or paganism, feel free to send them in an ask or on my main blog.

The reason I am sharing this is because I want to document how I feel now, so that future me can look back on this time and (hopefully) reflect on how far I've come. I also want others to see that they are not alone in feeling this way. I'm sure this is a very common problem for witches and pagans suffering from executive dysfunction and mental illness, but it's not something that's talked about very often. I want to be transparent about my progress, which means being transparent about my lack of progress, too.

If you've read my ramblings this far, thank you so much. I hope you have a fantastic rest of your day.

[faaun]

god mei, your essay posting is really relatable but also so concerning??? i hope you'll get a few days of rest sometime soon, to recharge and calm down and breathe, because what you're going through isn't good for you (but you know that) and i'm worried about your health?

also, you could try & super glue your glasses back together, especially if it's just a little piece that fell off, i did that with mine when the whole frame broke right before Christmas :)

and i know you didn't ask for his advice, so feel free to ignore it but - would it help you if you had someone who reminded you when your essays are due & when to start writing them? because like, realistically, you can't procrastinate on every essay, especially not if that's stressing you out so much, and idk, someone who would remind you of your essays early on sounds maybe like a good idea? doesn't have to be someone from your uni, could be an internet friend, but like. you're hurting yourself, and that's not good, mei.

i hope you'll be able to finish your essay in time & fix your glasses & pls take some pain medication against the cramps, and breathe for a bit, okay? 💓🌟

hihihi starlight !!!! i appreciate this so so so much !! i tried to superglue it together but the superglue fell off :( maybe the texture of the metal ? im not sure :(( for now i'm using tape :')

ALSO I SUBMITTED IT AND IT'S DONE FINALLY BUT ALSO I FEEL LIKE IT'S GENUINELY BAD IF ANYONE WANTS TO PROOFREAD IT LMK bc i can resubmit it until an hour later . anyway !! it's done !

ur right it does genuinely hurt my health a lot every time this happens and it's rly not sustainable but unfortunately literally every single essay i've done, this has happened :( i think the procrastination thing isn't that i forget, it's that i don't have the energy/motivation/focus to do the essay until i literally have to scrape by :( it's rly unhealthy but idk how to fix it and it's been an issue my entire life but obviously uni is like . worse bc the deadlines have more pressure behind them and the essays are harder etc etc it rly is painful though :(

i'm back home now (like just got back maybe 2 mins ago, i think i left in a big panic and i was looking for stuff so my entire room is like . all ovee the place unfortunately! my plan is to tidy up a little, change, take off makeup, wash face, and just lie down for however long i want :)) i'm so so so happy it's over and i'm so happy my friend was there to help and pull me out of panic mode and while i still have exam essays in a few weeks, i dont have to do anything massive like this ever again !! :D

also ur so sweet and i appreciate ur concern so much ur so great and considerate thank you so so so much for this ask !

[sharpwin101]

“EVERYTHING I DID, I DID FOR YOU”

N.B. Hey guys, I'm re-uploading this narrative due to previous grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. mistakes. I'm completely bad at proofreading lol, and didn't take the time to read over, but after receiving some very impactful feedbacks on twitter, it gave me the motivation I needed to somewhat correct these mistakes🤞hopefully enough, finishing this fanfic, which I must say I'm quite excited for you guys to read.

  S2 EP16 “EVERYTHING I DID, I DID FOR YOU”,

  CHAPER 1

I don't get it?  As tears stream down her cheeks,

Her thoughts raced as she remained in front of her bathroom mirror long enough to get agitated by her own self-pity. 

She understood that harboring such feelings would not only be self-destructive, but would keep her trapped, she was mentally stronger, and refuses to let it sabotage the barrier she has construct throughout the years.

She knew conquering and embracing Max’s indecisiveness, was just a question of time. That continues to fail him terribly, repeatedly, to define them, what they meant to each other, wondering how much longer, if not impossible, it will be for him to embrace and overcome his own fetters to unleash what he truly feels. 

Will he ever? she’s impel to believed, naively unaware of her imperceptiveness to his true desire, behind his barriers, causing her to suspect mistakenly,

Questing “does he feels the same” 

She paces back and forth, flipping her heels off with a small grimace, scattering them on the floor.

Fervently turning to her living room, with an instant wipe of her tears, in the direction of the liquor cupboard, pulling the first wine bottle her hand came across, desperate for a wine opener, she run-walk towards the kitchen, leaving nearly all of the drawers open while probing through.

She spotted the opener. Yes, yes! Clutches it obstinately, relieved. 

As she holds the bottle inverted between her knees, she struggled to open it a bit, her mind still being indistinct after their encounter, temporarily forgotten how to open the wine bottle.

(The wine cork flew free)

She hastily turns it to her head, gulping it down as if she didn't have time to consume it a bit slower, inadvertently spilling it on her. 

Crap!

Returning to the bathroom in search of her robe, while undressing herself and gulping more wine down her throat.

Being the clean freak she is, immediately after, she brought her clothing towards the laundry room, as she senses the impending intoxication looming over her.

(Crash)The wine bottle slipped from her deft grip and shattered on the floor. 

she slowly slumped to the floor, leaning against the laundry door for support grappling to sit up. While her clothes slowly unfold from her arms, As she casts a longing glare into space.

She ruminate aloud, frustratedly. 

What is wrong with me? Staring up towards the roof, as though she was seeking answers to all of life's unanswered questions from a greater Entity.

Why I’m I so unlucky?

I fought on, knowing that I wasn't even sure whether I'd be ready too, if you chose me then or now, she added, laughing.

All the walls I've worked so hard to build, comes crumbling down whenever I see, I can’t comprehend it. 

As she gently holds the nape of her neck, breathing deeply, with her left hand  supporting her head, while facing down. I don't want to lose control; I can't lose control.

You say these significant things,

you look at me in the way you do, and then you do nothing?  How can I fight for that?

You asked me why I did what I did, despite the fact that you already knew the answer. I asked you to define us; 

what exactly, this, we are?  as she motioned for answers

I've given you so much, and I tried so hard not to but it's as if all my rationale goes out the window when you're in danger. (laughing sarcastically at her self). 

For God sake, you yelled at me.......... whenever I try to help.

I have these fantasies about you before getting out of bed, I've tried to ignore it; believe me, I have (laughing) 

now I'm just here talking to myself.

As her gaze wandered around the room, she became irritated by the smashed wine bottle. 

   “ FIGHT FOR US”,

CHAPERT 2

(KNOCKING) She tilted her head, confusedly glancing towards the front door, wondering if it was the alcohol or someone was actually at the door.

Struggling to get up from the floor, as she continues to listen attentively to hear whether the knocking was coming from her front door. She slightly slipped when grabbing for her phone on the kitchen counter, to check the time.

11:43pm

Tightening her robe as she wiped her face, pondering, a few names flashed through her mind, But why would they not call? silently muttering to herself. Her phone started to ring as soon as the knocking ceased. Resuming her attention to her phone, which lids up, displaying "Dr. Max Goodwin” with a slight discontent look, she responded, still gazing at the door, nervously biting down on her index finger.

What, what do you want? She answered. 

"I'm at your door; will you let me in?". Quickly swallowing her saliva, her heart races, instantly lowering her phone to her side, with a million thoughts rushes through her head as she looked at the messed she had created, quickly ending his call. She began picking up her clothes from the floor and rushed to the washroom, staring at her flushed face, unbothered at this point and didn't care whether he noticed she was crying.

She trudged towards the front door, spotting her bed slippers and pulls them on.  Briefly pausing before opening the door.

There he was, standing in front of her. Casually dressed, in blue jeans, a grey    t-shirt, and his black jacket, which she had seen him in before.

Trying not to look into his eyes, but he has already peered right into hers. Struck by how small and delicate she looks outside the walls of the hospital, becoming completely lost in her eyes, unable to speak. 'Um, I... What are you doing here? she asked, before he could finish his sentence.

Were you crying? With a slight head tilt, she rolled her eyes irritably as she turns her back on him, leaving the door ajar. What are you doing here, Max?, her voice raised rather than normal. The frustration in her voice perplexed him. I wanted to ‘Um, before noticing the shattered wine bottle on her floor. 

As she reaches to get the mob and dustpan from the storage area adjacent to her kitchen. He watches her as she teeters, shutting the drawers that she left open earlier.

As she approaches the spilt wine on the floor, she kept her eyes lowered trying not to look him into his. He detects her shakiness as she extends the broom over the shattered wine bottle. No! he said, with no intent, to say it so loudly. Reaching his hands towards the broom.

Let me help, she still persisted. He gently withdrew the broom from her grasp when she walked away towards another section of her apartment, as his eyes followed her.

He disposed the shattered glass in the trash can, placing the mob and dustpan into the already opened storeroom.

In search of her, he returned to the living room area. noticing she had her back to him, curled up on her couch in a sitting position, fully wrapped in a blanket that matches the color of his shirt.

He stood behind her for minute before approaching.

Placing his hand on her shoulder as he walks to the side of the couch. She shivers at his touch just enough for it to go unnoticed while still looking down.

Seating next to her, he tries to get her attention. Helen, she did not respond. I'm sorry.... As he questioned. Are you okay? Placing her right palm on her forehead, displaying a tiny discomfort. She muttered, I have a minor headache. ‘Um, do you have any pain relievers? Instantly patted his forehead after, quickly realizing she wouldn't be able to take it seeing that she was drinking. Hastily corrects himself, do you want me to make you some tea? she fixes her gaze on him.

Please let me make you tea, while he makes his usual puppy eyes at her.

She gave her approval with a nod. Where are your…...? Instructing him with a finger while drawing the blanket back up to her shoulders. He stood up lively, walking towards her kitchen, absolutely taken aback by how tidy and organized her apartment looked.

Already knowing what kind of tea because they both enjoy it the same, reaching into the pantry for the box of tea bags on the lower shelf, pulling a cup from the washer and placing it on the hot water kettle. He spoons in 1/2 teaspoon of sugar exactly how she likes it. While leaning his back on the counter.

As he waited for the water to heat up, he indulged in his thoughts, gazing around her kitchen.

The whistling from the kettle stopped, with relieved he turned around, adding the hot water to the tea bag and returning to her,

With a wide smile on his face, he hands her the cup, she noticed he didn't have his wedding ban, she looked into his eyes as her hands extends to take the cup. He noticed that she noticed, with a little distance between them, he sat beside her in silence. 

on her third sip of tea, he glances at her and proceeded to apologize.

I should never have let you walk out that door, ‘I, I.... I have tried to hide this.  It's been hard,

It almost drove me completely insane. As she looked at him, intently listening 

I've tried to hold back, since the day we met.......................... It's been eating me alive knowing I felt this way while being married and had already started a family,

but I can't deny that I haven't felt this, not any more, he remarked, shaking his head.

For the longest time, I felt guilty, knowing I had felt this way about you,

if I let you slip out of my life, without trying, to fighting for us, I will not survive it, 

I see you, Helen. it’s just that sometimes it takes me a minute, to remember what matters more than anything, you.

He drew closer to her, as she sets the tea cup on the center table. Helen, 

I’m ready to fight. Fight for you, for Us. 

Every time you've been near me, I've wanted to do stuff to you, imagining what it would be like. 

You are undeniably BEAUTIFUL and sexy, and I need to have you, in all the ways I have been dreaming of.

She swallows her nonexistent saliva as he got closer. With her mouth partially open, uncontrollably batting her eyes at him. She searches his eyes, while he searches hers for permission, to touch her, intimately. Placing his left hand on the right side of the back of her neck sliding his fingers upward, gently holding on to her hair, a rush of adrenaline prickled her stomach, as he watched the whooshing of her breathing, thinking how soft on silky the growths of her hair felt.

She needed him to touched her, she needed to grip him closer, but her body was weak, weak to his touch. As they stared intensely at each other, their faces being only a few inches apart, tightening his grip on her hair, causing her to slightly tilted her head back, finally freeing of her temporary paralysis, she grabs hold to his muscular arm with her left hand, while clutching his side with her other hand.

He knew he was in charge, and she wanted him, his lips being a inch closer to hers, her eyelids, fill down slowly closing.

Their lips touch, as their bodies tingles, her chest rises, left her feeling like she had no air. The instant chemistry they felt, was uncontrollable. His thinking slowed when his lips met hers. Time becoming unknown, as if he were in a dream, how warm and crazily soft her lips were.

As they draw each other deeper and further into each other's sanctum, thrusting herself up with a knee for support. 

Has he pauses, looking intently into her eyes, slowly begin rolling her robe over her shoulder.

In complete awe of how clear and smooth her skin appears, while stirring her down. He notices she was wearing a black lace bra that matches her thong, which complemented her skin tone well, lost in her eyes, before entirely removing her robe. As she gets back up on both knees, yanking his jacket off, while he impatiently helped her to removed his shirt.

Unbuckling his belt, she unzip his jeans. Holding her by the lower portion of her cheeks, he punches his tongue into her mouth. Resting his back on the couch, hoisted her up on top of him.

feeling her body, with both his hands on her waist, recognizing how small it was in comparison to her hips, being considerably wider. She bends her knees and places her hands on the couch over his shoulder. As his tongue trails down her neck, while unclipping her bra, struggling a little.

Carefully pulling it off, her hands fill to her side, looking down at him, when he stroked her breast with his hands, causing her head to fall back uncontrollably, as a rush of adrenaline went to her vulva, gasping harder as he places his mouth over her tit, slowly sliding his hand into her thong concomitantly.

He gave her a look, realizing she was already lubricated, as she gasped for breath somewhat dropping her upper body backwards as his hand quickly supported her back, her mouth flew wide open, when he slid his index and middle finger in an upward motion on her clit.

She moaned loudly as he stroked it faster, her body slipping in and out of his grip, being a fraction of a second from an orgasm, he halted.

He hoisted her up positioning her back laying on the couch, with one of his hands intertwined with hers above her head. He opens her legs slightly with his bent knee, while she bends her knees up to give him access. Passionately kissing her while caressing her clit with his right fingers. Her heart races. As he drags his tongue in between her breasts, he releases her hands as he went down further, trailing his tongue towards her navel, causing her tummy to jerked.

He elevates his head up as he pulls himself down more to her vulva, while holding on to her hips. He tasted her, swiftly clinging to the cushion behind her, unable to keep her legs steady as he licks her clit. (she rapidly gasp for air).  

She weakly tries to pull him up, with her orgasm being at it’s peek, moving back towards her lips, as they exchanged sensual glances. Using his hands as a support to keep himself upright while holding on to his already-erected dick. He puts the blanket under her back to elevate her slightly.

Penetrating her. Max, she screamed, quivering and gasping for breath, as she looks deeply into his eyes, attempting to caress the side of his face, (while she bit her bottom lip, as he went in deeper, she clutches onto him.

His sweat drips on her skin, as he moans, they couldn’t get enough of each other.

As he penetrates deeper, harder and faster inside her, he tightens his grasp around her waist. As they drew closer, their moans became more even louder.

Fuck! he shouted as he ejaculated his semen into her, simultaneously in the instant of her orgasm relief. They both felt to the ground. Looking at each other, completely in awe. 

He extends his hand to the side of her face, pulling her in, to cuddled her.

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Seven)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Six ※※※※※ Chapter Eight

The sun and heat were plaguing Los Angeles today. Even in the shade, there was no truce. Despite the unbearable heat, I didn't want to miss a beautiful day locked inside the house, so I decided to accompany my best friend in a photoshoot today.

We parked in front of a one floor house, in fact, it looked more like a shed with a very simple appearance. We entered through the next door, avoiding the reception. As soon as we enter, I see a huge space with several colorful panels scattered, in addition to other objects of scenery and lighting.

When Noah closes the door, a round of applause begins, who are applauding? I see a team of about twenty people lined up and among them, the only one I recognize is Kyleen, who wore a belt with several makeup brushes.

Without understanding, I start to applaud everyone, including the twins. Is it their birthday? Everyone is staring at us, so I approach Leah slowly.

“Who are we applauding?” I ask confused.

“You, duh!” she smile.

I look at everyone, confused. Why are you applauding me? My cheeks start to heat up and I don't know what to do.

In a few seconds, the noise stops and I feel compelled to say something. I get closer to the team, noticing the smile that everyone had on their faces.

“Uh, I don't even know what to say. Everyone should already know about amnesia, however, I would like to say that regardless of my memory, I am very grateful to all of you for all the assistance. If I really am that amazing model that I've been seeing, it's definitely due to you. Thank you so much, for everything and for now, for this reception and all the affection.” I bow a little, ending this speech project, awkwardly.

One by one, everyone comes to hug me. It is so strange. I, the ‘invisible’, not popular, who always stayed in my corner, had become a famous model. Today several people wanted to meet me, say hello or just say ‘hi’. It is strange, but it is good.

After all the reception, I follow Leah and Kyleen into the dressing room, watching my friend prepare for another photoshoot while Noah heads for a meeting.

Because of my condition, all the rehearsals and campaigns that I would do were passed on to Leah, so this month she had a very busy schedule. I make a face when I watch her trying to get into a rubber-like jumpsuit. Her hair was well armed and her makeup was loaded, her eyes were full of gloss. And I like this?

“You are very lucky that I love you and you are in this condition. Because I hate these revolutionary photoshoots.” she snorts, trying to go to the table and put on the huge pearl earrings.

“And I like?” I still question without accepting.

“No, but you always do. God knows why.” she stands upright, taking a little walk, looking at herself in the mirror. “Shit, the panties are on my ass.” she complains, leaving the dressing room and trying to get her panties out of the way.

“My God, Leah!” Kyleen scolds, trying not to laugh.

In the studio, I sit next to Kiki, who between one photo and another was going to touch up Leah's makeup. I am amazed to see my friend shine through the flashes. She makes it look so easy, stopping in several different poses, staring at the camera without laughing, with those big models faces.

“She is amazing.” I comment with the owner of the colored hair beside me, who agrees with me.

After several photos, again I go to the dressing room watching my friend now exchange the jumpsuit for a loose dress. As soon as the new makeup was done, Kiki stops behind me, pasting her face to mine.

“What do you think about doing makeup?” the sparkle in her eyes and Leah's smile in the chair next to me, show me how much they want it.

“Promise you won't make that eye full of gloss?” I ask smiling weakly, noticing the brightness in her eyes grow as she promises.

I lay my head on the back and close my eyes at the command of my friend. The whole process is fast and Kyleen does a very light and simple makeup, just hiding some scratches that I still have on my face and neck. In the eyes, a pink tone makes only the contrast deepening my concave and a beautiful eyeliner, which I would never be able to do.

Taking advantage of the fact that I was still in her hands, Kiki takes advantage and braids the top of my head, leaving the rest loose, making me feel like a princess.

“You are amazing.” I compliment her, giving a long kiss on her cheek in thanks.

I hold her hand, heading back to the studio to follow the rest of Leah's photos.

“So, Marnie, what do you think of some pictures?” Brandon, the photographer, comes towards me. I look at him, scared and saying nothing.

I seek help from my friends and even from other people on the team, but no one helps me. In fact, everyone motivates me.

“I don't know, I'm not dressed up and I'm all hurt yet.” I try to hold on to excuses.

“It does not need to be tidy and we will not publish anything, it is just for you to see yourself and maybe adapt again.” he offers the idea.

I face everyone again, not finding help. I close my eyes, giving up. I reach out to Brandon who lets out a loud celebration and takes me over to the square box Leah used to occupy.

Brandon guides me through the poses and looks. I feel my cheeks warm and I'm sure I'm looking like a tomato. I try to release myself with each photo and command they give me, even release a song to try to relax me, but in the end I start laughing.

In the back of my mind, I hear Ashton's voice, giving Brandon one of my orders as "more cheeky", "more mysterious" and even snarling, which only disturbs me. As I walk my eyes through the lights and camera, in my mind another memory comes back.

I can see Ashton sitting on the chairs with Kyleen, "trying" to help me. I just watched Brandon waiting for him to tell the Australian boy to shut up, but he just smiled. I continue my hard work of ignoring my friend, but it comes to a point where he is snarling and scratching the air, which breaks my concentration and makes me laugh.

I end up smiling with the memory still running through my head. In the end, the photos were beautiful, mostly I left laughing, a spontaneous and contagious laugh. My laughter closes when I see Luke's tall figure enter the studio.

I hold my breath with each step he takes, approaching us. He pulls up his sunglasses, showing his pale blue eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Leah asks while getting stuffed with Cheetos.

“I came to pick up Marnie.” he turns to me, giving a closed smile. I widen and run my eyes over to my friends, not knowing what to do.

“Me?” I question after a bug time.

“Ah yes! Your mother called me saying she was stuck at work. She wanted to know if there would be any problems if I took you to the doctor. I said no.” he shrugs.

Once again, I look back at Leah and Kiki, who are just as stuck as I am. Before I open my mouth, Luke's focus turns to the screen next to me, looking at the pictures I just took. I watch your eyes smile.

“They were beautiful.” I smile to him, when he looks back at me.

“Thanks.” I let out the air again. “Well, if I don't get in the way, that's fine. We can go.” Kyleen brings my bag, handing it to Luke. I say goodbye to everyone, I thank Brandon for the photos and slowly leave with him.

I hold my breath again when he closes the door next to me. What am I doing? Getting stuck in a car with Luke days after we broke up? What's my problem? I embrace my broken arm, closing myself.

The drive way to the hospital couldn't have been worse, or whatever. We were quiet all the time. In fact, I stayed. Luke even tried to pull something up, but I couldn't follow, I just crashed. When we arrived, I almost jumped out of the car and followed as fast as I could inside, leaving him almost alone.

What am I doing? What am I doing?

I notice from the corner of my eye, he is approaching while I check in.

“Are you okay?” I look confused at him when we sit down. “The doctor, are you feeling well?” he points to my leg and arm.

“Ah yes! He asked me to come back just to confirm.” I smile to ease my behavior so far. “I just hope he doesn't order a blood test.” I whisper, already feeling a cold wave run down my spine.

My body freezes even more when I see Luke's hand cover mine and give it a little squeeze. I open my eyes wide and Luke realizes by quickly letting go of my hand, apologizing.

“You have been facing a tsunami of confusion and you are doing well, a needle is nothing close to this.” he jokes in an attempt to relax me and break the strange climate.

“ I'd much rather have my amnesia and all that mess than the damn needle.” out of the corner of my eye I notice Luke trying not to laugh and I end up smiling. I take a deep breath, grabbing his hand, as I look across the hall, falsely interested in the ceiling lighting.

During the fifteen minutes we sat there, he did not let go of my hand. I was rambling about that scene and about us. Not remembering him was killing me. Every day I had at least two to three memories, not to mention the things I read, which leads me to stay with the imagination. However, Luke was still the only person I still couldn't remember and probably the most important.

Even with the diary, videos on social medias and photos. It only sank my hopes of going back. I mean, I know I can let my guard down and try to fall in love with him again, but that alternative is not yet an option and it scares me because it has no attraction.

“May I ask you a question?” I begin, in an attempt to break that unbearable silence between us.

“Sure, as many as you want.” Luke answers, super willing.

“What's the nickname? Why does everyone call me M&Ms?” Luke opens a smile, trying not to get a laugh.

“Well, on the serious side of it.” I wrinkle my forehead. Is there a serious side to this? “It's your initials. Marnie Elizabeth McGonagall, M - & - M.” it’s strange how good it’s to hear my name in his mouth.

“And the less serious side?” I have my suspicions, but I want to confirm.

“That you know! You are crazy about M&Ms. I remember countless discussions we had and then you forgave me because I gave you M&Ms.” my cheeks heat up in shame. Damn obsession with chocolate.

“That's why I wasn't surprised with that thing that separates them by colors in my kitchen.” Luke gives a laugh.

“I don't think I've ever seen you so happy to buy something so useless.” I look at the blonde, totally offended.

“It is not useless, it is for them to stay organized and none feel bad that I am eating one color more than another.” I defend my point, facing the hallway again. I strange the silence and look at Luke. “What?”

He keeps his lips tightly pressed. He wants to laugh. Your eyes carry an amused glow. Maybe he was just teasing me, because he would know that I would say something like that. After all, he knows me better than anyone.

I ignore him again. Still holding hands, we waited for the doctor to call me. Every second that passes makes me more anxious. I start hitting my leg on the floor and I want to poke my nails, but a hand is caught between his fingers and I don't want to disturb him.

For a few seconds, I look at Luke. His head against the wall and his eyes closed, make me more relaxed to analyze it without shame. I admire his long hair falling in several curls, finding himself with a very short beard, but that looks great on him.

I lower my gaze to a stop on his neck. Did we… already have sex? I look at his chest with more concentration, wondering how many times I must have passed my hands over there. I take a deep breath and risk lowering my gaze. Oh my God, did I already suc…

“Do you want to ask anything more?” I jump in the chair, startling me with his voice. Luke carries a mischievous smile as he looks at me.

Oh my God, he saw me looking at him and at him. Oh my God. Is it possible to die for being more ashamed!?

“No, I'm fine.” I turn my face to him. “I am fine!” I say softly. I hear your little laugh and I want to bury myself on the floor.

For my total bad luck, it takes the doctor a few more minutes to call me. And during this long and endless wait, I decide not to ask Luke any more questions. In fact, I decide not to look him in the face, just in case.

Seriously Marnie, did you let him catch you drooling on him!?

“Do you want me to come with you?” he offers himself, when the doctor finally calls me.

“No! It´s okay. I believe it is quick.”

“Good afternoon, Miss McGonagall, how are we?” the doctor gives a friendly smile.

Bad.

I take a deep breath, ignoring my mind, no matter how much we're here for it. I follow the consultation by answering the questions he asks. According to him, I seem to be reacting very well, which makes him believe that my amnesia is only temporary.

The doctor asks me to sit on the stretcher and look at my foot. The first time I saw my foot, it looked like a baby watermelon of so swollen it was. But in the last few days, it had improved a lot, since I was following the recommendation to always let it rest and on ice a few times.

“Are you still in pain?” he questions looking carefully.

“No. Will I be able to take it out?” I question hopefully.

“I think so! Let's do a test, you can come back without the boot, but if you feel pain or any discomfort, put it on immediately and return here, okay?”

“All right!” Unfortunately I would have to come back with the boot, because I didn't bring another shoe.

“I will order some tests too and as soon as they are ready, you can return for us to analyze.” I quietly watch him take the orders, feeling my stomach churn when I see the word blood. Shit.

I try to distract myself and turn my head to whoever is outside. Luke. I look quickly at the door, as if I can see him through the wood. I let out the air, still not knowing what to do about it.

I wish I could snap my fingers and see everything magically resolve, or just sleep and wake up when everything is in place.

"Would you like to ask something, Miss McGonagall?" the doctor leans on his desk looking at me attentively.

My face heats up and I smile nervously. I don't know if that would be something that my doctor could help me with, but it costs nothing.

“Is it possible to forget someone forever? I mean, I've had memories with basically everyone who lives with me, except one person. Would it be possible for my brain to delete it?” he scratches his chin surprised by my question.

“Well, first of all, do you want to remember this person?” I positively nod. “Do you really want to or try to convince yourself that you want to, but, deep down, you are not ready for that yet?” he raises an eyebrow. I open my mouth but nothing comes out.

I want to remember Luke and everything we live in, however, I am also afraid that even with the memories back, things will not be as they were before. I already screwed things up with Luke once, I don't want to screw it up again.

This is too horrible, because he is sweet and I do not believe that I would act like him if the situation was the other way around.

“Miss McGonagall, the brain is still a new field for medicine. It behaves in different ways for the same problem, so everything that involves it is studied and closely monitored. There is nothing to prevent this ‘block’ on a certain person from being created by you. Even if you say out loud that you want to remember, your body knows what you really want, because, even involuntarily, you transmit signals to your brain, maintaining the block.” it makes sense.

“I believe that I am only afraid, as much as I want, fear prevents me.” I say low.

“Can I offer you some advice?” I look at him in surprise, before agreeing. “Talk to that person. Be clear and sincere. Say you are afraid, but despite them, you want to remember everything. Help comes from those we least expect.” again, he gives a sympathetic and compassionate smile.

“Thank you very much, doctor.” I thank before I leave the office.

I approach Luke slowly, who gets up with a smile.

“All very well?”

“Yes, I finally got rid of the boot.”

“And why do you look like that?” he looks at me suspiciously.

“We need to talk.” I announcement tense. I see him frown, confused. “I'm going to need your help with something.”

“Marnie, you're making me worried, is everything okay? Did something happen?”

“Everything is fine.” I assure him. “It's about amnesia. It's about us.”

[violettelueur]

Hello V, I just wanted to ask you something since you're the only (for real, legitimately, no cap) writing blog I follow. You can skip to end of this ask if this background info is too long.

I used to enjoy writing but then I kinda fell out of it, so now I just keep the fake scenarios in my head. I try reading fanfics, but most of the time I find it difficult to relate to reader inserts or to find ones that make me want to read more of the writer's work.

But recently I've been enjoying your writing and now you've gotten me in the mood to make my own blog! I have an idea for an aesthetic and I even have some fics in the works to get started. But I don't have the motivation to actually make a blog. I have a feeling that I'm going to lose interest very quickly since, unfortunately, that's in my nature (I have like 0 hobbies lmao).

So my questions:

When you first started your blog, how/where did you find the motivation to keep writing?

How do you balance school and writing? 😭 Do you have a schedule that you stick to?

Before getting requests, where did you get ideas for fics? And when you started getting requests, where do get your ideas from based on the request?

Do have any general tips in regards to writing?

Thank you in advance! I hope this doesn't get sucked into the vacuum that lives in your ask box 😭🙏

if you do start a blog after this, i wish you all the best for it ╲ʕ·ᴥ·　╲ʔ

1. i started this whole blog at around november...i think...and how i keep my motivation? i’m just bored most of the time, so i need something to do to not waste time but it’s just something that i love doing!

2. how do i balance school with this....hahaha...i don’t...but since i’m in sixth form (highschool/senior year for other people) i get free periods, so i get as much work done during those times and sometimes plan headcanons/imagines when i have some time to spare!

3. the ideas I started to get at first was when i was watching a few of the episodes when the anime started! i stated getting requests at around after my 1st or 2nd original work and the ideas i get from the requests i get are just random after watching a few episodes to refresh my mind with the jujutsu kaisen cast’s personality!

4. general writing tips? use grammarly (to tidy up simple grammar - it doesn’t completely correct everything, but it’s something) and a thesaurus for different synonyms. don’t force yourself to keep writing, there are times where i don’t write for a day or two because my mood isn’t in the writing mood (go at your own pace). plan your imagines since it makes it more easier to write later one since it does help me a lot since your ideas are right in front of you rather than in your head, where you forget sometimes...that’s all i have...Hopefully this was helpful ╲ʕ·ᴥ·　╲ʔ