#i've been trying to avoid saying it because i was afraid people would block me about it. personally i dont have an opinion on the drama

[pankomako]

dude i swear if i actually make gang's bay a real show and i write a joke about being trans people are gonna be like "this is incredibly offensive to trans people" and im gonna have to come out and be like "yall im literally a trans person writing myself im just having a laugh why cant you too"

like seriously where's the line between a joke poking fun for laughs and a joke that's actually offensive? i feel like that's a little bit subjective dontcha think

[drunkenbagel]

Enchanted to meet you - Part 3

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Spanish f!reader Contents: overall fluff, descriptions of panic attack, angst with comfort a/n: i'm so so sorry for being away so long, i somehow lost access to the account and couldn't post anything!! also have been on a kind of writer's block, so i'm sorry for that too lol. for this part i added some media, let me know if you like it :D Word count: 5,5k Disclaimer: none of the photos used are mine and therefore i do not own them, i just edited them.

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Your side of the video call stayed silent for a moment, while you were trying to process what Pedro just said.

“y/n? Did I lost you?” he asked, and groaned. “Maldita cobertura de LA” (Damned LA reception.)

“Wha- What did you just say?” you questioned again. “Are you kidding me right now? Because if you are, no te lo perdonaré nunca.” (I'll never forgive you)

”What? I just-” he started another sentence, but he was interrupted by someone asking to take a picture with him. You quickly silenced your mic and turned off your camera, not wanting to be seen by the people he was with. They would probably get the wrong idea, getting him in trouble. Not to mention the controversy and the incessant hate train that the situation would create. You knew Pedro was sensitive when it came to hurt and pain, even if it didn't seem that way just because he brushed it off with goofiness and some jokes. So, you tried your best to avoid any kind of problem that seeing someone like you with him could cause. After a few minutes, he focused his phone on his face again.

“Hey, sorry about that, darlin'” he said with a side smile. “Some people asked- Are you still there?”

You connected your mic and camera again. “Yeah, sorry. Didn't want to disturb you.”

He frowned. “Don't say that. You don't.”

You felt a small pang on your chest, but you brushed it off by jumping again to the previous topic.

“So, what is that thing you were telling me? You're inviting me where?”

“Oh, yeah! I was thinking if you'd like to come with me to Los Angeles. I've got some long filming ahead and was wondering if you'd like to visit me. I'm going to stay at my house here, and of course, as my best friend, you have a designated room” he said laughing. “I could show you around and stuff. You know, to see the beautiful places here.”

“I mean... I'd sure as hell would love it, don't get me wrong or anything” you said, letting out a nervous chuckle. “But, uhm...”

You didn't know how to tell him that you were dying to see Los Angeles since you moved to the United States, but that you were afraid to be outside with him and the consequences that it could bring. You two had been basically best friends for almost two and a half years now, but he was still a celebrity, for fuck's sake. And you were... Average. You always tried to be really careful when going outside with him. Wasn't he afraid of being seen with you? It was easier to blend in the few times you two went out in New York, especially since you preferred to go out mostly at night-time or just hang out at his house.

“Then it's settled! I'll be back there in like a week, and after a few days we can come back here for as long as you like. I think it'll be so fun being here with you, you'll love this! I'll show you so many things here. Oh, I also could show you around the studios, maybe you'll see someone from those crime shows you're obsessed with.”

“Hey! Why the cute rant and then you attack me? Not fair” you said cracking a small smile. “I appreciate your invite, really, but... I don't know, I have my job, my rent...”

“y/n, since your promotion you practically work from home. You don't go to the office anymore. And about your apartment, you always complain about the landlord, the sink, the place itself. Si no es esto, es lo otro. Why don't you move out and look for anything else?” (If it's not this, it's that.)

“I-” you tried to think of any excuses, but he was right. You had been looking for apartments, but it was very difficult to find anything decent in New York with an average paycheck. You sighed, defeated. “Look, I know you're right, but what do you want me to do? Just magically find something?”

He hummed, and brought his hand to his chin, thinking. You almost laughed. It looked like he was thinking so hard. After a few moments, he snapped his fingers.

“Here's the deal. I know this filming is going to be at least three months, so how about you stay with me here, and then you can stay at mine in New York? You know you have a room at my place anyways.”

“What? That is not-” You felt your cheeks heat up. How could he be so calm about this? “So that is your solution? You want me to move in with you?”

“I wouldn't say that, it's more like... A temporary solution until you find a place for yourself. You know you practically spend all your time in my house when I'm there! Also, you could stop paying rent for that shithole while staying with me, so I only see positive points here. Am I wrong?”

He smiled at the camera while you ran a hand through your hair, stressed. He had a very valid point, of course, but he said it so casually that it left you a bit dumbfounded. So did this mean that he didn't care to be seen with you? His New York apartment was in a multiple housing building, so it was always easier for you to go in unnoticed. But Los Angeles? You didn't know if that was possible. People there were more used to seeing celebrities, of course, but the anxious thoughts were not leaving you alone.

“Hey, I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable or anything. You know you can always say no” he said with a worried tone.

“I know, I know. I was just thinking...” you sighed. “You're right. But are you sure you don't mind me being there with you? Or anywhere close for that matter? Are you sure it's okay? Because I wouldn't-”

“Y'think I would have said it if I didn't mean it? You're offending me!” he said laughing. “Now, seriously. I'd love to have you around more. You know I miss you when we're apart.”

“Aw, mi Pedrito se enterneció. ¡Te he ablandado! How did you live without me?” you joked. (My little Pedro got soft. I have softened you!)

His could feel his cheeks getting red, but he tried to brush it off. “Anda, cállate. Do you accept my deal or not? The offer is now for limited time.” (C'mon, shut up.)

“Okay, okay! I do accept” you said laughing. “But I'll need help with moving if I have to leave everything at your apartment before going to LA. You help me or the deal is off.”

“You got it” he said with a wide smile. The way his eyes wrinkled while he was smiling or laughing made your heart skip a beat. It was too cute for your heart to handle, you loved it. The way he grasped onto anyone around him while he let out the cutest belly laugh, or how contagious they were.

Little did you know he was thinking the same thing about you. Pedro loved your laugh, especially when it was shared with him. Oh, how his heart started to beat faster every time you sent him a message. Or how that one time you were video chatting him and you felt so comfortable that you fell asleep still in the call. He ended up just watching you sleep soundly before falling asleep ‘beside you’. And now he was going to have you under the same roof? He felt like he was the happiest man in the world when you accepted. He couldn't believe you did. He had been thinking about asking you since you always complained about how awful your landlord was, or how he refused to fix anything. Truth be told, he wanted to punch that guy more than anything sometimes.

He tried to keep his silly crush for himself, especially since you were much younger than him. The last thing he wanted was to make you uncomfortable, so he tried to keep it away from his thoughts. But it was so damn difficult. You were so kind, so caring, and so sweet. He wanted you all for himself, but whenever he thought about it, he always ended up in the conclusion that you didn't seem to show any interest beyond your friendship. That's why he forced himself to act as he was, just your ‘older’ best friend. Who casually just invited you to live with him.

Cool, cool. Totally normal.

As the days went by, you put your leave notice to your landlord and started packing everything. Pedro helped you with all, just as he promised, even using his own car to move the boxes back and forth between apartments. Luckily, you didn't have that much stuff since your apartment was quite small. Time seemed to pass very slowly but so fast at the same time, leaving your stomach to be a flustered mess of nervousness. Soon enough, you both were waiting into the airline row to enter the plane.

“Oh my god. I can't believe I'm doing this!”

“It's hitting you now?” Pedro answered laughing. “Actually, it's making me feel weird too. But the good kind. I like it when I have you around.”

“Aw” you said pouting. “You like it, but not enough to pay for us to sit together?”

“Are you kidding me? I'm not going to pay 50 extra dollars for a seat. I'm already going to see you all the time when we land, don't give me a hard time with it! Plus, we're only a seat apart, eres una exagerada.” (You're exaggerating.)

“Whatever. I'll remember this betrayal.”

“Ugh” he said smiling while he rolled his eyes. “C'mon, we're next.”

The six hour flight went by faster than you expected it to be, especially since you slept for most of it. The chatty old lady that sat in between you two was kind enough to switch places with Pedro halfway on the flight when she saw the way he looked at you uncomfortably sleeping against the plane window, so he put the armrest back and carefully pulled you to his side so you could sleep on him.

You looked so beautiful like this. Softly moving your hair away from your face, he pushed the stray hairs behind your ear, and you sighed contently. He couldn't stop the smile that formed on his lips.

“How long have you been dating, dear?”

Pedro turned his head to his right, confused. “What?”

“Oh, I'm sorry. Are you married perhaps? It's just that I didn't see your rings so I guessed you didn't pop the question yet. Don't tell me this trip is for that! Oh my, congratulations!”

“What? No! No, no” he said while moving his free hand on the air. He could feel his cheeks getting hot and he looked at you quickly in case you had heard the lady, but you were soundly asleep. Then he looked at her again. “It's not like that. We- Uh, we're just friends. She's my best friend. Just that.”

“‘M sorry then, dear. It's just that I heard you two talkin’ about living together, saw you actin’ like you were, and I just assumed. But let me tell ya’, honey, friends don't look at each other like that” she said, briefly patting his thigh while smiling. “My dear Stevie, may he rest in peace, was always lookin’ at me the same. I didn't realize I was in love with him until I was with somebody else, for the love of god! I just assumed he was a good friend and never saw me as nothin’ else. He even helped me with this guy just ‘cause I seemed happy. But you see, honey, he just wanted the best for me as long as I was happy, even if that meant sacrificing his own happiness. I almost lost my dearest because I thought helpin’ me to find joy in another meant that he wasn't interested. I can see how you look at her. Don't let that happen to you, honey. Believe me, not worth the time you lose while y’know that you two are just playin’ pretend.”

Pedro only looked at the woman with his lips briefly parted, his heart heavy on his chest. He didn't want that happening, but he could also not risk ruining the relationship he already had with you. He would never do that. Also, he noticed how you always avoided going to crowded spaces or where paparazzi could spot you two together. How could he not? He knew that you didn't like the attention that kind of things attracted, so he respected your decisions over where to meet. Pedro preferred staying with you watching TV or playing games rather than cameras following him everywhere anyways. In fact, he knew moving to Los Angeles was a huge step for you, since it was nearly impossible to go out and not be spotted by paparazzis. That was mainly why he was feeling so nervous about this whole thing, but he hoped that after all the time that you two had been friends for, maybe you wouldn't be too bashful about going out with him, and would let him recognise you publicly as his friend.

He spent the hour and a half that was left of the flight sleeping with his head on top of yours, only waking up when the lady beside him shook his arm gently to let him know that you were landing. He then did the same with you, and couldn't hold back a smile while he watched you rub your eyes and yawn. After getting off the plane you two went for your baggages, and after you managed to put everything in one big stroller, you started walking outside.

“I'm impressed” he said, watching you push the thing by yourself. “I thought you were going to bring your whole house over here. Is this really everything?”

“Well, no” you said as if it was obvious. “Did you think I was going to bring my scarfs, jackets and big sweaters to LA? I'm not-”

You stopped talking when you saw a man with a camera in the distance. He was taking pictures of you. You gulped and tried to laugh, but an uncomfortable chuckle came out.

“y/n? Are you alright?” asked Pedro, a little worried by your change of demeanour. He moved his eyes in the direction you were looking, and then he saw it. A couple of men with cameras, and they were getting closer. “Hey, look at me.” You linked your eyes with his, and he had a soft look on them. “You'll be alright. C'mon, let's take a taxi and get home.”

You nodded and tried to ignore the sound of clicking cameras getting closer. Taking the stroller, Pedro quickly made his way to a taxi and started packing everything up while you got inside. When the men reached the car you heard him say something before he got to the back of it with you and gave the address to the driver. You nervously took his hand with yours and he squeezed it twice, which was his silent way of asking if you were feeling okay. You squeezed it back once. Yeah, just anxious. You two came up with this method after Pedro realized that you sometimes went non-verbal when you were in situations that made you feel anxious, and he wanted to know how he could help. You rest your head on his shoulder, and he left a kiss on your hair while rubbing his thumb over yours. After a few minutes in silence, he spoke up.

“I'm thinking you won't have much enthusiasm of going out. I understand if you wanna spend the day at home. We can watch a film or something, then order food. Sounds good?”

“Yeah” you answered in a whisper. “I'm sorry.”

“Why? You didn't do anything wrong. I know you're not used to this, and I love you for coming with me to the other side of the country despite knowing the situations that you may have to face. I should be the one apologizing” he said, and kissed your forehead. “I know this will be hard at first, but I want to be able to call you my friend. To talk about you in interviews, or when people ask me about funny stories. And I'm not trying to give you an ultimatum or anything since I understand that you want your privacy, I do too, but with my kind of life, you always have to give something. I don't want you being followed, but at least I want to be able to not hide my amazing best friend to the world.”

“I understand, and I'm okay with it. I didn't just accept moving with you lightly, I knew what I was getting into. And I understand that it may have been difficult not to say anything about me, but I just- I wasn't ready. It's not easy being a celebrity's best friend” you said with a chuckle. “But I also get your point. You have been my best friend for a long time now, and I don't want to hide anymore. I know it's going to be hard, so I need you to be patient with me. More than you have already been, which I'm incredibly thankful for. But it's not going to be something I magically get used to. Don't you think I might also be dying to share you with the world? I'd love to! But I was trying to wrap my head around it. And I did, and I'm ready. So expect me posting about you and your shitty habits everywhere on my Instagram and Twitter from now on.”

He couldn't hold back a wide grin while he took you into a tight hug, and you giggled. “Thank you. Thank you so much for doing this, y/n. Ugh, you're the best. How did I ever bag this good of a friend?”

“I believe you stalked me for weeks, forced Ernesto to tell you things about my schedule, then waited for me in the café every time like a puppy and called it ‘a coincidence’, right?”

“You're saying it like I'm some creep or something! I just liked how normal you treated me, okay? Shut up.”

After arriving to the house and setting your things on your room, Pedro gave you a small tour of the house. You loved it. Especially the views from the amazing balcony that led to a beautiful view of the city. You two opened a bottle of wine while waiting for the takeout to arrive, and you braced yourself to finally face the challenge: going through socials. You were sure that the photos from this morning were all over the internet already, and when you entered Twitter, you confirmed it. The paparazzi pictures where everywhere, and everyone was speculating on how were you related to him. When the food arrived and he was about to dig into it, you spoke.

“Pedro?”

“Yeah?”

“I think it's time to post it” you said while taking a long sip of the glass.

“That fast?” he asked incredulously. You nodded and showed him your phone. “Okay then, one sec.”

He took out his phone and typed something. A few moments later, your phone chimed, and you stared at the Instagram post you were tagged in.

“You bitch! You could have picked another photo” you said while laughing.

“I know, but that's the funniest one” he said chuckling too.

—•—

It had been a bit more than a month since the photo was posted, and people were taking it a lot better than you had expected. Some were even asking you to post ‘unseen’ Pedro content. There were also people that insulted you and told you ugly things, but you decided to ignore and block them. Your social media follower count had exploded, and you had a lot of new people interacting with your normal content, but you got more or less used to it.

You had been out together a couple of times, mostly to get groceries and stuff before Pedro began his filming. He made you copies for every key in the house, and also gave you the spare one for his car in case you ever needed it. But since then, he spent a lot of hours out in the studios, so you mostly saw each other at early mornings or nights.

“Hey, I'm free today so I was thinking of going to the beach or something. I know it's not the best weather, but maybe we could take the car and then rent some bikes and go for a ride over there? What do you think?” Pedro asked you one afternoon while eating lunch.

You yawned while nodding. You had tried not to sleep in the Los Angeles daylight, but you were still kind of used to the New York timezone. Jet lag was no joke, and your shitty sleep schedule didn't help either.

“Sure. But I might be a little out of practice, so you better not laugh at me.”

“But that would be the best part!” he said laughing. “Okay then, I'll go for the car. This way I can show you around a bit more than these past weeks.”

He seemed very happy since he made you two public, and it made your heart go soft at the thought that sharing you with the world had that kind of reaction for him. Sometimes you thought that the people would find your friendship weird because of the age difference, but to your luck, it seemed like most people understood the situation a little. Of course, there were the ones that thought it was weird, or that you two were dating but didn't want to tell, but luckily it wasn't that many people.

When you got dressed Pedro drove to Santa Monica beach, then rented the bikes, and it was then when your small tour began. He showed you Venice beach, his favourite places to eat, drink and you even saw a museum from the outside. When the sun was starting to set, you rode back to the bike renting shop and sat in the sand to watch the sunset.

After it got a little dark, Pedro drove you to a local Mexican restaurant not too far to have dinner. You ordered some tacos and enchiladas, and while eating them both of you talked about how filming was going. He was so excited about it, and he wanted to invite you to set. You told him you would think about it beacuse you too had a job, but you ended up promising you would soon since you could do yours from anywhere and your schedule was more flexible. Pedro had a small desk on the living room so you used it as a makeshift little office.

Unaware for both of you, some people had spotted Pedro at the restaurant and posted it on the internet, which led the paparazzi to the location. They were waiting outside, and when you two realised it, it was too late, since there were already a small swarm of them. Your stomach began to ache with anxiety. This was the first time that you encountered that many together.

“I can ask the staff to let us out from the back” Pedro said after seeing your reaction to the small crowd.

“No, no. I don't want to inconvenience them or anything. We'll just... Go out, and then walk to the car and go back home. I'll be fine” you said, but worry was lingering in your voice.

After getting your leftovers in a small container, paying and gathering your things, you got up and headed to the exit. When Pedro got his hand on the handle of the cristal door, the flashes of the cameras had already began clicking around you. You had to cover your eyes and stop in your tracks for a second, which Pedro used to take your hand and lead you to where the car was a few meters away. Everyone was pushing around and shouting, trying to get his attention.

“Why did you hide her?”

“Did she move in with you?”

“Are you two dating?”

You reached the car, but they were too close. One of them was blocking the passenger door, so you couldn't really get into it. Pedro was already on the driver's side of the car, waiting for you to get in.

“Please move, you're in the middle” you heard Pedro say to them.

The photographers didn't listen and kept shouting while flashing their cameras. They were so close, too close, you felt like your air was slowly getting kicked out of your lungs. But they didn't back off, they just kept moving closer and pushing their way into you to get the best angles.

“Why are you even with her? You can do so much better!”

Pedro turned around to yell at the guy who said that, but he was just in front of you, and while he flinched backwards trying to get away from him thinking Pedro was maybe going to push him, his camera hit your face. It hit you right in the cheek, breaking the skin ever so slightly but enough to make you bleed. You gasped and your head moved down from the impact. You heard Pedro yell your name as he ran to your side, and you could swear the small crowd went silent for an instant before resuming the flashing of the cameras.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Pedro screamed at the guy. He took your face softly in between his hands as he was inspecting the spot which you had been hit on.

“She was in the middle, it's not my fault!”

“It's not your fault?” he said tearing his eyes from you to the man, and felt the worry for you shift into rage inside of him. “If you had even a little bit of a brain you wouldn't have to push anyone, you fucking asshole!”

You couldn't hear anything. Everything sounded like it was muffled. Panic was starting to build rapidly into you, making your limbs shake. Your breath was becoming irregular and your hands were sweating. No, no, no. Not here. Not now. You turned your back to the photographers, facing the car and putting your hands against it in an attempt to ground yourself. Tears started forming in your eyes, and you tried not to spill them. You didn't want to cry, not here, not where you could embarrass Pedro. That was the last thing you wanted. You tried to open the car door with shaky hands, and after what felt like an eternity, you got into the car. You crouched down and took your head between your hands trying to stop your head from pounding. Pedro was so fucking angry at the guy. How could he treat you like that? He had no right to do it. He was almost going to punch him but stopped in his tracks when he saw you get into the car and double over. His stomach sank at the sight. He knew what that position meant for you, and without any other word he got into the car and drove away without caring if he ran over one of those ungrateful men.

“Breathe, baby. We're out, I'm taking you home. We're almost there. Steady breaths.”

He kept talking to you in an effort to ground you, but silent tears were already streaming down your face as you hyperventilated. You hated this, you hated messing up everything. As soon as you were home, Pedro got out of the car and ran to your side. After opening the door, he carefully took you in his arms as you clinged to him, still with uneven breaths. He took you to the living room and lowered both of you to the ground.

“y/n, let's breathe together, okay? Look” he said while taking your hands into his and clutching them into his chest. He breathed in and out slowly a couple of times, and you tried to imitate him, but it was very hard for you, which only got you more frustrated and anxious. “It's alright, don't push it. Slowly. There's no rush, I'm here with you. Now, I'm going to leave your side for a second” he said softly, and you let out a small whine. “It'll be just a moment, and I'll be right back, okay? It's alright, I promise.”

You slightly nodded, still shaking and breathing harshly. Pedro quickly got up and grabbed an ice pack from the freezer, making his way back to you. He then sat in front of you and put it into your hands, holding them to your chest. Cold always helped you calm down.

“Meanwhile... Let's do 5-to-1, alright? Tell me 5 things you can see.”

After a small pause, you nodded and started looking around. “P-photos” you answered with a small shaky voice. “TV. Kitchen. F-fan. Bal- balcony. Shoes.”

“Good. Very good, baby. You're doing amazing” he said with a smile. “Now 4 things you can touch.”

You looked around and with a trembling hand you touched the rug. Then your pants. Then the sofa. And lastly the small coffee table that was in front of the sofa.

“That's good. Very good” he reassured you again. Positive responses helped you feel like you were a bit more in control. “Now three things you can hear.”

You breathed in and out shakily again, and closed your eyes for a moment. You could hear some faint music from the street, playing not too far away. “M- music.” Moving your head slowly, you heard the kitchen clock ticking. “Clock.” Pedro nodded and gave your hands a small squeeze. A breeze made the trees outside crunch. “Wind.”

“Perfect. That's very good, baby. You're doing great. Now can two things you can smell?”

You looked around again, trying to find anything that came into your ratio. You sniffed the air, and saw the abandoned leftover box in the middle of the room.

“F-food.” Pedro smiled at you and nodded. You looked at him with teary eyes, inhaled and then clutched his shirt. “You. Your- cologne.”

He couldn't stop his face softening or the loving look he gave you. He knew you were just saying it because he was the closest thing you could smell, but he couldn't help his heart from beating faster.

“Very good. Now the last one, something you can taste.”

You had calmed down a little, but after a few moments of looking around, your breath became hitched again. You couldn't find anything. Nothing. Not even a mint or some candy. Pedro saw how your thoughts started racing again, and his smile faded completely, panic briefly washing over him too.

“Okay, okay. Remember, slow breaths. Deep and slow, please.”

Your eyes didn't meet his, frantically looking for something that would complete the exercise. You had to complete it. It wasn't right. Pedro thought of every possible solution, but nothing came to mind. Until it did. But he didn't want to do it. It felt wrong, but he saw you start trembling again, he couldn't just leave you to suffer. He knew how important this cycle was to you.

“Oh, fuck this. I- I'm sorry” Pedro muttered while tenderly taking your face in his hands and bringing his lips to meet yours. Your entire body stopped shaking in shock as your eyes widened. You could taste his minty toothpaste along with your shared dinner. Without you noticing, your breath had become slower because of the air shortage. But Pedro noticed that, and he gently pulled back from the kiss. He slowly opened his eyes to meet your still widened ones. For what felt the longest time you two didn't say anything, and his thoughts were the ones that started to race now.

Fuck. I fucked up everything. Why did I even do that? Shit. I ruined it. Now she's going to leave and-

You left the ice pack on the floor, and leaning into him, you snuggled into his lap and put your head on his chest, hugging his waist with your arms. He did the same and held your head with one of his hands, resting his lips on top of it. Pedro was now the one with wide eyes.

What was he supposed to do now? What the hell did this even mean?

[gaepublishinghouse]

Alhaitham is autistic and heres why

I already posted this on hoyolab but I figure the tumblr girlies would be interested in this insight.

Reading through his voice overs and how he behaves, it's pretty evident that he displays some traits of high-functioning ASD. I'm not an expert, but I have some insight as a psych major and from my own research. Here are some examples.

- Prefers to speak very literally. This is evident in his interactions, but he also states it himself.

"Rather than lacing my words with rhetoric, I prefer speaking factually." (About Alhaitham: Facts)

"[Alhaitham] does make comments, however, when someone has come up with something offensively foolish — and one should expect these comments to be more blunt than necessary." (Character Story 1)

- Seeming blunt, rude, or disinterested. This is also evident with his canon interactions, but here are some examples.

"Most people are wary of interacting with me. Perhaps they're afraid, or maybe they think I'm difficult to get along with. I hope to keep things this way." (More about Alhaitham: I)

"[Alhaitham] purely operates by rationality, so people often find his actions unacceptable. If you don't believe me, just ask [Kaveh] — thanks to Alhaitham, he has more pent-up frustration than an angry Anemo Slime." (Tighnari, About Alhaitham)

- Preference towards being on his own.

"I'll be taking some time for myself now. Goodbye." (Good Evening)

"I've never been interested in social interactions, and as you can see, my life is more comfortable than most. I'd say this is proof enough that being social is not one of life's necessities." (More About Alhaitham II)

"It only took half a day in the Akademiya for little Alhaitham to report this back to his grandmother: Everyone he met there was boring and he preferred reading alone to listening to their meaningless courses." (Character Story 5)

- Tendency to plan carefully before acting and distress when plans are disrupted. He very thoroughly planned the confrontation with the Sages down to possible actions they might take and how to use it to their advantage.

"Once order is disrupted, the consequences spread like wildfire. I'd like to avoid such a scenario, so I can keep my life intact and uninterrupted." (More about Alhaitham IV)

- Sensitivity to certain sensory stimuli. More specifically, Alhaitham seems to be sensitive to auditory input, and regularly uses headphones to block out external sounds.

"Alhaitham personally made the music player when he first became the scribe, and it is connected to the headphones via cables of the same color. He sometimes uses the gadget to play music, and other times, to block noise." (The Doer's Belt Pouch)

"Don't be offended if you try to greet me on the street and I don't respond. It's simply because I'm wearing my soundproof earpieces, that's all." (About Us: Greetings)

"I hope my roommate won't be hammering away on another one of his projects in the dead if night.. Actually, I'd prefer if he wasn't home at all. I really don't want to wear my soundproof earpieces to bed." (Good Night)

- Keen interest and fixation to certain activities, in this case reading difficult text and languages. The fact that he had the potential to study at the Akademiya at age seven too.

"All scholars seek knowledge and the truth. Some do so for fame, while others, for ambition. And some others enjoy conquering knowledge and the truth, transcending them, and savoring the sense of superiority in the process. Alhaitham isn't any one of them. He is only driven by what intrigues him. He believes that many scholars have already become lost in their pursuits, taking the truth as a tool or even a shortcut to self-realization." (Character Story 1)

Dont take this too seriously, it's just a "he's just like me fr fr" moment -u-

[demonir]

dude now I'm just sitting here staring at a wall thinking abt how fucked up being lgbt is...

Don't get me wrong I'm happier knowing who I am and I shudder to think what would be of me if I had never found out, there's so many queer people out there that will welcome you with open arms and guide you through or just simply offer you a shoulder to cry on and that's wonderful I love that and we need more of that

But then there's the rest of the people, the assholes that want you dead just for existing, the ones that are less vocally hateful and might tolerate being in a room with you but should you need anything they'd rather let you starve than approach, the "I support you but" people that say are open minded and supportive but the moment you cross some invisible line of theirs you are no longer "one of the good ones" and must be dealt with.

We've all seen these people, they might be strangers, coworkers, acquaintances, friends, family and even our partners and their words and actions hurt like knives. But a lot of us have learned that we shouldn't waste our time with them if we can avoid it, turn around, block them, leave the room, move out of the house if you can, we can do these things

But what happens when the hatred is coming from inside the community itself? I cannot begin to tell you how soul breaking it is for me when I see discourse like "LGBT without the T!" or "Asexuality doesn't belong in the LGBT" or "If you're bi but in a straight relationship then you're a liar/traitor" or "If you don't pass as your gender then you're not truly trans" and these are just some off the top of my head, there are so many more and even if they don't personally affect me it still hurts me to see it so much.

You're not making the community nicer or safer by dictating how someone should exist, there are no "traitors" there are no "liars" there are no "pretenders" everyone is just trying to live their life while staying true to themselves but everyone around them is constantly telling them they are wrong for it, not gonna lie to you I'm sometimes afraid that I'll get someone telling me I'm not truly nonbinary because I'm not androgynous or use they/them and I'm easily perceived as a woman, I get afraid I'll be told that what I'm doing is just a phase by other queer people despite the fact that I've been trans since I was 14 and it took me all those years to be able to come to terms with the fact that yes I love dresses, yes I like makeup, yes I'm fine with she/her pronouns, yes I sometimes find it endearing to be called a girl, but no I am not a woman and I'll never be.

But guess what? being afab carries this weird notion that I am somehow harmless or at least less of an issue than lets see uhh oh yeah amab trans people! trans women get labeled predators, groomers and a danger to everyone around them so often and the punishment for not passing as their desired gender is far greater than anything I've ever personally received. People have let these notions about birth genders and sexualities carry on to their trans views in macabre and harmful ways. You want to be wary of men? sure, there's an extensive history of issues that make your fears rational and justified... but why are you pointing your finger at a trans woman? Because she has stubble or a beard? no long hair? doesn't like dresses? doesn't want hrt or surgeries of any kind? has a deep voice? because she has "male interests"? do you not realize how harmful that is?

That's not to say trans men don't get a similar treatment, but I don't see them being labeled as dangerous and violent even half as much as trans women do, it's this notion that being born with a penis somehow makes you vile or something???? unless you prove to us how innocent and righteous you are by looking exactly how I want you to, staying 5 meters away from me and never displaying any sort of sexual attraction towards anyone ever otherwise I am calling the police on you

That's bogus nonsense and I'm absolutely tired of it, stop carrying societies old and nasty views of gender and sexuality into this community that is about supporting and uplifting people no matter how they want to be, and while we're at it someone's presentation and physical appearance isn't indicative of their morality

I wish every trans woman on tumblr right now that feels afraid to speak up about the current situation or even just their life experiences as a trans person a very very happy rest of their lives, and I wish every trans woman who IS speaking up about stuff a very happy rest of their lives as well

Again just so we're clear, I'm nonbinary and afab she/he he/she whatever order so I should in theory not be the target to any uhh "mysterious" blog bans and stuff, however if my blog dies after this post know that I did not do it myself.

Stand up for trans women always and forever, we are all fighting together and there is no glory in hurting each other

[sometimesiammybpd]

actually okay. i need to say this. writing the longform posts about whoever is actually so difficult for me. i can't remember everything anymore, first off. i genuinely think i subconsciously have the coping mechanism of blocking memories out for trauma-related reasons, but i'm always afraid when i'm writing those posts. i'm afraid they're somehow going to find it and know i'm writing a post about them and then take it personally like i was trying to attack them and come @ me. i'm afraid i can't get the details right and therefore would be painting a picture differently than what really happened. and honestly, i'm afraid it won't help.

and it doesn't. a lot of the time, it doesn't. i write the post in the hope that i can move on, but it doesn't help. and it breaks me down every single time when i come to the conclusion that i'm pretty much incapable of moving on. and it's more than just that, to be honest. no one understands me. no one understands that i can't help any of this. that no matter how hard i yell and scream at myself and go to endless therapy sessions and whatever magic people think will make things be different this time around doesn't work. and it leads people to cut me off because they think i'm purposely being manipulative. or stuck in the past. or being physically fucking incapable of moving on when all i want in the world is to be able to. it makes me wish i wouldn't wake up every time i realize they're still in my head. or that i'm wishing for an answer i probably can't even handle. or any number of things all the time. literally it's not enjoyable. it's not something i wished to happen. it's not on purpose, intentional, whatever the fuck i've been told i've done over and over in the past.

half the time when i blow up a friendship, i don't even realize i've done anything wrong UNTIL the damage is done; until there's nothing i can do to fix it. yeah, there have been intentional times because a few times i have been more than aware of what i was doing. but even then, i can't stop myself. it's like. once i'm on the path, i can't get off until it ends. even if the end of it is a bridge burning to ashes. i don't want to hurt people. i don't want to make my closest friends hate me or be incapable themselves of dealing with me. but it's also not fair that i can't be friends with a single person who actually understands my side. it's not an excuse at all, but i never get the chance to fix it. i am ridiculously self-destructive but i barely understand what sets me off or what goes on in my head. and that's just not enough for people. because to everyone i've ever met or been friends with with VERY FEW EXCEPTIONS, once the bpd rears its ugly fucking head, it's me being abusive on purpose. or manipulative. or gaslighting them, or lovebombing them, or whatever bullshit i've been told over and over.

it makes me want to die because i feel completely unable to be better. i feel like i am just that bad of a person and the only way for me to stop hurting people is to outright take myself out of the equation, permanently. like. i am so fucking sorry all the time if i hurt you. if i do anything to make you angry at me or unable to stand me. i swear to god i am. but please listen to me and let me calm down. help me instead of cutting me off. please. someone just fucking stay and listen and try to understand what's going through my head in that moment. please for the love of god. i just want to be fucking heard. it just feels like everyone is perfect and i'm just destined to be an abuser. even though i've tried so hard to AVOID ever being attached to that label. i'm just sorry. i'm sorry i wasn't easy to deal with. i'm sorry i got set off and it sent me spiraling. i'm sorry.

i just fucking want someone to listen to me instead of dismissing me and never speaking to me again. why is that such an impossible thing to ask for???

[bewitched-bullet]

You won't reply to me but I have to say something as well. They deleted their posts because followers (I'm one of them) explicitly asked them to delete them. You can check his blog to see.

I honestly feel you are creating so much hatred out of nothing. I am even afraid to show you my identity, knowing you will come after me if I do. Only because I have a different perspective on it all.

Didn't this whole discussion start with the supposed toxicity of the Sherlock mod? Who was trying to prevent an RPer from leaving? That's precisely what he did to John, according to John's posts on his blog (you have to read between the lines), perhaps to Mycroft even (dunno for sure). But who knows for sure they did? Isn't it logically that you beg someone not to leave because you want to continue what you're doing?

I saw the last post on the John blog and was quite moved. He always sounds like a very reasonable guy, unlike Sherlock, unlike you guys on here. Sorry.

So, we ask you to stop this crusade. I will also ask my friends to send you a message just in case. Stop it. You are hurting people who don't deserve it.

*le sigh*

I'm afraid you haven't been actually paying attention if you think I can see his blog. After our conversation in a comment section, the John mod blocked me. Which I posted about.

If you have read all my posts, etc you would see that I've answered every single ask except two. Even the spicy ones sent by Harriet mod as themselves and as anon and the 3 by the Mycroft/John mod as anonymous. Even, when John sent basically the same message 3 times (my inbox, ask, and tagging me (as John) ((which can be considered harassment)), I never "came after" them. Not like they have for most of the other mods, including ones OUTSIDE of their rp group.

Isn't. That. Interesting.

So, no, I'm not going to "come after" you for being polite and expressing yourself.

Now on to the good stuff.

So the John mod will flip-flop on what they strongly believe, on a whim, for a stranger.

Take note on that.

Looks like you are referencing the post Dump made? Allow me to remind you (which isn't my responsibility btw) what you are talking about if you are. Dump said that (paraphrasing):

"...consult-sherlock begged me to stay. They all contributed to my decision to block JOHN, SHERLOCK, AND MORIARTY."

If you want the exact verbiage, go look for it. It's in the tag "a scandal in tumblr".

We don't know the nature of the begging. And we can't ask the source because they specifically said to LEAVE THEM ALONE. Begging, is not inherently wrong? Not sure what you're insinuating here. Maybe you are assuming how they were begging was wrong? If you have any insider information on this I would very much be interested.

If you call avoidance, deflection, refusing to break character on a concerning issue (referring to when this was just about the fishy miscommunication) as "Reading between the lines", that's a personal problem for you. All that I mentioned in this paragraph are all red flags. Very red. On fire, red. And no one can help you see these till you're ready. That's why so many people stay with OBVIOUSLY (and sometimes not so publicly obvious) awful partners that mistreat them, why we excuse our (our as in as whole, not saying you and me specifically) abusive parents behavior, or side with an abusive government(s) that sanctions genocide.

As for being reasonable...I am reasonable. Till I'm not. I will never be reasonable to bullying/abuse. Especially when it involves little kids and old people. I will go fucking feral. And with this situation, after the pretzels John clearly twisted himself into, the PUBLIC harassment of Greg, yeah, for sure, I'm more in my feels in this. That being said, I haven't lost all rational thought. Cuz these are grown adults that are involved and feral me isn't needed.

I can easily adjust my stance on a situation don't have all information on. Because I'm intelligent like that.

Remember the Amber Heard case?

Thankfully, I could wait till a public court case to see all the evidence presented in an organized manner to make my judgements.

(cuz it's fucking hilarious)

However, so many people were upset at being "wrong". Ooooor they doubled down in their previous beliefs DESPITE the clear evidence. Its ok to change your views as new information and actual facts come out.

This is called critical thinking. (Side note: they were both abusive to each other but it's clear who "started" it. Reactive abuse it still abuse though, y'all. And if you see this in yourself, recognize it, get help, and you can improve. I believe that all people can become better versions of themselves...but that's because I can't squash the optimism that lives deep down inside me)

I'll keep this simple: there's no crusade. Just presentation of evidence, my knowledge, conclusions, and feels.

I'm rather allergic to holy wars that justify murder and genocide.

Oh? You're going to ask your friends to message me to stop? You mean you're gonna recruit people to try and bully me into submission? Gonna harass me if I don't do what you want? Gonna jumpstart your own foray into abuse?

Be careful, it's a slippery slope. And once you start sliding down it, it's incredibly hard to claw your way back up.

Side note: I'm not going to be anyone's brain, legs, fingers. All of you can think for yourselves, can find the info yourselves, and type things in yourselves. The information is there. Stop being lazy if you actually want to know

[smiles-advice]

Hi so I'm just looking for some advice cause I've gotten myself into a bit of an awkward situation because of how I badly handled a different one?

So I blocked my ex a while back without actually telling him or warning. We'd fallen out of contact for a few months and I had been hoping it would stay that way so that I wouldn't have to actually do anything. But he started messaging me again out of the blue (I think to pad out asking for my help with something? but I'm not too sure). I did talk to him again for a bit but blocked him pretty quick.

For reference the reason is that he makes me really uncomfortable? I feel like he only talks to me when he wants something from me and when it's not for that reason he can be just really mean. Like just outright insulting me to my face as if it's a normal thing to do? Also he used to constantly break into my place with no warning which was just god awful but I couldn't say anything because like... If you upset someone who can break into your place mmm possibly bad consequences???? And it led me to be really anxious all the time and I ended up spiraling into the worst place mentally I've ever been?

I haven't talked to him about any of this because it quite frankly didn't seem like a good option. The one time I did tell him that he'd upset me he immediately started saying about how he was feeling suicidal which is just manipulation 101 and I know I'm a very easy person to manipulate so it's better to not put myself at risk of that.

Like I literally didn't even mention it when we split I just blamed it on my mental health and left it at that.

The problem now is that I'm trying to make new friends at uni and join new societies and I feel like every one I've joined he's also joined. (We have a lot in common so it's not surprising really) But I'm nervous now that there's going to be some sort of confrontation which I don't know if I'll be able to handle? Or I'm worried he'll talk shit about me to everyone and I won't manage to make any friends. I don't think he would actually do that because I don't think he's a bad person- I'm just pretty anxious about it all right now. I'm hoping it'll be a non-issue but ???????? I'm just not sure atp???

I know this is 100% on me for not communicating with him so I shouldn't really complain- but in my defence he does kinda scare me a little

Hiya!

First of all, apologies for the late reply. Got some bad news then fell ill, so I'm just a useless mess as always.

I don't think this is on you at all! I think this guy is displaying really scary behaviours and you're not at fault for trying to avoid a confrontation. If he scares you, he scares you, and that's not your fault.

I'd seriously recommend logging this with the authorities if you feel comfortable, especially the part where he's broken into your place on multiple occasions. and definitely talk to the university (I can't for the life of me think about what the head is called other than principal but that sounds too high school). But it needs to be on record somewhere, and maybe your uni can help separate you in some way.

also tell your friends and family! People you trust! don't be afraid in silence.

Best of luck, all my love your way, stay safe!

[naturally-recklessly]

What advice would you give to a new RPer? What does your URL mean?  How involved are you in your rp community?  What do you do when you get writer’s block? What has made you completely lose your chill? 

⨳ — MUNDAY

1. What advice would you give to a new RPer ?  My best advice would be to just have fun ! To truly experiment around your blog —write all sorts of plots that bring you joy, post little things about your muse(s) (be it edits, headcanons, playlists, etc...) or even customize a template that really fits your muse. Just never feel pressured to do things only because the majority of people are also doing them — what matters is if you enjoy them ! Otherwise, you might find yourself burned out pretty quickly. Speaking of which, whenever you feel like writing is more of a chore than something that brings you pleasure, by all means take a break — the rp partners that truly value you will understand. And last but not least, never be afraid to communicate and reach out ! As an introvert, I know this is better said than done, but trust me that for the most part, you'll only end up regretting the times you didn't. 😊

2. What does your URL mean?  Back when I started this blog in 2019, I only had two muses — Nana (an OC heavily inspired by Ai Yazawa's manga and its respective anime, which was and still is very dear to me), and Rupert (a canon muse from the movie "Sex Doll", who was so mysterious in his source material that I had to rely on headcanons to build his backstory 😆). So the url and blog's name was a direct reference to them & their personalities — Naturally Nana, Recklessly Rupert.

3. How involved are you in your rp community?  I'd say that at the moment I'm not too involved in the rp community — I only rp on this blog and keep a small circle with meaningful interactions (mostly because I've recently came back from a hiatus and I'm taking baby steps before venturing any further 😆). But speaking of meaningful interactions, I'm the kind of partner that gets super invested in our muses' little universes and absolutely loves to create edits/moodboards & playlists for them ! I also run a memes and resources blog for the rpc — Mimi's Memes — which has been somewhat inactive lately, but I do plan on starting to create things again. 😊

4. What do you do when you get writer’s block?  Most of the time, I just take a break and try to entertain myself with other activities. More often than not, inspiration will come, sparkled by a scene from a movie/series or some lyrics from a song. 😊 Speaking of which, I find it really helpful to write listening to some music ! I've got a few songs that I associate with the muses (mine and/or my partner's) or the scene I'm working on, and it really helps setting the mood and getting those replies flowing !

5. What has made you completely lose your chill?  I must say that in all these years, I've been lucky enough to avoid any unnecessary drama and toxicity, and therefore my experience has been mostly positive. So thankfully I don't really have anything to comment on this topic. 🙏

( Thank you so much for sending these, @niragixpsych ! I wish you a wonderful week ! 💖 )

[dazedpuppydairies]

New daily journaling, talking about looking for a new inexpensive hobby, and sharing about agoraphobia

Trigger Warning Going Forward For

Heavy discussion of agoraphobia

Talking about ableism within academic and healthcare spaces

Discussion of homelessness

Discussion of toxic/abusive living environments

Hiya, I'm Bandit and once again welcome to The Dazed Puppy Diaries!! Recently I've been looking for a new more inexpensive hobby so I thought I'd try to take up daily journaling on here. I've been dealing with writer's block lately, but I'm thinking just journaling about my day and maybe using some journaling prompts could help. I haven't actually found a lot of journaling prompts I like though so if you have any suggestions I'm all ears. I'm still looking for another more inexpensive hobby outside of journaling/blogging, but I'm having a difficult time.

Recently I've been coming to terms with the fact that I may have mild agoraphobia. In case you're not familiar with agoraphobia it can include the fear of leaving home alone, crowds or waiting in line, enclosed spaces, such as movie theaters, elevators or small stores, open spaces, such as parking lots, bridges or malls, and using public transportation, such as a bus, plane or train. These situations may cause the person with agoraphobia anxiety because they fear they might not be able to escape or get help, they fear they may have a panic attack or anxiety attack, or they may fear having other disabling or embarrassing symptoms, such as dizziness, fainting, falling or diarrhea. From my understanding the most common type of agoraphobia is associated with the fear of having a panic attack or anxiety attack in these settings and usually coincides with panic disorder. Though people with agoraphobia often have panic disorder it's important to note you don't need to have panic disorder or panic attacks to have agoraphobia.

I've been having trouble pinpointing the exact fear that causes me to have anxiety in these settings and often alternatively avoid them. I do have a history of panic disorder, but I don't think the fear of having panic attacks in these settings is exclusively what causes the anxiety. Having a mental health related episode rendering me helpless seems to be a big part of it, just not specifically/exclusively panic attacks. Though increased anxiety and panic like symptoms in these settings as of lately is why I've been avoiding them more. I have trouble putting it into words, but if I had to describe it I'm afraid of shutting down or having a mental health episode/symptoms that leave me trapped or helpless in some of these settings. The situations and settings that particularly cause me anxiety are going out alone, stores, and public transportation. As of lately the anxiety is getting much worse which is why I've come to terms with the fact that there's something more specific then generalized anxiety going on. I use the wording come to terms with specifically because I took note of this fear/anxiety arising all the way back in mid to late 2020, but convinced myself it wasn't an issue. I convinced myself because I was able to go outside and go to the store that I had worked through it and it was no longer an issue.

I think a big part of why I was in denial regarding this for so long is partially because my mental health team at the time invalidated all of my experiences as just anxiety. My therapist at that time once argued with me that me getting really excited was just my anxiety. She kept insisting I was anxious when I wasn't anxious and that was frustrating. I tried to explain to her that my excitement was a positive emotion and that my anxiety is a fearful emotion, but she kept saying, "I think we're talking about the same thing and just using different words to describe it". I understand physically excitement and anxiety are very similar, but psychologically they're different. Even if I was just fidgeting during an appointment she would mark that I was anxious and I stim a lot when I'm trying to concentrate so she would mark me as anxious in almost every single appointment whether I was anxious or not. Also because she was marking that I was anxious in all of my appointments that meant my psychiatric NP was also only going to pay attention to my anxiety. Then my psychiatric NP would use my anxiety to invalidate the fact that I have ADHD. One time she essentially said to me yeah you have all of the symptoms of ADHD, but we're going to keep treating for anxiety instead. She also once essentially accused me of just wanting ADHD medication for recreational uses, despite me not having a history of substance misuse, addiction, chemical dependency, etc. The main reason why I was gunning so hard for the proper diagnosis is because I wanted the diagnosis that actually matched my symptoms for my disability application. Nonetheless at the time I really didn't want to go to them expressing a new flavor of anxiety because they were already invalidating all of my other experiences as anxiety. I will acknowledge when I started going to that practice I was dealing with debilitating OCD symptoms, but I improved so much and they refused to acknowledge that which also really sucked.

Anyway I neglected my fear and anxiety surrounding these situations and settings for far long enough. I have been rather avoidant of these situations and settings recently, but something I have been able to take note of is that I feel so much better in these settings when I'm with someone like my girlfriend for example. I went to the store with my girlfriend a couple weeks ago and I wasn't all that anxious, a big part of the anxiety is being alone. I had to go to the department of human services building a couple weeks ago to get a new EBT card, I was alone and the whole time I was so anxious and just wishing I wasn't alone. I also think my OCD and other issues like social anxiety really egg on my fear in these situations.

Long story short a lot of the more inexpensive hobbies I can think of involve spending time outside and that's not super accessible to me at the moment. I would go outside and take a walk for example, but the idea of doing that makes me very uncomfortable. Like my current living situation genuinely isn't good, but I'm also very avoidant of going outside which is like a double-edged sword. Reminds me of early to mid 2021 during my senior year of high school, I was going through something similar. I was in this living situation then and people made comments like, "if it was that bad you would leave despite your fear" or, "what's worse living there or leaving". I mean my school counselor would say stuff like that to me and I thought it was insensitive then, but now I realize just how insensitive it was. Like way too invalidate both my abuse and mental health struggles all in one go. I did eventually leave in October of 2021 and become homeless. I found places to stay for over a year, but I was going to be homeless again so now I'm back in this situation. Like I've expressed my anxiety is worse now so it feels almost impossible to go back to the department of human services, and do that process all over again.

I should be moving in with two of my partners and metamor in August, but I need something to occupy my time in the meantime. I think I mentioned this in my pinned post one of my main hobbies is collecting things like dolls and stuffed animals, but that's a rather expensive hobby. On top of that you know if you collect dolls the doll second-hand market especially for lines like Monster High and Bratz is ridiculous right now. The Monster High collector dolls have been having really bad sculper issues etc etc. I don't have a proper income so I reasonably don't have money to be putting into this hobby right now so I'm looking for another one. My main hobby for a while was making kandi, but I don't have the supplies to make kandi right now. I really need to find something because I'm quite literally stuck in a bad living environment almost 24/7 with nothing to do until August. In the meantime I'm going to try journaling on here.

[alextheavoidant]

Blah blah blah

Well, this blog is pretty much just a dumping ground for my thoughts at this point, so I might as well just get as much out as I can. Easier said than done though. Kind of like having to take a real big shit. There's so much of it because you've been holding it in for so long and that pizza just had way too much cheese. But there is no pizza just a moldy block of shitty cheese that was force fed to you by someone else who can't shit out their own cheese. Yeah... that's an analogy.

Forgive me if I don't put too much thought into what I'm saying. I really don't care. This is the first time I have given myself permission to express myself, unfiltered and uninhibited by what others might think. So if I find that I am eloquently vulgar and unpleasant, well I guess that's just me. Hope you don't mind.

One of the most unpleasant things about life is the functions of the body. I often wish I just simply be a mind, unattached to the physical realm, but still a part of it. If that makes any sense. There is so much about life that I love and enjoy. So many things I appreciate and can't imagine living without. So many things I am grateful for and wouldn't change for the world. But there are also many, many things that make living nearly unbearable. I'd be lying if I said there weren't times when I wanted to give up. Many times. But suicidal ideation has never been an issue for me, thankfully. I could never kill myself. I'm far too squeamish when it comes to my body. I couldn't even climb the monkey bars as a kid because I was worried about getting blisters on my hands.

No, my self-harm, rather than coming from action, comes from a place of inaction. Of... well, avoidance. Depression and anxiety caused me to take very little care of myself. As a result, my body has been damaged permanently as a result of simply not taking care of it. In ways that are not only painful and difficult to manage, but embarrassing as well. And it's only recently that I am really starting to see just how severe my mental health has been for... pretty much my entire life.

I was a selective mute in school, starting in first grade. I had a few friends, but none that carried over into adulthood, and I never felt like I was ever able to effectively connect with them or really be myself because I was always so worried about what people would think. Even those close to me, I feel, even to this day, has never really known the real me. The only person I think who has ever really seen me is my therapist. As they are the only person who I have ever really been able to be honest with.

I always felt the need to like what others liked or disliked what everyone else hated. It took a long time to really find the ability to gauge my own feelings about things. This could become very awkward when I found find myself in a situation with two people in a disagreement who wanted my opinion. I would completely short circuit and be unable to answer, as I knew either way I would make someone upset. And that scenario is one of many reasons I found to isolate more an more as social interactions were a mine field of inner turmoil, even with the most minute of interactions.

I am happy to say that today, I am much more connected to my true, authentic self. In a way, as my therapist puts it, I always have been. I've just been too afraid to express it. I never felt like I was allowed to express it because I was taught from a young age that everything about myself was bad and wrong. Every single thing I did and said was scrutinized, scoffed at. Glared at with distain and asked how I could be so stupid. She still does this to me, to this day. My "mother".

It's taken a lot of hard work to try and tune her out, as I am too damn broken to live and exist on my own at this point. I have spent the past ten years trying to "reparent" myself, through therapy and education and a lot of self-help and self-care. I have successfully managed to rewire my brain in many aspects of my thought processes, but it was not easy. And I'm still working on it. It is an amazing thing through, when I stop and realize what I have accomplished. I have achieved things I never, ever even imagined I would.

Like self-love. That's a big one. A huge one, in fact. To know I no longer hate myself. To know I am worthy of being my number one priority. To know I am not exceptionally disgusting, annoying, defective, unworthy. That I am not uniquely deserving of scorn, contempt, hatred and distain. That the agony of loneliness and the despair of feeling trapped does not have to be a running theme for the rest of my life. I can make it. I can change it. I have come this far and I am nowhere near stopping. I have been on this road long enough to know that it won't stop. It can't stop. As I, just the person that I am, am uniquely predetermined to move forward. As that is just my nature. That is the blessing in this hell. The solace in all this chaos.

I understand, now, the many things that have come before me. What lead to all this and where it might go. And while I cannot control the road that others choose to take, I can carve out my own path. Through the brush. Through the jungle to which they fear and dare not venture. To find something better. Something sacred. Something whole.

Thanks for reading. Going back to my cave now. Baiiiiiii

[emptymanuscript]

This is a Priest of Brooding post. Essentially me thinking out loud about things that are difficult. If you don't want to deal with it, I can't find any other things tagged Priest of Brooding, so if you block that tag, you should only block this style of post and only from me.

With that out of the way:

I keep rolling a few bits now stuck in my head from Wednesday night and Thursday morning. Trying to parse a difficult topic as a kind of way of plucking at strings in an attempt to untangle a knot.

In particular, a cancer survivor said to me that they didn't think their life experiences could be helpful to me and I disagreed because it essentially already was something of a parser to my thinking. They had had the experience, like my own, where their own body was key to their unhappiness. They had experienced that betrayal and had not taken any of the leaps that I had. Which does let me untangle that what I'm going through isn't THE natural reaction to pain. There's something more than that I'm just in pain that is making me react the way I am.

And that's what I want to parse: The separate threads leading me into this knot so I can maybe untangle them and see more clearly.

My chronic pain is an obvious thread but I want to tease the rest away from it.

I certainly hate my body in part because it hurts. I don't want to hurt so I don't want my body. Simple enough.

Having low self image is a sensible thread. I don't like how I identify how people "should" look in comparison to how I do look. And I've been making some headway on that. Talking to my therapist about how I think I and my family look is certainly illuminating that I am having a deeper reaction to their looks than their actual looks. For my to define myself and my younger sister as unattractive while defining my older sister as beautiful and my father as looking the way he was supposed to look, neither good nor bad, when we all so strongly resemble each other is pretty blatant that I am not actually looking primarily at physical aesthetics. Feeling ugly is fairly clearly an emotional instead of a logical response, no matter how much logic I pour into it.

But with all that, dealing with people with pain, dealing with people with low physical self esteem, even dealing with people who hate their bodies, or have fairly noticeable gender biases in my interactions with people I know, I'm the only one to leap in my deep depressions to the idea that since I don't want to be this body, then maybe I want to be another body, maybe I want to be a body of the a different gender.

And like how do you parse that apart? How do you figure out which dysphoria is based in pain, low self esteem, or gender? Does it even matter? Would that desire go away if I didn't have the other threads? Or am I blaming the other threads so I can keep trying to avoid the topic for another 40 years? Am I just making it a tangle because I'm afraid of what a straight line it actually is?

I don't know. But I'm not feeling like "I don't know" is an acceptable answer any more. It's all well and good to say in principle that everyone should be allowed to experiment and fuck the gender binary because it is bullshit. It is not really the same thing when it is myself in practice and I'm going to have to pay the consequences of anything I say, try, or do.

[figurativepieceoftrash]

“ what happened to you? huh? what happened to you to make you this way? “ izuku to yoichi (but with a twist)

Hope this is enough of a twist for you Blou :)

------

"What happened to you, huh?" Izuku finally mutters, eyes trained on the sparse, dim lights that dot the ruined city outside. "What happened to make you this way?"

Yoichi blinks. He's been working tirelessly to convince his nephew to talk to him for the past week; he's tried begging and bargaining, insults and compliments, appeals to nostalgia, and goodwill, and guilt. He's tried everything.

And now for whatever reason, entirely unprompted after what feels like countless days of silence, his nephew poses one of the most difficult questions he's ever been asked in his life. Well, aside from the one his brother had asked him the moment before everything had gone to absolute, irreparable shit.

Family is difficult.

"Do you mean what happened to make me care about you?"

Izuku scoffs, fingers coiling tight against his palms. "You're just like him, you know that?"

Yoichi flinches, the motion causing a thin white curtain of hair to close over his left eye. He can't see Izuku now, but maybe that's fine. He doesn't really want to.

"Please don’t say that. You know it isn’t true."

A sigh.

"You aren't very self-aware, are you?" Izuku steps, deliberately, back into Yoichi's field of vision. "You're doing the exact same thing to me that he did to you, and even worse than that, you're trying to convince me that it was for my own good. You don't have any right to decide what's best for me just the same as he didn't have any right to decide what was best for you."

Yoichi swallows, twisting his chin to avoid his nephew's strikingly accusatory eyes. "If I hadn't made that deal, then your friends would be dead. Your father might have some reservations about hurting you physically but he has absolutely none about hurting you psychologically."

"You don't think I know that?" Izuku’s voice breaks on the last syllable, and although he doesn’t force himself back into his uncle's vision, the raw edge to his voice makes it obvious that he's fighting back tears. "All Might is dead. All For One might’ve been the one to put the nail in the coffin, but he wouldn't have been able to if our quirk hadn't been linked to his. You informed on us. You killed All Might."

"Izuku..." Yoichi's resolve buckles at that, but only for a moment. What he did was right. He saved his nephew from a worse fate, he knows it. "Eight's death was inevitable. You heard his sidekick. My actions didn't change anything."

"How can you say that?" There are sounds of sniffles now, interjected with the occasional scratchy breath or harsh sob. "How can you possibly absolve yourself of any of this?"

"Because you're safe!" Yoichi places all the power in his voice that he can muster. He's trying to convince himself as much as he is Izuku. "You're safe, and your friends are alive, and you may not be happy now, but you can learn to be! Hisashi was always going to win this, and the fact that I ever expected anything different is honestly laughable. If it's a matter of me verses him then I'm always the weak one! I put on a show for you, all of you, and I never expected anyone to fall for it! You weren't ever supposed to actually believe in me!"

His voice is reaching a fever pitch now, but he doesn’t care. He's right, after all. "I've watched the people I love most in life die because I stood my ground, and I am not letting you make the same mistake!"

"So this is about Second and Third?" A beat of silence. "It's funny that you're blocking me from speaking to the other vestiges, then. I assume that means that you can't speak with them either. Are you afraid that once they learn what you've done, they'll hate you?"

Yoichi begins twining a strand of hair through his fingers. It's a nervous habit, and he knows it, and he hates that he knows it.

"They'd understand." A lie. "They would want me to protect you." Not more than they would want him to protect Japan. "They... they care about me." Not anymore.

But if he doesn't give them a platform to refute him, then it can all be true. As long as they're shoved back in the dark recesses of One For All where they can't see, or hear, or speak, or know, then they still trust Yoichi. They still love him.

And he doesn't have to acknowledge anyone or anything that says otherwise.

"Sure," Izuku snorts, tone as bitter as Yoichi has ever heard it. His nephew is trying to hurt him, and as long as Yoichi has known him, he's never tried to hurt anyone. Not like this. "Keep telling yourself that. Just like your brother keeps telling himself that I care about him."

Yoichi feels tears rising to his own eyes now, but they're silent ones. They slide down his face and cling to his hair in quite, solemn tribunal, betraying the fears that he still isn't willing to confess.

"What kind of deal did the two of you make?" Izuku asks coolly. "When you decided my life for me? When you determined the future of Japan?"

He pauses, walking back into Yoichi's field of vision before planting himself directly in front of his uncle's face. "Am I going to be stuck in this penthouse apartment for the rest of my life, with a disabled quirk, and my father's constant visits, and a complete lack of sharp objects, walled in with laminated glass, and metal doors, and cinderblock, and absolutely no communication with the outside world aside from you? Are my friends even alive? Is my mother?"

He steps forward. The tears have dried on his face, leaving nothing but red, bloodshot eyes. "All For One lies, you know. If you weren't specific, if you left out even one detail, one contingency, he'll take advantage of it. My friends might be nomu, or comatose, they could be being tortured, and I can't do anything to stop it. Even though my mom is probably unharmed, she's with him, and I can't imagine any universe where that can be considered safe. And I'm here, sitting in the lap of luxury, completely unable to act. This is Hell for me, you have to know that. And you've trapped me here. Forever."

Izuku’s gaze is so intense and pointed that Yoichi immediately snaps his gaze away. Or at least he tries to. Because for whatever reason, he can't.

Izuku seems just as surprised as he is. He blinks, gazing down at his hands in evident awe. "It's my quirk."

His eyes narrow then, something dark and vengeful worming it's way into the spaces left by the compassion and understanding that Yoichi had never intended to exterminate.

"It's my quirk, not yours." His mouth twists into a bitter smile. "And here I thought you were the one in control."

Yoichi tries to speak, but he can't. His mouth won't open.

"It doesn't feel great, does it?" Izuku asks, head tilting to one side. "Being manipulated. If you're allowed to be a hypocrite, then I might as well be one too. There's no one here to judge me for it. You made sure of that."

Izuku turns his gaze away from Yoichi, eyes falling once more on the darkened and crippled city resting below. "I'm going to talk with the others, but first, I think some karma might be in order. Say hi to Second and Third for me. You three are going to have a very long chat."

Izuku smile widens as he looks out the window, and in that moment, Yoichi sees Izuku very clearly for what he is. Someone who's world has burned to the ground, and has been given a target and a match. A match they intend to use.

"Don't try to lie to them. I'll know. And before you go, I'd like to remind you... I'm not stuck in here with you, Uncle. You're stuck in here with me."

The last thing Yoichi sees before the world fades to black around him is Izuku’s slow, mocking wave. Then, he opens his eyes in a room. A very familiar one.

"Yoichi, what happened?" He freezes, going completely limp in the too-tight hug that envelopes him from either side.

"We were watching after Ninth, and then everything just went black! We've been stuck in here for..."

"Days?"

"Weeks, maybe?"

"Everyone but you-"

"And now it's no one but you-"

"Well, you and us."

Yoichi opens his mouth to lie. The words don't come. He feels something burning into his skin, from the sky, the floor, the walls, every angle...

Eyes.

In that moment, Yoichi knows that Izuku wasn't lying. He is a hypocrite. And so is Izuku. It's funny, how the imprisoned can still manage to make a vault.

[loubombshell]

Hi, with all the shit that's been going on in Ben's fandom, are you still going to continue writing on his characters? I've seen a lot of writers saying that they no longer want to do that, but me personally, don't see Billy, Logan etc as Ben so I still reading fanfics.

hey! so I'm gonna be honest I was very afraid someone would ask me this and I'm trying to avoid all this shit, going on right now.

But I'm definitely going to continue my writings. I know that social media is filled with lies and fake news and stuff like that. I'm not saying that all is fake. But it's filled with a lot of fake chats, or people getting blocked for really really mean words or posts, I saw on Twitter. I'm sure true things were said, but in my opinion the relationship of a celebrity is none of my business. I'm not supporting any racists shit right here!

I still think that Ben is an incredible actor and musician. Maybe my brain don't want it to be true, that he's dating someone like her, but as long as he doesn't say anything official about their relationship I'm gonna continue. Because I can't separate lies from facts anymore.

So I hope you can understand my opinion. Please remember that social media is filled with a lot of fake and please stay nice and respectful.

[pretendicanwrite]

Something Happened PT.1

AGHHH! I'm back. I've been working on this for a little while, and there are going to be multiple parts. I have no update schedule, but I have multiple parts written, so we'll run with it!

Character credit to the lovely @lumosinlove

This is a dark piece, so just beware. There are a few graphic descriptions, but no blood.

CW: Semi-graphic descriptions of s*xual assault, and mental health issues.

**********

Both Finn and Logan could feel Leo slowly pulling away. Some nights, instead of spending the rest of the evening with them, he would go into his own, rarely used bedroom, saying that he was going to call his mom, or that he wanted to read. Although not unusual for the other boys, Leo was almost always the one to initiate their nights of fun. He would start a movie, put some music on his speaker, or even bring out a board game.

The other two boys sat in the living room, trying to understand why their boyfriend was avoiding spending their free time with them. They each had a bowl of ice cream sitting on their lap, much to the dismay of their nutritionist. 

“Do you think something happened at home? I think he would have told us if that was the case. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be with us anymore.”

“Oh, Lo.” Finn moved to pull Logan onto his lap. “I’m sure that’s not it. He may just be going through some stuff. We have to let him take the time he needs. All we can do is care for him, and maybe ask Heather for some advice.”

“Logically I know that, but it just sucks that there’s nothing I can do because I don’t know what's going on. It kind of feels like he doesn’t want to be with us anymore. And I know that we have to respect that, but it hurts. He’s avoiding us Finn, and we don’t even know why.”

Unbeknown to the two in the living room, Leo could hear everything they were saying. He knew that he was pulling away, and he could see the toll it was taking on his boys, but he didn’t know how to stop. Everything was too much for him all the time. 

He tried telling himself he was fine, but it didn’t work. He wanted to tell himself that nothing happened to him and that he was just being dramatic. 

There were silent tears running down his face, and it was taking everything in him, not to break down sobbing and screaming. 

The thoughts running through his head felt like there were 70 computer tabs playing all different songs from different genres at their highest volume while people screamed like banshees in the background. All of his self-control was being used to trying to keep himself quiet, and there was nothing he could do to stop the thoughts. 

Leo had no clue how long he was sitting on his bed just curled up in the fetal position with tear tracks running down his face. He was only pulled out of his head by a few quiet knocks on his door. 

“Baby, Nutter Butter, can I come in?”

Leo made no move to let Finn in and only grunted in response. He wiped the sleeves of Harzy’s oversized sweatshirt across his face, trying to wipe away the evidence of his tears. He unraveled himself and sat up just as Finn walked in. 

“Hey babe, I noticed you didn’t grab dinner, so I brought you some soup. I’m afraid it’s not Leo Knut quality, but I ordered it from that diner you like a couple of blocks away.”

Silence overtook the room, neither Leo nor Finn moving. Finn just stared at his boyfriend, who had obviously been crying, trying to understand what was going on.

“Thank you.”

Finn took notice of Leo’s raspy voice. He was slowly compiling a list of all of the things he was noticing about Leo. Something was definitely up with his boyfriend, and Finn just wanted to find out what was going on. 

“Where’s Logan?”

While Finn was thinking that Leo missed his other boyfriend, much darker thoughts were going through his mind. 

‘Maybe he realized that I’m not worth his attention. Maybe he realized that there’s something wrong with me. Maybe he realized that I don’t deserve either of these two.’

“He’s a little bit worried about you, and he’s kind of radiating a nervous energy, so I didn’t want him to overwhelm you.” Finn moved to sit down on the bed next to Leo’s feet. He hesitated a little before he placed his hand on Leo’s knee, which was pulled up under his chin, the other tucked behind his foot. He took note of the subtle flinch. “Would you like me to call him in here?”

Leo hesitated a moment, not sure what he wanted. He thought that maybe Logan being worried meant that he actually cared, but, at the same time, he didn’t actually come in here, so maybe that meant he didn’t care.

“I can talk to him, tell him to calm down, or ask him just to be here. You don’t have to talk to him, or me, but if you want, we can just sit here.”

“Can we all just sit here? I’m not really in the mood to talk bout anything, or do anything.”

Finn just nodded, patted Leo’s knee, and left to go retrieve his other boyfriend. He took his time walking out to the living room, going over everything that happened in Leo’s room.

“Lo, babe, can you come here please?”

Finn sat on the couch and waited for Lo to wander out from the kitchen. He always had a habit of snacking when nervous. 

He walked out carrying a half-empty bag of Chex mix that Finn knew was full this morning. “What’s up?” He greeted, a nervous edge to his voice.

“So, Knutty asked if we could just sit in his room. I tried touching him, and it seemed to go pretty okay, but I think both of us might be a bit too much right now. We should probably just sit in there, and let Leo initiate anything.”

Logan nodded, setting his snack on the counter. 

Their kitchen was spotless except for their used bowls from tonight, drying on a towel on the counter. Leo hadn’t been making food as often, so Logan and Finn had been fending for themselves. 

If they were lucky, Leo would make dinner, but mostly on recent nights, they have been ordering in. So as not to starve, Finn and Logan would toast some bread for breakfast or eat leftovers from the night before, and make sandwiches for lunch. 

Once again nodding, Logan walked over and held out a hand for Finn. As soon as he took it, Logan pulled him up into a hug. Wrapping his arms around Finn’s shoulders, Logan let his head fall into the crook of Finn’s neck.

“I just want to know that he’s okay,” Logan said, his voice muffled by Finn’s shirt.

“Me too, baby, me too.”

They slowly and hesitantly released each other and walked back down the hall to Leo’s room.

“Hey Nutter butter, sorry we took so long. I wanted to let Logan know what’s going on, so we’re just going to sit here, and if you want to talk, or cuddle, we’ll let you take control.”

Finn and Logan moved to Leo’s bed, both sitting on the end.

The room was silent, not even the comforter rustled as they all sat still. Leo was watching his boyfriends. 

“I think I need to schedule an appointment with Heather,” Leo said, about 10 minutes later.

Finn took this in stride, his head unconsciously nodding. “Okay, would you like me to call her? We have practice tomorrow, so you can talk to her then if you want.”

“I think I’ll wait till tomorrow. I don't know if I can do practice in the morning.”

Again, Finn nodded laying his hand palm up on the bed. He made sure not to touch Leo, but also made sure he knew that he could initiate contact.

Leo Slowly set his hand on top of Finn’s not closing it, or intertwining their fingers like he usually does. He was using the contact as a grounding mechanism, focusing on the heat from Finn’s hand instead of the thoughts racing through his head. 

Noticing that it helped, Leo leaned forward and laid his head on Logan’s shoulder, resting his forehead against Logan’s pulse point. He kept count of how many beats, not caring about the time. The steady rhythmic thump gave him something to focus and think about. 

“I think I want to go to sleep.”

“Okay. Do you want to sleep in here or would you like to sleep in our room?”

Leo wordlessly got up, grabbed both of his boyfriends' hands, and pulled them towards what used to be Finn’s bedroom, but now is the one they all sleep in. 

They laid in bed, Leo barely catching an ounce of sleep, his mind still racing.

By the time they made it to practice in the morning, Leo could barely keep his eyes open, and his boys were growing more concerned with each wobbly step he took. Without even sparring a glance towards the rest of the team, Leo walked right down the hallway towards Heather’s office. He knocked on the door, stepping in when given the okay, and fell into the chair across from her side of the desk. 

“Any specific reason you’re here today Leo?”

Leo faltered a minute, not sure whether he was ready to tell anyone anything. Finally, looking down at his lap, “Something happened to me,” he muttered.

**********

Part one? More to come in the next part!

Feel free to leave me prompts!

[spookyspecterino]

HI! My name is Bruna and I'd die of happiness if you wrote anything (text, little story, headcanons, whatever you have time for) about Bruno and a Bruna's little romance ❤

Thanks a lot for your time!! You're an amazing writer ❤

I'm sorry this took so long to answer, I've been in writer's block hell for like a week. Good news is that I've managed to drag and crawl my way out..

While I usually don't take requests I absolutely can't say no to doing some headcanons.

I also added two little short blurbs because writing small, stress free bits gives me joy.

I hope you like!

A Few Bruno HeadCanons:

When Bruno was first interested in you, he was very nervous all the time when you were near. He would shuffle his feet and grab at his arm, generally avoiding eye contact and staring at the ground.

But that doesn’t mean he avoided looking at you altogether. He would sneak glances at you, little quick ones. If you turned away or were focusing on something in a different direction he would stare for longer, trying to memorize your gestures and the way you moved.

He loves the way you dress, the colors you choose and how you do your hair, he has no idea how you can be so effortlessly beautiful all the time. You have the ability to take his breath away with a single glance, a smile will cause his mind to go blank.

Every time you speak, he does his best to memorize your voice, the sound of it dropping or raising when you were excited about something. He loses his train of thought whenever he hears you laugh. He would do anything to make you laugh again so he can hear the sweet noise.

When he’s alone in his tower he imagines scenarios with you. He can’t stop thinking about you or thinking about the next time you’ll be around him. He lives for the moments that you share with him. He’ll make excuses to go into town to try and catch a glimpse of you.

As time went on and you were around Bruno more often, he would gradually be less nervous, less flighty. He would relax himself, letting his shoulders drop or his eyes linger on yours.

Introducing you to his rats was accidental, they ran up to as you walked through the Madrigal’s home. Bruno froze with fear, afraid that you would run screaming from the house, but you picked one up and smiled widely. He watched as your eyes lit up in delight and you talked to them with a baby voice. After that he took time to introduce every last one of them, you loved every second.

The first time he described one of his rat telenovelas he was very, very nervous; terrified that you would think he was strange. Instead, you surprised him by paying close attention and asking questions. You were smiling at him encouragingly and he felt as if his heart was going to burst from happiness.

He doesn’t like PDA, he still gets very self-conscious around people outside of you and his family, but he’ll show his affection in others way out in public. He’ll brush up against your arm sweetly, or graze his hand against yours while trying to catch your eye. He’ll stand really close to you, not exactly touching you, but close enough for you to feel the warmth of his body. If you hold his hand in public, he’ll get extra shy, fluster easily, and constantly blush.

He can never truly describe how it makes him feel to have you next to him, to know that you care about him. He’ll do small things to show you that he cares too, like surprise you with flowers, or slip a love letter under your door. His favorite thing to do is to slip little polished bits of green glass (like small jewels) in places you’ll find them later. He’d sit in his tower and imagine your reaction when you found them.

You have to initiate your first kiss with Bruno but after the first few times he’ll gain the confidence to kiss you whenever he feels like it, and he wants to kiss you all the time. He’ll hardly ever do it in front of his family, but he’ll steal you away into another room in order to kiss you, leading you away and then quickly turning around to cup your face in his hands and press his lips to yours.

Absolutely loves to cuddle with you, he’ll wrap his arms around you in bed and find any excuse to keep you close to him. His favorite thing to do is for you to sit in front of him and he’ll hold you from behind as you lean back against his chest. Occasionally, you’ll tilt your head back to look up at him and try to kiss the underside of his chin, making him laugh every time.

And for the small blurbs~

Bruno held the flowers tightly in one hand, he stopped and turned around to pace in front of your door. He had rehearsed this for days, but his nerves were getting the better of him now.

“(Y/N), will you… do me the honors...? Hm- no.” He sighed before continuing his rehearsed words quietly under his breath. “It would make me the happiest man in Encanto if… -I would be the happiest man in all of…” He chewed his lip, looking up at the darkening sky.

Bruno was preparing himself to ask you on a date for the first time and his nerves were an absolute mess. He had been working his way up to this moment for at least a month, since he realized his feelings for you were much more than just friendly. Since then, he could hardly eat, barely sleep; every waking moment he spent thinking of you, thinking about having you all to himself. The thoughts were a double-edged sword as his insecurities would eventually creep in, but he couldn’t let that get in the way now.

As he whispered ‘knock on wood’ under his breath light splashed against the ground illuminating Bruno’s back. He spun around to see your outline against the light from inside your home, his heart skipping a beat.

“Oh, Bruno!” You greeted, happily surprised to see him. You had a rag in your hands that you were using to dry a bowl, sleeves pulled up around your elbows and your hair tied back. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” You asked sweetly.

He could only stare as all the thoughts in his head went blank and he forgot everything he practiced. Even if you were only wearing your everyday clothes and an apron you still looked stunning to him. Loose strands of hair stuck out of your ponytail and framed your face, and he wished he could reach out and brush them back behind your ear. He could vividly imagine himself walking up to you, taking the bowl from you and setting it down, grabbing you by the hips and pressing you into the door frame. Placing his forehead to yours before learning down and kissing your soft lips, feeling how warm and delicate were against him, hearing your breath hitch as he slid his tongue into your mouth, pushing you into the wooden frame with his body against yours-

“Bruno…?” You asked him gently with a puzzled smile.

He blinked with widening eyes, yanked from his thoughts. He realized he was blushing madly and stammered “Oh, yes- um… these are for y-you.” He held out the flowers to you with a shy smile.

Taking them, you smelled the delicate bundle with a blissful expression. Bruno wished he was a more confident man as his thoughts threatened to stray back into daydreams, his eyes glancing at the door frame of your home.

“Lilac, my favorite. Thank you.” Your beaming expression threatened to derail him into a stumbling mess.

He cleared his throat. “(Y/N), I came to see you tonight, to ask if you would- if you’d like to- go on a date with me?”

Your smile grew from ear to ear as your eyes filled with light. “I’ve been waiting for you to-“ you stopped yourself, stumbling over your words as you struggled to control your feelings of joy “Yes! Yes, of course Bruno, I would love to!”

He let out a shaky breath of relief “I wasn’t sure if you’d say yes, I thought-“. But your running hug cut him off mid-sentence.

“I really like you, Bruno.” You whispered into his neck as you pulled him close.

Feeling your breath against his skin sent shivers through him, your hair tickled his nose and lips and he smiled softly, letting go of any doubts he had about tonight. His warm hands gently slid across your back as he pulled you close, pressing his face into your shoulder, breathing in your sweet smell. He wished he could stay like this forever.

XXX

“Bruno, mi amor, please stand still.” You asked with a hint of impatience coloring your voice.

“Lo siento, lo siento.” He mumbled in response as you adjusted the collar of his white button-down shirt, shifting his tie a little to the left.

It was Julieta’s wedding day and Bruno shuffled nervously in place, uncomfortable and self-conscious in anything that wasn’t his ruana. His eyes avoided the mirror when you stepped back to look at him and you gave him a soft look.

“Qué pasa?” You asked him gently.

He cast his eyes to the ground “I’m nervous, I don’t want to mess anything up like Pepa’s wedding and-“

“Bruno…” you coaxed. “You didn’t do anything wrong at Pepa’s wedding, and I promise, I will be with you the entire time.”

He squeezed your hand a little, giving you a tiny smile. “Thank you, (Y/N). I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Well, you’d have to ask your mother fix your tie, and she probably wouldn’t be as gentle.” You joked lightly, stepping close to him to mess with the stubborn piece of cloth once again. You felt Bruno’s chuckle against your face before his hand reached up to tuck a few loose strands of hair behind your ears.

“Te amo.” He whispered as his fingers lingered against the skin of your cheek.

You looked up at him with a smile “I love you too.”

Bruno’s other hand came up to hold your face in his palm. His eyes were full of love and affection as he looked down at you, your hands pressed against his warm chest. You stretched up to close the distance between your mouth and his, feeling Bruno smile into the kiss as you did so. Sighing softly, he held your head in his hands gingerly, pulling you closer to him. When his doubts and insecurities threatened to overwhelm him, he could always count on your help, your calming presence and comforting, soft words of reassurance.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, rubbing his soft skin and brushing through his dark curls. When Bruno twisted his mouth to deepen the kiss you protested weakly.

“Bruno…” you jokingly grumbled with a loving smile through his continued kissing, “We’ll be late-“

He didn’t slow, and his arms moved down to wrap around your waist, pulling you over toward the bed. You had trouble resisting as you felt his fingers gripping you tightly.

He grunted gently and whispered against your lips, pulling you down onto the bed with him “Then let us be a little late…”

[imagineimpact]

hi !! is it ok if i request a one-shot kaeya x reader? i've had this phrase in my mind for a bit and i just dont know what to do with it. "uh.. kaeya? you can stop holding my hand now..."

Yes, of course it is! I may or may not have written this when I saw it and it may or may not have been really early in the morning when I did, but I love getting prompts like this!

Enjoy!

No Hurry To Let You Go

Kaeya x Reader

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“Happy Windblume Festival!” You greet another guest to Mondstadt, one who had just asked you for directions and was now on their way up to see the church of Barbatos. Quite the crowd had seemed to amass on this particular day, and it was hard to even see the usual faces around - Marjorie would be making a lot of sales today, as would Flora, but the sheer amount of people stopped you from witnessing the sight.

Yeah, you weren’t too good with crowds. The thought of stepping into this, where you would be pushed around and have to say 'excuse me' a hundred or so times was rather offputting, for many reasons. So, instead, you hovered by the blacksmith’s forgery, waiting for the crowd to disperse ever so slightly into the festivities.

The problem was, though, that you had been waiting for three hours.

Your eyes wander through the crowd to seek out a familiar face - any would do. Why did there have to be just so, so many guests here today?

“Hey, fancy joining me at the tavern for a bit?” A voice beside you - a familiar presence indeed - appears out of nowhere. You startle slightly, much to his amusement.

“Ah, good afternoon Kaeya.” You smile, your eyes meeting his. “Aren’t you busy with, you know, the festivities?”

He scans over you, a light smile on his face as his eyes twinkle with interest. “As a knight, it is my duty to ensure that each individual enjoys their time during the festivities.” He chuckles to himself. “You seem oblivious to the fact that you’ve been standing there for hours now.”

“You noticed, huh?” You're slightly unamused by the teasing. “Well, you know I don’t really, uh...”

“Oh, you’re afraid of getting lost in the crowd?” He asks, reading you with such ease that it’s almost frustrating.

In a way, though, it’s the cause for that smile spreading across your expression. “Well, not exactly. I was just, um, waiting for there to be a bit less people.”

He chuckles. “Right.” You might as well have told him you could fly with how much he had seen through your words.

“I really am.”

“Oh, I believe that you are, but it’s because you lack fondness of such crowds.” He leans closer. “I believe you still haven’t answered my request, by the way.”

“You’re request? Oh! Right.” Your eyes wander away to look at the crowd for a moment. It was about time that you had something to eat anyway, so there was no real fear in going. Plus, it would give you an excuse to get through all these people. “Sure, I’ll join you.”

“Lovely.” He straightens back up, but leans back down for just a moment. You feel his hand take yours, adjusting itself slightly to your palm.

A heat rises to your face. “Kaeya?”

“We don’t want to get separated now, do we?” He chuckles to himself, stealing a quick glance your way before turning and taking the chance to guide you to his side.

No arguing with that logic. You release a deep breath, relieved that your friend had approached you. His presence beside you is a welcome warmth, and due to his status and stature, he has much more ease navigating the crowds than you would have if you were alone.

It takes about twenty minutes of walking before you find fresh air, the crowd not surrounding Angel’s Share. Usually this walk would take half that time, but with your slow pace navigating the crowds, it was far more tedious than expected.

Kaeya still grips your hand when you reach the tavern door. “Uh, Kaeya?” You hold up your clasped hands. “You can stop holding my hand now.”

“Hmm?” His eyes linger over the hands as he opened the door with his other. “Oh, I know.” He looks away as if mindlessly returning back to a task.

Instead, he grips your hand tighter and leads you into the tavern ahead of him.

“Wh- Wait-“ You stutter out, flustered at the notion.

“There’s no hurry.” He spoke simply, very much to avoid you mentioning it again.

“Kaeya-“

“Are you two going to keep blocking the doorway?” A tired voice rings out from behind the counter.

“Oh, Diluc, I didn’t know you would be working today.” You pipe up, trying to avoid the typical tense conversation between the two brothers.

“Festivities are typical cause for me to work. It’s due to be quite busy in here soon.” His eyes rest on Kaeya. “Of course, when people have a proper job to do, they haven’t the opportunity to rest during such occasions.”

“As always, Diluc, taking a chance to slander the Knights of Favonius.” Kaeya’s voice is unusually disinterested in the typical unfriendly banter. “We’re just taking a break before the crowds get any worse. A certain someone was near about to pass out from exhaustion.”

That’s when Diluc’s eyes flicker to your clasped hands. His expression shifts slightly as if he is rather amused by such a development. Still being polite, however, he doesn’t mention it. “If you’re that exhausted, then take a seat. I assume you won’t enjoy drowning in wine like your present company.” He says to you, turning his head to look into the interior of the tavern. “Find a seat somewhere. Away from me.”

Your hand is being squeezed - near suffocation - by Kaeya, who scoffs at his brother, “As always, you-“

“Thanks, Diluc.” You interrupt Kaeya and quickly pull him away from a potentially endless argument.

He’s indignant for a moment, then takes stride in front of you and leads you up the stairs for the utmost privacy.

Kaeya is unusually quiet as he leads you to a table in the corner, away from the few other people who are in the bar. Diluc is right; In a few hours, this entire tavern would be overfilling with guests.

Still, Kaeya leads you to a table and you both sit down, his hand still grasping yours. Was it overkill at this point? Most certainly.

“Hey, Kaeya?” You call again to grab his attention. He meets your gaze with a slight reluctance, as if pulled from a strange thought. It's unusual for him to be so reserved. You squeeze his hand. “Everything alright?”

“Why, of course it is.” He leans forward slightly, pulling your hand as if to have you do the same. “I’m right in front of my favourite person.”

Your cheeks tinge a light pink and he chuckles at the change. Your eyes narrow slightly - He’s doing this on purpose. “Is that why you’re insisting on holding my hand so tightly?”

“Hmm.” He hums quietly. “Well, perhaps I just want your attention.” He stares across at you. “Perhaps I wouldn’t want you to be thinking about anyone else right now, or want you to get lost in either your thoughts or the crowds.” His eyes scan yours, a delay for testing your acceptance of his words. “And perhaps, of course, I don’t want any other man to take your hand away from me.”

Your eyes widen a bit in surprise at his words. Though not unusually bold, they are certainly more, well, direct than usual.

He held your hand under the table, the two of your quiet as footsteps came approached from the stairwell. “Some wine and food for the table.” Diluc announces haphazardly, though delicately he does place the items onto the table. You look up toward him, and feel your hand being squeezed again.

The unusual action comes across more possessive than you had seen Kaeya before. It’s incredibly flustering for your thoughts.

Diluc notices how quickly you look away from him, and his eyes flicker to Kaeya. He notices something, but wanders away from the table regardless at the sound of your quiet 'thanks'. Perhaps he believed himself to be interrupting a moment - which, perhaps he was.

Finally, he lets your hand go, leaning back in his chair. “Now, my dear, let’s enjoy our time together while it’s still quiet enough for you.” He smiles delicately, as if moments ago he hadn’t spoken strangely.

You decide to play along with it, not certain how to deal with the stirring in your heart as you both lift your glasses and let the clink resound in the air when they meet, pushing away any other emotions you might be feeling.