#i've been suffering from burn out and a creative block...

[loosesodamarble]

how would nacht react or what would he do if he found out that his crush or s/o came from an abusive family.

Sorry for the wait, Anon. Hopefully the headcanons I share now make up for it.

Content warning(s): abuse in Reader's backstory; as such, there will be brief depictions of abuse (specifically emotional abuse/neglect)

..........

Nacht believed there was plenty about you to admire. You treated everyone with kindness. Or at least civility. Your smile was warm and beautiful. You spoke fondly of your loved ones and passions. When he spent time with you, he felt like a normal man.

He believed you were one of the few, rare, people that was good right from the start.

He fell in love with how you were good in the simplest but best ways.

One day, Nacht decided to express his admiration for you, possibly even confess. He called you "an amazingly kind person."

You stopped short and looked at him, brows furrowed and lips curled into a frown. "Nah, you've got it all wrong. I'm nothing special."

Nacht was confused but when you pulled away from the conversation, he knew it wouldn't be right to press you right away. But the seeds of worry were planted that day.

That worry grew when one day, when he tried to ask about your latest creative project, you brushed him off. And your kindness started to feel more strained. And you acted more restless, anxious even.

Nacht tried to approach you, but you brushed him off over and over. Eventually, he took you by the shoulders, looked you dead in the eyes, and begged, "Please, tell me if something is wrong."

You broke down in tears and through your sobs you explained how you'd visited your family and how unpleasant it was.

You had tried to explain your recent project to your parents but they brushed you off saying "okay, so are you doing anything that's productive?"

When you talked to your sibling about your job, they remarked that you could've "been doing better."

You were hysterical and ended up venting. About how they never had time for you. How you could never impress them. How invisible you felt at times.

"They were right when they said I haven't changed at all since they last saw me," you sobbed to Nacht.

Nacht let you vent. Let you cry on his shoulder. Hold onto him for stability. The intimacy he wanted with you had been achieved, but possibly in the worst circumstances.

Once you'd cried yourself dry, Nacht put an arm around you and whispered, "I'm sorry that your family has treated you in such a way. To think that the people who should've supported you treated you coldly, you don't deserve it."

Nacht now understood why you'd reacted the way you did earlier on, because you'd been led to believe that you weren't worth notice.

"I know this doesn't make up for your family's treatment, but I want you to know that you're wonderful and deserving of love."

His words were so soft and while somewhat unsure, there was a power to them that moved you to tears again.

After that conversation, Nacht would you rebuild your confidence. Small affirmations daily. Reminding you that he wants to hear about your life, even if it seems mundane. Stopping you from being too critical of yourself.

He wouldn't go overboard with praising you. He would've tried and realized it actually made you more self-conscious. But Nacht definitely lets you know that your efforts aren't wasted.

He would do his best to make himself emotionally available to you. When you need to vent negativity or ramble about good things, he'd be there to listen to you.

Nacht might be a little overly cautious and would ask you not to visit your family. Not for a loooooooong time. He doesn't want them to break your spirits all over again.

A proper confession would wait for another day. He does want to love you, openly. But you loving yourself comes first.

[purrincess-chat]

For the writers truth or dare ask: 🌿❄️🍄

Give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

So, this is something I've actually been dealing with a lot over the past year. Some of it is out of my control, but the other side is just a general lack of motivation. Here are a few tips I've found that are helpful for me:

First, identify where your block is coming from. Is it because a scene isn't working and you don't know how to fix it? Is it because you don't know what to do next in the story? Is something else in your life stressing you out? Do you suffer from a mental illness that may be making you feel disconnected? Once you recognize what kind of block you're facing, you can find ways to overcome it.

The way you handle your block is going to depend on what kind of block it is. For me, I've been dealing with a lot of outside stress in my personal life that doesn't usually leave me with much mental energy to devote to writing or even some of my other hobbies. In cases like that, I've found it's best to be patient and kind to yourself. I've been working on managing my stress and taking breaks to fight the burn out. If this is the case for you, I can tell you it's sadly a slow process depending on your circumstances. Be kind to yourself, write when you can, and don't beat yourself up if you are struggling, it will only make it worse. Try to rebuild a habit of writing. Maybe set aside a certain time every day or every other day to write, even if you can only manage a few words. Building a habit will help you get back into the swing of things. If your daily life is too hectic to allow for that, then put the writing down and take care of your business. Sometimes things are just more important than writing, and you shouldn't feel guilty for putting aside a hobby. Life is hard. You'll get there.

If your struggle comes from being stuck on a particular scene, I have a couple of remedies that usually work for me. One way is to skip ahead and bridge the gap later, so for me if a conversation between characters isn't going how I want, or what happens more to me is filling in exposition between conversations, I might skip ahead to the next portion of the scene or chapter that I can clearly picture in my head and work on that for a while. Often times I find when I go back to bridge the two sections later, it's a lot easier seeing where exactly I need to end up, and I can usually fix the problem with a sentence or two that was previously tripping me up. The second option that I also sometimes run into is if I follow a particular thread and find out it's a dead end or just not flowing how I want, I might cut a chunk of the most recent bits I've written. Sometimes I delete it, other times I just cut it and paste it either further down on the same doc or by itself onto a blank doc. That way if I decide I want to keep it or add it back later, it's not totally gone, but sometimes going back and rewriting a particular bit that isn't quite working how I want gives me a fresh start to try something else. Writing sometimes is throwing things at a wall until something sticks. It's okay to delete something you've already written or cut it. In fact, oftentimes it's needed. It can be frustrating when you realize something you've spent a lot of time on just isn't working, and you have to cut it, but in the end, if it will fix the issue, it's unfortunately time to swallow your pride and just cut it.

On the other hand, if your block is coming from just not knowing what to do next in the story, I have a few options to re-spark inspiration. First, I recommend rereading over what you've written. Get a sense for what you already have on the page or in your notes. Next, revisit the source material you're writing from if you're writing fic. Sometimes I find that putting myself back into that world helps me put myself back into the characters heads, and sometimes getting a renewed sense for who the characters are and what drives them can help me figure out how they would react in a given situation or what choices they might make. Third, ask yourself what your end goal is, then work on figuring out what you need to get your characters or plot there. I know a lot of people don't like outlining, but if you find yourself running into this issue a lot, it might be worthwhile to figure out a system that works for you. I utilize a number of different kinds of outlines when I write. I usually start with a bare bones outline and summarize each chapter in a sentence or two. What is the main focus of each chapter? After that I work on a more detailed outline and fill in the blanks, focusing on what I want for each character throughout the story. What challenges will they face, what lessons do they need to learn, what flaws are they going to overcome, and how are they going to grow? Once I know that, I work on putting them in situations that will accomplish that. Sometimes, when you're making things up as you go with no real plan, it can be easy to write yourself into a corner. Planning a little bit ahead of time can help you see where you're going and hopefully avoid pitfalls. If you've already fallen into a pitfall, I'd recommend advice I gave earlier and go back to the point where things went wrong and cut the parts that aren't working and try a new approach. Writing takes patience, and you don't always get it right the first time. That's perfectly fine, just keep trying.

Some other remedies that work for me are taking time to clear my mind and refocus on the story I'm telling. I may go for a walk, or clean my room, or listen to a song that reminds me of the characters/story. I'm not the best example of it, but also sometimes reading other people's work (professional or otherwise) can spark inspiration, or studying the way they tell their story can help you figure out how to tell your story. Also, keep in mind that you're not going to crank out 3k every single day. Sometimes all you can manage is 500 words or even one sentence. That's fine. Every day is different. Just keep going. It's difficult to give a blanket piece of advice because everyone suffers differently. Hopefully any of this advice was helpful 😅

What's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

Ooo, so it depends. I have a lot of ideas all the time, and I love all of them in different ways for different reasons. I've been dipping my toes into the LoZ fandom lately, particularly the botw/totk side. I've been working on a Zelink fic that picks up right after botw ends and bridges the gap between botw and totk following how they began recovering from the calamity, so right now that is my dream fic, I suppose. I've also been working on my secret project for ML that I'm not quite ready to reveal yet, but it's another Adrinette centric story (surprise, surprise, Cat) where the reveal has happened and they're together, but things aren't as wonderful as they'd hoped. As for who will write them, ehhh me 😅 all of my ideas are things that I would write. But typically if I post about something publicly like in one of my brain dump posts, I don't mind if other people get inspired by the idea and want to write it. 🤷‍♀️

Share a head canon for one of your favorite ships/pairings

I'll give two because my brain lately is oscillating between love square and Zelink.

For the love square, I headcanon that Adrien would be the dad that wants to take his kids to do everything that he couldn't do as a kid, and Marinette has to reel them back in bc I don't care if it's fun for you, you can't take our five year old skydiving. Let's just go to Disneyland 🤦‍♀️

For Zelink, I headcanon that post botw, pre totk when Zelda is a teacher at the school in Hateno, that Link often brings her a picnic lunch, and they sit outside under a tree in the school yard and eat his cooking while talking about their day. I also hc that Zelda would absolutely rope him into teaching PE to the kids.

[alwaysteveswife]

Hi, I've seen your work and I really love it, I'm anxious to see what you do in Midnight with Eddie's story 😁, I wanted to ask you for a one shot of Eddie, if it's not too much trouble, meeting reader for the first time with this prompt 047. the bottom of a huge library, surrounded by books, when a black book falls from the highest shelf. would he try to talk to her? Or would he look at her from afar, thank you so much from before, it doesn't have to be right away, I understand you might be busy 💖💖.

Thanks for being so nice 🤧 and sorry for the delay, it hasn't been my week 🤧 buuuuut, here's the result ^^ I hope you like it.

Ever since you arrived in San Francisco, all you wanted to do was go into the library a few blocks away from your new home. It was, simply put, the place of your dreams. It was made of brick, a vine covered its walls, leaving only the windows free to let the sunlight in during the day. The door was made of glass, golden letters with the word "local library" rested impeccably on the transparent material. Ever since you set foot in the city, all you wanted was to go in there, take a book with you and walk to the coffee shop in front of it, be able to drink your favorite coffee and enjoy a good read while listening to the ambient music that the place had. Yes, a dream come true.

It took you much longer than planned to be able to carry out that plan, you had forgotten how busy it was to move. A week had passed, most of your furniture had a place, your clothes were still in the suitcases, but you weren't too worried about it, it was a quick thing to fix, and your eagerness to get into the place was significantly greater.

It was five o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, you remember it very lucidly. You opened those big glass doors and held in a gasp of excitement as you saw how big and beautiful it was inside.

The whole place was covered with small plants. Hundreds of shelves surrounded the place, all divided by sections, from children's literature to economics books.

Mischievous laughter caught your attention, you almost choked when you noticed that it also had a children's section that tried to encourage reading among the next generations through art and creativity.

You closed your eyes and mentally screamed at the sky, you were in fucking heaven.

You spent the afternoon among shelves, books and plants, too excited to notice what was going on around you. You had visited almost every section, except for one; recipe books. You were never great in the kitchen, you weren't bad, but you preferred to save yourself the suffering of accidentally cutting yourself, or putting too much salt in a meal, or, in the worst case, almost burning the kitchen, so you were never too interested in the subject. Despite that, you shrugged your shoulders and walked into those aisles, looking at the odd one or two that had a cover that made your guts growl with hunger.

The next thing that happened was a bit of a blur, it happened so fast you weren't even sure what had happened. A loud thump on your back sent you crashing into the bookshelf in front of you, causing one or another book to swing off its perch. You, who were too busy rubbing your head and cursing whoever had pushed you, completely ignored the fact that one of the books was about to fall on your head. By the time you realized it, the book was almost on your head, what's more, you were already assimilated, you could feel the bump start to grow and the pain create a crystalline layer of water over your eyes, yes, you could already feel even the ice pack to ease the pain.

"That was close" muttered a man behind you. It took you a while to realize he was holding the book just above your head, "Are you okay?".

You turned around to get a better look at him so you could thank him properly. You almost choked when you saw him from the front.

He was taller than you, had big brown eyes, his hair was long and messy, barely kept in a low bun. His smile was so friendly you almost couldn't believe it belonged to him, a guy with body tattoos, an ear piercing and a very 80's rock outfit.

"I'm so sorry, my niece is kind of hyper" an embarrassed chuckle escaped his lips, bringing his hand to his hair and messing it up slightly.

You looked to your left as you noticed a small pink shadow move. A little girl, no more than 7 years old, was standing next to you. She had her brown hair tied up in a messy braid with a pink bunny pin. She looked nervous, her paint-stained hands fiddling with the skirt of her kitten dress gave her away instantly.

"Jessica Taylor Harrington, come apologize to the lady."

You almost had a heart attack when you heard what he called you. God, was all your bad luck finally fading away? Was this a sign that you were made for life in San Francisco?

"I'm so sorry, Miss Pretty," the girl murmured, her fingers intertwining with each other, avoiding your gaze at all costs, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

It almost melted your heart to see her little eyes look at you with sorrow and regret. You weren't a fan of children, but there was always an exception, wasn't there?

"It's nothing, don't worry" you smiled as you watched his face light up as she looked at the man from earlier. He smiled back, giving her both thumbs up in excitement, the black book that almost fell on your head rested under his arm.

"Alright, let's get this back where it belongs and-" the man's voice lowered its volume as he paused on the book's cover, "Oh, lucky you" a bright smile crept onto his face, showing the book to Jessica, "isn't this the one your dad needed?"

"Yes!" squealed the little girl, bouncing in place. Sooner rather than later, her uncle started jumping up beside her, carrying her in his arms and laughing. "Let's go to daddy!"

"Yes, let's go to your dad" he replied teasingly, turning his back on you and walking to the counter near the entrance.

"Wait!" you yelled before you could even think about it. It didn't take you long to close your eyes tightly, mentally claiming yourself for doing something like that.

The man turned around, his eyes fixed on you, a smile still on him. You felt your heart race as you watched the sunlight hit his back and made him glow.

"Yes?" he asked in a soft voice. The little girl in his arms watched you two curiously, her small hands wrapped around Eddie's neck.

"Thank you, for catching the book" you smiled embarrassed, trying to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. "Could you, I don't know, tell me your name? I want to know what the guy's name is who just made me save an ice pack."

You smiled as you heard him laugh at your joke. You liked that sound, it looked good on him.

"I'm Eddie" he held out his free hand to you, shaking it as soon as you wrapped yours around it.

"Y/N, a pleasure".

"Well, see you soon" he murmured, his hand still entwined with yours.

You nodded, your cheeks lighting up quickly. "That I hope, Eddie".

He just smiled back at you, this time a little wider than before. He pulled Jessica up a little higher, walking over to the counter and resting the book on it.

"Were you flirting with Miss Pretty?" the girl said, giving him a playful look that Eddie knew all too well.

"Of course not" Eddie whispered, hoping you didn't hear what he was saying.

"Liar" she laughed, hugging Eddie by the neck tightly, "mommy and daddy will love the news."

Eddie just rolled his eyes, knowing what was coming next. Jessica would run to the coffee shop across the street and tell Steve everything, Steve would tell his wife everything, and finally the three of them would pester him about this incident for the rest of his life. At least, Eddie thought, Jessica had helped him be able to talk to you instead of standing there for almost an hour staring at you from afar.

Masterlist

[dxctorstephenstrange]

OOC: Frustrated Rant Incoming. Strap In.

// Okay, I need to say a few things, because if I don't, it's going to fester and burn inside me, and that's not good for my mental health. If, after you read what I'm about to say, you've decided you've had enough of my shit, find the Unfollow button next to my blog name and click it. I'm too angry right now to get all gooey around the edges and beg you to understand and sympathize. Here goes...

I have posted here several times, lamenting that I haven't found the time or muse to come back fully and write for Stephen. I could've easily quit and peaced out, assuming that neither would come back to me enough to continue, but I stuck with it in the hopes that the stars would align in my favor.

I just need people to understand that there are justifiable reasons for me being absent. To wit: 1. Real life is a bitch, and gets in the way of my more enjoyable endeavors whenever it jolly well feels like it. There's nothing I can do about that except roll with it in the hopes that the clouds will part and the way will be clear for me. There's work; there are household matters; there are medical issues; plenty of things about real life are more than happy to build a road block in front of anyone wanting to kick back and express themselves creatively.

2. My depression rollercoaster has added a lot more dips and curves that I've had to ride lately, so even when I might find a moment or two to sneak in, I've likely been strapped into a seat on that ride and forced to endure it. If you're fortunate enough to not suffer from severe clinical depression, be as thankful as you possibly can, but also be mindful of the havoc it can wreak on others. One day you're as up as you can be, and later - even that same day - you can be free-falling into despair. Also, if you do suffer from depression, be mindful that it affects everyone a bit differently. What works for you may not work for me, and vice versa.

3. If you and I talk outside of Tumblr - mainly through Discord (Shatterhand2049) - you may notice that I'm not too good at initiating discussions. The reason is that I always believe I'm bugging people by messaging them, or that people just plain don't want to talk to me; otherwise, they'd message me. I'd like to believe I'm wrong on both counts, but I don't know that unless I ask, which is a whole other flavor of awkward. Just, please: Do not assume I don't give a shit because I'm not messaging you. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you're wondering what's going on, for the love of all that's holy: ASK. Don't wait until I finally come back and work up the nerve to reach out, and then be pissed off at me or act all aloof and distant. I shouldn't have to go into Columbo mode and suss out of you why you're coming off like you don't care anymore.

It's not like I expected a fucking ticker-tape parade or happy tears and hugs when I finally found the time and muse to return here. It's not that big a deal; I'm back, so if you feel like writing, let's do this.

Just...don't treat me like a schmuck, okay? Don't make me feel like I shouldn't have even bothered. We've all been where I was; it just took way longer for me than it may have ever taken for you. Nothing I can do about that except just keep pushing through the bedlam until I find an open space. Now I've found one. Don't make me feel like I should just crawl back into the chaos and stay there.

And, if you're out there thinking I'm being passive-aggressive or whatever by writing this, well...tough shit. I don't really care how my message is perceived, quite frankly; I only care that it's seen. Again, if you don't like my attitude, you know how to unfollow/block me. I'm not going to beg for understanding. I'm a bit too fed up at the moment to drop to my knees and plead to be spared.

Okay; enough of this horseshit. Game on.

[chirpycreations]

I live, I think :P

Hello, I've been drowning in school work & procrastination the last 3-4 weeks. How have you all been doing? Good I hope and if not, I'd like to offer you a complimentary hug :)

Okie dokie, so I'm nearly finished my art course! Rather exciting, I've got two big assessments left, and I'm done. I'm looking forward to sharing some of my work once the course is over, I've got a couple really nice ones I wanna share & add to my portfolio.

I also want to get back into doing weekly art uploads. It's a habit I've really fallen out of and want to get back into. Try get my creativity going again too. I dunno how to describe it but I've been feeling really... blank. I just... I want to draw, but I look at the paper and nothing happens. Which, it's really weird given I used to be SO good at it. I think it's a lack of practice, since I've really been hammering away at story writing the last 2 years. Nothing wrong with that, and my wrist injury certainly thanked me for the long break, but I just wanna get the creative juices following again and a consistent upload every week schedule is a good way to rebuild this rusty habit and you guys'll get some cool art out of it too ^^

I don't have much else to say. It's late my side, my brain is sleepy. Mostly wanted to pop in, give a quick update on life and lack of art & story writing.

For my Lost Children folks: I'm working on it. Suffering some minor writer's block in all honestly (or maybe burn out from 4 nightmare assessments in a row >> ), so I'm doing what I can without forcing it.

Righty'O, I'm off. Good night/day.

[sorapikakaminari]

Recently my friend died, and for me it left me with complex feelings. I'm having to grieve for her twice. First, it was realizing she wasn't the friend I thought she was, but she gave signs that she secretly didn't like hanging out with me, so I put a healthy distance between me and her. I didn't burn the bridge, but it was a hard decision to make. We had been friends since middle school and it was painful. I don't wanna go into details about why I thought she didn't like me much, and it wasn't do with her lack of energy...it had been going on long before she got sick and it took me a long time to see it. But recently she died , losing her battle with the complications that came with a chronic illness, and now I must grieve her again. I have so many mixed emotions and feelings and they go beyond just my relationship with her. I'm having to interact with the other people in that neck of the woods that also hate me , and it's awkward. There are people that suddenly care about my feelings when they previously didn't. It's been this all around emotionally painful experience of having to not only grieve for my friends, but having to have my nose rubbed in with my failures as a social being. Part of it is that I chose a career as an artist/ artisan and so my friends started to resent me because now they think I just " play all day" while they are stuck working and being miserable at jobs they hate. I've had to hide part of my life from my friends as to block out the negativity. Not only that, but admittedly, I'm not the nicest person in the world , either. I've had to face that, too. Even my old Kindred all hated me becuase they thought all I did was play all day while everyone else struggled and suffered. It's all been very isolating and lonely. I can't advocate for myself becuase I know deep down they are right. Maybe I do just play all day while everyone else I know struggles. Maybe I am just an overgrown child who doesn't understand what it means to suffer to struggle or even the meaning or hard work. So instead of having to just cry like everyone else, I sit here not only grieving for my friend, but greiving for all the connections I could have had if I had at least kept part of my life hidden from them. But I also think that maybe I need to be a kinder person, too. Maybe I haven't been kind at all, and I don't even know where to begin with that. After we do this grief thing, I know they will all go back to thinking I'm a spoiled rich bitch who gets to play all day...even though I'm not actually rich. They just assume I am. And when I've tried to explain it, they turned a deaf ear and just continued to feel that way. Someone shouldn't have to die in order for people to suddenly be kind to me. It's gross, and I hate it. My friend should still be alive, fighting for herself and her right to be creative, and we should work out our differences or at least be honest and say we don't like eachother and I can move on at least knowing the truth, not just having to play interpretive dance with passive aggressive statements. Gods, I hate this so much.

[deviantartdramahub]

I recently lost an argument with someone and had an epiphany slam into me I wanted to ask about as I've been mentally fidgeting with it.

So, speak to people anywhere for a while and you truly get a scope of which ones are NEET's and which ones aren't NEET's but whose line of work is entirely of their creative projects. I haven't been in the community for a super long time, but the scope has been largely unclouded for me. That much isn't an issue for me, who benefits from you should be voluntary, and I think it's noble that humans can take example from wolves who bring food to non-able members of the pack.

But... this "pedos" thing that seems to be popular recently. People are, almost always falsely, accused of being one. Productive humans have their paths ruined. And this always comes up... you always have one side saying "burn the witch/terrorist/deviant/etc." and the other side saying "but they're an asset, not a sum of their honor but a sum of their potential and deeds", adding... suppose we burn the witch but the witch's sister needs a new heart, or suppose the witch saved lives or built homes or something.

And then you think back to the first thing... who are the ones accusing hardworking people of being worthy of condemnation? Oh yeah, mostly NEET's and workathomes, who, in their lack of time working, feel special by going around spreading the witch hunting. If you thirst that much for relevance, why not, I don't know, not NEET around, or NEET's sadly will be next on the mobbing block. I say sadly because there are innocent NEET's who genuinely suffer.

This brings me to a point I noticed about everything going on in the posts below this one chronologically (look at them if the dates are screwy). Adding to everything already said, there's something I don't understand about the feud Noname234252 perceives at https://www.deviantart.com/comments/18/2721982/5113524268 to be between himself and the people he mentions therein.

He claims at several points that he belongs to a Discord server where the members have tried to take these people down down. Yet he's the only one who ever signed up for a DA account... with an anon persona... to try to address the issue. What, nobody else came? Even after his thread got locked by mods?

On Reddit, it's a similar story. All the accounts that have gone after "Tri" claim to be separate individuals, and their battle cry was "we are anonymous, we do not forgive", but no two are ever seen replying to the same post, almost as if they were trying to be cautious of not breaking the alting rule, only to be banned for other reasons anyways. Then he treats "Tri" as losing simply for having a single comment that was removed by admins and for reacting to him like a human. Worst case of whataboutism I've seen in a while.

This aggressor who claims to be more than one person has not only lost the conflict but is a loser in general, especially when, upon his final attempt at Reddit slander got no visible/appreciable reaction whatsoever (perhaps out of trying not to "feed"), he enticed the replier at https://www.reddit.com/r/DeviantArt/comments/1aozh6c/comment/kqlh2r2/ to make the reply after he already engaged at https://buzzly.art/comments/thread/d2a20fb4-b3b7-4649-a52d-2e9f4d97f62d causing the latter half of the discussion and, when Twonaps from Buzzly attempted to do her Buzzly TOS duties, inspired the mods to make the post at https://buzzly.art/~Mango/blog/regarding-recent-reports after realizing from someone bringing it up on Discord that, get this, nothing works, saving his skin.

What a weasel, no? And/or is something going on?

Intimidation is the only consistency.

[phantombmoll]

Rambling regarding writing

Summary; I reflect on going beyond the mysterious veil of being an author and hating what I found. I reflect on how finding out I was autistic made me dislike it even more and how now, I appear to have come full circle and am returning to writing for the love of it, behind a pseudonym and enjoying the anonymity of fanfiction.

For as long as I can remember I've loved writing and storytelling and the various formats it's come in. I've loved writing fan fiction, original fiction and scripts.

I always wanted to be an author, stories and ideas just seem to tumble out of me and I was never more content than when writing. The idea of life with a Jessica Fletcher style typewriter, therefore, and the freedom to write endlessly was something I dreamed about.

The problem is, in the past few years I've gotten to peek behind the veil of mystery, that's always surrounded being an author, a real out there in the world published kind of author. I've been able to go beyond the veil and as oft happens with me I've not liked the world that lay beyond the curtain.

Now I understand my Neurodivergence and that I'm autistic I can reflect on this time with a much deeper understanding and the realisation, today, that I have not failed at being a creative but that I am also not built for that world of creativity.

My first mistake when it came to my writing was my Masters. I was hopeful that stepping back into academia and gaining a Masters in Creative Writing would help me understand the path I needed to take in order to become a writer. In a way it did, it cemented to me the idea that traditional publishing wasn't for me. It also cemented to me the confidence I had in my writing. This was an expensive lesson though.

Self-Publishing it was - or was it?

I joined several writing groups, patreons, chat rooms and circles in the self-publishing sphere. I learnt everything I could about self-publishing, about drafting, marketing, building fanbases, curating spaces, cover art, font types etc.

It all left me feeling slightly cold.

I published my first book. I knew that there wouldn't be a flurry or attention and I was not expecting, hoping or wanting some type of overnight sensation. I just popped it out there and moved onto the next project.

Even this left me feeling cold though.

Which to me was odd considering even fanfiction that has had poor reception or no reception at all has still left me feeling some sort of happy.

Along with the above, the pandemic, work, mental health issues I burned out. I felt dead inside.

I discovered I was autistic.

I was suffering with burnout but even whilst recovering from it writing still became a sticking point, being an author became a sticking point. I felt like the joy and the happiness. The circle of seemingly endless creativity seemed not only blocked but repulsive.

Then I realised why.

The space of indie/self publishing authordom, just like it's traditional counterpart is a space that I will never be able to belong. It's a space that will never hold shape for someone like me. It's a place that takes more energy to sit in than it does to avoid.

Success in those spaces comes down to one of two things. marketing or dumb luck. Marketing - is not just about how much money you can pump into the machines of amazon ads, it's not even just about the number of followers on your social media. It's so much more than that. Good marketing is also socialising and schmoosing and recognising the cues in order to make people like you and stick around. It's about making friends, making people feel like friends, and being able to make small talk and work a room.

I know this might seem like a jaded or cynical take but it's not and it's not my intention to shit on those who can play the game and work these spaces.

It's just these spaces are not built for people like me. Autistic people who epically struggle socially, who can't keep up with a facade, who can't play the complicated popularity and political games that are needed to succeed in these spaces.

These spaces/the whole system are not built for the introverted. For those of us who truly like to be alone.

And it is entirely fair, given the game that's being played.

Anyway....

This morning, with this on my mind, I decided that I'm taking back my writing, my creativity and my brain from this space. I'm taking back my whole being from this space because it doesn't belong and it never will.

Back in my early days of being online I'd have just deleted everything. Upped and left and started again. That's a lot harder to do nowadays though. Especially with today's social media.

Instead then I've done it in my mind. I've almost severed the me from the past few years. I've found the multi-colour robe of the me before and I've altering it to fit the new version of me. I've relearned who I am. I've decided to reclaim my love of writing and story from a space that's left it barren and sparse.

I'm coming home to fanfiction, to writing for the pure and unfiltered love of it, the exploration, the fun, the warm fuzzy feelings it gives. I'm stripping every influence and whispered word from spaces meant to turn creativity into commodity and I am coming back to giving large and free for love.

This is all very rambly and mostly for me.

Which is what I think this tumblr will be from now on. More active. My secret corner to just be free. Like I used to.