#i've been on this phase for years but it's getting stronger so forgive me

[14dyh]

list of my saved youtube videos that Hange would watch:

A/N: someone watch this nerdy stuff with me pls, i'll go insane. need a hange for myself :') currently watching these videos to feed my nerdy hange delusions :D [i marked my faves with an (*) hehe]

short videos (10-30 minutes)

The Nightmares of Eduardo Valdés-Hevia

The Creatures of Codex Inversus

Nietzsche's Most Dangerous Idea | The Übermensch

Don't fear intelligent machines. Work with them | Garry Kasparov

* Decomposing Bodies to Solve Cold Case Murders

Glow-in-the-dark sharks and other stunning sea creatures | David Gruber

* You Will Never Do Anything Remarkable

* The Cognitive Tradeoff Hypothesis

* Inspiring the next generation of female engineers | Debbie Sterling | TEDxPSU

The Disturbing Paintings of Hieronymus Bosch

Roko's Basilisk: The Most Terrifying Thought Experiment

The 5 Most Dangerous Chemicals on Earth

Depth Charge Explosion Soaks Dr. Tatiana In Water

Monster Surgeon: The Lost Work of Dr. Spencer Black

The Biology of Giants Explained | The Science of Giants

I Made an Ecosystem With a Mini Pond Inside, Here’s How!

CSI Special Insects Unit: Forensic Entomology

not-so-short but under 1 hr (31-59 minutes)

* The unpredictable tale of The Dead Man's Story by J. Hain Friswell

Planets: The Search for a New World | Space Science | Episode 4 | Free Documentary

* Let's Visit the World of the Future [tw: might be a bit disturbing, it's an interesting scifi horror though]

The Mystery of Matter: “INTO THE ATOM” (Documentary)

* Australia's Deadliest Coast (Full Episode) | When Sharks Attack: There Will Be Blood

* How Leonardo da Vinci Changed the World

long videos (over 1 hr)

Demystifying the Higgs Boson with Leonard Susskind

* The complete FUN TO IMAGINE with Richard Feynman

The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962) Colorized | Sci-Fi Horror | Cult Classic | Full Movie

* AlphaGo - The Movie | Full award-winning documentary

Particle Fever - Documentary

* Exploring The Underwater World | 4K UHD | Blue Planet II | BBC Earth

What was the Earth like in the Age of Giant Prehistoric Creatures? | Documentary Earth History

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[strawberry-milktea]

I've been calling myself a Christian for perhaps 8 years now, but back then I think it was safe to say I was always lukewarm. During this time I also committed grievous sins, saw no harm in others to doing the same, and turned away from what God wanted knowing it was wrong. Since January, though various circumstances, I've felt convicted by the Holy Spirit and repented and moved away from the things I'd been doing before and now recognise it all as wrong in the eyes of God. Am I still saved?

I understand what you’re saying here. I experienced something very similar. When I was first born again, there were certain things I still did that I clearly recognize now as being sinful, but back then, it didn’t really phase me. I had a more heightened awareness of sin compared to before I was born again, but there were other sins that I didn’t recognize and still fell into without full recognition of how it was wrong (for me, lustful thoughts was one example). Looking back on it, I can’t understand how I allowed that and didn’t realize lustful thoughts is just as big of a sin as say engaging in premarital sex, to name another example of a sex-related sin. Like you, I knew on some level it was wrong, but my guess is at that point, I didn’t receive conviction yet and didn’t fully understand how spiritually dangerous this mentality was. Compared to now, I was very spiritually young then. And I likely didn’t have a full understanding back then that sin is sin in His eyes, and that there aren’t levels of “less severe” and “worse” sins. Going by the world’s standards, it’s very easy for people to fall into the trap that certain sins are more acceptable or harmless than others. But according to His standards, sin is sin, and all of it is equally as bad.The truth is, while Christ’s transformation of our hearts can cause sudden changes, there are other changes that take more time. We are never done changing and growing spiritually. There are always more layers He can peel away to make us more and more into His image. The state you, me, or anyone else is in right now can be very different than how we will be in a year, two years, or any number of years from now. There are likely fleshly aspects of us right now that we are each dealing with that He still needs to help strip away from us, and we may not even have full awareness of it. And once you do get the awareness of it, you wonder how you didn’t notice it before. But thank goodness that through the conviction of the Holy Spirit, He is able to make these changes in our hearts.The great news is you have received that conviction and have repented and made the necessary changes! You’re aware now of how your past behaviors were wrong and need to be avoided. You’ve repented and asked for forgiveness in Jesus’ name. And because of this, there is no longer any need to dwell on these past mistakes. When you came to Him for forgiveness and seeking to be made right, He was filled with joy - as the parables Christ gave us in Luke 15 confirm for us.In terms of salvation, the Word tells us how we know if we are saved:

“If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, ‘Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.’” - Romans 10:9-11

You were blind to your sin in the past, but now you have received conviction so that your eyes were opened. You made the appropriate changes, repented, and sought forgiveness for your sins. And as the Luke 15 parables tell us, it brings Him immense happiness when someone lost in sin comes back to Him seeking to be made right. He’s not holding your past sin over your head. Because you followed the conviction of the Holy Spirit and have repented, you don’t have to hold onto this anymore. Don’t allow the enemy to use your past mistakes against you by filling you with fears that God will not forgive you or that you’re not a “real Christian”. Your eye are open to your past mistakes, so move forward now that you are spiritually stronger and more aware. Continue to allow the Holy Spirit to work on your heart so that Christ can continually transform you.I hope this helped you, please let me know if you would like to discuss this further!