#i've been on a study schedule for like 2 days and so far. the weird emotional spikes are harder to deal with than the actual studying

[hoofpeet]

I may have some sort of emotional regulation problem

[directactionforhope]

Actually, making a bunch of assumptions about someone based on how/when they sleep is ableist, and also often classist, and I'm respectfully serious about this, as someone officially diagnosed with a severe sleep disorder (not that I'm anti self-dx in any way but yes, I do have an official diagnosis and am in the range classified as "severe")

Because of my sleep disorder (and more recently one of my jobs), I work nights. Night shift jobs are almost - if not actually - exclusively working class jobs (though I'm not going to go into class issues because I feel far less qualified to speak on them).

But sleep habits are so, so conflated with morality, work ethic, and even competence and intelligence in mainstream US culture.

(I blame in large part the Puritans. Having a culture founded by the remnants of a strict and fundamentalist religious sect will do that to you.)

Things that people (including my clients and my coworkers), have done or assumed about me because of my sleep disorder:

Went to HR and told them I was skiving off at least two hours of work every single day (I wasn't, I was staying two to three hours late every single day to make up the hours, because I had an accommodation from my boss. I was almost always the one to lock up the office. I ended up in a meeting with HR who didn't even bother to check with my boss first and ask anything related to the literally abundant proof I was working late)

I later learned multiple people were talking about it behind my back, so for all I know like half my coworkers believed/suspected that about me

That I'm lazy

That I'm not in control of my life

That I'm disorganized

Kept forgetting/Refused to believe me that I just wasn't trying hard enough to keep a normal sleep schedule, until I found studies showing that trying to keep a ""normal"" sleep schedule with my level of severity had a 100% long-term failure rate

Required me to tell almost all of my repeat/regular clients details of my medical history to avoid them making a ton of assumptions when I send work messages/emails/project submissions at 4 in the morning (unfortunately several of the platforms I use professionally don't have any kind of message scheduling add-on or feature)

Lost out on jobs because I was unable to reply soon enough (this morning I may have literally missed out on an interview slot because I didn't reply to a message by the end of the workday)

Was unable to go to the bank/post office/grocery store/dmv/other time-sensitive errand for days at a time due to my sleep (and work) schedule during open hours

Real difficulty texting with new people because 2/3rds of my regular waking hours are considered a Loaded or Extremely Weird time to text someone, and sometimes spoons don't appear at convenient times of day

Constantly late to school when I was younger, sometimes in trouble for it

That I don't care about my family/family events when I struggle to do a whole week of vacation on 2-4 hours of sleep

A lot of this has gotten better since there's been more research on my sleep disorder (delayed sleep phase disorder) and I've been able to educate my family and explain things to my friends, and as disability/accessibility concerns/awareness have grown a lot over the last two decades

And I'm extremely rare and extremely lucky because I've had a sleep disorder diagnosis almost my whole life (since I was 11, I'm now 30ish). Most people with sleep disorders, especially severe sleep disorders, spend years and years exhausted and believing something is simply wrong with them, that they're some kind of a failure, because they just can't ""try"" hard enough to ""fix it""

Anyway if you struggle with sleep, especially if it's a sleep disorder, I believe you and I believe that it's real.

And if you find yourself relating to this post, or are tired all the time because you can never get enough sleep - or can only get enough if you sleep half/most of the day - I really recommend looking into sleep disorders, especially delayed sleep phase

Oh also working during a time that your circadian rhythm says you're supposed to sleep is so hard that for a person with a ""normal"" sleep schedule, working night shifts can literally give you a diagnosable sleep disorder. It's literally called "shift work disorder"

[folliesandfolderols]

Writing prompts days 51-55

From this prompt list. If you’ve read this far, I’m not sure you need any explanation, but the short version is I hadn’t written any fiction since 2019, I set a goal to write at least 150 words/day in 2024, and this list was my way to restart. Also I abruptly decided on day 2 I would write an entire Tim/Damian story connecting all the prompts, because I am Good at Judging My Limits. /sarcasm Anyway, I finished the rough draft a while ago and am now unlocking the old entries as I edit.

Read from the beginning here, or on ao3 here

Days 49-50 here

***

16. You drive me so insane, you don’t even know.”

39. "Tell me how you like/want/need it.”

46. “Wanna feel you against me.” (slightly modified for characterization purposes)

48. “Clothes on or clothes off?”

93. “Gonna make sure you don’t forget about tonight.”

110. "Do whatever you want with me."

118. “S-Stop leaving marks on my neck. I have a presentation first thing in the morning.” “Then I get to leave marks anywhere below the neck?”

***

Tim was busy over the next couple of days, because the surveillance he’d planted at Waters’s house proved to be a gold mine of information. He and Galloway were high up on the food chain with their respective creditors’ organizations. Waters had ties to the Irish mob, and Galloway was in deep with the Russians. Both had a history of leaving bills unpaid, so it was no surprise that some of the debts they’d incurred would leave them owing more than money. What was more surprising, in a way that didn’t leave Tim with much shock at all, was the fact that they didn’t seem to mind being at the beck and call of criminals as long as they got the benefits of the trafficking as well. And they did reap plenty of benefits: building permits issued with almost no wait, real estate deals that made no sense on paper, weapons collections that would have made a warlord proud, and of course a never-ending supply of humans to exploit and use as capital.

Tim watched the video footage of Waters fucking a model-beautiful woman on his desk in his study, and all he could see was the deadness in Luz’s eyes.

Damian texted him while he was on patrol three days after the Closet Incident (it had earned a title and upper-case letters, after being looped in Tim’s brain on repeat like a favorite movie). Tim, in the middle of watching over an underpass that had seen a few houseless people murdered during the past month, pulled out the phone and nearly dropped it onto the road below when he read the sender’s name.

Do you have anything new to report?

Tim snorted, imagining what Damian would do if he replied with his first impulse, which was “yes, your dick is now living rent-free in my thoughts at all times.” Instead: have u been watching the surveillance footage?? good stuff, disgusting stuff lots of info

I have not. Is there a reason why you refuse to use upper-case letters? I've wondered.

Tim grinned. Maybe it was a League-trained thing. 

convenience 

I suppose, but at some point you've done more to keep things lowercase than you would have if you'd just let autocorrect do what it likes.

jason's told me the same thing more than once

Be that as it may your point stands. We should consider next steps if you feel we have actionable intel.

do u and jason want to come over to my place again? it might be the best use of our time right now to coordinate our plans in person rather than via video call

Perhaps. My WE schedule is demanding at the moment. I'll see if we can align times.

ok lmk 

Tim put away his phone and concentrated on proving to himself through measured breathing that he was completely unaffected by the prospect of having Damian in his space again. It didn't matter. He'd had random hookups before with weird choices. The fact that he couldn't get Damian's voice, low and intimate, saying let me feel it, out of his head meant nothing. Neither did the forever pain in his chest and stomach. That was just how he lived now.

Well, at least Jason would be there. That would keep him from doing anything stupid. Probably.

Given the fact that they'd fully gotten each other off with Jason on the other end of a precariously deactivated comm, maybe not. Fuck. He was already starting to get hard just thinking about it.

An Audi parked a few hundred feet away from the encampment beneath the bridge and five men got out, voices loud and abrasive in a way that screamed "drunk frat boys" even if he couldn't have seen the Greek symbols on the bumper sticker. They ran toward an old man huddled in a cardboard box against the slanted concrete, and Tim leaped down to join them, grateful for the distraction.

*** 

Damian texted Tim and Jason together the next day while Tim was at work: I will be available this afternoon after 5:30. Will your schedules permit a meeting at 6?

Yeah, I can make that, Jason replied.

Tim swallowed and typed, i'll meet u both at my place then

Capitalization, Damian replied, at the same time Jason's message came through: Punctuation, dammit!

i am free as the wind and so is my text style u plebes just dont understand my aesthetique

Both of them left the conversation simultaneously, and Tim smiled in triumph. He wasn't sure what was so fun about making those two mad, but whatever it was definitely sparked joy.

Tim had contracted for R&D at WE for a couple of years now, ever since he'd finally gotten his degree, but it was mainly a front for funneling the research and products with the greatest potential for Bat-exploitation to the right places. He typically spent at least half his time on the clock doing casework, and the other half doing the same work that took most of the other people in his department twice as long. He almost never saw Damian, who tended to stay firmly in the finance department. Out of idle curiosity, he checked Damian's calendar on WEdrive. His entire day was packed with meetings from the moment he got in until he left, for the rest of the week. He didn't even have a lunch break today. Bruce was such a fucking slacker. Of course, Damian had probably demanded extra responsibilities as the "blood heir" or whatever. 

Tim opened his meal delivery app and put in an order for dinner. He didn't feel like cooking, i.e. pouring cereal, tonight.

Once he got home, he changed out of his suit into sweats and sat on the couch to wait, flipping through the video feeds in Waters' house. The devices he'd planted in the escorts' bags hadn't been much help as neither woman had done anything but take their purses back to where they lived. Luz’s conversations at home were boring mundanities, and Katerina’s device had been mysteriously deactivated, but at least he had their addresses now. And possibly those of clients if they attended anything else that required a fancy clutch.

Damian showed up first, this time, still in his work clothes. Tim immediately suffered an overpowering urge to unbutton his custom Italian suit and lick his neck, which was horrifying enough to kick his best acting instincts into gear. He decided to aim for nothing of note has happened between us, ever, and gave Damian a friendly smile as he closed the door. "Hey. How's it going?"

Damian rolled his eyes and kicked off his shoes. "Spare me the useless civilities, Drake. 'It' was a grinding bore today, filled with incompetent idiots who insisted on projecting their own lack of efficacy onto me, and then had the gall to be shocked when I proved to be far out of their league in both intellect and influence."

"So, everyday WE business meetings, then. Somebody's hangry."

Damian scowled, but before he could reply the door speaker buzzed. Tim glanced at the camera and saw the delivery guy holding up the restaurant bag. He pressed the speaker button. "Leave it at the door, thanks."

He ran downstairs while Damian was still grumbling about him daring to order food for himself, and by the time he returned Jason had come in by some entrance that Tim was going to have to eliminate in the near future.

He started putting containers on the table. "I got enough food for all of us if you guys are hungry. Plates are in the cabinet on the right of the fridge and forks are in the island drawer."

"Fuck yeah I'm hungry, I just got up." Jason ambled to the kitchen and got the plates and utensils while Damian looked down his nose at the containers.

"I suppose all the dishes contain meat." He couldn't entirely hide his interest as Tim popped lids open, leaning over to inspect contents.

"I mean, a couple do, but a lot are vegetarian." Tim pointed as he listed them. "Potato pakoras, haleem, fruit chaat, samosas, aaloo gobi, aaloo qeema, paneer tikka masala, vegetable biryani, and of course the raita."

Damian flushed the faintest bit. Jason set the plates down on the table. "Where'd you get this? I didn't know there was a Pakistani restaurant in town."

"Al Noor," Damian and Tim said simultaneously. Damian flushed a darker red and continued, avoiding Tim's eyes, "It is actually one of my favorites. It reminds me of home, a little."

Jason picked up one of the chapli kebabs and bit into it without waiting to put anything else on his plate. "Oh hell yes," he moaned around the mouthful. "Timmers, you got enough to feed the whole fam and the pets too, what's up with that?"

"I got enough to feed two normal appetites plus you," Tim retorted, putting a little bannu pulao on his plate. He wasn’t really hungry yet—on night job days he usually didn’t eat for the first time until noon, and his last meal was after his patrol.

"Fuck you, I've got muscle mass you can only dream of." Jason got some of everything and sat down at the table. “By the way, who gave you that bite on your neck? Conner doesn't usually leave marks so I'm guessing someone new. C’mon, your secret's safe with me and Damian.”

Tim reached for the bruise before he could stop himself. “None of your business.”

"Todd, your table manners are as abominable as your self-restraint," Damian interpolated, sneering at Jason's perfectly respectable use of knife and fork. After a long pause in which he visibly almost said about five different things and changed his mind each time, he added, "Thank you, Drake, for getting the food," still not looking directly at Tim.

Tim spun around to hide his burning face. His first thought was a nonsensical oh shit, Damian knows, to which he could only ask his brain, knows what, dumbass? He hustled to open the fridge and grab three bottles of water, as if he always turned that fast so he could run retrieve fluids. "No problem," he called from behind the door.

When he set the bottles on the table, Jason was looking from him to Damian and back again. Tim didn't like the assessing expression on his face, and he especially didn't like that Jason was allowing him to see it. This was the worst part of being surrounded by people who'd been trained by Bruce "The World Only Makes Sense If You Force It To" Wayne. You couldn't have a private emotion, ever, without someone feeling the overpowering need to track it down to its source.

Damian spoke before Tim could spill a container on Jason's lap and distract him. "Have you heard from Arsenal lately?"

That diversion successfully embarked Jason on a tangent for about fifteen minutes. Tim knew better than to glance at Damian to share a relieved look while Jason ranted about Roy's selfless tendencies and how they endangered his life. Still, a glow flared to life in his chest when he watched, out of the corner of his eye, Damian sitting next to him and eating food Tim had bought for him. Some of the constant pain receded in its warmth.

Once they were done eating, they each brought out their laptops and compared notes on the footage. Damian hadn't had a chance to view most of it, so Jason and Tim gave him the highlights. He had managed to dig further into the Galloway's and Waters's financials, so he gave them a list of the probable beneficiaries of the inconsistencies between income and expenditure.

Jason sighed as he scrolled through the names and companies. "Looks like I'm heading to Tulsa and Corpus Christi. Love it when I get to have fun with not one, but two mafias."

"I can go instead," Tim offered, looking through the same document as he twisted the top off his bottle.

"Nah, it's okay. I can't be in Gotham too many weeks in a row or I'll kill Bruce, and you know how he feels about murder. Fucker'll haunt my ass just so he can lecture me every time I pull a gun on some piece of shit dealer."

Tim, mid-drink, had a sudden vision of ectoplasmic Bruce floating from Jason's butt like an asshole-obsessed Casper and nearly choked when he started laughing involuntarily.

Jason stared, aghast, as he sprayed water all over their computers. "Holy shit, Tim, it wasn't that funny!"

Damian, ever helpful, smacked Tim's back a few times hard enough to leave bruises, expression bored. "Clearly he pictured Father literally selecting your buttocks as his postmortem residence, Todd. His brain's operations are incomprehensibly juvenile, but if you choose the most ridiculous option you can often divine what he was thinking."

"Sorry," Tim gasped, jumping up to get a seldom-used kitchen towel off its hanger. Some days his mind really had it out for him. He couldn't help it that when he was stressed it decided to interpret every idiom as a visual. "Sorry!"

Jason narrowed his eyes as he watched Tim carefully dab at their keyboards. WE laptops were all water resistant, but there was no sense in being foolhardy. "You've been off all evening. Something going on I need to know about?"

Tim ran through various possible responses in the time it took him to hand some paper towels to Damian to dry the floor. He decided to play it casual. "No, nothing. I just have my attention split in too many directions right now between this, work, and patrol. But this case is my real priority at the moment so don't worry. I wanna put all these guys away for life."

Jason nodded, but Tim had a feeling he wasn't satisfied with the explanation.

They made a few more plans for the immediate future of the investigation, and then Jason packed up to leave. Tim walked him to the door.

"How'd you get in, by the way?"

Jason smirked. "Bet you'd love to know."

Tim gave him an unimpressed look. "I'd love to know why you're such a pain in my ass, too, but I guess I'm not getting any of the answers I want tonight."

Jason leaned in close enough that Damian wouldn't be able to read his lips. Tim stiffened, wary. Jason said, sotto voce, "Timmers, I'm starting to think that's not the kind of pain in your ass you want. Don't think I missed the fact that the baby bat is hanging back until I've left you two alone again. Used to be, he couldn't wait to get away from you."

Tim stared, eyes wide with dismay, and couldn't say a thing.

Jason straightened, wicked grin firmly in place, and caroled, "Byeeeeee!" before slamming the door in Tim's face.

"What did he say?" Damian wanted to know, because of course it would've been too much to ask of the universe for him not to have noticed.

Tim was too discombobulated to say anything other than the truth. "He knows something's going on with us. I don't think he knows what, yet."

"Well, that makes two," Damian said.

Tim leaned his back against the door and looked at him, sitting cross-legged on the couch as if he couldn't be more at ease. "I don't know, either, so it's three."

Damian smiled, perfunctory and cutting. "Did you think I meant myself? I don't waste time speculating about inconsequentialities."

Tim surveyed him for another second in silence, then snorted with genuine amusement. "Oh, you are so completely full of shit right now. You think I'm going to believe that after what happened in Waters's closet?"

Damian shrugged and checked his phone with conspicuous boredom. "I barely remember 'what happened', personally. Perhaps I had too much to drink at the after party. If you've got a clearer recollection it must be because it mattered to you in a way it didn't to me."

A sudden blaze of fury burned away Tim's lightheartedness. He stalked to the couch, ripped the phone out of Damian's hand, and threw it to the loveseat opposite.

Damian didn't balk, but he did snap, "What the hell do you think you're—" His words cut off with a sharp inhale as Tim straddled him and yanked his head back by his hair.

"It's either kiss you or punch you at the moment, and frankly this hurts my knuckles a lot less," Tim hissed. “Maybe if you try really hard you can make it matter enough for both of us to remember this time.” He kissed him with a vicious edge of teeth.

Damian went stiff and unresponsive beneath him. For one awful moment, Tim thought he had read the situation entirely wrong, and horror slid down his spine like an ice floe. He jerked away, ready to babble apologies and then die in a corner of shame somewhere.

Before he could go anywhere, Damian's hands shot out and grabbed his upper arms. "Don't you dare." He pulled Tim back into his lap.

Rage faded in the relief of not having hurt him. Tim sat again, unresisting, hands braced against his chest. "Do you want—"

"Do whatever you want with me." Damian wrapped his arms around Tim and drew him close against his own shoulder, in the process conveniently hiding his expression from Tim's view.

Tim decided to let him get away with it and pressed his face to Damian's jaw. His fingers found their tentative way to play with the ends of his hair. He was still shaken, enough so that he felt the need to be explicit. "Tell me how you want it. Please. Clothes on or clothes off?"

Damian tugged on his t-shirt. "I want to feel you against me."

Tim let him pull the shirt over his head. He started working on the knot in Damian's tie while Damian untied the drawstrings of his pants. "You're wearing too many things." He couldn't seem to catch his breath.

Damian pulled Tim’s sweats down to his thighs. "Unfortunately, I can't dress for work with the sole priority of being instantly accessible to your touch."

Tim’s brain turned to white noise for a second, blindsided by the wave of sheer possessive yes that crashed through him at the notion. He freed the tie from Damian's collar with unsteady hands and stood up to kick off his pants entirely, along with his underwear. Damian sprawled below him, looking like a perfume ad with his disheveled hair, rumpled unbuttoned shirt, and clear bulge in his tailored pants. Not to mention the sulky mouth.

"Christ. You drive me so insane, you don’t even know." He gripped the top of Damian's shirt and used it to throw Damian down on his back on the couch, a maneuver that wouldn't have worked if Damian hadn't cooperated. Straddling his hips again, he hurriedly ripped the buttons out of their holes, exposing Damian's chest to his perusal. “Gonna make sure you don’t forget about tonight.”

Damian grabbed his hips and ground Tim's ass down, against his own erection. "What a promise. How do you intend to deliver?"

Tim ducked to suck on his neck with enough force to bruise. "I've got a few ideas and zero champagne, so we're already halfway there." Something about having Damian's skin between his teeth was unbearably satisfying.

Damian moved restlessly beneath him, hands clutching and releasing over and over again. “S-Stop leaving marks on my neck. I have a presentation first thing in the morning.”

Tim smiled into his collarbone. “Then I get to leave marks anywhere below the neck?”

Damian pulled his own head back so their gazes could meet. "Yes."

day 56 here

[empiresblrmybeloved]

One day left.

So uh, bit of a long read but if your willing, click read more.

Dear Future Z,

How's life been treating you so far? Did our family ever accept us? I hope so, how's the vtubing going, is it going at all? Do you have an OK sleep schedule? How's the drinking coming along, have you sobered up a bit? I hope your doing well by now, are you gonna go to college? What are you planning to study now? How about your freinds? Are.you still in touch with Starshell, Icarus, and Fallen Stars? What about Ray? Or Draven and Sam? How was Halloween? How do you identify now? Did Carlos ever get you that gc2b binder he said he'd get? Did you graduate? Sorry! Alot of questions, but im curious, and excited, oh! I should tell you about myself!

Our family doesn't accept us, but the number 333 has been popping up alot, like it has since we realized we were trans! The number means to take a bold leap forward. I think moving out is gonna be our bold leap! Vtubing, it's starting, streaming to freinds for now, but im excited for the future! I.. it's almost 11pm when I'm writing this, I have no sleep schedule! The drinking is uh. Not the best, I learned from our dad, but I don't drink as much as I did when I was 16! Can't even finish a whole Beast Unleashed can anymore! Getting high asf though. MAN it is weird to DM while high, it's fun though! I think I'm gonna go to college, I wanna study therapy and music production! Right now, I am in touch with all of them! I don't talk with them much now cause of school, but I'm gonna try and chat them up more! Rays gonna be my DM, Draven is in my poly, actually considering from breaking off from him,, I don't know, our feelings have been a mess, sam,, eeeh, we exchange trans tips and witchy tips every so often! I do numerology readings. I've called people out with UNO cards. Halloween!!! Our mom is letting us celebrate, albeit, she's making us go as a hufflepuff, but the fact is, she's letting us celebrate. This is gonna be our first Halloween!!!! Still a trans pansexual! I'm gonna bug Carlos abt the binder tommorow, promise! And I don't know if I will, I got alot of catching up to do..

Listen, if things have gone to shit, and we did something stupid.. I just hope things are better now, but, in gonna hold out hope- my goal is to get 2 months clean, dod we ever reach that goal? I hope so..

I hope your happier now.

Sincerely, Past Z, September 12, 11:01pm.

[And, the response..]

Dear, Everyone...Life isn't doing the best. But I'm trying, that counts for something I'm sure. Our family didn't accept us. It's dangerous here, but we're getting out, we have too. Our sleep schedule, uh. Non existent, sorry about that. I don't drink anymore, I use weed! :> college isnt actually needed! Im becoming a tax preparer and that doesnt need college! Still in touch with icarus and starshell, havent talked to sam in a while, Rays been close, pur Taurtis fictive is going on a date with their sam on the 5th! Draven can rot in fucking hell, bastard. We didn't do Halloween, we do have a binder though! Gc2b and it's RAINBOW! And– we fucking did it. We graduated. I didn't think we would. None of us did..Our family hasnt changed, but weve been seeing 333, 222, and 555 arpund alot. Positive changes. I hope I'm making the right decision moving out, its scary... we had to stop tubing cause our pc fucking DIED its almost tomorrow when writing this and i am wide awake, i still dont have a sleep schedule. I don't drink, I get high, it's good, I've learned to hide it– I haven't DMd since icarus and Jon came over last year, but yeah, existing while being high is nice. Helps, alot. Veil is with Ray, and Creed is poly with Ray and icarus! We ditched Draven. He was a red flag. Havent dont numerology in a while.. she LIED. She didn't let us celebrate she keeps lying it's horrible. Still a trans pansexual though!...I haven't reached two months, but I did reach a month clean. We were almost two months! Had a week left but, our brother starting saying stupid shit....We don't like this house. They claim their Cristian and forget about love thy neighbor, they'd choose the bear but they don't know that the body's brother is the man we all want to avoid. We dont want to be here any longer. Dad's getting mad because we've been counting down the days till we're 18, moms encouraging us to eat less. Our brother. I don't want to talk about him. It got worse. He did it.... I'll get better once I'm out, I'm sure of it.Sincerely, Future Xander.

[undeniablyares]

This was a fun little post that was going on around Twitter that I wanted to share here for those that follow me here. ✨

1. Accidentally Demonic. It is hands down my favorite fic of mine to read and write, and I only have 3 chapters out currently. Just based on the overall tone, what I've done so far, and what's to come based on my chapter maps/planning, I think it will be one of my best works ever. Y'all are really in for it.

2. Accidentally an Oiran is my most popular fic. The sheer amount of support, engagement, and interest will forever be mind-boggling to me. It was my first long fic, my first Akaren story I started, it brought me out of my shell and introduced me to all you amazing people within the KNY fandom. It will always hold a special place in my heart, and I'm forever grateful for all of you that enjoy it. 🔥❄️

3. Breathe. It's weird, sad af, and wildly out of character, but I think we need more Senjuro-centered fics. I adore character studies, and a badass, dark version of Senjuro is just so fucking cool. I also think it's the most mature thing I've written as I try to characterize a tough, clever, slayer Senjuro who is fueled by grief and spite. I'm dying to get back to it so I can keep the plot going.

4. I am such a sap for the childhood friends to lovers trope in romance/erotica. I'm also into that weird, one-sided pining where the other is an idiot and doesn't realize their friend has always been in love with them until much later, then falls for the friend and it becomes mutual pining until one nuts up and finally confesses. Confusing slow burns have me in a chokehold. 😅🥲

5. Soulmates alternate universes are probably my least favorite trope to read or write. This likely stems from my own spiritual beliefs and ideas about the universe, more than anything else. Not bashing the idea at all, as it's adorably romantic, it's just not my favorite. Reincarnation alternate universe ideas are different, though. I'll fuck with a reincarnation au anytime. 😅

6. I have a longer fic idea that I want to do with either a slayer Akaza or Hakuji and Pillar Kyo, where Kyo gets turned into a demon at the beginning and Akaza/Hakuji has to fight to try and find a cure for him, or like a Tokyo Ghoul sort of scenario that rewrites Mugen Train to have Kyo survive from a makeshift transfusion of Akaza's blood and becoming a half-demon from it. (I really love demon Kyo ideas 🫣)

7. Accidentally an Oiran is my longest fanfic currently, but not my longest work ever. I write original fiction that's longer that is dark fantasy/horror and erotica with LGBTQ+ characters that I am currently editing and hoping to actually publish one day.

8. Snake Eyes, the Akaren Week mythology prompt, is currently my shortest fic.

9. My list of collaborations that I inwardly pine for consists of working with some of my favorite Akaren writers, but I'm far too nervous to ever initiate anything with anyone else. My faves are GremlinCat, Blueberrybagel, saigne, OllieWritesAll, GodlessOx, and BTS2016dia on AO3. I can dream, anyway. 😅🫣 That being said, all Akaren is good Akaren. I am always down to collab with anyone about anything Akaren at any time. This also goes for artists that are interested in me writing stories to go along with their art or comics. My DMs are literally always open to anyone. 😌

10. My most used tags are Kyojurou lives, porn with plot/feelings, and anal. I am a predictable man with fine tastes. 😂

11. My AO3 account is linked at the bottom. The update schedule is going to be, for the very near future: Ch. 3 of Bad Pillar, the Wet and Messy | Massages | Body Worship Akaren Kinktober prompt, Dubiously Married Part 3, and chapters 3 for Accidentally Human and Accidentally Reborn. The 2023 update schedule will likely consist of more with the Accidentally Routes, the longer modern au BDSM Akaren fic I'm planning, and the Demon Rehab fic. Stay tuned, friends. Trying to feed y'all well. 😌

https://archiveofourown.org/users/UndeniablyAres/works

[clara-licht]

You Belong With Me

Part of Best of Me Series

Summary: 5 times (Y/n) Stark felt jealous and 1 time it was Peter’s turn. (set before Just Out of Touch, can be read as a standalone)

Pairing: Peter Parker x Stark!Reader

Word Count: 4.1k

Warning: mention of blood and maggots

Note: after a whole year, it’s finally here! Here’s another story set in the world of Just Out of Touch! This story can be read as a standalone, but reading JOOT might give you a bit more context. But if you haven’t read it, spoiler for JOOT, Hecate is (y/n)’s vigilante persona. (Y/n)’s pronouns are she/they, where they is specifically used when they’re out as Hecate. Since this story focuses on (y/n) and not Hecate, I used she/her throughout the story. In future stories both she and they will be used when there are both (y/n) and Hecate. Without further ado, enjoy the story!

Title Inspo: Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

Best of Me Masterlist | Marvel Masterlist | Main Masterlist

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1: Compliment

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(Y/n) side-glanced at Peter who was pacing back and forth in her room. She let him mumble and curse at himself while she laid on her bed, bored.

"Oh I'm so stupid! How could I have done that?! Ugh, she must hate me now!"

She rolled her eyes. "You're not stupid, Pete. You're in STEM school by scholarship for a reason, you know."

Peter stopped his pacing to look at (y/n) with his big doe eyes and panicked expression. "That's got nothing to do with this!" He exclaimed.

Rolling her eyes again, she asked, "What did you do again?"

He groaned and banged his head on her bed, mumbling something.

"What?"

"I complimented her skirt."

If she had to roll her eyes again, her eyeballs would probably be stuck that way.

"What's so bad about that?" She asked.

Peter didn't even lift his head from the soft duvet. "I sounded like a pervert, (y/n)!" He groaned. "She totally knew I've been checking her out the entire year!"

(Y/n) shook her head exasperatedly. "You couldn't have known that. You just complimented one piece of clothing, Peter. She wouldn't know you've been staring at her clothes every day."

Peter only let out another groan and turned over, pulling the duvet to cover his face. "No, she definitely knows!"

"What did you say, exactly?"

"I said the color suits her and asked if it's new…"

"…So?"

He removed the duvet and stared incredulously at her. "What do you mean, so?"

(Y/n) shrugged. "I don't see what's so bad about that. I mean, it's flattering?"

"Oh, you don't get it!" Peter threw his head back. "I asked if it's new! Meaning that I already know her clothes and noticed that I've never seen that skirt before!"

"Now that you said it like that, you do sound like a pervert."

"UGH!"

Chuckling, (y/n) lifted the duvet and removed it from Peter, eyes glowing soft blue. "Calm down, Spidey. What did she say?"

"I don't know. I ran away afterwards."

Her chuckle turned into a full-on laugh as Peter turned away with a pout, hoping to hide his flaming face.

In between her laugh, she shuffled closer to the boy and ran her fingers gently between his hair. "Well, if it was me, I wouldn't think much about it. I would just be flattered that you think a skirt looks good on me."

Still pouting, Peter mumbled, "But it's not you."

Her laughter ceased, replaced with a slightly sorrowful smile.

"But it's not me." She agreed.

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2: Jokes

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"What's taking him so long?" Happy grumbled.

"It's only been 10 minutes."

"10 minutes too long!"

(Y/n) only hummed and looked out the window. “It’s high school, Happy. It’s where he socializes with his friends, of course it’s going to take time.”

“Not if I can help it.” He muttered.

Shaking her head fondly, her eyes swept through the entrance of Midtown High, trying to see if the young vigilante was anywhere near them. Today was a scheduled lab day and she volunteered to pick him up with Happy. Since she already finished any lessons she had for the day Tony had let her go.

As she kept watch, she couldn’t help but feel a little bittersweet. Sure, she enjoyed her studies online, but she knew that she was missing that typical high school experience. Going to classes, eating lunch in the cafeteria, walking home with friends… But she was also aware that it was all for her safety.

The woes of having a famous father.

(Y/n) was shaken off her thoughts when she finally noticed Ned among the students in front of the school. If Ned was there, then Peter was surely not far.

Sure enough, she could spot a familiar tuft of brown hair right behind Ned.

And apparently he wasn’t alone.

Peter was talking with a girl facing his way. (Y/n) couldn’t see her face but she had a good idea of who she was.

Peter had a shy smile on his lips and his cheeks were nearly blossoming, if (y/n) could say so. In true Peter fashion, he seemed to be stumbling upon his words and spoke a mile per minute. The girl seems as though she didn’t mind as she was laughing along. And yet, unlike the oblivious Peter she was used to, this Peter looked at the girl as if she was a goddess sent to the earth to absolve every sinner from their fated doom. This Peter smiled at her as if she handpicked each star to light up the darkest night.

His darkest night.

(Y/n) unconsciously took a sharp breath when she saw the girl laughing so hard she had to hold onto Peter to stabilize herself. The way she clutched Peter’s arm and the color on Peter’s cheeks…

“There he is! Call him, tell him to hurry up.”

“Just… Just give him a minute, will you, Happy?” She mumbled, eyes never leaving Peter. She was unaware of Happy glancing at her with a frown on his forehead. Like her, he did notice that Peter had a girl with him. He just hadn’t yet connected it to why (y/n) looked off.

As (y/n) sat there looking at the window, the tight feeling in her chest kept getting more painful as time went. On one hand, she would love to get out of the car and go to him, replacing the girl’s position beside Peter. But on the other hand, she knew that things didn’t work that way.

‘He’s happy, that’s all that matters, right?’

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice Peter already saying his goodbyes and approaching the car. It was only when Peter sat beside her that she was shaken off her trails.

“Hey, you good?” He asked.

(Y/n) smiled, a hint of sorrow that Peter didn’t notice on her lips.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

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3: Flirt

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The silence was quite awkward, if (y/n) must say.

Tony was out on a conference of some sort in Japan, and as much as (y/n) would love to visit the country, her father couldn’t literally pay her to sit through that conference with him. While she would inherit the company one day, she’d avoid any stuffy meetings if she could.

That day was another scheduled lab day for Peter, though. Tony had forgotten to tell him to reschedule, so he still went to the tower. Peter was going to leave until (y/n) called Tony and he told Peter to just mess around in the lab.

And there they were. In Tony Stark’s personal lab. Just the two of them (along with Dum-E).

(Y/n) could tell something was off with Peter. The first sign was when he said he would go home when he heard Tony wasn’t there. Usually he’d just stay and watch a movie with her. And now he was all quiet while fiddling with his webshooters.

Of course, one could say that perhaps he was focused on fixing or upgrading it, but (y/n) knew that there was nothing wrong with his webshooters and they already installed the upgrade a couple weeks ago. They hadn’t come up with new ideas since then.

“Hey, Pete?”

“Hm?” He didn’t even look up.

“Is there anything in your mind?”

“Huh? No, nothing.” Peter mumbled, still fiddling with his webshooters.

(Y/n) frowned. Something was not right, indeed.

A few minutes passed with silence between them. (Y/n) kept sneaking glances at Peter and Peter kept toying around with the shooters on his wrist. He wasn’t even doing anything. His eyes were unfocused and he was deep in thoughts.

Heaving a sigh, (y/n) removed the goggles she had on. She was doing a project for SI, but it could wait.

“Okay, let’s talk about this,” she said.

Peter finally looked up and stared at her, confused. “Talk about what?”

“Well, this,” she said again, gesturing at Peter.

“...you’re gesturing at all of me.”

“Of course I’m gesturing at all of you! You’re acting weird!”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are! You’re so quiet and you kept playing with your webshooters! Is there something wrong with them or what? You look like you’re thinking so hard and we both know you’re smart enough to not have to think that hard about your shooters!”

Peter didn’t say anything for a while as he stared at (y/n), eyes slightly furrowed.

“Well?” (Y/n) prompted. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Peter sighed and bit his lip. He looked up, as if pondering whether or not he should tell (y/n) about what was on his mind.

“It’s, uh, it’s about Liz.”

(Y/n) heart dropped.

“W-What about her?” She asked, feigning ignorance.

The frown made another appearance on Peter’s forehead. His fingers returned to the webshooter strapped on his wrist and started fiddling again. It was then that (y/n) noticed that this was his way of fidgeting. He used to fiddle with his fingers and then it was with his shooters.

“Well, I saw her today…”

“...and?”

“She, um…” Peter swallowed. “She was, uh, flirting, I think? With Flash.”

By some miracle, instead of feeling that tightness in her chest from the mention of her, she felt truly confused. “Flash? The same Flash that picks on you and doesn't believe in your internship?”

“Uh, yeah…?”

“Why would she? Doesn’t she know what kind of person he is?”

Peter laughed dryly. “He’s rich, (y/n).”

“And so am I, what about it?” (Y/n) raised an eyebrow. “I’m not as obnoxious as that guy, am I?”

“Of course not. You may be getting a big head, though.” He teased with a grin.

(Y/n) only swatted at his arm.

(It took every single will in her not to make a dirty joke then and there, telling herself it wasn’t appropriate for the topic.)

“Anyway! Why did you think she was flirting with him?” (Y/n) asked, ignoring the tight feeling that finally arrived despite the miracle earlier.

“Remember last week? When you picked me up with Happy?”

(Y/n) nodded. ‘How could I not?’ She thought bitterly.

“I don’t know if you saw, but uhh we were flirting, I think?”

“You think?”

“Well, Ned said we were…” Peter mumbled. “We were joking around and she kinda laughed so hard she had to hold onto me…” He recounted, a blush starting to make its way on his cheeks.

(Y/n) took a deep breath to try and calm her erratic heart. Her heart felt like it was sinking with each word coming out of Peter’s mouth. Had she not been a strong-willed young woman with experience in keeping her face neutral, she was 100% sure her eyes would be all watery by now. Not that she didn’t feel the burn on her eyes as she pretended not to hear Peter whispering ‘her hand was so soft’.

“And was she doing the same with Flash?” She asked, and again, by miracle, her voice didn’t crack.

Peter’s hand fell from his wrist and he nodded dejectedly.

“I thought she liked me, you know?” He muttered. Unlike her, Peter was an open book. He was never good at hiding his expression that it was a wonder that his secret identity was still intact. (Y/n) could clearly hear the pain in his voice.

It honestly infuriated her how easy it was for him to affect her.

(Y/n) cleared her throat. “Don’t take it to heart, Pete. Maybe she was just being friendly with him.”

“Or maybe she was just being friendly with me.” Peter mumbled, still dejected.

It filled her heart with grief that he could make such a pained expression in front of her. Had it been her, she could say with certainty that she would never let this boy in front of her go without a smile. But then again, who was she to do that? It wasn’t her that he wanted to put that smile on him.

And so, with a heavy heart and a smile hiding sorrow behind it, she told him, “Why don’t you ask her to do something with you? Like a date?”

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4: Date

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“(Y/n)? Where’s Peter?” Pepper immediately asked when she saw (y/n) lounging alone on the couch.

(Y/n) shrugged half-heartedly, shoving a spoonful of her favorite cookies and cream ice cream to her mouth. An older season of CSI: Miami was playing on the screen in front of her. She kept eating her ice cream unbothered as the screen showed a bloody corpse full of maggots. Oh, apparently it wasn’t a corpse and she was still alive. Who would’ve thought?

“Don’t you guys usually spend Sundays together?” Pepper asked again.

(Y/n) mumbled something that Pepper couldn’t hear.

“Sorry, what?”

“He has a date.”

Pepper blinked once. “A date?”

(Y/n) nodded.

“With… who?”

“...a girl from his school. An upperclassman.”

“Huh… Is that so?” Pepper hummed, taking a seat beside the young Stark.

She glanced at the angsty teen, still enjoying her ice cream accompanied by a pool of blood and maggot and David Caruso on the screen. “How are you feeling?”

“What do you mean? I’m totally fine.” (Y/n) answered through a mouthful of sugary dairy.

“I don’t think so, honey.” Pepper smiled at her, taking the tub away.

(Y/n) didn’t bother to answer, stubbornly keeping her eyes on the screen.

“I always thought both of you would end up together. What happened?” Pepper tried to ask.

“Us ending up together, huh?” (Y/n) chuckled dryly. “Not a chance, Pep.”

“Why do you say that?”

(Y/n) turned to the CEO of the company that one day would be hers. “Have you looked at Peter? Really looked at him?” She asked. “Because if you have, then you’d know that his eyes were never on me. Not once.”

Sighing, she reached to take back the tub of ice cream from Pepper. “A friend is all I am to him.” She muttered.

(Y/n) was perfectly fine with returning to her angsty mood accompanied by ice cream and crime lab, but apparently Pepper was not.

Pepper stood up and asked FRIDAY to turn the screen off.

“Aw, Pep! Why did you do that!” (Y/n) whined, not unlike a child getting her toy taken away.

“No wallowing in self pity, young lady. Now up you go! We’re going out.”

She groaned and plopped her face on the couch.

To say she would regret going out would be an understatement.

Because an hour on her outing with Pepper, she actually saw Peter on his date.

He was wearing a shirt and grey sweater, like how he wore to school, though the collar was neat. He definitely combed and gelled his hair. She didn’t like it, to be honest. (Y/n) always loved his curls that would fall to his eyes when it got a bit too long. She loved the soft unruly strands that felt silky when she ran her fingers through them.

Peter and his date, Liz, were in a cafe together. It was a cute and aesthetically pleasing one too. (Y/n) was in the Italian restaurant right across the street. Pepper sat with her back to the glass window, so she couldn’t see them, but it was as clear as the sky for (y/n).

And (y/n) wanted to look away, she really did. Yet for some reason, she just couldn’t stop staring at the happy couple. She watched as Liz reached a hand out to wipe something off the corner of Peter’s lips. She watched as Peter laughed shyly. She watched as he hesitantly tried to hold Liz’s hand on the table. She watched as Liz grinned and took his hand in hers.

She watched as they smiled at each other like they were the only people in the world and she was nothing but a speck of dust.

She watched, with bitter heart and a sorrowful smile as she told herself, as long as he’s happy, right?

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5: Broken Heart

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How could this have happened?

They were having such a great time together!

So why...?

“Peter, I’m so sorry…”

“It’s not your fault, why are you sorry?”

“I was the one who pushed you to ask her on a date…”

Peter chuckled. He tried to look unbothered, but he was still so easy to read. (Y/n) could basically hear the pieces of his broken heart rattling around as he moved.

It hurt her more than seeing him with her.

“Well, you couldn’t have known everything, (y/n),” Peter said. “Besides, at least I tried, you know?”

(Y/n) bit her lip.

Logically, she should be happy, shouldn’t she? Liz had told Peter that she wanted to remain friends, that she couldn’t be with him. That meant Peter was free for the whole world. Whether or not she had a chance was something else entirely. And yet, she felt extremely guilty.

“I’m okay, really!” Peter grinned with a fake cheerfulness. “I had a great time and I appreciate her telling me the truth instead of leading me on. I’m sure we’ll remain great friends even after this.”

‘But you were never great friends with her…’

“I guess she’s just trying to focus on her studies, you know? Since she’s a senior and all.”

‘But she did lead you on…’

“And you know what they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea!”

‘But you were so fixated on her…’

Peter’s eyes softened when he realized how quiet (y/n) was. “I’m really alright, (y/n). It’s not your fault at all.”

“Besides,” he grinned, this time genuine, “Maybe now it’s my turn to help you find someone! Your help was greatly appreciated and now I can return the favor!”

(Y/n) refrained from smiling sardonically at the irony. The only way he could help her find someone was if he magically fell in love with her, but she knew better than to be wishful like that.

“Thank you, Pete, but that won’t be necessary.”

“Whaaaaat why? I can give great love advice!”

“Yeah? Like what?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Uhh…”

“Exactly.”

“Anyway! When you find someone, tell me, okay? I’ll try my best to help you, since you were so helpful to me.”

Helpful, huh?

Why can’t you see it?

How badly I want to say those words?

Instead, (Y/n) smiled, sorrow seeping into her being. “It was my pleasure.”

——————————

+1: Reverse

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arachnophobia: wanna go out tonight? hecate hasnt been out for a while

ironlady: cant today

ironlady: harley’s coming

arachnophobia: harley? the one whose garage mr stark broke into?

ironlady: yep!! cant wait to see him

ironady: its been a while

arachnophobia: can i meet him?

ironlady: ofc just come here

The moment Peter stepped out from the elevator, he could hear the laughter already. He didn’t need his enhanced hearing to know that (y/n) was positively joyful.

He followed the sound to the penthouse’s living room where he could see (y/n) sitting on the couch. Beside her was a young man his age with sandy blonde hair. Both of them were talking animatedly with each other.

“Hey.”

“Oh, Peter!” (Y/n) turned around, a big grin on her face. “This is Harley Keener, the potato boy dad and I told you about!”

“Potato boy?” Harley frowned.

“It’s either that or problem child 1, which one do you prefer?”

“Tony’s been calling me that?”

“Yep!”

“And what are you?”

“Problem child 2, duh.” (Y/n) rolled her eyes.

Harley scoffed. “Yeah, right, il mio tarassaco.”

“Hey! Only dad can call me that!”

“I know, I know, don’t get your panties in a twist, Princess Stark.” Harley laughed as he ruffled (y/n)’s hair, much to her chagrin.

Peter couldn’t get one word out. He watched as (y/n) tried to get back at Harley and mess with his hair as Harley dodged her. He watched as (y/n)’s face was overtaken by a huge grin and her eyes lighted up in joy.

“Harley stop it!”

“You started it!”

“No I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!”

“No I didn’t!”

“Yes you did!”

“No I- you know what, I’m not doing this. You haven’t even greeted Peter!” (Y/n) huffed, gesturing at Peter who was still standing still behind the sofa.

“Oh, yeah, my bad,” Harley said. He stood up and dusted his pants, then reached out a hand.

“Harley Keener, at your service,” he grinned.

Peter took his hand hesitantly. “Peter Parker. Nice to meet you.”

(Y/n) beamed at the two of them. “I’ve told him so much about you. I think you guys will be great friends!” She told Peter. “Dad is talking about making Harley his intern too, so you two will be Stark Industries first and only high school interns. Tony Stark’s personal interns, to be exact.”

“Wait, intern?” Peter asked, clearly taken aback. “But don’t you live in Tennessee?”

Harley shrugged. “I’m moving here around next month. Not a lot of opportunities back home, so Tony offered to house and send me to school here. I’m here today to look around before the big day.”

“It’s a shame I can’t go to school with you, though.” (Y/n) complained. “I’m getting bored of this whole homeschooling thing.”

“What can I say, Princess Stark,” Harley said with a teasing smile, “a Princess must remain at her castle.”

“Yeah, well, this Princess can take care of herself and goes out at night alone, what about it?” She rolled her eyes.

“Alright, alright, you got a point, Hecate.”

“I told you, I’m not Hecate right now!”

“He knows about Hecate?” Peter asked.

(Y/n) nodded. “He was the first one to know, even before dad. I told you of how Harley’s been coming here for years, right? He basically knows more about me than dad at this point.”

“That, I do.” Harley said, staring at Peter a little too long. Something dawned on him when he saw something on Peter’s face.

He turned to (y/n) and slung an arm around her shoulders. “Anyway, I gotta run and find Tony now, got things to ask him. I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah, you know where to find me.”

“Great! See ya later, Princess Stark.” Harley dropped a big kiss on her head and left the room, but not before giving Peter a meaningful look.

Peter was frozen on his spot.

In all his time knowing (y/n), not once did he ever see (y/n) that happy. She looked so carefree, as if she trusted Harley blindly and trusted him to keep her that way. It took him some time to get (y/n) to open up to him. He knew that he couldn’t compare himself to Harley who knew (y/n) longer than him, but for some reason it ticked him off.

But why?

And when Harley held (y/n) close to him like that? It felt wrong to Peter. Then he went and actually kissed her! Well, on the head, but still. Something felt off within Peter and he didn’t really know what or why.

Somehow, it was almost like…

Like it should’ve been him?

“Peter, are you okay?”

Peter was startled from his thoughts when (y/n)’s face suddenly entered his peripherals.

“I’m fine, why do you ask?” He quickly said.

(Y/n) hummed. “You look a bit off, that’s all.”

“It’s nothing, I promise.”

“If you say so…”

“So, uh,” Peter started, “that Harley… How long is he staying?”

“A week, I think. He’ll move in next month, on the 15th.” (Y/n) answered. “I can’t wait for next month, honestly. I missed him so much. Him living with me and dad here would be a blast.”

“When do you want to go out?” Peter asked, changing the subject immediately. Somehow, for some reason, he didn’t want to hear (y/n) talk about Harley anymore. Especially not about how he would be living with her.

“Ah, well… Not this week? Maybe after Harley’s back to Tennessee?”

“...oh.”

“You can still go out without me though! I know Spider-Man must be anxious to get out there!”

“...yeah, you’re right. Uh, you know what, I actually forgot I had to run an errand for May, so I’m going to leave now, okay?”

Peter quickly rushed out. The penthouse was getting stuffy for no reason and he couldn’t stand being there anymore.

What is wrong with me?

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Taglist + Mutuals (let me know if you want me to untag you!)

@spn-assemble-seven @racewife2004​​ @lukesbabylon​​ @serendipitous-amor​​ @sovereign-parker @ifangirlninja​​ @lyzalovealk @lookuptotheskiesandsee @tommysparker​​ @starlight-starks​​   @marvelexi​​ @lou-la-lou​​ @spiderbibby​​ @hello--zuko-here​ @everydaymj​​ @galaxystern08​​  @allegra-writes​​​​ @spideyspeaches​​​​ @delicatepeterparker​​ @parkerpeter24​​​​ @terrifictomholland​​​​ @quackeroos​​ @angel-spidey​​ @greenorangevioletgrass​​ @awkward-darkness​​ @chloecreatesfictions @tonguetiedholland​​ @peterbenjiparker​​ @and-it-burns-like-a-fire @sinisterspidey​​ @bi-lmg

[heliolicious]

napoleone della rosa's diary - from cristoforo della rosa's point of view

chapter 2: confusion

one day, napoleone had a girlfriend. she appeared very suddenly in his life, the girl of the restaurant confessed to him, a spring day, that she wanted to be his girlfriend. and my brother, a 17 year old, bless his naive being, gave into it without questioning anything. he never got anybody going up to him and asking him out like that, everyone preferred to be away from him. because he was the weird one. the smart ass chatterbox. the one everyone found boring.

portia de amarettis, this was the girl's name. i saw her, multiple times, at home. she seemed to be highly spoilt and respected by our parents, who even started to treat napoleone himself, a little better. something didn't sit right with me about it. something felt fishy, but napoleone was blinded by the feeling of finally having someone by his side. i can't tell if he really ever loved portia, or if he was only ever in love with the sole idea of being loved by someone.

"april 12nd, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

this morning i've been on a date with portia, my girlfriend. we have two almost every week, my parents have never been happier than this, it almost feels like they care about my happiness and my freedom, which is pretty unbelievable. we ate together, and i paid for it to try to be a gentleman. i feel like i took a wrong step, however, when i asked her how she was feeling about making love with me. she is two years older than me, i supposed she already had more experience, but she said she wasn't ready yet. and looked a little upset when she left.

so i took some time to think about where did i go wrong, hoping she wouldn't be upset. i took a walk at the park. and i met a boy, who didn't laugh in my face and didn't call me names when everyone else did. he seemed to be much taken aback from me, and did not want me to see his face. this didn't and won't stop me from being next to him. i'll see him again."

so he met a special friend. a special friend that in a matter of little time, became someway almost as important as portia in his life. but again, his dates with portia started to feel organized in the same way his parents organized and kept under their control his studying schedule. my brother would have wanted to spend an afternoon with his new friend, but sometimes, they set up a date for him and the girl three afternoons in a row. so he couldn't see his friend, for quite some time.

his girlfriend started to feel more like homework, during those days, leading my brother to think about it and realize, that maybe it wasn't as good as he thought. that maybe his heart didn't really beat for her precisely, nothing was in his heart when she smiled, he only ever felt something when he thought about receiving love. no matter whether it came from portia herself or not. until he realized what being suddenly lovestruck really meant.

when his friend showed up with a completely different face. a perfect one. a porcelain doll looking one.

"april 20th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i am feeling weird. i have a girlfriend, so it can't be that my heart is racing for desire towards someone else. it should just be for the surprise, he said it's a curse that changed his appearance. never have i ever struggled to keep myself from kissing someone this hard. but he's a man. and i am one too. i don't know how to take this, not to mention, i am busy with portia. even if i never felt this way for her. this might just be the effect of the surprise for i have seen his new face. i have a date with portia, tomorrow. i'll see what do i feel about her and judge what's up with me."

"april 22th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

i don't know what to say, nor why i did it. there's nothing i want to write here, if not that i messed up, when portia leaned in for a kiss and i backed off. she thought i was upset because she didn't want to sleep with me yet. the truth is, i just don't know if i love her anymore. it saddens me, she seems to love me a lot. or at least she's doing anything to keep me. in all honesty, i fear what would happen if i told her the truth, or worse, if i told my parents. i can't even ask for my friend's opinion. it would require telling him i ache for a kiss of his. and it feels wrong."

i can't hide these pages of my brother's diary hurt me. because i've already read it all, and it makes me furious.

however, napoleone soon found out everyone, portia included, had been using him the whole time, for her family's restaurant had been falling into bankruptcy due to debts with passione, a huge mafia. the plan was getting her married to napoleone, joining the families together, to start a good total income for the two families, being the de amarettis restaurant the best one in the city and the one with most success. the only obstacle so far, had been the debts to fulfill with the rival mafia.

but now, napoleone's heart created another obstacle. when he found out portia never really loved him, and that her family and his own parents played him like a fiddle for money, he stabbed with a dagger all the pages that contained words of affection towards her. or that spoke about her in any case. it took me a little to understand the missing pieces and restore the pages i showed a second ago, but i was able to fix them quite well.

the last piece of this chapter doesn't require his diary anymore, however. after stabbing it with a dagger, he never spoke about her again, in his diary. so, i'm gonna have to expose something i spied in secret.

he mentioned in the first diary page i showed here, that he felt almost as if his parents had started to care about him, after he got together with portia. but he soon learnt at his own expenses that it was just for money. of course, my brother tried to delete her from his mind, even if it was not possible. he even let a lot of anger off, in secret. but when our father saw him set himself up all elegant and good looking, more than he looked like when he used to hang with portia, he questioned really hard where he was gonna go.

napoleone always tried to stay outside with his special friend the most he could, he did not want to stay inside, seeing our family angered him, and seeing lady delphine angered him more, since she knew about it and never told him. he trusted her deeply for years, and she gave his trust away too.

however, my brother was just trying to go outside and spend an afternoon with his friend, when our father stopped him.

"who is it?" he just asked. straight to the point. napoleone could just freeze on the spot and turn around. our mother, olympia, was just in the next room, but as i was spying in secret, i'm sure she was listening just as much. "not only you ruin what your mother and i had planned for you, money and a wedding, but you also have the guts of setting yourself up and leaving like this. almost everyday, instead of studying. there must be someone. is she... rich?"

"no. can i go?"

"is she known?"

"i don't owe you answers. i really... just wanna go-" a loud, smacking sound. when my brother refused to answer for the second time, our father lost his patience. he always snapped. too quickly. i had never seen it before, though. napoleone was the one who always got caught into it. his cheek hurt immensely. his glasses flew off.

"you don't have the power you think you hold, leone. you disobey your mother and i, you leave a betrothed behind for a random lady, a poor underdog god knows where you found. you've always been an obedient kid. what are you doing of your life?"

"she's not an underdog. he- she- ... she is someone i value."

our father stared at him. immensely. for some seconds. my fifteen year old mind didn't get what had happened, i used to ask myself what was wrong with having a male friend, but my current mind does understand what the whole situation truly meant, enough to tell about it. napoleone had slipped on it, and our father wasn't so stupid to not to notice. in fact, he stared at napoleone with a disgusted expression for seconds that felt neverending. and then, whispered under his breath. "you filthy f****t. whose son are you? not mine, for sure."

don't make me write that fully. our father said that word to him, and i didn't know what it meant, when i was fifteen. but now i know, and it gives me chills to think about the scene. the scene of my father taking a handful of my brother's hair to kick his nose, insulting him and telling him he was a disappointment. it was the first time, i ever heard napoleone scream in agony. our father sometimes slapped us if we didn't behave, but he never got so far.

when we were younger, napoleone had little to no muscle. and he was definitely thinner than me. now, it's the contrary, but at the time, it really mattered. the scene continued under my - hidden - eyes and under my mom's gaze, until my brother had a seizure and could just lie on the ground, not reacting, not answering to anything.

"i will find your son's filthy friend." our father murmured in our mother's ear. and i don't know what happened afterwards. all i know, is that i saw my brother's eyes widen and move towards them, as if he heard them despite the ongoing seizure. and the day after, i witnessed him shooting our father in the head.

"june 5th, 1992. (=napoleone's age: 18 / cristoforo's age: 15)

no, no you won't."

it was the beginning of the end.

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)