#i've been learning to apologize when i say something terrible to someone i love

[revasserium]

write. it doesn't have to be good, it doesn't even have to be a story. write a sentence, a fragment, a phrase, a thought. write something. write anything. write.

and be proud of yourself that you did.

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Girl thank you so so so so so much for writing yandere!Konig because LEMME TELL YOU I did not know I needed him until I stumbled upon your blog. Reading Just Friends was like a breath of fresh air, your characterization of Konig's character was AMAZING. Seriously, I think you've ruined all other Konig pics for me lol! I loved how unhinged and scary he was but also how caring and kind he was towards Engel <3

BTW have two questions regarding Konig in Just Friends!

1. How old is he in this fic? (apologies if you already mentioned this in the fic I have a terrible memory)

2. At what point in his and Engel's relationship would he finally allow her to look at him without his hood on? What kind of experience would that be for both of them? Also, what do you imagine him to look like? (sorry I'm now realizing this is more than 2 questions)

By the way, I just read Man-Sized and wow that was a phenomenal fic, I gotta say I love love love your interpretation of Ghost's character. I feel like Ghost is a tough character to write but you really nailed him!

Thanks in advance! (I'm gonna go binge the rest of your awesome fics hehe)

Thank you so much sweetie!! You shower me with compliments and I've read your message so many times, it always puts a smile on my face 💕 As for your questions:

1. Considering that this is an AU where König is not a colonel, and because some of his mannerisms are a bit boyish, I’d say König is somewhere around 27–32 in this fic...?

2. Removing the hood completely, even in Engel's presence, is super challenging for König because the mask is not only a comfort object, it's his shield against the world. He can't bear anyone to look at him and what's been done to him, he actually thinks himself a monster (a thought planted in his mind by his father).

I'm actually getting slasher vibes from Just Friends König's relationship with his mask; I don't know if you're familiar with the lore on Michael Myers (Halloween) or Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th), but the mask means everything to all of them and so it does to König. It transforms him into a hero, a soldier, an operator, a functioning human being. Without it he's reduced to scarred, vulnerable, weak man.

So... it will take time before he would take it off and even more time for him to be comfortable with hanging around without it (if that's even possible). But Engel has learned to love his scars, so I'm sure König will eventually lower down that shield when they're alone ❤️

I’d imagine the first times happen when they’re cuddling and Engel lifts the mask to kiss him. Days and weeks pass, more cuddling ensues, and König lets the cloth stay up longer and longer when he sees she’s not repulsed. Engel kisses his scars, caresses his face, tells him that he’s handsome and that she loves him – it doesn’t transform König from an abused, bullied, broken man to someone cheerful and outgoing, but it allows him to at least ease into the fact that there’s someone in this world who doesn’t fear or hate him. He's been blessed with a woman who doesn't think he's a monster, so he is even more convinced that Engel is a heavenly being because how else would she be able to touch and love him like this...?

(3.) I actually shared some pics earlier on what I imagine König looking like, but I'm having second thoughts about it which is why I don't want to share a link to that ask. It may sound odd but it's always been really hard for me to imagine what's under that hood! People seem to have so many different headcanons on what he looks like, I think it's really cool. I have nothing, I wish I had something 🥲 His face has always been just blurred, sensored void to me, the only thing I imagine is that König has dark blonde/light brown hair (he might prefer a short military cut because he's a freak for all things army) and that he has thin lips?

And she even tells him she likes it when he’s without the hood, tells that she likes to see his face and wants to just watch him and kiss him. König will eventually lose the hood more often when he’s with her. It's not for his sake, but hers. If Engel wants to see him, who is he to deny her? It makes his heart and chest tight, but he’ll just have to live with it. Besides, Engel’s lips and touch feel better than being inside that baggy darkness all the time.

[perspectivestarters]

Perspective's Sentence Starters; The Great Impersonator (Part II)

I NEVER LOVED YOU

It wasn't enough.

They couldn't save her.

It wasn't her fault.

It was there from the start.

Trying to love you through an open wound

If you only knew how bad it hurt me too.

You can take the money.

You can rest your head down and not feel any shame.

I never loved you.

I never loved you in vain.

We argued a lot.

You drove off screaming on the night you were caught.

You left me standing in the parking lot.

I took off chasing you down Route 22.

You never listen and I'm terrible too.

You kept on driving far away from the issues.

If you stopped, I would've kissed you.

I almost thought I heard you call my name.

DARWINISM

There's lots of fish out in the pond.

What if I'm from outer space?

I have fire in my bones and in my veins.

I let it show and scare my suitors far away.

They say that God makes no mistakes, but I might disagree.

If everyone has someone, then the math just isn't right.

I'm the only outlier, the lonely archetype.

If everything is by design, well, I might disagree.

You all know something that I don't.

You all learned something that I fear I'll never know.

What if I'm just cosmic dust?

I was born all by myself, it's not unlikely that I'll die that way as well.

LONELY IS THE MUSE

I spent years becoming cool.

In one single second, you can make a decade of my efforts disappear.

Didn't know you were here.

I always knew I was a martyr.

I was built from special pieces that I learned how to unscrew.

I can always reassemble to fit perfectly for you.

Lonely is the muse.

So where do I go in the process when I'm just an apparatus?

I've inspired platinum records.

I've earned platinum airline status.

I'm reduced to just a body here in someone else's bed.

I will always be a martyr.

When you're done, you can discard me like the others always do.

I will nurse my wounds until another artist needs me new.

I will always reassemble to fit perfectly in view for anybody that decides that I'm of use.

ARSONIST

Arsonist burning down the world to feel its heat.

The arsonist doesn't feel the embers on his feet.

Your human starter kit came incomplete.

My apologies, arsonist, you loved me.

Fool me twice, the shame is on me

Am I a victim in your game?.

Will you pass me through your bloodline with your ornamental rage?

Can I take the blame for everything you hate?

The punishment and crime are not the same.

Somebody will love me for the way that I'm designed.

You don't love the flames, you just want them for yourself.

You smothered out the glow I grew for you but it was mine too.

Alchemy's not love, it's playing God.

Have you ever been broken and thrown down?

Have you ever given the world to somebody as a gift and had it returned?

Did you know the father's DNA stays inside the mother for seven years?

Have you ever waited seven years?

Have you ever woken from a dream just to realize that you're still asleep?

Do you ever wish you were still asleep?

Do you ever wish you wouldn't wake up?

LIFE OF THE SPIDER (DRAFT)

For several days now I've been living here.

I feel like a monster.

It doesn't help that you will treat me like I've got the venom in my teeth.

I came for shelter from the cold and I'd thought I'd stay a while.

You'll kill me when I least expect it.

God, how could I even think of daring to exist?

I worked real hard on the last one but the last one got me here.

I'm minding my own business but my presence makes you curse.

I should be getting better but I'm only getting worse.

I know you hate the sight of me.

You would break me if you tried.

HURT FEELINGS

My dad is almost home.

I'll perpetually believe that any man who says he loves me is hidin' somethin' up his sleeve.

I'll be changin' like the weather.

I'll never be like him.

You know my father isn't dead, but it don't feel like he's still here.

It's strange now that he's grey and getting older by the day.

My eyes tell me that he's harmless despite what my heart has to say.

Maybe this is just another trick that hasn't happened yet.

Blood is thick but water is forever.

That girl will be a problem only if you let her.

I left her back home but I cannot forget her.

I thought that it was my fault, and now sometimes I still do.

I can't bear to fake a smile when you walk into the room.

LUCKY

I am so lucky.

My self-loathing so deep-rooted.

Truth is I'm not suited for it.

I hope that you still love me.

I'm a star.

If there's nothin' missin' in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"

I feel her, but I can't relate.

I'd never end up in that state.

What do you do with a difficult grownup?

I thought I changed so much, nobody would notice it, and no one did.

I told everybody I was fine for a whole damn year.

That's the biggest lie of my career.

She's so lucky.

Haven't you heard?

LETTER TO GOD (1998)

Please, God, or whoever you are.

These days I get less calls 'cause no one wants to hear my voice.

I miss the days when I was gettin' texts that I could just avoid.

I've been tryin' to be calm and not pre-emptively destroy.

Every time I'm in the real world, I just end up paranoid.

I don't ever wanna leave him, but I don't think it's my choice.

I'm basking in these moments where I feel a shred of joy.

I don't think my pleas are heard because I'm screaming in the void.

Oh, you've gotta be sick.

Why do you make it hurt, and why's it over so quick?

I'm finally loved.

I finally found somebody I don't wanna get rid of.

You took a little while to respond to my prayer.

Please, God, no, this doesn't seem fair.

I'm tryin' not to show it, but I'm terribly scared.

THE GREAT IMPERSONATOR

No one has to know.

I could always hide.

They don't know I'm lonely.

They don't know I'm kind.

Every single truth I sing once started as a lie.

Does a story die with its narrator?

Surely it's forgotten soon or later.

Hope they spell my name right in the paper.

This is a cry for help.

You can't tell I need it when you’re watchin' from a distance.

[a-student-out-of-time]

Hi. You don’t need to respond to this ask, I just wanted to say this. The recent couple of asks have really solidified this for me. While I’m alright with mental health being a very large focus of this story, in fact I’m very happy about it…I’m worried about certain terms that have become watered down buzz words within it. Like the Self-Pity thing. I feel like that it’s just been used whenever a character, particularly characters such as Haijime or Chiaki, feels bad about a situation, like the last couple of asks. Being upset about something bad happening (like killing someone, even a terrible person) and feeling bad about a situation is a pretty normal response. And I’m just worried about people just throwing it around at upset characters, as well as other mental health related issues. While I agree that characters need therapy, and discussion of different mental health issues is important, I don’t want people getting the wrong idea about these sorts of things. If I’m being honest, after learning more about self pity from this blog’s definition of it being, at least in my eyes, a bad thing with no good sides to it, it just made me feel worse, because any time I felt bad about what I was going through, I though I was being selfish and awful by pitying myself, which made my self esteem take a drop . I know this wasn’t your intention, but I just wanted to say something about my experience. I’m sorry. Thank you if you read all of this.

//Hey there, thank you for reaching out and bringing this to my attention.

//I just wanted to be as clear as I can be on this: everything I've said about self-pity in this story is not simply about feeling bad or guilty about your actions, because that's a perfectly normal thing to do.

//What we've discussed here is when self-pity becomes so overwhelming and self-destructive that it causes harm to others in the process. When you deny others any sort of emotional connection, dismiss them because you don't feel worthy of their efforts to help you, it not only denies you the ability to grow as a person, it also hurts the people trying to help you.

//It especially becomes a problem when you get trapped in a cycle of self-hatred, where you become so convinced that you're not worth anyone's attention that you can give people the impression that their feelings don't matter to you, which can then contribute to the cycle. When you hate yourself, it hurts others in the process, no matter what you may say or do.

//And besides, good friends and family don't ever want you to hate yourself in the first place. When you dump on yourself or try to become an emotional martyr, it doesn't make the suffering in the world go down. Mental wellness is not a zero sum game.

//I write about this stuff because these are my experiences with depression. I did these things way too much and I wound up hurting people I care about, including someone I was in a relationship with at the time. It took them telling me to, in a very loving and constructive manner, get my shit together so I could break out of this negative way of viewing myself. I had to completely change my way of thinking, and while I have bad days still, it really did help me a lot.

//You can never keep your own pain completely internal; it'll always reach out and affect other people, but you have the power to keep it under control and not let it convince you to ruin the good things you have. A big part of that is surrounding yourself with people who understand and who'll help you out whenever you need it.

//But I understand that my experiences are not universal and maybe my word choices have been poor. I sincerely apologize if I've given anyone the wrong impression about what the goal of this theme is. This was never about the idea that being down on yourself at all is bad, because sadness and guilt are an integral part of the human experience.

//The lesson is that it's important not to become so sad or so guilty that you convince yourself that you're unworthy of other people's love, because truly no good comes out of that.

//I hope you have a good day, anon. Thank you for reaching out.

[thecreativeforge-a]

Edit 10/3: This blog has been officially archived. Have a good time on Tumblr! 👍

Hey everyone,

I will be archiving this blog and officially closing the last of my RP blogs on Tumblr in the next few days. It's a decision I've been contemplating on making for a while now, and I think it's time to act on it.

My personal opinions and rants below the line, if you're interested.

I will be moving back to Discord. If you have it, you can get in touch with me there to chat, RP and anything else. If not and you wish to stay in touch, you're welcome to message me and I will consider giving my handle.

Thank you for all the wonderful threads and the rare gems I came across being here. Y'all been an absolute blast! ❤️

The transition to the Tumblr RPC wasn't an easy one for me to begin with. I had to get used to a lot of new terms and rules, spoken, unspoken or otherwise. But with time, what bothered me most about Tumblr RPC is the lack of communication on this platform. It could be just my rotten luck or people just don't like me here, or this is just how it is, but people don't talk to each other on this platform.

When I write with someone, I love to talk to my partner about ourselves, about what we write, gush about things and just enjoy each other's writing and company. There is certain dedication to the story and the communication that shows. For me, it hardly ever happened here. Sure, I have people I write threads with, but we don't really talk to each other at all. I don't expect people to be connected by the hip nor do we need to become best friends to write (I myself enjoy a certain level of privacy online); RPing is a mutually cooperative hobby for me, and having some form of chemistry and communication with a partner is necessary.

This, unfortunately, didn't happen for me here. It wasn't about people being busy or not, because everyone has lives outside this platform and it's not about how fast or how often you reply or send stuff, it's just nobody talks to anyone here. And it's something that dampened my mood to write more often than not.

Again, this can be just my bad luck. Maybe I haven't found the right people to click with, or maybe people I wrote with didn't want to click with me, I don't know. But for the recent while, I had a long hard look at myself and realized how RPing on Tumblr just felt more and more like a chore and a burden with time. I became exhausted and passive, my writing felt terrible, I lost my muse more often than I had it, I didn't want to send anything because my askbox was always empty, I was coming short with ideas and initative because it was hardly ever returned, and it just... Wasn't it anymore.

I'd like to say I gave it an honest try. To be fair, it took finding a new partner on Discord to realize that maybe my expectations don't match the Tumblr platform and it really just isn't for me. The cycle was growing vicious and I knew I had to cut it short.

Overall, it's been a good learning experience. Thank you for tolerating me, and for all the wonderful threads I did get to write with some amazing writers out there. It's important to mention that there are partners out there that I had an absolutely amazing time with. I did have a blast for a while, and I won't forget it. I apologize if I ever ignored or hurt anyone.

Have a wonderful week! 😊

[maxphilippa]

You know, for someone constantly ranting about the bad side of the II fandom, you spread a lot of negativity yourself. Especially when it comes to shipping and character interpretation, because apparently no one’s allowed to accidentally overlook any part of a character or see humanity in characters who are morally wrong and know it.

Honestly, I know almost nothing about the bad side of the II fandom, but I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than an admittedly questionable but popular ship and people not writing the characters how you see them. Which at least in my opinion, isn’t actually bad but just normal fandom that happens everywhere

Ironically for an artist, I think most of your recent posts have just been about this kind of stuff. What happened to the you that made one of best AUs in II Fandom?

Sincerely,

A Concerned Fan

. anon. the thing that happened was that I stopped repressing myself and my thoughts when it came to the fandom itself. i never said that people aren't allowed to unintentionally/accidentally overlook certain things or that they can't see humanity on morally wrong characters, what i did mean to do is to encourage people to study the characters more and to try to think out of the black/white bad/good perspective, and to understand that complex characters aren't all the same and that every single character is more than just an stereotype, to actually try to look deeper for the characters other than for shipping reasons. to actually try to get the series for what it's worth and to not ignore parts that are canon of it.

i've been on the bad side of the ii fandom for months and honestly, i cannot talk about a lot of things about it because it would get me buried alive, because harassment and death threats by some of the people around here are things that happened to one of my friends and to me too. i am not mentally ready to try to cover all of that yet but you are right on me being more negative lately, and meanwhile i do have my reasons for it (been harassed, saw how my friend struggled for months to recover from all the harassment she got on the fandom), things that ultimately hurted me deeply.

so i bring up the things that also cause those problems and such, going against popular hcs is a big thing still and it kind of sucks a lot. i've been more tired lately considering how the fandom appears to have gotten worse on those aspects, which ultimately drains my energy, and seeing a thing that you love being treated like it can only work if you change everything, seeing something that you love being misinterpretated but not seeing people try to at least analyze it or get it, it. sucks. it makes you feel tired. because you really love that media, but the negative part of the fandom is so strong that it affected you, even though you still very much love the media itself.

and it does hurt but also.

but i am sorry that i got too caught up on it too. i can't say that it's going to get calmer with time because it's still affecting me and my friends, but I genuinely do want to bring with time a more positive look on things. yet my tone when it came to those things wasn't the best one and i apologize for that too. i genuinely don't want people to think that i am saying "you aren't allowed to make mistakes", i did a lot of them! a lot of mistakes! and that's okay!!! everyone makes mistakes. what i want people to do is to try and learn more about the media on general because it is good and i really want people to look more on the media than rather just settle for the fanon!!!

. oh and also i am just. angry with the fandom. it's not an "oh i just think they're like this" my issue with the way people treat ii and it's characters is that they do twist them way too much to the point it feels terribly ooc and it feels like people don't really. I am all up for interpretations genuinely and I encourage them!!! But I want people to understand the media so the interpretations actually feel. You know. On character. To not depend on the fanon. and i'd really like it if the fandom became more accepting of others and to be more open about things. and to maybe not be so extreme when people say that they don't like a popular thing too? there is a lot to fix here buttttt that is something the community itself has to work on. absorbing too much of it's negativity hurted on a personal level

And I am still here, I don't know which AU you're talking about but I genuinely do appreciate that you consider that I made "one of the best II AU's", and please do not be concerned. It's been rough lately but I can assure you that I'll be okay. It's easier to focus on the negative part but also, focusing on it too much has made me more grumpy lately and I really do want to talk more on why I love II and make content of it. Thank you for sharing your worries too anon. I'll take that on count. :]♡

[acacia-may]

YTTD requests, you say?

Hello hello, hopefully this isn't a clog or too much of a bother; and most importantly, I hope you're having a great day right now! But I thought I may as well drop in and get a YTTD headcanon request in, seeing as I may or may not have been the cause of you getting into that series in the first place 😶

So, I'll try to indulge you a little by putting down two characters I know you have a really deep love for. Sei and Kai. 💙 + 💛. Maybe for the friendship one, how they deal with the other getting closer and having more friendships with other people? (I wonder if Sei would be the jealous type that's worried someone might try to take advantage of his brother's kindness 😅)

That's all from me. Do take your time with all the asks getting thrown your way in your inbox, and make sure to get plenty of rest and stay in good health! Have a lovely day ahead of you!

Oh my goodness, Repo! Your ask could never be a bother at all! Please don't ever worry about or apologize for sending in asks about anything. I enjoy them a lot and appreciate each and every one of them that comes in (even if it sometimes takes me a while to answer). I'm actually so excited for this one especially, you really have no idea! Thank you so, so much!! 🥰 It's my first YTTD ask ever so I feel very accomplished and also very excited! 🥳

It does feel appropriate that my first YTTD ask would come from you since, yes, you are absolutely the reason I am now suffering... (I'm only kidding of course. Thank you so much again for the recommendation of such an amazing story and game! I've got some of my friends irl playing it now, and my sister absolutely loves it. I would have never even known it existed if not for you so many thanks for that even if I am now heartbroken over a lot of dysfunctional fictional siblings 💕). On that note, there is especially no need for apologies for sending in an ask that is so incredibly self-indulgent for me. Seriously, I feel so spoiled right now. I don't deserve this! 🥺 My problem sons and their dysfunctional brotherly relationship really is so dear to my heart even if (at the same time) thinking about them makes me want to curl up and cry...

Why do I do this to myself?! 😭 KAI AND SEI DESERVED BETTER!!! I want to adopt them and give them cake 🎂 *cries*

Anyway, thank you so much again for the ask and for all of the kind words, friend! I hope you have a wonderful day as well, and I really hope you will like these headcanons! Please feel free to stop by anytime (and send in another ask if you want something more self-indulgent for yourself/an ask about your favorite characters too 😁). Cheers!! 💖

Headcanons are below the cut. Thank you for playing my Bye Bye Writer's Block Headcanon's Game! 🥰

(Warnings: Mentions grieving, food, sickness, injury, child abuse, death and angst. MAJOR SPOILERS for YTTD especially the Kai mini-episode)

Kai & Sei Friendship/Family Headcanons

💙-- Hurt/Comfort

During his childhood, Kai once contracted a terrible flu that lasted nearly two weeks. In general, he and Sei were essentially "on their own" when it came to sickness and injuries as children since Gashu believed that they should be strong enough to get over whatever it was on their own and if they weren't, then it was probably for the best that they just succumb to their wounds or illness. Just luckily neither of them were particularly sickly (usually), but they were often injured as part of their training and mostly learned how to care for and dress wounds for themselves. In this case, however, Kai was the sickest he had probably ever been, but as he wasn't expecting any sort of help, it was a complete shock to him that Sei jumped in to take care of him almost immediately.

In Sei's mind, Kai was such an airhead that he couldn't take care of himself on a good day--there was no way he could take care of himself while he was sick, so even though he really didn't know what he was doing he tried his best to play caregiver--mainly just kept his brother warm, making sure he had plenty of water, trying to keep his fever down with cold compresses, and preparing him meals of instant noodles (the only thing he really knew how to make) while worrying far more than he would ever admit. Sei told Kai not to make a big deal out of it--insisting that he was only helping to patch him up so he could beat him at sparring practice later, but Kai, who had never actually been taken care of before, was truly touched by his brother's actions and tried his best to repay the favor going forward.

(Related) Bonus HC [though this one is more angsty]: The first meals that Kai ever learned how to cook were Sei's favorite foods which Kai learned to make for his brother when he was injured (or on the rare occasions that he was sick). Gashu allowed the hobby because he thought it may prove useful one day (And it eventually did when Kai's cover became 'homemaker' and housekeeper for the Chidouins). Sei was always a bit jealous of Kai's cooking skills, especially since when he was recovering, he got these gourmet meals from his brother, but when Kai was recovering, all he got was instant noodles (since Sei really couldn't cook to save his life). Kai insisted he loved the instant noodles, however. (Of course what he really loved was the fact that his brother had taken the time to make them and take care of him).

When he lost Sei, Kai couldn't bring himself to make his favorite foods for a long time, but he spent many a night for those first couple of months without him crying into a cup of instant noodles.

💛-- Friendship

(A/N: I really loved your prompt! Thank you for that. My sister and I were actually just discussing this very topic a couple of days ago, so I'm more than happy to run with it for you! Also 100% agree with your interpretation of Sei as a protective brother!)

Sei is much more jaded and mistrustful than Kai--believing that other people are always playing some sort of angle and/or only looking out for themselves whereas Kai wants to believe in the best in others and is a truly generous person who will genuinely put other people's wants over his own without expecting anything in return. As this is a foreign concept to Sei, it takes him a long time to realize that Kai genuinely cares about him in altruistic way without any strings attached. Sei who has never had such a relationship before recognizes what a gift and a privilege it is to be loved unconditionally, and as such, his bond with Kai quickly becomes one of the most important things in the world to him.

One of Sei's greatest worries as far as his brother is concerned is that someone will twist or trample on what he considers his brother's greatest strengths and take advantage of Kai's selflessness and generosity. For this reason, Sei can be very protective of Kai. While he admires Kai's kindness and good-hearted nature, he thinks it can make his brother a bit airheaded at times and can cause him to put his guard down around other people when he shouldn't--ultimately, leaving him vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Since Kai is kind of aloof, he can seem to be unapproachable to people who don't know him well, and since he is naturally quiet and not one to take much initiative in social situations, it can be difficult for him to make friends. This is, truthfully, a bit of a relief to Sei since it protects Kai from falling in with a more manipulative group who might try to take advantage of him. That said, Sei would be genuinely sad to learn his brother was lonely and wanted friends when/if he didn't have them.

If Kai ever made some good friends, it would take Sei a very long time to warm up to them. They would likely be incredibly confused upon meeting Sei for the first time since Kai always speaks so warmly about his brother and describes what a caring person he is--failing to mention the fact that his brother is a tsundere so that caring nature is hidden under a frosty exterior of bluntness, callousness, and snark.

Sei would have absolutely no problem telling Kai's friends exactly what he thought of them and would likely tell Kai (on multiple occasions) that he can do better. Ultimately, however, Sei wants good things for Kai. As soon as Kai's friends prove that they care about him just as much as Sei does and really do have his best interests at heart, they will likely become endeared to Sei forever, and Sei will feel very grateful and indebted to them for looking out for his brother.

Kai on the other hand would immediately love any friend that Sei made. In fact, he would probably consider them Sei's friends even before Sei would acknowledge them as such--saying things like "It's so nice to meet your friends, Sei!" while Sei (the indignant little tsun) huffily insists, "They're not my friends. They're just some people I know." Kai would be absolutely thrilled to know that Sei had friends (especially since Sei is pretty vocal about his opinion that "friendship is overrated"), and he would try to include them in all of their activities and basically bring them into the family. Sei would very quickly get huffy and annoyed with Kai constantly insisting "Why don't you invite your friend(s), Sei?", muttering under his breath or bitterly thinking to himself "I wish I had never told you I had friends" at least once or twice a week.

Unlike with Kai's friends meeting Sei and being thoroughly surprised, Sei's friends meeting Kai is exactly what they expected--well once they get past that initial awkwardness and aloofness from Kai being naturally shy and quiet person, that is. It is a very short-lived period of time, however, since Kai really tries to push himself to be more outgoing when meeting the friends of his brother. He likes them very much for taking such good care of Sei and befriending him, so he tries to be more openly warm and friendly towards them. He also always treats them very formally (similar to how he addresses Sara as "Sara-san" or "Miss Sara" in the game), and he actually, genuinely thanks them all for being Sei's friend (which embarrasses his brother to the point that his ears turn pink. Poor Sei).

[katyspersonal]

I am feeling so ill. My mental pain keeps translating into physical one, like something that keeps poisoning me from within, and it can last from very morning to very evening at times. I wish I stopped being reminded of the backstabbing, of how much that person has been lying to us, and how she threw away her empathy and common sense in an instant, as soon as she got enticed with the prospect to feel like a """victim""". When everything was explained and even forgiven prior.

For a Christian, she sure is a terrible one, and really should pray to her God for forgiveness. Because that's sin of vanity if I've seen one. Her sorry pro-lifer ass that can't even use they/them pronouns because it is "not correct in English" and has been following Mico herself before he deactivated must be satisfied with people around with whom she has to censor her true opinions, I suppose? She had all context, she had explanation and apology, she faked having accepted that apology too, lied about not really caring about the "drama", faked patience and lied about always welcoming me back - only to latch at the first chance to backstab me and my friends she got. And the way she conveniently ignored how I took my words back, too.. I don't know what is WRONG with people who think that when a person that has been stalked and harassed for a year lashes out upon feeling threatened - they've shown their """true face""". Nobody is more alien to normal human emotions and reactions than Americans. I guess for them you are either physically incapable of anger, fear and fucking up OR you are a vile dangerous monster.

But the real question - what did she want to ACCOMPLISH? She didn't really feel like a star and gain sympathy like a victim of the """horrible mistreatment""" that me lashing out when she defended my STALKER was - that I also TOOK BACK. From my knowledge, she kept herself anonymous. And of course instantly blocked me, because like a coward she could not answer for her lies. She also lost other friends too - one HATES liars and hypocrites more than anything, another has similar emotional problems to mine so no longer feels safe, third straight up was harassed by that person as well.. "They are still lovely people" she says. And I am not a "lovely" person, of course. Because "lovely" people just smile and shrug off being stalked, harassed and talked untrue shit about for a year, I suppose? Because "lovely" people don't become clingy for someone defending them so loud and proud?

My only theory is that she just secretly harbored hatred towards me all along but was forcing the facade of patience and understanding, until one day finally came what looked like a good justification to drop it. But then why sending me all that emotional support when I fell for suicidal road back in spring? Why write at least two essays to Alfred-chan about her right to interact with me and about how I deserved kindness and compassion? Why acting flattered when I said I loved her (platonically) when in reality she was creeped out? Why bothering to explain me how she did not blame me and always would welcome me back in the blog? Following me for a decent time and all that interacting. Was feeling like a poor victim that fell under attack of the "monster" for like 5 minutes without even revealing her name to the world and losing more likeminded people worth it? Was it worth it? How? How mad you should be at someone for getting attached more than """acceptable""" and for lashing out before learning why you'd defend someone that harassed us, that you'd resort to backstabbing and break all your prior promises? She even told me stuff like "ratting someone out is very condemned in my culture and I'd never do that". Then what DID she do, when she showed the moment of weakness I had 40 days ago, to a deranged ableist that has been condoning harassment and canceling for hell knows how long and she could tell wished me harm?

I want to ask whether it was worth it, but clearly she didn't lose anything of value. One of those "but internet connections are not REAL uwu" people.

I so badly want to say that this is my fault for trusting someone who is not only American but also a Christian, double combination of hypocrite and all you know. Because I just want to find a reason. I want to know WHY, even if the answer is something as shallow as nationality and religion. But this is just not fair to people who are one or both of these things but have common sense to not lie and not be cut throats. I guess the real reason is that some people are just too easily enticed with the chance to feel like the "good" guys, to mark category of people that do not deserve any empathy, human bonds and understanding because they are "evil and dangerous". It is just easier. You feel justified to mistreat a certain category of people because they are "bad" - all while the criteria for why they're "bad" is growing progressively absurd. But this coming from a person that preached kindness and acceptance. Yet she sided with the people that punish me FOR having shown that kindness and acceptance to someone else, and never intend to stop. Why following Mico yourself, then?

I have no skill of forgiving people that do not feel remorse, I am not that kind of a person. It just hurts until I forget or find another thing to worry about. I don't know where to turn to, what superior power to pray to for faster healing from this, because betrayal like this is the worst thing you can do to me. It is fine to refuse to forgive someone's mental breakdown, but why not tell me off in private? Why run under the skirt of the person with bad faith that only supports neurodivergence in the form of being quirky about one's special interests and not for what problems it really brings? Does she really think it is victim's fault when they develop bad trust and abandonment issues upon a creepy stalker trying to ruin their life? The cunt would've doxxed me if they could only over the fact that I said I was gonna reblog from who I want - again, something she herself kept getting harassed over. So was that okay, then? She never meant her words, then, and only flexed her "I interact with who I want" for weird flex of herself as a hero, and not for our friends group?

Well, yes. It has to be that. Until she saw an opportunity to switch sides and find a more compelling "enemy" to stand against. The final punch in the gut is that she assumes my friends are okay with the betrayal either, just goes around as though nothing happened, as though having betrayed someone and still writing them down as vile and unremorceful even after they apologised to her two times was nothing. Yeah, why? If a person failed to meet her personal mark of forgiving, tolerating and shrugging off harassment - then they deserve to be backstabbing and thrown to those cultish ableists. That's her logic.

And I just want to vent all this in a sorry effort to remind myself: "See, she is so petty and callous that she doesn't deserve crying and hurting over! People like that are below you, Kat, just forget it and move on!" But in the end, I just can't stop asking myself why. She did not feel like that type of a person. My other mutual also said it was not expected, since she had that 'wise', thoughtful exterior all along and acted as though she was trustworthy. At this rate I was right in my accusation of her being brainwashed, I guess... The only thing I was wrong is the TIME when it happens.

[claudiajcregg]

Orchid, cactus, and camellia

Thank you so much, Mariana! And apologies for taking so damn long to answer. Could have sworn I had 😳 But good thing I had saved a copy just in case. (These are terrible answers to great questions, though. I'm sorry.)

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

God, so many (whether it's coming from a more objective POV or an emotional one). First one that popped into my head was Bohemian Rhapsody, and I honestly could name a few Queen songs too (Somebody to Love is a forever fave). Others that I thought of: God Only Knows, Landslide, Hotel California, Life on Mars, Hallelujah, Yesterday. Throw some ABBA in there! And you could probably make an argument for several other songs by these artists… But I could also make an argument for more recent ones that just hit me right in the feels, too!

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?

I don't know if there's anything specific. I guess specific radio telescopes-related (software-related) stuff for work. I learned a little about Budapest's history, particularly during WW2, while on vacation there. And because of a story I've been writing, I've trying to read up on pregnancy and its different milestones.

And this is the literal take. In a more practical sense, I've been trying to learn to not care so much when it's clear someone you care(d) about doesn't really care as much about you. Doesn't mean they don't, but it's about managing that expectation.

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

I don't remember. Is it too corny to say that I am a work in progress? My essence has likely remained the same, even if I've evolved (and regressed?) in other areas. Confidence, anxiety, and other stuff has ebbed and flowed, imo, but has probably never been particularly high.

Copout answer, I know. I do always wish I had started to be able to process my trauma better years ago (preferably before college) because god, things would have been so different and maybe, I would have enjoyed things better. But part of the human experience is just making the choice you think it's best and hope it works out, right? (Which is a long-winded way of saying that I think I have changed in the last few years.)

(questions here!)

[celiastjamesoscar]

I have a few of the books but haven't read any. Also, the main reason I didn't finish the game was because I wanted to finish Horizon Zero Dawn before TLOU2 came out (and now it's been over 3 years, and I still haven't gone back to it...) I've seen all the episodes of the show though.

Saving money is always a good thing. I love trying to do that. I'm terrible at it though. I'm good for a week or so and then I make up for it by buying a lot of stuff or something expensive.

I studied Audio/Video production. I've looked at other schools to maybe see if my stuff could transfer and I could get a bachelor's degree but looking at the courses, it's literally no different than what I've already learned. The big differences come in like pop culture in media or film history and as cool as those kind of classes sound, I don't see how those should define whether I can do a job or not. I mean all my schooling was very hands on, using the cameras, filming stuff, editing. I live in the Midwest so these type of jobs aren't super common (there is a reason so many people move out to Hollywood for this stuff).

Even when looking for an internship it took me a month to hear back from someone. And the place I heard back from I accepted cause well I needed this to graduate, and the thing is the place probably shouldn't have qualified. I mean I turned on an iPad and I clicked between 2 different cameras on a computer and also clicked the correct slides to switch to. It was so basic.

Sadly, even if I hear back from the one place, I'm probably not gonna take it (it's 30 minutes/30 miles away). I didn't necessarily bad vibes from the place, but I wasn't feeling the vibes I did get so adding to the fact that it's not convenient (or paying enough) It's probably a bad idea.

The fact is I got 6 years of retail experience (from my current job) and despite using the filter and saying high school diploma and no experience I still can barely find something I qualify for. I'm literally just looking for a warehouse job... but I need a years' experience in a warehouse to scan stuff and lift boxes... (I don't work in a warehouse, but can you guess what I do at my job? scan things and lift boxes).

Ooof this got long. Sorry about that!

I haven’t heard of Audio/Video production, only in the Hollywood area though, like you said. I also live in the Midwest, and I know how hard it is to find a decent paying job with certain degrees

Commuting to work sucks, and I completely understand you not wanting to drive 30 miles, especially if they pay isn’t worth it

qualifications for jobs are so stupid with how they are set up. Especially with the way it is with you if you are already doing the same thing just in a different setting. I don’t know what all your degree does, or else I would try and offer some help. I only wish you the best of luck <3

Also, you don’t need to apologize!

[juuheizou]

hey! ^^ i really love hearing your thoughts on suzumutsu bc i feel like you understand their characters & dynamic so well, so i thought i'd ask a few random questions i've been thinking about, if u feel like sharing your thoughts on them. for one i've been wondering if animals would like/trust them bc honestly i can see both sides lol. juuzou clearly likes them and in the anime there was that cat in the zoo that liked him too but i can also see him constantly chasing after spooked stray cats... as for tooru i guess it'd depend on what we actually consider canon from whatever the hell his arc was💀 i've also been thinking about how they'd do with kids, like if they had to babysit or something lol. just awkward? terrible? surprisingly good? and finally, what do you think tooru's hobby would be? i can imagine juuzou with a bunch of different hobbies but i couldn't really think of anything for tooru... i think his character is a lot harder for me to understand than juuzou, maybe bc i'm autistic so i relate to juuzou way more lol😅 anyways sorry for this long ramble and hope u have a good day<3

NEVER apologize for sending me a long ramble about suzumutsu! I'm so flattered by the fact that you would want to hear (read? it just doesn't sound the same) me ramble about these things, and to say I do their characters and dynamic justice is probably the nicest, highest praise you could tell me about my suzumutsu ramblings, so thank you! My heart is exploding right now, and I hope I continue to do them justice with this rambling haha.

for one i've been wondering if animals would like/trust them bc honestly i can see both sides lol. juuzou clearly likes them and in the anime there was that cat in the zoo that liked him too but i can also see him constantly chasing after spooked stray cats...

That's a super valid point to bring up-- as someone who interacts with a critical mass of people who often like animals but don't know how to do right by them as my actual job, I have to admit I never even considered Suzuya being one of those people. That being said, maybe there is some bias involved because, like you, I relate really strongly to him myself, but part of why I never thought of it that way is he very easily clicks in my head as a fellow cat whisperer. Meaning someone who can even befriend the mean ones and soothe them when they're scared or hurt, with a strong intuition for when something isn't right. And I think being as blunt as he is at times, he would be the one telling people to stop chasing after spooked stray cats, probably with some vulgar word choices and his glare that can unsettle a Washuu into giving him what he wants. I do think that even though being perceptive of their subtle body language and understanding them enough for strays to let him pet them-- which he does habitually enough in :RE that some of Hanbee's last words to him in that omake where he gets sick are to please wash his hands after petting them, is intuitive, he took some trial and error to nail down the practical side of caring for animals. I have no doubt that he would have wanted a pet of his own from the day he learned that humans could not just be pets, but have them. His first was probably a stray he found and smuggled into his dorm as a teenager one day and he figured that having been one himself, he was an expert on what pets needed and how to care for them. He can't bring himself to hurt this precious little creature like Mama did with him, even as a reward, but he has the other things covered. Except he doesn't. He sneaks bits of his school meals back to it because he thinks that since that's what Mama sustained him on, all pets eat their owner's scraps. He's 16 with no job and only lunch money he pickpockets off of day students, so this cat is unvaccinated and has no veterinary care. He tries really hard to make it a warm, safe nest under his bed and the nicest collar he can make out of that he has around, but animals need more than that. It's just not a great situation, and he can tell his newly adopted stray isn't doing well but he doesn't want to let it go because he knows what no one else knows/believes yet about Tokage and for some reason he really doesn't want that fate for this cat. Within a couple of days, he finally confesses to Shinohara that he smuggled a cat into his room and now something really bad is happening with it, what does he do? He does end up having to relinquish the cat to a shelter-- he didn't fully grasp it at the time, but he never would have been able to offer it any quality of life under his bed at the Academy even if he did know how. Shinohara is there as his ride, for emotional support, and to make sure he actually does relinquish the cat. Frankly, he's shocked that Suzuya would care so much about a living thing. It break's Shinohara's heart seeing how devastated Suzuya is over losing the cat, but it also gives him an idea. He is an advocate for rehabilitating Suzuya after all, and now he's found something that can live and die and suffer and Suzuya isn't indifferent to it. It's pretty rare, since Suzuya can only leave the Academy with supervision and Shinohara is a busy investigator/teacher (my excuse for it only being a thing in my head and not in the series haha) but whenever the pieces fall into place, Suzuya gets to spend some time cleaning up after, feeding, grooming, and giving some human affection to the shelter cats, which also teaches him how to take care of them when he can one day get his own. As an adult, with that experience and his natural affinity for his feline friends, he is extremely good with them, and while I see them being his specialty, I think he's good with other animals too.

as for tooru i guess it'd depend on what we actually consider canon from whatever the hell his arc was?

OKAY everyone but anon and I, I promise I did not write this ask to myself, because anon, it is absolutely sending me how much this sounds like something I would say haha. I think the “we've known Tokage was killing animals since the original series, but what if it was Tokage AND Mutsuki now? not that it makes any pieces of anyone's story click into place or anything” thing doesn't make much sense and nothing makes me happier than compartmentalizing it straight into the garbage. Although you might think he is good at gaining their trust with how gentle and patient he is, I don't think Mutsuki is an animal lover per se and his nervousness around them makes them wary of him. I see him as a blank slate. He didn't grow up with any pets even before he became a ward of the CCG. He doesn't know much about animals, and he has a kind of respectful fear for what he doesn't know. He feels sad about and wants to help the poor animals in commercials and news stories suffering in bad conditions, and if he did have any idea about Tokage as a child (which, for this reason, I doubt) he would probably do something as reckless as getting into Torso's cab to try and help just one because that's just how he is about helping others. However, had he ever gotten the opportunity to be a good samaritan with an animal, he would have no idea how to handle the creature itself and probably be nervous to even touch it for fear that he will hurt it or it will just bite him without warning. However, once they grow close and Mutsuki starts hanging out at Suzuya's apartment, he does slowly come to like Suzuya's cats. It terrifies him when Suzuya teaches him that animals probably don't come up to him or let him pet them because they pick up on his fear. Once he realizes that he is the reason these little beasts that Suzuya adores don't like him, however, he gets really dedicated to learning as much as he can about how to win over a cat. It's actually good practice in controlling his reaction to fear, trying everything his research leads him to until finally, finally, the cats start coming to him for affection too. He's not as bad as he was before he met Suzuya, but to this day, though, he usually doesn't approach unfamiliar animals out of concern that he will bother them.

i've also been thinking about how they'd do with kids, like if they had to babysit or something lol. just awkward? terrible? surprisingly good?

Complete reversal of roles compared to animals. There are a lot of things that are great about Suzuya Juuzou, but patience, empathy, and discretion are not among those things. And those are pretty important when interacting with children. Plus, in a babysitting-type arrangement, he has a hard enough time taking care of himself on his own and believes sometimes to a fault in letting people of any age learn from making their own mistakes, so something will probably catch on fire. As if the experience wasn't already infernal enough without literal fire surrounding him and the hapless child he's been left in charge of. On the bright side, he is calm and competent in an emergency, so while his limited child-handling skills probably contributed to something being on fire or the kid getting a big scary gash across its head, he's in his element once the disaster is already happening. He'll control that bleeding head like a professional and probably distract the kid enough to get a laugh while they wait to be seen at urgent care. He'll put out that fire and teach himself how to repair the damage enough that it at least looks like it never happened. If you've ever seen the live action movie of “The Cat in the Hat,” that sums up Suzuya's skill set with kids pretty well. I also just don't see him liking or wanting to hang out with kids when he could be doing literally anything else. If someone was desperate enough to guilt and beg and annoy him into watching theirs, which if they did enough to sway Suzuya of all people, they probably deserve a hard time, I wouldn't put it past him to let the children watch a very age-inappropriate scary movie or just go through his most recent case file right before the parents came home. Not that he wants to harm the kids or blames them for the fact that he's stuck with them, but their psyche is acceptable collateral damage to him if it means their parents will never even consider him as a last resort again. Mutsuki, on the other hand, is both good with children and likes children, and he really cares about making every one he meets feel safe and loved and everything he wasn't at their age. Honestly, whenever I start scheming an AU that doesn't revolve around a certain vocation already and I need to give him a job other than ghoul investigator, teaching, counseling, and childcare are up there with my top choices for him because we know he cares deeply about helping and protecting others. Helping professions have their own unique rewards and challenges and while I think he would at least try helping anywhere he could, working with human(oid) children would have the challenges he could handle the best and the rewards that would keep him wanting to come back the most. In canonverse, if/when he has friends with kids, in addition to being good with them, we know he can be a bit of a pushover, so he would often get suckered into babysitting. Sometimes it goes so well he even questions if he really doesn't want his own kids. That said, as soon as an emergency goes down or his squeamish self ends up splattered in any bodily fluid or child-related mess, he immediately stops questioning it, and the first person he calls (second only if he has to call actual emergency services) is Suzuya. Although the latter might not be as good with children, he at least fills in the few but important strengths Mutsuki doesn't have mastered.

and finally, what do you think tooru's hobby would be? i can imagine juuzou with a bunch of different hobbies but i couldn't really think of anything for tooru... i think his character is a lot harder for me to understand than juuzou, maybe bc i'm autistic so i relate to juuzou way more lol?

It is hard, and in addition to some characters just clicking and being more relatable to certain people, I think it's also hard because he canonically gives so much time and energy and even puts himself in danger for others. I can actually see him neglecting to carve out nice things for himself, such as hobbies, in the manga. It's not just us, it's him! This is also the reason why these headcanons are, frankly, much more based on vibes than any panel, illustration, or omake I could even loosely tie them to. I think to keep from giving up on life as a whole, he needs an activity that makes him feel a glimmer of confidence, like he is good at something. Also, as much as he shies away from any eyes on him, appreciation for something he did secretly lights him up inside. Training with Suzuya is one thing that fills this need, but something that he does by himself that isn't career-related is cooking. We know from Shirazu that he can cook, but I think he also likes to. It's less about what he's cooking or who for, so much as it is that feeling of executing something with competence and having the people around him enjoy something he made so he knows it's good. Plus, it's hard to ruminate on your worries and frustrations and secrets when you're concentrating so hard on not burning something. He definitely strikes me as the type to stress-cook or stress-bake. He also strikes me as a journaler. I couldn't even begin to try justifying why with logic, but he just seems like the type. Trying to make beautiful aesthetic doodles would probably just make him think about how he's not good at drawing, but he would have a guilty pleasure for cute sticky notes, motivating stickers, nice pens, stuff like that to decorate and organize his cathartic writing about his day. Probably no one whose opinion matters would judge him for liking to make his journal look nice or thinking some little frog stickers are cute, but he feels paranoid about it and carefully hiding his journal with all his stationery and supplies and moving it to a new hiding place when he gets anxious that someone is going to find it is its own entirely separate hobby. Another reason why I think it's hard to see him with the same amount and variety of hobbies as Suzuya is I think he would find a couple of things to give him that sliver of “me time” and stick with them. Suzuya's reasons for doing a lot of what he does for fun are different from Mutsuki's, so for him, bouncing around between several things helps him keep it exciting and avoid boredom. Those things don't matter as much to Mutsuki, and what does matter to him is having something that makes him feel competent and/or helps him feel at ease, so actually diving into something new on the regular would do the opposite of fulfilling some of the things he needs in a hobby.

[nathank77]

12/17/24

4:14 p.m Added to Significantly and Kristen if you're ever here i want you to read this.

Edited/ slightly added to 4:22 p.m

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

I did abs today cause my trap still hurts. I got a chair from my sister... it's dirty and gross but I can use it for the time being. I want to get a new one and a little wooden fold up table.... so I can eat at a table in my room.

I hope my trap gets better fast. I did a lot of ab exercises and I learned how to use a new ab machine which i used instead of another bc it hurt my trap a little to pull on that one. I just did more sets on the machines that my back felt useless on and did that new machine like 5 times. It kicked my ass I love it.

I hope Thursday i can do my back and biceps bc back and bicep day has really been working for my biceps.. they are getting cut.

Someone in the ocd group said, she changes all her clothes when she comes home... bc of germs. And this is why I didn't want to join the group bc like yea germs can get on everything... I'm not going to start doing that...... but I mean.... she raised a really good point. I do change out of my gym clothes... I do change out of some of my outfits.. but I'll also wear my sweat pants out and sleep in them...

So yea. I have a really busy week. I'm running around like crazy just to stay out of the house. I really hope I can do arms Thursday and then stay home Friday and do laundry.

I loved the new ab workout. I watched some girl do it and i was OMG that's how you do it. I couldn't move it for a reason. You use your legs and lift up and omg the endorphins. I did bicycle crunches and the glute bridge. I couldn't do side bends bc of my trap...

But i got a really effective ab workout in. I got in a fight with my mother but that's normal. I yelled at her about Riley bc within 5 minutes of me getting home from the gym she wanted to let her out and i had to cook and go to a Dr's appts. I just yelled at her about overfeeding her and killing her and about abusing me bc I've been out all day and she doesn't even want to give me 5 minutes. I left to go to the gym at 8:30 a.m!! I came home at 12 and made food and left by fucking 1:50 p.m.... I'm actually only stopping home at this point to eat, poop, shower and sleep.

Anyways the dream. I actually had an incredibly detailed dream about Kristen.........

She lost her license. And I was at her old practice talking to her on the couch in the waiting room. It had turned into another business. I was crying. I felt awful that she lost her license. I felt fucking terrible that her LGBTQIA business was gone. I was trying to explain to her that i didn't really want her to lose her llicense. That all I ever wanted from her was a sincere apology. And I realize that that's what I want. I didn't ever want to actually put in a formal complaint against her but it was bc of the way she treated me in our last session. If she had said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't ask more questions. I'm sorry that I didn't catch it before it came to this. I'm sorry that now you're taunted by a constant auditory hallucination daily and I'm sorry you couldn't sleep. I'm sorry you microslept. I feel responsible bc I could have said something before it became chronic. I am truly sorry and sorry is never going to fix it but I wanted you to know i am sorry and I take my responsibility for it and there isn't much else I can say but it haunts me and if I could go back in time and change it I would."

In our last session, she said, "I'm sorry this happened to you." She pushed antipsychotics multiple times. She pushed ocd voices... which it was never ocd voices. I almost killed myself the night after our last session. I was so worried my ocd had gotten so bad that I would never recover. I obsessed over it. I felt like it was permanent and that I was never going to get better.

And in this dream. I remember crying about her losing her license. I remember her saying the words I wish she had said to me that last session. Those words would have changed everything. I would have never reported her. In my dream she said those words but it was too late. Her practice wasn't a business anymore. She was sorry, she took responsibility and she wanted me to forgive myself bc she took accountability for it.

My sub conscious was really clear. All I wanted was an apology. I don't really want her to lose her license. And I wish she would give me that apology. It was almost like a visitation dream. It was like she was going to lose her license and she wanted to say the words I've been waiting to hear that I'll never hear.

But yea. If Kristen does read my blog which i mean I wouldn't entirely doubt it. I actually don't want your license. I just want you to say sorry. I just want to look you in the eyes and hear the words. I take my responsibility for abusing cannabis but you could have saved me before it was too late. If you had said I'm hearing an auditory hallucination. I would have figured out that I was hearing it when I was high. I would have stopped smoking weed and i wouldn't be chronically suffering..

I don't talk about Kristen much anymore or think about her too much anymore... bc I did what i had to do to make peace with what her negligence caused me. But if she had said those words. I wouldn't have had to report her. I had to, to make peace with myself.

[unspokenspeakeasy]

As it is very close to being a year since we had met. To say you didn't make an impact on me couldn't be further from the truth as your influence was directly responsible for seeking a reason to live. Since July I've found so many wonderful things about myself, the ways I can better build myself up as well as habits that regularly brought myself down. I look at much of our relationship prior to residential with critical eyes, realizing how much trauma I associated with you, how unhealthy my attachment to you was, and how I can improve in the future as well as how much Ive already done to improve myself. I thank you for that. I learned how to take accountability for myself while avoiding taking accountability for others. I regret being the way I was in our relationship truly. My trauma and my pain directly affected you in ways I couldn't have ever intended. I didn't know what I was doing right and I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I let you project things onto me in a way that hurt my mental state so drastically. I did the same because I didn't know it wasn't okay. I didnt know how to change myself because I wasn't doing it for the better, I was doing it for you. I realize how focused I was on sex because I was so fixated on fixing the discomfort with it simply by desensitizing myself with doing it with someone I felt much more comfortable with. I sincerely apologize for this fixation on something that now I see as simply a bandaid keeping me from actually processing my trauma. I apologize for projecting that pain onto you. For believing you would be able to fix it when in truth. Only I can. I realize I should have taken the time to look inwards for the solution to that problem. I realize much of my experience trying and failing to heal simply comes from trying to push down the emotions I feel as opposed to letting myself be If you recall, the two times I actually truly spoke to you without that mask, when I was drunk and crying to you and when I had a breakdown at momocon, the ways in which you reacted to both of them. Truly thinking back to those moments it was the most uncensored I've ever been. The things I said when I was mid breakdown being the foundation of my current recovery. A truly genuinely healed version of me yet I was so clouded by the negative interpretations of those things I said. You said you give up and went to sleep. When I was drunk all you said about it was how funny it was and how you should have recorded it to show me. I cried because i truly let my guard down with you then. I trusted you and you simply laughed at what I had said and treated so much of it as a joke.

I hold no resentment now. But I implore you to consider the affect things like that have on someone. . I stopped saying the things on my mind after that. The barrier being so much stronger than it ever was before. I regret not speaking up then. I'm glad that our relationship was such an amazing opportunity to learn about myself and how truly reserved I am even around someone so close. I wish it wasn't just "an opportunity to learn". And I'm sorry our relationship was just that.You deserved better Than me. And I hope you don't hurt your next partner in the ways you hurt me.

You say you're a terrible person, and yet I've come so far from where I was. Someone who didn't deserve you. Someone who didn't understand themselves and understood even less their partner. You gave me so much. A Christmas that felt good to me for once in my life, a safe space to explore my alters, the support I needed to thrive in residential, the realization of self worth, a genuine look at what actually loving someone was, an enjoyment of the outdoors, so much so I have a tan now, of architecture video essays, birds. You gave me a shoulder I cried on far to often. You gave me the motivation to keep going and find my own footing. You gave me hope. You gave me strength, you showed me the beauty of the world in a way no other has ever described it to me before. You showed me so much music, you truly stood up for me when so few have ever done so. You showed me what it was like to be treated like a human being. For the first time in my life, despite its hardships, I can say I had a good summer. The first time I've ever said that about any span of time in my life. And that's because of you. Because of the influence you had on me.

You helped me find a life worth living.

And I cannot thank you enough.

It was the best of times

It was the worst of times

And I'm glad I spent it with you

My best friend

https://youtu.be/_JZIgClOr3Q?si=ZuyeXM8bcUKd-Jdj

[kth1]

Sometimes relationships aren't worth it. Your mental health is more important than anything in this world and you deserve to love yourself more than anything. You should build yourself to find happiness and learn how to love yourself, relationships will only break what you've been working hard on. Give yourself the love that you would give to someone else that was too blind to appreciate you and your love. I know you can find that path. BTS showed me how to love myself and find happiness after terrible breakups I went through and I hope you find the same path too. 💜

my dear, i know you sent this on the 10th. i am so sorry but didn't really process your words until recently. i know i wanted to respond, but it was hard at first. i do agree, sometimes relationships aren't made to be. selfishly, we do have to think of ourselves in the mix of things as well. i want to say i'm wise enough to know my worth (being here on this planet for 30 years does help me gain some wisdom) but i know i will be forever learning! and that's ok. as a tmi, i've only been in a handful of real, effort based, relationships. i also don't go around (this day and age is SCARY) and just mess with people and emotions. so when i commit, i devote. when i devote, i see potential and willing to work with that person. this is me - not everyone. and i truly understand that, even if it hurts me.

in regard to my recent relationship, he and i broke up. i don't fear saying that to the tumblr world at all. we both have things we need to work on in our own perspectives, and frankly some things aren't fully accepted with another. it happens. not one person is the same as another, no matter how much compatibility you have. it's the willingness of wanting to work on yourself, work with that person, and grow together that matters. and sometimes it's not there. sadly, on my exes behalf, he has got to a point that feelings he once felt has diminished. multiple factors cause this, and its understandable. i can think, try to understand, and hypothesis as much as i can - but none of that would matter. because we can't fully control emotions and feelings. now, i own up to my problems. my patterns of things. i can apologize sincerely and say i will work on them, which i do, but working won't completely 180 something that i am. it takes time. and same for him. he wishes those feelings were there again, he wants them back but the harder he tries the more they push away. again, we can't force things to happen in an instant. (let's also mention that ever since these problems came to the surface, he felt like the relationship felt more like a job now instead of relaxing)

so in a safe way, we are saving another from a harder hardship if we stuck together and tried and tried. where he doesn't fully know where to begin. it is ok.

so i gave you a bit of taste of my current status, i could go on for hours but it won't mean anything in the end. it could be a funk he is in and just fears stuff, it fuels him to pull away. it's possible but i can't dwell on those thoughts. i know i deserve love, and currently he cannot fulfill that. no matter how much i also wish he could feel again. only time could tell.

but coming back around, because now i wrote SO much lmao -- i agree. it is very important to love yourself. know what you want and be surrounded by things you enjoy. even if it's not as "enjoyable" at first, it can still be things you like. for example, me and giffing or writing. i enjoy them, but i've been so preoccupied and down on myself that those feel like tasks to me. (reflecting to the above statement of how our relationship begun feeling like a job) i know i enjoy those things but they don't satisfy me much currently. and this is probably the type of feeling he feels. and it's okay. i do know, deep down, i love those things but sometimes my feelings toward it fluctuate.

i will make sure to take my days, appreciate who i have and what i have, and know there is still a future ahead for me. i know focusing on myself is better for myself, and i don't need anyone to fill that besides myself. i truly appreciate you reaching out and giving me such kind, thoughtful words. and i am so sorry for going on a tangent and typing so much. i made this very "me" based and i am very sorry. i do know one day i'll find another excitement and fuels me, maybe it will be bts again haha. but -- wrapping this up -- i thank you so much for being so kind and soft with me. you are amazing, and i hope you know that! please enjoy yourself and the things in your life! it was great to hear from you <3

[cloudymonet]

It's almost 4 in the morning, I haven't slept, and I'm writing this thinking about someone that I want to desperately forget but I can't. Yes, it's you. I guess it's safe to write this since no one is going to read except me. Moreover, I'm out of your radar like I'm completely vanished from this world just like you did years ago when you left me without any explanation.

After all these years, I still demand closure. How many years is it? Eight years? And how many days did it take for you to forget me? Forget everything we ever had even if it was just for a second? I thought I managed to forget you completely and let go of everything but I lied to myself and to everyone else. If I did, I wouldn't be writing this for you.

The mixed feelings I have towards you keep haunting me for years. Do I hate you? Do I still love you? Neither of the answers is right, yet I can't explain it with words. I'm sorry that I made you sound like a bad person because I told my friends of how cruel you treated me. I talked behind you with the assumption you did the same to me. That was the first time I fell hard, in love and out of love. Oh how you crashed everything in just one night without saying a single thing. I didn't know what I did wrong to you, but judging by your reaction, I must've done something terrible. Was it because I found another women's picture in your wallet? Was it because I made you uncomfortable to make remarks about how suspicious the situation was? Was it because I stayed silent on our way back? In that case, I apologize. Something that I said must've hurt your feelings and maybe also your pride. And in just one night, you acted like we never happened. Like I never existed.

Have you ever thought about me ever since that incident? I wanted to know the truth, so I dig deeper about you. The more I try to reveal the truth, the more I get hurt. Did you remember the crazy texts I've sent to you that night? Begging you to say something to clarify what really happened between us? Did you remember how I got far just to make you say something? Did you avoid me even more because of that? I didn't realize back then what I was doing. Present me would laugh about it because I tried so hard to get your attention back not knowing the absence of your presence is a sign that you didn't wish to have anything related to me anymore. I should've known that and respect your boundaries but then again, why? I only need an explanation, that's it. I guess that was the reason why I was so mad, I acted like I went mental.

However no matter how hard you hide it, the truth will prevail itself by one way or another. I received a little information about what really happened to you that time. Some said you had a girlfriend already and you used me as your little side chick. Was it because I look way too naive in your eyes? Some said you used me as a bet, you told your friends about how proud you are to get my attention. Some said, you were suffering to the point that you have to move and happened to get your parents picked you up. I feel sorry for you. This, I don't lie. My heart ached when I found out that you were struggling because that wasn't how I know you. In my eyes, you're strong and confident. Like you will have no trouble when something gets in your way but I was wrong after all. I didn't know you very well and I was ashamed of myself. I should've been that harsh to you, I should've not pushed you to give me closure, I should've not made everything even worse for you. Even after everything, I still care about you. Is it irony or pure sympathy?

I did everything to forget you, with the help of my friends and my family. It was so unfortunate that you never know how much my family liked you, especially my late mother. They didn't say anything bad to you when they found out about it. Instead, they told me that it's normal for a relationship to just break like that. They hope I would outgrow the feeling I had for you and learn from this. About my friends, well, they kinda had bad feelings about you since the beginning but as everyone said: love is blind. I closed my eyes and listened to no one, I chose you instead. Anyway, they helped me to get up from "the grave" and cheer me up. The Instagram thing, it was their idea. I've never been a social media person. I hate Instagram, to be honest. I had once and it didn't turn out well for me because something made me uncomfortable sharing my daily life so I had to close the account and yet I made a new one because they thought I would need it. In order to forget the old one, you must get a new one, that was the plan. It wasn't right. I can't just use people like that for my own benefit. The intention wasn't pure, thus no connection would ever be made. Even after I talked to those guys, no one could even come close to you.

Years later, I got a notification that made my heart jump. You contacted me all of a sudden, I thought it would be awkward but it went well. We shared a couple of voice notes, how nice it was to hear your voice again. We even joke to each other, make fun of ourselves back then. We apologized and forgave each other. Was it done for us? No. Then, you said you wanted to visit my town since you missed it and you asked for my number. I contemplated for a moment. In the end, I pushed you and that's it. We never heard about each other again up to this day. At that time, I was afraid to fall for you again. How dangerous it was to talk to you, so I choose to close the door first this time.

Days went by with me resisting the urge to check on your social media, be it Instagram or Twitter. I wonder what you do. Then, I found a tweet between you and your friend. Let's call him A. I didn't know what the fuck just happened because how could A be interested in me when he fucking knew that we dated before (even though I'm not sure what kind of situation we were in). Something wasn't right. You said to him, to take care of me. I found it bittersweet. My delusional ass thought you still care about me but I didn't like it at all, I felt like I was being thrown away to your friend. Like saying: I'm done with her, you can have her. I thought I was fine after all these years yet I lied to myself again. I now realized there's still a tiny part of me that loves you, still. I wish I hated you, but I can't.

I know nothing about first love, or love in general. But I know that I was my happiest when you were around me. I love the way you approached me first when others only made me uncomfortable. I love how you react to my jokes that only I found it funny. I love how you responds to every shit I said no matter how ridiculous it is. I love to hear your voice when you're sleepy. I love how kind you are to me. I love how we share the same frequency. I love how we hate the same person. I love when you seek comfort in between my fingers. I love how your hands fit mine. I love the way your eyes disappear when you smile. I love the day would just get brighter just by hearing you laugh. I love how you love to eat as much as I do. I found love in every part of you and how I wish it would go different for both of us. If only I didn't say such a stupid thing that day, would we still be together?

It was the first I ever felt so loved and admired. You were the first guy I ever introduced to my family when you never did the same thing to me. You were the first guy I baked brownies for. You were the first guy I ever related to. You were the first guy I ever date. And I'm thankful for your existence. I'm thankful for those moments where you made my life more meaningful. I'm thankful we met each other. Who knows we got the chance to get close just because I forgot to bring a marker on the first day we met?

Meeting you was something that I won't regret. Thanks to you, I learned a lot. I've lost someone but I found myself again. I won't let anyone bring me down again. I won't let myself fall hard for someone, ever again. I don't know where you are now. Whether you're still alive or not. Whether you're married or not. I hope you're doing fine and find happiness in every little thing. I hope nothing and no one will ever harm you. You're loved so much more than you know, may troubles be far from your mind. I hope you're becoming someone you once wished for. I hope you know that I'll always be cheering for you.

Finally, it feels like all the pain and burdens in my chest are being lifted. May we meet again in another life and time. I don't know what we'll become, maybe I could be born again as a human and you'll be the stone I would kick. Maybe in another life, we won't hurt each other. Maybe in another life, we'd bicker about something trivial. No matter what we'd become, I'd like to meet you again. Thank you for not turning my stomach into butterflies but bringing comfort instead when you walked in my life, Brian.

[savingthrcw]

i don't actually hate you. - (they are not "enemies" but my Neria Surana (Hero of Ferelden) and Cullen, since last time she saw him he wanted her to kill the mages?)

@notyetfixed

"That is uh...that's good to hear....actually..." The man spoke softly as he looks to his feet. He really couldn't believe she was standing here in this moment. What a terrible thing he had begged her to do all those years ago. Even spending all that time on respite leave and then to be sent to the Gallows...he had never forgotten the horrible request. "I'm glad you survived...all of it...I'm just sorry it's taken this long for me to apologize." He rubs his neck in embarrassment before meeting her gaze once more. "I am, truly sorry for what I requested of you...I was a terrified boy, but that gave me no right to slaughter everyone there. Fear over magic is the true enemy. I've learned that now. The Inquisitor has helped me get through my traumas. The Lady Lavellan is a mage and she has been a blessing...so I'm glad you two can help one another."

Neria had plenty of resentment still burning inside her when it came to the concept of the Circles and specifically her own; a prison she had mistaken for a family, the humiliation of looking at the wrong person as a father figure lessened but not gone. But Cullen had never been at the receiving end of it, and she had always refused to side against all Templars by default, and it was surprisingly comforting to hear that he had changed and somewhat healed from the events of that day. It was also strange to meet someone who knew her when she was still fully dedicated to the Circle and the most obedient of students, right before being snatched away by Duncan and ditching it all.

"In your defense, for all you knew they had all been possessed beyond saving and would destroy everything, so I never blamed you for that," she pointed out softly, and then, in her more characteristically light tone, added: "And I had half a mind to set the Circle on fire myself for personal reasons, so who am I to judge in the first place. I do love so much that the Inquisitor is a mage elf lady, in this order, but that's something I'll discuss at the next diplomatic dinner." She knew even Leliana was just waiting for her to start a fight with anyone who had anything to say against either of those categories, and it was like the good old times.

Grinning up at him, she added: "I'm so glad you made it out of Kirkwall and that you are doing better. I always wished you well, regardless of the way we parted ways."