#i've been having OCD symptoms since middle school

[magnetic-dogz]

Honestly while this site can often be very hostile to people with OCD I'm glad that in turn I actually really got to learn about OCD from this site, and that I've been able to put words to feelings and thoughts I've had for years. I don't think I would've realized I had OCD had it not been for seeing people explain what it's like on Tumblr

[cringekind]

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[boinin]

Do you have any kunigami headcanons?

Hey! Thanks for the ask.

I'm one of those people that scours through canon for blorbo details to build on and develop in the fanfiction I write. So I actually don't have a huge amount of standalone headcanons for the individual characters? Beyond things like how they'd act in relationships, what they might do in the future, etc. That said, I have enough Kunigami thoughts to write a couple novels, so here goes. These are just general beliefs that could apply to Kunigami, personal to my interpretation of his character:

Kunigami is bisexual, but probably not aware of this while in Blue Lock. He finds it hard to differentiate between physical attraction and admiration when it comes to dudes. Chigiri and Barou particularly confuse him for this reason. Classic do I want to be them or be with them dilemma.

He's generally hopeless with matters of the heart. He's oblivious to peoples' crushes on him, male or female. He's turned a bunch of confessions down on the basis that he's too busy to date (aside from lack of interest). In true sports anime fashion, he has a one-track mind... it's all football under that orange cloud of hair.

Speaking of, he's considered shaving all his hair off to avoid sweat dripping into his eyes. His sisters talked him out of it—mostly because him being bald horrified them, but they used the excuse that with no hair to soak into, he'd have more sweat dripping onto his face, not less. His elder sister introduced him to the concept of an undercut while in middle school, which he's been rocking ever since.

If Isagi's team had chosen Reo after winning the 3v3, Kunigami and Chigiri together would have beaten Shidou and Igaguri without issue. Chigiri would have lifted Kunigami's spirits and deflected Shidou's taunts, helping turn things around. They'd steal Shidou despite Kunigami's serious misgivings about playing with him, then sail through to the third selection. Kunigami and Shidou don't get on during this process, but they do develop a begrudging respect. Shidou can't beat Kunigami in a fist fight, and Kunigami will acknowledge that Shidou is a phenomenal player.

The last few speculate about Kunigami having a mental health condition so I've tagged this for that and put the headcanons under a cut in case anyone isn't into reading those sort of takes about a blorbo. Also: post-s2 anime/chp 155+ manga spoilers below in case that's a problem.

At the time of Blue Lock, Kunigami has symptoms of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). It's one reason he's so dedicated to fitness and high performance. He experiences anxiety when he cannot complete his pre-decided training due to intrusive thoughts of something bad happening. While this was also the case for him before Blue Lock, it's really exacerbated by the dangling fear of getting kicked out and never getting to represent Japan nationally.

Him winning Wild Card is a by-product of his OCD traits in addition to his existing similarity to Noel Noa. Having confronted the reality of leaving Blue Lock post-2V2 loss, Kunigami saw the Wild Card as a second chance. Already used to pushing himself through punishing workouts, he performs better than his fellow WC peers.

It still does serious damage to his mental health, as the whole process validates the intrusive thoughts he'd previously been able to categorise as irrational. Now he could think, finish the next 20 reps or you'll get kicked out, without being able to contradict himself. Players are getting kicked out around him for not following Ego's insane training regimens.

Ego preys on Kunigami's thought patterns to reinforce the idea that he must forfeit his existing identity to assume Noel Noa's mindset. Kunigami internalises this so well, it extends beyond his footballing and training to his whole personality. Now, post WC, he refuses to even engage with his friends the way he used to, because something at the back of his mind will say, the old you wasn't enough, or, everything you went through will be for nothing if you go back to your old ways now.

This isn't how I characterise Kunigami in all the things I write—it's really just a stream of thought about why he's so dedicated to fitness and how he was able to succeed in Wild Card (at personal cost).

[peachie-kittie]

Okay so MASSIVE TW for talks of disturbing content.

Specifically: Implied pedophilic thoughts, suicidal ideation, political talk, race talk, mention of slurs, talks of obsessions and compulsions

For context, most of my compulsions are mental/not obvious. Same goes for my obsessions. I feel if I mentioned a lot of them in casual conversation, people would write them off as natural insecurities or overthinking.

My OCD tendencies started I believe back in middle school, when I first started questioning my sexuality and got my first proper crush. I would spend hours at a time looking up posts, blogs, quizzes about hoe to know you were queer. Bisexual vs lesbian posts. Coming out as one for a week, then the other for a next. It exasperated me and my parents, and for all the advice along the lines of "take it slow, it's okay" I couldn't get past the nagging feeling of needing to know. Not to mention my parent's secret exasperation ("how can you not know?") didn't help.

This is where it gets bad so anyone who may have experience with CSA specifically and/or similarly disturbing thoughts may want to turn away in case it may be triggering.

Long story short, around 9th/10th grade I started to develop intrusive thoughts about children. The kind that would get me put on a watch list at best, death threats at worst. However, without any real outlet, I once again took to constantly searching online, checking and re-checking (mentally), and asking a few trusted people if they thought I was a "creep"/acting strange.

It got so bad that I would actively avoid going out, tried to stay in my room at family gatherings, and was afraid of my developing sexuality for fear of getting off to the wrong thought and pegging myself as a monster. I even told my mom 2 times I needed therapy, before telling her "nevermind" less than 48 hours later. It was only after 2 calls to the suicide hotline and spraining my ankle (aka, essentially leaving myself alone in my head) did I break and finally expressed a firm NEED for therapy I didn't go back on.

I had a feeling I had ocd before asking though - my symptoms lined up super well, I had enough sense to realize that. The reason I didn't feel that way with my sexuality was - despite the immense distress - I thought it was just confusion mixing with normal low esteem (maybe depression? But I wasn't thinking ocd until I saw POCD was a thing).

I've been out of therapy for I believe half a year now? I honestly would like to go back, but for money reasons and also life reasons, I can't just yet. Thankfully, since then, THOSE thoughts have gone away for the most part. I still get em time-to-time, but am much better at dealing with them.

I currently label myself queer for a plethora of reasons - one being OCD. Everytime I try to find a more definitive label, my OCD gets squirmy, but without one I feel uncomfortable.

As for the overall/underlying issue? I've found my obsessions all stem trom this underlying insecurity of being "bad" - this is flexible, as it ranges from outright malicious to thoughtlessly impulsive to saying something ignorant.

It's not fun. My favorite thing as of late (/s) is the fact that my OCD clings to political issues, often taking the republican talking points and plays them on repeat in my head, making me break them down again and again. The only good thing to come out of this is the fact that with all my research, I've gotten decent (as decent as a young adult under 25 can be, anyway) at discerning biased from nonbiased resources. And even then, my brain doubts that, taking the stance of "Oh you're just so biased towards the left that you're unwilling to engage with the right" which. Truthn't. But okay I guess.

As for obsessions/compulsions? Most of mine are mental/not obvious, as stated before. Things I do/deal with include (in no specific order):

Watching reliable documentaries/reading "accredited" papers/blogs over and over

Constantly arguing with myself over the validity of certain ideas

Constantly being on-guard for certain thoughts; racist, queerphobic, ableist, etc etc

This is gonna seem fucked but I feel like I'm always aware of slurs?? It's annoying at best and guilt-inducing at worst to just think slurs for no reason bc one day someone said one around you (POV: you live in a red state) and now you've been thinking about it. Or smth similar.

Hyper aware of my identity. White, able-bodied, fat, (not visibly but still) queer, etc etc.

High guilt over past mistakes, even if no one got hurt/it was accidental.

Struggling with self-trust in general.

Dealing with thought crime guilt a LOT.

It presents differently now than it did back when I was having "thoughts" about kids, but like - nervous about your behavior in front of others. If you seem unsafe/prejudiced.

Hell, obsessions aren't even always over shit like this. I enjoy studying sidereal astrology (specifically the hindu branch!) as I feel it better aligns to the actual mythos. But the calculation on where it should start is debated and there are multiple calculations.

I've been stuck in equinox precession calculation hell (otherwise known as ayanamsha) for MONTHS. ACTUAL. FUCKING. MONTHS. And even before this, back when I first got into astrology, I was obsessing over how I was technically a libra instead of Scorpio (in western astrology) and just. It was a whole thing.

Once again, it boiled down to my percieved sense of self being wrong. Something I don't handle well, haha.

There's no real way to end this. I just hope this helped! Apologies for the long-ass post.

Okay, weird thing to put here perhaps - but this blog ironically feels safer then my main, not to mention more reach.

But! If you have any experience with having OCD, can you reblog with your experiences and how you realized you may have it? Especially if you have what some may consider non-typical experiences of the disorder.

I’m not asking out of a sense of weird curiosity, I’m sorta comparing and contrasting so I might be able to discuss something with my therapist.

[malewifemammon]

oh yeah baby kam's peter post made me want to share some of my own thoughts abt him (but also i didn't wanna tack em on in a reblog bc my thoughts r very related to Personal Stuff About Me and i didn't want to make their post my storytime i guess haha)

cw for mentions of sexual harassment/assault under the cut, as well as discussion of germophobia and ocd! also uh maybe some peter hate so if u don't wanna read that don't open the post! and have a nice day ^_^

so like i'm definitely not the type of person to say that nobody should ever like characters who do bad things, or that unhealthy relationships should Never be portrayed in art. so if you like peter or his dynamic with alice, please don't take this as me saying you shouldn't do that.

but like i've been into this series since i was about twelve or maybe even eleven? (long hours largely unsupervised with my best friend at the local library waiting for my mom to finish work) and while i definitely didn't understand healthy relationship dynamics all that much, i still took issue with peter forcing a kiss on alice from the get-go. i'll be honest, that along with his attitude towards her made me hate him right off the bat. these days i definitely think he has interesting and/or comedic potential in some situations, but that particular side of him still freaks me out. obviously. he was my least favorite of alice's potential interests (besides the twins).

BUT something kam brought up in their post kind of clicked with me.

around middle school, i started developing symptoms of ocd (i think triggered by a lot of stressful life events happening in quick and intense succession on top of the usual chaos of middle school). eventually it got on to be actual ocd, which i still deal with to this day. and my biggest trigger has been germs/uncleanliness. i didn't used to have this obsession with contamination, so i'm pretty sure i didn't have it when i first got into nkna. but as time went on i saw more and more of myself in that aspect of peter.

i really didn't want to, since i disliked him so much (not to mention how often ocd or similar traits are either played for jokes in most media or given to eccentric villain types to make them seem more Weird™). but over time it got harder to ignore.

kam brings up that bc of his germophobia, peter doesn't really have much experience in the way of romantic/sexual interactions. and it made me think of myself.

because aside from my tendency to not be able to interact with others all that well, my cleanliness ocd is a big stumbling block in the way of physical intimacy, of ANY kind, but especially romantic/sexual since that tends to be more... involved. and there's the screenshot of peter telling alice smth about how he doesn't mind Her Germs specifically, which is probably something i've said almost word for word to my own partner. they were my first for a lot of things, both because of my anxiety but also because of the germ thing. (side note i love them very much they're so cool and good about My Tendencies lol) and it can be really weird to be in a relationship with someone who has a lot more experience than you sometimes, because it can be easy to worry that you're somehow letting them down (not that i get the sense alice gets out all that much either, but still). but i also know the overwhelming joy and relief that comes with finding someone whose germs you don't mind.

AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY haha because i still don't really like peter! i think it's funny to bully him but also sometimes he does genuinely anger me. and it's been an odd experience to feel myself become more like him in this very specific way over the years, to relate to some of his fears and such. not to mention, i don't remember his germophobia being played as a joke all that much?

i mean there probably are moments where it is, i wouldn't be surprised, but comparing the way he's treated as opposed to, say, death the kid from soul eater... it feels different. [i could make a whole other post about my feelings on kid but i digress]

he's just a character that i personally have a lot of really complex feelings about, because on the one hand he can be a total scumbag who i hate, but on the other hand he seems to encapsulate certain struggles i've dealt with that i don't see illustrated in media very often. he's really important to me but also i want to kick the shit out of him ^_^

anyway. i don't think i really had A Point to all of this, just wanted to jot down some of my own ideas on him ig

[uncloseted]

idk how to word this without sounding insensitive but do you think adhd is the new 'it' thing to have? Online has exploded with talk about adhd and thats a good thing!! but now im also seeing adhd suffers begging others to not claim they have adhd cause they tick a few of the boxes. It reminds me of back when it was 'cool' to have ocd when really some claiming to have it had no idea how bad ocd really is. It feels like whenever awarness of something occurs some people take it as a trendy thing

Thank you for asking this question! It's actually something I've been thinking about a lot and that I've been wanting to talk about for a while. I think ADHD has definitely had an increase in attention lately, but I don't think it's because it's "trendy".

I think the biggest reason we're seeing more people talk about ADHD is that for the first time, women and people of color are seeing their experiences reflected and are realizing that they may have fallen through the cracks all these years. For a long time, the way we (both as a culture and in the medical community) conceptualized ADHD was in terms of the behaviors of white boys. What I mean by that is that the DSM-IV's criteria for ADHD (in use until 2013) was focused on symptoms most commonly seen in white boys- hyperactivity and impulsivity. Because of that criteria, the kids typically referred for ADHD assessment, especially in the 90s and early 2000s, were hyperactive boys who were disruptive in class. As a result, people with (what we now call) inattentive-type ADHD weren't being diagnosed.

Women are significantly more likely to have inattentive-type ADHD than they are to have hyperactive-type ADHD. A full 92% of ADHD diagnoses in women are inattentive-type. So for years, women have been less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD, even though it's thought that there actually isn't a gender difference in terms of who has ADHD. Inattentive-type ADHD also presents in a less "disruptive" way- it presents with symptoms including being easily distracted, forgetful, daydreaming, disorganization, poor concentration, and difficulty completing tasks- so it's less likely to result in a referral for neuropsych testing than hyperactive-type ADHD is. People with inattentive-type ADHD may develop perfectionism as a coping mechanism, leading to another problem when trying to get an accurate diagnosis, since some medical professionals incorrectly believe that a person cannot have ADHD if they're successful (particularly at school). In the interest of transparency, this was my experience. I was identified as having "executive functioning difficulties" from a young age, but because I was born in ✨the Nineties✨, was female, doing well at school, and not a disruption, I wasn't actually offered any help for those symptoms. I only got an "official" ADHD diagnosis a few years ago, and starting treatment absolutely changed my life.

Race and socioeconomic status are also reasons why people may not have been diagnosed until recently. Asian, Black, and Hispanic children are significantly less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD compared with white children and are less likely to receive treatment than white children, even though some studies suggest that Black children have ADHD at higher rates than their white counterparts. Kids who are POC are more likely to be labeled as a "bad kid" or "defiant" for hyperactive behavior instead of being referred for testing. This is a huge problem, because untreated hyperactive behavior can lead to school suspension or expulsion, which in turn is associated with becoming involved in the juvenile justice system. Some studies estimate that 40 percent of prison inmates in the U.S. have untreated ADHD. All of these factors are complicated by the misconception that ADHD is generally over-diagnosed and that people are "faking it" to get access to stimulant medications or extra time on tests. This may be true among a certain population (middle and upper middle class hyperactive white boys), but it isn't true overall.

So I think that's a large part of what's going on. People who had previously fallen through the cracks are now seeing people who look like them talking about experiences that they relate to and are realizing that they may need to be assessed as well. I think the other culprit here is actually COVID. We're still learning what the long term neurological effects of COVID are, but a lot of people (about 33%) who have had COVID are reporting neurological symptoms. The most common complaint is "brain fog", a collection of symptoms that include difficulty multitasking, paying attention, understanding conversations and recalling memories. Pandemic related stress is also causing "brain fog", even in people who haven't had COVID. Are you seeing where I'm going here? "Brain fog" symptoms can look similar to symptoms of inattentive-ADHD to people who aren't medical professionals. "Displays poor listening skills", "loses and/or misplaces items needed to complete activities or tasks," "sidetracked by external or unimportant stimuli," "forgets daily activities," "diminished attention span," "fails to focus on details and/or makes thoughtless mistakes in schoolwork or assignments" are all symptoms of inattentive-ADHD, but they do genuinely resemble the type of "brain fog" people have been reporting in the past couple of years. If you're someone who's not aware of what "brain fog" is and TikTok starts feeding you content about ADHD, it makes sense why you might think ADHD would be the culprit of your symptoms.

Finally, I think some of it is just misinformation. All ADHD symptoms are relatable to most people some of the time. Everyone occasionally walks into a room and forgets what they're there for, or loses their keys, or procrastinates the things they need to do. The difference is that in people with ADHD, these things happen constantly and the symptoms are interfering with their ability to live their lives. For people who make ADHD content online, this seems obvious, and so they don't think to make a disclaimer about how these symptoms may be the result of something else or normal in moderation. But for the people seeing these videos who don't have that context, they may think, "oh! I experience that symptom, so I must also have ADHD."

All of that said, misinformation online and self-diagnosis is a real problem. If ADHD isn't the issue a person is dealing with, they run the risk of ignoring a more serious problem or being unable to find treatments and coping mechanisms that help them. And when there's an upswing of diagnoses, regardless of the reason, people who have that diagnosis risk being taken less seriously, being denied treatment, and being labeled as a "trend-follower", even if they were diagnosed before the upswing began. It's already difficult to get prescriptions for ADHD medication filled, so I understand the concern that an influx of newly diagnosed individuals will make that process even more difficult or that laws will be passed to add increased restrictions. And people who have diagnosed themselves but are speaking on their experiences with a medical condition run the risk of spreading misinformation online, leading to more people misdiagnosing themselves. But ultimately, I don't think what's causing this phenomenon is people trying to be trendy; it's just people trying to understand their own neurological situation and figure out what can be done to treat it.

[meta-squash]

Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating),  difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

 Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

[vishnya-azraq]

Even with diagnosed anxiety this isn't even taken seriously.

I have basically all the symptoms, from the less apparent to the most obvious. It's been like that since so long I can't remember not being like that. I just know I've been diagnosed when I was 10. I have panic attacks, my heart beat is so fast I can feel it (which is also due to heart issues, boom, 120 bpm when I'm doing nothing), the list can go on.

But even with that, it was just multiple reasons kids liked to make fun of me, destroyed my life in middle school, destroyed my life in general because it made the illness even worse (as if having a constant pressure and emotional abuse from my dad wasn't enough). Anxiety wasn't enough, I had to get depression, social phobia, OCD... Even with that, I was just "making a scene" "doing it for attention" "overreacting" or just "using it as an excuse". I couldn't even bring myself to study this year, because I was scared of this. Because I was tired that every year I would hear the same fucking sentences to then just being told to "get over it".

I hate the fact that mental illness, which is far from rare, isn't even taken seriously when ignoring it can destroy people's lives. It costs nothing to listen to them, to talk to them, and it would help, actually. Saying to someone with anxiety and/or depression to just "think positive" is like saying to someone who just got their arm cut off to stop bleeding. It does nothing except making us think our pain is stupid and not real.

I'm glad I have friends I can talk to now, because before that it was a living hell. Now it's still hell but with hope to get out of it, because I can tell someone when I'm scared of something, to get it off my mind. It don't always do it because I'm still a little scared of talking about it but it's better.

I could go on and make an even longer post about this, but holy shit I'm just tired.

Just. Take mental illness seriously, please.

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