#i've been avoiding writing this post because i've kept hoping i could find a pharmacy

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

going through a really difficult time right now, because the texas pharmacy chain that has been reliably filling my opioid prescription for years suddenly decided they would no longer accept prescriptions from my doctor because she isn't a pain specialist.

they did not give any of her patients any warning about this, only informed us when we called to refill that they couldn't fill the prescription.

(she's a well-respected internist and addiction specialist who handles a lot of chronic pain patients, she's furious and organizing a lawsuit against them for patient abandonment and slander, as they falsely claimed she'd had her licensed revoked.)

that was a week ago, and i cannot find any fucking pharmacy that will accept an opioid prescription from someone who isn't a pain specialist, and in fact, many of them refuse to carry opioids at all. i'm trying to get an appointment with a pain specialist, but it's not as if you can stroll into a doctor's office whenever you like. i have no fucking idea how long it will take me to get seen, or if they'll even give me a prescription at all.

daily opioids are the only tether i have to any quality of life whatsoever. i have serious fibromyalgia on top of half a dozen other serious diagnoses, and as a result i am in pain every minute of every day. over the counter medications are a fucking joke at treating this kind of pain, and i cannot get out of bed without pain relief. i can't sleep, i can't shower, i can't cook for myself, i can't do anything but think about the pain.

i understand that for a lot of these pharmacists, the decision is made above their head and there's nothing they can do. but i can't explain the depth of rage i feel towards the pharmacists who condescendingly tell me they're "not comfortable" filling my prescription. it is not your fucking job to decide what medication a person should or shouldn't receive; that's what doctors are for. it is deeply fucking dehumanizing to have to beg complete strangers to care about your quality of life, and have to do so in a calm, polite way so they don't flag you in the system.

i have a few pills left, and i'm stretching them out as far as i can without going into withdrawal or losing my mind completely because i have no idea how long this will last. i'm genuinely looking at drinking as my only available option to cope, which makes me want to fucking scream.

this isn't about what's best for patients, it's not about preventing addiction. it's just about not getting sued, and the corporations don't give a fuck if we end up killing ourselves directly or indirectly as a result.