#i've abbreviated a lot of my life because of holes in my memory and not needing more scrutiny

[jimmythejiver]

@softness-and-shattering

Okay so... I used to be a crayon collector as one of the few expenses I had as a kid besides ponybeads for crafting that wasn't taking paper and tape to make paper dolls and boxes and scraps to make dioramas. That was when I lived with my parents and was struggling middle class. At some point my older brother went to college and I inherited his prismacolor collection from highschool. In highschool I'd supplement this collection with stolen stubs from art class that was thrown in a general tub for class projects. Most of the colors were reds, black, white, peach and brown tones, but I got a lilac and an imperial violet that you could never find in stores without buying a complete set again. I cherished those and still have them, here they are with a parma violet from bro's old set I widdled down over time in twenty years:

Every so often I'd be lucky to replace a pencil here and there, but the prices would jump up. Recessions and living check to rent moving out of parents meant no major set replacements for years. I made do, used my pencils in a way where I'd have to cycle through other colors to not rely on favorite tones too much. I'd wonder why none ever showed up at thrift stores like cheap color pencils and crayons tend to. I even stopped drawing for years because of the pressure of surviving tbh. I focused on learning to write and set down my visual ability because I just don't have a grasp at anatomy and the three dimension anyway and landscapes do use up a lot of color.

Eventually my brother was burned out, he was harrassed by our boss who tried to pit us against each other and legal stuff I don't want to get into here. We ended up back home at my parents to fight this asshole and retreat because our rent landlord also became unbearable, which is another story for another time. Back home my disability income didn't go up much and it went into paying expenses and no rainy day saving or escape money was possible and I ended up Pop's unpaid laborer when it came to home improvement crap. Brother tried to make other jobs work after losing his ten year stable job to work with asshole who preyed upon us, but couldn't keep them for various reasons on top of managing a toxic family life. He published a book (it started as a way to encourage me to go write when I was sitting at home wasting away between soul sucking house repairs) and did some editor freelancing afterwards. Needless to say one by one members of my family die, my mom in 2016, my oldest brother (who I haven't gotten into because he's why I left my family in the first place as soon as I could at 18) in 2020, my father (Pop) in 2023 and that is just immediate family, though my extended relatives aren't going to step in unless I denounce and detransition either. My future is uncertain.

My grandma can't take me in long without violating her rent conditions and she hides our cat among her own and hopes the other tenants make no fuss, my surviving brother is now in an estate dispute with my sister (another reason I needed to leave my family) who had brought a bunch of friends (more like people she thinks she can ingratiate to do things for her but are looking to rip her off), into father's house where they robbed whatever they could carry and stowaway and proceeded to trash the house... We never evict sister, but brother has to play bad guy to get her to get them out. There's a longer story in getting it put up for sale while we fix father's money pit he left us. The sale pays off what Pop owed on the remortgage and getting money pit some actual work put into it, but it's gutted with no floors, heating or and drywall everywhere and winter is fats approaching...

Meanwhile our surviving stuff was either incorporated into grandma's apartment or sitting unsecure on moneypit property. My prisma's and clay were at grandma's where I could occasionally have downtime to draw landscapes or character design for a book I'm too stressed to write on a laptop I can't access often. It is at this point my long distance boyfriend and cowriter on a long-winded fanfiction series and I couldn't maintain constant contact and we've not really been able to fix that since unfortunately. I have this phone prepaid a year in advanced to go crazy watching the news or some bullshit discourse on tumblr. I can see I'm going crazy, even my friend halfway around the world politely calls me out. My situation makes me wallow further in everyone else's I can't change, like a distraction because if I dare admit I'm living in chaos then I'd have to answer for myself and now I can't answer for myself why I can't help anyone else and the vicious circle.

One of the bleak things of existing without a consistent roof over your head is constantly 'shopping' to be somewhere because loitering is discouraged. Who can shop when you have no where to put your stuff? I'm often at the craft stores (Michael's and Joanne's but never Hobby Lobby fuck them), usually as an excuse to pick up yarn for my grandma, maybe I can replace a pencil here and there now that some money is coming in that isn't going towards the pit, my collection is over twenty years old and widdled down. I notice they never restock lilac and lavender, it is driving me crazy. All the sudden they stock amethyst and orchid, wtf? I go online to find out they discontinued them in 2022 because whatever they used to make the pigment they no longer have access too. I do however go down a rabbit hole of prismacolor's history, from being manufactured in the United States, to Berol in United Kingdom to Canada when I was growing up (where my old Sanford set comes from) to now being manufactured in Mexico under Newell. I find that there are plenty of discontinued colors through the years since it debuted in the 30s, but nobody has a definitive list or dates, just missing numbers, as each color has one. Also the quality has gotten more breakable over time which I can attest to. Also people at thrift stores purportedly throw them out unlike crayons which explains why I never see them in my hunts. Thanks... I'd have loved the stubs y'all. I use those!

Which brings me to last spring, we had gotten the final floors installed. Family friend who was helping with the moneypit comes back from vacation, undermines our plans to move grandma's furniture in. Grandma already put in her notice to move in with us. Friend's wife starts a huge fight. It comes out that this whole collaborative project was some game of chicken where they hoped we'd sink so much money in we'd panic and sell the house to them. They ghost. House isn't done, but is livable.

Meanwhile I've been on the search for lilac pencils (had to let lavender go because I at least have an intact one from before discontinuation) on ebay and etsy to no avail, overcharged or old pictures on new listing, color not guaranteed. I try alternative markets like mercari and other places, one of them is a website for dollmaking, where you can buy supplies and parts to make dolls. They have a lilac listing, we e-mail them, they can send it. We try another place, they get back to us in a rant about the discontinuation and being a small business being fucked over, etc. We get another e-mail back from a kid's art supply store, but we don't get back to them soon enough unfortunately because an overstock website claims to have 26 lilac pencils! We shoot our shot.

This all happens as we wait and wait to move ours and grandma's stuff into new place. I'm now the owner of 27 lilac prisma pencils:

Postscript:

In my research on Mexican manufacturing of prismacolor I find out that not only do they make the Premier that I buy and the Scholar (think similar to Crayola branded color pencils in terms of quality, I have some random ones), but they have a midgrade set they don't import us called Juniors for kids who want nicer but affordable pencils and they have a color called Lavanda and I found import listing on Amazon, but I don't buy them. Months later I am at an Ollie's over a county away and find these:

[suffering-with-fiery]

Rune translations and Bottom theories (I did my best!) (: It's long! I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG!!!! You've been warned. (Potential TWs below the cut) yeah Hyoga doesn't have a good time here.

I should probably start calling Hyoga "Hyouga" instead since I'm pretty sure it's spelled with a 'U'... but I probably won't. Apologies.

Bottom English translation by Tackmyn Y! (I can't speak Japanese, again, apologies, though I was able to make my own version of Autophagy)

Potential TWs (I dont want to harm anyone by going on this rant): Autophagy (medical terms), nightmares, demons tormenting a guy, Hyoga being unhealthy in more ways than one, mentions of death/murder, self esteem issues, mentions of destructive behavior, manipulation, violence.

Yeah, my boy Hyoga ain't having a good time in this theory.

I feel the need to clarify that this is all speculation. So uh. Everything here is just what I've been thinking about since I hopped into this rabbit hole.

Sinfan (I'm not sure what order they go in, it's quite hard to tell):

["Death"

"I"

"Revive"

"Spirit"

"I"

"Something with shape"]

I'm not fully sure what "something with shape" means, but there's a possibility that Sinfan could be referring to Hyoga, (a doll/wax figure) or maybe that Sinfan needs something with a shape to be able to exist. Sinfan could need a vessel to stay on the mortal plain and go undetected while staying alive.

Sinfan needs a vessel. And with that thought, it launches into indecipherable theory crafting.

Hyoga summoned Sinfan when he was 12 years old. Thinking he found a vessel, he called upon Pabometh, another grey demon, to help torment Hyoga so the two could get their wish.

Hyoga, at the time, is young, dumb and susceptible to manipulation, meaning it could be easy for Sinfan to grasp the situation with an iron grip which follows Hyoga into adulthood.

"Revival" could also be referring to "Rebirth," symbolized by a butterfly. It could also mean that Sinfan/Pabo has the powers to revive people. Maybe as a last resort if they need it.

In Hiiragi Kirai's album trailer on Youtube, Hyoga shows up in a scene with 'D' and 'B' in calligraphy on each cheek. They could mean "Death" and "Birth" respectively.

Lines from Autophagy:

"I just wants a peaceful life." Likely means Hyoga wants the demons gone so he can live how he wants to. (Who wouldn't?)

"The voice inside my head? Huh... how odd." Also implies that the demons are still with him.

"My body pulses, memories from my past bringing pain." Means that in Autophagy, Hyoga remembers his past, but it hurts him.

""You can't avoid it in life, so it's best to just deal with it." You say, but you dont seem bothered." Is most likely Sinfan talking to Hyoga. It could also mean that Hyoga can't avoid the demons, so he should just deal with it.

"I can't stop now, so pretend nothing happened!" Could be Hyoga trying to ignore the demons, or maybe he did something he shouldn't have. (Always knew those were prison tattoos...)

"I want to wash my skull out! I want to say bye bye! But yet I didn't do it..." Could mean that the demons are still with him in Autophagy and likely still tormenting him.

"I won't stop, I can't look back." Might mean Hyoga is trying to move on, but with the demons still in his head, he can't, so the "Let me forget!" after the instrument solo might be him wishing that he never remembered in the first place and trying to get the demons to take them away again.

"Just stay away from me!" Could be Hyoga distancing himself from everyone he knows, or trying to get the demons to go away.

"Hello! HAHAHAHA Hello! HAHAHAHAHA!" Might be Hyoga as he slowly loses his remaining sanity due to constant tormenting and pressure from the demons.

"A A A A- 'Allo/Allow/Arrow" could all imply different things, so I'll give a short on all of them.

"'Allo!" Is just an abbreviation of "Hello."

"Arrow!" -According to a quick google search- is a common symbolism for peace and philosophical ideas, and used for protection and hunting. It could mean that Hyoga just wants peace and quiet, which is enforced by "I just want a peaceful life." in the beginning.

"Allow!" Could mean that the demons are trying even harder to bend him to their will and take him over as a vessel. They want Hyoga to allow them to posses him so they can do whatever they please.

Pabo only has 2 that I can see:

["Nightmare"

"Save (?)ime"]

It might be "time" but I couldn't make out the rune symbol there.

"Nightmare" hardens my thought that Bottom is just a massive nightmare set up by the demons to torment Hyoga, that the song is sung from the perspective of one of the demons (likely Pabo), and that Young Hyoga(tm) in the video is Pabometh playing the part of his repressed/forgotten memories.

This is all assuming the song is, infact, sung by the demons.

Lines from Bottom:

"You're keeping me alive! Today, today, you're killing me!" Could go both ways (Pabo/Sinfan and Hyoga) For Pabo it could just be another variation of the next line I'm about to talk about.

For Hyoga it could mean that he wouldn't be able to function if he didn't have the demons (Sinfan might posses him to make him fit in so nobody notices, keep him from dying from mortal wounds, and he's lived with them so long he might not know what to do without them), but with them he's slowly tearing himself apart from the inside out due to their constant tormenting. Metaphorically or literally is anyone's guess at the moment.

"Autophagy" (his songs name) is a medical term for "self eat" which normally happens when your body is starved, so it eats it's own cells to survive as long as it can. It can also correlate to certain diseases. Autophagy in these terms might also be referring to emotions. It's possible he's been stewing in any sort of negative emotions to cause such effects. (I.E: Guilt, fear, self worth issues,) which could make his resolve weaker, making it easier for Pabo and Sinfan to torment him/possess him. The longer it goes on, the closer he could be to self destructing.

"A wax figure/a doll is keeping me alive/killing me." Is more related to the demons in my eyes. "Wax figure/a doll" is likely referring to Hyoga. Hyoga could be their only tie to the mortal realm, (Sinfan being more prominent because he was summoned first, and by Hyoga himself.)

It could also mean that they need to inhabit his mind/body in order to survive and make it easier to torment Hyoga. If they both are in Hyoga's mind 24/7 while he suffers from nightmares (which cause lack of sleep, keeping his body in a perpetually weak state), no self worth, and a fragile mental state ("I wanna keep you out of my fragile mind!") while he tears himself apart, it would mean it would be harder to stay with him without something happening.

Due to that, it's likely that the very thing keeping them alive and in the mortal realm is also killing them at the same time.

It may be worth mentioning that a line in Bottom is "You think you're a god to me?" while 9lore translated Rinen's (Möbius') tattoo on his chest, which reads "Be still and know that I am god." It could a a coincidence, but I thought I'd mention it just in case (:

Throughout the entire song the demons are mocking and belittling Hyoga. (I.E: "Defying all logic, you're nothing but evil." "You're so stupid! You scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!") Most of the angry rant type of thing happens when Young Hyoga (tm) is on-screen. (It could be a tactic to make Hyoga not want to remember/manipulate his memories/tear down his resolve even more/or just plain upset him.)

"I mean, who, who, who are you?" It's been made clear that for the longest time (according to WOOMA) Hyoga didn't even remember his own name. "Who are you?" might be Pabo trying to get into Hyoga's head and make him question his own sanity.

"What the hell are you to me?" Implies that Pabo also want Hyoga to question why Pabo is here. Sinfan was summoned by Hyoga, but Pabometh was likely summoned by Sinfan to help tear down Hyoga. That means the two don't have much history, and Hyoga most likely doesn't know why Pabo is here for awhile.

It's "you to me" instead of "me to you" so Pabo could also be trying to get Hyoga to try and notice him in a positive way so that the nightmares stop. I'll expand on that some more a few (a lot) of paragraphs down.

"Inside my heart is- such a rage! Such a rage! So I'll grab you, grasp you, and crush you flat!" Is a line I find interesting. It also leads directing into another line; "The symptom of the unforgettable emotion is my burning intent to murder, which is absolutely right." Pabo would likely be talking about Hyoga, which implies that if he could, Pabo would murder Hyoga himself, but since the "wax figure" is needed to keep both him and his accomplice, Sinfan, alive, he can't.

It also implies that Pabo is extremely angry with Hyoga, for a reason I can't particularly pinpoint, except maybe for the fact that Hyoga's becoming more and more unstable and not safe for Pabo and Sinfan. The only problem is, it's Pabo and Sinfans fault he's like that. They're the ones that chose Hyoga as a vessel while simultaneously destroying him.

However, it's possible that Pabo's aim was to devoid Hyoga of anything and everything, (I.E: memories, emotions, etc. etc.) so that he was just that: a vessel. But with Hyoga being so destructive to himself, the whole plan could have gone awry and Pabo's only thought was how furious he was at Hyoga for messing up his chance to be in the mortal realm undetected for good, meaning he wishes he could destroy Hyoga and just get it over with so him and Sinfan could wait until someone else summoned them so they could take advantage of that.

""How deplorable you are! How deplorable you are!"" Is a line that has a chance of Hyoga himself having said it due to it having quotes on it. It also implies that he he could be fighting back, so his resolve might not crushed completely. However, a show of strength like that would likely just enrage Pabometh even more than he already is. It also doesn't help the positive impression he wants Pabo to have of him.

"You're involving yourself with me again like a clingy, clingy neighbor!" Sounds like Pabo, again, insulting Hyoga. If we go off of another part of this fever dream I've cooked up, (Hyoga not knowing what to do without the demons, but with them destroying himself), sounds like Pabo doesn't want to be with Hyoga anymore, going as far as hating him so much he's festering in it.

The "again" makes it sound like Hyoga's tried to communicate with them more than once, being unsuccessful each time. Hyoga could be trying to latch onto them, either to take them down with him or trying to get the nightmares to stop. Like I said, for a while Hyoga could have been trying to get positive attention and make Pabo like him.

"The low-end is going to manipulate me." Could be Pabo addressing that he knows what Hyoga was trying to do and calling him out for it.

"Brimming with momentary anger, rot away quickly, quickly, quickly!" Again, Pabo is talking about his burning hatred for Hyoga.

"I'm always losing! How, how dare you!" Implies that even with all the nightmares and torment, Hyoga has just enough willpower to keep Pabo from getting his wish, angering him even more.

And finally, a line from Autophagy:

"Oh, rise seeds of evil, bursting with malice!" Might be Hyoga finally giving into the demons and becoming their vessel if they take away his painful memories and stop hurting him.

Pentagram:

["-r Guide(A) N(?)E A(?)R"

"The ability to know wh-"

"Grant me the power to be strong in spirit-"

"Grant me the wisdom to understand-"]

With it over Pabo, it's possible that this was the one that summoned Pabo instead of Sinfan, although with it also under Hyoga, it could be Sinfan's. Who knows, it might also be boths.

In the ending scene with the pentagram, the colors of the other songs are visible, meaning that it's possible all of them are connected.

(I could go on for hours about the small loopholes that I think mean all the songs are connected in specific ways. Either way I know they're all from the same universe.)

With all their colors on it, it might mean they all have a demon of their own.

I'm still working slightly on the pentagram, I'll probably keep ya updated if I can find out what the rest of it says (:

If anyone can find the full version (preferably readable) of the pentagram, that'd be lovely (if it even exists)

(If you find more runes in "Bottom" or another Hiiragi song I'd be happy to see if I can translate it (: I'm not very good though, and I can't speak Japanese-)

English translation of Bottom used by: Tackmyn Y (I don't know where you are but you're a lifesaver)

Find any spelling errors, let me know! I'll see if I can fix 'em (:

If you read this far, what're you doing??

Have an absolutely amazing day!!! <3