#i'm writing up a reflection of the month/experience that'll probably go up later today

[overdevelopedglasses]

Tojoctober Day 31 - Fly

(I follow the path I’ve chosen, searching in the endless night)

Alt title is from “Dreamcatcher” by Starset

Kiryu reflects.

(Spoilers. Just, spoilers.)

—---------------------------------------------

Is this the first time I’m choosing to stand as an obstacle?

I’ve been one before, out of obligation. I’ve been the insurmountable wall that koi have chosen to climb, and I’ve seen so many fall from a height unimaginable to myself. The role of legend was shoved upon me, and all I could do was accept and eventually embrace it. There was ever only one dragon, even when others rose to challenge it.

The path I’d chosen, one that’s flirted with death so many times, and has even made itself unrecognizable. Is this where it all leads to? Am I doomed to throw myself into the fire over and over until there’s nothing left? Am I destined to protect dreams but not dream for myself? 

Even being in prison for a quarter of my life barely deprived me of myself. First for selflessness, then for duty, I expected my agent life to be much of the same. A necessity to keep those I love safe. My family, as piecemeal as it is at times, can survive without me. They have before.

But I didn’t expect to feel so alone in my sacrifice.

I begin to sweat. Looking down, I adjust the cuffs of my sleeves, the all too familiar maroon peeking out from the sea of gray.

I never thought I’d don this suit again. The red and gray that I chose long ago to be my battle armor, taunted to wear for the rest of my life. While I proved him wrong, this suit is synonymous with my identity. When I threw my name into the fire years ago, naturally the suit went with it. To the world, Kazuma Kiryu is just a figure of legend.

Or so I thought.

I should’ve known that I can’t escape the ghosts of my past.

Throughout my time with the clan, I’ve seen past actions bite people in the ass. Sometimes they’re life lessons, sometimes it’s their demise. We always learn from the past, then use the present moment to define the next past. When we choose to cease hiding in the shadows, the figures of our past will be there to meet us.

I can still picture everyone's faces from the day the Fourth Chairman reemerged.

Watase, looking smug as ever, unwavering from the threats posed to him.

The legends of my past life, eyes shining with shock and hope.

The legends of the future, confused but allowing new adrenaline to soar through them.

The man whom I have no right to call my son, staring at me with the most warmth I’ve ever seen from him. His voice is the one that plays in my head, over and over. His words still sound like a dream.

And then… There's that one. 

Maybe it’s his eyes. Or the way he carries himself. Or that design that echoes his essence. Or where I almost saw him walk, mere hours ago. There are many facets to that man, and I’m not one to normally make quick assumptions.

However, their resemblance is uncanny. If I close my eyes, I can hear the echoes of his laugh, like a ghost sending shivers throughout my psyche. 

Maybe that’s why I’m here, edging so close to the disobedience of direct rules and orders.

I’m not going to let another man sink into the depths of that darkness. Not when I’m around to prevent it.

Opening my eyes, unaware that I had shut them to begin with, I hear the door open with a squeak, as pairs of footsteps follow. I look down at my watch, and take one last deep breath. I don’t need to turn around to know who’s there.

Alright.

It’s time I teach this young dragon how to fly.