#i'm way more fastidious about my Body Goo getting places than anyone i've ever met except for my parents and my sister | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ourceliumnetwork · 3 days ago

Text

the list of traumas i need to unpack still and my coping mechanisms (or, more frequently, lack-thereof) keeps getting longer and i'm not sure i like that. I think i like less how much i already know they're hangups before they become a problem i have to actively work on, too.

#this post brought to you by #my aversion to bathrooms and kitchens being connected because they remind me that i have a body that has body functions #and those Weren't Allowed really - mean obviously what're you gonna do about it #but like... it was very clear it was seen as a Defect that i was in any way doing human body things even in normal amounts #so i learned to Hide all of my Disgusting Body Functions™#because if it was Found Out that i'd Excreted Fluids or Mucus or had Consumed Food and was Digesting those were Gross #and Punishable because they could Make A Mess #messes were *not* allowed (not well stopped but also not allowed so i was in trouble a lot because things would be messy)#(and not even always Really Actually Messy)#i'm way more fastidious about my Body Goo getting places than anyone i've ever met except for my parents and my sister #i'm not tidy by any means and i'm very bad at making sure things in my controlled space stay Clean and Sanitized but that's My Zone #that's allowed to be Disgusting (and frequently is)#(note: we're still using my definition of disgusting which probably just means Normal Amounts of Grossness)#but places that in my head are meant to be kept Sanitary and Nearly Sterile (kitchen & bathroom mainly) i get Very Anxious about #because if i'm in there i naturally will make things Unsanitary #it's why i avoided using shared spaces when i lived with people before - i can avoid Grossing Up The Place if i'm not in them #my big-e Ex was also not helpful in this because he was on my dad's level of fastidiousness #everything had to be spotless or he'd be upset and it had to be my job #and no i don't know which one i'm talking about there #my mom would freak out if there was too much dog hair - we had 2 dogs at any given time and all of them shed like hell #so ''too much'' was generally ''any''#household deepcleans were supposed to be a weekly thing and if it didn't get done weekly mom and dad were REALLY upset #everything i did that i considered ''gross'' was done in secret and in private and i was TERRIFIED of getting caught *checks notes*#having a body and it doing normal body things #so anyway if you've made it this far this is your friendly reminder that your body is not capable of any more grossness than any other body #and grossness is normal and it's fine you're not some sort of ooze monster who needs to be decontaminated constantly #you're just a human being with a human body #a lot of the way i've been handling this for a lot of these things is the ''well... people used to live in a lot dirtier conditions and THE #survived so i'm probably not going to die from exposure to 1 common household contaminant or body fluid from my own body''#it's... generally effective

1 note · View note