#i'm trying to remind myself of that when post-dinner i'm here like 'i should really start on movie reviews' and the thought makes me tired

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

also fingers crossed for future covid recovery but i’m caught up on basic chores for the first time since i got sick, i only napped once today, and i ate three times. definitely progress!

[harrystylesfan2686]

Pieces Part 3

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Summary: the aftermath of the break up has different effects on both, Azriel and Reader.

A/N: yall I'm sick🥲 the updates might be late but I'll try to post as much as possible. Hope you like this one!

Pieces Masterlist

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It's been one month.

One month of Healing.

When azriel left, I told myself that I will not contact him until I'm ready. Doesn't matter how much I'm missing him or wanting him. I will not talk to him until I know I won't take him back the second I see him again.

I gave myself two days. Two days to sulk all I wanted. I spent the whole time crying and feeling miserable about myself. Before Az left at least, I wasn't by myself. At least I saw him once a day.

Now? Nothing.

I am totally alone. His absence hit me Hard. Everything I saw, almost brought me to my knees.

The kitchen where we would make dinner together, laughing and joking with each other that many times ended with us covered in flour and syrup.

The couch where we would sit cuddling and talking until we fell asleep, always waking up with strained muscles.

His office where he would sit on his chair in front of his desk, writing out reports and whatnot while I sit in his armchair reading my book. Just enjoying each others company and occasionally taking breaks to make out on the very deck, and then some.

After those dreadful days though, I called Feyre and Mor and had a very much needed girls night. We took out a wine bottle and I spilled everything to them. My mind was too drunk to think my feelings about Elain might offend Feyre but she genuinely felt sad for me and embarrassed about her sister. The poor girl even apologised to my about Elain's behavior to which I immediately told her it wasn't her fault.

When I told them how lonely it got being alone in a big house like this, they suggested maybe I should get a job or something to keep my mind distracted and promised that they'll visit me often. So I did juat that.

I found a part time job at a local library. I have to admit, I'm really enjoying it. I'm the second assistant to the sweetest lady, Hilda, who owns the shop. I don't do much, just help her in small things like adjusting books on self or helping in shipping books out or in. Layla, the first assistant, handles most of the work around the shop. My job is basically doing what she asks of me. The salary isn't much but I don't care because it's never been about money.

The first week was very hard. Everyday after I came home, the silence felt like a slap on the face, reminding me of everything I lost.

But, slowly, I became comfortable with it. Now it's doesn't hurt me as it did before.

There were many times when I think of Azriel, tears filled my eyes, but I never let them free. I sucked them in and did anything else that didn't made me cry, like taking baths, baking my favorite chocolate brownies, reading in front of the fire place while drinking hot coco or calling my friends to take me shopping.

And as time went. I started to heal. I started to feel good, happier with myself. And without even realizing it, I started to love myself.

-☆-

Azriel

It's been one month.

One month of regretting everything I did to my mate.

I've spent my whole month sulking in this room, crying and regretting everytime I chose Elain over my wife. I haven't slept at all since I came here, just enough to keep me functioning. My appetite is gone. I don't eat unless Rhys come and force feeds me like I'm some baby.

I told Rhysand and Cassian everything the first morning i stayed here. Which earned me a flick to head by Cassian and a very disappointed look from Rhys. Even though they didn't give me any scolding(which I very much deserved), the flick and expression said enough.

Rhys has refrained me of any work, handling it himself or having someone else do it. While I have been sitting around here and hating myself. It seems like even my mind has declared itself an enemy, showing me memories of everytime I dismissed Y/N and hurt her in any way at most random times, cutting a deeper cut in my heart everytime.

"Hey Az, I was thinking if we could go out for dinner tonight? There is this new amazing restaurant I saw while walking near Sidra. I really want to try it." She told me as I put on my coat, ready to go.

"I can't, I have a mission for today. Rhys told me it's important so I can't skip. We'll go some other time. Okay?"

"Ok."

I could hear the excitement in her voice when she asked me and the hurt when I rejected her and promised to go another time. The time never came. She never asked again. And I never noticed.

"Az, are you awake?" She whispers in the dead of night. Both of us sleeping on the bed. My back to her, hoping to fall asleep quickly because I have early training tomorrow.

Cassian is spending time with Nesta more, so Rhys has told me to go to an illyrian camp to check how things are going. I have to wake and go there early to catch them off guard to see what's truly going on.

I can't do that if Y/N doesn't let me sleep.

I didn't answer her that night, hoping if i dont respond, she'll think im asleep and doesnt call me again. She really didnt call me again. I prioritized my sleep over her. Her voice sounded so small. She needed me. And I didn't care.

"So, I saw a really cute baby in garden today and..." I drone out her babbling and try to quickly I can get out of here, I promised Elain to help in her garden today. She'll be disappointed if I show up late.

"Az? You're listening to me right?" She suddenly questions, I clear my throat and answer a small, of course, she nods and takes a deep breath, not saying anything anymore. I sign in relief of the silence.

I put my head in my hands and tug hard on my hair, wanting to feel hurt, hurt the kind that she clearly felt and I didn't care.

I hate myself more and more as memories flash through my mind. I can't even cry at this point. I wished she'd hit me when we fought. Slaped and paunched some sense into me. I don't blame her at all for not talking to me. Gods, I wouldn't even blame her if she left me. I deserve it.

How do I fix this?

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Taglist: @cleverzonkwombatsludge @crazylokonugget @going-through-shit @wallacewillow0773638 @kalulakunundrum @cat-or-kitten

[griefabyss69]

THWIP THURSDAY

technically tagged by @carbonbased000 for WIP SHARING PURPOSES and so here I am! Thank you <3 I haven't done any WIP posting/games/etc in ages and I appreciate everyone who tagged me, it makes me feel nice even if I don't participate <3 I mentioned in some tags earlier this week that I attempted to have a day where I took a break from writing (I've been writing a LOT lately, even more than I posted in Sept) and that instead of doing THAT, I got possessed by two brand new WIPs that refused to wait their turn. One of them is over 20K by now and the other I think is still under 10K but it's gonna be a long one! My instinct is to keep these squirreled away until they're finished but they're not gonna be finished for a very long time so I might as well share some of the longer one! ---

God. What a relief, when Eddie slides into the passenger's seat, looking exactly how Steve expects him to, smelling like coffee and cigarettes - though he said he was quitting - and everything he uses in the shower. "Hey," he says, pulling out of the driveway. "Hello there," Eddie says, looking him over. "Is this a… don't you DARE talk to me about it kind of thing, or do you want to bring it up later, or should I pull it out of you with brute force?" Steve laughs. Everything's actually alright, isn't it? "The second thing. Nothing's… nothing's that bad, just had a hard day," he says. "Even though it was short." "Yeah," Eddie says, graciously, though Steve can tell that Eddie can tell that whatever it is feels like fucking dogshit. "Lucky you, then. You get to hang out with a such a distracting, devastating specimen like myself." Steve's got. Hot blood. It reminds him presently. "Uh-huh," he says, flat and dry as possible. "Tell that to all of the sexy single moms when we're waiting in line and you've got your cart full of like, fucking ice cream and TV dinners." Eddie laughs, scrunching his face at him. "You think you're sooo funny," he says. "That's embarrassing." "No, what's embarrassing is that you think I'm funny." Eddie bites his lips together like he's trying not to smile, crossing his arms. He doesn't have a retort, but Steve knows that's only because it's still Eddie's version of too-fucking-early in the morning. "You had coffee, right? Breakfast?" he checks. There's a diner up ahead. "Yeah, didn't want to go terrorize the aisles hungry, or whatever you said," Eddie sighs. "So I ate the stalest peanut butter sandwich on EARTH and with coffee that had NO milk in it." Steve laughs. "Good thing I'm here to save the day," he says, and pulls into the diner. He's not hungry, but they can get something small and share it or something. Whatever Eddie wants.

This fic is set in 1990 and is about trauma AND bdsm AND deep easy friendships AND it's got some of my most Eddie dialogue ever in it. (I've really been working on my presentation of him as someone who does NOT grow out of the adhd hyperactivity, perhaps inspired by pulling myself out of the sludge of a months long disassociation/depression thing and my own return of adhd hyperactivity, which is why I got SO possessed by the Stories I'm Writing)

I'm not tagging anyone specifically because if you see this (thank you for reading all of that ^), you're it!!! Please @ me so I can see your wip thank you <3

[nancypullen]

Oh, Fall, I Love You

Our high today was 64 degrees. A moment of silence, please, in honor of the passing of summer. Hallelujah and amen. Prior to the birthday festivities I was swapping out porch decor, packing away pink and sweet in favor of autumn and Halloween. This beauty fluttered right past me and I wanted to break into a happy dance.

Hello, lover.

I don't have mums yet, and I'm hesitant to put them out just before leaving on vacation. I think if I give them a good dunking the day before we leave they'll survive. In keeping with my full-bodied embrace of autumn, I picked up another cheap print at the local auction. This was $2.

Just a cheerful, sunny harbor town. Not for long!

I've already roughed in a moon, a few pumpkins, a ghost coming out of a chimney, dressed the trees in autumn glory, and added some friendly neighborhood witches.

It's still in the early stages. Lots of loose blobs that will be refined.

That sign over the storefront may say "WANDS" or "FRESH TOADS" if I can make letters that tiny. I'll make a witch silhouette crossing the moon and maybe add some bats to the sky. It's just plain fun.

Couldn't be easier. Find an old print at your local Goodwill or yard sale. Decide what you'd like to add to spook it up, then make your space for them. I use gesso ( the stuff you prep a canvas with, allows the paint to move and spread more freely) to just sort of make a rough shape and then paint over that.

I feel like I should start looking for old prints and adding snow to rooftops, Christmas lights, and Santa and his reindeer sailing overhead. The possibilities are endless! Okay, enough of my nonsense. You know I'm happiest when I'm slapping paint around, whether it's on furniture, a canvas, or these old prints. BUT, we have just a few days left before we cross the pond and wander around Ireland. I have so much to do. For some reason I always feel the need to clean the house top to bottom before leaving, I need to lay in cat supplies for the gal who will be stopping by to feed and scoop, I'm about half packed and all I really need to add to my bag is toiletries, socks, and the jacket I decide to take. I really don't want to grocery shop before we depart. I'd rather clean out the frig and just eat whatever we have. That might mean soup and sandwiches for dinner a couple of nights, but that wouldn't kill us. Honestly, I'd be quite happy with popcorn or scrambled eggs. I don't much care for dinner. I'm also trying to crank out a few cards for some folks who requested them, and I feel like those need to go out within the next day or so. I've got some earrings to ship, and ohmygosh I'm running out of time! For someone with nothing to do most of the time I suddenly have too many things on my list. Ugh. It'll all get done, I just hate throwing myself into an airplane seat already exhausted. I need a wife to take care of all this. I'll have to finish this rambling post tomorrow. Somehow 10pm managed to sneak up on me and my buns should be soaking in a hot bath. My first day as a 60 year old was so busy that I forgot to be 60. I'll try again tomorrow. That's just a silly reminder that age doesn't mean a dadgum thing. I'm the same knucklehead I was at 59. Meet me back here tomorrow! I may have something of substance to share by then. No promises. I do have some birthday fun to talk about, and a hilarious grandgirl story. Until then, stay safe, stay well, and go get a pumpkin. It's time. XOXO, Nancy

[ginza-division]

Eiji's Thoughts on Okinawa Division

Ace Douglas

"The son of the U.S. president? Here?! ...Wow, this is... definitely shocking. Especially considering that I had to ban this young man's father from PROFILE. I didn't want to do it, but some of the comments he made were very insensitive towards certain ethnic groups and were deemed insulting by the site's A.I., who had warned him numerous times to mind what he was posting or responding to. His son seems to be better at following the rules. Honestly, his PROFILE page is one of the most followed on the site. I don't know if it's cause he is the son of the president, or something else, but he is very popular. Perhaps I should invite him and his friends over for dinner."

Evelyn Rose

"Ah, I know of her, as well. She, along with... Miss Takahashi, are in the top 10 of the people with the most followers on PROFILE. From what I gather, the majority of her followers are American with a few Japanese in the mix. In contrast, Miss Takahashi's followers are mostly Japanese. Despite America having a much larger landmass and population than Japan, more people use PROFILE here than in America. Of course, that's not really much of a surprise considering PROFILE was started here. I've been trying to popularize it more in other countries, and it's been working, but I know it can be better. Perhaps I should make another trip to another country. Perhaps, maybe..."

"...Ah, sorry. I was rambling. Anyway, as stated, both women have approximately the same number of followers, which is surprising. I've heard about their rivalry against each other. I'm just glad they're keeping it offline. The last thing I need is people debating over which woman is the hottest. The last time we had a battle like that on PROFILE, people were suing us left and right, accusing us of not being diligent enough to stop it." Eiji sighs, shaking his head.

Rashaad Young

"Ah, Rashaad. A good man, and an even better bartender, if I do say so myself. Not discounting other bartenders out there, but they should take a lesson in how to run a bar from this guy. I mean, he's not Japanese, but his bar is one of the most popular bars out there, not the least because he calls the place 'neutral territory'. I've gone there numerous times, not only for a drink, but also to meet with several company owners to either negotiate a deal, or to "mend relationships", so to speak."

"Besides that, Rashaad's got a pretty decent PROFILE. Did you know the guy, once or twice a month, does this little recording podcast where he shows everyone how to make some recipes for drinks and Puerto Rican food? I tell you, I'm a bit surprised his page doesn't have more followers cause of that! I have a reminder saved each time he makes a video!"

Liberty Guild

"When Otome-sama announced that an American team was joining the D.R.B., I, like everyone else, was not only shocked, but also a little skeptical. What reason could an American team have to participate in a rap tournament? I mean, not discounting the fact that they were foreigners, but American rap differs a lot from Japanese rap. But hey, they managed to silence all their critics when they had their first battle. I'll admit, I was expecting them to lose, but when they pulled out a surprise victory, I was shocked!"

"They haven't had any battles since then, but I'm definitely keeping a close eye on them. I have their entire battle against Kyoto Division up on PROFILE, and it seems like I get 100,000 watches a day from it!"

[fountainpenguin]

2 for the ask thing!

When you’re writing a new story, what is the one thing you need to know before you can start?

[Current Ask game]

#ridspoilers / #Dog's Life spoilers

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I'd say character (both in terms of character motivations and in how the character interacts with the world, along with a decent amount of backstory). I can change my plot direction any time, but if you have a solid character, you can go anywhere. You get the character down first and you build the world around that character and the story you're telling.

I've talked about my scrap docs before and how I have tens of thousands of words of scenes I didn't keep in the final drafts. One of the very first things I wrote for my Fairly OddParents stuff was a scene of H.P. having dinner with Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda with dozens of little pixies in tow.

I never posted it because it's incompatible with my finished canon, but it shaped the worldbuilding and character interactions for me (namely H.P. being burned out on childcare, Anti-Wanda being super friendly with H.P., and Anti-Cosmo holding pixies by the napes of their necks... all still accurate today).

I'm actually hoping to post it in October (I think it'll fit in the "King Me" universe which is a special Friday the 13th story I want to do... we'll see).

Dog's Life is a better, more specific example of the character fleshing process I can show; I think I talked about this in a recent Ask too, but I like to give myself a space to do all the "tell" part of "Show don't tell." I'll try to explain this in good words out of context, let's see.

In Dog's Life, there are intermission chapters called "Watcher chapters" which revolve around the theme of "Grian as viewed from the eyes of his friends" and each one is about Grian singling out someone to pester with his questions. "Watcher 2" is when he comes for Scar and I really started delving into Scar's backstory in this draft.

[Cnt'd under the cut, showing a scene that will end up getting rehashed because it's all "tell instead of show"; talking about how it influenced the final portrayal of Scar in Dog's Life]

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Behind the Scenes

My writing style is very "magical realism" and when it came to Scar, I either wanted "disability with a magical aid" or "disability that is in itself magical in some way" (like a curse). I thought about it a lot and even played with a concept where Scar uses elytra 24/7 (and struggles with no-fly spaces that aren't accessible to him) but it wasn't what I was looking for.

In the end, I researched canes and that seemed right, and it's working well. I particularly liked the scene where he was waving his cane around the entirety of Chapter 4's opening until he finally tripped and fell on Scott and was like "I should probably use this as a walking aid instead of a theater prop" lskdjf... I felt like that was an extremely Scar moment- it shows his personality very well, because he's super positive and he likes to be extravagant and fancy, and he's not ashamed to remind us that the cane isn't just a decorative prop.

While planning, I also kept thinking of that moment in a Hermitcraft stream where Ren wanted to play TCG with Scar and he casually mentioned giving Scar a handicap in the game and Scar just covered his face and giggled and spent the next few minutes casually dropping things like "I think that's a good thing to do in a game with me" until Ren noticed and got flustered... That to me is the quintessential Scar experience: he notices and he'll tease and have a good attitude and it's funny to him.

That's what I was going for when I drafted this scene for "Watcher 2" of Grian approaching Scar. I'll talk more about it below:

"Watcher 2" - First Draft

Grian bristles, ruffling imaginary feathers along the back of his neck. “Don’t worry about it; I’m not here to hunt you. And if you die to a creeper or whatever, I’ll fix it before we start next week. I can do that. He’ll let me.” Then, with venom, “I mean, it’s my series.”

Scar frowns just a sliver. “I’ll fix it.” Grian doesn’t mean anything by it, but… it prickles his skin to get that teensy little reminder that Grian thinks of him as extra attention; extra work.

If Scar does die after hours, it wouldn’t even be the first time. Grian had to mess with his Life code once to fish him back after an accidental death years ago. They weren’t even playing; just taking turns throwing signals at the new server host they’d just moved to, checking to confirm everyone felt steady with it and it wouldn’t cause anyone to glitch.

Scar had glitched. Badly. Doubled over, hacking, with Grian monitoring his connection as he tried to fight his way through the pain (He’s always in pain; this was sharper; some server signals just don’t play nice with his code). It’s been this way for most his life. His immune system just… just never recovered after a bad storm fried his AFK server. He’d been exploring the ocean. Glanced up at the sky; slammed down a bed. Glitched completely out. Drowned. Respawned underwater a few times. Death loop. Whole server crash. The works. That was years ago… and that’s why we use surge protectors, kids.

Part of him never recovered. Part of him is still trapped there, dying and respawning to this day. The Scar he is today is just a backup. An autosave. He doesn’t even have memories of what happened, personally, but he’s heard the whispers in the corridors. He’s the glitch they almost didn’t save.

Would HALO have bothered recovering that autosave file if they’d known how much work keeping him alive would be? Because he breaks things, sometimes. Not intentionally. There are just certain parts of the portal hub that aren’t accessible to someone of his… disability. He can’t take the travel tubes. And most people give him a wide berth so they won’t be in the radius if he does have an episode.

He’s doing okay. He’s mostly okay. He just has a corrupted file. It’s not the end of the world.

Except for when it is. The 3rd Life server host switch was the most jarring reaction he’d had in years. It burned his skin, knocked him out, flung him at a lump of magma blocks, fried him, then exploded him in a burst of scattered code. Killed him then and there. Grian had to boot another autosave and spend hours piecing him together again. Scar wouldn’t know. Because if you can’t hold a connection to the server, you don’t even get respawned in your AFK world. You can’t determine if time is passing. You just… cease existing. Maybe forever, one day.

(Technically, that Scar’s gone. The timeline’s reset. Here he is again… and the corrupted file remains.)

It’s such bad luck how things work out sometimes. Grian even called him over before they made the move; asked him to take a look at things with him. They went through the back-end together. Had a checklist. Did a little A-B testing. Kept their failsafes locked and loaded. Grian did everything right. It isn’t his fault.

Scar just doesn’t have a body that works like everyone else’s does. He needs extra attention. Extra work. It’s no surprise that Grian can’t stand him.

“Oh,” he says, curling his fingers around the edge of the crafting table. “What kind of talk…? Oh no.”

“It’s nothing bad,” Grian hurries to clarify, then stops. He blinks. “Scar, are you all right?”

He aches in a lot of places. There’s not a single spot on his body that doesn’t glitch at least once throughout the day and once again overnight. The glitches roll through him, but you learn to stomach it when you have no other choice. Scar stares back at Grian, trying to process the question. Do I look like I’m not all right? What made him think that?

Grian narrows it down a little more: “You look sad. I can- I can have this chat with you another day, if you like, Scar. I just wanted to pick your brain a little, but if now’s not a good time, you can just talk to me instead. If you like. I’m here for you, you know.”

“I know,” Scar lies. He needs extra attention. He’s extra work.

What this scene does and why it's getting changed

So that's the draft scene... I like it, it's fun, but the final version won't look like this. This is the "tell" and I need to convert it into "show." What I'll probably do is cut 80 to 90%% of this because I'm using the earlier chapters to set up Scar's defensive attitude and we don't need Scar to do it here; it'll be more like the end result of 15 to 20ish chapters worth of build-up, which means I don't want it to sound like the info is being introduced for the first time. As the author, I need this info to "sketch" Scar, but the reader doesn't.

While writing this, this was me saying "I need to get inside Scar's head and let him tell me what his backstory is" (though the details of that backstory will probably change). Scar gets to tell me things, then I take it and show the reader in different ways. Quick topic switch and then we change back to Scar:

I got into 3rd Life and Last Life very shortly after Last Life ended and before plans for Double Life had begun. I craved more content because I loved the series and that led me to Impulse's behind the scenes streams where he talked about his experiences in the series and mentioned a couple of weird things that happened as well.

One of them was that they switched server hosts partway through the series and were testing things out before they played, and Scar died on a magma block. It wasn't considered a canon death since it was off-camera testing time (and I guess that death message was visible in some players' chats during the actual recording time later and it caused a small fuss in the community).

I knew that tidbit of info and I thought it would be interesting if I delved into that: "a glitch happened that made Scar suffer." It quickly turned into "What if Scar has chronic glitches and pain and that's why he uses a walking aid?"

I really liked that idea because it melds nicely with my world. Character influences worldbuilding which influences story.

Fun Fact

The HALO team is a group of players who hold authority in this digital universe. They rescue people, like Scar, who get stuck in death loops or hurt themselves in some way. I loved the name HALO because it gives that rescue vibe, and it was a double meaning because I thought Halo was the game Scar used to make videos for before Minecraft. Turns out that was Call of Duty but I still like the name; I think it's perfect.

Why do I consider this something I needed?

For the purpose of this Ask, this is the part I want to emphasize: Until I wrote this scene, which will take place in Chapter 15 to 20ish, I hadn't even considered giving Scar a chronic glitch. I was going to give him a cane and some pain and leave it at that. Which is fine, and I think going the route of wings as a mobility aid also would have been fine as long as I gave it careful thought, but I really enjoyed giving Scar a disability that fits perfectly with the digital world. I think it brings the world to life.

If you've read Dog's Life, you know that in Chapter 3, Scar glitched out the server, which kicked out all the players except Scar (who got deleted) and they had to reload the world from an autosave, which meant losing some of their progress (and some of Scar's memories). It's implied that this isn't unusual when you play with Scar, which can be very upsetting for him sometimes because it's scary and difficult for him and he also feels like he's a burden who ruins his friends' play time.

After it was discovered that "anything other than a zombie will cause Scar to glitch," it was very important to me that I had Grian insist he would take as much time as needed to fix the code so that "Scar could play with the full mod" (as opposed to getting restricted to "only zombies").

Grian cares about Scar and it's important to him that Scar gets the accessibility tweaks required to let him play with them. Which Scar didn't see. Scar's worst nightmare would be getting written off as "too difficult or dangerous to play with" which, as we saw in Chapter 4, breaks Scott's heart. Scott knows that if he comes out as an allay hybrid, Scar will instantly put up walls and avoid playing with him so he (vex Scar) doesn't corrupt Scott's player file and turn him into a vex too. Scar genuinely has a positive personality, but it doesn't change the fact that his disability is real... and it does affect him. He has VERY messy feelings... especially about politics.

We'll see some of that next chapter ("Charred") when he mutters to Lizzie that he hopes his "character arc in this series" doesn't get boiled down to "Scar glitched things" because he doesn't want to be defined by that. It's important to Scar (and to me) that he gets plenty of characterization and story content that's unrelated to his disability (He has a whole arc with Mumbo that's fun)... but yeah, he does have a little heartache and it does impact the way he interacts with the world and his friends.

From a writing perspective, I very much enjoy upping the threat level. 3rd Life is a series where deaths are important because lives are limited and it doesn't take long to get cut from the server for good.

I really like how Dog's Life balances the in-game threat of "not getting to play anymore" against the out-of-game parallels of fantasy politics and character drama. I feel like this story weaves really well between "ha ha funny play time," "aww cute moments because everyone is friends outside the game," and "uh-oh political drama" and "oh this is a legitimate threat." I'm really enjoying it <3

Conclusion

Technically the question was "what do you need to know before you start" and I'd already written the first two chapters of this story, but... I think nailing down characterization is so important. Everything I did for Chapter 3 of Dog's Life (i.e. Scar glitching the server) was made up as it unfolded (rather than outlined in advance) and I went with it because it felt right. But I couldn't have done any of that if I hadn't taken the time to do my little character study on Scar.

The same thing happened with Joel damaging his vessel body at the end of Chapter 5- it wasn't in my outline (my OG draft just ended with him trotting back to spawn to taunt Lizzie for dying) but this... felt right. The characters shape the worldbuilding, which in turn is the thing that shapes the plot, which in turn creates the story.

Character is king :) And sometimes you throw away your original plans and follow the new trail. If you really know your character, they'll show you what makes them tick, what they truly want, and what their nightmares are... and then you just guide the story so they experience things you know are hard for them.

Knowing the character is particularly important for a series, I think, because I could pick up any character I've fleshed out and plop them down in any one-shot. They could be a side character in someone else's story and still be nicely polished and well-rounded, or so I hope.

I'm deliberately writing Dog's Life with the goal of giving every character layers of backstory. My goal is that every chapter makes it obvious why the POV character is the POV character for that chapter - because something unique is happening with THEIR story - but I also want the other characters to feel so interesting that it makes the reader say "Oh, I'd love to read from their POV" or "I hope we get to see a conversation with that character in it." That's what makes them feel alive... and that's what makes writing with large casts fun, I think :)

I'm enjoying what I did with Scar and hopefully it comes across well. I think I have enough moments of other characters making good, healthy accommodations for Scar (and plenty of scenes where Scar's glitch disability isn't a factor on the plot, his character arc, or the worldbuilding whatsoever) that it balances out Scar's occasional self-deprecating moments... Scar has good friends who love him. Scar loves himself... But on occasion, especially when under stress, he struggles with his self-image and emotions, just like all the other characters do when it's their turn to be POV character.

Thanks for the Ask and I hope this was helpful and interesting even if you're reading it out of context for this fandom and 'fic!

[Current Ask game]

[merlions]

Just for personal catharsis; there's hella untagged triggers in here so proceed carefully if you wish but I advise against it. I'm not fully gonna demand DONT READ cause I know I'm posting this on a public website but like I'm gonna suggest it

I am being so mad at myself for the ways i am being lately but check out this list of Factors with which I am currently Contending

> watching a show after dinner every night with my parents about rape culture during which an actual rape is depicted in a very similar way to what I have experienced many times and never really gotten any good mental health care for

> talking about that show w them as we watch and i realize my dad's forgotten that ive been raped or assaulted several times and doesnt realize how that may affect me and my views on the show and not being sure how to tell him and not wanting to have to do so just as a way to win an argument which is how i even did it the first time

> my [friend and roommate] [t'hy'la] [wife] is currently in our previous apartment with her family finishing cleaning it up and moving us out, and the last time I was there it was spending 2 weeks alone losing my mind while packing to move since my roommate had just been discharged from the hospital and we had gone our separate ways to heal and recover at our respective parents' houses and i was waiting for my dad to come so we could road trip back to my parents house

> continuous reminders of the trauma of seeing her in that hospital bed, incoherent, sweating, unconscious, of her not knowing between reality and hallucination, of knowing she genuinely almost died

> (side note this trauma was sufficient to make a large chunk of my hair fall out and to develop a specific type of eczema on my hands that my mom got when she was going through the stress of her father dying and I have barely even begun to process it)

> the first time she and i have ever been apart for more than 10 days in more than 7 years actually also and it's now been over 4 months

> doing therapy and having to relive every sexual assault, every bad thing I've done or has happened to me and try to come to terms with it

> parents on a starvation diet and im skipping meals, struggling to maintain my veneer of resisting my eating disorder spawned by chronic pain and nausea

> chronic illness flares goin roughhhh

> struggling to get my meds as per fuckin usual lately

> keep getting accidentally dosed w allium in like every meal and it's wreaking havoc on my shitty bod

> sleep schedule becoming the very most fuckening and getting 2-4 hrs of sleep per night interspersed w nights of 10+ hrs that fuck my sleep schedule worse

> some strange and awful mast cell garbage afflicting me

I mean there's more too. Like there's a lot, a LOT of good going on as well but like I can understand why I am functioning less than optimally and I should probably try a little harder to be kind to myself about it

[allherdaydreams]

Valley of Kings — Chapter One

Vali | The Middleman

Universe: Vikings Pairing(s): None yet (there will be several later on, mainly Ivar x fem!OC and much later on, Harald x fem!OC) Word Count: 3,160 Warnings: Bad writing ig? Author’s Note: I don't really love this lol, but I decided I'm just going to publish the chapters on here when I'm done and have slightly edited them and hope for some feedback, etc. Sorry if it's not great! Anyway, lemme know if you wanna be on a taglist and I’ll add you! Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated ❤️

read the prologue here

I remember the smell of the air — as spring was leaving, with summer slowly taking its place, the wind was gentle and sweet with the scent of wildflowers. The hunting cabin which belonged to the royal family of Kattegat rested in the foothills just east of the town; to the south surrounded by trees, and to the north, mountains. The smell of pine and woodbine lingered in the air, too, though all of the sweet scents of the wilderness were drowned out with that of the meat we roasted over the fire each night we stayed there.

I remember the way the grass tickled the back of my neck as my friends and I watched the clouds. I had never understood why Sigyn insisted on being barefoot every moment that we were out there, but in midday, the dew had only just faded and the greenery was soft underfoot. The clear blue sky gave us a false sense of security.

It was the last truly peaceful day I would have in a long, long time. I must have been fifteen or sixteen, but I had always looked and acted older. My friends were all older, too — I was the same age as the youngest son of Ragnar, Ivar, but I only spent time with him when his brothers were around. I had been inseparable from Ubbe, Hvitserk, and Sigurd since I was small. We all figured we would stay that way forever.

We had been at the cabin for many days, and planned to head back into town at the end of the upcoming week. That day, Hvitserk and I had both killed a deer, Sigurd had caught many rabbits in his traps, and Ubbe had tracked a boar, though he was still waiting for the right time to shoot it without the probability of getting attacked. (He was much wiser than Hvitserk and I; had it been either of ours to kill, we would have gone after it with no hesitation or regard for our safety at all.)

My sister had come with us — Ivar went, too, and wherever Ivar was, Sigyn was never far behind — but had never enjoyed hunting. Instead, she chose to spend the trip in and around the cabin, cooking and cleaning. When the chores were all done, she spent the rest of her time alone out in the yard, lost in her own head. She was, it seemed, daydreaming at nearly every waking moment of her life.

When we reached the cabin that day, we found her in her usual spot on the grass, staring off at the clouds even as we reached her. Ivar crawled toward her, but instead of trying to grab her attention, he only laid down next to her.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, staring up at the sky. As the other princes and I walked into the cabin, I heard Sigyn begin to tell a most detailed story, as she always did when Ivar asked that question.

"I am dreaming of a far away kingdom on the edge of the world..."

When we had resurfaced from the entrance of the cabin, Ivar and Sigyn were still laying in the same spot. Hvitserk had flashed me a grin as he nudged my arm before strutting over and laying down on the vacant side of Sigyn. Knowing he wished for me to follow, I laid down next to him.

"You know, Sigyn," Hvitserk said. "If you come with us to the Mediterranean, you will get to see a far away kingdom."

"Yes, Hvitserk, I know." She responded simply. "But it would not be as magnificent as the ones I dream about. Besides, I love Kattegat and I have no wish to leave. We have been over this."

Sigyn had always been straightforward. She was very honest about everything, and often didn't understand the difference between our jests or when we meant what we said. I suppose that my sweet sister assumed that everyone would be as charmingly frank about their feelings as her.

Sigyn had the softest, steadiest voice I had ever heard. She often kept a calm tone which made her seem as if she had the most level head in Norway. Only when she was in great distress or feeling something very strong did her tone ever noticeably change. Not to say she was emotionless by any means — she felt a great deal more than I could ever wrap my head around — but she was always calm. At least, she always was when she was around us.

"Are you going to be okay here while Mother and Father and I are gone, Sigyn?" I asked gently, leaning upwards just slightly to look over at her past Hvitserk. Hvitserk's brows furrowed slightly, and he looked over at her too as she gazed thoughtfully at the clouds. She nodded slowly, turning her head to meet our gazes.

"I think so. You will not be gone very long. I will have Ivar and Muninn." I smiled at her sweet tone, but had to keep myself from grimacing.

"We may be gone all summer," I reminded her.

"Or longer," added Hvitserk. She nodded again and looked back at the clouds.

"Perhaps you will. And I will miss you everyday. But you'll come back." Hvitserk and I looked at each other, and I shrugged as I laid back down. I knew she understood — she was always the more intelligent twin — but I just didn't want her to be hit with the emotions all at once when I would not be there to talk over them with her. We may not have spent every waking moment together, but we had never been separated in our lives.

We stayed there for a long time, quietly and sparsely conversing amongst ourselves. When Ubbe and Sigurd had finished skinning the meat for dinner, they called us over. Sigyn and Ubbe were the best cooks among us, so they were the ones to prepare our meal while the rest of us sat around them and talked. It was not long until we heard the sound of hooves coming up the path to the cabin, and Hvitserk and I stood and craned our necks to see who the incoming rider could be.

"It's Bjorn!" I called the others. Sigyn and Ubbe looked up then, put down the food, and quickly joined the rest of us as we all watched the eldest prince of Kattegat approach.

His expression was grim — though he was usually serious, I wasn't used to him looking so discouraged or unhappy. He dismounted his horse once he reached the cabin, tying the reins to a fence post.

"Hello, Bjorn," Sigyn said, walking up to him with a smile. She turned towards the tall horse, stroking his head gently, her attention now completely focused on the stallion. Bjorn smiled faintly as he gave her a nod.

"Hello, Sigyn," As he passed her, he patted her shoulder. Tearing his eyes away from my sister, he looked towards the rest of us, and his expression darkened again. "I come with news. You will all want to sit down."

By the time Bjorn had finished his story, all of our faces looked just as grim as his. Sigyn, who was sat on a bench behind Ivar, was the only one of us who didn't look angry in the slightest — her downcast eyes made it seem as if she was on the verge of tears as she absentmindedly ran her fingers through Ivar's hair. She had always had a habit of soothing herself with soft textures when anxious or upset; usually, one of us lent our hand or hair for her to play with, if there was no small animal close enough for her to pet.

We were all quiet and contemplative for a while, all of us stuck in our own thoughts. I wondered what Hvitserk was thinking.

"You think our father never knew?" Ubbe brought his gaze up from the table to the sky, which had turned to grey. I saw in his eyes a calculating worry. He was trying to find reason in something where there likely wasn't anything that was good enough to justify it.

"It's possible," Bjorn mused, watching the knife in his hands as he turned it over slowly. "In those early days, it wasn't easy to navigate the sea."

"He knew. He had to." Hvitserk spoke from beside me. I glanced at him and nodded in agreement.

"If he did, he should have told the people," Sigurd decided aloud. "Everyone lost relatives; fathers and uncles, sons and daughters. They would have demanded revenge."

"That is why he didn't tell them," Ivar shot back, glaring at Sigurd.

"What do you mean?" Ubbe asked as his brows furrowed. Ivar rolled his eyes.

"It was a waste of time." He said simply.

"Ivar..." Sigyn's voice trailed off. Her face made it clear that she wanted to say something, but didn't know how to approach her volatile best friend.

"They were dead, Sigyn! Ragnar wanted to sail to Paris. He wanted to be famous. Isn't that more important?" He turned to look at her, and she drew her hands back from his hair and into her lap. "Hmm?"

Sigyn looked at the ground.

"I don't think so," She said solemnly.

"You can say that." Bjorn replied, shrugging. Ivar turned again, back to facing his brothers and I.

"I can say that? What does that mean?"

"Here's what it means —" Hvitserk interjected. "— at least to me. Our father abandoned us. We were just kids, and he ran off. Only the Gods know if he's still alive. And now, we hear he kept this big secret from everyone. That he was not truthful or honest."

"This makes me feel sick," Sigurd shook his head again. "How could our father not tell the people what had happened?"

"Maybe if he had told them, they would have killed him." Bjorn replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"If it's true..." Ubbe began. "If it's true that our father lied to his people and abandoned them, then I hope he never comes back."

"He betrayed our name. If he ever came back, I would kill him." Hvitserk snarled, ripping Sigyn out of her mind and back into the present. Her head shot up to look at Hvitserk.

"Me too." Sigurd agreed. Sigyn looked back and forth between the two of them, her expression somewhere between alarm and betrayal.

"Screw you!" Ivar exclaimed. Hvitserk scoffed and looked down, shaking his head. "All of you. He never did anything wrong. He is our father. And that is the end of it. You all sound like a bunch of Christians."

"I love our father as much as you do—" Ubbe said, but was interrupted by Ivar.

"Who said I loved him, Ubbe? I said I admired him. He's Viking. And you are soft." Ivar's voice was defensive, challenging, angry; as he usually was.

"I am not soft! None of us—" Ubbe gestured to his other brothers and to me. "— are soft. But we want to understand what our father did, and what he was."

He crouched down in front of Ivar, glancing up at Sigyn before making eye contact with Ivar. "As his son, his fame does not interest me. What he used his power for—" Ubbe pressed a finger to his temple. "— now that would interest me."

"By now, my brothers, there will be a lot of anger in Kattegat. Now they know the truth. Our father betrayed a whole generation of people," Hvitserk said.

"So if he ever came back—" Sigurd started to say, causing Bjorn to sit up straighter and stare at his brother.

"I don't think he is ever going to come back!" Bjorn exclaimed, frustrated. "I think what happened in Paris finally broke him. You all can say whatever you want, but he was a human. People started to talk as if he was a God — he was not a God! He was a man! A man with many dreams and many failings. I've learned that in the years since he went away. If I was him, I wouldn't come back."

I glanced at my sister now, who was watching Bjorn sadly.

"Despite all his failings, he is still the greatest man in the world to me," Bjorn looked down at the ground again as finished his sentence.

"He cared for you — he cared for all of you," Sigyn said, looking to each prince in turn. "He made mistakes, but as Bjorn said, he is only human." Bjorn and Ivar nodded, but Hvitserk and Ubbe shook their heads.

"Sigyn, we were not lucky as you were to have a father that was there for us. If he truly cared enough, he would have stayed." Ubbe told her. His voice was gentle, as it always was when he spoke to her, but I could hear the frustration behind his words. "You should learn that about love now; love means loyalty. Dedication. You don't abandon those you love."

I watched my sister grapple with finding the right thing to say. Ivar reached a hand behind him, blindly reaching for Sigyn's own. Once he had grabbed it, he guided it to his shoulder before letting it go. Her fingers traced shapes onto his shirt.

"I must go to your home now, Vali, Sigyn," Bjorn looked towards each of us in turn. "I have more preparations for the voyage to discuss with you father, and now I should talk to him about this as well." I nodded at him.

"I will go with you," I replied, and looked towards Sigyn, who met my gaze.

"I should stay here, then. There is no need for both of us to go," She decided.

"Perhaps we should head back to Kattegat early," Ubbe suggested, looking to his brothers. "See the reactions of the people."

"We already know how the people will react, Ubbe," Hvitserk said. "But yes, we should go and see what we can do."

The journey to my home was longer than usual; we had gone around Kattegat instead of cutting through it, which was the quickest way there, but didn't seem appropriate. A silence hung between Bjorn and I for most of the journey.

"You did not speak," Bjorn said finally, just before we had reached my home. "You did not speak when we were discussing my father."

I nodded at him. "It was not my turn to speak. Not my conversation to have." Bjorn let out a short hum of amusement.

"I think you discount your wisdom. Or maybe your importance," Bjorn decided. I didn't have an answer to that.

We dismounted our horses as we reached out family's land. Bjorn walked ahead of me, but stopped slowly and leaned against one of my father's many souvenirs from past raids. I stopped beside him, and he glanced at me before nodding his head over to the water. When I followed his gaze, I was met with my parents wading in the shallows with the little model ships I had helped him make.

My father must have noticed our presence somehow, because he turned to look at us before he walked over. Bjorn drew close to him, then spoke in a low voice.

"Did you know Ragnar lied to us all? The settlement in Wessex was destroyed as soon as we left." My father looked from Bjorn to me, then to the ground as he thought for a moment. He nodded, glancing back to me before looking Bjorn in the eyes again.

"I knew," He said. "A farmer who had escaped the slaughter told you father and I what had happened. Then, Ragnar killed him, so no one else would find out."

"You were a good friend to my father," Bjorn replied simply.

"Bjorn? Vali?" My mother's voice reached my ears, and I turned from the men to her, smiling.

"Helga," Bjorn answered, immediately walking towards her.

"Hello, Mamma," I called to her, following Bjorn again.

"What brings you back so soon, Vali? I thought you were going to be gone hunting for another week," My mother questioned as she walked out of the water and met us on the sand, embracing me.

"I decided to come back early. We caught plenty of game," I lied, but she nodded and smiled as she drew away from me. She turned to Bjorn.

"And what brings you here, Bjorn?"

"I was just coming to see how the boats were progressing," Bjorn explained.

"What do you say, Helga? What shall we tell him?" My father asked, walking along the docks.

"We think that it won't be long before you have boats ready and able to take you to the Mediterranean Sea," My mother told Bjorn happily.

"If it exists," My father muttered.

"Of course it exists," Bjorn insisted, looking up from the model boat my mother had placed in his hands.

"It's just a map, Bjorn; marks on a paper. A child could have drawn it! How can we know it's real?" My father asked. Bjorn studied the boat more as he thought over his words carefully.

"I learned from my father. The only way to tell if something is real..." Bjorn knelt down, gently pushing the model back into the sea. "...is to sail there."

I would like to think I can remember everything of that day — of most days spent at the hunting cabin, in Kattegat; with my friends, with my sister; the days that bled into each other and the nights that ended with sunrise instead of slumber; that phase in my life where I was preparing for the rest of it, learning the arts and trades and traditions of my people.

Indeed, I would certainly like to think that nothing of those days has escaped my memory. But as I write this, and as I try to recall every moment of every day & night spent in the sweet comfort of home, of youth, of camaraderie with those whom I still love most in the world, I recognize that the mind is never so sharp as to be able to recall every last detail or feeling from many years prior. My mind is not as sharp as it once was, either — I have accepted that soon, if it hasn't already, it will begin to fail me.

Perhaps not all of this story happened in the way I remember it — who is to say, when so few of us are left and still able to recount our adventures? — but the stories of my people & my past deserve to be told. Otherwise, who will remember the Norsemen? The Vikings are gone. I am one of the last to be able to remember the Golden Age. This story is mine to tell.

tags // @peachyboneless @youbloodymadgenius sorry y’all probably forgot about this fic its been so long lmaoo i’ll unadd you if you want

[miss-smutty]

The Destructive Secret

Chapter 3

A/N- The secrets out! Well to you guys anyway 🤫

Summary- You've got a secret to hide and it's going to cause complete and utter destruction. It's only so long until your lies are going to catch up to you.

Word count- 3,258

Warnings- Swearing, lies, deceit, cheating

Pairing- Chris Hemsworth X you / Liam Hemsworth X you

18+ only!

Disclaimer: This is an entire work of fiction/AU and has no affiliation to real life what so ever! This is a fictional story about fictional characters who happen to share names and faces with some real people.

Posted: 25th May 2021

Taglist-: @innerpaperexpertcloud @pandaxnienke @chickensarentcheap @mostly-marvel-musings

Chapter 1 + 2

"Morning babe, I tried to let you have a sleep in. I didn't wake you did I?" He asks, preoccupied with the washing up.

"No, I actually had a good sleep for once." You say nonchalantly while searching through the kitchen cupboards for a mug in a half asleep haze. "That's not going to last long when I have to spend the weekend in a hotel bed though."

Finally finding your favourite mug right at the back of the cupboard, you slam it on the counter a little more aggressively than you expected, startling you out of your daziness. Your boyfriend raises his eyebrow at you questioningly and you just shrug your shoulders back at him. It was definitely going to be one of them days, those days where nothing goes right. You would question what you'd done to deserve it but you already know the answer to that.  You were just going to have to put up with karma kicking your ass at any given moment for the rest of your life.

"Aww I know babe, at least it's only two night's though." He comes up behind you, resting his chin on your shoulder and wrapping his arms around your waist. "You've just reminded me -" He presses carefully, the way he shifts his composure telling you he's uncomfortable with what he's about to say and your heart begins to beat a little faster. " - I know you're going away tomorrow and I really wanted to have the night alone..." He pauses again.

"Just tell me, what is it?" You ask, trying to keep the annoyance from your voice.

"My brother called this morning, he sounds in a bad way so I said he can come over and hang out tonight. You don't mind do you?" Now your heart stops beating completely, what the hell is he playing at? 

 "I'm worried about him, he's not been right lately and he's going away for work tomorrow night too so it's the only time I can see him really." You're angry with him for saying he's going away too, how more fucking obvious can he make it? You're just both suspiciously going to be away with work at the same time. You can't protest about it now, you don't want to raise any more questions.

"No of course not, babe." You agree reluctantly, still seething with anger on the inside. "Right, I'm going for a shower and then I better start packing." You sulk.

"Do you want some help?" He ask as you kiss him on his cheek while you're passing. 

"It's ok babe, you know how meticulous I am with my packing." You say smiling softly at him.

"Gotcha, I am not getting involved with that. Give me a shout if you want a coffee." 

"You're the best." 

                         ****************

Using the tap to muffle the sound of your voice while you make a call. This was starting to become a habit now, the sound of running water in the background whenever you speak to him, a memory that you will never forget. Whenever you run your bath or fill the sink you're going to be reminded of your lying and cheating. Great! Just another thing to add to the list of things to look forward to in the future.

You never thought you'd be a cheater, especially to someone you loved and cared for so deeply. You'd always despised people who cheated, could never understand how people could have multiple lives and cheat multiple times. Naively thinking that if they weren't happy they should just tell the person they are with and stop all the hurt but it doesn't always work that way. You didn't suddenly think 'hey I'm not happy, I'm going to go fuck someone else'. You certainly wouldn't have chosen his brother if that was the case. Over the years it just happened and you hated yourself for it. You weren't even unhappy in your relationship, so that throws all your theories of 'cheaters' completely out of the window. The sound of the dial tone snaps you from your thoughts.

"Hi babe." He answers almost immediately, leaving you with no time to regain your composure. "Hello?" 

"Oh erm.... Don't 'hi babe' me." Not a great start, you have to admit.

"What's wrong?" You can tell that Chris is amused with your tone of voice and it makes that anger resurface.

"You know exactly what's wrong, why the fuck are you coming over here tonight?" 

"Erm to s-" you don't even give him time to speak before you interrupt him. You don't believe that he's just coming to see Liam, you know he's coming to see you no matter what he says.

"As if it's not awkward enough without having you both in the same house together... You have to cancel." The thought of them both being together with you filled you with fear. How were you supposed to act around them both? The idea of it fills you with chills.

"I'm not cancelling. I haven't seen him in a while and he invited me. It'll be fine, I'll be on my best behaviour, I promise. I get you all to myself tomorrow anyway." 

"Exactly so why do you need to come over here and make everything all awkward?"

"Babe I'm coming to see my brother, you get me to yourself tomorrow. Don't be selfish" you could hear the amusement in his voice, you're sure he enjoys this.

"Pfft." A huff is about the only thing you could manage right now.

"You get to have both your favourite people in the same room, at the same time... Hey maybe we can have a threesome?" 

"Fuck off." You murmur, although you have to admit the thought of it does turn you on slightly. In a perfect world that would be the best possible outcome but it's not a perfect world and that most definitely would never happen.

"I'll see you tonight, wear something sexy." He laughs.

"This isn't funny." You reply before hanging up the phone and you're left alone with the tormenting sound of flowing water.

This is going to be a disaster, you can't help but think that tonight is the night it all comes out. Surely this isn't what he has planned, he wouldn't want to hurt his brother in such a viscous way. To announce at dinner that he's fucking his girlfriend and that they've been going behind his back and fucking for years. Surely not?  You're pretty sure you're being paranoid but know you're going to be on the edge of your seat all night, frightened everytime he opens his mouth to speak.

                                 **************

You're sure you've downed almost a full bottle of wine before he's even arrived, you try to remember how many glasses you've had when you finally hear the dreaded chime of the doorbell. Your head is dizzy with bubbles already, your stomach churning at the thought. It wasn't the cleverest of ideas to drink so much already, not when you need to be sharp and aware of what you're doing and saying. Fuck.

The way Chris' eyes light up when he sees you reminds you exactly why this is all worth it. You feel your nerves settle slightly now the first step was over and it wasn't so bad was it? You don't know what you were actually expecting, him to walk through the door and kiss you passionately sounds about right though.

"Chris! Hi, how you doing?" You act, standing on your tiptoes to hug him. It's so hard acting like he's your brother in law and not your... Boyfriend? Lover? You don't even know what to call him.

"Hi, beautiful." He whispers into your ear, making your stomach flip when you feel his lips graze against your neck. "I'm good thank you, how are you guys?" He says louder, moving away from your arms reluctantly and standing against the counter. The glint in his eyes and the smirk on his lips make him look sexy as hell, you bite onto your lip as hard as you can. Hoping to draw blood so you can concentrate on the pain and not the fact you want to rip your boyfriend's brothers clothes off.

"We're great" Liam replies.

"I'm sure you are." Chris says sarcastically under his breath, luckily Liam didn't hear him. You give Chris the glare, reminding him to be on his best behaviour.

"But how are you? You didn't sound too good the other day." Liam asks, opening a bottle of wine.

"I was probably just tired bro, you know how it is. I don't get much sleep nowadays." 

"Oh yeah, is a woman involved by any chance?" Liam asks, laughing to himself.

"Yeah, something like that." Chris subtly grazes your hand as you walk into the kitchen to help Liam. You freeze on the spot, looking into his eyes you see a desperately pleading look. You know this is torture for him, that he just wants to grab you and hold onto you. Even though he tries his best not to, he hates his brother for it, he hates that he gets to have you.

"Anyway, it smells great in here. What you making?" Chris says locked in eye contact with you. 

"I've just thrown together some dinner." You say casually, although deep down your heart is tugging and your hands are shaking.

"Her food is fucking amazing, I probably should have made sure you hadn't eaten first though?" Liam puts his arms around you and kisses your cheek as you carry on stirring the food on the stove. You're glad you have your back to Chris because you dread to think of his reaction. How you have to pretend you don't know each other on that deep level. You had tried to warn him that this was a bad idea.

"Yeah, no that would be awesome. Thanks" You can tell by the way his voice broke that this is causing him pain and there's nothing you can do about it. 

                              **************

"Do you want a beer or are you ok with wine?" Liam asks Chris as you sit down at the table ready to eat.

"I'd love a beer bro" Chris replies. You watch from the corner of your eye as Liam heads to the fridge, your heart beating a little faster now he's out of sight. Looking to Chris nervously.

Chris takes the opportunity while Liams back is turned and grabs your hand under the table. Stroking your palm with his thumb he mouths the words 'love you'. You can't help but feel sorry for him, this horrible situation you're all in. You mouth the words back to him before he lets your hand go when Liam comes back into sight.

All the way through the meal Chris can't take his eyes off of you, you're worried Liam will notice but he's paying no attention. Obviously he has no reason to doubt his loyal girlfriend and protective big brother, why would he? Which makes your betrayal even more unbearable.

"This is great Y/N." Chris says after tasting your food and moving your dress a little higher so he can place his hand on the top of your bare thigh under the table. The shock makes you jump and you hit your knee on the top of the table.

"Are you alright?" Liam asks looking slightly confused.

"Sorry, yeah. I just burnt my mouth." There's a slight hint of amusement in your words, you're a bad person but the situation is just too much not to find it slightly funny. The feel of Chris' hand on your thigh makes you feel butterflies in your stomach at the same time as the deep sick feeling of dread, your mind in a giant conflicted turmoil of feelings.

You can see Chris is also trying to hide his laugh as he takes a sip from his beer, one hand still on your thigh. Why the fuck am I sat in the middle? You hadn't thought about it when you'd sat down but now realise it was a massive mistake and also subconsciously the perfect place for you. The playing piece in a match against brothers, only one player is unaware there is any contest at all.

Chris finishes his beer and puts it down on the table loudly, filling the awkward silence between you all. You can understand the awkwardness between you and Chris but why is Liam not speaking? He wanted to see Chris to figure out what was wrong with him but he's not asking any questions. Has he figured it out? Did he see Chris touch your hand earlier? Had he seen you both whispering? You wriggle in your chair, feeling deadly uncomfortable and hoping Chris would move his hand. He didn't take the hint.

"Do you want another?" Liam asks Chris, already getting up from his chair and not waiting for an answer. Something is definitely wrong. Chris's hand moves further up your thigh, grazing the lace of your panties with the tip of his long finger. He's also completely oblivious to your awkwardness, drinking too much is numbing his senses and becoming dangerous. He's playing with fire. 

You fling your chair back from the table, standing abruptly, your cheeks flushed red with embarrassment and nervousness.

"I'm just gunna get some more beers from the basement." Liam announces, Chris sat cooly in his chair with not an ounce of nervousness.

"It's ok I'll go, you guys have a chat." You say, desperately needing to escape for a minute to catch your breath.

"Don't be silly, it'll only take me a minute." Liam says, already walking towards the door.

Chris takes his cue again, standing from his chair and moving over to you. Standing closely so he can whisper in your ear, his arm pressed to the small of your back while he holds you against him.

"I can't wait to have you in my bed again tomorrow Y/N. I've waited too long." 

"Chris, shh." 

"No, you shh. I wish I had you now, right here. I could just sit you up on this counter and fuck you right here -" He moves his hand up your skirt, gripping your ass in his big hands. "- You want that don't you? Tell me." His teeth graze the skin on your neck, making your head hang back loosely. You want it so bad, all your tension melts away as your muscles relax in his arms.

"We've got all weekend Chris, we can't do this here. It's too risky." You sigh, carefully wrapping your arms around his neck and listening for any sign of Liam.

"Fuck I know but it's so hard being here with you and not being able to fucking touch you." He moves away from you, running his hand though his hair in frustration.

"I told you how hard it'd be." You say.

"How hard what would be?" Liam asks breathlessly. Fuck. You hadn't heard him coming back, how much more had he heard? 

You're lost for words, completely frozen in shock. If he hadn't heard or seen anything it was still way too close for your liking.

"To shoot this ball of foil into that bin from all the way over here." Chris replies hastily, you're incredibly impressed with his quick thinking.

"Let me have a go then." Liam says, taking the foil from Chris. Typical competive brothers. Chris turns to you and winks devilishly, you're perfectly aware of how desirable he looks but you try to push that thought aside. You can't be thinking about that, the things he had just been saying and the thrill of almost being caught, all at once. 

"My turn." You say raising your eyebrows at them both as you swing your hips, confidently over to the fridge. Chris bites his lip as he watches you walk over. "Watch and learn boys." This is quite possibly the strangest situation you've ever been in but you might as well make the most of it.

You shoot your shot and land the foil ball straight into the bin. Turning around and bowing, you're wide eyed when you straighten back up. They both moved towards you as if they were going to kiss you, luckily Chris stopped himself in time.

"Only you could've landed that shot." Liam says, picking you up in his arms, leaving you with no choice but to wrap your legs around him while he kisses your lips deeply. 

You risk a glance at Chris over Liam's shoulder and he's seething with anger, you can see it written all over his face. 

"I'm gunna go outside for some air." Chris announces blankly while Liam sets you back on the ground, a look of concern on his face.

"You alright bro?" Liam asks with no reply from Chris as he walks out of the door.

You get on with the cleaning up, distracting yourself and hoping Liam hadn't noticed Chris' reaction. You can sense Liam behind you, stood on the spot thinking. He's working it out, he's putting together all the pieces and finally working it out.

"I've worked out what's wrong with Chris." He comes up behind you, emptying the plates into the trash. Fuck, here we go.

"What do you mean?" You ask gently, not really wanting to hear his conclusion.

"You know, the reason why he's been moping about all the time." You don't turn around, you just listen, hiding your face and any reaction you're showing. "Well he's quite obviously jealous of us." He adds. There we go, he's worked it out or he's definitely worked out Chris' part in it all.

You felt your stomach drop, Chris was so obvious it wouldn't take a genius to see something was wrong.

"What makes you say that?" You press, carefully. Your back still turned to Liam while you clean the surfaces.

"Don't tell me you didn't notice how he just acted when I kissed you." Of course you noticed, you just hoped Liam hadn't. It won't be long until he puts all the pieces together and figures this all out, if he hasn't already. You pour the last of the bottle of wine into your glass, gulping it greedily. Lord knows you're going to need it.

"He needs a girlfriend, can't you fix him up with one of your friends?" You can't describe the relief you feel right now and a small twang of jealousy at the thought of Chris with one of your friends.

"I'm sure your brother isn't short of admirers Liam, he doesn't need me to fix him up" Your tone of voice was a little too short. Pull it together.

"I suppose you're right but he doesn't have the best taste in women does he?" You can feel your cheeks burning, you're fighting the urge to defend yourself. Telling Liam his brother had the same taste in women when it came to you, wouldn't go down quite so well would it? 

"I'm seeing someone actually Liam." Chris says, overhearing your conversation as he came back in after finally composing himself.

"Oh really? You never said." Liam asks curiously.

"Yeah, we're keeping it to ourselves for now... Until she tells her boyfriend." What the actual fuck? You can't believe he's just said that, he looks at you defiantly, completely over this whole thing.

Liam nearly spat his drink out and you're sure your cheeks are beetroot red, you don't have a clue what to do in this situation. 

"Is she married? Do I know her?" Liam questions further. You're hoping and praying he stops with the questions, Chris is ready and willing to come clean, you can tell by his expression.

"No not married but you do know her. You know her really well actually." Chris says while avoiding your gaze purposefully...

[dayseternal-blog]

Hi Days! I'm a huge fan of your work and your tumblr blog bc you give so many naruhina fanfic recs and talk about your stories, etc.

To sum it up, you're my favorite person lol, I'm a bit shy so I'm asking this as an anon, but I wanted to tell you something random just because I've always just thought about it and maybe you would agree or comment on it.

Have you ever listened to mitski? If you haven't I recomend you do bc she's amazing, but anyways I was listening to a song of hers called "washing machine heart" and it reminded me of naruhina, like the fic "together you and I" but different you know, like naruto only married hinata because he couldn't have sakura, she was his second option and every time he looked at her he wished and pretended it was Sakura, so Hina tries her hardest to look pretty and try to be the person he wants, always getting saddend by the idea that she isn't the one he wants, she knows his heart will only belong to Sakura. She let's him trample all over her heart and use her because she loves him unconditionally, maybe cry to her on some nights because he longs for Sakura's love that will never come.

I've read so many fanfics and I've never encountered one using this concept, I'd write it myself, but I'm not good at writing, maybe I'm reaching but it could inspire an angst story made by you or just a prompt or idea/concept for anyone to use. The hurt in this could be inmaculate and I bet a good writer could bring everyone to tears if they read a story like this. You don't have to do anything ofc I'll love you either way, I'm not meaning to push you to write a whole story with this concept by any means or to even post this ask, it's just something I made up/ related to this certain song, so I wanted you to see it, perhaps share your opinion or thoughts on it or just think about it. I love pain a lot hahaha bc I'm not a narusaku shipper in any way, I actually dislike the ship a lot.

Thank you for reading this and pls keep up the awesome work!! I'll always be a fan and support you and your spectacular writing❤️❤️

GAH What an awful fic idea you have 💔

“The Ring that Binds” by softwind - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Naruto and Hinata are married.  So why is Naruto calling “Sakura” in his sleep?

“Girl No 10″ by meeiwen - Rated M, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto makes a mistake with a dancer one drunk night.  Years later when he meets her again, he begins realizing his perfect life is a lie, but he’s too late to fix it.

And

“Territorial” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated M, High school AU, Multi-chapter, Complete.  When Hinata takes advantage of Naruto’s desperation for love, they’re both a little too much for the other to handle.

Are similar to what you have there.

HERE’S MY VERY QUICK AND INCOMPLETE STAB AT YOUR PROMPT IT’S UNEDITED UNREVISED CANON-DIVERGENT AU RATED T FOR LANGUAGE BUT I HOPE YOU LIKE WHAT I COULD COME UP WITH 😘  THEY ARE NOT MARRIED BECAUSE I WOULD BE TOO SAD

...

Naruto finally makes it to the Hokage’s office, having had trouble shaking off fangirls on his way.  He can immediately tell he’s the last one there, even though it’s the eve of the Rinnegan Festival.  Tense expressions greet him, the atmosphere somber.

Sakura whips her attention back to the desk before them.  “Rokudaime, with all due respect, I don’t think Naruto belongs on this mission.”

Her behavior has confused him all night.  First moving away from him so that Hinata would sit between them at Ichiraku when Hinata could have just sat on the other side of him.  Then pushing him to follow Hinata back home.  He said aloud that he’d be seeing her later, and that he wanted to catch up with everyone first, but Sakura just glared at him...

She’s been pushing him away, more and more every day, breaking his heart to smaller and smaller pieces...whether knowingly or not, he’s not sure about that, but she’s never rejected him from being her teammate on a mission.

Worried, he meets Kakashi’s gaze.

“I understand your concern, Sakura.”  His tone is heavy.  His usual careless attitude nowhere in sight.  “Call it just my gut-feeling...you’re going to need Naruto’s strength for this mission.”

-

Hanabi was kidnapped.

Hiashi and Hinata are nowhere to be found.

“What do you mean...?” Naruto finds himself asking.  “I just saw her.  We just saw her.  Not even an hour ago.”

“When Sai reported Hanabi’s kidnapping, believe me, Naruto, we moved to notify her family immediately.  Anbu can’t find them.”

“What?”  The last memory he has of Hinata abruptly leaving dinner and running off without hardly a word nags at him, inexplicably tightening his chest.  “She’s fine.  Hinata’s strong.  She can take on anybody.  No one would dare-”

“Naruto,” Sakura interrupts, her gaze cutting sharp.  “She’s nowhere to be found.  And as much as you believe that, no one is invincible.  Not even Hinata.  We need to form a plan, otherwise we’re losing precious time.”

“No one is invincible.  Not even Hinata.”

An emptying numbness invades his insides, discomforting slickness muting him.

This isn’t his fault, is it?

-

What if she needed to tell him something?

She was acting strange at Ichiraku.

Quiet, unusual for her as of recent...

But how was he supposed to notice?  Should he have followed after her, like Sakura said?  But they were supposed to meet at his apartment later on anyway, so why did she have to come out early like that and ruin the good time he was having?  She knows how he hasn’t given up on Sakura.

She knows everything about him.  She’s been his rock after Sakura tried to shut him down for good.  So how can it be that she’d just disappear?  There’s no way.

There’s just no way that she disappeared right after she left...

-

Hours.

Hours of wandering around in abandoned, desolate, war-stricken villages in god-knows-where, and nothing.  No one.

He’s asking for the hundredth time, but he doesn’t care, he’s past the point of desperation, and anxiety-laced tension fills the air.  “Taku, you really don’t see anything?!”  The Hyuuga they have on their team led them into this godforsaken wasteland.

Taku turns on him aggressively, getting in his face in reaction, and yells, “What about you??  You think I’m not trying my best?!  This is my family!  Just because you’re Hinata’s boyfriend doesn’t mean you’re any more worried than the rest of us!  You don’t sense her??”

No.  He doesn’t.

His Sage Mode has never been so useless.  In fact, he senses no one besides them in this place, and it’s with terrible unease that he begins to entertain the thought that she’s gone for good.

“There’s no one even here besides us!  Nothing!  Why’d you take us down here?  Where are we even?!  How do we get out of here in the first place?!” he argues back.

“Sakura-san was right!  You don’t belong on this mission!  I don’t know what Hinata-sama could ever see in you, I haven’t seen her smile in months!”

“What do you mean by that?!  She smiles all the time!  I’ve never seen her act so cheerful in my life!”

“So you fucking know it, too!”  Taku glares at him with an incredulous expression.  “That she’s just acting!”

“What the hell do you mean by that-”

And he doesn’t know what happened next, but Sai’s grabbing onto Taku and he himself is locked in Shikamaru’s shadow manipulation.  Chakra’s sparking off his own hands, while blue embers warp along Taku’s.

“Calm down,” Shikamaru orders both of them.  “We’re not getting anywhere if the two of you keep fighting.”  He waits for Taku to loosen his stance.

Sai lets go of him.

Taku throws an insulting glare around before sauntering off.

Shikamaru sighs.  Hard.  “Go cool your head, Naruto.”  He retracts his shadow, and Naruto wastes no time walking off in the opposite direction, far from wherever Taku is heading.

Yet Taku’s ridiculous words ring in his head.  “That she’s just acting.”

But she said that she’s happy to be with him.  That she doesn’t mind that he’s still in love with Sakura.  She said that she’s just happy to be with him.

She said that.  She did.  And she wouldn’t lie to him, right?

She was just acting?

“You’re not going to finish your ramen?” he asked her on their date last month.

“No...”  Suddenly, she smiled brightly, something she’s been doing more often ever since he mentioned that he’s always liked how genki Sakura is.  “Do you want the rest of mine?  I’m dieting.”

He scrunched his eyebrows at her.  “Dieting?  Why?”

“Well...”  She looked thoughtful for a moment before seeming to come to a decision.  “Naruto-kun, you like thin girls, right?”

He knew she was talking about Sakura.  “...I guess...”

“I want to make you happy,...” she started.  She bit her lips for a hesitating moment before continuing, “so I’ve been trying to lose a little weight.”

“Oh.”  He didn’t know what to make of that.  Unbidden, he looked her over. 

“Can you tell?” she asked, her characteristic shyness lowered her lashes, yet she didn’t fidget under his examination, and he could tell how she was trying her best to have that confident persona he admires in his former teammate.

Despite her recent changes in attitude, Hinata’s still been so physically small compared to himself and everyone else.  Under her jacket, he couldn’t tell if she looked skinnier or not, and even if she was, he doesn’t think she really needed to be skinnier.

But then she looked up at him with that heavy, hopeful weight in her gaze, and he couldn’t let her down.  Not when she’s trying so hard for his approval.

He fibbed easily.  “Yeah.  You look really good.”

She shined another smile at him that made him feel good.  Even if their relationship wasn’t traditional, he could at least still make her happy.  He could at least tell her some sweet words and see her sweet smile and-

She was lying.

She wasn’t happy?

He never made her happy?

Then what was the point of any of it?

No, she must have been happy, right?!  She said so!  She told him so!  Many, many times!

After all, he asked her.  All of those times he thought she was faking her smile, he asked just to make sure, and she vehemently told him that she was really happy to be with him.

She said he could talk to her about all of it.  That she could take on his heartbreak because her feelings were so much bigger than...

“Uzumaki Naruto.”

The unfamiliar voice has him leaping to his feet.

A man as pale as a ghost with piercingly icy eyes is floating down to him on some strange platform.  “You’re really as pitiful as I expected.”

“Who the hell are you?!”  He readies his stance.  He’s not in any mood for games, and he’s ready to let loose some of his stress on this very suspicious character.

“Hinata’s fiance.”

“Hinata?!”  Fire races through his veins, heating his feet, and he’s ready to leap at this guy.  “Where is she?!”

“With me.”

His heart rate exponentially explodes, beating into his ears, his skin practically bristling.  “Let her go,” he demands, and the threat of his words leaks from every pore of his being.  “Now.”

The man almost snorts.  “What makes you think she wants to see you?  You only ever used her, broke her...”  His collected expression hardens, and Naruto can sense that he has no intention of releasing her.  “I’ll make her happier than you ever could.”

Several thoughts fly too quickly through his mind to properly process any of it, leaving only residual uncertainty and that deepening sense of his culpability in her sudden disappearance.  But he doesn’t linger on the unpleasant sensations.  “What the fuck do you know?!”  And he’s charging at him, a Rasengan heavy in his hand.

The enemy is far more powerful than he appeared, immediately blowing him back with some kind of focused chakra.  “Weak, pathetic.”

“GIVE HER BACK!”  He replicates himself a dozen times, each of them throwing Rasenshurikens at the man.

Yet more of that strange yellow chakra protects him.  He’s unscathed even under his shadow clone onslaught.  “No.  I gave her a choice, and she came with me.  I’m just here to get rid of you, take revenge against you for her sake.”

He hardly comprehends the nonsense spewing out of the enemy’s mouth, and he rallies his clones into close combat, but the man manages to avoid many of the attacks while landing hits of his own.

Clones poofing away only to be replaced by more, frustration and fury starting to blind him into sloppier and sloppier moves.

“I love Hinata.  That’s why I deserve her.”

He chokes on his own breath, and in his momentary loss of concentration,...

He’s falling.

------------------------*

aaannnnd that’s as far as I want to go with that.  Imagine the rest of the team arriving in time to notice Toneri making his escape toward the sky, and I guess the rest of the story would sort of follow the rest of The Last...Naruto self-reflects a lot in a bundle of depression for a long time and yeah.

...ahhh...  I encourage you to write the fic you want to see in the world ❤️

[lilacsandwhiskey]

*all pics belong to original owners

*characters belong to Pixelberry

Chapter 5 - Lobster

Pairings: Drake Walker x Riley Brooks (The Royal Romance)

A/N: hello my beautiful friends! I’m super late with posting. When I originally planned on posting, something came up (I got over fear and went and got my nose pierced lolol help) and the chapter never made it. HERE WE ARE THOUGH! Reminder: I’m still taking all kinds of requests, just send them my way:) Much love!!!

Tag list: @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @lovingchoices14 @gkittylove99 @darley1101 @kingliam2019 @tinkie1973 @whiskeyslullabye

Warnings: Maybe language, a little cheesy ngl

*Riley's POV*

A couple of weeks had gone by, and Drake coming over had become a ritual. Except for tonight - he actually invited me over. He hadn't invited me over, always claiming that his apartment wasn't finished, and that he wanted to wait for me to see the final product. I would always shake my head, telling him I didn't care, but he never gave in.

Drake: No need to pick up dinner tonight - I'll cook

Riley: i get to come see your place AND you're cooking... should I be afraid?

Drake: Maybe, Brooks

Spending time with Drake was nice - it was always simple, and I was starting to feel like I could be myself around him. The man I'd met a year ago, that looked like he hated my guts, had now started laughing at my jokes and telling me stories after I pried them out of him.

I knocked on his door with a bottle of whiskey. Drake answered the door with a dish towel thrown over his shoulder. He was wearing his denim shirt buttoned up with black jeans. He gave me a smile before I walked in. "I've brought the goods." I raised the bottle up. "You win, Brooks."

"You have such a nice place, Drake! You were keeping me from it all this time." I took in the dark leather couch in the living room space. He had a minimalist walnut coffee table sitting in front of it with black coasters. His television was mounted on his wall, just like mine was. He had a small black table for two in the kitchen, decorated with his very own place mats. Everything had it's own spot. I loved it.

"It hasn't looked like this for long." Drake was in the kitchen at the stove. I walked up behind him. "And... this smells delicious. How many other secrets are you keeping from me?" "I guess you'll have to just keep coming around to find out." Drake gave me a smirk before turning off the stove. "Can I help set out anything?" "Nope, you're my guest tonight, remember?" I took a seat at the set table, where Drake had started to lay out a gray china set with glasses of water and silverware. "You're more put together than I am, Drake Walker." He just shook his head as he walked over, placing pasta on my plate, then his.

Placing the pot back on the stove, he sat across from me and gave me a smile. "Thank you for dinner, Drake." "I hope you enjoy." Drake took a bite of his food. We ate with small, comfortable talk. I told him about my day at work, about how my dad had called earlier and told me about his new lady friend. Drake asked me how I felt about my dad having a girlfriend. I sighed, trying to gather my words. "I would never be upset at him, he deserves all the happiness. He's dealt with a lot of shit. He dealt with my mom being sick, my brother, hell, even me. I know I wasn't always the easiest to raise, though he'd disagree with that. No one will ever replace my mom, but if this woman makes my dad happy, then I'm okay with it. I can't expect him to live alone forever. No one really wants to be alone, do they?"

Drake nodded as I talked. When I said that no one really wanted to be alone, Drake changed the look on his face, to look as if he was saying, "wellll, not everyone." I looked at him questioning. "What?" He asked. "Do you enjoy being alone?" Drake laughed and sat back. "I'm not saying that I enjoy it, but I do think I'm content." "I guess I'm content too, I just, maybe I romanticize the whole growing together with someone, finding someone that you can just always lean on. Not even just a relationship, I guess, but friendship too. I believe we all have a soulmate, even if it is a friend." Drake looked at me as I talk, taking another bite. "I see what you're saying. I think I've just always lived my life to believe that I was better off alone. I had my best friend, of course, but you know with Liam's situation, I didn't always have him, but he always had me." I knew he meant that in a good way, because I could tell he understood that Liam couldn't always just drop everything and be there.

I felt sad that Drake never felt that he truly had anyone. I didn't know too much about his family, because he never wanted to talk about it. I knew that his dad had passed away when he was younger, and that he lived in the palace. He never told me much more than that about his family. I didn't know about his mom, I didn't even know if he had siblings. And now I was starting to realize, that I did a lot of the talking.

As badly as i wanted to ask, I assumed that he would just tell me when he wanted to. I was more open that he was, and if he wanted me to know, he would. "So, what's the true occasion? Why the fancy dinner and finally letting me over?" I shimmied my shoulders as I took a sip of water. "It's not that special." Drake shrugged, trying to hide his smile with a drink of his water. "It's got Drake Walker smiling, I need to know." He sat his glass down, I followed.

"Fine, I got a job." "Drake, what? This is so exciting! Can I hug you?" I stood up, Drake followed, opening his arms. I took him into an embrace, an embrace I had never felt before. He was strong, but gentle. Comfortable and protecting. His scent was subtly woodsy and warm. I had almost forgotten this was a celebratory hug, and not just a moment for me to drink more of Drake Walker in. I finally pulled back, recognizing that I probably lingered for just a moment too long. "Where at?" "You know that high-end bar, Henderson's?" "Yes!" "I got a job bartending there." "That is awesome, Drake. I'm so excited for you! When do you start?" "Next Tuesday. I'll have training on Monday."

Taking the moment in, we sat back down. "Have you told anyone else?" I asked, attempting to pry into a little bit more knowledge about him. "No one yet, I'll probably call Liam and Savannah later." "Savannah?" I asked, wondering who Savannah may be. A best friend? A girlfriend that wasn't mentioned? A cousin? "Oh yeah, my sister! I forgot I hadn't told you about her. She's my younger sister." "That's awesome!" "I think you'd really like her. Maybe you could meet her sometime." Why did I feel my heart jump at that? Stop it, Riley.

After dinner, I went to clean up, in which Drake put a stop to that real quick. "Have you not learned my rules yet, Brooks?" "Not quite." "I'm just going to have to keep reminding you. Go sit down, I'll pour us a drink." He urged me to the couch. I sat down, crossing my legs and leaning back into the throw pillow behind me.

Drake came over, handing me a glass of whiskey as he sat down next to me with his very own. "Wait, wait, before you drink." I stopped him. "Cheers to your new beginnings." I sat, holding my glass out. "You really enjoy raising toasts, huh?" "Maybe I just enjoy celebrating people." I grinned. "Cheers." Drake held his glass out to meet mine before we both took a drink.

"You've finally gotten around to watching some television, huh?" I asked, as he clicked on his Netflix account. Before he could scroll, his Continue Watching popped up. "FRIENDS?" I asked excitedly. "Damn it, it was going to be a surprise! I was going to tell you I watched it after I finished." "I'm moved, Drake! You actually remembered." I clutched my heart dramatically. "Of course I did. Do you want to watch it? I'm only on season two." "Yes, nothing would make me happier."

Drake turned on season two, episode fourteen of Friends. I recognized the episode as soon as it started, to be the one where Rachel watches the video of their prom night, and how Ross stepped up to take Rachel to prom. "I love this episode so much." Drake looked over at me with a smile. "I have to say, I'm enjoying the show quite a bit." Drake raised his arm up, lazily throwing it over the back of the couch, just barely around me. Drake was leaned back into the side of the couch, and I was now kicking myself mentally for sitting so far away. And now, I was kicking myself for even thinking he was trying to make a move. As much as I tried not to find myself attracted to Drake to keep a friendship going, it was impossible.

The way he looked at me, the way he rolled his eyes and laughed right after. The way that he laughed at my jokes when I could tell how hard he tried not to. The way he listened to everything I had to say. The way he cared about things and would text me on the late nights I had to work and wasn't able to see him, to make sure that I made it back to my place safely. All the little things and all the moments.

"I need to use the bathroom." I said. "Sure, right there." I felt like I was back in high school, plotting a way to get a guy's attention, because that was exactly what I was doing. I walked into the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. "Get yourself together, Riley. What the hell are you doing?" I whispered. I flipped my hair in front of my shoulders. My makeup was still as plain as every other day. I waited a few more moments before I walked back out, recognizing that he would probably wonder why I was in and out so fast.

Finally, I walked back out. Instead of sitting on the other side of the couch, I edged to the middle closer to Drake. Drake's arm was still sitting lazily across the back of the couch. I attempted to keep my eyes on the screen, until I felt Drake's arm finally fall from the back to my shoulders. I fell comfortably into his side, praying he couldn't hear my heart beating through my chest.

Interrupting my moments, Drake started laughing. "What if I grew my hair out like Ross's in this episode?" "I can't tell if I would love it or hate it. I think you should give it a try. Get a perm and everything." Drake's arm tightened around me throughout the rest of the episode. I felt myself getting very comfortable and deepening my body under his arm. I felt my eyes fluttering, in which Drake kept looking down to make sure I was awake.

My favorite part of the episode was coming up. Rachel finally walked over to Ross and kissed him. "See, he's her lobster!" I grinned as I sat up. "See, everyone has their lobster, Drake!" He just shook his head as he sat up with me. "I think it's about time for me to head back over. I don't think it'd be too great if I fell asleep here, you wouldn't be able to wake me. I sleep like a rock." "That's okay, it is pretty late, huh?" I stood with Drake following me to the door.

"Thank you for dinner and sharing your news with me." I gave him a smile, before he pulled me into our now second hug ever. "Of course. Thanks for celebrating with me." "Oh shoot, speaking of celebrating. I know it's a short notice, but Saturday night, Daniel is throwing me a birthday party. I'd love for you to join in. I understand if not, but I'd love to see you there. I can text you the deets." "Hmmm, I'll have to think about that one, Brooks. Will there be whiskey?" "That seems to be all you care about, but if that's what will ensure your attendance, then yes, there will be whiskey." I smiled as I opened the door. "I'll see if my calendar is clear." "Goodnight, Drake." "Goodnight, Brooks."

[ingravinoveritas]

Fuck, I'm so sorry.

The emotions you're experiencing are, as I'm sure you know, absolutely normal and valid. I don't think there's much to do other than just fight your way through them and come out of this experience stronger. You're such a strong person already. I'm very sorry that you have to feel these things, but the won't be forever. I know for a fact that you'll get through this. Again, you're super strong, from everything you've shared with us in the past alone. It's going to be okay. I think you need to hear that and you should allow yourself to believe it, because it's true.

I think our community here will always be there to try and distract you, if that knowledge helps. If there's anything you want or need that'd be in our power to give, I'm sure we'd all be happy to help in any way we could.

I'm also really sorry that someone came for you on here. Never really liked Bumblesnuff Crimpysnitch's fanbase, they can be toxic. People can be toxic. You're so much better than that, though, remember that. And you should totally stand by your point, we're all having your back. In fact, I am quite confident that Michael himself would throw hands to defend it, that's how right you are.

Please go easy on yourself. Allow yourself to feel all these things and know that they aren't for forever. Brighter days will come again as well!

Thank you so much, Anon(s). I apologize for being radio silent on here for the past few days, but so much has been happening and I’ve hardly been able to process it all.

This is my cousin Seth (in yellow), me, and my other cousin Clint (his brother). This was my first trip to California at age 3. They ran out of food on the plane and my parents had to feed me Cheerios that they’d brought with them. I remember sitting in a stroller surrounded by a sea of legs as we traversed through Knott’s Berry Farm.

The next trip was when I was 11. I remember the courtyard of the building my aunt lived in. Having dinner with my dad (Mom was on a trip to Italy) and aunt and Seth and Clint, and me choking on a mashed potato, which I immortalized in the diary I was keeping at the time.

The visits were fewer and farther between after that. I was diagnosed as being autistic, and life became more and more complicated. My aunt moved to Maryland for a while and remarried in 2003. I was the only girl among my cousin and his brother and the groomsmen, and I remember being on a pier near the water, where we took pictures. Seth put his arm around me. It wasn’t a familiar feeling, but it was still family.

Four years ago, my mom and I went to San Diego again, for a conference where I was speaking. Seth was still living with my aunt, and gave up his room so she could sleep there, with Mom and I taking my aunt and uncle’s bed. We went for pizza at an outdoor restaurant, the air still warm enough even in October. A plane soared overhead, drowning out our conversation. I remember the lopsided grin on Seth’s face. He was a surfer, ever tanned and freckled. We celebrated my aunt’s birthday, rolling yebedah (grape leaves stuffed with lamb and rice) in their kitchen. Seth sauntered downstairs to join us for dinner. Chill.  Far too laid back for my neurotic East Coast sensibilities.

But he was family. I posted about my cousin’s passing which was on Friday, and then the next day (Saturday) was that event in my old fandom that I wasn’t sure about going to, and, well...I did go, and it was sort of a nightmare. I was attacked (verbally) by a woman I know/who knows me, in the fandom. Accused of terrible, untrue things that basically boiled down to me being a bad person who is hurting the band, and that I didn’t deserve to be there. It was petty high school bullshit, and eerily reminded me of how the girls would come up to me in the school hallways. The difference now is that I have self-esteem, and am no longer riddled with anxiety.

So I stood up for myself. Told this strident harpy of a woman that I wasn’t here for her lies and game-playing. And still, it hurt. I couldn’t enjoy the show. I wanted to be anywhere but there, especially after only hearing about Seth’s passing the day before. Fucking hell, priorities, people. Other things matter more than being tiny queen of a minuscule fandom.

How am I feeling, then? I’m here. I’m alive. And so appreciative of everyone who has reached out--both of you Anons and the ones from the other day. I wish I could talk to Michael about it, though. Well, about David being prettier in drag than BC, but also about my cousin. I wouldn’t expect Michael to make sense of it because it doesn’t make sense, but I think he would say something lovely. He’s never responded to me on Twitter, though. But maybe someday.

Thank you so very much for writing in, Anons. Your kindness means more than you will ever know. x

[talkwithmarcy]

Art Thieves Must Be Eradicated

Okay, I can't believe this will be my first post to tumblr, but it's bothering me so much that I want to get it out somehow.

I understand that we have different perceptions of art theft. However, I want to make a point clear that if you are using someone else's art, stuff or property without permission and refuse to comply to any request that requires you to give the property back, refrain from using it or give credit to an artist properly, etc, I count that as theft. I know there are also people who try to defend their actions by saying, "If they don't want people taking their stuff, they shouldn't put it in public." Yeah, well, we put Mona Lisa to the public, but that doesn't mean people can just take it and leave. Plus, that is equivalent to a rapist or a mysoginist saying, "Well, if you don't wanna be raped, then you shouldn't have look so hot in public." I can wear any clothing in public, but that doesn't mean I would be okay for someone to just steal my clothes. It's a dumb excuse.

The reason why I brought this up is because of my experience WITNESSING an art theft.

There is a youtube voice actor named Israel's Night Time Voice Audios ASMR. He had a series where it has this mafia plot and I thought the story was interesting so I got intrigued to listen to the series. However, 4 episodes in, you have to continue the series in his own website, not youtube.

This website acts as if it's his own patreon, it's almost like a member-only website and there are videos that you can play only if you pay for it. Now, when I looked for the series, in his thumbnail, he used a character art on 4 videos. And this art is from an artist who said they don't want other people to use their art for anything, whether it be for role-playing, repost, videos, etc.

I commented to Israel and I told him not to use it because the artist doesn't want people to do so. I told him I like his stuff but I don't want him to use art when the artist does not give permission. He says he didn't know the artist and he used it because there were other who do the same thing. So I told him then next time, to be safe, try to research the artist of the art that you would use in your thumbnails so you wouldn't have any misunderstandings about being an art thief.

But OH BOY, little did I know that I will found out that this was no misunderstanding.

He then say it is impossible to research every artist of the arts he uses in his videos. While I agree with him on this one, this just lead to the question of why not just don't use it then? I've seen youtubers who used art because they know they got permission from the artist and they would take down any video when they found out the art was stolen. And for those of you who want to say, "but there are others who are doing the same", that's not a good excuse. If you know it's not good thing to do, don't do it, otherwise, you're the asshole here. But either way, he then said he will change it soon, he said after his dinner. So I thought things will be okay and settled.

When I checked the next day, it was still there. I thought he forgot, so I reminded him. 2 or 3 days later, I reminded him AGAIN. Keep in mind, I have not call him a thief or anything, nor insult him or bash him for not removing it yet. But he responded angrily, and tells me that this will be my last comment, saying he is doing it out of good faith even though Youtube doesn't require him to do anything, and said that it is on his to do list and he will take them down.

Now, if any of you want to say I was pushy, that's fine, I agree. However, Israel does not have a right to police me or anyone from reminding him to take down arts, that he used without permission, ESPECIALLY when he promised to do so in a specific time.

Him also saying, "I'm doing it out of good faith because youtube is not even asking me to take it down", is NOT a good defense. He's essentially saying, "Listen, I'm a good person and you should feel lucky that I'm doing this because I'm SUCH a good person." Shut the fuck up, I beg of you.

Also, him saying Youtube doesn't tell him to do anything, yeah, no shit, bruh. BECAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN ON YOUTUBE, it's in YOUR members-only website, WHERE YOU CAN MAKE MONEY from these videos. Youtube won't do anything because it's not within their power or it's not happening in their territory. Meaning if you don't wanna take it down, the artist won't have any power to put in a copyright claim, BECAUSE IT IS YOUR WEBSITE.

Also, how long does it take to just change your thumbnail?

Months later.....It's. Still. There.

It's clear now that he told me to back off, in hopes that I will forget about it and he can secretly still use the art. So he lied, didn't have the decency to ask permission before using someone else's stuff, didn't even bother to at least give credit when I told him who the artist was, and he tried to act as if he was in any right to tell someone to back off when he is in the wrong.

(Here are screenshots)

It was one thing to say it is impossible to research every artist of the arts you use and basically just saying you don't wanna do it at all, but then to lie to sneakily still use it after being told that you are not allowed to, you're really asking for a fight there. I’m not gonna bother commenting to him again, cuz I know either he will ignore, tell me to shut up again, or block me from his channel.

Anyways, that is the whole story, I’m sorry that this has to be my first tumblr post but yeah, stuff happens. The reason why I’m so mad at this is because, I've seen art theft a lot and some is way worse than this. The whole thing piss me off, even though I’m not an artist myself, but because of people like this, I’m afraid of posting art in public. I made a fanart of Twisted Wonderland uniforms but I'm weary of sharing them because of this, even though I really want to. And I've seen these entitled assholes who would go far to even erase an artists' signature.

Thanks for reading, and remember, respect artists' demands with their art. Even though some are made public, that doesn't mean you have the right to do whatever you want to them.

[anxiety-banana]

hey

i wanted to remind everyone of something.

things get better.

i'm currently struggling with a lot of stuff. but as of today (november 16, 2021), i'm a year into eating disorder (ed) recovery.

i struggled pretty badly from around july through november. i was constantly hating myself and all i was seeing was failure. but then a friend reminded me of things that i couldn't remind myself, and i started getting better.

this is about to get really deep and emotional and in depth, so i'm warning you now

(longer version below the cut)

i have two specific memories i'd like to share. first of all, tw for ed's and purging, and overall crappy mental health. i'll put ======== at the beginning and end of the nitty gritty details if you'd like to skip them <3

========

the first memory is about me when i was out with my family. it was after church, and everyone was going out to eat chinese. this was at a point where i was trying to go as long as possible without eating anything, and when i did eat it was as close to nothing for lunch, and a little bit of whatever dinner my mom made.

i was just told i was going out to eat greasy, fatty food, surrounded by people. and for those who don't know- that was probably my worst nightmare.

i sit down, eat as little as possible (two forkfuls of rice and a chicken finger, to be exact), and excuse myself to use the bathroom. i'd tried purging before, but i could never make myself actually do it. i still didn't, but i tried so hard, and i was in tears a couple minutes later, still not having actually purged.

i wiped my eyes, fixed my makeup, and walked back out feeling like a failure. it's one of my worst memories regarding this time.

my second memory is a slightly better one. i don't remember specifically when this was, but it was after the previous incident. i hadn't eaten anything since six p.m the day before, and it was one p.m. then. i was starving, and drinking water to try and stop it. the only thing that did me was giving me cramps because my stomach was begging for real food.

this is when my sister in law stepped in. i was shaking, something i hadn't really experienced to this magnitude before. my hands were shaky and i was cold. she looked at me, and having been in an unhealthy situation similar to mine, she told me to go eat something with that look that said "i don't know what's happening but i care about you."

i went and made myself a sandwich, screaming at myself the entire time.

i ate it, then went and ate a bowl of cereal after that because i was still so hungry.

i think that was the first time i remember ignoring my messed up brain in that way. i often think about the first incident where i felt like nothing but a failure, but i like to think about the time that i fought back, even if i didn't feel it then.

========

lastly on this little (big) explanation as to why i felt like i needed to make this post, i want to tell you why i know the exact date i started healing. november 16, 2021 was the day i was texting my friend, who had started catching on to what was happening.

he basically just told me "i'm scared for you, and i don't know what's happening, but i need you to know that this isn't healthy and i need you here with me."

no one had ever told me that.

people told me they loved me, sure, and they cared about me, but not with such raw fear i felt in what he had said.

i don't know if i still have the conversation, but i went and wrote a song about what i was feeling (i've been writing songs for five years or so), and instantly something clicked. i looked at everything i had written and cried because i suddenly saw how sick i was.

there's even more of an explanation here but i thought i should tell my full story, in case someone needed to hear it.

one year later, and i'm still struggling with other mental health things, but i can say that i just ate caramel apples without a second thought. it is such a good feeling, and i promise that if you're struggling with something similar, you can experience that.

it feels so hard in the moment. because you keep trying to convince yourself that what you're doing is somehow right, and that you'll be better. that you'll be in control of something, finally, that in some convoluted way, how you look and how small the numbers are will define who you are.

nothing physical can define you. if someone tries to make it so, they aren't worth your anxiety. they aren't worth you losing your sanity.

and if you haven't heard it recently, i hope you know how much i care about everyone struggling with anything similar, and i want you to know that there are more people than you realize who will help you. and if you don't think there are, find them. because you don't deserve to fight alone. my biggest regret was not going to anyone until after the fact.

i promise it'll get better, if you only let it. your thoughts can't control you. you can fix things, and not by starving yourself or erasing the food. you can fix things by trying to understand that your body knows exactly what it's doing.

i love you. and so many people do too.

i hope you can see what others see in you: worth, outside of your body.

[monomonomagines]

Can I please get a drv3 boys monster au w a human s/o? I'm sorry if this is vague and you can choose the monster each boy is!!

Heyo, Anon! I had a lot of fun with these since I love writing about monsters. However, I ended up making these way too long so I’ll post this in two parts. I hope that you’ll enjoy it even if I got a bit overzealous.

Part 1

(Part 2 here)

Rantaro (Vampire)

As vampires typically are masters or seduction it isn’t much of a surprise that you met Rantaro through him bringing you home one night.

It was surprising at the time though, when he thought you were asleep and was looming over you with his fangs visible.

Thankfully, Rantaro is still pretty civil as a vampire so he struck a deal with you when you were about to scream.

Basically, he’d do whatever you want as long as you’d allow him to drink from you.

You could have anything, he had riches as well as a body that you could use however you wanted to.

However, instead, you refused. You agreed to let him drink from you but only in exchange for him targeting no one else.

He allowed for you to move in with him even and you began your symbiotic relationship. One that would change into a romantic one as you grew to get to know this vampire.

He was surprisingly kind and gentle for a monster even when he’d drink from you.

He’d care for you since you’d still be kind to a monster like him and would end up confessing to you after instigating a candlelit late-night dinner.

“I love you S/o, stay with me forever.”

Ryoma (Nekomata)

You had been on a late-night stroll in the mountains when you came upon a strange makeshift tennis court.

Despite it being strange you didn’t think much of it until a deep voice rang out from somewhere in the mountains.

“You know you’re not supposed to be up here, right? No one comes to the mountains. It’s dangerous up here.”

Why was there some disembodied voice here? As you’d struggle to respond you’d hear that same voice ring out closer this time, as though it was below you.

“You do know the legends right? There are monsters in these parts.”

Ok. Time to get out of here! You’d start to run across the makeshift tennis court, ignoring the voice when you’d trip over something.

Is that a dead body!? Before you can scream you catch sight of a two-tailed cat slowly ambling towards you, the same deep voice coming out of it as it says menacingly.

“You shouldn’t have come here.”

As scared as you were that’s when an idea hit you. You’d propose a deal. A match of tennis actually! You were on a tennis court after all so he must like games.

“Wait wait wait! You like tennis right? Well then let’s play a match…you can play right?”

As you looked down again that same cat transformed into a small man with cat ears and a tail. The rumors of a nekomata were true!

However, he seemed intrigued by your proposition, ignoring your shock as he asked for the terms of this “game”.

“If I win, you let me go and if you win you can….you can kill me or whatever it is you do.”

“Deal.” He agrees rather quickly to the match, throwing you a racket from who knows whereas he’d give you a small amused glance.

Whether you were ready for it or not he’d play at his full capability, not even allowing you to get a single point.

You were done for you’d think when he’d only smile at you. You never gave up that whole match, he was impressed so he had no choice but to change his terms.

“You lost, but you never lost your spirit. Even if you have a long ways to go in tennis, I do with spirit. I won’t kill you. I’ll stick with you.”

What? As much as you were happy to not be dead you were confused. He was going to come live with you? But as he said he did exactly that, walking alongside you on your trek back home as a cat.

Now you were stuck with a rather affectionate, albeit weird looking house cat that can turn into a man. Did he like you or something?

You can’t complain since you got to live but Ryoma will definitely show his love in some unique ways.

Korekiyo (Naga)

To say that you’d expect to be caught in a trap like a wild animal when you went into the forest would be unthinkable.

But here you were, now hanging from a tree in a large net that albeit was trapping you was also quite spacious.

What kind of animal was this person even trying to catch you’d wonder to yourself as day was beginning to turn to night.

You’d sit there for hours until it was the dead of night. That’s when you’d begin to be lowered into something’s grasp.

It was too dark to see but once you were brought back to some sort of cave still in your bounds you’d panic.

“Do not scream or else.” A voice gently but firmly orders.

You immediately quiet yourself, fearful of dying when you’d be pulled out of the net and bound to the cave walls.

You didn’t dare to speak or move out of fear of what the voice would do.

As you lay there you’d hear some shuffling when the figure would suddenly light a torch within the cave revealing itself to be a naga.

He was going to eat you. This was it you thought when he instead began to embrace you.

“Ahhh such beauty.”

Beauty? What was he?

“I was planning on killing you but I couldn’t bring myself to do that to someone so breathtaking. I’ll just keep you here, alright?”

Unlike with the others, Kiyo is immediately enamored. You looked so similar to his sister before the hunters got to her and left him here alone.

The way that you squirmed it all reminded him of her and it drove him mad.

He’d treat you well even for being in a life of captivity. He was rather affectionate even if he could be a bit sadistic at times.

You could tell he was lonely. From what you heard from him his own sister had died leaving him all alone but that really didn’t make the whole kidnapping thing all right.

You’d have to agree to stay with him for him to let you free and even then he’s stuck to you like glue.

He’d need a lot of help with healing after losing the only person he had left but after he’d be as loving as even Rantaro.

You saved him, and he was never going to leave your side.

Gonta (Frankenstein’s Monster)

You lived near a lake, so you were used to seeing some animals come near it to drink or to lay by but you were quite shocked when you looked out the window to see what looked like a human body hunched over it.

Worriedly you’d stepped out of your home when you’d notice the giant human figure jump at its own reflection cast in the lake.

“Are you ok?” You try to ask gently enough as to not scare it when you notice it jump again, this time to cover its face from you with its hands.

“No, don’t look. Gonta is so ugly you’ll scream!”

He’s so ugly…you’d scream? What did he mean by that?

“I won’t scream, I promise so don’t worry. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

“You won’t scream?” He asks innocently like a child.

“I won’t scream.” You promise, giving him some time to think.

At first, it seems like he’s just gone quiet but then you notice him moving his hands away from his face.

When you catch sight of it you can’t help but gasp.

He wasn’t ugly at all. However, as soon as you let that sound escape he does flinch.

“No no no! I wasn’t being scared just now it’s just….you’re really pretty.”

“Gonta is pretty?” He looks at you with wide eyes with a small bashful smile. “No one ever calls Gonta pretty.”

“Well, I think you are.” You add. He definitely was a freak of nature but he wasn’t as terrible as he thought. He should know that.

“Oh thank you!” He picks you up into a bear hug in his massive arms, swinging you around as he declares that he should stay with you now.

“Gonta love you! You only one that show kindness to Gonta, so Gonta never leave you!”

Wait, isn’t he like seven feet though? Also doesn’t he have a home to go back to?

When you’d try to ask you definitely wouldn’t expect for him to tell you that some people set fire to his house because of how he looked.

This poor baby. You couldn’t leave him out here so you had no choice but to kidnap someone’s science experiment.

At least he’ll be shown some love for once though.

[joyisntyoj]

04: LETTERS TO NOBODY OR MAYBE MAYARI

Seal stamps, stamps with whatever designs, papers and pens, stickers, pictures, dried flowers, heartwarming messages, and a lot more.

When was the last time you wrote something on a literal piece of paper for someone?

Have you ever personally given someone a handwritten letter or sent it from the post office?

Is writing a letter still a thing today, or you just use whatever app you have because what is the point if other ways are more convenient, right?

Maybe, you are more the vocal type of person and, you just say what you feel instead of writing it down?

Perhaps, you are none of the above because what is important is your presence in their lives and, that is more than enough?

Still, how lovely it is to keep something that has sentimental value. It unnecessarily means that you are hoarding something because what's to not treasure from precious memories in a small piece of paper in an envelope?

This story is for those who never get tired of expressing themselves in whatever form they know, but most especially to those who write.

May you never run out of papers, inks, and thoughts to compose. to more unforgotten memories preserved in letters.

^^^

To: Mayari.

How are you? I wish things were getting better, just like what I always pray. These days, sleeping at night suddenly became serene as well as waking up in the morning. Sometimes my days are dull and typical...I believe? But most of the time, it's either I'm feeling blue or extra sad, or was that the same? I kept on blaming the pandemic, but for real, I'm just a mess. Silent battles are truly tough. I wish I had the courage and strength just like yours. Be safe. Stay sane. I'm really trying my best to be legit all right.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Liway is the name, exhausted with life. Mayari, someone out there, maybe a supreme being or plausibly not always receives Liway's letters. Sometimes Liway writes 10 messages at once and sometimes none at all. Mayari is the only recipient of such letters that even Liway never knew they were received by the random recipient it thought was just nobody. It all genuinely started on having a recipient written on the "To:" part at the post office. Though seriously, it doesn't even have any home address. It's super weird that it's for Mayari and no address, and were received.

HOW?

^^^

To: Mayari.

The night has come. This time, it feels heavier than usual. Tears are suddenly falling. I noticed that an unwelcome visitor came. The familiar pain is hugging me again, so tight that breathing is getting harder. I hate everything. Yet, I came to realize a lot of things. Afterward, I'm feeling blessed and grateful. Am I getting crazy? Before I went to bed, at the dinner table, I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had, my family, about myself back then. I really hate it when they keep on bringing up what happened in the past. I already moved on... I think... so can they stop mentioning those moments? Honestly, whenever anything from the past is introduced again and remembered, I tend to feel like it just happened yesterday. Everything is coming back so fresh and new; fun, pain, sweats, and tears. I hate it.

PS. Mayari, can you send me some courage? Preferably in capsules, So I can have it in my intakes and be sure I'll be really having it in my system literally.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Continues writing so many letters filled with how living is like. Liway felt tired and exhausted. A few days ago, it was super overwhelmed that crying is unavoidable. Then this morning, Ms. Walmy called for a little chat and checking up because it's never too bad to check up on somebody, most especially when you're a counselor. It's your job, so uh? Anyway, though Liway was out of focus on the call, it was able to be accomodating and warm in return. It reciprocated the thoughtfulness with a sweet smile.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey! Today I was mad because firsthand, I experienced that thing I usually hear from other people. The "don't-post-something-revealing-on-social-media-but-love-yourself-but-that's-not-appropriate". Well, I don't even know why I'm reacting super outrage towards it. Because knowing that my family is just concerned for me since the internet is frankly scary. I mean, I did nothing wrong, so why? Maybe deciding to be confident on the internet is not necessary for them. But for me, it is! So how should I deal with this? A friend consoled me, and I feel better. Still tho, my mood is already ruined. Oh gosh.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

 Liway.

Welcoming a new week, the usual Liway is busy with the household chores. Some may find it stressful, but this one is pretty different. Scrubbing the floor, washing the dishes, brooming on the side. Later on, folding the clothes, fixing the bed, and a lot more things. It looks like it'll be tiring its body out until the nose bleeds, and passing out is the last resort to rest. How come it's easier to clean an actual mess than the one inside the head and heart?

^^^

To: Mayari.

Beloa visited me today. My childhood and the only friend left I have up to this day from elementary school. If you get what I mean? It's been a long time since we had a chat, especially that things are super complicated these days. She's doing really well, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm still amazed at how we manage to be friends because we both don't like each other to begin with. It's so funny that we even pulled each other's hair in the 4th grade while the class is taking the annual picture for the school year remembrance. What are the odds in this even, right? HAHAHA. Today was warm and bright.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Dates suddenly don't vary in these letters. Even the concept of time is somehow gone. What's important is regardless of not having these "important details" like the usual, Liway can keep up and be consistent in sending its letters. Liway never missed a chance to send a letter to the address less recipient, which left the post office staff to ponder with it. But as time goes by, Alle, the clerk, is no more surprised 'coz she's used to everything now. The envelopes unfailingly vanished the moment it was dropped inside the mailing box. Indeed, a magical mailbox.

^^^

To: Mayari.

I never knew how amazing pretending could be. You know that thing where someone usually says I'm okay, but really not? The inner saboteur that was triggered by their trauma is real-real-real. A car is useless when it's not moving if you wanted to travel to faraway places. Does that make sense?

PS. It sucks that our bathroom is the only "semi-safe space".

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Polar bears are really fascinating. They get to hibernate. Then, after the time being, back on hunting and living their lives. Ligaya was one of Liway's hero. A lot knew Ligaya for being a superhero, although she does not have that fantasy powers. Just like the polar bears, too, Ligaya has been hibernating for quite some time but kept on saying that she was not. Liway saw it all. Maybe a bear's hibernation is different from a human-being, hmm?

^^^

To: Mayari.

IDK what to say, but I just wanted to be consistent at the very least in sending you letters.

PS. The radio was broken, but in my head, it's working. It kept on playing nonstop music. Is this a poetic way of saying I'm overthinking things?

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari.

A lot happened lately. Somebody lost a precious one, and here I am, having a renaissance moment. It's a crazy ride, but for all it's worth, the pea has grown into a beautiful plant. Hope it made sense coz finally, everything is making sense to me now. Little by little, slowly and surely.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey!! I hope you are doing great!!! These days, everything felt surreal. I get to be active everywhere. It's draining, yet I feel so alive than ever. I had this thought that time is indeed just a concept, hmm? I mean, anytime is the right time to do what you want and whatever it is. Nothing is too late, most especially when it comes to growth. OH, being late in class still counts but FOR REAL RIP TO THE ONLINE CLASS SETUP -_-

PS. May we never run out of time to be the best versions of ourselves. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT. fck the situation, but SOON, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. SPEND FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. FEEL EVERYTHING.

PSS. May we leave this world with fewer regrets and more amazing memories.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Quite a lot of letters were already sent. The post office is getting more and more letters, as well as Mayari. Still, NO REPLY. Maybe some other, Liway will be able to hear Mayari's words.

^^^

To: Mayari.

*here's an envelope just in case you want to write me something*

With so much love annd kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

'Tis the season to be jolly. LOL Nah. Liway has been out for the past weeks. By out, means on a hibernation mode. A L O T R E A L L Y happened. It's hard to put it into words. I guess Liway will end these letter-sending shenanigans or just lazy and trying to give out some excuses //

^^^

To: Mayari. 

Ever since I was taught how to move around the kitchen, I've been assigned to be Mom's assistant while cooking for the feast every event/occasion we'll be celebrating. It's tiring but super fun. Getting your fingers bleed and while unaware is cool LOL~ 

PS. Why does it feel so good to overthink things while doing the dishes? What's with that scenario.........

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Tireless hands, heart, and mind with countless thoughts and feelings, papers, and pens everywhere—WRITING; it surely is one of the best ways to vent. Though letters can’t hug and wipe one's tears, witness waves of laughter, ease the pain, and such, the comfort from every word written is more than enough.

Suddenly time barge in and reminded me that this is enough. THIS IS ENOUGH FOR 2020...

A new chapter has arrived, and maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe this is where it all gonna stop for a while. I mean, writing is somehow tiring, literally. Probably, Mayari might reply with the number of letters sent anytime soon, so maybe waiting is all that needed.

No rush in moving on.

MAY YOU GET THE REPLY YOU LONG FOR SO LONG.

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND HAVE COURAGE.

BE KIND ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Little did nobody know, Liway is writing a letter to her "ideal" self.

The letter-sending-to-nobody thingy of Liway is really mind-boggling, right?

Mayari is Liway. Liway is Mayari.

The things that Liway wanted to say but cannot articulate well were always sent to Mayari. Mayari is the version of Liway it wishes to become in the future. 

The weak Liway longs and hopes to have "that" someone by her side to look up to. That's why she always writes letters and keeps them in the memory box.

The post office thingy was actually her shared room at home: the table at the corner with no lights but so much mess. It's that post office.

It's pandemic, so how can a post office be open and how brave she is to go out, right?

That saying, "be the hero you wanted to have when you were little", is the best explanation of Liway's way of venting and expressing.

Nobody knows when Mayari will come to life because it's no certainty that we can be the ideal self we all wanted to happen. 

For now, Liway is fighting her battles and screaming louder to the universe,

UNTIL WHEN DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?

To be continued...

Happy New Year, Mayari. ✨💜

This is like an excerpt from my quarantine shenanigans for 2020 LOL.