#i'm to fucked up to find the right prayers in my book right now lmao

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

In the early 1980s, my mom came out as a lesbian and her mom told her "fine, but don't talk about it in front of your cousins" talking about my uncle ron's youngest daughters who were young teens at the time.

And for a while mom went along with this, but then her middle cousin started becoming more and more visibly a lesbian in the closet herself, so my mom said fuck it, and brought a partner with her to the next holiday so she could show her cousin it was okay to be herself.

My uncle ron putters over to this giant of a woman (mams always did like her butches over 6ft), looks her up and down, shakes her hand and slips her a gin and tonic, and then turns to mom and just says "cousins is cousins" and wanders back off again to chat with one of his kids.

I grew up my whole life hearing that phrase. Cousins is cousins. And it wasn't just about blood, it was a found family thing, you know? From inception, the whole point of this was "kiddo, I love you, and so I love anyone who loves you like they're my own." I think a lot about what it means to be a man like that with the weight of family obligation and generations of religious trauma on your back, and still look at this young woman you watched grow up and say that loving someone and being loved by someone will always matter more than anything else, no matter how important that other thing might be to someone.

I don't think the man ever understood a goddamn thing about my gender, but I know he loved me and he was happy that I was happy, and he was tickled pink that I liked the idea of aging into him.

[ioniansunsets]

✖ Heartsteel!Kayn Birthday Special ✖

✖ Heartsteel!Kayn Birthday Special ✖

✖ Word Count: 836

✖ Tags: Established R/S

✖ A/N: I think of this as a 10pm-2am party on the 30th so Kayn can quietly pretend its a party for his real 31st Birthday.

----

It was irritating, he'd have to admit. A full day of media and paparazzi chasing him. All he wanted was to by your side, to celebrate with you, to not have to phase through walls just to hide from the crowd. The crowd that was even worse than usual because it was Halloween night. He clicks his tongue as he pulls his facemask up to hide away from the crowd.

" Gods help me."

He whispers angrily under his breath. Almost like an answer to his prayers, Ezreal pops up and drags him down an alley, helping him to slip away from some fans and find his way to the club that you told him to meet you at. It was the usual spot, Heartsteel's favorite bar, the bouncers already waving to let Kayn and Ezreal in.

" Everyone's waiting LMAO! You're so late." " You're late too loser. The fuck you on about!"

Ezreal laughs as he flings the doors open. You, with the help of some others in Heartsteel booked out the entire club for Kayn this night. A hustle and bustle as K/DA and some other friends of Kayn's hang out, laughing and drinking. Cheers from everyone as he walks in, everyone wishing Happy Birthday on what he personally thinks is the wrong day. But attention is attention and he can't say no to a little fun at night. Everyone in little Halloween costumes, high fives, loud laughs, awkward hugs he talks to everyone, socializing and thanking them for the wishes. Yone graciously DJ-ing for the party, Akali pointing him a middle finger as they make eye contact but showing up to the party anyway, Sett and Aphelios trying a hand behind the bar to make drinks for the party. K'Sante sitting by a table talking to Alune and the rest of K/DA. But still, something was wrong, he sees all his friends but where the hell were you? The you who was arguably the most important person to him. The you who were the one who invited him here anyway.

" Happy Birthday Kayn!"

At the sound of your voice he perks up, immediately putting his drink down to turn and find you. As he spots you a little away he basically runs over to throw his arms around you, lifting you up and giving you a little spin as you hug him back.

" My favorite person! Where the hell were you! I'm only here because you told me to come by the way."

He sticks out his tongue in mock irritation, arms still around you the whole time. All the attention and well wishes from everyone could never compare to your love. Ah how he loved your smell, your cute laugh, your stupid teasing smug face as it stared at him. He leans down giving you a quick kiss before letting go. Resting his arms across his chest waiting for a good explanation from you.

" Took a while because I had to get this finished for you."

You defend yourself, you hold up a present for him. It was small, suspiciously small for a gift for someone as amazing as him, but it was from you so like hell he won't complain. Picking up the box for your hands he holds it up, shaking it a little, no noise. Curious now he opens it, face immediately lighting up. He puts the wrapping down behind him as he holds up the gift.

" Oh fuck is this...?"

You nod as he examines it, a custom guitar strap. Designed like his recently solidified aesthetic from the Paranoia MV, bright colors, a yellow base, pink, purple and green accents with an imitation of his signature down the strap. Little handmade patches of him and Rhaast on the corner, hearts the colors of all the boys around the middle, and finally your initials sneakily sewn in the underside next to Kayn's right where the strap would meet the guitar, there, yet hidden from view so he could still use this on stage. A beautifully thought out way to have something of you near him all the time, even when he was on tour, on stage or in his studio. How personal... Kayn laughs, a hand returning to pull you into him, he leans down close to your ears as he growls out softly,

" Damn babe...you're going to make me emotional."

A blush rising up your face, Kayn turns to give your cheek a quick kiss. A hand sneakily rising up to wipe something away under his eyepatch. You take note to tease him about it later.

" All custom made and details hand sewn by the way, I got K'sante and Sett to help me."

" Thank you. Amazing gifts from you as always."

After a quick kiss on your forehead, he pulls away from the hug, hand wrapping around yours as he drags you to the bar, the brightest smile on his face as he gives Aphelios a nod to make drinks for you two.

" Now let's properly celebrate together."

[queer-crusader]

got a bunch for the admit stuff ask 😂

10, 24, 25, 43, 48, 50, 63, 74, 78, 85, and as an added bonus hatecrime, 68 😘💖

LMAO BUDDY YOU GOOD?? That's a LOT of questions 😂💖💖

10. What is the last beverage you had?

Water lmao, but it's a WARM day here and I'm trying to stay hydrated so I've got my big sippy water bottle keeping me company 😌

24. What do you want right this second?

Mmmm... Good question. I'm actually quite content, but I could REALLY go for some more of the French cider I had yesterday. Apparently Lidl should stock it. My dad has failed to find it. A mission must be carried out tomorrow. It will remain warm and I require more cider

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

HELL YEAH LET'S GO, ENJOY YOURSELF

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

I mean they weren't like an actual crush but definitely embarrassed myself in front of the cute guy in college by very much NOT picking up on a social cue that I was third-wheeling. Well. Fourth-wheeling even. Please don't ask for details. It's real fucking cringe

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Yes I do and I WILL treat you to as many Hozier concerts as I feasibly can from the echoing depths of the bathroom

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

I have!! Both a classic medieval one and a modern one with scope, which was cool! The modern one was naturally easier and made me feel competent, but. Well. You know me. A slut for the middle ages. Classic wooden bow is my one true love 🥰

63. First concert?

Oh shit I'm not sure? Probably the Nederlands Blazersensemble (Dutch blowers' ensemble) when I was 6, but given that my dad goes to a LOT of concerts for his work and has taken me to several throughout his life, I might've experienced one at even younger an age. My first one I went to without my dad and from my own money tho was Hozier in 2019, and I've seen him twice since 😊

74. What is your favorite book?

Ronja the Robber's Daughter by Astrid Lindgren will live forever in my heart 💖 along with the Wee Free Men series by Terry Pratchett

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

THE AMAZING DEVIL. PLEASE IM BEGGING COME TOUR AT A SMALL LOCAL VENUE NEAR ME AND ALLOW ME TO GET TICKETS ON TIME BEFORE THEY'RE SOLD OUT. THIS IS A PRAYER TO WHATEVER GOD LIKES ME ENOUGH TO FEEL BENEVOLENT. I WILL FEEL MY SOUL ASCEND AND I WILL SOB.

85. Are you patient?

With others? OH YES. Almost too patient, perhaps. But I have all the time in the world for most people.

...With myself? Well. Uh. Yeah no if I don't get something right or can't get what I want done, I get FAR more easily frustrated. You uh. You may have noticed 😂😂

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

LMAOOO I mean I RARELY listen to her music, I know like 5 songs so choices are limited. But right now I'd say Florida, which she's done in collaboration with Florence + the Machine, whom I love. It's a really nice summery song that is on my summer playlist and I enjoy it! So HAH, not as much of a hate crime as you thought 😂

.

Thanks for asking all these!! Feel free to send me more 💖

[lordeasriel]

ATTWN: A Look at Miss Brent

I keep circling around the idea of writing And Then There Were None meta, like a full, proper analysis of the novel, but I just can't settle down on how to do it, cause I do have many thoughts, but I can't seem to organise them in a way it will make sense. But-

I was thinking about Miss Brent today, and she's not exactly a character I have that many thoughts compared to Vera or Armstrong, but she certainly has my interest. What strikes me stronger about her is her complacency, in a way.

Let's look at the novel first: here's this sixty-something woman, a spinster who takes on girls from local charities/orphanages to train them into proper maids or whatever. It's not an unusual thing for that time based on the rest of Christie's novels, it seemed like a common occurrence for the period. At any rate, she's very righteous, uptight, her belief is almost borderline fanatical, she never hesitates over her "innocence" in front of the accusations, and the thing is: she doesn't deny shunning the girl away.

Unlike the others, who remain resilient on their innocence (Lombard the exception cause he literally confessed right away), Miss Brent never denies that she did refuse to help Beatrice. In her own mind, she didn't do anything wrong - and if we're going there, in its fucked up way, she technically didn't do anything wrong. She had no familial attachment to the girl, she didn't have to do anything for her legally speaking; morally, of course, she should have but we don't arrest people for being morally corrupt lmao Let alone death sentence them. *coughs*

But what gets me it's her complacency. You know, I'm blaming this on the windy day, but thinking about her, sitting by herself almost all the time (including when she died), she never does anything. Unlike the others, Vera included considering how Christie often writes the women isolated, Miss Brent never gets involved in either investigating or helping them to find a way out; she just sits and knits and eventually bosses Vera around or say some mean stuff to someone. She doesn't act, which is odd for us as a reader; I mean, if I was in her spot I would have already made a signal for help, even with the bad weather lmao This book heavily traumatised me anyway--

Miss Brent doesn't act, that's my main point. In her head, I suppose she expects some sort of divine intervention, in its way; not a miracle, but you know, she expected her righteousness guaranteed her safety. She sees the other deaths as punishment, she thinks them all guilty, perhaps not the General or Wargrave, but I've no doubt she considers the rest of them wicked and deserving of the punishment, but never herself. She didn't do anything wrong, she has got nothing to feel sorry for. There is a whole section, where Vera asks Miss Brent if she is not afraid or if she simply doesn't mind dying. To which she reacts exactly like I said before, like she was above them all, like death wouldn't come for her.

Now, I will just vaguely go over the show because I think their choice of handling her was an interesting one. I like most of the choices made by show, except the ending which I'll save for another day of ranting, but Miss Brent in the show behaves similarly, but her background gets deeper. For one there was two key things - I say two because I've seen two different interpretations of this - and they were 1) repressed lesbian and 2) predator. Now, these two could coexist with each other, she could have been taking in girls to take advantage of them, but I don't know, I think it would be hard for her to do that always, so I like to think if repressed lesbian was it, then it makes more sense for her crime and her reaction. It would be related to a feeling of betrayal - "I've given you a home, a job, affection and you still went behind my back to be a whore" - and it's something Miss Brent would probably not acknowledge. She was always too religious, too righteous, so Beatrice probably haunted her more in death than she did in life: no one would believe this ragged girl over any accusations - even if there was consent on her part. But that's just beside the point.

What I mean for the show is, they go in a different direction. Miss Brent's reactions over the murders are a little more in line with her religious dynamic for the show: when Tony dies, she makes a little prayer, she worries about Mrs. Rogers state when she sees her passed out (despite the fact she humiliated her earlier over being meek and weak and so on), she has a judgemental attitude towards Vera, but even that comes from a place of almost understanding? She still judges them harshly, but she is a lot less harsh to the ones she consider less harmful (aka she is absolutely distasteful about Lombard, whose crime is easily the worst crime in the show and she thinks so).

Of course, all of her views and beliefs and behaviours are based on her own lifestyle, so she is a bit blind and biased - when Lombard points out about the missionaries crimes in Africa, after she calls him out; or when she states she couldn't imagine crossing paths with a man like him, despite the fact she knows well enough they're all there because they're guilty - so she is bound to hypocrisy every now and again. But her fanaticism from the book is turned into a proper, religious attitude; she does abide by the Bible, she condemns very little her other companions (I mean, she still judges Vera over her youth and her inertia, she judges Armstrong's lack of calm, she judges Lombard because well, because of his Existence™ lmao) She is, of course, judgmental and vain and arrogant, but this is less cartoony and more realistic. More importantly, because her beliefs are much more ingrained in her life, she is afraid. She is genuinely afraid and that is an important, key change that I genuinely like.

Miss Brent has faith, at first, that they will leave the Island, so she stills acts very coldly at first and of course, she still denies her guilt, she still claims she did the right thing and Beatrice caused her own undoing. But, the show pursues the idea that Miss Brent, upon being reminded of the event, starts to feel guilt: when she is praying she hallucinates Beatrice (hallucionation was a choice they did to convey these feelings, but you could just claim that's a memory in her head); and more importantly, before her death - which happens the day after she hallucinates - her demeanor changes entirely. She goes from trying to stay calm and resolute before the tide, to feeling weary. That's important because unlike Book! Emily, she is fully aware she has committed a sin, and now whether that is her neglect of Beatrice's pleas or her own feelings for her, that's beside the point. The point is this woman realises she is very close to meet her maker and the burden of having sinned wears her down.

Miss Brent also adds "It's only wool" when Vera is pouring her coffee (which I had to crop cause Gif size), which is her redirecting her distress to something mundane (in another scene later, Vera mentions how doing the dishes is a mundane task, which she finds soothing. In fact, seeking a sense of normalcy is a recurring theme for the show, but also for the book) and ordinary. Vera, of course, notices her distress over being hunted; she shares the feeling, and I don't want to focus too much on Vera because I'll talk about her eventually later, but this shows how Miss Brent changes drastically.

On their first conversation after the dinner, Vera's impression of Miss Brent is of an uptight, self-righteous, straight-up cruel woman and she avoids her if she can help it, and truth be told, Miss Brent does act very badly and says bad things, Vera is not being touchy about it. So when Vera lays the coffee tray, she is ready to walk away before Miss Brent addresses her (she even makes a dry remark on "There is no milk, I'm afraid", which is meant to spite Miss Brent's earlier attitude over asking for perfect eggs after Mrs Rogers died and so on), and Miss Brent talks so unlike herself, a weariness that makes Vera reconsider and come back, to pour her coffee. She feels sorry for Miss Brent, because she finally cracked like the others; Miss Brent knows now that no amount of faith might defend her from this killer, because this killer has got nothing to do with a justice kill.

She stays seated, knitting again, but when she reaches for the coffee she hesitates. She realises Vera could have poisoned it (before entering the room, since she watches Vera pouring the coffee), and then she puts it down. There is a sense of danger in her, and she has no desire to die, unlike in the book where she so casually just stays behind, unafraid in her own attitude of superiority. I like this change a lot; I think showing her fear before her God enhances her religious mania a lot more, because she truly fears Divine Judgement, because she understands, deep down, that she did a bad thing; maybe not murder - I mean, it wasn't murder after all - but she still did a morally bad thing. If there is a Heaven, it won't be for her.