#i'm stupid yr honor

[burningvelvet]

on percy shelley & human connection & coping through art

to set the mood of this post i must say i'm writing it really quickly on my phone over a bowl of pasta with bread & broccoli & some orange flavored sparkling water & im still dressed in my outdoor wintery clothes (all black, knee boots, wool, silver chains & rings, although i mostly prefer gold jewelry).

so anyway today i've been kind of sad over ppl not replying to my texts & my usual reaction is to say "ok, guess i'll kms, wah wah, cry cry" but this sort of passively cynical joking schtick has gotten old & i would rather occupy myself some other way instead of moping about failed connections or the difficulty of initiating contact with anyone or the struggles of modern socialization as a whole.

instead, i will read the works of percy shelley tonight, and think about how he struggled with all of this over 200 yrs ago. of how hard he struggled to make leigh hunt and lord byron collaborate with him on their journal the liberal, and how he struggled all his life to build a positive community even in spite of years of bullying, ostracization, and family strife - he often felt like giving up, and like human connection was impossible, but he never gave in to apathy and instead he continuously curated his ideal life by seeking out other like-minded people, even when he occasionally embarrassed himself in public or when others were decidely averse to him or lukewarm in their reception. john keats didn't entirely take to him when they met and some of keats' friends straight-up disliked percy for being weird, but percy (though scarcely knowing him) loved keats as a brother-poet nonetheless, was generous to him, wrote one of his masterpieces in his favor, and died with a copy of his poems in his pocket.

percy always reached out to others and was a loyal friend even when others disrespected him or ignored him or just simply didnt love him as much as he did them. his letters to lord byron show how reverent he was to his friend, and how his affection was never returned in quite the same gusto, but, while still trying to keep his self-respect, percy quelled his frustrations and continued his correspondence with byron regardless. percy acted as the mediator between byron and claire even when his stress was so high it weighed heavily on his health. he actively tried to choose to be positive even when the people around him were negative or miserable. like most writers back then, he sent his writing to his idols, and sought mentorship from people he admired, like william godwin and leigh hunt, and he continued to respect them even when they took advantage of him financially (moreso in godwin's case).

anyway what i mean to say is that whenever im feeling lonely or rejected or alienated or socially stupid or am just second-guessing my role in society or whatever whatever whatever, i cling to creativity/art/literature/etc. even harder than i regularly do, because thats what it exists for.

i knew a therapist (not one i saw as a patient, but someone i knew through mutual interests in media/the arts) who said that a certain musical performance we both loved probably saved way more lives than any single therapist ever has. - the performance in question was david bowie's tokyo 1990 live recording of rock n roll suicide, an anti-suicide song (its available on youtube, go watch it lol, he performs it with so much conviction).

any way even though at the end of his life shelley sometimes felt like he was failing to achieve his dream of building a utopian art commune - he actually did succeed in introducing several people to each other in ways that changed peoples lives. his friends jane williams and thomas jefferson hogg got married only through his mutual friendship. whole literary societies have been started in his honor - to this day there are conferences & whatnot that meet annually - his life & writing continues to inspire people and bring them comfort - & he would be extremely proud of that - any artist would. the main goal of any famous dead writer is basically to become the imaginary friend of their future readers & he accomplished that - even though all the time he was wracked with doubt/depression/suicidality/illness/chronic pain, etc. - as a political/philosophical radical, he realized that having hope is one of the most influential & radical things one can do - & i'm glad that, even though this is a person who died over 200 yrs ago, there is at least one person who really resonates with me - even though we're from different centuries, different continents, different sexes, etc. - it's helpful to have positive influences to look up to, especially when they've also struggled in similar ways as you. and although shelley was pretty privileged (rich englishman) he really did struggle a lot mentally & physically - his life was a chaotic mess - and he wasn't perfect at all - but i think he's still inspirational for my previously mentioned reasons - his ceaseless hope. the last poem he was working on was titled the triumph of life, even though he wrote it during a deep depression. the last poem he published in his lifetime was hellas, which he hoped would raise money for the cause of greek war of independence. from the poem:

"Life may change, but it may fly not;

Hope may vanish, but can die not;

Truth be veiled, but still it burneth;

Love repulsed, — but it returneth!"

[pumpkinnning]

rewatched bridgerton s1 and now i'm trying to understand why it's bad (spoilers) from a writer's perspective

* criticisms about the inaccurate costumes or over the top music or lots of ballroom scenes or lack of serious worldbuilding are silly to me tbh the show makes no pretense to be sth its not, this is like criticizing YA for having emotional teenagers or horror for being bloody. just say its not yr thing and move on

* obviously the interesting themes of sexual education and agency and empowerment are completely fucking ruined by the sexual assault scene that's not framed as such just because the perpetrator is a woman. there's no coming back from that

* even beyond that though the romance is badly done. there are some seeds of sth that could be interesting but it all stays so shallow and underwhelming. the actors have little chemistry i don't like the way Daphne is played

* the scene with Daphne saying she likes Simon's mom's favorite painting bc it reminds her of the peace of early mornings in the countryside and feeling alone yet at one with the world is very charming but also i was like....yes and ? are they gonna bond over liking the peace and quiet together? nature ???? sth else ??? as if it comes across as very...Omg Surprise Woman Capable of 1 deeper thought = hot !!!!! or is it just about her being like his mom (ew). good example of how attempts at depth can fail if they're not connected to deeper themes and character dynamics

* they make each other laugh with sarcastic observations about the behavior of the people around them and the shallowness of social games. like the prince complimenting all the other women's dresses. this would work with characters who are outspokenly critical of society around them. But their connection is that same kind of shallow. And so much of their romance needs us to buy into the social rules and games. The appeal is omg Daphne is the Prettiest and the Diamond and the most specialest girl ever and Omg Simon is this important Duke and isn't it romantic that they're forced to get married for stupid reasons because of honor based rules. And Daphne visibly cares so much about making a good marriage within the rules of society. So these moments feel disingenuous or like they're just being assholes (but without even truly commiting to it and making it fun!)

* the Duke talks about how they're best friends. but i never got that sense of begrudging respect that develops when antagonists start to like each other. Or that they actually liked spending time together. The only thing that i can think about is her punching Berbrooke (he likes boxing so that's an interesting parallel) and making moves on the Prince that force him to consider she's not just a naive little doll. And the bits of witty dialogue. but that's just not enough.

* this is supposedly about Daphne's sexual awakening but yet there is so little real sensuality. she stares at his arms a bit. he tells her to touch herself. its so basic and bland. giving "everyone is hot and no one is horny" vibes. every romance at its core, even the more chaste ones, eroticize something, and the deeper it goes into their characters the more impactful it is. i don't know what this is eroticizing beyond the fact that they're both hot and it's a Good Match tm. the appeal of the innocent virgin vs. rake who is supposed to educate her and show her the wonders of sex is cut down by the fact that he's witholding information, lying and manipulating her the whole time. and not teaching her much either tbh. that's not hot. it's a story that could be interesting if done properly but tbh it doesn't belong in a fluffy wish fullfillment romance, it's too sordid and psychologically complex and unpleasant (like that is horror romance territory lmfao)

* the sex scenes are a key part of this. i'm not against explicit scenes on tv when well done it can really contribute to the dynamics and be really hot (there's nothing wrong w that) but here there is just this fundamental disconnect btw what they're trying to sell us - the focus on Daphne's pleasure, the sense of freedom and liberation after all that repression - and what is actually happening in the plot, him trying to distract her and lying to her. that's not hot and it's weird. secrets and fucked up dynamics can be hot in a sex scene but you have to acknowledge it somehow, not present it as perfect honeymoon bliss. Unless you're in the close pov of a character who's completely unaware - which is not the case here. We know what Simon is doing ! we can't just set it aside.

* the conclusion scene where they're both standing in the rain and she tells him he doesn't need to be perfect to be worthy of love is beautiful in itself. it's a beautiful message. what is so disappointing is how they get there. Simon isn't given the time to heal from his own trauma - he's strongarmed in a way that feels extremely manipulative. She tries to force him to impregnate her against his consent, then she goes through his private correspondence and tries to guilt trip him into changing his mind, judging his deep and private pains and trauma in a flippant way and telling him he should get over it if he actually loves her. of course he shouldn't have lied to her, but that doesn't make her actions ok. the whole thing is just incredibly unromantic to me. there is no genuine growth happening. Simon ends up being a nothingburger of a character bc he is so reactive and one note. when he's pissed he gets drunk and hits stuff. that's basically it until Woman Shows him the Way. the actor tries his best with the smoldering soulful looks. but that only works for a bit.

* there is absolutely an uncomfortable racial element to this. she's an incarnation of this image of white womanhood that is supposedly morally and emotionally superior and is going to teach silly men how to live properly ; i don't like this dynamic much already. it's bioessentialist it puts women on this pedestal that's actually a burden and makes it impossible for them to be truly human ; it's terfy and smug and self righteous and honestly insufferable. And it's much worse when it concerns a man of color

* really it's mindboggling to me that so many people gave the green light to this. but i think it's a testament to the idea that there are some "normal" elements of sex that couples owe to each other, and also that marriage and having babies is the one right way to happiness and health. ofc this wouldn't be strange for the time period - the weird thing is more that they assumed modern viewers would find this romantic, because, again, this is designed to be wish fullfillment, not historically accurate, and the kind of wish this is fulfilling is yucky honestly.

* Daphne is just not a very appealing character by modern standards, tbh. she's very passive, and she cares the most about following the mores of her society and getting the picture perfect ending that is mandated for her as a woman ; whatever agency she develops is strictly in pursuit of that, and she goes about it in this manipulative way with a sense of her own superiority that comes from privilege, sticking to social rules and gender norms. she will have her babies and insure the triumph of the aristocratic heteronormative family. it's, again, not a surprising narrative for the era, but it feels deeply incongruous for a show that handwaves accuracy for the sake of diversity and female empowerment and wish fulfillment everywhere else

* i still remember enjoying the show on first watch until ep 6 - because its light silly frothy tone is just so fun and entertaining, and the side characters are really compelling, and there are just not enough rom coms these days. it's really the saving grace of the show they're able to listen to criticism and were able to change the way they did romance for s2

[xazz]

Sometimes I get mad at the way Lucy Stillman got treated by Ubisoft and by the fandom

Girl was like barely out of fucking college when AC1 came out. 21? 23? Something like that. She was barely an adult and send deep end into enemy territory by her cult leader (Assassins are a cult, don't @ me) and then basically ignored. Then when she was found out the man she was working for offered her protection if she switched sides. And we all know what Templars do to Assassins.

But for some reason she was absolutely fucking DEMONIZED by Ubisoft and the fandom because she let Clay die. As if we don't go around murdering people out of mindless need to restore your honor or to get revenge for your family. What the fuck was she supposed to do in this situation? Rescue him??? Endanger herself when her people wouldn't even save her and and she was their man on the inside of a super top secret Templar project and they found out about her. Girl was trapped.

"she was a double agent"

Fuck you

She was barely a fucking adult being toyed with my grown ass men. Have you met a 21-23 yr old? They're stupid. I was stupid at that age too. So were you. And you didn't have to wake up every day terrified you double agent deal was going to suddenly be over and you were going to be tortured or murdered. Her just standing there and letting Clay kill himself when he was deeply, deeply, fucked up from the Bleedinh Effect doesn't make her a bad person.

Lucy Stillman deserved better and yeah it's been like 10 years and I'm still fucking mad about it

[shezasag]

something incredibly specific but extremely annoying is the stupid number of emails i get from colleges wanting me to apply & framing it as like all these scholarships i can apply for bc of my grades/membership in honor societies like leave me alone! even if i were interested in a non-philadelphia university i wouldn't be able to as a 30 yr old junior in college (with next to 0 in savings who will be starting part time work for the first time in years in the next few weeks) uproot my whole life to move to a college for undergrad

like no!!! go away!!!! i'm already signed up to have a seamless transfer with all my credits intact i'm not interested!!!!

[tulakhord]

i was tagged by @ratcrimed to post the last line of a fic i wrote -- thank you and also asdfhjkl here ya go:

On his left, Leon muttered, “You’re supposed to be chirping him, not captaining him.”

i will tag @arzoensis​ @crawsley​ @rusesdeguerre​ @raylangivins​ @tristanjarrie​ @amazonplanet​ @violetmoods​ + whoever else is writing rn :) 

[set-in-stardust]

hello!

whats your favourite fall out boy song? only just started listening to them :)

- o/

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CHOOSE AAAAA

they've been my favourite band for like forever okay

I'll give a top ten in no particular order cuz I can't choose

Fame < Infamy

Honorable Mention

I've Got A Dark Alley and A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)

I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me

Grenade Jumper

The Pros and Cons of Breathing

Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes

27

Where Did The Party Go

Calm Before The Storm (the 2003 Evening Out With Your Girlfriend specifically)

I had such a hard time choosing even those,,, I like their older stuff before sr&r a lot better (obvs from that list lmfao). Folie is rlly good,, infinity is rlly good,,, cork tree is rlly good,,, take this to ur grave is rlly good,, evening out with your girlfriend is so good and I'm glad they finally put it on Spotify this yr

Yeah I think u get the point but I highly recommend those

[secret-engima]

How do Serah and Snow end up reuniting? Maybe when a Tenebrae delegation visits Insomnia when Nyx is already a Glaive? (I'm thinking about Ravus' reaction to these two and I'm pretty sure I just heard Snow groan in exasperation. Lightning finally approved their relationship! Now he needs to get another sibling's approval? What does he need to do, save the world again?)

Hmmmmm tricky. I’m not sure if the invasion is gonna happen (probably? Probably is? Idk yet) but I’m thinking that yea, if they aren’t invaded and Zagreus smuggles his entire family out to safety using magic (and probably sticking Alexander on the Nifs which OOH boy did they not come prepped for that) to Insomnia, then it would be a delegation visit.

Either way I’d say they don’t run into each other until Luna is like ..... 14? 15? Teenager. Young teenager. Too young, and Snow knows that, but that’s okay, he is content to wait after that initial teary/hugging reunion. It’s all very heartwarming to the reincarnates and surprising to the adults who know about the reincarnation thing (which is kept a secret from most people, it’s just like- Regis and Co, Sylva, and Fang’s mom who know). Whether they live in the Citadel now after their country fell or if they’re just visiting, Nyx is on guard duty when he first sees her, and at first no one envies him getting picked to bodyguard the Tenebraen royal family.

Nyx on the other hand is Over The Moon™. Alarmingly so to his fellow Glaives and Lib. This is because Nyx ran into Lightning pretty fast after coming and joining the Glaive and so he knows about the reincarnation and when Lightning learned who Serah was she OF COURSE told Snow. Who is now quietly vibrating in place, hoping to see her.

He does.

Their eyes meet.

She doesn’t recognize him. Which ... yea that hurts but it’s understandable, he looks nothing like Snow.

So Nyx quietly makes his way over in a moment when everyone else is distracted and shyly offers, “Her Highness” a gift. It’s a necklace he made himself, the same as from their last life, though this time the little Cocoon charm is one he carved out of the ivory of an animal fang he felled in the jungle. Luna freezes at the sight of the gift, looks up into Nyx’s face and sees Snow looking back, hopeful and adoring and oddly shy.

She forgets for a minute that she’s 15 and Nyx has to be at least 18 and over to be in the military and snatches the charm with reverent hands before pulling him down by his uniform for a kiss. Snow, who does not know how old she is, appreciates the gesture but pulls away quickly to help her put on the necklace and also to sort of hide the fact he’s crying his eyes out.

Lightning comes over, having witnessed from across the room, fully prepared to gently remind Serah that, adult she might be in her mind, she is currently only BARELY legal and should not be seen kissing someone 7 years older than her please don’t give Snow reason to commit seppuku for “shaming your honor” or some such nonsense sis.

Ravus gets there first and it’s only Nyx’s training that saves him from being skewered. Snow/Nyx looks into FURIOUS, hateful blue and purple eyes and feels a headache coming on. Lightning stops any murder from happening and Luna tries to talk her brother down because SHE surprised Nyx with the kiss not the other way around, but Ravus had seen the gift giving and is firmly set in assuming the Worst™. He throws a fit that attracts attention and Regis and Sylva are gearing up for Discipline of poor Nyx until Lightning rolls her eyes and says like- the safe word they’ve come up with for when a incident is happening because of Reincarnations.

Nyx, Luna, Lightning, Regis and Co, and Sylva excuse themselves somewhere private (without Ravus, much to his fuming) for an explanation and learn that Snow and Serah were married in their past life and kinda ... forgot themselves for a sec. Nyx looks so genuinely horrified when he learns Serah is only 15 in this verse (which is like- the year of or a year above the age of consent in Lucis BUT STILL) and just about falls on his face apologizing and looking miserable while Luna keeps trying to make him feel better by insisting SHE was the one who kissed Nyx not the other way around, Nyx hadn’t even TOUCHED her, he was just trying to reintroduce himself and reveal himself as her Snow.

Sylva feels a headache coming on, but can’t find it in herself to dislike the glaive who looks torn between being utterly smitten with his wife-of-a-past-lifetime (who is also her daughter) and utterly horrified that he accepted a kiss from someone physically 15 (yes he loves his wife, yes he knows she’s mentally an adult, yes he knows that’s over the age of consent but EVEN SO if he’d known he would have resisted the kiss, he wouldn’t have TOUCHED her because Snow is a honorable romantic Sap and Galahd had very strict rules on romance anyway).

In the end, Nyx gets to keep his head and his job, and Sylva agrees to let them keep seeing each other (mostly because she’s not an IDIOT and knows her daughter will straight up run away if denied her husband) but lays down some ground rules for their interactions until Luna is 18. Nyx agrees readily, thrilled that the ground rules allow for platonic dates as long as there is a chaperone always present and they don’t go past hand holding and the occasional hug (Nyx loudly agrees to this rule, Luna rolls her eyes a little but also agrees). Lightning verbally gives her blessing for their relationship, which is when they learn Lightning and Serah were sisters once (now REGIS has a headache from how fast his MINE™ instinct screamed to the forefront) and Luna proudly wears the Cocoon charm Nyx made her.

They step out of Regis’s study and Nyx comes face to face with a vibrating-hate Ravus. Oh yeah. Him. The middle sib who is NOT in the know about reincarnation.

Nyx edges away because He Likes Life and Sylva tries to explain to her son in private what’s going on but like-

Ravus is stubborn and kinda stupid about his stubbornness when it comes to his sister.

He DOESN’T BELIEVE THE REINCARNATION thing. He thinks it’s a sham that this filthy 22 yr old Galahdian has somehow sold to Luna and Sylva and everyone else and when he hears the Princess of Lucis is agreeing with it he promptly hates her too (then he remembers his big bro Zagreus is betrothed to Lightning and hates her even MORE).

Snow sighs quietly at the ceiling. He JUST got through with this didn’t he? Winning the approval of a frosty, stab-happy sibling? What’s he gotta do this time? Save the world AGAIN?

“Drop dead.”

“Can’t, then I’d miss my wedding in 5 years.”

*garbled angry screeching from Ravus*.

Also then rumors slowly get around the glaive about Nyx seeing the PRINCESS OF TENEBRAE and Lib firmly, FIRMLY refuses to believe it because the Princess is one, royalty, and two, only 15 and Nyx has HONOR thank you.

Then he sees them when he’s off duty one day, the day Nyx made up a poor excuse to go off on his own and now Libertus is watching in dawning HORROR from across the street as Nyx and Luna take a leisurely walk in the park, not even holding hands since Luna is using her hands to gesture as she tells a story, while Nyx beams like an openly love-sick idiot.

Ignoring the fact that Cor the Immortal is RIGHT THERE as a Chaperone (not that he needs to be, Luna has to be sneaky just to get Nyx to HOLD HANDS with her because he’s so freaking skittish of breaking any rules or doing anything dishonorable), Libertus storms over ready to Throw Hands with his best friend on the Princess’s behalf. Luna is touched but exasperated, Nyx looks like a kicked puppy.

Ravus, brooding furiously from afar, decides that THIS Galahdian he grudgingly approves of, if only because Libertus punched Nyx in the face before Cor broke it up.

Libertus ends up dragged before Regis and Sylva for a explanation and then needs to sit down. Because on one hand reincarnation, a twice-born, makes SO MUCH SENSE. On the other... his best friend’s past wife is the current PRINCESS OF TENEBRAE. WHAT IN THE NAME OF IFRIT.