#i'm still. more than 1hr away but

[drivestraight]

as we approach midnight EST... thank you to everyone for reading and liking my fics 😊 i've published less words in 2024 (241k) than in 2022 (287k) and 2023 (254k), but i think i've WRITTEN more than in 2023 (actor au... you're at 30k rn but you'll be a 2025 baby...) and the stuff i've written i can be really proud of more than in past years, and i've produced a lot of my favorite things i've ever written this year, especially the stuff i posted in the second half of the year (ETA and anatomy of a joke are my standouts, i think) and all the new tropes and ships i explored, and i'm so happy you guys have been liking them too :) i was really honestly expecting ppl to stop reading my fics when i pivoted ships and drivers but i'm so so happy many of you have stuck with me and that i've gained a lot of new readers. and friends also. you know who you are. also a special thank you to everyone who's drawn art for my fics, talked to me about my fics, and left a comment or kudos. ik i don't typically respond to ao3 comments but please know all of them are beloved and read a million times over. also if you're here and reading this... thank you so much for bearing with my more than occasional crash out on tumblr... and i know i haven't been responding to many asks lately as i used to but i really do have fun talking to you all 🥹

anyway. have a happy new year everyone :) let's keep it going in the new year.

[spidey-strange]

Romeo, Romeo...

I am now living in a post Romeo & Juliet world. It might well be the only time I get to see it, but honestly what I saw on Saturday is going to stay with me forever. I wanted to put it down into words - my review of this play.

The first part of the experience is the music. We were in the bar and this repetitive rumble sound played over the tannoy, signalling that we were being called to Verona. We took our seats and we waited, all while more and more haze appeared across the sparsely-set stage and the music bore deep into my soul, gnarling and industrial, giving a sense of dystopian doom and foreboding. By the time the lights went out and the video screen showed 1597 in bright red lettering, I was already feeling a nervous nausea and an elevated heart rate.

This play is asking you to pretend, as much as they are. There is no set. There are no props. The actors stand like statues, dotted around, sometimes deep into the back of the stage as if ghostly apparitions. Sometimes the actors talk freely, other times they take their place behind mic stands as if part of a debating society. What happens on stage is coupled with video footage of other actors scattered around the bowels of the theatre, in the narrow backstage corridors, or even the theatre bar (and, of course, the roof). The fourth-wall breaks that often punctuate the end of these short video pieces eally pierce into your soul, looming over you, much like the mood of this whole production.

An example - as Mercutio lay dying, the camera is right in his face so you get the full pain and rage of him as he screams "a plague upon both your houses" and takes his final breaths. All the while, Romeo stands metres away, covered in blood, seething with unbridled rage, tears mixing with the blood of his friend.

The interval moment that follows literally made everyone gasp, a jumpscare that absolutely warrants the gravity of the moment. I won't say more because if there's even a 0.1% chance of you seeing it I don't want it ruined.

The second act of this play is decidedly quieter than the first. Clandestine conversations, whispers between characters, the comedy, gone. The deaths of Thibault and Mercutio loom large as the reality of the consequences kick in. Juliet remains defiant to the last - this is a Juliet who really knows what she wants (supported by Nurse, who is more like an older sister character full of kindness and friendly age-appropriate advice). As the end draws near, and the inevitability of what's about to happen (let's face it, we've all studied it at school, we know what happens!) becomes apparent, the silence in the theatre speaks volumes.

This production challenges you to see the traditional story through a far darker lens, and the blank spaces leave room for the oppressive mood and music to thrive and grow. It asks you to find answers in the quiet as much as the loud. It might be the best known love story of all time but the added weight of the staging proves everything hangs on the final line: "For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

Now. Acting. And oh boy was there acting. I'm going to start with Mercutio (Joshua-Alexander Williams) and Paris (Daniel Quinn-Toye) - two actors who are in their first professional production. What pressure, and how they dealt with it. Particularly Joshua-Alexander! I thought Tomiwa Edun, who played Capulet, Juliet's father, was immense - so sinister in his delivery, he had me convinced he was head of a family and of a gang empire. And Freema Agyeman as Nurse was wonderful, as I said earlier, giving this big sister energy and providing delighful lighter moments against the shade. HUGE mention to Nima Taleghani who not only was an excellent Benvolio but also edited the original text to make it a 1hr 45 version that was powerful and punchy.

Now, our main stars. Francesca Amewudah-Rivers as Juliet was incredible. She was headstrong, she was poised, she was dynamic and still at the same time. She portrayed a Juliet desperate to be free from the confines of her family, but clear that she knew what she wanted from the love (and escape) she sought. The second act belonged to her, her stillness lingering.

And the reason I fought for a ticket, Tom Holland. I've seen him at film premieres and press events, and twice playing golf, but the opportunity to see him do what (as fans) we all know to be his true calling, was irresistible. And oh my God. Honestly I was blown away by his portrayal. Brooding, emotional, at times so quiet you had to strain to hear his lament. And then rage, euphoria, shyness, a fumbling lovesick idiot. Throughout the production he provides so much range, but also so much depth, it's impossible not to feel everything he does.

To see him, clearly in his element, providing a soul to Romeo that I've never felt before - I couldn't be prouder as a fan. For too long he has been tarred with the brush that he is not a "serious actor". As fans we know that The Devil all the Time, Cherry, and The Crowded Room are proof otherwise. This should be the moment the world realises he is INCREDIBLE, to be taken seriously, to be given the respect he is long overdue.

I wish beyond words that I get to see this play again. I hope at the very least it gets an NT live screening so that fans around the world get to witness this amazing, unique, innovative production.

Violent delights indeed have violent ends.

[pablitogavii]

Hii it’s me! I was wondering if you could right a one shot where the reader gives her boyfriend(Pablo) silent treatment.

It really means a lot to me if you can write this.

(Your biggest supporter and fan<33)

Before the story, what the hell was that game against Getafe!? 🤡

Regrets

Pablo was on the plane back to Barcelona and you knew he was angry and frustrated especially after the lost penalty chance.

Pablo did have a temper but for a reason because he hated injustice and always wants to prove something wrong when he can. Unfortunately, that usually end with him getting a yellow card just like during today's match.

Luckily, the flight was only 1hr long so he was almost home. He texted you when he got to his car and you smiled still very excited to see your boy and hopefully make him feel better.

"Amor.." Pablo walked in and you heard him sound like her was out of breath which made you walk up to him with a worried face.

"Hola mi campeon..give me a besito!" you walk up to him going on your tip toes and kissing his lips while resting on his chest. He winced and you pulled away looking up at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"Que pasa cariño??" you say and he takes off his shirt showing you gauze on his chest which made your eyes widen and gently touch his wound. On the screen it didn't seem like he got this seriously hurt.

"Díos! Does it hurt you a lot cariño??" you ask and he takes your hand away while shaking his head walking towards the living room and plopping himself on the couch.

You went to your bag to grab some pain medication and a glass of cold water bringing it to him. You sat down besides him seeing that he was clearly in no mood but all you cared about is that he wasn't in pain.

"You should take the pill cariño..it'll help you" you say brushing his hair with your fingers gently and he just closed his eyes shaking his head 'no' per usual acting stubborn.

"Do it for my love cariño??" you move closer laying your head on his shoulder and he sighed taking it from the table clearly more annoyed.

"You're giving me a headache so now I need it!" he growled and you felt sad but decided to ignore it knowing that this was only because of the bad first game of the season. He does the same when you're moody on your period so it's fair.

"Do you want me to massage your head cariño?" you ask kindly but he kept avoiding your eyes searching his pockets for his phone.

"Can you just leave me alone?" he said and your face fell wishing there was something you could do to help him knowing that he doesn't actually want to be alone..you know him that much.

"What can I do Pablito?" you ask kissing his cheek and his jaw which was now clenching in anger.

"You're so annoying!" he growled immediately realizing what he said when he saw you sad face looking at him and your eyes filling with tears even though you didn't let them fall. He felt horrible..even worse than before..and when he tried to pull you closer you got up and left to the bedroom.

"Mierda Pablo! Eres un cabrón!" he said to himself while picking up his weight and walking to the bedroom where you were laying with a book in your hands.

"Amor.." he laid besides you but your eyes didn't move from the page you were trying to read for the past ten minutes but couldn't concentrate. He was so mean to you and you only tried to help!

"Lo siento muchisimo..por favor amor" he reached your your hand but you pulled away flipping the page pretending like you read it when the truth was you weren't even concentrating on the book.

"It was such an annoying game..they were hitting us non stop..and then we didn't get that penalty..but none of that matters! I shouldn't take my frustration out on you...I'm so sorry babygirl" he moved closer laying on your pillow with his lips leaving small kisses on your shoulder.

"You were only trying to help me..and I was such a cabrón. I am the annoying one..not you..por favor..just look at me" he said pouting and you sighed turning your face to the side to see him genuine regret.

"I didn't even tell you how beautiful you are when I got home..or how much I love you princesa" his hand was tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear while your cheeks were blushing. You were still silent though wanting him to know his behavior was unacceptable.

"Te amo muchisimo..please talk to me again" he moved even closer testing to see if you move away not wanting to invade your space. When you stayed still, he smiled starting to leave little kisses on your neck which made you relax in his arms.

Pablo was laying on your chest with his face nuzzled into your neck when you finally decided to stop torturing him and talk again.

"You were a cabrón..." you whisper and Pablo's head shot up as the smile grew on his face that you talked again. He didn't care what you said..and he wanted was to hear your voice again.

"I'm only your cabrón tho.." Pablo smirked and you raised your eyebrows expecting a proper apology and not jokes about his past behavior.

"I am really sorry amorcito..just give me some love please?" he said and you smiled now nodding your head and moving closer to lay on his chest away from his wound.

"I'm sorry about the penalty cariño.." you say softly caressing his wound while Pablo was relaxing and enjoying your touch now completely forgetting about the stupid game.

"Mm we'll get them next time princesa..just keep loving me?" he said looking down at you and you blushed nodding your head and moving a little to leave small kisses on his wounds.

"Sempre!" you smile looking up and him and he brings you close kissing your lips lovingly before kissing your forehead. You then cuddled up to each other enjoying a sweet night rest <3

[rahxe-things]

One Piece (Live Action)

No spoilers

Listen, I didn't have high hopes for this, but to sum up all 8 episodes in an easy little sentence; it was pretty damn good.

Granted there were a number of creative liberties taken to make the Romance Dawn arc fit and flow more fluidly into these 1hr long 8 episodes, but I feel like they didn't take away from it at all.

But I really want to talk about the casting. Cause they did fucking fabulous! Because never would I think I'd say that my favourite casting would be for Buggy the Clown. The man is probably the best actor in the whole show. A close second imo would be Shanks, and it's not just because these actors are spitting images of their characters, but they captured and carried their characters so well, that during their scenes I almost forgot they were based off anime characters.

As for character resemblances; I'm limiting the list to characters that are relevant to the series as a whole.

Shanks looks exactly like I always imagined IRL Shanks would look like. As a huge fan of Shank's character, I'm really glad they found someone who pulled it off.

I'm convinced they just pulled Mihawk right out of the manga/anime. I don't think they could have found someone who looks more like him AND play his character as well as he did. He didn't have many scenes, but it was enough to leave an impression.

Koby. I bet you didn't expect him to make the list. But when he's first shown on screen, he is so unmistakably Koby. The timid, uncertain kid who wants to be a Marine was castled perfectly imo.

Alvida! Another one I bet you think wouldn't have been mentioned. But here she is. But not because she's an accurate representation, but because I think they made the correct choice of casting. In the anime/manga, Alvida is known as the most beautiful in the East Blue but is actually drawn quite ugly. We are supposed to assume that her reputation comes from her brutally forcing people to spread the rumour, but this Live Adaptation allows the reputation to spread from something concrete, hiding her secret brutality. Because omg that woman is gorgeous! <3

Zoro: I think he was going to be difficult to cast, but the actor they chose makes for a fantastic Zoro. I think my only real grief about his casting is that the actor just doesn't have that gruff tone of voice that Zoro's voice actor has for the anime. His combat choreography more than makes up for it though. I'd have to say, he has the best choreography out of everyone. (I don't know if this was because of the directing, or the actor himself, but I loved it.)

Continuing with the fight scenes choreography...

First of all, most of it is (predictably) cheesy. Anime fight scenes are notoriously difficult to adapt to live action. THAT BEING SAID, I think they did really well. There are moments where movements are really strange, but they're actually far and few between, and typically only show up where someone does one of those in-human jumps or really long leaps from across a room. And Luffy's stretchiness. Granted I'm sure they did what they could, but I still feel like they did better in the Fantastic Four movies from the early 2000s.

The Snails

Sweet Baby Jesus, those things are going to be in my nightmares. That is all.

All in all, even if it's not a perfect adaptation of the Romance Dawn arc, I still think over all it was done splendidly. As I said before, I didn't have high hopes for an anime to live action show, but I finished off the episodes overwhelmingly positive. (Bonus point for someone finally deciding on a TV show instead of a movie.) I do feel like they could have planned for a 12 episode season (much like anime), if they paced a bit differently by incorporating some minor interactions that ultimately didn't make it in, but I'm still definitely looking forward to the possibility of a season 2... and 3, and 4, and so on. Especially if they get the funding to improve of the fighting choreography and CGI. There's so many characters that I want to see make it into the live action universe, that I'm genuinely hoping for this show's success. Also, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but did I see Cavendish on the wanted poster wall? I though he didn't start pirating until after Loguetown...?

[parksprout]

Sprout Journal 11/13/24

Hey guys!! It was actually such a boring day today so I think this one will be quick ish.

So I went to school this morning and actually managed to pay attention in all of my classes!! Which feels rare these days to be fully honest. None of them were particularly exciting though, so I don't have much to say!! The school year is dying down finally, which I'm so so so grateful for. Whoops I meant semester tdtdtfyg there's still all of spring after this. Anyways I need winter break so badly, I'm feeling burnt out these days - I need time to actually work on my hobbies too. We talked about final exams in most of my classes. For one of them I've just got to finish writing a short story I started, but I'm so unsure what to do with it - I don't feel like the same person who wrote the first draft anymore. Can I emulate the style of this stranger? I'll figure it out I'm sure.

While I was at school me and The Bnuuy had another big conversation tdrctgtcgb. This time it was about some silly stuff. They told me that at one point? Because I look slightly different at different angles in selfies? They thought I might've been a set of twins both flirting with them. Tddttftggh can you imagine? I get it though, I've got a good side and a slightly bad side when it comes to selfies!! And my facial features look really different in different lights tdtdtfyg I think it's cause I'm so pale that you can't really tell the curves of my face in bright white light. We continued talking though and they said some stuff that was really sweet even if they didn't mean it to be. I asked if like .. I can do anything to work on their attraction to me, and they said "I wouldn't change anything about you honestly ToT i fell for you then because you were you". Which is .. so nice. I'm still working on changing regardless but .. ugh. They still like me for me, which means we're closer to love than strangers. They also said that most of the reason they fell away was life circumstances which I fully get.. I can't really do anything about that, but I can show them that in our current spot? Where were both in actually really similar life stages, where we could be a good couple who are both very busy and understanding of boundaries, I would be a good person to date. They also said that they felt like their affection was waning a little, while mine kept going up. I don't think that's fully the truth of it.. I think it was mostly me. I had a lot of loss during the last year we dated, and at first me needing to lean on them more was justified and they seemed to like the attention but .. I kept pushing the envelope. I became dependent on them, I wanted all of their time. I think I annoyed them at the end, that I was too much - I think they could still love me, but that I need to back the FUCK off hddgtftfyfy. Which I can do. I just wish I knew a bit more about how annoying I was being before it was too late!!!

We keep establishing rules and boundaries hdtctftghvg which is something I wanted desperately when we were dating. So .. I feel like if we do again, we'll be better for both of us. Anywayz

After I got done with that talk, or part of it, I had archaeology class!! I got my grade for my presentation .o. I got a 19/20. I feel so good about that ugh. Then I went home!! I rested for an hour then walked my friend Jordan to class while updating him about my life. After that I went to the gym and set a personal best!! 1hr on the elliptical, 4.something miles. I'm so proud and so tired. I took flexing pictures 😌 I felt pretty.

After that I didn't do much!! A really nice shower, cooking my soup, calling my friend Sammy for an hour and then sleeping. It was a good day and I feel good this morning. :) I love y'all!! If anyone even reads these. Bye Tumblr!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

I don't have a lot of energy these days [because of The Horrors] so I'm looking at my day and my priorities and trying to plan how I'm going to spend what energy I have, because I do need to be able to rest and relax but there are also things that need doing and that is a careful balance for me.

I managed to [mostly] clean the kitchen last night so I've kicked it out of the priority list until next weekend. Unfortunately the living room, bathroom, bedroom, and my office all need cleaning too. I think of the priorities, my office and the bedroom are the most important to me, so I'll probably push the living room and bathroom until at least Friday.

There's also the laundry. I don't have any clean clothes and as we're moving into winter I need to be more rigid about getting that done because days where the clothes can be dried on the line will be more limited. So I definitely need to wash an outfit or two and hang them up in the next hour.

That's already a really busy day, so I'll probably cut it there. But it's definitely going to still leave me a lot of work this week. Half my cleaning, at least one more round of laundry, settling dog food for the next couple of weeks, planting the fall/winter greens, doing some set up work on my computer, work on some writing projects, cleaning out the fridge, and patching some worn clothes. My work week isn't insane atm, but it is definitely limiting. Right now I have 6+4+0+4+2+5+5= 25 non work/non-survival needs (sleep, food, shower, etc) hours available each week. I need to figure out a regukar distribution of these that means everything is getting done and I still have an hour a day to myself as often as possible. I think it's probably not realistic to give myself more than an hour a day for free time/fun, which is a bit unfortunate because I've found in the past that my floor tends to be getting 2-3hrs of free time most days because of how I deal with transition and decision-making.

25-7 [1hr per day] is 18 hrs, so I just need to decide where and how to distribute those in order to keep pace with things.

Lets say the garden needs 3hrs per week, the laundry needs 4 hours (specifically 2 sets of 2 morning/early afternoon hours), the cleaning needs an hour a day to get through a maintenance clean of the house, and 3 hours once a week to work down any deep cleaning that's built up. Which is....already three more hours than I actually have each week. So I guess I'll make a plan to work in the garden for 20-40min of 4 of my free hours each week.

It really doesn't leave me any wiggle room. Only about 4 hours a week that isn't explicitly allotted to something that needs doing, which means there will probably me a lot of weeks where I only get an hour or so at best across the whole thing for free time. I guess I've had a hard time accepting that at this point, having actual time for myself or a time-intensive project is only available if I've taken a day off work. I love my job, but it's ... not comfortable to realize that it's the only love in my life I actually have time for anymore.

I think that's probably why I end up here so much. It's this mindless little way of zoning out into my own head, dissociating away from the exhaustion, for a few minutes at a time. I keep thinking I want to use this space differently, make it more if the things I enjoy. But I think what I really want is just to actually have the time and energy to do things I love that take work. I keep crying a few times every day and I couldn't figure out why, but like

I dunno

Why **wouldn't** I cry a little every day? It's the closest I'm getting to actual emotional release or relaxation in my life. We'd probably all cry. Heck. A lot of us probably DO, capitalism being what it is.

I guess I'm starting to wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. What is there left for me to sacrifice to this life? What is actually serving me about not just letting myself go up like a fireball and take my surroundings with me? What in the ever loving fuck am I fighting this hard for?

All I ever want, all I want now, is to be able to live. To really, actually live. How does wanting to live bring you this close to killing yourself, whether on accident or on purpose? What am I actually doing that is LIVING and what am I doing that is FACILITATION of living? It can't all be facilitation, or I'm not actually facilitating fuck all.

I'm 30 goddamn years old and I need to figure out what it looks like to actually love my life. I fundamentally refuse to zombify myself like this for everyone else around me forever.

[tysonfurybattlepass]

What kinds of martial arts/fighting do you do? I've always been interested in stuff like that but I'm really short and petite. It doesn't seem possible for me to do.

haha, you’ve come to the right place. i’m 5’3 (160cm) and at my highest ever weight right now, a whopping 115lb (about 52kg). ive been training for over a decade now and competing/teaching almost as long so I’m Your Guy lol

i started with brazilian jiujitsu when i was thirteen. i thought it would be fun and i wanted to strengthen my heart and lungs, as i was a frail victorian waif with pots and asthma. started with once a week, fell in love, and soon was clocking in an hour or two five days a week. i exclusively trained and competed in bjj for 3-4years before i decided i was done being bad at standup fighting so i added in muay thai. fell in love with that too. competed in a couple national tournaments and took third and second. post-covid, hopped into boxing. my most impressive achievements are on that stage imo, having taken gold and silver in two regional tournaments last year (gold/silver match was against the same opponent both times! so i guess that makes us even…) just recently started seriously building my standing-grappling game (which is still weak rip) by adding in freestyle wrestling and judo. i train and spar mma regularly, but have not competed under that ruleset.

so to answer your question: i do a little bit of everything.

some advice from a small but determined combat athlete:

1. being smaller than your training partners and opponents is frustrating. it is disheartening. people will get away with doing shit that is objectively bad and wrong on you because they can brute force it. it’s not because you aren’t good enough. there are also ways to mitigate this:

2. as a small person, your assets will be precise technique, accurate timing, agility, and endurance. because you are small, you will naturally be more technically competent. if you do something wrong against someone bigger than you, it simply won’t work. thus, you will have more incentive to do it right! once you build up to a consistent training schedule, you will have better movement and endurance than a bigger person because you simply have less weight to move. ergo, moving yourself is an easier task. use this to your advantage. wether the storm until big boy gets tired and then tool him around👍

3. this applies to exercise in general and i cannot stress it enough: do not go hard at first. do not jump into the deep end. start out with two classes a week. ideally 45min-1hr classes, on different days, with at least one rest day in between. your body needs time to adapt to new workloads, or else you’ll just be hurt and sore and burned out. do that until it feels easy! then bump it to four days a week, which is when you’ll start to see real technical progress.

4. establish your goals for training before you commit to anything! are you looking for fitness? competition? self-defense? or are you just trying to have fun? each sport offers different benefits and potential drawbacks. i’d be happy to elaborate more on that if you wish. feel free to ask about whatever you’re interested in and i can recommend what to look for :3

combat sports is half my personality and the entirety of my irl social life nowadays. 10/10 would do again despite mild ouchie and being tired a lot

[abodyofcells]

July 11th 7:11am

Good morning diary, I am still jobless which I'm so confused on how. I've applied everywhere. I think they may be calling my old manager and since she is spiteful she probably didn't put in a good word since I left on the spot. (This is due to me working with my ex while we dated, got dumped at work in the wet closet 1hr before we both got off, he started talking to a member, then to the one co worker I had a feeling wasn't a girls girl and wanted to take what she saw, then they changed my schedule from 2pm-10pm to 6am-2pm. Oh without telling me or heaven forbid even ask me. Switching me and the one co worker out meaning she worked with him since he and I had worked shifts together. No one from management told me since they're all friends with him.) (p.s. when we had a rough spot he told me he joked with our manager, his bestie, that they should get me fired😜) SO, one morning I wake up for this god forsaken shift once again and I sit there and think about how I'm done. Mentally my sleep schedule is so fucked since the switch and ofc I'm healing through this break up and I have to work with both culprits. [Truly I don't wish any ill will on them. The universe is the judge not me, plus, a house built on another women's tears doesn't last long. ] I show up for my shift ofc because my other co workers didn't do anything to deserve being stuck working alone at a planet fitness for 8 hours at 6am. I text my manager asking her if we can chat when she gets in, I tell her how I feel about my schedule change and how I can feel favorites, I say I'm quitting and she says "oh.." and the pause felt like 5 good minutes, so I said "right now." She drops another "Oh!"

And that's the end of it, I just leave. I worked hard there when they didn't deserve it. Helped new folks. Even the pick me. Confused how she worked 3 months and needed help with the most simple shit? Hm her mind must've been elsewhere🤔

ANYWAYS, glad someone gets to be happy and in love. I don't really want that right now. After all that^ plus my ex from 2020-2023. Lord that's a story over time where you'd have to keep up with the little pieces of info. Crazy stuff. Mf up there^^ knew all about it and decided to double down.

Do men feel guilt after these things? No matter fact, do CHEATERS feel guilt? Or people who can't just be honest. I knew there was something between my ex and the pick me. And it's okay, my dad always said you can't help who you fall in love with. What's not okay is stringing me along for months and making me feel crazy then becoming hateful because you couldn't do the honorable thing and leave when you knew your heart and eyes were somewhere else. And she is no better, it's okay to like a boy, but to follow him around during his workout, do the puppy dog eyes at every make co worker, then come talk to me, be friendly, listen to what lead to the break up, then hop right in my place. Is it flattering? Concerning? I'm not sure.

It's been months since the break up, March 20something. I just haven't journaled a lot, or cried as much as other breakups. It was more acceptance.., but I've come to think I just shut some lights off. I've been slowing turning them back on but they look better in the dark. Far away from me and my heart. A distance memory.

Yet I can't help but yearn for someone to see me, For more than my shell.

[100dayproductivity]

80/100.

Today's coffee.

I'm making progress with AI prompts. I now know how to replicate an image and experiment with changing only one thing at a time to see what results that one change yields. The above image was made using the same "seed" and settings as the image I made yesterday. Here's yesterday's image.

You can see how they're the same but not the same. Here's another variation.

I am pleased with all three results! Which do you prefer?

I want to experiment more but I have other things to do today. Got a dog to walk, my cat has yet another vet appointment today and I have a phone call with my financial advisor/insurance broker dude this afternoon (annual review). Need supper for my kid tonight too, I'm thinking of making soup and then crepes.

Besides all that, here's my list from yesterday:

Take shower/wash hair!! (It's a chore, right?)

Clean up cat poop!!!

Clean up next section of leaves/weeds in backyard (~1hr)

Sort through/process stack of receipts

Take bike to get fixed (call them first)

And? Etc? - put away grocery delivery

Did I claim medical expenses?

Not a super productive day. Lots of things to carry forward, and I know I won't have time to bring my bike to get repaired for the next couple of days. (It's actually my daughter's bike that she doesn't like and I prefer to mine; I still have my own bike that I'm currently using).

I really just wanna play with AI and have another cup of coffee. Sigh. Be more productive than me today!

[stressedlawsecretary]

Today's Focus

ft. Mina Shirakawa & Mariah May

07.18.24 - Today's prompt is to wear something you wear often, but make it look even better. There were a couple dresses I was going between, but this one is what I landed on. The belt is new; I would have done better, matching shoes but apparently I need a new shoe collection (or the cash to get mine fixed) because I pulled the sandals out and realized they would Not Work.

Work - Still plodding along; fought with NYM yesterday to enter in CSB's new case so today I'll have to make up the physical file. I also have to get him to sign a couple of mediation invoices so they can be processed for payment. I'm sorting through all the shit at my desk because I think I have like three case files I can close and things I can put away to clean all this up.

Background Noise - I am back in the office so I'm continuing to binge podcasts on YT. Hopefully not all my videos will be super long today, but I'm still working through a lot of videos that are longer than an hr that I've saved for myself.

I did seven videos yesterday, of which all of them were over 30 min and split between 30-60min vids and videos over 1hr in length. Which is not bad for a DVR day!

Study - Thursday is book day and I don't know what I'll be reading today; I am still busy with work so I may have to count pages instead of chapters.

Though yesterday I got to watch two episodes of Jeopardy, two of 60 Minutes, and I got halfway through a CBS Sunday Morning, along with a couple of videos on educational/history things on YT. I'm trying to watch one episode of the Red Thread podcast with dad, because it's on the Dyatlov pass incident.

Extras - Thursday means the garbage goes out of the house and to the curb; I'm all caught up on my chores otherwise. Back to cooking tonight; I'm grilling up Polish sausage and serving them on buns with onions, mustard, and sauerkraut, adding pierogi on the side and slicing up some cantaloupe with it. Along with dinner I'm doing another two episodes of Kyuranger and then more stuff from Dropout TV.

[westmeath]

In my case I waited 14 months from initial referral (and just getting that referral was an ordeal in and of itself that took me around 3 years) for my first appointment and in the meantime started hormones myself through GenderGP because I couldn't wait that long. I was letting college offers come and go because I wouldn't start until I would pass.. I was lucky enough to be able to afford the £25 a month for GenderGP, but even then after a few months I just stopped paying and ended anything I had with them and was still able to get my prescriptions

I still wanted it to be all official, so I kept on with the clinic in Dublin and by the time I got an appointment date for May 2020 I had already been doing HRT since the previous November and yet it still took 4 separate appointments before they finally gave me the go ahead to start hormones. Even though I was already on them

I went through all the stuff posted above, including in the second appointment them asking me to bring my dad in with no warning – they never told me it was going to happen and they made me go get him from outside (idk what they would've done if he hadn't have given me a lift) I was again in a lucky position that my dad was ok with what I was doing, but even then it was a horrible, awkward and mortifying experience that neither of us wanted. He told them himself this was none of his business. I was also 20 at the time and his opinion should not have been relevant

The third (December 2020) was a total waste of time and boiled down to "you don't have a job, come back when you get one." Keeping in mind that there was months between each appointment & I had to travel to and from Dublin for 9am appointments each time (there were no other times). Again I'm lucky that I live 1hr 40m away with no traffic by car. If I was relying on public transport it would be almost impossible to make it there in time unless I stayed over the night before, doubly so if I happened to live any further away

So by the time of the fourth appointment (July 2021) I had just about gotten a job literal days before (which I was only able to do because I was Literally Already On Hormones.) and I was in the room for less than half an hour. I told them I was employed and they were like ok great! Nothing more we need. I also had to lie about my parents using the right name/pronouns for some reason because for some inexplicable reason they wouldn't let me progress unless that was happening as well. Even with supportive (or more just indifferent) parents I couldn't make them do that and wasn't going to so I just lied

I can't emphasise enough that they made me jump through these hoops to see if I deserved to get prescribed HRT, over 14 months, when I had already been on hormones that entire time!!!! And I was only able to complete the Get A Job bit of their checklist because of that!!! I was literally told that "you don't seem like you need HRT" when. I was already on it. It took me 4 appointments to get prescribed something I was already taking when other people in the same place were given it after their first one. Boggles the fucking mind

I really wish more people would kick up a stink about what should be a national scandal that to get access to trans healthcare in Ireland, you have to:

answer extremely invasive, humiliating personal questions about things like how you masturbate, what you fantasise about when you do, what ways you like to have sex

have a parent/guardian involved who will be asked what they want for you and what they think you should do, even if you're over 18

have a job or be in some kind of formal education, despite the fact that not having access to hormones is often the reason why people can't do these things

This is just what I remember off the top of my head.. if you refuse to do any of these they won't prescribe you hormones and if you speak out about it publicly they might blacklist you from ever accessing them at all

[everyraindropisawaterfall]

I saw an article in the news that really triggered me.. it was about stray kids literally titled 'the next 875' and the writers somehow concluded that

a. No boy group would reach that level of success, the trend is going towards girl groups so there will not be a next boy group 875 most probably a girl group

b. said that skz basically followed the 875 template and started with a hip hop focus and self production

c. they weren't able to reach out to the general public and their korean fandom is tiny therefore they are just successful because of international fans

and listen I'm all for constructive debates on the topic but ya know.. if you're gonna put such a large shadow over everything the group achieves I don't think that's fair??? stays have been saying this from day one

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MAKING MUSIC THAT DOES NOT APPEAL TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC

so what if they got inspiration from the same kind of music? they made it their own didn't they?? and look we could talk endlessly about the size of their fandom and how their success is driven by sales

but it doesn't change some things

a. The members are always ALWAYS working.. they constantly put out covers and performance and go live just to interact with stays. the leader has gone live for 180 weeks.. 1hr or more each time just to listen to music and have a safe space.

b. they have been through a LOT more than people give then credit for.. they have survived and conquered two survival shows they have no semblance of a personal life and when you ask them how they bear it they brush it away and say that they're fine

c. They've given up their youth, they don't have weekends they've gone on world tours with crazy schedules.. every year they try to outdo themselves in terms of the content put out

d. Skz fight against against gender norms of what guys should be like, they're always kind and considerate, they love art and genderless clothing, they've made their own safe space they don't judge or condemn, they praise each other openly and show affection as it should be done.. as if it's the most normal thing in the world

e. and they're keeping their humility and sticking to their roots.. I know for a fact that when 3racha starts making music that is not connecting with them.. they will know it and stays will know it and they'll go back to looking for their sound because you can trust them musically, they will never let you down.

stays and skz could have gone down multiple times in the past 5 yrs.. but we didn't... and we're still here.. so everyone who doesn't get it can just butt out.. our goal is and always will be to be better than the stays we were yesterday and skz are only ever in competition with themselves.

[bo0zey]

I hope you're doing ok, I only read about what happened at riot fest through someone who saw some of the people who fainted and had to be taken out, but to be in the situation that you were is so terrifying. I really wish I could whisk you to another concert of theirs, it breaks my heart that arseholes who have no regard to others' wellbeing ruined your experience. (And reading your post about how gerard was trying to control the crowd, I couldn't stop thinking about how disturbing it must have been to watch people fainting left and right and having to be surfed out of the crowd, and people still continuing to push.)

i'm okay!<3 i went home and hit the Hay afterwards lol. my abdominal cavity was still rlly sore tho lol like i couldn't eat my burrito once i got home :( which i shouldve expected cuz i couldnt even drink water without sharp stabbing pangs from my diaphragm n intestines still on bad terms with each other skjskjng . but i was better the next day :) . and i was so sad for the band you're 100% correct i can't imagine what they must've been thinking up there having to perform while so many people were getting hurt :/ . like gerard handled everything so well, better than the event organizers ffs, and i was so mad because then the tabloids were released ranking the 13 most "dangerous bands/crowds" at riot fest & MCR was right up there and it's like!!!!!! the band was doing everything they could to keep the crowd safe, pausing between every damn song, literally ZERO bantering from gee in between because he was too busy counting the steps he wanted the crowd to take back.

that's why i'm still kinda annoyed abt me almost fainting bc i know it's not my fault but i still feel so stupid n weak bc i feel like everyone thinks it's my fault too and i 'couldn't hang' but i was literally being crushed from all four sides of my body and my nose was in this stinky bitch's armpit like:((( it's not fair. and like i tried not to let the fact that i was almost barrier, ~1hr away from seeing the band whose music was literally the only thing i listened to from 12-16yrs old when my mom was sick and dying and i deadass had nothing left that resonated with me aside from mcr & the boys' side projects for 4 years straight. it sounds corny as fuck but it honestly felt like a dream come true to be able to see them live and so up close like??

but i'm not gonna lie i couldn't stay positive lol. i was in a fog and dissociated for their entire set. n like the fact that i was 1000000s of feet away from my original spot so i couldn't even see them on stage, just the big screen, it just made the dissociation worse because everything had already looked and felt unreal and now mcr felt unreal too but like in the worst way possible, like they actually WERE NOT real and i was watching a youtube video at home lol. and i've literally never tried so hard in my LIFE to re-ground myself because i wanted to be at least somewhat present for this once in a lifetime chance u know?? so i tried singing along but i couldn't because it made the shooting pains so much worse. then i tried just mouthing the words but the pain kept getting worse and i literally had to leave during the middle of TKFY because i was getting nauseous and lightheaded again. aside from the pain i truly couldn't feel anything while watching them perform i was just so numb from everything and i couldn't stop crying because i deadass felt zero happiness, and that realization made me cry more because they weren't even happy tears, they weren't the ones i'd expected to cry. it was honestly one of the worst feelings i've ever experienced, feeling nothing, just numb as fuck inside despite being live and present at the concert of the band that had at one point made me feel everything, every emotion, tenfold all at once. and there i was 10 years later, feeling nothing. tis a veerrrryyyyyy hard pill for me to swallow lol n im still tryna choke it down. i haven't been able to listen to any mcr songs since bc i'm afraid i'm going to experience the same empty feelings again orrrrr worse break down and cry like a little bitch n feel sorry for myself bc i was so.close. to having this 1 thing i always wanted but never thought i'd be able to have and then *poof* IT'S GONE. like i can't have shit in this world lol i jsut wanted to give my inner child some peace and remember happier days before mom was gone and what happpens instead??? god yanks mcr away from her too lmaoooo. it's like funny and ironic tbh idk. and then ofc for their last song gerard played cancer and i was 10000000000000 of feet away in pain while my stepmom tried 2 find me water n im just sobbing next to some trashcans bc suddenly im 12 years old realizing i just lost the last piece of my childhood n mcr can't soothe me anymore and mom isn't there either and now i truly have nothing left inside or outside myself that makes me happy:-). like i don't think i've EVER even cried to cancer bc i didnt think it was /that/ sad and my mom literally died of cancer and i still never cried??? But idk that was another weird sad thing that jabbed the knife in deeper lol.

but also ik why gee played it, they were supposed to close with TKFY but played cancer bc it's their slowest 'saddest' song which would hopefully make everyone chill the fuck out & leave without trampling each other. which, AGAIN, gerard is literally an amazing fucking frontman for once AGAIN going out of his way to try and mellow ppl out n keep everyone safe aND FOR TABLOIDS TO ATTACK THEM calling them the most dangerous band like!!!!!!!! it literally wasn't their fault ppl are just fucking idiots and don't understand BASIC PHYSICS/HUMAN ANTOMY DKDFNSKD. ngl the only reason i'm not wrathful abt the article is bc it's validating 2 me n my experience that Yes that crowd was actualyl fucking awful and what happened to me was OUT of my control n therefore it wasnt>:(my>:(fault>:(((

[erik-the-creator-mainblog]

Watching Back to the Future for the first time was a uniquely confusing experience for me. And one that's kinda funny to look back on.

I was 8 or 10ish years old and my parents were like, "We're gonna watch these now." This is a normal experience, and is why I've seen Dirty Dancing, Top Gun, Grease, and other such classics at a younger age and don't remember a damn thing that happened in them. At the time I was in my animated shows or nothing phase, but I watched it anyway.

Now picture a kid with adhd and is 100% time blind, can barely sit still for an 1hr 20min, can't follow plots anymore complicated than an animated show, has auditory processing disorder but didn't know it yet, AND DOESNT UNDERSTAND TIME TRAVEL.

Yep! Time travel went completely over my head! I missed pretty much the entire explanation on the DeLorean being a time machine, all I got was a cool car.

You know what else I completely missed? Doc dying. The concept of death wasn't even on my radar at the time, so when Marty got to Doc's house in 1955, I was like, "Oh hey, there he is again! Why doesn't he remember the main character whose name I already forgot?"

Marty threatening his own existence? Nope. The top tier drama of Marty's best friend being dead in 1985, but having that same person right in front of him? Nah uh. Confusion was abound.

I did understand that he went to the future in the second movie. I wondered if I would live to see the futuristic year of 2015, which only about 6 or 7 years away.

Now do that two more times with the sequels and still not understanding the core part of the movies and you have my first viewing of the series. Tbh I didn't like them very much since I followed approximately 0 of the plot.

Then last year I gave them another shot, and I freaking loved it! It's right up my alley! Time travel that holds up really well, good characters, drama, comedy, the power of found family! It's like it was tailor made to appeal to me. (once I got older anyway) I got hyperfixated on it, got all the IDW comics, played through the entire Tell Tale game in one night, and started working on an animatic

And now I'm once again hyperfixating and having a grand old time :D

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Bi/26. The reason my best friend never met my guy is bc she refuses to meet up(She lives over 1hr away&doesn't drive). I started thinking. I think since this is my 1st good relationship she wants to add her 2cnts in. My last relationship became extra toxic. Sometimes I wonder if she likes hearin abt my drama more than abt my happiness. Im 26&he's 41. But we literally are each other's other half. That's why i think she may get jealous. Bc I'm happy& drama free.

No need to justify that age gap to me. I totally got your back, sweetie. There is nothing wrong about literally ~any~ age gap between two consenting adults. And really, 26&41 isn’t even that big of a difference.

I guess your friend might use the age difference as an excuse to find the faults in your relationship and maybe she also generally has something against age gaps. But I get the feeling like, even if your boyfriend was also 26 or somewhere closer to your age she would still find a reason to try and stir drama? 

I mean, I don’t know her but the fact that she flat out refuses to meet the man you’ve been dating for almost a year really stands out to me here. Like... as I mentioned in the other ask: it also took us almost a year for my best friend to meet my boyfriend due to scheduling issues (my boyfriend travels a lot for work) and guess what? My best friend also lives on the other side of town which in Berlin quickly adds up to a 1-hour-distance yet she never said that’s too far or too much hassle - because she actually wanted to get to know my boyfriend.

Really, if your friend was interested in seeing you happy and getting to know the man you love then she would find a way (scheduling ahead, meeting in the middle, asking you to come visit her...) but she doesn’t do any of that which leaves me at: does she even care about you being happy? Why does she not want to see you grow and heal from the toxic relationships in the past? Does she maybe feel isolated (also bc of the distance) and fears your relationship to your boyfriend will take something away from the friendship with her? Well... if that’s her fear then her bahaviour is doing much more damage than good. Did she like it when you were in a toxic relationship before because that meant you needed her help more?

It’s all pretty messed up from what I can tell and I think maybe she has some unresolved issues of her own. But it’s not your job to work them out for her. All you can do is say “look, I want to be your friend but right now you are making it very hard because you don’t show any interest in me being happy and just want to cause drama. you also don’t want to meet my boyfriend even though it’s very important to me that you two know each other. that hurts a lot, so if you want to keep me as a friend then do better!!!”

And then if she doesn’t do better - move on! You deserve better than that!

Maddie

[mtnkat3]

4.46pm

Grinning. All random but the last was "thinking" go figure. 🤔🤷‍♀️

Yeah my loves .. gotta work on my daily things. I've been thinking about not going out with wh for midday food. But. It's the only time I get away from here. I think the best thing to change is to get back into my early morning habits. Very hard for me though. Never an early riser. I am the kat that covers my head. Thank dad hammering & running saws at 7am on Saturdays as a kid. And always living near train tracks that are crazy loud, even 2 miles away! When worked at that store I was up at 5am to be there by 7am. 2 miles. And usually was in bed by 11.45pm~midnight. But I also got an afternoon nap ~4pm for ~1hr. So. Start bedtime prep at 11pm so in bed before midnight. And then up my alarms & add more. 5~10am.

I'm also wondering about my meds, specifically Levothyroxine. If my dosage is correct. Still tired, still lethargic, still low energy.. &.. cold hands & feet, breaking nails, fragile hair. All classic thyroid issues symptoms.

Now that it seems my ins/cobra is fixed [sigh. next $ due.] Paws crossed! I can call my pcp to reschedule. But got a busy day tomorrow. Counseling, new back tires on truck, premium due. I probably will be running all day.

So need to get my laundry done! I only have a couple pair of jeans that aren't too snug right now.😳😖🙈🙊 but. I was the girl with one pair of pants in 7th grade, ~4 in hs. More important things, like food, than asking my parents to spend on clothes. Clothes, rolltop desk, dad built bookcase headboard.. that was Christmas. I am both careful, frugal, & creative with money & belongings.

I dress up jeans.. or I just go simple. Tee, jeans, jacket & my Tijgeress cap today. Hair in a side braid .. course I also got wh diet coke on my nice tank. Sigh. Having boobs. Grin. I swear I need a bib! On went the jacket.🙄🙈🤷‍♀️ and yes my loves .. I was drinking water with lemon. I 95% of the time do. Rarely sodas. But oh how I miss Barq's, tea, coffee & hot chocolate! [I get coffee in my Bolthouse Mocha Cappuccino protein shake so have to be careful. I'm sensitive to caffeine. Not sure why.]

Blushing beet red. That's me calming down from driving & navigating around a mall. Which I rarely do. Just awesome greek restaurant there & wh wanted to look for shoes. I'm of the mind of find on line, after having my feet properly measured. To find the best deals. At least until I can be truly selective. More American made. Heck me made!

Start living a fully abundantly rich life! With my precious beloved mates!

Not be stagnating & dying ..

But doing & lovin life the way we want to! Whether that's enjoy lazy Sundays.. Having a church home. Going to football games on Saturdays. Making Christmas decorations & gifts. If we travel & do things. Heck, my life .. I'm rewriting my story. I want to do whatever makes us happy. Whatever that may be..

I love you.. & I miss you fiercely.

I will find my way back to my life's proper path because God's Guiding me. And He brings us together. It makes my soul feel fulfilled.. & motivating me to push myself. Not just words. But praying His Hands to make me right again!

Sigh.. so hard to be separated from you.. just makes me think about it all constantly. But I need to get my butt movin. Move the cat. Lol! Do my running up & down basement stairs routine to get laundry done.

I love you..

I will await though whilst I work.

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

Your complex warrior queen daughter.

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix.🌺

👩🤓⚓🙏🙇‍♀️🌂🔗⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽 🍁🧣🥾🥧🥮🥤🍋🍯🍼☕🍫🍎🍑🍒 🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵 ⌚⚡🌠🚀🗝🔱⚜💝🐻🦌🧩♠️♾🎯🧭🕯🎶💋

Su.10.23.2022 7.06pm est.

So difficult to write this one.😖🙇‍♀️