#i'm still sad about heath ledger

[zot3-flopped]

"it’s harder to think he cares about us, when he’s only engaging with us when we’ve paid for it" no but this (sensible) ask >> https : // alarrytale.tumblr.com/post/754470807589289984/maybe-im-weird-or-just-older-35-but-i-dont - and Marte derenged answer is the root of the problem with larries and swifties and many toxic fandoms. That's NOT how you're supposed to CARE. These artists are human beings (thus always worth of basic respect) capable of making art we can appreciate/be emotional about. They are still strangers, and own us nothing more that their art.

I've been a fan of Muse half my life and the lack of "fanservice" never stopped me from singing back at concerts, making memories to the tunes of their songs and having a 15+ years crush on Matt Bellamy and his voice. I always cry to Hayao Miyazaki movies, I'll be impossibly sad when he passes away, and I've never even been on the same country he is. I will mourn him and respect his passing as you would a stranger you've never met but who's WORK you've "met". His art means something deep to me, I'm grateful of for it and for his existence, I don't need to be "aknowledged" as fan. I felt like that when Heath Ledger passed away, when Chester Bennington did.

That's actually the miracle of Art, how it crosses all kinds of barriers, and it's clear to me that's the kind of carreer and legacy Harry is striving for. And I applaud him for it, cos' that's the HEALTIEST way of being an artist. He clearly had a prime example of toxic artist-fans relationship during 1D and he's been course correcting since then. Good for him.

Agree 1000%. Many of the older bands I like have zero social media presence, except to announce new music and tours, and that's absolutely fine.

Why is Marte so needy at the ripe age of 36? She says she doesn't like Harry's music or his shows so what does she like? Memories of when he came online as a teenager twelve years ago to chat with fans?

"I really think what set 1D apart and made them so successful was their social media presence and fan service."

No, Marte - Harry Styles and his talent, charisma, voice, and stage presence set them apart. She makes 1d sound like a bunch of Tiktokkers.

[houjicha]

So I'm finally about to watch Brokeback Mountain for the first time, and I kind of want to record my feelings before I do. I still have lingering associations that will probably be erased once I've seen it, and it's important to me to see how long they've hung on.

This movie came out when I was in my early teens, when I was still deep in the conservative bubble. I was starting to be allowed to watch and listen to more media, but I had been sufficiently brainwashed to the point that I actively sought out hyper-conservative opinions on any "unsafe" (=not made by Christians or per the Hays Code) media.

I was in the part of Christianity that believed in the invisible war, that there was a whole army of spirits waiting to destroy us from within and without.

So a queer story gaining the momentum and acceptance it did was terrifying. It was a sign that our defenses were eroding and the enemy was closing in. Our "freedom" was shrinking and soon we'd have to make the choice between martyrdom or faith, the lake of fire or the guillotine etc. At least for me, a young teenager, and my mother.

I realize all that probably sounds very funny to say about The Gay Cowboy Movie, but genuinely, my instinctive reaction to the name of this film is still aversion. Even for years afterwards, people saying Heath Ledger was great or something, my brain would almost tense up. Someone mentioning it in a positive light would give me a "this person is Unsafe" reaction, even though I knew that wasn't true.

On another level, the 2000s were just. real homophobic. Real bad. So on the other side of conservatism (as opposed to the Utter Belief and Easily Exploited Devotion side where I lived), you had a ton of garden-variety jokes about it. So there was also a sense that The Gay Cowboy Movie was ew, cringe. This movie is sooo full of itself and for what, these weirdos and their ~tragic romance~? Ugh, Oscar bait gets worse and worse. Heath Ledger is a great actor (thanks to Actual Cool Movie The Dark Knight), but like...tee-hee, poor guy had to put his talents to use in Brokeback Mountain. The title alone was a punchline in itself, and referencing it in any way would get people to laugh. So that "cringe" reaction is in me, too. I've written the title a few times in this post, and that's enough to trigger it.

Now, I feel like the zeitgeist among a lot of queer people on the internet is that we are past sad gay dramas about repression and internalized homophobia or whatever, which, fair. Although it also intensifies that feeling of "cringe."

If this wasn't such a prestigious movie that does seem to have stood the test of time, I would probably be fighting through even more internal barriers. Even so, as the first shot appears, my brain tried to ask me, "Ugh, are you REALLY watching Brokeback Mountain?" Which is why I have to say, "yes, motherfucker, actually I am."

So I have no idea if I'll like this movie. I probably will; I, personally, am still very fond of sad stories full of repression. I've also found that when I work at these little knots in my heart, they do eventually unravel so thoroughly that I lose touch with the memory of what it felt like to have them.

Anyway, that's why I wanted to record what I was feeling, right now, with the movie paused less than a minute in. Because I really wonder if the me a year or two from now will even remember what this feels like.

[extraterezi]

when I was still high on gomens fumes I made this playlist inspired by s2, with 6 songs for aziraphale and crowley each. explanations and meta under the cut if youre still in the trenches <3

Crowley

1. The Way I Feel Inside - The Zombies

Should I try to hide the way I feel inside my heart for you?

Just felt like this song had Crowley vibez. Obviously about him pining away while still keeping a distance.

2. Seaside Rendezvous - Queen

I feel so romantic, can we do it again? Can we do it again sometime? (Ooh, I'd like that)

Gotta have at least one Queen track for Crowley! This one's for the two of them gallivanting around, enjoying earthly pleasures in their favorite company. I just think this song perfectly captures the Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck on a vespa typa dates they seem to go on all the time.

3. Rebel Yell - Billy Idol

With a rebel yell, she cried more, more, more

This song goes SO HARD!! It's my absolute favorite at the moment. It makes me think of Crowley feeling righteous and amped up about his and Aziraphale's secret rebellion against the system, and feeling justified about loving him. Sometimes Aziraphale's reluctancy to let go of heaven doesn't make Crowley feel frustrated and sad, sometimes it just makes it feel more meaningful when Aziraphale keeps coming back for more, as if despite his better judgement he can't stay away.

4. Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5

Give me something to believe in 'Cause I don't believe in you anymore, anymore

Kind of an unexpected addition to this playlist, but I do think that you need an angry power song in every playlist about pining over your best friend. It sucks!!! Aziraphale can be a dick and frustrating as all hell to deal with, and when you're as full of angst as Crowley it's hard to show good faith and trust that he doesn't mean it like that (and sometimes knowing that makes it even worse). And that's when you need a song that makes you feel cool and justified and PISSED.

5. Cry Me A River - Julie London

And now you say you love me Well, just to prove you do Come on and cry me a river Cry me a river I cried a river over you

This is the song that started it all. It came up on shuffle and then I listened to it like 36 times, thinking about Crowley the whole time. It's his sassy sadgirl anthem for after S2. He's past despair, and now he's just bitter... I want him to stay mad in S3, it's such a great look on him. An apology isn't enough, Aziraphale needs to get wise.

6. These Foolish Things (Remind Me Of You) - Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong

These things are dear to me They seem to bring you near to me

This was originally going to be an Aziraphale song, but I love the idea that while Crowley likes earth, he always felt some disdain for how his stars had been demoted to but a backdrop for this new main character of the universe, and instead it was through Aziraphale he fell in love with humanity. All of Aziraphale's special interests are silly little human eccentricities! No wonder Crowley looks at the world around him and sees nothing but Aziraphale everywhere, even after he's gone.

Aziraphale

7. Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Frankie Valli

You're just too good to be true Can't take my eyes off of you You'd be like heaven to touch I want to hold you so much

I've always connected this song with that fantastic and silly scene with Heath Ledger in 10 Things I Hate About you, so I was not prepared for how devastated I would get listening to this song while thinking about Aziraphale. The first line makes me think about how he still sees Crowley as an angel, which is a whole jar of beans and just hurtful to think about. Then the second line is about him spending 6000 years gazing lovingly at Crowley. And then after several turns of quiet dreamy romance the song switches pace to this grand declaration of love that Aziraphale would never make. Ever. But still thinks in his mind constantly and ouch ouch ouch.

8. Tea For Two - Blossom Dearie

I'm discontented with homes that are rented So I have invented my own

This, of course, is about the house in South Downs, and this vague idea of escaping somewhere with Crowley. I don't think Aziraphale has actually considered it yet, it's just a fleeting feeling he gets whenever Crowley talks about Alpha Centuri, or whenever he's reminded of the inevitability of them being found out and separated. I do like how this song makes it sound like he's the one tempting Crowley, and in that presumptuous and matter of fact tone Aziraphale always uses. "Oh Crowley, nothing lasts forever." We can go somewhere better. But Aziraphale hasn't realized the core of this song and want yet, that this needs to be away from the judging eyes of heaven and hell both.

9. He Needs Me

No one ever asked before Before because they never needed me (But I do) But he does Maybe it's because he's so alone Maybe it's because he's never had a home

To me this song feels like a halting realization. Over time, or after one eventful and intense conversation (the conversation), where your mind is reeling and you're stumbling through the memory of what was said and how and what it all means. And it's scary and good and oh no maybe I was wrong all along and wow, maybe I was wrong all along. Like not quite getting it yet but piecing it together. And it's sung yet again in that presumptuous, almost patronizing tone, while still feeling a bit childish.

(Aziraphale isn't stupid, he just has that simultaneously extra high and extra low empathy that seems very common for autistic people that makes it harder to navigate the world and relationships (yes, hi, welcome to my autistic Azi agenda). He often has this confused little furrow in his brow and I think this is why. In conversations with Crowley he understands the subtleties but misses big obvious things, cherry picking and making assumptions that he then holds as facts to bring into their next interaction. In the end of their last conversation Aziraphale is confused enough about Crowley's words and reactions that he's forced to question his earlier "deductions" and reevaluate everything, which will hopefully turn into true understanding when he's finished processing. I have a lot to say about this whole concept but it's a bit halfbaked so I might come back to it.)

The verse I picked hits hard in two parts: Aziraphale is so proud of being an angel, but in a pretty obvious defense mechanism kinda way. He's always known deep down that he's not what heaven expects or needs from him, and the other angels consistently dismiss and ignore him. And so Aziraphale believes, in true christian fashion, that while he tries (almost too much) to be good he is inherently evil, flawed, in a way an angel shouldn't be, because he feels human emotions and questions things. This naturally gives him a lot of imposter syndrome - his peers never see him as anything other than a cog in the heavenly machine, making his only purpose being an angel, which he deep down believes he's thoroughly failing at. "No one ever asked before because they never needed me" feels like it refers to how no one sees or needs him, because all they see is something he can't be.

The second part is (pretty self-explanatory) about Crowley. Not good enough to be an angel, not bad enough to be a demon. Just like Aziraphale.

10. Angel Eyes - Ella Fitzgerald

Try to think that love's not around But it's uncomfortably near My old heart ain't gaining no ground Because my angel eyes ain't here Angel eyes, that old Devil sent They glow unbearably bright

Here's some ominous jazz to complement Crowley's Cry Me A River. I'm obsessed with how this song just churns in your chest. I love a fancy lounge jazz typa sound for them, especially when it's darker like this.

"My angel eyes" is at first a metaphor for Aziraphale's heavenly judgement/morals that he's losing sight of the closer he gets to Crowley, the line between good and evil getting blurred and him becoming progressively more human. As the song continues it becomes clear that the angel eyes are Crowley's. Aziraphale still remembers Crowley as an angel, evident by the way he keeps insisting he sees good in him and then asking him to become an angel once again in the end of S2. And as we all know Crowley's angel eyes glow unbearably bright indeed.

11. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road - Elton John

So goodbye yellow brick road Where the dogs of society howl You can't plant me in your penthouse I'm going back to my plough Back to the howling old owl in the woods Hunting the horny back toad Oh, I've finally decided my future lies Beyond the yellow brick road

Although this song is originally about wanting to leave a world of fame and go back to a more quiet rural life, I've interpreted the idea of returning to your roots as something more like giving up - Aziraphale at the end of S2, deciding to stop chasing after this imaginary dream at the end of the yellow brick road, and resigning himself to just doing his job, thwarting evil and working for the man. I know reading "the howling old owl in the woods" as god and heaven, and "the horny back toad" as demons is a bit more on the nose than the charming and nostalgic original meaning, but before I researched this song it really did feel more resigned and like a bad ending. I also really like the penthouse bit, cause while in the original it's referring to opulence and excess, in my context it sounds like it's referring to Crowley's modern flat, and him wanting to plant Aziraphale in a little pot among his other plants..

12. Absentee - Cass McCombs

Walking on the country road late last night I passed a stranger in the moonlight I turned around to see Where he did flee But there was just me Return the deep Absentee

I like how the "country road" line kinda ties back to the last song, the rural country representing heaven, and this road being in stark contrast to the yellow brick one. Fun how the aesthetics are flipped too.

This song makes me nervous, and sad. As Aziraphale walks into the elevator he turns back to see Crowley, leaning on the Bentley, still waiting for him. Aziraphale is the one leaving.

[norinm]

𝓜𝔂 𝓓𝓸𝓹𝓹𝓮𝓵𝓰𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓻| 𝓔𝓵𝓮𝓷𝓪 𝓖𝓲𝓵𝓫𝓮𝓻𝓽 𝓣𝓥𝓓

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- 𝘈 𝘛𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘝𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘔𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘍𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘍𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘌𝘹𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘭𝘨𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘌𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘢 𝘎𝘪𝘭𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘵．

𝘌𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘢 𝘎𝘪𝘭𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘈 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘝𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘋𝘢𝘮𝘰𝘯 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘌𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬 ．

𝘌𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘢 𝘨𝘪𝘭𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘹 𝘍𝘦𝘮 𝘚𝘵𝘦𝘧𝘢𝘯 𝘚𝘢𝘭𝘷𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘦 （𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘹 ）

Sᴇᴀsᴏɴ ᴏɴᴇ

Sᴛᴀʀᴛᴇᴅ Jᴀɴᴜᴀʀʏ 15

ᴏɴɢᴏɪɴɢ:

𝑰

Pilot

Warnings⚠️⛔️‼️: drugs, smoking, mentions of sex.

Elena walk into the kitchen setting her jacket down

"Toast, I can make toast."aunt Jenna says walking into the kitchen

"It's all about the coffee Aunt Jenna." Elena replies pouring coffee into a cup of coffee

"Is there coffee?" Jermey asked walking into the kitchen

"It's your first day of school and I'm totally unprepared." Aunt Jenna says as Jermey steals Elena  coffee from her as Elena sigh pouring another cup of coffee

"Lunch money?" Aunt Jenna ask

"I'm okay no thanks" Elena replies as Jermey takes the money from aunt Jenna

"Anything else a number two Pencil? What am I missing?" Aunt Jenna asks

"Don't you have a big presentation today Aunt Jenna?"Elena asks

"I'm meeting with my thesis advisor at..Now. Crap!"

"Then go. We'll be fine promise"Elena smiles at aunt Jenna before she leaves I turn around to Jermey

"you okay"Elena asked

"Don't start Lena" Jermey replied before walking away drinking his coffee.

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

"So Grams is telling me I'm psychic. Our Ancestors were from Salem witches and all that, I know, crazy but she's going on and on about it and I'm like,Put this woman in a home already!" Bonnie laughs as Elena  smile looking out the window before Bonnie starts talking again

"But then I started thinking I predicted Obama and I predicted Heath Ledger and i still think Florida will break off and turn into little resort islands." Bonnie says as she looks at Elena when Elena didn't say anything

"Elena! Back in the car." Bonnie says smiling Elena  as Elena  turn around facing her

"I did it again, didn't I? I-I'm sorry, Bonnie" Elena says

"You were telling me that" Elena goes to say before Bonnie cuts her off

"-That I'm psychic now."Bonnie says

"Right. Okay. Then predict something. About me."

"I see" Bonnie trails off when suddenly a bird hit the front of the car, making Bonnie swerve to the side

"What was that? Oh, my God!"Bonnie says as Elena is breathing heavily

"Elena, are you okay?"Bonnie ask Elena

"It's okay. I'm fine. Really" Elena says calming her breathing

"It was like a bird or something. It came out of nowhere."Bonnie says

"Really, I-I can't be freaked out by cars for the rest of my life."Elena says to Bonnie

They smile at each other "I predict, this year is going to be kick ass. 'And I predict all the sad and dark times are over'

As Elena  nodded her head listening to Bonnie  "'and you are going to be beyond happy'"Bonnie says as we both smile at each other before driving off again.

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

"Major lack of male real estate"Bonnie says walking next to Elena  in the hallway

"Look at the shower curtain on Kelly Beach. She looks a hot..Can I say "'Tranny mess?'"Bonnie says as we got to our lockers

"No, that's over."

"Uh,find a man , coin a phrase." "It's a busy year."Bonnie replies as she opens her locker then looks behind me I look where she's looking and see Matt Elena  wave at him awkwardly behind looking away

"He's hates me he's upset that I broke up with him"Elena says

"That's not hate That's 'You rejected me, but I'm too cool to show it. But secretly I'm listening to Air Supply's greatest hits'"Bonnie says as Elena chuckle's

"Elena. Oh my God."Caroline says hugging elena as Elena hug her back

"How are you?" "Oh, it's so good to see you"Caroline says "How is she , is she good?"

"Uhh hello Caroline , I'm right here Caroline thank you" Elena said

"And I'm fine. Thank you." Elena said and fake smile at her

"Really?"Caroline ask me

"Yes so Much better" Elena says sarcastically

"Oh, you poor thing." Caroline says and hugs Elena

okay that's enough"Elena says pushing Caroline off her

"Okay see you guys later?"Caroline says

"yeah bye" Elena says

"Okay bye." Caroline says walking away

As Elena  turn around facing Bonnie

"No comment."Elena says

"I'm not gonna say anything."Bonnie says as they both walk together side by side in the school hallway

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

"Don't take more than two in a six-hour window" Jermey says to Vicky

"Hey Vicki. I knew I'd find you here with crackheads."Tyler says walking up to Vicky

"Hey." Vicky says sweetly to Tyler as Jermey is smoking

"Hey Pete Wentz called. He wants his nail polish back" Tyler says to Jermey

"Wentz, huh? How old school TRL of you. Carson Daly fan?" Jermey says as Tyler gets upset stepping towards Jermey as Vicky says

"Oh, Ty be nice. Be nice." Vicky says pushing him back

"That's Elena's little brother." Vicky says

"I know who he is I'll still kick his ass."

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

"Hold up. Who's this?"Bonnie asks as she sees someone in the office

"All I see is back" Elena says chuckling

"it's a hot back." Bonnie replies staring at the new kid from the hallway as Elena chuckles at her

"You're missing immunization records and we do insist on transcripts." The lady at the desk tells the new kid

"Please. Look again."She says taking of her glasses "I'm sure everything you need is there." She says 

"Well. You're right. So it is."The lady says smiling

"I'm sensing Seattle and he plays the guitar." Bonnie says  Elena chuckles and looks at Bonnie

"You're really gonna run this whole psychic thing into the ground. Huh?"Elena ask Bonnie

"Pretty much."Bonnie says

"I'll be right back"Elena says going after her literally brother

"Please be hot." Bonnie says 

Jermey putting eye drops in his eyes "Are you stoned Jermey we talked about this you know you can talk to me."Elena says cupping his face gently looking at him

"No. I'm not"Jermey says

"Are you sure where is it?" Elena asked checking his pants pockets

"Stop it. Alright?"Jermey says

  "Look I'm sorry okay I'm just worried about you okay i know who you are. And it's not this person so don't be this person okay I just want you to talk to me. fine fine I'll leave you alone...for now"Elena says

as a dude walk out of the stall bathroom "Dude wash your hands?!"The guy goes back to wash his hands

  "I know Lena I don't need this but I'm fine okay don't worry about me" Jermey says kissing Elena forehead before leaving the bathroom Elena turn around sighing

"Thank you."The New girl said

"You're welcome."The secretary said

As The new Girl walks out the office walking past Bonnie as Bonnie continues staring at the new kid  following her just as she past Caroline  , Caroline stares at her as well

Elena walks out the boys restroom bumping into the Stefanie "Uh. pardon me.Um..Uh is this the men's room?" Stefanie says looking at Elena Stefanie asks Elena 

"Yes. I was just talking to my brother about something.

I was just, Um—I was just—It's a long story...."Elena says as Stefanie smiles at her

Elena tries to pass. Stefanie makes way for her.

"Thank you." Elena says

walking away as Stefanie  continues staring at Elena just as she turns the corner Elena looks back at her walking away.

Elena is sitting in class as she looks back at Stefanie and they made eye contact before she looks away smiling before looking back at the teacher speaking.

As Bonnie texted Elena 

HAWT-E.

STARING @ U.

Elena just sighs and puts her phone away

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

Elena is walk to the cemetery as she writes in her diary

'Dear, diary. I made it through the day. I must have said "I'm fine, thanks" at least 37 times.  And I didn't mean it once.But no one noticed. When someone asks "How are you?"  They really don't want an answer.'

As a black crow lands on one of the grave stones and squawks

"Okay. Hi. bird." Elena says to the crow

"That's not creepy or anything" Elena says writing in her diary as fog starts to appear Elena then looks around confused as Elena gets up and walks towards the crow

"Shoo!" Elena says to the crow as the crow flys away

"That's what I thought" Elena said to herself  as she turns around the crow caws at her as Elena jumps back

Elena slowly reaches down and picks her bag up and runs away as the crow fly off Elena walks out of the cemetery looking over her shoulder before continuing to walk away as a person is standing next to one the grave stones watching her leave.

Elena then turns around seeing someone there as she runs off into the woods she falls on her leg before getting back up she turns around to see the new girl standing there.

"You okay?" The girl asked her

"Were you following me?" Elena asked her

"No. I, I uh, I just..I saw you fall." She said

"Uh-huh, and you just happened to be hanging out in a cemetery." Elena says chuckling nervously

"I'm visiting. I have family here." Stefanie said

"Oh.Wow Tactless." Elena says "I'm sorry it's the fog It's-it's making me foggy." "And then back there, there was this-this bird and it was all very Hitchcock for a second. That-that is the bird movie right? The-the Hitchcock?" Elena rants to Stefanie as Stefanie smile at her

Elena stops ranting and looks to see Stefanie smiling at her

"I'm Elena."  Elena says telling Stefanie her name 

"I'm Stefan." Stefanie says telling Elena her name

"And I know. We have history together so..." Elena chuckles at Stefanie

"And English and French." Stefanie added

"Right." Elena says  as Stefanie picks the leaf off her jacket

"Thanks...Nice ring." Elena says

  "Oh. Uh, it's a family ring." Stefanie says lifting up her hand

"Yeah. I'm kinda stuck with it. It's weird. huh?" Stefanie asked Elena 

"No, no, it's just, I mean, there are rings and then there's that." Elena chuckles as Stefanie plays with her ring on her finger

Stefanie frowns looking down at Elena's leg then looking back up at her "Did you hurt yourself?" Stefanie asks Elena

"Hmm?" Elena ask

"Did you hurt yourself?" Stefanie asked  Elena again as she walks over the rock on the ground

"Oh, uh..I don't know." Elena say as puts her foot on the rock rolling up her pants leg showing that she indeed hurt herself.

"Oh!. Would you look at that." "That is not pretty." Elena said as he turns to look at Stefanie only for her to turn her head as her vampire face shows

"You okay?" Elena asked her

"You should go. Take care of that." Stefanie suggested

"Really, it's nothing." Elena says

pulling her pants legs back down before standing back up to see that Stefanie disappeared leaving her by herself confused.

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

𝐒𝐚𝐥𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞

(Stefanie)

'I lost control today. Everything I've kept buried inside came rushing to the surface. I'm simply not able to resist her.'

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

Caroline and Bonnie walking together in mystic grill

"His name is Stefanie Salvatore she lives with up at the old Salvatore boarding house. She hasn't lived here since she was a kid. Military family, so they moved around a lot. She's a Gemini and her favorite color is blue." Caroline ranted to Bonnie

"You got all of that in one day?" Bonnie asked looking at Caroline

"Oh , please I got all that between third and fourth period.  We're planning a June weeding." Caroline says walking away

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

Elena's house

"Im meeting Bonnie at the grill." Elena says to her Aunt Jenna

"Okay, have fun. Wait, I got this." Aunt Jenna says turning around facing Elena

"Don't stay out late, it's a school night." Aunt says trying to be serious putting her hand on her hips

"Well done. Aunt Jenna." Elena chuckles as Elena walk towards the front door and gasps in shock to see Stefanie

"Oh " Elena says

"Sorry, I was about to knock." Stefanie says 

"I wanted to apologize for my disappearing act earlier. I know I was...strange." Stefanie says sincerely 

"Yes it was but, No worries. I get it, blood makes you squeamish." Elena says as they both chuckle softly

"Um, something like that." Stefanie says before asking her about her leg "How's your leg?" 

"Oh, it's fine just a scratch, barely." Elena smiles and laughs softly "How did you know where I lived?"  Elena said asking Stefanie

"It's a small town. I asked the first person I saw Um. I thought you might want this back." Stefanie says handing Elena her diary

"Oh, I must have dropped it. I..Thank you." Elena says

"Don't worry, I didn't...read it." Stefanie said

"No?" Elena questioned her

"Why not ? Most people would have." Elena said

"Well, I wouldn't want anyone to read mine." Stefanie says

"You keep a journal?" Elena asked

"Yeah, if I don't write it down I forget it." Stefanie says

"Memories are too important." Stefanie continues to explain.

"Yeah." Elena says blankly staring at Stefan squinting her eyes

"I-I'm just gonna, um..you don't have to stay out there." Elena says walking away to put her journal up

Stefanie tries to go in but can't

"I'm fine.Sorry, were you going somewhere?" Stefan asked Elena from outside the door as Elena walks back to door after she put her journal up

"Yeah, I'm meeting a friend there." Elena says

"Do you want to come?" Elena asked Stefan

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

The Grill

"How's Elena doing?" Matt asked Bonnie

"Her mom and died. How do you think?" Bonnie tells Matt

"She's putting on a good face, but it's only been four months." Bonnie says to Matt

"Has she said anything about me?" Matt asked

"Oh, no. So not getting in the middle. You pick up the phone and call her." Bonnie suggested to Matt

"I feel weird calling her She broke up with me." Matt says to Bonnie

"Give it more time. Matt" Bonnie says to him as he see Elena walks in the grill with Stefanie

"More time Huh?" Matt replies as he gets up and walks up Elena and Stefan as Caroline and Tyler watches him

"Hey, I'm Matt , nice to meet you" Matt introduces himself

"Hi, Stefanie " Stefanie greets him back shaking his hand as Matt looks at Elena

"Hey." Elena

"Hey."Matt said

"So, you were born in Mystic falls?" Caroline asked Stefanie

"Mm-Hmm. And moved when I was still young." Stefanie said

"Parents?" Bonnie asked

"My parents passed away." Stefanie said

"I'm sorry. Any siblings?" Elena asked

"None that I talk. I live with my uncle." Stefanie said

"So, Stefanie, if you're new, then you don't know about the party tomorrow." Caroline says

"It's a back to school thing at the falls" Bonnie says

"Are you going?" Stefanie asked elena 

"Of course she is" Bonnie said

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

Salvatore Boarding House

"You promised" uncle Zach said

Zach shows Stefanie the newspaper article

"This was an animal attack." Stefanie said

"Don't give me that. I know the game. You tear them up enough, they always suspect an animal attack. You said you had it under

control." Zach said

"And I do." Stefanie told him

"Please, Aunt Stefanie . Mystic Falls is a different place now. It's been quiet for years, but there are people who still remember. And you being here, it's just going to stir things up." Zach said

"It's not my intention." Stefanie said

"Then what is? Why did you come back? After all this time, why now?" Zach asked

" I don't have to explain myself." Stefanie said

"I know that you can't change what you are. But you don't belong here anymore." Zach said

"Where do I belong?" Stefanie asked

"I can't tell you what to do. But coming back here was a mistake." Zach said

Opens a door. Pulls out a journal with what looks to be a really old picture of Elena. The writing under the picture says Katherine 1864

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

Mystic Falls High School

"The Battle of Willow Creek took place right at the end of the war in our very own Mystic Falls. How many casualties resulted in this battle? Ms. Bennett?" Mr Tanner asked Bonnie

"Um...a lot? I'm not sure. Like a whole lot." Bonnie answered

"Cute becomes dumb in an instant, Ms. Bennett. Mr. Donovan? Would you like to take this opportunity to overcome your embedded jock stereotype?" Mr Tanner asked Matt

"It's okay, Mr. Tanner, I'm cool with it." Matt said

"Hmm. Elena? Surely you can enlighten us about one of the town's most significantly historical events?" Mr Tanner asked elena

"I'm sorry, I--I don't know." Elena said

"I was willing to be lenient last year for obvious reasons, Elena. But the personal excuses ended with summer break." Mr Tanner said

"There were 346 casualties. Unless you're counting local civilians." Stefanie said

"That's correct.Miss ...?" Mr Tanner asked

"Salvatore" Stefanie said

"Salvatore. Any relation to the original settlers here at Mystic Falls?" Mr Tanner asked

"Distant" Stefanie said

"Well, very good. Except, of course, there were no civilian casualties in this battle." Mr Tanner said

"Actually, there were 27, sir. Confederate soldiers, they fired on the church, believing it to be housing weapons. They were wrong. It was a night of great loss. The founder's archives are, uh, stored in civil hall if you'd like to brush up on your facts, Mr. Tanner." Stefanie said

"Hmm." Mr Tanner said

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

Woods

Stefanie arrives at the party and is listening for Elena.

"Just admit it, Elena." Bonnie said

"Oh, okay, so she's a little hot." Elena said

"She has that romance novel stare." Bonnie said

Caroline walks up to Stefanie

"Hey! You made it!" Caroline says

"I did" Stefanie says

"Well, let's get you a drink." Caroline suggests

"Well, I'm—" Stefanie goes to say

"Oh, come on." Caroline says

Bonnie and Elena are still talking

"So where is she?" Bonnie asks

" I don't know. You tell me, you're the psychic one." Elena said

"Right, I forgot. Okay, so give me a sec. Grams says I have to concentrate." Bonnie said

"Wait, you need a crystal ball." Elena said

She gives her a bottle. Bonnie takes it and touches Elena's hand. Bonnie spaces out for a while, comes back to her senses, and abruptly pulls her hand back.

"What?" Elena asked

"That was weird. When I touched you, I saw a crow." Bonnie said

"What?" Elena asked confused

"A crow. There was fog, a man. I'm drunk. It's the drinking. There's nothing psychic about it. Yeah? Ok, I'm gonna get a refill." Bonnie says

Bonnie leaves Elena alone

"Okay? Bonnie!" Elena said

Elena turns around and Stefanie is behind her

"Hi." Stefanie said

"Hi." Elena said

" I did it again, didn't it?" Stefanie asked

"Yeah." Elena said

"I'm sorry. You're upset about something." Stefanie said

"Oh, uh, no, it's- it's just Bonnie. She's...You know what? Never mind. You're...here." Elena said

"I'm here." Stefanie said

─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

Bridge near the party.

"You know, you're kind of the talk of the town." Elena said

"Am I?" Stefanie asked

"Mmm hmm. Mysterious new girl, oh, yeah." Elena said

"Well, you have the mysterious thing going, too. Twinged in sadness." Stefanie said

I DON'T OWN THE VAMPIRE DIARES

I ONLY OWN MY CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK AS FEM STEFAN

[trekkiepirate]

I posted 317 times in 2022

49 posts created (15%)

268 posts reblogged (85%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@soundsfaebutokay

@wren-of-the-woods

@ruffboijuliaburnsides

@intheseautumnhands

@a-kind-of-merry-war

I tagged 262 of my posts in 2022

Only 17% of my posts had no tags

#joey batey - 67 posts

#the witcher - 45 posts

#jaskier - 26 posts

#the amazing devil - 23 posts

#yennefer - 17 posts

#madeleine hyland - 14 posts

#billy the kid - 11 posts

#other people's damn fine art - 7 posts

#adorable abby - 7 posts

#anya chalotra - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and i also just assume neil gaiman summoned dream and very politely and with due deference asked him if he wanted to play himself in a show

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Okay but this time next week I will be IN LONDON!!!

I have been wanting to go to England and London literally all my life. I do not remember when I first wanted to go because I always have. And I am FINALLY GOING!

20 notes - Posted May 25, 2022

#4

BETH. Beth Beth Beth. Joey Batey's soft, sad face and his soft, gentle voice will be my undoing. I am trying to watch Billy the Kid but I keep stopping to poke around at other things because he makes me wanna scream and it's midnight and I would wake the whole neighborhood. It's been an hour, Beth, and I'm only halfway through. Why am I like this. WHY IS *HE* LIKE THIS. I blame him for everything.

Oh my dearling, I am here for when you get to the end of the episode because if you are emotionally compromised NOW just wait until he's wrapped in a blankie and talking to his son about stars and crying I HAVE NOT RECOVERED YET and I watched it like a month ago!

20 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

#3

🪄!

A LYRIC I AM NOT NORMAL ABOUT

Surprising no one, it's The Amazing Devil, SPECIFICALLY

Though some would harm you/ none not one no none/ would raise to you/a hand nor thumb/ not while by you/ I stand and hum

First of all, how dare Joey Batey. Second of all, the way the words flow just hits all the happiest places in my brain for sound. Thirdly, the context is just so damn sweet.

23 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

#2

Bethhhhhhh you were right you were right in your predictions. Joey is Billy the Kid's dad. Have you seen this trailer yet? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Cw8v1CP9W0

I KNEW IT I BLOODY KNEW IT I SHALL CROW FOR THE REST OF TIME! (and bless you darling, I hadn’t seen it yet)

Also yep, hence the beard and also EXCUSE ME SIR IRISH ACCENT and I mean, I know his dad dies (and Joey’s only in the first episode) but also HOW DARE THEY KILL OFF MY BEST BELOVED JAIL JAIL FOR THE WILD WEST FOR 1000 YEARS

26 notes - Posted February 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Heath Ledger was fine too.

On his multimillion dollar set with all the cast and crew around him.

Good to know that the world hasn't changed. People still think showing concern for mens' mental health and wellbeing is "infantilizing".

Thanks for showing how little the fandom cares beyond making Jaskier fuck Geralt.

I wasn't going to answer because your tone is very dismissive and very rude, truly I wasn't. But you hit a sore spot.

I AM concerned for Joey's mental health, broadly. He has admitted to (and wrote even a song about) being socially Anxious and I think he may also deal with Depression. So I am worried for him because I know how those conditions can badly affect people, particularly men who are seen as lesser for having and admitting to mental illness(es). If I even vaguely SUSPECTED he was hurt or mistreated on set I'd be at the forefront of the Anger Riot, believe me. But I do not know him personally, so I cannot speak to how things affect him on a day to day level. And Nonny, neither can you. We are fans. We are not his friends or his caretakers. We are outsiders to his life and should take HIS word for how he is treated.

But I also believe Joey was NOT mistreated nor was his mental health irrevocably damaged from filming this scene. Was he shaken because being tied up is strenuous and playing someone being tortured is a mental mind fuck? Yes, of course, he admits that. But he is an amazing actor and yes, it can take time to return from the dark places one's mind can go, especially for a scene like that. But he came back. He came back and moved on and did his next scenes and finished filming and moved on to further projects and is probably preparing for season 3 as we speak. And moreover, he's DONE IT BEFORE. Yes, he's new to a recurring role on large scale shows like The Witcher but Joey has been working at a decent clip since before he left Cambridge, both on stage and screen.

He has a torture scene in Wolf Hall/Bring Up The Bodies, the play he did right out of drama school (and where the gods saw fit to introduce him to Madeleine Hyland and thus brighten not only their own lives but all ours). I have heard it, he SCREAMS. He cries, he sounds very very NOT OKAY. But y'know what? He was. Joey has done death scenes and stunts and has played characters in very dark mental places. So doing a physically and mentally and emotionally demanding scene is not new to him. And he did it on a set full of people that Joey specifically mentions multiple times in multiple interviews as being supportive of him, looking after him. He mentioned having panic/anxiety attacks (I believe anxiety but cannot recall exactly which rn) and that his friends and colleagues on The Witcher were incredibly supportive and kind to him. I place his own words about his experience as closer to the truth of the matter than people who are misconstruing what sounds like a scary situation to them, out of context. That's why I made the post, to give context to how these sorts of things usually go.

Are there still sets where an experience like this was probably the worst of an actor’s life? Yes, of course, we know this. But it is not the majority and I cannot believe that was the case here.

I cannot speak to Heath Ledger's experience, I wasn't engaged enough to read all his interviews the way I do Joey's. Though I was shocked and utterly heartbroken when he died. As I was with Robin Williams. As I was when I learned how River Phoenix and Jonathan Brandis died, after the fact. I think caring about men's mental health is GREAT and necessary and bloody important and that more people SHOULD care. But I think creating issues where there were none is not the way to go about it.

Lastly, honestly at this point I'm more on the Yennskier train. I can separate what I WANT from what the show GIVES because that's the point of fandom and fic. Going "Okay but WHAT IF these characters DID kiss?" But this isn't about shipping. It's not about pitting characters or ships or actors or people against each other. This is about how people are overly worrying about Joey's mental health and not Anya's. Or Freya's even. Both had dark mental places to go this season (and last season), both had physically taxing scenes. Anya was also restrained in a torture scene this season, but no one drew a comparison even though it is easy to make. No one asked if she was okay. No one worried she was mistreated they way some folks have claimed Joey was.

I think it boils down to some people want to hate the show and the people who make it, but not hate Joey. So if they can say Joey was mistreated (and I truly, TRULY believe he was not) on set or by the show then they can justify being a fan of his while hating on a show he SPECIFICALLY calls the best job he's ever had. Where he mentions again and again that he was supported by everyone: cast, crew and creatives.

So, I do think it is infantilizing to dismiss His Own Words because they don't fit the idea some folks have formed of who he is or how he is treated on set. I would highly recommend reading this interview: https://boysbygirls.co.uk/conversations/joey-batey (done AFTER FILMING) as it is a very in-depth and revealing one about who Joey really is and how he operates in the world and how he finds his equilibrium when it's thrown off, whether by work or life in general. He has a good support system, Madeleine of course and he mentions his sisters. He has good coping mechanisms, creating music and writing and building furniture apparently that was a new one. :) I think he has one of the healthiest perspectives on life I have ever heard and I think it has taken him years and support and work to get there for himself. And I am very glad he seems to be doing so well in his life. Because I want him to be happy and healthy.

Joey was and is fine. Your concern about him is good! Caring about him is good! Your misplaced anger is not good.

61 notes - Posted January 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[chrisevanslovesposts]

Pilot

Harper had woken up and got dressed and once finished and ready for her day she just sat in her window seat and thought about stuff looking out the window. She finally got up and got her stuff and went downstairs where her Aunt Jenna was looking through the fridge and Elena was just walking.

"Toast. I can make toast." Aunt Jenna said as Elena walked over to the coffee machine and poured herself coffee. 

"It's all about the coffee, Aunt Jenna." Elena said then Harper took her cup so she got a new one and started pouring it into the mug. 

"Is there coffee?" Jeremy, their little brother asked then took the cup Elena had just poured. 

"Your first day of school, and I'm totally unprepared." Jenna said then walked up to the three siblings and held up a some money. 

"Lunch money?" She asked

"I'm okay." Both twins sisters told then Jeremy took all the money.

"Anything else? A number 2 pencil? What am I missing?" Jenna asked

"Don't you have a big presentation today?" Harper asked her.

"I'm meeting with my thesis adviser at.... now. Crap." Jenna said taking her hair out of her bun.

"Then go. We'll be fine." Elena told her and Jenna smiled at them and walked out.

"You okay?" Harper asked her siblings.

 "Don't start." Jeremy told her and walked out and Elena didn't answer.

Harper watched him walk out before looking at her sister with raised eyebrows.

%

Bonnie was driving them to school and Elena was in the passenger seat and Harper was in the middle back seat. 

"So Grams is telling me I'm psychic. Our ancestors were from Salem, witches and all that. I know crazy, but she going on and on about it. And I'm like put this lady in a home already. But then I thinking, I predicted Obama, and I predicted Heath Ledger. And I still think Florida will break off and turn into little resort Islands." Bonnie told the twins as Harper stared at her shoes and Elena stared out the window.

"Girls, back in the car." Bonnie said getting their attention.

"Sorry." Harper mumbled out.

"I did it again, didn't I? I'm sorry, Bonnie. You were telling us that--" Elena said

"That I'm psychic now." Bonnie told them

"Right, okay, then predict something about us." Harper pointed between herself and her sister.

"I see--" Bonnie said then a crow hit her windshield making her swerve and turning them almost around.

Harper gasped as she grabbed onto the seats and shut her eyes. The car stopped and she peaked one eye up and looked around before opening two.

"What was that? Oh, my god. Are you guys okay?" Bonnie asked

"I'm okay." Elena siad

"I'm fine." Harper told her

"It was like a bird or something. It came out of nowhere." Bonnie told them.

"Really, we can't be freaked out by cars for the rest of our lives." Harper told her and Bonnie smiled.

"I predict this year is going to be kick-ass. And I predict all the sad and dark times are over. And you guys are going to be beyond happy." Bonnie told them making them both smile.

%

"Major lack of male real estate. Look at the shower curtain on Kelly beech. She looks a hot-- Can I still say trannie mess?" Bonnie asked as they walked down the hall way.

"No, that's over." Elena told her as they stopped at the lockers.

"Find a man and coin a phrase. It's a busy year." Bonnie said as she started the open her locker then looked past Elena making the twins turn around to see Matt staring at Elena and Elena gave him a wave and he just grabbed his stuff out his locker and slammed it shut walking away.

"He hates me." Elena told them

"That's not hate. That's, 'you dumped me, but I'm too cool to show it, but secretly I'm listening to Air Supply's greatest hits'." Bonnie said before they heard a voice.

"Elena, Harper. Oh, my god.  How are you? Oh, it's so good to see you guys." Caroline another one of their friends asked giving them both a hug before turning to Bonnie.

"How are they? Are they good?" Caroline asked Bonnie like they weren't their.

"Caroline, we're right here. And we're fine, thank you." Harper told her giving her a small smile

"Really?" Caroline asked as Elena nodded her head.

"Yes, much better." 

"Oh, you poor thing." Caroline said hugging Harper 

"Okay, Caroline." Harper said after Caroline squeezed her and she finally let go of her.

"Okay, see you guys later?" Caroline asked them all

"Okay, yeah. Bye." Elena said as she walked away before both girls looked at Bonnie with wide eyes.

"No comment. I'm not gonna say anything" Elena said as they started their walk down the hall again.

They were walking past the office when Bonnie stopped them.

"Hold up. Who's this?" Bonnie asked and both girls turned to see two guys standing in the office who both looked pretty hot.

"All I see is back." Elena said

"It's a hot back." Bonnie said

"Your records are incomplete." They heard the principal say.

"I'm sensing Seattle, and he plays the guitar and him drums." Bonnie said looking between the two boys.

"You're really gonna run this psychic thing into the ground, huh?" Harper asked turning towards Bonnie with a chuckle.

"Pretty much." Bonnie nodded making her chuckle more.

"Jeremy, good batch, man." Harper heard a guy say and she looked past Bonnie to see Jeremy walking into the bathroom.

Harper hit her sisters arm and pointed at him as she sighed.

"We'll be right back." Elena told her then they both walked after him into the boys bathroom.

When they walked in Jeremy was putting eyes drops in his eyes. 

"Woah." A guy said coming out of a stall.

 "Next down, chick." He told them

As Harper grabbed Jeremy face and looking into his eyes.

"Great. First day of school, and you're stoned." Harper said shaking her head.

"No, I'm not." Jeremy told her.

"Where is it? Is it on you?" Harper asked grabbing his pockets.

"Stop. You need to chill yourself, all right?" Jeremy told her.

"Chill myself? What is that, stoner talk? Dude, you are so cool." Harper said reaching for his pockets again.

"Look. Stop.I don't have anything on me. Are you crazy?" Jeremy asked

"You haven't seen crazy, Jeremy. I gave you a summer pass. But I am done watching you destroy yourself." Harper said as Jeremy tried to stand up off the sink and walk out but Harper put her hand up stopping him.

"No, you know what? Go ahead, keep it up. But just know that me and Elena are going to be there to ruin your buzz every time. You got it?" Harper asked him then someone flushed the toilet then walked out as she sighed.

"Jeremy, I know who you are, and its not this person. So don't be this person." Harper told him calmly

"I don't need this." Jeremy said got up and walked out.

Harper sighed and turned to look at her and shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't what were gonna do?" Harper told her sister. 

"Mhm." Elena said

"All right lets get going." Harper said walking past Elena to walk out. 

Harper walked out just to run into someone. She looked up to met with a hot guy with brown hair, blue eyes, and did she mention hot. There was another guy behind him who looked a little bit alike him but looked a little younger and had green eyes. Elena stepped out from behind Harper and was about to say something when she saw him and she stopped.

"Uh, Pardon me. Um, Is this the men's room?" He asked looking between her and the bathroom.

"Yes, I was just... um, I was just... It's a long story." Harper said and he nodded his head with a smile. 

Harper smiled and went to go right but the guy also stepped right, She also went to go left but he stepped that way too. He smiled at her and moved out of her way and she smiled and walked past him.

"Elena come on." Harper said to her sister who was staring at the younger guy. 

"Thank you." She said to the guy.

Harper smiled as her and Elena walked on and as they rounded the corner she looked at him to see him stopped in front of the door looking at her and for the younger guy he was staring at Elena. 

%

"Once our home state of Virginia joined confederacy in 1861 it created a tremendous amount of tension within the state. People of Virginia's Northwest had different ideas....from those of traditional  deep South. And Virginia divided....." Harper didn't hear anymore as she looked towards the guy she ran into outside the bathroom and he was looking at the history teacher before he looked right at her. She smiled and looked away, looking in the whole other direction. Harper felt her phone vibrate and she pulled it out and looked at the message Bonnie had sent to the group chat with her, Harper, and Elena. 

Bonnie

2 Hawt-es staring @ you 2.

Harper smiled shaking her head and put her phone away and looking back up front. 

%

Harper and Elena were walking down the sidewalk when they came up the cemetery.

"You coming?" Harper asked her sister

"Yeah." Elena nodded as they walked into the cemetery. 

They walked over to their mother and fathers grave as Elena pulled out her notebook and Harper pulled out earbuds and placed them in putting on music. Harper got on her phone pulling up her notes and started to type.

Dear diary, I made it through the day. I must've said, "I'm fine, thanks." at least 37 times. And I didn't mean it once. But no one noticed, not even Elena which is weird cause she notices everything. When someone asks , "How are you?" they really don't want an answer." Harper typed before Elena spoke.

"Okay. Hi, bird. That's not creepy or anything." Elena said then went back to writing as Harper looked around. 

That's how she noticed the fog and nudged Elena's leg making her look down and she the fog. Harper took her earbuds out hooking the string on her shirt as she set her phone on the ground as she stood up along with Elena. 

"shoo!" Harper yelled trying to shoo the bird away.

When she turned the bird was on the tombstone she was leaning on. Elena grabbed her bag off the ground and backed away.

"Come on, Elena." Harper said running past the headstone 

When she turned back she saw a figure stood by the headstone and she turned walking into the thick trees and started running. She ran and as she looked back before she could look forward again she ran into something that made her fall. As she stood up to walk she looked forward and saw that she ran into the guy from out front the bathrooms. 

"You okay?" He asked as Harper took a breath of relief.

"Were you following me?" She asked him pointing back at the graveyard.

"No, I just-- I saw you running." He said as she nodded her head.

"Uh,uh. And you just happened to be hanging around out in a cemetery." Harper said

"I'm visiting. I have family here." He told her.

"Oh. Wow, tactless. I'm sorry. It's the fog. It's makes me foggy. Then back there, there was a bird. And it was all very Hitchcock for a second. That is the bird movie, right?  The Hitchcock..?" Harper said as the guy smiled making her chuckle

"I'm Harper." She told him

"I'm Theodore." He told her.

"I know, we have history together." Harper smiled

"And English and French." He nodded his head.

"Right." She nodded her head

"Oh." He said reaching out and pulling a leaf off her jacket.

"Thanks." Harper smiled then looked at and noticed the ring on his finger.  

"Nice ring." She said as he brought his hand up touching it.

"Oh. It's a family ring. Yeah. Kind of stuck with it. It's weird, huh?" He asked giving her a small smile.

"No, no. It's just-- I mean, there are rings, then there's that." Harper gave him a smile.

He smiled back and looked at the ground he looked back up before making a face. As he looked down at her leg, making her make a face.

"Did you hurt yourself?" He asked

"Hmm?" Harper asked

"Did you hurt yourself?" He asked again. 

"Oh, uh. I don't know." She said before lifting her pant leg up to find nothing. 

"hmm nothing." She said as she looked up from her bare leg to see Theodore was gone. 

She looked around confused then just stared at the spot that he was just in. Then she realized Elena wasn't with her. 

%

Harper walked down stairs when Jenna walked past her.

"I'm meeting Bonnie and Elena at the grill." She told her.

"Okay, have fun. Wait. I got this. Don't stay out late, it's a school night." Jenna told making her laugh.

"Well done, Aunt Jenna." Harper laughed then turned and open the door to see Theodore.

"Oh." She said surprised

"Sorry, I was about to knock. I wanted to apologize for my disappearing act earlier. I know it was strange." He gave her a chuckle.

"Now worries." Harper smiled at him.

"Uh, just my stomach started to hurt then I felt like I was gonna, well yeah. Didn't want you to see." He told her making her chuckle.

"I get it, defiantly.... Uh, how did you know where I lived?" Harper asked him.

"It's a small town. I just asked the first person I saw. Um, I thought you might want this back." Theodore said handing her, her phone

"Oh, I must have left it on the ground. I-- thank you." Harper said and when she opened it, it was still on her notes where she wrote.

"Don't worry, I didn't read it even though when I picked it up, it was still open and on it. I only read the first words, Dear Diary." Theodore told her as she chuckled.

"Why not? Most people would have." Harper asked

"Well, I wouldn't want anyone to read my mine." Theodore told her.

"You keep a journal?" Harper asked

"Yeah, if I don't write it down, I forget it. Memories are too important." Theodore said as Harper stared at him.

"Yeah. I'm just gonna...um... You don't have to stay out there." Harper told him then walked back into the house.

"I'm fine." She heard him say before she walked back over and saw him looking at the door frame. 

"Sorry, were you going somewhere?" He asked

"Yeah, I'm meeting my sister and a friend. Do you wanna come?" Harper asked him and he smiled. 

%

Theodore and Harper walked into the grill and saw Bonnie talking to Harper's ex, Levi. Harper knew he was a good guy but with everything that was going on at the time she couldn't handle it, it didn't matter he would be moving away soon anyway. As she looked around she saw a bunch of people look at them and she looked around and saw Elena sat down and Stefan, Theodore's little brother but not brother, walking over to her and sitting down with her until they both looked up at them. Levi got up and walked over to them holding his hand out to Theodore.

"Hey, I'm Levi. Nice to meet you." He said shaking Theodore's hand.

"Hi. Theodore." He shook his hand before Levi looked at Harper 

"Hi." She gave him her best smile

"Hi." Levi said like he was dead instead.

Soon Bonnie, Caroline, Elena, Stefan, Harper, and Theodore had all moved to a table and they were asking Theodore and Stefan questions.

"So you guys were born in Mystic Falls?" Caroline asked

"Mhm, moved when we were still young." Stefan nodded his head

"Parents?" Bonnie asked

"Our parents past away." Theodore said looking from every girl getting to Harper last.

"I'm sorry." Harper told him

"Any Siblings?" Elena asked them

"None that we talk too. I mean we're not real siblings. My mother and father abandoned me when I was 4 years old and the Salvatore's let me live with them. I was pretty much their brother, I looked like a little, I was disciplined the same way for the same things. When I was 12 I changed my last name on my birth certificate to Salvatore. We live with our uncle." Theodore told her 

"So, Stefan, if you're new, you don't know about the party tomorrow." Caroline said

"It's a back to school thing at the falls." Bonnie told him.

"Are you going?" Stefan asked Elena. 

"Of course she is." Bonnie said before Elena could speak and Harper chuckled.

"Hey, Theo, Harper's going. You should go with her." Elena turned to him making Harper's face go red.

"Only if she wants me too." Theodore said as Harper laugh.

"Sure." She smiled.

%

"The battle of Willow creek took place  at the end of the war in our very own Mystic Falls. How many causalities resulted in this battle?" Mr. Tanner the history teacher asked and no one raised their hands

"Miss Bennett?" He asked getting Bonnie's attention.

"Um, a lot? I'm not sure, but, like, a whole lot." Bonnie said making a few people chuckled.

"Cute becomes dumb in an instant, Miss Bennett. Mr. Donovan. Would you like to take this opportunity to overcome your jock stereotype?" Mr. Tanner asked

"It's okay, Mr. Tanner. I'm cool with it." Matt told him making everyone chuckle

"Mmm. Miss Gilbert. Either one. Surely, one of you can enlighten us about one of the town's most historical events." Mr. Tanner asked the twins

"I'm sorry. I don't know." Elena said as Harper shrugged her shoulders.

"I was willing to be lenient last year for obvious reasons. But the personal excuses ended with summer break." Mr. Tanner told them as Elena looked down at the table Harper went to say something but Theodore cut her off.

"There was 346 causalities." Theodore said

"unless your counting the local civilians." Stefan said

"That's correct, Mr..?" Tanner looked between them

"Salvatore." Theodore said

"Salvatore." Stefan said

"Salvatore. Any relations to the original settlers here at Mystic Falls?" Tanner asked the brothers that looked at each other.

"Distant." Stefan told him.

"Well, very good. Except, of course, there were no civilian casualties in this battle." Tanner told them

"Actually there were 27, sir." Stefan said

"Confederate soldiers fired on the church, believing it to be housing weapons. And they were wrong. It was night of great loss. The founders archives are in Civil Hall if you want to brush up on you're facts....Mr. Tanner." Theodore told him as people chuckled.

As Tanner looked between the two Salvatore brothers. 

%

"Just admit it, Harper." One of Harper's friend from school, Jenny.

"Okay, so he's a little pretty." She told her.

"He has that romance-novel stare. "Theodore looked deep into her eyes, piercing her very soul"." Jenny said making Harper laugh.

"So where is he?" Bonnie asked coming up with Elena.

"I don't know. You're the side kick, you tell me." Harper laughed.

"Right, I forgot. Okay, so give me a sec. Grams says I have to concentrate." Bonnie said closing her eyes.

"Wait, you need a crystal ball. Uh.... tada." Harper said picking an empty bear bottle up and held it out as she laughed.

Bonnie grabbed it, wrapping some on Harper's fingers in her grip before her eyes went wide for a second then she let go. Jenny looked from all three girls with a weird look and walked away.

"What?" Harper asked concerned a little.

"That was weird. When I touched you, I saw a crow." Bonnie said as Harper looked at Elena.

"What?" Harper asked

"A crow. There was fog, a man. I'm drunk. It's the drinking. There's nothing psychic about it. Yeah? Okay, I'm gonna get a refill." Bonnie told her and walked away as Elena walked quickly after her. 

"Okay. Bonnie?" Harper called after her, she sighed turning back to where Bonnie stood a moment ago and jumped, Theodore was stood there. 

"Hi." He smiled at her. 

"Hi." She gave a relieved chuckle

"I did it again, didn't I?" He asked

"Yeah." Harper scrunched her face up with a chuckle.

"I'm sorry... You're upset about something." He said after Harper made a face.

"Oh, uh...No, it's just Bonnie, she's... you know what? Never mind. You're here." Harper smiled at him.

"I'm here." He said and they just stared and smiled at each other. 

They started to talk and started to walk around, soon walked up onto the bridge.

"You know, you and Stefan are the talk of the town." Harper told him

"Are we?" He asked

"Mhm. Mysterious brothers, who aren't brothers but look alike, oh, yeah." Harper chuckled.

"Well, you have the mysterious thing going too. Twinged in sadness." He told her 

"What makes you think I'm sad?" She asked confused.

"Well, I mean, we did meet in a graveyard." Theodore said making her smile.

"Right. Well, no, technically, we met in the men's room." She told him making him let out a light chuckle as she looked down at her empty cup.

"You don't wanna know. It's not exactly party chitchat." Harper said with a sad chuckle.

"Well, I've never really been good at party chitchat." Theodore told her as they continued to walk.

"Last spring.... my parents' car drove off of a bridge into the lake. And I was in the back seat, and I survived.....but they didn't. So that's my story." Harper told him as she picked at the cup in here hands and she walked but stopped and turned to him when she heard him stop walking.

"You won't be sad forever, Harper." Theodore told her and she took a deep breath and nodded her head and gave him a small smile. 

They soon started to talk again and stood in the middle of the bridge leaned against the side as they got on the topic of Elena and Bonnie.

"I like Bonnie and Elena, they both seem like good friends and Elena seems like a good sister." Theodore told her.

"Best friends in the world." Harper told him

"And Levi can't seem to keep his eyes off us." Theodore told her and she looked over at him to him talking to Caroline, Bonnie, Stefan, and Matt and they were all staring at the pair.

"Levi's that friend since childhood that you starting dating.... because you owe it to yourselves of you can be more." Harper told him and he nodded his head when she didn't continue.

"And?" He asked

"And then my parents died. And everything changes. Anyway, Levi and I, together, we just.... I don't know, it wasn't.....it wasn't...." Harper struggled to find the word.

"Passionate." Theodore said in a soft voice making her look at and stare at him for a moment.

"No.  No, it wasn't passionate." She said as they stared at each other as they stared something happened to Theodore's eyes.

"Hey, are you okay? Your eye, it's just--it's...." She said looking at his eyes.

"Oh, um. Yeah. No, it's nothing." He said rubbing his eyes.

"Are you thirsty? I'm gonna get us a drink." He said grabbing her empty cup and walking away. 

Harper had eventually gone back to the bone fire where she looked around for Theodore but didn't find him. 

"Looking for someone?" Levi asked walking up to her 

"Hey." She said quietly.

"When you broke up with me, you said you needed some time alone. You don't look so alone to me." Levi said as she shook her head.

"Levi, you don't understand. It's..." She told him.

"It's okay, Harper. You do what you have to do. I just wanna let you know that I still believe in us. And I'm not giving up on that." Levi told her then walked awat.

"Levi." She said but he continued to walk away.

She looked around again and saw Theodore talking to Caroline before he walked way from her walking over to Harper. 

"I was wondering who abducted you, but now I know." Harper chuckled as she held onto the wall she sat on.

"She like that with all the guys?" He asked leaning against it.

"No. You're fresh meat. She'll back off eventually." Harper smiled before she heard glass bottles hit each other and looked for the source to see Jeremy stumbling into the woods.

"Oh, god, you gotta be kidding me." Harper said

"What is it?" Theodore asked

"My brother." Harper told him.

"The drunk one?" Theodore asked

"That would be the one. Excuse me." She said climbing off the wall to walk after him.

"Need some help?"Theodore asked

"Your not gonna want to witness this." She told him 

"Jeremy." Harper called after him.

"Jeremy. Jeremy, where the hell are you going?" Harper asked as she almost tripped over a branch.

"I don't want to hear it." He told her 

"Well to bad." She told as he tripped and she walked faster over to him.

"Vicki?No. Oh, my, god. It's Vicki." Jeremy said after tripping onto to her and she looked dead.

"Oh, my, god." Harper ran her hands through her hair.

"No." Jeremy said before touching her neck and she suddenly woke and passed back out again.

Jeremy picked her up and they walked out of the woods where everyone was.

"Somebody help!" Harper yelled as people looked there way and Matt ran over as Vicki was his sister.

"What happened?" Tyler Lockwood asked walking over

"Bonnie, Call an ambulance!" Matt yelled at Bonnie as everyone started to crowd around.

"Everybody back up. Give her some space." Tyler yelled shoving people back.

"It's her neck. Something bit her. She's losing a lot of blood. It's bad." Harper said

"Vicki, come on, open your eyes. Look at me." Tyler said

Eventually everyone had left and animal control, police, and the ambulance came. The ambulance took care of Vicki and Matt went with them and Elena called Aunt Jenna. Harper watched them get in the ambulance with Elena before Bonnie walked up to them.

"Hey, we're gonna go mainline coffee and wait for news."

"Okay, I gotta take Jeremy home." Elena told her as Bonnie looked at Harper.

"Harper, there's no way I'm psychic. I know that. But whatever I saw or think I saw... I have this feeling-- ." Bonnie said as Harper shook her head confused.

"Bonnie, what?" She asked

"--That's it just the beginning." Bonnie said then left

Harper walked over to Jeremy who was drinking a beer and she rubbed his back.

"You okay?" Harper asked and he moved his arm way from her and she stopped.

"I called Jenna. She's on her way. Those people in uniforms? Last time I checked, they're the police." Harper told him and he chugged the rest of his beer and threw it behind him on the ground.  

"People are gonna stop giving you breaks, Jer. They just don't care anymore. They don't remember that our parents are dead. They've got their own lives to deal with. The rest of the world has moved on. You should try too." Harper told him.

"I've seen you and Elena in the cemetery writing in your journal and on your phone. Is that supposed to be you moving on?" Jeremy asked her as she shook her head.

"Mom and dad wouldn't have wanted this." Elena said 

%

Dear Dairy,

I couldn't have been more wrong. I thought that I could smile and nod my way through it. Pretend like it would all be okay. I had a plan. I wanted to change who I was.  Create a life as someone new. Someone without the past. Without the pain. Someone alive. But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you. They follow you. You can't escape them... as much as you want to. All you can do is be ready for all the good...so when it comes, you invite it in because you need it. I need it.

Harper wrote until she looked out her window to see Theodore. She put her journal down and walked downstairs to the door where she opened it and he stood there.

"I know it's late..but, uh, I needed to know that you were okay." He said and she shrugged.

"You know, for months, that's all anyone's wondered about me...if I'll be okay." Harper told him.

"What do you tell them?" He asked

"That I'll be fine." She shrugged 

"Do you ever mean it?" He asked and she thought about it.

"Ask me tomorrow. It's warmer in the house. We can talk. Would you like to come in?" Harper asked and he smild.

"Yes." He said and walked in and Harper closed the door. 

[chaos-and-recover]

Hey this is the Larry shipper that used to believe it was a conspiracy with animatronic baby. Liam passing away is affecting me in many weird conflicting ways because he made a lot of mistakes like really big ones but 1D was still a big part of my life. I think I'm gonna delete my blog for mental health reasons bc it was so Larry conspiracy focused but also I trash talked Liam a lot (bc of the bad shit he did) and now I feel like I don't want it on the internet for everyone to come across even accidentally. I've been really sad even though he was a celebrity I don't know and didn't always like but I cried a little bit. But I am checking in on you also to make sure you are okay and also do not panic if you lose a follower it's just me deleting my blog. I'll probably start a new one with a new email but idk how mamy followers you have and if you keep track of losing or gaining. Take care.

I don't pay close attention to followers but I appreciate the heads up! I hope you are doing well and have the support you need, and if it will help to delete your blog I think that's a good idea. I will say I don't think anyone would blame you for saying anything negative about Liam, you're certainly not the only one. In the last few weeks with whatever drama was going on and his ex-girlfriend's book coming out and all that I saw quite a few videos from commentary/drama YouTubers trash-talking him VERY publicly. I was away when the news of his passing dropped and just got back yesterday so I haven't had a check to see if any of the mare still up but I kinda imagine they aren't.

I have been more affected than I thought I would be, because any way you slice it, it's incredibly tragic. 31 is so young, and now a little boy doesn't have his dad anymore, and frankly the way it's being handled by a lot of media is really gross.

I think it's normal to be sad and even to cry when something like this happens. Even if you didn't know him, 1D had an impact on your life and that's not nothing. I've been there before. Heath Ledger remains one of my favourite actors, and has been since I first saw him in 10 Things I Hate About You, and his death hit me really hard. Then about a year and a half after that, Stephen Gately from the 90s Irish boyband Boyzone passed away suddenly at 33 years old. I was a huge fan of them as a teenager and even flew to Ireland to see them when they got back together. Stephen was always my favourite and they were such a big part of my adolescence, that one hit me REALLY hard. So I definitely get it. I think it's a mix of empathy for his friends and family, grief for the loss of what could have been in the future, MAYBE a touch of parasocial grief, but also it's very much grieving for what Liam symbolized in your life, even when you disliked him, and I think all of that is valid and normal.

[telomeke]

[ID text–

An image textpost on Twitter by Tom @‌thomasduke98, posted 5:41PM UTC 6 November 2023. The image consists of a comment left on Tom's Instagram by "silkstonevogue21" in response to a post about the movie "Call Me By Your Name":

In 2005 I was 20 and ready to burst open the closet door and saw brokeback mountain. I was so frightened sitting in the theatre and hearing people boo and walk out when they kissed. But seeing Heath Ledger holding the shirt at the end destroyed me and I wondered if I'd ever have someone, a man hold me and love me. I went to Italy in 2015 aged 29 to meet a man there who I'd talked with online for 6 months and I wrote a will in case he murdered me because that's sometimes sadly a reality of being gay. But thankfully he didn't. We met at the Vatican and he was tall and handsome and kind and I had this beautiful Italian romance at 29 for a summer which I see when I watch this movie. We ran for trains that were just starting to move off from the platform like in old movies and we made love in beautiful Italian towns. We kissed in ancient ruins running from lightning storms and summer rain. We swam in the bluest waters and ate so much pasta. It was perfect. And when we said goodbye at the airport sobbing and kissing in public not caring who saw us still both a little scared of getting hurt we promised to find a way to be together again. I'm 38 now and am wearing the engagement ring he gave me and I moved across the world to be with him and I so wish I could tell all the gay boys hiding in the movie theatres that the real thing is so much better and can happen and it doesn't always have a sad ending.

End ID.]

[vdlest]

What could've been?

Characters:

Bucky Barnes x ExGF!Reader

Summary:

Bucky Barnes was your high school sweetheart, you two were the best couple back then, but he left you for his future. Eight years later, your assistant knocked on your office door and tells you that there's someone who wants to talk to you, turns out it's the man who broke your heart.

Warning:

Angst

Mention of Miscarriage

Heartbreak

"Ms. Y/L/N, there's someone who keeps on insisting to see you. He said it's an important matter," your assistant, Liz, told you when she knocked on your office door.

Your brows furrowed, "Who is it?" you asked.

"He said he's Heath Ledger," Liz skeptically said, "Well, it's impossible but that's what he told me to tell you when you asked who he is."

There's only one person that came through your mind when Liz mentioned the name of the late Heath Ledger. If there's only one person who would use that as his nickname, that would be your ex-flame from high school, the person behind your greatest heartbreak.

"Should I send him in or--"

"Yeah, send him in," you said without letting Liz finish her sentence.

Bucky Barnes may be your greatest heartbreak but he was your great love, he taught you a lot of things in life, love, and being responsible. And you don't hold any grudges against him anymore since you know he left you because it's for his career, for his dreams. It did hurt you, it did break your heart but you loved him too much, to the extent of letting him go and find his happiness.

You have moved on and you're okay now.

Liz went outside and a few seconds after she opened the door and let your ex enter.

The moment Bucky entered your office, your eyes met his. You stood up and smiled at him.

He's still good-looking, charming, and being a lawyer suits him. Your eyes landed on his ring finger to check if there's a band that will say that he's already married, but he's not and somehow it made you sigh in relief on the inside.

"Hey," you extended your hand towards him, "It's nice to see you."

He shakes your hand and gave you a small smile, not the usual charming smile he had back in high school, "I'm happy to see you again and I'm happy that you let me see you."

"Well, I can't say no to Heath Ledger," you joked and both of you chuckled.

When he laughed, you saw the man you fell in love with years ago. That was the happiness you were hoping to see in him when he entered your office. But no, you saw sadness in his eyes.

As soon as you two stopped laughing, you asked him to sit down and asked Liz to bring coffee for both of you.

"So," you crossed your legs as you sit in comfort on your swivel chair, "What brings you here?"

Bucky took a deep breath, "I bumped into Nat last weekend in a resto and she kinda told me about some things about you," he said.

Your smile slowly faded away when you heard what Bucky said. You know something's not right when you tried to call Nat yesterday and she did not answer you. Now you know why.

"She told me that you never got mad at me for leaving you, for choosing my career over you. She told me that you always defended me against those people whose belief is that I didn't love you for real, but I want you to know that I did, I loved you," he said.

Loved? It somehow made your heart flinch after hearing that word in the past tense.

But you managed to nod at him, "I know, Buck. I know you really loved me, that's the reason why I defended you," you gave him a small smile.

"Natasha told me you were pregnant when I left."

You knew it.

Natasha would tell Bucky about it for sure. She was that friend of yours who was persistent about how you should go after Bucky and tell him that he's gonna have a baby with you. She was annoyed when you said you wanted to let Bucky go and follow his dreams, but she eventually understand why.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Bucky asked, clenching his jaws, fighting the urge to cry, "Y/N, we were supposed to have a baby, to have a family. You knew you were pregnant when I broke up with you, right? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I love you, Bucky," you finally break down, letting your tears run down your cheeks. You look down for a second to gather your thoughts, "Buck," you sniffled as you look at him, "I don't want to hold you back. I know that's your dream and I can't ask you to give that up. I want you to chase after it. I understand your decision of leaving, and I know our baby would too."

"But--"

You stopped him by grabbing his hand and tapping it, "I'm sorry that I hid it from you, but I know it was the best thing to do back then. I don't want to complicate things for you because back then, you would always tell me how much you wanted to become a lawyer, and I wanted you to become one as well. So I hid it," you smiled at him even though tears are forming in your eyes already.

Just when you're about to retrieve your hands from him, he suddenly grabbed it and squeezed it, no sign of letting go of it anytime soon.

"But I could've been there for you, I could've been with you in that journey," he used his other hand to held your hand even more, "Maybe you won't lose our baby if I was there."

The night you came home from your afternoon shift in the library near your apartment, you experienced heavy bleeding. You drove yourself over to the hospital, you were so strong and so you thought you could save your baby, but the baby didn't. You lost the baby and you almost died that night for all the blood loss, it's good thing Nat and Wanda were there for you.

When you lost your baby, you got depressed, knowing that you already lost Bucky and now you lost the only precious thing that could remind you of him and your love for him.

"I'm sorry for leaving you, y/n," his voice is breaking when he apologized and when you met his eyes, you saw tears running down his cheeks, "I became selfish. I could have chosen you instead of my fucking dream."

"Then I won't be able to forgive myself if you chose to do that," you retorted, giving him a small smile, "If there's anything good that came out of everything that has happened, it is that we both were able to achieve our dreams. You know why? I have always believe that it's because we have our guardian angel up there in heaven, guiding us and answering all our prayers and wishes. Maybe that angel of ours wanted us to be happy in our ways. So Bucky," you sighed and nodded, "There's no need for you to apologize because I loved you unconditionally, and unconditionally means letting you go as well, letting you choose the happiness that you deserve."

Bucky did not answer you, he gently let go of your hand and put both of his hands against his face. All you could hear was his sob.

Seeing him breakdown in front of you makes you realize that you hasn't stopped loving him. He was and will always be the love of your life.

You stood up and walked over him, "It's okay, Bucky. I already forgave you and it's time for you to forgive yourself," you slowly hugged him.

You know exactly what it feels like to be in Bucky's place – you used to be so guilty for losing your baby. But your parents and your friends reminded you that everything happens for a reason, and even though that baby did not go through, it is not yet the end of the world, you still have a reason to fight and move forward.

And so you did.

"I just...I don't know...I don't know if I could forgive myself for being so fucking asshole and selfish," Bucky uttered while his head is against your shoulder, "I could have been a good partner to you and a good father to our baby."

You pull yourself away from him by cupping his face, your eyes met, and saw so much guilt in it, "Buck, it is not your fault. Maybe you did not become a good partner, a good father just yet, but you were a good man. But if it will make you feel better to be able to apologize to our baby, you can, and even if our baby won't answer, you would feel in your heart that you're forgiven a long time ago," you let go of his left cheek and squeezed his hand, "You want me to bring you to her?"

"Her?" he chuckled, "We were supposed to have a princess?"

You shrugged your shoulders, "I don't know, I just felt like we were supposed to have a girl," you sighed, "So do you want to go and visit her?"

Bucky nodded.

"Then let's go."

Before you could turn your back on him, he did not let go of your hand, instead, he pulled you back to him, and the next thing you know, his lips were pressed against yours.

It has been a long time since you felt his kiss, his warmth, but still, it feels like it was only yesterday when you last kissed him when you last gave and surrender yourself to him.

When you pulled away, you smiled at him, "Our princess is waiting for you."

•••

Bucky did not let go of your hand the moment you two stopped in a garden-themed cemetery. It was a cemetery for all the unborn children, the place was filled with flowers, there's also a lake, almost like heaven.

"This is a cemetery?" Bucky tilt his head right and left to make sure you two were in the right place.

You chuckled as you gave him a nod, "Nat discovered this place, she said this place was the heaven of all the unborn babies, like our princess. It's like heaven, that's why I wanted her to be buried here," you explained.

You and Bucky walked hand in hand and you two stopped in front of a grave that you would always visit.

"Here she is," you said as you show Bucky the resting place of your princess.

Bucky slowly walked towards the grave and saw what was engraved on top of it — Eternal Heaven of Bucky and Y/N's Angel.

After reading the engraved words, Bucky's tears automatically run down his cheeks. He was having a breakdown again and even if wanted to stop himself from crying, he can't. Seeing the baby he could have if only he chose not to leave Y/N for his career. He kept on telling himself that he could have listened to his heart.

It was his dream to become a lawyer, and it broke his heart when he found out he had to go to Berkeley to fulfill that dream of his. He knew a long-distance relationship won't work for both of you, knowing that he won't be able to stand not seeing you in so long and knowing that there were so many guys after you. So he had to make a choice. He had to let go of you and have your freedom than being stuck in a long-distance relationship that will only break your heart every single day.

But after finding out a few days ago from Natasha the consequences of his idiot decision, he felt like he wanted to rewind everything and choose to be with you instead, choose to fight for your relationship instead.

But even if he wanted to do that, he can't anymore. He can't change anything anymore.

"I'm sorry," Bucky brushed his fingers through his hair before he knelt in front of the grave, "I know I could have been there with you and your mom, I know I could have been a good dad to you, but I was so stupid. I'm sorry," he lamented.

Tears began to fall from your eyes when you heard him apologize and talk to your unborn child. You see his guilt, his regret, and you know it will take some time before he could finally forgive himself, but you realized he will be only able to do that if you two will work it out together.

So you knelt beside him and pulled him towards you to comfort him, "It's gonna be okay, Bucky. I know you will find your way to forgive yourself, but we want you to know that we were able to forgive you a long time ago now, it's because," you cupped his face and made you face him, "It's because we love you."

He shook his head, "I'm not deserving of this lo--"

Before he could finish his sentence, you pulled his face towards you and kiss him, made him feel that no other man is deserving of your love but him.

All these years you never dated anyone, you did not let any man enter your life because you knew it would all be just a lie, knowing that your heart will always belong to James Barnes.

Some people may call you a fool for all the things you endured for Bucky, but that's love, that's what love is for you. When you love a person, you love them completely, no questions asked, whether they caused you so much pain or not. Love is love.

When you pull away from him, you sniffled and smiled at him, "I know it will take a lot of time before you could finally forgive yourself, but take all the time you need for grieving, for regretting, but don't blame yourself because none of these is your fault," you told him.

"How can you still see me as a good man after everything I have done? How can you still love me after all the pain and misery I've put you in?" he curiously asked, still tears are in his eyes. "I left you, and here you are, still believing that I'm deserving of you and your love," he added.

You smiled at him and cupped his cheeks again, "It's because that what love is for me, Buck," you wiped his tears away, "No matter how much pain I've been through because of what happened to us, I would never blame it all to you because I chose this, I chose to be so damn in love with you. I know what I went through is a lot, but if I would be given a chance to do it all over again, I definitely would because this is the best life experience. It also took me so long before I could finally accept what happened and forgive myself for losing our child, but time healed all my wounds and I know it will heal yours too," you promised him.

"When I first found out everything from Natasha, all I wanted was to run away again, to run as far as I could because I can't believe that I have hurt badly the only woman I love so damn true, but then I talked to my best friend, Steve," he grabbed both of your hands from his cheeks and held it, "He told me that I should face what I did and deal with my guilt and regrets. I thought seeing you would make me feel nothing, but when I saw your photos on Facebook, seeing you so successful and happy without me, I wished I never left, I wished that I was still with you, I wished that I am still your partner. I realized that I never stopped loving you."

Those were the words you have been wanting to hear from him since he entered your office earlier. You wanted him to tell you that he still loves you, that he never stopped wanting to be with you.

"Then maybe that's another reason why you fate made you see me today, maybe it wanted me to be with you as you take your time to heal yourself," you pondered.

"You'd still choose to be with me?"

"Always."

-v.dl

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

Ok, where do I start with the series? The Dark Knight comes on the TV at least once a year where I live and without a doubt I watch it every time just to watch Heath Ledger's amazing acting. Despite my dislike for The Joker in other adaptations (for lots and lots of reasons) his Joker is a lot less sucky if that makes sense (also there's no Harley so we never see him be a woman-hating monster).

As much as I love the movie, I'm always left with this sadness knowing that the end of TDK was it, so this time I turned to Tumblr and I went into this series the way I go into all reader x character in that I read them as an OC and off the bat (lol) the first chapter grabbed me because we don't meet this woman.

Let's talk about the way you set the scene, we know what went down the last time Joker was in that room and yet the difference here is stark and there's this alarming feeling of dread because we already know how it's going to end. There is no happy ending here, and yet there's an urge to keep going, a need to know who this woman is and what she did to him to change him so much, there's also this feeling that maybe something has changed him so fundamental that no matter what happens after this, he won't go back to her because he knows that he doesn't deserve her. Despite everything, he is human and you've done an amazing at scratching away at that here, we can only see a tiny bit right now but it's there and it feels tragic.

The series is still going and we don't know how we'll end up here but I'm excited for the ride.

His Lighthouse: Craving the Light (LedgerJoker x f!reader)

Craving the Light

series summary: 

Y/n is an aspiring writer living in Gotham City and struggling to find her next muse. Her recent novel is getting all the buzz, earning her far more attention than she signed up for. But when a chance encounter results in her nursing The Joker back to health, will she find the time to write another best seller or will her own story become front page of the Gotham Gazette?

chapter summary:

It’s been six months since Gotham has been plagued by Joker until today. A distressed 911 call alerts all available police officers to Gotham Regional Bank for an active hostage situation. No one expected the arrest to expose a secret well over a half a year old.

Without further ado I hope you enjoy the story! 

Next Chapter

Keep reading

[robynlilyblack]

I don’t mind - Free pass to ask me anything, from writing, to my life to something completly random 

Fav singers/bands?

Songs/Artists you listen to when you're sad? When you're happy? When you're excited?

Under rated singers/bands?

Have you ever been to a concert if so for who?

What concert/tour would you most like to go to right now?

If you could go back in time to see artists/singers who would be the top five you'd go see? (I'm assuming queen will be on the list who in thier right mind with access to time travel wouldn't go see queen)

Also kind of off theme here but fav authors?

Fav singers/bands -

Have to say growing up in i was a huge arctic monkeys, foo fighters and taylor swift fan, now i still love them but i also really like 80s stuff, i honestly am so bad with peoples names i go off of that sounds good 😅 like i’m that person that has one random ass song from every album/artist

Songs when i'm sad -

Heather by conan grey, Smother by daughter, bit of Taylor in there too

Songs that make me happy -

Can't take my eyes off you by Frankie Valli just reminds me of ten things i hate about you has major sirius/freddie vibes (heath ledger in that movie is how i see sirius)

Juice by lizzo (but also harrys cover makes me smile every damn time at the dms bit)

Scotty doesn't know by lustra makes me laugh

Girl in red also makes me happy they're music is just so easy to listen to

Numb little bug by em Beihold again smile on my face because i can relate

Songs that make me excited/dance -

Da ya think i'm sexy by rod stewart, even before tiktok made it popular that song is a jam

Everybody talks by neon trees

Out of my leaugue by Fits and the tantrums (also handclap)

ABBA, i mean how can't you?

Mr blue sky by electric light orchestra

Underrated, i terible at known who is underrated but heres one i think are great -

neon trees

Ruelle

There this guy called Joel Sunny that does violin covers of songs

Day wave (heard these guys in a video game and i liked the vibe)

Marina and the diamonds (their songs are just catchy)

Concerts

I have never actually been to concert! But i would like to maybe see girls in red or even harry styles (just cause his concerts just look cute and fun, don’t they?)

Travel back in time -

Yes queen 100%, imagine actually seeing them live it would complete me

Blondie

The cranberries just to see and hear her sing zombie live

The beatles

Prince

Fav Authors -

I don't really have favs authors but i have books i like, I don't think i've bought a book in years which is something i defo want to change and is rather bad for a writer isn’t it? I've read alot of Jane Austen and writers similar to her, I liked hitchhitchers guide to the galxy because it was so ridiculously funny, i've read Narnia, Oz i, I'd love to read LOTR, i only read the hobbit. As a writer i feel a lil disapointed with the list maybe in the future i'll have a better one 😅 feel free to give me suggests because the above is dire

[honeycombstrawberry]

When I was younger, heath ledger definetly stole the show, and he was my batman movie crush. Still is. Sorry to Christian but, not sorry. But ledgers joker was the best

you have awakened some secret lore about me which is that i was obsessed with heath ledger and when he died i lost my mind a little. he's still one of my favorite actors and i try to be normal but there's something about him that makes me a maniac and i feel so sad and also so loving. idk i'm so tired my descriptions are a hot mess but thanks for talking with me anyways

anyways YES i'm all in on you with this. we are the heath ledger support squad we know where our loyalties lie

[bigfan-fanfic]

So, I'm interested in what you think of the Joker. Like, how do you see his character? Do you like the variations where he could be redeemed or no? How do you feel about his relationship with Bruce and how they sort of depend on each other? Which one is your favourite, dark funny murdery Joker or lighter cartoonier murdery joker? -<3

The Joker is an interesting villain because he’s so completely dissonant to everything that the Gotham setting is. In a place where the villains are damaged people who often have sympathetic or even good-intentioned reasons for turning to villainy and then just go too far, the Joker stands out for having no discernable motivation or grievance. He just shows up one day doing absolutely vile things because he thinks they’re funny. I love that, because there’s nothing scarier than someone who’s evil just for the fun of it - they’re irrational. They can’t be reasoned with, they can’t be understood, they can’t be stopped. The Joker is so terrifying because you can’t understand him.

A “redeemable” Joker goes against all of that and makes me sad. The thing about Batman is that he’s logical and rational at all times. He’s a detective, he believes in cause and effect, and even his backstory is perfectly reasonable. He can’t let go of his grief so he adopts the black-and-white worldview that defines his moral code - his bat motif comes from his childhood fear of bats, thinking they’re the scariest thing ever - and so forth. The Joker is the antithesis of that, defying reason, convention, logic, and sanity. 

The Joker is also not meant to be morally grey. The Joker is evil, full stop. Stories with him in it are not meant to make the Joker sympathetic or deal with any development, but to explore how the Joker affects those around him, whether it’s corrupting Dr. Harleen Quinzel or attempting to drive Batman insane. The Joker is not really a person, he’s a force. A static character in a world of rounded characters, and it works. The Joker is perversion and corruption of the highest degree - he takes humor and color and fun and makes it evil and dangerous, and nobody comes into contact with him without being tested by his madness. There’s no redeeming the Joker because the Joker doesn’t operate under the rules of humanity - he’s inhuman in his cruelty; that’s the whole point.

His relationship with Bruce is incredibly interesting. Basically, the Joker’s worldview comes down to this - All it takes is one bad day to make everyone just as crazy and warped as him. The world is just a thread from snapping, and it’s his job not to just tip the scales, but blow them up as colorfully and crazily as possible. He depends on Bruce because chaos cannot exist without there being order to oppose it. If everything was chaotic, the Joker would oppose it simply because it’d be different. It’s interesting that the Joker is so interested in Batman, sometimes in a psuedo-sexual manner. The Joker is obsessed with corrupting Batman’s purity, just in the same way that Bruce is obsessed with trying to contain the Joker’s chaos while adhering to his moral code. The way Bruce deals with the Joker really does, for me, bring home that Bruce is not okay. The reason he can withstand the Joker as well as he does is because he himself is not mentally healthy. Bruce can stand up to the Joker’s chaos because of the denial and grief preventing him from processing the world in its nuanced detail. 

They’re the unstoppable force and the immovable object. And unless one of them changes, they’re forever locked in a battle, unable to accept that neither of them can win. If Batman dies or is corrupted, the Joker would quickly lose interest and vanish - nobody else matters to him as much as Batsy.

Honestly, I love the campy funny lighthearted Joker because he’s so much more terrifying. Heath Ledger as the Joker was dark and yet still kept up that cartoonish craziness well, but my heart always belongs to the Mark Hamill version of the Joker - the one who blends the realism and camp. That Joker makes puns and jokes and is always so excitable and can at times be genuinely funny - which stands in opposition to his horrible deeds, and that dissonance makes him even more terrifying.

I think the Joker that is less understandable, like a cartoony Joker, is better because while being impossible to figure out, he also has a strange magnetism and charisma Batman lacks. Humor is disarming - the fact that the Joker blends fun and fear is so intriguing. It also very well symbolizes Batman and the Joker themselves - Batman is fear and reason, and we often have good reasons for what we fear. The Joker is humor and illogic, and scientists still have no idea what purpose our bodies have in laughing...

[migleefulmoments]

The drama and the bullcrap that Abby and her coven are spewing today is just crazy. Just spending a few minutes on her blog gave me a headache. Worst part is I don't understand half of what they're trying to say. (I am very tired and my brain is only functioning at about 75% but still) Can you figure out what they're trying to say about Elsie Fest and Chris and Darren's 'struggles' and all that shit? Because I'm just not able to figure it out. Seriously, it's like a foreign language. Thanks! :)

Abby and her posse of mean girls have spent the last month raging about the Elsie Fest lineup-or the lack there of. They have a weird way of claiming Elsie is Darren’s baby but all the problems they find with the show are Ricky’s fault- even though Ricky is a "loser" who “can’t do anything right”. Abby fully believes that Elsie is a mess- she finds fault every single year- this year just happened to be the lineup she found great fault with- but Darren can do nothing wrong so “it’s Ricky’s fault”. Even harder to believe, she thinks everyone else is as in love with Darren as she is and has her blinders on. But she does. Today a tinhatter saw through their nonsense and called them out. But first justcantgetenoughcc wrote an open letter to Darren where they first went on about how Darren is no longer the “vibrant, bouncy, full of life and overflowing with love for life” cough*Blaine*cough that he once was. Justcant said 

It started with the announcement of ACS. He was nervous. All his facial tics were back (anyone doubting this, should go back and watch his Mario Lopez interview) and he didn’t even speak of ACS or show any happiness or appreciation at getting that role… or even promote it for a while there. It was downhill from there. A couple of us feared for his mental breakdown as the violence and the mental space he would’ve to get to.. to prepare for the role each day… [Again, anyone doubting this should take a look at Heath Ledger’s final role]. For the simple reason, Darren wasn’t in a good place even before the ACS announcement… having suffered abuse in various ways and relentlessly for a longtime. It was clear he suffered from depression.

Fast forward to the present… Darren looked consistently sad and depressed in 99% of the pictures and clips that came our way. He looked like death warmed over. It was easy to see that he felt his situation in life was hopeless. His career wasn’t going anywhere. His personal life was a mess. He had officially become a walking talking billboard or a clotheshorse… or the Pianoman at a sleazy strip joint. It was all the wrong people in his life that got the focus… that were being given the attention… while the man who won awards after awards was slowly fading away.

Justcantgetenoughcc concluded by claiming that poor, depressed Darren is too sad to produce Elsie and the ccers shouldn’t have been pressuring him for the last several months to put it on. Justcant suggestes that he is only putting it on because the cc fandom has pressured him or worse, his team is forcing him to do it 

What IF Elsie was announced BY HIS TEAM only because of the pressure from the fandom? And NOT because Darren wanted it or was ready to do it? He had personal issues to deal with… that he had to get to… before… he could take on Elsie?

Abby read justcantgetenoughcc’s comment and spent the next 24 hours reflecting on what her actions potentially did to Darren....oh come on, you know she didn’t. She immediately fired off an “Abby’s greatest hits” post that included the one honest comment she’s made in the last 8 months (she tends to be unintentionally honest when she’s upset)

@justcantgetenoughcc I know I will regret this, but you are virtually accusing the person who is the MOST compassionate to D of being inconsiderate. I am the one everyday explaining everything that happens and trying to keep this fandom together with a handful of others.  I am the one who constantly tries to explain his actions and constantly tries to assert my opinion, that i am harassed and bullied for daily (you all truly have no idea), to try to make people understand he is a caught in a horrific nightmare and he is doing the best to fight his way out of it.  That is me, and about 5 others that i won’t name as invariably i will forget someone.   I would think again before you tell at me for being as supportive as I can be considering I hate watching what is happening.

With respect to EF, I did not really say a word before tickets went onsale, but they did and people planned travel based on the announcement.  They have a right to know who will be performing.  I also went on record stating that if it was canceled for reasons to do with D, that is ok because nothing is more important that freeing himself from this utter horror story he is living. But again, people, based on the announcement, booked hotels and flights and if it was going to be canceled, which it is not, a line up has been announced, they have right to know with sufficient time to cancel plans.

Did you catch that? She admitted “I am the one who constantly tries to explain his actions and constantly tries to assert my opinion, that i am harassed and bullied for daily (you all truly have no idea), to try to make people understand he is a caught in a horrific nightmare and he is doing the best to fight his way out of it”. I mean that entire post is a complete narcissists wet dream. 

The other comments that came after about Chris and. Darren struggling was in response to justcantgetenoughcc’s comment and in defending Abby.  They tried to outdo one another with they drama.

[managedmischiefs]

told you so//tom holland

warnings: fainting, hospitals, IV, malnourishment, talk of Heath Ledger and his death, sad boi Tom

///

inspired by tom's insta story where he thanked fans for his teen choice award win

///

Tom is always dedicated to his work and will do whatever he can to make the audience believe his character. He works endless hours on his lines, on understanding his character, and getting into the mindset of his role. But something he always dedicated a large amount of time to is his weight.

Spider-Man is an incredibly physical role. Tom was on set and doing stunts every day. He needed the muscle to support that, and he had to keep his weight constant so that his suit fit him and he didn't cause a giant problem for the wardrobe department.

But for Cherry, he's playing a veteran that is riddled with PTSD. He studied up on the disorder and discovered the effect it has on the human body, and decided that he needed to lose some of his muscle and drop some weight.

He didn't tell me this flat out though. I noticed him eating less and less over a week, after a particularly long and in depth production meeting. He decreased breakfast from a full meal to just a protein shake, and refused dinner on most days and replaced it with a workout at the gym. To say this new diet scares me is an understatement.

I'm not an actor. I don't completely understand his world. But I've been dating Tom for a few years, and I know enough to recognize that weight changing is a common practice in Hollywood. But just because it's common doesn't mean that it's right. I've heard horror stories in the media of certain roles burning out actors and ruining their lives, and that is the last thing I want to happen to Tom.

I watch as Tom comes sauntering into the kitchen, passing me with nothing but a kiss to my cheek and a whispered good morning, his voice gravely with sleep. I'm up early to study for an upcoming exam, papers already sprawled out on the island.

I sneakily watch as Tom pulls out ingredients such as protein powder, bananas, and peanut butter, then the blender. "Are you, uh-" I huff out a breath, looking down at my textbook, trying to make the conversation more nonchalant, "gonna have more than just a shake?"

"Don't think so," Tom murmurs as he starts slicing the banana. "I'm on this diet still, you know that." I open my mouth to respond but chose not to say anything, just shaking my head and deciding to drop the subject again. "What?" Tom quips after a moment of silence. "You have something else to say. I know you. Don't lie, you've got something to say."

I drop my highlighter and swing around on my barstool to face him. "Tommy, I'm just nervous about this diet, okay? I know that it's working and you're losing weight and muscle like you want to, but I'm just nervous how this is gonna affect your body and your health in the future. The last thing I want to happen is for this to ruin you."

Tom drops the banana in his hand and rushes over, placing his hands on my cheeks. "This isn't gonna ruin me. I'm okay, yeah? I'm completely fine. I'm just twenty pounds lighter. That's all."

My eyes widen and I grab onto his thinning wrists. "You've lost twenty pounds? Baby, that's too much. That's way too much! You told me ten pounds at first and I said that was too much, but twenty? That's too much!"

"It's not too much. I'm healthy, I promise." Tom swears, leaning his head forward and kissing my forehead. "We're only a week into shooting and the Russo's said everything looks great."

"I don't give a shit what the Russo's think. I care about you and your health-"

Tom huffs out a breath and drops his hands. "I am fine. You don't need to worry about me. My trainer says I'm fine, the medic on set says I'm fine, everyone agrees that I'm fine. I've only got another two months of this diet and then I'll have to bulk up for the next Avengers movie and I'll be back to the way I was before." He turns around and quickly finishes off his protein shake, putting it in a cup and closing the lid. "I'll see you tonight, okay? Good luck on your exam, I know you'll crush it."

He's kissing me and he's out the door before I can say anything else. Okay, so, that conversation didn't go anywhere close to what I had planned.

I pack up my books and head off to class for my exam, which is actually quite difficult. Or maybe I was just too busy thinking (worrying) about Tom to focus on a test. I guess I'll never know.

After my exam, I hurry off to my study of human behaviors class, hoping that today's topic will distract me from worrying about how my boyfriend is doing on set. But, of course, that hope is crushed when my professor pulls up a picture of Heath Ledger.

"Today we're going to be talking about Heath Ledger, and how his preparation for the role of the Joker effected him. Some believe the intense preparation even added to his death." She saunters around the front of the room without a care in the world, babbling on and on about how Ledger got into his character by locking himself in a hotel room and keeping a dark diary, filled with quotes, pictures, and his lines.

"Ledger was so deep into his character that he turned to medication to help him do things as simple as sleeping. Maggie Gyllenhaal even said that she could barely look at him while filming, and the crew was too nervous to be around him between takes because he would still be in character. So I pose this question to you all, did his dedication to his role and the extreme preparation for this role lead to his death?"

Oh god. Please no. This is exactly what I don't need to hear right now. Not today. Not while Tom is filming Cherry and I can't be with him at all times. Not when I get one text a day from him since he's so busy shooting scenes. Not ever.

Multiple hands shoot up to respond to the professors question. She picks a bubbly blonde in the front row. "His preparation definitely led to his death. He pushed himself too far and he couldn't handle the pressure of the movie, the pressure of stardom, the pressure of the Joker being so engrained in his mind. He couldn't shake it when filming ended, and it truly made him become some version of a psychopath."

Another student butts in. "Yeah, it's so obvious. He turned to drugs because he couldn't handle the role."

One other adds his opinion. "It's like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. She had to lose all this weight so she ate almonds and carrots for, like, months on end. And then she was in rehearsals all day and she dislocated a rib, but kept training. She said she thought she was gonna die on most days. It's very possible for actors to get so wrapped up in role that they lose a bit of reality. I totally think Heath Ledger died because of the Joker."

With that last student, I pick up my backpack and laptop and go stomping out of the lecture hall, choking back tears. I dramatically throw my belongings into my car and speed off, wiping my cheeks and trying to keep my emotions together.

I park in the first spot I see and jump out of my car, heading off to Tom's trailer, hoping that he'll be there, although the chances are slim. I've only been to Tom's trailer for Cherry once, and it was the first week of him filming. It's been lived in now, so I'm sure it looks quite different.

I hadn't expected his trailer to be a complete mess. At home, Tom is a little messy but always cleans up after himself. He clearly hasn't cleaned or let anyone clean up after him. There's clothes and shoes all over the floor and furniture, the sheets are messed up on the bed like he's been tossing and turning while sleeping, and the kitchen area is a complete wreck. There's a pile of papers and books on the coffee table that I make the terrible decision to investigate.

Having PTSD just messes up your whole life. I couldn't even get the energy to clean my house, or even my room, or my kitchen, or anything. I would throw things around and I would break things and just leave them. PTSD left me completely unable to function as a human. I couldn't sleep. How would I be expected to clean up after myself when I'm falling asleep standing?

Of course, his trailer like this is to keep himself in the character. I wonder if his costars can stand to look at him between takes.

The trailer door opens a moment later and I'm wishing it's Tom, but it's Harrison coming in, nonchalantly kicking a shoe aside to get to the fridge. "Oh hey, didn't know you were coming by. Tom didn't mention it."

"Is Tom gonna die?" I blurt out, my eyes pooling up with tears. Harrison's eyes widen at the wild question. "I'm scared he's gonna die. He's so into this character and he's gonna die, isn't he?"

"Oh my gosh, breathe, love. Tom isn't gonna die. Where are you getting this from?" Harrison takes a few steps closer to me, but it doesn't comfort me in any way.

"He's not eating, Harrison. I've seen him make food but I haven't seen him actually eat anything in almost a month. He's dealing with this disgusting trailer every day. I barely ever see him because he comes home and either goes straight to sleep or he's out at the gym until I'm asleep."

"Maybe you should talk to him." Harrison suggests. "Honestly, I'm worried about him too and I think you're the only person he'll listen to. You just gotta learn to keep your cool." He places his hands on my shoulders. "Why don't you go home and get some rest? I think you're just as tired as he is because you're stressing about it. I'll make sure that Tom goes straight home instead of going out, okay?"

I throw my arms around Harrison's waist in a much needed hug. "Thank you, Haz. You're the best."

"Yeah, I know I am." Harrison jokes with a shrug, letting me go. "Go, get out."

///

Tom doesn't come home for a while, not until I'm laying in bed, eyelids fluttering, ready to sleep. But the bedroom door creaks open, letting in a little bit of light. I listen as Tom bustles around the room to pull off his clothes, leaving him in just boxers for bed. He climbs into bed beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I sigh contently, melting into his embrace.

"How was your day?" I murmur, sleep slurring my words.

"It was fine. Go to sleep, you're exhausted." Tom whispers, placing lazy kisses to the back of my neck. "I love you."

///

The next morning is normal. Tom wakes up before me and takes a shower, leaving me alone in bed. But I get up and throw on a comfy sweater, preparing for my day of classes. Tom is heading downstairs as I'm pulling on my leggings, presumably for breakfast.

But just as I'm finishing brushing out my hair, I hear a relatively loud thump from downstairs. I immediately pause, listening for a yelled sorry from Tom, just anything.

"Tom?" I shout, creeping towards the open bedroom door. When I don't hear anything in response, I panic. I run downstairs and into the kitchen, finding the worst sight I could think of.

Tom is unconscious on the floor, a spot of blood on his forehead, and a whole slew of food on the stove. I drop to my knees, pushing Tom's hair out of his forehead. I reach onto the island and grab Tom's phone, unlocking it and dialing 999. I babble off to the operator that my boyfriend fainted when I was in the other room and I don't know exactly what happened, but that he's unconscious. She promises that an ambulance is two minutes away, that I should keep calm, and not move him.

I put the phone on speaker as I wait, setting it on the floor. And just as I do, Tom starts to stir, his eyebrows scrunching up and his head starting to swivel. I lean over him and place a hand on his cheek, forcing a smile, despite his closed eyes. "Hi, sweetheart. Hi, baby." I coo softly, my thumb rubbing across the skin. "Stay right where you are, okay?"

"What happened?" He murmurs, words slurred.

"I think you fainted. There's an ambulance coming, just don't move, baby boy, you'll be okay." I instruct him.

"Work." He whispers, head falling to the side.

"Don't worry about work. I'll call someone later on and tell them. You don't worry about that right now, okay? Just relax, I've got you."

The paramedics come knocking at the front door a moment later, sending me running over to answer it. I lead the paramedics over to where Tom is still laying in the kitchen, watching the paramedics lift him onto the stretcher and strap him in.

Tom reaches for me, making me rush over to his side. I place a hand on his cheek, moving my thumb against his soft skin, giving him a smile. "I'm right here, Tommy. Do you want me to call Harrison, or your mum or dad? Anyone?" Tom just nods, so I assume he wants someone. "Do you want me to come in the ambulance with you?" He nods again. "Okay, then I'm gonna go get some stuff and get right in there with you." He nods a third time, eyes closing all the way now.

I rush around the house in just a few seconds, pulling on a sweatshirt. I collect a backpack with a sweats for Tom, our wallets, our phones, chargers, money, and whatever I can find that we could need.

Tom is just being loaded into the ambulance when I go to lock the door and jump inside. I'm exiled to the corner while the paramedics start working on Tom, leaving me to send out texts to his family to tell them what's going on.

I'm with him every step of the way. I'm there as he rides to the hospital, I'm there as he gets brought right into a room, and I'm there as a doctor comes in to see him. But I'm pushed out a moment later to fill out paperwork, and I have to be separated from Tom.

I rush my way through the paperwork so I can get back to Tom. He would never leave me alone if I was in this situation, and I don't plan to do that to him. So I return the clipboard to a nurse and she leads me back to a different waiting room.

"You can just stay here until the doctor comes around to get you." I nod but have to hold in my groan. I just want to be with Tom.

I sit down and decide to check my phone, finding a few texts. Nikki and Dom says that the whole family is on their way, and Harrison says him and Tuwaine are leaving their golf outing to get here, but it's going to take a while.

I'm not sure how much time passes from when I get to the waiting room and when a doctor comes. Maybe it was ten minutes, maybe it was an hour. I wouldn't know. But a doctor comes around to get me, thankfully refraining from calling out Tom's name and avoiding any possible fan run-ins.

I jump up and rush toward him, smiling nervously. The doctor asks again if I'm here for Tom, to which I nod, and he leads me away from the waiting room.

"So, it seems that he's very malnourished." The doctor tells me, which is no surprise at all. "He is severely underweight and is also very dehydrated. Do you know why this is happening?"

We stop outside of his room and continue talking. "He's preparing for a movie role. His character has PTSD so he decided to lose a bit of weight. I told him it was too much but he swore he was fine."

"Do you know how much he lost?" I tell him twenty pounds and then a little about Tom's diet, and I can tell but his surprised face that Tom is in for some deep shit. "Wow, that's a lot for someone his age and weight. Basically, his body can't handle the work that he's making it do. If he's working on a film set and he's not eating properly, or at all, his body is going to give out because it can't support him. For now, I've got him on an IV drip to hydrate him and I'll come back in a little while to talk to you two about what to do from here."

"Okay, thank you so much. I can go in now?" The doctor nods and then heads off.

Tom's eyes are closed when I enter the room, but I can't quite tell if he's sleeping. Even still, there's a nurse taking his vitals who smiles at me, quickly finishing up and leaving the room.

Tom stirs when I sit in the chair beside his bed, scrunching up his crooked nose. I grab onto his free hand and move my thumb against his knuckles, taking a deep breath. "I can tell you're awake." I murmur, the tiniest smile on my face. "I know you too well."

The corners of Tom's mouth lift up in the tiniest, his eyes fluttering open slowly. "Hi." He mumbles, the word slurred.

"Hi, sweet boy." I keep my voice sweet and smooth. "How are you feeling?"

"Bad." Tom spits out, sighing. His eyes are squinting and he looks like he's in pain.

"Does your head hurt? The lights hurt?" He nods, so I stand and turn off the light, watching the wrinkles in his forehead smoothen out. "Did the doctor check you for a concussion?"

"I-I don't know."

I let go of Tom's hand again and poke my head out of the hospital room, flagging down a nurse. I tell her my concern and she promises to get a doctor in soon, then goes on her way.

"A doctor is coming, Tom." I take my seat again and lace our fingers.

A silence falls over us for a moment, but the quiet makes me more aware of the way Tom's hands are shaking.

"Are you feeling okay?" I whisper. "You're shaking. I just wanna make sure you're-"

"I'm sorry." And suddenly he's breaking down in tears, sobbing loudly. "You were right, I was wrong."

"Shh, sweetheart." I coo, moving to sit on the side of his bed. "Let's not talk about that right now. Right now, just relax and-"

"I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home." He whines, hand squeezing mine as tight as he can, which isn't much at all. He's far too weak.

"I know you do. But you've gotta be here so the doctors can help you get better so you can get home and get back to work. So let's not cry," I wipe my thumbs over his cheeks, "and just relax as much as you can. You can watch tv, close your eyes, so whatever. A doctor is hopefully coming soon to help you."

Tom looks at me with huge puppy eyes, rimmed red from tears. "You're not gonna leave me, right?"

A smile appears on my cheeks, but it feels forced. "Of course I'm not gonna leave you, pretty boy. I'll be right by your side this whole time and for the rest of your life, you know that."

His lips push out in a pout. "You can still call me pretty boy when I'm like this?"

"You'll always be my pretty boy." I leave forward and press a few kisses to his cheek, hopefully calming him down a bit.

The doctor comes back into the room a few moments later, and Tom forces me to hold his hand while the doctor inspects him again, this time for a concussion.

"Yep, your girlfriend is right, you've got a mild concussion. I'd assume you hit your head on something when you fainted, whether it was a cabinet or the floor. It's not too bad though, you should be fine in two or three weeks. But even still, I wanna keep you for the rest of the day. I know it's early, so we'll see how you're feeling later and see if you need to stay the night or you can go. We've got you on an IV to give you some vitamins and some essential things you've been missing out on over the past few weeks. You know where the nurses button is, if you need anything. I'll see you two later."

///

The rest of the day passes incredibly slowly. Tom's family shows up just a little bit after the doctor leaves. They stay for an hour or two, just to keep Tom entertained, but he's being very quiet and really only wants to talk to me. But his family is babying him and talking to him like a child. And as much as I do that to him when I'm consoling him, he absolutely hates when his family does it.

And then Harrison and Tuwaine show up and wreak havoc. I know it's for entertainment purposes and to make Tom laugh. They show up and throw a backpack onto Tom's bed, what's filled with my laptop, smuggled in fast food, some extra clothes for Tom, and a handful of dvd's. Then they loudly make their way around Tom's room, inspecting every single thing that is on the walls or in the relatively empty cabinets. I'm tempted to kick them out so they don't get in trouble, but Tom is laughing and his spirits are lifted, so I don't bother.

By the time a nurse is coming around with lunch for Tom, he's starving. I can hear his stomach rumbling, but that's a sound I've grown accustomed to.

Tom pushes around his food, not interested in the bland hospital food. "I really want what Haz and Tuwaine brought." He eyes the McDonald's bag on the other side of the room. "I don't want this shit."

"I don't know if your stomach can handle that. You haven't had fast food in months and I don't know if that's good for you-"

"Please, baby, I'm so hungry and this looks terrible." Tom begs, pushing the tray of food away from him.

I easily comply, not wanting to put up a fight with him when he's feeling so tortured at the moment. I open the bag and find a ridiculous amount of food, more than me and Tom could ever eat.

"God, these idiots must have bought the whole store out. What do you want-burger, fries, nuggets?"

"Yes." He responds, making me roll my eyes.

"You're impossible." I pull out a small fry, a cheeseburger, and six piece nugget and hand it over to him, watching him smile happily. "You're nuts. Please eat slowly and drink a lot of water. I don't want you getting sick and throwing up."

"Can we watch a movie too?" He shoves a nugget in his mouth and gestures to my laptop. I agree, pulling up Netflix and starting a random movie, setting my computer on the bed.

Thankfully, Tom doesn't have to stay the night. He's built up enough strength through the IV, food, and relaxation for the doctor to feel good about him going home. So he gets out of his hospital gown and into some sweats, signing discharge papers and wobbling out of the hospital room. And since I rode in the ambulance with Tom, Harrison comes to pick us up and drive us home.

"Looking a bit better, mate." Harrison says, giving Tom a bro hug when we get to the car.

"Thanks for picking us up." Tom mumbles before jumping into the backseat.

"Thank you so much, Haz. You're the best." I give him a tight hug before sitting beside Tom in the backseat and heading home.

///

"Do you wanna go up to bed or stay on the couch?" I ask once we step inside, dropping our bags beside the door. Tessa is off at his parents house, so our house is silent.

"I wanna go shower, and then go to bed." He mumbles, taking the lead upstairs and hobbling into the connected bathroom. I collect him some fresh boxers and a tee shirt, putting them on the counter for him when he's done. I busy myself by changing the sheets and fixing up the bed, distracting myself from the craziness of the day.

"Babe!" Tom starts calling. "Baby!"

I panic, fearing the worst, rushing into the bathroom. "What? What's wrong?"

"Will you come in with me?" He asks like a child, pouting, his curls dripping over his forehead.

"I thought something was wrong." I groan, but begin stripping off my clothes anyways. I step into the warm water and sigh of relief, happy to wash away the stress of the day. I immediately wrap my arms around Tom's skinny waist, burying my face in his neck. "I'm just glad you're okay."

"Yeah, me too." Tom sighs, hand running up and down my back gently. "Thank you for being there for me. You're the best girlfriend ever."

"Thanks." I chuckle with an eye roll. "I'm just glad you're home."

We finish up in the shower not long after, since being exposed to the warm water for too long could make Tom faint again. So we get dressed and crawl into bed, curling up under the cold duvet. I rest my head on Tom's chest and close my eyes, trying to drift off to sleep.

"You can say it now, you know?" Tom murmurs, lips ghosting over my forehead.

I smile softly, letting a beat pass. "I told you so."