#i'm still facebook friends with two of them but we haven't talked in years

[qveenpoppy]

also this got me thinking about my old group of tumblr besties who i met through our shared love of 1d & union j.... missing them lots and i hope they can feel my air hugs from far away ❤️

[eisforeidolon]

Question: I know each of you have had programs that are going now, and some that did not make it - and that is complete B.S., by the way. [Audience cheers, Jared mouths thank you] Are there any other projects that are coming up that you can discuss? 'Cause we all know we see on Facebook and things that season 16, they've agreed, they've agreed, and like, okay we all wish that was true, but what can you tell us about future projects?

Jared [pointing at Jeff]: Well, he's set to direct season 16 of Supernatural.

Jeff: [nods] In a heartbeat.

Jared: I - what do I aggressively have going? I have a few things that we're working on developing, but I think aggressively I'm leaving tomorrow for Fire Country and [audience cheers, JDM and Jensen clap] It'll be - you know, I'm just doing a couple episodes, it's not like I'm joining the cast forever, it's a couple episodes, go see our buddy Max, and see some of the friends and family from Supernatural that I haven't seen in four years? So I can't wait to go play in their sandbox. I guess, I guess - I haven't talked to Kripke in a month but he said he was writing something for me, so we'll see if I can go hang out on The Boys.

Jeff: Are you working out? Are you getting ready?

Jared: I'm not.

Jensen: Are you doin' the squats?

Jared: No, I'm not.

Jensen: Are you repping 405?

Jared: No, I'm not.

Jensen: She is [referring to a previous questioner who asked about weightlifting].

Jared: I know. [points to that fan] Body double, just borrow her fan [points to other previous fan with prop] do the leg lifts, and then you're my double. You just got hired. But yeah, aggressively I'm kinda just living it day by day.

Jensen: I don't have much to talk about.

Jared: How much time do you have?

Jensen: I'll try to drum up some work for ya. So it's - no, you know everything that's happening with me so my world is about to change here in about two weeks.

Jeff: Do you start in two weeks?

Jensen: Yeah.

Jeff: Holy smokes.

Audience member(s): Which one?

Jensen: I don't remember which one.

Jeff: The one on Amazon.

Jensen: [cracks up] Countdown starts September. And then we're off to the races, because I think there's gonna be overlapping with The Boys and then there's gonna be overlapping with Vought Rising and then there's and then it's all gonna start again. So it's gonna be pretty cyc-[draws circles in the air], it's gonna be that way for a while. I don't know what the light at the end of the tunnel is.

Jeff: It's, you'd be surprised -

Audience member: You're gonna break Amazon again, right?

Jensen: Either that or Amazon's gonna break me. I know one of the two are gonna happen.

Jeff: I've got my money on Amazon.

Jensen: You have insider information. Uh, what about you, anything [?]?

Jeff: I start something in September that I can't talk about. I don't know how it is with new projects, that we never can talk about, it's ridiculous.

Jensen: And then we do them and then we still can't talk about them.

Jeff: Yeah, yeah. So that and then - did anybody see a movie I did, it was on Netflix, and it did really well, called Postcard Killings? I'm gonna go in October and do the sequel to that, based on a James Patterson thing.

Jared: Email killings? What comes after postcard killings?

Jeff: Oh, I see what you did there. Email killings. Only I can't find the killer because I'm really technology [gestures wildly around his head] - like I can't figure it out.

Jensen: The files are in the computer!

Jeff: There's not a [?]!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for ditching a long-term friend?

I (35F) had a friend (S, 33F) for years. We bonded the first night we met. We had ups an downs, and went everywhere together. I helped her kick her bf out after he tried to hit her and helped her through two miscarriages. She helped me through a family member death and a career change. We would speak almost every day, for hours.

She was always slightly more conservative than me. When 2016 rolled around, she supported Trump. I didn't like that, but it wasn't my place to bitch about it to her, it was her decision.

By 2020, she'd changed. Idk how it happened but she went from slightly conservative Christian who loved school and being a nurse and had friends who were LGBT+ (myself included), to deadnaming trans patients, refusing to do a blood draw on a patient after she said it was a prerequisite for an abortion, forcing patients to pray with her, even when they and their families spoke out against it, and bugging her coworkers to pray with her. She got fired from the hospital and was completely unable to hold down a job after that, and went through about 6 jobs that year, getting fired from them all. She got with a guy (B, 32M) and he is a... Well, he is a damn nut. Flat earther, antivaxxer, anti- Department of Education, anti-cell phone, thought bluetooth was turning kids trans, and that covid is 100% a hoax. Absolutely bonkers. But she was smitten, so I supported her, barely.

It's important to note that I backed away from her a bit after she was fired from the hospital. We were only speaking once every few weeks at that point.

Shortly after she got with B, my nephew was born. My nephew is half Mexican, half white. She called him "cute for a half n*g" because she thought my SIL is black. This blew me away because she's half Mexican. I told her off and distanced myself even further.

In 2021, she was a huge supporter of Jan 6th. She LAUGHED when that one cop killed himself. I stopped talking to her completely after that. Deleted her contact info and forgot she existed for almost 2 years.

Cut to October of this year, and she calls me. I didn't recognize her #. She and B are getting married! And she wants me to be a bridesmaid!!! Yayy! (sarcasm). She told me a long-winded variation of "I know we haven't talked for a bit but I promise I'm not as bonkers as I was, I think I let Facebook suck me in, and I'm sorry."

So, I let her back in. Not emotionally, mind you. She's not the woman I once knew anymore. I don't tell her where our house is (my partner and I moved while S and I weren't speaking), and I didn't tell her what car I drove. I didn't tell her anything about our lives, and kept the conversation solely on her, to try and read her out a bit.

Sure enough, two conversations in she starts ranting about how black people are black because they received the mark of Cain (it's a Christian thing? I guess? Idk I'm not religious) and thus should be avoided because they are inherently "up to no good," and that systemic racism doesn't exist because the US has had a black president.

I roll my eyes, hang up the phone, block her number, and end it, permanently, right there. I received a few odd texts from a number I didn't recognize, probably B's phone, so I just blocked that number and deleted them without reading most of them.

Cue our mutual friends. 🙄

She misses you! People can have differing opinions and still be friends! Why are you being so closed minded? She told us you yelled at her! 😭😭😭

Lol. I didn't say a word, but whatever.

I'd rather adjust my life to her absence than adjust my morality to her ignorance.

My partner is on my side, they saw her change, too. But our mutual friends are still upset. I shared some the racist and sexist text convos between me and S, and it's like they hadn't even considered my side of the situation. One is on my side now, the other two are still questioning how I can throw away a 6 year friendship over "differing politics."

So, Tumblr, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[spinef0ryou]

Q and A interview with Will Ramos in Metal Hammer Magazine. Transcript under the cut.

ARE LORNA SHORE BRINGING DEATHCORE BACK?

Lorna Shore's growler-in-chief, Will Ramos, answers your questions on goblin screams, dream collabs and singing with a camera down his throat

SINCE WILL RAMOS joined Lorna Shore in 2021, the US deathcore band have been on a mission that's seen them leapfrog to the forefront of their scene. Will's mind-boggling vocal abilities have turbocharged them, and Hammer crowned last year's sprawling symphonic fourth record, Pain Remains, "the most essential deathcore album of the decade". Last summer, Will sang with a camera down his throat so we could all see what the hell was going on in there, but now, in his biggest challenge yet, he takes on your questions...

What's your favourite type of scream to do? - N4turalbornkll, Twitter

"They're called 'tunnel screams, like if you're going through a tunnel. But I like calling them 'goblin screams'. It's like two different tones going on at the same time. It sounds really cool."

What bands got you into metal? - Ben Ryan, Facebook

"Linkin Park was definitely one of them. Meteora... freaking Hybrid Theory! I listen to albums from my childhood all the time - I still love them and they still hold up; Bullet For My Valentine, Lamb Of God, AFI... I had a couple of friends that listened to metal that I used to play videogames with, and one of the bands they played me was AFI. One song, Affliction, was just straight-up screaming the entire song. I was like, This. Is. Crazy?' Then my friend said, 'Dude, here's a bunch of bands that you should check out?' It was Lamb Of God, Whitechapel, Linkin Park."

How long do you think you'll be able to maintain your iconic screaming voice? Ten years? Thirty? Forever - Nettels_, Twitter

"I haven't fallen off yet. I don't know. Hopefully forever, but every day I make a joke, I'm like, This is the one. This is going to be the last one, this is it!"

What other genres do you love? - Jordan Bonvicino, Facebook

"I don't listen to a lot of metal so much anymore. I was looking at my Spotify Wrapped from last year... It was ap, psychedelic rock, indie music, and metal was fourth. I love bands like [Japanese singer-songwriter] Joji. I love Mac Miller. I love Drake. And I love sad music, so stuff like (post-hardcore artist] Bilmuri. They're metal, but they're also very sing-y. And I like that because now that I've been doing so much screaming in my life, I want to get better at something that's not screaming - so, singing. That's the next tier for me right now."

Are Lorna Shore bringing deathcore back? - Ed Burns, email

“I don't know if we're 'bringing it back'. We're doing really good for ourselves, and I love that people are hopping onto the train. That's incredible. Ilove that it's inspiring other people to even do more metal music. I just do what I do and I can't think about what I'm doing. I still can't look at myself in the mirror and be like, 'That's one of the big guys."

Hammer: Who were 'the big guys' to you?

“The ones that inspired me were late Suicide Silence vocalist] Mitch Lucker, Phil Bozeman (Whitechapell and Trevor Strnad (late Black Dahlia Murder vocalist]."

Do you avoid certain foods before singing, and if so, which ones? - Matt Doherty, Facebook

"I'd say eat light foods - if you eat something crazy heavy, you're going to feel very tired. I have maybe a slice of pizza, but you won't see me eating five or six slices. Ilove ramen and ramen is something that I'd have all the time when I'm on tour just because it's spicy, so it clears your nasal passages and it's soup, so it's good for your stomach."

What's your favourite Lorna Shore breakdown? - Undeado8, Twitter

"I think it would be Hollow Sentence off Immortal (2020 album, featuring ex-vocalist C] McCreery]. If we're talking about the newer stuff, Sun//Eater is definitely my favourite breakdown. It's the hardest song in the set. We have a sample of a katana [samurai sword] coming out and slicing something open. This specific sound is the unsheathing of the sword. It's halfway in, where the breakdown gets even heavier, so I just imagine a moshpit of people with inflatable swords killing each other."

Would you ever re-record Immortal? - Corey Hunter, Facebook

"I have, and I'm doing it for myself. I made a Patreon, and I told myself, I'm going to start redoing all of the old Lorna Shore albums."

Hammer: Would the band ever re-release the older albums with you on vocals?

"As a band we wouldn't - we want to have forward momentum. Art is always going to get better as long as you don't go back and start fixing things. We're like, 'What's the next thing? I'll put out Immortal on my own, but that's it."

What is your favourite song on Pain Remains? - Alex Chiczewski, Facebook

"Pain Remains I: Dancing Like Flames. It's the saddest one. I told you, Ilove sad music! You get to a point where you listen to breakdowns so many times, you become a little numb to them. For me, the only thing that holds me onto music after the breakdowns, is how do I feel about it? It's not about the melody or the breakdown. It's hearing the lyrics and I feel what this person is feeling and that it feels real. That's why I love Pain Remains I - it's the most genuine."

What is your best advice for dealing with crippling depression? - Zare Ralf Karadzin, Facebook

"Distract myself. Everyone alwavs sees me as Labradoodle Will. That's great, but I'm just like everybody out there and everybody gets sad sometimes. I dealt with depression a lot when I was a little kid, and if there's anything that's helped me, it was trying to distract myself with things Ilike to do, whether it be screaming or my little RC (remote control] cars, or playing Minecraft. Take everything day by day... conquer this day. Then you know tomorrow is another day, and you beat that day. Eventually you start putting yourself in the cycle where you'll have more good days than you have bad days."

What bands would you like to collab with in the future? - Notabumbleb88, Twitter

"Id love to collaborate with Sleep Token. They're my favourite freaking band right now. They are so incredibly good; Vessel and I have very similar singing ranges, too. Also, I Declare War, because they're just so incredibly heavy... In Flames... and Ilove Oceano - their vocalist Adam Warren is so good."

Hammer: What do you think a Sleep Token/Lorna Shore collab would sound like?

"It’d be insane. I don't know if our fans would love it, but I would. Let's go!"

What does it mean to you to be the Latino/Hispanic representation of deathcore and heavy music in general? - Shaun Fontanez, Facebook

“It's incredibly stressful. I don't speak Spanish, so a lot of Hispanic people will come up to me just like, 'Yo, dude, I'm so happy that you're here; you're Hispanic, I'm Hispanic!' I'm like, 'Thanks, man, appreciate that. I'm going to tell you right now I don't speak Spanish' and see that shock on their face. I do wish to speak more Spanish. I am a bad Puerto Rican... Or maybe I am the perfect Puerto Rican, because if you know anything about Puerto Ricans, half of them also don't speak Spanish. So, shout out to Puerto Rico."

How does it feel to have such a sudden and rapid growth in notoriety? - Christopher Andrew Ryan, Facebook

"It has been very big. Honestly, it's an incredible thing to see. We're very happy that we're all able to live off the art that we're putting out, not a lot of people can sav that. We're so caught up in the race, though, we're focused on what's next so that we can stay up here. If we fall off, you can only get to this point once, and then you lose it. We're trying to ride it for as long as we can."

How difficult was it singing with a camera down your throat? - Andy Pierce, email

"I didn't think it was going to sound good at all because I was so numb and mucus-y. When you’re doing vocals, you don't want mucus because it gets in the way and you can't even feel anything down there. It's almost like if you sang out loud and you just covered your ears, and you couldn't hear what you're putting out. That's what it felt like! Hopefully it'll be better next time (now I know what to expect!)”

PAIN REMAINS IS OUT NOW VIA CENTURY MEDIA. LORNA SHORE PLAY DOWNLOAD IN JUNE

[bbygirl-aemond]

How Viserys Failed Rhaenyra

Hi everyone! A while back, I made a post here pointing out the irony of how Viserys neglected his children by Alicent when he probably would've really liked them if he'd made an effort to know them. It got reposted to Facebook and Reddit and a lot of people were disagreeing with it because they thought it was too anti-Team Black. So let me be clear that just because I say Viserys mistreated Alicent and her children doesn't mean I'm anti-Team Black, because I think he mistreated Aemma and Rhaenyra just as much. I talked about Alicent and Aemma more in a post here, but I haven't written about Rhaenyra yet. So let's get into that, because I've been wanting to for a while!

In this post, I'm going to address four ways that Viserys failed Rhaenyra: neglecting her in her childhood because she wasn't a boy; pushing her mother into the pregnancy that killed her and then leaving Rhaenyra alone in her grief; grooming and marrying her best friend; and finally refusing to support her as his heir even after naming her such.

Part One: Rhaenyra's Childhood

Now, in the books, the reason Rhaenyra was called "the Realm's Delight" was because Viserys and Aemma struggled to have any children at all and were reportedly very happy and loving when she was born. I do want to acknowledge this. But as several years passed and Aemma was unable to have any more children, Viserys became less doting and more obsessed with a male heir.

In the first episode of the series, a young Rhaenyra tells Alicent that as long as she can remember, a son is the only thing Viserys has ever wanted. This would understandably be difficult for her to reckon with: her loving father becoming more distant and more obsessed with replacing her. It would bring up feelings of abandonment and self-esteem issues, to watch her father try so desperately for another child that he neglects his relationship with her in the process. We're meant to understand in the series that though they might have been close when Rhaenyra was very young, by the time she's around 14 they've become fairly estranged.

Part Two: Aemma

Rhaenyra's estrangement with Viserys clearly doesn't translate over to Aemma. She's shown being quite considerate of her mother even when no one else is (worrying for her comfort when her maids only care about the baby's comfort). Aemma was the one source of unconditional love that Rhaenyra had.

Viserys knows just how difficult and dangerous it is for Aemma to go through pregnancy. He's seen her miscarry and come close to death many times at this point (this is canon). Aemma even admits that she's been pressured by Viserys into getting pregnant, implying she wouldn't choose this for herself. And still Viserys pushes pregnancy after pregnancy on her, hoping for a son, until it kills her. His desire for a son takes Rhaenyra's mother away from her.

And it's awful to poor Rhaenyra, because now she blames herself for her mother's death. What was so wrong with her, that Viserys had to do this? What about her wasn't enough for him? If she'd only been born a boy, then her mother would still be alive. These are all devastating thoughts for a grieving young girl to be dealing with. And it's Viserys's fault that she is.

Viserys doesn't even do Rhaenyra the honor of letting her grieve in peace. He prioritizes his own emotions over his daughter's. He's so caught up in his own grief that Rhaenyra is forced to step up and light her own mother's pyre. That was Viserys's job. As a father, it was his responsibility to do that and spare her the agony of having to give the order. And he's too weak, and too selfish, to do this one thing for her. Rhaenyra has to, at Daemon's prompting, carry out her own mother's funeral. And we see the tears in her eyes, the grief in her face, the betrayal as she looks upon her father and realizes he's forcing her to do this for him.

Part Three: Alicent

In the wake of Aemma's death, Rhaenyra was now motherless. Viserys's guilt was causing him to reach out to her, but a budding relationship cannot replace the closeness she's had with Aemma all her life. The only real other person Rhaenyra is shown to be close to at this time is Alicent. And what does Viserys do?

He marries Alicent. I've linked above why this was so evil of him, but to recap: Alicent is a minor, and a woman, the daughter of a second son with no inherent land or wealth, being manipulated by her father. Viserys marries because he's forced to, but he chooses Alicent in particular because he wants to. Because his lust for her overpowers any consideration for her youth or the fact that she's Rhaenyra's friend. He knows this is wrong, and he knows this will devastate Rhaenyra. This is why he asks Alicent to keep it a secret, knowing that she can't disobey her king. Proving he knows it's wrong and that he knows of the power difference between them.

And he does it anyways. He takes Rhaenyra's best friend, her last remaining close relationship, and he marries her. Alicent is Rhaenyra's stepmother, now; she will birth the sons that jeopardize Rhaenyra's claim. And Alicent is now forced to choose between her children's safety or her friendship with Rhaenyra. It drives an irreparable wedge between them from both ends: Alicent now fears for her children's lives, and Rhaenyra now feels betrayed by her best friend. But they've both been betrayed by Viserys.

Part Four: Rhaenyra's Adulthood

I do want to acknowledge that Viserys does defend Rhaenyra politically three times: first when he names her heir; second when he defends her children after Laena's funeral (at his other children's expense, mind you); and third when he rises from his deathbed to defend her son's claim to Driftmark. I do feel that the first and third of his efforts are commendable. But I don't think they make up for the other ways in which he doesn't help her.

Rhaenyra's upbringing is quite sheltered. She repeatedly demonstrates that she is unaware of the precarious nature of her political position; in her conversation with Daemon after seeing the smallfolk turn on her and in her conversation with Rhaenys where she lords her own exceptionalism over her. We see here that Rhaenys is wiser to the misogyny of Westeros and knows that Rhaenyra will not be an exception to the patriarchy, while Rhaenyra acknowledges that the patriarchy exists but is confident that it will never affect her. This isn't some inherent trait that Rhaenyra has; it is a direct result of how she was raised. It's clear that Viserys did not have a meaningful conversation with her, when he made her heir, about the dangerous position he was putting her in.

In the Great Council of 101 AC, the lords of Westeros all voted between Viserys (the bloodline of the King's second-eldest son) and Rhaenys (the bloodline of the King's eldest son). Law should have dictated that the title pass through the King's eldest sons's bloodline to completion, but because Rhaenys was a woman the lords voted to skip her over and proceed to Baelon's bloodline and Viserys instead. The entire reason Jaehaerys allowed the Council to be called-- allowed Rhaenys's claim to be called into question-- was because he knew it would plunge the Realm into war if she was made heir against the lords' will. Viserys became King because of this. He knows the danger presented by making Rhaenyra heir. And he does not communicate this to her, because he doesn't want to confront it.

When Rhaenyra takes initiative, she proves herself to have qualities fitting of a good leader. Her retrieval of Baelon's egg from Daemon is a perfect example of this. She's able to diffuse the situation, force Daemon to get over being removed as heir, and retrieve the egg like her father wished. I really think things would have become violent between Otto and Daemon if she hadn't intervened and it would have been disastrous.

But Viserys doesn't let Rhaenyra continue to grow into being a leader, to continue to have these experiences where she can stretch her wings. He refuses to give her any meaningful political responsibilities, and keeps her as a cup-bearer, subservient to the members of the Council. She isn't taken seriously as a cup-bearer, as mentioned by Rhaenys and demonstrated during the Daemon incident, so this position isn't really helpful to her.

He also does nothing when she begins to have very obvious bastard children outside of her marriage with Laenor. I've said before and will say again that Rhaenyra was very smart to go outside her marriage, but not so smart to choose a baby daddy that didn't resemble Laenor. She would've been better served with a baby daddy who at least had blond hair and lighter eyes, because even if he'd violated her trust there would have been no physical evidence to support the rumors. It's the physical proof that's damning; the fact that everyone knows what her children are just by looking at him. The Velaryons' support doesn't change the boys' appearances. Even Viserys, the King, is unable to defend Rhaenyra when Aegon points out the physical evidence in the Driftmark episode; he can only change the topic, and you bet your ass that every single person in that room notices this, because it confirms the bastard rumors to be true.

Honestly, I feel like this is all a consequence of Viserys's failure to educate Rhaenyra about how shaky her claim was and how significant of a burden he was placing upon her. This is what we often see of the first person to break a precedent, such as the first female ruler: they're held to unfair standards. And it's most definitely unfair, and misogynistic, but Rhaenyra risks war breaking out by simply existing and really can't afford to destabilize things further by alienating lords who don't want bastards to try to usurp their or their trueborn children's claims.

After the Driftmark episode, the bastard rumors have become enough of a problem that Rhaenyra feels King's Landing is hostile to her, and rightfully so. But when she asks to go away to Dragonstone, Viserys allows it. This is such a big mistake and I can't emphasize it enough. If she'd stayed at King's Landing, Rhaenyra would have continued to be a visible presence in the court and by Viserys's side. If Viserys had let her stay, and had allowed her to begin making decisions and taking on responsibility, it would have helped a lot to cement her claim. She would've already had one foot in the door.

Finally, Viserys should have stepped down once he became quite ill. He spent a long time in significant decline, basically unable to rule anyways. Someone was going to be regent in all but name, and by allowing Rhaenyra to leave Viserys ensured that regent would be Otto. He allowed the Greens to build the foundation of political support and experience ruling that would enable them to crown Aegon-- the foundation that should have been Rhaenyra's.

It would have been incredibly helpful to Rhaenyra to have the public support of the previous King for the first several years of her reign. People wouldn't have been able to turn against her as readily (cough cough Otto cough cough). And again, as years passed and she actually lived and made decisions as Queen, she would've proven to be a decent enough ruler and there would be time for the murmurings of unhappy lords to settle. Viserys could have died having seen Rhaenyra sit on the throne for years.

But Viserys did none of this. And when he died, Rhaenyra was miles away from Dragonstone, with no presence or supporters in King's Landing and no experience with leadership. And the Greens, who had been ruling in all but name for years, which everyone knew, who had been able to make allies of the court without competition for years, were perfectly poised--by none other than Viserys--to take Rhaenyra's throne.

[firespirited]

everywhere but here, I am the mom.

not the 'mom friend', not fun aunt or godmother, the big sister type you go to when you're at the end of your tether and you need a mom to clean up something nasty, kill a spider, unload on someone who can handle it and not make it about them, help you pull the trigger on a hard decision you've already taken but haven't accepted. I make things happen, I connect people, I do mediation and emotional prep; I tell people their full options and help them weigh it all up. You were pondering it for a while but you left here with a lawyer's appointment and a loan we both know is a 'pay it forward' gift. I carry the secrets and the bad memories so it makes sense you move on without me when all's well. The big sister thing means I feel like family and shelter but not really like an everyday friend

Here, I get to be Saffy, bit of a klutz, silly brained with a childlike wonder for creatures and well-designed things who can talk about fear of crowds, slowly healing the relationship with my own mum, I watch horror and post about my dog. That's who I want to be, a large facet of who I am internally buuut life rarely fits the idea we have of ourselves does it?

Part of repairing the imbalanced relationship with mum was letting her do some protective mothering so i can fill the desperate ache to have one person in the world who has my back, while making my support of her more streamlined and unspoken. You know the concept of the toilet paper fairy who makes loo roll appear and always knows when to buy more, that but for groceries, electronics and paperwork, and big decisions we carry together but it has to be very businesslike and unemotional: she's as much a big sweetheart as she is fiercely independent (and ashamed/angry her daughter had to carry half the load). So now she's the one who notices or who I go to when the world has asked me to be The Mom again.

I imagine it's a lot like gay penguins: there's an ecological vacuum of big sister-mom types and some of us just have the vibes.

This winter I've done a metric ton of non-judgmental, non-condescending temporary 'parenting' of women with parents who are gone or who can't handle it and friends who aren't friends-for-that-kinda-thing. I'm really good at it, at weathering a storm for someone and being an anchor. It doesn't hurt any more because mum can be an emotional mum to me.

but I'm never sure how to talk about it here between dolls and shitposts and if i'm not specific... I mean... "chronically ill/special needs person currently or previously in abusive relationship with parent/partner who takes a while to realize and accept abuse isn't just fists but sleep depravation and symptom minimization and all sorts of tiny things that add up to life-threatening injury to the body and mind" applies to many of us dollblr folks as it does like 80% of my social circle offline.

and there's no way of saying that being around some folks is like experiencing a slow motion train wreck without sounding like an asshole.

I am that asshole.

I am goatsed out and want to be a hermit.

Did I tell you guys my doctor vented for 45 minutes about having to put her "dumbass hysterical" sister (deaf and never put in school) into care and the paperwork involved in getting disability (the thing that took me 14 years and she got her sister's transferred in 3 weeks). and I truly empathize but that wasn't very professional and your sister is a person. please.

and I can't cut M out of my life now that her kid is, as predicted, like her (and the facebook-chosen not-yet-divorced deadbeat-dad of 3 special needs kids), an adorable barely verbal two-year-old. She won't be able to navigate special needs care alone but she's still staunchly anti-vax and had a diatribe of ableism mixed with mystical pseudoscience for me, interspersed with thanks for being more family to her than her sister in helping her know how to leave a bad relationship. hokay not making this easy.

S is going to be on the hook for tax evasion if she stays with the shady useless guy she's been babying (and resenting) for 20 years solely because she doesn't like to do activities alone. three times now I've been cornered for the vent sesh. I am sitting on the floor the next time, I need blood in my brain to emote properly. and that unneutered bulldog living in the south is a crime, it can't breathe it can't think, it's all hormones and anxiety covered in fur, of course it's a nuisance around the house.

and there's more but i'm tired of typing and thinking.

[dreamwreaver]

I agree with everything you said in your response to that ask. It's obvious Chaggie wasn't something she was always going for. What confuses me is her mindset of, well now that it's canon, I don't have to put in any work for this ship. Excuse me? What? Has Viv never shipped before. That's not how canon works. You have to make ppl care about the ship and she or the writers haven't done that. How is Chaggie good enough to become canon because of some fanart but not good enough for you to flesh out their relationship for ppl to care about? That's dumb as hell. For all that, she should've had them stay platonic. I'm not even a Chaggie shipper but the fact that the creator of this ship doesn't even care about them is disgusting. Nobody told her to make them happen. She did that herself.

Let's be honest, she's likely been on the internet long enough to know what shipping is, explaining her more cavalier attitude on fans shipping which used to be the norm. Her "ship what you want but don't be a dick to other people" attitude is precisely what old fandom used to be like before the influx of what I can only describe as normies decided they wanted to be a part of fandom.

See, the thing about the old internet (and by that I mean before the rise of mainstream social media platforms like Facebook, insta, Twitter, etc.) the internet by and large was by nerds for nerds. We kept the shit we liked online to ourselves irl and we definitely didn't talk directly to creators because it was understood that there was an invisible line we knew not to cross. You didn't harass actors or writers trying to get what you want. But the rise of mainstream meant the rise of accessibility to creators, and the trolls morphed into something much worse.

Look up the fiasco with Alex Brightman during the height of Beetlejuice on Broadway. The poor man was stalked, harassed, and asked over and over again if he condoned Beetlebabes, a ship which had kept that fandom alive for well over 30 years. Until he eventually released a statement so carefully combed over by PR experts only the people who lack media literacy took it at face value. It didn't reflect any previous attitudes he had on anything, and moreover it doesn't align with his current views considering the projects he's actively working on. In reality I don't think the man really gives a shit what people ship he was just sick of the harassment and likely worried that public outcries of him being a pedophile because of a fictional ship because he didn't actively condemn it and call for the harassment of people who did like it would ruin his career.

I have several friends who have come to hazbin from Beetlejuice, and many of them have met him pre pandemic. All of them say he's a lovely and sweet man with a good sense of humor. But imagine going through all he went through for over a year. Viv, and I hate to say it, went through something similar. I was pissed to find out toxic charlastor shippers on Twitter were harassing her to make it canon. So if that ship squicks her out now? I honestly don't blame her. Things are even more sticky with wlw or any gay relationships where you legitimately aren't allowed to portray them as complex or problematic. One thing I've noticed in particular is that male and straight ships are allowed to be as grossly sexualized as anything but women (or femme identified characters) cannot.

Look at all the chaggie art, not a single sexual thing. Even their official pinup stuff is fairly tame. Look at the Vees, despite the fact that velvette is an adult woman who died and is dating... Valentino I think? All the fandom sees is two gay dads and their uwu not sexually active daughter. Same with radioapple come to think of it, Charlie becomes a fully non sexual, almost Madonna figure in relation to the overt sexual nature of the gay ships. I'm guessing some of that still internalized homophobia and kink phobia coupled with sexist attitudes of what women can and cannot be interested in. Lesbian ships cannot be interested in sex, they must be pure and good. Meanwhile there's no end to overtly sexual art of the gay ships across the hellaverse. And the fans get rabid when any female ship isn't innately good and pure.

Another real world example; people flipped their shit when catradora became explicitly canon at the end of the she ra reboot. Because catra had gone through a corruption arc before a redemption one and therefore was forever culpable for the crimes she committed when in an obvious downward mental spiral after a life raised under an abusive mother figure and being abandoned by the person closest to her, and the major brainwashing of the Horde, but we don't have time to unpack all that. Ironic that in a show all about second chances and becoming better than the person you were these attitudes are still pervasive and ugly huh?

To a certain extent I think Viv has been on the internet long enough that she's seen what happens to creators who don't "perfectly" encapsulate a gay romance. Which means that it's unique while also being applicable to everyone. Totally an achievable standard right? (Insert sarcastic eye roll here). For her, I think making chaggie as boring in canon as possible was probably the safest move she could think of. I will critique it from a writing standpoint but overall it was the smartest choice to avoid backlash. I still prefer Vaggie/Emily and charlastor because it's two vastly most interesting dynamics, but I get why the writers might have been wary.

Sorry for the rant but unfortunately the depiction of chaggie wasn't created solely in a vacuum and there's a lot of cross fandom history context that needed to be brought up to explain why chaggie is the animated tofu of hazbin hotel ships.

[claireofluxembourg]

We have radio show in a little less than 20 minutes but in the meantime, I want to come clean to what's been happening with my personal and work life that caused me to have the worst Anxiety Attack I've had in YEARS last night. If it wasn't for my dog, that is sitting in my feet as I write this, I would probably not be alive today.

I don't want to get too much into detail with what's going on because I'm pretty certain all my social media is being stalked (Twitter, Facebook and even my LinkedIn) by my boss. Long story short, she managed to bully out of the job not only my roomate and another friend but she's close to bully one of the receptionists out too (refusing for him to get medical attention related to a chronic illness) and myself.

I confronted her boyfriend (and principal of the school) two nights ago because another teacher (and cousin or nephew or God knows what) told him that I was talking shit with another student about them (which I wasn't, he hadn't seen me in days and they even gave me food) and I told him via text I wanted to be left alone because I was just doing my job and was quite literally out of the picture. They don't want me at the institute so they schedule me online hours. Since me confronting him (which cause the first burst of Anxiety) on thursday, I haven't received any hours scheduled (I work per hour and get payed per hour). He's basicaly threatening my livelihood and he knows it because I talked to him about it. Several times. I told him I needed at least 7k every 15 days to cover up my rent and my other expenses. They haven't covered that in the last month.

And all of this because my roomate was best friends with the owner and they're not anymore because they got into a one sided fight. And what I mean with One Sided is because she got mad my roomate and I didn't invite her to our birthday party (which we had to cancel to not "hurt" the company and her feelings I guess). Since then and because I'm still friends with my roomate, I have been witch hunted and belittled.

I am currently seeking for another job that allows me to cover up my expenses for the next two months. I need to make at least 780 dollars a month to be able to pay my rent and just live here. I am TERRIFIED because they have me under contract and they're in their right to not schedule me hours because my contract says so. I cannot sleep and I cannot eat and I cannot stop crying. I genuinely don't know what to do but to try to express my feelings of absolute hopelessness here.

This is my safe space and probably the only place she doesn't know but even then, I have kept this under wraps from pretty much everyone but my closest family and literally a handful of friends because I feel like a failure. I'm sorry that this has also kept me from blogging here but as you can tell, I'm fighting for my life here. Pray for me because literally I was so close to give up.

Please don't let me give up.

[madmadmilk]

lol why else do i log into this account besides to complain? (idk if that sentence even makes sense lol)

but wedding planning rant below >>>>> ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪

basic facts about us/the wedding: my bf and i have been together for 10 years, ya we've been talking about weddings but can't justify the $$$. then in feb we said fuck it, we'll never be able to afford a house lets just get married. sooo we've been cram planning through the year while doing comic/anime onventions for our wedding in august this year, yipppeee!!! we both have huge families, and tbh we don't have much drama between us but (of course) there's a lot of tension between family members everywhere. but main consensus is that we're both well liked and loved, so everyone is happy. (yay!) wedding planning has been stressful and fun, but also kind of made me conscious of things i literally don't care about.

the problem:

soooooooooo i don't want a big wedding party (but my mom wants me to give every single family member a role in the wedding -- no.). so i have a party of my sister, two close cousins, and a very good friend. yay? right!! should be, YAY, right???????

hm, so last week, i noticed that one of my cousins, we'll call her cousin A, hasn't really been replying or seen in a month? so that was like weird, and i've noticed some weird stuff but like... idk the world doesn't revolve around me (or my wedding) so I just assumed that life was being life, and gave space.

well.

suddenly cousin A's mom blocks and unfriends most of my family across social media. (cousin A's dad is my mom's sister etc they have a lot of sisters) then everyone goes ???

even i'm like ??? cos i'm still on their friend list.

THEN, cousin A tells me she has to tell me something...

she says that her parents are struggling, and that she hasn't spoken to her dad in a month (my maternal uncle? idk if i phrased that right). and of course, life is life-- i have no judgment, only sympathy for everyone. BUT that means that she and her mom cut off everyone in my family..... because they don't want her dad to spread rumors etc, and don't know who has been told what...

cousin A and her mom wish to disappear from our lives.

???????????

like i said before, life is life, i can't understand their situation-- i dont' know all the sides, but i have immense sympathy for the situation. obviously i dont' want people to fight, i want people to be happy and able to live their lives to the fullest.

so---- though this is not the most important part>> she says that she and her mom and family will not attend my wedding. she's unsure of being there because she doesn't want to face questions and scrunity.

i understand.

i'm just horribly sad over it.

of course i didn't write all the details, but i'm just so sad over this. cousin a is like a sister to me, and i have a horribly hard time getting close to people. i'm so introverted and terrible at keeping up, and i haven't always been the most present for her but.. it just makes me really sad to watch her pull away.

a selfish part of me wishes she could just be there for me, but i understand she needs to go her own way and figure things out at her own pace.

just makes me sad.

and worse, i can't tell anyone about this because no one (on my side of the family) know why they've been distant. no one knows that she's said some bad things about them. no one knows the vague-posting they've been doing freakin facebook. it feels pretty irreparable to me, but no one has seen it all yet. then-- cousin A's family is going on a big trip together, just her, her parents , and her BF and she said who knows maybe they'll make up. maybe things will return.

i don't know what to say to that.

i'm grateful that she called me to give me an explanation instead of leaving me hanging, but it hurt my feelings to be told matter-of-factly. of course, this is something that her family has to work out but yeah.

i probably sound so selfish, but i can't even talk to my mom about this. there's too much of this that is not my story to tell or talk about. too many unkind words said, over something that might... return to "normal." kind of just feel miserable about it.

i wish there was an easy solution, i wish there was a way for ME to just.. be understanding and chill out but it's just sad. i'm not good at keeping secrets, or sitting still. but i'm trying to just focus on myself.

we'll see what happens.

people are going to ask me questions soon, idk what to tell them.

if things turn out to be "okay," then "great." i'll just have some lingering bitterness.

yippee!

TL;DR: one of my bridal party (a cousin), is in the middle of excommunicating my family (over internal family matters)-- thus dropping out. of course it is sad and distressing, i'm trying to be understanding. i'm sad i'm losing a sister, and that she isn't choosing me.

^lol that makes me sound terrible tbh haha. like i said, lots of stuff can't be said but yeah... just sad. i'm literally not going to fill her spot, because doing so would make me feel worse. i'm too sentimental.

[thesand-snakes]

There's a photo that exists that I had forgotten about. I blocked it from my memory for twelve years. And then in February, Facebook regurgitated it and threw it at me, and I have not been able to stop being angry about it.

I hate that fucking photo. I hate it because I am so clearly fucking uncomfortable, I look like I want to crawl out of my own skin, and I remember everyone laughing when it was taken. He never took no for an answer when it came from me. Never listened when I said stop. The photo is fucking proof. And I hate it because the person who took it saw so little wrong with what was happening, she not only took that photo while giggling up a storm, she posted it and tagged me in it.

I removed the tag. But the photo still exists.

And if I ask why she did it now, I'm "dredging up the past," and "why didn't you say anything back then?"

I DID!

But my discomfort was and is a joke to them. I am a joke. And when I begged for help to make him stop, because he actually respected the two of them enough to listen, I was told I needed to stop reacting to the harassment.

"He only does it to get a reaction from you. If you stop reacting, he'll leave you alone."

Because it was MY fault. Everything was always my fault. Is my fault.

And when we got home from that trip and I climbed into my shower and scrubbed my skin raw so that I could erase the memory, and then adamantly refused to hang out with him ever again, I was the asshole. I was breaking up the friend group. Again. Because when people hurt me, it doesn't matter. It's not important enough to bother anyone else.

"Well, he's never done anything like that to me."

Great. So fucking thrilled for you. But he did do it to me, and he's a vile little man, and I don't believe in Hell anymore, so I can't say I hope he goes there, but I can say I hope he fucking ROTS.

But that's not how anyone else saw it. I mean, clearly I deserved the harassment, right? Because I was too weak to stand up for myself? So why should anyone else, right? And how dare I ask for help, anyway! Don't I know that asking people to "white knight" for me is fucking insane?!

I'm tired. I haven't slept in like three days. I want to scream or cry or something, but no one wants to hear that, and even if they did, I don't want to inconvenience anyone.

So I'll swallow it until my next therapy session, where my therapist will AGAIN tell me I REALLY need to start talking to people in my life again, and stop bottling shit up, and I'll AGAIN tell him that it's not that fucking simple. That I used to try, that I spent years trying, and being made to feel like a fucking inconvenience for wanting to talk. That I was raised being told by both friends and family that I'm too sensitive and I need to get my emotions in check and grow up. That my tears brought someone I thought was my friend fucking JOY for a year, and that now I can't let myself cry even when I'm alone. That I'm aware that it's stunted me. That swallowing those emotions and pushing them down and remaining stone faced has kept me from actually learning how to process them. That I understand that the bottling them up and feeling suppressed and depressed and so fucking alone led me to drinking too much and making stupid fucking mistakes and becoming the most annoying person anyone has ever known. And that, fuck, according to 80% of the people I have ever cared about, I was already, at least, most of the way there, so that just made it worse. And that it's why I'm even more alone than I was before. And fuck, I was so alone before.

That I'm not worth the time it takes to read this post.

That I know these things. And I can't unknow them.

And I have tried really, really fucking hard to be better. I stopped drinking earlier this year, but now my sleep schedule is fucked and insomnia is awful, and that's made it worse and it's a really fucking annoying cycle that I can't break. And that when I try to explain this cycle to people, they look at me like I'm an idiot and tell me to just step out of it like I'm not in a fucking whirlpool that's pulling me down and slowly drowning me.

And that picture...that fucking picture still exists. And it's eating me alive.

And I want it gone. Burned. Destroyed. Erased from the internet. But I also want it printed, and stored somewhere secure where I don't have to look at it. Because it's proof. It's proof that when I say that even when I ask for help, I don't get it, that when I fucking BEG for someone to take my fucking side for once, it doesn't happen. It's proof that all the times I've been told I'm "overdramatic" and that if I just asked for help instead of "just expecting it," maybe someone would help me. It's PROOF that that was never the fucking case.

It's proof that I'm worth even less than I make myself out to be.

And the worst part is, if either of the two people who were laughing while it was taken had been in my shoes, in that situation, I would have killed him. I could have killed him. I would have reached across the aisle and pulled them out of that situation before it ever got that far. I sure as fuck never would have taken a photo.

But because it was me...

[rubyleaf]

Went through my blog again for the funsies and discovered an old, old tag game from 2016. And boy, am I shaking my head at it. Not only is 17-year-old me hilariously and stubbornly convinced she's straight, she's also very self-deprecating and generally not in a good place.

So I thought: why not answer these questions again, over seven years later, just to see how things have changed?

So here goes. The update.

MOST RECENT:

Drink: Water! I have a glass next to me right now and I'm staying nice and hydrated :) Phone call: Mom, earlier this afternoon, to make sure I'm still healthy and haven't died from acute Moved Out And Living Unsupervised Disease. Shockingly, I'm alive and well. Text: Dad, joking about the Berlin lioness boar thing. I still refuse to believe it was a boar BTW. I don't know what it was, but those pictures do NOT look like a boar.

Song you listened to: Saosin – "You're Not Alone" Time you cried: You know, I genuinely don't remember. Might've been weeks ago. I barely cry anymore these days, except from laughter or the occasional tearing up over a heartwarming scene in a show.

Dated someone twice: No, and unless the circumstances were very special, I wouldn't. If the ship has sailed, it has sailed for a reason. Been cheated on: Single, thriving, in my lane, cannot be cheated on if I don't have a partner. Peace and love on Planet Earth. Lost someone special: Lost touch with many friends over the years. Staying in touch is still hard. But honestly, some of them turned out to not be that special after all in the first place and a lot have stayed too, so really, it's fine. Been depressed: Nah. Been drunk and thrown up: Still don't like alcohol, still don't drink ✌️ Your three favourite colours: Purple! And pink, and the third one…maybe red!

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: So many. So so many. Fallen out of love: Yep! Laughed until you cried: Just this week alone! Met someone who changed you: I think so! Found out who your true friends are: Yes. And to the people who turned out not to be—thanks for making it easier to watch you leave right now. Found out someone’s talking about you: In the "bringing up my existence" way? Yes. Badly? No—someone probably did, but not my problem.

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: What Facebook? Do you have any pets: Not at the moment. Hard to keep any in a dorm room. I'd like to maybe get a small dog someday though! Do you want to change your name: Not anymore. When I was little I used to hate my name because everyone kept misspelling or mispronouncing it, but now I like it even if people still get it wrong all the time. Sometimes it still feels weird and othering, in an irrational sort of way, but I can't imagine myself being called anything else. What did you do for your last birthday: Had drinks with some people from my orientation group in one guy's dorm apartment. Casually came out as bi over a game of Never Have I Ever. Wound up at a party even though I had an 8:30 AM class the next morning. Zero regrets. What were you doing last night at midnight? Sitting on my bed and hitting play on the brand-new Meet Me @ the Altar song that dropped last night!!! Name something you can’t wait for: MM@TA EU tour in October! I've been obsessed with them for two years and finally they come here to play some shows and the first time I saw the announcement I legit busted a lip in my excitement. Unfortunately not a hyperbole.

Last time you saw your mum: Last time I visited home—early May I think? What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Better executive functions so I struggle less with getting stuff done, especially uni stuff and household chores. Currently trying to do something about that, actually! If I'm really lucky I might get an ADHD diagnosis in the foreseeable future and maybe meds…? What are you listening to rn: Fall Out Boy – "We Didn't Start the Fire" Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Often. It's quite a common name where I live! What’s getting on your nerves rn: One word: THESIS. Which I for some reason struggle to do anything about. Blood type: Still unknown! Nickname: Several shorter forms of my civilian name. On here, Ruby. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius Pronouns: she/her Favourite tv show: At the moment: ATLA (and Legend of Korra), Ted Lasso, Good Omens. Probably more I'm forgetting. High school: Graduated in 2016! College: In my Masters! I have an undergraduate degree in law now :D Long or short hair: Long, down to my hips. I used to have short hair as a kid, but I’ve always wanted long hair. Height: 159 cm or 5′2.5′’. Do you have a crush on someone: I try to tell myself that no, I'm just very fond of the person. Platonically. What do you like about yourself: I'm creative and adaptable! I'm good at winging it when the situation requires it, and I usually get things figured out one way or another. I'm a hype woman for my friends, and I like the way I can find joy and excitement in all corners of life. Also, not to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of my style right now! Right or left handed: Right-handed. First surgery: None. Piercing: None. First best friend: Probably Rebecca, in first grade. It’s a shame I moved away, I wonder what she’s doing now. First sport you joined: Ballet, when I was five or six. Kept doing it until early fifth grade, then changed to horseback riding. First vacation: Probably to my grandparents’ vacation home somewhere at the North Sea. Don’t remember a thing though, I was one or something.

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: Nothing. Drinking: Water, still! I’m about to: Hopefully write a bit more for the mystery project 👀 Listening to: Meet Me @ the Altar – "Give It Up"

WANT:

Kids: Yes, eventually. I'd like a stable partner first (although if push comes to shove I wouldn't mind raising my kids solo), and most importantly I'd like to be my own person for a couple of years and not be bound by duty to everyone else. Travel, explore the world and myself, get all that out of my system so I can truly go into motherhood with no regrets. Get married: Yes, if I find the right person to do it with. Career: Study law and work for the EU or an NGO.

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Eyes. I don't pay much attention to lips outside of someone having a cute smile! Hugs or kisses: Kisses are nice, but I still prefer hugs! Taller or shorter: IDGAF. I still love my tall lanky noodle men, but I'm not picky. With women, even less so. Girl is taller than me? Awesome, great for being held. Shorter than me? CUTE. Older or younger: Around my age, rest doesn't matter. I'm at an age where anything between 20-30 is fair game, but any younger or older and it gets creepy. Romantic or spontaneous: A mixture of both. Nice stomach or nice arms: If the person is nice, their body will be nice too. It's an automatic process. I don't make the rules. Sensitive or loud: A combination of both! Troublemaker or hesitant: Secret third thing where they're chaotic but also too shy to really make a move.

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: Does "someone I talked to all evening but didn't know before that and didn't meet again afterwards" count? Drank liquor: Tried a bit, same as everybody. Found it nasty. Didn't try again. Lost glasses/contacts: Don't have any to lose. (Given the way I've been treating my eyes: yet?) Had sex on the first date: I'm asexual and I refuse. Broke someone’s heart: Yes, and let's leave it at that. Turned someone down: I'm a woman existing in public. Having to turn down random men is a recurring part of my experience. Cried when someone died: Not really—I seem to shut down and go blank more than anything else. I used to feel guilty about it, but now I've learned that everyone processes grief and loss differently and it doesn't mean I care less. Fallen for a friend: Yes, repeatedly, it has yet to end well, and it will probably happen again.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: Mostly yes. There are some things I need help with before I can unlock my full potential, but one thing I've learned is that I always manage in the end. And once I get proper help, I have no doubt I'll be just fine. Miracles: I don't like to rely on them, but I do believe that unlikely good things can and do happen. Love at first sight: Not for myself, I need to get to know a person before I fall for them. I do believe in attraction at first sight though. Heaven: It's a nice thought, but whether or not it exists doesn't matter to me. Our task in life is the same regardless: try to be kind and treat others well and hopefully leave the world a slightly better place. Santa Claus: No, and never really have. My parents never claimed he was real; my Christmas presents always came from the family that visited on Christmas Eve. Kissing on a first date: Did it once, it was okay. I think it's one of those "take it or leave it" things—if the chemistry is right, sure, go for it, but it's definitely not for everyone in every situation.

[thatrandompoet]

I'm quite different now, yet fundamentally the same.

I stumbled across an old flame's Facebook. And by stumbled I mean I saw them listed as a mutual on someone else's profile and I went to their profile and scrolled through two years worth of posts. Also we are still friends, but we haven't talked in years now. Which is so strange because just a few years ago our friendship was so Important. I'm not quite sure how it happened but we just....stopped talking to one another. Maybe we both just suddenly grew up.

I wanted to send them an apology for who I used to be. But I'm the same person...just...healthier? Is that what it is? 3 years ago I would've sent them a message. Today I thought that it was best not to. I thought that not reaching out, avoiding bringing up memories, was the best way to be apologetic. But I wonder if they forgive me...and then I think, they don't owe me forgiveness anyway. But I hope they do forgive me. And I wonder if they think about me sometimes and I wonder if they want to apologize for their part in all of it. But I forgive them no matter what.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

(I'm posting this for my mom)

AITA for purposely not inviting someone in our friend group?

I (50s female) am in a friend group with around 10, sometimes more, people (all 50s-60s, one 40s). When I broke up with my boyfriend a few years ago, my friend, "John," was helping me through it. We would go to record stores together, hang out, yada yada all that fun stuff. I always thought of him as a friend and was very grateful to him for helping me through my breakup. Unfortunately, though, he thought I saw him as more than that, and started flirting with me. I kept hinting that I wasn't interested, and ended up telling him straight up a few times, but he kept flirting. When I finally cut him off, he went of Facebook and made a mean post about me, calling me evil, manipulative, and that I led him on. He also kept telling people that I was dating him (I was not and have never dated him) and telling people that my male friend "Bob" who I was hanging out had a girlfriend (Bob didn't, and besides, Bob and I weren't seeing each other). Overall, John was very possessive and annoying.

On top of that, every time there's an event, John gets completely wasted. I'm talking stoned and black-out drunk at the same time. And if it was once in a while, it'd be understandable, but it's every event. I love a good party as much as the next person, but he has a serious problem.

Overall, I've cut contact with him after he tried to manipulate my friends against me (and succeeded with a couple of them). But it feels wrong to not invite him but invite everyone else. On top of that, two of my friends are still close with him, they're practically joined at the hip. And since cutting off John, I haven't gotten to see them much. I miss them, but John makes me so uncomfortable.

Tumblr, AITA for not inviting John but inviting everybody else?

What are these acronyms?

[allsystemsarenotgo]

What is the measurement of success and failure?

Friday night, I watched a dear friend graduate with a Bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering and dual minors in Maths and Computer Science in four years.

Something I long dreamed of doing in high school. I wanted to go into Mechanical Engineering. That's what my grandfather had done and partial of what my father did.

But when I got to college, despite being an A/B student in high school, I was woefully unprepared. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't academically pass even the basic classes.

There was a point in my second semester of freshman year that I locked myself in my dorm room for a solid week, just stuck in a very deep depression. My peer counselor had to use her master key to do a welfare check on me, and take me to the on-campus counseling center.

And it got bad enough after four semesters that my GPA hit a point that I had to change majors. So I changed from mechanical to computer science. I passed the basic classes there without issue - and one of them I was told to shut up and stop answering questions because I already knew the material but had to take the class just to have the credit on my transcript. I even had no issues with the couple of 3,000 and 4000 level courses I took in the program, but then ran into hurdles in the later classes. But there was just one specific professor that did not like me, I'm not even sure he liked anybody, and just really tried to make my life miserable. Two semesters I took his class trying to get a passing credit and failed to do so; I took the class as a condensed summer with a different professor and got through it with no problem and a high B. But the damage had been done.

I was expulsed from the engineering department as a whole after my 8th semester on campus (10 semesters counting two summers).

I ended up graduating with a bachelor's in University Studies after another 6 semesters (4 full and 2 summer). Where I went, it was basically their fast track program to get out of the college, allowing me to count three minors worth of accreditation towards a generic bachelor's. Considering I had accrued enough hours that would otherwise count for a master's degree, it was all the more depressing too have a generic bachelor's that wouldn't really mean much in life.

Does that mean I was an academic failure?

I've never been much of a social bug, but many of the friends that I made over those 6 years for the only friends I had in life. The only social life I knew was the one with other students.

It wasn't much longer than a year after I graduated that I no longer had most of those friends, and in subsequent years that number dropped more and more.

These days I only have one friend I still talk to from college, but we haven't gotten together in a few years. He is a high level executive at a firearms company now while raising two daughters on his own after their mother relinquished her rights.

My social bubble has only minutely increased since then. The title of "Best Friend" has bounced from person to person as they painfully came and went. My social bubble at this point only consists of the girlfriend on a weekendly basis and K and D (whom I just saw last week for the first time in months but text daily).

I text J and M at least once a week, sometimes daily. But I just saw J for the first time in at least a year as she walked for college graduation, and I have only seen M once (last year) in the last decade.

But outside of Facebook, that's my social/conversation bubble.

Does that mean I am a social failure?

I've never held a "good" job; I'm always lived more or less paycheck to paycheck. The "extra" things I've accrued in life have generally been purchased with my savings account of my mum's inheritance. I've spent 75% of what I inherited in the few years since she passed; granted a chunk of that was eliminating my student loans.

Does that mean I am an employment and/or financial failure?

What is the measurement in success and failure? I feel like so much of a failure when I am surrounded by "more" successful people.

I feel like there are some things, like my friend's graduation, where I had small contributions and share a bit in the success-by-proxy. Is that wrong?

It's hard not to be mad at myself about things of the past. When it comes to "What would you tell a younger self?"... So many things.

Reflecting back on the progression of J and our friendship, it just doesn't make me feel good about myself. During the ceremony, a student spoke about how she is a first generation college student/graduate from an immigrant family, and all the effort that was required for success.

Seeing people go and do and complete the things that I wished I could do but didn't...it hurts the self-esteem.

There are so many things I wish I could time travel and fix so that I could be a better me.

But I can't. I'm just another random bloke with a meaningless degree that can't get any jobs that my knowledge could otherwise maybe get me into...or that I could have gotten myself if I would have been better at university.

Yay for those that can apply themselves and be successful.

Depression for those that have failed in life.

🙋‍♂️

[sweaterkittensahoy]

thanks to therapy, I quietly exited a toxic friendship rather than try and fix it. I saw that I'd spent years trying to help this person grow and learn, and all the same shit kept coming up. He posted something absolutely against everything he said he was, and I realized there was nothing I could do to help him, and I was out of the patience to try and explain yet again.

"We haven't talked in any way in three months," I thought. "I'm gonna just unfriend him everywhere."

I did that, and there was no response from that guy. He didn't notice, just as I'd thought. I was glad. My previous response to toxic friendships had been to try to make miracles happen with someone who didn't actually want help, just someone to complain to.

The reason I finally unfriended him was an internet scandal. Two weeks later, someone I followed on twitter did a thread about said scandal. I read the thread and read some replies. Someone--let's say Bob--talked about how the scandal made him realize people he trusted weren't trustworthy.

I replied to Bob, telling him I'd had the same issue. I mentioned I'd unfriended someone for their take on it. I did not mention any names.

Occasionally, I am the lead in a comedy of errors. This was one of those times. Turns out, the friend I had quietly unfollowed followed Bob. And still followed me. And because I had replied to Bob, twitter pushed Bob's comment and my reply into this dude's mentions.

The unfriend went OFF on me. On twitter. Where I hadn't said anything that provided any personal information about who I was talking about. He accused me of subtweeting him. He got mad--two weeks after it had happened--that I'd unfriended him without talking to him.

He then went on Facebook and talked shit without mentioning my name while making it clear who I was (we had a lot of shared friends) while letting people in the thread call me a cunt (something he swore he was against in other circumstances). Another person in the thread said, "Huh, hasn't this happened to this person several times? Sounds like they're the problem."

I saw this because this dude blocked me but not Sean. And the second dude saying I'm the problem? Called me a cunt several years before.

So.

Yeah. Toxic people will attach to anyone who will take on their shit. And they will turn around and say you were the problem if you walk away.

I did, in fact, have several toxic people I had to cut from my life. Because I was raised in a shitty environment where I was taught running myself into the ground for another person is proof of my love. I never sought out toxic assholes. But they found me. Because they find everybody. I was just trained to think I could fix them.

That's the #1 thing you can learn about dealing with toxic people: They don't give sweet fuck all about you or what you think about them. They won't stop and evaluate if maybe you quietly and politely left for a reason. They will just scream and blame you because it will give them a chance to find the next kind person to put up with them.

A gallows humor level moment: The dude I quietly walked away from and the last toxic person I blew up at rewrote history right there on facebook. If I had a sociology degree, I'd have had a whole fucking research project just from that.

An interesting perspective to consider

[intoamonster]

oo6

So today is my bonus son's 12th birthday, and veteran's day. Veteran's day used to be hard for me but ever since I met Noah I have repurposed today.

Not long ago I lost my best friend. She used to always have some comment about my marriage, and I finally said something about how her relationship isn't any better than what she thinks mine is, since he's left her god knows how many times and been with at least two different women... and she blew the fuck up on me and blocked me on everything. I started talking to her friend like a year ago, and we still haven't met IRL and I just feel like now she's just blowing smoke like I'm just never going to meet her. I feel dumb too because I bought her and her son some gifts. She and my old best friend both got clean and who is more judgemental than a fake Christian? People in recovery. But I know when I'm being lied to. And the way she talked about my best friend to me, I KNOW they are talking about me. They are both younger than me, and I never hear from them unless I check in with them first.. and I just decided to keep that relationship broken instead of keep putting up with her no filter mouth and opinions, like how can you sit here and spit all that hatred but then I come at you with that same energy and you shut the fuck down? She has blasted me on facebook god knows how many times, and she always makes it so difficult to just stand my ground with her. I've taken a lot of hits and losses and I'm just glad it's over honestly. I'm glad she's got a friend that she can cuss out and put down and that friend is still so loyal to her. But apparently not since she talks so much shit about her behind her back... no thanks, keep that mean girl misery. Hoping she spent all them $20s and $30s I sent her over the last three years every month!

Found out my father in law quit his really good job today. Not sure what the hell he was thinking. We just went over there not too long ago and he walked around the whole time I was there, WITH NO PANTS ON. It was so fucking uncomfortable to say the least.

Since I've had my own home, I've realized how important it is to have your own space. Living with tons of other people and not having your own space really fucks with your energy. I'm such a homebody I love my home.