#i'm still definitely very mentally ill about these 2 old men

[hoofpeet]

yo, if ur lavingo brain worm isnt gone yet can u draw more of them??? i jus saw ur lavingo stuff and its my new fav ship, u draw them so awesome its insane 2 me...

HEEHEE here's 1 thang from an old sketchpage...

[minniepetals]

Hello I hope this does not come off as rude or overly harsh which unsolicited criticism often tends to be but there are just a few pet peeves I have with cmar.

Y/N has literally been hurt by so many people which is kind of odd considering she is "pretty" and the daughter of a mafia leader tho one who doesn't care about her. Still there is no way it wouldn't have given her privilege even if it was hidden that she was her daughter ppl definitely will be hesitant to hurt to hurt her.

Also the reasons why she hates these people are all the same that they hurt her and/or harrassed her which is fine but it gets so repetitive.

Also earlier in the story its very unbelievable how a sweet girl like yn so insecure of her emotions would end up as this weird emo like no emotions gal. Like ik the whole point is that she has been hurt so much that she became this way but even when oneself is trying to survive by blocking out emotions they preserve a bit of their past selves not intentionally but just naturally. I just feel that yn is so bland now, the "oh i don't show emotions unless I am having a mental breakdown" just seems overplayed because if she is having so many panic attacks on the regular she is DEFINITELY an emotional person and one who shows it too since she's kinda bad at hiding them from anyone who looks at all more than 2 sec at her.

The healing arc should definitely be here yet cuz yn is not dumb and since pointless revenge is not giving her peace she should try something else? Like it honestly feels like Tumblr teens who post edgy things about mental illness but don't wanna heal from it cuz that's their only personality trait.

Again, I did thoroughly enjoy the first half of cmar and I send this with no ill intent. I just wonder if you can elaborate a bit of your thought process for the above so that I can read the rest of the chapters without being annoyed by these things.

first of all, thanks for your input because obviously i'm not the greatest writer out there and getting to know this part of my writing helps me out a lot! and of course, i can definitely walk you through my thought process without spoiling too much. it's gonna be long so i'll leave it under the cut

the thing with being pretty in this context, and it's kinda a theme with the mafia world in cmar, is that the pretty ones (i say pretty ones because seokjin and jimin are also considered pretty and went through some similar harassment) are taken advantage of by their beauty. like attracting creepy old men for example and sure there's that privilege of turning people over to your side but that comes with the issue of trusting whether their intentions are good or not -- and y/n is always on the edge. she also hates the spotlight and attention and only uses her pretty privilege to an advantage if she needs to for a mission. not to mention the men in the mafia world are pretty much psychopaths who gets upset easily. you can only do so much with a pretty face. a pretty face may attract easily but being pretty isn't the reason people stay with you or will always take your side. and at the end of the day, these men live off power and control.

y/n hates a lot of people but the whole thing with her revenge arc isn't her going after people that have only harassed her. her first man was her father and you know the story with that. the second was daejung, who had kidnapped her when she was only fourteen and that traumatized her. jummy, though was abusive, wasn't her target, it was his brother ying, who trafficked children and the reason why she went after him was to save those children. leehyun was a predator who got her to fear the touch of men. nari wasn't even a part of the list because yeah she harassed y/n but that was all. y/n doesn't only care entirely about the people that only harassed her, it goes a little deeper than that. and now our next target is karl who (spoiler alert) is behind the reason to y/n's first and only reaper who died (aka nakyum), and the other ones i can't explain cuz they're not revealed yet lmao. but all in all, her hit list are individual people that have done her wrong through different reasons.

i guess it's fair for you to say that our y/n has gotten bland. that is of course your view and i can't change your perspective on her personality. it's a bit harder to explain since not a lot has been revealed about what went on during that mysterious ten year gap (with her shift of personality), but i guess a good reason i can give is the fact that most of the storytelling is in y/n's perspective, which means whatever she says or think may or may not actually be accurate information. aka her outtake on not wanting to be an emotional person but her actions contradicts her thoughts. like if you were to read things through mingyu's perspective, he'd definitely agree with you saying she's an emotional person because he's there to witness her breakdowns, etc. y/n on the other hand likes to pretend she doesn't care about anything and tries to shut her emotions off but, again, her actions contradicts her wants and beliefs. and the same goes with her emotional thoughts, her panicked thoughts, etc. for example on the inside, we can read through her thoughts and the things she's saying like when nari's guys went to touch her and she's internally panicking, along with when karl touched her. we can read her thoughts because, again, the story's mostly in her pov, but from an outsider's perspective, she looks calm and cool and aloof but you may or may not see or understand that because you, as readers, are deep into her thoughts so it's easy to understand her from within because we've gotten to know her a lot, but again, a lot of her panicked state (when in front of people she doesn't trust) occurs internally. jungkook and the boys have come to know and understand her a bit more so they can identify it better now but previously they only thought of her as an emotionless dickhead.

the healing arc is dragged on but i would say for good reason because, well, i guess there's some important points that i haven't touched on yet that i feel should be addressed before we head for her healing. there's this quote that two anons sent me that could sum up a good explanation to your criticism here and that's: "Sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we've lost." as well as: "I am destroying myself so other people can't , and it's the worst kind of control, but it's the only form I know" and maybe this might not be a good enough explanation but i feel like when it comes to people who's dealt with lots of things, it's not easy to just "give up" on what they're doing and head to healing. it's easier said than done. i wouldn't say she's similar to an angsty teen but she's definitely immature in her own ways and that's partly because, in a way, she's still grappling with her lost childhood. her revenge is pointless, yes, and she knows it's not giving her the peace she wants but maybe she's hurting herself on purpose, maybe she can't just "heal" because hurt is all she's known her entire life, because it's the only thing she's used to.

idk if i've elaborated enough but that's a bit of my thought process. if i went on any longer, i'd probably accidentally spoil major stuff lmao and i think this is long enough oop- but i hope that even if none of this changes your mind, you can understand a bit of my perspective (as best as i tried to explain it haha) 💗

[bondsmagii]

Having an existential crisis right now and I shall come to your inbox like a sinner comes to a priest.

So I'm 25, college dropout, barely held a job (like did it for 2 months) and am completely supported by my parents. I'm in every aspect the definition of failure, right? Objectively. Some part was due to mental illness, but mostly me being a lazy and stupid asshole who didn't know what to do with their lives. And then I realized I wanted to be an artist, right? Like one does. And I'm pretty good at it also, think I might have a chance, had some interest in my little art. Very happy. But, but, sadly, to me and all the nation, my parents are rich white awful conservatives who have a very heavy foot on local politics. So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable. Like I've had enormous privileges that were born out of shitty shitty ways. And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult. I directly benefited from money earned by bad ways and just being supported by hateful hateful harmful people. It's like they calling out Benedict cumbebatch for their family being slave owners, you know? You might not have directly done the harm but you did benefit from it. I did benefit from it - everything I ever had and eaten and done was paid for with my dad being an asshole politician. Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it. I understand it. I know it's my fault for not leaving early and not getting my shit together and if I ever had a fighting chance of not being an asshole and associated with my family of assholes that chance was turning 18 and leaving - which I didn't do. And it's not like I don't plan on leaving, I absolutely do. Want to get my shit together and cut this people off as soon as possible. But it makes me so sad that I cannot pursue art bc of this. I try to imagine my dream life, like everyone does, and even then when I dream of being an accomplished writer, i can only imagine me being canceled and publicly shamed for coming out of this shitty ass rich family and everything I ever did stained in an irreparable way. In my dreams I'm jk rowling and my past is like her tweeting. A whole life of work and creation destroyed and ruined. People feeling ashamed of even having liked your art to begin with. Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything. My parents give two shots about art and have no contact with the art world whatsoever. But still, you know, son of a politician. Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest. Turning 25 really does change a men's perspective. Not that I didn't know I was a failure, but I was quite prone to outsourcing the guilt, you know.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity or anything like that I mean cmon, but by God did I manage to fuck myself over thoroughly by just doing nothing. Literally doing nothing. It's very frustrating, feeling your past eat your future alive. Undescriblale grief, truly. Anyway, probably gonna become a history teacher now. Go back to college.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life tho and everything I ever do will be derivative of the privilege they gave me growing up, which wouldn't be a bad thing, if I didn't fucking hate them and they weren't awful ppl.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know. It's like that tiktok song "I know I fucked up but jesus".

Yeah anyway

Thank you for hearing my confession bc like father have I sinned.

I say all of this in the absolute kindest way, anon, and with the disclaimer that I firmly believe that nobody is undeserving of redemption and everybody deserves the chance to be happy: this is absolutely delusional, and I'm sorry that you've come to think this way. I am so sorry that you feel you need to live a half-life you're completely lacking passion for, based on these ridiculous arbitrary ideas on who is "allowed" to produce art. I'm sorry that you've been led to believe that the mistakes and choices we make as young people define the rest of our lives and we're not allowed to move on from them. and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like you will never escape the shadow of your parents. all of this is absolutely false, and I sincerely hope you rethink. I'm going to go through a few things that stood out to be here, because Christ, anon, this is not the way.

So, you know, giving the culture of accountability, which I do support, I would've been canceled if I ever attempted to be an artist, which is understandable.

no, it's not. the current culture of accountability, like many things, came from a place of genuine desire to hold the people doing society the most harm to account. it was designed to call out billionaires and millionaires, and corrupt police forces, and parasitic business practises, and organisations like Hollywood and colleges that covered up constant sexual assault and harrasment, and other things of a similarly insidious calibre. it was never designed for small fry like your parents, who, while perhaps terrible, have likely not done anywhere near this level of damage. even if they have, it was never designed for the children of these people. unless the child grows up, learns better, and still choses to be ignorant and go into the family business, the blame does not rest with them. this level of accountability -- that the child is accountable for the sins of the parent -- is more in line with Soviet Russia or North Korea. it is deranged.

you know better now. take steps to get away and become self-sufficient. you do not deserve to be "held accountable" for being a minor child, and then being a dumb idiot in your early 20s. you are 25 years old. that's an impressively young age to screw your head on right. I know people twice your age (literally!) who still can't admit they've been assholes in the past. you have the rest of your life to learn and do the right thing. denying yourself the life you want in order to beat yourself up over these made-up "crimes" is akin to white guilt in the way that it helps absolutely nobody and "makes up" for nothing. not to mention coming off as self-centred and conceited, putting yourself at the centre of something that harmed others, which is obviously not what you're going for. you do not need to do penance for the rest of your life because you were born to assholes.

And while I can justify it as a minor, I don't think that being like "well I was a little sad and a little lost and did bad choices" is an excuse when you're a grown ass adult.

you are only 25. this idea that all these young people on TikTok or Twitter or whatever have absolutely spotless political credentials is a lie. you made bad choices. you recognised they were bad. now you want to avoid repeating those choices. you have made a mistake and learned from it, and become a better person. that's how it's supposed to work. you don't fuck up and then have to retire from life forever. I will sooner trust somebody who openly admits to being privileged and ignorant in the past than someone who claims they never had a problem with it, and I do not subscribe to the idea that the more oppressed you are, the better you are morally. the best among us are those who fuck up and learn and admit and accept their capacity to cause harm. the worst among us are those who think they're immune to learning, always right, and incapable of doing wrong.

Anyway, I know I can't pursue art, you know? Like I know it.

you are wrong. all art is worth something. every human on the planet has the right to create art and be appreciated for it. it is not something you "earn" the right to do by being adequately oppressed. everyone has something worth saying, and the problem is with industries that amplify certain art over others, not the artists and their backgrounds. it is also fully possible to use your privilege and contacts to shine light on issues and artists that deserve more attention. the idea that if you're too privileged you're not "allowed" to make art, or you have nothing worth saying, is absolutely fucking insane and is not an attitude you come across among normal, intelligent people.

Like Man, i could even be acused of nepotism, although it truly never played any part on anything.

the wonderful thing about callout culture is that you could be accused of anything some random, bitter, uncharitable user decides. I have been accused of being a genocide supporter, a neo-Nazi, a transphobe, and a paedophile. you'll learn quickly as a writer that people who do this are stupid as shit and nobody with a braincell listens to them. I strongly recommend spending more time offline to recalibrate yourself to how normal people think.

Plus its not only bc of them but bc of my past actions, I am the stereotypical entitled asshole who doesn't work and dropped out of college and fucked up in general. I didn't mean to be one, it just happened I guess. It infuriates me, I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and drag my ass out of the bed and just like beat the shit out of me. Wish I could do it to last year me too, to be honest.

we all wish this. I was a cunt at 18. I was a cunt at 21. I was a cunt probably up until I was 26, so congrats, you're a year ahead of me. you know better now. you fully deserve to learn from your mistakes and be allowed the opportunity to be a better person. nobody on the planet is immune from being an asshole, especially at this age. you are right on track, at the age where most people mature and grow out of their assholishness. this is not some irredeemable flaw that you possess because of your parents' privilege. this is called growing up. it is good and it is normal.

Well, anyways, I know I don't deserve pity

I don't like to give out pity anway, as I find it condescending, but you do have my sympathy. you should feel guilt for any people you have actually hurt, yourself, through bad behaviour in the past. but you have my sympathy for the way that you've been made to believe that these mistakes, which you regret and wish to change and never repeat, should doom you to a life of misery, that you do not particularly want, and that apparently mean you're not "allowed" to follow your passions. that is desperately sad. I am sorry this has happened to you. you deserve a chance to prove yourself a better, wiser person, and you deserve the rewards that should come from changing. forgive yourself.

But it feels like I will never be able to erase my parents fingerprints of my life

not quite the same situation as you, but I once thought this exactly. my parents fucked me up big time, and I thought that I would never escape them. now nothing I have has anything to do with them. it's possible and you will get to this point too. think about the life that you want -- that is not theirs. but living miserably in penance for your parents' sins? that will ensure that you will never, ever escape them. the choice is yours.

Inescapable hell, I tell you. Deserved, I know.

never deserved. if you want to do better you deserve the chance. it is never too late to start doing better, it's never too late to change yourself, and if you're sincere and you succeed, you deserve to be happy.

finally, to reiterate something I said earlier: spend less time online. this kind of thought process is only found in people who spend excruciating amounts of time online. people do not think like this in the real world. grown adults with critical thinking skills and basic empathy do not think you should suffer forever because your parents were assholes and you made some stupid choices in your teens and early twenties. being exposed to the kinds of "politics" you get online -- which is less about politics and more about power and self-righteousness and putting others down in order to disguise one's own flaws -- is quite literally making you insane. sign off and work on yourself. the average human life span is around 80 years. don't live in misery because some people online think the first 25 of those years define you.

[loser-female]

1. Idk? Thee years?

2. Two things in particular:

- How many people with severe mental illness and history of SA are involved in BSDM scenarios and I IDed as non binary for a while. They 100% think short hair =man.

3. Terf is the new feminazi, so, no.

4. Used to ID as non binary for literally few months (I do have some dysphoria). These people push gender stereotypes like the worst conservative and I stopped.

5. I'm bisexual and I've been in a relationship with a man for the last 9 years (!). As I said 18201720 times already (and people still get angry at me lol), I'm definitely pro separatism and I do think dating men is a bad idea, especially because I 100% believe that the dating scenario is getting worse day by day for various reasons. I also don't think it's wise to break up a healthy relationship because someone on the internet tells you to do that, however (keyword: healthy). That being said clearly being with a man that watches pornography, buys OF subscriptions etc is wrong, but dating per sé is neutral. Not a good idea imho, but still neutral.

Unfortunately/Fortunately marriage (as in, the document) still grants you right a couple wouldn't have otherwise (alimony etc), so it makes sense to get married, and women keep getting screwed really bad because they don't consider the legal/financial aspect of a relationship.

6. I have problems with make up when it's mandatory (even if just socially) and when it became a full face with 1719 steps that makes you look like another person. This is another thing that is going worse imho. I don't wear anything anymore (I work in IT from home, who cares) unless I picked the skin on my lips and I have to go somewhere, then I wear a lipstick .I'm also concerned with overconsumption and the impact of stuff like mica and glitter. Not to mention Sephora 10 year olds - they are going to ruin their skin. That being said I don't do crusades against women who do, as standards in my industry are very low (the crusty IT nerd stereotype exists for a reason) and I don't suffer any consequences from it - in fact I think that if I started wearing make up it would hurt my career. But in certain industries and such it's nearly mandatory, and I'm aware of that.

7. It's violence against women. And I have 0 respect for the women that promote this lifestyle to teen girls. That's grooming.

8. Pornography is also violence against women and children and an evil to be eradicated. That industry will never be ethical, there is just no way to make it ethical.

9. All religions have a big misogynistic component, and hijab is an expression of this misogyny.

10. Yes, but I do think there is a difference between dating a man, wearing make up and watching porn all day - one is hurting yourself, the other is hurting other women.

11. Gender is akin to the concept of soul to me. I don't believe in souls, I don't believe in god, I don't believe in gender. To me only bio sex is real.

12. I'm a socialist. I'm reasonably anti-capitalist, I try to reduce my consumption (I need to change my laptop because it's 8 years old for example, that's huge for a laptop that travelled back and forth with me), I vote accordingly. But I'm starting to invest a bit and I'll hire a housekeeper paid fairly as is something I need. I also donate a certain % of my paycheck (1 to 5%), and I'm a unionist. The problem I have with Tumblr anti-capitalists is that they give absolutely terrible advice. Not even disinformation, just absolutely abysmal advice that will cause people to end up exploited, poor or lose their jobs (like the "lie on your resume advice"). Taking life advice from people that never experienced said life is a generally bad idea. Or from people that never read a single line of theory, like 90% of commies.

13. Europe.

14. Domestic inequality is not talked about. I understand why, but it's a very big problem for the majority of women worldwide and mostly invisible outside the house. And financial education. I can't stress this enough. Learn how to manage money. You aren't as bad as Elon musk if you have some savings.

15. Most people are aware of my ideas, coworkers and managers included (90% male). Until you don't call it radical feminism or are in a "woke field", are involved with leftists circles no one cares. Most normies don't care. And in my country I can't be fired for my opinions unless I start to actively harass people.

Questions for radblr / terfblr —

1. How long have y’all been radical feminists?

2. What ‘radicalized’ you?

3. Do you consider yourself a terf?

4. Have you ever (or currently) identified as transgender?

5. What is your sexuality? If attracted to males, do you consider yourself a separatist or are you still open to being with males (or do you have a boyfriend/husband currently)?

6. What is your opinion on makeup? Do you still wear it?

7. What is your opinion on ‘sex work’? Have you ever done ‘sex work’?

8. What is your opinion on pornography? Did you ever watch it in the past?

9. What is your opinion on the hijab? Are you a muslim/ex muslim?

10. Do you still do some of the things you criticize? (Shaving, makeup, etc)

11. What is your opinion on Gender vs. Sex?

12. Are you anti-capitalist?

13. What country (or continent) are you from?

14. What is a topic you wished more radfems would talk about?

15. Does anyone in your life know you’re a radfem?

Feel free to skip a question if it makes you uncomfortable!

[sourbat]

i'm always always always curious about your magnus and toki dynamic because it seems so fleshed-out and lovingly considered. can you talk a bit about how you write their relationship? :D and what is the appeal of them specifically that made you ship it and start writing it?

Oh, wow. There is just now way I’ll be able to answer this to the extent i want, but I’ll give you a brief intro???

I’ll be working backwards with this one. 

what is the appeal of them specifically that made you ship it and start writing it?

Specifically? I really like that they’re more a reflection of one another, with Magnus being a massive “warning/”what if?”” for Toki, if he was denied the same opportunities for love and/or success, kicked out of the band, etc.. They share a lot of similarities, both good and bad, so there’s also a potential “invest now and guarantee a better tomorrow” that both men, to some extent, are aware of. The fact that Toki is also objectively far from perfect also helps. I know with some ships, it’s not always clear that both characters have problems, and I know there are ships where it’s mainly one person helping the other. I think for this ship, it’s not about redeeming one character here, it’s about two characters trying to get past various obstacles and becoming better for it. To continue that reflecting theme, everything that Toki does for Magnus can be returned later, ranging from Magnus eventually taking care of Toki post G2, and even bringing Toki back to life.  It’s the fact that they’re one in the same, it makes it so interesting and fun to write! 

I know, with the basic power dynamic within the canon universe, not to mention established characteristics clearly stated in the show, it means that a lot of the burden is going to be on Toki using his resources to help Magnus first. I kinda dig it. Give power of (emotional/mental) healing to Toki, and make the god of death a savior. Personally, there’s a lot of really nice, untapped worship material here that I definitely want to explore. Or, you can. I definitely wouldn't mind. 

i'm always always always curious about your magnus and toki dynamic because it seems so fleshed-out and lovingly considered. can you talk a bit about how you write their relationship?

Thank you!! Well, this is going to be long, but I’ll try to keep it...kinda shortish? (In order at the very least.) 

To begin, I know someone who does live with mental illness, and over the course of our six year friendship, have experienced a lot of ups and downs. But we’ve been friends for six years, and looking at it as a whole, it’s crazy to see how much they’ve improved compared to when they first emailed me a billion years ago. But things weren’t always as good as they are now, and these things took time to get to that point. A lot of the things Toki’s said to Magnus aren’t too far from some of the things I’ve suggested to them, and some of the really messed up things Magnus has thought or said regarding himself, his mood swings, shifting attitude towards Toki, that’s all based on real moments, feelings and arguments. 

I think we agreed there were stages to this relationship, and mine are pretty much based on a combination of what I experienced, plus what I realistically think these two would go through. Since everything is, to some extent, planned out, and because I have a somewhat visible end goal in sight (already hinted at in other fics), it makes writing the harder parts leading up to it easier, and makes pulling memories and old emotions all the more fruitful. 

So there are four stages in their relationship, and when I write I try to figure where it's taking place. I’m not going into the nitty gritty, but if you want more I can elaborate. They are the following: 

Codependent stage: I legitimately think the first stage would be a codependent one. At this stage, Magnus cannot refuse Toki’s attention. It’s partly out of guilt, partly because Toki’s one of the few constants in his life, one of the few people providing him attention and with his illness, it’s some he craves. He wants attention without having to expose himself too much, and Toki’s providing just that. In turn, Toki receives validation and attention, something we know he wants from others. Neither want to talk about DR because they’re scared, and they both secretly hope the other will do it for him, but also dread it. Magnus is afraid that once the talk happens, things will “move on,” and he loses Toki, and Toki’s afraid he’ll fear Magnus again, and that everything everyone said about him is true. 

Communicative 1: The second stage really is just about communication, but it’s also the longest stage, which is why I break it into two. It’s  Magnus and Toki coming to terms with what happened, taking their time out of fear of what will come next, and facing that cathartic, but frightening sense of relief when they realize they don’t hate one another, and that are still bearings to their relationship. Toki now has evidence Magnus feels bad and cares about him, likes him for the joy it brings in his life, so there’s more incentive to return, even if it means asking more questions and getting painful answers. And Magnus now knows Toki will not leave him (for now), and starts to open up more, starting with things he thinks will continue keeping Toki around, then eventually moving on to other personal aspects of his life. 

Communicative 2: Magnus starts picking up slack, and Toki can start easing back with bearing the emotional/mental burdens. Magnus begins to share personal information he normally wouldn't, and Toki starts to feel more confident as his hard work starts to take form in Magnus being kinder, trying to stick with a plan regarding his mental health, creating goals and listening to Toki’s advice. Towards the later end, Magnus starts picking up on Toki’s issues more, and begins asking about them and slowly adjusting to avoid those triggers (Toki’s an alcoholic, has Panic Disorder and suffers from Depression). Eventually, guilt ceases to be the reason they’re together. 

Equilibrium: Magnus is regularly taking care of himself without needing to be reminded, and is now looking after Toki. Magnus CAN take care of Toki when needed, and can successfully put his own thoughts aside to help another person. Post G2 Magnus repays Toki back and basically takes care of him in the similar manner Toki did before. At various times during this stage Magnus believes Toki will never leave him, but considering his age chances are the doubt  will never vanish, only subdued when it arises. Toki eventually heals from some of his past traumas, beats depression, but still struggles with nightmares and panic attacks, though they are few and far between. They take care of each other.

[low-budget-korra]

Lets talk about Korra

Today I will speak of her, which in my opinion is one of the greatest characters everr : Avatar Korra.

 At first we see a 17 year old girl who probably had her first contact with a lot of things. First contact with a big city, first crush, first handful of responsibilities, first threat...

It is worth mentioning that since day one, Korra has embraced the role of Avatar with all strength and love. She felt proud of her position and willing to do her job as the Avatar

(look at this precious little thing)

Remember that she spent her entire life locked in a training center, without contact with the rest of the world, so her knowledge of everything beyond the gates where she lived was new.

Right in the beginning  we see her dealing with some Equalists Protestants, which she does not take seriously. And only when she witnesses the power of the leader of this movement, she begins to take the threat very seriously and also, to fear this man more than everything in her life until then.

What does Amon represents for Korra?

I think this question can be easily answered by Korra's simple argument of love being the Avatar. And at least in the beginning of the book one they hinted that her life was just about that, Being the Avatar.

We are not introduced to any friends of Korra, except for Naga, or past boyfriend / girlfriend. Nothing. We only know that this girl is the Avatar. And I would not be surprised if that was the only way she saw herself.

Maybe that's why fight in pro-bending was so important. Not only as a means of socialization, after all it was thanks to the pro-bending that she met her friends, but also as a training and more important, search for identity. I think part of the journey of Korra in the first two books is a lot about that: search for identity.

Then, answering the question, Amon is the only person who can destroy that image, which can destroy Korra. He can destroy it without even needing to kill it. And that's exactly what he does.

In episode 4, we have, in my opinion, the darkest episode of the entire Avatar series. To be honest, I'm sure that if TLOK were a live action series for example, we may have a scene of sexual assault or an explicit threat of this there , because of the power struggle there between those two characters, no, power abyss and the way Amon touch her, her face, without her consent . Some people felt some kind of sexual tension there, no wonder there are people who shiped Amorra (Korra and Amon) back in the day.

That scene is powerful because Amon did not have to sexually touch Korra to violate her. At least, this whole situation served for her to open up with Tenzin over her fears and consequently learn how to deal with them, because I'm sure Korra did not get over what happened there so fast.

Still about Power Dispute we have another character who exemplifies this: Tarrlok. Tarrlok is a rising politician who uses  Korra as a pawn in his goal to seize the power of Republic City. Amon also uses the same trick, after all, the moment he defeats the Avatar, the city would be his.

So we have this young woman who will stop right in the middle of a political power dispute.

Tarrlok also serves as a comparative. While Amon wants to dominate and destroy the avatar figure, not caring about who she is, Tarrlok wants to dominate and use Korra. And this makes me think that, that metal box was made exclusively for her. Like if that shit was for Amon, he didnt know Amon was a bender so an simples cell would be good. I think Tarrlok knew that Korra may ruin his plans so he had that as his plan B.

In the end Korra lost the physical battle but won the ethical battle against both. But at what price? Amon was able to remove the bends of the Avatar. And without them, how could she be the Avatar?

I also strongly believe that one of the final scenes of the season, when Korra is facing a cliff, I believe she might be thinking about taking her life. After all, everything she was, everything she'd trained so hard for, had been destroyed in minutes.

She, with the help of Aang and the other avatars, recovered her bends and with the help of everyone, including her then boyfriend Mako, she "moved on."

In the next one, I used to hate the first half of book 2, but then I came to see with different eyes.

In that first half, Korra is unbearable. Everything she learned in Book 1 how to be more mature, less spoiled and all, was thrown in the trash and she was the same "child" of the book one only worse.

Until I stopped and realized that I was also unbearable and childish like this when I had my bad phases of anxiety and depression, as defense mechanism and keep people away. Returning to Korra, and if this way of acting of her was nothing more than this defense mechanism?

Whether or not she was betrayed by her own Uncle. Imagine, shortly after having your life turned upside down, when you are recovering, trying to recover your image as Avatar and suddenly your own uncle betrays you? Yeah.

"Oh, but she should not have stayed on his side against her father"

Yes, but remember that our, still young avatar, has fallen into the trap of believing and trusting someone just because that person says everything she want it to hear.

In the end, Korra again goes through a traumatic moment when she has her connection with past lives destroyed. We see how it affected her when she apologizes to Tenzin, through tears. And Tenzin, as the excellent master he is, tries to motivate her to face Vaatu again (now merged with Unalaq, her uncle) and so she is able to beat him and secure another 10 thousand years of Light to the world.

In the final moments, we see the (somewhat innocent) decision to reconnect the world of spirits and the world of men. And we also see Korra and Mako permanently end their turbulent relationship, which I will speak more ahead.

Book 3 begins in a more mature, we see all the characters being presented in a more mature way and it seems that Korra, now, has overcome everything that has passed. We have the relationship between Korra and Asami deepening as well, and I will also comment further on.

In Book 3, called "Change" we have a great sacrifice from Korra. Her life goes down a notch when she decides to save the new airbenders from Zaheer and the Red Lotus, the strongest villain she's ever faced.

Zaheer, unlike the other villains, who had not explicitly intended to kill Korra, had as goal just to kill the Avatar. And he almost succeeded.

Not only that, Korra was physically and psychologically defeated. She won the battle but not the war, we can say so.

So book 4 begins and we only come across Korra in the final minutes and she is unrecognizable. We see that, once proud and courageous avatar, in someone depressed and cowed.

I think it's visible that Korra is afraid of being the Avatar again, Toph even tells her that  during the season. And I think it's totally plausible.

Korra's fight against PTSD is one of the most honest and realistic things I've ever seen. Do you think that after a violent battle and almost die, even winning in the end, the hero returns home and everything is okay? I think not.

Not only what happened in the end of book 3 , but i believe that she also has having flashs or thoughts about all her fights and all the traumatic shit that she passed 

Another thing I think is worth quoting is that Korra took 3 years to feel safer and re-embrace her duties as Avatar. It was not 3 weeks or 3 months, it was 3 years. And anyone who suffers from some mental illness knows very well the stigma that is, the fight that is, because everyone wants you to be well in 6 months when the truth is that many times you spend years fighting against this. And this is a pressure that falls on you.

Imagine, seeing all your friends moving forward while you continue "stock in the same place"?

Only after Korra confronts Zaheer, I think that was a way to show her coping with the trauma, she improves to the point of returning to be the great Avatar we know. The once "monster Zaheer" who almost kill her now is some dude in chains who fail at his plans and created an big problem and needed Korra to solve it

One of the quotes that struck with me most was in that filler episode thats a summary of all what happened in the show , and in the part narrated by Korra she says "I was so naive" and the way Janet delivered that line..., with some pain and I know the sadness but at the same time, stronger and more mature ... I think it means a lot.

here in tumblr I think, I saw a phrase that until today marks me that is :

 "The Last Airbender is a story of a boy who becomes a god. The Legend of Korra is the story of a goddess who becomes a girl "

This is strong!

And I get very angry when someone comes to downgrade my baby Korra because she is such an incredible heroine and her journey is also incredible.

The story of how life can be hard and unfair, how it can hurt and paralyze, but there is always a reason to move on. We should always move on.

Korra is definitely not weak, quite the opposite, she is one of the if not the strongest heroine I have ever seen. Korra inspires overcoming.

Now l will let to talk about the relationships tomorrow. I promise 

[alphawave-writes]

DPD chapter 25- Annuit cœptis: part 2

Richard sees Gavin's dad naked and learns Gavin's embarrassing secret childhood. The investigation into Philip lead to a shocking reveal about the true murderer. You guys can find this fic on AO3 and FF.NET

RA9 was an elusive murderer, but with a highly specific motive to go on, it felt like they were finally gaining traction. After Gavin spent the night ruminating about the events surrounding Arthur's suicide, he was able to come up with a new list of suspects. Fortunately, it was a small list of people, almost all of which were stationed in Detroit. Unfortunately however, getting in contact with these people and crossing them off the list was a much harder job than either Richard or Gavin anticipated. The prime suspects were Percy Conrad and Philip Seymour but the closure of CyberLife and their subsequent dismissal from the company made finding them difficult. The only other suspects on the list—an NX700 by the name of Rachel and Gavin's father, Wilson Reed—were at opposite ends of the city and required the pair to split up.

The odds were against them: a vicious time limit, the scrutiny of the world, and Gavin's own tragic past loomed with vicious snarling teeth, a three-headed Cerberus that wouldn't let the pair escape hell without a fight.

Richard's one respite was that Gavin was motivated by a determination stronger than gravity itself. The source of this determination, Richard did not know if it was selfish or selfless, but he believed it was good for Gavin. The world had kicked Gavin until he was black and bruised but finally, finally he began to rise, began to fight. Gavin threw himself into his work, not because he wanted to avoid the pain of the recent and distant past but because of his desire to see justice done.

If Richard was honest, he was envious that Gavin could grow like that. The magical change from hot-headed brute to the brilliant rational detective was a sight to see. Richard didn't know if he was capable of such change as an android. At the very least, he will try and match the detective's fervor. He too wanted to see RA9 taken behind bars.

"Are you sure you should meet my dad?"

Richard watched Gavin sipped his coffee loudly as he quickly browsed through the files Connor had sent minutes ago. Perkins was looking into Percy Conrad and Philip Seymour as well and was going to interview them. Connor promised to update them both as soon as possible. Gavin set the tablet down on the kitchen table and stretched his arms behind his back.

"It will be fine," Richard said.

"You sure?" Gavin yawned, creating a few tears to wipe away the crust in his eyes. His hair was sticking in weird ways and he was in due need for a shave but Richard couldn't help but stare at Gavin's scar-riddled chest. He suppressed a smile. Despite himself, he was a little bit proud for being the cause of Gavin's sleepy state this morning.

"You said you wanted to interview the NX700, Rachel."

"If I interview my dad, I'm gonna get complaints about being biased again. The media's already got themselves in a nip twist by the fact I'm still working on the case, and once they hear my dad's a suspect, I'm never gonna hear the end of it." Gavin took a big gulp of his coffee. When he set the mug down, his lips were pressed into a line. "Also, er…I might've…told my dad about us."

Richard blinked once. Just once. "Should I be worried?"

"Fuck no, my dad's fine with the whole android thing, and he knows I'm gay. I'm just saying, er…fuck, how do I say this…he's got a special way of welcoming people."

"Does he not like me?" Richard narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Are you not close to him?"

"Dad calls me up every now and then but we haven't met in a while. As for the first question—" Gavin chugged the rest of his coffee, wiping the beads from his lips with his forearm, "—you're gonna find out later today."

And indeed Richard did indeed find out when he came to the address of a reasonably posh house in Grosse Pointe. Rows of vintage houses with perfectly manicured gardens and snobby old men and women who looked down upon him greeted him once he stepped out of the taxi, though Richard wasn't sure if it was because he was an android or because he arrived in a taxi.

He approached the house of Gavin's father, almost a perfect mirror image to its neighbours were it not for the curious interior that Richard caught sight of through slitted curtains. He rung the doorbell. After a few seconds, a gruff voice rung out over the intercom.

"Who is it?" They rasped.

"My name is Richard. I'm an RK900 android from the DPD, and I need to talk to you about an ongoing investigation."

He heard the grumbles of displeasure.

Richard let out a sigh before adding, "I'm…also Gavin's boyfriend?"

The intercom shut off. Richard was thinking that he might be refused but with his hearing he could hear the faint noise of bare feet shuffling down the stairs. He waited with bated breath as the door creaked open.

And a completely naked old man revealed himself, leveling a pump shotgun right into Richard's chest. A quick scan confirmed that it was definitely Wilson Reed, Gavin's father. A cursory glance downward revealed that the apple didn't fall from the tree in terms of the size of certain bodily parts. Richard didn't know how to feel about this new piece of information.

"So," a sly smile crept up Wilson Reed's cheeks, "you're the one dating my son?"

Richard willed himself to stay calm even as his LED threatened to flash yellow. He had been expecting Gavin's father to be eccentric. He couldn't show he was scared. "Yes," he said. "We are dating."

Wilson Reed glanced up and down Richard's body, as if appraising him. He looked into Richard's eyes, which was difficult, because he was well over a head shorter than Richard. His eyes narrowed. "Living together?"

Richard nodded. "For a few months."

"You two done it together?"

Richard's cheeks flushed. "Yes," he quietly admitted, still keeping his hands up.

"Is that so…" Seemingly satisfied with the answer, Wilson Reed put the shotgun away behind the front door, ushering Richard in. Richard quickly lowered his arms and looked around the neighbourhood, seeing a couple people purposely avoiding eye contact with him, before entering.

It's a stylish yet cosy mansion inside. It's not as perfect as the exterior of the house was but it was built for comfort, with comfy leather sofas and rustic timber tables sat side by side modern IKEA-style shelves stacked full of DVDs and the single largest TV screen Richard had ever seen outside of a billboard advertisement. He turned his head and saw Wilson Reed struggling to put his pants on near the staircase. Out of respect for the man who was seconds ago wielding a shotgun, Richard stood where he was by the door, waiting patiently until Wilson Reed was equipped with pants.

Wilson Reed turned back to Richard with a gentle smile. It suited his rosy cheeks and plump face, but it didn't suit his potentially homicidal tendencies. One hand holding up his slack trousers, he gestured for Richard to follow him and the android silently obliged, going through many short corridors until he found himself in a small study. On the table were a variety of tablets with different police reports about Gavin and a few magazines. Wilson Reed reached for one of the magazines and threw them in Richard's direction. Richard caught it and read the front cover. An LGBTQ magazine held a picture of him and Gavin staring with haunted eyes into the cameras shortly after 42's suicide. The tagline was not much better: All you need to know about Detroit's gay homoandro powercouple.

Wilson Reed grabbed an old polo shirt from the chair and slung it on. "You didn't get scared earlier."

It took Richard longer than he'd like to get what Wilson Reed was saying. He lowered the magazine slightly. "A little bit. More about your nudity than the shotgun."

"You weren't scared of the shotgun?" Richard shook his head. "Why?"

"You didn't take the safety off," Richard pointed out.

Wilson Reed snorted. "Fuck, you noticed. I was hoping you wouldn't." His eyes followed Richard's gaze to the magazine and his lips pull up into a smile. "Of all of the stuff I'd have thought Gawain would be in, I didn't think a gay magazine would be one of them."

"Gawain?" Richard asked.

"That's his name."

"Gawain?!" Richard repeated.

"Blame his mother. She wanted a Knights of the Round Table theme for her kids. Had she gone through with the third pregnancy, he'd have a younger brother called Bedivere."

Richard cringed. "That's a horrible name for a child." Considering the names he initially considered for himself before settling on Richard, that might've been hypocritical for him to say.

"I know, right?" Wilson took the tablet from Richard's hands and stared at the photo. He sighed sentimentally. "Always knew Gawain would be a lawman. You know he legally changed his name to Gavin when he was still in high school? That's when I knew he was gonna be a law man."

It's fascinating learning about Gavin's childhood, and Richard was sure to tease him about it the next time they meet, but there were more pressing issues. For all he knew Wilson Reed was purposely trying to distract him. "Mr. Reed, I must ask you about your whereabouts on the mornings of the 12th, 13th and 14th."

Wilson's eyebrows furrowed. "Why?"

Richard frowned, mentally deliberating on whether to tell Gavin's father, but the man was astute, catching the meaning behind Richard's hesitation. Wilson Reed sat down in his chair, dazed.

"No…"

"We believe the killer is motivated to bring justice to those they believe meant ill will for Arthur." Richard paused. "Few know the nature of Arthur's death. You are one of them. That gives you motive."

"I didn't kill anyone. The gun's for show, look, I'll even show you, it's actually a lighter if you just flick this switch and—"

"Mr. Reed," Richard said forcefully.

For a second Wilson stared incredulously into Richard's eyes but the weight of the situation finally hit him in the stomach and it sent him reeling. He stared dejectedly between his knees for a few seconds, a million emotions flashing before him, before swiveling his chair to the desk. He moved aside books and tablets to grab a dust-covered photo at the edge of his desk. It's an old photo of Gavin after graduating from the police academy. He was grinning into the camera, holding his mother in a one-armed hug beside him. Richard saw this photo before. Gavin had a better quality copy on his bedside table.

He watched as Wilson took the back off of the photo frame, pulling the photo out. Wilson stared at it, his eyes cloudy with a melancholy Richard couldn't even begin to comprehend. After a few seconds, he handed it to Richard.

"Why are you giving me this?"

"I've been at home all week. Haven't really gone out anywhere or seen anybody so I don't got an alibi to give you—" He tapped the photo, "—but I hope this might make up for a lack of alibi."

With Wilson's prompting, Richard flipped the photo to the other side to find a message written in fine pen.

If any hot guy says 'fuck the police', I'm obliged to show them this picture and give them your number. Sorry, don't make the rules, it's not my fault I got the coolest bro in the world. (Mom, if you're reading this, you also look nice btw).

Love and kisses and all that gay shit,

Arthur

Richard couldn't help but smile. He wasn't sure if the copy Gavin had held this message or not so just in case, he took a snapshot and saved it into his memory. He handed the photo back to Wilson, who carefully put the photo back into its frame and returned it to its designated spot on the desk.

"Those two were thick as thieves," Wilson explained. "You know why Arthur wrote that message? Because he couldn't make it to the graduation. And you know what was the first thing Gawain said when they finally saw each other one week later? 'Don't worry about it'. That's it. Wouldn't accept Arthur's apology because he said there was nothing to forgive."

"It's a touching story, but how does this help me?"

"If your killer knows all about Arthur, they'll know all about Gawain too. And if they know all about Gawain…"

"They'll be one step ahead of us," Richard finished.

"Yeah…" Wilson uttered. "Hate to say it, but maybe my son shouldn't get so involved."

There was a beat of silence where nothing could be heard but the faint fumble of cars driving down the street outside. In that moment Richard thought of Gavin and his actions during the case, the things he said when it was just the two of them, the abrupt confession of love the other day that never failed to leave Richard smiling.

"You're wrong," he said. "The killer is wrong too." Richard gazed meaningfully into Wilson's eyes. "Gavin has changed."

Wilson scoffed with humour. "I'm not surprised, if he's dating an android of all things."

"It's not just that. Gavin is the most unpredictable man I know, and I say that as a good thing. Plenty of expectations are leveled over him and yet he constantly defies them. When everyone expects him to lash out, he keeps a level head. When the world expects him to act stupidly, he thinks rationally. I highly doubt that the killer truly knows Gavin because he's impossible to define. In the context of this case, in light of what the killer may know about us, that might be Gavin's greatest strength." Richard crossed his arms. "Gavin has truly changed, and for the better, I think."

Wilson's reaction was delayed, taking him a fraction of a second to consider Richard's words, but when they do register, his lips curl upward into a sweet, almost gentle smile. It's a smile Richard was familiar with, because Gavin would occasionally make those sweet smiles for him, usually in the comfort of his apartment, alone with each other.

"You and my son are serious, huh?"

Richard smiled bashfully. "Saving each other's lives multiple times tends to do that to a couple."

"But do you love him?" Wilson asked, leaning forward in his chair slightly as he steepled his fingertips.

"I do love Gavin," Richard said, surprised by the ease in which the words spilled out of his synthetic lips. He quickly collected himself, hoping Wilson did not notice the flash of yellow on his right temple. "I hope I have your blessing."

Wilson smirked. "I only just met you. Like all the other boys Gawain brought home, you gotta earn my blessing."

Considering this was Gavin's father, the man who leveled a shotgun naked at him mere minutes ago, Richard suspected earning his respect was going to be something ridiculous. Not that that would stop him. He'd do almost anything for Gavin. "What do I have to do?" He asked.

"You wanna earn my blessing? Catch the motherfucker who thinks he can toy with my son, and make him rot in jail."

Richard smiled wickedly. That was something he would gladly do.

After finally leaving Wilson Reed's house (but not before Wilson revealed more childhood stories about Gavin), Richard was en route to Philip Seymour's address. Along the drive, it's Connor who updated him on new information on the case. Perkins had found and interviewed Percy Conrad, who in turn revealed Philip Seymour's address. Once it was revealed he was a suspect in the murders, he practically threw Philip under the bus, citing an incident Philip masterminded that led to their simultaneous dismissal from CyberLife and their subsequent hiding from RA9. Connor claimed that Percy Conrad was vague in describing the inciting incident, but insisted that it was quite bad. Connor gave him and Gavin Philip Seymour's address.

"I bought you some time, but I will have to report this to Perkins in half an hour," Connor said through the mental uplink.

"It's fine, Connor. Half an hour is more than enough. ETA 3 minutes to Philip Seymour's address."

"I'll continue my research into him, try and figure out how exactly he got fired. At the moment, however, it seems like he is our primary suspect."

Richard pursed his lips. "Even though he's a human?"

"I'm…still working on my theory on how." The sound of a forced chuckle could be heard through the connection before they disconnected. The taxi stopped in front of Philip Seymour's place. A few blocks away, Richard could see Gavin sitting in his civilian car. As he got out, so too did Gavin. Richard walked over to Gavin and broke out into a grin. Something about seeing the man he loved just made him feel better somehow.

Gavin leaned onto the car. "My dad didn't give you too much crap, did he?"

Richard went around to the trunk of Gavin's car, retrieving a briefcase. "He tried to shoot me with a shotgun naked."

"Huh. He must like you," Gavin murmured.

Richard shut the trunk and turned to Gavin. "How is threatening me with a shotgun a good thing?"

"If he didn't like you, he'd have brought out the shovel too," Gavin said casually.

Richard recalled seeing a shovel right next to where the shotgun was kept. He suppressed a shiver as he followed Gavin to the front steps of the house.

Gavin pointed at the briefcase. "Gonna tell me what's in that case?"

"My new back-up plan. If one of us ever needs to make an escape, I can camouflage myself as you." Richard opened the briefcase slightly to reveal a bunch of folded up clothes, including a perfect replica of Gavin's trademark red hoodie.

Gavin rolled his eyes, smiling. "No offense, but that's not going to work. You're way taller than me. There's no way you can mimic me."

Richard was glad Gavin had responded in that way, because now he could prove him wrong. He turned to Gavin and transformed slowly, letting the skin shift and morph until his face and skin was an almost perfect representation of Gavin. He cleared his throat in an obnoxiously loud manner and, in a perfect echo of Gavin's voice, said, "My name is Gavin Reed, and I love cock. I love it so fucking much because it helps me compensate for my tiny dick—"

"OK, I get it—"

"—because my dick, which is tiny, has been compared by many to look like a baby's pacifier."

"—What the fuck, Richard, stop. Seriously." Gavin playfully slapped at Richard's arm. The camouflage melted away shortly afterwards. An incredulous chuckle bubbled from Gavin's throat. "Y-You absolute dick."

"Still think I can't camouflage as you?"

Gavin snorted. "We both know my dick is not tiny."

"I know," Richard grinned, "but mine's bigger, Gawain."

Before Gavin could even splutter a retort, Richard rung the doorbell, effectively silencing the man.

Instead of an older human opening the door as Richard expected, an android was the one standing in the doorway. They smiled politely, the expression only reaching their lips and not their eyes. Their LED was gone, removed some time ago, but if it was still there, Richard would think it would perpetually shine blue.

"May I help your gentlemen?" The android asked.

Gavin wasted no time flashing his badge. "We're here to see Philip Seymour."

"Of course, right this way." The android sidestepped so they may enter. Gavin entered first, with Richard trailing behind, taking in the strange expression on the android.

The android led them to a sitting room filled with a variety of different good luck charms. Gavin was asking meaningless questions to the android and it's then that Richard saw the first crackles of emotion on their expressionless face, that emotion being surprise. Richard did not pay attention to what Gavin was saying, for Richard already knew what the purpose of the conversation was, and that was to distract the android while he scanned the area undisturbed. Richard scanned the bookcase that was filled to the brim of books on astrology and pseudo-sciences, the kitchen in the next room that looked like it had never been used, and finally the android that was in the room with them. It's a typical HK400 model but even from a preliminary glance, there was something strange about the android in front of him. What specifically was so strange about it, Richard could not yet figure out.

Richard retracted the skin on his hand, ready to extract more information from the HK400 while it was still distracted by Gavin when he heard the sound of heavy footsteps on the wooden floors. Flesh had returned just as a chubby man in his 40s slowly walked in, accompanied by another android. Philip Seymour's profile appeared in Richard's periphery. The only thing of interest in the profile was that he was extremely near-sighted, but the man wasn't wearing his glasses. He might as well be blind as a bat at the moment.

"You're that famous detective on the TV," Philip drawled, gesturing vaguely for them to sit on his leather seats. "You must be here about those awful murders."

Gavin crossed his arms instinctively, making no move to sit down. "We are," he said, already wary of Philip.

Everything in Richard's body and mind was screaming that Philip was danger incarnate, but for the life of him he could not figure out why that was his initial response. The answers were locked away in the recesses of his mind, and Richard did not yet have the key.

The HK400 slinked away while the other android, a PL700 from Richard's analysis, came from behind to offer Gavin a drink from a tray. The detective shook his head. The PL700 retreated. The corners of Philip's lips inch downward for a microsecond before returning to a placid smile.

"What brings you here then?" Philip asked.

"You've heard about the RA9 murders, right?"

Philip Seymour's eyes narrowed. "You're not suggesting I am involved, are you?"

"Of course not," Richard lied, not missing a single beat. "We are merely addressing security threats to the most probable targets, which unfortunately includes you. This will mean officers will be assigned to your care indefinitely."

Philip's eyes widen in shock and his stress levels jump. He clicked his fingers impatiently to his side, prompting the PL700 to quickly retrieve a pair of glasses from his pocket. Philip quickly slid them on and stared intently at Richard. His eyes focused on the scar on Richard's cheek.

"…What was your name again?" Philip asked cautiously.

"Richard," he said slowly. The grip on the briefcase was tight.

Philip nodded in acceptance, but the crease in his brows remained. He turned to Gavin. "You don't have any suspects?"

"Our primary purpose is the protection of the city and its people," Gavin said, probably quoting some old handbook for cops. "We are looking into the murderer, but it is equally important that potential key targets are protected."

Philip nodded stiffly, flicking his wrist in the direction of the PL700. They quickly grab a bottle of bourbon on the lone table and poured a glass, handing it to Philip. He takes a big gulp, not even bothering to savour the flavor and makes a show of disgust as it burned his throat. By his side, the PL700 stood motionless, a servant at the beck and call of his master.

"We need to take a look around your house," Gavin continued. "For security reasons."

Richard glanced at Gavin who was already staring pointedly in his direction. I'll distract him, you go dig up some dirt the detective's eyes said. Richard nodded microscopically.

"Very well," Philip sighed, unable to hide the grumble of anger in his voice. He and the PL700 lead Gavin through the house, leaving Richard alone with the HK400. Richard waited as Gavin is lead through the ground floor and up the stairs, their footsteps going softer and softer until they could be heard no more.

He did not waste the opportunity he was given. He snooped through the ground floor, searching the kitchen, the downstairs bathroom, the dining room, searching for the evidence of fowl play he knew was here somewhere. In opening a door to what he thought was a supply closet, Richard instead encountered a narrow staircase descending into darkness. The basement, his mind supplied, but he didn't need to enter to know that there was nothing of interest. Just a beat-up old car that hadn't seen the light in well over a few years, and a workbench covered in thirium packets. Withholding a sigh, Richard closed the door.

"May I help you?" The HK400 asked.

His eyes widen, the only indicator of his surprise aside from his yellow LED. Richard quickly put on a fake smile, "I'm fine," he said, when he noticed something off. A theory that sprang into mind, one that explained the strange behavior of the android in front of him.

Ignorant of this, the HK400 remained smiling.

"You're…not deviant," Richard said.

"That is correct, I am not," the HK400 stated. "I am a household android tasked with taking care of my owner, Philip Seymour."

Richard couldn't recall meeting an android that had yet been touched by the gift of deviancy. Unconsciously the skin on his hand retracted, and he briefly wondered whether he should liberate this android like Connor had done so before him. Richard knew roughly how to do it, and it might provide him some answers, but then he recalled his own discovery of deviancy, how it took Gavin's help to feel a sense of control. He recalled Regina and how she lashed out after deviancy.

Maybe another time, he thought as he grasped the HK400 by the wrist. Investigation first.

Richard held onto the HK400's wrist for less than three seconds, before he violently retracted his hand, his LED flashing red. In those precious few seconds, Richard saw almost a year's worth of incriminating footage, saw the obsession, the writing on the walls. Worst yet was this feeling that bubbled within him, the knowledge that he had scraped the surface of something much more sinister than a few murders. In those three seconds, he'd opened Pandora's box and saw the wicked, twisted truth and the sins it represented.

He staggered back, the systems keeping his posture temporarily malfunctioning. The HK400 smiled woodenly. There was no emotion in its eyes, not even as Richard reached for the emergency panel and shut the android down manually.

Quickly and quietly, Richard hurried up the stairs, trying to find Gavin. All the doors were closed except for one, which was slightly ajar. Richard peered through as his mind desperately tried to conjure a way to get both him and Gavin out of his wretched house alive and uninjured. The narrow possibilities began to ring through his head when suddenly the uplink is forced open, and he heard the shrill panic of Connor's voice.

"Nines! Get out of there!"

"Connor, I know. I don't have time for this," Richard said hurriedly through the uplink, not even bothering to hide his terror.

"Philip Seymour was fired from CyberLife for stealing androids and reprogramming them."

"What? Reprogram?"

"I don't know how exactly, but I don't want to find out. You need to get out of there now!"

Richard knew Philip Seymour had to be involved in the murders, he had to be. All the evidence was stacking up against him, but there was no way he could have physically have done it. He was too short and too slow, and everything else had pointed to a singular android culprit. He was clearly the mastermind, but who was the pitiful android he had ensnared for this purpose? Who?

The sound of a body crumpling to the ground took Richard back to reality. He leaned closer to the gap in the door in time to see Philip glaring down at Gavin's body. It's then that he saw it on the wall behind Philip, the final piece of the puzzle, the identity of the culprit.

"No…no," Richard mouthed, as he attempted to scurry away. He still had the Gavin disguise in his briefcase. He could find a bathroom to change, wake Gavin up, and switch places before they know the difference. It's the only way to ensure Gavin's survival. He whipped his head around, only to find the PL700 stare emotionlessly at him. Richard glanced downwards far too late, the crackle of electricity from the taser seizing his body in jittery spasms. His systems overload one by one, fireworks exploding within his plastic body. He collapsed on the ground and closed his eyes.

Richard found himself in the one place he never wished to see again: the graphical interface he had once dubbed 'the forest'. A swell of panic rose as he saw what he thought to be Regina, his tormentor, but the genuine fear she showed him was all that he needed to know that this was another entity altogether. An entity that merely shared Regina's face and body. An entity purposely designed to only appear in times of stress when he's found conflicting data. A stress ball made corporeal in an imaginary world.

"Morpheus," Richard gasped.

The look on Morpheus was not calm like when they first met. Instead it was harrowed and haunted. "Richard," she said quietly.

"Please, let me out of here. I need to help Gavin. Let me wake up."

"If you awaken, the chance for self destruction is high."

"Please," Richard begged, "just for a few seconds. If not to save myself, then to make sure Gavin is OK." He tugged at her sleeve desperately. "Please…"

Morpheus looked down to her feet for a few seconds before nodding. Her hands move and a screen is projected in front of her. It's Richard's emergency feed, originally designed for human technicians to review his cases for any faults in his logic. There was no video but the sounds of a conversation could be heard.

"—really think we should reset it? It's too dangerous," Philip's muffled voice said.

Another voice chimed in, "It is merely an android, one that just so happens to be working on the case against us. If we reset it, we can raise it our own way. Control it. It will be instrumental in acting out our revenge."

Richard could feel the stress levels in him rise. It's a voice he was familiar with, but the way they spoke brought chills up his spine. What used to sound so full of life was now an empty shell, void of emotion.

"You think?" Philip paused. He didn't need visuals to hear the malicious smirk spread across his face. "Then let's do it. Set the machine up. We're resetting the RK900."

The video cut out and Richard stared wide-eyed, trying to stop his hammering heart from exploding within him. He collapsed on the ground, begging helplessly to wake up, to stand up and rescue Gavin. But Morpheus stood with a frown on her face, shaking her head. Tears flow uninterrupted from Richard's face as he pleaded and pleaded with Morpheus but she remained unmoving. She placed a single hand on his shoulder, the only bit of comfort the artificial construct could reproduce.

[understandingchaoss]

Do Not Tell Me I'm Skinny When My Eating Disorder Says Otherwise

“I’m going on a diet because I’ve gained way too much weight. But that isn’t something you have to worry about.” “You’re lucky you don’t have to go to the gym.” “You’re so lucky that you can eat whatever you want without getting fat.” “You’re so skinny and I don’t understand how.”

Those are some of those common ways I am indirectly told that people are “jealous” of the way that I look. I would be lying if I said hearing those kinds of things didn’t hurt my feelings. I struggle daily with an eating disorder and my appearance. I would bet money on the fact that most of the people reading this do not know I even have such a thing.

I have what is called anorexia nervosa binge eating-purging type. There are three different disorders in that one diagnosis, and most people know what each one means individually; but what about combined? 

The problem is that when most people picture what anorexia looks like, they picture a girl in the hospital, weighing less than 80 pounds who is on her death bed because she never eats. Most people picture binge eating as some overweight 50 year old woman, lying on her couch eating potato chips all day, while the working class pays for her to do so. Purging isn’t as commonly known, but for those who have heard of it, most picture it as a girl hurling her lunch into the toilet because she didn’t want to allow her body to retain its nutrients, after all, that would mean she would gain weight.

I have spent years fighting with the voice in my head that screams much too loud for my liking. My eating disorder is what I like to call my inner demon. It convinces me that I have gained too much weight and now have to pull out my “fat pants” because I went up a whole pant size after a bingeing episode. It convinces me that the only solution to losing any of that weight is to starve myself. The voice sounds horribly familiar. Maybe even my own? I’m never able to distinguish. Whatever and whoever it is, it brainwashes me into thinking I’m not good enough, and that I certainly don’t look good enough to the outside world. 

Before we go any further, I’m going to set a few things straight.

First of all, all of those stereotypes are all wrong. Second of all, science is a fascinating thing, so I’m going to throw in a little education session.

Any and all eating disorders can affect anyone of any age, size, and gender. Men, women, children, and the elderly can all battle eating disorders.

Anorexia nervosa - contrary to popular belief - is actually not the most common eating disorder in America. For some reason though, it is the most glorified. It does, however, have the highest mortality rate of any other eating disorder. If you were to google it, the direct definition is: a lack or loss of appetite for food. This is where most people like to do what’s called a self-diagnosis. Except following that definition, it states as a medical condition. A medical condition is a medical condition only by diagnosis done by a medical/mental health professional, not self-diagnosis (so if you believe you may be having symptoms, see a medical/mental health professional for evaluation). With anorexia, the body is denied the essential nutrients it needs in order to function properly. As a result, the body is forced to slow down all of its processes and conserve whatever energy it may have left. The “slowing down” state can have serious medical consequences such as:

Abnormally slow heart rate and low blood pressure, which mean that the heart muscle is changing. The risk for heart failure rises as heart rate and blood pressure levels sink lower and lower.

Reduction of bone density (osteoporosis), which results in dry, brittle bones.

Muscle loss and weakness.

Severe dehydration, which can result in kidney failure.

Fainting, fatigue, and overall weakness.

Dry hair and skin, hair loss is common.

Growth of a downy layer of hair called lanugo all over the body, including the face, in an effort to keep the body warm.

Just because someone has anorexia, does not mean that they will end up in treatment, will die from it, or will look like the typical stereotype. It is rare, but not completely unheard of for children under the age of 10 to develop anorexia. It can also be present in adults of any age, sometimes being present until the day that they die of natural causes unrelated to the eating disorder – if the eating disorder does not claim them first. 

The following symptoms must be present for a potential diagnosis.

Inadequate food intake leading to a weight that is clearly too low.

Intense fear of weight gain, obsession with weight and persistent behavior to prevent weight gain.

Self-esteem overly related to body image.

Inability to appreciate the severity of the situation.

Obsessive counting of calories/compulsive exercising (does not need to be present for diagnosis, but is very common in extreme/severe cases)

Binge eating is actually the most common eating disorder in America weighing in at 2.8% of all American’s. Binge eating directly translates to: the consumption of large quantities of food in a short period of time; recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food (often very quickly and to the point of discomfort); feelings of loss or control during the episode. Binge eating usually takes place as a way for an individual to use food as a way to cope with or block out feelings and emotions that they do not want to feel. Individuals can also use food as a way to numb themselves, to cope with daily life stressors, to provide comfort to themselves, or to fill a feeling of worthlessness they feel within. A person struggling with binge eating will typically have a depressive episode following the bingeing episode, which usually consists of having feelings of shame, distress, or guilt. The following symptoms must be present for a potential diagnosis:

Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount of food that is definitely larger than what most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances.

A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode (e.g., a feeling that one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating)

Marked distress regarding binge eating is present

The binge eating occurs, on average, at least once a week for 3 months

The binge eating is not associated with the recurrent use of inappropriate compensatory behaviors (e.g., purging) as in bulimia nervosa and does not occur exclusively during the course of bulimia nervosa or anorexia nervosa (I will address how my diagnosed eating disorder is possible with this as a symptom of binge eating shortly)

Binge eating episodes must have three or more of the following for a potential diagnosis:

Eating much more rapidly than normal.

Eating until feeling uncomfortably full.

Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry.

Eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating.

Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty afterward.

Purging type is most often associated with bulimia, because a form of purging is self-induced vomiting. However, purging can also consist of the sudden restriction of food, engaging in abuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas after a period of bingeing. An individual can have purging type without having bulimia.

How is anorexia nervosa binge eating-purging type even possible then? That was the question I kept asking when the therapist I was seeing during my four years of high school informed me that I fit the criteria. I did months’ worth of research. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of information available for such an eating disorder as it is classified under an Eating Disorder(s) Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS) because of the fact that there are only certain symptoms from each disorder’s criteria found in other eating disorders. This means that I might only have two symptoms from one disorder’s criteria, but four from another, and only one from another. EDNOS was designed for such cases. From what I could find, I learned that it is most commonly associated with trauma. My eating disorder started out as frequent binge eating. I remember wanting to literally eat everything in sight. I wanted anything that consisted of carbs, fats, and sugars. As a result, I gained an immense amount of weight in a very short period of time. At that time, I had always weighed between 120 pounds and 138 pounds. So when I suddenly gained enough weight to shoot me up into the 200s, I felt disgusting. I was mad at myself for gaining that much weight, and allowing it. I was mad at myself for using food as a way to cope. So instead of putting myself on a healthy diet, I just flat out stopped eating. Most days, all I would have was an apple when I woke up and a small meal for dinner. I did that only because I was on medications that required food intake before the dosage. My bingeing episodes would last for months at a time, and my purging episodes would last for months at a time, which is why the three are able to occur at different times, but still simultaneously exist in the same diagnosis. According to my previous therapist, this type of eating disorder is extremely harmful to the body. Of course, all eating disorders are. But she informed me that I was literally putting my body through shock and trauma. Just as my brain was in shock as a result of the trauma, I was doing the same exact thing to my body. Anorexia/purging can slow down your heart rate, lower your blood pressure, and lower your cholesterol; while binge eating can speed up your heart rate, raise your blood pressure, and raise your cholesterol. By alternating back and forth between the two very suddenly, the body can go into a state of shock. 

Now, why do I not want to be praised for the way that I look when I go through a period of purging?

Imagine that you suffer from a series of mental illnesses, but one in particular is the only one that can, possibly, directly kill you, and yet you are receiving praise for the very symptoms that are destroying your mind and body. I am literally being praised for destroying my body. I am being praised for restricting my food intake for one period of time, and eating much more than I should for another period of time. I am being praised for harming myself.

So yes, gaining weight is something I have to worry about. No, I am not lucky I don’t have to go to the gym because I’m basically destroying my mind and body while you’re doing it the right way. No, I am not lucky I can eat whatever I want without getting fat, because I can definitely gain more weight at a faster rate than most. I am skinny because of an eating disorder, that’s how. I do not recommend it.

The only reason the majority of people around me do not know that I have an eating disorder, is because most people who binge and then purge, do not look unhealthy or underweight. But believe me when I say that I know exactly when I’ve gained weight. I don’t even have to step on the scale. I know when I’ve gained even three pounds; because I can see it. My eating disorder warps my perception of myself in order to be convinced that I am much too fat and I need to lose some weight. I don’t go from 80 pounds to 200 pounds overnight, so most people don’t believe me when I say that I used to weigh over 200 pounds. However, if you put pictures side by side of my different weight fluctuations over different periods of time, you would most definitely be able to see a difference.

Contrary to popular belief, eating disorders are actually not a choice. They are complex illnesses with biological, psychological, and environmental causes. They are in fact classified as a mental illness. I know that no one forced this disorder upon me. So if no one did, what did? That voice inside my head tells me that I brought it upon myself. In fact, it screams at me that I’m to blame. But no one person or thing is to blame for my eating disorder, including myself. It is a combination of neurobiology, family of origin, social and societal environments, and trauma. Depression almost always goes hand in hand. When you have depression, you lack the psychological means to deal with life stressors. As a result, your brain seeks a way to find relief in any way that it can.

Years later, and I still struggle with my eating disorder. I still fluctuate in weight frequently. But I am not responsible for the onset of my eating disorder. But I am responsible for my recovery and freedom from it. I must forgive myself for developing the eating disorder. I must forgive my brain for not being able to cope with the stress of life and the trauma I have endured. My eating disorder is an outward manifestation of inward confusion, anxiety, and distress. In order to find freedom, I must first deal with what it was that caused that confusion, anxiety, and distress. It becomes difficult to do so when I am being praised for destroying myself. It causes more confusion and anxiety within my head, thus causing me distress and to take several steps backwards.

I did not choose my eating disorder. My eating disorder chose me. But I can choose recovery from it, and I can choose to find freedom from it. Do not praise me for my illness. Do not praise me for hurting myself. Do not praise me for expressing my confusion, anxiety, and distress in an unhealthy manner. In fact, I don’t want any praise at all, because in the end, the glory and praise isn’t given to me. But if you must praise me for my courage or strength, or whatever it is you’d like to praise me for, praise me for my choice of recovery and the courage and strength it took to make that decision. Because at the end of the day and at the end of the road of my battle with my eating disorder, my choice of recovery is the only choice that will ever matter.

If you or someone you know is struggle with an eating disorder - or you suspect that they may be struggling with one - and needs support right now, please contact the National Eating Disorders Association at 1-800-931-2237 or text NEDA to 741741 

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741