#i'm spiraling and i just want to cry/scream/die but i can't do any of this

[thescarletnargacuga]

LAST RESORT

A TIME CAPSULE AU CAINE SONGFIC

AU credit @mangotangerinepastry @the-amazing-digital-time-capsule

WARNING: HEAVY angst, depression, PTSD, suicidal thoughts, alcohol

~~~

Caine sat at the stage piano alone in the dark of the off hours. An empty liquor bottle slipped from his fingers, clinking to the ground. He drunkenly swayed, his fingers dancing over the keys. Oh how he had desired to play. The off key notes alone gave his soul freedom.

BUBLE harshly yanked on the red strings on Caine's fingers, punishing him for daring to touch the musical instrument. Caine didn't care. He felt nothing, physically or otherwise. He played on, finding his rhythm and losing himself in the music.

Cut my life into pieces

This is my last resort, suffocation, no breathing

Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Caine's mind wandered aimlessly amongst his memories. The life that was stolen from him was paved with the blood of enemy and innocence alike. Every decision he made led to loss and tragedy, and he's paid the price ten fold.

This is my last resort

Living was more of a punishment than death could ever be. He has to live with knowing what he's done. The body count could fill a trench. He just wanted to serve. He wanted to protect.

Cut my life into pieces

I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing

Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding

Do you even care if I die bleeding?

He could still hear it. The gunfire. The explosions. The screams. They lied.

Would it be wrong? Would it be right

If I took my life tonight? Chances are that I might

Mutilation out of sight, and I'm contemplating suicide

I'm contemplating suicide

The burning, blistering pain that seared his bones and melted his flesh. He couldn't breathe. But death did not want him.

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

The hospital. The lonely fear of being thrown away. The very pavement of the streets had more empathy.

I am fine

He lost his voice. He lost his identity. Seeking purpose, he worked harder than any other. He was useful.

I never realized I was spread too thin

'Til it was too late, and I was empty within

Feeding on chaos and living in sin

Downward spiral, where do I begin?

Every penny went to drink. To forget. To numb. To pretend he was still in control.

It all started when I lost my mother

No love for myself and no love for another

His family would not take him back. He was no son of theirs. He was a monster. A killer.

To find a love upon a higher level

Finding nothing but questions and devils

He was turned away by all. Shunned by society, only the gutters spoke his name.

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Then darkness. A prison of cold steel. People out of time. Forced to perform and please.

Nothing is fine

Black cracks split his skin. Eyes of many colors peered out. The consuming darkness within breaking free.

I'm crying, I'm crying

I'm crying, I'm crying

He fell from the piano bench, spralled on the floor. Eyes blank. His limbs twisted and deformed.

I can't go on living this way

I can't go on living this way

He wanted to give in. To forget forever. To be taken by the darkness.

Cut my life into pieces (I can't go on living this way, I can't go on living this way)

Think of the others. Who would he damn to be in his place? Fight. FIGHT!

Cut my life into pieces, yeah (I can't go on living this way, I can't go on living this way)

PULL IT TOGETHER SOLDIER

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Losing my sight, losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine (I can't go on living this way)

With a cry of inner strength, he forced the darkness back.

Nothing is fine (I can't go on living this way)

Caine's limbs normalize. The crawling darkness retreats into the wounds.

I'm running, and I'm crying (I can't go on living this way)

He sobs. He must keep fighting. Protect the others.

I'm running, and I'm crying (I can't go on living this way)

Protect Pomni.

I'm running, and I'm crying (I can't go on living this way)

Suffer for the greater good.

Nothing's alright!!

Caine's screams are forever contained in the time capsule, never to be heard. It continues its journey through time, collecting lost souls to fuel its purpose.

[yakuzabrainrotlive]

You've heard of the legendary Yakuza 4. Now get ready for... THE YAKUZA 6 🔥🔥🔥

Yes. I finished the game!

Actually, I finished it during Saturday, but I needed... time. Yeah. I needed time. It was a Lot to Process™. Damn.

This hospital scene was actually the one scene that almost made me cry. I got teary-eyed. Oh yeah, I didn't cry at the ending. But more on that at the end.

Kiryu failing the Stop Blaming Yourself for Everything That Has Ever Happened challenge yet again. The survivor's guilt is so heavy. This hurts me.

This scene hits different when you see him in the flashback, that at the desk, writing that letter. He was already quite certain he'd be going down after this. Or, at the very least, he accepted it calmly. Feels like a very sharp turn from Y5 where he says to Watase that he's fighting to live. Kiryu is truly at his wit's end.

?????

This is like telling a person the spare key is under a rock AFTER they've called the landlord to open the door and paid for it. And you try to make this sound like it's Kiryu and Someya's fault? It's not Kiryu's fault you didn't tell him wtf was up (not that I'd have wanted Kiryu to die here for Kiyomi), and it's certainly not Someya's fault he couldn't take down a unit like Kiryu.

No amount of pep talking or pep hostage taking will change the fact that Kiryu could probably survive a 1v1 with a nuclear warhead. Poor Someya, he never stood a chance.

Y'know. Fair enough. Sorry for talking smack about you, Someya. You went out like a king. RIP 🫡

This is truly just the Kiryu finally fucking snaps from all the guilt and trauma and goes apeshit on everyone game, huh. I hate it but I'm also thriving. "Almost crying but also on the edge of my seat and going feral, waiting to see what Kiryu will do" type of moment.

Yayyy! More self-blaming and guilt!! I'm having so much fun screaming and throwing up and eating my sofa :)

Akiyama... I know you mean SO WELL here. Best intentions of all time. But... how do I say this...

Reminding Kiryu of "his legacy" is truly a bad move. If there's one thing Kiryu hates more than Tsuneo and his goons (and himself hahaha pls end me), it's his legacy. The legends. His title and his whole past. That legacy is a massive source of guilt and self-loathing. Truly poking at an open wound here, buddy.

:) yeah... fun times. To be totally honest, I've kind of been waiting for this kind of moment since Kiwami 1. Kiryu has always felt like he's SO close to snapping. I've been dreading this moment, but I just knew it was coming eventually.

The scars left by the events of Kiwami started the total unraveling of this man's mental well-being, and the spiral just kept speeding up after everything went to hell in a handbasket time and time again. This was truly just a matter of WHEN, not if.

NOW. ABOUT THE ENDING (you literally can't screenshot anything after this point).

Hmmm. What can I say. Unlike Y5 which left me bawling and hollering, this one made me feel... empty. Like there's a void in my soul. Numb. It might hit me real hard later, but for now I'm just... idk. In shock? In denial? Who knows.

I feel very bad for Kiryu and I wish he didn't feel like he had to make that decision, but I totally get where he was coming from.

I've actually thought - since Kiwami 2 specifically - that the weight Kiryu's title and his very name itself hold are too heavy to be escaped in any way besides him dying. He'd always be sought out by dangerous people and never know peace as long as he lives. I thought he had pulled a stunt like this in Y5, but not quite.

So while this is probably an agonizing choice for Kiryu to make, it was the only way he could ever escape his situation in my opinion.

Do I think we'll see him again? Probably not. Maybe in flashbacks, but I'm not gonna hope for anything more.

The final battles were very epic and felt like the sendoff Kiryu deserved. Really showing just what a beast of a fighter he is, along with his heart of gold. While I feel bitter about the way things turned out, the final fights themselves left me satisfied.

What would I change about the ending?

- I'd have liked to see Majima and Daigo's reactions to the news of Kiryu's death

- Some more insight into Kiryu's mind at the final points would have been cool. The viewer probably knows his thought patterns well if they've witnessed all the games this far, but... Maybe it could have hit even harder. Not sure.

That's about it. I'm devastated but I'm also numb. I don't feel like there was 100% perfect closure for Kiryu with how he left with nobody besides Date knowing the truth. But it fits Kiryu's character very well - he's always putting others before himself and that's what happened this time around as well.

[rayclubs]

Nobody asked for this but I'm rating TMA fear entities by how scary they are.

The Eye

This bitch should be afraid of me

I set my 0.5L bear head shaped glass mug of discount bootleg pepsi on the table and say "Watch This" and the ceaseless wanker never recovers

0/10 turn your gaze upon. My peanits

The Web

Kind of a MILF and they do intimidate me if I'm being honest

Spiders are pretty disturbing ever since I wrote that story about a gigantic man-eating species with blades for legs, but then there's Jolene who lives on my window and catches the bugs that are Far Worse so I don't even know

4/10 for honest effort, you go girl

The Dark

Scary in the sense that I will stab me goddamn toe

So fun fact, when I was a kid my parents brought home a wooden crate full of pears and set it on the floor near the kitchen doorframe and I ran by at full speed and whacked my pinky toe against it full force, it was bleeding like fuck but for whatever genius reason my parents didn't move the crate so next day I ran the exact same trajectory and didn't have a nail on my pinky toe for six months. But that was in broad daylight so

2/10 get torched idiot

The Vast

I could never be afraid of something so, so sexy

I guess I have an instinctive moderate fear of heights? I did fall off a tree once, and I am prone to window-jumping attempts, but it's not like I can't climb a ladder or anything. The ocean though? The open space? Tell me more

3/10 we on purposed kiss

The Buried

I would DIE in the buried

Petition to rename Too Close I Cannot Breathe to Get The Fuck Away From Me

7/10 can you tell I'm familiar with the crushing weight of poverty

The Flesh

Too funny to be scary

Yeah blood, yeah meat, I'm made of it babygirl don't even worry. I bet you only hate Viscera because your ribs are weird. Not me. Could never be me. My rib is beautiful and pristine, my bone marrow is delish, and my garden is FLOURISHING.

2/10 for the fear of actually going to the gym

The Hunt

It's Gonna Getcha

Kind of boring? Neighborhood stray dogs are scary but at some point you just say "fuck it" and walk the shortcut anyway. We don't have wolves or bears here where I live, it's pretty chill.

2/10 vampires aren't even that sexy (sorry)

The Corruption

I do NOT. Fuck with The Corruption. I DO NOT. Fucking hell.

Bone-chilling, terrifying, absolute bullshit whore of a fear, I HATE her, I hate her SO MUCH, watch me run out of my house screaming upon encountering one motherfucking bitch of a worm, I'm calling extermination services so quick you won't even have the time to say "Filth", FUCK The Corruption

10/10 aaa a a aa a a

The Stranger

Who

I don't know what "uncanny valley" means. I've read the definition but I do not understand the concept. Plastic people don't make any sense to me. "Things that aren't what they should be" does not make sense to me. I Might have identity issues

0/10 fucking clowns

The Slaughter

Soldier TF2

Respectfully and conceptually frightening but not on any personal level. Don't like thinking about it because there's a war just over the border right now, but also everyday things still need done y'know?

5/10

The Spiral

Hawt

Another thing that is conceptually scary but I would just deal with it in a producthve manner because I'm autism powers. Also I get lost even in normal, non-distorted places, so I'm what you may call experienced

4/10 mickey

The Lonely

MY GORGEOUS WIFE

I think about The Lonely at least once a day, I want to go there forever. Will you go to The Lonely with me? Will you? Will you?

0/10 she makes me so happy I want to cry

The Desolation

Yeah fire doesn't do it for me

Can't be scared of losing your home if you don't have a home in the first place

3/10 I'm scared of mean women

The Extinction

Been there done that

More hopeful than scary. Made in Heaven that shit aye

1/10 who gives a shits

The End

Ah well

I mean, I could die tomorrow and I wouldn't care. Cause I'd be dead. Cheers for the living but I'm different.

2/10 the scariest part is all the tentacles

[uriswhumpchamber]

AI-Less Whumptober, day 3

Prompts used: Survivor's guilt, "It's not your fault"

Content warnings: none, surprisingly, I don't think. Whole thing is under the cut because I didn't know where to cut it tbh.

⁂

Their hands are shaking, and soon enough they crumple into a ball on the ground, cane thankfully resting against the wall, hugging themself in an attempt to gain some comfort, the small space on the back of the building now even more lonely. They didn't want it to end up this way, their mind screams, Lucero doing their best not to cry. They didn't want this. And yet it still happened on their watch. What right did they even have to call themselves a hero if…?

They hadn't even realized when, but Daniel had followed them there — only gaining awareness of that when he sat down by their side, one hand on their shoulder.

“Lucero? 's just me.”

They immediately turn towards him, burying their head in the space between his shoulder and his neck.

“I didn't— I didn't do anything for them, Dani,” they say, louder than they'd like. Daniel falls silent for a moment, surely disappointed in them, too.

“Don't start getting ideas, Lu.” His tone is sharp — years of knowing each other, knowing what can shut up the other's mind. His voice softens as soon as that works. “I just don't want to… Pretend to know what it's like, y'know?”

They take a moment to breathe, matching his teammate's rhythm, and they nod.

“I know this is… a lot more for you, and I can't — I'm not in the same situation, obviously. But I also don't think they were.”

“Everyone— everyone deserves a chance,” they interrupt, holding back a sob.

That villain didn't get one — Lucero had to end up using their singularity, knowing it'd end the fight, and now there was nothing left to do but beg for the mercy of the system.

“Everyone gets a choice. They made theirs, and you made yours—”

“I was saved, and I couldn't—”

“For god's sake, Lucero, you were a child.” Daniel ruffles their hair. “And you grew up into the most stubborn, infuriating hero there is. I don't think you would take the choice to become something entirely different.”

But they're on the good side, Lucero finds themself thinking, and then stops.

“It's not your fault.” Daniel is still threading his hand through their hair, and the motion is so soothing that, had they not been still trying to hold back their tears, they could've fallen asleep by now. “Not everyone is waiting for a savior, y'know?”

It makes sense, which makes this all the more frustrating. It is what the villain was yelling about, after all — being right, not being afraid to die for it. Doesn't make it any less troubling, doesn't make them regret any less, even if they know any alternative would've been worse.

“It still feels unfair,” they settle for saying. “I know I wasn't — ugh, I know my case,” the wording is awful, “was different, but I still got the opportunity to get out, y'know? And maybe if someone — if someone had gotten to them before, then they would've had that chance, too—” their voice cracks— “they probably deserved it more, after all.”

There is another moment of silence, and the spiraling fear inside their brain gets louder.

That was the problem, wasn't it? Lucero was dangerous, that was a truth nobody could deny. They had gotten so, so lucky, and it was only because they would've been far worse as a weapon in the hands of the villains that would've controlled their existence, the defunct group still haunting their dreams, even when they had no memory of it. They'd been born lucky, their mother finding an exit, if only for Lucero.

And they were still dangerous, far, far more than the villain they'd captured. It was clear, every part of their hero persona built to lessen harm to outsiders. They had to be loud as thunder, because that kept people away when things got messy: because getting close would be too dangerous, wouldn't it? And the looks — they knew the looks, the fear even in other heroes' eyes, the wariness.

Daniel wraps his free arm around them, and oh — they're crying, aren't they?

“You think I don't deserve to be a hero, Lu?”

They pull apart, blinking quickly to clear their tears. What?

“I mean, think about it. I'd make a pretty damn good villain.” Daniel pauses for a moment, then frowns. “Oh, hey, don't actually think that much about it. C'mon.”

He's half laughing by the end of that sentence, and Lucero can't help but laugh, too.

“I mean, you would— but you aren't.”

“Mhhm. And that goes for more people here than you could count.” He's still smiling, softly — holding onto their hands. “But I don't think you would rather we'd been stuck doing that, right?”

They hum, and tilt their head… and then sigh, tension slowly slipping off their body. No, they wouldn't, specially not him; not anyone, no. They're probably of the few people that know so much about the horrors that someone like Daniel might have gone through, had things been slightly different. And… The ones they might have gone through, too. It's maybe the first time they think about it like that, and Lucero is surprised at how much it helps.

“You're like, actually good at talking to people.”

Daniel does laugh properly now.

“You're rubbing off on me,” he says, reaching out to dry their face with his hands. “Want to go wash this off? Our shift's over now, so—”

“So you'll treat me to some proper coffee now?”

“Absolutely not.” He swats their arm, smiling still. “C'mon, you dummy.” He stands up, and offers them a hand, grabbing onto them and helping them to stand up after.

“Hey, Dani. I'm… Glad you're, uh. Here,” Lucero says, reaching for their cane. “As in, y'know, on my team.”

They don't need to look at Daniel's face to know he's smiling.

“I'd always be on your team, silly.”

[deadangelo]

i completely forgot about my final assignment for my online class (which is worth 100 points) and now i’m going to fail the class which means i either have to take a 3-credit summer class (which is $$$) to maintain my scholarship (which i could lose anyway if my gpa tanks bc of the failed class) or i’ll completely lose my scholarship which reduces my tuition by a significant amount and it’s all because i’m an irresponsible dumbass who can’t keep up with assignments that aren’t for in-person classes :)))))

[reallybadfeeling]

My Obikin Playlist Masterpost

I'm gonna try to explain my reasoning, but you can give each song whatever interpretation you want. Also, use them however you want if any of them inspire you to make something creative.

(PS: Sorry for my ranting on the first song. I'm very passionate about it in particular.) (Tagging @imtryingsstuff because she asked for it. Even though I was already working on this post before she asked. I have way too much free time.)

☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧

❧ Heart + Bones - Roisin O

I've tried to sit down and write this song out Feels like a thousand times But I was always too scare of what I might find But if I keep on blocking this pain out It might be too late To heal my heart somehow Don't wanna open that wound Don't wanna replay that night Don't wanna think about you You are no longer mine Don't wanna write you a love song When I know that love is gone 'Cause if I let myself think of you I might lose my mind It's the heart and bones It's an empty soul The dreams at night that shake me to my core And I can't get up off this floor It's in the bones of me An empty soul in me The dreams at night that shake me to my core I can't get off this floor [...] Don't wanna think about you When you're no longer mine Don't wanna write you a love song When I know this love is gone [...] The dreams at night that shake me to my core I just can't take this hurting anymore [...] Don't wanna think about you You are no longer mine Don't wanna write you a love song When I know this love is gone 'Cause if I let my mind think of you I might lose it all I've tries to sit down and write this song out Feels like a thousand times

A fair warning: each and every break-up song in this playlist is basically me crying at the idea of a very heart broken Obi-Wan post RotS alone on Tatooine. But for this song in particolar I mention the repetitions with the slight differences because in my eyes they are actually HUGE! The more the song goes on, the more Obi-Wan is spiraling! The way it specifically tells that the empty soul is his the second time, like he accepts that despite what Anakin did he still thinks there's a soul there to save, and the idea of not doing so makes his soul feel empty. And the switch from "get up off this floor" to "get off this floor", literally him being so desperate he stops thinking that he wants to get up (and the last time it literally becomes "i just can't take this hurting anymore", because Obi-Wan had to see so many people he loves die, he literally can't take any more breaking of his heart). The first "you are no longer mine" is the realization hitting him, but then it becomes "when you are no longer mine" and that feels like acceptance of that realization (but then later in the song it turns back to "you are no longer mine" like he's so desperate he wants to deny it once again, distance himself from it)! The switch from "that love" from "this love", like the first time he's thinking about how Anakin no longer loves him, but then realizes that no matter how much he still loves Anakin, there is actually nothing he can do about how everything is broken. But most of all the first time it's "if I let myself think of you I might lose my mind", which is Obi-Wan still being rational about things, or at least trying not to let his mind linger on the thought of Anakin; but then at the end it becomes "if I let my mind think of you I might lose it all", because he's already thinking about Anakin and he can't let his mind linger on it, otherwise he would realize how much he lost when he lost Anakin, which is everything. And the ending too, by repeating the start, but now it has a feeling of resignation to it, like at first he was literally scared to let himself linger on his feelings because he knew he would find heart break, but now he's just empty and at the same times he knows he'll feel like that a thousand times more, because he just can't let that hurt go, he can't let his love for Anakin be forgotten. ... I love this song and it shows. I mean, the playlist is literally named after it for a good reason. I swear I'll be less wordy for every other explanation.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Black Hole - Griff

It seems like things are going really well for you I wish that I could say the same about me too I wish that I could say the same [...] Without a trace You disappeared and took some of me with you, babe Like the way I used to laugh untile my belly ached Well, that's all gone away now And boy, you know I've tried to pray, I've bruised my knees I've tried to bring you back to me I've tried my best to find some kind of peace Don't you see? There's a big black hole where my heart used to be And I've tried my best to fill it up with things I don't need It don't work like that, no, it's not easy To fill this gap that you left in me

So, I see this as a song for an AU, maybe a Modern Au. Something basic like the two of them maybe being neighbors and Obi-Wan maybe being a tutor for Anakin when he was a teen, and Anakin having a huge crush on him. But then Obi-Wan marries and Anakin is heart broken. (Don't worry the idea is also that Obi-Wan gets a divorce and comes back to Anakin, but still, the song fits for the first part of this idea). But feel free to see whatever else you want in it.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Gone, Gone, Gone - Phillip Phillips

I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bride To make you well, to make you well When enemies are at your door I'll carry you away from war [...] Give me reasons to believe That you would do the same for me And I will do it for you, for you Baby, I'm not moving on I'll love you long after you're gone

This is honestly a classic. It would fit with any ship, but that line about lying, cheating, etc... That screams Anakin. Like, literally canon that he would do anything to keep the person he loves with him.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ What You Talking About? - Peter Bjorn and John

You used to be my hero Now you're just another boss [...] Five years as your understudy When I can't understand what you talking about [...] Tell me lies and I will listen Tell the truth and I'll be gone Tell me why I need permission [...] Shining in your shadow How could I sink this low? Our acquaintance has been so-so And I can't understand where my patience's gone

These lyrics just give me very frustrated Anakin as a Padawan trying to navigate his relationship with Obi-Wan. Not very romantic or shippy, but still relevant in my opinion.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Bruci la città - Irene Grandi

(Let) The city burn down or live in fear (that) within two hours everything will disappear anything else will disappear [...] I can't stop (myself) from screaming That I hold you to my heart To protect you from evil That I wish I could soothe Your pain, your pain [...] (Let) The stars explode (Let) The whole thing explode (Let) Everything other than the two of us die At least for a little bit At least as a mistake [...] I want to get my act together Maybe be better And shield you with my heart From catastrophe and fear

Don't really know why, but this makes me think of a quiet moment in the middle of the Clone Wars, just Anakin and Obi-Wan alone in a tent, hoping to have a moment of peace in each other's arms. (If you want the full lyrics translated let me know, I just picked my favorite parts)

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Atlantis - Seafret

We got here the hard way All those words that we exchange Is it any wonder things get dark? 'Cause it's in my heart, it's in my head I never take back the things I said [...] I can't save us My Atlantis, we fall We've built this town on shaky ground [...] Now all the birds have fled The hurt just leaves me scared Losing everything I've ever known It's all become too much Maybe I'm not built for love If I knew that I could reach you, I would go

SO MUCH OBI-WAN ANGST POST-ROTS! Like, the birds that have fled are the Jedi that survived Order 66, the things impossible to take back a reference to the entire conversation between Anakin and Obi-Wan during their duel... And the one thing that always breaks me: "maybe I'm not built for love", which makes me think about that "infinte sadness" thing that comes from one of the novels. *chef kiss*

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ No Time To Die - Billie Eilish

I should have known I'd leave alone Just goes to show That the blood you bleed is just the blood you owe We were a pair [...] You were my life, but like is far away from fair Was I stupid to love you? Was I reckless to help? Was it obvious to everybody else? That I'd fallen for a lie You were never on my side [...] I let it burn You're no longer my concern Faces from my past return Another lesson yet to learn

Don't know about you, but this always makes me think of a lonely and bitter Obi-Wan after RotS. There's also another way of reading this honestly. This could absolutely be Anakin spiraling at the end of RotS, convinced that Padmé doesn't love him anymore; and then Vader facing Luke (the face from the past returning) and realizing the one who always lied to him was Palpatine.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ White Flag - Dido

I know I left too much mess and Destruction to come back again And I caused nothing but trouble I understand if you can't talk to me again And if you live by the rules of "it's over" Then I'm sure that that makes sense But I will go down with this ship And I won't put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I'm in love and always will be And when we meet Which I'm sure we will All that was there Will be there still I'll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I've moved on

There's no doubt that this song has been overused. And it is a very classic meme, so sometimes it's hard to take it seriously. But I still love it. And I can't help but relate this to something with Vader trying to redeem himself but failing at that too, and his and Obi-Wan's relationship still being broken as fuck.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Fight the End - The playground

When it's all falling apart I'll be the one who can hold you Console you When everything's getting dark And you can't find the spark To get through I'll fight for you till the end Whatever's broken I'll mend For you If you think it's all gone Just breathe in and hold on Till the end of time

Once again, just some H/C during the Clone Wars kind vibes, but also good for an apocalypse AU of some kind.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Hanging On A Lie - Striking Matches

I'm not mentioning a specific part of this song, because the entire thing in my head is just the whole journey of Anakin turning to the Dark Side and then turning back to the Light right before he died. Seriously, up until the first chorus, it's just Anakin talking about what he feels like about Padmé's supposed betrayal. ("Baby you've been up to something / don't you tell me it's not what it looks like" but also "I might have been naive but I'm not blind" and "Don't you know you should know better than this / Than to cover up the truth with your poisonous lips/I'm not falling for it this time"). The second half of the song is Vader facing Luke. ("I'll be the one who got away from you when you / finally figure it out / you won't find me"). And the last part is Vader realizing all the lies Palpatine told him all alon. ("I'm not fallin' for it this time/try and try too little too late" and again the "you should know better than this/than to cover up the truth with you poisonous lips") A bit of a weird interpretation, that's for sure. But look at me making a song about cheating all about Anakin's journey!

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Bloodsport '15 - Raleigh Ritchie

Your love is worth it and for that I will wait And though you hate me when you have a turn I drive you crazy, but you always return [...] Although you love me, sometimes we're mean Things can get ugly, but we're still a team We are an army that breaks from withing but That's why we're stronger and that's how we'll win [...] I've got your back, and though it's stacked against us I've got your hand, it's us against consensus And I will burn the people who hurt you the worst and I will no learn Cause I am too young and too dumb to consider the terms of breaking the law And I'll curse the day that they return With a smile on my face as their heads hit the floor And they're done, now it's curtains, the bloodlust's a clusterfuck, it hurts but it's working And even if you ask me to stop, it's too late because I've already decided their fate It's not a distaste, it's pure hate and it pulsates and it works its way around my brain Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I'll protect you till the day I meet my maker So don't fight me now cause you might need me later Loving you is a bloodsport Fighting in a love war It's not what I'm in love for, I'm yours I don't know if you can help it, maybe I'm just being selfish

Soooo, basically Anakin doing to Obi-Wan what he did to Padmé: loving him so much he thinks he has to turn to the Dark Side to save him. The first part I can almost imagine said by Obi-Wan, actually. Like, he's aware that sometimes Anakin hates their dynamics, but also that they are both in love... Which just ends with total madness.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Sweet Love of Mine - Joy Williams

I was broken, I was blind Lost in a moment I thought I left behind Then you woke up this dark soul of mine Carrying a light I thought I'd never find When you found me, I was all alone The whole world around me, but nowhere to call home I heard your voice sing like heaven's choir Gathered up my fears and threw them in the fire

I'm well aware this song is about pregnancy and how the singer found herself in the experience of becoming a mother. BUT, hear me out: what about an AU with either one of them being a Sith and the other one is still a Jedi. Instead of fighting each other, the Jedi tries to save the Sith, because they realize that the Sith actually never had a chance to be anything else since they grew up with a Sith as their "parent" and Master. But if we still want to keep the pregnancy element, fuck it! It's perfect for an Omegaverse AU, with Anakin maybe about to fall when he finds out he's pregnant and that is how Obi-Wan and their unborn child save Anakin. (Is this very specific? Yes. Do I care? Nope, and that's why this song made it into the playlist.)

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Senza fare sul serio - Malika Ayane

There's a post on my blog already about why this song makes me think about the Jedi Order in general. I know I should probably keep it in a different playlist. Alas, it's still here. Have a link to my previous post if you are interested on reading a complete translation and the explanation of my reasoning. HERE!

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Conversations in the Dark - John Legend

I will never try to change you, change you I will always want the same you, same you Swear on everything I pray to That I won't break your heart I'll be there when you get lonely, lonely Keep the secrets that you told me, told me And your love is all you owe me And I won't break your heart [...] And we, we got places we both gotta be But there ain't nothing I would rather do Then blow off all my plans for you

It's just such a lovely love song, I couldn't help myself. This seriously gives me sappy Obi-Wan vibes in any way, shape or form.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ If You Ever Leave, I'm Coming With You - The Wombats

You know I'll do Whatever you want me to [...] Take you out of this You reluctant optimist And if you ever leave, I'm coming with you Stuck to the gum that's stuck on your shoe If you ever leave, I'm coming with you [...] Am I losing you in the dark baby? No more breaking stuff No more acting up Filling your head with doubt

A song about the obsessive kind of love that hints of a way too dependent relationship? Something that mentions losing themselves in the dark? Of fucking course I relate this to Anakin and the way he loves people!

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Transplant - Sea Girls

You're breaking all the promises tonight I'm always dancing by myself as the music plays I'm always one step behind, off-beat, out of place Now I'm looking for you, you're looking away [...] Your heart changed Mine stayed the same I don't recognize your voice when you're saying my name Your heart changed And mine beats the same way [...] Wish I could be back in the moment We were shining, we were making mistakes 'Til your heart changed Mine stayed the same

Have I mentioned that I have a lot of RotS feels? Yeah, so, in my head the "dancing" works like an analogy to fighting and the "music" is literally the sound of battle. Which is why this fits perfectly as far as I'm concerned. An even the "always one step behind" part is just Obi-Wan not realizing Anakin was slowly turning to the Dark Side. But it can be related also to how Anakin basically felt like he didn't truly belong with the Jedi.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Read my Mind - JONES

Can't control my thoughts But I'm trying every day [...] But sometimes I want impossible things When you hear my voice, what does it say? Need a language, we're lost in translation From impossible thoughts and feelings Why don't you know before I know? What I need to say, before I can How come you don't have the answer Before I asked you the question? Wish you could read my mind [...] It's been a long time since we've been together In the same world, just want you to look at me Like I was everything you ever wanted again [...] Just hold me like I'm everything you wanted again

A good song of the two people pining will always make me think of those two dorks. And their feeling are definitely lost in translation even in canon, with Anakin never realizing how much Obi-Wan actually cares for him because of Palpatine's manipulations.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ So Much It Hurts - Niki & The Dove

Oh, I ask you where you've been 'Cause you always come home late nowadays What a fool was I to think we were safe From the thieves in the temple [...] Oh, won't you bring it back? After all that we've been through together Is it now you gonna throw it all away? Oh, a love like ours Tell me, was it worth it? Oh, the thieves in the temple Oh, but you said that For better for worse You would always be there for me Always be there for me Always be there for me like I'll always be there for you Good times and bad times

So this screams Padmé being cheated on. Like, Anakin still married to her, yet he is always sneaking away after they spend time together to be in the Temple with Obi-Wan. Like, Obi-Wan is literally the thief in the Temple that steals Anakin away from her. (Which I'm sure is actually a metaphor for how the couples' marriage is the temple and someone is disrespecting it by taking away the other's lover. But look at me making this literal, 'cause why not!).

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ Power & Control - Marina

Give a little, get a lot That's just how you are with love [...] Think you're funny, think you're smart Think you're gonna break my heart Think you're funny, think you're smart Yeah, you may be good looking But you're not a piece of art [...] Power and control I'm gonna make you fall I'm gonna make you fall We give and take a little more 'Cause all my life I've been controlled You can't have peace without a war

Another song for an AU, this time one with both of them being Sith, most likely being enemies too at first. Before they decide to work together against Anakin's Master.

❣🅞🅑🅘🅚🅘🅝❣

❧ No Hero - Elisa

Don't you shut your eyes And hide you heart behind a shadow 'Cause you can count on me As long as I can breathe [...] I've fallen from grace Yeah, I'm much less a saint than a sinner Oh, no I ain't no superhuman 'Cause that's just in the movies, I know But I'll carry you throught the night Through the storm Give you love, always love in return I can't jump over buildings I'm no hero But love can do miracles I can't outrun a bullet 'Cause I'm no hero But I would take one for you [...] 'Cause I'm no hero But I'd spill my blood for you If you need me to I'll be there

Another song from an Italian artist, but this one is in English! And I totally see this song for a scenario where one of the two isn't a Jedi or even for a Modern AU. But it can totally work for Canon compliant too because Anakin is the one every calls hero with no fear. It fits then if Obi-Wan tells Anakin that he doesn't feel like a hero, but he would do anything for Anakin.

☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧ ☙ ✤ ❧

SOOOO, this post is getting way to long (like, it was way too long even just with the first song). And I made it to an even 20 songs. I feel like this a nice place to stop for now. Don't worry, these are just the first 20. I have more in my private playlist, but I want to make another post like this when I add them to the public one. Because I can. And that's what I'm gonna do.

[jay-and-dean]

Worse

Dean x reader

Summary : Is it possible to love someone so much, you just wish you’re lucky enough to die first ?

Warnings : This is ANGST. I’m not kidding, this is panic attack, suicidal thoughts, grieving, light thought of murder, borderline domestic violence angst. This is kinda Dark and be careful that it’s not too triggering for you, please.

Wordcount : 1.8 k

Note : This is my fic for @negans-lucille-tblr​‘s 6k “roll the dice” writing challenge. My genre prompt was Angst (I think you got it by now) and my prompt was “I’ve been pulling you close but pushing me further”, it’s blod in the fic. 

December is a harsh month for me, so here is a harsh fic.

Jay’s Masterlist

_____________________

           Dean did it again.

           He swore on his life he wouldn't, you should have known that it meant nothing.

           How fucking ironic it is ? Dean Winchester swearing on his own life that he will try to protect it, that he won't shield every person on Earth with his soul and body.

           You're holding your painful chest, sitting on that stupid bed in this stupid motel room where nothing makes any sense anymore because your world is crumbling again. And your mind is going all the way down its own spiral of pain, the worst there is.

           Your breath is short and your thoughts go so fast, a super computer giving you all the details of the movie that will be your life once Dean is gone.

           The silence.

           The implacable silence in the bunker, the void left by the end of his voice, the kind of silence that hurts so much it could kill you, harassing cruelly, again and again, with no break at all until you're ready to open your skull on a wall to make it stop.

           That kind of silence.

           The empty bed back home, the empty room. Your mind makes emptiness rain on you : Empty kitchen and no bacon, no joy ever, no sex, no one holding you and telling it's going to be okay. No one really understanding you and no hero on Earth, no butterflies ever again. No reason to live. Empty heart. Empty life.

           Empty fucking world.

           In the middle of this chaotic din, you think of his toothbrush, of throwing it in the trash because he won't need to clean his cute, going slightly inward, teeth ever again. Of his clothes waiting on the closet forever, and how fast the smell on it will fade.

           You think of the nights spending screaming for him to come back because nothing is bearable without him, nothing... Screaming until you can't, strangling yourself with sobs, knowing it won't help because begging, threatening and bargaining won't change a thing.

           And the days being even worse.

           You think of the moment you will manage to forget the loss just enough to breathe, for a second, sitting on your bed, imagining he is just gone to the bathroom and that he will show up, pass this door again... Then remember he will never look back in your eyes again, fall even harder... And now you want to die.

           Right now.

           Even if all this is not real yet, even if Dean is still alive, you just want to die. You need to stop feeling anything forever now, just not exist because you don't want to be here when all of this happens.

           And it will happen.

           He just proved it. Your love for him doomed you and you're done praying that anyone listening would let you take his burdens...

           Your thoughts shatter when he opens the door of the motel room and walks in with his heart beating and his chest breathing, blood running through his veins... But seeing him is not a relief this time, not anymore, and the deafening fear is still compressing your ribs with its vise talons.

"Baby" he sighs and you whimper at the pain of thinking one day you won't hear it anymore.

           Everything hurts.

           Until now, you always managed to calm after Dean almost died. It always took a few days being extremely anxious, living in the shadow of fear, feeling like nothing had any meaning anymore, but he always managed to make you whole again. With empty promises that he won't leave you, that he will always be by your side...

           Bullshit.

           Last time, the unbearable despair of knowing he will go before you didn't leave you completely, and you still suffer this horrible void caused by the idea that nothing worth living, if it is not forever.

           This time, you know it, that horrible sorrow won't leave you. Not ever.

"Dean, it's over."

His big green eyes widen and his large body comes in front of you. His beloved body that you will have to burn one day, watching it as flames eat his freckled skin and flesh, as they turn to nothingness the man you love.

"Don't say that" he groans. "Baby, look at me. I didn't know for the metal thing."

You close your eyes, seeing the vampire impale him on this stupid bar again and again and it's like the spikes goes through you too.

"You know this one is not on me" he sighs. "It's not like I did it on purpose !"

"This one" you mutter his words in echo. "Maybe if you hadn't worn my heart out with all the times it was actually 'on purpose' like you say..."

He squats in front of you but you can't look at him. He was ready to say goodbye... Again. He was ready for you to lose him, who cares if you are ready or not.

"Don't say that..." he tries to touch your cheek with his fingers, the ones you held while performing that horrible spell to save him at Death's door.

To save him against his will.

           But you flinch away and repeat.

"It's over. I won't watch you die."

"I won't, Baby" he tries again but those lies are hollow and your soul burned out.

You get up and pace the ugly room, unable to bear his face so close after seeing it turn dead pale once more.

"You know how lucky you are ?" you say in a broken voice, way too sad to cry. "You're obviously ready to die, to leave me. You will be the one leaving first and th-that is the luckiest place..." he looks down and takes a loud inhale. "You're so fucking ready to quit."

"I'm not" he states but you ignore his words, they are just wind now.

"But I'm not" you continue, seeing tears fill his perfect eyes. "I can't... O-one day I will have to burn your body, Dean... How selfish is it ? Have you ever thought of what happens after your stupid blaze of glory ?" he keeps his eyes down without saying a word and you could hit him, you want to but instead you let out a desperate strangled scream of pain. "HOW FUCKING SELFISH ARE YOU ! YOU'RE WILLING TO SAVE EVERYBODY BUT ME !"

The burning rage rises in your soul, in your body, and it's like flames were consuming you too, like you were on a stake. Your skin is burning, blood boiling and your heart feels like ember.

"Y/n" he tries, paralyzed by his inability to face this paradox :

If he keeps trying to save you and everybody else with his life, it will kill you ; but if you die, he still burns.

           Is it possible to love someone too much ? Is it possible to actually die of love ? Is it possible that it is too late, that you're already dead...

"I CAN'T SLEEP BECAUSE YOU" you scream and a costumer of the motel yells for you to shut up behind the wall, you couldn't care less. "FUCK YOU DEAN WINCHESTER !"

He walks to you but the blazing pain is killing you, and you push him violently, making him step back in a huff.

"It's the job, Baby, you know that" he tries but it feels like gasoline on the pyre of your heart.

"Those suicidal shits to talk to Death ! Fucking OD on meds !" you feel tears roll on your face, down your chin and chest, but you don't think you're crying, or maybe you have been all this time... "Michael ! HELL ! THE MA'LAK BOX ! I NEVER FORGAVE YOU FOR THAT !"

"Y/n... I'm trying..."

"You should have tried harder ! I have been there, following you everywhere, accepting your stubbornness. I've been pulling you close but pushing me further. I'm dying of loving you Dean... I have to go."

You turn to put your clothes in your bag.

"You can't leave" he states, coming closer.

"WATCH ME !"

With hunter speed, he wraps his arms around you, hard and fast, with all his strength, preventing your every moves. All you can do is scream, and hit his arms to get free like they were enemies.

"You... You're not leaving me Y/n" he states through tears while you're fighting like you can. "You can't leave me... You're the meaning of my life... I love you more than anything in the world."

"LIAR !" you sob, hitting him with all you have, hitting him with your pain and your panic, with the despair that is consuming you.

You're fighting in a desperate last attempt to survive, like it was your last breath but when he squeezes your weak body harder, you hit and scratch every parts of him you can reach even more.

"I could die for you" he sobs.

"DON'T SAY THAT ! LET ME GO" you scream again, your voice hoarse and throat sore.

The neighbor knocks on the wall... And your eyes catch a glance at your gun at reach.

           You grab it with the speed of rage and point it to Dean's temple. Nothing matters anymore, and maybe if you both died in that dirty room, you would end up together in Hell...

           He doesn't move. You look at his tears soaked face, this face you love more than it is healthy to, to his tired wrinkled eyes, so red that the green seems greener... You cry at how beautiful he is, and press the barrel harder on his temple.

"I could kill you..." you mutter with clench teeth through your blurred mind.

"Do it" he orders. "DO IT !"

His shouting makes you flinch when his nose grazes yours at how close he is.

"WHY IN HELL WOULD YOU SAVE MY LIFE TO LEAVE ME AFTER ! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU !" he screams and presses his head harder on the gun. "LEAVING OR PUTTING A BULLET IN ME ARE JUST THE SAME ! SO GO ON ! DO IT !"

           You fall.

           His arms catch you and keep you up, but every crumb of your will just fell. The gun slips from your hand...

           A few years ago, you swore to love Dean forever, even if it meant death or Hell or even worse... So you will stay here, just here in his trembling arms until you have to burn him, for you neither can face that cruel paradox.

           You know you will walk on that pyre, that day, and hold him until the end. You will burn, but you will stay...

           Because this is it.

           This is worse.

_________________________

FEEDBACK IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME

Tags : @parinarain​​​ @mogaruke​​​ @masterof-agony​​​ @rainflowermoon @tftumblin​​​ @deans-baby-momma​​​ @roonyxx​​​ @thefaithfulwriter​​​ @vicariouslythruspn​​​ @emeow1496​​​ @daryldixonandfrogs​​​ @holylulusworld​​​  @cocklesbelli @sandlee44​​​ @screenchingartisancashbailiff @donnaintx​​​ @stormchasingchick32-deactivated​​​ @akshi8278​​​ @magssteenkamp​​​ @sister-winchesters99​​​ @neii3n​​​  @lyss-dw79​​​ @im-a-shrub @sadwaywardkid​​​@hopelesslydevotedtoyou1912 @slyqueenj​​​ @i-love-superhero​​​ @waywardsisterandpie @sunsetsandbooks​​​ @mrspeacem1nusone​​​ @stylesismyhubs​​​ @deanwanddamons​​​ @jawritter​​​ @peridottea91​​​ @chelsea072498 @chocolateheart​​​ @vicmc624​​​ @teresa-67​​​ @jessie-michael​​​ @doctor-hp-mcu​​​ @hawkerz12​​​ @mariaenchanted​​​ @hobby27​​​ @wirdbeimaufhebengebunden​​​ @thoughts-and-funnies​​​ @suramyaa @yasreadsfics​ @brilovesdeanwinchester​

[trans-snart]

So I couldn’t stop thinking about Joe & Nicky and Origin of Love, and that spiraled into a MIKA-specific playlist because that’s just the kind of gay I am. Enjoy!

It can be shuffled, of course, but the song order forms a narrative structure as well. Selected lyrics are under the cut for anyone interested!

Playlist title comes from the live performance of Lollipop where the lyrics were changed to "but now I'm 32 years old / and all that bullshit I was told / I lived my life and love was found / and love never let me down"

*I personally did not do any of the translating for the French or Italian, but please let me know if there’s an error that should be corrected! Click the titles for the full song translations!

Any Other World:

Take a bow, play the part of a lonely, lonely heart / Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in, to the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone / But lonely is so lonely, alone / So, human as I am / I had to give up my defenses

Overrated:

Words get broken, cut me open / Love confound me, kill me quickly / Breathe out, breathe in / Throw me living off the deep end while I’m sleeping / I'm a crazy fool, I'm a fool addicted / To the touch of you, to your poison kisses / What you got to lose? / What do you think this is?...

Offered up my wrist, and you thought you hit it / But your arrow missed, couldn’t kill me with it / All I asked of you was to free my pain / So you couldn’t do this to me again

Heroes:

It's your blood on me / And my blood on you / But to make you bleed / The only thing I wouldn't do...

We fight, we yearn / We never learn / And through it all / The hero falls

I wish there was a way / To give you a hand to hold / 'Cause you don't have to die in your glory / Die, to never grow old

Porcelain:

It's a small cry that is screaming inside / It's a paper cut that is bleeding me dry / Porcelain, it's the state that I'm in / Hold me carefully, just one breath could shatter me

'Cause you and I, were one of a kind, unbreakable / How was I supposed to find / Out that I'd crumble

I Went To Hell Last Night:

I went to hell last night / Followed you there, I was standing by your side / The saddest thing I've ever seen / Made me angrier than I've ever been / But in the darkest place, a saving grace / After all we've been through / Though it kills me to say this / There's a little bit of God in you…

And one day you will see / Part of you is part of me / There's a little bit of God in everything

L’amour Fait Ce Qu’il Veut:

Pour ce salaud [For this bastard] / Je fais le tour de la terre [I go all around the world] / Jusqu'au Congo [To Congo] / Je m'enfuis dans le désert du Sahara [I flee into the Sahara Desert] / Tout en haut du sommet de l'Himalaya [Way up high from the Himalayan peak] / Sur la lune, à Cuba [To the moon, to Cuba]

Mais l'amour fait ce qu'il veut, fait ce qu'il veut de moi [But love does what it wants, does what it wants with me] / Mais l'amour, baby blue, fait ce qu'il veut de nous [But love, baby blue, does what it wants with us]

I See You:

I'm sitting across from you / I'm dreaming of the things I'd do / I don't speak, you don't know me at all / For fear of what you might do / I say nothing but stare at you / And I'm dreaming, I'm tripping over you

Truth be told, my problems solved / You mean the world to me but you'll never know / You could be cruel to me / Why go risking the way / That I see you?...

I'm standing across from you / I've dreamt alone, now the dreams won't do

Talk About You:

Walk through the jungle that used to be my town / Everything's different, you've turned it upside down / It happened to me, totally unprepared / Just the beginning, but I'm not even scared / ‘Cause living like this is risking all that I know / And if it kills me, that's the way I want to go

Domani:

Cercherò una scusa per sentirmi fragile [I'll try to find an excuse to feel fragile] / Perché tu mi fai paura e non lo so nascondere [Because you scare me and I can't hide it] / Il cuore ha sempre ciò che vuole [The heart always has what it wants] / Ma io vorrei soltanto i graffi sulla schiena [But I just want the scratches on my back] / Nudi nel retrovisore [Naked in the rear-view mirror] / In macchina io e te con la radio accesa [You and me in the car with the radio on]...

Pensiamo troppo al domani [We think too much about tomorrow] / Ma oggi siamo qui e non ci troviamo più [But today we are here we no longer find ourselves] / Chissà cosa sarà domani [Who knows what tomorrow might bring] / Non vedo il panorama resti solo tu [I don't see the view, just you]

Feels Like Love:

Baby, look at us / Any fool could see / I was made for you / And you were made for me / Okay, tell me no / And we could play that game / Waste a lot of time, but still feel the same

We could walk away / And just like others would / Or we live our lives / Like we know we should / 'Cause it feels like / Yes, it feels like love...

This is how it is, after just one kiss / Do you really think I'm inventing this? / 'Cause it feels like love to me

Tiny Love:

I couldn't train a bunch of doves to spell your name / It's a 'don't-know-what-they're-missing' kind of love

Our kind of love, it gets better every day / Crazy colors in the grey, our love / Tiny love, it's a tiny love...

Oh, tiny love / So small that you can't find us / The world revolves around us / Oh, tiny love / This kind of love, it can't be no other way / One kind of love blows the other ones away

Step With Me:

Is this happening to me? / Have I lost all my defenses? / Should I wait around and see / What it's like to lose my senses? / Always looking for the chase / From the high ground to the ditches / But the chase I'll never miss / Now I know what happiness is...

Sun is shining up ahead / In 30 years we'll still be happy / Making movies in my head / Making Hollywood look tiny / Don't know why but all your words / Sound just like a melody / From the pieces that I've heard / I could build a symphony

Boum Boum Boum:

Pas la peine d'aller cavaler [An escapade isn't needed] / Y’a que ça qui m’fait voyager [This is what makes me travel] / Pas les cocotiers de Tulum [Not the coconut palms of Tulum] / Quand toi et moi on fait boum boum boum [When you and I are making boom boom boom]

Et tous les bourgeois du seizième [And all the sixteenth's bourgeois] / Se demandent pourquoi je t'aime [Wonder why I love you] / Pour le voir pas besoin d'un zoom [To see it, they don't need a zoom] / Quand toi et moi on fait boum boum boum [When you and I are making boom boom boom]

Sanremo:

If I could, I know where I'd be / In a little town in Italy / Close your eyes, come away with me / Tomorrow we will be / Sitting by the seaside / Drinking up the sunshine / You're here, so why don't we go / Dancing in Sanremo? / We could be there in a couple of hours / To the place with the yellow flowers / Somewhere only we know / Sunset in Sanremo

To feel like this / Is one in a million / A suspended moment / Can we seal it with a tender kiss?

Sound Of An Orchestra:

You don’t even know everything I hear / Every move, every note, every time you’re near / If I close my eyes, promise I can see / A hundred people playing and it’s just for me / I can hear it, I can hear it, I can hear it, I swear / All the music you’re provoking, filling up the air

Tiny Love (Reprise):

This tiny love, it might be small / But it's the greatest of them all / This tiny love would disappear / You can't forget that it was here / We are tiny to the world, but in our hearts / We are giants with our tiny, tiny love…

And if it all goes bad / And our love sets like the sun / I'd give up a hundred thousand loves / For just this one

Origin Of Love:

You are the sun and the light / You are the freedom I fight / God will do nothing to stop it / The origin is you / You’re the origin of love...

Like every word that you preach / Like every word that you teach / With every rule that you breach / You know the origin is you

From the air I breathe, to the love I need / Only thing I know, you're the origin of love / From the God above, to the one I love / Only thing that's true, the origin is you...

Your love is air, I breathe it in around me / Don't know it's there, but without it I'm drowning

Love, you're the origin of love / (thank God that you found me)

[smileyoongle]

Come Back Home (A Kim Taehyung Mafia AU) // Part 2

Since so many of you wanted this, I just had to write it. Can't keep my readers waiting so here it is. Part Two. And I'll definitely be writing more parts to this. Consider it a series. Let's get it!

Summary: You were dead. Or at least that's what Kim Taehyung thought. But love never dies. A myth, yes. And maybe that's why when he finds out that you are alive, he may have already lost you.

Pairing: Mafia!Taehyung×Reader

This was another curve ball that life had decided to throw in Taehyung's way. And so far, this was the most unpleasant one. Being a mafia boss, Taehyung had dealt with all kinds of obstacles. He had been threatened, he had been shot, he had been betrayed, he had almost been caught by the police but none of it compared to what he was dealing with, currently.

Hoseok wrapped up all his medical instruments and stood up, frowning at you in sympathy. You were finally asleep after struggling and resisting with whatever energy you had left. It was mainly due to the benzodiazepine running through your veins but you were asleep, that's the only thing that mattered.

With a defeated sigh, he left the room to inform Taehyung who was eagerly waiting to see you.

Taehyung would have been in the room with you if you weren't scared of him. Surprisingly, Taehyung was the one you were scared of the most. You kept screaming at him to leave you alone, as if he was the one who tortured you.

"She's asleep for now." Hoseok announced, watching as Taehyung jolted up on hearing his voice.

With a curt nod, Taehyung rushed towards the room, not being able to wait anymore. The love of his life had come back to him, what else was he gonna do?

As soon as Taehyung wrapped his fingers around the doorknob, Hoseok stopped him by taking hold of his arm. Taehyung frowned and looked down at Hoseok's hand, wondering why he was being held back.

"There's something we need to talk about first." Hoseok mumbled, unable to look into taehyung's eyes. He already knew how red and puffy Taehyung's eyes must be because of all the crying he had done. But Hoseok couldn't bring himself to see the brokenness in them. He couldn't see his younger brother so damaged.

"What is it?" Taehyung asked, his tone holding the weight of an impatient man. Without a word, Hoseok dragged him back to the couch, making him sit on it as he sat in front of him.

The others stared at Hoseok with a curious look, trying to come up with different reasons for the upcoming conversation.

"She has been brainwashed...."

Taehyung's eyes stayed the same, not reacting to hoseok's words because he already knew this. You didn't remember him, for godsake. You didn't remember that one guy who loved you and gave you all he had.

"....beyond repair."

Now that made Taehyung's breath hitch. His heart was in his throat and all hope that he had for you to remember him had been shattered. There had to be someway. What was he gonna do?

"There has to something we can do, right?" Jimin asked, making Hoseok glance at him. Hoseok sighed and rubbed his forehead before answering the question.

"We need to know what Castillo did to her. I can't say anything until then."

Taehyung sat unmoving, his fists clenching and unclenching as he thought about all the possibilities of you having any memory of him. All he knew was that he had little to no hope left but he couldn't give up. Not yet. Not after he had got you back.

"Fine. Let's go talk to him."

💔🖤💔🖤💔🖤

"Finally here to kill me, huh?" A gruff voice filled the warehouse as Taehyung stepped inside along with the rest of the members. His eyes turned stone cold and he glared at the beaten man with a ferocious intensity.

Castillo was standing with his hands chained up to the ceiling, his clothes torn and bloody along with his skin which was splattered with his own blood. This wasn't a surprising sight for anyone who knew Kim Taehyung, things could have been worse. If anything, Castillo was being shown mercy.

"Oh trust me. You don't know the things that I have planned for you." Taehyung stated, the emotionless void in his voice was spine tingling.

Castillo chuckled, spitting blood on the floor before glancing at Taehyung with challenging eyes.

"Go on. Ask me what I did to her. I might tell you."

Taehyung gritted his teeth and prepared to lunge at him, only to be held back by his gang members.

Yoongi stepped in front of Taehyung, walking towards the tied up man with slow steps.

"Tell us what you did and we might spare you." He said, tilting his head with a threatening gaze.

Another breathy laugh escaped Castillo's mouth as he shook his head.

"We all know that's not gonna happen so I'll just tell you...."

Taehyung stopped struggling as the others dropped their hold on him, their attention turning to the man who was gonna die very soon.

"I drugged her....."

Taehyung clenched his jaw, trying his hardest to keep his temper in check.

"...again and again..."

His breathing became erratic as the others glanced at him, knowing very well what was gonna happen.

"...and I tortured her. I stuck needles in her arm. I carved her soft skin with a butcher knife. I starved her. Her screams were so delightful and sweet. Made me wanna keep hurting her. And you know what I told her?"

Taehyung took a step forward, ready to throw himself at the disgusting man in front of him.

"I told her that you asked me to hurt her. I told her that you wanted her dead."

A sharp punch landed on Castillo's jaw, blood spewing out of his mouth and dripping down his chin. Everyone stood calmly as they let Taehyung do what he wanted to do. His yells and curses rang through the room followed by Castillo's horrifying screams of pain. He deserved it.

He deserved it all.

"Now I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna bring in my hounds who are gonna feast on you. Alive and Breathing. And I'll stand outside to listen to your screams. Won't that be so delightful?"

Taehyung grinned maliciously before landing a final punch to Castillo's cheek and turning around to leave. He informed the guards to bring in his hounds and let them feed on the pathetic man's flesh.

"But don't let him die. Take them away before he stops breathing and fucking burn him alive."

The guards gulped and nodded, knowing better than to not listen to Kim Taehyung. As they all sat in the car, the show begin and Castillo's screams could be heard from outside the warehouse.

Taehyung smirked in satisfaction as a tear slipped down his cheek. He had taken his revenge for you. He had made sure to bring your kidnapper as much pain as you had endured. Unfortunately, you didn't remember anything enough to appreciate Taehyung. He loved you with his everything and all he wanted was for you to remember something. Anything.

💔🖤💔🖤💔🖤

"She needs to be around someone she remembers." Hoseok stated, placing a hand on Taehyung's shoulder and giving it a light squeeze.

"And she remembers none of us."

Taehyung clasped his hands in front of him, staring at the floor as he drowned in his own spiral of thoughts. He couldn't even begin to fathom how his life had gone so wrong.

If only he hadn't left you alone in the club that night...

"Who does she remember then?" Namjoon asked, wracking his brain for anyone who knew you before you met Taehyung. Taehyung's eyes widened momentarily before he sat up straight.

"Yoona..."

Hoseok nodded and stood up, glancing at everyone with a knowing look.

"Y/N kept calling her name before falling asleep. She remembers her. We need to call Yoona."

"But-but Yoona hates us. She'll probably do something to make sure that Y/N never remembers Taehyung!" Jungkook protested, staring at Hoseok in disbelief.

Hoseok frowned sadly and looked at Taehyung, finding the younger male looking very distracted.

"It's Taehyung's call." Jin announced, waiting for Taehyung to give a verdict.

Ignoring everyone, Taehyung stood up and walked to your room, quietly entering it and closing the door behind him.

You were still asleep.

A number of bandages covered your body as your chest rose and fell rhythmically. It broke Taehyung to see you like this, knowing it was all because of him. But at least he hadn't lost you completely.

He could hear everyone's murmurs from the living room, catching bits of their conversation. Cautiously, he sat down beside you and gently held your hand in his, bringing the back of it to his lips.

He softly kissed it and rubbed circles onto it with his thumb, taking his time to look at you properly. He still couldn't believe the fact that you were here, in front of him. That he was breathing the same air as you.

But moreover, he couldn't believe that you didn't know him. That all the happy times spent beside him, had been erased from your mind.

And the thought of sending you away to live with Yoona was killing him.

Because Jungkook was right.

Yoona had been your best friend and you used to live with her before Taehyung saw you. Yoona also ran a gang but she kept that a secret from you, kept you in the dark until one day Taehyung kidnapped you. But he didn't mean you any harm. He took care of you very well. All he wanted was for Yoona to pay back all the debts that her brother owed to Taehyung.

Her brother, Minho, had been relentlessly borrowing money and drugs from Taehyung's dealers, only paying back with empty promises. It had become important to get back the money since Taehyung's reputation as a mafia leader was at stake. He didn't let people get away with things like these anyway. So why must that one guy be treated any differently?

He kept you with him as leverage, promising you that he'd let you go back as soon as Yoona paid him back. And the day came very soon.

It was a rather memorable day since you refused to go back with Yoona. Because she had lied to you. She never told you what she did, playing around with you like you were a fool. Yoona was mad at Taehyung and she blamed him for all this. She begged for your forgiveness but you had already made up your mind.

But that wasn't all.

You had also inevitably fallen for Kim Taehyung. You had accepted all his flaws and you had decided to stand by him, as long as you were kept out of his work. Unfortunately, things went wrong one day and Taehyung failed to protect you.

"Will you ever remember me?" Taehyung whispered to you, caressing your hair and taking in their softness. You were so strong for having gone through everything, only to come out alive. Taehyung was proud of you. Very proud of you.

He kissed your head and stood up, letting go of your hand as he headed out of the room. Despite everything going on, he believed in the love you both shared. He believed that someday you would truly come back home to him. He was willing to wait all his life, if that's what it took.

"Call Yoona. Tell her everything."

Taglist: @min-t-posts @annoyinglyunabashedangel @bringitseijoh @kpopgirlbtssvt @unppleased @shadowstark @bangtanniexxx

Just tagging people who I thought would want to read this. Let me know if you wanna be tagged though. Or removed from the taglist. Anything works!

-XX

[uchihashisui-kun]

"If he even knew what had happened..." pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes, Shisui shakes his head. Of course Kagami would say something like that and mean it with all his heart, because he didn't know. Because Shisui was such a coward, and he never told anyone what had happened that day.

Killed by the enemy, the reports said. It's normal, on the tail-end of the war. They were just one more team among many others, and one child less was nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I killed him, Shisui wants to shout. Might as well have cut his throat open with my own two hands, he wants to say. He wants to laugh and scream and cry all at once.

(He wants to rip his eyes right out of their sockets.)

His eyes hurt, he notices after a while, hidden under the heel of his palms. He was pressing, pressing. He could just crush them so easily. What would Kagami do? Would he be able to stop Shisui in time, before he irreparably damages himself?

The thought was there, so close. Too close for comfort. That's the exact reason why Shisui never lets himself be alone for too long. If he starts spiralling down, there's no telling how far he would go. And if he just presses a little bit more-

"I can't," he chokes out. Can't punish myself, can't talk, can't do anything. "I can't forgive myself." He can feel the tears against his palms and down the side of his eyes, sliding sliding... All down to the couch under him. "It was all my fault."

The admission feels so heavy, like a physical boulder sitting right on his stomach, pushing all the air out and not letting any in.

"How can I tell someone what I did and search for comfort, when I can barely look at my own face?" There was always red, when he did, that damned Sharingan spinning like it was mocking him. It made him so incredibly mad.

Blessed eyes my ass, Shisui often finds himself thinking. To him, the Sharingan is a curse. Always has been, since the day he awoke his first Tomoe. Unable to forget. Unable to look at the future without thinking of the past. Of what was lost. How could Shisui go on with his life, when his mind was full of red-painted memories?

(He hates it, the color red. It's always everywhere. In his eyes, on his hands, in his mind.)

"I don't want anyone to know," but that's not completely true, is it? Because Shisui wants people to know. He wants them to see what a terrible person he can be. He wants them to look at his hands and see the blood of so many people that Shisui has lost count of.

He has heard people call someone a killer. He has Kakashi a friend, how could he not? And every time he scoffs, because Obito had died to protect Kakashi and Rin was reported dead to protect the village, whereas Shisui had consciously chosen to keep himself from helping in a moment of need.

His friend hadn't died a hero's death. He hadn't taken a blow for Shisui, or some romantic bullshit like that. He could have learned, somehow, to live with his friend's death if that had been the case.

Sometimes, Shisui thinks of his personal Mangekyō and curses every Deity he knows for whoever decided to give him that specific technique. The ability to take away one's decision, to twist their mind like a macabre puppeteer, when Shisui had gained that power by making the conscious decision to let his friend die.

Karma, as it turns out, is a sadistic bitch. And Shisui feels like Its amusing plaything.

What if I tell you and you hate me, Shisui wants to ask. What of your words then, he wants to say, when you find out what I did.

And he shouldn't hate himself so much, or at least that's what Inoichi used to tell him. There are people out there who have done, and will do, worse. But those people, usually, don't regret their actions. Shisui, on the other hand, has constant regret and grief weighing on his shoulders.

"I'm..." Sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. But it's not Kagami the one Shisui should apologize for. And he has already apologized to his friend's cold grave too many times to count. "Sometimes, I want to disappear. I don't want to die, just... Cease to exist. Does it even makes sense?"

🤒 Feverish

The only reason why Shisui is not currently driving himself to the ground with back-to-back missions, is solely because Raidō ratted him out to the Hokage and he's now put on forced medical leave.

To be honest, Shisui knows that he should rest. He can feel it in the tiredness of his body whenever he moves to perform a kata, or in the way he struggles to keep warm chakra circulating in his limbs, trying to fight off the chill.

He shouldn't even be cold. They're right in the middle of Spring, and the temperature is not one to shiver at. It's why Shisui is training, despite the medic telling him to rest. He wants to sweat it out, this fever that's trying to bring him to his knees, even if he doesn't want to admit out loud that this method is not working.

Shisui is bent over when Kagami finds him, hands braced on his knees and panting, struggling to properly fill his lungs with precious air. He feels like he's going to keel over any moment, and he's pretty sure the ground isn't supposed to move. It makes him dizzy, and it makes his mostly-empty stomach roll with nausea.

Shisui hates being sick. He hates the way he can't seem to get a grip on his own body, the way it dampens his senses. He understands that is important to rest, if he were on a mission right now he would get killed before he could even register the danger.

That's the only reason why he doesn't notice the older Uchiha approaching until it's too late- until he can't escape anymore, that is. And while having his own apartment where he can hide at the jōnin district is wonderful, Shisui knows that Kagami will hunt him down if he disappears without giving himself away. It's not like he can hide the fact that he's sick, anyway. He's not shivering solely because he's forcing his chakra to keep him warm, but he can't hide the feverish blush high on his pale cheeks and down his neck, disappearing under the Uchiha-standard high-collared shirt, nor his bleary eyes.