#i'm so tired i just caught myself thinking “you can't mention deep throat in this post... he's literally classified?”

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s4 episode 7 thoughts

my very first thoughts: a CANCER MAN episode??? are we gonna get some backstory?? some CSM lore?!?!? 

part of me is deeply curious, but part of me also wants agent time, so… hmm! i’m intrigued. my curiosity? it’s been piqued.

and the lone gunmen have been mentioned!!

author's note: woah... i was expecting a lot of things, but cancer man being a flop author was not one of them. it's kinda sad, but mostly just pathetic.

judgement aside, i actually really liked this episode. there are things i would change, but i thought it was super intriguing to see certain parts of what is hidden beyond the curtain, but never enough to fully satisfy you, which i do love about this show (even if it is occasionally infuriating). the multi-part structure was also an interesting and unique choice that worked well, but i do have some... questions on writing/character motives and if they were well-received. but you'll see what i mean in a bit.

a lot happened in this episode, which i shall begin to recount below!

OH! we open with a shakespeare quote!!! “for nothing can seem foul to those that win” oooookay i suppose that is relevant to our ciggy man. damn. couldn’t be me. a lot of things are foul to me. such as killing melissa. 

we see a rat! a rat! cute little critter. oh. cancer man arrives, and is less cute. he's looking at some broken windows… damn, why is s4 so dark? i keep having to turn my brightness up. it's annoying!!

his lighter says “trust no one” omg… he’s so weird. just an overall strange fellow. seriously, who gets a custom lighter that says that? way to draw attention to yourself while trying to Not Do That.

so he’s opening a suitcase…. WHAT!! he is somehow listening to a bunch of conversations, including the “not everything is a dark labyrinth of conspiracy” one, which means he must have had bugs in all of the rooms where mulder and scully chat!!! who has time to sort through all of that audio content to find the juicy stuff?? probably his freak interns that i KNOW he keeps scattering about

okay, so he’s listening to a conversation now between the lone gunmen and mulder. frohike is freaked tf out, but mulder says no one would kill him because “you’re just a little puppy dog”. aww. that's a cute thing to say.

GAG!! the lone gunmen put on a special audio filter to hide their conversation, and CSM just pressed a button to totally ignore it, and turns to the camera with a smirk. EW! EW! creepy man. ugh, i can’t believe i paused and had to look at that awful creepy smirk for more than a few milliseconds.

oh my goodness, scully is also here during this conversation between the lone gunmen and mulder that we are listening to via CSM's technologically aided eavesdropping. frohike is saying he found stuff about cancer man, while cancer man loads what looks like a SNIPER RIFLE, and aims it out the window??? “what did you find?” “possibly everything”

GASP! i’m hooked. i DO want to know possibly everything. 

(watching the intro and that scene where they burst in with the gun always gets me, but today it’s making me ache in my chest because of how beautiful they are. so feel free to psychoanalyze that)

frohike is describing trotsky’s assassination. this is an area of history i am weak in, so i am seated for my lesson. it is actually entirely unrelated to the plot at hand, and is just some frohike nerd lore, but that's cool, i like a dude who knows these things.

frohike says “he” (presumably CSM) appears on august 20th, 1940, in louisiana. and his father was a communist activist, executed for espionage before his son would walk!!! and his mother died of lung cancer before he could talk!

damn. tragic backstory for this fellow. he pretty much said "i know cigarettes killed my mom but i'm different"

he was sent to various orphanages where he spent his time reading and not making friends. then he went off the grid until a year and a half after the Bay Of Pigs. weird way of measuring time- before and after the Bay of Pigs

OH! we get more text… “part 1: things really did go well in Dealey Plaza” hmmm....

some army men are jogging, while another dude reads the manchurian candidate, saying he would rather read the worst novel ever written than the best movie ever made. he must not know about the novels that are out there… i assume this is cig man?

OH MY GOD! he’s talking to MR. MULDER! wait, wait that means….

! MULDER LORE REVEAL ! his first word was JFK

that is... actually really adorable. and will make his toddler stage difficult as he has to break certain news to baby mulder.

why do i get the feeling, from the shaky way CSM just set the photo of mr. mulder’s wife and child down, that he is fighting suppressed romantic feelings for his buddy like the cold war depends on it? hmm....

these fancy looking men want to talk to the guy i assume is cancer man. they ask if he was involved in any of the big events from the early 1960’s, which he denies. you know, assassinations and whatnot.

oh! when they ask if his father was executed as a spy, he says his only regret is that “i was too young to throw the switch myself” which is kind of a crazy thing to say. "yes i never knew my dad but i wish it was me that killed him" is a wild hill to die on. but i guess this is what the 60's did to people.

OH! he also denies a cigarette when offered, saying he never touches them. well. some things went down between then and now, i assume. and hopefully, we shall gain a glimpse into what changed.

this general dude is yapping about extraordinary men and i assume he is referring to himself. and his father. and young CSM, too, can be an extraordinary man! 

“communism is without a doubt the most heinous personification of evil mankind has ever confronted” <- said by a guy who likely fought the nazis, this is an absolutely crazy line... but again, i guess that shows how deep everyone was into the propaganda

they are offering baby CSM a very important job… so important, his army service will be erased… he needs to assassinate an american civilian, former naval pt-boat commander…

OH MY GOD, DID HE KILL JFK???

this is wild. how many different characters across various medias have been responsible for killing JFK? does anyone have a spreadsheet? if not, DM me and let’s make one 

so what is the reason in universe for why JFK had to kick the bucket….

because of the bay of pigs failure??

i get it was bad, but i didn’t think it was THAT bad. that makes no sense though timeline wise… they said bay of pigs was “last week”, but that was 1961, and obviously he didn’t get shot until 1963. so are we expected to believe that they waited 2 years to kill him? 2 years in which a lot of stuff happened? or is this some sort of factual oversight i’m supposed to ignore. or am i misunderstanding the episode structure. did i mishear/read a line?

(digs my claws in) you guys i cannot ignore a JFK anachronism i’m sorry

and now we're off to texas to witness the inevitable. this dude playing lee harvey oswald is lowkey cute, a thing i never thought i would have typed more than a few minutes ago. CSM yells at him about how smoking is BAD!

baby cancer man is talking to lee harvey oswald (another wild sentence), telling him he’ll see the president today. he calls baby cig man “mr. hunt” which i assume is a fake name… and he lies and says he loves the movies!! how simply do the falsehoods slip from his tongue!

ooooookay i see what is going on here. “mr. hunt” is a member of a cuban loyalty group telling lee harvey oswald to hide some weapons. a fall guy is being carefully crafted.

and lee gives him his cigarettes… the same cigarettes baby cig man scolded him for smoking…. omg…. foreshadowing

you know, in all my years studying history, i have never imagined what the inside of the book depository building looked like. and OMG! in googling to try and see if this was an accurate representation, i learned that dealey plaza is where he was shot! so i guess i’m good with JFK lore, but bad at geography. but that answers what the whole opening quote was about.

baby cig man is getting in a sewer to do some crime… very eugene tooms of him. he's getting his gun out in the sewer for a sneak attack…. while lee gets a root beer… and it seems umbrella man was giving a signal on when to shoot! fascinating.

(jackie’s outfit that day looked less fuzzy irl than it appears in this episode, so please take note of that wardrobe people)

nah, this is gonna make me feel bad for a FAKE lee harvey oswald…

and while JFK was dying, baby cig man stayed in that sewer the whole time… wow. i feel like someone should have taken a peek.

soooo realizing he is a patsy, lee shoots a cop. which is actually just far more incriminating than had he done anything else. then he goes to the movies. where the cops find him. and baby cig man was watching all of this…. he pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. OMG was that his first?? to cope with the Guilt?? damn.

it’s a bit of a ludicrous story that makes me giggle when i consider the real-world implications, but i will take it for what it is.

but back to modern cig man, listening to all of this being explained. he says nothing, seeming to confirm the accuracy of what is being said.

“part 2: just down the road from graceland”

no, don’t tell me he killed ELVIS, too?!?!?

wait, i read that wrong. “just down the road aways from graceland” okay, not sure if that clears anything up. but we hear the voice of martin luther king jr.

no… don’t tell me he killed HIM, too…..

notably, this whole part is in black and white. cigarette man is tap tapping on his typewriter. he’s writing a book! “take a chance: a jack colquitt adventure” <- sounds boring 

he’s listening to MLK talk about Marxist revolutions… is baby cig man a closet commie? no, for it appears he is deeply upset by these words!

he’s still in black and white, at a meeting about MLK, talking about how some claim he wishes to wage war against white america. baby cig man says “wouldn’t you?”, and i begin to wonder if he is based, but these hopes are quickly dampened as he explains that MLK's existence and activism are no longer civil rights issues… because he said something about communism. bro. what. is this how people actually felt…?

(you read about the paranoia and the terror of the red scare, but seeing an attempt at putting it in context still makes you think damn, times were weird)

this council is now talking about how they can best discredit MLK, and we see a guy who is blamed for the “there is but one way out for you” letter, which baby cig man says is stupid. oh, he blamed the director of the FBI for that. damn!

cigarette man says we need another patsy, and to make it a white man, so “it” (referring to king’s assassination) looks racially motivated. and oh! he says he’ll do it himself.

“i have too much respect for the man” <- so you’re gonna be the one that kills him? bro… what. we don't usually kill the people we look up to where i come from.

so. cig man lights up as he stands outside a building where MLK speaks. 

AND HE PULLS OUT THE PHOTO OF BABY MULDER AND HIS MOM???? WHAT THE FUCK

(is this like a “he’s grieving because his work demands that he never has a family” kind of thing or a “he’s longing for the embrace of mr. mulder” kinda thing….? does he love mrs. mulder….? what is this….)

cancer man gives the dude he’s framing a couple hundred dollars. and then gets in the bushes behind where dr. king is staying. i'm still processing the photo reveal.

and bam.

wow, i feel that this is… weird. idk, the whole “this character killed JFK” thing has been going on for so long that it doesn’t really feel that shocking, but dr. king’s death is a tragedy in a different way, and i’m not sure that using it in fiction is like, super appropriate? um.

while i am unsure if i feel that using a civil rights leader's assassination in your alien story is something we should brush past, i do understand what the writers are attempting to do here, which is show how dedicated to the anti-communist cause cig man is, and how he'll stop at nothing to do what he deems needed, no matter how ugly or horrific. i recognize what they are trying to tell me.

LMAOOOO WAIT. place my moral pondering aside for a brief second. if you pause, you can read the rejection letter baby cig man gets for his book. “my advice? burn it!” <- DAMN that book must have been god awful 😭

oh god. now the TV is mentioning RFK… don’t tell me cig man did that, too…

(author's note: thankfully, he was not involved with the killing of this kennedy brother; no clear statement on whether or not he was responsible for ted's whole thing)

AND WHY was cig man putting that photo of mrs. and baby mulder in his drawer…?!?!

cig man seems to be almost crying while quoting aeschylus along with RFK on the tv, as he speaks about the grief of losing both his brother and MLK…. damn. am i supposed to feel bad for CSM? because i don’t. 

back to modern cancer man. we now enter “part 3, the most wonderful time of the year”.

jump to 1991. he has saddam hussein on the phone?? and tells him to call back. and some other dude is working on the oscar noms LMAO wait... i lowkey love the idea that the government controls those... need to think what that would imply for every single winner ever

AND he rigs the superbowl so the bills don’t win LMAO what is his beef with buffalo?! AND he rigged the olympic hockey game in ‘80?

we’re getting the impression he kinda controls everything. message received loud and clear.

OH! now they’re talking about mulder… “that ‘spooky’ kid”, is how they refer to him. and CSM says that mulder is his to keep an eye on. i'm sure that's part of his decades long plot, to keep mulder under his watchful eye and use him as a pawn in his schemes. also, gorbachev has just resigned. no more enemies to fight.

and CSM gives his men some presents for christmas. how thoughtful…..? 

his men invite him to come with them to virginia for a family get together. damn, they like this guy? it seems they honestly do!

he got them all ties…. very strange fellow he is.

okay, so he lied and said he had to go see family to escape the gathering. and then ominously walks outside mulder’s office door. dun dun DUN!

he has some mail… and opens it to see something that displeases him. THEN HE STARTS WRITING AGAIN!! it seems like auto fiction, when you write about yourself but pretend it’s happening to a character. damn. crazy coping mechanism. good to know that he is kinda a loser all around. 

so, some days he longs for a second chance. okay, yeah, we all do cancer man, and most of us didn’t kill JFK.

the phone rings. it’s DEEP THROAT! my old friend!! were they tight?!

it seems that on christmas eve of 1991 was when a weird alien spaceship arrived to earth. and the occupant is in “critical condition”. also, deep throat mentions the UFO he had claimed to see before in vietnam, so we know he wasn’t lying entirely about that.

they have this fleshy pink alien hooked up to life support, which has me wondering how alien life support works, and also how many types of aliens we are dealing with in this universe. but i’ve mentioned that before. still! worth mentioning again!

lore reveal that is unsettling... DEEP THROAT’S NAME IS RONALD???? 

idk, i was expecting something like abernathy or shackleton or cromswell!

deep throat gives cigarette man the gun to handle the alien situation- but CSM protests, saying that a “living EBE” could advance bill mulder’s project by decades!!! MR. MULDER MENTIONED?!? he'd be willing to break protocol to help his buddy out?!?

but no, deep throat recites the rules from the security council resolution, which makes him remember what they came here to do.

can you just… shoot an alien??? to kill it? well. you can shoot some of them to kill them, but not the kind that need the special neck stabbing device. okay, keeping track of all this, just seems like maybe all aliens would need something a bit cooler to vanquish them.

they’re fighting over killing an alien…. cig man doesn’t want to do it, so he tosses a coin. so he makes deep throat do it?!?! deep throat says that this is their new enemy. honestly, the sad little alien does not look like he can hurt you, but okay.

(i mean, do they really need the gun? he’s an alien on life support, just pull the plug)

oh…. cig man rips the bandage off his neck as deep throat climbs into some gear to… gas the alien? now what is the significance of this bandage that has been on his neck but ONLY for part three of the story?

that alien is creepy. deep throat really does shoot the damn thing. and cig man lights up while this goes down. is every cigarette one dude he killed….? damn. that’s like 5 packs a day….

“part 4: the x-files”

OOOO, info on scully being brought in!!!

OMG!!! we see parts of her thesis.

did we know she went to the university of maryland? well, i didnt, so that counts as a…

! SCULLY LORE REVEAL ! she graduated from the university of maryland in 1986!

(looking back, i realize this was all flashback stuff from the pilot. but i didn't KNOW at the time that this show would do such things to me, so i wasn't taking detailed notes! wow! how much has changed)

but it’s cancer man reading her thesis. stay away from her!

okay, now we’re back to one of the earliest times we ever saw scully, in her pilot episode fit. and was cig man actually there in the pilot? i think he was, right?

aww, we get to relive the “FBI’s most unwanted” moment through cancer man’s listening. it’s creepy, but still a heartwarming time.

back to the modern day- frohike is talking about how cancer man is “the most dangerous man alive”, because he believes these actions are all that life allows him, and he can never escape himself. damn. that’s deep.

and then back to the 1991 christmas eve scene… an editor loved CSM's book! he used the pen name “raul bloodworth”… have we heard that before? well, i’ll keep an eye out on various shelves. so he calls the number they gave him… he is desperate for validation… and he’s going on about how he wants the cover to look. there’s a cutting comment about “working with young authors”, and the publisher says he’ll have to “relinquish some control”. and cancer man is SO excited.

oh my gosh… wait, why am i lowkey emotional now? but that emotion is very specifically second hand embarrassment.

so he’s typing his RESIGNATION LETTER?? for the day the story gets published. for some reason he thinks that getting one story published = a life of steady income. HAH! if only.

he even takes a wistful look at his cigarettes and crushes them in his hand!!! wow, a time to begin again.

lmao i see a reference to darin morgan in the background magazines… do not think you are slick, props team!

CSM’s going to go pick up his story from a newspaper… and his story was published in a porno… and they changed his ending… 

this is NOT a good thing omg

and the newspaper salesman says that the magazine is garbage…

we just watched his dreams die in real time. and with the magazine, he buys another pack of cigarettes. damn. no chance for a new life, i guess. 

CSM’s now monologing about how life is like a box of chocolates (disappointing), and this is an interesting juxtaposition, because he is next to a man who is digging through garbage while he says all this, so clearly his material status could be a lot worse but it’s probably a mental prison, being rich and important and also sad.

Frohike clarifies that this CSM theory is based on a story he read, but he’s going to check with some hackers. as frohike walks out the door, cancer man mumbles that he can kill him whenever he pleases, but chooses not to do so today. 

woah… very different, but i actually really liked this episode!

i liked getting a peek into the mystical lore surrounding CSM, but also it wasn’t THAT much of a peek, you know? we know a few of the things he did, and that he did them in the name of fighting communism. i guess when he thought that communism was “defeated” they switched to aliens, but also aliens had to be there the whole time, because they did make the agreement about it after ww2. so he’s been up to a lot of stuff.

do i feel a little bad that he can’t get his writing published? yeah, but like i said in a “it’s cringey” kinda way, which i think was the intention. it’s funny that he has amassed all this power but is still a flop. 

like i said, i feel weird about the whole MLK thing. i think the coloring going black and white was to illustrate CSM's black and white thinking, about how you are either right or wrong, and to be wrong requires punishment, no matter what anyone else says on the matter. that was interesting.

hmm, i'm pondering. what will happen next to our smoky- well, i was going to say "our smoky friend", but we are not friends at all, are we? where will our tobacco-filled creep lead us?

i liked this one! it was really different from the traditional episode structure, so it felt special and nice. i liked getting an idea of his line of work and how he got involved with it and why, even if the killing post-Bay of Pigs thing was weird, but i GUESS it did bring the soviets and cuba closer together, so i GUESS if you thought anything that advanced communism had to be avenged, you would think that is a logical conclusion.

hmm, i can't afford to try and figure out who actually did it IRL! too much on my plate. it's an interesting theory... i shall have to give it a long contemplation.

[lvrsparadise]

'CIGARETTES OUT THE WINDOW' - M.S

synopsis - When she has a tough time with quitting her addiction.

warnings! - Smoking, mentions of depression, self-esteem issues(implied), profanity, I think that's all.

A/N - I don't know what came over me, but I just got a REALLY good idea. Or at least I think it's good. Anywho, enjoy! ♡

God. I didn't want to do this. I shouldn't be doing this. Why am I doing this?

But yet, here I stand, in the nearest shitty gas station I could find, buying a pack of cigarettes.

I send a tight-lipped smile at the cashier as I grab the bag of snacks and the pack of cigarettes. I make my way out of the gas station, and I walk a good few blocks, headed to the city.

I can feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, but I could care less. I know who it is, and I should answer it, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

I make it to a somewhat secluded area that has a billboard, a few benches, and an abandoned food cart. No one's here. Not surprising, considering it's the middle of the night and it's wet and humid from the rain we've been getting.

I sigh as I plop down on the bench and set the bag next to me. I look at the billboard to see an advertisement for some fitness company. I shake my head softly as I rummage through the bag and grab the pack of cigarettes.

I just stare at them, in my hand. I take a deep breath before opening it. I grab one out and grab my lighter from my pocket. I hold the cigarette to my lips and light it before taking a long drag.

I look at the full moon as I exhale all of the smoke. It's almost satisfying watching the cloud of smoke leave my lips and into the night sky. I feel a familiar burn in my chest at the sensation, but it's nothing new.

I take another drag, this one shorter. I hold it for a few seconds before exhaling it all out slowly. Watching the light from the streetlamp next to me illuminate it.

After a couple long drags, I put the cigarette out. Throwing it out into the street at my feet.

I sigh as I pull my phone out of my pocket. Looking at the screen, I see multiple text notifications from one contact.

Matt's contact.

I grab the bag of snacks from next to me and stand up. I shove the box of cigarettes in my pocket along with my phone and lighter before I start walking back to Matt's house.

I had originally gone to the gas station for snacks for all of us so we could watch a movie. I mean, I did get the snacks. But I couldn't help it. I know I'm trying to quit, but it's hard.

----

I make it back to Matt's house. I take a few deep breaths before I walk in the door. I immediately hear a 'yay she's back' from the living room. Probably from Chris.

I slip my shoes off before walking up the stairs and into the living room. I set the bag down on the coffee table and excuse myself for a moment.

I walk to Matt's bathroom and look at myself in the mirror.

I sigh before grabbing my spare toothbrush and some toothpaste and brush my teeth. Hoping to get rid of the taste and smell of cigarette smoke.

I dry my hands and walk back to the living room.

"So, what are we watching?"

"I want to watch Let It Shine."

I shrug and see the looks of agreement from Matt and Nick.

I take my seat next to Matt on the chase of the couch in the far corner of the room.

The movie starts and we're all just watching in silence.

----

About halfway through the movie, Nick retreats to his room, saying he's tired.

Once the movie finished Chris went to his room, probably to get on his game or something. Me and Matt clean up a little before heading to his room.

"You do know I can smell it on your shirt." I hear him say as he shots the door.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is, I can smell the cigarette smoke on your shirt. Why'd you do it?" I sit down on the foot of his bed, him sitting next to me.

His voice is soft and loving. I know he's not being mean. But I can't help but feel sad. Sad at the fact I was caught. And sad that I even bought the cigarettes in the first place.

I can feel the lump in my throat, making it hard to speak. I shrug.

"I don't know." My voice strained and quiet. I feel a few stray tears slide down my cheeks.

His hand is on my back, rubbing up and down in calming motions. I can feel his gaze.

"I guess I just needed an escape or something. I shouldn't have done it, but I did." Tears evident in my voice. His hand moves to my shoulder, pulling me to him.

I rest my head on his shoulder, his head leaning on mine.

"It's going to be okay. I promise." I hear him whisper before he presses a kiss to my head. Sending more tears down my face.

"I love you Matt. I love you so much."

"I love you too. More than you think. That's why it's hard for me to see you like this."

We sit like that until I stop crying. Once the tears have dried, we sit up and he takes my head in his hands, pulling me in for a kiss.

We separate and move to lay in his bed. We situate ourselves before getting closer to one another. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me to him. He rests his head on my chest, and I run my fingers through his hair.

I fall asleep with a small smile on my face. Thanks to him, I no longer feel so drained.

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[mysticpetals]

When we were young (1)

Pairing — Jake × f!mc (Syianne Langford)

Genre — Hogwarts!au, (reluctant) friends to lovers, humor, fluff

Word count — 1.5k

Summary — Jake and Syianne had known each other since their first year, but growing up has changed their relationship and not for the better. While one of them tries to save it, the other doesn't want anything to do with it. Whatever will they do?

Notes — so! I'm back with a Jake fic after 7372862 years lol this is honestly not my best work and I hope you guys can ignore any discrepancies in there. Hopefully, you'll enjoy it 💖 p.s I'm a Slytherin myself ;)

It was a well known fact in Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry that every Slytherin needed a Hufflepuff.

The mostly brooding house members get a bad reputation because of the work of previous students in Slytherin and that's why, it was an unspoken rule amongst the Hufflepuffs that they'd all befriend at least one Slytherin so that no one feels alone at the magical school. Because no matter which house they belonged to, no one deserves to feel as if they're not wanted.

And while the houses were much more comfortable and united with each other after the defeat of Voldemort, some stigmas ran too deep to be ignored so easily.

Jake knew this. Had known it ever since he sat down at the Slytherin table after his sorting and the older students mentioned that they'd be greeted enthusiastically by the Hufflepuffs and not to be put out by this. They'd be getting a friend for life after all, one that won't discriminate against them because of the colors they wore.

He just didn't expect his Hufflepuff to be a cheerful, bubbly and overly optimistic girl, Syianne Langford.

Don't get him wrong, he really appreciated having a friend right from the beginning of his journey at Hogwarts. It had seemed like a godsend at first, considering how shy and antisocial he tended to be. And Syianne was nice, she really was. It was just…..she was too nice. He couldn't understand how a person could be so happy at all times and as much as he appreciated her, he also didn't like spending a lot of time with her. It was confusing in the beginning, to say the least, how he could hold a civil conversation with her one day and then didn't speak to her again for two.

Now in his fifth year, he wished he had gotten anyone else other than her as he watched her enter the Potions classroom and scan the room for him. His attempts to hide himself by ducking his head seemed to not have worked as he heard her quick steps come towards him, sliding on the stool next to him.

"Hello, Jake!"

Merlin, how was she so loud? And why? It was only 11 am, and he just wanted to go to sleep. But of course, his Hufflepuff was the human embodiment of sunshine and he sighed, lifting his head and giving Syianne a strained smile.

"Hello, Syianne. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing good! I'm so excited for herbology today, I heard Professor Sprout is going to let us handle the venomous tentacula!" She chirped, practically bouncing on her stool, which teetered uncertainty. She had a wide smile on her face and Jake almost felt bad for what he was about to say.

"Why are you happy about coming in contact with a poisonous plant? One that could kill you?" He scrunched his face, not liking Herbology or the hazardous greenhouses they had to study in. They were too bright and colorful for his taste.

Syianne's eyes dimmed a little and she pouted, narrowing her eyes.

"You could at least pretend to be excited. The plant is actually very sweet once you get to know her," she grumbled and Jake looked at her in disbelief and something akin to horror.

"Her? Are you—"

"Good morning class! Let's begin today's lesson shall we?"

The Professor entered the classroom and they began the lesson. Jake would have thought that Syianne would be cross with him after he insulted her precious plants but to his chagrin, she was back to her usual self and talked to him all throughout the lesson, with him giving less than enthusiastic responses to her rapid questions. By the end of the lesson, Jake's hands were tired from stirring the potion and his ears were about to fall off.

He finally heaved a sigh of relief when the Professor said that they could leave and continue making it in the next class. He practically tossed his books in the bag and got up from his seat when a hand caught his wrist. He swivelled around to frown at Syianne who only smiled in return.

"We have Herbology next, let's go walk together?" She asked and he thought of various reasons he could use to get out of it but in the end, nodded wearily, getting a blinding smile from the girl in return.

"Great, let's go!"

The walk to Herbology greenhouses was rather pleasant. Syianne didn't speak as much, taking in the sight of the large grounds and Jake had a minute to himself. He was thinking that if it was like this all the time, he could get used to Syianne's company, before his thoughts were interrupted by Syianne grabbing his arm and yanking him towards herself.

He stumbled and almost fell onto her but at the last minute, held onto her shoulders to avoid the both of them tumbling to the ground. He raised his head to angrily berate her but froze realising how close they were to each other. Jake, never being one for close physical contact, blushed furiously, his cheeks turning the color of Griffindor's flag and sputtered, releasing her shoulders and stepping aside.

"Wh-why did you do that?" He cleared his throat but didn't have to wait for an answer as Richy Rogers, a Ravenclaw, swooshed past them on his broom, laughter ringing behind his wake and Professor McGonagall's angry voice telling him to 'come back here at once!'.

Jake turned to Syianne, awkwardly trying to thank her for saving him but she just shook her head with a smile.

"Come on, we're friends. It's what we do for each other," she said and then continued on towards the greenhouses.

Jake felt a little silly afterwards. Since growing up, he had even less interest in talking to anyone and usually remained by himself or occasionally with his half sister Lilly. He began to distance himself from Syianne, who he used to spend some time with earlier but now it was only when they had classes together. He decided that he'd try to be a little more civil with the girl who was still trying to save their friendship. He didn't have to constantly be around her but he'll try not to give dry answers in response to her never-ending questions.

The Herbology classroom was filled with nervous students with a few excited exceptions and Jake found himself stepping back when Professor Sprout placed a writhing tentacula on their table. Syianne looked like Christmas had come early as she watched the plants arms slither around the table, trying to find something to latch onto.

"Today you'll be collecting three leaves from your respective plants for your Potions inventory. These plants are still babies but that doesn't mean they can't hurt you. Be careful not to let them sting you, you'll be out for days if it happens. You can use a stunning charm to stun them and collect the leaves. Now please begin!"

Jake had even less of a desire to do anything after hearing Professor Sprout's words but Syianne was all for it, wearing her dragon hide gloves and looking at him.

Jake sighed and wore his gloves, carefully stepping towards the plant. He took out his wand to perform the stunning spell when Syianne came between him and the plant, cooing and stroking it's vines. He faltered, looking at her in disbelief as she baby talked the plant and to his surprise, the plant calmed down and stopped moving.

"How are you doing that?" He couldn't help but ask and she turned to him with a grin.

"They're babies, aren't they? So I'm just calming them down. We won't have to stun them that way. Here, you try!" She stepped aside to allow him to tackle the plant but he immediately shook his head.

"No, I'm good."

"Nonsense, it won't bite."

But alas, Jake's luck for the day seemed to have run out because as soon as Syianne stopped touching the plant, it started writhing like before and one of it's vines immediately wrapped around Jake's arm, tightening around it. Before Jake could stun him, the vines yanked him forward and his stomach collided with the corner of the table, knocking all breath out of him. He fell to his knees, wincing as the thorns cut his arm.

Just as suddenly as it had happened, Jake felt the vines release his arm and Professor Sprout leaning over him, with Syianne at his side, looking at him worriedly.

Efforts to reconcile be damned, he didn't even want to see her face right now.

"I'm afraid we might have to go to the hospital wing, dear. And don't worry about your assignment, I'm sure Syianne will manage by herself," Professor Sprout said, lifting him up and Syianne nodded rapidly at her words.

Gritting his teeth, he sent her a sharp look, making clear his dislike and took grim satisfaction in the fact that her face fell and she wasn't smiling anymore.

[maplecornia]

chapter 8

𝔴𝔬𝔯𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱: 3.23K

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | bts x female!reader | ot7

𝔰𝔲𝔪𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔶: You watched them from the sidelines ever since you were a young teenage girl. Now you’re grown up, they’ve returned after 2 long years and everything has changed. What happens when you pull back the mask and find the darkness within? What happens when you see that they’re broken?

𝔞/𝔫: i'm sorry, but i AM SO PROUD OF THE BANNER I DID FOR THIS CHAPTER

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: cliffhangers | angst | fluff | slight mentions of self hatred | depression | mental health illness | self harm | occurs in the year 2024 | set in a timeline where BTS went to the military together | slight language

tags:@kookaine |@fangirl125reader |@kookiebbyxx |@taradevonne

Kim Taehyung never thought he’d see you again.

He presses himself against the wall, petrified. Heart pounding in his throat. His stomach clenching and tying itself into a knot. His breath coming fast, he wonders if he's hallucinating.

He wonders if this is just a dream.

If he drank a bit too much last night.

Even though he only drank grape juice last night.

Even though he remembers the way Jimin kicked him out of bed this morning.

Nevertheless, he can't help wondering if he is somehow imagining this.

Because you can't be here right now. You just can't, it's too much of a coincidence.

Your face flashing into his mind, he tries to shake it away. Tries to reassure himself that he was just hallucinating, that you aren't here. But as he looks around the corner, and sees you staring at Jungkook in horror at what you had done, he knows that this is real.

Inwardly, he smiles thinking to himself, She is like this with everyone.

For some reason this makes his heart constrict in pain and he pauses to take in your face.

You have broken out of your trance, and are offering the towel to Jungkook with a sweet smile on your face.

The same way you smiled at him before.

Part of him wants to walk over there, and say hello. But another part, a larger part, feels as though that would do no good.

After all, he's already met you.

And you didn't recognize him.

Looking away almost sadly, he rests his head back against the wall, cursing himself.

How could he be so stupid? Normally he doesn't feel this way, normally he can keep these feelings in check.

Why should it matter to him if you look really pretty today? Why should he care if your quirkiness is adorable? Why should it bother him if you're talking to another guy? Why should he care that its Jungkook, of all people?

What should it matter to him?

He’s only met you once so how could he have all these complicated feelings already?

The sad truth is, that he does have these feelings.

And he doesn't know what to do with them. After all, you don't even remember him. And even if you did, you wouldn't know that it was him. You didn't even recognize him as he was standing there, mere feet away from you on the Hangang bridge.

He can still remember that moment. As he watched you, a strange girl, hop out of a taxi in the middle of the bridge. How you didn't even notice him standing there, watching with confused amusement. He can still feel the impact as you fell on top of him, in a tangle of arms and legs. The heartbeat in his ears as you rolled off of him and ended up mere inches from him on the ground.

And he can still remember the feeling that erupted in his chest as your eyes met.

Groaning, he runs his hand over his face before almost reluctantly peeking around the corner again. He watches as you hand Jungkook the coffee can and smile up at him brightly, the same way you smiled at Tae once before.

He tries to ignore the harsh tightening of his chest as he watches the encounter. He tries to tell himself that it doesn't bother him, that you are nothing to him.

Just a sweet stranger.

Just someone who brightened his life unlike it's ever been before.

At that thought, he finds himself unwilling to let you smile at anyone else except for him. Of course, you can smile at anyone the way you like. After all, to you, he’s no one, just a man who gave you his beret on a whim.

A man who didn't even tell you his name.

As Jungkook leaves, waving after you, Taehyung turns away. Behind the safety of his corner, he tries to build up his courage, ]to walk out there and meet you, face to face.

No mask, no lies, nothing between you two except who you are and how you feel.

But just as he steps out of his hiding space, taking a deep breath, someone taps him on the shoulder, causing him to let out a startled yelp.

The entire lobby turns to look his way at the sound, and he just barely manages to hide behind the corner before you look his way in curiosity.

Taehyung doesn't have to look to know that the one who hijacked his plan is Park Jimin.

He waits behind Taehyung smirking in amusement at his best friend's reaction. As he opens his mouth to say something, Taehyung places his hand expertly over Jimin's mouth, silencing all sound. Startled, Jimin’s eyes widen and he tries to speak, but all that results is incomprehensible muffled sounds from beneath Taehyung’s blockade.

Giving Jimin a harsh look, Taehyung motions for him to shut up. Jimin pouts in response before rolling his eyes as Tae frantically scans the room for you.

Spying you in the same place as before, he watches as you study the forms on the clipboard once more before heading to a seat in the small waiting room near the entrance. As soon as you sit down, behind a small clear wall, Taehyung lets out a relieved breath, sure that you won't notice him now.

He releases Jimin, who was once more struggling in Tae’s secure hold. Jimin backs up, gasping overdramatically for air. Taehyung rolls his eyes affectionately before shoving his friend lightly on the shoulder.

“Stop it.” Taehyung sighs, crossing his arms across his chest. “I hardly even touched you.”

Jimin pauses, like a cat caught in the middle of mischief. After looking side to side a bit guiltily, he straightens chuckling a bit to himself.

“Sorry, I couldn't help myself,” Jimin explains, and Taehyung rolls his eyes before turning around once more and staring at you.

He watches as you push back your hair, tucking it securely behind your ears so that it's out of the way. He smirks a bit at the gesture, finding it hilarious that no matter what you do, your hair can't seem to stop falling in front of your eyes. You're annoyed by it at first, but after a while, it becomes a habit for you to push it back out of your face.

“Who is that?” Tae jumps at the sound of Jimin's voice so close to his ear. As he turns on him suddenly, Jimin withdraws coolly from where he was previously peering curiously over Taehyung’s shoulder. He raises his eyebrow as Tae’s ears turn bright pink.

“What are you talking about?” he hisses, pushing Jimin back behind the safety of the corner wall. “I wasn't looking at anyone.”

Jimin raises an eyebrow, confused.

“Yes, you were. You were looking at that girl, right over there.” He says, a bit too loudly for Taehyung's liking, as he pokes his head around the corner, and points your way. Frantically, Taehyung grabs Jimin's arm, shoving it down to his side before dragging Jimin once more behind the wall.

“Will you stop it? I told you I wasn't looking at her, so please stop drawing attention to yourself!” Taehyung hisses and Jimin blinks a bit stunned.

Taehyung normally doesn't act like this.

He's normally much more easygoing. Normally, whenever Jimin is acting a bit obnoxious, Taehyung joins in. For some reason, however, today is not one of those days.

As Taehyung looks around the corner once more, Jimin stares at him in perplexed curiosity.

“Okay, fine, you weren't looking at her,” Jimin says, and Taehyung lets go of him almost in relief.

If anyone were able to read through Tae’s feelings, it would be Jimin.

Sometimes it's annoying how much the two of them know each other, sometimes it's reassuring knowing that you will always have that one person on your side even when no one else is.

Either way, all Tae knows is that he cannot let Jimin know his conflicting emotions.

Not when Taehyung doesn't know or make sense of them himself.

He resumes scouting out the area once more, watching as you finish one page and head onto another. You tilt your head back, exasperated with how long that took, and let out a tired sigh. Taehyung finds his heart warming up at the cute and funny way you wear every emotion on your sleeve, and smiles at your little sigh.

Jimin pokes his head over Tae’s shoulder once more, squinting his eyes at you. As soon as he gets a good look at your face, you turn to glance out the little window that lets you see into the entrance where you entered the building not too long ago.

Jimin’s eyes widen at the sight of your bright eyes and he lets out a sharp intake of breath.

Tae turns to him, confused as Jimin steps back, pulling out his phone and scrolling through his recent downloads in his camera roll.

“Jimin? What are you doing?” Jimin doesn't answer Tae’s question until he finds his prize and turns to him, excited.

“Look,” Jimin demands, shoving the screen into Tae’s face. Rolling his eyes, Taehyung patiently takes it from him and peers down at the phone closely. As soon as he sees the picture Jimin has shown to him, his eyes widen the same way and he spins on his heel to take another look at you once more. He compares the photo to you, over and over again before confirming that it is you.

The same photo Jaejin sent to RM earlier this morning.

“Where did you get this?” Taehyung asks, showing Jimin the photo almost accusingly as though Jimin hasn't seen it before. Jimin scoffs, taking the phone away from Taehyung and glancing at the picture himself, doing the same comparison game as Tae had.

“It's her, right?” Jimin asks, Tae letting out an impatient sigh.

“Yes.” He answers. “But how did you--”

“RM sent it to me.” Jimin's voice is calm, sly almost. As though he has a secret waiting to be spilled, and he’s going to hold on to it long enough for Tae to spill his own.

Surprised, Tae doesn't speak for a moment, just watching Jimin as he slowly turns around to him, a smirk on his face.

“Don't you want to know how he got it?” he teases, and Tae, quickly noticing Jimin’s game, shakes himself out of his surprise running his hands through his hair.

“I….” he trails off, trying to find an answer that will satisfy the question but also keep his secret safe. His connection to the strange girl, the way they met, and every unspeakable, inexplainable thing that she has done to his heart. He can't let Jimin know.

Nobody can know.

Luckily, Jimin isn't planning to hold it in for much longer. He was never one for keeping secrets that weren't his own. He smiles, shoving Taehyung lightly on the shoulder as he moves down the hallway.

“Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.” He murmurs, heading towards the elevator where he came from. Almost reluctantly, Taehyung turns away from you and follows Jimin in panic.

“What are you talking about? Tell anyone what?” he asks, jogging to catch up to Jimin.

“That you have a crush on Namjoon's new assistant.” Jimin teases, turning to him and smirking up at Taehyung.

“She’s RM’s new assistant?” Tae wonders softly, before catching himself and shaking his head violently. “Wait….I don't have a crush on her!”

Jimin snorts as they reach the elevator doors and he presses the button before waiting patiently for the doors to open.

“Then why were you staring at her?” he asks, and Tae sighs in frustration. Jimin has the wrong idea.

There’s no possible way for anyone to start loving another person from just one encounter. There is no such thing as love at first sight, that's just people trying to justify being happy with the one they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives for. It's a phrase people use to fool themselves into thinking that there is some sort of destiny for them to end up with another.

Taehyung doesn't believe in that, he never has. However, he doesn't know if Jimin will understand his interest in you. Tae doesn't think Jimin will understand the connection he felt when he first met you. When he first talked to you. He doesn't think anyone will.

“I….” He begins, Jimin raising an incredulous eyebrow as he waits for the answer.

“I just thought her outfit was cute and was curious as to who she was. You know, maybe I could talk to her. Welcome her, make a new friend.” Taehyung spits out a bit too fast. Though Jimin doesn't quite seem to buy it, he looks away, nodding his head.

“Okay, I’ll believe you, but I still think there’s something else going on with you.” Jimin consents, the ding of the elevator doors opening and capturing his attention for a moment.

“What are you talking about? Nothing is going on.” Taehyung ponders, sidestepping to the side, as a few staff members walk out of the elevator.

Jimin and Taehyung bow respectfully, the staff doing the same before they take their place inside the elevator. The doors closing, Jimin responds, reaching to press the floor number they want to take.

“Yes, there is. You're acting especially weird today, and I suspect it has something to do with that girl.” Tae opens his mouth to respond, but Jimin holds up his hand, cutting him off. “Before we get into a fight about it, I’m just going to say I’m not going to assume anything, okay? If you say nothing is going on, I’ll believe you. But Taehyung, you know you can trust me right?”

“Of course!” Taehyung answers almost immediately.

It's the truth, he knows he can trust Jimin. He knows that his friend is probably the most reliable person to trust. Jimin knows Tae inside out, front to back, they are connected in the most intricate ways possible. Taehyung does not doubt that if there's someone he needed to place his life in the hands of, it would be Jimin. It wouldn't be that difficult, after all, Jimin already holds his heart, his soul, his life. They are just that close, a different kind of brotherly love, one that not many people understand.

This, however, is uncharted territory in Taehyung's body, and if Taehyung can't make sense of it, then how can his soulmate do the same?

This...this is something different.

“Trust me, Jimin. Nothing is going on. I'm just curious.” Taehyung reassures him, and Jimin nods, a moment of silence shortly following. Taehyung can tell Jimin doesn't quite believe him, and Jimin knows that he’s not getting the whole truth.

It’s strange, they normally tell each other everything, no matter how big or small.

Jimin doesn't understand why now would be any different. What could be so special about that girl that Taehyung would keep something from him?

What is it about her that Jimin wouldn't understand?

Shaking his head out of his dangerous thoughts, Jimin clears his throat and smiles, shaking his phone in front of Taehyung once more.

“You never answered me.” He starts, the beginning of a chuckle awaiting deep in his throat. Taehyung turns to him from staring out into space, looking confused.

“What?”

“Didn't you want to know how RM got this picture?” Jimin asks once more, and Tae smiles, before nodding, and settling next to Jimin against the wall of the elevator.

Jimin smiles, once more comfortable with the person he trusts the most in all the world before pulling up the picture once more. Both of them snort as they see it, the expression on your face causing them to smile.

“Who even makes a face like that when they eat?” Tae comments and Jimin chuckles softly, tapping the picture with a small finger as a thought comes to his mind.

“It kind of reminds me of Suga, when he ate that huge bite of salad. Do you remember?” Jimin responds, glancing at Tae who nods as the image comes to mind, his huge box smile making Jimin burst out in laughter.

“Remember?! It's such an iconic moment that even ARMY’s remember it.” Tae responds, tilting the phone so he can peer closer at the picture. “Now that you mention it though, she does kind of look like him.”

Jimin and Tae erupt into laughter, hardly noticing the ding of the elevator as the doors slide open.

Glancing up, Jimin slides the phone into his pocket, hitting Tae lightly on the shoulder before they walk out of the elevator and down the hallway, heading for the meeting room where they’ll be meeting with the rest of BTS.

“Anyway, RM got it from Jaejin, his assistant manager.” Jimin continues, and Tae looks at him, surprised.

“Jaejin? Why would Jaejin be sending RM pictures of a girl? Is there something he’s not telling us?” Taehyung asks, half-joking, and Jimin laughs, shaking his head.

“No, Jae sent it to him because he and his girlfriend were invited to model for fashion week. They were called away for training and Jaejin told RM that his friend will be able to take his place until he is done.” Jimin explains and Taehyung nods, trying to ignore the sudden panic in his chest at the thought of working with you in the same building. Jimin shrugs when Taehyung doesn't say anything.

“That’s all I know, but I guess she’s going to be a part of the staff now, more or less. RM only got this picture so he would be able to recognize her when she came in. He's been waiting for her since 8 this morning.” Taehyung murmurs something incomprehensible as a response, not listening.

Once more, he finds himself distracted with thoughts of you.

He wants to know everything about you.

From the way you laugh to the way you cry, from your likes to your dislikes, and every different tone or volume your voice is capable of.

He wants to hear the innumerable amount of stories you must have. How you came to know Jaejin, and why you came to Korea in the first place.

He wants to study your face, memorize your expressions, be able to read you the same way he can read any one of the expressions of his fellow members.

He wants to be able to read your mind like Jimin can read his.

Like he can read everyone else’s.

But most of all, he wants to know you and only you.

Turning the corner, Jimin spies the door to the meeting room, opened slightly ajar, the rest of BTS already waiting for them. Jimin sort of bounces to the door, opening it for Taehyung, as he waits for Tae to catch up. Tae smirks, putting all thoughts of you out of his mind as best as he can.

Though he longs to build up the courage and speak to you without a mask covering his face, he knows that right now, that is not important. One day, maybe, he’ll be able to find out everything he wants to know. One day, maybe these feelings of his will be safe, understood.

Until then...

𝔫𝔬𝔱𝔢: this is one of my more favorite chapters hehe. oh, and whoever guessed that the man in the mask was tae, you get a cookie ;)

chapter 9 here

check the Infinite Stars masterlist for more chapters

check my BTS masterlist for other BTS content

check out my masterlist for other kpop fanfics

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Inej Ghafa x fem! insecure! Reader - Arms Of A Saint

A/n: I know this came out of no where but... Here it is! I promise that dancing eyes part 2 is coming out soon I just had an idea and I couldn't get it off my mind. Plus! Cause I just watched Cruella recently I will be making a Kaz Brekker fic based off of that ish!

Warnings: Body dysphoria, the reader thinks she's ugly, blood, guns, mentions of wounds, YOUR ALL BEAUTIFUL REMEMBER THAT!!! I think that's it? You have been warned!

Summary: You get the Wraith hurt, and your insecurities get the best of you

(image not mine)

You sighed and rested your forehead against the cool glass of the window. You considered bashing your head in too, maybe this feeling would go away then.

Tears started to build up in your e/c eyes and you couldn't stop them from falling down your face. Of course, you were crying - not being good enough fucking sucked.

Brushing your tears away angrily, you stomp over to your dresser. Why couldn't you just be good at your job? It would make everything so much easier if you could just be as good as the others. At least then you would be competent at something and your looks might not have mattered that much then.

You bring out a small bag and start shoving some clothes in the sac. More tears start to drip out of your eyes and you can't seem to stop them as you pack up everything (which is very little).

Stop being weak Y/n.

You hurry and run out the door with your bag in your hands. Your lucky it's a Sunday because most of the dregs would be out at the bar or on a job. You almost start running down the stairs but the window seems like the better option. And the Wraith wouldn't be out tonight.

That was completely your fault too.

Starting to climb out of the window and you land on the ground with a thump. You groan in pain, great you probably bruised your bone. Fucking fantastic.

You double-check you have everything and that your katanas are on your back. Tracking your path back towards the harbour where your boat would be there always waiting for you.

It always knew you were going to run back to it. You always did, in the end.

You were blind, naive even. You've always been running your entire life, running from your abusive parents. Running from sick men, running from your insecurities. You were good at it too, Inej may have been good a disappearing in plain sight but you could travel across the world and no one would be able to find you again even if they had the exact coordinates to where you were.

Inej, oh Inej.

Leaving your friends was going to be hard, but leaving Inej? You almost wept at the idea. She was your moonlight, yet she was your sunrise. Your moonrise, your little nickname for her.

She was always so amazing but you never envied her, no. You embraced her and all that she was, her bad parts and her good parts, Inej Ghafa was a saint if you ever saw one.

And the fact that you love her may also be another reason.

You run down the harbour trying to reach your boat before anyone would catch you. Although you did have a seeking suspicion that they would be secretly glad you left. No one screws up as many times as you do, and this was just the breaking point because you screwed up big time.

You had nearly gotten the Wraith killed.

You were with the Crows on a simple job, get inside the house that had ten security guards and kill the sleeping man and get out. Simple. Really you wondered why Kaz even needed the crows for this one.

Then how did it go so wrong?

You were all running, they knew you were going to be there but they didn't even double their guards. No, they thought someone was going to be there, singular. Nevertheless, they still knew. So you kill the sleeping man, you all are running but as it turns out what they told you was true. As soon as you would kill that dense man they would (try) and kill the Wraith.

They almost did.

Two bullets landed in her chest, it's a miracle she survived really. Plus that was three days ago and no one would talk to you, you had realized then that you had to leave. What were you worth if they couldn't trust you? You remembered the harsh words they had said, and you don't blame them Inej is their best friend. That didn't mean it hurt any less.

"What will happen the next time? And the time after that? You are suspended for a few weeks, we just can't trust you to do the rational thing as of right now."

Ouch.

"Y/n?"

You whip your head around and you go to reach for the katanas on your back but then your eyes land on Inej.

Your hands fall from your back and you can't meet her eyes. How could you? Not while you were going to leave to the only person who could even come close to a living saint. Fuck Alina Starkov no one could ever beat Inej Ghafa. But that's not why you love Inej Ghafa and there would never be one reason, but hundreds that you could list off for all of eternity if you wanted to.

Unfortunately, you didn't have that type of time, did you?

"What are you doing?"

Your eyes finally meet her and your breath catches inside your throat. The moonlight shines on her skin making her look like she's glowing and it accentuates her eyes making them look like they're dancing moons.

Like you yell to the world every night, a living saint.

Quickly you look down again not wanting to have to see her face when you break it to her.

"Leaving." It's one word with two syllables but it still makes tears come to your eyes. Or maybe it's just the person you telling it to. But you force the tears down but you don't even bother with the neutral 'I don't care' face. Your not Kaz Brekker and Inej would see right through that. Maybe that's why you always liked her, she could understand you.

To a point obviously.

"That's all? You're leaving and that's all your going to say to me! Leaving!"

You throw your hands up in the air. "Well, I can't stay here! Not in Ketterdam! I almost got you killed. You don't come back from that! I just can't bear the thought that-" You cut yourself off not being physically able to finish the sentence. How could you not though? You had to make her understand why.

"That maybe next time you would be gone, and it would be because of me."

Shock adorns her face. "You see why now? I can't stay! Everyone is already mad at me as it is! I just am tired of not being enough and getting people killed."

You take a deep breath trying to steady your breathing. "And I would be damned if you got caught up in my web of screw-ups, you don't need that." You shake your head to put emphasis on your words. "It would only get you killed and the world needs Inej Ghafa."

"By the saints Y/n! What the fuck are you talking about!"

Jumping startled at her outburst you realize then she might not just let you go like you were hoping for.

Well... Shit.

Honestly, this was not part of the plan.

"Of course you're enough for our little group of friends! Your a valuable team member who can slice people in half, and no one has the same knowledge of ancient to new languages as you! You blend in so well in a crowd it's scary! But we don't just keep you around because your good for jobs you brighten everyone's day by taking time for all of us, we need you!" Inej sighs and takes a step forward. She takes her hands into mine.

"I need you."

You breathe out a stuttering breath as she says the words. I need you. Although the words brought fields of hope into your heart, the doubt was still in the back of your mind, why would she need you? And for sure the Crows didn't want or definitely need you! But Inej wouldn't lie!

"I think-" You take in a breath and look straight into her eyes. Her eyes are the night sky. They're brown almost black but they have flickers of light like the stars in the Zemni farms. It hits you with full force and you nearly stumble over. You force yourself to look and pull away from her arms and those beautiful eyes.

"I don't think you get it Inej."

"Then explain it to me."

You close your eyes. How could you explain it to her? That every moment you look in the mirror and you feel disgusted with yourself. That you feel like your skills could never match with the ones of your friends?

"I'm just not enough, okay! I look at myself and I see these tiny flaws and they slowly just get bigger, and bigger. And every time I attempt to make them go away it just gets worse!"

You let out a choked-on-sob laugh. "And then my useless skills! Don't even get me started on that! Maybe looks don't matter that much, and I can suffice without looking even a bit fucking pretty but my 'talents' made up for that! But I look around at everyone else and I just can't seem to see why anyone ever keeps me around!"

Tears finally fall from your eyes as you sob and your knees wobble and they go to give out, but Inej catches you.

"I wouldn't lie Y/n, you are my everything."

The words were simple, yet they held so much weight of what they actually meant.

"You will always be enough for me."

And the Saint takes you into her arms.

Words 1605

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Shadow and bone taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien

(I do not own six of crows or shadow and bone!)

[kozu-chan]

synopsis: keeping up with a society that expects you to be perfect is exhausting in every way possible. you're lucky enough to have found someone who relates to navigate this brutal world with.

content warnings: fem! reader, cursing, insults, bullying if you squint, mentions of insecurity, a bit of fighting, mentions of mental health, and sakusa might be ooc but that's just to make the arguments a little more dramatic.

sour masterlist

growing up, you were a perfectionist. although this wasn't necessarily your fault, was it? at the young age of four, your parents discovered that you were, and maybe still are, gifted with talent for music. this led to years of guitar, piano, violin, flute, singing, and even harp lessons. throughout the years, you went through many concerts and hours upon hours of practicing your various instruments. this led you to attend the infamous itachiyama academy in high school and that was only the beginning of your troubles.

as a perfectionist, you dedicate yourself not only to your music, but to your studies as well. sadly, even you can't manage to balance school, music, sleep, and a social life and one of those things have to give due to your busy schedule, so you sacrifice your social life. sometimes you think that this was the wrong move because that just makes high school practically a living hell for you. that is, until about a week ago.

last week, you had a regular morning. you walk through the halls of your school and people do their best to avoid you, to not get in your way. however, that doesn't stop them from gossiping about you. "wow look at l/n. little miss perfect." "i dare you to talk to her!" "she's such an ice cold perfectionist." "i could never be friends with her. she's too serious." "does this bitch even have a life?" you ignore the comments as you make your way to your first class. sometimes you just want to yell at them to stop talking about you. to tell them how much it hurts you and how being such a perfectionist is exhausting. to let them know that their comments only add to how lowly you think of yourself. that you wish that you had even one friend because you feel so alone.

after school, you spend hours in the music room practicing a song you were thinking of performing, something self-written as a way of releasing your emotions. and once you think your practice is sufficient, you curl up against the wall and cry.

once your crying session is done, you get up and walk back to your dorm. on the way back, you see someone in the gym do an insane serve that slams down that just barely makes it in. you hear a groan of frustration followed by the oh so familiar sound of breath getting shaky due to crying. your gaze follows the sound to see the figure on the floor crying and your breath gets caught in your throat when you realize it's not just any player, but one of the top three aces in japan, sakusa kiyoomi.

"sakusa-san?" sakusa looks at you with what looks like a bit of fear but anger replaces his expression before you could confirm your suspicions. "what the fuck are you doing here? this is a private practice." his tone is cold, firm, and piercing. you could feel a chill run down your spine, but you ignore the feeling because other people, especially your parents, have been on the receiving end on your own tone that sounds just as menacing. the only indicator of crying being the red, slightly watery eyes that you can't help but sympathize with. "what are you staring at?" you snap out of your thoughts to respond to him. "i saw you on my way back to my room. i just happened to see you crying and i-"

sakusa sighs again in frustration. "and you what? just shut up and leave me alone!" "i just know what it's like, okay? you really think that you're the only one who's tired of not feeling good enough? the only one who's cried because you just want to get better but you don't see any improvement no matter how much you practice?" your voice is loud and yet on the verge of tears. you glace at sakusa, who now looks angrier but you don't care. "so sue me if i come off as a ice cold bitch who doesn't talk to anyone because i do anything and everything i can to be perfect even if i always fall short and sue me for sympathizing with you."

the room grows quiet, save for the sounds of your shaky breathing as you try your best to calm down before you actually start breaking down in front of him. it takes another few seconds before sakusa stands up and walks up to you. "l/n, right? yeah well you don't know me and you should just get out of my sight. you shouldn't be trying to get someone to stop crying if you're just going to cry yourself. just relax more." relax more? "that's rich coming from you." you're no longer crying and sakusa stops in his tracks.

"you're telling me to relax more when you don't seem to have any chill... ever. and let's not forget that your crying was what brought into the gym in the first place." you take a deep breath to calm yourself. "so... the gym is like your safe space, right?" sakusa doesn't answer, clearly exasperated and silently begging you to leave. "c'mon, sakusa-san! you can tell me!" you smile a little when he opens his mouth to talk, only to be disappointed by his response. "god, you're such an annoying bitch. go find someone else to bother!" you're disappointed but you're also persistent. after all, you are the one that figures out and teaches all the schoolwork you struggle with to yourself. "if it makes you feel better..." you sigh quietly and contemplate whether or not it was a good idea to expose yourself this much to someone you just started talking to. "if it makes you feel better, my room and the music rooms are my safe spaces." "it really doesn't. if anything, it just makes me feel even more pathetic!" a small smirk graces your features as you realize that you got him. "so this is your safe space? i didn't hear a denial!" sakusa rolls his eyes. "would you shut up already" "not until you admit it." he glares at you and you just look him dead in the eye, causing him to break (probably so you would shut up as he thinks you'll do if he admits it). "fine... the gym is my safe space... that you're encroaching on." you back away slightly because he was right. and you know that you would also be pissed as fuck if someone encroached on your safe space, especially while you were crying. "i'm sorry, i just wanted to help. but, maybe we could be each other's safe spaces?"

you mentally sigh in relief as sakusa looks just the slightest bit more comfortable upon hearing that. "i mean, you know what it's like so... i guess i wouldn't be opposed to that." the two of you give each other a small smile as you sit down a good length away from him. "god, it's brutal out here, huh?" sakusa lets out a small laugh and agrees.

"sakusa, are you really gonna go pro like they say you are?" sakusa looks at you for a second and nods. you even notice his eyes lighting up a little. "yeah, that's what i want. it's what i've wanted for as long as i could remember. i wouldn't work so hard for it and get so dirty if it wasn't my dream... what about you? are you going to become a musician?" now it's your turn to pause. you freeze up. it's been so long since someone's asked you what you wanted. "i... honestly? i don't know what i want anymore. it's been so long since i've been asked what i wanted. it's been so long since someone's seen me outside of the "little miss perfect" that everyone else sees... i don't know." you take a moment to recollect your thoughts. "i just hate the thought of disappointing people that i think i've lost myself in the process. i've been pursuing music for so long that it's familiar, it's instinct, and i can't see myself doing anything else because i haven't done anything else..." your voice gets quieter as you speak. this is the first time you've ever gotten a chance to voice out your thoughts to someone and your own revelations shock you.

"yeah, i think i'm getting there too. losing myself to satisfy everyone while trying to stay true to myself. after all, who am i if not exploited?" it takes a minute to digest the words that were so simple and yet so powerful, the six words that could be used to summarize your entire life. "it sucks, doesn't it? like all i did was try my best, and this is the kind of thanks i get? annoyance and isolation? awards and acknowledges of achievement but at what cost? my social life? my mental health? ... my identity?" sakusa looks like he's going to say something but you shoot him a look and his mouth closes to let you continue. "it's literally so fucking stupid! there's literally no actual reward for me anymore, nothing satisfying. it's all worthless - meaningless, even. sometimes i wish i could disappear..."

a small breath is sucked up and you turn to sakusa. "sorry that was heavy. i've just never had someone to talk to about this. at least not properly."

"i get it. i haven't really had a lot of people to talk to either. at least not that honestly. i'm glad we have each other now, because you were right. it is brutal out here and it's good that we can stick together now."

after that, no one really bothered you anymore and it was all thanks to your new friend and confidant.

a/n: sheesh this is one of the longest things i've written. i really hope you like it and i'm really sorry that i suck at endings!!

[nyeonisparks]

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST PT. 2

The grip on my throat was firm, breathing seemed out of the question. For once in my life, I was thankful for my uncanny strength. My hands instinctively clenched together, my body shifted on its own, I took a swing with enough intensity to at least get the man off of me. Blood gushed from my adversary. He covered his nose, his smirk never faltering. "You caught me off guard, normal people would instinctively grab their foes wrist, in hopes of them letting go."

"uck," I choked on my words, trying to breathe again. I staggered over to him, clearing my throat. He tilted his head to the side, glancing at me.

"Now, I'm gonna kick your smarmy little ass!" Stepping forward, I swung at him; however, he dogged my attack with incredible speed.

"And why do I need my ass kicked? You were the one who came into my home," He was right, I loathe violence, yet here I am, using it on someone who was just defending their own space. "Hehe, and you said I was the monster, but look at you, hurting an innocent man" no, he's wrong, I was defending myself, he was at my throat.

His eyes looked at me in a way no village had. There was no anger, no hate, no fear. For someone that had just gotten their nose punched in, he didn't seem too frightened of me. "Look, I'm sorry for intruding, I was just trying to escape the storm, and I'm also sorry for calling you a monster," I know how much it hurts to be called a monster too. He didn't say anything, it was almost like he had lost all interest in me. "Is your nose okay?" Even though I didn't start the fight, I felt guilty.

"I'm fine, you can leave now" His tone was bitter, he had turned his back on me,

"Sorry to be a bother but, I have no place to go," I had to swallow my pride and think rationally.

"That's not my problem," anger arose in me, but I held it back.

"Please, can you help me" He looked over his shoulder at me, his nose bleeding at the bridge, my knuckles had scraped off the skin. I felt judged by his eyes. He turned to face me again, walking closer, I was on guard this time, no way was I gonna fall for the same trick twice.

"Beg"

"Excuse me, I don't think I heard you right" I hope to god I didn't hear him right.

"Get on your knees, and beg," His voice was rigid, yet he wore a smile.

"No way in hell am I doing that!"

"Then leave, get eaten by wolves, starve to death for all I care," He shrugged his shoulders. I knew if worse came to worse, I could always go back to the village; however, I had abandoned my friends, I wouldn't be able to face them again, I would be too ashamed. I knelt down,

"Please... Please let me stay," I looked up for his approval. He seemed pleased.

"Good boy" It was faint, but I heard him loud and clear before I could protest, he spoke, "You can stay for the night."

"For tonight!" I shouted, "I have nowhere to go, what am I supposed to do tomorrow!?" He laughed

"Beg again," a low growl escaped me. Of course, the one place I stumbled upon had a sadist living in it with horns and goat feet, who is so kind as to let me stay one night, after begging. What is he, the devil's spawn? Or is he the devil himself?

"I'm Heiwajima Shizuo, I used to live in a village not far from here."

"What caused you to be thrown onto my doorstep?" the man asked.

I sighed,

"I have unnatural strength, when I was younger, I ran around destroying anything that pissed me off or using it to fight anyone who pissed me off" I inhaled deeply before I continued, letting my nerves cool down. "Then I met Tom-san, he was always so kind to me, he helped me pick up some tricks to calm me down, although he would get bullied by the other kids, so I beat them up. Now that we're older, it seems like all the villagers hate Tom just for being around me, I can't be a burden to him any longer." The man nodded along.

"So, you want to become my burden instead?"

"WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!" He shrugged

"I'm Orihara Izaya," His Arm stretched out, claws emerging like daggers.

"Oh, uh, nice to meet you" Izaya cupped my hand with both of his,

"Will you join me for dinner, I want to hear more about this power of yours" He tilted his hand with a smile. I

Nodded,

Izaya pointed up the stairs, I turned towards the direction. "There is a room on the left, have Saki take you there, I have work to do."

"Work, what kind o-"when I turned to face him, he was already gone.

I trudged up the long staircase, Izaya had descended from. His candelabra sat on the thick corner of the railing. I grasped the light source in my hand

"Ahh, not so hard!" it screeched, startling me. I looked more closely at the candelabra; the design was a girl holding the candles. "Your grip is too tight," she said.

"Oh, sorry," I loosen my hand a bit, "Is that better?"

"Yes, thank you, I'm Saki, by the way," So this was what Saki Izaya had mentioned. I introduced myself and asked about a room Izaya had told me about. Saki was happy to guide me down the dark hallway. With Saki by my side, the darkness shewed away.

"Do you know why the mirrors are smashed?" I asked,

"I can't say for sure," she smiled, but her eyes clouded with sadness. "Izaya-san must be happy you're here."

"Tsk, I don't think so, he told me I can only stay for tonight," Saki giggled, but didn't say anything else. "Why do you think he's happy I'm here?"

"He's lonely," She said,

At the end of the hallway stood a large wooden door, elegant designs were carved so nicely into the wood. A silver handle was dusted over. I opened the door, stepping into the room. A bed layout in front of me. It looked so cozy, and I was so tired. Even though I wanted to give in to sleep, I couldn't. Izaya had invited me for dinner, I didn't give a verbal response, but I had nodded in agreement.

"Dinner won't be ready for a while," Saki informed me.

"What am I supposed to do until then?"

"Read something, that's what I see Izaya-san do all the time."

"I don't know how... to read," I felt embarrassed, my face flushed, and I set Saki down on a nightstand.

"That's okay, Izaya-san can teach you" The thought of that left a bad taste in my mouth. There just is something off with this guy. I don't like him. I laid down in the bed, letting my limbs seek into the plush. Saki watched me from the nightstand. What am I supposed to do? I feel so trapped. Some time had passed, Saki told me to get changed into something more presentable for dinner. I did as I was told, in the room stood a wardrobe. I quickly changed, discarding my old rags for soft silks—a white button-down, with a black and red vest, and complementary slacks. Saki escorted me to the Dinner room. But it was more like me accompanying her as she told me directions. I was guided into a well-lit room, with a full dining table filled with food. Izaya sat at the head of the table. I seated myself beside him, setting Saki down on the table, Izaya glanced at her, and she did her best nod, then descended from the table with the help of a chair. Now it was just Izaya and me alone.

I served myself a plate of food and started eating, I didn't notice how starved I was. Izaya watched me scarf down my meal, not even touching his.

"Aren't you going to eat?" I asked

"I much rather watch you" Tremors ran down my spine, I shivered at these words. Why was this guy so weird? His claws tapped in a rhythm on the tabletop. I watched them intently, they looked trimmed and clean. "Do you like them?" His voice caught me off guard, and I quickly turned away.

"oh, uh, sorry, I didn't notice.." I trailed off, facing my attention towards him as he pulled on my hand,

"You can touch them if you want," he said. I took his hand into my own. Rubbing my thumb over his smooth nails. Their deep black color didn't stop at the nail, the darkness traveled till the bend of his fingers. As I kept looking, I noticed feathers prickled out at his wrist. His long sleeves encased the rest of his arm, but my curiosity made me long to see how far up his arm the feathers ran.

"They're pretty," I admitted. Izaya's beaming smile wasn't unusual, but what surprised me was when he rose from his chair and gripped the back of mine. "You know..." he lifted my chin up, enticing me with his somber eyes. "You're not so bad yourself," he purred, he was so close to me. My cheeks heated and I looked away,

"W-what are you doing" my voice was uneasy. Suddenly Tom's words came flooding back to me,

"until he became aware of his selfishness."

"Do you think I'm a fool.." my attention shifted to my lap, blonde lockes covering my heated face. I could feel him trying to tilt my head back towards him. Even though he’d lose this battle. He hummed "What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb with me, I get it now, why you let me stay, why you had me come to dinner, and why you're trying to kiss me… you think the curse will be lifted by a kiss? You really are selfish" The air went stiff. Pulling away he hissed out,

"How predictable," bearing a pained expression, eyes glaring into me, it was clear that my predictions were right, he only gave me the option of staying here so he could use me to break his curse. He couldn't defend his actions from the truth. "Why did you have to come here, did she bring you here out of spite?" I could hear the gritting out his teeth,

"What? Who are you talking about?"

"The fairy" I watched him dip his claws into his wine glass, his features faded back into his smug smirk. A swift motion of his hand that had been dipped into the wine sliced at my chest, I was quick to back up, my chair getting knocked over in the process; however it had already been too late, a wound started spewing blood from my chest. "Now, you will be staying here with me," I was frozen. "Did you think I came unprepared? Obviously, there was a chance you would figure out my plan, it wasn't a very elaborate one" He snickered, "So I had a backup, what was in my glass wasn't wine, it was poison, I had one of my servants make it for me. It’s a slow working poison, so it won’t become deadly for about a week or two."

"What the hell!" I shouted

"Don't worry, there's an antidote, but you’ll only get it if you help lift the curse. However, if you don't lift it in time, you will end up like the rest of the unfortunate,in a ditch, dead." He cackled out, "Isn't this fun?"

"I shouldn’t have left the village” The realization hitting me too late, I had let myself get poisoned.

This wasn’t my original idea, I was inspired by a post @shizaya-incorrectquotes reposted. I’m pretty sure the creator of this writing prompt was @whowhatmeow

[rainyrowan]

Sunkissed - Chapter 1

description: Wedding of the century rolls around as the previous college clique, along with the rest of their family members, stay in preparation for it. During this time, Riley meets Lucas, a gorgeous, green-eyed wallflower who happens to be immediately taken by her. Little did she know, he has a deep secret. One that will either change her views on him forever or make her feel closer to his world.

word count: 2,626

pairings: riley x lucas

Song: Annabelle’s Homework by Alec Benjamin

chapter one; riley

Sparkley Farkley: Did you know that the slowest marathon time ever is 54 years, eight months, six days, eight hours, 32 minutes, and 20.3 seconds? Yeah, in 1912, an Olympic marathoner from Japan supposedly disappeared during the middle of a race. Some say that he stopped to get a drink from an outdoor party, but ended up staying longer than he should have. Risque, if you ask me. Anyways, he was too embarrassed to finish the race, so he flew back to Japan instead. Years later, he decided to finish what he started by running the whole marathon himself. What I'm trying to say is WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? Riley, you're seriously taking much longer to get to the boardwalk than this Japanese marathon guy. Hurry!!

I looked at the horrifically long paragraph Farkle had sent me and sighed. Being best friends with him also meant being best friends with your very own encyclopedia, which can be extremely useful at times. Although, it really isn't when your phone is constantly being bombarded with numerous texts about everything and nothing.

Gentle reminder that I live farther from the beach than you do. I'll be there soon! Don't miss me too much :)

I quickly text back. I gripped onto my camera strap, which is draped over my shoulder, as I start quickening my pace.

When we became closer over the years, Farkle and I both created a tradition of spending almost every Saturday down at the boardwalk. In regards to this, the main rule that we've agreed upon would be that if one of us couldn't make it, we would have to have an extremely valid excuse. Me being the more "laid back" friend, I've been pretty lenient on Farkle if he couldn't make it. Wish I could say the same about him, though.

Last night, I had to stay up till two in the morning helping my mother out at the flower shop. Arranging flowers isn't as easy as one may think. In result, I woke up later than usual, causing me to be about 30 minutes late. So far, I've received a fact text from him for every minute I ran late. It truly amazes me how he could just drop these facts off the top of his head.

I'm practically already running when I see Farkle by the entrance, arms crossed.

"I'm sorry!" I pant. I take a second to breathe before I continue speaking. "I.. I woke.. Wow, I'm not cut out to be.. an athlete, huh?" I joke.

He rolls his eyes as a grin forms on his face. "Where were you?"

"I was up all night helping my mom with the flowers. I woke up super late. I'm so sorry."

He nods in approval of my excuse. "That's okay. However, I don't think we could go to the diner now. Brooklyn and her minions are there. Seated in our spots too!"

The thought of Brooklyn made me sick to my stomach. Brooklyn was the Regina George of Harbor High School, and basically all of Santa Cruz. Like your typical teen cliche, she was the popular girl who also the prettiest. Brooklyn also had her own entourage, as she always had two minions following her. With her bitchy personality, you may say that it's surprising that she gets all the guys. With her body, though, it really isn't. It's probably how she had my crush of four years and counting, Charlie Gardner, falling for her.

"Well, I guess we would have to postpone our meal then," I say, linking my arms with his. We enter the boardwalk and head straight for the arcade. We're surrounded by all the games you could never ever get tired of. From Dance Dance Revolution to laser tag to racing games, the Santa Cruz Boardwalk Casino Arcade has you covered. Farkle and I have our common favorite, air hockey.

He let go of my arm, dashing straight to the air hockey table. "You ready to get your ass beat?"

He asks, slipping in a token. We love each other very much, but when it comes to air hockey, it's like we're two different people.

"You should be asking yourself that, Minkus." As air starts to shoot through the tiny holes from the table, we both grabbed our paddles. Suddenly, the puck falls through my pocket instead of Farkle's. "Well, that's a first! I guess I'm starting."

I hit the puck as hard as I can towards his goal. Hoping that this time my first hit would make it, he blocks the puck in a swift move and smiles. "Not today." This goes on for quite a bit. I concentrate on the puck as it glides across the table back and forth. That is, until a distraction came my way. Charlie.

I offer him a double take before actually realizing that it was him. He probably didn't even notice me, which was a good thing on my part. I didn't want him to know that I was here. Out of impulsive thinking, I ducked down to hide behind my side of the table. This wasn't really the best decision, though. Farkle managed to make a goal and yell on behalf of his victory. I don't even have to see what's happening to know that attention was surely brought towards us.

"Farkle!" I call out in a whisper. He walks around the table and takes a seat next to me.

"So, explain to me why we're hiding behind- "

"Riley!" Charlie exclaims. Mortified, I lift my head up to find him standing right in front of us.

"Hi, Charlie." I saw awkwardly. Thankfully, Farkle gets up off the ground and pulls me up, as I was too scared to even move.

Farkle clenches is jaw subtly enough that no one could notice, except for me. It's safe to say that he never liked Charlie. I don't blame him. Most of the time, he can be a total jackass.

I'm not too sure how or why I've liked him for so long, and still currently do. I like to think it's because of the fact that I'm always seeking the best in people. I don't necessarily like making assumptions out of people based on looks or first encounters. For Charlie, I realized how much of a good person he is, deep down, whilst working on a school project with him in the public library. My father, who so happened to be my teacher, assigned both of us as partners for a project that we had to turn in a matter of three days. Within those three days, we'd head to the library at night to work, but we were never productive. All we did was talk. Well, all Charlie did was talk. About himself, of course. I would just sit and listen. It was kind of odd not taking part in the conversation, but I mostly did not mind. As a matter of fact, I remember feeling like it was for the best since I would most likely say something stupid. Plus, I got to learn more about him and who he truly was. The downside of it was that I had to take our project home and finish it myself, but I thought that it was worth it. From that moment on, I couldn't help but keep thinking about him, about us.

Charlie extends his hand out to Farkle, expecting a shake, but he steps back. "I'll wait for you outside." He tells me. No, no. Please don't leave me alone with him.

"Well, that was awkward." He laughs. "But anyways, I am so glad I caught you. I was wondering if you're free like right now? I was hoping that you could help me out with something."

Crap. As much as I would love to help him, I promised Farke that I would spend the day with him. However, as I was looking up at Charlie's mesmerizing brown eyes, I seem to have ignored that fact. "Um, sure." I squeaked. I clear my throat and try again. "What would I be helping you with exactly?"

"You see, we're doing headshots in drama, and you're kind of known to be a really talented photographer," I blush as he says so.  Along with the fact that his words make me swoon, another thing about Charlie that I liked was the fact that he is a performing arts fanatic. I'm presuming that it's something that he would like to achieve in the future. He's actually really talented if I'm being honest.

"So, would it be alright if you got a couple of portrait shots of me by the beach?" Charlie asks.

"Maybe in return, I can buy you a milkshake afterward."

Farkle is so going to kill me after this.  "Er, okay."

"Great! C'mon, let's go." He starts heading towards the exit as I trail behind him. Hoping that he was the gentleman I thought he'd be, I expected him to open the door for me. Instead, he ends up leaving it to close behind him. I sigh, disappointed for getting ahead with my thoughts. Once I've exited the arcade, I immediately scan my surroundings in search for Farkle.

"I'm here." He calls out from behind me. I turn to find him leaning against a wall.

"You're going to hate me," I confess.

A smirk creeps up on his face. "Not gonna lie, I was already kind of assuming."

"You're not mad?"

"No," Farkle says softly. "I still hate that bastard, though. But I mean if you like him that much-"

I pull him into a hug. "Thank you," I whisper.

"Yeah, okay." He wraps his arms around my back and chuckles lightly.

"Riley?" Charlie yells.

I pull away from Farkle and adjust my outfit. This would technically be the first time I get to hang out with Charlie alone, so I obviously want to look presentable. However, that's clearly not the case since I'm currently in my maroon Harvard sweater that Farkle had actually bought me from when he visited last year, along with a pair of faded ripped jeans.

"Do I look okay?" I ask.

He holds two thumbs up. "Can't say no to a girl in Ivy League gear."

"I love you, and thanks a bunch!" I plant a quick kiss on his cheek before running towards Charlie.

Once I've caught up to him, we both head to the beach together.

I truly do love the beach. I love the ambiance of waves crashing against the shore, along with the wailing of seagulls as they soar across the sky. Not to mention, the smell of the ocean beach as well. Everything about the beach is so captivating and peaceful, especially since it's a little early and not a lot of people are here. The afternoon is the absolute worst time to visit the beach. The fact that there are so many people who usually come on a day to day basis, makes me a little anxious to go.

Charlie leads me to where the dock is located. Farkle and I would usually come to take pictures underneath the dock. This area is quite aesthetically pleasing.

"I think this is a great spot." He says, placing his bag down as I begin to adjust the settings of my camera. I let him know that I'm ready once everything's all set. Charlie then runs towards the shoreline and starts posing of a shot. Since I'll be capturing portrait shots, I made sure that my camera is set so all my photos can have a shallow depth of field. This way, Charlie will be in focus as the background will be a bit blurry. After taking a few photos here and there, I stop to look at them. Charlie was perfectly centered, the lighting was on point, and all shots have great composition. Perfect. I think to myself. However, Charlie apparently doesn't exactly think so when he sees them.

"Yeah, this situation just isn't working for me. Let's try something different." He looks around for a moment. "Here, why don't you get some bird-eye shots of me laying on the sand."

I was a little offended that he didn't like the photos I originally took. I spoke out, irritated. "I thought we were taking portraits?"

"I'm just trying to think outside of the box here, Riles. Maybe the photos will turn out better." I scoff at what he had just said. What difference does it make? You're just going to be lying down. And I thought all headshots were portraits. There he goes acting like a douche, but here I am, still taking interest in him.

Charlie lies down on the sand and places his hand behind his head. From the looks of it, he could pass for a Hollister or Abercombie & Fitch model.  I stand directly on top of him to get good shots. If I'm being honest, this isn't the ideal position I'd want to be in. It's a little uncomfortable and weird, really.

Suddenly, water hits the shore and Charlie attempts to save his khaki pants by jerking straight up. Instead, jerking straight up somehow caused me to tumble forward, allowing both of us to fall back down. I also end up dropping my camera on the sand. Water continues to run beneath Charlie, which caused his whole outfit to be soaked. "Shit!"

The water still kept going around us. I panic as I watch it slowly ooze towards my camera. Miraculously, the water stopped before it could reach it. I graciously let out a sigh of relief. "Will you get the fuck off of me now?!" He yells in annoyance. I flinched when he does so and realize that what was happening: I was on top of Charlie Gardener. Because I was on top of him, I didn't get hit by the water at all. I quickly scurried to my feet and grabbed my camera.  I turned to Charlie, who was still really angry that he was drenched. He got up from the ground and gathered his stuff. "Thanks to you," He snaps. "I am soaking wet, and I have rehearsals for the musical after this!"

I feel a familiar tightness gripping my throat. As Charlie continues to curse at me, a burning heat rushes through my body and I can hardly breathe. The DJ over by the boardwalk starts blasting music that seems to be ten times louder than usual. My surroundings then become too horrifically bright. My hands become clammy as I start to lose control of my body. My vision starts to get blurry and my heartbeat begins to speed up to the point where I could hear it.

Once Charlie finishes grabbing his stuff, he walks over to me. He stops and takes a deep breath. "Just email me the photos whenever you can." And with that, he walks away. When I've lost sight of him, I walk towards the pebbles near the ocean. I stare out to sea, trying to take big breaths. I stay until I've finally coaxed my heartbeat back to normal.

[irisflowerarts]

Here comes a depressing thought~

If you don't want to be depressed, or read something sad; than please ignore this. I'm tired of hiding everything and I don't care anymore.. I'm sorry.

Why did he gaze down at me so coldly?.. unmoving as I begged for help with water entering my lungs, struggling to keep myself above the water..

Did he hate me?

Was that an attempt to be rid of me forever?

Was I so awful that I deserved to die?

What had I done to you?

I just wanted to spend time with you and love you as you were my father.

They said that you were out of it, and that it was a mistake...

But how could it be a mistake when it happened.. twice?

H..how can I forgive that?

And than all of the years where you treated me as if I didn't exist; as if I was nothing but the wind..

And than the incident happened: and now you were gone before I could ever get answers..

I thought to myself; at least I still have my mother...

And I was relieved to at least have one parent that cared about me.

But soon.. she began to drift away just like how my dad was distant with me; not even talking to me unless she wanted something: like money or to get into contact with her mom or use my work card to get discounts on everything.

....

I take a look at myself in the mirror and frown.

I only stay to myself with such negative emotions because I don't have anyone; I can only depend on myself because I don't want to burden my... friends.

There's so much wrong with me: my mind; skin; back; feet and legs; why do I have such problems?!

Why?..!

I just want to be able to move and run around with pain; without my leg braces, and I want to be held and loved...

And yet.. here I stand struggling immensely with my words caught in my throat as my heart wants to cry but I can't let it.

°Warning!!! Self Harm Mentions and Suicide Mentions*

And.. I regret the thoughts I have of piercing my skin and bashing my head on the wall..

I did such things with stabbing a pencil into my arm multiple times because it wouldn't leave marks for my family to notice; it was so easy to do and it felt..good.

The way i could feel it go deep and deep till the bone yet no blood.

And when I smashed my head to the wall; I only did it in an attempt to silence the thoughts I had:

I still remember the visions I had many years ago where I attempted suicide and saw my own bloody corpse on the ground when I was seated on a chair

Fear trembled my form; my heart raced and.. I was so scared to move... i- I

It didn't help that those visions happened a few times; scaring me to death each time.

They say that I'll get better but I think I'm broken beyond repair..

I have no hope for my future; I just don't see much for it aside from me getting screwed over.

....

...