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i-guess-im-into-this-now · 10 months ago

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The Apothecary Diaries

S1E21 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

My character/locations cheat sheet

Lakan - strategist. Maomao's biological father.

Lihaku - a young military officer

Pairin - one of the princesses at Verdigris House

Guen - the palace doctor

Lihaku is sparring and doing poorly because he is too distracted. Probably thinking about his true love Pairin and wondering if she is the princess who is having her contract bought out. Last time Maomao was at the brothel we learned that Meimei had some offers, but we haven't heard anything about Pairin.

Maomao is back in the Rear Palace and happy to be in the pharmacy with her old friend Guen, making him clean and organize.

We learn that Guen's family manufactures paper. They used to be quite wealthy until logging was banned and they had to cut back production. Under more dire circumstances, the eldest daughter chose to work in the palace. Guen volunteered to become a eunuch to follow her, but he never saw her again. Missing sister huh? Suirei maybe?

Hmmm... is there some connection here? Guen is a "doctor" and Suirei ended up being adopted by a doctor in the Outer Palace. Could she have learned the trade alongside Guen and used that knowledge to impress the Outer Palace doctor?

There is an issue with the paper that is manufactured for the palace, and the family is likely to lose their purveyor status if the problem isn't fixed. Luckily Maomao is a genius and can figure out the problem with minimal clues.

OMG, Lihaku. He's down sooooo bad for Pairin.

The man is dedicated. I will grant him that. He wants to know what he needs to do to buy out her contract. He's looking for an amount, and Maomao is stalling in giving him a direct answer. It's complicated since Pairin's desires can change that amount.

We learn that Maomao was a ward of the brothel. And induced lactation is a thing I just learned about today. Pairin was a mother figure to Maomao.

Maomao explains to Lihaku that Pairin would likely love to become a mother, but she is very lusty, and is difficult to satisfy in bed.

Lihaku: So she's perfect. Your point?

Okay, so Lihaku has won me over. I'm a sucker who has to support a man in love.

Maomao: Master Lihaku understands what Pairin does for a living and is still in love with her. He may act like a big dumb dog, but seems to be honest and a hard worker.

Yeah that all tracks.

Maomao tells him he has to come up with roughly 10x his annual income to buy out Pairin's contract. She then asks to examine his physique to see if he matches Pairin's tastes. And now would be a perfect time for someone to interrupt this scene. Preferably someone who views Lihaku as a romantic rival and can misread the situation...

Oh my god. Right on cue. Thank you storytellers for feeding your audience!

The looks on Lihaku's and Maomao's faces! They are so busted.

Friends. I am dying.

Jinshi: My apologies, but what exactly am I interrupting here? Maomao, brightly: Hi Master Jinshi! How are you?

About to go ballistic by the looks of it.

Lady Gyokuyou would love this. It's so funny.

Maomao's bright response to Jinshi's question let's me know that even if she isn't willing to acknowledge the situation she isn't ignorant to it.

But anyway, since Maomao won't acknowledge Jinshi's jealousy her only choice is to be so very terrible at reading the room that it seems like she's trolling Jinshi. She once again describes the situation in the most ambiguous way, so that the chance that Jinshi will misunderstand is maximized. It's 💋👌

There are so many good lines here, I'm tempted to write them all.

Maomao: Nothing improper was going on. I was simply taking a good hard look.

Jinshi takes psychic damage.

Jinshi: I didn't realize the physical form was of such interest to you.

Maomao: It was absolutely necessary... ...It was to see if his body would be good enough. What better way to judge that than to inspect him myself?

Critical hit. Jinshi's down. If he isn't actually crying, it's a close thing.

Jinshi: Humor me. Based on what you observed... were you satisfied?

Jinshi's entire outlook for the future hinges on this answer.... LOL

Maomao goes on to explain what she can deduce based on an assessment of someone's appearance.

Jinshi, jealous: Then you should be able to tell what kind of person I am by looking at my body.

No sir, you are the exception, she very deliberately won't determine anything about you that challenges her delusions.

Maomao: Wait a minute? Is he jealous of Master Lihaku?

Um.... yeah!

Maomao: I can't believe this guy's ego! He just wants to brag about being prettier than him!

You almost had it, Maomao. So close.

Maomao lives in her own delusional world where she can admire Jinshi's beautiful, well toned figure and still convince herself that she has zero interest in him.

Maomao: I'd offer to inspect your body too, but there'd be no point.

A final blow. Gaoshun is thinking about what a hassle it is going to be to motivate Jinshi to work in the next few days when he's going to be crying in the corner again.

Once Jinshi knows what's going on, he decides to involved himself in Lihaku's business. He offers to put up the money for Lihaku to buy out Pairin's contract. Is he trying to remove a romantic rival or earn points with Maomao by supporting her big sis? Both probably.

Jinshi: You've met my cat. So you know she can be the cautious type. And yet she's willing to give you advice and consider you to be a legitimate candidate to be her sister's husband. So, I think that says enough.

Excuse me, did he just refer to Maomao as his cat?

Damn, the day Lihaku nonchalantly gave Maomao a hairpin, really, really, has paid off.

In fact Maomao is a boon to everyone in her life. We saw it twice this episode with Guen and now with Lihaku.

Lihaku: In short, if she's comfortable letting her guard down around me, I'm trustworthy.

Yeah, Jinshi didn't like that. He's worked for nearly two years to get Maomao to let down her guard around him with little success, but by all appearances, Maomao will do so easily with Lihaku. And that's... true. Lihaku, is not, and has never been, a threat to Maomao's heart. She can stare at his physique or talk intimately and it means nothing at all to Maomao. But of course Jinshi doesn't know that. Which is what makes this hilarious.

And perhaps the unspoken part of this deal, is that Lihaku take the money to go live happily with Pairin, and stay the fuck away from Jinshi's girl.

Jinshi has done his research on Lihaku. It seems he comes from a good family, but was recruited by Lakan. Interesting. Jinshi is listing Lihaku's merits, and he sounds almost sarcastic, like he's forcing the words.

Lihaku gives a very nice little speech to Jinshi about wanting to use his own wealth to get Pairin. And he says some very important words:

Lihaku: While she might only be a courtesan to you. In my eyes, there's no other woman in the world for me.

See Jinshi? He has no interest in your girl? You can rein in your jealousy now.

And Jinshi is relieved. He says he'll need to speak with Lihaku again soon. As brother-in-laws maybe?

It almost seems like Jinshi was testing Lihaku and he passed. Maybe making sure that Lihaku has integrity? Maybe Jinshi is thinking about bringing him into his very small trusted circle? Lord knows Jinshi could use more allies.

Lihaku has come a long way from demanding Maomao compensate him for helping her visit her father outside the palace, to refusing the free money he needs to free the woman he loves.

Jinshi and Gaoshun walk away, and Jinshi is much happier after this conversation. He doesn't have to worry about Lihaku as a romantic rival any more. Which is good for Jinshi, but sad for me.

Lihaku's not giving up. He keeps training, trying to advance his career, save his money, and connect with Pairin however he can. Maomao seems to think it's a hopeful match.

A certain someone came to talk to granny about making a purchase at the brothel and some of the servant girls got the wrong idea. Lakan apparently. What the hell is his game this time? Mess with Maomao's sisters to draw her out of the Rear Palace?

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

Next episode:

Episode 22

#apothecary diaries #jinmao #jinshi #maomao #the apothecary diaries #jinshi x maomao

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solitaryandwandering · 4 months ago

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Get to Know Me Tag :)

Tagged by @telomeke, thank you!! :)) My answers are not going to be as wonderfully detailed but I will try not to be boring, at least!!

Do you make your bed?

Every morning! It's the second thing I do (after cleaning my glasses, haha). I've found it to be a pretty big part of managing my depression so it's something I have to do, regardless of how tempting it is to leave blankets ready for me to crawl into

What's your favorite number?

I don't have one (numbers are my sworn enemy, after all) but it has been a bit of a thing since I was a kid that 6 is "my number" lol (for reasons I can't get into since that's way too personally identifying). 4 has been a thing, too. Maybe my OCD just likes even numbers? Don't ask.

What is your job?

Frustratingly, I've been unemployed going on four years. I'm in the midst of yet another round of job searching (which has become pretty desperate, to be honest). Discrimination against deafblind people is no joke. I do a lot of volunteer work in the meantime, running a support group and social media for a nonprofit organization.

If you could go back to school, would you?

I would like to go to graduate school for my career. Otherwise, I totally would go to school for media analysis or to take sociology classes again. But without crushing deadlines! I can imagine it now... doing projects and taking tests on my own time... the literal dream

Can you parallel park?

If you feel like risking your life and the lives of every creature and plant in the vicinity and witnessing considerable property damage, yeah I'll do it! Just put a sighted person in the passenger seat so I don't kill myself in the process.

A job you had that would surprise people?

I don't think my jobs would really surprise people? I've had a lot. My first job was as an assistant soccer referee when I was around 14. I was not very good at it but reffed a lot of games. I also was center ref for a couple tournaments (for kids, no older than ten). I looked good in the uniform but that's about it hahaha

Do you think aliens are real?

Absolutely. I'm not sure if I believe they're sentient (at least not in the way we would conceive of it) but the universe is VAST. There's no way we're the only ones. We definitely have not been visited by any, that's for sure.

Can you drive a manual car?

I understand the general theory of it, so again if you want me risk life and limb, I will. The one time I drove I think it was a semi-automatic if not fully automatic transmission.

What's your guilty pleasure?

I have OCD, I feel guilty about everything I like. But I guess right now it would be Kit Kats and Reese's, both of which I have been munching on all week. I am morally against Nestle and know Hershey's is by far inferior to properly-sourced, better-tasting chocolate but... it's not as expensive as the good stuff and... I like when things are pumpkin-shaped :(

Tattoos?

Love them!! Just not on me. I think if I didn't have the skin concerns I do (primarily, keloids run in our family) I may be way more tempted to get one or two smaller ones (and my brother has tats and is totally fine) but as I've said... I have OCD. I think in reality I would be really really freaked out by having something permanent inked into me. So I just live vicariously though everyone else, especially my best friend. They have great taste so their tattoos are very very cool and well done.

Favorite color?

I love oranges and greens, especially tangerine or a deep green.

Favorite type of music?

I have extremely eclectic taste, so it's basically whatever I'm in the mood for. My Spotify Wrapped never reflects the music I really gravitate to when I want to legitimately sit down and listen. Usually it's just on in the background as I do something else but I really enjoy intentionally focusing on a good album. Overall I'm definitely more into rock (very general, I know) than anything else, though that's not necessarily what I listen to most often. I'll listen to indie, punk, hard metal, folk, pop, electronic, hip-hop, R&B, jazz, soul, show tunes, alternative, classical, you name it. Lately I've been listening to a lot of film scores, ballads, and lighter more instrument-heavy stuff. This month's playlist had Dome Jaruwat, Howard Shore, Martin Nievera, Florist, Jewelry, T-ARA, Kim Jung Mi, TRACE & Ariel Loh, and Sade Adu, among others.

Do you like puzzles?

Yes and no. I find that dyscalculia makes certain puzzles more tedious and difficult than they should be, and that combined with ADHD makes things I should ostensibly be good at (Scrabble, for example) more frustrating than not. I don't mind jigsaws or logic puzzles though. I did Deaf Academic Bowl in high school, so I'm super into things like that (trivia, Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, escape room kinds of things).

Any phobias?

Not too many. When it comes to specific phobias, I'm pretty phobic of stink bugs though that's lessened over the years, replaced by a phobia of cockroaches. I'm neutral about bugs in general but as my eyesight has declined I've become less fond of the flying ones. Same thing goes for other small creatures difficult to track. I've noticed some agoraphobia developing in the last year or so as my vision has declined so I am working on managing that along with my social anxiety.

Favorite childhood sport?

Definitely soccer. Did nineteen seasons, despite bullying!

Do you talk to yourself?

Literally all the time. Always having a conversation with myself. Caught myself on the bus earlier today having a bit too animated of an internal conversation hahaha

What movies do you adore?

This is literally the worst thing to ask me. So many movies, so little time. I do love It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! which I watch every Halloween. I say it every year, but it very well may be my favorite film score. And it's technically a TV special so... I also adore The Florida Project, Eighth Grade, Anatomy of a Fall, Bound, Minding the Gap, Rocketman, It Happened One Night, Shoplifters, Blindspotting, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse... I could go on and on and on.

Coffee or tea?

I LOVE coffee but I've been gravitating more and more to tea, probably because of the hell coffee sometimes wreaks on my digestive system.

First thing you wanted to be growing up?

I was very specific: an Olympic gold-medalist figure skater. Only because I loved watching this event so much. To be honest I don't know what the first real ambition I had was? I did wonder what it may be like to be a journalist, professional soccer player, lawyer, that kind of thing.

I am tooooo tired to tag anyone but if you want to play, here's your chance (and tag me so I can read it!!)

#it's me #tag game

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jaggedwolf · 9 months ago

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pll rewatch 1x19

you get a date, and you get a date, and everybody gets a date, oh, and spencer has a bad time (but also a date).

we start with the girls at the police station with their parents. none of the girls mentioned spencer's thing with ian in their interviews, and the parents mostly seem to believe the girls have been pranked

garrett reynolds is introduced as a former neighbour of emily, and I have no memory whether him being a neighbour is important.

like, important neighbours: emily-toby, spencer-alison. vaguely implied neighbours but it doesn't really matter: hanna-aria.

Aria: Whoever said the truth will set you free never met A. Emily: Jesus. The girls: -give Emily confused looks- Emily: It's from the Bible; Jesus said it.

Is Emily religious? The Fields do seem the most likely family of the Liars to go to church, though even then my take is that Pam tried the local churches when they first moved to Rosewood, occasionally goes/volunteers to one of them, but doesn't really gel with any of them.

Paige is such a bad liar, her saying she "had to visit her aunt. She's old." has made me doubt that she even has an aunt. She has apparently been swimming nights to avoid seeing Emily - this suggests that normally they do their outside-of-practice swims at the same time at school

Toby is so scared of Jenna that he will go spend money on a motel room just to get away from her being mad at him, and then starts suspecting she's at the motel too. ...I can't really make fun of him for this, given his entire history with Jenna

Ezra bugging Aria with a dozen questions on Jenna really annoyed me. If you are going to date your student, can you at least consider not getting information about your other students out of her? No?

Caleb is so :D :D :D now that he's dating Hanna that he forgets to put down the toilet seat in the house, leading to Ashley finding him and kicking him out. Caleb slinks off wordlessly while Hanna makes references to Ashley's own difficult youth.

Paige leaves Emily a note, which my friends initially think is an A-note, unlike me and my unnecessarily thorough memory of all Paige-related scenes. She 100% could have texted Emily, they have each other's numbers, but I enjoy that her instinct is note in locker. Huh, hold that thought for later.

The karaoke bar is called "Hungry Owl Tavern". Good name.

I like their little conversation here and that Emily for no reason offers that she was in love with Alison. I mean, once your unreciprocated crush got outed by a dickbag cop to your friends, just start telling it to your dates I guess.

Paige's response to this fun fact is "She seemed like a very dynamic person" which is an incredibly diplomatic way to describe Alison Dilaurentis. I must give her credit for this, she is not someone who is naturally tactful.

Paige is much more relaxed here, and the one upside of this season's terrible haircut is that we get to see it become more casual as she does too. Karaoke ensues after Paige goads Emily into it.

Hanna gets laaaaid after Caleb learns she went to fat camp and Hanna learns his mom walked out on him. Good for her, she does deserve to be the first liar to get laid given how much she wanted it at the beginning of this season

Enjoyed Hanna being a whiz at camp set-up and city boy Caleb being spooked at every sound in the woods.

Spencer is very cute when hopped up on caffeine talking about spy apps on her phone, and when miffed at losing Scrabble

Toby's abs are so defined they are starkly visible in the night-time, I'm scared. This is why Spencer loses her mind at seeing him in the bathroom.

Emily and Aria hang out in Emily's room not not talking about their dates, a scene I'd forgotten about. I am slightly tempted to track scene counts of the liar subsets to see how big the actual imbalance is vs fandom's perception of it.

Anyway, I do have a soft spot for Emily and Aria hanging out, they have a much quieter energy to their scenes.

Picnic time! I forgot that the karaoke and the picnic were in the same episode, let alone on sequential days.

Emily is very good in her conversation with Paige here - Paige's panic makes sense here, given everything we know about her dad, and it is a real thing that if you are known to be gay it puts people of the same gender who are close to you under suspicion, even for innocent interactions

And Emily makes an excellent choice for herself here going nah, I feel good about who I am now, I remember when I didn't and the act of pretending or hiding would make me feel bad again.

I think S1!Emily doesn't get enough credit, honestly, even at the start she's got more of a backbone than the freshman year version of her does

My unasked for opinions on how much the liars change between Alison's disappearance and the start of canon: Emily looks the same but is different personality-wise, Aria looks different but is the same personality-wise, Hanna has changed in both regards, and Spencer Hastings Will Never Change She Is Eternal.

Also eternal is Spencer's parents being dickbags, because their response to finding out their daughter is a person of interest and that their grown son-in-law macked on their 14/15-year old daughter is to go "Spencer!! How dare you not tell us!!!!" instead of "Ian! Get the fuck off our property before I sock you in the jaw!"

Ashley invites Caleb to stay permanently and asks him to call her Ashley instead of Mrs Marin - I'm not sure we ever see him do so. Caleb goes off to make a mysterious call where he says he's not helping anymore...

Best A message: A leaving a bag of ice with the message YOU'RE GETTING COLDER. Literally just knew they were getting obsessed with 214 and decided to drive Spencer nuts about it. Classic.

#pll watching #pll #pll 1x19 #mine

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anemia-rp · 4 months ago

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"I can kinda understand that. I used to do that with other things, now days I think I just kind of melt into that emptiness until it passes." She gave a goofy grin and nodded in approval. "I'm all for scary movies... as long as there is no clowns. I'm terrified of clowns."

"I suppose it is isn't." She shrugged. "Oh my cats are the masters of silent pouting! They even out do me." She laughed some before shaking her head. "Nah don't worry, you would be one of the people that would be hard to ignore. I would just picture you sad and by yourself and then I would feel bad."

"Oh didn't I tell you that I am a top criminal thief?" She teased, though she did have a habit for forgetting to return most, if not all, of the shirts and hoodies she borrowed from others. "Really?" She smiled brightly. "There is just something so comforting about sleeping in someone else's shirt, especially when it fits so big on you. You think so?" she asked while swaying a little. "It does kinda fit like a dress, doesn't it?"

"I will very gladly volunteer to teach you all about the very best cuddles. Some might even say I'm an expert." She gave a cute smile as a small blush crept on her cheeks at him touching her hair. "Thank you, I try my best to keep it soft since I dye it so much. I don't want it to be dry and yucky feeling."

"If you did then you would be a very cute bunny. Black bunnies look like cute little soot sprites." she gave a warm and genuine smile hearing that she made him feel so comfortable. "Well I'm really happy I can make you comfortable enough to let your softer side out. It must get exhausting to always be tough and cool. Anytime we're together and you want to or need to let your soft side out, you can. I won't judge or anything. At most I will think it's cute and sweet."

The red in her cheeks was finally starting to calm down as they talked now. "Yeah, I kind of learned that the hard way." she softly admitted. She was a bit ashamed of how she gave away so much of herself in the past, though she quickly smiled at the small kiss on her nose. "You wouldn't of liked me in the past then."

"I do that more often these days, too. Especially 'cause I know the emptiness probably won't get filled, although the demons wanna tell me that everything gets better if I give in to what they want." He snorted, rolling his eyes over the stupidity of his own mind. "Okay, then I'm gonna watch IT on my own. And even hide the figurine I've got of Pennywise." He seldom judged people for their fears. After all fears were probably something that made you human.

"But I can pout pretty well, too. After all I've got my own hidden feline side." A smirk played around the corners of his mouth that softened in the next moment however. "Guess I'd appear pouty as well rather than sad, sadness is one of the most difficult feelings that likes to disguise itself. But I wanna learn how to show it purely." He nodded, yes, he wanted to become better with it.

"You didn't. And you risk to get arrested for theft", he announced with a smirk, watching her meanwhile. He liked to watch her a lot in general, her cuteness definitely did something to him. "That's true. You could wear it outside with some nice boots or anything like that."

"Top criminal thief, cuddling expert…is there anything you aren't?", he wondered, quite amused. This talk that switched from deep to humorous and back was one of the best he had have in a long time. "It's difficult to take care of bleached hair, huh? Anyway, I'm tempted to braid it now. Would look cute for sure. And /I'm/ a braiding expert." He laughed.

He couldn't say for sure but he was certain it was him blushing now because of her words and the offer. "In the first place I'm quite glad I've still got my soft side when I tried to push it away so often in the past", he said, showing a bashful smile. "So Mr Scary will be Mr Cutie sometimes, but shhh." He chuckled and put his index finger against his lips.

"Yeah, probably. I don't see what's fun in being with someone who doesn't have an own will. 'cause I care about my partner having fun, too. One-sided stuff isn't fulfilling at all." He even wrinkled his nose. "And if you ask me this doesn't have something to do with being submissive. Someone who only thinks about themselves in bed is an abuser and nothing else." He stroked the side of her neck.

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becameundone · 1 year ago

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WHERE: single carrot theatre WHEN: 15th november (or something around that time) WHO: ziv boo ( @scyboo )

It was time for Tomo to face what he'd spent a week and a half avoiding. Or, maybe, he'd been avoiding it for months. It depended on where you drew the starting line, on his birthday when he'd been sent a script with a note or back in August when Ziv had originally made the proposition. Either way, he'd been living like a coward for too long now. At first, he'd insisted he was happy to keep working as a volunteer and he believed he'd meant it but the truth was that he'd been afraid of tempting fate. They'd put him on a forced hiatus, insisting he wasn't stable enough to keep working, and he'd always feared it might be true, despite the gaping void in the pit of his gut that grew and grew with each passing day.

But, now, Tomo had hit rock bottom again. Anybody who had seen him since that awful part could tell; the dark circles under his eyes and the unattended dark roots bleeding into scarlet hair were a decent giveaway. He could barely remember how he'd spent his birthday. The little brush with hypothermia had already kept him from feeling his best but the whole night had been twisted and distorted and screwed up by vodka shots and ecstasy. All he could remember was waking up at noon the next day, with a splitting headache and a creeping sense that he was barely even human anymore. And, then, his card payments had bounced. More money would trickle in eventually but his bosses, regardless of country, weren't exactly generous when it came to paying his residuals on time. He couldn't turn to his mother for help, not since she'd disowned him, and, although he'd been given the right to a decent chunk of his father's limited posthumous earnings, he was afraid to touch it for fear being labelled a nepo baby trainwreck. After all was said and done, he could go no lower so why not risk everything chasing what he loved? If he had to be depressed or whatever, he could at least try and act again.

"Hey, so, I gave your offer some more thought," said Tomo, marching into the room without so much as a greeting. He'd always been a very abrupt person but, in his defence, you never found time to overthink yourself into a hole if you skipped thinking altogether. If you needed any measure of how well he was doing right now, just look to the fact that, although they were indoors in the early days of Winter, he was wearing sunglasses. Tomo slipped into the seat nearest Ziv and slumped into a very casual position. A voice far in the back of his head tried to insist he looked as much a wreck as he felt. "I'm accepting it. I want to act. Here, with you guys." He wasn't a stage actor and the prospect of jumping to a new medium terrified him but the alternative, that swirling dark void of shame and dwindling self-worth, had become much more frightening. And, here's the thing: Ziv had asked him personally. That meant something. That meant a whole lot of something. "Only problem is... I misplaced the script you gave me. And, by that, I mean I set it on fire but, y'know, same difference." And he'd done it with a cigarette lighter, no less, during a particular lylow moment. God, he could use a smoke right now. But that was probably just the nerves speaking.

#« ᴛ ᴏ ᴍ ᴏ » / 「 starter. 」#« ᴛ ᴏ ᴍ ᴏ » / 「 & ziv. 」#alcohol mention #drugs mention #idk how to tag for discussions of vague poor mental health but they're in here too #implied derealisation #this ended up way longer and way heavier (??) than i intended but SDFGHJ i'm just glad i've finally got this done bc it feels IMPORTANT

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meanwhileinstasiville · 1 year ago

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Always the same sequence. Latinos/gangs come up with an antagonism, and when it looks like it has an effect, the religious zealots take over.

There's one team (shinra) with everybody on it.

I have to guess what the intention is, or the desired effect.

Coat stalker on terminal 2 (the room is FULL of gang presence) says "crackpot greybeard"; I'm not a color, I'm not a gang member, I'm certainly not a number. (To name something is to have power over it, an ancient belief; a Goucher girl said I was "like A. Dial" as opposed to C. Dial, or N. Dial; so the "a's" as I call them, are fast becoming everywhere)

Ashland library front epp-248 or whatever sits on terminal 9 says "she's the police", and based on her earlier antics and habits; I don't think so. Says "latin king flavor text" to a gang infested situation.

Stalker cars and yellow says gang flagging until it looks like it has an effect (like everything else), and then the religious zealots take over.

People standing in judgement of me, implore me to "pass on judgement" or not be judgemental; of the "do what you gotta do" sort, where it's unfortunate and not at all their fault that they have choices.

White is something Mexicans desperately want, and I can't figure out who sold people to who; coopers says "that's a white Mexicans can have" Poland stuff "that's a white Mexicans can have" and on the heels of "Americans like their latinas to look Italian" (they don't, they don't like latinas at all, baring them from cultural integration to present day)

Drug pussy for someone I was staying with on arnos says Mexicans can't get credit (cards), so this arrangement of identity stuff will continue until I somehow award experian credit ratings to Mexicans as a whole

A charger costing a lot for someone who sleeps outside is being software moderated to some end, and both the flavor text and the dprk green stalker woman from mountain park path (and the only person I encountered) all say "phil lee". But that's a matter of chaddock convenience; they kill for less.

Bottom line is, this all seems to be leading up to the kind of life I should have been leading since childhood. Which is regrettable.

Why chastity? People don't have choices and being dead is "the other thing".

Why mass shootings? Either American stresses are so great that people are melting down violently at a rate of more than two a day or so, OR, the government wants Americans to "volunteer" their weapons in order to make America safe again. (And it has to be one of those)

There's even a substation down on "Nevada street" not that that ever amounted to anything. After a mountain and a golf course and swimming pools etc served as less than the power plant they were looking for; to wit, I think this is cop city based on Reinhold and Oharas insurance down from "Ashland's finest" jewelry pawn shop on the plaza. Because Eric is el chapo and they're still looking for him. And he's still here. Call him ganon or browser or smithy or even booster in booster tower, but here he remains. Ashland's municipal power plant of eating it's own tail.

Grandpa Dunn's sense of humor has East Main where the freeway was supposed to be before his dad washed it out. How do I know? Instant death is held off by a tiny "yield sign" in an island marked with paint, all on what appears to be a straight road. Don't think of giving Ashland a second chance on the way out of town? You're going to get into a head on collision and die. And the Hamilton house is along the way, there.

East main "dead ends" as everything at the small minded (back then) plaza worried of a freeway around it. So a gas station sits next to the "left turn of doom" visible from esther's teen section window tables. You get out going "one way" but not wanting to go back down east main and the light is there so you (the tourist) get to think about how tempting it is to turn left at a red, in front of oncoming traffic which does not stop. And people do. That's the temptation. Was supposed to be a housing development there; down from was windmill inn along that whole hillside. There's even a remnant unpaved road that became a driveway around the hotel corner down to east main. Again, where the freeway was supposed to go. Look at it from the air and notice it would've been a straight shot from sixty six all the way to talent with no curves in it. Where the city was supposed to be above the freeway whereas all the commerical industrial was supposed to be below the freeway.

Notice also, that that refined bridge entering town, beckons without signs like it's supposed to have; because they thought those platforms were for fancy light posts not for interstate signage. Ask how the sign indicating where you're going is able to be seen soon enough for an out of town driver to act on. It doesn't seem like much, but you can't read it in passing. This is real. This is how it is.

A bone being thrown to the latinos that they can't actually have though they can't summary execute me because greed; 20k for a reward for a murder solved and they can't figure out how to get the money.

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hilarychuff · 3 years ago

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🛒 💖 🤡? :)

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

YEARNING. there's so much yearning. and also lots of self-sacrifice and possibly self-loathing. even lighthearted aus often become SAD and DRAMATIC. i am drawn to slightly pathetic blorbos, i find. especially when those pathetic blorbos have extremely internal experiences. lots of overthinking!!!!!

💖 What made you start writing?

lmao in the fourth grade a fortune teller of some sort (tarot reader??? don't recall) told me i was a writer and i was like "lol ya right i am just a reader" but then in fifth grade one of my besties introduced me to the neopets roleplay boards and that was that!!! i think i fell into the hp fandom fairly quickly but i did also at one point join a wolf rp guild for her. but when i started branching off neopets it was all hp. this was actually what i wrote my college application personal essay about lmfao.

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

hmmm ok something that made me laugh. let me think. i feel like while i am a very funny person i am rarely writing funny things. `

lots of details about my jonsa princess diaries au make me laugh. the concept of joffrey getting coned. arya having a tv show called "shut up and listen." also the lies i came up with for theon to tell about jon in the press.

Each time Theon convinces a journalist or reporter that Jon won the seventh grade spelling bee contest with the word brassiere or that Jon volunteers at a soup kitchen each weekend to serve exclusively shrimp cocktail, he comes up with an even more far-fetched lie to try on the next one.

i gave myself some giggles in my jonsa scream au with the easter eggs. named myranda and mya's sorority gamma omega mu like gates of the moon. named harry's fraternity kappa omicron lambda (lambda looks like an upside down v) like knights of the vale. i always have fun coming up with the fraternity/sorority names for stuff.

did the same thing with my hp mediator series au back in the day. omega rho. rho looks like a p. sort of order of the phoenix-y. actually there might be some excerpts in here i think are funny. like i'm very much planning to rewrite this before i ever continue it so all of these excerpts at this point are old but

“Aw, come on, Red, you know all about my high school graduation speech–” (and how does he know she knows that, by the way, if she’s the one that’s the “stalker”? He better not be in her room on her computer when she’s in Sculpture I or eating breakfast in the dining hall or something) “–and my freshman year student government campaign promises. I can’t even know what you’re up to?”

“My name’s not Red,” she barks out before she can bite her tongue, looking up to glare at him.

“Yeah, I know. Lily, right? I heard Remus say it. Anyway, I think Red suits you better,” he continues, shrugging, seemingly unaffected by what she has heard described as her withering stare.

“Yeah, super observant, red hair and all that–” she starts, meaning to call him out on his complete lack of originality, but he stops her in his track with, “Actually, it’s more for the color your face gets when you’re annoyed.”

And that has her face darkening as hot as ever, traitorously proving his point. He grins, looking over to catch her flush in the act, and winks. If he weren’t already dead, she’d be tempted to murder him herself.

also lily agreeing to go to a geek chic party and then discovering she’s actually at an office hoes and ceos party?????

If Lily weren’t so affronted, she’d burst out laughing. “Wait, that’s the theme? You’re telling me I’m an office hoe right now?”

He glances over, takes in her outfit again, and then shakes his head, grinning. “Your skirt’s practically to your knees; you’re definitely the CEO.”

also i mentioned a previous literary-themed drinking party and i had a lot of fun coming up with everyone’s costumes

She doesn’t remember seeing James there, only Sirius (dressed, of course, as Dorian Grey-Goose), but he must’ve been considering it was his party.

“Oh, I went all out,” she teases.

“Oh yeah? And what were you?”

“Sophie, naturally, and I brought my BFG.”

“Big friendly giant?”

“Big flask of gin.”

That gets a laugh out of him, and she beams at the sound of it.

“And what were you, Catcher in the Rye Whiskey or something?”

“Please, my costume was way better than that,” he brags. “We did Goodnight Moonshine.”

“You were the moon?”

“Remus was the moon,” he corrects, smirking. “We doused him in body glitter and everything. I was the little bunny in PJs.”

“Oh, of course,” she laughs. “I don’t know how I didn’t guess that. And Peter?”

“Hops on Pop,” he explains, then grimaces. “He kept mixing beer with mountain dew all night.” He takes another long drink, then looks down at his empty cup and holds it out to her. “Speaking of—want one?”

“A beer and mountain dew?”

“Why, you like the sound of that?” he asks, one eyebrow up, then disappears.

anyway!!!!! maybe one day i will be funny and write funny things again. can’t wait!!!!

#my writing #ask games #long post

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katnissmellarkkk · 4 years ago

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Okayyyy here comes the next chapter ! Number .... lemme look. Okay, number six! 🥳🥳🥳

And yes, my thoughts as usual will be a messy, very Everlark-biased and full of typos. Letsss gooooo 🥰🥰🥰

Is this the first time Katniss and Peeta have been to their floor or is this just the most opportune time to explain and introduce the Tribute Center living quarters?

Also why are they called tributes anyway? That word suddenly seems weird to me after nine years... 🤔🤔🤔

“I've ridden the elevator a couple of times in the Justice Building back in District 12. Once to receive the medal for my father's death and then yesterday to say my final goodbyes to my friends and family” .... 😶😶 so only good memories and connotations to elevators then, huh?

“The walls of this elevator are made of crystal so that you can watch the people on the ground floor shrink to ants as you shoot up into the air.” My mind is just imagining the elevator in Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone’s Spider-Man movies 🤗.

“It's exhilarating and I'm tempted to ask Effie Trinket if we can ride it again, but somehow that seems childish” this is so cute and innocent omg. Katniss, like I said in my last chapter blog, still has some childlike innocence left in her 🥺🥺🥺. I’m a sad.

Also excuse the unnecessary extra gif use but 🤭🤭🤭

Oh wow, so Haymitch hasn’t been around since they were on the train? No wonder neither Katniss nor Peeta fled they could trust him for basically the entirety of the first book. 😐😐😐

You know it’s bad when Effie being around feels like a blessing to Katniss. Girl has more restraint than me, I’d have ripped off this woman’s janky wig by now without remorse. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Effie acts like they’re her purebred show dogs. I know I know how is this news, that’s a blatant fact. The movies really softened her up tho for the general audience. And I bleed the movies and books together more than I should 😔😔😔

Well at least she’s made herself useful, trying to get Everlark sponsors ... even if it’s ultimately to benefit herself above anyone else .... 😤

Effie calling Twelve barbaric while she’s preparing them for the slaughter isn’t even ironic it’s like literally just brainless. Johanna probably had the nickname floating around for a lot of people before she officially knighted Katniss with it 😭

“Everyone has their reservations, naturally. You being from the coal district.” Is this how they refer to Twelve? So basically if a district makes a better item, it’s a more worthy one in the Capitol’s eyes? So essentially, if District Eight made like diamonds or pearls or whatever then it would be more worthy? So are the districts assigned their numbers (one, two, three, four, etc) based on their order of importance to the Capitol’s lifestyle? I always thought it was based on their distance in relation to the Capitol? Okay so I didn’t really pay much attention to these facts previously when I read these books ok look away I’m an idiot

Omg 😭😭😭😭 Effie is such an idiot. But the coal turns to pearls thing is my favorite line from her only because it serves as the cutest inside joke when Peeta makes a callback to it in Catching Fire and Finnick is just like “why are these two teenagers so stupid who did I ally with? 🥵😳🥵😳🥵”

“I wonder if the people she's been plugging us to all day either know or care.” After reading Songbirds and Snakes, I’m sure they don’t have a clue, boo. 😑😑😑😑 although not everyone was an idiot back then ... maybe Snow is putting lead in the drinking water?

“But don't worry, I'll get him to the table at gunpoint if necessary.” I know she’s trying to help and I know we say this kind of thing today, but considering this is two kids she’s well aware will be heading into a death match this is just bad wording I know surprise surprise 🙄🙄🙄😬😬😬😬

“Although lacking in many departments, Effie Trinket has a certain determination I have to admire.” Katniss really does see the best in people. What’s sad, y’all, is I think Katniss unconsciously really tries to like people and that’s why she has her guard up so high. Because the softer you are, the easier people will step all over you. Terrible phrasing here, Samantha, I’m so sorry to any of my readers ... okay now that sounded arrogant, implying I have readers 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤣😅🤣😅🤣😅

“My quarters are larger than our entire house back home.” Omg? I mean, yes, I knew this already obviously no duh but like also. Just the fact that three people live in a space smaller than a bedroom and bathroom arena is saddy sad sad. Also do they have indoor plumbing in the Seam or is their backyards just full of—okay, I’ll see myself out. 😶🤭😅🙃

“The shower alone has a panel with more than a hundred options you can choose regulating water temperature, pressure, soaps, shampoos, scents, oils, and massaging sponges.” I’m just imagining a Spongebob scene ngl.

I’m sorry there’s so many gifs this time around it’s probably taking us out of the reading headspace I’ll never do it again 😩😩😩😩 I talk like I have a class of people listening to me 🤭🤭🤭

“Instead of struggling with the knots in my wet hair, I merely place my hand on a box that sends a current through my scalp, untangling, parting, and drying my hair almost instantly” I need this someone invent this NOW my brush is yanking out my hair 😔😩

“I program the closet for an outfit to my taste.” ‘Yes, Alexa, I’d like a hunting jacket, some boots and a green shirt. Yes, it can be brown.’

“You need only whisper a type of food from a gigantic menu into a mouthpiece and it appears, hot and steamy, before you in less than a minute.” I like this idea because it means that Peeta could order hot choccy to comfort Katniss after her nightmares in Catching Fire from the comfort of her their own bed. 🤗🤗🤗 also I want this for myself. The bad people are giving my greedy self ideas look away everyone 😬

“I walk around the room eating goose liver and puffy bread until there's a knock on the door.” 🤢🤢🤢🤢 Of everything you could have chosen, child, this is what you decided on? Someone help my girl and her rotten tastebuds now.

“Effie's calling me to dinner. Good. I'm starving.” Baby, you were just eating. She’s so nutritionally messed up. 😔😔😔

Katniss trying wine 🥳🥳🥳 she’s so funny, trying to find a way to improve the taste 😅. She’ll make a good taste tester for her baker husband one day.

Hahahaha Katniss not liking the feeling and judging Haymitch for always being tipsy. Also this is sad because she ends up addicted to morphling later one which is far worse than a little wine.

I’m glad to know Baked Alaska survived the apocalypse 😅🥳

Katniss just constantly trying to decipher the recipe of every meal and how to recreate it reads cute on a surface level but it’s actually so tragic because everything to this girl is based around food. Like even more than is typically noticed. They really should have given a hint at this in the first movie. Good thing she marries a man who can always keep her full.

I’m just forever side-eyeing you, Gare Bear.

That’s Gary Ross for the confused kids in the back.

Why does Katniss yelling mid-sentence, “oh! I know you!” add to her innocence? 🥺 it’s because she was overwhelmed by all the food and new luxuries she’d never even been able to imagine ... and also this is pre her first games so she’s still got some childhood left in her 😩😔

I wonder how Lavinia felt seeing Katniss volunteer and knowing she’d be her Avox? I wonder if she, like Cinna, somehow volunteered to be her Avox?

I mean ... talk about convenient placement that this specific girl was assigned to Katniss’ district—oh wait, y’all, I just caught myself. She’s from Twelve. She was assigned to Twelve’s tributes because she’s from there, duh. I’m such an airhead omg just call me Effie.

Don’t you actually dare.

“When I look back, the four adults are watching me like hawks.” Meanwhile, Peeta is just like 😬😬😬 eating his dinner.

Actually, ngl, this could be such a reach and it probably is but like maybe Peeta sensed a confrontation coming and, because of his implied upbringing, he naturally becomes silent or makes himself invisible when trouble starts looking like it’s gonna arise. 🥺🥺🥺 I don’t know why I say these things I’m just hurting my own feelings but ya know the drill. I thought it so I said it.

Why is Effie yelling at Katniss for saying she knows the Avox girl like omg overreaction much? And I know, the sky is blue 🙄🙄🙄 she’s prejudiced against basically everyone, I know, I know

Rip her wig off, Katty Deen 🤗🤗🤗

Oh I stupidly forgot that Avoxes are supposedly known by everyone to be traitors or criminals. So I suppose this isn’t Effie’s worst offense but I’m keeping a tally anyways

Katniss is blaming her stuttering on the wine but my girl just has social anxiety 😔😔😔

Peeta coming in with a save 😭😭😭 he’s already trying saving his girl 🤧

Alsoooo the unspoken friendship, the covering for the other and teaming up against the adults, is still riding high and going strong here 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 look away, y’all, the shipper comments are coming in strong

Also why is this the first real interaction with Peeta in this chapter yet? My baby needs more page-time 🤭🤭🤭

“Delly Cartwright is a pasty-faced, lumpy girl with yellowish hair who looks about as much like our server as a beetle does a butterfly.” Now why did Katniss just tear Delly to shreds for no reason at all 😭😭😭 this was a surprise assault on the poor girl 🙃🙃🙃🙃

“She may also be the friendliest person on the planet - she smiles constantly at everybody in school, even me.” Okay not to tie absolutely everything back to Peeta ... but to tie absolutely everything back to Peeta ... this description of poor, sweet Delly is actually indicative of Peeta’s character? Since Delly, we find out in Mockingjay, is Peeta’s childhood best friend, her personality being this sunny, kind, good-natured person tells us Peeta has always probably been somewhat like her and perhaps not as much like the other town kids Katniss implies to be stuck up or snooty. Maybe Katniss is just shady and deflects onto others 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️.

Also the fact that she gives this like ... mean description of Delly but saw Peeta as popular, even though surely Delly and Peeta spent time at school together, implies further that Katniss did indeed harbor a secret crush on Peeta even before the reaping. A very mild comparison of his on her though, of course 😅😅😅

“It must be the hair” “something about the eyes too” their piggybacking on the other’s comments really is just chiefs kiss 😘🤗🥰🤧 FYI I know the saying is chefs kiss but I made the typo once a long time ago and decided to add it forever to my brand 🤗🙃🥳

Also though this Everlark interaction is reminiscent of when two kids get caught by their teacher goofing off in class and covering for each other 🥰 only it’s a lot more deadly stakes

“A few of the other couples make a nice impression, but none of them can hold a candle to us.” She’s so modest 🤧🤧🤧 her narration here and during the Tribute Parade just has the vibes of ... well .... sorry in advance

Haymitch’s comment “Just the perfect touch of rebellion. Very nice” leads me to think he and Cinna and maybe Portia were always in cahoots about the rebellion even before Katniss and Peeta came along and well ... lit their match on fire 🥁🤗🤣🤭

Katniss is like “rebellion??? Rebellion where??? What’s that you old people speak of???” And yet, girlfriend goes out to the woods and hunts illegally every day of her life 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

“But when I remember the other couples, standing stiffly apart, never touching or acknowledging each other, as if their fellow tribute did not exist” too lazy too look it up but there’s a quote from Ballad about Lucy Gray and Jessup being distinguished by their visible friendship too that set them apart from the other tributes.

Either Suzanne thought of drawing a nice parallel showing what a failed Everlark attempt looks like, because I firmly stand by the fact that without their real feelings behind their act, even Katniss’ unconscious ones, they wouldn’t have pulled it off, or Suzzie just reused her own content. I prefer the former but I think it’s probably the latter 🤭🤭🤭

“Now go get some sleep while the grown-ups talk." I know Haymitch is being facetious here but this quote reminded me of the fact that the movies would have hit differently if they’d cast actual sixteen year olds in the roles.

“When we get to my door, he leans against the frame, not blocking my entrance exactly but insisting I pay attention to him.” This is such a flirty, high school boy pose, you cannot convince me otherwise 😭😭😭

Also I definitely feel like Peeta is getting more and more confident here because he’s oblivious to Katniss’ inner monologue as much as she is his actually we all are his sadly and he probably thinks she’s starting to like him 🤧🤧🤧

“So, Delly Cartwright. Imagine finding her lookalike here." 🤣 He honestly cracks me up idk why this line isn’t even special or that great. He’s just so ... subtly nosy / funny. Which brings me to that quote from Mockingjay where Katniss talks about his sense of humor because it’s one of the things she loves most about him 😭😭😭

But he’s like, “I can keep a secret, Katniss, tell me who that tongueless chick is to you 😬”

Katniss stop talking about debts, friends cover for the other all the time 🙄🙄 I know it’s in her character stop yelling at a fish for swimming that’s not a real phrase I know that too

Okay first of all, they’re about to share a secret 🥰🥰🥰🥰. My shipper goggles are on tight and obstructing my vision. I know this and am proud 😬🥳🤗

And secondly, “Maybe sharing a confidence will actually make him believe I see him as a friend.” Hey, butthead, you two are already friends. She doesn’t even recognize that the girl who constantly sits with her, talks to her, eats with her and trades with her is her friend either though, I’m shocked she calls Gale her friend

Does Peeta get to know Cinna too? I don’t think so but it’s mentioned now a couple times in this chapter alone that Peeta has interacted with Cinna. Katniss never interacts or has a conversation with Portia.... then again, is that even surprising? Katniss isn’t ... what you would call ... social. Hashtag relatable.

Awww, they’re communicating so effectively together 🥰😭🤧🥳

Also rooftops belong to Everlark only 😍😊😉 I mean, seriously, Katniss never goes up on a rooftop with anyone else. Besides Haymitch in the first movie but we ignore.

“Electricity in District 12 comes and goes, usually we only have it a few hours a day.” Earlier she said the Seam didn’t often have electricity, in particular, so either she’s not specifying her section of the district anymore or Suzanne is backtracking.

“But here there would be no shortage. Ever.” I’ve had two power outages recently so clearly the Capitol isn’t based on us currently today then 😐😐 I’m just joking ok

“I asked Cinna why they let us up here. Weren't they worried that some of the tributes might decide to jump right over the side?” .... boyfriend, where does your mind go sometimes? Peeta’s darker than we realize, y’all 🤭🤭🙃🙃

“He holds out his hand into seemingly empty space. There's a sharp zap and he jerks it back” between this and Catching Fire, Peeta is addicted to getting shocked by forcefields 🤧🤧🤧

“I wonder if we're supposed to be up here now, so late and alone.” If this was a romantic drama or comedy, that line would have meant something a lot more fun 😒😔😬😉😏

“On the other side of the dome, they've built a garden with flower beds and potted trees.” Is this meant to resemble Snow’s grandmother’s garden???? Like he had them put a garden there to like ... put a piece of his Grandma’am in the games? Idk this made zero sense it was a stupid thought

Two people in a garden at night, with wind chimes, sounds romantic in any other context. 🥺🥺

Ummm does everyone in the entire district know Katniss and her father used to hunt together?

Oh nevermind, Lavinia is not from District Twelve. My bad, guys. I should go up and edit my previous thoughts but that’s a lot of work. 😅😅😅

Katniss, stop being so hard on yourself. You and Gale were kids. 😣😣

Ummm, Katniss for a girl always complimenting Peeta’s storyteller, you’re pretty good at painting a picture yourself...

Peeta noticing she’s shivering 🥰🥺

He gives her ... his jacket 😭😭😭😭 such a romantic troupe Samantha, get over it there’s literally children dying

Oh wow, Lavinia was from the Capitol originally. Hmm, it is sus now that she got District Twelve this particular year.

But also 🤧🤧🤧 “he secures a button at my neck.”

His hands .... are .... often .... at her .... neck .... 😶😬 .... look away, y’all

Oh wow, Katniss is over here thinking, “who’d leave the Capitol if they were from here???” And Peeta’s like instantly, loudly, without hesitating, “well I would 🙋🏼‍♂️”

Hot take, y’all ready? Peeta was a bigger rebel than Katniss from the start. At least internally.

Awww, Peeta is so jealous 😭😭😭😭 and kind of nosy 🤭🤭🤭

Katniss : “me and Gale are not related” Peeta : “😬🙃😭😩😶”

“I'd set out to tell her I was sorry about dinner. [...] my apology runs much deeper. [...] I let the Capitol kill the boy and mutilate her without lifting a finger. Just like I was watching the Games.” I feel like this is actually a good comparison though, because of you grew up in a society where you have to watch kids die, your whole entire life you’ve watched it in a glorified television show, you would be really desensitized to it...

“You don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope.” Here she’s talking about Lavinia but it applies to Peeta too. Katniss was Lavinia’s last hope and she feels like she let her down but Peeta was her last hope once and he came through. And, as she said in chapter one, she’ll never forget him for it. And for other things too. Later on. 😏

Of course my last bullet point was focused on Everlark 🤣 is anyone surprised you shouldn’t be we all knew who this post was written by right? 😅

And once again, if too made through this marathon, congratulations 🥳🥳🥳🥳 maybe next chapter I’ll talk less not likely though so don’t count on it 😅

#thgagain #not even gonna reread this so it’s for sure littered with typos 🥳🥰😅🤭😬🙃😭🤗😏😶

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rcyharper · 6 years ago

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can you explain why you don't like new 52 roy? i don't know much about him so i'm curious

I’m gonna paste an edited version of an old answer I’ve given before. It’s kind of long so I’ll put it under a cut.

The gist of it is that the New 52 basically changed everything about him. His origin, his heritage, his history, his relationships with the Titans and Arrow family, his personality, his addiction, and so much more. They literally changed everything and none of it actually helped his character– most of these changes were made to prop up Jason Todd and Roy’s relationship to him. They were made to justify him being labelled an outlaw- a label pre-RP Roy would have never taken.

They completely disregarded his Navajo heritage. They removed his band tattoo on his bicep and replaced it with tattoos of a scorpion and a skull. His Navajo tattoo actually had meaning to him– we actually saw the story of where and why he got it, and we know how much and what it means to him. It’s important to him because it ties him back to his culture and it was the tattoo he got when he was officially officiated as a member of the Navajo Tachini tribe. His N52 tattoos generally have no meaning or point. They’re just… there. We never saw how or why he got them or what they mean to him. To me, they’re just there to make him look more “rebellious” to try to justify him being labelled an outlaw. His Navajo heritage gave him a unique perspective on life, whereas N52 Roy is just like any other guy. Him being Navajo also gave him a home he could always return to when needed, and his perspectives about family, death, life, etc. always added a unique layer to the character. Also, him growing up in a tribe came with a love of the outdoors and growing up with archery– that’s the reason he loves archery and is so good at it, it ties him back to his home and it’s something that was always a part of him. Granted, Rebirth did bring back his Native heritage but it was only in the GA issues he was in (which some writers, aka old Lobdell, didn’t bother to read and hence ignored.)

Another change the N52 made that I hate: his relationship with his fathers. Roy has three fathers: Roy Harper senior, Brave Bow, and Oliver Queen. They’re all inspirations to him and he looks up to all of them, but N52 made him hate 2 of them and erase the other one. Basically, what they did with each of them:

Like I mentioned before, N52 erased his Navajo heritage, so with that, Brave Bow was erased as well (he was brought back in Rebirth though, though they changed his name to Big Bow.)

Roy Harper senior, his biological father, was a forest ranger that died in a fire when Roy was 3 years old. He died saving a man (Brave Bow) who took Roy in. Roy senior was a hero Roy always looked up to and strived to be like, but N52 changed his father into a generic stereotypical absentee father who’s an alcoholic. Just another asshole father, how original…

As for his relationship with Oliver… while yes, Oliver and Roy did have their infamous fight pre-FP, but they never hated each other. This is a huge misconception among people. If people actually read the story where the fight happened, they’ll see that it ends with them being on okay terms, but moving in their own way. After spending some time apart doing their own thing, the two become closer than ever once they reunite and start getting closer again. They’re very much a father and son who love each other as any healthy father-son does. N52, however… changed that. It made them hate each other way into the present day, and removed a loving bond between the two that made them so close. it didn’t help help either of their characters and just made them both seem to be like assholes because of the things they’ve done.

I have a lot more problems with Roy and Ollie’s relationship in the N52, I’ll get to them in a later point. But like I said, this point was about how N52 absolutely destroyed Roy’s relationship with his fathers.

Another thing I despise about N52 Roy is… Lobdell always wrote him as someone who needed to be taken care of. Someone that couldn’t be independent, which is just… the exact opposite of Roy’s character. Pre-FP Roy, after making his mistakes, goes solo to find himself and make amends. He, solo, worked on becoming a better person and making the world a better place so people wouldn’t go through what he did, and later, he was a single father who raised a daughter alone and he was a good father. N52 Roy always implied that Roy had to be babysat by Jason and couldn’t be left alone, or that he was too much of an idiot to handle himself (oh, how Lobdell loved to remind us that his Roy is dumb.) N52 kept portraying Roy as always needing to be with Jason or hating being separated from Jason and Kory… making him be so dependent is so against his character. He was completely independent when he went solo. He even refused to rejoin the Titans at first because he wanted to do things solo and find himself, and most importantly… he was a single father! A responsible father who independently raised a daughter… that’s why him being dependent is literally the opposite of his character.

And then there’s his addiction… N52 changed his addiction from heroin to alcohol (it was changed back in Rebirth but still.) Addictions are not and should not be treated like they’re interchangeable. The original drug addiction story, Snowbirds Don’t Fly, was an award winning story that changed the landscape of stories that could be told in comics. It was that good, and changing for just a generic addiction story is pretty ridiculous. The original story showed that Roy was the one who kicked his addiction away, all because of his will and drive to kick it away. He was the one who wanted to get rid of his problem. With some help from people around him (aka Dinah), he kicked it away and was determined to be a better person because of it. He wanted to become an educator and volunteer to help people dealing with addictions like his, and he wanted to help fight drug dealers and help fight the drug problem. That’s why he joined the DEA– he wanted to help people who went through what he did. Roy appealed to a specific demographic of teenagers that fell low and fell into drug addiction– something that hasn’t been done before with any other character– and he served as a role model as someone who overcame it. N52 just got rid of all that and not only changed his addiction type, but had him be completely be saved by someone else (who he shouldn’t have any relation to in the first place). N52 focuses on him relapsing and being tempted back all the time, which is against what the character stands for. The whole point is that he’s someone that wants to move on past his mistakes and become a better person and let others see him for who he is as a hero, but N52 keeps throwing his addictions back at him and him being literally labelled an “outlaw” is something pre-FO would never accept because it goes the entire idea of him wanting to move past his past and being something better, letting people see him for the good he’s done. He’d never accept being labelled as some sort of outcast, because that’s not what he is.

And then there’s his relationship with… Jason… first, even if they were in a team together, there’s no way in hell Jason would be the leader over Roy. That’s just ridiculous. Roy has led the Titans, Checkmate, and the Outsiders. He’s more level headed, nowhere near as damaged, and has so much more experience. Not only has he led all those team, but he led them well. Even Dick said he was a great leader and that he should lead the Titans in his absence. Roy’s character was completely changed to justify him being on a team with Jason that labelled him an “outlaw”. Roy was 19 when he met Jason, who was Robin at the time, and probably no older than 12 or 13. In that same story, Roy discovered he was a father. There’s just so many levels of maturity and experience Roy has above Jason. Jason being the one to take the shots makes no sense at all.

I also hate how all his relationships and history are disregarded to justify him being an outlaw and to prop up his relationship with Jason. Just some of the relationships that were gone include:

His relationship with the Titans? Completely gone and watered down to prop up their friendship. Lobdell takes every opportunity he can to insult Roy’s relationship with the other Titans to show Jason as his one “true” friend. Even when he wasn’t writing Roy in Rebirth, he still decided to include someone stupid line about how Roy was drinking because he was with the Titans, even though there was literally nothing in the Titans book actually indicating that, even more proof that Lobdell doesn’t bother to read other books and just makes up his own stuff. As a side note, relating to what I said about how Lobdell handles his addictions earlier, he seems to be the only writer show throws them back at him when he’s (aka N52 and that one crappy RHATO annual, and even a line in a book Roy isn’t in that makes, and most of it doesn’t make any sense when you look at what Roy is actually doing in Rebirth.) They literally were never thrown back at him in Rebirth except for one line in a comic written by Lobdell that Roy wasn’t even in. In just one and the one issue he wrote Roy in Rebirth, Lobdell managed to throw his addiction back at him and managed to undermine his relationship with the Titans to imply that Roy hasn’t been happy since leaving Jason which completely ignores what’s going in the book Roy is actually in. Ridiculous. I mean, even when Lobdell the Wally/Speed Buggy book, it ended with Wally celebrating with the Titans, and it had every Rebirth Titan there except Roy. It’s like this guy just wants to erase that part of Roy’s history.

His relationship with Oliver? Completely scrapped and changed. I talked about just some of the problems i had with it earlier, but one of my biggest problems with it is that their father-son relationship was completely thrown out in favor of making it a… weird co-worker type relationship or whatever it was. Instead of making Roy a kid who Ollie took in and had to raise, they made him what was basically an employee/associate of Oliver’s who had a falling out because of business issues with the company. His problem with Oliver was the reason went into in addiction, but the N52 completely changed that to say oh, it was that kind of but it was also actually because of Jason’s death, someone Roy barely even knew when he died. His relationship with Ollie was completely damaged and destroyed to justify Roy’s position as an “outlaw” and to make him more relatable to Jason. (Rebirth thankfully changed it back to a father-son relationship)

Also, Roy recovering from his addiction? Instead of being by Dinah and Hal and the Titans, nope, they replaced all of them with, you guessed it, Jason Todd and fucking Killer Croc of all people… again, his relationship with people that were family to him was all completely scrapped for the development of Jason and Killer Croc, again to try to justify him being labelled an outlaw since he can apparently only seek help from outcasts and to prop up Jason even more.

Basically, what I’m saying is that all of Roy’s relationships with the Titans, the Arrow family, and any other character that had meaning to him were completely and utterly undermined for no reason other than to prop up Jason Todd and his relationship with Jason. None of these changes actually benefitted Roy himself (other than the horrible attempt to label him an outlaw), they just made him worse- but they all benefitted Roy.

Roy’s personality also changed a lot. Pre-FP was lighthearted, but he was also serious because of what he’s been through and he was smart and great at what he does. N52 changed him into a literal idiot (like I said, Lobdell loved reminding us of this) who can’t handle himself alone and has to crack a dumb joke every second and doesn’t take things seriously and has to be babysat by Jason. Even when they tried portraying to do things like build tech, they still wrote him as dumb. Roy’s always been someone that was good with tech, since he obviously built his arrows, weapons, so many high tech bases, etc. But the N52 chose to portray that intellect by portraying him as a mad scientist... that’s literally what they refer to him as multiple times, or a “rockabilly genius”. Basically, they wrote him so that he could only build tech, but he gets so carried away with it to the point where he either destroys a lot of crap while doing it or if he’s unsupervised, he’ll spend all their money on it. They wrote him as someone who was so irresponsible and had to be kept in check, whereas Roy is actually someone who builds things when he needs to. He’s someone who prefers to spend his time either with his family, training, or volunteering somewhere. He doesn’t spend his entire time building things for no reason, he has to plan something out, know why he needs it and adds it in. Technology is a hobby for him that he occasionally spends time on, it isn’t an obsession and it’s nowhere near being his main focus. He was extremely dumbed down to serve a role of being the dumb guy who’s good with tech.

And it’s not even just relationships and history that were changed. They just changed him so, so much. His attitude towards life and how to deal with bad guys and killing, and his views on being a superhero were all changed from someone who genuinely wanted to be a hero to help people to someone who tried going hard and edgy and it just doesn’t work with what the character represents and is about. It all goes back to trying to fit him under the outlaw label– they changed his views and how hard he goes, what he is and isn’t willing to do, his tolerance on killing, etc. All of that changed to try to fit him and being an outlaw.

Another thing I’m not a fan of is one of the consequences of the bad attempt of labelling him an outlaw, which was his status in the hero community. Pre-FP Roy worked so hard on himself, to prove himself as Speedy and then Arsenal and then Red Arrow. He cares so much that other heroes see him for who he is and not his past and respect him for work, and he more than earned that respect. When he took on the Red Arrow name and joined the league, it meant so much to him because of him finally deciding to take on the family name and legacy, and to be up there fully after all he’s done. N52 made him an outcast in the hero community, made the league and all other heroes look down on him instead of being his friends. He looked up to the heroes and wanted to be treated as an equal among them, and he was-- he was just like any other hero, but that was all thrown out to, once again, justify him being an “outlaw”.

Another consequence of trying to label him an “outlaw” is that he just… doesn’t look like Roy Harper. Like, at all. I’ve already talked about how they replaced his Navajo tattoo with edgy tattoos to make him look edgy in the beginning of this, but it goes even beyond that. The extremely long and messy hair and the way he dresses so badly is just… not Roy. Roy is definitely someone who takes care of himself. Like I said before, he cares about how he presents himself and the type of image he sets, so this whole “don’t care” attitude they tried reflecting in his clothing and hair just didn’t make sense for the character because he does care, he’s not a rebel. Plus, there’s also the whole infamous trucker cap thing that they had him wear… not only does it make for such an awful look, but it’s also not practical, and Roy is someone who works a lot about the practicality about how his suit works, and he cares about being the best possible superhero he can be, and he doesn’t like wearing a cap beyond his Speedy days, let alone a stupid trucker cap. Also, the way he was drawn just didn’t look like him. Side note, but most of the time, he was drawn a lot smaller than he is for some reason, and for some reason the shape of his head was just… off. He just doesn’t look like himself at all. His whole look is just too messy and that isn’t Roy.

Roy just doesn’t fit the “outlaw” label– he never has, and the fact that they had to change so, so much about his character to try to justify it is proof of that.

And finally… most importantly… Roy being a dad, and the erasure of Lian Harper. When Roy’s a dad, he was something to fight for. He has a reason to be a superhero and do what he does, to be responsible and to be more mature than he already is. Him being a dad completely changed him and gave him a reason to strive to become a better man than he already was, all for his daughter. He helped so many characters because of how his fatherhood changed him. Him being a father gave him so much happiness and brightness in his life despite the mistakes he made before. On top of that, Roy became a father when he was young. He risked his life just to see Lian and take her in. He could have easily ignored her and left her with Jade, but he chose to actively seek her out and risked his life to do so. He wanted to be a father. He wanted to raise his daughter right and be an inspiration for her, and to me that just shows the kind of man he was.

Being a father is one of Roy’s biggest character traits. It isn’t just some random thing, it was part of his characters for literal decades. It’s so much of who he is and holds so much of his development, and the erasure of it just changes so much about him for the worst.

Roy’s a character that meant something. He had a unique story with a unique background and perspective on life. Despite the mistakes he’s made, he still fought hard to strive to become a better man and hero. His relationships with the Titans and Arrow family and were such a huge and important part of his history. All those characters mean so much to him and they’re all his family, and they were closer to him than anyone. He was a Titans and Green Arrow character, after all. He was a role model that readers and characters would look up to and be inspired by. He was a character that showed despite the mistakes he made, there was always room for redemption and the path to becoming better and learning from your mistakes to become a more inspirational and better man.

And the N52 just threw that all out the window… and for what? Nothing good.

#asks #roy harper #don't read if you like rhato #or n52 #or lobdell #or jason #>_>#i would have just linked the old post but i reread and changed soem stuff and added stuff in so

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chonideno · 6 years ago

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Hey, deep question, how do you deal with growing up, becoming an adult, handling ppl's expectations and all that kind of crap? Ive graduated last summer, start my 1st real job tomorrow, and i'm a weird mix of completely numb/in denial and freaking out/completely lost and anxious. Idk, maybe you have some magical answer or smth.. Love your work, thank you for sharing them with us

Hey, wow that’s a lot! First of all, congrats on the graduation and the job! And I know the feeling, been there, done that. I don’t know if what I have to say will be right for you, everyone deals with this a bit differently, but here goes:

Take a step back, get some perspective. I know it’s tempting to live the moment very intensely (especially with your first day coming up), but breathe in, take some distance.You’re young. You’re just starting. Whatever stress is coming your way is not going to be the end of you. Think of yourself in a year, think of your end-of-2019 self: they’ll be much different from who you are today, and you have to work through this growth. It might take a toll on you, a lot will happen in a year, but you’ll get there. You’re fine. You’re right where you need to be. it all seems big because you’re right at the start of the journey but it’s okay. None of it will be the end of the world.

Don’t try to be everything at once. I did this, all of my friends did this, and we all crashed and burned so let me save you the trouble. Maybe one day, if you want to, you’ll be that person who wakes up at 6 without an alarm, does meditation and morning yoga, spends thirty minutes learning a foreign language then goes to work for nine hours, then goes to the book club and then to the gym, then to the bar with friends, stays on top of all the art shows in town, takes care of three pets, meal preps, volunteers at the local orphanage, runs a semi-marathon every Sunday and is currently thinking about writing a book. Maybe you’ll be that person. But right now, don’t. Take it one step at a time. If you try everything at once you’ll give up in a week and never try again. I highly encourage you to try new hobbies and cultivate new habits, but do it gradually. All in due time. Let it grow on you. Maybe try to wake up early? You’ll know when you’ll be ready for the yoga. (Talking about yoga, if your job involves lots of sitting, please look into hip stretches they will save your lower back)

About expectations, honestly you have to shrug them off. Figure out what you want, and work on that. If you see yourself in 10 years as a real-estate owner with a spouse and two kids, then work on that. If you want something else, keep your focus on that. Expectations coming from friends and family are hard to deal with but if they don’t fit you, honestly tell them. Make it clear that’s not a mold you’ll fit and that’s that on that. It’s fine, once again. You’re where you need to be. Hopefully you have a good 80 years ahead of you, if you ever fit into one of these molds do you think you’ll stay in there forever anyway? There’s no permanent state of the self babey just do your thing

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Adulting is hard, and like the rest of us you’re going to learn on the job. You won’t be perfect in life, or at your new job from the first day. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll fuck up, because you have so much to balance - the bills, the chores, the social life, the hobbies, it’s all your responsibility now. Once again, breathe, take some distance: you’re fine. The mistakes you make won’t stop the earth from spinning. Figure it out, work through it, watch YouTube tutorials if applicable. One thing at a time. If you have a lot going on, pick one or two things and put the rest in a box until you’re ready to move on. I promise you’ll be doing fine.

For the love of fuck, take care of yourself. Remember to eat, keep your environment clean and healthy, and most importantly, sleep! A good sleeping schedule can save you, I promise you it’s primordial. Take care of your health and body, you’re stuck with those. If you’re like me and you forget to eat when you’re stressed out, go get yourself some multivitamins, they’ll save your butt.

Learn how to cook, learn how to sew basic things back together, keep all your important papers in folders, keep an eye on your finances, ask lots of questions on your first day. What you have a head of you is a lot. But you’ll be fine, I promise!! I was a shaking mess when I was in your shoes and now I’m a functioning adult. It doesn’t mean I have a white picket fence and my life is held together by delicate silk ribbons, it means I know how to roll with the punches now. I figure it out. I know my limits. I know what I want. You’ll get there, I promise. One thing at a time, it’s really the most important thing you need to keep in mind. Slow and steady.

Good luck on your first day!! I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow ♥

#adulthood is a lot!! welcome to the circus!!#no one knows what he fuck they're doing but the most important is to have fun #so go slow #ask for advice #and in doubt: what would morticia addams do?#anonymous #mag answers

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archatlas · 7 years ago

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Hii, I'm graduating soon from high school and am planning on studying architecture. Is there any words of advice, or perhaps something I should be careful about? Anything really; how was it for you when you started everything? I love your blog btw!

Thanks!

Here are some words of advice for incoming architecture students originally published in ArchDaily that I consider very complete.

MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR TIME

School is what you make of it, so give it your best.

Ask Questions: You will (most likely) never be in this type of learning environment and be surrounded by this many intellectuals again, so make the most of it.

Teach yourself: Even though you’ll be learning from your teachers and fellow students, it’s important to teach yourself the things that aren’t always included in the curriculum. The internet is home to a beautiful, magnificent, constantly-updated treasure trove of tutorials.

Organize & catalog your research: In the digital age, information can be excessive and overwhelming. Taking the time to organize your research not only refines your results, but helps develop your taste and can serve as a tool in the future.

Travel: Nothing can compare to experiencing a city or building in person - and it will look good on your resume.

Read all that you can: Use your school’s library to comb through journals and books. Follow your favorite site’s RSS feeds.

Don’t be afraid to question your teachers: It can be tempting to gain favor with your tutors by doing everything they say, but there are many ways to approach architecture and becoming a clone of someone else isn’t always the best way. You’ll produce more interesting and individual architecture by learning from your teachers, but also questioning them occasionally.

Persevere: Frustration will be part of your everyday life when studying architecture. Each year will test your resolve to continue in the profession, but if you love the work, keep mind of the big picture.

Be Patient: Listening to an arrogant colleague or professor might be hard work, but there is always something to learn – even if it’s just what not to do.

Create freely: Schools are there to open our minds. Don’t let others close it. Often you will not find reasons for some architectural decisions you make. Just believe in your will. You have just five years of total experimental freedom.

Go to class: Though this may seem like a no-brainer, often Architecture students skip lectures to work on studio projects. Not only are you depriving yourself of a break from studio and a well-rounded education, it’s the worst form of disrespect to your professors who have spent time preparing their lectures.

Stay busy: Though downtime is rare, find a measurable and resolvable problem to work at when you have it. Enter competitions or try solving problems in your immediate environment, like making your studio more environmentally friendly.

STAY SANE AND HEALTHY

Architecture school can be strenuous, but you’ll be far more effective as a fully functioning student than as an overworked zombie.

Don’t be competitive: School is about learning, not about “one-upping” your classmates. The mindset of comparing your work to others in a creative field is not only nonsensical, but dangerous.

Get some sleep: There’s nothing romantic or cool about slaving away all night at a project. With proper time management and hard work, all-nighters can be avoided. Sometimes, you might find that it’s unavoidable, but try not to make a habit of it.

Join a soccer/frisbee/croquet/dance/etc team: Exercise and time away from studio does a body good. Dodgeball, anyone?

Purchase wisely: Some universities will ask you to show up with pencils, pens, set squares, charcoals, watercolors, and hundreds of dollars’ worth of books. Architecture is one of the most expensive degrees as it is - so when you’re starting out, it’s best to wait and see what you’ll actually use.

Enjoy every new project: Every project should be a long moment of joy and fun. Change the mentality of differentiating work and vacations – Architecture must be both the greatest love and challenge in your life.

Stay energized: Eat full meals at proper times whenever possible. When it isn’t, make sure to keep healthy snacks available - a tin of almonds and cashews or a crate of clementines can save your life.

Cook for yourself: Pack lunch and dinner if you can - it doesn’t take much longer to cook a little extra. Around deadlines, preparing in advance can save you money and give you extra time in studio.

Make friends: The importance of a support system, and the simple company of others cannot be understated. Don’t fall into the trap of the lonely genius; you could miss out on lifelong friendships and possibly business partners.

BE A GOOD STUDIO NEIGHBOR

These are people you’ll be working with for 4-5 years so leave a good impression!

Respect others: Unless you’ve been given explicit permission, don’t touch other people’s models and don’t rifle through the stuff on their desk. It sounds like common sense, but sometimes curiosity can get the best of you.

Respect the space: Keep studio a place for work. Architecture school can be fun, and it’s easy to get side tracked by good friends after many long working hours. However, keep the fun – especially if it’s loud, to other parts of the school where people aren’t trying to do their work. Take calls outside and listen to music on your headphones.

Keep spare clothes/deodorant in your studio locker: There’s no real replacement for a shower, but your colleagues will thank you for your consideration.

A tin of mints goes a long way: They can help with everything from long nights to coffee breath to networking.

Make it clear when you want to work: Nothing says, “do not disturb” like a hoodie and headphones.

PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE

Not only will this help you have an easier time after you graduate, you’ll learn more about the profession and do better in school.

Build your network: Your classmates are your greatest resource for collaboration. What better time to reach out than when the consequences are the least severe they’ll ever be?

Keep your options open: School is an opportunity for trial and error. Architectural education is a multi-faceted one, often touted as the last true Liberal Arts degree. Many graduates go onto multi-disciplinary practices – fashion, graphic design, industrial design and publication are just a few options.

Build: Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity or get involved with programs that give you hands on experience. A set of drawings on a piece of paper will never teach you the beauty of a perfectly laid brick wall or the elegance of a wood connection. More and more schools are embracing design/building studios, where you will have the opportunity to learn more about how to actually build. If you have the chance, take one of those studios!

Learn to write: Writing is an invaluable skill in architecture that’s closely rooted to the successful communication of design ideas. Write. Edit. Repeat. Better articulation often results in a clearer design process and you’ll develop a better appreciation for what to say during reviews and crits by practicing in writing.

Stay humble: The greatest trap of architecture school is to believe that you are better than others. Recognize that you will always be a student, constantly learning. You are here to provide a service for others – not greedily guard your ideas and look down your nose at those who don’t understand “good design.”

#Dear ARCHy #Architecture

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eeveelutionsforequality · 7 years ago

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(1) As much as I know of the self diagnosis vs self advocacy debate, I haven't seen anyone talk about how to self advocate when it comes to mental health. I strongly suspect I am bipolar, since I have a confirmed history of major depressive episodes, but I also have periods of experiencing symptoms of hypomania. I was also subjected to bullshit social skills classes in high school (I'm autistic), which among other things, taught me to communicate indirectly to avoid hurting people's feelings.

(2) I know it is caused me problems with communicating, but I am still in the habit of doing that, and I realized that may be why I'm not getting anywhere when I bring it up to my therapist. I'm not comfortable with resorting to self-diagnosis at this time, but I also think the lack of a correct diagnosis is why therapy has not been helping me cope as much as it could. How do I bring it up in a way that will let my therapist know I want her to address my concerns?

I praise self-advocacy as an alternative to self-diagnosis, because those ballsy enough to walk into a psychiatrist's office or a conversation and declare "I have [thing]" are probably able to more rationally approach the subject in a "These are my symptoms and I think it could be this..." way. But just like how autobiographies aren't the only kind of biography, self-advocacy is far from the only kind of advocacy.

You don't need to be your own advocate, somebody else can come along and advocate for you - a friend, a family member, a volunteer from one of the local advocacy groups, etc. There's a group near me that advocates specifically for autistic people, for example.

If your conversation skills are inhibiting you from being able to adequately discuss things with a professional, you don't have to do it alone - it's definitely worth doing some googling, popping into some places that have leaflets for that sort of thing, etc, and finding out what's available near where you live if there's nobody in your life that can do that for you.

I have two advocates - one is a family member and one is an honourary family member. I do research, send it to them, and they keep notes about my symptoms, fluctuations, things I've shown them, etc, so that my memory issues don't become a barrier between me and what I want to explain. It's a life-saver.

At my last appointment, one came along and helped me fill in the forms, meaning that I got about twice the information down that I would've got down if I was relying on only my own brain. When I had to go to a tribunal, one came along then too, and they were excellent at spotting how the judge was trying to twist my words and butting in to correct him.

If you're more comfortable self-advocating then there are a number of things that you can do to make the process easier.

Firstly, keep a diary. Every day you need to write down your symptoms, your mood, notable moments, things you want to ask the doctor, food, fluid, sleep, alcohol, etc. Take that with you.

Secondly, go over that before the appointment and write yourself a "script". It doesn't need to be detailed or word for word, just get down the most important points and the way in which you want to convey them (NOT the way in which the memory of social skills classes tells you to convey them, but what you'd want somebody to say to you if they were trying to convey this effectively to you). Take that with you.

What I did with my DID was write a draft script on a piece of A4 paper a couple of weeks beforehand, and then I let my alters add to it or make notes on it with their opinions - I took that in with me and showed the doctor, and the differences in handwriting and wording had a much bigger impact than I was expecting and really helped in getting them to seriously consider that possibility.

Thirdly, don't waffle. I know it's tempting to be like "I have to get all of the details out in the first speech", but the therapist is going to ask questions afterwards. Boil what you need to say down to its key components, the facts that you need her to understand as the foundation moving forwards, and work out how to effectively convey those in less time than somebody would get the urge to interrupt - no tangents, no innuendo, just "This. That. The other thing too." But don't skip important details for the sake of brevity - find the balance.

Fourthly, make sure that you have the right psychiatrist. The counsellor that I had in college and the clinical psychiatrist that I had in hospital were both able to pick up on the things that made me more comfortable and more able to speak, and both knew not to interrupt me - the two of them learnt more about me and made me more comfortable than any other professional, just by letting me drink a hot chocolate and doodle on my phone. The psychologist who did my mindfulness therapy, on the other hand, insulted me for using my phone and my wall became 87% thicker in less than a second. You have to be working with somebody who lets you speak and who understands the way in which you speak.

Fifthly, if you know what helps you speak, tell them; if you don't know what helps you speak, begin the conversation with words to the effect of "I'm really struggling to get this out, but I prepared really hard, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd let me say my piece, and then we can discuss it afterwards instead of you interrupting me and making it harder for me to get out what I need to get out." If they then interrupt you, remind them that at the beginning of this they promised not to do so.

Remind yourself mentally that this is your therapy, this is your recovery, this is for you, this is important, and you deserve to be heard.

Sixthly, do research but downplay how much research you've done... "I stumbled across something that accurately described my experience and they called it hypomania" sounds a lot better than "I heard of hypomania on tumblr and spent twelve hours researching it" because the latter says to a doctor "I convinced myself that I have this because it sounded cool".

I was seeing psychiatrists back when the emo fad started, I was talking to them at the height of "Teenagers are all pretending to have depression because they read about it on the internet and think it's cool" days, so I know first-hand how eager some professionals can get to jump to that conclusion - unfortunately, there were times when seeing doctors felt more like a test of my ability to word the truth in a more digestible way than an opportunity to actually talk about how I was feeling.

An essential part of research should be to get your terms right - I fucked up back in the day because I referred to my compulsion to mime slitting my wrists or shooting myself in the head when I'm panicked as a "suicidal gesture" (however there's a medical term, "suicide gesture", that sounds almost identical and it means when you feign a suicide attempt by injuring yourself in a non-deadly manner, typically for attention) and not as a compulsion, which is part of how my OCD diagnosis got wrongly changed to a BPD diagnosis. I had never even heard of the terminology, I was just saying "I have to do a suicidal gesture when I'm panicking" meaning "When I'm panicked I have the compulsion to mime ways in which I envision killing myself", it was just poor wording, I had no idea that it was a medical term with an entirely different meaning. That created a huge misunderstanding, as you can imagine.

Seventhly is some advice that a friend gave me and honestly it's one of the best things that I've ever heard and comes in two parts: 1) play to your strengths, and 2) use your acting voice.

So part 2 is the easy one, everybody has something called a chest voice - it's a deeper voice that you use when singing or performing that projects better. Look up some YouTube videos on how to use your chest voice and practice it - it conveys a confidence that most people's normal voices do not. You could also stand in front of a mirror and work on your facial expressions.

Part 1 is a little more complicated and probably something that people will frown upon me for saying but... in this world you gotta be a little manipulative sometimes, you've got to assess situations and respond accordingly, you've got to word things certain ways.

I'm a very small, quiet person with an accent that immediately halves my IQ to everyone who hears it, it is near enough impossible for me to convey an air of superiority and maturity, but it's easy for me to play dumb and sweet. I can't get the psychiatrist to shut up by being somebody who sounds like I know what I'm talking about, if I get annoyed or snap it won't look like anger (I'm too quiet and I physically do not possess angry face muscles, I hate it), but if I go quiet and stare sadly at the floor then people notice and ask what's wrong. I can't get somebody to inherently assume that when I name a disorder I know what I'm talking about, but I can pretend that I've never heard of it or heard it in passing, and lead them into suggesting it.

I'm an extreme case in this regard and it's usually not a good idea to hide your real emotions and act when you're in a scenario where somebody is literally monitoring your body language for signals... there are definitely hardcore disadvantages and risks to that, and I am most certainly not recommending misleading your doctor, in fact I'm actively advising against doing that (I'm just saying that I do that sometimes, because I'm a dick and because my voice trying to yell "Shut the fuck up!" when I feel that angry usually only earns an "It doesn't even sound like swearing when you do it, that's adorable." because I'm fucking cursed).

What I am saying though is that I can't tell you exactly how to act (in fact, I'd be encouraging you to do something that I literally just said is bad if I did tell you how to act), I can't tell you exactly what words to say, where to put your hands, etc. The tip here is that you've got to be able to improvise, to assess the situation, to adapt, to know what you are and are not capable of and work within that, to see when a path is either going nowhere or going off topic and figure out how to direct it back, you've got to know how to talk to that specific person (professionals are just people, at the end of the day, and every person is different in how they speak and how they like being spoken to - some respond best to you casually bringing stuff up, some respond to structure, some click with you, some really don't).

Eighthly and most importantly, don't let any of this get you nervous. This advice is almost a "How to survive some of the shittiest doctors I had" sort of thing. The most likely outcome is that they're going to listen intently to what you have to say, trust you, respect you, ask the appropriate questions, and help you make sense of what's going on.

I have no doubt that you can do this and that you will absolutely rock it - you don't need that confidence in yourself, but reminding yourself that it's going to go well, that you're badass, that the professional is there to help you, and that they'll want this information as much as you want them to have it, that stuff will help. Believe in the heart of the cards, or the power of friendship, or your Pokémon, or something.

So, to put all this into something vaguely actionable (although I can't really give you much specific advice because I don't know what's going on in your head, so this is just like... idk vague template example thingy), the foundation of what you want your doctor to know is "I have the symptoms of hypomania, I want you to seriously consider the possibility that this is bipolar and not just depression."

In your symptom diary, keep track of the symptoms of hypomania - irritability, sleeplessness, recklessness, elation, etc - note down when they show up, how bad they are, how they impact you, your food and fluid and alcohol intake, the times of day when certain things happened, how well and long you slept, etc, but also jot down the depressive episodes and other potential symptoms, in case you need to answer questions in regards to those.

Next, write down the key points that you want to bring up on a separate note: how often did the symptoms generally show up? for how long? which are the most damaging? what is the worst thing that happened as a result?

Now you're in the appointment with your note and diary, you've told the doctor "You know I have some communication issues so I really need you to let me say what I've prepared, because I feel like the fact that the things I'm about to discuss aren't being addressed is really inhibiting my therapy." The doctor has agreed to let you speak and you've got your notes in front of you, and you say (a more applicable to you equivalent of) "I started a symptom diary a little while ago, I've brought it with me - I made note of symptoms, food intake, medication, sleep, and so on. I noticed that I was getting exceptionally irritable and hyperactive, especially during periods of a few days when I wasn't exhibiting as many of the depression symptoms, and I've ruled out sleep, food, and other factors as causes. On the fourth of last month, I got so restless that I couldn't sit down and I actually gave myself blisters pacing back and forth for six hours - while during the depressive episodes I can barely even manage to walk to the bathroom let alone pace. I came across an article online while looking up ways to ease the irritability, and I found that a few people described things incredibly similar to what I was going through, and they used the term 'hypomania'. I was hoping that we could talk through the symptoms that I've documented, and you could help me get my head around what's going on and how to treat it."

Then the doctor asks her questions, you answer as honestly and fully as you can, and try to cite evidence from your symptom diary.

If you can't manage to say the words that you need to say to start off such a conversation, then instead of just writing notes you could fully write out what it is that you want to say, and ask them to read it - explaining that you feel especially anxious about your ability to vocally express this, but it needs to be addressed because it's negatively impacting your therapy and your state of life.

Or, as I suggested at the beginning, have somebody else come along as an advocate.

That's just my advice stemming from my own experience... for some people, this advice might be unhelpful. As I mentioned earlier, you need to assess your situation, assess what you are and are not capable of, assess how your doctor usually responds to you, what they respond well to and what they respond poorly to, and so on - everybody's situation is different, so there isn't a list of "This is exactly what to say and do to get a doctor to listen to you" (as much as the crowd of people who adore convincing doctors that they have the next fad would love for there to be something like that). Ultimately, like any conversation, it's about what works best for the two individuals involved in that specific conversation.

Since I've broached this less from a general self-advocacy stand point (heck, I may even have pissed off self-advocacy people because a lot of this was "tips on how to stop shitty doctors being shitty" rather than all of the stuff about keeping records and knowing your rights and so forth) and more from a "personalized tips pulled from Vape's ceramic jar of ways to avoid my shitty mistakes", I'm now going to give you a handful of links to some more professional self-advocacy sites, and I recommend that you do proper research on the topic for a few hours on google. As flattered as I am that you came to me, and as hopeful as I am that my advice helps in some way, me waffling about the ways I avoid getting screwed over again isn't professional advice - I'm very aware, as someone who's worked in a youth group, that I am not the fountain of all knowledge and that it is my job to pass you on to those more capable and to ensure that you know that my word isn't law.

So check out some of these and do more specific research and googling when you have the time (these aren't all about self-advocacy in medical care, some are about self-advocacy in other areas or advocacy in general, but I hope the advice may still be useful):

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/#.WlaI26CnzqA

http://www.familyaware.org/how-to-model-mentalhealth-selfadvocacy/

http://www.cooltanarts.org.uk/what-we-offer/self-advocacy/

https://www.voiceability.org/support-for-you/self-advocacy/

http://www.dhs.state.il.us/page.aspx?item=39797

https://www.ncld.org/archives/action-center/what-we-ve-done/self-advocacy-5-tips-from-a-student

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9767596

https://www.includenyc.org/resources/video-detail/10-self-advocacy-tips-for-young-people-with-disabilities

https://www.kidney.org/content/5-tips-self-advocacy

Also, full disclosure, I haven't thoroughly read all of these and I'm low on sleep and running on way more caffeine than I should really have had... I'm probably not in the best state to be imparting important information right now, but I really hope that somewhere in this jumble I said something that was useful. (I also love how the quality just gradually declines after I start craving a cigarette at the midway point... I'm so sorry.)

EDIT: PS I'm sorry that I got pronouns and job titles and stuff jumbled up all through this, uhh, my brain is running on super fast mode right now so it's not really accessing all of the important files or deeper processing. I'm sorry, again.

Alternatively, if your therapist is super great and trusts you "I think I've been experiencing hypomania, and I think this may be bipolar and not just depression" will work fine... but the symptom diary, that is a good tip for anybody and everybody, regardless.

~ Vape

#Mod Vaporeon #I really do hope this helps #also sorry if I'm acting a bit weird and sporadic #speaking of mania #I don't get many manic phases lately so I'm really not prepared for if this one lasts #and the caffeine is making it worse

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mrknucklesmcchucklehead-blog · 7 years ago

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I was 35 when I discovered I'm on the autism spectrum. Here's how it changed my life. by Zack Smith on January 29, 2016

"Do you hate crowds, especially at supermarkets and restaurants?" I avoided eye contact, which I knew I wasn't supposed to do. "Yes." If Dr. P. noticed, she was too busy looking at the questionnaire to let on. "Do you tend to repeat heard words, parts of words, or TV commercials?" I immediately flashed back to middle school, randomly repeating such phrases from TV as, "I don't think so, Tim," from Home Improvement. I was tempted to respond that way this time. Instead, I just replied with another, "Yes." "Do you have trouble sustaining conversations?" "Yes." "Is your voice often louder than the situation requires?" "Yes." "Do you find yourself resistant to change?" "Yes." "Do you have restricted interests, like watching the same video over and over?" "Yes." "Did you start reading and/or memorizing books at an early age?" Eye contact suddenly became much, much easier. "Wait — isn't that a good thing?" "It is. But did you do that?" I went back to boring a hole in the carpet with my eyes. "Yes." "Have you ever picked up and smelled random objects, like toys when you were younger?" "That's a sign?" "Sometimes. Did you do that?" "...yes." I wanted to puke. After a few more questions, she did some totaling. "Well," she finally said, "it's likely you have ADHD and social anxiety disorder, and you're on the autism spectrum." I slumped back into the overstuffed chair. "Great," I said. "Triple threat." I was 35 years old. There are, according to the Autism Society of America, 3.5 million Americans with autism spectrum disorder, approximately one in every 68 births. Based on reports compiled by the Society, the prevalence of autism has increased 119.4 percent just from 2010 to 2014. Courtesy of Lydia Brown and the Autism Self-Advocacy Network We’ve called autism a disease for decades. We were wrong. The research linking autism to vaccines is even more bogus than you think The errors — and revelations — in two major new books about autism It's not that more autistic people were suddenly being born. It's that doctors knew what to look for. A Danish study published in January 2015 suggests that diagnoses of autism are more frequent because of a broadening of diagnostic criteria over the years, meaning there could be generations of people with autism spectrum disorder who were never diagnosed. I knew, on some level, that I was autistic by the time I was in fifth grade. It wasn't because of Oscar winner and box office sensation Rain Man, which I was too young for; it was, of all things, a Baby-Sitters Club book called Kristy and the Secret of Susan, where one of the babysitters tends to an autistic girl. I don't recall all the details, but I do remember reading the book and asking my mom if I was like this, if it was why I needed "curriculum assistance" classes or why I'd been pulled from preschool and sent to "Project Enlightenment," an ultra-structured children's program downtown. Mom assured me I was not like that. Susan never spoke, and that wasn't me, was it? I moved on. I was already neurotic about reading "girls' books." By the time I reached college in the late 1990s, a new term had become a buzzword: Asperger's syndrome. I wondered if that was what I had. It explained so much — the obsessive memorizing of TV show trivia, the absolute discomfort at bars, clubs, and parties, the way I'd tune out most classes or social situations. Again, I was assured by my parents and friends who knew people with autism — that wasn't me. I had empathy! And I was doing well in school, I just needed to relax a little. In retrospect, they seemed more worried about how worked up I was over this than the possibility of an actual diagnosis. There's a stigma attached to autism that leads many families to avoid a diagnosis. But in attempting to diagnose yourself, it can feel like the things that make you unique are aspects of some sort of affliction, one that is permanent and incurable. A few years later, a good friend of mine was diagnosed with Asperger's. Then he told me he thought I exhibited some symptoms as well. I freaked. I had finally started to feel "normal." I had a job, I was finally comfortable with things like driving and calling up strangers for interviews — I was just a "late bloomer!" I broke down and told him I still cared about him, that I didn't see him differently, but that I didn't have what he had! I was finally growing up, I said. I didn't have some incurable disorder that separated me from everyone else. But I worried. Friends didn't quite know what to say when I brought up the possibility, often in tears and just short of hysterics. "You're just you," they'd say. Mom and Dad were practical: "Well, what if you are? What good does it do you to put a label on yourself?" They weren't being mean. They reminded me, over and over, that I was "doing well." They'd already seen me fall into periods of depression and nonproductivity when I was out of school and out of work, and didn't want me to return to that place. I'd pulled myself out of those spirals before they became too serious. But if a doctor told me I'd never be "normal," that my strangeness was something pathological, would that be the excuse I needed to turn into a complete lump? I was just one of those people who did "better" when I was busy, when I had structure. I just needed motivation. That was all. Eight more years passed. Asperger's became a fear, a phantom, and most of all an excuse. The idea that I might have this "condition" lurked in my mind. It was why I messed up, the nuclear option. If someone got upset with me because I didn't understand something or missed some hints they were trying to give me, I had, "Uh, I might have Asperger's" ready. It broke up at least one relationship. It prevented several more from happening. I was in a strange place. By that time, I'd made good connections — even friendships — with a wide variety of creative people. But other parts of my life felt paralyzed. My creative work was stalling. Setting and keeping any kind of schedule for myself resulted in overstuffed calendars and quick burnout. There were all the times I'd walk away from an encounter with someone new with the overwhelming feeling I'd done something wrong and had no idea what it was. If someone did get mad at me, I'd obsess over it, frozen in a moment of shame and self-hatred long after the other person had let it go. If I could succeed without the pills, that was proof that I'd "won"I considered therapy. But good cognitive therapists were expensive, and it seemed wasteful to potentially drain what little money I'd saved trying to quell what I told myself were such minor neuroses. Surely I could just power through my own problems. In the past, times like these usually ended when I had enough work — school, employment, personal projects — to keep my mind busy, unable to obsess over small things and let myself get "nibbled to death by ducks," as one editor put it. Ultimately, I persuaded my doctor to prescribe me some generic Zoloft. My parents were terrified I was going to have the miscellaneous "suicidal thoughts" the prescription warned about. I didn't, but it was a mixed bag. On the one hand, I felt a bit calmer and had more luck with work and dating. On the other hand, I still faced problems with depression, falling asleep in the middle of the day, keeping an irregular schedule. I'd been dieting for the past year and change, but now I had trouble taking and keeping weight off. Worst of all was that I couldn't feel excited on almost any level — I'd sit through TV shows and movies like a stone. I rarely felt attracted to girls. When I kissed one, it was like kissing my own hand. There was no sensation, just motions. Zoloft, it seemed, could get me a second date but didn't make me a lot of fun on the third. I started skipping pills or going off my prescription for a while entirely, saving a month's refill so I could use it if I knew I had a stressful period coming up. Inside my brain, the relief at not having to face "judgment" was twisted up with self-hatred and fear, along with a perverse sense of defiance. If I could succeed without the pills, that was proof that I'd "won." When I went off the stuff, it felt like second puberty — I'd go from clean-shaven to Wolfman Jack in a week. I felt excited again. I also felt like I was on a toboggan, headed down a snowy hill, accelerating faster and faster toward a brick wall. And I couldn't get off, because I liked the feel of the rush. Cleaning out my email folder, or seeing old social media posts on Timehop, it's amazing how many times I made the same complaint over and over: I needed to get something finished, or I needed a new project. I needed to get out of the house more, to spend more time around people, to stop being so hard on myself. Something needed to change in my life, or I needed to change in some way. I said so over and over, but I didn't know how. 10 things I want to teach my autistic son before he goes to college In January 2015, I started what I knew was going to be a stressful period. I was teaching a volunteer course for retirees once a week, taking a graduate course twice a week, and taking shifts at a used toy shop other days of the week, on top of my freelance writing and creative work. It was a lot, but I knew I could handle it. It took exactly two weeks for it all to collapse. Exactly one year ago today, I showed up for a shift at the used toy shop and was promptly fired. I'd been there two years, I was told, and still had no sense of what to do when they didn't explicitly tell me. I had all these other gigs writing and teaching, they said, and this clearly wasn't a priority. Worst of all, customers had complained: They preferred not to come in when I was behind the counter, ready to chat their heads off. Fridays, when I worked, used to guarantee the company a few hundred dollars of retail at least, and now there were records of multiple Fridays with no sales at all. I was costing my boss money because people didn't want to be around me. I'd failed at what was a fairly easy job because I was me. Because I wasn't fit to be around other people. My parents were due to arrive for a visit in two hours. I went home and felt all the symptoms that had hit me in the past take over: crying jags, nausea, coughing fits. I knew I wasn't sick; these symptoms were all in my head. But I didn't know how to turn them off. When my mom and dad arrived, they were understanding. But I told them I couldn't go on like this. I needed to get therapy and get on medication again, this time prescribed by a mental health professional. Research was done. Dr. P. was recommended as a specialist in the area, good at diagnosing spectrum disorders and helping people organize their lives. A few weeks later, I was answering questions about whether I picked up and smelled toys as a child. Decades after I'd begun diagnosing myself, it was official. But somehow I didn't feel "labeled." That sense that I was "wrong," that I was somehow deficient, wasn't there anymore. Instead, I finally understood the areas where I had problems, and why I had those problems. Now I could work on them. The psychiatrist Dr. P. sent me to said that we could try Strattera, the ADD medication I'd attempted in college, in conjunction with Prozac. Tony Soprano and "Here comes the Pro-Zack" jokes flashed through my head. The insurance company rejected Strattera, but they told the psychiatrist I could do Adderall and see if it worked. "If you have a bad reaction, we can apply for Strattera again!" the psychiatrist said, cheerful. It was a lovely thing to know I was taking a medication with the expectation that I would have a bad reaction to it, but it turned out I didn't. I could listen without feeling an absolute, overwhelming need to blurt something outThe first month was rough. I'd wake up throughout the night, an odd change from wanting to sleep all day. Instead of eating whenever I got stressed or anxious, I wasn't hungry, something I wouldn't realize until early afternoon, when the dizzy spells kicked in. For the first time in who knows how long, I found myself doing things like getting up at the same time every day and eating breakfast. Weird. Other things stuck around. The nervous coughing fits I developed with my firing continued, but a friend noted that they seemed to vanish when something held my attention. When they happened again, I'd find something to focus on, like a song or a TV show or something to read. Eventually they vanished, and when I would cough nervously about something I found I could overcome it right away. Little things became easier, too. Arguments with other people didn't stay in my head months after the issue had been resolved, reminders that I could push other people away. I started dating more, and if it didn't work out, I was able to move on with some new understanding. Errands were done. Garbage got taken out. Annoying forms were filled out, instead of lingering on my desk for months. If I had a weekend with some downtime, I felt an actual compulsion to leave the house or call a friend, instead of simply sitting around. Within a few months, I realized that while I still didn't feel the excitement I could with no medication, I could still enjoy things. I could follow the plots of movies and TV more easily, and when other people spoke, I could listen without feeling an absolute, overwhelming need to blurt something out. I asked Dr. P. what this feeling was. She said I was "content." I kind of liked that. The strangest part of all this has been that being honest about my autism has left other people unfazed. It'd come up, probably because I found some excuse in the conversation to mention it ("Oh, I know what you mean about hating small talk. I'm a little on the spectrum, so..."), and there'd barely be a reaction. I'd watch people's faces. No surprise. No discomfort. And the conversation would go on. Admitting that there were things I didn't understand somehow created a new common ground. No one fully understands everyone else, or the world around them. Many people try to do what I did and "power through" this with false confidence and assertiveness. Sometimes it works. But to know you have a weakness, to acknowledge it, and to treat it as a "what the hell" thing —that's almost more powerful. For most of my life, I'd been afraid discovering I was on the spectrum meant I was cut off from being able to maintain friendships, professional contacts, a romantic connection. It was the wall I was always afraid I was headed toward. But the real wall was my fear, of facing not what I was but who I was. And my parents had been right — I was doing well before. I just needed to find a way to let myself enjoy my successes and build upon them, instead of feeling like defeat was inevitable. In the end, 2015 was perhaps the best year of my life. It wasn't the major stuff — the new job I got teaching, getting accepted full time into the graduate program — it was just that I was able to feel a sense of momentum, of moving forward. Part of me wishes I'd had this happen a decade before. But the experiences I had without therapy and medication helped prepare me for the setbacks I faced, and granted me the maturity to face them. My story isn't typical. The autism spectrum is a broad and constantly redefined place, a frontier of the mind that's still mostly wilderness. The revised definitions of it in the DSM-5just a few years ago are still controversial — it's both easier to diagnose aspects of the spectrum in people and more difficult to determine if a formal diagnosis is necessary, if it's even a "problem." In my experiences I had the benefit of privilege, and of personal choice. No one forced me to get diagnosed or to take medication. I simply reached a point in my life where I felt like I could become a better version of myself if I confronted the areas of my life that seemed to hold me back. I can't say that my life is perfect. I have a great deal I need to accomplish in terms of better dieting, regular exercise, and being more productive in my writing. Some anxieties still hijack my brain, and dating and relationships remain, as they do for most single people, confusing. But I feel like I've learned. And I'm still learning. Learning is all about realizing possibilities in the world around you, and right now those possibilities seem extraordinary. In August 2015, Dr. P explained, slowly and with caution, that she was moving out of state to join a new practice and to be closer to family, so I'd need to change therapists, and that she'd help with the transition. She was relieved when my main reaction was to tell her I understood and congratulate her on the new opportunity. She called me a "success story." "A few months ago, you might have felt ... destroyed by upheaval," she said. "Things change," I replied, and I meant it.

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batch83 · 5 years ago

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Well done, you!

An LSE Journey Essay

Looking deep into ourselves to find our real motivation can be hard especially when everything around us have been going by in a blur. Our true purpose, should we ever find it early, tend to get lost somewhere between making a living, paying the bills, raising kids and running a hundred different errands. Before you know it, you're well into your middle age and wondering where did the last 10 years go. It is in this age that I started to question what my endgame is.

I was born in the North to Ilocano parents, raised in Metro Manila and educated in both private and government institutions. I majored in Architecture but majority of my work is in another discipline. For the past 13+ years in Singapore, I worked, and mostly enjoyed, working in Civil Engineering specifically in Geotech where we do a lot of underground works for tunnels and transport structures. Such a badass feeling for a female to actually do this in a predominantly male field! I left the Philippines not because there was a pressing need to provide. On the contrary, I have a stable but boring job in the city. I was surprised when I got the call from a foreign headhunter that, at the prospect of new adventures and since there's nothing to lose (they paid for all the expenses anyway), I relented and went along to see where'd I'd end up. Fortunately, fate has been good.

Being a migrant worker for most of my youth can be quite unsettling. I have all the time in the world in a new environment full of possibilities, earning a decent disposable income and not saddled with pressing responsibilities. When you're new in a foreign land, the allure of all things shiny are very tempting. It's these times that I went on a spree, a moderate one by standard, but to an Ilocano it's a spree nonetheless. Year in and out, I accumulated stuff that I liked and like to share with my family. But as my belongings grew and lugging them from one rental house to the next becomes harder, I thought "there must be more to gain in living here than this".

Enter social media.

I spent numerous hours scrolling, clicking and just wasting time away but it's an upside that I saw an A-LSE sponsored seminar on one of the shared posts. At this point I'm already indoctrinated in the concept of financial management by another OFW (also an admirable Fin-Lit and Social Enterprise advocate) and seeing the A-LSE program page with all the bright faces of the students, my curiosity was piqued. What is this group that makes people come together and learn new stuff to improve themselves? The FOMO (fear of missing out) is strong and I had to join in on the fun. I finally got in a year after putting my name down on the waiting list.

And so, the grind begins.

The program started with self-introspection -- who are you, what makes you get up in the morning, what's your mission -- its wading at the rubbish and finding the bits that radiate sunshine. It's the equivalent of doing the Marie-Kondo in your life and removing the clutter.

As a parent, my goal is to give my child the tools and opportunities that will enable him to achieve good things in life. Not great, but good. I can only lead him to the starting line, I will leave it up to him to finish it in ways he sees fit. Of course, to be able to do that I will need the financial capacity to provide for his primary needs but also to be there emotionally to support and guide him in his decisions. My goal is to show him the dignity in working and the joy of doing good, to impart the values I've learned from my parents, to have fun and appreciate the arts.

As a sibling, my goal to help them finish their tertiary education has been fulfilled. My siblings are now enjoying their chosen professions and has now embarked on new pursuits to ascend to the next level. Next is to help them map out their financial plans for the future -- that's a tactic to make them financially independent and not borrow money from me.

As a daughter, my goal is to see my parents enjoy the latter years of their lives and to help them come into terms that they need to step back and let their children take on the responsibilities on managing their estate.

As a person, my goal to become an instrument of change in however small way I can manage. Running for public office seems the easiest route but as I have no death wish and plan to live a longer-ish life, that's a no-go for me.

My goal is to achieve financial independence in the next decade, to establish my own enterprise, have enough to sustain my health coverage and retirement in the later years and leave a worthy legacy to my family. Lastly, I want to travel every year or every other year to places that are culturally rich and ‘gram worthy.

The 10 sessions have brought immense knowledge and insight about the core competencies of the LSE program. Journals have been written to provide a deeper insight for each session.

For Leadership, I find Tina Liamson's lecture on Migration & Principles of Leadership enlightening. The most fascinating has got to be from Dr. Juan Kanapi's Appreciative Inquiry. This is the first time I've heard of it and it's quite difficult to grasp the idea and can be easily confused with positivity. But at the end, It shows that if practiced AI is not just mind tricks but a powerful tool in realising your full potential.

The best lectures for Financial Literacy are the split sessions of Vince Rapisura and Edwin Salonga. (Edwin's lecture is about Social Entrepreneur but I remembered a lot more on his lecture about Finances, hence…) Who knew studying finance concepts could be this good? And most definitely not boring! I now have a deeper understanding about managing my finances better and learning that my current insurance is shit, which I really need to rectify soon. I can't tell you enough how the things I've learned from these wonder duos are gold. Call me by any other name (read: biased), but Ed's lecture is my most favourite of the lot.

The Social Entrepreneurship sessions have the most gravitas for these lectures carry the main core of the program. They're not all boring, mind you, but can be a bit challenging. The lectures on this series provided many useful tips for future entrepreneurial endeavors and is a big help in formulating our business plan. Other insights for the SE series can be read here and here.

At every journal writing, I try to reflect on what I've learned and think of ways to apply them in my daily life. Most often I find things and events that need to be tweaked or heavily redesigned in order for it to be aligned with my future goals. Most pressing of these are the consolidation of my assets and liabilities, and making a clear plan on mapping out my finances that will include my son's future education. The next point is to work on myself and how I carry myself as a leader starting at home. What better place to practice than to apply these learning in the household first? Hopefully, I will be able to improve my inability to forge meaningful connections to people by the time I have to build my own enterprise. I am not aspiring to be Miss Friendship, I'm ok with Miss Effective Boss or even Miss Influencer-For-The-Greater-Good. Tall order, I know, but we're allowed to dream and dreaming is free.

Joining the program made me realise the answer to my question, "So what happens now?"

During my first few years as a migrant worker, my goal is to save so I can buy gadgets to connect me home. After having a mobile phone, a laptop and the ability to call home any time, ano na? As I enter my 14th year of being a migrant, I've somewhat been able to achieve the things I hoped for. Not the millions of dollars in bank account **fingers crossed**, but a comfortable life. But that restlessness persists. Learning that there are available avenues to pursue these in the Philippines is a big help in making me step into the right direction closer to the things I wanted to become. Programs like these give hope. With that, I realise that there is more I can do back home than where I am currently at. I have the knowledge; I can share it -- starting with a small group of like-minded people who are willing to help themselves. Acquiring and sharing knowledge is free so I may as well start with that.

All the sessions have been audio recorded and kept in a cloud that I shared with family members. Many of the things Dr. Kanapi said are the things I so want to say to my father. Sharing it is just a click away, let him hear it straight from the board-certified horse's mouth.

I also plan to lead the residents in our small sitio towards a better understanding of financial management which can be instrumental in their livelihood. These people have been known in the family for decades. They have worked alongside our grandparents in tilling the land and their children continues to do so. While there have been advancements in their lives, I believe there is more to be done -- better education for their children/grandchildren, opening bank accounts, accessing government programs, using tech etc. I am excited to share with them the different concepts we have learned in the program, and also a good training ground for me to improve my leadership skills.

I highly commend the A-LSE program for striving to make the Filipino Migrant Workers' quest for relevancy and better lives. Much appreciation to A-LSE founding Team and the current secretariat who makes it run smoothly. The past month has been very trying but everyone has been great in providing feedback and extending their hands. For that, a big Salute! to everyone -- for the team and the speakers who traverse the globe every year.

As a program alumnus, I will most definitely uphold the values of the LSE in the best way that I possibly can. Sadly, my physical involvement with the LSE will not extend to the volunteer work for the next batch as I have made plans for the next year that will make it impossible to fulfill my duties on the site . However, I am willing to extend my skill/expertise in whatever way I can as long as it is done remotely.

Thank you, A-LSE.

Congratulations, Batch 83!

2019 will be remembered as the year I turned another leaf over.

#ALSE Singapore #My LSE Journey #ALSE Batch 83 #Ateneo OF-LIFE

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