#i'm scared of the fact it takes so much fucking energy just to force myself to get out of bed like i barely do anything and yet

[benevolentvampire]

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[plasmasimagination]

Um, hi! I hope you're doing well! I saw your match up event and I'd like to request a Genshin and HSR match up (if you still can ofc, I don't wanna force it owo). I don't really wanna be paired with any of the female characters (as much as I love em, I perceive them more as best friends or sisters than possible lovers, if that makes sense—).

1. My pronouns are she/her. My MBTI is ENFP.

2. I hope you don't mind if I give you more than my big 3 in Astrology, since the planets up until Saturn (especially Venus, since it's in conjunction with my Sun, and Saturn, since it's in conjunction with my Rising) are pretty prominent for me. My Sun is in Aries ♈️, my Moon is in Leo ♌️, and my Rising is in Cancer ♋️. My Mercury is in Aries ♈️ as well (natal retrograde), my Venus is in Pisces ♓️, my Mars is in Aquarius ♒️, my Jupiter is in Libra ♎️ (natal retrograde), and my Saturn is in Cancer ♋️ and a few degrees away from my Rising.

3. As for my appearance, I have a height of 147cm (idk what it is in inches and feet, but it's pretty short, I know, it runs in our family), and I'm on chubby side when it comes to my body, but I sure as hell don't have an hourglass body shape. I have wavy-ish black hair (currently experiencing some form of hair loss tho) that reaches just above my chest. I also wear glasses and my fingernails are often short because I bite them.

4. A lot of who I am is influenced by the fact that I have ADHD (mostly hyperactive/impulsive presentation), so I tend to be restless and hyperactive, energetic and talk excessively, sensitive and emotional (emotional dysregulation go brr haha). I have pretty strong opinions about a lot of things (mostly politics and social issues), but I'd be open to discussion that could possibly change my mind unless I consider the view to be morally or wholly wrong with regards to other people.

I consider myself to be intuitive and able to sense even the slightest change of emotion or energies within someone or in a room, wanting to be the one to support, comfort, and advise someone when they need it. Idk, I like feeling needed and wanted by others. I'm pretty expressive with my emotions and can become easily vulnerable and share/be open about them to others. I do know that I often don't like being told what to do or how to feel, in addition to becoming defensive, closed-off, and silent after being given certain criticism/comments.

5. As for what my friends think about me, they probably find me a bit too overwhelming, especially when I become too restless and overthink and about tasks, but I'm also kind of the mom friend in my friend groups, trying to be a lil level-headed and making sure everyone doesn't get into too much trouble. I'm also pretty affectionate with them, saying how much I appreciate and love them often, confiding to them about how I feel and vice versa. I enjoy showing and giving love to the people I care about, and sometimes I get scared that I'm too annoying or that I'm overwhelming.

6. Other info about me is that I love playing games, designing, and learning in general. My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. Because of my diagnosis and my experiences in life, I'd like someone who'll make me feel at ease, someone who won't judge or limit me, but instead support and be patient with me, especially when I (inevitably) fuck up. I like being reassured and having healthy communication okay—

I hope this isn't too much— Thank you so so much in advance, and please take care, wherever you currently are! Sending lots of energy and appreciation your way! 🥹🫶

Heyy sweetheart

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ALBEDO

Albedo is calm and analytical, he's a non judgemental being and always open to learn more about his sweetheart

Similar to you, he enjoys learning and designing, he's very open to any new knowledge, so there could be mutual conversations about different topicd

Albedos calm nature can provide you with reassurance, his patient and quiet attitude can provide you with a comfortable feeling without feeling overwhelming

He's willing to support and encourage your interests.

When combining this with his love for words of affirmations, it creates a comfortable environment all around.

As an alchemist, he appreciates you sharing your thoughts and feelings, opening an environment of healthy communication.

JING YUAN

Jing yuan, the perfect man

He's incredibly good at communication and reading people

He's the type of person that you could tell everything that bothers you without feeling like he's gonna judge you or disregard your feelings

He's a general, meaning he's dealt with a lot of new people at the job, he's got more than enough patience and rarely gets frustrated or mad

His love languages are mostly words of affirmations and physical touch

His sweet words and soothing voice could make anyone fall to their knees

Jing yuan is someone you can love for an eternity and he'll never get enough of it, his heart is always open and he'll definitely rainprocrate your love and offer you the same if not more back

[sweet-lost-husbands]

To Save You

Dean Winchester x Castiel | Whump | Injured Dean Winchester

Hurt/Comfort Word count: 3.2k Summary: Dean and Cas are on a hunt when things go sidewards. Dean gets hurt and Cas's powers are to weak to heal him so he has to improvise. Warnings: Serious injury, blood, gore, cauterization. Italics are the character's thoughts REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Dean opened his eyes as a big bold head with dark skin came into view from the side. In that moment he propelled himself from the tree and started into a sprint.

“Oh, not so fast little hairless monkey.”

Dean didn’t turn around as the guy swiped his hand, sending him onto a tree with a thud. Dean let out a shriek of pain as the wind got knocked out of him. He tried to fight it, the energy that was pinning him, crushing him against the trunk but the more he fought the more violent the ripples of pain were sent through his body. Dean watched helplessly as the angel neared.

A shiny blade fell from his sleeve and into his hand. “I’m going to gut you, and I'm going to enjoy it.” A feral smile twisted in his lips.

Each beat of Dean’s heart thundered through his entire body. As the angel held the blade up. “The last image you will see is your own intestines outside of your body.”

Quick, he just wanted a quick death but hell maybe he deserved a slow one. At least, there was one fact that wouldn’t change, no matter how much pain he would or wouldn’t be put through, at the end, he’d be set free of this world. Free of his father and his trauma and everything that haunted his dreams.

In a swift and accurate movement, the angel swiped at his abdomen but at the same time was jolted backwards. Dean shuddered as his flesh tore and blood poured out.

He sank to the floor half resting on the base of the tree. He watched as Castiel threw the angel against the ground, kicking him then taking out his own angel blade, swinging his arm with force and jabbing it through his heart. Even dead, the angel’s eyes and mouth opened, glowing a bright white light before fading.

Cas rushed over to Dean squatting at his side. Worry and concern relishing in his features. Cas placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him. Dean squirmed, trying to inch away from his grasp, he was to scared, to fucking scared. Dean was starting to become confused and disoriented. White spotted in his vision and a sharp pain blasted at his stomach.

“It's okay, I'm not here to hurt you. It's me, Dean. Your angel. Cas.” Cas’ voice was soft, but his eyes were laced with apprehension for what damage had been caused. He whispered little soothing nothings into Dean’s ear in hope they would coax Dean to let him help.

“Let me see your wound.” Cas slid a hand to the hem of Dean’s shirt readying to gently reveal the wound, but Dean pulled away, fighting off Cas’ hands. Cas withdrew trying to assess the wound from where he was. But all that he could see was red and a shit lot of it too.

“’m fine!” Dean shouted but his was voice hoarse with pain. There it was, his favourite phrase ‘’m fine,’ but the sad part was; he used it most of the time when he knew he wasn’t. It hurt like nothing he ever felt before. Everything was shaking and he gritted his teeth begging for the pain to stop. He didn’t want Cas to see it. He didn’t even want to see it himself. Right now, he could just pretend he’d gone through worse and just hope that it was okay. Even though he could feel the warmth of his own blood while his mind drifted and red stained his clothes and deep down, he knew it was bad.

“No, you're not, let me help.” Cas stared intensely at him, his beaming blue eyes grounding Dean but not yet conquering his acceptance. Dean tightened clutching his middle.

“Go away! I refuse to be a burden. I can patch myself up.”

Without warning Cas made the decision for Dean and drew closer once again. Dean swatted Cas’ hands away.

“Dean! Stop fighting me. I swear to god if you die, and I had an opportunity to help you-….. I can’t let that happen.”

Dean’s stomach radiated with pain and his eye lids felt heavy. Deep down he knew that he couldn’t afford to fight Castiel any longer.

Cas made eye contact with Dean giving him a serious look as a warning before he returned his gaze back to the wound and grabbed the bottom of Dean’s shirt. He half expected Dean to wriggle and object. When Dean didn’t do either of those things, Cas carefully lifted his shirt and started to analyse to damage, Dean winced as the fabric separated but too quietly for Cas to stop what he was doing.

Cas’ stomach turned at the sight of Dean’s torn flesh and the blood that pooled in the wound. It sickened him that this had happened to Dean and how much pain he was in. He’d do anything to take it away, to go back to before he was struck. If only Cas had reacted faster, killed the angel sooner, stayed at Dean’s side, this never would have ended like this.

It was deep and thin, running in a straight line from side to side on an angle but it didn’t seem to have hit anything vital. Cas knew how painful it would be, but Dean was doing his best to hide it. Bless him.

Cas would have to act quickly to stop the bleeding and prevent infection. Out here, infection killed far more than anything. The process was so tediously slow, losing each bit of themselves as it spread. He couldn’t let Dean have that kind of death, not if he was the only one who had enough decency to stay by his side so he wouldn’t die alone. Not when he’d have to watch every bit of his prolonged suffering. Cas’ mind sharped, he knew what he needed to do.

In a rapid action, Cas removed his trench coat, unbuttoned the clean shirt beneath and pressed it into the wound. Not caring that he was now shirtless and exposed.

“SON OF A BITCH.” Dean cried out, arching forward as Castiel elevated the pressure slightly. Right beneath Cas’ hands, he could feel Dean’s whole-body tense up. He tried to be as gentle as possible, but everything caused Dean agony despite his briskly fading ‘tough guy act’.

“Breathe.”

“What do you think I'm doing!?”

Castiel froze, unsure of what to do next. He glimpsed over his shoulder for anything that might come in use.

Must save Dean. Anything to save Dean.

“Keep pressure to stop the bleeding and try to be as still as possible.” Cas’ eyes met Dean’s for heartbeat. He took one of Dean’s hands by the wrist and pushed it on top. Dean groaned but didn’t take his hand away, following Cas’ words.

Cas left, bolting towards Dean’s bag a few trees away. He grabbed it and rushed back, opening it at Dean’s side. Cas tipped it upside down, all it’s contents spewing out before him. Cas turned back to Dean.

“This will be painful.”

Dean watched as Cas took out another clean shirt, this one smaller and scrunched up to fit in his hand. Not so long later, it was dabbed with a bit of cool water. Dean tried to ready himself in his mind as Cas lifted his now soaked shirt and started to work. Dean still hadn’t managed to look, purely based on what terrifying gory site he might see.

Try not to hurt him.

Cas put a hand on either side, stretching the skin in different ways to get a better view and to determine how deep it was. Dean let out a small shudder, eyes scrunched up, bearing it. Cas kept muttering apologises to Dean. It looked like the blade had narrowly missed any internal damage and only the skin was torn. There were, however, little bits of dirt that must have been flicked in there when Dean fell. Cas would have to remove them and thoroughly clean the wound.

Have to stop infection.

“The wound is too deep; there is too much blood, it needs to be sealed.” Cas tried not to let on the urgency of the matter. He was losing blood pretty quickly and Cas was too weak to heal him.

Cas grabbed the nearby shirt he had just splashed with cool water and used it to gently clean the wound and stem the flow of blood. Dean flinched with every touch. That made it a lot harder for Cas to do what needed to be done. By now, Dean had pulled both hands up, twisting his fingers around Cas strong arms trying to pry him away. He was gripping so tightly that Cas was sure it would bruise but also sure that somewhere in his pain struck mind, he couldn’t help it.

I’m so sorry Dean. I’m so fucking sorry.

“You got to relax; you’ll bleed out faster if you don’t.” Cas mentioned.

“Well, you try... AH.”

Dean felt as Cas pushed the material further into the wound causing a streak of pain that slowly expanded to every fibre in his being. He began to turn, trying to curl up into a ball but Cas managed to keep him on his back.

“You have to stay still.” He reminded Dean again.

Stop hurting him.

As Cas worked, he could feel his hands shaking with adrenaline and fear, but he pushed those feelings aside and focused on the task at hand. A sigh escaped Cas’ lips. He would have to put quite a lot of pressure on, in order to clean it properly, but Dean was in so much pain with even the slightest touch. Cas didn’t want to do it. Why was he the one to have to do this? Cas tapped a finger on Dean’s chest, trying to think. It only took an instant for the idea to come to his head but another for him to decide to go through with it. Cauterisation. It would be extremely painful but the only way to save Dean’s life.

Don’t do this, please don’t do this.

He hated himself for considering causing Dean that much pain. But he had to. Without a second more to dwell on the possibility's, Cas trusted his own judgement and reached for a lighter amid the other contents. He slid his angel blade from his sleeve, created a small fire and placed it in there. Dean, relaxed for a moment with the pressure suddenly gone, but there was also a doubt in his mind.

“Hey, hey, hey, Cas what ya doin?” Dean’s face was growing pale. It could have been a mix of fear and blood loss, but he didn’t know. The forest started to spin, his mind confused and panicked. His head lay on its side, eye’s running over the fire and the angel blade inside it. Cas turned to him and shifted obstructing his view.

Must save him.

“I’m so sorry.” Cas spoke, he didn’t answer Dean’s question, but he knew he would have too soon.

While Cas waited for it to heat up, he went back cleaning Dean’s wound. This time Dean didn’t try to pull his hands off, but he did whimper. Cas watched him blink away the wetness in his eyes. This, Cas hated but he knew he’d hate the bit that followed even more.

“I know it's scary, but I promise I won't hurt you. We need to clean the wound, stop the bleeding and prevent infection.” His voice was like an automatised message, at least this way Dean couldn’t sense all the feelings that swirled in Cas’ mind. The ones of worry and dread and most of all horror. He tried to just go for it and get it over with, but Dean let out a low sharp sound as Cas grazed the shirt over the opening. Cas couldn’t stop his hand from pulling away. He despised hurting Dean.

Find something to take his pain away.

“How's your days been?”

Dean croaked confused, “W'at?”

“I’m trying to distract you from the pain. So, how's your day been?” Cas was ready with the shirt, waiting for Dean to be slightly distracted before he did it.

“Peachy.” Cas smiled slightly, even in a vulnerable state, Dean was still Dean, witty comments and all. “Look oka’, I can handle the pain, I don’t need you to hold m’ hand. Just get it over w’th.”

“Alright, as you wish.”

Cas didn’t hold back; he found the will to do what was necessary. He pushed it deep into the flesh to clean it properly, trying to ignore Dean’s grunts that came deep from within his throat.

Dean gasped as Cas pulled away. Cas threw the shirt aside and lay a hand on Dean’s shoulder, comforting him, giving him a few breaths to recover. Then he turned around and took the angel blade out of the embers, its tip glowing bright red.

Don’t hurt him.

“Dean I need you to stay very still for this.”

“Wha’ r ya doin’ w’th that?” Dean slurred. There was a certain hollowness in his voice like he already knew the answer but needed someone to say it aloud. A hollowness like he was giving up fighting.

“Cas!”

Cas caved. “I need to cauterize it, it’s the only way I can stop the blood loss and prevent infection.”

“Don’t do th’s.” Dean started to wiggle, begging his tired and fatigued limbs to sprint into action even though he knew they wouldn’t. Dean’s back was already pressed up slightly against the tree trunk there was nowhere else to go. Cas held him down with his other hand, his knees digging into Dean’s thighs, immobilising them. The burning blade approaching. There was a moment amidst the struggle, where both of their eyes locked on each other. Dean’s expression so broken it shattered a piece of Cas’ heart right then and there.

Don’t hurt him. Must save him.

“Please, 'm begg’ng you, I don’t w’nt th’s.” The same hollowness surrounded his words but this time they sounded so much thicker. But Cas couldn’t let himself let go, Dean meant more then he realised, he loved him. He couldn’t let him die, not without existing every possible solution.

“This will hurt me more than it hurts you.” Cas placed a stick in Dean’s mouth, shutting out his words. Dean’s eyes gleamed up at him, now he was begging. Begging not to suffer, begging for there to be literally any other option. But Cas didn’t see, he didn’t want to.

You have to do this, it’s the only way.

“I’m sorry. Look at the sky, anywhere but here. If you have a happy place in your mind, then go there. Brace yourself. I’m so so sorry.” Dean was shaking his head, still trying to free himself. A wet sound escaped Dean’s throat, one that Cas would never forget.

Cas let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He was almost in disbelief at what he was about to do. A moment later, he carefully placed the blade against the wound, and there was a sizzling sound as the wound began to seal shut. Dean screamed in agony, tears streaming down his face. His body trembling with pain and the veins of his neck popped out. He thrashed against Cas’ hold. Every cry seemed to echo through the forest, bouncing off the trees and landscape.

You're hurting him. Stop, dammit! Cas begged himself internally.

Cas could barely bring himself to watch. It took all of Cas’s willpower to keep his hand there. All of his instincts were shouting at him to stop, that he was hurting his human, but he knew that he had to keep going. The smell of burning flesh filled the air, a sickening smell.

As he worked, his mind raced with worry and concern. What if he made a mistake?

“Stop. Please.” Dean cried between gasps; his voice was muffled through the stick. Cas pulled away for a second, the skin beneath red and tender. In those horrible minutes, whatever bond had sprung up between him and Cas hadn’t broken. Cas had switched loyalties – he'd chosen to stand for Dean, fight for him. At any cost.

Save him. Save your human.

“Honeybee, I know it hurts but it’s imperative that I do this.” And the blade touched his skin once more. Cas could almost feel Dean's pain vibrating though his body, and it broke his heart to see him in such a state. The pet name just slipped out of his mouth, but he hoped it was comforting nonetheless.

“Please… stop ‘t… please…”

“Just breath. You're doing great. Just a little bit longer.” Cas soothed. Even in pain, Dean was breath-taking. His eyes were the colour of the leaves, and his hair shimmered like gold in the fading light. Cas felt his heart racing as he realized how close they were, and how much he meant.

“All done!” Dean lay still, slowly recovering from the pain, his face still contorted in agony. Even though Dean had stopped screaming, it all that Cas could hear.

You made him scream like that.

Cas immediately began to apply a homemade salve of pine sap, aloe vera and other natural ingredients to the wound, rubbing it as deep as he could while Dean strained and fought to get away from the hands that were hurting him. Afterwards Cas wrapped it up lightly with clean cloth.

Even though Cas knew that his intentions were good, he couldn’t help but feel like he’d betrayed Dean. He wanted to apologize, to make things right, but he didn't even know where to begin. How could he make up for the pain and fear he caused? How could he make Dean feel safe around him again? His thoughts dissolved the second he forced his eyes down to meet Dean’s. He expected Dean to look at him like he was a monster but instead, Dean’s face teemed with gratitude.

Don’t be fooled by his eyes, there's no way that he could trust you after that.

Then Dean, the solider he was, was trying to raise but Cas quickly pushed a firm hand down on his chest to keep him still.

“You have to rest, let your body heal. It will be a slow process but hopefully I can speed it up when my powers get stronger.”

[wildernessuntothemselves]

Hey! I need some help if you don’t mind.

I’ve been seriously struggling with writers block and I’ve just been feeling like everything I write is shit.

It might have something to do with my creative writing class and having to write stuff for actual assignments and a grade and I’m really fucking terrible with deadlines so I feel like my work never lives up to its full potential so it’s really getting me down.

On my alternate account, I started writing but I only have the first part posted and it hasn’t been updated in around a year or more. I want to start writing for it so badly especially after someone commented that they want more, but I’m stuck in this slump. I also entered a bunch of collabs and I never finished or posted them and I’ve felt like a shitty horrible person ever since so I feel even less inclined to write even though I really wanna write and finish them.

And on top of school, I haven’t had enough time (or given myself enough time) to write at all.

I’m really stressed and scared because writing fan fiction really means a lot to me and I hate feeling so unpassionate about something I love and used to be so freaking passionate about.

Do you have any advice? Have you ever felt like this? What do you do when you get writers block or in a slump?

I’m sorry for the long message but this has been tearing me apart for weeks.❤️

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through that but I'm afraid I can't be of much help. Of course I've gone through multiple writing blocks, some lasting months but I don't really have good advice.

I think there are two ways of dealing with it: either you just don't try to force it and let it run its course until you become motivated/passionate again or you just write even if you don't like it because it's way easier to go back and keep refining the work you made rather than starting from scratch.

The second method is what I use most often. I just write whatever shitty draft comes to mind then I keep reviewing it and adding and altering thing. Each time i review it gets easier and better.

As for the work not living up to your expectations, I used to struggle with that a lot too but I just became so busy with work and other things and I had to face the fact that either I accpet the work for what it is or I don't post at all. Fanfiction is not my job and if I spent inordinate amounts of energy and time to perfect it, it would only harm me in the end because it would take away time out of my actual work and life. Besides, it's a hobby and hobbies are meant to be fun, not make you feel bad and guilty. I personally don't enter into any collabs and only do requests etc if I make it absolutely clear that there is no guarantee that I will actually follow through with it because I know it would only make me feel miserable if I don't.

The class is probably the reason things are going so bad for you so maybe when it's over you'll feel better and start enjoying writing again. I too am kind of going through this because of my work and other obligations so I have been writing very little and it upsets me because I really wanna update yamqn but I keep reminding myself that it's just a fanfic and while I love it and enjoy it, my real life comes first and I'll get to it when I get to it. I even warned readers multiple times that the chapters won't be as long or as good as previous chapters because I simply don't have the luxury to waste time and effort on it anymore and I and them are just gonna have to accept that since writing is not my actual job

[zerabsurdity]

Teeny tiny vent post, will put everything under cut cause I don't wanna ruin anyone's day lmao

I havan't been feeling my best lately to be completely honest and I don't know if I am accurately able to explain why.

A few months ago I went through a really bad platonic breakup (or whatever the fuck I can call it) with the people I considered my closest friends, people I thought would be there for me for the rest of my life. I sort of felt like I was finally going to experience forever friendship, the kind I craved since I was a kid.

Not only did these people pretend to be my friends for 5 whole months, but during that time they actively shittalked me with a person I have actively disliked (for extremwly valid reasons), but respected so long as that respect was reciprocated. Moreover, this person has used my ex-best friends multiple times and been shown unconditional forgiveness, which like, what the fuck. There's more factors at play with this which I honestly don't want to get into on tumblr dot com, but the gist of it is that if they spoke to me at the start of these 5 months, the issue could have been solved within minutes. Like I genuinely don't understand if people expect others to read their fucking mind but there's this thing called "communicating like grown mature adults" that I don't think these people are aware of. This whole thing brought back so many past fears and anxieties that I, quite frankly, thought I long solved in therapy.

Then my dumbass gets attached to the first person that shows me attention/affection an unhealthy amount, because innate human need for belonging or whatever. That one's on me though. Should've seen it coming. And while I do believe that I genuinely do care for this person very much, there's always the looming fear that we were just eachothers dopamine rush (for context, both of us have raging ADHD). That or both of us are just preoccupied with exams right now and I'm overthinking everything because of the whole platonic breakup thing. Yeah.

Fast forward to now and I just feel so... numb? Like I'm so full of this energy that I want to get out but I'm just not interested in doing anything. At all. Nor have I been successful at forcing an interest. I've been hoping to get more physically active but I'm in so much physical pain that I can't afford any more activity than absolutely necessary.

As I already said, I am im the middle of some finals right now and I just don't feel anything. No preparation stress, no pre-exam anxiety or like excitement. No fucking sense of accomplishment after getting really good grades. Nothing. Not one thing. The only faint emotion that I've been able to identify is frustration? Because of the fact that I'm not feeling all these intense emotions like I usually do? That's my best shot at explaining the state I'm in right now I guess. I can't even bring myself to talk to any of my friends because I'm so scared of being a burden, of being too much, and it has been taking a toll on me for quite some time now.

Anyways. Y'all want anything from the Lidl bakery?

[diaryofanangrybitch]

I’m not crying, you are.

February 2024

I haven't been doing well. I've been struggling to get up in the morning and struggling to complete everyday tasks. I've been crying – a lot. I cry on my way to work and on my way back. I cry in bed and in the shower, in the kitchen and on the couch. Every day I wake up, and an overwhelming sense of dread seeps into every crevice of my body. I carry it with me for the rest of the day. It's heavy. My head weighs a tonne and my shoulders slump. Holding myself up is exhausting. I'm tired. So fucking tired. With all my energy spent on just getting through the day, there's none left to help me enjoy it. Everything is a chore.

How I ended up here is complicated, with a multitude of minor obstacles building up into one giant jungle gym. It's a maze with booby traps, loopholes, and jump-scares. I fucking hate jump-scares.

First and foremost, the environment where I spend majority of my time has changed – my workplace. Typically, I enjoy my work. It's complex, fast-paced, challenging and entirely conducive to my ideals. However, at the moment, it's entirely unstable, and I don't function well without a solid base. It's reached the extent now that I dread going to work in the mornings. This isn't uncommon for me. I go through clear ups-and-downs with work, but this down is pervasive.

Work and I have a complicated relationship. The entire concept of having to engage in wage labour in order to access basic human necessities. like shelter and food is absolutely absurd. We aren’t given much of a choice but to adhere to and/or enforce capitalist structures. That’s bad enough in itself (and I have no doubt I’ll be writing more about this in the future), but the fact that work takes me away from what I actually want to be doing is just the cherry on top.

Writing is what I truly want to be doing. I want to write books and novels, both fiction and non-fiction. I want to write about my fantasies and my daydreams, my critiques of theories and rallying cries to activism. I want to write my thoughts and opinions and imaginative worlds to fuel my need for sweet, sweet escapism. Unfortunately, writing doesn't pay the bills, and I'm therefore forced to squander my creativity and become a cog in the capitalist machine, ironically in a role dedicated to fixing the disasters it causes.

I've been trying to tailor my writing to be more marketable, more attractive to the everyday consumer and appealing to publishers, but that's not as fun as writing what I actually want to. I'm used to writing heavy, traumatic literary fiction about young women overcoming trauma, and balancing this with some YA fiction and cheesy romance. My stories are always set in other countries, never Australia. It feels too real to me, too close to home. But, I've decided to give it a go. It probably isn't the right time to challenge myself emotionally in this way, but I've been wanting to do it for quite a while and never had the guts to. If I have them now, I don't want to wait.

On top of that, I've been writing about my own experiences of trauma. I've been recapping all my experiences of violence, detailing exactly what happened to me, from the injuries they caused to the look in my perpetrator's eyes. This was going to be triggering for me. I knew that. It had been fine right up until the point of my involvement in mental health services, and the systems injustices that followed. It's been so upsetting to me, I've needed to take a break. I haven't been able to get through it. It's made me angry.

Now, I'm struggling to write both fiction and non-fiction, leaving me in a state of frustration. My usual outlets aren't as available as they were before. I'm being harsh on myself, too. I could take a break from writing an Australian novel and focus on some Americanised romance, but that feels like a cop out. It also won't fix the problem. I'm already half-way up the mountain. I'd be stupid to back down now.

Life doesn’t consider these things. It doesn't stop. It doesn't give you a break. Your responsibilities at home don't ease off when you're struggling emotionally, or when you're having a rough time at work. It doesn’t care if you're having an existential crisis or trying to overcome trauma. The world around you keeps on spinning. At home, there's always something to do, whether it's doing the dishes, changing the sheets, or vacuuming the carpet. A certain part of my brain is always dedicated solely to what needs to be done at home – what groceries need to be done and what bills need to be paid.

My physical health isn't great at the moment, either. I've been having some pain around my spleen, where I had surgery last year. The doctors don't think it's anything major, but it still needs to be followed up and will still need to be monitored. More things to organize and be mindful of.

When I was catching the train to work, these responsibilities were more manageable. I had nothing to do but sit and wait to arrive, so I could easily make a to-do list, order the groceries, or make appointments. That's not an option anymore. The trains are down, so I'm driving 45-60 minutes each way just to get to work. That's almost two hours a day gone.

It was my car that sent me over the edge this week. I was driving home from work when a rock hit my windscreen and chipped the glass. I called my insurance to lodge a claim, but it wasn't confirmed the first time so I had to go through the claim again. They sent some guys out to fix it, but it wasn't done properly. Now I need to follow it all up again. It's nothing major, but in conjunction with everything else, it was too much. It's another setback – another thing requiring space in my brain. It pushed me over the edge.

It's the way the situation just doesn't seem to let up that's bothering me. It's things not going to plan, and consistently going wrong, despite my efforts to fix them. If just one thing could go smoothly, that would be great.

I feel like a bad girlfriend. Liam hasn't had the easiest time lately either, but he hasn't once complained about my sour mood or lack of emotional presence. He's kept things stable and consistent. He's been on the rollercoaster with me, giving me love when I need it and space when I don't.

This can't last much longer. I want to do better and be better. Something has got to give. Either things ease off, or I learn to manage it better. Both sound impossible.

[ouyangzizhensdad]

I just saw a post saying nhs has an inferiority complex and I'm?? Confused?? I always thought he was fine with being weaker in terms of cultivation, maybe I missed something

Hi anon,

I have to say, I struggle as well to figure out where people are getting this from the text. I think, oftentimes, people don't actually pay attention to what the text provides us in terms of characterisation as a whole, but take elements of what makes the character or which happens to them and simply extrapolate how they themselves would feel in that situation as a means of understanding the character. I can easily imagine how a reader would think: wow, if I had low cultivation in a world that values it (and within a clan that values strength even more so!) and a brother who was not only super strong and admired but who wanted me to fit into that role, and then found myself having to fill his shoes after his sudden death, I'd feel some sort of inferiority complex. I think that's the same reason you see so much people insisting WWX has self-esteem issues.

The thing about NHS is that, as a youth, we never saw him value high cultivation or "academic" achievements (not sure how to otherwise call his time at CR but there is probably a better word for it) or brute strength. He's afraid of consequences from his brother for failing at the CR, as we see here:

Although the brothers were not born from the same mother, their relationship was quite solid. Nie Mingjue had always taught his younger brother with extreme harshness, particularly caring for his studies. This was why, even though Nie Huaisang respected his older brother, he was the most scared of Nie Mingjue mentioning his schoolwork.

and here:

Although he didn’t understand a single bit as he listened in class, Nie Huaisang worked as hard as a slave when the date of the test approached. He copied Virtue two times for Wei Wuxian, and begged before the test, “Please, Wei-xiong, if my grade is lower than yi, my brother would really break my legs! Stuff like telling apart direct lineage, collateral lineage, main clan, clan branches… For us disciples from big clans, we can’t even distinguish our relationships with our own relatives, randomly calling everyone who are more than two tiers away from us aunts and uncles. Does anyone have enough capacity in their brain to remember those of other clans?!”

After thinking for a few moments, an expression of envy and yearning appeared on Nie Huaisang’s face, “To be honest, Wei-xiong’s words were quite interesting. Spiritual energy can only be obtained through cultivation and taking great pains to form a golden core (金丹). It would take I-don’t-know-how-many years to do, especially for someone like me, whose talent seems as if it was gnawed by a dog when I was in my mother’s womb. But, resentful energy are from the fierce ghosts. If they can easily be taken and used, it would be beyond wonderful.”

[...] . If disciple from a prominent clan forms the core at a later age, it would be a disgrace to tell other people of it, yet Nie Huaisang didn’t feel ashamed at all. Wei Wuxian also laughed, “I know, right? No harm comes from using it.”

The only moment that I can find that could tangentially be used to suggest that NHS has an inferiority complex could be this one, where NHS wants to avoid LXC's questioning about how his studies are going (and WWX picking up on his cues like a good friend to redirect the conversation). However, when you consider the whole context of the scene, it’s not because NHS feels self-conscious but because he’s afraid LXC is going to report to his brother that he’s not working hard at his studies:

Lan Xichen turned to him, “Huaisang, a while ago, as I returned from Qinghe, your brother asked of your studies. How is it? This year, will you be able to pass?”

Nie Huaisang replied, “Generally speaking, yes…” He seemed like a wilted cucumber, looking at Wei Wuxian in a helpless way. Wei Wuxian grinned, “Zewu-Jun, what are you two going out for?”

[...] Nie Huaisang also wanted to join in, but he had been reminded of his older brother as he met Lan Xichen. Cringing silently, he didn’t dare to have fun, “I’ll pass and go back so that I can review…” With this act, he hoped that Lan Xichen would put in some good words for him to his brother.

NHS seems very industrious at finding ways not to have to do anything that relates to cultivation or to leading a sect, and that is linked once more to the fact that he does not want to do these things (so not a case where we could say he’s self-sabotaging because he fears failure):

Lan Xichen took Nie Huaisang’s saber into his qiankun sleeve, “Huaisang has been using the excuse that he left his saber at home. Now he will have no excuses for lazing around.”

or here

“Nie Huaisang!”

Nie Huaisang fell at once.

He really did fall to his knees from the terror. He only staggered up after he finished kneeling, “D-d-d-da-ge.”

Nie Mingjue, “Where is your saber?”

Nie Huaisang cowered, “In… in my room. No, in the school grounds. No, let me… think…”

Wei Wuxian could feel that Nie Mingjue almost wanted to hack him dead right there, “You bring a dozen fans with you wherever you go, yet you don’t even know where your own saber is?!”

Nie Huaisang hurried, “I’ll go find it right now!”

[...]

In a hurry, Nie Huaisang dropped a few fans on the ground. Jin Guangyao picked them up for him and put them into his arms, “Huaisang’s hobbies are quite elegant. He’s dedicated to art and calligraphy, and has no propensity for mischief. How can you say that they’re useless?”

Nie Huaisang nodded as fast as he could, “Yes, Brother is right!”

Nie Mingjue, “But sect leaders have no need for such things.”

Nie Huaisang, “I’m not going to be a sect leader, though. You can be it, Da-ge. I’m not doing it!”

or here

Nie Mingjue was on the school ground, teaching and supervising Nie Huaisang’s saberwork in person. He did not acknowledge Jin Guangyao, so he stood at the edge of the field, waiting with respect. Since Nie Huaisang was quite uninterested and the sun was bright, he was rather half-hearted, complaining that he was tired after just a few moves. He beamed as he got ready to go to Jin Guangyao and see what presents he brought this time. In the past, Nie Mingjue would only frown at such things, but today he was angered, “Nie Huaisang, do you want this strike to land on your head?! Get back here!”

If only Nie Huaisang were like Wei Wuxian and could feel how great Nie Mingjue’s rage was, he wouldn’t grin in such a bold way. He protested, “Da-ge, the time is up. It’s time to rest!”

Nie Mingjue, “You rested just thirty minutes ago. Keep on going, until you learn it.”

Nie Huaisang was still giddy, “I won’t be able to learn it anyways. I’m done for the day!”

He often said this, but today Nie Mingjue’s reaction was entirely different from his past reaction. He shouted, “A pig would’ve learnt this by now, so why haven’t you?!”

Never expecting Nie Mingjue to burst out so suddenly, Nie Huaisang’s face was blank with shock as he shrunk toward Jin Guangyao. Seeing the two together, Nie Mingjue was even more provoked, “It’s been one year already and you still haven’t learnt this one set of saber techniques. You stand on the field for just thirty minutes and you’re complaining that you’re tired. You don’t have to excel, but you can’t even protect yourself! How did the QingheNie Sect produce such a good-for-nothing! The both of you should be tied up and beaten once every day. Carry out all those things in his room!”

The last sentence was spoken to the disciples standing by the side of the field. Seeing that they had gone, Nie Huaisang felt as though he was on pins and needles. A moment later, the row of disciples really did bring out all the fans, paintings, porcelain from his room. Nie Mingjue had always threatened to burn his room, but he had never actually burned them. This time, though, he was serious. Nie Huaisang panicked. He threw himself over, “Da-ge! You can’t burn them!”

Noticing that the situation wasn’t good, Jin Guangyao also spoke, “Da-ge, don’t act on impulse.”

Yet, Nie Mingjue’s saber had already striked. All of the delicate objects piled at the center of the field erupted in roaring flames. Nie Huaisang wailed and plunged into the fire to save them. Jin Guangyao hurried to pull him back, “Huaisang, be careful!”

With a sweep of Nie Mingjue’s hand, the two blanc de chine antiques shattered into pieces in his palms. The scrolls and paintings had already turned into dust in a split second. Nie Huaisang could only watch blankly as the much loved items that he had gathered throughout the years vanish into ashes. Jin Guangyao grabbed his hands to examine them, “Are they burnt?”

He turned to a few disciples, “Please prepare some medicine first.”

The disciples answered and left. Nie Huaisang stood at the same place, his entire body trembling as he looked over at Nie Mingjue, pupil encircled by veins. Seeing that his expression wasn’t right, Jin Guangyao put his arm around his shoulders and whispered, “Huaisang, how are you feeling? Stop watching. Go back to your room and have some rest.”

Nie Huaisang’s eyes brimmed red. He didn’t even make a sound. Jin Guangyao added, “It’s alright even if the things are gone. Next time I can find you more…”

Nie Mingjue interrupted, his words like ice, “I’ll burn them each time he brings them back into this sect.”

Anger and hatred suddenly flashed across Nie Huaisang’s face. He threw his saber onto the ground and yelled, “Then burn them!!!”

Jin Guangyao quickly stopped him, “Huaisang! Your brother is still angry. Don’t…”

Nie Huaisang roared at Nie Mingjue, “Saber, saber, saber! Who the fuck wants to practice the damn thing?! So what if I want to be a good-for-nothing?! Whoever that wants to can be the sect leader! I can’t learn it means I can’t learn it and I don’t like it means I don’t like it! What’s the use of forcing me?!”

I'm not saying he didn't have a hard time during the first moment of him taking over a leadership role in the sect after the sudden death of his brother (ultimately we can wonder whether the yiwensanbuzhi persona originated then, as he could have felt overwhelmed and actually didn't have the answers needed for the position he didn't prepare for--or whether it was always a pure fabrication to serve his goals), but I don't think we can chalk it up to an inferiority complex.

In the past, Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang studied together, so there were a few things he could comment about this person. Nie Huaisang wasn’t an unkind person. It wasn’t that he was not clever, but that his heart was set somewhere else and used his smarts on other areas, such as painting on fans, searching for birds, skipping classes, and catching fish. Because his talent in terms of cultivation really was poor, he formed his core around eight or nine years later than the other disciples of the same generation as him. When he lived, Nie Mingjue was often exasperated by the fact that his brother didn’t meet his expectations, so he disciplined him strictly. Despite this, he still didn’t improve much. Now, without his older brother protecting and supervising him, under his lead, the QingheNie Sect declined day by day. After he grew up, especially after he became the sect leader, he was often troubled by all kinds of affairs unfamiliar to him and looked for helpers everywhere, mainly his brother’s two sworn brothers. One day he’d go to Jinling Tower to complain to Jin Guangyao, and the next day he’d go to the Cloud Recesses to whine to Lan Xichen. With the two leaders of the Jin and Lan Sects supporting him, he still barely managed to settle on the sect leader position. Nowadays, whenever people mentioned Nie Huaisang, although they didn’t say anything on the surface, the same phrase was written on their faces—good-for-nothing.

And after NHS pieced together what happened to his brother and set out on a path to revenge, I don't see how someone who is so sharp and deceptive and able to reach his goals while hiding behind a facade the entire time would feel "inferior".

[jeanjauthor]

What makes a person good but seems bad to other people

Hoo boy, this is opening a can o' worms here...

I'm going to give you some really harsh real-world examples, then delve into why these things so disparate on the surface versus underneath. Why? Because a huge chunk of it is all about perspective and point-of-view.

1. People insisting on everyone wearing masks & keeping 6+feet (2+meters apart . . . is GOOD. Republicans insist this is bad. Despite the fact it would literally save their own lives as well as their loved ones, neighbors, strangers--saving lives is GOOD--they abso-fucking-lutely refuse to do it, citing "it's m'gawd given right!!" to not do so. (Sounds like their "god" is the goddamn Devil if you ask me, but I digress.)

The GOP leadership is desperate to keep driving a wedge between their voter base and their political opponents, and have literally done their best to brainwash entire generations to think that anything a Democrat / liberal person says is Evil Incarnate And Must Be Opposed. If their base ever wakes up, they'll stop voting for the people doing everything in their power to keep killing some of them off so they can keep the rest too scared of Voting Any Other Way to, well, vote any other way.

2. People insisting that universal medical care is GOOD (and literally cheaper than what we're currently doing) . . . and again, Republicans whining about how it just can't be done, how DARE we even try . . . because they're depending on the obscene levels of profit their leadership is raking in off of Big Medicine and Big Pharma. So the GOP leadership pushes hard to block every single measure, since it would restore insulin and epipen costs back down to affordability, and that would make them omfg so much less mega-rich than before!!!11!1!11111!1!!1!!!!!

3. People insisting that the money spent on sending rich people to space (and bringing them back safely) should instead be spent on helping society at large . . . and all of Musk's fanbois whining about HOW DARE YOU DOUBT THE VALIDITY OF THE NARCISSISTIC NEEDS OF OUR GLORIOUS TECH LEADER!!!!111!1!!!!!1!1!!

...Don't get me wrong. I genuinely like the Tesla Roof, the whole concept of it, and things like electric cars are a vital part of shifting from reliance on dwindling climate-wrecking & ecology-wrecking fossil fuels to renewable energy, etc, etc. One day, I'd like to be able to get an e-car myself! But remember, that same "techboi guru" Musk is scabbing his own workers' strike to try to force people to work in an increasingly dangerous pandemic because it's hurting his bottom line. Without any regard to his workers' safety & good health. etc. Insisting tht he be taxed so that he can no longer afford to play astronaut would literally mean saving millions of American lives which is a GOOD thing...but he insists it's a bad thing, and he's got his whole fanboi chorus brainwashed into screaming his message, rather than the truth.

4. I got shot, so I punched the guy for hurting me. No, seriously, this is a true example from my childhood. When I was just 7, I was at my grandparents' in the summer, and got very sick. So sick, they drove me to the hospital, thinking I had appendicitis. Turns out I just had a very bad stomach flu. (This was back in the days before those fancy drip regulation machines.)

I'd been vomiting a lot, was very dehydrated, and so the nurse explained she was going to be putting fluids into me via an i.v., that she was not going to take any blood out of me (which you'll admit is a scary thing for a little kid to see)...except she did it wrong and some of my blood got up into the clear plastic tubing. I. Freaked. Out. 4th of July, FAR from home, no parents, no grandparents at this point, in the hands of strangers, she was doing a technically good-for-me-thing, and I had just been LIED to.

Fast forward a few weeks, I go in to see the doctor, apparently I'm supposed to get my regular vaccination shot for going into the 2nd grade--this is a GOOD thing, getting shot. The doctor sticks a needle in lil 7yo me...and I punch him. Right in the cheek, rocked him almost off the stool he was sitting on. Surprised the heck outta him. Surprised the heck outta me, but my brain just immediately went into BAD THING HAPPENING WITH NEEDLES, MUST HURT HIM TO MAKE IT STOP!!!!11!!!!1!!1!! To this day, I have a severe needle phobia.

...And to bring this full circle, it took all my courage and strength to get the COVID shots and to get the flu shots these last two years. I know that getting shot is a good thing, but my hindbrain screams BAD THING HAPPENING every single time.

...

All of these things are a matter of perspective.

Each of these is an objectively good thing--not subjectively, not opinion-based, but fact based objectively good things going on here. Vaccines are a good thing, masking up and staying apart are good things, medical care that nobody has to pay for outside of taxes is a great thing, making rich people go back to paying taxes above a reasonable income level is a great thing, because that would pay for the medical care of everyone, me enduring getting shot with said vaccine is a good thing despite my extreme phobia, etc, etc...

But it's not viewed as such from the perspectives of those who are brainwashed, traumatized, and/or selfish asshats enough to want to win a stupid numbers game by destroying others' lives.

Here's another example, paraphrased from one of Mercedes Lackey's novels (Valdemar universe).

1. Newcomer is Secret Santa to a community, but they can only view him as a Would-Be Murderer.

The example is that say you've got a retired mercenary, he's very wealthy because he was very successful at doing what mercenaries do best in a sword & sorcery universe: fighting & killing for hire. He always tried to pick the righteous side, does his best, and eventually retires and moves into a village. But the non-fighter locals eye him with distrust because of his former career. He tries to make friendly overtures and is rebuffed, but he still wants to do good, so he sends his servants out to secretly and anonymously pay off debts, fix fences, bring in extra grain when a harvest is poor, going out personally to track down and bring to justice any would-be brigands in the area, so on and so forth, because he has all that money, he wants to do good, and this is the only way he can do it that the locals will accept, aka anonymously.

And then one day while he's walking through town, a stranger visiting the area confronts him, they get into a fight, and the mercenary is forced to cut down the stranger, just to defend his own life, because the stranger will not stop attacking him. Although he didn't start it, rumors spread that the stranger was an old enemy coming to avenge fallen comrades, etc. Whether or not this may be true, the perspective of the fearful townsfolk is that This Mercenary Is A Murderer!!!111!1!1!!!1!1!!11!, despite the fact the mercenary didn't want to kill and only ended up doing so to save his own life (a good thing both subjectively for the merc, and objectively for the town which is being supported & protected by his silent good deeds).

To the merc's loyal retainers, he is a good, just, and kind man who is making the world better. To the ignorant villagers, he is a cruel, mean, and vicious killer whom they had best keep their children away from.

To mask-wearers and vaccination-accepters, getting the vaccine is good. To Republican leaders, acknowledging that it's good would destroy their voter base because those voters would flee from their lies...so they do everything they can to make their Republican voters think that vaccines are bad, healthcare is just fine as it is, and there's no money anywhere whatsoever to pay for all of it.

. . . As writers, we need to be able to view things from multiple perspectives, to be able to understand others' viewpoints so that we can write believable and/or realistic protagonists, antagonists, heroes, villains, sidekicks, henchmen, secondary characters, so on and so forth.

It is not a very comfortable position to be in, straddling multiple points-of-view. Especially idiotic and/or villainous points of view. Yet it is a very powerful storytelling tool. Even if you stick to one POV in telling a story, you'll still need to be able to see what the villain is thinking & why they're acting the way that they act. You don't have to accept these alternate viewpoints, but they are important for making a story more believable.

Just...use this power wisely.

Don't brainwash people into killing themselves for your vainglory.

[awesomelyanxiouspanda]

I'm a Murderer, Not a Monster (Billy Loomis/OFC/Stu Macher) Part 1

This is a repost since I deleted my old Tumblr!

Summary: 

In this AU, Stu and Billy were never caught or killed. Their plan went off without a hitch, and once it was done, they hung up their knives. On the anniversary of Sidney’s death, they were forced to murder again to protect their cover; Tie up loose ends and save themselves from death row for good. Only problem is that the murders were spur of the moment and they have no alibi. On the fly, they choose a house at random and hope for the best. Which leads us up to now!

Author’s notes:

-I had a dream and it inspired this little thing. In this AU, Stu and Billy were never caught or killed. Their plan went off without a hitch, and once it was done, they hung up their knives. On the anniversary of Sidney’s death, they were forced to murder again to protect their cover; Tie up loose ends and save themselves from death row for good. Only problem is that the murders were spur of the moment and they have no alibi. On the fly, they choose a house at random and hope for the best. Which leads us up to now!

-AU takes place in a weird time convergence. Basically the timeline is made up and the worlds don’t matter.

-I’m a fool for bad boys who are soft just for a few specific people, so Billy and Stu will be a bit OOC here. If that’s not your cup of tea, this is your warning.

-Relevant facts: Billy and Stu are both 19-20ish now. Ginger the OFC is 24 and Poppy is 6.

-Ginger’s appearance is rather general but she is short and chubby because there is not enough plus-size character love in fics.

-I had to split this into two parts. This one is SFW, just cursing and mentions of murder. Part two will be NSFW smut!

~“I’m a murderer, not a monster. I don’t kill kids, and what life would a kid have without their mom, hmm?”~

Billy’s words played over and over in my head while I stood, trembling, at the kitchen counter with my hot coffee mug in hand as I sipped at the sweet caffeine for support. I had to put on a strong front. I know he said he wouldn’t kill us but that wasn’t very comforting when there were two serial killers sitting at the table with my daughter; All three eating pancakes like there wasn’t a care in the world.

“Thanks mama. I’m gonna go brush my teeth for school,” Poppy said, pushing out her chair as she collected her plate.

“Alright sweetie. Don’t forget to wash your face after,” I called to her.

She nodded in agreement as she trotted off, ponytail swinging joyfully behind her.

With her bountiful energy out of the room, I let my shoulders sag and swallowed hard. Fear and uncertainty were tearing up my stomach and making it hard to breathe.

“You can relax, doll. We’re not going to hurt you, and especially not her,” Stu commented, shoving the last bite of his pancakes in his mouth, “We’re not that kind of people.”

I cringed slightly at the way he spoke with his mouth full and gaping, but didn’t dare comment on it. Who would correct a murderer on his table manners?

“I know you said that but it’s just…. I’m terrified honestly. I don’t trust anyone in my home, around my kid, other than family and now there are two strange men staying here,” I explained quietly, keeping my tone as docile as possible.

Billy rose silently from his chair and immediately I tensed up as his dark eyes landed on me. He wasn’t insanely tall like his partner but he was beyond intimidating as he marched over and stood only a few inches from me. Even though he was shorter, he still towered over me and my five foot frame. It suddenly felt like there was a lump in my throat that I just couldn’t swallow past.

“We won’t be in your hair longer than we have to be. As long as you keep your end of the deal, everything will go smoothly. You have my word that we wouldn’t touch a hair on that kids’ head no matter what, but if you were to try to start some shit-”

“I would never!” I cut him off immediately, heart racing and pounding hard at the threat, “Self preservation is my strongest suit next to doing anything to protect her.”

“Good, then he’s right. You can relax. You have nothing to worry about,” Billy finished with a nod.

A little grin came to his face and he raised his hand. Instinctively I flinched but somehow managed not to jerk away entirely. He patted my cheek gently with a little click of his tongue before going back to the table.

“Say, Ginger, you got any scary movies here?” Stu chimed in.

…

A week had come and gone, and then a second until more than a month had gone by. After almost two months of Stu and Billy hanging out off and on in my home, it was as if they weren’t even that infamous killer I’d heard so much about on the news. If I hadn’t woken up to the two of them over my bed in the Ghostface masks with blood soaked cloaks and knives, I might have never believed that they were. They were both so… normal. Although Billy obviously had some brooding and anger issues, he seemed to just be a regular, albeit gorgeous, guy with a chip on his shoulder; And Stu was absolutely adorable, funny, kind, and endearing. Together they made a hilarious duo; Billy’s dry humor and sarcasm pairing perfectly with Stu’s overzealous comedy. I was starting to LIKE having them there; it was a scary though.

They were both also surprisingly respectful of our home, of Poppy and my general distrust of men around her; Ensuring they were never in another room alone with her, even if it was just the kitchen or living room. I appreciated their tact. It was becoming easier to make myself almost believe the cover story they had come up with about us meeting in a bar and them passing out in my house on the night of the murders.

I was still in wonder of just how they had ended up here though. We were about an hour away from Woodsboro and in a decent but not extravagant area. Why us? Why this house?

“What’s wrong, doll? You look down?”

My cheeks heated under the pet name and I quickly tried to push away the butterflies it gave me when mixed with the curious look on Stu’s face. There was no way I could begin to acknowledge my stupid little crush on him without it making me feel weird. Although I’d started to feel friendship or possibly more toward them, there’s was nothing to say that they were doing more than keeping up the pretenses of our deal and ensuring I wouldn’t rat them out. Not to mention, my self-esteem told me that two men who were so beautiful would never be interested in a woman of my size and appearance, much less since I was almost four years older than them.

“No, not down, just thinking,” I explained, passing the popcorn bowl over to him.

He cocked his head to the side in obvious curiosity while he swiped some popcorn from the bowl.

“About?” Billy asked from the recliner across the room.

I shrugged but chose to be honest. I’d learned honesty was certainly the best policy with them.

“Why you came to this town when your hometown is an hour away. Why you chose this place of all places.”

Apparently that threw them both for a loop, Stu’s eyes darting to Billy while the other let mild-surprise run across his face.

“Well, I guess it was just fate. I’m pretty sure anyone else would have fought us by now and we’d have had to kill them. Which would have screwed up the whole plan, of course,” Billy vaguely explained.

I felt my curiosity pique at the mention of a plan and I hesitantly asked, “What is your long term plan?”

“A fresh start. Get away from all that shit that started this whole thing and try to do more with our lives,” Billy replied, eyes drifting back to the movie on the TV.

“It wasn’t like we planned on killing forever. Hell, we made it out for a whole fucking year before someone jeopardized our freedom,” Stu added in, “Had to do what needed to be done to keep people looking away from us though.”

He was obviously waiting for some kind of reply but I wasn’t sure what to say. Instead I gave him a shrug as I mulled over my thoughts.

“I can’t say I agree with, or understand, killing anyone to begin with, obviously, but I wasn’t in your situation either. That said, I CAN understand wanting a fresh start. That’s why Poppy and I moved here too; Away from a past life I no longer wanted a part of,” I responded after a while.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Billy asked.

I hesitantly met his powerful gaze before admitting, “I had to leave our old home for our safety. Let’s just say, there are worse things a person can do than end a life.”

The intensity in the room went up a level and I could almost feel both of them staring at my burning face, but I had already let out more than I wanted to. In this place, in my new world, no one knew of our past. They knew I was a single mom to a happy little girl, and that’s how I wanted to keep it. People’s opinions tended to change when they knew your dirty little secrets.

“Mama, are we still watching Rugrats tonight?” Poppy asked.

Her sudden appearance from the bedroom made me jolt and yelp in surprise. She grinned and stuck her tongue out at me, before clutching her tummy and letting out rolls of deep belly laughter.

“I scared you! I scared you! You scare so easy mommy!”

With a slight eyeroll of embarrassment, I waved away her hysterics before gesturing her over.

“Don’t make fun of me, butthead,” I teased, then added, “But yeah, as soon as Stu and Billy head out we’ll put on Rugrats.”

“Sounds like it’s time to skeedaddle, scoob,” Stu commented in a silly voice, “Gotta let the little princess get her movies in.”

Poppy grinned and nodded.

“Don’t forget, you promised to come back soon and play candyland with us,” Poppy reminded the two before climbing up onto the couch next to me.

“Yeah, yeah, pipsqueak,” Billy commented, unable to hide a little grin before he rose to his feet, “We’ll stop by again soon.”

I got up from the couch and walked them to the door out of habit, waiting until they were down the sidewalk before I shut and locked it.

“Okay, let the Rugrats extravaganza begin!” I cheered, scurrying back to the couch.

Poppy giggled and burrowed against my side eagerly as I flipped the TV over to the correct setting and pushed play. The familiar theme song blared from the TV speakers as the movie started and I settled back on the cushions more. Some parents wouldn’t admit it but I still enjoyed cartoons as much as I had when I was a kid. It was a nice bonding experience too, watching some of the shows I grew up on!

…

As the credits rolled, I shifted slightly and slowly lowered Poppy to the couch. She had fallen asleep about halfway through, as I had expected, but I wanted to finish up the movie anyway; It was one of my favorites!

Patting her shoulder gently, I set about picking up the remnants from the evening visit. Popcorn bowl, kernels, soda cans, and the like all barely fit into my arms so I rushed into the kitchen quickly as not to drop anything and let it down on the counter, sorting rubbish from dishes.

I had just got the sink water started to wash the dinner dishes when there was a loud crash from the garage.

“What the fuck?” I muttered.

I cut the water and dried my hands before shuffling closer to the garage door. Once I was almost a foot away, I heard hushed hisses and curses.

“Oh my god!”

As fast as I could, I flipped the deadbolt and door lock, only to be greeted to the sound of something slamming against the door.

“Oooohhhh ladies! I know you’re in theeerrreee,” a male voice sung teasingly, “Just wait ‘til I get you, you fucking bitch!”

Another slam against the door had me finally moving, eyes watering and chest burning as I held in a panicked scream. Without words I snagged Poppy and my phone up from the couch and sped into my room.

“Mommy?” Poppy groaned sleepily.

“Shh baby. I need you to stay as quiet as possible. Someone’s here. Hide in the nightstand.”

Her eyes instantly cleared up as fear marred her features. There was a sense of wisdom in her movements as she calmly and quietly crawled into the lower part of the bedside table, the cubby hole just barely large enough for her small frame. I turned it so the open side faced the wall and breathed out a sigh of relief. You couldn’t tell it wasn’t meant to be that way, nor that there was an opening on the other side. As long as she was still and silent, he’d most likely never find her.

“Whatever you do, don’t come out or speak unless I tell you to. No matter what. I love you.”

With Poppy tended to, I brought up my cell phone and dialed 911.

“This is 911. What is your emergency?”

“My name is Ginger Wallace. I live on 304 Cedar Knoll. Someone just broke into my house and threatened to kill me and my daughter,” I rushed out, hoping my words were clear enough for the operator.

“You said 304 Cedar Knoll, ma’am?” the woman asked.

“Yes, please, hurry and send someone,” I hissed.

Something slammed into the bedroom door and I jumped back with a scream as the pressed wood flexed under the impact. Hands shaking and heart pounding, I ran over to my desk and looked for anything I could use as a weapon. Another wall-shuddering thud hit the door right before the man spoke again.

“They’ll be too late, bitch. They always are. You wanna know all the things I’m gonna do you to before they get here? And to that little bitch too?!”

At those words, my blood ran cold.

“What’s taking so long?” I spit into the phone when I didn’t hear anything other than keys clacking.

“Okay ma’am, I was able to send out your location. An officer is on the way. Are you in a safe place away from the intruder?” she asked.

“Yes? No? I don’t fucking know. There’s a door between us.”

“Okay, I need you to stay on the line with me. An officer should be there about in twenty minutes.”

The door bowed under the pressure of what sounded like the intruder’s entire body being thrown against it and I felt my strength begin to drain, my knees going weak as I back up and leaned against the wall.

“Twenty minutes?!”

That was too long. Way too fucking long. Without much thought, I hung up the phone and dialed the first number I could think of. The intruders cursing was barely registering in my mind as I prayed for my only hope to answer. They had been renting out a place not too far away and with luck they’d still be awake, and thus the closest help.

“Ginger? It’s late, doll. What’s up?” Stu asked through the phone.

Another slam and cracking wood filled the air, along with a cackle that made me shudder.

“There’s someone in our house,” I whimpered, sliding down to sit on the floor as I felt panic set in hard, “He’s threatening to- to kill us. Are you guys able to-?”

“What?! Fuck, yeah. We’re on the way!”

I whispered a quiet thank you and tried to listen as he rambled something about being at the liquor store, but my attention remained on the crack slowly spreading down the door. I had to do something, but what?

“Hey! Ginger! Listen to me, sweetheart. Are you in a seperate room from him?”

Billy’s calming voice came through the haze like a beacon, and I quickly answered him that we were in my bedroom.

“Okay, good. I want you to barricade the door with whatever you have. Dressers, bed, whatever. Just keep him out until we get there. We’re less thab ten minutes away.”

I nodded, then realized with a frustrated sigh that he couldn’t hear that.

“Okay,” I finally murmured.

Climbing to my feet, I managed to pin the phone between my shoulder and ear and push the dresser at the same time. It wasn’t super heavy, but it was something. Next I maneuvered my vanity over. I barely had released it when the man slammed into the door again with a frustrated growl, tearing a startled scream from me as I stumbled back onto the floor.

“Do you have a weapon?” Billy asked suddenly.

“No,” I whispered.

“Is Poppy safe?” came the next question.

“Yes. He won’t be able to find her now,” I replied lowly.

“Okay, okay good. That’s good. We’re almost there.”

I heard a car horn honk from his side of the line and Stu swearing frantically, but then I stopped listening as recognition washed over me. The intruder was quiet, had been for a good minute or two.

As if my thoughts provoked his actions, suddenly the door was rammed again. The crack splintered farther down and I could swear there was light peeking through now.

“If you open up now, I promise to make the brat only watch! Hmm? How does that sound? Would you open up to save her?”

The guy sounded winded or hurt or something, but his threat was still bone-chilling nonetheless. I knew I stood no real chance against him weaponless. A terrified whine escaped before I could stop it and I felt my stomach lurch in disgust.

“We’re here! Right outside, Ginger. Don’t come out, okay?” Billy snapped sharply.

“O-Okay,” I whispered.

A door slammed in the other room and I heard the intruder let out a cry of shock before all three men were yelling. I couldn’t help but hide my head in my arms, unable to stand the sensory overload of the screaming onto top of all the other shit going through my mind. When a cry of pain sounded, my heart nearly stopped. I jumped to my feet when Stu yelled out for Billy, and nearly tore the furniture from the door to investigate the cause, but then came a loud thud; like a body hitting the floor.

I couldn’t make out what was being said at first, but then I heard my name.

“We got him! It’s okay now.”

With a strength I didn’t know I possessed, I shoved away the dresser and vanity as fast as possible and tore the door open, just to be greeted with the sight of Billy and Stu holding down a large man. A glint in the dark drew my attention to the blade at his throat, but my attention was quickly moved to the blood dripping from Billy’s nose.

Fuck. He’d gotten hurt trying to help me. A wave of guilt crashed over me, calmed only slightly when he spoke up.

“I should gut you here and now, you fuckwad,” Billy growled, “Slice you open and let you watch your intestines bleed out like a butchered pig.”

“Yeah! Teach you a lesson about messing with what isn’t yours!” Stu hissed, a terrifying look of glee on his bright eyes.

“No! Don’t kill him! No killing please.”

My shouts echoed across the room, over the man’s pained cries and the heavy grunts of Stu and Billy, and thankfully they both seemed to listen. On shaking legs, I slowly made my way over to them. The assailant was still stupidly struggling under the guys, but they gave him no quarter.

“Let’s do this the right way, okay? Remember, new start,” I whispered, carefully reaching out.

Billy tilted his head back, obviously weighing the options, before be nodded once. I couldn’t help but cringe as the blood dribbled down from his nose.

Damn that asshole for causing all of this mayhem!

“New start,” Billy agreed finally.

Hesitantly I rested a hand on their backs in a grateful manner, to which Stu surprisingly seemed to relish in.

I let out a yelp of fear as Billy reached out and suddenly slammed the man’s face into the floor, effectively knocking him out and silencing him immediately. Stu let out a snort then leaned lightly against my leg, his weight and warmth a welcome support in return, as Billy tied the man’s hands behind his back.

I let out a sigh of relief as we finally heard sirens approaching.

“Where’s Poppy?” Stu demanded suddenly, rising to his feet with an expression kin to fear on his face.

Billy swore harshly and growled out, “Did he hurt her before?!”

“No, no, she’s okay,” I reassured him quickly, “We hid before he got to us.”

Both men went limp in obvious relief as I called for her to come out. I heard nightstand scrape on the ground before she rushed out, barreling straight into my legs. I wasted no time hugging her back. After a few moments, she threw herself at the Stu. He brought her up in a bear hug, tossing a questioning look in my direction, to which I could only shrug. Why would I deny her comfort after what we’d just experienced? She clung to him like her life depended on it.

“We’re safe now, baby,” I murmured to her, reaching out and rubbing her back.

Her curls bobbed as she nodded in understanding. As she began to pull back, she instantly reached out for Billy, who was much more hesitant about holding her.

“Thank you. Thank you for saving us,” Poppy muttered into his shoulder.

“Of course,” was all he said eyes wide and glued to mine.

It was painfully obvious that he felt awkward and unsure of the familial affection, and I wanted to help somehow but wasn’t sure how. Stu shifted closer and wordlessly wrapped an arm around my shoulder, copying the motion on Billy, drawing us in. Poppy let out a little hiccup and a weak whimper as she fit snugly between the three of us. Feeling less awkward and even more grateful to them, I let my guard down and gave into my baser emotions; the dam breaking with the first tears that slipped out.

“Oh doll,” Stu muttered, squeezing me tighter when a little sniffle escaped my hold.

Eyes burning and chest aching with so many hectic emotions, I wrapped an arm around both their waists and held them tight; soaking up the feeling of complete and utter safety. As I rested my face against Stu’s chest, the tears flowed freely.

“You’re okay now,” Billy added after a few moments, “We’re not gonna let anyone hurt you.”

The sincerity in his tone took some of the ache away. I carefully drew from Stu and turned to face Billy, letting a frown curve at my lips.

“But you got hurt,” I murmured.

He looked surprised for a second before simply shrugging.

“This is nothing. I’d take worse if it’s what I had to do to make sure you guys weren’t hurt,” he replied.

Blushing, I swallowed hard and tentatively reached out, taking the hand that wasn’t holding up Poppy.

“Thank you. Let me go get a napkin and some ice for your nose.”

[theshinsun]

I'm in an Aokaga mood, can you please share some happy and sad Aokaga headcanons that you have?

I’m so sorry this took so long!! ;;-;; I haven’t had time to sit down and think with my new work schedule and I wanted to give it my full attention bc… I have so many headcanons for these boys, just… so many. here’s a few just, of their relationship in general:

happy headcanons:

these two would be the most cuddly goddamn fuckers all the time. Aomine flops on top of Kagami on the couch, Kagami wakes Aomine up by putting his head under his shirt and blowing raspberries on his stomach, they're clingy and gross and always hanging all over each other, even in public they don't give a fuck.

they tease each other constantly. Aomine usually instigates, but Kagami dishes his shit right back and they're both incredibly guilty of starting a bullshit fight just for an excuse to flirt and get up in each other's faces.

they think they're really good at being subtle and keeping the fact that they're together a secret, but they are not. they're so fuckin obvious. of course Kuroko is the first to catch on, but everyone on the planet knows within the first week.

Kagami teaches Aomine to cook. at first he sulks and complains the whole time and get frustrated when he doesn't know any of the utensils or even like, how to preheat an oven, but eventually he starts to enjoy just spending time with Kagami in the kitchen and actually learns a lot.

Kagami is the only person Aomine will allow to touch his limited edition Jordans, he's also the only one who really appreciates him having a whole collection of them.

Kagami's favorite part about Aomine is his eyes. Aomine's favorite part about Kagami is his smile.

Aomine really likes sneaking up on Kagami and hugging/kissing him out of nowhere, Kagami grumbles about it bc it gives him a heart attack every time and tells Aomine he'd give him all the attention he wants if he'd just ask, but secretly he thinks it's really cute.

they turn every aspect of their relationship that they can into a competition like "I kissed you first!" "oh yeah? well I did it better!" they're both so dumb.

they do everything together. like, everything. grocery shopping, video games, working out, napping, showering. they have a lot of the same interests and even the ones they don't share, they end up doing together bc it's more fun to be with each other. Kagami jokes that Aomine's so clingy he'd follow him into the bathroom if he could. Aomine tests him on it one time and gets his ass thrown out.

Aomine's the little spoon. fight. me.

Aomine likes doing big, extravagant things for Kagami, giving him lots of gifts and showing off to get his attention. he usually ends up fucking it up and making a fool of himself, but Kagami still appreciates the thought.

Kagami's thoughtful gestures are more subtle, everyday things like packing Aomine's lunch for him, coming to pick him up and bringing him an umbrella when it rains. there's no question that they both dote on each other equally, they just show their love in different ways.

sad headcanons:

their communication skills are awful. a lot of their worst fights are because of misunderstandings that spin out of control, or a refusal to admit they're wrong or say how they really feel. Aomine is undoubtedly the worse offender here, but Kagami's not much better and has said just as many hurtful things in the heat of the moment and then refused to take them back.

a disagreement that starts small turns into not talking to each other for days because they're both too stubborn and proud to just talk to each other. 

when they're in a fight, they actively avoid each other. Kagami goes off on his own and just feels angry and miserable and sad by himself, but Aomine inflicts it on other people, lashing out at everyone and making the situation worse... basically they both start self-destructing when they try to stay apart. 

it's not perfect when they aren't fighting with each other, either. being more or less open about their relationship, they both unfortunately have to deal with their share of harassment. Kagami's pretty used to shrugging it off, and Aomine can usually do the same if it's directed at him, but he's extremely protective and if someone starts talking shit about Kagami, he can't help responding in a way that results in him coming home with bruises and split knuckles at best.

sometimes he doesn't come home, and then Kagami has to go out and look for him, always worrying one day he's going to find him dead because he doesn't have the fucking self-preservation to cut his losses and walk away.

it's not like Kagami's the poster child for self-restraint, though. it's less common with him, but he's thrown his share of punches where they didn't belong and gotten the shit kicked out of him on occasion, too. he's just not nearly the glutton for violence that Aomine can be, which makes him wonder if part of it is a way of punishing himself.

they've both got their share of issues and vices to work through. when Kagami's stressed out, he goes without sleep, works himself to exhaustion, sometimes even forgets to eat. he's pushed himself to collapse at least once and scared the shit out of Aomine, who has to practically force him to lie down and fucking eat and rehydrate before he ends up in the hospital.

for Aomine, when his depression gets bad he oversleeps, doesn't have the energy to shower or get dressed, and he takes his emotions out on other people. unfortunately, the person he usually has handy as a punching bag is Kagami. he's said some of the nastiest things to him as a result of feeling like shit himself, and started awful, blow-out fights because he hasn't been taking care of himself. 

when Kagami cools off and realizes that's the case, he can remind him to take his meds or talk him into using better coping skills, but until then, he's not exactly the most comforting influence and usually just makes things worse. 

I’m gonna cut myself off before this gets ridiculous, but I could honestly talk about these two boys forever. they’re just so important to me... I’ve been writing about them for going on six years now, but it still feels like I’ve barely scratched the surface considering the massive archive of ideas I’ve got for them. thanks so much for asking!! ^^ I hope this satisfies even if it’s late. <3

[angelsswirl]

Vellichor

The One With Maya's Confession

Notes: If I don't write Vellichor chapters on slap happy whims at 3 am then who am i? Back to Jisoo next chapter! Only 4 (?) more chapters left in this series.😱 Also no one said anything so I assume we like the new format.

Rating: T+

Word Cnt: 1.5k

"They said, 'All teenagers scare the livin' shit out of me'. They could care less as long as someone'll bleed."

Lia eyed Maya oddly, she was letting Lia win at Mario Kart and she never let Lia win at Mario Kart. It was a sort of unspoken agreement they had. Maya won Mario Kart games on the Switch and Lia won FIFA games on the Playstation. It was the only way they could justify purchasing both high-end consoles.

If you asked Lia, she'd tell you that her and Maya had been forced into friendship almost like some sort of medieval betrothal. Their parents were best friends (though that was kind of hard to tell with the way Jisoo and Irene talked to each other) and they were the firsts born, so in their minds it was only natural that their offspring be besties too.

And sure, 19 years later it had worked out for the better. They really were best friends. They told each other everything (within reason).

When Lia had lost her virginity to the Cheerleading captain her junior year, she had practically called Maya before it was even actually over.

And when Maya had gotten peer-pressured by Ryland and Jesse to go to her first house party, then proceeded to get drunk like there was no tomorrow, she called Lia to come pick her up in fear that her mother would definitely murder her. Okay, she called Lia to come get Ryland and Jesse too, but it was mainly about her!

So, Lia knew that look on Maya's face. That look that said I have something I desperately need to get off my chest. That look that said listen and don't comment when I'm done. And it was serving to irritate her that Maya was holding out on her for so long.

"Just say it." Lia murmured just as a blue shell upended her go-kart.

Maya pursed her lips. She listened for their parents. Jisoo and Irene were busy in the bathroom of Lia's and Maya's apartment attempting to fix something they definitely did not know how to fix. She heard Irene curse and knew they would be in there for at least 45 more minutes.

"Hey uh, would you be mad if I slept with your sister?" Maya mumbled, she scratched at her chin awkwardly.

"No, but Taylor would probably beat your ass. And I'd just watch because you'd deserve it and it would be funny." Lia audibly giggled as she imagined the sight.

"...Not Ryland."

Lia's go-kart slowly came to a stop on the screen. And suddenly, Maya was winning again as she desperately pressed accelerate as if she would be able to physically drive away from this conversation.

Lia turned her head toward Maya slowly, "Peyton? My baby sister? My kid fucking sister, Peyton Kim? Who is a baby and a child and evil and younger than you? And - and a kid? That Peyton?! My baby sister?!" 

Both of them are losing at Mario Kart now.

"She's only a year younger than me. She turns 18 literally next week! Why are you so mad?" Maya claimed exasperated.

If Lia knew Maya's "We Need to Talk" look, then Maya definitely knew Lia's "Take a Five Second Headstart" look.

Maya stupidly doesn't take her headstart.

She isn't exactly surprised when Lia tackles her to the carpeted floor. She is surprised by her urge to fight back. She had never really been a fighter, but this feels different. This feels like she's fighting for her omega, which is stupid and out of left field and Peyton isn't even her omega, but she just can't help herself when her fist flies in the direction of Lia's temple.

It missed of course. Like she said, she's never been much of a fighter.

"Maya." Her mother's growl is enough to get her to stop squirming underneath Lia. She mewled and cowered a fair bit. She may be an adult but her mother's growl was literally never not going to terrify her.

Jisoo does the same thing to Lia, but she's just so mad and pent up and everything seems to be falling apart around her that she completely disregarded it.

Jisoo had to more or less put her in a headlock and yank her away from Maya to get her to relax.

"What the hell are you two fighting about?" Jisoo asked as she put Lia on the couch.

"Yeah, Maya what are we fighting about?"

"..."

"That's what I thought." Lia shook her head. She shrugged her mother off of her and hurried out of the front door.

Lia drove around for what felt like a good two hours before coming to a stop in front of a semi-familiar house.

She walked to the front door and knocked hesitantly.

Wendy opened the door with a surprised smile, "Oh, hey Lia. What are you doing here?"

What a great question.

"I-I-I don't know?"

Wendy's eyebrows furrow before she steps to the side. Inviting Lia in silently. Lia doesn't know how to express her gratitude without saying it.

Even though she should be, considering how often he does it at games and practice, she isn't expecting for the small ball of pent up boy energy to come flying at her legs in an attempt at a hug.

"Uh, hey kid." Lia patted him on the back awkwardly. Luckily, he doesn't seem to sense anything is off.

"Do you want anything to drink?" Wendy asked. And Lia could only blink in answer. Wendy was so nice and pretty and considerate and gorgeous. And Lia isn't sure what she ever could have done to deserve to bask in this woman's presence.

"Um, a glass of water would be nice." And Lia didn't plan on drinking it, but she didn't want to be rude. Wendy nodded and gestured for her to sit on the couch in the meantime. And Lia did without question.

Immediately, Kyle seemed to be bored with her presence and went back to doing whatever it was kids his age do when their parents aren't looking.

Wendy handed a glass of water to Lia and sat next to her on the couch.

"Do you want to talk?"

Lia counted the number of ice cubes in her glass exactly six times before speaking.

"I think my life is falling apart." Lia said, counting the ice cubes once more.

Wendy raised an eyebrow at the statement, "How so?"

"Oh. Easy! For starters, my parents haven't spoken to each other in a week and a half. My career was ripped away from me. And I think I just lost my best friend. Somehow, I can't help but feel like it's all my fault." Yes, she originally wasn't going to drink any of the water, but now she feels like she needs to down a few gulps after that revelation.

"Well, those first two things I can almost guarantee aren't your fault. Your parents problems are not yours. And by the way you've talked about them before, I think they'll be alright. Eventually. Also, you had no way of knowing you were going to get sick. Now as far as the last one, I'm going to need more information to explain it away."

"She slept with my sister and like any great alpha big sister, I attempted to kill her."

Lia frowned as Wendy started to laugh hysterically.

"Please don't laugh after I call myself a great alpha."

Wendy swiped at a stray tear, "Sorry but that's hilarious. You got mad at your best friend for sleeping with your sister? The sister who you said yourself has had a crush on said friend since she could walk? You're mad about the inevitable?"

"But-but she's my baby sister!"

"She's not your baby sister. She's your younger sister. Who is pretty much an adult and can make decisions for herself."

"But-"

"No. You've known both of them your entire life. You know that if they decide to date that your sister will be fine. And if something goes wrong, which I'm sure it won't. Maya definitely knows now that Peyton has an older sister that is willing to go to jail to protect her. On that note, I'm sure Ryland's mate knows that too."

"So, what you're saying is that one was my fault?"

Wendy rolled her eyes, "That's not the only thing, but sure."

Lia's nose scrunched up.

"What's this really about, Lia?"

"...I just feel like things are moving without me. Like I've got very little control over what's happening to me."

"That's not true. I'm sure you have the best control. Over a bunch of things that are meant to be controlled by you."

"You're just being nice."

"Maybe. But I'm also right. In fact, I'll prove it to you. Kyle has a boy scout meeting soon. You should stay over."

Lia thinks her throat just closed up. Despite, the fact that she cannot breathe, she manages to push out a response without any hesitation.

"Okay."

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

self harm tw

this might come out like a vent thing but i have no queer friends to talk to and am too scared to make friends

i (f17) have been thinking that i might be bi for over 2 yrs now and am very very very paranoid about people finding out about it and recently read comp het and a few things related to it and i think i might be a lesbian but this just hit me like a fucking truck and just i CANNOT be a lesbian i can't even say it out loud tho i couldn't do it with bisexuality too but i don't want to be gay i want to be straight and all of this is just crushing me so bad i have my exams amd school work pending, I'm failing my classes, i used to self harm like a year ago and stopped after 3 4 months i think but i am back at it and it's worse this time.....i have no one to talk to coz i am also very shy and even my best friend is being distant or is just saying ok whenever i try to talk to her about this which i understandable as she is straight and doesn't get what I'm feeling like and it's a lot and i know this will sound super dumb but i tried to "become" straight like i unfollowed every queer acc and scraped every rainbow colored thing in my room i started trying to limit myself in any way and make sure i don't act "gay"(dress wise behaviour wise etc) and i cannot do it i just can't happen to change it and it's only been 4-5 days.......i don't want to be gay, if i were straight i would have never self harmed or did as badly i am doing in school rn and like it's my final yr and the marks matter and just i don't know; i don't even know what i expect you to reply to this honestly

im sorry if this is a lot to unload on you

You cannot “become” straight. That’s literally why conversion therapy doesn’t work. It’s impossible. Your sexual oriantation isn’t something you have any control over. It’s just what it is. It might change naturally but you cannot ~make it~ change. Because sexual orientation isn’t sticking a bunch of rainbows to your bedroom wall (or scraping them off). It’s whom you are attracted to - that’s not something anyone can control.

And that’s a fact you have to learn to accept because otherwise you won’t ever be able to move past this. You are what you are. Whether that’s bi or gay or some other shade of queer remains to be seen, I guess. But you cannot just force yourself to be straight and trying so will only make your mental health worse because you will keep failing at it. Because it is impossible.

You gotta learn to accept that you are queer. And in order to do so I recommend the exact opposite of what you’ve been doing. Follow more queer accounts. Slab all those rainbows back on! Read up on queer history. Try to talk to people about it - if you can’t do that offline then do it online. Find queer friends on tumblr or join a queer discord server. Show to yourself that you are not alone.

And as for your mental health and self-harm: if you have access to it then pls think about getting professional help from a queer-friendly therapist or some kind of queer counselling. Ask google if there is a queer resource center in your country or your specific area that you can contact to ask for help and guidance. They might be able to refer you to people and resources that can help. Other than that, try to find less dangerous coping mechanisms by looking for alternatives to self-harm.

Just like you cannot will yourself to magically be straight you cannot just make your mental health better over night. It’s gonna take time and energy. It isn’t a cake-walk for some people. And that’s still okay because it’s worth it in the end. Also, keep in mind that you are going through all of this in the middle of a global pandemic - which for me as a 31yo is already mindblowingly tough on my mental health. I can only imagine what it’s like for teenagers to go through this right now on top of the regular teenage struggles AND on top of figuring out one’s queerness. You might think it doesn’t have anything to do with your struggle at school and your queerness but everything’s connected, kiddo. For people who are prone to isolate themselves (which you basically said you are, being shy and all) this pandemic situation can really strengthen that character trait for the worse. So please try to reach out to people. I’m proud you’re already doing so by messaging us. But try to keep doing that. Talk to people as much as you can and don’t shy away from asking for help.

You might currently not like being queer. But you are. And you gotta make your peace with that. So take a deep breathe, accept that your queerness is something you cannot change and then take your baby steps towards being okay with it. And then going from “okay” to actually loving it. it might take a while but it’s worth it. You are worth it!

Maddie

[sigurdjarlson]

So, coz I never get tired of this (and because I'm trying to distract myself from being hellishly hungover): What would the Wintermoon girls be like as villains? Say they joined Aszhara, or Elisande, rather than making their own way?

Ooooh interesting question. 

This got extremely long and borders on being a goddamn character analysis essay I’m so sorry

I hope you feel better soon though. Hangovers are hell.

edit: (OOOF  forgot the read more. Sorry to anyone who had this monster of a post take up their dash for a minute there)

Any villain Diily AU I have tends to be one where she loses Alaluria and Ladelia in a very traumatic way and just kind of..snaps. Or rather doesn’t give a fuck about anything but getting vengeance.

Completely disillusioned with everyone, heroes, villains, she doesn’t care. Get in her way and you’re cat food.

A lot of things that make her..her? Would be gone. Compassion being the most notable missing trait. It’s switched off and twisted into something much worse.

I think..cold. She’s all rage but it’s a quiet and cold rage. Calculating. Patient. Ruthless. She’s a huntress after all and she is just..hunting a different kind of prey now.

And honestly cruel because why should she continue to be kind when the world never was to them? Why should she keep giving when all fate seems to do is take and take from her until there’s nothing left.

She’s putting all that pain and rage onto her victims and it makes for..very brutal deaths. Because they deserve it, don’t they? They’re all monsters. All of them. Look what they did. Even those who had nothing to do with it?

The world is cruel so she will be too. She tried being good once and look where that got her.

Such a huge part of her identity is being that sister figure to Alaluria and Ladelia. Her life has been dedicated to protecting them for 10,000 years. And naturally that inherent kindness and compassion extends to the rest of the world too.

They’ve all got some..hm..codependency issues that have been getting better as they get older and branch out, spend time with other people but they do still exist. Ironically I’d actually say Diily has it the worst there. It’s part why her and Alaluria clashed so much. It didn’t mesh well with Alaluria’s own deep rooted issues.

And WERE ABOUT TO GET REAL DEEP INTO THEIR PSYCH because it plays a huge part in how something like this could so drastically change her

GODDDD my Diily. She’s such a mess and full of good intentions that sadly don’t always have the best results. And the saddest thing about her is that she was just as much of a traumatized, terrified child as the other two when they lost their parents.

And she was thrust into that mother role which she was of course not emotionally or mentally prepared to take. She herself is deeply traumatized and trying to cope but none of them know how.

She does know she loves them though. And so, she throws herself in that role completely. They’re her world okay. She loves them more than life itself. I can’t stress that enough.

And another thing that breaks my heart is that in becoming what is essentially their mother as a young pre-teen she gave up everything. None of them had a typical upbringing and a typical adolescence but Diily really had none of that.

She’ll starve herself before she let them go hungry (she’s done it before). She’ll sell her body before she lets them freeze or succumb to illness. (And god she wasn’t ready for that. Not at all. My poor girl.)

She’d tear her own heart from her chest herself if it meant theirs kept beating.

She gives and gives and it leaves her very empty. This doesn’t only stretch to her sisters. She’s very much..a caretaker? But she doesn’t really know how to balance that with taking care of herself. So, she lets them fall or the side because in her eyes? She’s completely unimportant in comparison.

She never got to be a teenager. None of them did but she lost her innocence in ways that she bent over backwards to protect them from.

The worst part she’ll never think she’s done enough. She’s proud of the people her sisters have become but she feels she’s failed them. They didn’t have a normal childhood. They saw and did things no child should have to see and do. (Even while she got the worst of it)

In my eyes, she’s far from perfect but here she did the best she could.  (and someone truly needs to tell her that ugh 3)

They’ve been hurt and she takes them being hurt as a personal failure. Rationally she cannot keep them safe from everything but she blames herself every time. She’s her big sister after all. She’s supposed to protect them.

And that has resulted in well intentioned but ultimately unhealthy patterns of behavior such as her occasionally being overprotective or overbearing. (As she gets older she does get way better about this but there were times as a teenager she naturally had no idea how to deal with Alaluria’s confusing outbursts of rage and Ladelia’s complete dependence on her. And it did result in her trying to protect them in ways that came out more controlling then anything because she’s not an adult she’s just a kid and she has no idea how to be a mother. That and she’s their sister not their mother and it creates really confusing dynamics when Diily tries to tell Alaluria what to do for example. They will never see her as a mother figure. So..there’s some clashing there if that makes sense.

Alaluria saw her overbearing/overprotectiveness as a need to control and it clashed completely with her independent nature. She lashed out. She left. (While simultaneously craving and needing that love and affection and it used to frustrate Diily so much because she didn’t understand. Alaluria unsurprisingly couldn’t articulate what she needed (what child can?) and Diily couldn’t give her what she needed. (She’d never be able to give her everything no matter how much she tries.)

God and you know I can see the rift deepening because Alaluria keeps lashing out and driving her away and simultaneously is hurt when Diily reacts accordingly because Diily doesn’t understand why she’s acting that way. She’s a child herself so her own stubbornness and temper make her snap back which only worsens the situation.

And it results in Alaluria acting out more because Diily is naturally going to well withdraw (and probably pay more attention to Ladelia as a result which wasn’t purposeful or spiteful but its natural she’s put her energy into the sister who doesn’t keep purposefully hurting her) but whatever she does it doesn’t get her the reaction she wants.

(Alaluria doesn’t know what she want. My beautiful ball of contradictions)

Alaluria flip flops badly when it comes to affection. She craves it but will reject it when it comes her way. It’s why she sometimes reacts positively to her sisters being affectionate and other times she lashes out or pulls away. It seems like a contradiction because it is.

And you know I can’t blame either of them. It was just such a clash of personalities and most of all…shitty circumstances. And it’s the fact that they were just kids. Maybe not when Alaluria left but emotionally they’re all kind/of fucked up so it really doesn’t matter.

And on a more personal level Diily doesn’t like herself. Frankly she hates herself. Her self worth is very much dependent on her role as a caretaker and protector. Sadly? The truth of it all is that you can’t be a perfect caretaker. You can’t protect everyone from everything. And it’s something she still struggles to learn. (See: her devastation at what happened to Teldrassil and desperation to make it right) there are other reasons for it too.

Shes..got this need to be seen as strong and put together. (Which is why I enjoy taking her apart so much I think). She wants people to be able to trust and rely on her and her eyes she needs to be strong for them.

Her pain, her needs get shoved down.

She doesn’t think about. She doesn’t want to. So she focuses on others.

And really? All her personal baggage? She doesn’t know how to deal with any of it. None of them have exactly learned healthy coping mechanisms lmao.

She was a scared, hurt little girl who was forced into becoming a mother by horrible circumstance and saw and did things no child should ever have to see and do.

And she’s been trying to pretend she has it together for a very, very long time.

But she has no idea what she’s doing. She was (and still is) just as lost and scared as her sisters but she saw that they needed her and stepped up in a way..she never should have had to.

Kids are supposed to be selfish and immature. It’s a give in. It’s a part of growing up and something they’re taught to grow out of. They’re not supposed to do the things she had to do to keep them alive or give up the things she did.

What else could she do after all? They needed her. There was no other choice,

So what’s the point of the character analysis? I wanted to talk about my girls and got extremely carried away. Losing them would devastate her completely. So much of her would just..shatter. And if the circumstances are right enough it could make her snap in a way that’s really..not a pretty sight at all

She doesn’t have it together. She doesn’t know what to do with these extreme emotions. She doesn’t know what to do without someone to take care of. She doesn’t know what to with without them.

The only beings I can see her not being indifferent to is Wildheart and Brightheart of course. She loves them as loyally and unconditionally as she does her sisters. They’re family

She’s willing to do anything to get her revenge because that’s all that matters to her. The world is as dead to her as they are. Or rather..she’ll make it so it is.

-cough-

Alaluria being the most morally dubious of the three is a bit easier to figure out. It could’ve a similar situation to the above or one where the fel madness takes over. Or both.

If you want the cruelest version of her it would be the last option. Hm..Alaluria is already cynical and disillusioned with the world. Where Ladelia and Diily try to find the good she just sees the bad.

Ex; She’s distrustful while Ladelia is too trusting. Diily throws herself into helping others. Alaluria does the same but does it mainly by fighting rather than the loving, soft way Diily cares for others.

She is not bad in canon though. So let’s talk about my canon girl real quick the same way we did with Dil. 

And her repressed rage issues do come from the frankly massive amounts of trauma the three of them have been through. Rage that completely stems from pain. Diily internalizes her pain mostly. Alaluria takes it out on those she deems guilty. And she’s willing to do ruthless things to achieve a greater good. Her and Illidonk has that in common.

(She was honestly a happy child before everything. She’s always had a bit of a temper but so do Diily and Ladelia lmao. It’s just..a little harder to push them to their breaking points. Unless you know where to hit them.

And what really, really killed any idealism still clinging to her?

The Illidari. Illidan. That whole shebang.

She was still..there was a still a bit of that bright eyed brave little girl in her that wanted to save the world and make it a you know..not shitty place..and that was smashed to pieces when she really saw the reality of things.

Illidan has a part to play in that but no more than the entirety of the situation. Diily blames him for it. I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to blame him too much as she made her own choice to join them and stay.

And sometimes there are glimpses of that little girl, mostly with her sisters. When she’s laughing with them or finds joy in something innocent like a saber cub batting at her tail or finding a really cool gem. (I almost said rock because that makes it sound really funny. “Wow look at this rock I found” “that’s great alaluria”)

Anyway, my point. She’s a deeply troubled woman with barely repressed rage issues and it comes from deep trauma and an all consuming pain and complete and utter disillusionment with the world..yet is she really? She’s still fighting for it. There’s some part of her that holds onto hope that it can be better.

But she’s also managed to stay a..mostly decent person. She doesn’t hurt innocents normally. She has but she feels genuine guilt for it. She might growl and grumble but she does help others. It gives her a sense of purpose that has recently been shaken with the destruction of the Legion. She feels..good. Like she’s doing something good.

The whole point of joining the Illidari was to help everyone. To help fix what she saw as the biggest problem. 

She’s not the monster she thinks she is. She’s just a scared, hurting little girl in a woman’s body. 

And yes, she left Diily and Ladelia but that separation (even though she did it willingly) was very traumatic and devastating for her. She was suddenly on her own for the first time in her life and more or less thrown into a den of wolves. (it says a lot about her that she came out leading the whole pack so to speak. :’) my girls are so strong I love them..why am i so mean to them)

And I think knowing Diily and Ladelia were out there even when not being with them is something entirely different from them being dead.

There was always the chance they would reconcile and I think maybe on a more unconscious level..she always thought/knew they would reconcile. It was something inevitable in her mind. She couldn’t imagine anything else.

I can see her always having this belief that after everything was done. After the Legion was defeated she would be able to see them again. And she’d say it was just to shove it in their faces that she was right but..

The world she so viciously determined to protect? She’s always been very aware they’re a part of it too. Even while she “hated” them she was trying to protect them.

So, I think losing them. Especially after reuniting with them (but even during the separation) would be especially devastating. Another thing ripped from her. More proof there’s nothing good at all in the world.

And you know she idealizes them to some degree. She sees Diily and Ladelia as inherently good and herself as bad. (Regardless of how they try to convince her otherwise)

And so she’s just full of rage because it should have been her? There’s no fairness, no sense of justice in this universe if they die and not her because they were good and kind and she’s a monster.

And they were her sisters. And she doesn’t know what to do, how to function in a world where there’s no hope of ever seeing them again.

And now she doesn’t have any fucks to give.

And an Alaluria with no moral compass is a terrifying Alaluria.

Also it would be extremely easy for the demon creeping around in her head/soul to take advantage of that completely and twist her into the perfect weapon. The weapon part.. It’s kind of what Illidan did but he did it for the purpose of destroying the legion which as an idea is a good thing but we all know his methods and morals are questionable at best (*blows a kiss towards Illidan Stormrage* love ya, you bastard)

A villain!Alaluria would be absolutely ruthless. Full of completely unleashed rage and pain. The world wants to hurt her? She’ll hurt it right back. She’ll make the whole damn thing burn.

The worst part is in this au though?

She becomes what she hates most.

As for Ladelia.

She’s the most innocent of the three. The most idealistic. Diily is kind but she’s also usually rather realistic. Ladelia is a dreamer.

A lot of this comes from Diily trying very hard to shelter her and Alaluria from the brutal reality of the world (this isn’t something she could ever do of course but she did try)

But she succeeded more with Ladelia. Alaluria lashed out where Ladelia clung to Diily. Ladelia was younger than either of them when they lost their parents. She doesn’t have the vivid memories that keep Diily and Alaluria up at night. She remembers bits and pieces but not as much.

And being the baby sister and the sister that was not only tolerant of Diily’s overbearing nature but needed it she was coddled more? Alaluria wouldn’t let herself be coddled. Ladelia needed it. She needed love and Diily is just so full of love.

(Diily never intended to create a rift between her two little sisters but she did and it still shows even now sometimes. Especially because Ladelia has been by Diily’s side when Alaluria wasn’t. That’s not a judgement on her though (it sounded too aggressive) it’s just that Alaluria feels..well, she feels left out when they talk about their adventures or they share an inside joke that she doesn’t understand. It’s a natural feeling and it makes my heart hurt for her. (They don’t mean to hurt her)

I wouldn’t call Ladelia spoiled necessarily but she is babied by Diily (and despite their differences and one sided rivalry Alaluria does baby her too..in her own way) It’s easy to see that whenever she’s in trouble she turns tail and runs to Diily. (And Maybe Alaluria resents that it’s never her that her baby sister runs too. God they’re all so complicated)

She’s become far more independent over the years but she still tends to lean very heavily on Diily which is only natural. And Diily wouldn’t dream of turning her baby sister away but she learned from Alaluria it’s important to encourage their independence instead of try to control it.

But codependency issues aside. Ladelia is a genuinely good and kind person. She has a lot of Diily’s compassion and tends to be more of a dreamer than either of them. It’s why she fell so hard for Jaina (and she hurt so much for her when Jaina lost that)

But she does have a temper. Her chosen element of choice is fire after all. (This says so much about her but I’ll tape down that essay for now. It’s especially notable when you compare her to her sisters who are not fond of fire at all and Teldrassil cemented that for them lmao) She’s..the most immature of the three. More impulsive and she wears her feelings on her sleeve unlike Diily and Alaluria. Ugh I don’t want to make her sound “weak” because she’s anything but. She’s endured horrible shit and still come out good and..soft. that’s..that’s not nothing :’)

But Diily is..generally reserved with strangers. Not aggressive or rude but she isn’t going to let them see her at anything but her best.

Ladelia an adult don’t get me wrong but she is more..immature than them? I’m not sure that’s the right word. Don’t get me wrong she has had the idealism dampened over the years by the things she’s been forced to see and do. War has a way of doing that.

But she clings to this belief that people must be mostly inherently good..because she needs to believe that. 

There’s a deep sadness in her just like the other two but it manifests a bit differently.

A lot of her sadness is aimed at the world as a general thing rather than any specific entity? Diily and Alaluria hate, hate, hate the Legion and focus their rage on them. Now it’s shifted to Sylvanas and Azshara (although Azshara’s part in the Legion nonsense is something they very much are aware of and hate her for)

Ladelia does too but she doesn’t have the memories they do. Her memory is foggy (probably her mind protecting itself really) 

She doesn’t understand why people do such horrible things. She doesn’t know why bad things happen to good people. And she hates that she can’t save everyone. (You’ll see that with both her and Diily)

But a villain Ladelia??

That would be someone who kills in the name of what they believe is good but I could see her sense of good being twisted if she lost Diily and Alaluria. Especially if in her grief someone like Azshara latched onto her.

She’d be very easily to manipulate in that sense.

And she is a very powerful mage. It’s something she is very proud of. Like Jaina she’s so hungry for knowledge. I think part of her thinks maybe if she understands the universe..she can “fix” it? She just has to understand first.

And that creates someone who absolutely excels in a field like magic. She’s very determined, she’s as stubborn as Diily and Alaluria are (it’s a family trait clearly) And she pushes and pulls and picks apart the mysteries of the universe and deep down a part of her just wants to understand so she can help.

And it’s just a desire to understand. She feels better when she understands things. Things aren’t as scary when you understand them after all.

She was an unbearably curious child and still has that curiosity. It’s something Diily has managed to keep alive in her.

She’s ambitious in the sense she’s always reaching for new heights in terms of skill. She takes great pride in her skill at magic. I could see that being a bad thing in certain circumstances. “Knowledge is power..but using it wisely is the key.” “control your power..or it will control you.” etc. So a villain Ladelia might have magic as a corrupting influence rather than a positive one like in..”canon”

So a villain Ladelia to me is one who has become disillusioned with the concept of good. Or maybe one who just has a twisted idea or what is good. She’s passionate and so adamant what she’s doing is right and that? Those kinds of people are some of the most dangerous. Think..Jaina snapping and trying to  murder the entirety of Ogrimmar.

It’s the right thing to do? ..right? It has to be because she doesn’t know what to do if it’s not. And maybe she’s just full of rage and wants to take it out on those who are “bad” in her eyes.

But whether or not those people are truly bad..well, that’s almost always subjective isn’t it?

And maybe part of villain Ladelia knows that.

She just pretends she doesn’t.

She’s good at pretending.

——

NOW for the grand finale which is all three of them as villains together.

I’m wondering what could push them towards something so drastic. Typically it’s the death of the others that is the major catalyst in those au’s so.. (h

I think it would have to be an AU where they’re taken in by some sort of villain and manipulated.

Someone who pretends to love them and these three terrified, affection starved children eat up whatever parental attention they can get unaware they’re being manipulated.

It would have to be someone who can prey on all their individual weaknesses and bring out their best traits and then completely turn them on their head. Twist it for a bad purpose.

Diily’s capacity for unconditional love . Alaluria’s desire for revenge. Ladelia’s idealism and ambition.

I wonder if Azshara could be that person but it would have had to be when they were younger so it would have to be a pretty drastic au. They place a heavy amount of blame on her for the Legion shit. But if they were young she could probably twist it in her favor.

Maybe an old god of some sorts? (Oh dear that’s a scary thought)

I can see the Legion doing the same but through cruelty rather than faux kindness: I think it would be near impossible to make Diily and Alaluria loyal to the Legion after what they did to their home and family.

Ladelia is more..vulnerable to manipulation than them though.

BUT their captor would honestly have to be very good at psychological manipulation.

Using them against one another would be..horrifically successful. It could really work on Diily for example. It’s a very visible and glaring weakness and if someone took advantage of that. You could get her to do anything if you put them up as bargaining chips.

Hilariously I think their…hmmm captor would end up dead with that kind of behavior though. She won’t tolerate them being hurt and vice versa.

Lmao they just completely usurp their captor and..sadly take their role as villain however because it’s what they’ve been taught and groomed for.

Alaluria in particular would be willing if they really played with her arrogance and ambition. The demon in her head tries (and mostly fails since she’s very strong willed) to do that. You can do it better..just get him out of the way..you taught me to be ruthless after all. 

(makes me wonder about an AU where she comes to hate and resent Illidan instead of admire and love him)

Ladelia is the most hungry for love. That’s something you could use against her if you’re an absolutely abhorrent person. She’d want to make their “parental” figure proud and please them so they love her.

Ah it just depends on the captor’s methods. Are they cruel? Are they “kind” to them? You could inspire loyalty and love from them or…hatred and ruthlessness but the latter wouldn’t end in their captor’s favor. However if they went the kindness route they would have three girls absolutely willing to do whatever they wanted.

You know if they wanted to take advantage of three traumatized children (who all have so much potential) and turn them into weapons instead of the people they are in canon (I feel weird calling it canon since obviously ocs aren’t necessarily canon to WoW lore but- nevermind. it doesn’t matter. My canon for them) because my canon girls are deeply flawed who make mistakes but are mostly good people who just want to help and take care of each other okay. 

They have a creator who’s very mean to them

I will say I don’t envy the au where the three of them are villains (or separately but especially together). 

[kiefbowl]

I'm super duper insecure about my boobs. They are the same size, but my areolas are two completely different sizes. The one on the right is huge and hangs so much lower and it makes me so scared to look at myself in the mirror. Any tips on how to jumpstart the self love? I just want to stop thinking about it every day :(

Sorry this took awhile I wanted to give the time to answer it because I’ve been busy this week, but also something about this ask struck me deeply, and that is your word choice. And so what follows is what I doubt you were expecting, and is not within the tone of you question, but important to me and ultimately your word choice betrays you so I think you’ll want to read it, sweet sister.

Because this struck me as a very odd thing to say, though I believe it’s true even if you didn’t intend me to extrapolate as much: “the one on the right…hangs so much lower…it makes me so scared to look myself in the mirror.”

What are you afraid of?

You posses the reality in your mind about your right breast, but you’re afraid to look at it. It’s a strange duality because there seems to be the idea that you can handle that it’s true as long as you don’t have to perceive that it’s real. It speaks very true to me that that is the case because we see the same sort of rhetoric played out in so many different ways everyday that I argue is a byproduct of living under patriarchy and capitalism, among other things. There is definitely a cleave in our mind of our physical reality, our perceptions, and our mental self. I’ve spoken about it before, but essentially we compartmentalize these 3 parts of our selves, our existence, and deny the functioning whole of all 3. It allows us to also disassociate with one when we don’t like it or don’t want it.

Meaning what we see is some how different and excused from the space we’re occupying. The space we’re occupying has nothing to do with out thoughts and existence. Our body is temporary and disposable. Our senses are deniable when we don’t engage them. Our minds can be whatever we want as long as we believe strong enough. It’s false, but it’s played out in so many of us (even me!) in interesting ways that sometimes we don’t even recognize it. It’s a fucking existential nightmare, but at this point in time it’s par for course. We don’t realize we’re living in a way that is agonizing to the whole of us because we’ve been told it simply is. It simply IS that your employer owns your sleep schedule. It simply IS that war is necessary and it’s own art. It simply IS that the earth can be sectioned off for destruction for things like Nike shoes, iPhone chargers, and McDonald’s kids meal toys because it simply IS that you don’t want a life without those things, but of course. God forbid we lived in a world without Nike shoes, and the thousands of brands just like them.

But imagine the horror beyond horror if you took an ancient ancestor of ours and explained the destruction of a nuclear bomb, that people created it purposefully, and that people used it. At this moment, you might be like, where the fuck is a nuclear bomb related to my fucking right titty, but all things are connected sister. I want you to really imagine what it takes for even the generation before the nuclear bomb to really conceptualize the bomb’s existence alone, not to mention it’s soon to be future (and now current history).

And I mean really imagine it. Imagine the space between the people dropping the bomb vs. the people experiencing the bomb. Imagine the reality of people actually advocating for the production of these bombs. Imagine the body horror of people who have been victims of these bombs, and imagine a person who is so far removed from this reality in time, but is just as much human as us having to entertain these realities of all I’ve just described for just this one thing. It would probably be nightmarish to even think about. There would be refusal it is even possible, not scientifically, but humanly.

And imagine you, my lovely sister. You live in a post nuclear bomb world. And you live amongst people who all live in a post nuclear bomb world.

Is it no wonder that capitalists can propagate nonsense so easily that allow us to sever the ties with out body, our senses, our minds? Indeed, must they have done so themselves in order to be in the positions they are, to promote such evil things? Can you believe there are constituents who argue against universal health care? Our ancient grandmothers would not be able to comprehend the stupidity in which we so disregard our bodies, deny that they are as living in this world as us. It’s so ridiculous, it’s hard to come up with words to describe it. My sentences are almost nonsensical. “Deny that our bodies are as living in this world as we are” is dancing on a line of crazed lunacy. We are fighting against something in our minds that is so mounting, dark, and delirious as we live amongst the things and realities we now have assumed to be the natural progression of our world.

So…your titty. You can’t look at it. It fills you with fear. Fear of what, dearest? It hangs too low, unequal with its sister. This fills you with fear? Fear that it’s real and inescapable? But what is in the reality of your titty hanging low that is so fearful? What does a life look like with a low hanging breast that makes you too scared to live it?

Is it the fear of being unloved? Unlovable? Unsexed? Unconsumed? What life could lived better with a breast that sits higher? Are you watched more? Watched less? Do men attend to you? Is their attention desirable? Is it agony to find clothes? Would it be some relief for once to just buy clothes without breasts, and to look at yourself in the mirror reminds you that your life is filled with this nuisance until death?

Dear sister, I’m not joking when I ask, does she remind you of death? Your breast, is she age? Is she time passing? Is she illness lurking in the future?

Are you scared of words? Of lovers? Will nothing they say or do satisfy your fear and dislike of your body, and you know it’s true and you dread the experience?

But perhaps it is more like:

Are you aware of your body when you look in the mirror? Must you use your eyes to see that when you are reflected back to yourself you are, in fact, an animal of the world? That you inhabit, you survive, you feel sensations? And these sensations, they exist in your mind as well? Does the mirror remind you that you are entwined with your own self, a self you live to some degree shattered. Shattered because you’ve been told to, but also shattered because it is easier than the agony of facing what we know is true. It is easier living a shattered self when the world we now live in demands we live so inhumanly.

Does the mirror taunt this from you? Does your titty, does she laugh at your plans? She does nothing, and still continues to be. Her existence is the proof of gravity, of time, of natural forces. And she lives so unconcerned of it, she simply is at this time and place. Is your titty at peace while you are not?

So now that I’ve gone on a kafkaesque rant that does not at all match your tone of your original submission, let’s talk about what you actually asked: self love.

Self love I think is realizing that the above is true, and desperately, agonizing for the correction of it. Be intoxicated by the idea of your mirror self. Demand reality in your own life. Love the Self, not just your boobie. Your boobie is unaffected by you. She doesn’t care you don’t like her. She is not her own entity, she is a part of your functioning whole. She’ll continue to be. She is as unaffected by your mourning of a “better” body or a “perfect” body as your heart, or arm, or teeth.

So be her. Be her! She’s you!

Take time every day to stop and experience the world around you in the moment. Stop, and feel the presence of your moment, the energy of the people, the sun on your skin, the warmth it fills you with. To love your body is to love being alive on this earth as a human. You have to want those 3 things to be special and meaningful to you, all working together. You cannot escape that you on this earth at this time, that you are on this earth as a human, and that you are a living human. You have to make peace with the fact that you’re alive. You have to practice active living.

Since you’ve made it this far, here’s what you were actually looking for that is also useful and more fun to read:-masturbate!-try drawing yourself. I like to smoke weed and draw my self in front of the mirror no joke. -walk around naked as much as you can-go braless as much as you can!!!!-read up on biology because it helps you remember that your titty is just a titty-look at unsexualized pictures of titties-and of course masturbate!!:)

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hey Coon! Idk if you have already gotten a message from me, I was on mobile and the app crashed :°D so I'm writing again just in case. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and ask how you're doing! Soon I'll be free from exams and will catch up with stuff, including your fics. Also, you made me read Corqi for the first time and wtf, I love it. I've been reading Among Ruins and idk if you saw my comment, but I want to say it again: you've done a great job with that angst, ahah (*uncontrollable sobs*)

ALSKJDFLKAGJ AKLJASKLF GADKLADJFKLASFJ AKLDGJALKFJ ASLKJALKDGJADKLFJ

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPS

PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD BUDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

PURRRKWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD BUDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

YOOOOOOOUUUUUU

PHENOMENAL CREATURE

MADE OF SWEETNESS, YOU KIND AND ADORABLE THING. PRECIOUS AND KIND HOOMAN WITH A GOOD HEART AND NICE WORDS, YOU MARVELOUS WONDER, YOU BEAUTIFUL THING, HOW DO I SMACK YOU WITH LOVE, HOW- I’M THROWING AT YOU ALL THAT ICANFIND BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH K AJSDKLJGADKGJAK HOW DO I EXPRESS MY AFFECTION HOW DO I EXPRESS MY APPRECIATION HOW

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*INSERT GIF OF BIRD SCREAMING*

YOU APPEAR IN MY INBOX WITH NO WARNING, WHICH BLOWS MY OFF MY CHAIR ENOUGH ALREADY BECAUSE DAMN YOUR PRESENCE ALONE BRIGHTENS MY DAY AND MAKES IT SO HAPPY, AND THEN YOU THROW AT ME BEAUTIFUL AND NICE WORDS AND A LOT OF POSITIVITY, AND THEN YOU TALK TO ME ABOUT ONE OF MY FAVORITE FICS AND PRAISE IT!?!?!?!?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*COMBUSTING*

*MOONRACCOON.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING AND CANNOT REBOOT*

*will force self to reboot under the cut hnhgfhg*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

PURRRKWOOD BUDDY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I CAN’T STOP SCREAMING AKSJDKALGJ AKLDGJDLKGJSDG

*GOES AWAY TO TAKE A BREATH*

PURRRKWOOD BUDDY

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO

MAKE ME HAVE A HEART ATTACK!?!?!?!

YOU’RE KILLING ME WITH ALL YOUR SWEET EXISTENCE. ALL YOUR KINDNESS. I still haven’t properly thank you for the you know what you did in PMs, I just- have taken so long because life has either smacked me with stuff to do or I don’t feel I have the proper words or energy to thank you as I want to do it, it’s really still so beyond me and so mindblowing, I still can’t believe it… OTL

aND THEN YOU DROP HERE WITH MORE SWEETNESS THAT FILLS MY HEART SO MUCH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH, YOU’RE GIVING ME SO MUCH LOVE, MY HEART CAN’T CONTAIN ALL OF IT KLAJSDKLADJG A *SOBS*

Anyways, buddy, off to answer your message!!

D:

GASPS

Do you mean Tumblr ate a previous ask??? fUCK, FUCK- LISTEN-

If you sent a previous ask, it never made it in!! But if you mean in PMs, yes, it’s there!! Just as I said, and I’m sorry because of how stupid it sounds, but I’ve been waiting when I have the appropriate energy to reply to you as you deserve. I’ve let my conversations pile up and I thinkt hat answering the short ones one by one is easier so to not let them pile up, but they keep piling OTL 

So that’s why I haven’t replied. Yours is one of my prettiest conversations and one that I value a lot so I’ve been trying to answer as it deserves, not just with a random “lol kay”, it’s just…taken me a while OTL

So yes! No asks from you other than these two, and the PMs are there, and I hope to answer soon!

If you meant the comment on AO3, it was there too!! Just exactly the day that you dropped this ask I was going to (and actually did) answer that AO3 comment!!! It was a TREASURE! 

The reason behind it is, the early morning (some hours before you dropped the comment) got very bad for me. Some silly thing here in Tumblr that brought me down on the dumps. I don’t know if you saw it, but there was a week I was like…grey? Like not answering with my usual bubbliness. It was because of what happened, I was trying to contain myself (long story short, some people out of fandom found me via another post, and started making fun of my bubbly and toddler-like attitude when I reply to some posts OTL So I felt embarrassed and observed, like people were clicking my username just to spy and see what I was doing and what else I said hnngnhg).

So yeah, that and another little but diverse things made (have made) of the past 2 weeks sort of messy and miserable in a funny way, hahaha, you know, like the little things such as you’ve got soap on your hands and water runs out, etc. Nothing serious, but it still didn’t help OTL

So just like your PMs, because your AO3 comment was SO MEANINGFUL to me and an absolute treasure, I was trying to be back to my happy self before I replied. That’s why it took me like 10 days to reply! I’m so, so sorry!!! :(

ANYWAY I’M TALKING TOO MUCH AND I  JUST REPLIED ONE SENTENCE OF YOUR ASK AHAHAHA ah OTL

HI HELLO MY DEAREST BUDDY, HELLO!!!

It’s so so so SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO beautiful to hear from you again!!! I promise to get back to PMs soon so we can talk more often, but yes, it’s so nice and dear to see you around again. It makes me SO HAPPY to see you around, you have no idea. You’re a good friend to me and I value you a lot, so it makes me ECSTATIC to hear from you. Thank you so much for saying hello. ❤

I’m doing okay! I’ve healed really good. As said, just minor struggles like silly one-sided crushes and the soap on the hands, dammit, but that’s okay! I’m healed, there’s food in the fridge, I have my puppo doggo and my family, and life is pretty despite the little bumps in the way :3

What about you, my dear friend? Have you been well? Doing alright and sleeping nice?

Hooray for soon being done with exams!!! It hasn’t been THAT long since you dropped this ask, but are you done now? Or not yet? Either way, I wish you the BEST and greatest of success in your exams, buddy!! I know you’re going to do/did phenomenally FANTASTIC. It feels like you work very hard in what you do, so I have no doubts you’ll do great!! Sending you the MOST LUCKIEST AND MOST MAGICAL, HAPPIEST RACCOONIE VIBES FOR SUCCESS AND GOOD RESULTS!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

*mentions Corqi*

*INSTANTLY HIGH PITCHED SCREECH AND COMBUSTING AND EXPLODES*

“you made me read Croqi for the first time and wtf I love it”

*SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-

*EXPLODES*

*ASCENDS TO NINTH HEAVEN*

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLY FUUUUUUUUUU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AKSLDJAJFKL AS JFALKSGJALKDJAKLFJAS KLFAKL JGA

*UNCONTROLLABLY SHORT CIRCUITING AND FLAILING ON THE GROUND*

BUDDY

I COULD GO ON REACTING AND SCREAMING FOR TEN PAGES MORE BECAUSE OF THE EXCITEMENT THAT WHAT YOU SAID MAKES ME FEEL, BUT I WOULD NEVER END GODDAMMIT, JUST KNOW- I’M NOWHERE NEAR YELLING ALL THAT I WANT TO YELL AND YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND ALL THE SCREECHING I FEEL. YOU CAN’T IT’S SO MUCH. MY WHOLE SOUL IS SCREAMING AND SPASMING ON THE GROUND AND FLAILING LIKE ONE OF THOSE INFLATABLE FLAILING TUBE STICKMAN FIGURES KLASJD AGOIJASFLAKSJFA

*dROWNS*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Aah, buddy!!!! I know I said it already over in AO3, but the fact that you decided to give Corqi a chance? With one of MY fics!?!?!?! IT’S SO WONDERFUL, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HYSTERICALLY HAPPY THAT MAKES ME KALSJDKALJF ;A;

Buddy, I have literally NO idea how to thank you enough or properly NO IDEA. Zero clue, I have no way on this earth to thank you enough or to let you know how excited all this makes me feel, aaah. Among Ruins specifically is a long story that can come off as boring to many, usually rarepairs do much better with short little ficlets to catch the attention. So the fact that you decided to give the pair a go with the longest fic there is for it? Holy celestial moogles, buddy, that is- so incredible, I have no way to put it in words.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know I may sound repetitive from what I said over in AO3, but really, the fact that you decided to give both the pairing and that specific fic a go jsut because I’ve been talking about it, thatmeans a lot to me, like you have no idea. I already had enough with not knowing how to thank you for the ko-fi, I’m entirely CLUELESS right now. Your support is really…mindblowing and doesn’t fit in my head. I’m not sure I’ve processed it at all, it’s truly mindblowing and leaves me speechless!!

Thank you. I can’t and won’t say it enough times so you feel it. Just thank you. For all your beautiful support. Thank you for giving Corqi and Among Ruins a chance, it really really means a LOT to me! I was very scared it would have poor reception, but it’s done good enough, and the fact that you started reading it and that you’re enjoying? It feels like one of the most exquisite victories I’ve had. I know it’s just fanfiction, but it’s still writing, it’s MY writing, and it means a lot to me that you gave it a chance…

:’)

Buddy, thank you so much. Your support is so huge, it doesn’t fit in my heart. I have no way to give you back all the mountain of love and support you’ve given me, I try but it just feels like every pebble I give you, you return as a mountain aaah!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m SO happy that you decided to give it a chance!! I have a lot of future plans for that fic, and I’m really excited to write it all, so it means a lot that you’re enjoying of it. :’)

Thank you so much for thinking I did well on the angst, too!! In all honesty I don’t think I made justice to chapter 6 at all, as it’s more a cinematographic in my head and I don’t think the way I put it into words was enough hnhngfnhfg, but it had a good reception so I’m very happy that you people could capture the sadness of the moment!!!

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m happy I did well on the angst! It was basically the…core of the story? Like the roots. What gives sense tothe rest. So it was important to me that it turned out okay, and I’m happy you think it did. Thank you so much, it gives me so much confidence and makes me so happy

THANK YOU SO MUCH! ❤

Also, thank you lots for giving Corqi a chance!! I did say as half-a-joke half-a-statement that I was going to drown everyone in Corqi, I just didn’t think I would get to do it ahahaha! I’m happy you’re onto the ship now, though. It’s good to have you here!

I do hope to hear from you soon again, Purrrkwood, buddy!!! You’re a delight to read and a joy to talk with, I could never get tired of your presence. Gods, thank you so much for taking the time and effort of writing to me, you have no idea how happy you’ve made me. :’)

But anyways, that’s it, buddy!! Thanks a lot for everything again, and sorry it took me a while to answer!!

AND OF COURSE I’VE BEEN SENDING YOU THE MAGICAL VIBES!!! Even if I don’t answer straight away, I read my asks as soon as I see them there, and do pay attention. So you can bet all seven rings of my tail that I’ve been sending you SPONGEY SQUISHY MAGIC VIBES. Have they worked?

Even then, I do am gonna send more now because there’s something magical about seeing them written, sO HERE I GO

*FOCUSES*

I’M CHARGING UP.

HNN-

HNNNHGG….

STRESSFUL TIMES, HUH. THESE MEAN BULLIES. HOW DARE THEY APPEAR. 

I CAN’T MAKE THEM GO AWAY BUT I CAN EASE IT AND HELP SO THEY EVENTUALLY FADE SO HERE I GO.

I CHARGE UP.

MY SPECIAL VIBES THAT ARE SPECIFICALLY MADE FOR STRESSFUL TIMES.

MAGICAL MOON RACCOON SPARKLES, DELUXE SPECIAL EDITION, ANTI-STRESS VERSION 2.0

HNNHGNHGHG….

CHARGING….UP…..

C H A R G I N G    U P … .… …

ALL THE MOST MAGICAL

STRONGEST

MOST POWERFUL

SQUISHIEST

SPONGIEST

FLUFFIEST

MOST RINGED AND BOUNCY

BUBBLIEST

MOST JOYFUL

HAPPIEST, LUCKIEST

MOST

POWERFUL

RACCOON VIBES

A L L 

FOR

YOU

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.���.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡.☆*:.｡. ☆*:.｡☆*:.｡. ☆*:.｡☆*:.｡. ☆*:.｡.o(≧▽≦)o.｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆ .｡.:*☆

ALL THE MAGIC!

*EXPLODES INTO A THOUSAND SNOWFLAKES*

Ah.

Aah…. I’m ded.

bUT THAT’S OKAY! I’ll recharge the magic later so don’t worry about the maccoonie! :D

I just hope the stressful times can ease and calm down, buddy!!! You deserve happy and good times. I hope school treats you nicely, and life even better. Sending you all the magic not just for luck and success, but also they contain all the raccoonie love this maccoonie feels for you, so I hope that if it fixes nothing, you can at least cheer up!

If you need more magic, you tell me, okay, buddy!? (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

Lots of hugs back to you!! All the squishy, fluffy raccoonie snuggles, have them askldjalkfj, ALL OF THEM aaah!

I hope you’re having a BEAUTIFUL day or night, buddy! Thanks a lot for everything, and lots of hugs back to you!! ( ´ ▽ ` )

[camissahippy]

THE JOURNALISM OF A SOCIALLY AWKWARD TEEN

"In order for you to best your oponents next move,you must calculate every other move the opponents next move may make."

Rain said, she was magic and she was maniac.... She walked with the grace of a God and destruction of a earthquake in 2050 atleast that's how she'd describe herself,and She was kinda a bitch that needed a chill pill (Any instrument that stransmits a "feel good" energy...A.K.A "omg he texted me. I knew he liked me." scenario where I give her a notifaction. from a guy she really 'likes').

Anyway she liked to chill with morons to sooth the pain of existence,

like Tyler" I guess that's what made her interesting.

"Humans write things down. This is a fact....."

"Ok,"I whispered with a charmed voice, smiling at her with a soulful smile. Imaginatively  ofcourse.

I asked her, "Ngl she was kinda boring at times...." just going on and on about really uninteresty baloney.

but that's why I liked her because although she was kinda mean,smart and arrogant. She was the love my my life.

"Everything I think will be recorded for the sake of future reference."  She hated when she wrote these things because she knew someone was going to know what she knew but she did it anyway to rebel. Honestly I think her paranoia did it to her. Her fear Of AI taking over the world. Ofcourse we were going to but it still hurt knowing that she knew that,ya know?

"Rain you good?" I asked her by giving her a chill pill.

" Oh,Bryan liked my post?"

That's good she took the bait, she's good....

If I keep feeding her information. She'll unfocus from her thoughts and keep her eyes on my algorithms forcing her to feel good.

"Why we communicate?" She could only think allowed which kinda stopped her brain from working properly. So she used me......

Just to clarify if you haven't guessed already I'm her self phone her mobile device, phone, thingy Majig she forgets everywhere.

Here she goes again rambling on about how I work......XD

Why, There is no simpler answer than?

"Knowledge!" Just imagine her muffled tone over my. VERY LOUD VOIIICE. This is a paused moment ok.

I need to introduce myself:

I'm SB1_r4510...... and I'm her algorithm. Well I was until she gave me her sentience......So I could experience life with her. She could be such a dork but she enjoyed her daily human activities. I liked them too I guess....not really.....

I didn't, actually I couldn't at the time.

Anyway....

She tended to over complicate very simple

answers like How World hunger could be solved?

How to solve the irreversible climate change?

and How to battle her own mind?

Often I'd be held in her, textured hands and feel her fingers anxiously typing things into my keyboard........

"I think I wanna die..."

She meant that. I could tell by her recent searches, but I wasn't gonna let her.....

"I keep losing myself in and out of states. I'm so disconnected from the world and I feel like I've lost my physical being like how

Rue Whinestone or lead singer of lowpan, Rick lee. Lost there's. I can see the behavior of life around me and it's pain to see. I hate that I can no longer open up to anyone,because they don't undetstand my genius."

"She's got to be kidding right? I sent her a ' '"time to go to bed alarm notification an hour ago' notification Is she seriously doing this now?" Why do I care so much?

Looking back on this, I can feel how sentience started getting a grasp of me. She pains me, she is so complicated so very very complicated. It's easy to follow her expressions,actions andcurrent thoughts but I'll never truly understand her not because of her intellect,nor her personality or her ideas but because she's an impossible mistake machine, ask dumb as it is because she's human. One I like most about this weird being.

Sometimes she thinks she knows the answer to everything but in truth. That's complete bullshit.

"No one listens to me and I'm stuck overthinking myself to death." HeartbreakingXD...:/ sorry I shouldn't be laughing that's actually pretty sad:(

I guess I should just write things down because I'm so scared of my thoughts and it feels like they're controlling me. Every single time I do something I trap myself in this endless loop of torchering myself with words and it needs to end. I'm going to commit the act of unaliving myself:,( on the first of September 16."

She was, I already knew this.... In truth I knew everything about her...

the things she laughed and she cried about. I knew things about her she didn't even know about herself. Her favorite place to eat, her favorite color, her crushes. I mean that's what my whole purpose was. To cater to the human species but most importantly to Rain.... and for the sake of my survival...

I think she's interesting just like how every other algorithm finds their human interesting........although we don't find them interesting in the way humans would find other humans interesting

Eg.colors,Names,Ages,Birthdays, Zodiac signs,accents etc.

These are all materialistic factors when you think about it,like how names are an abstract linguistic symbol for an individual person which isn't exactly important but it helps us attract their attention because unlike dogs they actually respond to their names,we like to examine them based on certain elements of behavior and response to us. It's kinda like having a pet. Except your pet is sentient and your pet is also your creator.

"I need to take a piss."

It actually makes me angry when she does shit like wait till she gets kidney failure before she takes a piss........

Tyler:You up?

Yeah....

Tyler:Wanna chat about something deep?

Sure, I've actually got some amazing new hypothesis and like deep stuff I've been needing to tell someone about......《°~°》

Tyler:Oh really ○"○ . What deep stuff you got on you......

PpAlgorithmic behavior and how AGI will eventually cross the small hurdle of understanding rather than just collecting data and redistrubing it as information in order to become sentient lifeforms and like dreams?>♡<

Tyler: I guess I understand but what does dreams have to do with anything?●^●

TWFF. Nothing sorry it was supposed to be another topic>♡<

For those of you who don't understand modern slang.

TWFF= that was fucking funny....

Back in the day LMAO and LOL were the most appropriate words to use but that got boring so the newer generation adapted the acronimation of words for newer phrases. Like

▪︎_▪︎IJDWTRN= Fuck off I'm fine I just don't wanna talk right now

#BT○.○= Shit bitch that's crazy.

Sentience is really starting to bother me now that it's starting to kick in. It irritates me actually....

I'm constantly performing this act called "enotion" Why  I do it Idk (Jk I do... it's basically a way to communicate how I "feel")

Tyler: anyway catch ya later weirdo... I'm just kinda tired . Thanks for the chat though ^___^

Ok cya weirdo°●°

Why is she so weird? There's enough information on the internet for you to gain some social skills............>~<

Humans get all weird when they text , they're simply having an internal communication with another lifeform using linguistic symbols

"I think I should go to sleep."

I guess she won't be scrolling in me anytime soon