#i'm scared of losing things
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parfait pals
#GAH my hands are tied with so much work right now so all I have is scribbles and doodles#so I'm gonna be posting sketches!!! either until I am free once more or forever and ditch the idea that I can only post polished pieces#what do u mean I'm a perfectionist ahah HAH#but I'm literally going to explode if I don't just#throw something out of my system#like this random thing#especially with the next arc that's coming up I am losing my marbles for tomorrow's episode already#if you're scared about how you're gonna survive mp100 in december you're not alone I am fearing for my sanity#jk but also (screams internally)#mp100#mob psycho 100#reigen#mob#elgatoiberico
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#none of the ''don't fear aging'' posts i come across ever seen to hit what actually scares me about it#i'm scared of losing things#of losing people i care about#and i am acutely aware of the fact that with each passing day it comes closer and closer to the possible death of loved ones#i almost lost the person i care most about more than a month ago and i am still messed up over it#death is terrifying#and i'm also scared of losing my ability to do things#one day i will not be able to do the things i love to do#we visited one of my great grandparents in her nursing home a couple weeks ago#and she's lost the ability to remember most things#and the whole experience was so terribly anxiety inducing#and i want to beg people not to let me get to that point ever#don't let me go through that#i don't want to live a long life#because i don't want what comes with it#i so often wish i could freeze the state of the world as it is#no more dying no more aging just everyone as they are now forever#i see and hear about famous people or other people's family dying every day#and it's just another reminder that someone i care about could be next#and i fear it might really truly break me when it does
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I was sketching when my graphic tablet died on me...
#also I really need to kill my laptop it won't last much longer I fear#It's probably full of malware by now....#but It's win7 I'll lose my free 10 upgrade😱#I'm so scared it's useless after that#i can't even make a backup#last time i did this csp lost a lot of the brushes bcs they were taken down already#AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH#what to do#doggos surgeries took all the savings I had for new tech 🥲#sorry I'm a little nervous about this#I'm not gonna buy 10 when they take it down next year#maybe just keep using that thing and hope for the best.#ranting#willing to open my gt and try to fixit myself
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i also like to think that as children javier and og lloyd got locked in a toxic cycle where javier felt like he had to. make up. for og lloyd's bad behavior. like a part of him recognized that his presence in the household was causing og lloyd to act up even worse than he already did normally and he tried to make up for the trouble he 'caused' by being as good of a kid as he could. and this in turn made og lloyd hate him even more because he saw it as an attempt to make him look like a worse son by comparison and that made him act up even more. and then the cycle repeats.
#i talk a lot <3#tged#javier asrahan#og lloyd frontera#also. at the beginning javier's perfect behavior was definitely also him trying desperately to make him staying with the fronteras worth it#to arcos and marbella. like. he's painfully aware of how tenuous their relationship truly is and he's terrified he'll lose his second home#because him being there is causing more troubles than he's worth#so he thinks that maybe just maybe if he's a good enough kid if he makes them happy enough that will make it worth keeping him around#of fucking course sending him away was never even an option to arcos and marbella but he's a kid and he lost his parents#and he was left to fend off for himself for a good amount of time so he's just. scared. he won't be good enough to keep.#if he's anything less than perfect.#he would eventually grow out of that but the impulse to be a good kid so he can make the fronteras happy never really goes away#it just shifts to him feeling guilty he caused them more trouble with og lloyd and feeling like he has to make up for it#THIS IS NOT CANON I'M JUST MAKING THINGS UP DO NOT FUCKING @ ME#og lloyd was truly terrible tho that one is actually canon lol
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I'm watching Berserk and I may or may not have hyped myself up to turn my vampire ocs into dark fantasy characters. mmaybe
#sketch tag#so uh. pepper is kind of a guts basically jdjgkckkc#they're both in an army and they butt heads a lot bc pepper is big and stronk but very impulsive and reckless#but there's no griffith situation or anything like that it's just that vince worries abt her#and he's way more restrained as a fighter and a strategist. maybe a commander or second in command#and just like in vtm he's very paranoid and afraid of change. so he worries abt her and is also unhappy in the army but too scared to leave#so he broods a lot and mopes around and gets on her ass abt her recklessness#and just like in vtm pepper is impulsive and has a lot of pent up frustration and she uses the battlefield to release all of it#sometimes overexerting herself and nearly getting herself killed#she also wants to leave bc she's not sure she believes in what they're fighting for anymore. but then she loses her coping mechanism#things change when they have an argument where he reveals he cares abt her sjfjjfkf YES very cliche I am thriving#and she's dismissive at first but after being alone for a bit his words start sinking in#and when they're on a battlefield again there's a moment where they have to retreat and she's about to absolutely not listen to that#but then she has a change of heart bc she remembers what he said + she cares abt him too so she doesn't want him to be hurt by her actions#neither by him getting worried nor trying to come to her aid and putting his life at risk#so she retreats#and he's very happy abt that he thanks her later for what she did#and then she's like yeah sure I guess I didn't die but also guess what. I'm bored#everything she wanted to release back there she just didn't. so she's still frustrated and especially bc she had to admit defeat#and she's an extremely proud person. she's irritated#and he's like aight. I'm gonna fight you then#and she's like what. and he's like yeah#so he picks up a sword and throws another one to her and there's a *sexual tension play-fight* hell yeah babey#I'm having sm fun w this au can you tell jejfjckckkc#eventually they do desert the army they're in bc things get worse and pepper decides she no longer wants to be a part of it#and in a fight or flight moment she pushes vincent to make a decision and he leaves with her#and like the story is only getting started there bc then there'll be some big misteries in the story they're gonna uncover#which. I haven't figured out what they are yet#but either way akhhdskfha I'm having a lot of fun w this#sleep.txt
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help me i've gotten so deep into the steddie rabbit hole i haven't gotten this stuck on something since destiel
this really isn't good for my health
THESE ARE THE FICS THAT I SUBSCRIBED TO / LIKED READING (I'VE BASICALLY READ 1/5 WORTH OF STEDDIE FICS COMPARED TO DESTIEL FICS - I GOT INTO DESTIEL 4 YRS AGO, I ONLY STARTED READING STEDDIE FICS SOME TIME LAST MONTH WTF)
tbf, i have taken breaks from destiel to read other fandoms/fics so, ig the timing works out? if you think about it?
#steddie#destiel#fics#ao3#also if anyone comes across this post i can rec you some of my absolute favs#these stats for my fics don't even include the ones i finished but didn't enjoy all that much#or the ones i abandoned halfway through even though it was like 100k words#i really dont care if i've spent hours reading it#i literally just leave if i get slightly annoyed by the writing#i'm not kidding#it's a problem#but also not really?#i'm just complaining for the sake of it#also i never got into stranger things fics for some reason even though i watched all of the show#idk why#i think it's bc i watched the show w/ my dad? so i felt weird to read fics about it?#like i considered it a family show for some reason#and for some reason reading fics for that was off limits??#idk#i also i'm getting scared that i won't ever be interested in my other fandoms again bc of how much i am invested in steddie stuff#this was exactly like destiel though#i just gotta get it out of my system#i have no idea why i'm so scared of losing interest in my other fandoms#also if anyone is wondering where these stats are coming from i made a spreadsheet of all the works i like#it's basically a replica of my subscriptions list because when i started ao3 i acted like the subscribe button functioned like bookmarks an#now i cant go back#so instead of transferring everything i just took the time to make a spreadsheet and basically code the functions myself#which arguably took more time to do than if i transferred everything#i would share the list but i'm sort of embarrassed of the stuff that's on there#if anyone is curious i have 676 fics stored on it
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91w deancas is so delusional cause they been making heart eyes at each other since day fucking one, calling the other sweatheart, thinking of kissing the other innocently just for the sake of the other being kissed, because they deserve that softness in the midst of all the chaos around them and the minute they actually get to it (motherfucking 200 pages in mind you) they try so hard to revert it back into something purely phisical with no emotions involved AND THEY KNOW THAT IT'S MORE BUT IF THEY BOTTLE IT UP AND IGNORE IT THEN ALL THE REVERENCE OF MOST OF THEIR LOOKS AND TOUCHES WILL JUST DISAPPEAR which is the epitome of the dilusional repressed gay way of doing anything
#shut up i'm feeling things again#like mind you i'm talking about shit up til chapter8#THIS HAS BEEN ROMANTIC THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME THEY'RE JUST SO SCARED TO FEEL ANYTHING#like cas the repressed gay boyTM losing all self control for the first time cause of dean#and dean “just had a queer awakening caused by my CO and i'm too new to having gay thoughts to be ashamed” winchester ???#it's a mess yall and i'm torn between being mad as hell and supporting each sorta shitty decision either of them makes#i wanna say mostly cas#but like as estabilished before#religous trauma blah blah repressed gay shit blah blah#you know how it is#i think i lost the train of thought somewhere along the way#ANYWAYSSS#i'm gonna be talking about 91w again constantly cause i'm plauged by thoughts#91w#destiel
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I am more n more convinced that I can't actually draw and all good that happens is just luck, accidental and random stuff that my hand does that i just notice n keep and i am not smart nor i know what I'm doing. And lately I can't get even that because anxiety makes me too careful n I don't make such good bold lines anymore. I'm poop i'm fucking poop
#i feel lucky everyday that i can make things that make me n others happier#but then i'm scared of losing it n disappointing
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Rereading the beginning of the Eunyung's Home arc right now and yeah...when Eunyung's mom tells him "why don't you just apologize? Why do you bring up the school play event again after so many years?" it really connects with what Eunyung says to Haejoon in ch201, huh. That it would be so nice if he was nice like Haejoon and could accept everything and not be so hung up on things like that. Maybe if he was like Haejoon his relationship with his mother could be better?(I don't think so. but Eunyung maybe does).
But in parallel we also see how this aspect of Eunyung, being hung up on things and staying angry can also be helpful. It's because Eunyung is like that that he doesn't let Haejoon apologize to his mom when he shouldn't have to. It's because he is like that that he makes Haejoon have a medical diagnosis after his homeroom teacher hit him. It's because he is like that the bullying situation in the Marie arc could be resolved as well. As Haejoon says, it's also thanks to Eunyung that he could sort out things with his uncle and receive more allowance. This side of Eunyung that every adults around him try to make him suppress is good and healthy. It's this anger that causes change. It makes things harder for him and it causes more ruckus, sure, but Haejoon's acceptance in these moments is hurtful as well, it doesn't resolve the issue at hand, it just makes him carry all the burden. Haejoon grew up wanting to cause the less problems and worries possible to his mom (and now his uncle) and avoids confrontations with adults as a result (also a direct consequence of when he lost his mother probably), while Eunyung grew up fantasizing about his parents receiving punishments for all their abuse. The consequences were so bad to him when he tried it's the one thing he gave up on though, so it's no surprise he lashes out whenever else he can.
When you think about it it's also connected to their level of trust in adults. Haejoon relatively trusts adults. If you take the New Dorm arc, Haejoon was planning to tell other adults about the situation there, before Eunyung told him not to (pretty violently lol) because he can't trust adults to deal with it or believe them. So Eunyung uses his own way to deal with it and it works! But Haejoon trusts adults to deal with other adults and yeah. That's how it should be and go. But Eunyung presents the "but" of this. That's how it should be, but in some cases it doesn't work because adults are douchebags, and for Eunyung it's the majority of them. Haejoon grew up with a good(even if not perfect) mom getting angry for him so he knows good adults exist. He also was moved by Juwan's mom's kindness as well(even if that makes him embarassed too). Eunyung doesn't, though, so he has to rely on himself and get angry for himself, because otherwise who will?
Writing all this I'm like....yeah No Home is all about balance. Haejoon and Eunyung searching for the right amount of distance and closeness in their relationship. Searching for the balance in their distrust of adults too. Eunyung can't trust adults for very understandable reasons, but the arc with Haejoon's uncle shows us that adults are simply struggling sometimes and trying their best, even if they're clumsy. It's true Haejoon's uncle was drinking, but he's not an irredeemable piece of shit like his father either. But it was a situation where Haejoon couldn't rely on any adults either, after all his uncle is basically his only family left. And that's why Eunyung's point of view was so helpful.
Idk man I just love the hundreds of layers in this manhwa so much. Like it's not just "the best is not to be extreme <3 not too much not too little" it's "sometimes you have no choice but to be too much. Sometimes it's destructive, though. But sometimes it's the only solution. And /sometimes/ you need a bit of the two. Sometimes both solutions work equally well. Sometimes the consequences are bad and sometimes everything ends well" like yeah life really be complicated and unpredictable like that. There isn't one guide to follow and that will work no matter what, you constantly have to adapt to the situations and people around you. Something something Eunyung and his father but if I don't end this post now I never will.
#no home manhwa#txt#ch201 gave me severe no home brainrot im afraid#please read no home if you havent!! i say this every day i know but it's really .so good#i can't put it into words#but it changes your brain chemistry#Wanan the god of storytelling fr#I swear I didn't plan to write so much but I kept having new ideas and new things to say...#So scared to post this in the wild. Afraid to be cringe#But I'm free!!!#This is my default mode btw. I fight constantly the urge to talk non stop like that 7/7 and sometimes i lose.#no home#lumen rants
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Saw a tweet post from the official OP account where it's a pic of Koby among Cobra and Sabo (basically everyone who's involved in the arc outside of Egghead in the anime atm) and the main caption was "A major event that will shake the world." - and it's not something we haven't heard of already but it really hits home that while the Strawhats are on an adventure (like for now, Elbaf), things are actively moving in the background, islands going into riots and Celestial Dragons slowly losing their resources, the world as we know it has shifted into a state of impending turmoil that it's culminating into this overall sense of dread.
#The anime's going into that stage of grand set-ups and immmmm scared to watch lol#I just know I'm going to be overwhelmed by emotions like. Koby's moment is in the next ep (they've made a pv on him and everything im soooo#aaaaAAA) and I just know I'm gonna lose my damn marbles#Inherited will and undying dreams. Who gets to carry on your story when you're nothing but bones?#It's a theme that spans across pirates marines revolutionaries- Hell even common civilians. What a wonderful thing#I'm a sucker for themes and cool shit I just can't wait to catch up but my god am I scared LMAO im gonna love it#one piece#one piece anime#opspoilers#i guess
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me when bl fans stop trying to find "the good one" to root for and learn to look at characters as multifaceted beings with their own motivations and personalities
#playboyy#playboyy the series#dead friend forever#dff the series#idk these are airing currently and i'm having many thoughts#jbls especially have so many morally grey characters that i LOVE but fandom has decided are irredeemable#segasaki uncle jim way vegas kijima boston jiwoo etc#and the worst offender of all!#jaewon breaking up w jihyun bc he was scared of losing him! some ppl were acting like he personally killed their dog#don't even get me started on how gmmtv moralizes it's own shows to pander to the public & sponsors </3#i'm sorry i'm in a hater mood#mine#thai bl#japanese bl#but i guess that's too much to ask for when half of these people can't even watch playboyy wo making fun of it#like i get it you don't like it. do you have to mock the actors' english or the sex scenes when both of these things are just stylization#to let the viewer understand the characters better
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Oh hey! My hubris! Turns out these OCs are gonna be hecking HARD to write getting together!
#what happens if you take one guy who's kind and unassuming and doesn't want to hurt people or cause problems#and doesn't want to lose the people he has after losing everything#and then take a girl who is fierce and guarded and socially awkward (i love her. she is representation for me specifically)#and is fumbling her way through these things and is desperately scared of hurting aforementioned guy again#and make them FALL IN LOVE WHEN ONE OF THEM IS ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED#answer? I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S WEIRD AND DRIVING ME NUTS#i love them#(let it be known there will be no cheating arc#i like to think y'all wouldn't think i'd do such a thing but i wanted to affirm that knowledge#it's a whole thing and it's one of those things i'm worried will be misinterpreted but that's a bridge i'll blow up in the future)#ANYWAY HAVE THIS POST LIKE 11 HOURS LATER PEACE OUT#brelise#land of the tales
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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Adjacent topic, but. One of my favorite things actually is when Alfonse pulls the player aside and is like "Let me think out loud real quick." and when the situation calls for it, "Also what do you think?" Like obviously this happens so much across any game ever, especially ones that have a designated partner character. But it feels so special to me...
Especially with Alfonse, especially when he calls the summoner by name. He didn't used to do that!! In the very beginning!!! And he slips up, as Lif. Trying So hard to take it back. It just feels so personal... 🥲🥺
#i have no greater point here i just like it a lot.#like to me i feel like he has that deep unique bond that the pmd2 partner has w the player#again could just be. two games w a designated partner character. but to me personally how i feel.#like i feel like it's comparable actually esp the way your partner pokemon will pull you aside too#making a point to include you. and also will just talk at you extensively LMFAOO but it's okay 😊💖#but also it just feels SO special and so personal and so rewarding from alfonse in particular.#like this guy did Not want that. he was so scared of that. he's also just one big loss away from feeling like he's lost it all.#one thing about me is that i don't agree. w how he feels about losing friends. i think it's okay. i think it's for the best.#i'm not lonely and sometimes it's a relief. knowing i'll never have to see that person again.#even when there's no hard feelings. even when i geniunely liked that person and they liked me well enough.#i just tell myself it's for the best. they'll move on without me. i'll cherish the memory. i hope they forget me.#but even as i say that it's like. i don't know how true it holds. but i do know it's fine to leave actually.#and i do know i'm not lonely. i've made peace w it a long time ago. i'm content by myself. i keep myself occupied.#meanwhile. i am always obsessing over what alfonse says and what he feels and i feel a DEEP. DEEP SEATED NEED.#to pelt him w rocks. FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤#this is why moe exists. the vessel. to pelt him w rocks.#fe alfonse
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Have you gotten off of Twitter yet? I heard about their new mandatory AI training rule and I figured I’d recommend scooping everything up from there and putting it somewhere else
i'm 30 years old
#anonymous puzzler answers#gavternoon#which is to say: i more or less stopped crossposting art there a long time ago anyway (during the Last Big AI Scraping Scare IIRC)#i don't got much to lose by continuing to use it how i do (checking on folks who won't/can't bounce + posting occasional incoherent thought#i'm a grown ass woman. i know about things and can make informed decisions accordingly LMAO#waffling on making a bluesky. i barely have time+energy for tumblr and twitter learning a new space sounds agonizing even just Twitter 2
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every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space
i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !
#i inserted [disabled person] because they used a fucking slur instead and i didn't want that in my post#like i feel like there should be room for disabled people like me whose lives literally entirely depend on accessing said >#> extremely limited benefits in conversations about whether voting in this election makes you complicit in genocide#which like! i do understand. i do. it's nauseating to think about what this shit ass country is doing. it's horrific. i do not blame anyone#> for not wanting to be a part of that. *and* i am also terrified for my own life because i remember the first time trump won it suddenly >#> became IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to get on benefits. EVER. and so many disabled ppl i know went to renew benefits theyd had for decades >#> just to be denied. one of whom was a below-the-neck paraplegic. he died because he lost those benefits!!! because trump won#i really do understand why people dont feel right voting for harris. or why they don't vote at all. i truly do. but holy shit i am so scare#and yes! i am aware that people in palestine and gaza are suffering so much worse. and i wish i could change that#but every single person in power in the US is pro-israel and eagerly drinking the anti-palestine kool-aid. no matter who wins >#> things will not change in that part of the world. and it is infuriating. when the revolution comes this will change. but it hasnt.#the revolution will not save me as a physically disabled person. it will not save any of us. we do not matter to leftists. i am sorry but >#> this is the one thing i have learned after being in leftist spaces for over 10 years. and posts like the one i mentioned prove it#so i am very sorry. i really am. for being physically disabled. but i cannot survive another 4 years relying on my parents for everything#if trump wins i will be killing myself. this is a promise. i cannot do that again#i know it makes me a bad person to be afraid that harris will lose. but people on the left already think i'm a bad person for being disable#i want the genocide to stop. i absolutely do. i also want to survive. i am terrified that the US leftists will sacrifice disabled people#like me so they can feel good about being put in a real life trolley situation#again. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. i wish i was a better person. i wish i was able to give more. i know that if i was just a good#person i would be able to have a job and give to every palestinian gofundme on my dash. i would be able to do more than my daily clicks >#> and reaching out and calling representatives that don't care. if i was a good person i would be able to convince my parents that z*onism>#is deeply fucking racist. and that israel is wildly racist and killing palestinians for fun. if i was a good person i would be able to make#>them leftists too. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry im not good enough. im sorry that im scared. im so scared and it's not right for me to be#when so much worse is going on because of this countrys bloodlust. im sorry that im benefiting from being born here i dont want to be#im sorry for not having any other options. if i was a good person i know i would have them. im sorry. god im sorry im so fucking sorry
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