#i'm really tired and insecure about being at uni can you tell

[witchwhaat]

they'll ask me one more time about my master's thesis and istg i'll just start crying or laughing manically

[masonmiamor]

one step at a time - - mason mount x reader.

summary: based on a request! you were never liked as much by his friends or family and that took a toll on you to where the doubts won the best of you. but what happens when a sudden trip maybe the cure of things?

feedback appreciated! send request if you have any! 💕

wc: 5.6k! one of my longest pieces yet!

tw: talks about being insecure, some mature language, can be toxic if you look carefully!

“Well that went-”

“Not good I know. I don’t know what happened tonight, really and genuinely thought it would’ve gone a different way” Mason sighed running a hand across his hair, finishing your sentence. He looked up and locked eyes with your face feeling the guilt as he saw your soft and glossy eyes, your hand rubbing up and down on your upper arm.

“I’m heading upstairs. I’m tired and I have to be up early for work tomorrow,” you said exhausted but he could hint at a bit of sadness laced in your tone. He knew you from the back of his hand, more than you knew of yourself. “I’ll be up in a sec. Going to check the security cameras and tidy up,” Mason said.

He sat on the kitchen stool slowly drinking the glass of water thinking of what went down tonight. You had enough and lashed out to one of his friends' girlfriends that began to disrespect you and your relationship.

You upstairs tried to be quiet at the sobs you let out in the shower. Wanting to wash away tonight's disaster. It wasn’t just some of his family but now you could tell his friends didn’t like you or even tolerate you either. The two of you went out to one of his friends' dinners in the city, but from the start, he could sense the unsureness when you began to decline the invite. “I’ll stay… I need to do some stuff.” But Mason being Mason begged and insisted you went, so you did.

Everyone’s faces dropped when the two of you showed up, you respectfully greeted everyone feeling the judgy looks that daggered at you. The entire dinner your cheeks were flushed red, playing with your rings and the loose string on your knitted sweater. To say the least, you were completely left out tonight, you tried to interject but were turned down anytime you spoke.

You noticed the side eye on one of Mason's closest friends when you ordered, even hearing the gold digger comment, “He will pay for her. She doesn’t have to worry about the price here… I mean that’s why she’s with him, no?” They didn’t know you so why were they so quick to judge repeatedly?

The secluded room allowed you to take a longer walk and reduce the anxiousness inside you. You looked at yourself in the mirror and began to feel insecure about yourself. Never ever have you doubted the way you looked until recently. These pants look silly, right? Is this the wrong shirt for this dinner? Did my hair look too frizzy?

When you walked back you took a step back when they were speaking of you. “Seriously Mason? Out of every female out there you choose the most basic one? You’re a footballer for god sake! She won’t give you the pleasure or company our Money Mase deserves…”

“She's not basic? Don’t speak of her like that when I'm right here. Have common and sense and realize that-”

“Oh quit it with the soft and soppy boyfriend! Where is our old Mason that didn’t care about anything? She’s changed you, Mason, you changed because of her. Just wait and see until she leaves you, she’s in it for the money…” you could hear the smirk on his voice. You sighed and decided to walk in.

“So y/n. Besides being Mason's clingy girlfriend what else do you do for a living?” said one of his friend's girlfriends. You made eye contact with a stunning woman, she was brunette, with a model body, and green eyes. She could sense the way you felt, as your hand made a fist at the word clingy.

“Clingy funny. You have jokes, congratulations. I’m finishing my major and minor at Uni, and I work at a firm. What about you? Besides being good at using your boyfriend's credit card, what did you do for a living?” your voice filled with venom, you weren’t going to let her start something.

“Excuse me?”

“Did I stutter? Or are you just deaf? You’ve been making remarks all evening about me and my relationship acting as if I weren’t here. You judge me when you don’t know me at all?” you leaned over and raised your voice slightly. She scoffs and smirks, “Damn, all of a sudden people like you can’t take a joke, for your information-”

“I don't see how it is funny or a ‘joke’ to insult someone? But please do enlighten me, “ you smiled at her but instead of her responding her boyfriend spoke up, the same one that had something to say before you sat at the table. “Oi shut up. You’re being rude now. Take the joke and suck it up.”

“Hey watch it!” said Mason extending his hand to make it known his tone wasn’t nice. “Y/n…” Mason whispered as he leaned over, trying to make you drop the subject. “Yeah listen to him. Let her know how much of a bitch she is being,” your head whipped so fast at the girl in front of you. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, your palms fully closed you could feel the sting of your fingernail as they dug into the palm of your hand.

You quickly grabbed your stuff and walked out of the dining room, holding back the tears of frustration. You just wanted out, rather be at home than this fancy place where it went downhill. You sent a text to Mason you’d wait for him in the lobby outside, not even 2 minutes later he appeared, his brown eyes connecting with yours. The drive was fairly silent, just soft music playing in the background.

You were just grateful to be home and with a nice shower. You carefully step out and picked up the floor and put it into the laundry hamper, you stared at your red cheeks and eyes, fully evident you were crying. Was this how you were supposed to feel? You knew this relationship would have its ups and downs? But to this extent? His friends and some family not even liking you?

You gave it so much time, acted like they wanted, and almost changed for them to glance the slightest smile at you but they simply made their mind up and they immediately knew you weren't the match for Mason. He reassured many times he would never change his opinion of you, and you believed him always. But now? You began to have doubts about how far this relationship would go.

You were prepared for the worst, and that hurt. You had gone so far with Mason, loving him unconditionally, being there for him like he was for you. But currently, you just didn't feel happy nor did you feel the same about yourself. He told you to never care about what other people say or think, but it’s not that easy for you since the constant pressure is there.

You quickly applied some oil and moisturizer to your face, coated your body with lotion, and changed into some loose shorts and a shirt. Your hair was dry as you had washed it the day before, so you quickly combed through it before walking out and turning the light off. You made the bed and layed comfortably while you waited for Mason to come upstairs. Once he did, he brushed his teeth and laid next to you.

You had turned off your lamp on the nightstand and closed your eyes when you felt his soft lips against your cheek. “I'm sorry…” you felt your heartache at his soft and genuine tone. You turned over and saw him staring right at you, you slowly brought your hand up to rub his cheek, “It's not your fault Mase. I'm sorry for causing a scene-”

“You were just defending yourself. Don’t apologize for speaking up. If I knew they would pull that shit I would've never gone and taken you as well. You didn't deserve it Y/n… I’m such an asshole for still sticking with them. I thought maybe if they gave more time it would change but it didn’t…” he sighed deeply, but your soft thumb that rubbed his cheek calmed his tensions.

“Thank you for defending me too. I heard him when I was coming back to the table,” he gave you a smile and brought the hand from his cheek to his lips, kissing delicately over your thumbs, and the bracelet he gave you. “We have to give more time…” he said, pulling you close to his chest, rubbing and drawing small shapes on. He kissed your head and slowly began to fall asleep while holding you.

How much more were you willing to wait? How much more time was it going to take? Would they ever get the chance to properly know or talk to you? How much more was it going to take from you to prove yourself? It's not even proving at this point.

~~~~~

The next couple of days were easier, there were times where it would get awkward but it dropped easily. You worked later so you wouldn't have to be at home much, wanting to distract yourself from the doubting thoughts. You sat in your office scrolling through emails and highlighted important dates in your calendar when you felt your phone vibrate on the wooden desk. You smiled and quickly answered Mason’s call. “Hi love, I'm sorry I'm kinda busy right now. Is there something you needed?”

“No beautiful. I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. And what time you’d get off so I could make dinner? How are we feeling about chicken tacos? A side of rice and guacamole?” he asked, “Sounds perfect! Do you need me to pass by and get the stuff?”

“No no no! I bought it all, we got released early today from training so I went ahead and did the shopping for the week,” you thanked him, and decided to take a break just to speak to him. He laughed and told you about his day, which included his training session, interview for the media, and some banter about a video game with Ben and Christian.

“Hey, babe?” You could practically frown on Mason’s face as he randomly spoke up, “Yeah?” is what you muttered, leaning up and looking at the phone getting concerned when he became quiet. “Uh, change of plans… My family is coming over with my cousins.”

“Oh…” your body slumped on the chair, rubbing your forehead trying to get rid of the disappointment that ran through your veins. “I think ill maybe sit this one out, Mason… I know you love your family very much so you spend time with them. I still have lots of work to do here and-”

“If this is still about the other night, they're different Y/n. I know you're still unsure but I want you there. You are my family too now…” Mason said, his voice begging you to come. It was deja vu all over again, and you weren't quite prepared for what would go down… You get along with his parents and siblings very well! But his aunts, uncles, and cousins were a different story.

“You will never be good to our Mase. He doesn't deserve you, you are just another on his list…” You remember that phrase very well. As his aunt forbid you from ever telling him, which you listened to just to satisfy her, it was only you and Jaz who knew as she told her aunt to step away. She apologized for her actions but defend you. To this day he still didn't know.

“Okay… I'm just going to my flat and get some clothes for the night and ill be on my way,” you sighed and gave in. Your nerves weren't helping ease the mood, you had to pretend again. Pretend. Such a small yet meaningful definition in your world now. How much longer were you going to pretend and act like everything was okay?

“Thank you Y/n. I love you, baby.”

“Me too…”

You pulled into Mason’s driveway which was filled with many cars. You recognized his parents and Jaz’s cars, feeling relieved. You locked your car door and went inside. Mason quickly approached you and hugged you tightly, your arms reaching up and hugging his shoulders.

“Thank you for coming. I missed you,” he leaned down and captured your lips with his. You walked into the kitchen with your hand around his back, smiling at his compliments that brought a blush to your face. You scanned the room and saw a couple of disgusted or unsatisfied faces but you said hello to everyone and stuck either with Mason or his mom.

You made mental notice to try and stay away from his aunt that lashed out at you last time, but it was hard as she glared at you every time. “That isn't how you do it! God, you're useless!” she yelled, making you step back embarrassed. “I don’t know how Mason puts up with you. You can barely do a simple task,” Mason looked over to you, seeing how you bit the inside of your cheek and cheeks redder than ever.

“What's going on?” he walked over to see. “Your girlfriend can’t even marinate the chicken right? How do you do it Mason?” she sent you a nasty look again. “You didn't even let me start, I was barely sorting and placing the spices into the chicken-” you tried to defend yourself but she quickly shut you up with a “Did I ask you to speak?”.

“Nella… Let the poor girl be. We saw it all. She was barely starting before you intervened,” this time it was for his mom to approach the furious lady. She looked around and huffed walking away like a small child. You quickly went back to what you were doing, with Jaz at your side, Summer too as she insisted to help you.

You let her drop the spoon of spice and liquids into the bowl and observed as her little chubby hands mixed the marinate all around. “Im guessing he still doesn’t know about the previous incident?” Jaz asked when the two of you sat down outside on the backyard patio. You shook your head and felt a wave of sadness, “No. I just don't want things to become bigger than before. Plus it's your family too, you know?”

“I understand but Y/n, I can see how tired and sad you get. It wasn't any of my business but Mason reached out to me after the incident from the dinner. I want to let you know I'm here no matter what. Don’t let her or his friends get the best of you,” she offered advice, you thanked her, holding her hand in appreciation. But it was too late… you were already letting it get the best of you.

Dinner went daily well, you only spoke when the conversation turned on you but you heard the snickers and side comments when you spoke. Mason grabbed your thigh and ran his hand up and down, trying to be there for you. You wanted to let out tears, the pressure and lump growing gradually over time, you felt left out and out of place. Was this how you were supposed to feel?

“So Y/n, will you join us on our spring trip in three weeks?” asked Mason’s father, you looked and gave him a sad smile, “Unfortunately I won't be able to go. My boss has asked me to attend a fundraiser ball with her and my colleagues and its important for the firm. I tried to ask off but she needs me there,” you responded politely. “I see! Next trip hopefully!” he said and gave you a nodding understanding of where you were coming from. “Does she have to go on every trip with us? I mean she barely makes time for Mason,” Nella opinionated.

Mason looked at her confused and asked her to elaborate, his hand interlocked with yours, trying to soothe your nerves. “Nevermind, it's not worth my time,” she shook off the topic and took a sip of her wine. “Why is it you always have something to say about me and my girlfriend? I'm curious.”

She looked up shocked, “It will be too late for you to understand, I just hope you realize she is not the one for you Mason.” You excused yourself from the table, wanting some fresh air as it became too much, and you felt trapped. The chair squeaked against the tile as you walked off. Mason followed behind you, wanting to comfort you.

“Enough Nella. We invited you respectfully but keep in mind this is his house, and you're overstepping. Y/n is a sweet and loving girl and a part of the family, and I won't tolerate the way you speak to her. You’re not his mom, agent, or anything, you're his aunt. Know where your loyalty lies. Have some shame for once,” defended Jaz.

You sniffled and tried to calm down the shakiness from your body. You washed your face with cold water attempting to calm down the redness, you sat on the tub bringing your hands to your face. It got the best of you and you were done. You didn't feel you, and it was hard as these new feelings were being released.

You heard footsteps approach the master bathroom, quickly noticing they were Masons. He knocked on the door and called out for you. “I'll be out in a sec!” you quickly tried to compose yourself but you felt drained and with no energy. You unlocked the door and stepped out to your bedroom. “I'm going back to my flat tonight…” is all you said, making Mason flutter his brows in confusion. “Why? Don’t go.”

You offered a small smile, “I just want to be alone tonight. Today was stressful enough,” you ignored his brown eyes that bore into you as you walked over to pick some of your clothes that were there and packed them into a small bag of yours. “Talk to me, tell me how you feel Y/n. I can’t know if you don't tell me,” Mason pulled you back and your lip quivered, you gulped and turned around as your vision became blurry.

“Ive tried Mason. Ive tried so hard to prove not just to your family but friends too that im a good girlfriend. You’ve told me to not care about what they think but I do care! And it's hard because now I'm having doubts about where our future relies on…” you confessed, he croaked a small “What?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I use to picture a happy future for us. Owning a house, having kids, a dog or two, taking vacations together, attending more of your games. But now that seems forbidden and long gone. I don't see that anymore, I see the constant hate, and people not liking me just because I won't be enough for you. And maybe I'm not. Maybe you need someone else at your side who isn't me,” you continued.

“Please. Don’t be dramatic. I love you Y/n! You’re the one for me. I don't care what they say because, at the end of the day, I know you. I know your likes and dislikes, the good and bad, I know what makes you smile and what causes you to be sad. The side of the bed you prefer, the way you take your coffee, don't give up on us now.”

“Mason. I’ve never felt about myself this way before. I'm not happy or content-”

“Not even with me? I don’t make you happy?”

“You do Mason. I just-” you try to explain yourself but Mason's face is visibly hurt and slightly angry. “You just what? Tell me, do you not love me anymore? Am I not enough for you?” Mason quickly turned it around and you weren't sure what to say. “I uh-no-Listen-” you stuttered but regained yourself, being careful with your next words. “I love you Mason, more than you will ever know but I can't love you when I don’t love myself. I want to put myself first-”

“Now you’re being selfish. After everything you want to give up on us? Just because of what some people say?” he spit out angrily, and he began to pace around the room. “Selfish? All ive done is be there for YOU since day one! When I want to put myself first to try and save this relationship, it's sudden selfish?” you began to raise your voice.

“You may not understand what it's like, or maybe you do. But I can't handle the constant pressure and having to pretend to be okay anytime we go out or when the closest people in your life don't even like me!” you cried out. “So where do we go from here? I want to be with you Mason I do-”

“We're done,” Mason said with no remorse or emotion. You stared wide-eyed at him, “Look who’s giving up now…If that is what you want then so be it. I’ll leave now.” It all happened so quickly and without proper thinking. He watched you pack most t-shirts and pants all in a single duffle bag, all while he sat there and began regretting his decision. He just felt angry and hurt that you had all these doubts, but it scared him more when you began saying you didn't picture a future together.

Mason loved you so much that he was willing to do whatever it took just to wake up next to you every day. Little bits of hope suddenly went away as you finished packing up, he looked when he heard the final zipper close. You turned and faced him with bloodshot eyes, he heard you the entire time crying and simply broken. It was silent for a minute but you walked off and slammed the door.

He went to the window and observed the way you sat in your car, your head resting on the sterling wheel, your shoulders shaking as you continued crying. He couldn't handle the scene and decided to walk downstairs, his family all stared at Mason, who had teary eyes and a disheveled look on his face. “Where’s Y/n?” asked Jaz who held Summer on her hip.

“She’s gone.”

~~~~~

“Have you tried speaking with him?” asked Sophia, she looked up and watched you sigh. “I tried but I can't bring myself to respond to his texts…It hurts.” Sophia was the only one who knew about the breakup, maybe Kai if she or Mason told her. “I replied to my birthday one that is all. I just said a simple thank you,” you said pulling out your phone and showing her the conversation.

“How was your birthday by the way? It's been a while since we've properly hung out. I'm glad we're doing this,” she giggled. “It was okay, I had a few drinks with friends from work and then had a movie night by myself in my flat, I did some skincare and treated myself with a nice designer bag as well,” you smiled proudly. The feeling of hard work always paid off.

You and Sophia spoke for hours, it was like that always with the two of you. You spoke about anything and everything, it feels special to have a friend like her. Sophia always was so intriguing and open to anything, she tries to make you feel more comfortable and loved. You came to her for anything, and she the same as well. There weren't ever any arguments or small fights, she felt like a soulmate friend.

“Are you coming with us to Germany? I want to show you around my hometown!” she said excitedly squirming around her chair. “Yes, I will be! I have mostly everything packed besides my makeup. A week off sounds so relaxing right now,” you said. She clapped her hands and spoke about her trip.

It would be a week in Germany traveling around her city and popular area there. She invited you and her closest friends in London to make the trip, and since you got along with the other it felt nice to look forward to. “My suitcase is so heavy. I packed three heavy jackets in there. So many warm outfits,” you chuckled thinking about how you had to physically sit on the suitcase to be able to close it.

“Mine is too. I always overpack and I majority of the time forget one thing, just me?” she asked, you shook your head, “Nope. That's me too.” Sophia was going to surprise you with these but she ended up spilling the secret of taking just you and her to her family's cabin there. A cozy place and the perfect getaway. You continued talking before deciding to split ways and go home to prepare for the night.

The trip suddenly came around and you were stressed, you couldn't find the correct shoes, and your passport was missing from its original place. You spent the whole morning looking just to find it already in your carry-on. The day started off raining and it continued doing so till you met with Sophia at the airport. The two of you killed time by having breakfast and talking at the gate waiting for the weather to change so you could board. You were more than lucky to reserve and buy a first-class seat so you took advantage of sleeping comfortably for the next few hours.

Mason Mount is set to miss training again… Join us at 6:30 pm for more news on transfer, club news, etc…

Your heart stops beating at the new headline. You knew he was going through it because you felt guilty and believed it was your fault. The picture they upload of him just was the icing on the cake, and you had the urge to reach out to check in on him. Your fingertips danced across the screen but you shut it off and focused on your getaway.

The drive to the cabin wasn't bad, just cold. Your nose was red, and your cheeks felt cold. Sophia was rather used to it, not feeling as cold as you were. The taxi driver helped you pull out suitcases as you waited for Sophia to open the cabin. She helped you roll in the suitcases, but stumbled back in shock, “Uh? Those lights shouldn't be on…” she trailed off.

You look around and faced the kitchen where indeed the dining and cooking area lights were on. “You don’t think someone was here right? Are the lights censored?” you quickly grabbed a nearby heavy object ready to prepare to defend yourself. “Let's take a look around maybe-”

The two of you stumbled back gasping when Kai walked out of the kitchen confused. “Schatz, is that you?” You looked at the german couple confused… While they resolved the issue you saw the familiar muscular body come down the stairs, the air felt more hot and heavy as you locked eyes with Mason.

The rushed feelings all came back, and you weren't sure how to react. It felt straight out of a movie, you had to force yourself to look away. “Soph..” you whispered. “I had no idea, it slipped my mind that Kai was going to bring Mason, Ben, and Reece here! I'm sorry-”

“Don’t apologize it's okay! We can still have more time with us and the rest of the girls soon! Two days can and will go by fast,” you pulled her aside and calmed her down all while you felt nervous as Mason stared at you in complete shock. The rest of the Chelsea players walked out and greeted you, you offered a smile to Mason as you walked off to your room. You unpacked for those two days and took a nap, wanting to sleep it off.

The group decided to have dinner and then watch a movie after. You helped Sophia cook as the boys helped set up the table. You tried to push out he was there but you could tell he was hurting just as much as you were. He sat right infront, Mason’s mind was all over the place, but now that you were here, he was motivated to win you back.

You fell asleep once again while watching the movie, after everyone said goodbye you went to your room and changed into pj’s with a long sleeve. The tossing and turning kept you up, desperately wanting to reach out to the man in front of your room. You stood up and quietly walked to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

You suddenly felt that warm and strong embrace hugging you by the waist, Mason’s head hiding in the crook of your neck. Your hands wrapped around his forearms, tilting your head back to rest it against his upper shoulder. “I know it's wrong and I shouldn’t be doing this but, I missed you so much Y/n… You have no idea…” he said along your neck, you felt the hot breathing as he held you tighter.

You managed to turn around and let yourself hug him by his torso, running your hands on his back and sides, your head tucked underneath his chin. “I missed you to Mason,” you whimpered. He sat you on the marble counter, and quickly stood between your legs, hugging you by the waist. “Can we talk?” you asked hoping he would say yes. He nodded rapidly, “Please.”

“I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you that day. You had every right to be angry and upset. I would be too if you all of the sudden said you didn't picture me in your future. You truly did deserve better…” you sniffled. Mason locked eyes with you, his thumb brushing away your tears that began to fall out.

“I’m sorry too. I should’ve respected and understood where you were coming from. It wasn’t selfish at all Y/n, I hope you know that. You did what you had to do, and I should've never said anything to make you feel that way. Putting yourself first to find self-love is strong and only some can do it,” Mason said.

“I still love you Mason…” you admitted watching his brown eyes go crazy, he rested his forehead against yours, “I love you. I never stopped and I don't think I will,” he said grabbing the back of your head. “My mom has been telling me nonstop how much she misses you, her, and Summer. She told me about how you spoke to her and grabbed tea two weeks ago.”

You giggled holding your hand by the side of his neck, “She did? I swear to you, I needed that that session with her. She told me about Nella trying to get us back together? Didn’t see that coming honestly, but she was asking for my number so she could apologize and so on,” you explained.

“It's not just my aunt Nella, my other friends from that night too. One of their girlfriends reached out to you, begging for you to listen to me or something like that,” he laughed, “but I saw their colors, who was there for me and you, and who wasn’t? As harsh and mean as it sounds I cut them off. I needed to cut all the negativity and those who wanted to control me.”

“And how are you doing now?” you whispered.

“Im doing way better now that I'm here with you. It was driving me insane coming home to find some of your items there but not you. I had gotten so used to you being there, I hated the feeling of coming home after a long day and you not being there. But I think time apart is what we needed.”

“We did. I feel better physically and mentally. I'm just hoping I won't be overstepping any boundaries with what I'm about to ask…” you bit your lip nervously. Mason pulled back confused but still held you by your hips, “What do you mean? Ask what,” he said impatiently.

“I know we have so much to cover and go over to fix us but how do you feel about giving us a second chance? I understand if you're not ready or-” he cuts you off with a rushed kiss, tilting your chin up so it deepens more. He held you close while your hand tugged on the hair on the nape of his neck. “I want to be with you from this day forward,” Mason said smiling when heard you giggle again. He kissed you again and brought you down. He turned off the lights and dragged you to your room.

The two of layed down, Mason being the bigger spoon and you the smaller one. He trailed kisses from your temple to your jaw, your neck, and cheeks, still in denial that you were back in his arms. “I love you, Y/n,” he placed one last kiss on your lips, watching your eyes close from being tired. “Mmm I love you more Mason,” you smirked knowing it would rile him up a bit.

“Oh don’t start this now!”

The german couple felt content with how their plan worked out in the end after finding you and Mason cuddled up in your room sleeping. They were able to help you and Mason get back together knowing how it was affecting both of you. They walked away and let the pair sleep peacefully after so long.

[bbyquokka]

Hi this is my first time requesting to you so hello! (I’ll send a non-anon ask to you so you can see my profile and age💜)

I was thinking about cockwarming with Hyunjin and it being pure comfort and fluff. I notice in fics that cockwarming always leads to sex but I just want to experience it as is.

Just Hyunjin and the reader being very close with each other cuddling in bed after the she has a bad day at university. He seems like the romantic type who would cherish these types of intimate and vulnerable moments where they can feel safe together. He’d even give her his jiniret plush just to make her smile

warmth

FLUFF/SUGGESTIVE THEMES BELOW CUT – MINORS, AGELESS & DEFAULT BLOGS; DNI

warning: fem bodied reader, uni au, established relationship, pet names, cock warming, reader feels insecure, fluff and comfort, semi proof read. words: 0.7k ~ (724)

dont repost. dont translate. feedback and reblogs are highly advised and appreciated!

“hey darling. how did–oof!” hyunjin groans before laughing softly as you straddle his lap, forehead resting on his shoulder. he wraps his arms around your tired body gently, stroking your back. “rough lecture?”

“yeah.” you mumble against the material of his t-shirt. “i swear this professor hates me.”

“i doubt that darling.” hyunjin laughs softly.

“want cuddles.”

“here or?” you lift your head up and pout, eyes flickering below his waist. “ahhh, ok darling.”

hyunjin picks you up gently and walks to the shared bedroom. he gently places you down on the bed to strip, watching you do the same before getting under the duvet.

hyunjin slides in behind you, lips pressing gently kisses along the back of your neck. his fingers trailing along your sides, feather like touches that drive you insane.

“hyun..” you whimper impatiently. “please.”

“ok ok darling.” he laughs softly before slowly pushing his penis inside you. you both let out soft whimpers and groans, the feeling of being filled and stretched providing you with a strange sense of comfort.

his length is fully inserted, touching untouched territory. your warmth slowly drives hyunjin insane due to the fact that he is addicted to your warmth and how you feel. he presses his chest against your back to provide you with some skin on skin, arm snaking around your midriff and thumb stroking your stomach.

“better?” he softly whispers. you hum softly, giggling as hyunjin kisses your earlobe.

“stopp! that tickles!” you whine. hyunjin carries on for a few seconds before kissing your neck gently.

your walls flutter around hyunjin's length which makes him silently groan. he so badly wants to move but he knows you're not in the mood for sex of any kind. your energy screams 'hold me. i've had a shit day.'

“you're so pretty, you know that right?” hyunjin hums softly. you blush a soft pink, nuzzling into the pillow to hide the embarrassment.

“shh.”

“never. i will keep telling you that you're beautiful and pretty and gorgeous and–”

“ok ok! i–i get it.” you whine. hyunjin laughs before pecking your rose coloured cheeks gently.

“you'll be ok yn. i promise you.”

“will i? i'm starting to doubt that uni is for me..”

“why baby?”

“because everyone around me is so fucking smart and i'm just there. i'm surrounded by all this talent and smartness that it's suffocating but i also feel insufficient. maybe i'm not cut out for uni...” your voice cracks and wobbles. hyunjin furrows his brows before repositioning and reinserting himself so you're facing him.

“my darling.” he cups your cheeks gently, wiping away a few stray tears. “we all have our strengths and weaknesses. you shouldn't compare yourself to others which i know is hard to do when you feel insecure and low but, someone might feel the same way about you.”

“what do you mean?” you whisper.

“well, someone else might be comparing themselves to you. what you think is a weakness about yourself could be what they find strong about you.”

“really?”

“it's possible darling. you shouldn't compare yourself to others. which is hard, i know but you shine in other aspects of life to. you are smart and talented but being smart and talented doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means.”

“no?” you look up at him as he strokes your hair gently.

“you can be smart and talented in many other ways that don't involve solving equations and making art pieces so don't bring yourself down my love. you could hold a piece of knowledge that someone else doesn't know and they could find you smart. just because you struggle in one area doesn't make you any less of a person.”

“hyun...” you sniffle, leaning into his touch. “thank you.”

“anytime darling. do you feel better?” he traces your jawline slowly with the tip of his finger before leaning down.

“much better.” you mumble before pressing your lips against hyunjin's plump ones. the kiss is slow and passionate. his cock still nestled deep inside you, walls fluttering around his length and providing hyunjin with such warmth and comfort.

“i'll always be here for you darling. morning, noon and night and if i'm not here, you have this.” hyunjin hands you his jiniret plush to which you hold close to your chest. “i love you, yn. so so much.”

note: i do love a lil bit of cockwarming with some added fluff !! ty for sending this in, i enjoy writing cockwarming. should really write more of it tbh. don’t forget to leave feedback, reblog and tell me what you think here. i hope you all enjoy! ‹3

tags (open): @sstarryoong ; @unh0ly-dr3am3r ; @septicrebel ; @alyszaen ; @writerracha ; @hyunluvxo ; @aestheticsluut ; @xcookiemonsteer ; @telesvng ; @oshimee

[mental-health-advice]

i want to get better at talking to my friends but I have no idea how. For the past week I have tired to message some of them but all it has done is make me feel worse because I feel like I'm annoying them (even if they say I'm not) and because I have no idea how to talk to people either - I find it too hard as I literally have no idea what to say so it's only easy if I'm asking them a specific question but usually I want to talk to them when I have nothing specific to talk about so I don't know how to start and hold a conversation with them. I have just felt extra lonely recently and I miss them too (I'm on break from school which literally only lasts a week but still). It also makes me worried for when I go to university because I won't see them in uni and the only times I really talk to them is in school, so once school ends (which will be June, and then I'll never be going to school with them ever again) I'll probably basically never talk to them cause I just. Don't know how. And I don't want to loose them but I'm worried I will :(

Hey there,

I know that talking to friends isn’t easy for some people and especially with holding a conversation with them, but I do think you are doing a great job in trying and especially with the fact that you have had some conversation with them, with them telling you that you are not annoying them despite sometimes feeling like you are annoying them.

I think that a good starting point for you would be to try and listen to your friends when they say that you are not annoying them. Perhaps you could think about why you feel like you are being annoying towards them and try to challenge each one. So an example may be you feeling like you are taking up their time when they are really busy. Challenging this though may be to remind yourself that if you do message them and are they are busy and don’t reply straight away, then they will when they can, and that you are not disturbing them from what ever they may be doing, they will simply just reply when they are able to do so. I find this helpful for myself and especially with having BPD. I find it helpful to list what makes me feel abandoned or insecure with others not replying to me straight away and next to each point writing down examples of why they may not reply straight away and that them not replying is not a sign that they don’t like me.

When beginning and holding a conversation with someone it can at times be helpful to practice what you may want to talk about with yourself or maybe have a list of topics already planned in your head. And with holding and continuing with the conversation, repeating some things that they have said will let the other person know you are listening to them and may spark some comments or further questions you may be able to ask/ talk to them about.

I know it can be scary to think about moving away from friends and no longer seeing them regularly, but is this something you can share with your friends? I am sure that they may have the same or similar concerns as you with keeping in contact, so it may be really helpful to bring this up with them. Just an idea!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[softxsuki]

Hi, can I please send in an urgent request? I'm just having a really night, I can't stop crying. I keep remembering what happened and I feel like I'm in that place again and I'm all alone. I don't want to trauma dump so I'll put in some warnings. If you see something that triggers you, please disregard this request, I understand and I can manage.

Warnings: Manipulation, Gaslighting, Cheating, Insecurities (body image, mentions of scars and size)

I was a teen when I first had my first "serious" relationship. It lasted 3 years and it was on and off. We broke up multiple times due to them cheating and me not being able to cope with it. We had a 12 hour time difference and lived on opposite sides of the world. I wasn't perfect. I wanted him to be here when we were both teens, expected too much. He gaslit me when I questioned him when he became cold. Truth be told, I think he's a good friend and person but wasn't a good partner to me. I got traumatized by this relationship and second guessed my every move. I got into a relationship after that one and I promised myself to do absolutely right by this person. He didn't have confidence in our relationship and other people were telling him I'd leave him for someone who was "better" looking. He believed them. Over the period of a year, I'd tried my best at showing affection. Texting, updating, and trying to call but he wouldn't answer. It even reached a point where there was 10 days where he didn't talk to me but I still texted good morning. I went to his college to give him a gift and he basically shooed me into a bus terminal to make me go home. I didn't even know the way back home because I didn't know the area. He then got sick while I was in uni class. I blew my month's budget for food and necessities to buy him what he needs while he was in the hospital. I went there right after class, still in my school clothes and tired after 10 hours of class. He wouldn't say which hospital it was. I had to call around to find him and when I got there, he wouldn't even look at me. After that, he broke up with me. Soon the person he was cheating me texted me just to rub in into my face that he chose her. It hurt. It still hurts. And we got back together after half a year with promises for him to change for the better and he has changed. He did everything I asked. Been nothing but regretful and trying his best to change and show that he's changed but here I am still hurting. And all of this started when I saw that he had a reminder set for her birthday that he forgot to remove.

I just need comfort, please. Like maybe a scenario where there are rumours that Hawks (he's my comfort character) is cheating and he comforts me, tells me that it's not true and reassures me that he loves me through and through, even my scars and my size. or I'm vividly dreaming that he's cheating on me to the point that I'm crying in my sleep then he wakes me up to comfort me because I'm really wishing that this is all just a really bad dream and I just wish someone would wake me up.

I'm sorry. I found your blog a lot earlier and I told myself to only send an urgent request when I couldn't handle it by myself anymore. I just need reassurance from my comfort character.

Hawks Comforting Reader Who Hears Rumors That He's Cheating On Her

Pairing: Hawks (Keigo Takami) x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of cheating (he's not actually cheating), mention of scars, low self-esteem because of body image

Genre: Comfort, Fluff

Post-Type: Oneshot

Word Count: 1k

Summary: In which you see an article that suggests that Hawks is cheating on you with another woman. As soon as he gets home, you confront him about it and he denies the rumors as he tries his best to reassure and comfort you.

[A/N: Hello anon! First, thank you for coming to me with your urgent request. Please don't ever hesitate to send one in, I'm always grateful to be able to help you guys like this if I can. Second, I am so sorry you had to experience all that. Cheating is such a horrible thing and I know it may seem like you're the one who is having bad luck finding a man who won't cheat on you, but please know that you are NOT the problem. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure in your relationship with them. I really hope it works out with your boyfriend that you have now, but if it doesn't (which is normal), then I know the right man is out there waiting for you. Someone who will treat you like royalty, who won't make you feel insecure in your relationship, and someone who will love and appreciate all the efforts you make, while making efforts of their own. NEVER SETTLE. You deserve so much more <3. With that being said, I hope Hawks is able to provide you with some kind of comfort through this oneshot. I also made reader Fem so please let me know if you'd prefer a Gn! Reader and I'll change that up for you. Take care <3]

Not again, please not again.

You read the headline over and over again.

“Is Number Two Pro-Hero Hawks Seeing Someone Else?” you read the title out loud for the nth time.

Attached to the article is a picture of Hawks with another woman that wasn’t you; his hand was placed on her lower back as he looked lovingly at her. You eye the woman in the photo– she was perfect. Everything you wished you were–thin, beautiful– not one imperfection in sight.

Why did this always happen to you? You always did your best to show affection to your partner, giving him all your love and attention, putting him first before yourself whether he realized it or not. What were you doing wrong?

Your boyfriend wasn’t even home yet so you couldn’t confront him about it, but truth be told, you wished he wouldn’t come home yet. You weren’t ready to talk about it. What if he really was cheating on you? How would you deal with that again after your numerous previous relationships where you had been cheated on? If only you could just close your eyes and wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Your thoughts are cut short as you hear the jiggling of keys at the front door. He was home. Your heart hammers loudly in your chest–so loudly that you can hear your heartbeat in your ears.

“Baby I’m home! You here?” you hear him announce himself as soon as he gets the front door open.

You peek around the wall you were sitting behind, trying to hide yourself from him as you see him walk further into your shared home, still in his hero clothes. You almost jump out of your skin when his eyes flick to yours, his eyebrow raising slightly as you scurry to hide yourself behind the wall again.

“What’re you hiding for?” he asks now crouching right beside you.

You screech at his sudden presence and move away from him.

“N-nothing,” you say, not ready to know the truth yet.

“Oh c’mon baby, you can tell me,” he moves closer to you, bringing a hand up to cup your face lovingly.

You swallow hard, hating the way your body reacted to his touch, leaning into the warmth of his hand, but you stop yourself and scoot away from him once again. You hold your phone up to him, allowing him to read the gossip article you had found about his alleged cheating.

He stops in place and takes your phone from you, reading the article and scrolling through it, the frown on his face grows longer the more he reads. You can’t help the warm tears that come falling down your face as you admire him. Will this be the last time I ever get to see him as mine?

“Y/N, baby. These aren’t true, I promise you. I had just saved that woman from a gang of villains. These reporters just happened to capture the moment I was putting her down as she thanked me. I’ve never seen her before other than that,” he explains as he finally looks down and sees your tear stained face.

“But she’s so beautiful. Not like me with my disgusting body and horrendous scars. I can see why you’d want someone like her,” you confess the dark thoughts that had been eating away at you.

Cheating or not, you always felt like Hawks would eventually leave you behind whenever he found someone more appealing–someone worthy of loving.

“Baby no. Don’t say that about yourself,” his eyebrows furrow as he sits on the floor beside you, taking your hand in his, “I love you and only you. I love your scars, I kiss them all the time, don’t I? I love your body too! Every inch of you is complete perfection to me. No one on this earth could capture every inch of my heart as strongly as you have. I just wish you could see for yourself how amazing you really are.”

“Really? So you don’t love her?” you sniff, turning towards him to see if he was being sincere.

His eyes were pooling with love for you as he responded, “Of course I don’t love her. There’s only enough room in here for you my love.”

He pats his chest where his heart is located and once again cups your cheeks.

“Let me know whenever those negative thoughts come back into your head. I’ll kiss them all away,” he says as he leans in and kisses your forehead, “And please know that I would never cheat on you, ever. A man never lets his woman feel insecure in their relationship, so I’m sorry for not showing you enough, how much I love you.”

“You do!” you assure him, remembering all the moments he’d take care of you and make the first move to call you or tell you he loves you, “I just let my insecurities get the best of me. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologize,” he whispers before leaning in and leaving a lingering kiss to your lips, savoring the feeling of your lips on his–his favorite feeling–before pulling away, “Always question me whenever you feel insecure or suspicious, I’ll make sure to ease your mind instead of having you worry about it by yourself. I love you so much, please remember that.”

“I will,” you hum, leaning your head on his shoulder as you close your eyes and enjoy his presence.

You feel him leave your side for a second, before warm hands wrap around your back and thighs, lifting you off the ground.

“Off we go for cuddles!” he announces with a laugh as he carries you to your room.

You laugh along with him, swinging your arms around his neck, glad that he wasn’t cheating and still loved you dearly.

He lays you on the bed before jumping in beside you and pulling you into his arms.

“I love you,” he rests his forehead on yours, “so much.”

“I love you too,” you reply, closing the distance between you with a kiss of your own.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 12/26/2021 (yes ik it's the 27th, but I haven't slept yet so no <3)

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 27 - Keeping Your Head Up

Masterlist; Chapter 26

Summary: Sleepless nights and plotting the way forward. You and Neil finally talk about the approaching battle. The conversation provides the spark for action.

Warnings: 18+ (not so implied content, if ya know what I mean); swearing.

Author's Notes: Here we go, earlier than I expected because who said that uni should be more important than fanfiction. This one goes through the whole spectrum of human emotions and I'm not even sure what's going on... but here it is. And I'll hope you'll enjoy! Let me know what you think?

P.S. Yes, Stalsk is soon. Yes, I'm terrified. How about you? :)))

Once the last arcs of light disappeared from the night sky and the troops started to disperse, one look exchanged with Neil was enough to help you decide. You led him through the ship’s quarters, hands holding tightly in the unspoken promise. Whatever happened during the aurora only confirmed what you knew from the previous night. There was no question of giving him up. One does not give up on the love of their life. Simple.

As the door to your cabin closed, both of you knew what had to happen. Neil wound his arm around your waist, pushing you against the wall. No space left between your bodies as your gazes met:

“I love you,” a whisper leaving his mouth reverence and certainty.

With the pulse pounding in your ears, you took the words off his mouth with a kiss. Hunger and need betrayed by your eager hands, grabbing hold of his sweater and pulling him down. In response, Neil kissed you harder, lips bruising, teeth tearing the skin to make you understand. Soon it became a duel of passion, each desperate to push the other off the edge. To stake the claim. Mindless of time and caution, you tugged at the clothes and stole the breath from each other’s lungs. Minutes passed, but it was never quite enough. Never satisfied. Only once the lightheadedness made you feel close to passing out from the lack of oxygen, you broke the kiss with a gasp. Your eyes opened to see Neil gazing back at you with a grin on his face. He glanced at your mouth as you licked off the saliva, chasing the taste for that second longer. Then, lost in the daze, you leaned forward, resting your forehead against his chest.

“What?” he gently cradled your head, pulling you closer into the strange hug.

With words missing, you took the additional moment to catch your breath and piece together a response:

“It’s... this is good. I don’t want it to end” a shy smile which he could not even see.

Still, the truth. Your idle hands ventured underneath the clothes, settling on the belt loops with the thumbs grazing over his sides. The warmth of the skin, a vivid reminder about the previous night. Something within your reach.

“It won’t. I’m never letting you go again,” confirming the words he tightened the hold, “Do you want to pick up the conversation or...” Neil trailed off, something in his voice arousing curiosity.

You raised your head, noticing the hint of a smirk on his lips. And the sparks in his eyes.

“Or?” courageous fingers ghosting over his stomach, bringing out sharp inhales.

You were never someone who paid too much attention to men’s musculature. It was never on the list of ‘requirements’ or expectations. And yet, as you carefully brushed your fingertips over his firm abdomen, that spark of satisfaction was there. And attraction, never waning since you first laid your eyes on him.

“We could continue with this...” ignorant of your thoughts, Neil searched your face with hints of hesitation in his eyes, “But only if you want to. I wouldn’t want you to think that all I’m here for is…” the deepening frown made you snap out of the reverie and shut him up with a finger against the mouth.

“Neil,” firmly, yet with a playful smile upon your lips, “You’re telling that to someone who just considered fainting if it meant extending that kiss,” your grin widening upon the shock on his face.

And then he grinned, cupping your cheek and brushing the pad of thumb over your lower lip. Drawing out a sigh with ease that not that long ago would have embarrassed you. Now there was no reason to hide it.

“Fair point” Neil smiled lightly, gaze distant showing you that he still had some things to say, “It’s just that…”

His eyes met yours a helpless plea. To understand, to chase away the worries and doubts. He did not need to ask for that.

“Yes?” you picked up the conversation, fingers running through his hair.

The gesture both a comfort and a way of reminding him of where you were. Of what you could give him if he only agreed. Judging by the way he leaned into your touch, it did work. After a beat, he met your gaze again, words pouring out with desperation and self-directed bitterness:

“We’ve lost so much time because of my stupidity. And I feel like it’s running out. If there’s not much left, then I want to give you all I’ve got” the earnest look stealing away the remains of breath from your lungs “And words can only go as far. Some of what I feel can’t be expressed like that, it’s...” trailing off, he faltered as though uncertain.

Oh god. It felt almost surreal to understand. That he would be questioning your desire to have sex again after all the confessions and admitted truths. That he would worry about going too far. As if that was not exactly what you wanted. All because he cared too much about your issues with being this close. Idiot. Ignoring the need to stop his silly doubts with a kiss, you tilted his chin and made sure he could see the longing in your eyes:

“I don’t need much convincing to agree for a repeat of last night. Only an idiot would’ve said no to all that… pleasure” simply, just as letting your free hand bravely brush over his crotch.

The answering gasp was more than promising. You could see the resolve breaking as he tried to level the breathing. Fingers taking hold of your shirt, toying with the material. Knuckles brushing over the skin on your stomach. The internal conflict close to a resolution. A favourable one. Only…

“You’re not tired?” the blue eyes full of concern and unmeasurable yearning.

Too good. With heart close to bursting from the amount of love, you took that as the cue to be brave. To be honest and show him the extent of need ravaging through your blood:

“I am. But I want you” purposefully meeting his gaze with an unguarded look, “I want to feel your hands on my body. To make love with you, knowing that you’re mine,” you observed as he swallowed hard, hands grasping onto your waist underneath the shirt “To feel you inside me” the conclusion whispered as your courage wavered.

Because that was a first. Explicitly stating wants and desires were never a forte, with the insecurities and anxiety making you forgo every attempt. Until now, with Neil, who was stunned into silence. His eyes darkened almost imperceptibly as the words sunk in. He understood.

You barely had the time to register when his lips crashed against yours in the kiss to put every single one before it to shame. This time there was no moderation, no slowness in any of your actions. Hands barely had the time to catch up with the needs as you both fumbled around with the clothes. A casualty – the cup of tea abandoned by the bed sent tumbling onto the floor. But you have not even noticed, too occupied by Neil, his skilful hands and breathtaking moves.

Logic of your closeness startling in its simplicity. Without needing to ask, he made sure you were ready, consent chased at every stage with something as straightforward as eyes searching yours, looking for that nod. For the spark, that told him what you wanted. And then, as he allowed you to have everything once again, gazes locked and held. Love passed with each sigh, shudder and moan. Faster and harder, seeking that familiar rush. Confirming what you both knew already. Never enough. Hands worshipping every inch of your body as you drove him to the edge and over, following suit. This time you did not bite back on words that settled on the tip of your tongue. With every single instance, the three words rolled off with more ease. That moment not any different, the I love you whispered as he offered you the necessary release, sealed with a kiss and explosion of pleasure. Nothing came close. Nothing ever would.

***

The quietness of the moment right after was astonishing in its tranquility. Neil pulled you back down to lie next to him on the bed with your head propped on his chest, the heartbeat a constant white noise bringing peace. With those careful hands caressing your skin, there was no place for insecurities. Only the overwhelming feeling of completeness, as if now when you knew that your heart was safely his, everything else has sunk into the background. That, of course, was an illusion, one that had to be shattered pretty quickly with the reminder about the topic you were yet to discuss. But it could wait. Just a little longer.

“Not a bad way to finish off the evening,” the low murmur tinted with a playful edge.

Of course. Despite the warmth spreading through your body, you grinned, arms embracing him tightly, even if only to show agreement. It really was. And yet…

“Was it still that good? Like you said, in the morning-” the eternal need for validation speaking up before you could properly gather the thoughts.

Thankfully, Neil sensed what was coming before you did. He sat up, dragging you with him.

“Christ, you-” the exasperation betrayed by the heavy sigh, “If I need to tell you how amazing it was every time we have sex, then I will. Keep that in mind” he observed you closely, taking in the spreading blush and deepening shock “My love” an addition followed by a bop on the nose.

Just like that. Without giving you time to react, he laid down again. This time you seemingly had a choice, no arms holding you close as if to show that you were free to suffer the doubts alone. As if. With a quiet huff, you settled back on the bed facing him. The lack of touch felt strange.

“I’ll take that as a warning” stubbornly, you met his gaze, awaiting nothing but satisfaction.

Rightfully so. The infamous smirk graced his lips as he stared at you fondly. Maybe it was time to abandon the uncertainty. Maybe you really got that lucky.

“You should,” as though he too was missing the contact, he reached out to stroke your cheek slowly, “And yes, it was still very much mind-blowingly good. Splendid. Terrific” with each word, the blush was darkening.

Neil’s smugness growing exponentially. Too much.

“Okay, stop,” ignoring the sudden desire to punch him, you chose the puppy-eyed look instead, “Please,” placing your hands on his shoulders if only to assert the dominance.

The sudden flash of darkness within the blue eyes was unexpected. And fascinating.

“Make me,” a whisper accompanied by his touch trailing down your stomach.

That was a challenge you gladly accepted. Using the moment of stagnation, you rolled over to trap him beneath you. His eyes swept over your chest, hands settling on your waist, making everything easier as always. It was not difficult to lean in and shut him up with another breathtaking kiss, with teeth catching that frustrating lower lip showing him why it was unwise to test you. The answering groan and tightening grip were good enough confirmation. And also, a perfect moment to let go and let him suffer alone.

The offended look on his face - absolutely delightful. You waited patiently as he got over the initial shock and wound his arm around your waist once again. From the wistfulness on Neil’s face, you could tell that he was not done:

“Now I know why I’ve always been so drawn to you. You’ve got quite the skillset” the meaningful look giving more confidence than anything ever “And, mind you, I might be catastrophically in love with you but that… no wonder we couldn’t keep our hands off each other” accentuating the meaning, he cupped your face once again “You’re unforgettable. Wonderful. Extraordinary. And mine” the litany closed off with happiness in his eyes “Which is why I’ll start counting my blessings” a kiss on your forehead finishing the speech.

You met his gaze with a gaping mouth. What on earth… That amount of affection expressed just like that was overwhelming. The only thing that could be done was to hug him tightly and hide from the fond look by burying your head in the crook of his neck. The warmth of your bodies slowly lulling you back into the peaceful illusion of safety. Into believing that the drama was truly beyond you. Only one last issue circulating your brain, nagging at the thoughts and creating ‘what ifs’ that needed answering. Maybe…

“I’ve got one more silly question before I’ll be quiet for eternity” your whisper broke the silence with the husky timbre.

You felt Neil’s low chuckle before you heard it. His hand stroking your back without a stutter. As if that was second nature. As if he always knew how to touch you but held back. Until now.

“Go on then,” you raised your head in time to see a happy grin, “Miss silly questions,” fingertips skirting over your profile, stopping at your mouth.

The ghost-like touch, parting your lips just because it was possible. Because casual intimacy was no longer out of bounds. Ignoring the sudden onrush of feelings, you chose to use the rare courage to your advantage:

“Are you my boyfriend now? Is that what I should call you?” blurting out the questions with deepening blush and increasing embarrassment.

Too clingy. What if he wanted to keep this casual, without labels? And you just messed it up? Like everything in your life. Before the sabotage could take over, a familiar hand tilted your chin up. The blue eyes, searching yours, looking for clues towards the extent of self-inflicted damage. Whatever he found was enough to call for a soft kiss, followed by a cheeky smile:

“Boyfriend, partner... husband, whatever you want darling,” the wink almost making you brush over the words.

Almost. Your brain froze as you remembered the meaning of the terms used. The ridiculousness of it all taking away the last bits of reason.

“... We’re not married,” staring at him as though he has officially lost it, you stated the obvious.

Only the answering grin was not that obvious. Or the way he took hold of your hand and kissed your knuckles, all the while maintaining eye contact.

“Are you sure about that?” the arched eyebrow adding the final blow.

There was no end to the shock as the absurd of everything caught up. The laugh could not be contained anymore, giggles interrupting whatever you could want to tell him. The happy look in his eyes, making everything even worse. Only once you could catch your breath again, an expression of exasperation the only thing passing through your throat:

“Jesus Christ… Neil” a hint of warning.

Mostly to stop being so bloody charming. Even with spite, it was difficult to find flaws in that beautiful face. Or to stop the constant flood of affection whenever your gazes locked. He looked completely unbothered, amused by your reaction.

“You knew what you’re signing up for,” a shrug showing no remorse whatsoever.

He did have a point. Still.

“Yes, but… I hate you sometimes,” the words triggered by the eternal frustration, “You with your perfect eyes and jaw that cut through my defences. And let’s not even mention all that smooth talk” ever so casually, you traced the outline of his jawline.

Catching the hints of something darker in his expression, you felt the need from before return. Making you cling closer to him, find a temporary fix for the addiction in the way you fit together. Legs entwined; comfort brought by something as simple as the possibility to share the pillow with him. Or the option to get lost in his gaze, let his hands explore all the curves and edges. Everything that you could offer.

“And yet,” the simplicity of his answer was enough to make you grin.

Distractedly, you let your fingers skim down his chest, watching with fascination at how easy it was to treat him as yours. The naturality of the conversation and the variety of responses to keep up the banter. Effortless. Before you found the right words, Neil traced the path down your thigh, creating the tiniest sparks of electricity.

“My most humiliating defeat,” you admitted with a feigned disappointment painted on your face.

That seemed to be the bait he needed. You observed with satisfaction the way his eyes lit up. The cheeky smile back on his lips. There we go.

“You didn’t seem humiliated. Just now,” hand getting dangerously close to the space between your thighs “More like… satisfied” Neil shifted forward, closing the gap between your faces “By me” a low whisper before he captured your lips in a kiss.

A hard one that deepened the bruises and showed you why you had no choice but to give in. Why resting within his embrace was where you were meant to be. You let the feelings consume you whole, clinging even closer to him, arms holding him tightly, letting the breathlessness roam free. The only cue to end the kiss came from Neil, who has run out of oxygen and ended the contact with a sharp gasp. He did not let go, however, extending the hug for at least five minutes, during which you both savoured the moment. The quiet only disturbed with the sounds of your breathing and the synchronised heartbeats, marking the passage of time. It would be easy to fall asleep like that, feeling safe and loved. Finally important to someone. Finally his. But you knew that the things needing talking over would catch up eventually. And so, with the heart getting heavier and the body aching for more, you let go and disentangled enough to meet his eyes again. Nothing but affection there. It was that overwhelming love that prodded the next reflection:

“Sometimes I can’t quite believe you’re real” you let yourself stare a little longer, taking in his infatuated gaze and ruffled hair.

His beauty always startling in its harshness. The angles and sharp edges capable of shattering a heart. You knew that best of all. And yet, with the blue eyes that always showed a myriad of feelings, he was not intimidating, only absolutely fascinating. Someone you could admire for hours and would never have enough. Now, with your curious glance reflected and gentle touch caressing your temple, the luck felt almost immeasurable. Because how could you get this fortunate?

“I am, all yours to touch... and do whatever else you want,” the response bringing the confirmation.

It was that simple. The darker glimmer in his eyes told you as much. You hoped the smile was a good enough answer, for there were no words. Neil acknowledged your speechlessness with a timid smile, as though he too needed time to get used to the new dynamic. To the honesty and unrestrained confessions passed between you to make up for the lost time. The longing in his gaze was enough to let you know that it was time. That you could not stall anymore.

“Tempting…but…” you let out a long exhale and forced out the serious tone, “We should talk,”

One look in his direction told you he understood. The smile wiped off his face in an instant, the frown replacing the previous shyness. With the sudden need to make your circumstances a little bit more bearable, you got up and took hold of his t-shirt abandoned on the floor. Without thinking too much, you slipped it on and turned back to face Neil. An answering grin was a needed reassurance. You observed as he put on the boxers and settled back next to you, instantly drawing you into a half embrace with an arm placed over your shoulders and a hand resting on your thigh. It was all the comforts you could hope for beginning the difficult topic. Nothing to hold you back now. One look at him was enough to permit you to start. Alas…

“Every second I’m falling harder in love with you, and there’s no end to it,” the opening sentence getting out without a stutter as you stared at his fingers idly tracing patterns on your bare skin “I might not understand much-” watching with horror as he opened his mouth to protest you closed it with hand placed over his lips “No, Neil, let me say it” firmly, gaze held to show the determination; after a beat, he nodded and you resumed “I don’t understand much. Probably a quarter of what you know since you’re the smart one here, but... I refuse to give up before we try to make it work together. Let me help you” you could see the conflict brewing in his eyes, thousands of worries passing through his face; one last thing to say “I like to think that there’s a reason why I’ve been brought into this. That I’ve got a bigger role to play than being your lover” you whispered the word shyly, as if almost unsure if it was the right one.

It seemed correct, but… With growing uncertainty, you watched as Neil’s frown deepened. Then he seemed to consider something with eyes closed as though needing to block you out of the picture. That did not help the anxiety. Before your heartbeat could kick in with the elevated speed, he faced you again with new emotions painted all over the features. Most obvious of all – hesitancy. And then…

“You’re much more than that,” a long inhale as though that could give him courage, “You’re… You could be my- We could-” he faltered, the blue eyes looking anywhere but at you.

With your mind starting up the sirens for the world-ending kind of emergency, you could only blurt out the straightforward questions:

“What? What are you trying to say?” your voice wavered, betraying the chaos within.

It was that one false note vibrating through your vocal cords that made Neil calm down a fraction. Finally, he met your widened gaze, and after an extended second of soul-searching, he responded:

“I want to marry you… even today,” oh “If you’d want that, of course,” a hurried addition, with eyebrows knitting together and teeth nibbling on the lower lip restlessly.

Oh. Christ. Now nothing was stopping your pulse from picking up the tempo. The blood rushed into your cheeks as the words sunk in. That was far from anything you expected to hear. Now or ever. From him or anybody else. The sight he presented at the moment told you that there was no point in doubting the authenticity of the proposal. No one would look this terrified because of a lie. With words missing, you could only let out a half-hearted laugh:

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the forced lightness bouncing off his rigid resolve with the speed of light.

He took your hand in his, thumb brushing over the knuckles. Additional regard given to your ring finger almost thoughtlessly. It was hard to remember about something as basic as breathing as you stared at him, pondering his very next sentence. An explanation, hopefully.

“I’m serious. I need you to understand how much I love you. More than I can express and enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you” the earnest look stunning you into silence with his beauty.

The confession needing at least two business days to be processed and understood. But there was no time for that. The part of your heart that has fallen in love with him circa New York ready to abandon logic and say yes. No matter the approaching battle, the lack of reason or sense in any of this. But that voice had to be silenced. For now.

“Neil��� You can’t- It’s been less than a day since we-” you stumbled over the protest, failing to piece together a coherent argument.

Because it was both a yes, and a no. Yes, I want to marry you. Not now. Not yet. Not with the world on fire and uncertain chances of survival. But how do you say that?

“I know, but I’ve been feeling like this for months. And everything that happened showed me that I’m right. I need you” your internal monologue got cut short by Neil’s response, “But if… if you don’t want me like that, it’s alright. I-” it was the sudden insecurity betrayed by the stutter that alerted you.

You could not allow him to doubt your feelings like this. Never again. Following the instincts, you clamped your hand over his mouth again, cutting off the horrifying ramblings.

“Shut up,” you met his gaze and replaced the hand with your mouth, kissing him slowly, “I want you, exactly like that. But I want to have a future with you, filled with so much love and understanding that it will make my heart ache” the meaningful look focused only on the man inches away from you “That’s why we need to work together. So, one day if you’ll still feel the same… you’ll ask me properly, and I’ll say yes” the breathless addition costing you blush on the cheeks and a flash of anxiety.

The best answer you could offer hanging in the tense silence. Hesitantly, you looked at him again, searching for a response. The knowledge that he understood your plea and was willing to accept it. As your eyes locked, Neil smiled, the expression brightening up the mood in an instant. Maybe it would be alright.

“That might have been the most poetic rejection I’ve ever heard,” he murmured, and before you could comment on that, captured your lips in a kiss.

Gently showing you that he understood. Deepening the contact, making the reality catch up. It was real. He wanted you, and not just now. Loved you enough to marry you if the universe allowed. That was a prospect good enough to fight for. An idea to fight off the doubts and worries. Because no matter what your brain had to offer in exchange, it could not compare. Ending the kiss, on a contented sigh, you rested your forehead against his. Taking an additional moment to level the breathing and stare into the eyes that have seen the inside of your soul and accepted it.

“You took me by surprise,” the nervous grin appearing on your face on its own accord.

Neil mirrored it, fingers cupping your face and stroking your cheek tenderly.

“Sorry…” a kiss on the forehead “Since I woke up today and looked at you… it’s been on my mind. The idea that you’re the one, and I need to let you know somehow. An obvious way would be to make you my wife” an overwhelming wave of fondness passing through the system at his words.

Neil’s wife. That sounded good. Hopeful. A label you would be proud to have one day. Final confirmation of your love. That was the needed spark to steer the conversation back on the right track. You leaned in once again and laid a small kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“Will you let me help you?” the simple question as you forced the seriousness once again.

This time he looked less nervous. Instead, you could see the battle playing out within his gaze. Fear and worry most prominent, close to tipping the scales and engulfing his mind within their shadow:

“I understand your logic… and why you want to go with me,” the diplomatic tone making you frown, “But… I don’t think I’ll be able to survive losing you. If something went wrong and you’d- I can’t let that happen” steel-cold resolve you knew from those disastrous meetings where this topic was the ultimate hot spot.

Now, technically, the issue of holding back was out of the way. Now neither of you had to pretend that you cared less; that there was anything else at stake but your feelings towards each other. Still, the fear of another argument was settling in the pit of your stomach as you aimed to answer with necessary determination:

“That goes both ways, Neil,” your comment causing him to look up with a surprise, “You need to understand that we’re both stubborn idiots who won’t let go. The best we can do is compromise” the softer tone needed to persuade him somehow.

You observed as he swallowed hard, your hand still within his grasp, now clutched tightly. As if he was afraid you would disappear if he relaxed the grip. Finally, he raised his head once again and met your searching gaze. Panic. Denial.

“But what if-” the words coming out strained, broken.

You did not like where it was going, and so you interrupted the supposition:

“What if what? There’s a reason why TP sent me those materials. Why he thought it’s crucial we know about the lock, and we prepare for it” the urgency crept into your voice, disrupting the illusion that you were the calmer one.

But how can one discuss something this important emotionlessly?

“Maybe they’re meant for me. So that I can go in there, open the gate, and leave” Neil’s answer made you snap up with sparks of passion burning in your eyes.

What you found on his face made it worse. It was that same resignation from before. As if he had no other choice but sacrifice himself. As if that was the only option, and he did not even want to consider alternatives. Why? Ignoring the desire to slap sense into him, you urged the reason to fight alongside you and put on the most definitive of voices:

“But what if something or someone stops you?” the question tearing through the fragile reality as you faced his conflicted look, “You’ve got reasons to come back now. Don’t you dare give me that same self-sacrificial crap” mindless of your need to stay strong, a single tear trailed down your cheek.

It fell perfectly onto your joined hands, making Neil look up sharply. His forehead creased with a new dose of angst as he reached out to wipe the wetness from your cheek. Taking a moment to stroke your neck then, gently caressing the skin as if it was necessary. As if the time was running out.

“Maybe this… maybe it’s all we’re meant to have. Those few days and-” the heartbroken look he gave you was enough to call for drastic measures.

Impatiently, you took hold of his free hand and grasped his chin to force him to meet your gaze:

“No” certain, no place for bargains, “I won’t give up on you without trying. You’ve made yourself essential to me, you’ve given me something else to… to be” you faltered, more tears streaking down your face; words needed but missing “I can’t let you take it away like that” a sudden stroke of anger adding inspiration for the very next argument “And why? Because ‘what’s happened happened’? That’s just another way of excusing inaction” with fascination you saw him flinch.

You have hit the right spot. Now it was the question of persisting. Of making him understand how ridiculously he was acting. How selfish it was to get himself killed in the name of philosophy. The wrong one, at that.

“It’s not. It’s an expression of fate in the mechanics of the world, not an excuse to-” he recited the words as though he knew them by heart.

As though it was his credo. Bullshit.

“Do nothing?” you completed the sentence with an arched brow, “And what is it that you’re planning to do?” biting edge unplanned but helpful.

If only to see him hesitate. No scripted cue for this question.

“Save the world. For you,” the candid answer taking you by surprise, “Because this the only way I can assure your survival” Neil stared at you with startling emptiness.

It was not exactly unexpected, but still. The fact that you mattered that much, the lengths he was willing to go to for your sake. Fuck. Overwhelmed with love and fear, your heart begged to be released. It thrashed within its cage, pulse pounding in your ears as you forced the brain to work. To tell him how wrong he was to think you wanted a life that did not guarantee his presence.

“The trouble is I don’t want to live in the world without you in it” that straightforward; making sure he held your gaze before continuing, “Listen to me. We will devise a plan, the best we can come up with, and then we’ll go in there together. I’ll cover you and help you escape after the job is done” you outlined the most reasonable of options and added upon his silence “It’s that simple,”

The conversation slowly draining the remains of energy in your body. You wanted nothing but to curl up in his embrace and sleep, forget about this whole mess, even if for a few hours. But you could not have that yet. Not with Neil offering yet another counterstrike:

“It’s everything but simple,” more worry in the stormy eyes, “I don’t know if I can do it… if I can let you…” he trailed off, the unspoken concerns making him interlace your fingers securely.

That called for the final defensive.

“Do you trust me?” you dropped the question with a neutral tone.

The answer hoped for but never taken for granted.

“Yes,” he did not stumble, the word rolling off his tongue with ease.

A rare surge of hope blooming in your chest.

“Then trust me on this too,” raising your joined hands to your lips and kissing his knuckles, “Together we can come up with something brilliant, I’m sure of it” a tentative smile to sign off the sentiment.

You did not know it was the gesture or your words that did it. You saw him waver, teeth nibbling on the bottom lip showing you the depth of the internal struggle. And then his eyes softened.

“You’ll need to be careful. I can’t risk losing you,” refusing to look at you, attention focused on your hands resting in the space between your folded legs.

It felt strange to know that you were this important. But it also explained everything, helping you find the solution to his worries and a way out of the stalemate.

“I know. I love you, and I’ve no plans of dying until we’re both ready to go. Together” you could only grin at his shocked expression, “So?”

You knew you had won the moment he cracked a tiny smile:

“…Okay… but only if you promise me that if things get nasty, you’ll leave. Without putting up a fight,” waiting for your response, he gazed into your soul, careful touch running up your thigh.

That seemed like an acceptable condition. One that offered space for maneuvers. One that could be argued with later.

“I promise,” the whisper opening up a space to lean in and kiss him.

Sealing your fates, confirming the beliefs. A final opportunity to show him why you were willing to do anything to save him. And vice versa.

As the kisses evolved into cuddles and the simple need to find comfort in each other, the tiredness caught up with you both. Another yawn interrupted the comfortable silence. Your hands were idly resting over Neil’s heart, the steady rhythm helping you calm down after the eventful day. He kept on stroking your hair, fingers tangling in the strands and smoothing them down. The repetitive movement easing you in, bringing a needed break from the stress and anxiety of the past weeks. As your eyelids felt heavier with every passing breath, a final question had to be asked:

“Can you stay with me?” the sudden timidness not fitting in with the intimacy of the situation.

And yet. Any voices of uncertainty got extinguished the moment you looked up at Neil and met his bright gaze:

“As if you think I’d leave. Don’t be silly,” the sheer audacity of your question causing his grin to widen, “I need to make up for all those lonely nights somehow” voice lowered to a whisper, gentle touch trailing up your arm, soothing and promising.

Good enough to succumb to and let go already. However, that need for water was stronger, causing you to smile apologetically before untangling from the complex web of limbs and standing up. His eyes followed your movement like a hawk, smirk forming on his face as he took in your dishevelment. As you stretched, the hem of the borrowed shirt rode up, exposing the glaring lack of underwear. The rare rush of confidence was strengthened by the look in his eyes. Suddenly being seen did not hurt that much.

“That you do” taking a sip of the water, you asked, “Can I keep the t-shirt?”

It was just a simple black shirt, good enough to sleep in, engulfing you in the additional dose of that ‘Neil smell’.

“Of course,” an appreciative nod, distracting you to glance at the abandoned phone, “You seem to like me shirtless… which I’m not complaining about,”

The comment was enough to make you turn back, however. Obviously. Taking in his satisfied grin, the urge to slap him was back. That, though, could turn your peaceful evening into something else. Something that perhaps was best left for the future.

“I just generally rather like you, Neil” the retort dropped with perfect disinterest.

No one messaged you, which was bound to be counted as a win. You got a far as making sure the phone was on mute, and you were ready to join him back in the bed when Neil’s question made you turn with widened eyes:

“Can you check my phone, please?” there was nothing suspicious in the way he asked.

As if it was nothing. But it was not exactly nothing. With trembling hands, you went through his notifications. Nothing remarkable or worth mentioning. It was when you faced Neil again after a minute that you noticed his taxing gaze, analysing your every move. He acknowledged your startled look with a serious smile:

“I can see that shocked face, and I’ve got one thing to say to your mean brain - I’ve nothing to hide from you” the emphasis placed on the right words “You can go through my texts if you want to test that” a passing glance at the device you still held in your hand.

Now that was too much. The idea itself triggering the reservoirs of worries. That you were too possessive. That the insecurities were getting ahead of you. As though burned, you put the phone down:

“Christ, no, sorry,” covering your face with your hands for a beat, “I don’t know why…”

Why what? Fuck knows. Looking for comfort, you glanced at him helplessly. Maybe with time, it would get easier. Maybe.

“It’s alright. Come here” Neil had no doubts as he extended his hand towards you in the simple invitation.

He need not say it twice. You switched off the remaining lights and took his hand, letting him pull you into a hug. The whispered reassurances and affirmations followed as you settled for the night. Carefully, you placed your hands over his heart and the scar on the side, mirroring night from another place and another time. As you closed off the day with a final breathless kiss, it was astonishingly effortless to realise that it was where you were meant to be. His lips glided over yours with tenderness reflected in the way he pulled you closer. Finally, you exchanged another confession and closed your eyes. Joined hands resting in the space between your heads like a beacon of hope. Someone to hold on to.

***

The initial sleepiness lasted for about three hours. After that, your brain switched back on, no longer satisfied by the presence of Neil’s steady breaths or the anchoring touch reminding you of the new circumstances. With every minute, it was harder to focus on falling back asleep. Instead, you were forced to go over the various what-ifs and worries centred around the battle. Thoughts of locks, guns, and bullets elevating your pulse and warming up your body in the familiar signs of an upcoming anxiety attack. Overwhelmed with the flood of ideas, you opened your eyes. No salvation in the darkness. Only the warmth of the embrace acting as a reminder to breathe. With a spark of fondness, you realised that Neil pulled you even closer throughout the night. His hands have slipped underneath the shirt. The touch comforting yet also warm enough to be bothering the heightened emotions. You had to get up and cool down. Only that was easier said than done. With his tight hold, it was difficult to untangle, and the first attempt got stopped with half-asleep Neil clutching you with stubbornness, refusing to let go. Despite your heart desperately clinging to the comforts of the position, you decided to take it slow. You raised your head and watched him for a short moment, involuntarily smiling at the peacefulness painted across his features. The relaxed forehead, long eyelashes falling on the cheeks, and strands of hair splayed on the pillow like a crown of gold. Beautiful. Leaning in, you placed a fleeting kiss on his temple, then another one on the cheek, lips brushing over the corner of his lips in a ghost of a touch. Message simple – sleep, it’s alright.

It worked, for he relaxed his hold enough for you to get up from the bed and trod over to the window. The coldness of the room waking up the senses, moonlight spilling over as you glanced at the horizon. Nothing but the ocean and the starry skies. No salvation to be found there. Unable to let go of the worries, you sighed heavily and pressed your forehead against the glass. There was hardly any point in trying to go back to sleep. That train has left the station. Your hands trembled lightly, betraying the anxious energy stored in every single cell of your body. Needing to get out somehow. Briefly, you considered putting on clothes and slipping out to let the cold air calm you down. But that could only help for a brief moment. You needed a better solution. A way to shut down the qualms. How was an entirely different question.

Your nervous internal ramblings got cut short with the unmistakable rustling coming from the bed behind, followed by:

“Why did you leave?” Neil’s husky voice enriched with the sleepy drawl causing a smile to spread on your face.

With the permanent warmth seeping through your chest with the reminder that it was finally your reality, you turned back to face him.

“I can’t sleep,” sheepish admission completed with a small shrug, “It’s fine though, I can-” as you sat down on the mattress, Neil silenced you with a hand taking yours and lacing the fingers.

“What’s wrong?” he seemed more awake now, the familiar focus back in his eyes, “And don’t tell me it’s nothing because I’m not buying that,” the disclaimer placed with a firmness that still startled you.

Supposedly it was time to get used to being seen like this. Right through, no bullshit allowed. Terrifying and endearing. Because for once you were understood. Accepted.

Taking an additional moment to collect the thoughts, you brushed the hair away from his forehead. Careful touch making Neil shut his eyes and lean into your palm as you traced the sharp edge of his cheekbone.

“I can’t stop thinking about the lock… All of the what-ifs and plans are starting to drive me insane,” you admitted quietly, not stopping the tender caress, “It’s like whenever I try to go back to sleep, the thoughts just keep rushing in, and there’s no end to them” the dejected note causing Neil to open his eyes and meet your tired gaze.

His brow furrowed, hold over your hand tightened as though he wanted to reassert his presence. A reminder that you did not have to deal with it alone anymore. In response, you squeezed his palm and rested your head on his shoulder.

“I know the feeling well,” a kiss on the top of your head, “Maybe we should make use of it,” the hopeful edge kindling curiosity.

“How?” somehow, it already felt a little bit better.

As though being able to share the troubles could make your heart less heavy. Because he was there and willing to fight the demons away with you. That was enough to assure you that he was the one. He had to be.

“Let’s go to the bridge and start planning. You won’t sleep and, frankly, knowing you’re feeling like this, I won’t either, so what have we got to lose?” the explanation simple in its directness.

For a moment, you wanted to argue, to tell him to go back to bed and let you deal with this one your own. Because it was selfish to drag him along at 3 am to brainstorm over the filter coffee and A0 format blueprints. Yet the moment your eyes met his, the protests died on your lips. Everything you saw in his gaze told you that there would be no bargaining over it. That he was bound to follow you into the bridge and start the planning right now if it meant you would be able to sleep and calm down. You could only show how that realisation felt through a kiss that strengthened every single feeling twice fold.

***

That is how you have found yourself slouched over the terrain maps and Sator’s compound blueprints with the old-school ticking away the early morning hours on the opposite wall. This early (or late?), the bridge was bathed in the glow of the dawn spreading throughout the eastern horizon. It was incredibly cold, the biting chill causing you both to huddle at the corner of the large table with pullovers zipped up and mugs clutched in your hands. The adorable pinkish tint on Neil’s cheeks and tips of his ears were almost good enough to suffer.

Quickly you established the main points needing covering: the area separating the drop-off zone from the epicentre and tunnel leading inwards, the ten minutes you would have for the whole job, and the potential fuck-ups. With your directions, Neil drew the simplified plan of the terrain on the blackboard, and you attempted to figure out the optimal time needed to cross the distance while inverted. That turned out to be a rather inspiring conversation…

“How fast can you run?” standing at the head of the table, Neil threw a glance at you in passing.

With a grin, you noticed that he managed to get a blue marker stain on his chin. The desire to get up and deal with that distracting you from answering the question. Long enough for him to glare at you offendedly. Riiight…

“Not as fast as you… with all those legs, but I’ll manage” you eyed his slender form with a glimmer in your eye, noting down the exact route to cover.

Tough, but manageable. You were definitely not going to back out now. Not a chance.

“All those legs?” Neil’s clueless tone made you look up with a wide smile.

Cute. One would think someone this gorgeous would be vain. Not this one, however. You stared at him, fascinated by the confusion visible in his face. There was only one way to show him. You got up and crossed the space in two strides, stopping half a meter away, a wicked grin on your lips.

“Legs for miles, sunshine,” one more taxing look directed at him, slowly slipping over every single inch of his body.

Ending the scrutiny on his face again, you closed the space and cupped his cheek. Taking in the widened pupils and parted lips.

“Blimey,” a longer exhale, timidity highlighted by the deepening blush and disbelief in his voice, “Is there a part of me you’re not crazy about?”

As if. Perhaps it was the mix of anxiety, sleep deprivation, and unbelievable luck that made you braver. You placed your hand around his neck to get proper leverage and make him bow down slightly.

“…nope,” the poker face easily achieved before you kissed him on the marker smudge, “Do with that what you will,” a wink as you made sure to press your body against his in a clear message.

And then you strolled back to your chair. As though nothing happened. After all, it was time for work… and a little bit of fun.

Your punishment for the provocation came not long after when Neil came back to the table to help you figure out the best way into the epicentre. Busy with the blueprints, you only noticed his presence once you felt a teasing touch run up your spine, followed by lips trailing kisses down the nape of your neck. However far the collar of your pullover allowed. Involuntarily you shuddered, the reaction instantaneous as you grasped the edge of the cold table to keep focused.

“Neil-” a half-whine exposing the frustration.

Mistake. He must have knelt on the floor behind your chair, for the next thing you felt was the warm breath causing goosebumps all along your neck and throat. He pressed another kiss to the spot right under your ear. The specially chosen one always resulted in thighs clenched tightly and warmth spreading down your veins.

“Don’t tell me you thought I’ll let that pass” the whisper confirmed your suspicions.

One glance at Neil told you he was rather proud of himself as he mirrored your wink from before with a satisfied smirk.

“Rude,” you rolled your eyes, huff added to the drama.

Perhaps mission planning could be interesting like that. Perhaps. As though following your line of thinking, Neil leaned in once again and pressed a kiss to your throat. His hands sneaked around your waist and between the thighs for a split second. Enough to make you groan.

“Is it now?” he chuckled and got up before you could utter a sound, “So… which entry do you propose, miss?” leaning over your head, tone strictly business.

Just like that. Bloody bastard. There was nothing else to do but sigh heavily and begin to plot revenge in the quiet of your mind. That could be rather pleasant.

You decided on an entry point, separate from the tunnel used by the splinter unit just in case. Whatever that case might be. Around five o’clock, when the whole of the room was bathed in the mellow sunlight and the few fucked up seagulls were desperately trying to fight over a fish on the line of your eyesight, you yawned for what felt like the hundredth time and glanced at the sofa longingly. It seemed like now, after over two hours spent planning and talking about nothing but the bloody lock (and the possibilities of your relationship), anxiety has started to die down, leaving nothing but the worst of energy slumps. Neil must have caught your worsening state, for, suddenly you felt a careful touch on your shoulder. He drew you into a half hug, lips pressed against your temple in the soft kiss. You relaxed in his hold instantaneously, the sense of peace finally palpable and within your reach.

“You can go lie down,” he murmured, gently steering you towards the settee, “We’ll go over the obstacles we need to prep for now, but I don’t need you at the table for that” with a small smile, Neil pushed you down to sit.

“Thanks,” you grinned at him, the expression carrying over the rest of what you could not say just yet.

It was too easy to prop your head on the armrest and listen to him ponder on the various ways your mission could be hindered. So easy that you did not even realise when sleep has won over everything else, and you have given in to dreams with Neil’s steady voice fading into the background.

***

When your consciousness has once again reached the surface, you have noticed two things at once. A presence of a duvet you have been covered with that was not there previously, and a blinding light shining right at your face. Slowly, you opened your eyes, squinting at the brightness, and took in the surroundings. The bridge. Early morning. The steady sound of the keyboard typing. Neil. An unauthorised smile welcomed itself onto your face as you stretched out the stiffness from the nap on the sofa. One look at the clock was enough to let you know how badly you have fucked it. 7:30. No more, no less. One question needing answering… why hasn’t he woken you?

You sat up, quietly folded the duvet, and glanced at Neil still slumped over the plans. He had his head propped on the hand, hair falling over his eyes, and fingers restlessly typing out the document. Next to him, there was an unfinished coffee and a half-eaten protein bar. With a flash of gratefulness, you noticed that apart from fetching the blanket for you, he also remembered to eat.

It was that affection and fondness that prompted you to sneak up on him and use up some of the many vengeance scenarios you have thought of. In a smooth move, you have covered the distance and threw your arms around his neck. A startled yelp he let out, only giving more conviction that this was the right maneuver.

“What-” the beginning of the question cut short when you kissed him on the neck.

Slowly savouring the taste of his skin, you placed your hands on his thighs, relishing in the feeling of the muscles tensing underneath the clothes. It was easy to become addicted to this kind of power. The rush of courage prodding you to graze your teeth over his skin. The answering groan and slight head tilt giving your more space for exploration, nothing but approval.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” giving him a breather, you asked the question.

There was no reason to acknowledge it in any way. He would understand you were sure of that. Before he could answer, you picked up the activity, trailing kisses down his neck, giving additional attention to the pulse points and spots that made him fidget in the chair.

“Could never,” the hoarse whisper complemented with his hands covering yours, “What are you doing?” the hint of uncertainty causing a wicked smirk to spread across your lips.

A teasing answer on the tip of your tongue when the unmistakable sound coming from the airlock shattered the moment.

“Well, well, well… good morning, lovebirds,” the familiar Cockney accent broke the silence with an impish edge tinting every syllable.

There was no point in fooling yourself that they have not caught what you have been doing. Still, with cheeks burning red, you took a definitive step back, away from Neil and faced the rest of the team with an awkward smile:

“Hi,” the word came out quiet, raspy voice bringing out even more embarrassment, “We’ve um…” you trailed off, gaze helplessly slipping over Wheeler and TP.

No help apart from a knowing grin on her face and an inquisitive look in his dark eyes. The pronoun you have used ringing out in the space. We. Correct, and yet strange. Because you knew that after a show like this, there would be no more pretending. Everything out and clear. But maybe that was better… Your increasingly more hectic thoughts got interrupted by the sound of the chair scraping the floor.

“Couldn’t sleep. So, we decided to start the planning. For the lock,” Neil finished your sentence and added an explanation on a long exhale.

Unable to deny yourself the pleasure, you glanced at him briefly. He took a step closer, throwing you a reassuring smile. His cheeks were still flushed after your earlier ministrations, hair ruffled and begging to be arranged. Maybe later.

“You’re one entity now?” the shameless staring got interrupted by another cheeky question by the squad leader.

Oh christ. Resisting the urge to facepalm, you fought hard to find an answer.

“No, but… I’m going in with Neil. To help and cover” the truth had to do.

After all, it was what Ives wanted from you. The final decision on the state of things. A way out of the impasse. A sleepless night seemed worth it. One look at the soldier told you the decision has surprised him. He turned to look at Neil, directing the next question at him:

“Alright… and you’re all prepared for that? No more drama?” the emphasis given to the last three words brought back all the traumatic meetings from mere days prior.

No more drama. At last, there was no reason to feel the fear rise at the mention of the war council. Maybe the worst was truly beyond you?

“Yes, we’ve talked it over” Neil confirmed your thoughts with resolution.

On its own accord, his hand brushed against yours, the gesture not escaping the attentive gaze fixed on both of you.

“Doubt that’s the only thing you did,” the comment whispered low enough to be caught by the three of you stood close.

Your face reddened as you understood the connotations. On the one hand, it was nothing to be ashamed of. On the other, the part of you that always hated being seen like that was close to lashing out. However, your boyfriend had your back.

“Ives,” Neil uttered the warning, shooting you a worried look.

That was enough this time, luckily. Without a shadow of remorse, Ives grinned and strolled over to sit at the head of the table. Nonchalance personified.

“Mind sharing what it is that you came up with?” he arched his eyebrow in an open invitation.

Alrighty. You glanced at Neil, a silent question on your lips instantly understood, and answered with a nod of the head in the direction of the whiteboard and your abandoned plans.

As TP and Wheeler took their seats around the table, you both took hold of the papers and arranged them to prepare the presentation. Then a short eye contact was enough to kick it off:

“We’ll go in” Neil uncapped the blue marker and drew two dots on the board.

“Inverted,” you added, gaze sweeping over the audience.

So far, comprehension has seemed to be maintained.

“Yes. We’ve figured out that 4 minutes might be enough to cover the distance from the drop-off zone” drawing the line indicating your route, he motioned for you to pick up the compound blueprint.

“And get into the hypocenter. Via this tunnel,” exchanging a small smile, you took hold of the paper and pointed at the alternate entrance.

“Different to the one you’ll be using in case something went wrong,” he explained, “Then I’ll pick the lock and open the gate” quiet confidence you have missed hearing tinting the sentence.

Maybe it could work out just right.

“While I make sure he’s safe and sound,” complementing his sentence, you took that one step closer to Neil.

Emboldened by the dynamic you have easily fallen into, you shot him a confident grin and placed your hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly being watched did not feel half that bad. As though he was following your logic, Neil winked at you and finished the presentation with a telling shrug:

“And we exit,” you enjoyed the way his eyes glimmered with conviction.

For once, it felt like it was not just you who wanted it to work. Perhaps the conversation made an impact on how he saw things. And now he was willing to fight for your future. Together. The sudden need to take his hand got interrupted with a neutral question coming from Wheeler:

“What if someone stops you?” the poker face masking the hints of concern you knew well.

“We can discuss that now” Neil grabbed the list he composed during your nap and opened his mouth to speak.

Not for long.

“Have you been rehearsing that?” Ives’s question made all of you snap back to him in an instant.

The witty smirk gracing his features was a cause for concern. Because you knew well what he meant. Feeling the wave of embarrassment wash out the bravado, you struggled for an answer:

“No… that’s just-” biting on your lip in search of words, you barely registered what happened.

“Chemistry” Neil smiled assuredly and took your hand in his without missing a beat.

As you faced him with wide eyes, he raised your palm to his lips and kissed the knuckles in a gentlemanly fashion.

That was certainly a memorable way of announcing your relationship. Probably better than a Facebook status. Then you did not have Neil befriended on that. Did he even have an account? For whatever reason, your tired brain decided to treat those types of issues as most important of all, fixating on bloody Facebook of all things.

“You alright?” the tightening hold on your hand combined with the worried undertone in the question made you drop the pointless thoughts in a second.

As you met Neil’s gaze, you mustered another smile and squeezed back his hand. The company did not matter he was everything you could see anyway.

“Yep, sorry. Just knackered,” you whispered the assertion, refusing to acknowledge the ridiculous questions.

However, judging by the scepticism in his face, you knew it was not getting brushed off eternally. The sound of a throat being cleared pointedly made you both turn back to the audience with apologetic smiles.

“Hate to interrupt your little conversation, but I think we should use your head-start and try to complete the plans” Ives stood up from the chair and strolled over to the blackboard.

Marker in hand. Things still needed looking into if you were to make this mission successful on all fronts. Sleep and tiredness would have to wait.

“Sure thing” you passed the soldier a weary nod and sat down on your chair with a quiet groan.

Sofas were not the ideal places to nap. Note to the future self. Before you could do as much as glance at the documents again, a passing remark made you look up with eyebrows knitted:

“Congrats, by the way,” Ives threw the words with a telling wink directed at you and Neil.

Does the torture ever end?

“… Thanks?” the frustration seeping through your tone as you added, “It’s not like we’re getting married or anything, though”

“Yet,” the husky voice on your right chimed in with just the right amount of cheekiness.

Naturally. You glared at Neil sharply, any intent or purpose forgotten once he met your gaze with that familiar affectionate look in his eyes. Might as well…

The next few hours were spent on making sure every part of the plan and the tactics made sense and fit with the rest. It meant more filter coffee (fifth cup? More likely than you think) and more marker smudges all over your hands and arms. On the chin, too, if you ever got too lost in staring at the blonde bastard to your right. Which did happen. Often.

The cause of your death was the assigned job of drawing out the tactics on the large block of paper spread across the table. It was well past noon when you had finished half of it, and the pounding headache only seemed to increase with each second spent on staring at the red and blue lines and dots covering the piece. Stuck with the especially tricky part of indicating your two special task units on the plan, you let the frustration boil over with one simple curse, breaking through the dam:

“...fuck me-” the rest of the sentence, saturated with even more annoyance, was never meant to be heard.

“I am,” the two words invited themselves into your intended message.

Your eyes widened as the culprit confidently approached your workstation and gave you a little pat on the head. What the fuck? From every available expletive, you knew in a few different languages nothing seemed to come to mind in the outrageous moment.

“Neil, I swear-” that had to do as you made sure to show him the extent of fury through the look in your eyes.

You did not even dare glance at the others, knowing that this was quite the scene. Hilarious.

“What? Everyone knows anyways” the feigned innocence in how he batted his eyelashes at you only increasing the frustration.

He did have a point they knew. Especially after something like this. Still.

“That’s not an excuse,” the steel-cold voice doing nothing against the playful sparks in the blue eyes.

It was in the way Neil pushed himself closer to you that you knew what was coming. The ultimate finale to your early morning banter. Showdown. He caught the bottom lip between the teeth and glanced up at you through the dark eyelashes. Nothing but allure personified.

“Am I gonna be punished for the disobedience?” he overenounciated the words with a challenging tilt to the tone.

All of the annoyance was gone, the prospects opening up with his question. Mirroring him, you nibbled on the lower lip, letting the permanent desire back into your gaze. It was easy when faced with someone like Neil.

“... perhaps,” the word whispered with the promising wink.

And a pat on the blonde head, for good measure.

You need not turn to look at the company to know who facepalmed at that.

[tarotnoob]

hiii! I'm J,aries! How are you?? Thank you so much for the reading, it definitely resonantes!! As you said, during jan and feb i'll be staying home with my family bc its summer holidays here but I don't think we're going to travel anywhere.

I realised that there are some insecurities from when i was younger that sometimes kept me from meeting new peoole and feeling comfortable with myself, and im working on it! It actually resonates a lot bc i started uni this year and i had online classes, i really thought i'd get to go and make new friends and that would be like a new beginning for me. But next year, i'll get to go! So i think that'll be a big change for me and y'know im 18 and it's an age where some people still treat you as a child but expect you to behave like an adult. So i feel like I'm still trying to find myself and letting go of a lot of things from when i was younger and yeah growing up! Also, its funny how you said about a spiritual transformation bc spirituality is extremely important for me and this year i felt very stuck and lost so i was hoping next year would be better! And as for the moon, im a libra moon and have aquarius in uranus and neptune! If it's okay I'd let you know what happens as the year progresses! Can't wait to see how it goes!! Thank you soo much for your time and energy! it was very very accurate! I really appreciate it!! Happy holidays!! Again, thank you so much!! I hope you are doing great! Take care 💕🎄✨

j aries i finally got on my laptop!!! there is nothing relaxing about the holiday season, i swear. but that’s commercialism for you. anywho.

wow 18. i know you don’t think so at 18 but that’s so youuuuung. not to invalidate any worries you have, i’m just saying you have a lot of time to find yourself and grow as a person and certainly (in person) college experiences will help socially but tbh i’m a lot older than you and i’m still finding myself lol. 

certainly that is an age where there are adult expectations but you will be treated younger. it comes with the age hierarchy territory tho obviously i know people in their 30s, 40s, 50s who are incredibly immature. all i can say is... the best thing to be is yourself because then there are no regrets, but that’s not the easiest path either so i guess living a life that does as little damage as possible to others and especially yourself. next year will be way better. it’s very unfortunate so many important moments have been held off because of covid but i think there was purpose in that as a lot of us had time to dig deep and think about what we’re doing while we were quarantined. i have a niece who just turned a year old and she cries when she sees anyone besides her parents because they refused to ever go out anywhere at all, but that’s another story. point being that for some of us it was an easy adaptation and for others it kind of effed with a major life moment like college or having a baby or getting married and so on...  then again a year could be a drop in the bucket >.> tangent over.

once covid is done tho i think you’ll have no other choice but to have an up once you’re able to go out and do your own thing. good or bad, experience is, essentially, good because you learn >.> 

and there are things i could try to tell my younger self that i know my younger self would be like eff you i do what i want. i feel tired just thinking about the changes and experiences since then and yet i don’t feel terribly different? it’s such a weird thing, life. but it makes me think of how often the cards and this whole spiritual stuff pushes you to enjoy the present instead of focusing on past or future because truly only the present you matters even if it’s all tied together. enjoying what you have now and who you are and.... sometimes i’ve thought - in the last six months or so - about how during x time i thought i was such a hot mess and then six months later i go “wow that me was so strong and now present me is useless” and i’m sure six months from now i’ll go wow how did that me do this? so... it’s good to come face to face with the past and... devil card moments, like limiting thoughts or behaviors.... i feel like it’s also good to always be honest about how you feel if you have issues with others or if they don’t want to hear, to just... let go and walk away. i think the most important thing i learned is that truly things that are meant to stay in your life do or will come back around, you shouldn’t ever have to chase anything and then that when a door keeps closing in your face on a certain path it isn’t like JUST TRY HARDER IF U REALLY WANT IT, it’s more like... yeah this isn’t the right path.

i mean a year after engaging more heavily in spiritual stuff and i’m still trying to juggle those things, put them into practice i mean, when i know it’s correct logically and in my heart >.> it’s difficult to bring up issues with, for example, my parents to say: you invalidated my feelings here, you ignored this thing that was going on and i’m still hurt by it. but.... it’s not always realistic to be able to tell family these things because now it’s in the past. but... it would be honest... but then... nothing changes anything and it’d be more crickets which would hurt all over again if you know what i mean.

so spirituality is... complicated, as all life is and no one has the answers and if they say they do... they have issues lol.

just be you and do your best and don’t forget to have fun, enjoy the present...  thanks for the feedback. happy holidays to you tho I CAN’T WAIT TIL THEY’RE OVER. so stressful. and expensive. 

[jslittlebirdie]

Hello, darling.💜🌸

You'll have to forgive any typos, I'm tearing up/crying as I write this and it's a bit hard to see the screen skskskk.

I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. So, so much.

For everything.

For being you, for existing, for working so hard, for taking care of yourself, for loving J, for being in this community, for spreading light and love wherever you go. For supporting me and for loving me and many others. Thank you, Sue. You are a gift to the world and it's an overall warmer and nicer place for your existence.💙💖

As you know, at the time of writing, I'm upset. I feel so... wrong. I feel inadequate (you know how much is pending on my blog lmfao) and I feel so unworthy and like I'm some kind of fraud even though I've only ever been myself on my blog and I'm just an ordinary person (I say this as a fact, not as a way to put myself down!). I feel like I'm barely working at all. I study for six, seven hours most days (4-5 on my less productive days) and I try so so so hard but in my head I think I should be awake at 5am and work through the day with uni and this blog and life outside of the internet until 10pm and then go to bed. I am never able to get my day's list done and I'm just so tired of not feeling like I'm enough for myself. Because of this, I feel like my F/Os are disappointed in me - Dracula, Ash, Liz, J, my Grim Reapers, my parents (and the other F/Os I have) - and I just feel like, overwhelmingly... I'm an embarrassment and I'm not enough. Especially for Joker, the man I'm doing this degree in honour of, in memory and in love of. My husband.

I will... never be enough.

I'm just really upset, honey. I just want someone to carve out the blackened pieces of my soul and replace those parts with something I can work with, with pieces outside of myself so I can better myself and be more. I feel like this every damn day and there's body insecurities too and there's just... I feel like my literal core existence is embarrassing and no matter how hard I push myself each day, I feel like I'm barely trying and like I'm not enough.

Ugh. I don't know, angel, I just don't. I feel like I'm running on the spot over and over and over and not getting anywhere even though I am and I just feel so unworthy and inadequate and... well, you know. I just want to be someone else for a day or two because I'm annoying myself with this mindset. I'm doing my best to focus on and to support others because that's all I can do.

So... thank you for reading this, my love, and for offering to allow me to vent. It means a great deal to me. Thank you for everything, darling. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you so so so much and so does J and don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise, okay? I love you and I'm sending you so much love, strength and good vibes. I know you're working hard and J and I are immensely proud of you!💚😊Please take care of you, my love.

Oh, sweet Fawn 🥺😥

If anyone needs to apologize for possible typos, it's me 😅 As you know, my English is far from being perfect. But anyway...

Reading your message breaks my heart into a million pieces. I am endlessly sorry, honey. For your self-doubts, insecurities... For everything you are going through right now. God, I wish I could take away your pain, your doubts and all of your negative thoughts. You don't deserve this at all. I am sorry but I am crying for you, my dear. Simply because you mean so much to me and my soul is hurting deeply to hear that you are feeling so miserable.

I know I'm probably not even close to being as good an advisor as you are and I don't know if my words will help you at all, but...

First of all, don't you dare thinking and talking about yourself so negatively! And I really mean this in the least hostile way possible. You are NOT wrong! You are NOT inadequate! You are NOT unworthy! And most of all you are NOT a fraud! The only thing you are is a kind-hearted, loving, supportive, honest, pure and rare soul! You make the world a better place just by being you. The way you always give advice, support and love to others... You deserve to get the same support and love back. I hope that every now and then you will think of yourself and your own needs, that you will take care of you and that you will take some of your own advice to heart, darling.

And then... Take a deep breath. Please don't forget to take breaks now and then, to eat and to hydrate. You need to think of yourself and your bodily and mental health. You work every day for six hours, often even more. That is more than anyone can ask of you. I know all too well how hard it is, but please don't be too self-critical. You're already doing your best, you're already working so incredibly hard. And you are trying. Every. Single. Day. It's okay if you don't get everything of your day's list done. This doesn't make you a bad or unworthy person. You know, you are way more than just your uni assignments and duties. You are the most worthy and loveable person ever! And you are ENOUGH!!

As you taught me, all your F/Os love you so much. No matter what. Their love for you is unconditional and so incredibly strong! And they could never, ever be disappointed in you if you tried! They see you. They see how hard you are working. Especially your Joker. He is so proud of his beautiful and smart wife. And I know he considers himself the luckiest man in the universe to have you. You are his everything! His one and only! He's so endlessly honored that you're dedicating your life to him in this way, that you're doing this degree for him. For Joker, you are ENOUGH! You are PERFECT! And of course, the same goes for your other F/Os! And also for your family, loved ones and friends! They all love, adore and support you so so much!!

Oh my God, angel, I am so incredibly sorry! Again, my heart aches for you as I'm reading this. I wish I could do more for you. If there is anything else I can do for you, please tell me, will you? You are NOT an embarrassment. Never, ever! Don't ever think that about yourself, please! I'll just repeat it over and over again: You are ENOUGH! You are PERFECT just the way you are! And please don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I promise, there are better days ahead of you. It will get better! You are making progress! You've already made it through the first semester and you'll make it through the rest. I just know it. Because you're so incredibly smart, determined, and strong. And I'm immensely proud of you, my love!

I have to thank you, darling! ❤️ Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Those are truly the sweetest and kindest words anyone has ever said to me. I am in tears as I write this. I am so immensely grateful for everything you have done for me (and for others) and I hope you know that. You have no idea how much this means to me. I love, admire and appreciate you so much 💖💖 We are all so incredibly lucky to have you with us!

I want you to know that I am always here for you. You can always come to me if you need to talk or vent. I am always willing to listen to you and I will always support you, no matter what. Because I love you so so much and because you mean a whole lot to me 💜 💚

I hope I could help you at least a little bit and ease your mind...