#i'm really telling on myself hhhh

[beneaththebrim]

WIP Wednesday: dihua wedding chamber banter

this will probably be the last WIP snippet i post from the stabmarriage fic (dihua server collab with @/sumeriasmith), because if all goes according to plan, i should finish drafting this fic in a couple days! and then move on to drafting some shorter fics for mlc week while this one spends time fermenting

this excerpt is rated M (they just bathed and are not wearing clothes)

“Li Xiangyi, you like being taken, but do you really like being desired?”

“Hmm?” Li Lianhua worked at the ends of his hair before slowly making passes higher. “Mm, in the past, perhaps too much. I’d slice myself into whatever shape I thought would make people want me. Not just sexually. I suppose I sliced myself unrecognizable; I’ve become rather allergic to other people’s desire.”

“Not to me; not to mine.”

Li Lianhua sighed. “Yet you recognize me as the same young fool I was, as if I hadn’t changed in ten years time.”

“You’ve changed. But you’re also the same. If you remembered the same Li Xiangyi I remember, you’d see it clear as day.”

Li Lianhua lifted his head from the task of his hair to look over at Di Feisheng, a smile in his eyes. Out of the blue, he said, “Lao-Di, would that I could wear your voice as a cloak around me; I’d never suffer another cold night.”

Di Feisheng felt heat rising to his cheeks. He lowered his head with his hands clasped behind his back, hardly hiding the smile that tugged at his lips. His pupils flicked back up just in time to see the cheeky grin on Li Lianhua’s face.

“Well,” Li Lianhua continued, “If I recall correctly, you don’t like being called pretty, so I have to resort to other ways to fluster you.”

“You can call me pretty if you like.” Di Feisheng lifted his head back up. “But who’s flustered? I was just thinking about how back then I ought to have kidnapped you away from all those hypocrites and sycophants in your sect and made you my wife.”

Li Lianhua averted his eyes and scratched his nose. The influx of inner force had already brought new radiance to his skin, but after Di Feisheng said this, the terminally thick-faced Miracle Doctor Li’s cheeks flushed red as haw. All he could do was pertly swish the dry, combed half of his hair over his shoulder so Di Feisheng couldn’t see.

“Interesting.” Di Feisheng looked him up and down—down, where the thinner ends of hair couldn’t quite shield the other man’s arousal. “Don’t tell me…” He stepped forward, winding a thick hank of that hair around his fist. “…That that’s something you fantasized about back then?”

Li Lianhua kept periodically coating the comb in oil and passing it through the still-damp locks on the left side of his head.

“Of course not. Li Xiangyi was far too uptight to think of consorting with the jianghu’s number one evil fiend in such a way.”

Di Feisheng smirked. He could feel himself hardening, and gave himself a few encouraging strokes. “Mm, and what would the jianghu’s number one evil fiend do to you?” Li Xiangyi’s hair was dry enough; Di Feisheng took the comb from his grasp and threw it aside. “Seal your martial abilities and lock you up so you wouldn’t see anyone except for him, when he came down at night to force himself on you?”

He loomed in to grind against him.

“You must have been disappointed when you actually met me.”

[dredshirtroberts]

i'm remembering why i don't stay on dating apps for long and why i have a hard time making connections with folks in general. if i have to teach one more fucking person about polite conversation with people you do not know yet, i swear to GOD.

[meephisto-underscore]

something that's been driving me insane lately is the theory that Wukong didn't kill Macaque in the lmk universe

Macaque clearly thinks otherwise and we know they fought because there have been constant mentions of it

but i don't think Wukong dealt the killing blow

when LBD recounts Mac's death, the shot of Wukong just changes to this, where Macaque is bound by blue chains and we all know blue isn't exactly Wukong's color

but i think this is something that's been brought up a lot before so i'm here to bring up smth else!!

and that is the very different ways Wukong reacts to seeing Macaque and Azure Lion

when Wukong goes to save MK in s1, he just seems annoyed and angry. the first thing he tells Macaque is "Are you ever going to get sick of living in my shadow?" which just does not sound like something you'd say to someone you supposedly killed. he also does not look surprised or concerned at all

to add to this, Wukong never really mentions the fact that Macaque died

on the other hand, in the final scene with Azure, when Azure says "It's the whole reason I'm here at all!", Wukong responds with "Wait, how are you here? I put you in the underworld myself, how'd you get out? How'd you get the scroll?"

so. yeah.

HHHH I WANT ANSWERS MAN

[skitty-kirby]

Good luck reading my chickenscratch

I know I said I'd take a break from drawing but honestly this gave me something to distract myself with while I wait on my dentist appointment, wisdom teeth ain't letting up hhhh (which in case, is why this was kinda lazily made LMAO) Nevertheless! A few days ago I saw quite a few folk's headcanon/stylized designs for these two and I definitely wanted to hop on that train. I'm a bit basic in that I really just see Sword and Blade as whatever species a couple of the anime-exclusive characters are, given the incredibly similar anatomy. I played around with that as to hopefully make them more expressive- And as you can tell by the accents, I shamelessly love the dub versions. xD I'm really happy with how Sword's design came out but Blade may be subject to minor changes in the future as I try to figure some stuff out- glad to see so much love for these guys y'all <3

[bonesandthebees]

I keep doomscrolling twt I should really delete it again I think it is frying my brain ohmygod

It's just so easy to get sucked in and I don't know what else to do w this restless energy and just like. Anger and sadness that this situation is giving me

Normally I'm way better at just. Turning my phone off. But I think I'm just so hurt? By everything that I just keep getting sucked in by other people's anger too and I'm like. Never angry LMFAO I am never angry so idk what to do with these emotions if that makes sense

I also don't want to delete twt rn bc I'm like. So scared of new info coming out wout me knowing LMFAO even tho ik my friends will tell me but I just wanna be up to date so hhhh but yeah maybe I will. Just delete. So I don't doom spiral LMAO

no literally I spent practically the entire day just flipping between tumblr and twitter tumblr and twitter tumblr and twitter and quite literally felt my brain being fried

I had that same restless energy so I made myself sign up for a yoga class and went to it and honestly that helped so much. didn't look at my phone for an hour and just focused on my body and my breathing. I felt so much more relaxed afterwards. obviously not everyone can just go to a yoga class but I recommend finding something else to do. make yourself drive somewhere, or throw your phone across the room, or shut your phone off completely, just anything to try and get you out of it for a bit. honestly deleting twitter sounds like a great idea. I get the fear but it might be better to just bite the bullet to get yourself out of the loop

it's okay to be angry and upset right now we all are, but it's also so easy to get sucked into everyone else's anger as well. it creates this neverending feedback loop where you get angry and everyone else is angry and seeing them angry makes you more angry and just- it's not good

take care of yourself icy <33

[felixwaffling]

Totally different vibe but I'm gay and thinking so much about him. This post might get nsfw, folks.

I'm smitten. Sure we have our problems, I mean, of course we do, he's dating ME- But FUCK, man. It's like how I felt with Alex except Victor is a good person who actually loves me. He's way stronger than me, which makes me SHAKE bro. He could hurt me if he wanted to, but he's so nice. He calls me things that have me on my fucking knees.

Like. Hooooly shit I can't wait til I get a chance to meet him in person bc when I say I'm gonna do whatever he wants... I MEAN WHATEVER. Like. I will be incapable of saying no. I will be pathetic.

Imagine if we meet in a bar and I get super drunk and kiss him dude that- HGJDHDBFHFHD.

I want him. I want him ON ME. I legit- like. I'm acespec, sex repulses me, the thought of being touched is so scary, but like I'd let him be all over me if he actually wanted me. I'd let him do ANYTHING.

I am so fucking attracted to this guy, and we have so much in common that some days we do nothing but play video games for literally the whole day together... We play almost every night and he puts up with my drunk nonsense, he doesn't complain <333

I wish I could tell him about the shit I'm into bc the only way this could get better is if I get proper dominated man I'm- I'm weak, I'm small, I like hiding behind people and letting them make all the decisions. I'm a dog for this man. I'm property.

FUCK I am drunk rn and if any of my friends find this I'm going to be humiliated beyond belief, they don't-

Nobody knows how much I want this man to fuck me and it weighs heavy, like, I don't even think he knows how I'd kill for him to both absolutely wreck me AND baby me.

Bc on one hand. I'm a little baby. I'm pure. I'm innocent. Treat me like a little goober and hold me and. IDK FUCK MAYBE I JUST HAVE DADDY ISSUES BC I THINK IM ASKING FOR A DILF-

... but on the other hand, I'm a bad person, I'm the worst, I'm whatever villain you need me to be just PLEASE put me in my fucking place I *WANT* you to punish me I'm like literally asking for it, I'm doing shit that gets on ur nerves bc I wanna be RAILED man I WOULD BE SO MUCH LESS ANNOYING IF YOUD JUST SLAM ME AGAINST THE WALL AND BREAK ME WHEN IM A LITTLE BITCH

HhHh.

I still can't believe I'm saying all this shit

I'm beyond wasted. Like. Intoxicated moreso than usual. Typing this so far has taken an HOUR and I got sad halfway through out of humiliation and went to write that first post. But even through all the drinking, all I can really think about is being pinned to his bed 👉👈,,,

,,, it's not just sex either bc I want kisses. Neck kisses. Like. Damn. I want him to hold me from behind. I want to cling to him. Hide my face against him. If he touched my face I would do the fucking meme thing and refuse to let go of his hand. I want to snuggle against him and just. Disappear for a while.

.... I want to cry myself to sleep in *his arms* instead of on my own. I hug my pillows and try desperately to pretend they're him. I see him when I fall asleep, when I'm alone, when I'm sad... when I'm fucking suicidal the thing that stops me is that then I'd have to wait who KNOWS how long for him to live out his own life, and that I might have to watch him fall in love with someone else (the worst thing ever)

If. If I ever lost him idk what I'd do because fuck dude. He's everything. Victor is my world. I want to meet him.

.... I also want him to control every aspect of my life and tell me what to do bc without guidance I drown. Ppl might think it'd be toxic, but I think I need that in my life. I hate making decisions. I want to sit quietly and let him think, bc I'm bad at thinking, and thinking overwhelms me. I want him to hide me behind him and be the one to handle the world so that I can just be *his.*

UGH. THIS IS THE HORNIEST, SAPPIEST FUCKING POST IVE EVER MADE EVER.

[sugoi-writes]

FUCK. I WROTE PART NINE AND HAD IT ALL READY TO GO AND THEN MY KID GOT HER HANDS ON MY PHONE AND CLOSED THE APP. THANK LUCIFER I HAD THE FIRST HALF SAVED AS A DRAFT BUT STILL. OTL sending this separate because I was paranoid she'd do it again and I would have to write the second part a third time 😭 also realizing I forgot to put my sig at the bottom of Pt.9

..... Annnnd of course, after pressing send I remember that I forgot to rewrite the part where reader chokes Alastor when they cum. just shoot me holy motherfucking shit

At some point I'mma just make these into a full blown PWP fic. It seems like they get longer with each installment 🤣 (I'm sorry btw, I always feel kinda bad whenever I leave long messages in anyone's inbox 😫

AYEEEE WELL YA KNOW WHAT THEY SAY - GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE!! 😘❤️‍🔥

It's a fitting pet name Hunny Pun! You're the queen of puns and you're so so SO sweet like a Honey Bun! is that icing or Alastor's jizz on you??? ... im so sorry i'll see myself out again 😭 CAN'T FIND AND KISS ME IF I FIND AND KISS YOU FIRST BABES~! ❤️❤️❤️

I can't hold on to my anonymity anymore guys so I'mma be making Pt.10 my reveal post~ it's killing me that I can't leave rabid fangirl messages on your works like you all do here for me! I really did wanna wait until I got the Smutmus Holy Trinity complete or at least in the revision stages but just- GAH! I NEED YALL TO KNOW HOW AMAZING I THINK YOU ARE. Beautiful beautiful minds, inside and out i can't even-!

Seriously though, I can't even begin to express how grateful and happy I am to have met any of you! And there are no words in the English dictionary (or any at all really) that I could use to describe what I feel about how accepting and supportive you've been! I could NEVER thank yall enough for helping me to find the joy in writing again. I love all three of you so much and I'm honored to call you friends!! 🥺🥰💋

- ☄️❤️ Smut Santa

False Alarm for the Next Part!! And honestly, thank God, the vibe is still not charged HAH--

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry that happened to you!! I had a similar experience when writing my part 2 to my Nun! Alastor fic. Fun fact: had to re-write it 5 times because I kept forgetting to save it. ;;_;; hhhh my baby fever is so bad I'm crying, but man, KIDS! What a little stinker 🥹❤️

Also, my ask box is usually super empty? Like, you could LICK the floor with how neat and empty it is? I LOVE messages? Even better if they long like Alastor's girthy fucking co--

We--We were- when we??? ALASTOR GETS--??? MY HANDS AROUND HIS???

*Danny.Exe has experienced an Error*

*Rebooting*

OKAY IM BACK--

☄️❤️Anon... babycakes. At this rate I'm gonna do more than fucking kiss you. I think we're past that now. And if you keep calling me 'Hunny Pun', or similar pet names, I'm just gonna jump your bones--

Hug you!!!! I meant hug you!!!

It's Alastor's jizz. It's canon-- NO DONT LEAVE I NEED TO KNOW HOW I GOT IT ON MY FAAAAAAACE

GUYS CODE TREAT, CODE TREAT, THE ANON VEIL IS DROPPING!!! ITS DROPPING DHDHDJDHDJ-- You will never gain a mutual as fast as you will then I SWEAR

☄️❤️!!! Smut Santaaaaa! 🥹😭❤️ Your mind is a beautiful, smutty, enchanting place!!! Knowing that you've been religiously cranking this out, while also having a kiddo... Seriously, how do you do it??? If anyone deserves the praise rn, 🎵it's you??? It's you, ITS ALWAYS YOU!!🎵 ❤️❤️❤️

Don't push yourself too hard! Please? ❤️ I will treasure these rare, scrumptious little treats for as long as I have brain cells left ❤️ I will call you friend until you tell me to quit or I lose my voice for good. And even then, my lips will keep moving and repeating the same thing until I'm blue in the face. ❤️❤️❤️ you are such a sweet, sweet, soul, and I can feel your vibes, and they are so wholesome! I can't wait to meet the person or sexual fiend behind it all! I feel like I speak for us all, and not just the main 3, but EVERYONE: everyone who has read your posts love you to bits. And they love your work to bits. Best believe when you publish your first work, we'll be there. En masse. And we will be EAGERLY returning the love you surprised us with.

Thank you for all that you do. On this post in particular, you deserve a foot rub, a forehead kiss, and a hug that lifts and spins you off your feet! 💗💗💗

Have a blissful, best of days you can have, dear! You deserve it! 💗

[oh-snapperss]

laughing, giggling, kicking my fits ohh my fuckingg god i can't get enough! so, im writing it while im reading sooo just keep that in mind why i might not grab all of the stuff quicly.

okay, so, first of all, it really pains me to see how etho thinks he NEED to be useful. like it's such a basic thing, but i really need him to lie down and take a breath. the whole scene after the advisor's meeting left something in my chest and i really can't explain what exactly, certainly not the bad thing! but the whole premiss, this deep feeling of "i'll do anything you'll tell me". aaaand ren is lifthing etho up. okay, my brain short-circuited just now ma gad.(i don't exactly remember my previous ask and idk if you saw it, but it was something along the line, that for ren etho is becoming the reason to continue fighting AND IDK I MIGHT BE WRONG or i might see what i want and not what both of you wanted to say, but oh my god i see it so clearly now). for etho it was near religious experience, but for ren etho is the human ever, not in way "just another one", but in a "the human". etho is so alive and ren want to keep it that way to hide him from harm. omg pov switch im dying. i cannot express how much i feel reading rens part. im not joking. and it echoes so much with what i said about how human etho is in rens eyes. :( "good night, my lord Ren" im jumping into the river. "There is no one to see the love on his face" im drowning. i would comment on chess part but i am in the river, drowned. sry. "I'm calling you, Ren, a liar" millions cheered. but i am so afraid of where this all going, seriously. the whole wine scene was so,,, peaceful, it was so soft and it felt like home, i smiled like an idiot reading it. :( "hes someone has king's eyes" is such i simple phrase yet i can't think about anything anymore. OHH etho want his walls back, he want to see ren the king, because it is so so much to see just ren. because it is hard, because they both want more so bad, but just can't. the final part is something so big i cannot express.

im so fucking sorry for this 400 words essay, honestly, but oh my god this is too good, this is amazing work and you both are so talented and good with your words it never ceases to amaze me.

ALRIGHT i'm gonna try and respond to this so osososoosoooo normally

first of all you're so right. etho so needs to sit down and breathe but he's so very lost in the fact he's meant to serve and die he can't stop enough to rest:D

ren lifting etho up was by far one of the gayest things i've ever seen written with my two eyes<33 (theo wrote that) and i remember looking at the words and looking at the call and then going YOU WANT ME TO FOLLOW THAT UP?? and then i made it gayer myself so. WOO

you're absolutely so so so right about that point!! i just now got to answer it but you hit the nail on the head with it and i'm honestly floored by how you said it!!

the scene with ren carrying him back was also one of the gayest things i've ever written or seen!! honestly the majority of the fic is like this LMAOOOO

"his someone has the king's eyes" was a fun phrase to think of!! that section where etho talks about what he wants to do after the war made both of us cry, and the ending to the chapter was. hhhh made me cry writing it /pos KSJDHFSKHFJD

thank you SO much for this ask dude holy shit!!!

[salaapaoo]

it's been a while since i've been on here!! I've been p busy w school >< but i got tagged !! by @fanfiction-artist-prototype for 20 questions!! 1. how many works do you have on ao3? I have 16! but a bunch of wips hidden in my docs hehe 2. what's your total ao3 word count?

144,014!! I feel proud bc it's been,,, almost a year since i started?? I haven't really had time to write lately though :<

3. what fandoms do you write for? hmm... only lcf so far, but i wanted to write for sss class revival hunter !! but i need to catch up and brain rot harder!!!

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

young master, you dumb bitch

puppy teeth

in the comfort of death

death's little reaper

teeny tiny trouble

5. do you respond to comments? why/why not?

I usually do!! I feel kind of bad tho bc I see comments and then tell myself that i'd just respond later, but then forget.... hhh i will respond to them eventually ;;

6. what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hm.. there's only a few that are done... so i guess i'll say what i think will have the angstiest once i'm done?? I think it might be between mr forgettable, witcher's calamity, or comfort of death???

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhm.... i feel like a lot of mine don't really have happy endings??? hhh

8. do you get hate on fics?

no ! i'm really happy with that! i feel like the fandom is really nice tho heh

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind? :] yes,,, uh theres.. some out there

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one?

i don't write crossovers hhh mostly because i would worry about trying to keep even more charas in character ;; brain too rotten w lcf

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of ??

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yeah! i had one translated into russian!! that reminds me,, i should probably add a link to that to the summary or smth ghksjhg

13. have you ever co-written a fic?

hmmm officially on ao3, no, but i would consider a lot of my fics cowritten w my friends because would end up brainrotting together so hard that it would end up mostly written!! so if i end up writing it, i usually end up dedicating it to them or smth

14. what's your all time fave ship?

hmmm,,, im not too picky??? i usually like eating them all

15. whats a wip you want to finish but doubt you will?

hmm... im a bit worried about finishing comfort of death ?? i want to finish them all!! but for comfort of death i'm a bit worried because i know how i want it to end but the in between hhhh uughgggh having to connect it ughghghg we're still far out!!

16. what are your writing strengths?

my friend said that my writing felt nostalgic and like heheh that makes me feel proud!! smth abt how i desc scenes, so i think that's a thing i'm really proud of !!

17. writing weaknesses?

i think the fact that i don't like rereading is a big weakness because i'll read it again after a long ass time and then see so many errors!! I think i have a lot of run on sentences, too!!

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? i don't think i'm too confident on writing dialogue in another language!! I would probably just put it in italics and say its being done hhh or if i do, then i'd want it checked by someone who speaks it

19. first fandom you wrote for?

lcf!

20. fav fic you've ever written?

mmmm that's hard... but i think i'm really attached to like, teeny tiny trouble or maybe witcher's calamity? theres a few hidden ones that i'm actually really attached to !! i hope to have more time to write soon!!

-

tagging

@vveirdnobdy uuh,,, idk who to tag??? whoever wants to join?

[viktortittiforov]

I TELL MYSELF I NEVER WANT TO START FANDOM BEEF AND EVERYONE IS ALLOWED TO DO + LIKE WHATEVER AND LIKE ON ONE HAND YES GO FOR IT HAVE FUN AND I'M NOT GOING TO SAY PEOPLE ARE BAD FOR LIKING OR DOING SOMETHING WITHIN A FANDOM CONTEXT BUT I ALSO HAVE SO MANY THOTS AND ONIONS.........

HHhh it frustrates my lil genderqueer self to no end when people see fanart of yuuri looking confident and go like "omg i love how manly he looks here, so hot [heart eyes]"..... like i agree confident yuuri is hot (yuuri is just hot in general but i'm biased) but do we have to bring manliness into it do we HAVE to?? especially when a significant part of his arc is also like, him figuring out his relationship to (arguably hegemonic, normative, "playboy") masculinity and exploring his femininity and accepting that he doesn't really vibe with normative gender roles?? does confidence have to mean manliness??? why are we conflating it? the equation that confident=manly=attractive rlly bothers me lol. as if genderqueer or gender nonconforming men aren't attractive psh..... I DON'T KNOW I JUST FEEL LIKE IT REALLY GOES AGAINST A BIG PART OF YOI'S MESSAGE AKSDHFGFJFH THE GENDERQUEERNESS/GENDER NONCONFORMITY OF (SOME OF) THE CHARACTERS AND ESPECIALLY YUURI AND VITYA IS SO IMPORTANT TO MEEEEE

(to clarify, the same thing would bother me if people were saying it about viktor but a) this was prompted by me seeing people saying that about yuuri in the notes of an otherwise cute fanart post and b) i feel that w him this (or a similar) equation is usually made less overtly (though no less frustratingly). i think what happens in his case is that some people (probably?? this is my impression) think that a "manly" representation of viktor is just a normal representation of viktor (=is the way he is in canon), so they don't explicitly comment on it. that makes it less noticeable, but as i said, no less frustrating for me bcs i'd say it flattens his character and erases/dismisses his genderqueer ways aksdjfhfkddlsflgdhkhf;fsfg let vitya and yuuri be fruity and gnc i am. beggign......)

[lalunanymph]

You listen here, you lil bitch. I fucking love you.. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

I actually waited for you to fall in love with Satoru, I really did. And to finally read your work about him since Entagled… dear lord, how happy I am.

I am always a sucker for your work Dawny, I just love how your writing resonates so much with me. It feels home, it feels cosy and dreamy!

Thank you for writing I THINK I'M LOST AGAIN, it was fun reading it. I cant wait for the continuity of this story if you ever decide to write this masterpiece!!

“From the fall of your hair to how the sunset looked painted across your skin, the foolish skip of his heart was a bigger sign of his crumbling feelings than any other emotion you might have elicited in him.” --- girl, lemme tell you, i keep rereading this just to feel loved, again and again lmaoooooo

“That you didn’t hear how he broke down in the emergency room, screaming his head off with blood on his hands.” --- low key lost here, why there's blood on his hands?? (also low key, wanna keep myself surprised tehehehehehe)

I am very very glad to know that this isn’t a typical cheating fic <3

thanks for feeding me Dawn sayang!

-your fan

you had me in the first half ngl 🖐🏼 but i read this and was like .... phew, it's not hate hhhh

i honestly feel so bad hoarding ur ask but i think this moment is the right time to answer it what with the world ending (jjk manga leaks) </3 truly feel like smacking myself for falling in love with that white-haired loser at such a shitty time omg

BUT thank you so much you are so kind i am crying in the back sobbing about how much u guys seemed to love this liddol new series :') i do plan on continuing ITILA and finishing the second chapter once i have a bit more free time <3

[go-to-the-mirror]

March, 2023

I MEANT TO DRAW SOMETHING HHHH

Istg, if the only art I make for this whole relisten is for fatigue I'm gonna cry.

Anyway, 152 time!! I love 152, I love Jon and Helen, I love the parallels, I'm excited, ohhh this is so cool we're heading to like fantastic episode WAY TOO MANY NOTES ones really quickly (too quickly, i want to draw something for 160) and yeah! Yeah! Oh god it's almost season 5.

Below is a mixture of amazing words - mostly Jonny's /j (i have some as well) - and rambling. I love this statement so. much. now.

@a-mag-a-day!!!

I'm putting a content warning for I think it's unreality, cause I talk a bit about... not being able to trust yourself, and that could be... not grand for some people.

Statement of Hezekiah Wakely, regarding his career as a gravedigger. Compiled from a series of letters to Nathaniel Beale between 1837 and 1839. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, the Archivist.

Who's Nathaniel Beale? I feel like I've seen his name before. Unless, of course, it's another Michael situation. There's... Nathaniel Thorp and Nathaniel Lukas. Hmm.

I’ve been installed here some weeks now, and I’m finding myself well-contented, my sexton duties keeping my time employed such as I scarce have a chance to allow myself those dark thoughts that so concerned you when last we visited.

What thoughts, I wonder. It probably mentions it further along, but I haven't really paid attention to this statement enough to be sure. For a while I thought it was "A Gravedigger's Entry".

The Lord gave him that voice for a purpose, no doubt – but sometimes that purpose does feel like it might be providing me a few minutes of unearned slumber

Hehe

My troubled sleep, on the other hand, has not, of yet, resolved itself in any way to my satisfaction. I work myself to exhaustion, cleaning, polishing and looking after the church proper, and I tell you, when I lie abed I can scarce rise again for the weakness I leave myself in. And yet, sleep still eludes me.

Heh, real. I too cannot sleep.

I’ve never quite known a rest like it. Perhaps it is the harder, more physical aspect of the task, or perhaps the quiet rhythm of it. There’s no echo as there is in the church, just the sound of pick and shovel hitting dirt. And when it’s deep enough, when you stand at the bottom, the noise of the world just… fades away to nothing. It is the sort of quiet that makes you feel as though the commotion and hubbub of life were but a terrible dream, and in sleeping you were waking up to peace.

BLANKETS ARE NOT ENOUGH I NEED TO BE BURIED ALIVE

That just sounds so?? Nice??? HHhnhnmhn

There is such peace in the churchyard, you see: to walk atop the soil knowing that, deep below my feet, those blessed souls wait happy and silent in the cool, damp earth, counting the days until the Resurrection. It gives me such warmth to think of that I have taken to spending much of my unoccupied time wandering the graves, and, where the mood allows me, taking my sleep there.

That is creepy, but like... I mean... I can understand it? It's nice to be outside in nights that aren't too cold, it's nice to sleep under the stars, the creepy part is the fact that it's a graveyard, but that can be brushed aside.

But I do long for that rest. I tell myself I wake each day renewed, but I am never as truly satisfied as when I’m in my slumber, and insensible to the world.

This statement is making me want to go to sleep and/or be buried in the dirt.

I do find, however, that when I dig my graves, I have been going deeper. And at times, I worry I might dig so far as I can no longer get out with my meager ladder. Now, those moments – you must not cast judgment on me for this, Nathaniel, for it is simply a passing fancy – but I will often lie myself down on that soft earth, and I will sleep. And I swear to you that the sleep I find there is more blissful than any I have ever found.

A Gravedigger's Envy? He's getting the nice grave sleep, I want the nice grave sleep, how is Jonny making grave sleep sound so appealing?

At least until a few feet down. But by the end of it… oh, I tell you there was warmth in that grave. Whether by my own body or the heat of the soil, I couldn’t say, but it was as comfortable as the fireplace of a public house, and the wind could not reach me in the hole that I had made.

I want that, I really want the grave sleep, that sounds so nice.

I had a dream, then. I dreamt a rain had come. A terrible bitter rain that chilled my bones and turned the soil around me dark and sodden. The walls grew damp and slippery, their firm shape lost as they began to slip and crumble. And then all at once they collapsed, the grave filling in a moment with a wave of mud and wet dirt. In a single terrible moment of utter terror, it was atop and around me, covering my face and filling my lungs with its awful choking sod. And the strangest thing was that it was wonderful. I had never felt such safety as within the crushing weight of earth all around me, the pressing embrace of the buried. In that instant I knew what it was to be dead, and I ached with envy for them.

Ok, hi, I saw a post, and I was thinking about the post, and I'm going to make a vague rebuttal (friendly-like, because they had good points). Hezekiah was afraid before the walls crashed around him. He was not afraid of some other terror, he was afraid of being buried - in the dead way or the forever deep below creation way... I don't know. Seems to be both, fear soup, remember.

The dreamers that have no idea what Smirke's fourteen is, or the supernatural, still affect the dream. Hezekiah associates being buried with being dead, and therefore the fears affect him as if being buried and being dead were similar things. I'm guessing quite a lot of people fear destruction and associate that with their fear of fire. Spiders and control for the aesthetic and also little bug guys fear being trapped when they're in a spider's web. People fear judgement when they're being looked at. (Speaking of, I swear at the shops today everyone was looking at me, like I saw them look at me, I felt their eyes on me, I associated this with the fear of judgement, and was appropriately spooked. What is this, episode 188 of The Magnus Archives?)

Anyway, back to this, Hezekiah's fear transformed into what Hezekiah became. Similarly, Martin - he was afraid of being alone, abandoned, and afraid of being found out. He became an "avatar" of The Lonely and The Eye. Also, would Martin's fear of being alone and being judged overlap, or feel similar? Is this why he gets both?

Mike was afraid of the part of The Twisting Deceit (The Spiral) that chased him, but he also had encounters with The Vast before Ex Altiora, he was afraid of the unfathomable power of that which chased him, he said that the form it took belonged to The Vast, the way he describes the pain of being struck by lightning - how it is so painful that to try to measure it is impossible. That's all pretty Vast-y to me.

Jane... Jane was afraid of the Hive. She didn't want it, she was afraid, she went to it... sure, she was lonely, but looking at her statement, how much of it is the Hive - if we're separating the two - and how much is Lonely? She talks of picking at her skin, of worms that emerged from the ground after rain, of an itch that called her to the attic, to the wasp's nest.

Sure, something chased them to becoming an Avatar, but I wouldn't go so far as to say it's "another fear" both because fear soup and because... a lot of their stories are about being repulsed and terrified by something, but getting so caught up in it that you forget that person who was scared, and you hurt others just how you've been hurt. Cycle of violence, babyyyy!

For an example, let's grab Peter and Martin. Peter's from the family of... basically a cult? Sure, he doesn't seem too bothered by it, but humans are social animals, and he was neglected for his whole childhood, that fucks people up @ the person who said yea Peter's childhood was actually fine. Then he becomes an avatar of the Forsaken and manipulates Martin into becoming an avatar of The Lonely in turn, who then - in the Eyepocolypse - hurts people in his domain. It's not one to one, but no analogies are.

I’ve been thinking, Nathaniel, of funerals and bodies. Souls that escape leaving this common clay to become one again with a truer clay. Were we not created from mud? And it seems more fitting to me that we should return forever to that mud, not pulled from it by some would-be Redeemer, or lifted to sing hosannas in his holy court. I’ve worked so long, so hard. Do I not deserve a rest in the mud from which I came? Commit my body to the earth and let it stay there. I’d do the same for you. For worship of the Most High - though it may be earned, perhaps, by He that made the heavens and the earth - well, to my mind, all that prayer still sounds a lot like work.

The difference between this and the beginning. Speedrunning his decent, as it were. The difference between envying the dead, and their rest before they go to Heaven, to wishing that when he leaves the world he stays in the ground. Hmmmm!!

But He is the son of God and we are merely sons of the dirt. We are not as strong as He is, and we deserve rest. We deserve to sleep.

The Buried oft represents being metaphorically under pressure, as Hezekiah is. He wishes to be Buried to finally rest from his work. That's interesting to me.

Also, feels sort of Flesh-y, but in a way where it's like... yes, soup, is not the fear of being one and the same as animals, as already being dead, as being from the earth and knowing one day you shall return all part of the same thing? Is that not a similar fear? Feels like one to me. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, that's about death, that's about the earth, are they not one and the same? We all come from the same earthen roots, people, animals, plants, everything, we are the same, and we will die the same.

I’ve been trying to sleep, but that bell kept ringing, the one over Jacob the baker’s grave. That nonsense safety valve the Reverend insisted on putting there, ringing and ringing, and disturbing the sleep of everyone in the churchyard. I’ve no doubt it disturbed Jacob as well, who worked so hard all his life and never thought to complain of his lot. He deserved to rest. So I cut the cord. And now he is quiet.

Oh, lord, he buried Jacob alive.

But I can see why he did it. He fears being away from the earth, he fears not being able to die, and so he sees it as saving Jacob and I understand that, I can understand that in his position, robbed of restful sleep, the grave being the only place where he can find his rest that he would do this.

I think this statement has just achieved the rank of "one of my favourites," because... that line. "He deserved to rest. So I cut the cord. And now he is quiet."

But worry not, Nathaniel. The love I bear you will not let me leave you ignorant. As I did with the Reverend, I will come and I will show you, once and forever, the true and glorious peace of the Buried.

Wow. Just... wow.

Nathaniel Beale is buried on the grounds of St. Peter’s Church in his hometown of Dunstable. And I am only the third person to know that in almost 200 years, after Nathaniel Beale himself, and Mr. Wakeley, the person who buried him.

Hey, we're still getting post-statement spookiness, but because everyone's just stopped doing work it's with Jon's eye spookiness.

I... wow.

I cannot tell how much of the change that comes over someone when they are taken by one of the Fears is a direct product of their influence, and how much is their own mind, desperately contorting itself to accept and justify the awful things they find themselves drawn to doing.

I have a really good quote that ties in with this, but it's only in the deluxe transcript of Hive (patreon exclusive transcripts that have Jon's notes and are canon, the Hive one is the most emotionally ruining of the ones out (1 - 33 as of 22/03/2023) so far), but I will say that his attitude towards them has changed significantly as he's... become one.

He called Jane Prentiss "the entity formerly known as Jane Prentiss" and now... hm...

It's interesting how his understanding or conception of avatars and the like changing over the seasons, and although season 4 doesn't have a lot of other avatar interactions... Jon's whole humanity thing, it's enough to make it my favourite season when it comes to this stuff.

I have read many statements now by those who are changing, who are becoming – something else, and few if any of them seem… entirely rational. Entirely the people that they were before.

GIDDY LEG WIGGLE LIKE HHJNNHNHEHN!!! Humanity and identity and monsterhood and trauma!!! The THEMES of this podded cast, I'm love, I'm love!

But how can I tell, I suppose. My job is to view people at their lowest, their most fearful and unstable moments. Perhaps there is less change there than I imagine. Certainly, I don’t feel different. I have no desire for pseudo-religious philosophizing, or delighting in the suffering of those I harm. Then again, I suppose I’m hardly in the best position to judge. Perhaps to anyone listening to these tapes I sound remarkably similar to Hezekiah. Or to Manuela. Or to Jane.

So, I talked about this to my (middlest) sister because sometimes when you're this excited about things you just have to talk to people, like actually talk, and I had some pretty good thoughts about rationality, about if you can know if you're a monster. If you're slipping and you can't trust your mind anymore, how can you trust your mind enough to know that you can't trust your mind? It's just, how can you know you're so far gone, if you can't trust you, then you can't trust trusting you, therefore you can never truly trust yourself, can you? Everything is your perception, and you will never know if you can trust that. You will only know that you can't.

I just think that it's very neat, the whole... everything, all of this, it's just really cool, like how would Hezekiah know he's wrong to be responsible for the death of Jacob, for the Reverend, for Nathaniel? Does he? How does Jon know if he's just like Hezekiah, how can you truly know yourself - or understand yourself? Oh boy, this is such a cool statement and post statement.

HELEN Hello, John. Been a while since you’ve been down here. ARCHIVIST (Impatient noise) I didn’t come here to see you. HELEN Oh, come now! I’m sure I’m more interesting company than the late Jane Prentiss. ARCHIVIST It’s all that’s left of her now – apart from a jar of ashes in my desk. Just a circle of rotten stone on an otherwise-unremarkable wall.

Is the circle of stone a mirror? Is the jar of ashes as much a part of you as your rib? What was she trying to achieve, you wondered so long ago and now you have the answer and you still don't know why... why she listened to the song in her dreams, why she scratched the itch, but then again, why did you?

HELEN (Cont.) Ah… But that’s not why you’re here, is it? ARCHIVIST Yeah. I’ve been thinking a lot about Jane. She was the first, you know. The first I actually encountered like… like us. She seemed so… inhuman. Like everything she used to be was stripped away. HELEN And now…? ARCHIVIST I wonder how much of her was still in there. How much did she choose to be what she was? I read her statement, she was… (inhale, exhale) she was scared. I assumed she’d been possessed completely against her will, but now I’m not even sure that’s possible. HELEN It is astounding the sort of thing you’re willing to choose – given an unpleasant enough alternative – isn’t it? ARCHIVIST How much of willpower is just – safety? “Comfort” by another name. The option to choose and be fine.

THEMES OF CHOICE AND HOW MUCH YOU'RE AFFORDED!!! God, I love this so much! I love how Jane Prentiss, our and Jon's conception of Jane Prentiss changes from season 1 to season 4. How it starts with her as an inhuman enemy, no longer the person she was, and changes to be... what was she, why did she chose this, who was she, she's humanised as Jon becomes a monster, knows her. Understands her.

She was scared.

Good lord.

And then Jon's line, "How much of willpower is just - safety. Comfort by another name. The option to choose and be fine." and that choice isn't really afforded to them, it's always these hard choices with one option that's like "at least you don't die", or live in fear, or whatever. The option to choose and be fine.

Themes. So many themes, I love this bloody podcast.

HELEN Hungry, are we? ARCHIVIST (Angrily) That’s not – – I haven’t done anything – HELEN – yet. ARCHIVIST (Roughly) I feel like if I don’t… I might die. Fade away into nothing. HELEN … Do you… Know that? ARCHIVIST No. But I… (frustrated noise) I can’t die. They need me. HELEN Come on, Jon, no excuses. (The Archivist sighs.) HELEN (Cont.) They don’t need your protection.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY, JUST PODDED CAST!!

ARCHIVIST When does it stop? HELEN (Impatient) What? ARCHIVIST The guilt. The misery. All the others I’ve met, they’ve been – cold, cruel. They’ve enjoyed what they do. When does the Eye (inhale) make me monstrous? (Helen laughs.) HELEN What – why would it ever do that? ARCHIVIST I don’t… HELEN When has your guilt, or your sadness, or your handwringing ever actually stopped you from doing what it wants? ARCHIVIST (Stammering) I-I – I have not been taking statements – HELEN You’ve sworn of other people’s trauma for now because you’re caught. Because continuing would endanger you. But other than that, when has your discomfort ever actually stopped you walking the path of the Beholding? ARCHIVIST I… I don’t know… HELEN Even if it were capable of doing so, what possible reason would the Eye have to change how you feel, when it makes no difference to your actions? Helen was like you, at first. She felt such guilt over taking people. Until one day she realized she wasn’t going to stop doing it. So she chose to stop feeling guilty.

OK FIRST OF ALL SOMETHING I CAN DEAL WITH, SIMILARITIES AND DIFFERENCES BETWEEN JON AND HELEN! Helen went to Jon for help with the guilt, and Jon turned her away because he was scared of what he was becoming. Jon asks Helen when the Eye makes him monstrous and she says no, it's not the Eye that'll do that, it's you. You have to decide to stop feelings guilty about the monstrous things you're doing.

Secondly, *gestures* yeah fr fr! I don't even... I just need to listen to this over and over and have it burned into my mind please :3.

Yeah, well, wow! Yeah! For real for real, this is just like 111, I'm discovering a new love for this statement, I need to make a new "holy shit tma" playlist because. Wow. Wow! Mhm hm! WOw!!! Uhh, well, uhm.

Your most humble servant,

landscaping-your-mind

[tartar-sous]

hi ! feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but what is the difference between tartali and zhongchi?

the difference is both in their dynamic and bed position.

the latter is easy to notice, whoever gets the d has half their names on the right side of the acronym.

but for the former, if you're a passerby or don't really mind any dynamics you wouldn't notice it, but if you've been fixed into one dynamic for a decade like i do, you just can tell even at first glance even if its not ship work. like a spidey-sense hhhh.

to see the difference first-hand, try looking for those tags on Pixiv, Lofter, or any eastern/asian websites and see how each characters are depicted. (Can't really show images myself because i'm avoiding landmines) :

TartaLi : タル鍾, 公钟

ZhongChi : 鍾タル, 离达

i might be biased here but you'll mostly see a more masculine and domineering side of Zhongli in ZhongChi community because he's a dragon, the Liyue's emperor, and "god of war", probably stoic and have a heart like stone, uhh CEO seme from webtoons vibe.

but you'll see more graceful, femme/androgynous depiction of Zhongli in TartaLi community, because TartaLi fans focus on little details like how Zhongli is a shapeshifter, was a thoughtful leader to his people despite not wanting dominion, he's half lin (female qilin) and rumored to be a woman at some point, how soft his CN voice is, how gods are usually androgynous because they ascend beyond gender, etc.

other than visuals, i think other aspect of the two thats not discussed as much is also the fanbases. the two far sides have complete opposite interpretation of each characters.

both sides also treat the characters differently, like how most ZhongChi would baby Childe and took pity on him, dare i say even genuinely see Zhongli as a cruel heartless person while TartaLi folks would clown Childe (affectionately) and are mostly avid Zhongli protectors lol.

of course, at the end of the day the two are polar opposites and if you don't have much preference, you don't need to pick a side. theres a middle ground that some on Twitter made called ZhongChiLi, which is coined as an english switch name for them. (quite rare)

though for us in particular, we're just very picky and have peculiar taste.

~🍵

[armafidelium]

swings in here to tell you (even tho im sitting in call with you but words hard outloud) that your phel is so fucking good. i love hearing and learning about how you perceive him and his actions and everything surrounding his life and mission and what he is. your thoughts and love on him are so beautiful and make so much sense. i adore him to the moon and back (HAHA im funny). never stop. i look forward to all your thoughts and love for this man being thrown at me.

i'm sobbing like??? oh god i'm honestly happy i read this outside of vc bc the inhuman noise i made reading this. wehhhhh i honestly really appreciate this so dearly. just hhhhhh like??? i cannot words. like no words could properly express myself. i'm just-- ngl i sometimes question if i make sense when i ramble or go abouts with his character so i'm glad you like hearing. i have so many thoughts and feelings for him. just sobs profusely i'm saving this in my heart holy wowzers. imma stop before i just spew a ton more gibberish bc what are words. sobbing so much thank you hhhh

[uselessmtfbitch]

That was probably too many ‘I love u’s tbh but I really can’t help myself because ur litterally sooo perfect. I mean honestly it’s ur fault for making such a perverted little blog, that turns me on so fucking much.

haaaa~ >< thank you >///< thank you ><~

i don't mind .. you can tell me you love me as much as you want >~< <3 and i'm glad my blog turns you on >/////< hhhh

[feisaru]

Oooooo may I ask about 🫂 and 🎭 headcanons for Fei please?!

And if you're still up for more, than 👗 and 🧸 headcanons for Saru please and thank you! uwu///

Thank you so much for the ask! Sorry this took so long, I had to think about it

🫂: a hc about friendship

WHOA buckle up this one's a tad bit personal. Him and Saru have been in a "friendship" until they were around 20 years old. Maybe they updated the label to "BEST friends" once, but that was the peak of it (still was a huge step for Saru) (and this made me remember a really bad shitpost scenario ft. my OC). That's when Saru went "haha if it weren't for him, I would be dead by now, might as well just-" and pulled his head out of his ass (this means "stopped being a coward" for those who don't know) and really said "I love you" for the first time without beating about the bush (The reason Fei didn't feel the need to confess before Saru is a topic for another time but here's a hint: it was not because he was afraid of rejection). The thing is, by that point they had been kissing (and everything else basically) in high frequency for a few years already. Most things you'd think are a couple thing, they probably had done already. Their Something, as I like to call it bc that's how Saru started thinking about it one day as well, just had no real label beyond friends (which to Saru is already a special thing, anyway). And they didn't even really feel the need to label it. It was beyond categorization. Their special Something. I'm relatively new to this label in particular, but I guess this goes in the direction of the QPR domain (label that's v dear to me also). Yeah so turning their weird little beautiful Something into an official relationship was in and of itself just a matter of formalities. Quite literally almost nothing changed after they became official partners. But they sure do enjoy telling each other they love each other from that point on. (This makes me wanna reread the other times I've talked about this... damn)

Okay all jokes aside, the real hc was, Zanark and Fei actually get on pretty well. Fei gets on with a lot of people, sure, but Zanark is not so into being friends with everyone and he likes Fei a lot. He thinks Fei is amazing for still being the way he is, for not caving in and letting all that happened weigh him down forever although life has evidently dealt him a bad hand. But he also thinks Fei should most definitely not be shouldering all the burden by himself. I and a friend of mine agreed that it would have been nice if Fei had gotten to structure his thoughts in a more personal talk with someone before the final match. You know, unpacked a bit about Everything that was racing through his head, stated his motivations to someone, made up his mind on some stuff. More explicitly and in more depth and length than canon allowed him to. And even tho Zanark is no expert at comforting, we both thought that Zanark would have liked to check up on him. And Fei would have not had such a hard time explaining some things to him because they are from the same time etc etc. So we roleplayed something that you can imagine as a scene that happened off-screen. It was very very nice I loved that

🎭: a hc about what they lie about

Hard one. Fei doesn't lie a lot. He really sucks at that, as Saru mentioned once. He downplays things or avoids talking about certain topics altogether instead. So even if that's technically cheating, I'll tell you about that instead. He has a tendency to downplay his own feelings and needs. He wants to look after everything and everyone as much as he can and he forgets that he deserves breaks and somebody looking after him too.

👗: a hc about their clothing style

HHHH lotta thoughts on this one actually. But I'mma control myself. Saru is half This Guy Has No Fashion Sense, half Extra. He only knows how to dress when he really wants to. He's gender non-conforming about it. The harder you tell him he shouldn't wear this or that, the harder he wears it. Because he runs on spite. He will wear it because he can, fuck your whole life heteronormativity. He has overly specific kinds of clothes that he feels good in. He loves wearing heels because he is like the dog on the counter that likes feeling Tall.

Okay, so I don't get carried away any more, here's sth more specific: in his generally tad bit less bold first 3-5 years post-CS, he always found himself returning to oversized hoodies and pullovers. There was a rather simple black one that he wore often.

🧸: a hc about their childhood

Hah this one's hard... because these are the thoughts I really only speak about once in a blue moon, even privately with the people closer to me. Let me try and find something that won't feel so exposing (for lack of a better word) in my head.

Once again a beta hc that may change in the future: I like to think that similarly to Fei's rabbit, he once owned a monkey plush. Basically from birth on. I have not yet made up my mind about what exactly happened to it, but whichever was its fate, it wasn't good. Saru quickly grew to be not very fond of it because of who he got it from and what it stood for, to lightly put it. The plush has experienced his beginner attempts at externalizing his inner pain.

Ask game from which this is from