#i'm realizing how flawed that tag is now but bear with me. bear with me

[moonlitcomet]

Moon reviews: BEASTIEBALL

Today we're not reviewing a fangame, but instead an entirely original monster catcher recommended to me by Rime on Discord.

Beastieball is a turn-based monster-catching volleyball RPG developed by Wishes Unlimited and published by Klei, with music by Lena Raine. If that alone isn't enough to catch your attention, certainly the adorable designs and uniquely in-depth worldbuilding should!

OVERALL THOUGHTS

Man, this is a great game, and a fantastic refresher on the monster catching genre. It seems like such a silly premise, but the execution makes it extremely worthwhile. In Beastieball, you run around and find monsters - called Beasties for the sake of this game - to play beastieball with.

Beastieball is, essentially, monster-themed high-action volleyball. The game plays with this concept every now and then, with different rulesets and boss battles changing up the formula, but once you get familiar with it you'll be able to come up with lots of different strategies to win your way to the top.

THE GAMEPLAY

You are allowed to have five beasties on your team at a time. Every game is a double battle, and you must defend both your beasties and your lanes from being knocked out or scored on. There are two ways to score a point: knocking out an opponent, and hitting a ball into an empty lane.

While most attacks hit front-to-back, some attacks will target sideways, and can score you a point if both of your opponent's beasties are in the same horizontal lane.

Most of the time, except in the case of easy receives or beasties with abilities that allow them, you must volley to another team member before attacking back. You get three actions per attacking turn, and one action per defending turn. Spend these wisely! You can move, tag out, make supportive plays, etc while this is happening.

Once a beastie is wiped [knocked out], they cannot make any actions except moving and tagging out. Once they are benched, they can spend a few turns recovering and get back into the game with a negative status effect [sweaty] that reduces their stamina each turn.

In wild battles, the game ends as soon as either team scores one point. In guardian and field coached battles, it will be two points. Three in ranked matches.

This game isn't hard. It's fun, but as it stands the base game isn't very challenging. I only found myself losing to one major story battle, and that was one that didn't end up mattering in the end. But that's not a bad thing! I think Beastieball is a great game for people who want to branch out into new monster catcher games that aren't Pokemon.

THE BEASTIES

Beastieball has a lot of really amazing, adorable, and simple designs for its beasties. It really captures the energy of "animals that want to play ball", which these lil dudes are. They aren't particularly magical creatures, aside from their abrupt metamorphosis, but this sort of design philosophy sticks for the majority of the game.

Depending on your opinion of things like "object mons", this may be a downside, but I think it adds a lot to the immersion of Beastieball. I'll go into why this is so important later, but I will have to say one of my favorites in terms of "this is an animal" has to be Gastic, which spews big scary gas from its butt to protect itself. This is a bug!

Many of its designs are based on Australian fauna, including but not limited to bandicoots, cassowaries, ibises, platypus, and so on!

If you don't mind spoiling yourself on the designs, there is a website dedicated to documenting Beastieball and everything in it that matters to a player, as well as containing a team builder and in-game map!

Beastieball.info

THE OVERWORLD & ART

Unfortunately, this is where Beastieball - in its current unfinished state - starts to fall behind. While yes, all of the finished assets are beautiful and gorgeously animated, the barebones look of the overworld and unfinished state of most of the sprites tends to take you out of the game if you have to look at them for too long. The overworld isn't particularly interesting to look at, with most of its terrain being all the same assets with a few different colors between areas.

I, of course, will give this a pass. This is an unfinished, early-access game where the only thing left to really do for a complete version is finish all the art. It's buggy. That's just what it's gonna be like until it's done. I commend the devs for focusing the most on making it a playable, fun game instead of polishing the art first. They have their priorities straight, and I have strong faith that they will be able to put together a gorgeous looking game in the end. I'm excited to come back to Beastieball in a couple years to see where it's ended up.

BEASTIEBALL & ENVIRONMENTALISM... AND SPECULATIVE BIOLOGY?!

Listen, this is the coolest shit to me. When I was recommended this game, I was woefully unprepared for how much it was going to focus on environmentalism and include SPECULATIVE BIOLOGY as a main focus of its storyline!!

Full disclosure, below contains major spoilers for the plot of the game.

In the beginning, you set off as a coach in order to protect your hometown of Rutile from having its nature preserve destroyed by the Beastieball League to build a new stadium. In doing so, you meet many people who are apathetic or ambivalent to the idea of protecting nature, only seeing beasties as nuisances or "weird ball-throwing animals" that wander around.

But the truth is, as the game progresses, ball is literally life. These balls that beasties throw around are mushrooms, the nets that come up out of the ground are mushrooms. Everything's based around mushrooms. There is a huge mycelial network connecting the entire continent of this game, and spreading the spores by playing beastieball is how it grows and stays healthy. Beasties are strongly connected to ball mushrooms, which hold the delicate balance of basically everything in their mycelium.

This, here, is why it's important that beasties look less like mythological and magical beasts and more like animals to me. They are just that - animals. They are animals living in the wild that you befriend to play ball with, and them playing ball is crucial for the ecosystem.

There are boss battles based around this mycelial network and what's happening to it as a result of the league. The league tears down delicate ecosystems and rips up the environment to focus more on the game aspect of beastieball than the environmental aspect - and that has consequences!

My personal favorite location in this entire game is the one that has nothing in it, the Crown Farms.

No music plays here. There are no beasties. There are only rubber trees as far as the eye can see, and there is a delightfully infuriating piece of greenwashing on the entrance of the farm.

The only person who is in this area tells you about how there's really nothing left here - the soil is in terrible condition, it'll be harder to keep the trees alive and the league only wants more rubber trees to be planted for rubber balls [which remember, as opposed to ball mushrooms, are not helping the environment stay alive].

It's a good jab at the horrors of real rubber farming and the wastefulness often cheerily presented in other monster-catching games such as Pokemon.

Some people will take this as a real ham-fisted execution of environmentalism. I think it's a good way to open your eyes to viewing nature from the side of the animals - this is everyone's world, we all live in it, and we should share it instead of razing it down to a lifeless greenturf wasteland fit for our own convenience. The world of Beastieball is delicate and special, and so is ours. It's good to look at nature with compassion.

ENDING WORDS

This is a really, really good [unfinished!] game that I'm looking forward to seeing finished. With a simple premise and surprisingly deep and interesting story and worldbuilding, it makes me interested in seeing more from these devs. I hope the finished game has lots of extra places to explore and beasties to find. I'd be down for a sequel set in another region!

On a ranking from F-[the worst] to S+ [the gold standard], this game is somewhere between A+ and S. The main things holding it back are how unfinished it is. This could, very much, be one of my favorite games in the future if they really lock in on the polish. Well done Wishes Unlimited, keep it up!

[cynthiav06]

Ok, sorry if this is personal.

But how many people sent you hate for criticising and disliking Percabeth?

Also, how many of them sent you terrible reasons to defend Percabeth.

It's happened to me too. I'm so concerned for people like that.

Okay, bear with me on this. I might go on a tangent, and this might get long. ( Spoilers: It did get long.)

This fandom was one of the most close-minded fandoms ever and still is to some extent where liking anything outside of popular opinions or canon ships was, is taboo and shunned upon.

But things have gotten better in recent years or so, I think. Because I have been on tumblr officially for just 2 years, and I started posting like a year and a half ago. And you would be surprised to hear me say this, but I think Percy Jackson fandom is still somehow on the low end of the toxicity spectrum compared to the other fandoms I was and am in.

I got a tumblr account first through The Orignals and TVD fandom cause a YouTuber friend urged me to post about my takes on the Klayley ship over here. I mean, I was on here before that cause I was and am in many other book fandoms along with Spn fandom, but the point is I interacted more with tvdu and spn cause usually most other book fandoms at least for the ones I prefer are pretty chill.

Also, if you know anything about the TVDU universe, you would know that people are freaks for Klaroline, a ship I dislike with intensity, and it has a large backing and oh the sheer murderous intensity of those shippers.

Do I even need to say anything about Spn? I mean, tumblr runs on Supernatural fandom, so yeah, the toxicity can go to a whole new level, especially considering the actors are also dragged in it. But I digress, so yeah, Percy Jackson fandom isn't even close.

And since I was used to that and a more intense atmosphere, I found toxic Percabeth shippers extremely mild in comparison. So I might have less of an extreme attitude on their takes. Personally, I have never received a death threat ever in the pjo fandom, but I have been told that it used to be excessively common a good 2-3 years back by fellow mutuals.

So if you have had experiences with any of that, I am very sorry, and hopefully, you realize that some people and certain opinions are so repulsive and brainless that they do not deserve to be considered.

Another thing that's happened that's good is anti tags have become very handy for you know people who want to avoid seeing hate content on things they like. So most Percabeth shippers, the somewhat sensible ones, steer away from anti percabeth tags and given the butchering that Rick is doing to the already butchered ship in his new abomination of a trilogy, Percabeth shippers have learned to pick their battles. But yes, there are still the occasional hate comments, which some you delete, some you ignore because it's always something bullshit.

When I first began posting I was more on the extremely controversial side of the fandom but you know in the recent year the anti percabeth tag has grown, the fandom has finally started letting ships become more diverse and the arguments against the Canon ships have become more and more grounded.

-------------------------------------------------------

Now, to the important part, what is their usual defense?

1.

Well, firstly, no anti Percabeth shipper is really authentic unless they have had to fight the misogynistic allegations. "You hate the ship because you hate Annabeth. You are jealous of her and are a misogynistic person."

Yes, I do hate Annabeth. It's an opinion reached out of personal maturity. Yes I am a woman, and women can definitely be misogynistic, but do I hate Annabeth because of that? God no, I have much better reasons for hating Annabeth. Literally half my blog is highlighting how toxic and controlling she becomes.

I also hate her because she could have obviously been so much more. She has such good backstory, realistic motivations, and a very prevalent flaw to overcome, and the fact that her character just devolved with each book is such a painful thing to read. How no one on their side even addresses that the flaws exist is literally beyond me.

2.

The second most common reason I get is that Rick based Percabeth on his own marriage.

Listen, people, when someone says that they based something off of something, doesn't mean it's the same thing. Parodies are based off of the orignal but are nothing like the orignal.

Plus, the fact that Rick has terrible consistency throughout the books and forgets many plot points would tell you that he has no idea how to develop some of these things.

The idea isn't the one being criticized here. The evolution of that idea is. None of Annabeth's flaws were tackled for more than a single instance of the plot and forgotten immediately after.

Her controlling nature towards Percy, her blaming Percy for getting kidnapped and being brainwashed, her making him apologize for it; her trying to limit his powers, having a great misunderstanding regarding the Akhyls situation and just straight up ordering Percy not to use one of his key abilities even if to defend himself and we getting a follow up on that disastrous situation when Percy no longer defends himself and almost dies against Kympoleia and Polybotes.

3.

I recently got these ones a lot. Either they blame me for not tagging anti when I already have tagged anti and always tag anti first. I think two of these comments are still visible on my "How impressive you have to be to pull Percy post?"

The next one is me being biased, and all my reasons are not valid cause I am biased and hate Annabeth, so neither of my actual canon based evidence is true.

Pick a lane people. Either let us have our opinion or have the guts to argue rationally on this.

Another thing I do is that while I always tag anti, just in case, some Percabeth fan ends up on my post, there's always a section for Percabeth stans which contains my usual queries or concerns regarding whatever recent take I am elaborating and it always starts with my mild suggestion of being calm and rational and then thinking my points over. Usually, it acts as a buffer between hateful or frustration induced rants.

Either way, it's just the integral part of being in a fandom. Stuff like this happens, it's not good, but it happens.

The trick is to have a respectful conversation with those willing to listen and ignore the rest. It will lessen with time, and if you stick to the anti tag, it will help in reducing most of the unnecessary arguments.

I don't know if there's much I can do to help you, but I hope the post is at least somewhat helpful. I always appreciate feedbacks.

[trying-to-get-somewhere-real]

this is a pretty niche post for people equally obsessed with hacks and the bear (so tagging @mollrat101 bc i feel like they will understand what i'm going for here better than anyone), but i needed to get it out of my brain and maybe it will also resonate for people who haven't seen hacks but still feel uneasy about where things might be going with claire (or hacks fans who just want to complain about marty :P) i only recently realized that claire makes me uneasy for similar reasons as marty made me uneasy by the end of s1 of hacks. it's not so much a question of whether i like them as characters or whether i am more invested in a competing ship, but about the work the writing needs to do to get me invested in a deb/marty or carm/claire endgame, and whether the respective shows realize they need to do that work. hacks s2 showed me that sometimes writers will just hand-waive what felt like Significant Issues and expect you to get on board with a relationship that they spent the entire prior season undermining, and i'm now paranoid about how easily storer et al. could do the same thing. if you introduce a character in one way and want me to root for them and their relationship with the protagonist in the long-run, you need to put in the real time and effort to develop them!!

at a high-level for anyone reading this who may not be familiar with hacks: marty was introduced in s1 as someone who had a romantic past with deb who then betrays her professionally about 2/3 through the season after sleeping with her again (seemingly for the first time in awhile). they end the season on very poor terms due to this betrayal. he is also written as someone who doesn't seem to understand why deb's work is so important to her and why her ex-husband's EXTREME betrayal (her creative collaborator who sabotaged her opportunity to be the first woman to ever host a late-night show and left her for her sister) would make her reluctant to be vulnerable with anyone ever again. tbh i believe the actors and characters have real chemistry—much more so than claire and carmy. BUT it never occurred to me that they could possibly be endgame because the writers made him such a villain in s1, and the time it would take to rehab him such that he would feel like a viable choice in the eyes of the audience was not something i expected them to give to that character in light of all of the other characters/plots/themes they seemed to want to explore and the focus on ava and deb as the central relationship (however you view it).

cut to s2: deb seems to kind of be over whatever marty did in s1 (with no explanation) and seems to be jealous of his new fiancee. and then we get an unexpected reveal that he proposed to her in the past and *she* turned him down. none of this really tracks with what we learned in s1, and feels like an easy way to paper over all of his quite serious flaws and make deb seem like the one responsible for all of their issues. there is no real effort to show him growing or making amends. it's just apparently fine now??????

claire is not a villain in the way marty was/is (to me, at least) but we didn't get to know her as an individual separate from carmy, we didn't get to see most of the big moments in their relationship happen in front of our eyeballs, and i generally did not feel that the writers meant for me to take her seriously as a long-term love interest because if they did, we would see the development of this relationship (and get to know this person) much better than we have. but the more i am seeing online references to a possible endgame for them, the more i have hacks s2 ptsd. i liked the bear s2 way more than hacks s2, and so at this very moment i trust storer and co. more. and to be completely honest i don't *really* want the writers to take time away from characters and relationships i care about more in order to develop claire. BUT if she's coming back and they're going to be something in the long-run and they don't take that time? it's just very poor writing to me. all shipping preferences aside, i need them to make me invest and believe that this is viable. you can't just tell me, you have to show me. right now, everything about her and them tells me i'm not supposed to care in the way i care about carm, syd, richie, nat, tina, marcus, etc. and i'm concerned that the people running the show might not realize that :/

[autumnalwalker]

The Archivist's Journal: Complete

Well, as complete as it's going to be at any rate. The original "journal entry a day for a year" project is now up at @thearchivistsjournal in its entirety and clocking in at just over 330,000 words.

To everyone who's read any of this story, whether keeping up with it as it updates, reading it archivally (pun intended), or just reading snippets in tag games: Thank you. I hope it brought you at least some small amount of joy

I don't know that I'll ever do a second draft/editing pass, given that the sort of raw "just a journal I was keeping"-ness of the whole thing is half the point. Or maybe I'm just too emotionally attached to what ended up being a far more personal project than I originally intended to bear making the cuts that proper editing would entail. Or maybe I'm simply too lazy and too eager to move on to the next thing.

Although if I'm being entirely honest, this is - in a way - the second editing pass that's up online.

Confession Time:

While it is true that The Archivist's Journal was written at a rate of one entry a day for a year (plus Days 365-380 all in one marathon writing session on the last day), the dates that the project ran from was from July 16, 2021 to July 15, 2022. On July 16, 2022 I made my first ever post on Tumblr and began putting The Archivist's Journal online one day at a time, with each entry going online on the anniversary of the day I originally wrote it.

There were some minor edits in this, but they were all of the nature of minor typographical fixes. Spelling errors, odd line breaks, words that were technically spelled right but not the one I meant, the occasional addition/subtraction/substitution of a word or phrase. That sort of thing. Nothing that actually changed the story, or even altered an individual scene.

I apologize if this has all come across as a misrepresentation of myself. The truth is, when I originally started this project it was something purely for myself and it wasn't until I was approaching the end that I realized that I had something that might possibly be worth sharing, even if only one person somewhere liked it. But I felt that the serial format of one entry a day keeping analogous between real time and story time so I kept the posts staggered in that way. Honestly, I don't think that I could have written this project and kept it up at the pace that I did if I'd also been trying to maintain an online presence at the time.

And speaking of the pace, that's perhaps the biggest reason I ended the story where I did rather than keeping it up indefinitely. Averaging around 800 words a day every single day straight when I also have a full-time job and other hobbies (even after cutting back on those hobbies in favor of writing) was not sustainable for me, and as much as Iove this project, I was burnt out by the end, mentally and emotionally (and physically given how it impacted my sleep schedule and ate the time I used to spend exercising). And then there was the weirder factor of the journal format combining with pandemic lockdowns/self-isolation to start to feel enough like a second life to make me mildly concerned for my mental health were it to keep going the way it was. As I said, it turned out to be an unexpectedly personal work, and the Archivist became far more of a self-insert (albeit obviously with certain traits idealized and certain flaws exaggerated) than originally intended.

So, what's next?

For the most part, continuing on with Empty Names as my current main focus project (once I finish up with my current writing hiatus to take care of various personal and IRL things). I don't particularly like working on two things at once. One day once Empty Names is finished (most likely a couple years from now, given my much more leisurely pace these days) I'd like to go back and revisit that "Untitled Solar Punk Witch Story" in some fashion. Assuming I don't get some other grand project idea before then.

That said, over the past year I have written a few sporadic entries for The Archivist's Journal. A sort of checking in every few months to see how that world and those characters are doing. I'll most likely post those as their anniversaries roll around to keep them in temporal sync with the rest of the online postings. These entries are more epilogue than sequel though, so Day 380 will remain the end of the "main story" of The Archivist's Journal.

So, yeah. That's all that. And again, I apologize for any misrepresentation of myself. While I don't know that I'll ever do anything quite like The Archivist's Journal again, it will always hold a special place for me. Among many other things, it taught me that writing is something I enjoy doing and that I wish to keep doing for a long time to come.

And if anyone happens to like what I write, that's pretty cool too.

Thanks for reading.

[zorocuteboy]

Nobody ever hears about me but y'all can blame on @fleetof-fandoms for the TED Talk I'm about to begin!!! As usual I'd rather not tag anyone but if this reaches you and you get interested in doing it (like I got), FEEL FREE, enjoy it (and maybe use it as an opportunity to clean all my rambling)!

Okay, so let's do this. I've realized that even tho I watch A LOT of movies (like, really, A LOT, especially during quarantine), I don't ever watch them as a form of "comfort comfort" (?) I guess when I really need it I don't have the time to?

*insert the "Every Time Fred Didn't Know a Thing SUPERCUT!"*

When you ask me about movies, my mind immediately goes to Ex-Machina or like Perfect Blue, so I've had to dig into my ratings data to find stuff that actually fit as "comfort" - and I think it kinda worked for now:

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

This one is a CERTIFIED one, ok? I'm not even sure as to why but I loved everything about this series, I own a DVD to this second film up to today as a "protest" for how much it was done dirty and I was REALLY glad that they gave it a closure at the "No Way Home" movie. Also I was a superhero movies' fan for quite some time so at least one HAD to show up in here.

Divergent (2014)

It's been years since I've last watched it but its vibe and atmosphere alone could have already convinced me to get into my whole obsession with the Divergent book series. I could talk about the books for hours, since they are so important to me, so I'm sure the movie will always make me nostalgic in a good way...

La La Land (2016)

Beautiful. It just ressonates to me in a way that always makes me emotional. This also means that maybe it makes me more sad than it should for a comfort movie but it allows me to move on so I'm adding it (at least for now) anyways! Also congrats to Emma Stone for making it into the list TWICE!!

海がきこえる: Ocean Waves (1993)

There are a couple of other Ghibli movies that could have make it but, once again, I DON'T KNOW. It is most probably the most intense 72 minutes in my life. I guess it just makes you feel alive (and youthful?)...

One Piece: The Movie (2000)

Maybe I'm cheating on this one but, c'mon, look at my "zorocuteboy" name... One Piece has been a really important part of my life for years now and I love the goofy feel good vibe of the early episodes. I can't watch or read everything all over again everytime I miss it so the movies definitely help. The 1st one is not my favorite but it is the most "found-family One Piece" out of the movies so IT IS A CERTIFIED COMFORT MOVIE.

Ratatouille (2007)

I wanted no Disney movies on this one but nothing brings more comfort than stuff from your childhood, isn't it? SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY CHILDHOOD ANIMATIONS!!!!!

I know the one I was actually obsessed with as a kid was Brother Bear (2?) but then I don't really have any memory as to the history itself so... On the other hand, I repeatedly remember the "mixing flavours" (cheese and strawberry) and the "Ego reminiscing about his homemade food" scenes, they are really wholesome and media about food always hits me for some reason. Maybe happiness is indeed in the smallest things?

유열의 음악앨범: Tune in for Love (2019)

So... One thing you might learn about me is that I'm not usually fond of ROMANCE Romance movies. Tune in for Love tho just felt real to my inexperienced-at-romance ass? I'll not talk too much about it cause I'm afraid I'll get over its warmness if I do it in here but I was legitimately rooting for the couple's happiness and caring for the characters throughout both times I watched it, after all they were flawed but humans. #we all need and can be a little more positive

rules: seven comfort films, seven people

The Warriors.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

The Matrix

The Lord of the Rings

Goldeneye

The Fifth Element

Blade

I'll go ahead and taggggg @2pacula @necromancy-savant @acid-vengeance @lakanakana @amygdalae @rewindandunwind @fleetof-fandoms

[erricdraven]

i'm really intrigued by your s6 spuffy thoughts can you talk more about what you mentioned in your tags???

lol yeah i really lost my entire mind in the tags oops

but sure, i'm happy to talk more about it. it's the one hang up i have about the show that i still have yet to make peace with and honestly don't think i ever will. i really respect now as i've gotten older how characters challenge us to think from new perspectives, and buffy has always been a character that challenges me in a few specific areas. when it comes to buffy and spike, i'm immediately predisposed to empathize with spike when i comes to the way he's treated regarding his feelings because i'm very much a heart-on-my-sleeve, all in person with love myself, and so it's a really hard thing for me to consume something so personally difficult in media i enjoy. i also feel like i need to preface this by saying that at the root of all my thoughts about what their s6 arc is, i believe they are both in the wrong in certain aspects. i'm not saying that spike has done nothing wrong and buffy is the one making all the bad choices and saying all the bad things.

so, with all that said--

the best way i can think to pinpoint why i'm really bothered by buffy's part in their issues can be summed up in the scene in entropy (?) where buffy accuses spike of spying on her on the grounds that she believes that's well within his character to violate her privacy and life like that, and with all the things she lists that he does (lie, cheat, steal, manipulate), he says "i don't hurt you." that interaction really highlights how the power dynamic is really fucked up and skewed for buffy to use to take advantage of. she knows that spike loves her (and though she's really resistant to acknowledging he really does love her, she believes that he believes that he loves her) and has repeatedly acknowledged outright and acted on the fact that he wants to spare her pain in any way that he can. he wants to protect her from getting hurt and if he can't, he wants to comfort her and try to make it better. granted, sometimes his solutions aren't conducive for her, but the intention (which is really important!!) is always to help her and support her.

with this in mind, i think that is why i have such a hard time with s6 buffy. i've yet to get to a point where i can feel comfortable watching her relationship with spike in this season because of how tremendously cruel she is. i understand that she's in serious pain and she feels horrified at herself for wanting to engage in this dark twisted thing with him, but at its heart, i feel like the thing that makes it dark and twisted, given that she knows that he loves her and that sex with him means something, is that she has backed him into a corner by setting a boundary of "i can only accept this so long as it hurts us". as soon as she starts facing her feelings, she can't bear to let him in anymore. we see at the start of s6 that the dynamic between them is something very sweet and gentle and kind. spike is careful and kind and supportive of her as she tries to feel out how to live in the world again. he's understanding of her circumstances (empathizing with the pain and trauma of having to claw your way out of your grave), he kept his promise to care for dawn without any thought of reward (and continues to from then on out), she admits that when she wants to be alone, she still feels most at peace when she's alone with him, and she seeks his input and advice on how to try to figure out the things that she feels like she's way over her head about ("so what do you know about finances?").

people are fallible and characters aren't meant to be perfect, and i believe that's really how writing should be, but this is something i feel like is much more complex than just a flawed character in the throes of an extended major depressive episode. we don't really see any genuine remorse from her directed at spike for how she has treated him even when she admits her disgust with herself for how she was taking advantage of him. when we see buffy fall apart to tara in devastation at the person she's become, i feel like what we're seeing is just an overwhelming amount of self-hatred at what she sees when she looks at herself. it feels like very...self-focused shame, like people who are disgusted at the realization that someone sees and classifies them as a bad person. we recoil from that moniker because we know it's wrong, and that's what we see in buffy. she hates that she's "a bad person", but what feels really lacking for me is the self-awareness to then turn that self-focused shame into a more... i don't know, i hate to call it this, but altruistic shame at the way she has been hurting spike purposefully. taking responsibility for her cruelty i feel like should have looked like her bearing the burden of her shame about her actions, accepting the discomfort of having to humble herself and hold it and say 'yeah, this is mine.' all throughout s6 in particular, spike is consistently the bad guy in every equation when it comes to his relationship with buffy, and that has always felt wrong to me, like a huge disservice to the story and his character. is he a bad guy broadly speaking? yeah, he's more villain than hero for sure. but is he the bad guy in their relationship? i'd argue no, he's not, and we never really get catharsis for that!!

especially with spike having his soul in s7, the tumultuous and abusive dynamic of their relationship in the previous season is treated as something they can just look back at and say "oh well we can move on now and be good and okay because we're never going back there again" even though buffy never apologizes to him for what she did to him and acknowledges it was wrong by taking that responsibility. it's always framed as buffy's stance being "sex is bad and dirty, and engaging in "dark" sex with you was bad so we'll never do it again." i tried to hunt it down and couldn't find it, but @chasingfictions made an amazing post that really struck me, talking about how, while the idea of the soul being a determination of good and a lack of soul being a determination of evil is a bit too simplistic and unsatisfying in the debate of good vs evil, spike's pursuit of a soul and actually getting it all on his own so that he could be a better man to the woman he loves and the world she risks her life every day to protect is so powerful and beautiful. the fact that in the show's canon, no one that becomes soulless has ever sought out getting their soul back, and no only does he get it back, he wins it back!! he fought to have it as a step towards being better, and that intention of choosing to be better means so fucking much! and he made that choice to take an action of good without the soul in question, after having, on many occasions, acted contrary to his nature to be better.

the writing leads us to a point where we support spike's pursuit of redemption and are moved by it, but to me, i think buffy should have been driven to seek her own redemption too. without it, i personally feel a very pervasive sense that catharsis for everything they went through in s6 was never really achieved.

in conclusion (lmao)... everyone interprets text/subtext differently, and that's absolutely okay, so i'm not saying that this is the only right interpretation of things! but for me, after spending a really long time trying to reconcile this discomfort i feel with buffy's character and not being able to get there, this is where i've landed.

[overdhse]

Hello!! Can I ask you 15 with all the members but they are actually not confident because s/o is shy to show her affection? Hope I'm clear enough... thanks!!

a/n: hello! sorry for the late reply ㅠㅠ after finishing studying for my previous exam, i’m now busy with another one so i took a break from writing... i hope it’s not a problem. thanks for requesting! i chose to change “wasn’t” to “isn’t”, i think it suits the scenarios better. i hope you’ll like this☺️

Golden Child reactions - 15. “Which part of me isn’t enough?” 

Daeyeol

Daeyeol is definitely good boyfriend-material. When you two started dating, you felt like you were dating a modern-days prince: he’s always really polite and sensitive, always worrying about you rather than himself, taking you out on romantic dates (when he has free time, obviously), cuddling with you under the sheets and showering you with his love. Too bad you’re not as good as him at showing affection. Even if you had never talked about this before, it was clear that at a certain point he had started developing some insecurities about that, so you aren’t really surprised when he stands in front of you asking: “Which part of me isn’t enough?”.

“Huh?” You say, blinking more than once. He looks at you with a sad gaze.

“Is there anything you don’t like about me?” He asks, biting his lip.

“No...?” You reply, while your heart starts to beat faster.

He sighs. “Are you sure? You don’t have to be with me if you don’t like me.”

“Actually...” You start. “Actually you’re the best thing that could ever happen to me. Really. It’s just that I’m really bad at showing how much I care about you. I’m so sorry.”

His eyes grow wider as a smile appears on his face. “Oh. I feel so much better.” He says, while hugging you. “I couldn’t get myself to stop thinking that you dislike something about me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” You reply, caressing his cheek. “You’re perfect to me.”

Y

Sungyoon isn’t usually the kind of guy to worry about his own irrational thoughts, but having to deal with a person who finds it hard to show affection is making him change his mind.

“I’ve been worrying about you for a few days.” He says, putting an arm around your shoulders. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

You rest your head on his shoulder. “I don’t think so. Why?”

“Uh.” He replies, touching your cheek with his fingers. “Nothing.”

You put yourself to sit in front of him and look at him in the eyes. “Are you worried about something?”

“Not really...” He says, before looking away and suddenly asking: “Which part of me isn’t enough?”

You blink twice. “Which part of you... isn’t enough...?” You ask, giving him a confused look.

“Yeah.” He says. “Am I lacking something?”

You pat his head. “No, you’re not. I’m the one lacking something, and it’s the ability to demonstrate that I am crazy about you.” You explain. “Please, bear with my flaw, okay?”

He holds your hands. “It’s okay. I am crazy about your flaws too.”

Jangjun

Considering his bright personality, you had never thought Jangjun would ever be the kind of guy to develop insecurities about anyone surrounding him. He had a particular way of showing his insecurities: he would bring them up by asking rhetorical question.

“You don’t like me, don’t you?”, “You think I’n not good enough for you, don’t you?”, “You’re into somebody else, aren’t you?”, these are only some of the dozens of questions he has been asking you for the past few days.

“So, which part of me isn’t enough?” He asks, making you roll your eyes.

“Actually...” You say, and he looks at you with a worried gaze. You smirk, realizing that he’s believing it. “Actually, there’s something.”

“W... what?” He asks. You had never seen him so insecure.

You point at his head. “Your brain.” You say. “You aren’t clever enough to realize I’m crazy about you.”

He pinches your arm. “You thought you could prank me?” He asks, pinching you harder. “Don’t do this ever again. And I want you to know this: I wasn’t believing in you. I knew you were kidding.”

You move your arm, sticking your tongue out. “Yeah, sure.”

TAG

Youngtaek gets easily flustered when it comes to people he cares about. He has always been into you, and he has shown it in various ways: sending you pictures of something that he saw and reminded him of you, buying you all the sweets that you said you like, taking you to his favorite places... you feel bad thinking about the fact that he has been able to show his affection to you in so many different ways, while you struggle to even just say “I love you” back.

You are at the café in front of his company. You’re taking a sip of iced tea when out of the blue he asks you : “Which part of me isn’t enough?” 

You didn’t really expect him to ask you that question.

“What do you mean?” You ask, coughing.

“What should I change about me? I want you to be more interested in me.” He explains, with a serious face.

You smile and reach your hand out to caress his cheek. “You don’t have to change anything. Just because I don’t tell you I love you so often, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

“You can just tell me if something is wrong with me. I am willing to fix it.” He says, holding the hand you were caressing him with.

“There is nothing I would change in you.” You say, just before kissing him. “You’re the best to me.”

Seungmin

Seungmin is usually quiet but when he’s worried about something he becomes even quieter. It didn’t take you a lot to realize that something is making him flustered.

“What’s going on?” You ask, out of the blue.

“Huh?” He says, giving you a confused look.

“You’re so quiet.” You explain. “You’re thinking about something.”

He looks away and stays silent; after a few minutes, he asks: “Which part of me isn’t enough?”

You raise your eyebrows. “What?”

“Nevermind.” He says, taking his phone out of his pocket. You take your phone out of your bag too.

You send him a text. “You’re more than enough for me.”

You wait for his reaction, but it seems like he hasn’t read it yet. Your phone vibrates.

It’s Seungmin’s reply. “I love you even if you make me worry too much.”

Jaehyun

Jaehyun always worries about making sure you’re comfortable with him. There hasn’t been a single time ever since you started dating that he hasn’t asked you if everything is okay or if you want to talk to him about something in particular. You are really thankful for the way he is, but you know that sometimes you’re not good at showing him how much you love him; so you weren’t really surprised when he texted you asking: “Which part of me isn’t enough?”

You read the text more than once, to be sure that you’re not getting it wrong.

“Nothing?” You type. After a few seconds, you get another text.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

“I am.” You reply.

“Alright. I’m sorry.” He quickly replies. “I love you a lot.”

You smile. “I love you a lot too.”

Jibeom

Jibeom isn’t really the type of guy to share all of his thoughts with you, but you can feel that something is off only by taking a look at his gaze whenever he’s talking to you. At first you thought it would be something temporary, but after a few days you realized that it was kind of serious and that you had to find out what was going on. So that’s why you have now called him over.

He is as quiet as usual, but you can see that his eyes are hiding something.

“So... is there something going on?” You begin with an unsure voice. He shyly looks away and blushes.

“No.” He murmurs.

“Are you sure?” You insist. “ I can see it in your eyes.“

He sighs. “Which part of me isn’t enough?” 

“Huh?” You give him a confused look.

“”I feel like you’re not into me.” He explains. “Is there anything wrong with me?”

You blush. “No. I’m sorry.“ You look away. “ I should show my affection to you more, right?”

He smiles to you. “It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself.”

Donghyun

“Which part of me isn’t enough?”

Donghyun’s question flustered you. You know you aren’t that good at showing your affection to anyone, especially to him, but you didn’t think this would lead to him feeling insecure about himself.

You scratch your head. “Uhm... well, do you really want me to say it?” You ask.

Donghyun puts on a sad face and shrugs. “Whatever.”

“It’s... your confidence.” You hurriedly reply, before this leads to him feeling really bad. “Why are you asking me such stupid questions? You should know better how much I love you.”

“You never say it.” He shyly explains, looking away.

You pinch his cheek. “Just because I don’t say it it doesn’t mean you’re not “enough” for me. Actually, you’re way too much for me. I don’t deserve you.”

Joochan

Joochan usually acts like he’s full of confidence, so his sudden question (“Which part of me isn’t enough?”) sincerely flustered you.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” You reply. “I am sorry, this is all my fault. I am way too cold.”

He quickly pats your shoulder. “Don’t apologize. I was kidding. Really!”

“No, you’re right. I should be much more affectionate to you.” You say, biting your lip.

“I was really kidding!” He insists. “But still... thanks for the compliment!” He adds, winking.

Bomin

Bomin usually holds everything in when it comes to his worries. It’s not like you were expecting him to tell you how he is feeling every single time, but you wanted him at least to tell you when something was wrong; since he never did, as soon as you realized that something was worrying him, you asked him about it.

“I am okay, really.” He replies.

“Are you sure?” You ask again.

He stands there and looks at you in your eyes. Before you can say anything, he asks: “Which part of me isn’t enough?”

“What?” You say, raising your eyebrows. “Are you crazy?”

He gives you a confused look. “Why?”

“You’re way more than enough to me. Don’t ask me no stupid questions!” You say, leaving him with a warm smile on his face.

[meetthefatess]

Hi dear! I just finished listening to In the Green and I'm in love, it's so beautiful and the vocals are amazing. However I'm having a hard time understanding it. Would you be willing to do a summary of like each song so that I can figure out what's happening? Totally understand if that's too much work though, I'm happy just listening to it without fully understanding. Love you!

Hi! I wouldn’t mind at all 🥰

Some of these descriptions are going to be longer than others bc I know more about certain songs. Also disclaimer, I haven’t seen the show in person so this is based on reviews & interviews I’ve seen talking about the show & the music itself! If anyone has corrections, pls let me know!

(tw for mentions of rape, I’ll tag accordingly)

O Virga ac Diadema: this is actually a song written by Hildegard von Bingen, who was a brilliant scientist, composer, philosopher (among other things) in the Middle Ages & who this musical is based on! Most, if not all, of the Latin chanting sections are taken from Hildegard’s own work! I’ll probably mention this again when the next one comes up.

Death Ceremony: following the death of her sister (which we will get into later) Hildegard is given away by her mother to Jutta. Hildegard was the youngest of 10 siblings and very shaken by her sister’s death, so this was likely done to lessen the burden on the family. My understanding is that this song is Jutta officially taking over the care of Hildegard. She is excited at the idea of Hildegard being acquainted with death (through the lessons she plans to teach her) because it is what she herself has been pursuing in her search for “the light.” The slam at the end of the song represents the two being locked in the cell together.

If I Had a Knee: in this song we become acquainted with the “pieces” of Hildegard. Because of, as she says, a “life shattering experience” she has broken into the Mouth (Ashley Pérez Flanagan), Eye (Rachael Duddy), and Hand (Hannah Whitney). This is how she has processed her trauma. She believes her mother sent her away because she is broken like this and if she just becomes whole (or one “piece”) again she will be able to return home. We also get a little forshadowing to Confession when she sings “If I had a knee I could climb out the window.”

The Rule: Jutta promises she can help the Hildegards become whole again because she used to be broken & knows what they are going through. She also believes that helping the Hildegards will give her the freedom she has been searching for and show her “the light.” We get a little look into Jutta’s life as a noblewoman here too! Jutta also brushes away the Hildegard’s questions about how she broke (or HER life shattering experience) and insists that the only thing that matters is she was able to get herself under control (by locking herself in the cell) and become whole again.

I Am Hungry: I Am Hungry is centered around Mouth and the desires held by that piece of Hildegard. These solo (ish) piece songs I believe are how Jutta learns about & tries to “fix” Hildegard one piece at a time. Mouth battles with feeling ungrateful, despite this opportunity to become whole thanks to Jutta, being uncomfortable in her own skin, and feeling like a monster. I don’t know as much about this song but it is a Bop and Ashley Pérez Flanagan is SO good.

Eve: this is one of the lessons Jutta teaches (directed at Mouth) on how to make her trauma easier to bear. I believe this lesson is given after Hildegard has her first period? Jutta’s lessons are starting to reveal her own pain and flawed judgement with the line “if you kill your every care, your burden will be less to bear.” Once again, A Bop

Ritual: time is passing in the cell! The Hildegards are still working to become whole, with the help of Jutta (who sings “it takes time to be whole” in response to the Hildegards’ “I’m trying”). They are becoming frustrated because they are still broken and are not sure what they are supposed to be learning.

Little Life: perhaps realizing that the Hildegards are more inclined to believe in light & life than the death-oriented lessons Jutta tries to teach them, Jutta gives another lesson. Jutta further shows she has gone through trauma too in understanding the Hildegards are “hiding the feeling [they’ve] done something wrong.” We also learn the name of Hildegard’s sister (Agathe) and that she has died. Jutta insists that Hildegard can get past her pain by sacrificing parts of herself (“you have nothing to lose if everything’s gone”). This also begins the instruction to dig (in which the Hildegards dig their own grave to help them become whole).

Sun Song: Hand remembers her childhood fondly & running through the woods with her sister Agathe before her death. She is trying to reason with Jutta and show her that the outside world is beautiful and that they don’t have to lock themselves away (literally). Eventually, Jutta recounts her own youth. She was engaged but decided to run away from her family instead of submit to her would be husband. She and Hand sing about the freedom they experienced in the outside world.

In The Green: the talk of the outside world awakens Jutta’s own trauma (her voice overlapping with that of Shadow, the broken piece of her that holds said trauma). When she chose to run away, she was found out and raped by a man (he is familiar to Jutta, so we can assume this is her would be husband) in the garden she was running through. In the end Jutta appears both to be yelling “leave me alone” to the man in her memory and to Shadow, who she has buried away and pretends does not exist anymore. “In The Green” or “The In The Green memory” is how this memory is referred to later in the musical.

Burial: as reasoning with Jutta does not work, the Hildegards turn on her and say they will no longer help her find the light. Jutta yells back “okay, stay broken. Have it your way.” Then the Hildegards turn on each other (mostly on Hand, the one they sing “you don’t belong here” to). They blame their trauma on Eye for having seen “Agathe’s secret,” Mouth for not keeping the secret, and Hand for not helping Agathe. More foreshadowing to Confession with “Agathe’s bleeding, I am not helping.” They all individually begin to break down and, because they feel they can’t focus on Jutta’s tasks: watch, wait, and try, they fully focus on digging until...

Underground: the Hildegards’ digging unearths Shadow, a piece of Jutta that she hid away, insisting she had already become whole. Shadow holds the memory of the day Jutta was raped, and understands that the pieces of Hildegard hold similarly traumatizing memories from the day their sister died. Shadow does not want to be revealed because Jutta does not want that memory to be part of her. (Think back to The Rule when Jutta says “when I see the light, I will erase my history for good” and tell be that doesn’t make you SO SAD)

Confession: the Hildegards tell their story to Shadow. Agathe sneaks out at night to meet with a man. Hildegard is scared Agathe is going to run away with him so tells their mother. Their mother is angry (likely because their family was lower nobility & did not approve of the relationship?). Agathe gets pregnant and has no husband, so wants to get rid of the baby so she isn’t ostracized or reminded of what happened. She convinces Hildegard to come with her to find herbs by the river that will “take the swelling from her belly.” This ends up killing her while Hildegard watches in horror. This also shows us how Hildegard was broken “I shouldn’t have seen (eye), I shouldn’t have said (mouth), I shouldn’t have lead her across the river (hand).”

Sun Song Reprise: after finally talking about their trauma, the Hildegards reflect. They realize that they can’t ever be how they used to be, but they can still be alright and will carry Agathe’s memory within them. They realize they don’t have to become “whole” to fix themselves.

Light Undercover: Shadow is in awe at how they’ve overcome their memory and found “the light.” She wants them to stay with her and share their light. The Hildegards realize hiding their trauma was what truly broke them and try to get Shadow to share the in the green memory with them so they can carry the burden of it together. Shadow is adamantly against this, saying Jutta made her disappear and she is content with the light from the Hildegards. The Hildegards insist that Shadow can find her own light if she just speaks about the memory.

The First Verb: the Hildegards sing about the lessons they’ve learned and the flaws in their previous mindsets. They want to help Shadow overcome her history. Shadow sings “I saw myself inside of a dream, but with your help I can wake up, make myself scream.” Essentially to become part of Jutta again and help her.

O Viridissima Virga: another song of the real Hildegard’s! A lot of her works revolved around nature and the earth mother which is is really cool thematically with the show. In my opinion ig

Light Undercover/ In The Green reprise: The Hildegard’s continue to try and coax the light out of Shadow who finally recounts the memory (voluntarily or involuntarily I do not know).

The Ripening: Jutta, presumably faced with her history once again, is conflicted. She believes she has done everything right but she still isn’t free, the only thing she’s ever wanted. She has sacrificed her whole life to her work and yet, is still trapped in darkness. Existential. Crisis.

Forgiveness: (if I’m interpretting correctly) Jutta has died. The Hildegards feel they were too late but now reflect on the lessons they have learned once again. “You have to be broken to see light in the dark.” Presumably why Jutta could never see the light is because she insisted she was not broken anymore and buried her broken pieces away.

Integration: Hildegard takes over Jutta’s place at the monastery and teaches and helps more women heal. This song is a lot about the rest of her life! If you have a little bit of background knowledge about Saint Hildegard (I don’t have much) this probably makes a good deal more sense.

Exorcism: Hildegard is faced with a member of the family her community helped destroy. Another woman who was silenced (this time by Hildegard’s influence). Story isn’t over?

Helpful timeline & things: Hildegard was 14 when she was locked in the cell with Jutta. Jutta had already been in the cell for 6 years. They remained in it together for 30 years. The only opening was a small window through which they were delivered food.

Some parts of this are my own interpretation so it’s totally cool if you see some lyrics as meaning different things!

Also, if you have questions about any songs in particular, feel free to shoot me another ask! Hopefully this helps!



[shiroganeryo]

D.Gray-Man Tag 2!

I got tagged by my friend Violet (@14thexorcist) again to hop into the part two of this little game she made, and there are few things I love more than babbling about DGM, so let’s go!

The rules are to tag 4 people but, since I'm late to do this, I won't tag anyone this time. However, if you see it and want to do it, feel tagged by me! Here's the blank post.

⭐ What’s your favorite manga page/panel? That's quite the hard pick, every chapter and arc have something of amazing and remarkable in them. There are many moments I love hence many favorites on this matter, but thinking of what moves my heart, I can easily pick two pages without having to think twice.

From The 225th Night: Visiting A.W. - CALL 2.

This moment made me very happy; it was the first time we saw Allen smiling in a long while. I personally love the interaction he has with Johnny in this; it's full of warmth and relief. Seeing Johnny hug him so fondly like this as he smiles makes me smile. The visuals are beautiful as well, as expected from Hoshino-sensei's artwork.

From The 230th Night: Saying Goodbye to A.W: Torchlight and Tearstains

I love everything about this page and its middle panel. The parallel between current Allen and dog Allen is perfectly set as a mirror image; the two of them are looking at each other, and both their right hand and paw are on top of the grave. In my opinion, this is where Hoshino's genius shows. She's great at giving us meaningful representations with simplicity and subtlety.

⭐ What’s your favorite chapter? I can remember at least one thing I love in every chapter, so let's narrow down the options! Currently, my favorite one is The 226th Night: Searching for A.W. - Live Man + Dead Man. Being honest, I love the whole A.W arc. We get a lot of insight on Allen and witness his growth (emotionally); I also love the part Johnny, Kanda and Link are playing in here. We also get hints towards the truth about Nea.

But this chapter in specific has some of my favorite lines as soon as it starts. Quoting the official english translation: "I can return from that beautiful place, so like heaven... taking the only path there is.

The voice that calls me... It connects me to this world. It is a bond... and a summons.

That... is 'Home'!"

We begin with such a strong and meaningful message and metaphor about the bonds that keep us around, that tie us to the ones we love. The message is clear and powerful, it literally gives me chills. And then, the next thing we see is Allen realizing he's back from Nea's conscience's world and showing, for a second, his ultimate relief in being back. This moment is so rewarding to me, and extremely important to his development. We all love Allen for how human he is, and seeing how afraid he was, it becomes ten times more rewarding. His weaknesses make him palpable and strongly moves our heart; we take in the moment as if it happened to us, as if we were back to a loved one's arms after being lost and alone for so long ourselves. I also love Tiedoll's participation in this chapter! The scene on which the Maker of Eden forms the wagon underneath Allen and Johnny is amazingly drawn!

⭐ Do you have a favorite volume? Without a doubt, it's Volume 3. The Rewinding City arc is still one of my favorites, it hadn't been mentioned yet only because it can't compete with the feelings and plot lore overload we get from the latest chapters hahah. But this arc was the first that made me feel that tingly, warm feeling in my heart. I loved Miranda on the spot and I could see myself on her. It made me so happy to see her finally getting her "thanks", the realization of that moment sank in as hard for me as it did for her. So this spot goes on to the volume that introduced Miranda and her arc!

⭐ Do you like Mana or Nea more? That's hard to answer, as I'm rather lukewarm about both. I'd say I like Nea more because what we see from him is what he has always been; while Mana, on the other hand, has many facets.

We have Mana from when he was younger, Mana from when he was travelling with Allen, and the current Mana that is the Millennium Earl. I do love the Mana Allen met, that I can say for sure! But I'm still waiting to see how he was when younger, if he was any different or not, to decide how I feel about him "as a whole".

So, for the time being, I'm picking Nea. He is fun to see going about, I gotta be honest; it would be nice if he didn't need Allen to be erased to do so, though.

⭐ What’s one thing that you like and dislike about Hallow? If I can be so bold, I'll start saying that what I dislike the most about Hallow is how much slander it gets from the fandom LOL

By all means I understand it delivered a subpar quality, but I don't think it's as terrible as everyone makes it seem. The OG 2006 anime also had a lot of flaws, ranging from adaptation issues (the novels, Lenalee existing in random places, Cross being uncharacterized, Allen being dumbed up for appeal) to small animation choices that were a little poor.

I also agree that Hallow's pacing was rushed, however, it's still not fair comparing both adaptations when one of them had 103 episodes and the other had only 13. It's alright to appreciate both, acknowledge the hard work put into them and I wish people realized that more often.

With that out of the way, I'd say that's basically what I dislike about it. I do have criticism on the animation and things like this, but none of that made me enjoy Hallow less; the things it proposed to cover, like the Artificial Exorcists arc and the Seed of Destruction arc were amazingly done in my opinion. Even if the animation got a little wack in several moments. I do agree it's sad that we didn't get a Zombie arc adaptation, but starting on that note would be... weird, to say the less. So while I regret it, I understand the decision.

Now on to what I like the most about it: I'd say it's the new color palette. Some people say it's too bright, and I totally get it, as I can't bear too much brightness myself! But the new colors are more appealing to me, and as much as I love the OG 2006 anime, at times I thought the colors were too dark/blurry, it was a little hard to see.

Still on that note, I love how Allen is looking in Hallow. Crown Clown now has a glowing effect to it, and it looks awesome in dark scenes! I also love how they didn't make Allen's hair extremely white, but a more natural tone. His white eyelashes are also really pretty.

⭐ What’s your favorite piece of DGM merch? These keychains!

Just look at how cute they are! There are many pieces of merch I like, especially if we take into account the art books, but the bocchi-kun keychains make me want to get them all!

⭐ Follow up question: what’s a piece of merch that you wish existed? I'd love it if we had figures of most of the characters. We got figures for Hallow and they're awesome, but I'd love a figure of Miranda, for example. There was no Lenalee figure as well, and even if I didn't get one of her for myself, I bet it would look awesome!

As always, this got super long, but if you read until here, I wish you have an awesome day! Thank you for reading on 💞

[jojoturnip]

No because my brain won't shut up so I have to write because how else do I get it out of my head?

I know I could write in my book but it's so unhealthy rn that it would just make me dissociate more honestly. And I'm pretty sure no one can see the stuff I'm writing on here; made an amphibia post as a test and it seems to have flown under the radar even with the tag. So, it's got to be safe to rant into this, this abyss, right?

It better be. I need it.

Because why would they choose that? Why am I winning that award? It's the big one in the creative writing awards that everyone goes for. I have no right to it, no claim to stake into the title that will be mine in less than month. I'm a botanist! I write in my free time as a coping mechanism (that isn't super healthy but anyway), not to publish! I won't even let my friends read what I write.

Maybe I should. Maybe I should get out there, show them all and give the world my story.

I think it would terrify them. They don't know what I've been through, what I'm capable of. What if it just drives them away like it did before?

So, I'll keep them in the nice little box they're in. I'll let them see what I want, and they'll go on thinking only those nice little things about me. I'd rather have them around sunbathing in the shallow end than to wstch then leave after diving deep into the depths of my soul.

I don't think I could bear to lose them, too. Not after everything, not after being happy for the first time in my life. No, I can't lose them now, even though I want them to see past my sunshine child, bright smiles exterior and into the world within my mind. To know me, the true me, the me I am still getting to know.

Would they like her?

It's true that I've never had a friend group like this before. I feel safer around them. I don't have to walk on eggshells and dance around things to keep the peace, to keep everyone happy. I mean, I still do half the time, but I've never once gotten that feeling with them like one would snap at any second, lunge themselves into a mania and rip us to shreds.

It's nice.

Weird, but nice.

Maybe they would like me. Maybe they would understand my story. Maybe they would even read it.

I gave a chapter to my creative writing class. It felt so surreal to have people gush over my words again. It's been so long. I think I've grown insecure about it again; I always do. But they had so many comments and questions, and they were ravenous; they wanted more. It's been so long since someone wanted more from me.

The professor wants me to publish. I don't know what to do with that.

Because, what if I did? What if I let it all go and saw it move away from me and into the arms of others? Could I let go? Could I watch it be passed on and on without me, falling into new hands and new eyes and new minds? What if they loved it? What if they hated it? What if it scared all my loved ones away as they realize those words were carved from me?

What if no one even read it?

I don't know which outcome is the worst, which one is the best. So, I sit here in my nice little box and keep my mouth shut to reveal it only into a post no one will ever see.

No one will ever read this.

No one will ever read my book.

No one will ever know me.

I won't let them. It's not worth the risk.

Why did they choose my words? Why did I win? And, with the essay about me being a bitch to my 5th grade teacher, too--it's too surreal. I want to ask why; I need to know why. Why not the one about my flaws? Why not the short story of my childhood trauma, dressed up in poetic language and the symbolic nature of the butterflies plastered onto my wall?

Nope, it's the one about the man I hated as child, the one I blamed so many of our problems on. He had triggered it in her. He had started all of it. So I fought back in Wingdings font and well-rounded insults that showed my full understanding of figurative language.

Does he know? Would he even remember me? Would he remember her and everything he did to her?

I wonder if men like him are capable of remorse.

But, it's largely because of him that I am where I am today, and that sentiments coats the back of my tongue with a bitter taste. My writing has gotten me everywhere I've been, it's been the reason I've had every opportunity and chance thrown my way. It gave me the world food prize, it gave me an escape to live into, it gave me scholarships for college, it gave me worth to my old friends, and it's giving me another award.

And, I started writing because of him.

It's a little funny, isn't it? That the man I had blamed for destroying our childhood is equally behind much of the good in my present. Funny, then, that I'm winning still by writing horrible things about him to this day.

Oh, the people that make such an impact on our lives without ever realizing their soles' impression left behind them in the earth surrounding us.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

how do you decide how long to make a post? how do you know when to stop talking?

How long?

Each post is usually around 3,000 characters, plus formatting. So there's a maximum size. I don't usually post more than 1,500 characters per post, because it's hard to fit the whole thing in the text box. This means I usually do posts in 2-minute bursts, which gives me two or three such bursts per workday.

On my dashboard, I've set up a queue (by default) of posts with the tag I'm working on. If the queue is empty and I see an ask, it takes me to the post I want to write.

How do I know when to stop talking?

A lot of this depends on context. I generally post when I have something to say in response to something someone else said. But sometimes I write something and just realize it's not a very good post. Then I'll delete it. And I'm not the only one doing this. I used to follow this blog from the start (when I followed lots of other people), and at some point I noticed that the blog often had these kinds of cycles:

- someone posts a good idea, with an argument for why it's good, and someone points out a serious flaw in the argument. Sometimes multiple people do this within a single thread.

- it gets a lot of notes and becomes a popular post. Many people argue in it, and it can have hundreds of comments.

- more people point out flaws in the argument, people say "this post is too long," etc.

- the discussion often gets heated, and it gets "out of control." The post may get hundreds of additional comments, and may have 100,000+ notes. At this point the idea often seems to have escaped from the thread entirely. People may start new threads in other parts of tumblr.

But sometimes the post is just really bad, and the discussion does not escape from it. People may argue in the post for days. At some point, I feel like my post was a mistake, I should just delete it – I can't bear the thought of someone else taking up my idea without giving it the serious treatment it deserves.

Now I just wait for that "too long" thing to happen. I don't wait to get a bunch of "not enough notes" comments, because I know I've posted a bad post even if it's getting lots of notes – people have been talking about it for a while, it's out there.

This is not always a good idea. For instance, I did a post that did well (got lots of notes). Then I wrote a new post on the same topic and posted it, and it got even more notes (a million). I deleted it. I thought it was a bad post, but many people seemed to like it, so it must have just been me.