#i'm putting on my big boy pants with this one and being brave about posting it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bolognamayhem117 · 3 months ago

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Title: Rat-holed Memories.

Length: 4500 words

POV: Astarion

Pairing: Astarion/M!Elf!Tav(Rorik), rogue/paladin

Rating: MATURE 18+

Themes: mlm, consent, clarity of expectations, dissociation, manipulation, setting boundaries, light erotica, internal conflict.

Content Warnings: References to rape, incest, broken family dynamics, murder, slavery, mild knife play, anger, emotional outbursts.

Author notes: First and foremost, I created this character on my first playthrough after Robert and I bought the game a year ago. I picked up the controller with zero knowledge of the game's contents after being told you could play as a vampire. I said "That's bold of the developer, fuck it, I'll make Rorik's dumb ass and Smegol my way through the forgotten realms or whatever..." Turns out the person who told me that was referencing the Astarion Origin playthrough. I said "Screw It I'm Doing It Anyway! With the power of IMAGINATION." To my delight and surprise it really wasn't all that hard to use paladin spells, items, scroll hoarding, and armor to very closely model the homebrew build of Rorik the Degenerate Dhampir Sun Worshipping Paladin. He has his own issues which this ficlet hints at. He's cringe, be gentle.

@ghostkingart wrote a post desiring that the fandom wrote more fic about Astarion being denied intimacy due to concerns about intent and whether he's actually in the headspace to do so, with emphasis on his canon tendancy to go somewhere "a million realms away". I thought I could oblige. Digging in my docs for inspiration revealed that I'd basically already written this exact piece, give or take a few details. Decided to put on the Big Boy pants and be brave enough to post this.

I think healing is going to be messy for him. He's a big personality and these are some big complex feelings for a man who's been on the world's shortest leash for 200 years and also has had to solve every problem with either his body or a blade.

This fic also heavily implies that some healing and learning has already taken place so bear with me. Enjoy

“I don't know. It's veiled from me… I can't remember that clearly. Just. Parts… I think so.” Rorik told Astarion.

"Nothing? You remember nothing of circumstance or even who delegated to you at all?” Astarion scoffed and crossed his arms.

Astarion had been warned that some questions he might have may not have much of an answer, for Rorik was good at burying memories too sharp to hold. Knowing of the predilection toward purposeful forgetfulness didn't make this conversation any less frustrating. He wanted to know if Rorik had ever been sent to Baldur's Gate on loan, as Rainar often ordered him to do if a nobleman or another vampire lord bid high enough. He said he'd been to the city during that time, but maintained that he couldn't remember why.

“You want to know if Cazador ever paid Rainar to have someone vanish, don't you?” Rorik asked a new question rather than answer one they both knew the answer to.

“You told me the name Cazador Szarr was familiar, once.” Astarion probed.

“It is.”

“Then you should understand why that would concern me.”

"I do.” Rorik assured him with a single nod as he half-dozed, sprawled on his back.

Silence fell upon them as they lay still but restless in Astarion's slightly tidier than usual tent. Fitting two bedrolls in it necessitated some level of order. Frankly, Astarion hid the trash and used glassware behind his temporary abode. Rorik probably knew where the mess was, but said nothing.

“What would you say if you found out tomorrow that we passed like ships in the night long ago? What would it change?” Rorik inquired, appearing curious toward the demeanor of the bees in Astarion's bonnet.

“I'd ask what Cazador would have paid to have you do. I have to lay there, every damn night, wondering if that bastard sent the Gur down the street where I lost everything. It could just as easily have been you.” Astarion explained irritably. Sometimes Astarion felt like he had to spoon feed Rorik his thoughts. He should be able to string together the pieces by now.

"I have an opinion, Astarion, but it might not be a thought you want reinforced.” Rorik offered with a warning.

“give it.”

The dhampir spoke as if reading off law rather than opinion, the gravity of his tone leaving little room for argument. “Vampires are known to stalk a target for days. You should know, to a point. But lords, or true vampires, looking to create spawn for their own uses are different. They assign much, although sometimes arbitrary or even nonsensical, ritual to their pursuit. I'm certain, if he didn't send the Gur himself, he was already watching your every move for months.”

“...You're telling me he was inevitable.” Astarion muttered with venom and a curl of his upper lip.

“...I'm saying: vampire lords aren't spontaneous.” Rorik clarified.

“Well, all I'm saying is: you're missing my point. I wish you remembered. So I could be sure.” Astarion complained with a flick of his hands in the air above them.

“If it reassures you at all, I know for a fact that Cazador didn't send me. I'd have proper fucking killed you too completely to bring back.” Rorik abruptly stated.

“What!? Exactly what makes you so sure of that.” Astarion spat.

“Beating the guts out of a magistrate but not enough that a vampire cannot turn him sounds like a miserably delicate chore… I was never bought for things like that. I'm too heavy handed.” Rorik asserted bluntly.

In mostly mock hurt, Astarion went on the defensive. “No, I mean: what in the hells makes you think I was an easy mark?”

“Hmm? How much do you weigh?”

“Eh?”

Rorik sat erect to turn and loom over Astarion, arms caging the other as he held himself up with palms pressed flat to the floor by each of the elf’s shoulders.

He huffed through a smile full of sabers, he was about to tease, “Couple sacks of grain, if you were soaking wet, I’d guess. I could toss you over my shoulder and run up a hill without losing my breath. I imagine you wielded a quill and inkpot then. The sharpest thing in your arsenal might've been a letter opener.”

How dare this often bald cunt of a man wear that disgustingly smug grin, smear insults, and manage to be bizarrely charming all the while?

“Wrong,” Astarion rebutted, “men of Baldur's Gate are required starting at age nine to learn archery, and it is short sighted for an individual of my former station not to be prepared for scorned citizens challenging him to a duel over an unfavorable ruling. You would've bitten off more than you thought.” Astarion stubbornly asserted, completely guessing although he wouldn't admit that. He had no idea what he used to do in his spare time as a mortal, or where he lived, or even what his favorite food used to be…

“Hmm, you make a good argument, sure. But your hands wouldn't have known much hardship. Could they have fended off these ragged mits?” Rorik's right hand slid against the reed mat until fingertips found Astarion's elbow, from there encircling his forearm and following its shape until he met a wrist, then the hand he meant to squeeze.

Rorik's hands were square in their shapes, knuckles scarred until the skin remained thick and rough, crooked fingers from many breaks, and strange knots of bone that betrayed how many times he'd fractured his dominant hand as he gripped his sword and struck a shield or armor rather than flesh and bone. Astarion could feel every callus like a knot under the skin of Rorik's leathery palm. Their textures were jagged and would pull runs in fine silk.

Such a gnarled paw might've repelled Astarion a month ago. His always empty guts used to twist at the touch of a victim with hands like these. Those nights and those marks did feel as though they pulled vicious runs in the silk of his skin.

Rorik was just, as per fucking usual, the one outlier. Terrible hands on him, but they squeezed his fingers carefully, they were almost warm, and their textures were becoming nuanced to Astarion's touch. He was starting to think, perhaps, if you queued up ten men of the sword, whose hands were all terrible, he could pick out Rorik's while blindfolded.

He brought Astarion's knuckles to his lips, dragging them across his cheek with a sigh that teased a quick flash of his maw of ruthless thorns.

Rorik's eyes flickered an uncanny glimmer from the candlestick glow, the eyes of a smitten predator fixed to Astarion's equally haunting gaze.

“So soft now, softer still long ago I bet, but not as soft as your eyes.” Rorik cooed down to him from behind a finger he selected to kiss.

It made Astarion's throat itch dryly to hear that. His thirst always doubled when Rorik spoke of his eyes.

The bastard grinned against his hand with too many teeth showing. Rorik's way of flirting and giving a compliment was very different from Astarion's well practiced methods. He was much too frank. Rough cut gems was what the rogue called these moments in the relative privacy of his thoughts. Rorik was getting too cocky, however, so strange charms couldn't go unpunished.

Astarion hooked a heel into Rorik's knee, kicking that load bearing joint out from under him and destabilizing him just enough that the edge of a palm clapped around his jaw easily pulled him over. This allowed Astarion to roll with him, reversing the pin. His dagger, kept tucked under his pillow, was gathered in the lightning swipe of searching fingers and brandished at Rorik's jugular.

And Rorik? He simply went limp and chuckled. The Jackass had offered no resistance and gone slack under him, hands thrown back in surrender. It offended Astarion to be allowed to win their grapple, but Rorik's implicit trust in spite of the blade threatening him always made Astarion ache somehow. The inveterate crank under him snapped his jaws at anything that pressed his boundaries, but never Astarion. Adorable Idiot. To be fair, Rorik knew that these jabs and tussles were only fun and games.

“I was not entirely defenseless, and certainly no guileless lamb. Besides, you were no different than a spaw- pardon, but you were under the complete control of Rainar. If you were ordered to destroy a man without outright killing him, you’d have no choice but to comply.”

“I think you'd remember me. I'm not something you'd mistake for Gur. Unlike some people, I shall not name them, I actually look like an undead wretch.” Rorik shook his head -foolish to do with a blade pressed near to skin- and laughed softly against the cold kiss of Astarion's dagger.

The way the apple of his throat bobbed under the razor edge could wring any vampire’s stomach with hunger.

“...True, but not quite so any longer.” Astarion dragged a finger led by a languid arm from Rorik's navel to the space under his chin.

He meant to tilt this face for a closer appraisal. Rorik's expression changed, glazing over as Astarion's thumb followed the shape of his lower lip.

“You've turned rather pink since we began this little jaunt,” Astarion reminded him.

Interesting creatures, dhampirs. One foot in the grave at all times and a hand clawing a stubborn grip on life. Apparently, if they've been behaving like their undead half they will look the part, but Astarion had yet to observe Rorik feeding. That abstinence from the sanguine was reflected in his freckled, peachy skin. He might've been a touch sunburned across the bridge of his nose and the tip of each notched ear.

Rorik gazed up at Astarion, eyes searching, questing about his shapes. He stared as though he were looking upon that sun god he claimed not to love. Silly beastly thing. Blindly devoted damn fool.

“...Would you let me kiss you?” Rorik breathed.

What could one more impossible moment hurt? Who knew when Rorik would wake up and realize Astarion had no precious light to offer him?

“Mm, just this once, darling,” Astarion hummed with lips pulling into a loose smile. It was his turn to tease.

Rorik waited so very patiently, licking his scar streaked lips with what could be perceived as lewd eagerness, but eyes wide and full of something else that called softly.

Astarion retracted the dagger, slowly, making a show of it as he held it away from their bodies. Then, Casually, as he leaned back and settled his weight over Roriks lap, he allowed the blade to slip from his fingers and pierce the mats and dirt below. He left it sticking there, at the ready, but easily forgotten as he pitched forward to claim his companion's delectable mouth.

Rorik had tried to lift himself to greet Astarion, but palms clapped over his shoulders sent him back to the floor with a hollow thud resonating from his chest. The dhampir let slip the faintest moan of approval as his jaws parted for Astarion, offering the warmth within and the taste of his nightly herb brew. His arms wove themselves all about high elf.

Rorik always squeezed, held, stroked the rogue. It briefly repulsed Astarion that first time, when Rorik held so tightly and explored him so earnestly, but that had changed. The paladin longed to be close. He didn't want Astarion's body, Rorik wanted Astarion. That came with its own new form of revulsion. How could Rorik's standards be so low that he actually wanted all of the filth under Astarion's perfect surface?

Astarion knew the answer to that. He winced silently and masked the upset by delving deeper into the pleasures of Rorik's gasping mouth the moment he was done stealing a breath.

The ex-wife, Zarla, must surely be why Rorik found Astarion an acceptable partner. Astarion himself had uttered the perfect analogy for it once before. When you're accustomed to drinking from the sewer, even plonk is a marked improvement.

Anything at all must be better than being forced to swallow every last drop of misery to survive a borderline incestuous arranged marriage to a complete and whole nightmare of a woman.

Rough fingers massaged up the back of Astarion's neck, soon cradling the back of his head. Rorik seemed to like playing in his hair, since he had none of his own until very recently.

The moment Astarion thought of it, he moved to push his fingers though that scant half-inch of strawberry blond. Rorik had still been shorn up top the last time they… But he'd thought about it, curling his fingers in it, gripping it so tight, using it to shove Rorik's keening face in the pillow to muffle him.

Once, it was their second late night encounter, Rorik had mewled things in a tongue Astarion didn't know, both betraying the wellspring of his faint accent and revealing his patron god. A heathen sun diety which pre-dated Lathandor. That night many moons ago, Astarion had delighted in watching the paladin slap both hands over his gaped jaws to keep that holy name out of his mouth while he behaved profanely.

All Astarion could think about was gripping that short ginger crown and pulling Rorik’s head up from a pillow to hear his name mingling with half formed prayer. Oh, the things which come unraveled from Rorik's disciplined tongue when Astarion fucked him were always delectable. There was something sinfully gratifying in defiling a holy man. It must be the same thing which kept Rorik coming back for more and more of Astarion. He must crave to be engulfed by the elf’s tainted touch, like an addict who craved the deadly bliss in his own destruction.

Astarion slipped his curious tongue between the split halves of Rorik's. Maybe after, he'd ask why the man had his tongue sliced. Could be a faith thing, or perhaps a fun story, but hopefully not another rat-holed memory from worse times. He set aside the thought and chose instead to be gratified in the way Rorik arched under him.

Rorik's hands curled in hair and slid down Astarion’s spine, but that left claw hesitated at his waistband and instead formed a self-restraining fist in the elf's untucked shirt. No, no, he wanted Rorik to go further. He wanted to give Rorik his hit of destroying bliss, keep him close, keep him asleep and unaware of how unfit his favorite “pain in the ass” was for him.

His guts were grinding acid at the wolves playing tug-o-war in his silent chest. Rorik aroused Astarion's dead flesh and dead heart, that was true, but it repulsed him that the only catharsis he could summon for that were the things he could do to Rorik's flesh to lure him closer. It made it feel like working one of his marks, the men and women who’d walk and blush at his side without knowing they were good as dead. This felt like raping himself and Rorik with a predatory false self.

Astarion wanted to sink through the floor into the dirt and become beetle shit, he wanted to make Rorik wail his name, and he wanted to drag all of the beauty in the world through the tar in his soul for revenge. He hated feeling it all at the same time, but most of all, his worm-holed brain screamed to keep Rorik in place, with him, blind to his truth but with him.

Gods, five minutes ago he'd accused Rorik of potentially being involved in his murder, then held him at knifepoint while the fool giggled at the game. It was only a matter of time before he saw it all for what it was. The flailing of some irreversibly ruined creature. But he could keep Rorik coming back...

I just need a little more. Stay a little longer. A few more moments to last me once you-

Astarion flattened himself to Rorik's sprawled body to let him feel the arousal he’d inspired. Putrid. Rorik's lips stretched open to drag in a much needed breath, face screwing up as his head fell back while he was ground upon. He submitted to the desire to crush Astarion closer. His arms would snap taut about Astarion so fast when he became overcome by desire. This yearning squeeze was the signal of victory for Astarion every time. He'd won. Rorik was his. He'd pushed him to the-

Rorik broke from the embrace of their lips and turned his face away, sucking down two great breaths between his words “Solan's tits… Astarion?... Astarion, Wait.”

Rorik's arms loosened from him, then carefully lifted away. He put them at his sides and flattened his hands against the reed mat in a calculated manner. Astarion's command over the situation had slipped away. He could feel warm breath heating his cheek and sense eyes trying to find his own. Astarion didn't meet the other's gaze, he couldn't because he didn't want to see Rorik's bloody concern. It was worse than the most depraved leer.

“What? Darling, you're souring the mood. Wouldn't you rather…” Astarion tried to put them back on course by laying a perfectly placed kiss at the space just under Rorik's right ear.

Predictably, the man shivered at that delicate affection and his hands clapped over Astarion's thighs to apply their crushing squeeze of approval. Gods, you're easy. Right back on the road, like recalling a loyal mutt gone sniffing too far ahea-

The thought nauseated him the moment it completed itself in his head, comparing Rorik to an animal to be commanded. The revulsion turning his stomach gave him pause, stopping him dead in the middle of suckling a decadently soft earlobe between his lips to hiss mournfully.

Rorik's hands pressed over the mound of each shoulder. He pushed slowly, putting space between them. Chaos erupted within Astarion like a crowd of men shouting over one another.

No! Not yet… Gods, thank you… Don't leave!?

Astarion was made to sit up with Rorik as he rose from the mat. He was then seated in the paladin's lap, but there was nothing titillating about it. Rorik's eyes bore through him like drill heads. His stare made Astarion feel naked when they were like that, stripped, but not erotically. He just saw him. Through him. Into him. He used to hate that and it still unnerved him, being seen.

“Astarion, let's talk about this first,” He spoke much too softly, like addressing a sniffling child. It made Astarion feel infantile.

“Talk? Why? Don't you want to forget where we are? For just a moment?” Astarion pivoted, sliding a palm over Rorik's cheek to hook his fingers over the back of his neck, bringing him close again.

If he kissed and nibbled just right, between the scars, Rorik would offer a feed. Bastard loved pain. Probably needed it to get off at this point. A bite would put a stop to this nonsense, all Astarion needed was permission. It was time to bring a sword to a knife fight.

“Ast-... Oh my….- wait, wait! No.” Rorik forced his hands between them again to put a foot of distance between his neck and Astarion's fangs.

Gods damn it. Astarion's stomach twisted, but not out of hunger, at the word no. A word he barely knew how to use. He couldn't ignore it. Rorik had refused him. He had to stop.

“Astarion, I don't-... I want to be told what you want. I don't want to guess. We agreed not to, I want to be sure this is really what you want.” Rorik told him, again too gently, and let his hands settle at either side of the other's waist.

“I would have thought I seemed damn sure of what I wanted eight seconds ago, but I'm starting to think you've gone and robbed me of even that!” Astarion swatted at Rorik's hands to banish them from his body and spat bitterly before he could think better of it.

He’d lost at his own game, all because he couldn't hold his disgust at bay anymore. Rorik must have sniffed it out. Bastard had ruined him. Taken away the one thing he truly was good at. Or good for.

Rorik said nothing and only looked at him, brows pinching and turning upward just as his eyes revealed his exhaustion. Astarion had to look away. It hurt. It was fucking agony to be looked at that way and see how lost Rorik appeared on what to do or say.

I'm projecting. Fuck.

No, Rorik knew exactly what he wanted to do. He'd wanted clarification on what Astarion wanted and expected and asked. Astarion on the other hand…

“I-... I don't know what I'm trying to do.” Astarion lied and told the truth at the same time. Felt disgusting, hiding intentions but admitting uncertainty in the same breath.

“What do you not want to do?” Rorik asked, but Astarion wasn't sure what to make of the phrasing.

Ah! Yes, a reference toward Astarion's lurid tendencies. Yes, he used to pretend to “want” just about anything to hook a mark and gain their implicit trust. Astarion's palm struck Rorik, albeit not as hard as he deserved, upon the cheek and jaw to shove him away. Bastard's hands clenched in his shirt on reflex, making escape more difficult than it should be. “The hells is that supposed to mean? Do I have to spell it out for you again?! I played the role of a prostitute. It was all lies and-”

“No no! I meant that: Sometimes it's easier to know what you don't want.” Rorik barely restrained a bellow as he rushed the words past the hand which muffled him. He continued, more mindful of his voice. “Which is. I don't know… Something to go on.”

Gods, Astarion loathed to do it, to let go of the misfired anger, but the wisdom Rorik spoke was sufficient. He felt foolish for the misunderstanding, too, and he burned with renewed anger and irritability. He knew one thing he didn't want, and it left him feeling that he appeared inordinately needy as he dropped his hands into his lap uselessly.

“I don't want to be alone… Tonight I mean. I don't want to be alone tonight.” Astarion admitted part of the problem, painfully.

“And I am happy to resolve that. Anything else you don't want?”

Astarion was reassured, a little. Trying to think about what he wanted was, indeed, fucking impossible. He was too shameful to admit that he was trying to pick up where he left off seducing Rorik for fear he would one day leave him in the absence of sex. Astarion tried to figure out how to tell enough of the truth not to hate himself.

“I don't want to… I don't want to hate it. Sleeping with you. I don't want sex. But I want it.” Astarion gripped Rorik's shoulders tightly and mimed jerking him close, but his eyes soon had to crush shut to hold back tears. “...But I can't. The thoughts, the loathing. It comes when I used to be able to just. Put myself away and do what I came to do.”

Rorik's hands covered the back of Astarion's fingers where they pressed red marks into his shoulders, pulling them down to be held tightly between their bodies. Thumbs stroked over his knuckles so tenderly. It was far more than Astarion felt he deserved.

Rorik kept his eyes on their entwined hands. “I understand, I think.”

“I don't… Want to treat you like a victim. But I don't want you to..-�� he lost his words in his throat.

Rorik lifted Astarion's left hand to his lips, as he so often did. He was starting to wonder if the man had a hand fetish. “You can tell me anything, I swear that I'll try to understand. What don't you want me to do?”

Why are you good to me?

“I just. Don't want you to leave… Tonight.” Astarion wasn't ready to tell Rorik that he was waiting for him to wake up one morning jaded and too exhausted from this game to carry on playing it.

lips pressed to the inside of Astarion's wrist. “Then you have me until Sol calls me to prayer, and then you'll have me again if you wish it. And you may do, or not do, whatever you like with me... And changing your mind is perfectly legal."

That made Astarion's chest tight. Bastard was getting too good at quelling the storms in Astarion's head. It scared him, the possibility that Rorik could use that new talent to manipulate just as he'd been manipulated. Drag along the carrot of innocent affections. But, to gain what? Rorik had offered it countless times with almost no gain. He just didn't seem work the way Astarion did.

I don't deserve this.

At least, for now, Astarion knew what he wanted after a moment more watching Rorik tenderly worship his hand with a savage mouth. He longed for more of that specifically.

“Would you let me kiss you?” He parroted, then added after another moment of careful thought, “...I want that. With certainty. I want to kiss you until our lips bruise, actually,”

Rorik smiled in Astarion's favorite way. His head tipped to one side while a silent laugh left him through a grin which pressed his eyes closed.

“I could gladly piss away the whole night with that if you let me, you should be careful what you wish for,”

“Oh? You're dealing with a professional. I doubt you'd last ten minutes.” Astarion goaded.

“Sounds like grounds for a bet. Loser has to be the big spoon.” Rorik taunted back.

“Done,”

Arms clenched tight under Astarion's weight, scooping him under the rump to smash him close. Rorik slotted his face under Astarion's chin for a kiss at the join of his clavicle.

“Cheeky,”

“You never specified where I was to kiss you, care to offer further instruction?” Rorik murmured into his skin.

Smart bastard, “You're tricking me into setting boundaries again, aren't you?”

“Yep,” was Rorik's shameless, one syllable admission of guilt.

“Fine, nothing below the neck.”

“And not my ears, please.” Rorik added.

“... Because that gets you-”

“Unreasonably hot, yes.”

A kiss brushed under Astarion's left jaw as Rorik's arms relaxed to let him sink again. It made him shiver.

“So, we have an accord?” Astarion had to beg one more assurance just because he knew he'd be given it freely.

Lips pressed dryly over his own before he got his answer. “Yes,” he heard right before another peck landed right between his eyes, followed by a chuckle.

“This isn't exactly what I had in mind.” Astarion complained softly, unsure what to do with the squirmy, restless feeling in his core. Rorik was being too endearing. That's what got them into this mess. Fucker kept making him feel- well…. Making him feel.

“Then, I will require another round of your instruction on how, precisely, Mr. Ancunin wishes to be kissed?”

“Gladly.” Astarion promised.

#astarion ancunin #astarion #bg3 tav #tav(rorik)#fanfiction #mature themes #baldurs gate 3 #astarion fanfic #male tav

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diaperedfitzypoo · 1 year ago

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So I love looking at all the beautiful women/ ABDL/Diapered women! I love the ones who mess and look so cute and comfortable in their diaper!

I guess you can say I'm addicted to it. So bad I use to have over 6000 screen shots saved...😒😬🫨😓 I'm only a shamed of the fact I am taking up so much space with nonsense I can pretty much look at any time.

I see so many of the same pictures over and over. Other people re posting pictures I seen back in the late 90s, when it was hardly a known fetish. The early 2000s... or even reposting other people's pictures on here...

I feel like I have seen a majority of ABDL photos throughout the years...

Point being saving screen shots is pointless and a qast of data and space...

Not to mention incriminating to my personal life.

I just got a new phone and I'm not taking any screen shots. I'm done with it! I won't post other people's pictures from their profile no matter how much I love them!

I need to communicate and message the beautiful women who post on here that I follow.

I'm pretty shy and am nervous, I feel like a weirdo or a perv when I try to comment, so I just try to compliment and be brief.

Sometimes I really wish I could really open up and talk to a real AB women or just a DL.

Not a mommy! I don't know how many ti.es I need to post saying this! NOT LOOKING FOR A FAKE ASS MOMMY! YOU ALL WHO TRY TO FOLLOW ME AND TRY TO MESSAGE ME, NONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN REAL. You might actually want to be an abdl mommy but you all are scam artists. I'm not paying for some one who lives across the USA in far different states to pretend to be a mommy and tell me what to do.

I'm not a full-time diaper wearer, even tho I really widh i could be! I'm very personable about my fettish. Only maybe 8 or 9 people I know personally know about my fetish, and none of them really say anything or judge me. They realized how upset I get when they put me on blast in front of people. Like I'm supposed to admit, I like wearing diapers to the general public? No! That's the worst ever because I know just about everyone around everywhere I have lived.

Trinity County Northern California is a small place where all my family live, and everyone knows everyone literally.

Klamath Falls Oregon also small town where everyone around would judge you and talk crap.

Eugen Oregon was a much bigger place where I would have loved to be diapered in public. I'd definitely go out in public there in a diaper. I'd go not as a sissy or a big baby boy, but I'd go out in a big, thick diapered butt and plastic covers in public. That would be fun to do every once in a while. Too bad I never got to be my weird self in one of the weirdest places in the USA. Eugene Oregon is one of my favorite places I have ever lived. Even tho I was homeless while I lived there and stayed at the mission. It was an experience to be a part of for sure. I recommend any ABDL to go there at least for a vacation and stay diapered the whole time. I guess that on my bucket list to go back and experience the city being a part of the weirdness and to embrace the weirdness that is Eugene Oregon

Sacramento California/ Davis California

Sacramento is one where I did go out diapered in public a few times, but it was nerv wracking, especially North Sacramento I didn't ever wear a diaper out in public, I'd get shot for being a weirdo white guy. Downtown Sacramento around the state Capitol building, I'd go diapered under my pants or shorts out in public, but there are stranger people walking around, like furries in full costumes, around in the day. That would be embarrassing. But I give them props they are much more brave than I.

Davis California is a popping college town just southwest of Sacramento. It's known for its university, UC Davis. It's a pretty town I went around in a diaper a few times. I went out to a bar diapered one night with my best friend. He had no idea I was wearing abwet soaked diaper almost the whole time. I was hoping that a kinky collage girl would notice my bulging bum or even my piss soaked front. But no one noticed. With that, tho I was actually relieved because I didn't want my best friend to know about my fetish. He might know about it. IDK if he ever found out or if he knows that this fetishism exists.

Last is Lake Havasu City Arizona

Lake Havasu is the hottest city in the USA, FACTS! I went to high school here. I moved back here for a job that I have had for two years, I loved that job. The best job I have ever had in my life. I got paid what I was worth there. I was making great money. However, that ended quite abruptly. I'm still struggling from that loss. I have lived in a few places out here and had lost them due to bad alcoholic roommates, both the places I lived . The first place I lived was with my old best friend from high school and his budy Corey, who had issues with me. He had control issues and was jealous of my relationship with my old best friend. Now my old best friend knows that I love diapers and I would order lots of ABDL stuff. Like different types of diapers, I only drempt of wearing and using. Baby cloths. Ckear Plastic diaper cover, a few passifiers, and a footie that is way too hot to wear here, but it's so comfy to wear three diapers all at once and my plastic cover. I'd wear them around the house. It's the only time where I felt completely comfortable in my diapers, completely diapered around my roommates. The roommates Corey and his gf didn't care or make fun of me. In fact, Corey's girlfriend was supportive about my fetish and thought it was kinda cute. They would bring my packages in for me. But after we had a falling out, I had to move out. I became homeless.

Here, I am now living on the streets of the hottest city in the USA, struggling to find work and some stability. I just want to live a normal life.

So, my next place I'm aiming to move to is Las Vegas Nevada. Where there are lots of opportunities for work. I have old friends that live there that I want to be around. Lots of good music, great shows to go to, concerts that I'll not miss ever again! But most of all, I have a new girlfriend. I just started dating, kinda... we have known each other since high school, so over 20 years we have known each other, we went to our first big metal show together. It was epic! Her and I talk about that concert all the time since we have reconnected. She is the first girlfriend I have had in around 6 or 7 years, and I'm stoked about having her say yes to being mine. She has already told me one of her kinks she wants to be pinned down by me aggressively and for me to have my way with her. She said she knows it's a fucked up fantasy to want to feel like she's being forced to do whatever I want to her to do. She wants to feel abused and used. It's her fantasy who am I to say no, I won't do that for her. I absolutely aim to please my partner. I don't get off unless they do. Unless diapers are involved. Then I cum a lot in my diapers. But that fun won't come for a while. I want to be sure that I have her full trust, and I hers before I attempt to let her see me in a diaper or even tell her about it. I might start much smaller of a fetish like start with pee. I'd like her to piss all over me. From there, we can move on to diapers. I'm going to make her my dream baby's girl, 100% she will like it eventually. She is already ready to do kinky things with me. I'm looking forward to building our relationship.

Also, living in Vegas will be cool as hell because I can go out diapered in public 100%. No nervousness what so ever. I'm really, really looking forward to going out at night fully diapered, maybe even wearing multiple diapers all at once out down the strip with plastic covers, maybe. Unfortunately, the adult diaper store, I was just informed the other day that it's getting closed down...😭🥺😭🥺😭😣😖🤧😭🤧🥺🥺😭 waaaahhhh, that was number one on my ABDL bucket list. Now it's going to be closed by the time I save up money to move up to Las Vegas. Sad days🥺😭🤧🥺😫😭🥺🤧

I hope my girlfriend likes them the same way as I do, or Is willing to try to like them. Atleast for me.

I'm not into men in any way!

All my photos on my simple page on here are actually me.

It seems abdl men love my photos, fine I'm glad to share and that some people like them. Man or woman.

But I like women!

So, on this last note, please any woman who might actually read my post... I'm really an ass person, and I want to talk to real people.

Thanks for reading this I hope it reaches the right people.

#ab/dl diaper #diapered guy #diaper fun #real diapered people #diapered life

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sebs-anxiety-and-insanity · 4 years ago

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Drake & Cal

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Drake smiled looking over himself in the mirror. Baby blue shirt and black pants, his glasses had a small tint of black around the edges, complimenting his silver eyes. His green hair pushed to the side. He rocked on his feet a moment before picking up his bag, quickly heading down stairs. "Now, Dray, sit down and eat. And do take out the jewelry before your father gets here." Drake rolls his eyes grabbing a piece of toast. "Can't mom, I'll be late, and today I start my job so.... bye!" And with that Drake raced out the door. He sat at the bench and waited for the bus that would take him to his destination. He sighs pulling out his phone to scroll through tumblr.

A few minutes later the bus arrives, and Drake eagerly rushes in, scanning the seats before picking one beside his best friend. Their name was Bea, they had been best friends since they were kids, And knew everything about each other, so of course, they were the best choice. Bea still had their black hair, and dashing personality. "You ready?" Drake asked, Bea just now noticing his presence. "Whoa- Jesus- Don't do that!" Drake chuckles sliding his bag underneath his seat. "'Glowsticks- need I say more'?" Drake gestures to Bea's shirt. Bea looks up from their phone again. "Need I say more?" They slid their phone into their pocket. "So, what job do you think we'll get?" Drake smiles slightly bringing his right leg up to his chest. "I don't know, probably some fast food joint, it's what most teenagers get." They nod their head turning so that their back is against the window. "Yeah, probably.... but what if we get an exciting job? It's not unheard of!!" Drake rolls his eyes. "Your idea of exciting is the possibility of dying, but not dying. And while that's all good and all, I'd never hear the end of getting stuck with that kinda job." Bea punches his arm lightly. "It's not getting 'stuck' it's getting picked! You know the job picks you!!" Drake sighs. "You always did believe in that didn't you?" Bea leans forward, pointing in his general direction. "So did you," they leaned back laying their legs over Drake's. "And still do if I recall correctly." Drake drops his arms over Bea's legs, scoffing. "Yeah, don't remind me." A loud ding was heard throughout the bus, followed by the driver. "Its your driver, here, I advise you to get ready to exit the bus, uh, we are nearing our destination." Drake swatted at Bea's legs reaching down for his bag after they moved to get their own bag. "Well, I'm excited." Drake stands up setting his leg on the seat. "Yeah, well, I'm not." Bea rolls their eyes. "Alright grumpy pants, calm down." Drake scoffs as the bus comes to a halt. The doors slowly opened. "Alrighty, ladies, gents, and all you lovely people, we have reached our destination, please exit the bus, and watch your step!" Drake pushes off the chair and exits the bus, slowing his pace so Bea can catch up. In front of him was 'The Workplace Chooser', they couldn't choose a better name? It was huge. The glass windows reached the ceiling in the center of the building, the sides went on for a while, before they stopped and buses filled the next spots, getting ready to take the people to their new job. Bea nudged his shoulder, pulling their hair into a loose ponytail. "C'mon, slow poke." Drake picked up his pace, watching the fountains as they displayed the show of water. Bea ran up and held open the door, bowing when Drake got close enough. Drake walked into the building, taking in his surroundings. When you walk in there is a grand staircase, at either sides of the stairs there are purple plants. Many people were rushing by looking for their bus. Bea rolled their eyes dragging Drake up the stairs.

Drake groaned, not that anyone could hear his frustration, as the room was full to the brim with other teenagers. But he still let Bea drag him around. The room was divided into three sections, no apparent categories, and they all faced a big stage. Bea dragged him to the back row in the middle section. They both sat down watching the other teens closely. Soon enough the lights dimmed and the noise settled. A man in a suit walked up to the podium in the center of the stage. "Hello, future workers of good!!!! I know you are so excited for your jobs, correct?" Assorted cheers erupted through the crowds, and Drake slid further back into his chair. The man smiled, looking down seemingly at a peice of paper. "Alright, so this year we are going in groups of four, and we will start with the important jobs first." Drakes phone buzzed, sighing he sat up pulling out his phone. There was a new text. 'Has your brother been called yet?' Drake typed a quick 'no' before going back to listening to the speaker. "-t, and next is the helpers!!! We have just four of those in this year. Are you ready to see who these brave men, women, and people are?" More cheers erupted through the room, Bea being the loudest. Drake flinched, elbowing Bea lightly. "Alrighty! First up is, Seth Banks, Catlin Bea, Tiffany Grace," Bea nudged Drake grinning wickedly. "And Drake Brins! A round of applause for these great teens who have been chosen! Please find the bus outside your exit!"

Drake was shocked. So shocked he didn't notice being pulled out of the room. He snapped out of it shortly after being slapped a few times. A blonde girl was standing before him smiling sweetly, wearing a grey sweater, with shorts. "Hey there! You alright?" Drake looked around spotting Bea walking towards the group with their bags. Drake nodded and started to get up. The girl helped him to his feet. "I'm Tiffany, she/her pronouns!" Drake smiled. "Uh, Drake, he/him pronouns." Bea handed Drake his stuff before turning to the other person in the group, wearing a long sleeve shirt with jeans. Their hair was blood red. Bea looked at me before stepping closer to the individual. "That's Seth, he/him pronouns." Bea nodded, and Seth turned to us. "I'm fine, let's just go." It looked like Seth wiped his face before picking up his bags. "Okay, let's go!" Tiffany picked up her bag and walked with us. "So.... we are gonna be roommates?" Bea nodded excitedly. "Yeah! I know all about this job! Except you know the confidential things." Tiffany nodded, holding open the glass doors for us. I nodded, "Yeah, they were really hoping for this job." Bea nodded. "Ever since I knew it existed!!" We entered the bus and chose seats in the back. I pushed my bag under the seat as Seth sat down next to me, Bea and Tiffany a few rows up, on the other side of the bus. "Hey, Seth, how are you?" Seth chuckled a bit. "Like I said I'm fine, were you even listening?" I shrugged. "Yeah, but just making sure." Seth turned to me, scanning over my face before he gets closer to me. "You okay?" He asks laying his head on my shoulder. "Yeah, I guess." He scoffed dropping his bag on the floor. "Yeah, and I'm the queen of England!" "I just wasn't expecting this job, now, I've told you my problem, how about you?" He tensed as the bus started pulling out, and heading to their new work place. "Only if you want to of course," he nodded. "Yeah, thanks." He pulls out a pair of headphones and starts some music. "You wanna hear?" "Hm? Oh- yeah, sure." He hands out a ear bud, which I take and put in my ear, looking out the window as music played. "You have great taste in music." Seth nods crossing his arms. I lean on the window, watching the scenery. This is gonna be a long ride isn't it?

"Alrighty!! We have arrived at our destination!!! Congratulations, helpers!" Rolling my eyes I hand Seth back his earbud reaching for my bag. We all filed out of the bus as other buses did the same, the grand building standing in front of us, mainly secluded by miles and miles of trees, and what seemed to be a beautiful mansion, a bit older for most peoples taste, but I loved it. The fountain in front of it was overgrown, and the fences looked like they had been placed way after the house was built. We walked up to the doors and waited. A different group stood beside me, there was a boy, angry looking, like he didnt wanna be here. I snapped my head back to the doors so he wouldnt know I was staring. All of the sudden he punched my shoulder lightly. "I'm Markus, what about you?" Clearing my throat I nervously turn towards Markus. "Uh Drake, I really hope no problems arise, it is our first day." The boy rolled his eyes, dropping his arm around my shoulders. "yeah, yeah, hey listen, we should stick together, I got your back you got mine. You look like the type to deal some damage when needed." I pushed him off me. "No, I dont know if I can trust you. And even so, you dont look like the type to keep to yourself for even a second." He scoffed. "Yeah, okay buddy. I bet." I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, I am the fifth precinct's leaders son. I'm no smart guy, but those clothes look like their fifth precinct. So watch yourself buddy." I scoff turning back to the doors as someone in a powdered suit walks out with a clipboard. "Hello helpers! Your ranks are posted in your quarters; Be wise my dear helpers, you have been chosen. Do not let us, or your precinct down. This is a great day for all of you." The lady looked at the clipboard for a moment before looking up. "Welcome to MCOU."

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Hope you liked the first chapter/part!

Tag list (you can ask to be added or removed):

@irei-art

#Drake & Cal #hope you liked it

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just-a-catcher-in-the-rye · 5 years ago

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Brazilian Independence Day

Things are going well here. I miss my animals a lot though! 😕 I’m heading to Florinopolis with my class tomorrow so I’ll make a post about that when I get back. 😁

Soooo… Crazy thing! My mom and I both went to the same Japanese celebration on the same day but on different continents. We even both wore Rotary shirts without planning it. It was pretty cool. There was an awesome drum performance, fighting performances, and dancing performances. I went with the new French exchange student. He dosen’t speak English or much Portuguese, but he does speak a lot of Spanish. I honestly thought he was speaking Portuguese because I understood what he was saying, but then I relized he was saying “but” in Spanish and not Portuguese. Then I noticed more words haha. So I aparently can understand Spanish now because we were walking around and chatting for an hour and we talked most of the time. I’m pretty proud of that because that means I have a good enough grasp on Portuguese to be able to understand Spanish. Portuguese speakers can understand Spanish speakers, but Spanish speakers have a hard time understanding people who speak Portuguese. I found it super crazy that I couldn’t tell which language it was because I understood haha. Pretty cool! 😸

So the relationship between the exchange students in my town is kind of humorous. There is a 15 year old from Taiwan (so brave!), a 16 year old from France, and a 19 year old from France. The relationship between us is humorous because the boy from Taiwan and the 19 year old from France don’t understand how the world works yet so they still need a lot of help and direction, and they look for the help and direction from me. Not their smartest option. They treat me like their mother! 🤦 I’m the one that brings the backpack with sunscreen, snacks, and water. They both blow up my phone (text/call a bunch of times until I answer) when they have the slightest inconvenience that they don’t know what to do about. Last weekend one of them called me at 3 am because he didn’t know what was happening the next day, where it was happening, and what to wear. 😅 The other one (15 year old) had texted me about his “crisis” of whether he should walk in the parade with the other exchange students or his basketball team the night before the parade haha. I helped him decide and the “crisis” was fixed. Another example is when we were at the inbound orientacion and it had been raining and he was going to go play football (soccer) and I notice he’s wearing his nice white Gucci shoes. I tell him that he should consider changing his shoes and he does the whole teenager “but (insert thing that will definitely happen here) won’t happen.” Then I do the “okay, but remember what I told you when your favorite pair of shoes are ruined” thing. He ended up changing his shoes haha. I kinda thought that I would be the most clueless one here.

Brazilian Independence day was last weekend and It wasn’t treated like Independence day in the US. I was in a short parade with the other exchange students in my town and then I went to watch a basketball game with my family and the other exchange students.

I started going to a local gym. I was really proud of myself because my sister helped me start my membership, but I gave the desk lady my information. Then my sister left and I was on my own with an employee that spoke no English (we used an app for some of our communication). He showed me around and I worked out for an hour and then walked back to my host fathers restaurant without getting lost! 💪 That experience may not seem like a big deal, but it was because that would be something that I would be nervous to do in the US and I did it in another language without knowing anybody there. I also definitely feel like more of a local with a long term gym membership lol.

Side notes

I tried wine from Chile. It just tasted like wine lol. When my host mom first offered it to me I thought that it might be a test so I refused, but then my host sister told me that it wasn’t and that our Rotary was okay with taste testing alcohol with your host family. Not enough to get drunk or buzzed of course.

Two guys from my class really want to throw me a party. Not for any reason in particular though lol. I love the Brazillian way 😂

I didn’t think about this being something suprising until I was talking to my mom and she was surprised, but people in Brazil listen to mostly music from the US. Nobody I know in Brazil well watch any shows from Brazil. They watch shows from the US in English with Portuguese subtitles because they say that the emotion of the acting is lost when the voice over is in Portuguese. When I first got here I asked them to change it to Portuguese audio because I thought they were just watching it in English to make me comfortable, but I soon found out that people always watched shows/movies in English.

Do any of you think that the US owns the rain forest? If so, I encourage you to do some research. 😊 A lot of people in Brazil think that people in the US think they own the rain forest. I'm not sure if a lot of people think this or not.

Just a reminder to be kind to foreigners because it’s people like me that have to apologize for all of the US and hear all the awful stories about the things that people from my country have said/done to hurt the people around me 💔

I had my first Portuguese class and I already looked through the workbook to find that I already knew everything they are planning to teach. I was disappointed, but the class is a good excuse to spend time with the other exchange students in my town 👍

One of the biggest culture shocks that I have had since I’ve been here is how taboo it is to talk about sex and periods. Two very natural things. Brazil is such an open culture in so many ways that I didn’t expect this. The government won’t even let schools put period products in school bathrooms because they (men in government) think it aludes to sexual behavior 🙄

There’s this thing called an English Festival and all the classes choreograph and dance to different music. It is up to each class how they want to do things. My class has several songs and choreography with different people. I am dancing in three of the songs. I’m only super embarrassed lol 🙈

Japanese festival

Japanese drum performance

Japanese festival

Japanese festival with French exchange student (16 years) and his host family

Independence day parade

Evening meal with both French exchange students and my host family after the basketball game. Pizza in Brazil is awesome!

Walking in the park with my host sister and three of our friends. This is a popular passtime in Brazil. Also, I'm wearing my school uniform in this photo. The pants are like fancy sweatpants lol

Something that's important to understand. I encourage you to look at this image and really take time to think about it

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