#i'm posting the whole thing tomorrow. just wanted to take note of this and suffer | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

antiadvil · 6 days ago

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Okay so. It all starts with: one of my migraine preventatives gives me insomnia. Which can get pretty bad especially when combined with, you know, the migraine. I've tried to go off of it, but the pain was so bad that I decided to just deal with it and try going off again when I get my second round of Botox, or third, or when I get to go on one of the monoclonal antibodies. You get the idea. Surely ONE of those things has to be good enough that I don't need to keep taking insomnia juice especially considering I am ALSO on beta blockers like give me a fucking break.

So with the insomnia and no real schedule I need to stick to, my sleep schedule has gotten progressively more and more fucked, but yesterday was still for sure an outlier. I slept for an hour and 40 minutes from like, 3am to 4:30? I had a nightmare and didn't want to go back to sleep, and I wasn't really tired until 8 or 9, by which point I was like, MCR tickets go on sale at 10am, I might as well just stay awake for that. So I do. At which point my headache is getting worse bc of the whole sleep thing, and also, I'm super hungry (like I literally ate dinner idk what more you want from me body) but also incredibly nauseous, I keep taking bites of a granola bar and then gagging, and I eventually throw out the granola bar bc FUCK YOU if you're gonna be like that. So I've resigned myself to my suffering.

Anyways, I get good luck with concert tickets for literally the first time in my life, take a moment to reflect on how expensive event tickets have ALL gotten post-Covid like give me a break?? Take a zofran and go back to bed. I don't quite sleep for 3 hours, but it's the longest chunk of sleep I get that day, so when I go to my sleep in the Fitbit app it shows me that I slept from 10am to like, 2. Great. Okay. I'm just nocturnal now, I guess.

My head felt better after I slept (which is good bc naps are very hit or miss) and I wasn't nauseous anymore. Thank you zofran. I do accidentally cut myself making lunch and it hurts and is probably the worst cut I've ever gotten but whatever. That's a low bar, I've lived a relatively accident-free life. I have to take time to clean it and all that which is annoying but the pain is a distraction from the head pain, so that's a little bit nice (this is where I'm at in life). I eat lunch (thank you zofran). I do some other stuff, probably, I mainly remember looking at my ao3 marked for later, realizing it was 45 pages long, and going "goddamn, I've got to do something about that." And then reading fic for like an hour.

Approaching dinner time and the nausea must be coming back bc I was Not Hungry. Whatever!! I didn't like zofran anyways. I skipped my insomnia juice dose because I wanted to try to fix my sleep schedule so that's probably not making my head feel great. Fucked up sleep schedules can be a migraine trigger for me too so like, there was no way this was ever going to be a good migraine day, but it was at least short considering it started around 2pm. Around 9pm I agreed to beta a fic, it's really short so I figured I could do it that night even though I haven't taken my adhd meds in days and the migraine is definitely getting worse. Like, no one is going to be mad at me or anything if I say sure let me get to that tomorrow, there's no deadline, I just think I can do it and there's no point putting off things I can do, it's not like I can wait for a pain free day to tackle my to do list. So I read it and make my notes and it does take a bit longer than I expected bc the pain is getting distracting and the general fogginess set in a while ago but I finish it. By the time I finish it's very clear that I need to get to bed like, right now. Actually sooner than that, if at all possible. I stare at my fridge and try to drink a yogurt drink because dinner is good for you. My stomach reminds me that it's NAUSEOUS. How dare I try to feed it right now. Okay sorry!!!! I don't have time for more zofran. I get my ice pack out of the freezer, which is making weird noises. I stare at it for a while and think about putting in a maintenance request. Do I look like someone who knows anything about freezers. I don't like those noises but like. Not my problem right now. Except for the fact that my ice pack could definitely be colder, that kind of is my problem right now.

The really cool thing about daily migraines is that there are exactly two rescue medications you can take more than three times a week. Most you can only take twice. A fun fact about me is I've tried both of those medications, and they don't really work for me. Nurtec is an okay chaser for residual photophobia but on its own? It's not going to help for most of my migraines. And, according to the receipt on the box I got a few days ago, 8 pills costs $1206 before insurance, so it's not easy to get ahold of. So when my migraine starts to get bad past like, 4pm, I'm not going to waste a dose of something that could potentially make me feel better for a full day on like 6 hours. I'm just going to take Benadryl and go to bed early. Sleeping for the night usually reduces my pain levels. I don't know why the Benadryl works, all I know is I got IV Benadryl once and woke up feeling so much better it was suspicious, and other sleep aids don't do that, and my neurologist said it was fine to keep taking it. When I try to sleep off a bad migraine without Benadryl, it sometimes works, but sometimes the migraine just wakes me up in the middle of the night when it gets worse, so when it's Bad, I always take Benadryl. I haven't had to do that as frequently lately! Which is nice. Thanks Botox. Benadryl is also supposed to help with nausea (one of the reasons it's in migraine cocktails) and I kind of feel like I might throw up for real when I stand up so that would be nice (my migraines make me nauseous on occasion but like. Actually thinking I might throw up is not very common. I haven't thrown up from a migraine in like 11 years, and that was because it made me motion sick and I wasn't able to get out of the moving vehicle).

I have a green light setup in my bedroom that's a lot more comfortable on my eyes, but when the migraine is really bad, it's still too much. So I turn on a podfic and my screen reader and put a blanket over my head and close my eyes. I took one Benadryl, I wasn't sure if I'd need two. I wait half an hour or so and listen to my fic and decide I'll need two so I take another. Eventually I get sleepy enough that I pause the podfic (one of the things I know how to do with a screenreader!) and fall asleep. Which is great. I love not being awake.

It's completely dark when I wake up, which is not good, because I should have slept until at least dawn, and I'm also in excruciating pain, which is bad. Welp. I've never been woken up by a migraine through the Benadryl before. I don't always sleep through the full night, the various insomnia juices I've been on could get pretty powerful, and I don't always wake up feeling better, but being woken up in the middle of the night by a migraine is a different thing than waking up in the middle of the night and happening to also have a migraine. You know?

At this point there's nothing to do but take a rescue medication, I'm not going to be able to fall back asleep with this kind of pain and it's not even 2am yet and also: this is probably the worst pain I've experienced in at least a month and I would like it to STOP. I'm just weird like that! I experience pain and would like to Not. I think about my life choices (taking my last sumatriptan injection a few days ago when it would have been really nice to take now, I really don't want to hang around for an hour waiting for the pills to kick in). I keep a bottle of diclofenac on my bedside table for midnight snack situations like this. You’re not supposed to take diclofenac on an empty stomach but I had half a bottle of yogurt drink 4 hours ago which totally counts because at my current pain level I'm not really capable of conscious thought, I'm pretty proud of myself for managing to read the label on the pill bottle to check that I'm taking the right thing. Also I'm not at much of a risk of GI bleeds anyways, like, there's always some level of that risk with NSAIDs, but mine is overall very low and I am not going to the kitchen for a granola bar, I feel sick and I am in so much pain that I will die if I move and I remember what happened last time I tried to eat a granola bar. So whatever! This really would be the perfect time to do an injection but I don't have one. My pills are in my tummy now. Yum.

I lie awake thinking for a while about how I'm in so much pain and wondering where it all went wrong. Probably when my nervous system first developed in the womb, though the nocturnal sleep schedule for a day probably didn't help. I think about how much pain I'm in. I think about how I really need to refill that sumatriptan injection prescription. I think about IV toradol. Or IV DHE. Or IV prednisone. Or idk. IV something. Anything that isn't going to have to go all the way through my digestive system before it kicks in. I very bravely unlock my phone to put the diclofenac into my migraine tracker, even though that's complicated enough that I have to turn off my screen reader and look at the screen with my real eyes.

Anyways. The diclofenac must have kicked in at some point, but I don't remember it. Midnight snack diclofenac is funny like that because I generally fall asleep when it kicks in so I never actually feel it do anything. I just lie there thinking about how much it hurts and how the drugs will never work and then when they start to work, I fall asleep, so I never feel them fully work. Sorry for ignoring your hard work, drugs.

I woke up again at a normal time with the usual headache and some extra residual eye hurty. I feel tired but not nauseous anymore, thank god. I took some nurtec, it helped, I'm thinking of following up with some Tylenol. Breakfast might help. I kind of want to fall asleep again, which also might help. Wow. Yesterday sucked. WOW. I did not deserve that. Holy shit. And I'm supposed to just get out of bed. And be normal. Someone should be bringing me bacon and chocolate chip pancakes right now!! I shouldn't have to make that myself if I want bacon and chocolate chip pancakes!! I already took my adhd meds but I feel like I can sleep anyways. Which I think I'll probably do even though breakfast should be higher on my priority list. Good night. Ow

Ok this is just going to be a rambling thing of self pity but after the night I've had I really deserve one of those so... I'm going to put it in a rb so it doesn't show up in the actual tags but I'm fucking complaining and you can't stop me

#lou is loud #migraine #I might just go out for brunch even though it will cost far too much money #I really don't want to cook and I deserve a treat!! several treats!!#if you read this far. thank you. you're a real one #if you didn't. that's understandable. it's a lot of text

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reidgraygubler · 4 years ago

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carolina (spencer reid/reader

Title: Carolina

Request: no, but it was written for @spencerreidbingo

Couple: spencer reid/fem!reader

Category: smut/angst, with a tiny bit of fluff

Content Warning: SEXUAL CONTENT (praise kink, mild-innocence kink, daddy kink, fingering, oral (male & female), penetrative sex, unprotected sex/cream pie, grinding/petting, hairpulling, breathplay, multiple orgasms, possessive kink, orgasm denial), partying, drinking, swearing, large age gap (between two consenting adults), professor/student, post prison!reid, quick mentions of drinks being drugged (but not actually happening) (if I missed anything, please let me know)

Word Count: 9,064

Summary: Spencer thinks his peer is innocent. But little does he not, she’s not as innocent as he thinks.

A/N: it’s based on carolina by harry styles, bc im a sucker for a good harry song. This was written for @spencerreidbingo (i’ll have a separate post with more about that). this takes up the breathplay square on my card (pictured below). This is also the first time im writing a blowjob scene, so im really sorry if it’s not good. i also didn’t have a beta for this, so im kinda blindly posting this. and, lastly, this is a lot longer than i intended. i didn’t mean for it to get this long… it’s just a bunch of words my brain wouldn’t stop saying until i wrote it... i seriously hope you all enjoy this. thank you all for the love and support! check out my masterlist!

~*~* THIS DOES CONTAIN 18+ CONTENT!! *~*~

{***}{***}{***}

I kept my eyes low as I stepped into the lecture hall 5 minutes before anyone else. The professor was writing something on the chalkboard, so his back was facing the room.

“Uh, hello,” I spoked, stepping closer to his desk. He jumped slightly and dropped his chalk at the sound of my voice. I would have expected him to know students would be showing up earlier, considering it was the start of a new semester. And, I honestly would have assumed he was told a new student was coming. That’s not my job.

“Oh, sorry,” he turned around to face me. I smiled softly, watching

as he bent down to pick up the chalk. I cocked my head to the side, watching his backside as he stood back up. He pushed his hair away from his face. “You must be the new transfer,” he asked, resting the chalk on his desk, beside a pile of pens.

“Yep. That’s me…” I smiled, looking up at his face, keeping myself from further checking him out. I quickly offered my hand and gave him my name. “I know I’m early. I figured I’d get the syllabus from you now instead of after class,” I nodded as I adjusted my grip on my bag. He stared at me for a moment, his eyes lingering on my face and then down my body, and that moment felt like an eternity. I shouldn’t be mad or frustrated with him. I basically did the same thing to him moments ago.

I cleared my throat to get his attention once again. “The, uh… The syllabus?” I asked as my smile faltered slightly. He looked at me before looking at the pile of papers on his desk before quickly moving.

“Right, right, sorry,” he muttered as he began shuffling through the piles of paper on his desk. “Um, here you are,” he looked back up at me as he handed me a small packet. I looked at it for a moment before looking back up at the teacher.

“Perfect, thank you,” I spoke, my words kind of lingering because he never actually gave me his name.

“Right, sorry, Spencer. Spencer Reid. I won’t be a drill sergeant about the whole Mr., Dr., Professor. You can call me whatever you want,” he smiled as he placed his hands on the back of his chair. I held back my laughter and the wildly inappropriate joke that I wanted to make.

“Well, Professor Reid,” I smiled as I looked down at my watch, “I better go find a seat before your class starts. I can’t wait to be in your class,” I looked up at him before turning to find a spot. When I sat down, Spencer looked at me with a smile, before going back to writing on the chalkboard.

I quickly and quietly pulled out my books and pens as the other people in the class filed in and took their seats. Spencer quickly finished writing on the board before turning around to greet the class. And, even as he spoke to the class, and looked around at each of the other students, his eyes always landed on me, lingering for a moment before going elsewhere.

{***}{***}{***}

Five months. Five months into being in Spencer Reid’s class, and I have been suffering. I’m not a new student anymore. But the only friendship I’ve made is with my fucking professor, and there’s a certain level of tension between us. That tension was probably thanks to him staring at me during lectures, and me teasing him while he taught. It wasn’t too bothersome, but I definitely wanted something to happen. Unfortunately for me, I don’t think anything will happen.

So, can someone please tell me why I invited Spencer over to help me study for a test? It’s a stupid question too, that I already figured out the answer to… I even finished studying for the day, and I’m going to a stupid party. Maybe I could get him to go with… And maybe, just maybe, something could happen.

I nearly jumped when there was a knock on the door. It’s not that I forgot he was coming over. It’s that I was so wrapped up in doing my makeup and forgot what time it was. My mascara almost smudged when I jumped back. Thank God it didn’t smudge too terribly.

I grabbed my shirt off the counter and threw it on (not bothering to zip it), before running to the front door. I smoothed out my skirt before pulling the door open. And, there stood Spencer.

“Hope I’m not too late,” he looked down at me and smiled. Although, his smile didn’t stay for too long when he saw what I was wearing. He wasn’t disappointed though, no. He was… He clearly liked what he saw, I’ll just put it that way.

“Oh! Thanks for coming over, but I actually figured it out. I should’ve called you,” I looked up at Spencer as he stepped into my apartment. I struggled to zip the back of my blouse as I walked towards my room. I looked back over my shoulder and noted that Spencer was, indeed, still following me. “Can you zip me up,” I stopped in my tracks before giving up on zipping my blouse. It was a black crop top that paired well with the pale pink tennis skirt.

“Where… Where exactly are you going tonight? It’s a, uh, it’s a school night,” he asked as he lifted his hands. The cool metal of the zipper pressed against my back, causing a shiver to go through my spine.

“Uh, there’s this party,” I answered, stepping away from him and towards the bathroom, “Thought I’d go,” I looked at him in the mirror. Spencer looked around the bathroom, at the messy mess I had made on my counter. Different pallets of makeup and tools were strewn about, a varying amount of hair care products tossed here and there. It honestly looked like a bathroom of a pageant queen, and not a 20-something-year-old. In my defense, I had to dress to impress someone here in this stupid university.

“Is that, uh… Is that smart?” Spencer asked, leaning against the door jamb. I looked up at him as I put on some luxurious red lipstick. I smiled as I looked at him.

“I think it is,” I laughed as I picked up something else and turned to look at him, “You wanna come? I wasn’t invited,” I smiled wickedly as I looked at him. His face paled two shades as he looked at me. “Oh, c’mon, Professor, no one will know us there, and I can assure you, no one will even see us,” I looked up at him as I readjusted his tie. He looked down at me before swallowing roughly.

“I don-”

“I do need a designated driver,” I spoke before cutting him off. I walked past him and towards my room. Part of me wondered what he was thinking as I so rudely rushed past him, or cut him off, or whatever I was doing. I wished I could hear his thoughts. I wondered if they consisted of “The mouth on that girl,” or, “I should punish her for the way she’s acting,” or, my personal favorite, “I should put that mouth to good use,”

“How old are you again?” Spencer asked once I sat down on my bed. I looked up at him as I slipped my shoes on.

“22,” I smiled and stood up, “Why, is that important?” I smiled as I grabbed my coat and purse.

“Couldn’t remember,” he lied. We both knew he was lying. He even knew that too. Freaking walking computer is what he is. There's no way he conveniently forgot how old I was. “Are you going to be out late?”

“Why? It’s not like you’re my dad or anything?” I laughed, leading him back to the front door of the house. “I don’t plan on being out too late. I know there’s class tomorrow,” I shrugged as I walked towards his car.

We both stayed silent as he drove with the directions I was quietly giving him. I was pleasantly happy that we were both quiet, but what I hated was the sudden awkward sexual tension that was between us. If he didn’t have this… domineering personality over me there probably wouldn’t be this tension between us.

“Are you going to come with me?” I looked up at him as I unbuckled. He glanced over at me with slight disappointment in his eye. I felt a little bad, but I really wanted to go to this party, I wasn’t going to let my professor’s disappointment stop me. “Please,” I whispered. He sighed before unbuckling himself. I had to force myself to not verbally giggle with excitement before slipping out of the car. Spencer looked down at me as I twisted my hips to swish my skirt. I smiled as I entertained myself. I'm sure if I wasn't watching my skirt, I would have been staring at him, giving myself away.

“Steps,” Spencer muttered as we got closer to the porch. I looked up at him before looking towards the small staircase. I looked up at Spencer with a smile. He glanced back down at me, a worried crease in his brow. I looked down at my skirt and smoothed it out. I looked at the door as we stood close to it, I contemplated knocking.

“So, you weren’t invited to this party?” Spencer asked, looking down at me. His voice stopped me from knocking. Instead, I looked up at him and smiled back up at him. He raised an eyebrow as he waited for an answer from me. My smile grew playful as I looked back at the door, raising my fist to knock on it. “No answer?” he asked, still waiting for my answer.

“Oh, please, Professor Reid, I can get into the hottest parties in LA without an invitation,” I smiled at him. That was a little bit of an over-exaggeration. Most college parties I could get into. But not LA parties. Someday though…

The door swung open, and we were instantly met with loud music blaring through a speaker somewhere in the house. People’s voices and chatter carried all throughout the house, coming through the various rooms and clusters around. “Are you coming in to babysit me? Or, are you going to go back to your car to read the science of the mathematical phenomenon,” I looked up at him, offering my hand to him. I wasn’t exactly sure if that was a real book or not, but I wouldn’t put it past Spencer to read.

“I’m not babysitting you,” he corrected as he looked down at me with a disappointed look in his eye. I smiled and rolled my eyes.

“Are you going to come in and watch me drink and party and have fun, Professor… Or, are you going to go back to your car and read your silly little book,” I looked down at my hand, silently telling him to take my hand and come in with me.

“I, uh, I don’t think it’s exactly in the rules for a professor to party, let alone drink, with their students,” Spencer spoke before looking down at my hand. I dropped my shoulders and looked up at him.

“Fine then… Suit yourself,” I turned around and basically skipped into the house, leaving the door open for him. I made my way towards the loud kitchen and grabbed for a cup and bottle of whatever booze was nearby. I blindly grabbed for a bottle of Grey Goose and dumped it into the cup, no mixer, no chaser.

“First off,” Spencer’s voice came from beside me. I looked up at him and took a long sip of vodka. “You shouldn’t be taking drinks from people at a party,” he spoke, taking the cup from me. I looked up at him, then the bottle and a new cup. I was only a little annoyed that he took my drink.

“I… I’m young. I’m not dumb,” I grabbed a new cup and poured more vodka. I looked up at him and offered him a sip. “I know not to drink something given to me by someone I don’t know.” I scoffed before taking another long sip. I cringed a bit at how strong it was.

“Even then someone could slip something into a drink! Even if you did know them!” Spencer exclaimed, causing the surrounding people to turn and look at us. I dropped my shoulders as I looked up at him.

“If you look around, Spencer, you’re the only person that I know. So unless you’re the one slipping something into my drink… And, as an FBI agent… I don’t think you would,” I cocked my head to my shoulder. Spencer looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “You have more to say,” I added before taking a sip of my drink.

"And, secondly, you're not as innocent as I had originally thought you were," he watched as I brought the cup of straight vodka to my lips. He looked rather unamused with my talent for drinking straight vodka.

"You thought I was innocent?" I asked, nearly sputtering the liquid with my laughter. "Please! I've never been innocent in my entire life!" I shouted over the music. He raised an eyebrow at my statement, and suddenly I had the greatest idea in the world. "But maybe, just for you, I'll be a good girl," I smiled before drinking the rest of my drink in one go. Spencer looked down at me, his lips pressed into a fine as he stared down at me. Ohh, that definitely awoken something in him. I bit back my smile with my offer. Innocent… He thinks I’m innocent. Ha! I honestly don’t remember the last time I was innocent. And, honestly, just for him… I’d be an innocent, good, little girl for Spencer Reid any day, every day even. “I can be your good, innocent little girl,” I smiled at him and cocked my head.

"I don't… I don't think that'd be… appropriate," he spoke, his words very quiet. We both knew that even though it was inappropriate, we both wanted it. We both knew what we wanted to.

I glanced at him before pouring more drink for myself. "You should learn to pace yourself," he stated and changed the subject. He nervously looked at the bottle of vodka and then around the room at all the other people drinking. Or, he was just looking for a drink that wasn’t booze. Did he actually want to keep me safe, or was I just overreading him?

"It's a college party, Professor! I'm not going to pace myself!" I shouted just to get his attention back to me. His head shot back down to me. The level of concern on his face only made me feel a little bad, mostly because he was concerned for me. But, he should know… This is a college party. “Do you want some?” I asked, offering my drink to him again. I held it up to him, close to his lips. His face twisted up as soon as the scent of pure vodka hit his nose.

“No, no thanks,” he held up at hand to block the cup from his face. I pouted before bringing it to my lips. “Do you usually come to parties,” he asked, his eyes darting around the room. Part of me wondered if he wanted to continue that question with “Like this?” But, I was too busy keeping my eyes on his face, rather than looking around the room like he was. Although, I’m sure he was used to keeping an eye on his surroundings. I’ve never been too worried about it, I probably should… But hey, you only live once. Going to college parties with your 38-year-old professor, and drinking straight vodka, and not really caring about your surroundings proves my point of YOLO.

“If I don’t have class or anything to study for… Yep,” I looked up at him with a sneaky smile. The joke with that was his particular class had a test coming up soon, and I should be studying for it. He knew that too because he just announced the test this morning. Although, he did come to my home, to help me with said test. “But, I wouldn't show up to his class hungover. It’d disappoint him too much. And, he’d care too much about me to even focus on the rest of the class,” I spoke, answering the questions he was thinking. It’s not like I’ve shown up to classes hungover before. Granted, I’ve never shown up to his class drunk or hungover. Mostly because I didn’t want to disappoint him, and only him. Anyone and everyone else can go blow themselves.

“How do you know that?” Spencer asked, looking back at me with furrowed eyebrows. I smiled and stepped closer to him.

“How do I know what?” I cocked my head to my shoulder. I already knew what he meant by his question, but… I think teasing him and messing with him is fun. And, he knew that too.

“How do you know that you’d disappoint him?” he looked down at me, pressing his chin to his chest to get a better look at me. His hands were away from me, even though I really wanted his hands anywhere on me. I looked over at my hand and the cup I held before bringing it to my lips. I took a long sip, trying to finish the contents in one go. I tossed the cup over my shoulder and looked up at him with a lazy smile.

“Because being hungover, with the slight possibility of still being drunk, would totally disappoint him… And I would hate to disappoint him.” I whispered and shook my head. Spencer looked down at me with something in his eyes, and I loved the way he looked at me. “I told you, Professor, I’d be a good girl for you,” I cocked my head to my shoulder and smiled, “And only for you,”

“You’re drunk,” he pointed out an obvious fake statement. So, I cackled and shook my head.

“I had one drink,” I scoffed and waved off my in the air, “Most definitely not enough to get me drunk,” I flattened his tie out before gripping it tightly, “Like I said, I wouldn’t want to disappoint you,” I smiled before dropping my hand from his tie, “So, why would I show up to your class… Hungover…? I know you’d care… And I know it’d disappoint you. That’s the last thing I want to do to you,”

Spencer’s adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed roughly. He quickly looked between me and the room, then back at me, then around the room. I faked a yawn before looking away from him.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, okay, Professor?” I smoothed out his jacket before turning and leaving him alone in the kitchen. I smiled as I skipped away from him, my skirt swishing with my movement. I secretly hoped he’d follow me. But, a quick glance over my shoulder told me he was still in the kitchen.

However, when I finished my business and left the bathroom, Spencer was leaning against the wall right beside the door. I looked up at him and smiled.

“Follow me,” he muttered, grasping my wrist and pulling me down the various halls and past multiple groups of people. I giggled the harder his grasp grew on me and the faster he moved. I’m happy people were too busy with themselves to notice a 30-something-year-old man was dragging a 20-something-year-old girl down the hall, to which I can assume was one of the only open bedrooms. Fuck… I hope it's a bedroom.

He was a man on a mission. Not letting anyone get in his way. The smile that grew on my lips was pure excitement. I couldn’t help it. I’m sure we’re both getting what we wanted… I hope.

I let out an excited yelp when he shoved me into, exactly what I thought, an empty bedroom. I’m surprised he knew that there’d be an empty room. Most of them are occupied, with couples (or more) doing exactly what I hope we’re about to do. Which was fuck each other.

Spencer slammed the door shut, and quickly locked it before pushing me against it. I looked up at him and giggled like a fucking kid in a candy store. Again, I couldn’t help it.

Spencer was quiet, which led me to be quiet. The air in between us quickly grew hot and tense and thick. I really wanted this to move faster, but I wanted him to be the one in charge. I was willing to let this be slow and let him be in charge. So, when he grabbed both my wrists and held them above my head, I smiled so hard my cheeks began to hurt.

“Tell me what you want,” Spencer’s voice was low and deep as he moved close to me. There was little to no space between us. Which left little to the imagination, for me anyway.

I looked up at him, with the biggest doe eyes I could muster, silently telling him that I wanted the most, in the entire world, was to be on my knees, with his hand tangled in my hair, and his cock down my throat, or to be fucked so hard that I won’t be able to sit properly for several days. But, I couldn’t be that blunt. You gotta play up to that moment before you get it. I��m sure in the end though, I’ll get both things.

I swallowed roughly, trying to think of what to say, because, like I said, I can’t just be blunt yet. So, when I opened my mouth and words just came out, I was pleasantly surprised with what was said. “You’re old enough to be my father, Professor,” I smiled at him as he pinned me against the door. He pressed his hips against mine to keep me against the surface. I could feel a large bulge against my inner thigh, causing me to shiver. “Does that mean I get to call you daddy,” I whispered as I looked up at him through my eyelashes. He is the one who said I could call him whatever I wanted… And he did just ask me what I wanted, and I guess I wanted to call him ‘Daddy’. There was no guessing about him.

Okay, he wasn't exactly old enough to be my father. But he was a lot older than me. Most 20-something-year-olds aren't sleeping with men 15 years older than them… and most 20-something-year-olds aren't sleeping with their professor… I just wanted an excuse to call him 'Daddy'. And he knew that too. So, if we gave each other an excuse for that to happen, then that was all I needed.

I dropped my head to my shoulder to allow him to attack the space on my neck. He dragged his nose across my jawbone before stilling. His lips were just over my neck. As his breathing got heavier, it tickled across my skin.

“That does have a nice ring to it,” Spencer hummed as he dropped my hands and stepped away from me. I swallowed roughly as I stared at him. I missed having his body pressed against mine, and he knew that.

I looked at him as I brought my hands to his belt. "I thought you said this wasn't appropriate, Daddy," I whispered as I quickly undid the belt buckle, without looking. I almost couldn’t move fast enough to unbutton and zip his pants. If he wanted me to stop, he would have stopped me by now. “Can I?” I looked up at him, a plea in my eyes.

"You've changed my mind," he muttered, watching me with such close intent, “God, please keep going,” he spoke like if I did stop now he’d probably die. I looked up at him as I slipped my hand into the waistband of his boxers. He hissed as my fingers brushed against his cock. A small smile grew on my lips.

“Didn’t take much convincing,” I smiled as my fingers wrapped around him. A small groan fell from his lips as I looked up at him. When I pulled my hand away from him not even a moment later, he looked down at me with an alarmed expression on his face. I quickly spat on my palm before sticking my hand down his pants. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted this?” I whispered as I slowly stroked up and down his length. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

“I’ve wanted this since you stepped foot in my classroom,” his voice was low and gravely as he spoke. My breathing picked up a little bit as I looked up at him.

Okay… Maybe he did know how long I’ve wanted this. Because I also wanted this the second I stepped into his lecture hall. I wanted his cock in my hands and his hand around my throat. It only took-what, five months for this? I’ll make it worth the wait.

“Does that feel good,” I whispered, carefully picking up speed and adding the slightest bit of pressure in my grip. Spencer’s eyes fluttered shut as he swallowed roughly and nodded. I smiled before pulling my hand away from him, again. I slowly lowered to my knees and kept my eyes on his face.

Spencer looked down at him as he gently pushed his fingers through my hair. His fingers gripping hard on my roots before pulling hard. I smiled before very slowly pulling down his slacks and boxers in one go. I was only a little bit intimidated by his size, but the excitement I felt went straight to my core.

I took a deep breath and swallowed roughly before looking up at him. My mouth fell open, and my tongue stuck out, silently telling him that it was okay. Although I don’t really know why I was telling him that it was okay, we both knew what we wanted, and it was only going to take me doing one thing.

I made eye contact with him as I ran my tongue on the side of his cock. Our eye contact didn’t last long, mostly because he let out a moan and dropped his head back. I smiled as I licked across his tip. A sweet and salty taste was on my tongue.

My jaw fell slack as I carefully took his length into my mouth. I closed my lips around him before slowly bobbing my head, with my tongue swirling around the underside of his cock. I wrapped a hand around what wouldn’t fit into my mouth. And wrapped my free arm around his leg for support.

The sounds of his moans and grunts filled the mostly quiet room. Music, although muffled through the walls and door, could still be heard from outside of our own world behind the door and four walls.

“You were right,” he struggled to speak through groans, “You aren’t as innocent as I thought,” Spencer's hand had a rough hold in my hair as he held me against him. His cock was penetrating my throat, and breathing was beginning to get difficult. My eyes grew wet and tears grew in the corners of my eyes.

“You’re such a good girl,” he looked down at me as the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I wouldn’t be surprised if my makeup started smudging and I looked like an adolescent raccoon. “You look so pretty with my cock down your throat,” he struggled to let out a coo, before moving his hips closer to my face.

Everything about this moment, his hand in my hair, the sounds he was making, the way he smelled, being here… Was intoxicating. I’d give anything to be in this moment again. And I’d give anything to get this moment sooner.

My knees would hate me in the morning, I just know it. I could already sense the dreaded carpet burn before he even started. But, in all honesty, it’d be worth it. Walking into class tomorrow morning, with bruises and day-old wounds on my knees, just to see his expression.

As I began to pick up pace, the sounds Spencer was making started to become more urgent, easily telling me he was close. But, before he could finish, I pulled away from him, crashing into the wall to get away from his grasp. He looked down at me with a mild frustration on his face. I smiled before wiping my chin clean of spit.

“I guess chivalry is dead. Whatever happened to ladies first?” I asked, my voice a rasp from how raw my throat was. I looked up at him, feeling a certain level of sass grow in my smile. Spencer quickly tucked himself back into his pants before grabbing my hand.

“Come on, on your feet,” he muttered as he pulled me back up to a standing position. I nearly toppled over into him if he didn’t hold me upright. I looked up at him and smiled.

“Bed… Now?” I whispered, my tone showing how urgent I was. It’s not that I wanted this over with, it's that I wanted everything to happen to me all at once, and I wanted it to last for a long time.

Spencer nodded before cupping my face in his hands. He was harsh when he pressed his lips to mine, like his life depended on it, if he did kiss me now the world would end. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he started guiding me towards the bed. And when the edge of the bed hit the back of my legs, he pushed me back onto it. I quickly moved so my head was resting on the pillows. Spencer was quick to take his cardigan off and be over me.

“You’re not going to fail me, are you,” I joked as he quickly started leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses on my neck. He lifted his head and looked down at me with confusion on his face. “If I’m a bad fuck,”

“If you ask that again, or bring up class while we’re doing this… Then yes,” he muttered as he looked at me. I laughed as I pushed my fingers through his hair.

“Oh, shut up,” I laughed as I pulled him down to kiss him, again. One of his hands landed on top of my breast, carefully kneading it, causing me to moan into his mouth.

His hand slowly drifted away from my chest. I pressed my head into the pillow and looked up at him with a smirk. He carefully dragged his fingers up from my chest to the base of my neck, causing me to let out a shaky gasp. I wanted fingers and a hand around my neck, carefully cutting off my airway just right. Suddenly, I never wanted something so badly in my life. Something dark flashed in his eyes as he looked down at me like he knew what I was about to say.

“Do it… I fucking dare you,” I muttered, placing both my hands around his wrist. My nose twitched as I stared at him. “I said fucking do it,” I spat, pushing his hand down more onto my neck. My words slowly got cut off as the pressure in his hand and fingers tightened around my neck. A moan struggled to escape me, but did eventually fall from my lips. He seemed pretty happy with that.

“Is that good,” his voice was a growl. I looked at him and moaned.

“Harder,” I begged, my voice growing raspier the more I spoke. He smirked before allowing his grip to tighten. His other hand was still sitting on top of my hips, and I could tell where he wanted to put it. I’d be a dirty, rotten liar if I didn’t want his hand up my skirt. In fact, I’d love it if he did more than just his hand.

Spencer swallowed roughly before finally sneaking a hand up my skirt and resting it on my underwear. My grip around his wrist got tighter as he pushed past my underwear and past my folds. My eyes fluttered closed as another moan was strangled in my throat.

“You’re so wet,” he purred as he slowly moved a finger around my clit. I looked up at him, as I struggled to swallow roughly. A dark smirk grew on his lips as he watched me struggle for a moment. “Does that feel good,” he asked, mildly mocking me from earlier. His movements picked up speed just a little bit, and my body reacted, well tried to react.

“Oh, you’re such a good girl,” he looked down at me. His pupils were so blown I could nearly see my reflection in them. “Another thing you were right about,” he whispered as he slipped a finger into my entrance, and curled it just right. My vision slowly blurred before my eyes rolled into the back of my head. Another moan struggled to escape my throat as Spencer added a second finger.

My body was on autopilot as I lifted my hand and hit his wrist a few times, telling him that I desperately needed to breathe. When I reopened my eyes, I looked up at him a moment before he removed his hand from my neck. Worry and concern flashed in his eyes as I breathed. Air burned like fire in my lungs as I took a deep breath. As I exhaled a loud moan followed behind, easily telling Spencer and I that I had reached my first orgasm of the night. I just hope there will be more...

“You did such a good job, Princess,” Spencer whispered as he looked down at me. With his free hand, he brushed the tears away from my cheeks. He carefully withdrew his hand from between my legs and held them up to his face. He looked at them for a moment before placing them in his mouth, sucking and licking them clean. I took a shaky breath and nodded.

He very sloppily pressed his lips to mine, then on the corner of my lips, and down my jaw, and neck. With one quick movement, a loud rip filled the room, as he tore my shirt off my body. I looked up at him with shock in my eyes. To be fair, that shirt was flimsy, to begin with. I was more worried about leaving my chest so exposed as we left the party.

“Oh, I’ll give you my sweater,” Spencer muttered before attacking my neck and then down to my collarbones, and over my breasts. I gasped as he wrapped his lips around a nipple.

“Mmm, Daddy,” I whimpered as I shifted under him. I brought my hands back up to his hair, tangling my fingers in the hairs on his neck. When he sensed that I was growing restless (even though he just started), he quickly left wet kisses down the rest of my body

“I like the way that sounds coming from your mouth,” he whispered once he was in between my legs. I looked down at him just as he looked up at me. “Good on your end for wearing such a short skirt,” he smiled before pressing his lips to my inner thigh. A shaky breath tumbled from my lips as I looked at him. “Makes for easier access,” he added before going higher up on my leg.

“You’re not going fast enough,” I whined as he just kept kissing, or licking, or rubbing my inner thighs. It was honestly getting annoying. I kind of felt bad for him. Considering I’ve already cum once, and I got him close but didn’t let him finish.

“I’m not going fast enough?” Spencer looked up at me. I shot him a scowl as I shifted slightly on the bed. Spencer looked back down the apex of my legs before looping two fingers around the band of my underwear. As soon as I lifted my hips, he pulled my underwear off my body and chucked them to the ground beside the bed. “How’s this for fast enough,” he muttered, mostly to himself, before licking between my folds. A breath of air got caught in my lungs as my hands found their way to his hair, my fingers getting knotted up in his roots.

“Mhm, Spencer,” I gasped, rolling my hips up at him. He hummed, sending vibrations straight to my core. My legs wrapped around him, my heels digging into his back as my own back arched.

“Ohh, Daddy, please don’t stop,” I cried, pressing my head into the pillow beneath my head. My fingers pulled hard on his hair, pulling him closer to me. He hummed again as he pushed two fingers back into my entrance. My grip in his hair tightened, and I could feel my grip wanting to loosen.

My breathing picked up as a familiar feeling grew in my stomach. And all I could say was his name, and the suddenly loved nickname I had for him. He seemed to appreciate my reaction too, because he worked faster. Messy and wet sounds, mixed with my breathy moans and calls of his name filled the room, and my end was near.

“Fuck,” I shouted as I finally came undone. I could sense if I didn’t pull him away, he’d keep going, and going till I couldn’t take it anymore. And, honestly, that sounds great, but I think that’s for next time. I wanted him in me now. “Spencer, Spencer,” I cried as I tried to pull his head away, but failed so hard.

“Nuh huh,” he hummed, looking up at me. I took a deep breath and pressed my head into the pillow beneath me and threw an arm over my face. “Please, Spencer,” I cried as I bucked my hips at him, “Fuck me, please, fuck me, Daddy,” I moaned. He was going faster than before and was clearly trying to work me to the end faster too. It was hard to breathe, and speak because my words would just get stuck in my throat.

Although, when I did cum, again, for the third time tonight, Spencer did move away from my legs. He knelt between them, wiping his chin with the back of his hand. My body was shaking lightly as I tried to come down from my high.

“Please,” I whispered, lifting a hand up, trying to reach for his tie. He looked down at me with a smile and raised an eyebrow.

“Please what?”

“Please, Daddy,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I spoke. I could feel my voice becoming a little whiney. Spencer moved so he was hovering over me, his fingers gently brushing hair away from my face.

“Tell me what you want, Princess,” he whispered cupping my face in his hand. I looked up at his face, admiring his lips, and eyes, and nose, and the way his lips had a sheen from when he licked them clean and whatever was leftover from when he was eating me out.

“Please fuck me, Daddy,” I begged, begged. Spencer smiled before pressing his lips to mine for a moment. He sat up away from me to remove his sweater and shirt. My head was spinning from excitement, I didn’t even notice that he was totally undressed.

Spencer was back between my legs, looking down at me like I truly belonged right here. Or, like I was his to fuck with. Either way it was a good feeling.

“Ready?” He asked, his voice so low that I could hardly hear it over the bass of the loud music. I rapidly nodded my head, worried my answer was the wrong one. But it wasn’t. I desperately wanted this. Needed. I needed this.

Spencer hovered over me before putting an opened mouth kiss on my lips. I could hardly breathe as he rubbed the tip of his cock against my clit and entrance. I could feel a moan getting caught in the middle of my throat, my body not being about to handle anymore teasing. Until, he very slowly pushed into me.

“Oh, good girl,” he repeated. Those two words, constantly coming off his tongue. Making me feel good. The praise that I hadn’t heard in such a long time, that I longed for. Part of me wondered if he knew I wanted it. “Has someone not been taking care of you?” he asked, looking down at me. I stared at him, not trusting my own voice. My mind was too distracted with the way I felt, light and airy but at the same time full. So I shook my head.

“No, Daddy,” I whimpered and kept shaking my head. Spencer smiled before pressing his lips to mine.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you now. I’ll take care of you,” he mumbled before moving his hips. It took him a moment to get a perfect rhythm. He lips attached to different spots on my neck, leaving hickies in his wake.

“Spencer,” I whispered as I moved my head closer to my shoulder to let him have more space.

“You feel so good,” he grunted as he moved his hips so he was deeper in me, “You feel so good, and you’re all mine,” he pressed his forehead to mine as he wrapped his arms around my lower back, pulling me closer up to him. My breathing got deep, my chest heaving with each breath I took. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down, closer to my face.

“Oh, be quiet,” I whispered before putting my lips on his. He smiled before passing his tongue between my lips. A moan fell from my lips, which he seemed to enjoy… Considering it was probably just music to his ears.

“I’ll only be quiet if you keep making those little noises,” he muttered against my lips. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He smiled again as I knotted my fingers in the hair on the back of his head.

“Faster,” I breathed out, keeping my eyes on him. Spencer laughed lightly as he picked up the speed. My hips bucked with his, meeting at the right points. “Please,” I whimpered as I threw my head back more into the pillow. He pulled his arm away from my back and brought his hand between our legs, where we met.

“It’s okay, Little Girl,” Spencer whispered before pressing his lips to the side of my face. I let out a shaky breah and arched my body into his. I couldn’t believe how good I felt. I almost wasn’t sure if it was fair that my professor was better in bed than other men my age. He was more experienced, to be fair. “You can finish, it’s okay,” he kept his voice low. It almost sounded like he was giving me permission.

I nodded my head, breathing heavily through my nose. “Mmm, Spencer,” I moaned, loudy, as my walls fluttered around him and my release came. And a few moments later, Spencer thrusted deep into me with a grunt, filling me with his essence. His body collapsed on top of me whence he finished.

“Fuck,” I muttered, my fingers still tangled in his hair. My limbs were sore and shaking slightly from the rough movements. Spencer laughed lightly, agreeing with my statement. “We can’t sleep here,” I whispered, keeping my eyes on the ceiling above us. I wished we could just sleep here, mostly because I was exhausted after everything we did.

“I know,” Spencer replied as he slowly moved off and away from me. I looked up at him with wide eyes. “You’re messy now,” he muttered as he basically tumbled off the bed. I quickly sat up, just to make sure he was okay. Although I was happy he was okay, I quickly regretted moving as fast as I did.

“Your sweater,” I mumbled, reaching out towards where his sweater was lying. He looked down at it before picking it up to hand to me. He also grabbed a fistful of tissues and moved to between my legs, again. “Just give me your boxers,” I looked at him as he wiped the insides of my thighs clean. He looked back up at me, still cleaning my legs.

“I’ll give you a ride home,” he spoke as he tossed the dirty tissues to the trash. He grabbed his slacks and boxers, tossing me his boxers. I slipped them on under my skirt, and then slipped his sweater on.

“I’d hope so,” I whispered as I stood up. My body wobbled for a second, nearly falling over, before I caught my balance. Spencer looked back at me, looking at how fucked I looked. I mean, I probably looked about the same as him.

“I’d given you a ride home either way,” he said as he redressed. I looked at him with confusion on my face. Either way? So even if we hadn’t had sex, he would have given me a ride. I asked him and he said yes. So I would hope he’d given me a ride, even if we didn’t fuck.

Once we were both ready to leave this stupid party, that I didn’t even enjoy (well, I did, I was just in a different world), or was even invited to, we walked out. It was as easy as pie. And, since no one really knew either of us were here, I won’t be known as the girl who fucked the professor.

The drive home was quiet. Like, even quieter than the drive here. He didn’t even have the music playing. I wondered if it was my fault, if he was regretting what we had done. If I had known he’d be so regretful, I wouldn’t have wanted to fuck him. But, I guess its too late now.

When I looked out the window, I realized we were parked outside my apartment building. I looked down at my attire and looked back at Spencer.

“Thanks… Thanks for the ride… And thanks for the sweater. I’ll be sure to give it back to you… Eventually,” I looked up at Spencer as I pulled the door open to leave.

“See you Thursday,” he nodded at me. I looked at him before slamming the door shut. I scoffed before turning to walk up to my home. I couldn’t want to sleep.

{***}{***}{***}

Two weeks. Two weeks since Spencer and I fucked. Okay, not too bad. I don’t regret it, and I’m not afraid to say that. However, I think he might be regretting it. Considering he’d been nothing but ignoring me since the night of the par-Well, I wouldn’t say ignoring me since then. He did fuck me in his office the following Thursday. But, it’s still been two weeks since he last said anything to me. Fuck, I’ve never been so mad.

“Good morning, Professor Reid,” I looked at him as I skipped into his lecture hall. I heard his words begin to greet me back, but fail when he saw what I was wearing. “Best get to my seat. Excited for today’s lesson,” I readjusted the cardigan that hung off my shoulders before turning to go to my seat.

I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my skull as I walked away from him. Or, was he staring at my ass. Most likely my ass. It was my ass he was staring at. I was wearing a fairly short skirt, so that’s on me. But, I’d do anything to get his attention today. And it would appear I have gotten it.

His lesson wasn’t actually anything important. It was just revision for the test coming up soon. But, it was obvious he had other things on his mind, and I was very clearly one of them. It was honestly a little distracting if I’m going to be honest.

So, I was happy when he called the end of class 5 minutes early. Although that excitement was gone the second he called my name to the front to talk. I looked at the ground as I stood by his desk, waiting for the very last person to leave so Spencer and I could have our moment alone.

“What are you doing wearing that?” Spencer asked as soon as it was just us. I tried to ignore the fact that he was trying to take the sweater off me, and made my shoulders drop.

“What? This old thing?” I asked, pulling the cardigan that he let me wear around my body. I looked back at him and smiled. He was not smiling. “You gave it to me,” I scoffed, letting him take it off me without a fight. I watched as he folded it over the back of the chair before turning to face me.

“I gave it to you so your,” his words began to get jumbled up as he gestured to my boobs, “So you weren’t exposed in front of any-”

“So no one would see what belonged to you?” I asked, folding my arms over my chest. Spencer looked down at me, a flabbergasted look on his face. I smiled and cocked my head to my shoulder.

“I… I never said that,” Spencer shook his head.

“Yeah, but you thought it,” I scoffed and rolled my eyes. Spencer looked down at me. I could tell that he was trying to be the one in charge, kinda like how he was the other night. But it was so, so clear that he couldn’t be in charge. That he wouldn’t be in charge now. That this was just embarrassing to him. Maybe that’s just how our dynamic would work. Out in public, I was the loud one, the one who made everyone think that I was in charge in the bedroom. And, Spencer, in public, was the quiet, shy, nervous one, who was clearly submissive in bed. But in actuality, he was telling me what to do, when and when I can’t cum.

“Why were you wearing that?” he asked again, his voice pulling me from my very dirty thoughts. I looked up at him and smiled.

“Because you were ignoring me! I needed to get your attention somehow! And then I remembered I still had that,” I smiled at him. I wished I still had his sweater on, because it was actually quite cozy and warm. The look he gave me made me drop my shoulders, suddenly feeling ashamed about the current situation. So, I stared at him, feeling annoyed. More annoyed than I have over the last two weeks. “Do you regret it?” I finally asked, not really knowing if he’d be mad with my question.

“Pardon me?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked at me. I shook my head and looked down at the ground. “It’s not that I regret it-”

“So you do,” I looked back up at him and dropped my shoulders again. Before Spencer got the chance to say anything, I cut him off, “Oh please, you loved shoving your tongue, and cock, down my throat,” I scoffed before looking at him. The expression on his face flinched slightly as he looked back at me from behind the desk. “I get to… I get to be your good, little girl, your princess for, what, a week? A day? 12 hours? Whenever the fuck you want... And I’m supposed to go back to normal life the next day? And… And pretend that nothing happened!” I stared at him and shook my head. Spencer looked over at the door and back at me. “Thinking it’ll never happen again!” I shouted. I didn’t mean to shout, honest. But I was starting to get angry. He made me feel something like I belonged to someone. And now I don’t feel like that.

“Will you stop talking for a second,” he muttered before stepping away from me and his desk. He walked over to the door and shut it. I crossed my arms over my chest and watched as he walked back over to me. “I never said you had to pretend as if nothing happened. And I never said that I regret it,” he spoke in a harsh whisper. I looked at him with mild irritation on my face.

“It sure fucking felt like it,” I spat at him.

“You’re all I think about… Christ, I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you that. I never said you had to forget everything… Because I’ve been having a hard time forgetting it myself.” He looked up at me. I almost refused to look at him, but his voice was so soft that I had to look at him. “I never expected you to forget,” he added.

“Then why are you acting like it didn’t happen,” I stared at him before swallowing roughly, “You made me feel like I was wanted, that I belonged somewhere, with someone,” I spoke as I stepped closer to him. It was only a little bit closer to him, not as much as I wanted. But he stepped closer to me, making it so we were the closest we had been all day, in one large step. "You remind me of home," I added in a whisper. Spencer smiled and cocked his head to his shoulder.

“You do belong somewhere,” he whispered, resting his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him, feeling my heart pick up speed, and butterflies appear in my tummy. “And that somewhere is with me,” he brought at hand to my cheek, allowing his thumb to rest on my lower lip. I looked up at him before he pressed his lips to mine.

I was honestly expecting him to say something else. I don’t know what. But I liked what he said, it made me feel really good. Like, I belonged with him, and nothing could change that.

taglist: @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto, @thebluetint

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thewrongmoon · 2 years ago

Text

mike wheeler NEW spotify playlist predictions

i already posted this about my predictions of new spotify playlists dropping tomorrow, and because i love to be proven right and need validation that i am correct, here is my predictions for a new mike playlist:

side note - if i do all of this and there is A. no new spotify playlists at all or B. everyone gets a new playlist BESIDES mike and will...... i will be mildly upset. anyways.

side side note: a lot of these are based on the music chart i made, so it's primarily 70s/80s music, but i know that the actual canon playlists dont care about time period accuracy... so. oh and also 90% these are from the playlists i've been working so long on so. sneak preview if you're interested in that ig

THE SONGS:

Paint It, Black - The Rolling Stones (1966)

so i know mike liking "darker" music is a highly debated topic. But the fact is that they made an effort to make mike look edgier, and ultimately i see them showcasing that in his new playlist. this one is a classic, the whole thing is a metaphor for depression, and i think it fits mike's s4 character arc perfectly.

Suburbia - Pet Shop Boys (1986)

A song about how boring/dull suburban life is. the key here is the last verse of the song: "Suburbia / where the suburbs met utopia / What kind of dream was this / so easy to destroy? And who are we to blame for the sins of the past? / These slums of the future? / suburbia" Up for interpretation, but i think what it's saying that suburban life is the "ideal" life, playing into the nuclear family theme, and how quickly it can crumble apart. obviously fits the wheeler family; perfect "utopian" image, but a closer look shows how distant the family is.

Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order (1986)

when i tell you this song has been on my mike wheeler playlist foreeeever. it's so so fitting. I can't even explain how fitting this song is so i'm just going to give you some lyrics:

"Livin' a life that I can't leave behind /There's no sense in telling me / The wisdom of the fool won't set you free /But that's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows /Well, every day my confusion grows"

"I feel fine and I feel good /I'm feeling like I never should /Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say /Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday?"

I Want To Break Free - Queen (1984)

this one of many deceptively-coded songs i'm including on this list. at first glance it could be a mlvn song, but a closer examination makes you realize how byler coded it is. could be a double metaphor- wanting to break free from heteronormativity, but also maybe wanting to break free from vecna's curse.

Shake the Disease - Depeche Mode (1985)

(i'm the #1 believer in depeche mode fan mike btw, so if none of the new songs on his playlist are by them, i will be SO fucking disappointed.)

like i've said previously, deceptive song. the lyrics themselves have two possibly meanings: a man promising his girlfriend that he will give up a bad habit for her to "prove" his love for her. the other meaning: a man suffering from internalized homophobia. both are perfect for mike. i much prefer the internalized homophobia explanation, and that's the vibe i first got when hearing this song, but, yknow. they're vague enough to not spoil anything.

here's the lyrics, idk, let me know what you think their meaning is:

"Here is a plea from my heart to you /Nobody knows me as well as you do /You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease /That takes hold of my tongue in situations like these"

That's Really Super, Supergirl - XTC (1986)

this is a purely mlvn song. in essence, a song about a man in a relationship with a super hero, he feels like she's abandoning him and their relationship, and despite the fact that she has super powers and is saving the world, she cannot fix their relationship. super fucking fitting, if you ask me.

Telephone Line - Electric Light Orchestra (1976)

not sure if it's quite his genre, but by god if the lyrics don't fit. honestly, i will go insane if they include any song with mention of a phone call in the lyrics. anyways, the song is about a guy trying to call his ex, who never picks up. heres some lyrics:

"Are you still the same? /Don't you realize the things we did, we did /Were all for real, not a dream? /I just can't believe /They've all faded out of view"

Out in the Cold - Judas Priest (1986)

dipping our toes into some metal here. basically a song about a guy who has been left by his lover, and he calls for them to come back for him. could play into mike's insecurities, and also foreshadow him being a damsel-in-distress next season.

Homosapien - Pete Shelley (1981)

okay, so this one is kind of a joke. i'm putting this on here ONLY TO SAY: this is the gayest possible song i can think of them putting on mike's playlist. like mike wheeler's days as a heterosexual are fucking over with if this song graces his playlist. do i really expect it to? no. but do i hope it does? yes.

Where Did Our Love Go? - Soft Cell (1981)

title is pretty itself is self-explanatory. can be a mlvn or byler song.

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen (1976)

fuck it, another gay song i don't realistically see them adding but i want them to anyway.

Bringin' On The Heartbreak - Def Leppard (1981)

mlvn song. kind of goes into how mike is giving el the "best" of him, but it's still not good enough. yea.

I Could Show You How - Naked Eyes (1983)

another deceptive byler-coded song. gonna just give you the lyrics:

"You've been away for so long /You walked out on me /There's no communication /No letters for me /And I wish that I could break this chain of reaction /Turn my feelings into action"

Still Loving You - Scorpions (1984)

do not let the heterosexual couple on the cover of this album fool you, i did pick this for byler. you could view it from a mlvn lens for sure, though that was not my intent.

"Yes, I've hurt your pride /And I know what you've been through /You should give me a chance /This can't be the end"

Don't Let Me Down - The Beatles (1970)

The lyrics may appear somewhat romanitic at first, but the way that they're sung, and with how many times they repeat, they begin to sound like either a cry for help or like they're trying to convince themselves they are true. i do consider this a mlvn song.

Senseless - Erasure (1986)

michael wheeler gay yearning ost

Why Can't This Be Love? - Van Halen (1986)

originally thought this would be a mlvn song but surprise, it's a byler song because it's about unrequited love

Better by You, Better Than Me - Judas Priest (1978)

(this particular song has an extremely controversial history but i picked it only because i liked the lyrics lol.)

basically, this song is about a guy telling his friend to tell his lover how he feels because he feels his friend can do a better job of conveying it.

That's the Way (I Like It) - Dead or Alive (1984)

you can put any dead or alive song here tbh they're all gonna serve the same purpose of being extremely gay, i just liked this one the best

Oh! Darling - The Beatles (1969)

a song pleading for a girl to not leave. the lyrics make whatever relationship was at stake sound very co-dependent. paul really strains his vocal chords to sing this one, which adds to the intensity of the pleas.

"When you told me, you didn't need me anymore /Well, you know I nearly broke down and cried /When you told me, that you didn't need me anymore /Well, you know I nearly fell down and died"

Ordinary World - Duran Duran (1993)

a song more mike wheeler-coded has never existed. if this was time period-accurate mike wheeler would be crying his eyes out to this DO YOU HEAR ME?

one of many fitting lyrics from this song:

"What is happening to me? /Crazy, some'd say /Where is my friend when I need you most? /Gone away"

It Doesn't Matter - Depeche Mode (1984)

moody song about a man lamenting the loss of his romantic love despite his feelings still remaining. i consider it a byler song, jealous and depressed mike vibes for sure.

"I am happy that I have you /Even though you're not here now /I know somewhere you are dreaming /Though it's definitely not of me"

and that's basically it! i have just a couple more, but these are my top contenders. the duffer brothers personally owe me 5 dollars for anyone i do get right btw

#byler #mike wheeler #music stuff #stranger things

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crowned-ladybug · 2 years ago

Note

1, 6 (ik you do but I'm very curious on the process), 9, and 21 for the writers asks! ♡

As typical it's taking me ages to actually get to these I'm sorry!!!! Thank you for the ask tho anyway <3

1) Who is your favorite character to write for and is this the character you find easiest to write for?

With all the characters over the years this is a tough one to pick out but proooobably Benrey still. He's got very fun internal monologue in my hands and you can fuck around a Lot writing him, and that does in fact also make him Easy. He's always come pretty naturally to me which explains a thing or two about my HLVRAI fics i'd say sbhdcbhdcbs

(Recent honorable mention to Sam bc he's also been proving surprisingly fun and then Dima destroyed me by saying his POV is the closest to how i talk on discord out of all the characters they've read me write so far)

6) Do you outline your fics? If so, how?

I start with the notepad app and trying to do a relatively basic lineup of just what scenes are gonna happen, so that I can have the pacing and order of things down. I hardly ever go in with a full lineup of scenes/plot already laid out in my brain, so this is where the fic is first actually born

This works half the time, giving me about a sentence for a whole scene, and then other times i end up outlining an entire scene on the spot

Then comes copying the thing over into an actual document that isn't fuckin exhausting to look at and thus the second pass of rounding out the scenes I haven't accidentally outlined well enough already

My outlines have been getting more detailed lately, so here's to believing in ghosts in specific had a Lot of bits near the end where i was just copying notes over almost word for word bc i had entire paragraphs laid out already. Other times stuff gets left at "and then they talk about [topic]" level of detail until i get to it and have to suffer

A lot of fleshing out also happens on the fly while I'm writing a completely different scene or not writing at all and then have to tab back over to the outline and add like two sentences that i cannot allow myself to forget

It's hard to pick a good example without drowning this post but this was the outline for the first scene of poison in the ashes, for comparison's sake

(I very rarely use any dialogue tags at all when outlining unless they're Significant already. I either just know who's talking anyway or if there could be any doubt, I use a chat format instead)

9) Do you visualize scenes in your head before you write them? (Can you picture the setting, character body language etc)

YES

I am a Very visual person so a Lot of the times I'm trying to put entire movie scenes onto paper and even when that's not so painfully the case, I always have the visual counterpart in my brain. Things are always pictured. Hanging onto very Very specific line deliveries which i cannot convey in text is what's less often tho, and thus sadder to forever only be in my brain, unable to hand to anyone

(I've gotten compliments on specific scenes feeling movie-like before and every time it's such huge thing to hear, that the image not only got onto the paper but also into someone else's head)

21) Writers choice - pick any of these questions that you want to answer.

14) What is something you wrote in a fic that you are hoping readers picked up on but you don't know if they did? And/or, what is something that you were excited that readers did pick up on?

There's always stuff and hardly any confirmation one way or another, however very specific example from recently: the way the first collapse scene in poison in the ashes is arranged was very much a callback to the concussion scene in and what comes tomorrow that I never expected to be picked up on and then Dima screamed at me about it so much :D

Also from poison in the ashes: when in one scene they talk about bad tea, and Rafe tells Sam to just tell him to make some next time, and then the next day Rafe is in fact the one making the tea while Sam loiters. Very on purpose. Of all the things Sam has to fill Rafe in on every morning he's decided to include the tea

#not art #ask games #kata's chatter #THANK YOU!!!!! <3 sorry i took so long #it was Partially bc i was writing so at least thats half an excuse

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moshymosh · 4 years ago

Text

Remember Me- Something’s happening

When the love of your life suffers from a disease that affects their memory of their life with you, what do you do? Will you spend your last days with them, trying to get them to remember you? The life you had, or would you give up and let them forget you?

Summary- Dr. Spencer Reid felt his whole life change when Agent Y/n L/n joined the BAU. She came in like a cool summer breeze changing everything Spencer knew about love and his capacity to care for someone so much. Y/n came to the BAU with a tragic past, her only goal was to save lives and make the world a safer place for everyone. She meets a skinny shaggy haired doctor, which causes her whole life to change, much like Spencer, will she fall in love or will her tragic past or even her job prevent her?

Pairings- Dr. Spencer Reid x f!reader

A/N- This is a notebook inspired story, this story will be told and wrote like a chapter book. So some of the endings will not always make sense. Also I don't claim go own Criminal Minds or the Notebook, this is solely for entertainment purposes and for enjoyment. Some of the lines are from the notebook movie, again I don't claim to own either fandom/tv show/ movie. I try to make Y/n as vague as possible so shes more inclusive so if there is any descriptive things that don’t apply to you feel free to ignore them. Also just putting this out there as the story progresses Maeve is still alive and well, she is a good friend of Spencer and Y/n’s. There will be graphic content and sexual scenes in later chapters, warnings will be added as they go. Also if you want to be tagged send me an as or comment here, also send requests I'm down for making little fics.

PS- Please don't post my fics anywhere without my documented consent, thanks -Karma (MoshyMosh)

Warnings!- This chapter with have some sexual content, talk of sexual assault, and descriptions of kidnapping. If these bother you please don't read this chapter!

A/N 2.0- I am like half asleep, I will double check the spelling and any issues when I was up

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Masterlist

Y/N laughed from her couch as she tossed some popcorn at Spencer, who sat on the other end of her couch.

"Y/N!" Spencer scolded as he looked over at her, with a smile, when he saw that she was pretending to be interested in the movie they were watching.

Y/N tried to hide her smirk, before she erupted in giggles as she looked back at him, tossing some more popcorn at him. Spencer groaned as he tried to swat away the onslaught of popcorn before he started laughing along with her. Soon Y/N had wiggled her way over to Spencer as she continued to rain popcorn at him before she straddled his hips. Y/N smiled down at him as she lifted the bowl of remaining popcorn above his head then tipped it, dumping the rest of the popcorn.

"Y/N!" Spencer laughed, as he reached up to grab the bowl from her hands. She chuckled and dropped the bowl behind the couch, her arms dropped so that they were draped over his shoulders. Spencer's hands dropped to rest on her hips, and let out a sigh of contentment when her fingers brushed against some of the hair at the base of his neck as she looked down at his face.

Spencer licked his lips as he nervously fiddled with her oversized sweater, his eyes looking between her eyes and her lips. "Screw it." He said quietly before he crashed his lips to hers. Y/N let out a soft gasp against his lips before she eagerly kissed him back, threading her fingers into his hair.

Spencer's hands slid under her sweater, his fingertips brushing against the band of her shorts she wore. Y/N pulled away from the kiss to pull off her sweater, leaving her top half bare. Spencer let out a breath and looked up from her chest, his hands coming up to card through her hair. He pulled her head down to crush his lips against hers again, his hips grinding up against hers slightly. The movie they had turned on, now forgotten behind her.

As they continued to kiss, Y/N let out a groan and pulled away from him as she heard her phone ringing on the coffee table. She slid off Spencer's lap and stood, reaching for her phone. Spencer bit his lip, as his eyes raked over her topless figure, as she bent to pick up the ringing device.

"Penny, you need to have a really good reason for calling on our week off." Y/N said when she answered the phone. "We have a case don't we?" She looked at Spencer as she reached for her sweater when he handed it to her. Spencer watched her slide it on and chuckled softly when he heard her next words. "No need to call him, he's right in front of me." She smiled at him, with a wink.

Spencer smiled back and stood from the couch to gather his things after he pressed a kiss to Y/N's forehead. "Was that a kiss I heard?!" He heard from Penelope's end of the call, causing him to chuckle again.

"Goodbye, Penelope." Y/N said before she hung up. "I'll get dressed then we can go to the office."

Spencer and Y/N rode to Quantico in a tension-filled silence after what happened before they were interrupted. Spencer looked over at Y/N as he replayed the kiss over and over again. He was pulled away from his thoughts as she pulled into her assigned parking spot in the lot. The pair got out and started walking to the elevator in the parking garage.

Y/N fiddled with one of the buttons on her blazer as they rode the elevator in silence. Spencer leaned over and pressed a kiss to her temple with a smile, pulling away when the doors started opening on their floor. Y/N smiled softly and stepped out with Spencer, once they were inside the bullpen, she went over to her desk to drop off her bag.

"Miss Y/N..." Penelope sing-songed as she walked over to her, dragging Derek along with her. "You have some 'splanin' to do." She said in the 'I love Lucy' voice.

"I do not." Y/N said feigning innocence. "Also we have a case so now's not the time." She said as she began to walk upstairs to the meeting room, taking her seat next to Spencer.

Soon, everyone arrived and sat down around the table pulling their files to him, opening them up to look at their contents. "Ok guys. We're not traveling very far for this case. It's in our own backyard." Hotch said as he began clicking through some of the photos on the TV screen. Y/N listened to him in the background as she started looking through the pictures for the victimology.

"Every one of the women are Y/H/C and Y/E/C eyed, the only thing different is height and weights. Some of them were found to have Y/E/C contacts and a crude dye job if they did not have the correct look to the unsub. These things were noted in the autopsies." Y/N said as she looked up at the screen as pictures of the victims came up.

"There was some DNA recovered from the sexual assaults and under the fingernails of the first victim, there were no matches in CODAS." Derek said, reading the information from his file.

"DC capitol police think the first victim is Leah Ainsworth, 24, a tourist in DC on vacation." Hotch said. "The period of which the victims were reported missing and then to when they were found is 3-5 days."

Y/N nodded her head. " The extreme amount of wounds seems like overkill. 10 of the wounds on Leah were done postmortem. A lot of rage behind these attacks." She said as she closed her file and looked around at the rest of the team to gauge their reactions.

"There's something else..." Derek said. "Every victim was found with a note that said 'For F/I M/I L/I'."

"Could it be an activist group?" Spencer asked, sitting up in his seat.

"Could be initials." Hotch said rubbing his chin in thought. "Garcia see if those are a match for anything like that."

"Got it." Penelope said, writing down a note for herself.

"Reid, Morgan, go to the latest crime scene. Y/L/N and Prentiss go to where this latest victim was abducted and see if you can get anything from there. JJ your with me, setting up the evidence boards." Hotch directed.

"Let's do this." Emily said, getting up from her seat.

The team spent the day finding out new evidence and new possibilities. As they were about to go home for the night they sat in the meeting room going over the things they found out.

"Emily and I found out our latest victim was supposed to meet someone, like a date." Y/N said as she fiddled with her pen. "But the person never showed."

Emily nodded her head. "Customer parking is down an alley behind the building, the unsub could've blitz attacked and drugged the girls."

"Garcia, anything on the search?" Hotch asked, turning towards the woman in question.

"All I got were two activist groups and millions of names." She said, rubbing at her forehead.

"Alright. Guys go home, we'll come back tomorrow and look at this with fresh eyes." Hotch said before everyone got up and went to their desks to gather their things. Y/N smiled at Spencer as she held up her keys.

"Give you a ride home." She said before she mimicked Derek's voice. "Pretty boy."

Spencer chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief. "Yes, I'll take your offer, but don't ever do that again." He joked as he walked over to her.

Y/N drove Spencer home, dropping him off at his apartment building with a kiss. Soon she arrived home, parked in her normal spot, and gather things before she let herself into the courtyard with her keycard. She looked through her keyring for her house key as she walked up to her door.

She stopped what she was doing with a smile, as she spotted a glass vase full of yellow red-tipped roses sitting in front of her door. She chuckled as she fished out her phone out and dialed Spencer's number as she reached to pull the notecard out with the hand holding her keyring, as she began reading it. She let out a squeal as she felt something press against her nose and mouth. She dropped everything she was holding to fight off her attacker.

"Y/N? Y/N?!" Spencer called over the phone hearing the struggle.

"I finally found you." Y/N heard in her ear as she felt her body go limp in her attacker's arms, succumbing to the drug. Her attacker lifted her body into his arms.

"Jason..." Y/N slurred out in the direction of her phone as her attacker pulled her badge and gun off her person. "Jason Dean... Spencie..." Y/N slurred again before she passed out.

"No one is going to save you, babe. I've got you now." her attacker said as he stepped on her phone in his walk to his vehicle.

Spencer took a shaky breath and called Hotch after the line when dead. "Hotch, Something has happened to Y/N.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid x you #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds imagine smut #Moshymosh's masterlist #Moshymoshwrites #moshymosh writes #karmawrites #Karma's imagines #Remember Me

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spicycreativity · 3 years ago

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Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 1

Chapter: 1/12 Rating: T (for language) Content Warnings: Canon-typical Remus content. This chapter only: alcohol use Characters: All Pairings: Moceit, background Prinxiety, background Intrulogical (yes I played a little game of "pair the spares") Additional Tags: Hey it's the fic I published on Anon because I was embarrassed of how utterly pretentious it is!, post-PoF, sickfic, dirty poetry, humor interspersed with philosophy and Janus-typical pontification, this is VERY speculative and will get Jossed in the future lmao Summary: After claiming his place in the Light and coming face-to-face with the consequences of his actions, Janus finds himself unwillingly re-calibrating his moral compass. For selfish reasons, of course. But one apology snowballs into several, and soon he's running around the Mindscape with a low-grade fever and a guilty conscience as he desperately tries to regain some sense of self. Oh, and he's definitely not falling in love with Patton, so don't even bring it up. One Last Note: I wrote this in an ADHD fugue state. It is HEAVILY influenced by Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment, but there are also references to poetry and various other works of literature. I also deliberately used symbols, themes, and motifs. Most of them are pretty in your face except for the recurring ouroboros, which is used as a symbol of rebirth. ...Told you it was pretentious.

When you wake up to the promise of your dream world comin' true With one less friend to call on, was it someone that I knew? Away you will go sailing in a race among the ruins If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon

Janus appeared in the Dark side of the Mindscape, elation swelling in his chest. Even the ringing headache and bitter taste in his mouth couldn't hollow the unfamiliar triumph that warmed him to the core. Caught up in his own thoughts, it took a moment for him to register the sight before him: Remus, upside-down on the couch, his brow furrowed and face an alarming shade of purple.

For a moment, Janus stood stock-still as he tried to get his bearings. He must have been more flustered than he'd realized-- He'd been aiming for his bedroom.

But here he was, staring down at Remus, who was definitely going to burst a blood vessel (or several) if he didn't flip over soon.

"That's not horrifying at all," Janus said, thinking it would be rude to dismiss Remus, especially since he had probably been eavesdropping. He had likely heard everything. Everything. Even the ugly parts.

"Do you remember when Thomas read that post about Nutty Putty Cave?" Remus asked in a strained, strangled voice. "That spelunker who died because he got stuck upside-down?"

"No," Janus said, before realizing his mistake. "Yes." He definitely wanted Remus to remind him of the gory details.

"That's what I thought," Remus said with a wicked grin.

Janus sighed through his nose. Remus, though he thrived on attention, seemed content enough to continue his experiment by himself. On the other hand, if Janus didn't bring up a certain insult he'd levied at Roman, Remus most certainly would, and at a time where it would cause the most upset and turmoil. Better for Janus to deal with it now, even if he would have to fight the tension pulling his muscles taut. He wanted to dance. He wanted to scream.

Hesitation proved to be Janus' downfall, and by the time he'd opened his mouth to broach the subject at hand, Remus had beaten him to the blow. "You're not usually this quiet, Oralboros. Snake got your tongue?"

Janus, again, sighed. Rather than answer, he doffed his hat, set it on the coffee table, and clumsily arranged himself upside-down next to Remus. The change in position immediately made his head throb. He ignored it. "I definitely meant it when I called you 'evil'."

Remus' eyes widened in faux-shock. "You called me evil ?" he shrieked, voice ringing out high and clear. "Me? How dare you. I'm an angel!"

At least Remus was taking it well. "Sarcasm is my thing," Janus said, realizing that he might make it out of this without having to properly apologize.

For some reason, Patton's face flashed into his mind, and a subsequent twinge of guilt made his tongue go sour. Fine. If there was ever a time to start telling uncomfortable truths… "But I am sorry I said that."

"Wow!" Remus laughed. "You must be upset." A red stain began to spill across his left eye. "You don't apologize."

"It’s not like I care about your feelings or anything." Janus would have liked to have drawn himself up to his full height, but it was impossible to do while upside-down. "As much as I'm enjoying watching your blood vessels slowly burst, would you please turn over before you hurt yourself? I've suffered enough psychological trauma for today."

"Oh, fine." Remus kicked his legs and landed neatly on his toes like a gymnast.

Janus, by contrast, got his arms tangled in his capelet and nearly folded himself in half before he found his balance again. "I meant to do that," he said, turning to grab his hat so Remus wouldn't see the blush on his face.

The sudden sensation of blood draining from his head made the room whirl. He steadied himself against Remus' shoulder until it slowed somewhat, but nothing could dampen the horrible ringing in his ears.

"Well," he said, adjusting his shirt. The sudden appearance of his conscience had taken the wind out of his sails more than he cared to admit, and all thoughts of dancing bled out of him along with a good deal of energy. "I'm not going to go scream into my pillows until I tire myself out."

"Being an agent of chaos is hard work," Remus said with a sage nod, "but that doesn't sound very relaxing, Mr Self Care."

"It's a form of meditation, if you think about it," Janus said.

Remus made a face. "You know I don't do that."

"...Meditate?"

"No, think."

"Ah. Well." Janus made only a token attempt to hide his fond smile. "Good night, Remus. Please stay up late and injure yourself."

"Can do, Snakeypoo.”

Janus turned. It was close enough, he might as well walk to his bedroom, especially considering how well his last attempt at appearing in it had gone.

The reason why that had been so difficult became apparent in mere moments. Janus froze in the hall and dropped to his knees at the giddy wave of horror and delight that made him too light-headed to stand.

He knelt in front of the empty stretch of wall where his door had been previously.�� Heat flooded his face.

"Jay?" The rounded toes of Remus' boots appeared in his line of sight. Janus zeroed in on them, the mud splatters and stains on the soft leather. "You have an aneurysm or what?"

Janus, unable to speak, motioned for Remus to turn around. He couldn't deal with this right now.

"Ohhh," said Remus. "Well. Good luck with that ." He hauled Janus to his feet. "So you're a boner fide good guy now, huh?"

Janus stared over Remus' shoulder at the empty stretch of wall where his door used to be. "That depends entirely on who you ask."

Remus shrugged and rose up on his toes. "You can scream into my pillows instead, if you want."

"As tempting as that is…" Janus trailed off, his eyes still fixed on the wall. It was tempting, despite the constant chaos in Remus' room. But he'd have to face the Light side sooner or later. It wasn't like he could move his room back, not without psychologically damaging Thomas and undoing all the work he'd done. "I'm really looking forward to getting insulted some more."

"Alright," Remus said with a shrug. "Try not to throw me under the bus this time, alright? Unless it's a real bus…" His gaze became dreamy, unfocused. "And it's doing 50 in a school zone and there's a whole pack of screaming kids in the crosswalk--"

"Goodbye, Remus." Janus turned and left.

The barrier between the "dark" and the "light" sides of Thomas' brain had been a joint venture. It would have been there in some form no matter what, but it was Janus and Roman (with Patton's tacit blessing) who had worked to put up something more physical between them.

Janus ducked under the red curtain, trepidation percolating in his stomach, but what he found on the other side was anticlimactic to say the least: It was dead silent on this side of the barrier.

Janus wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. He knew by now that the so-called "Lights" had issues working out their interpersonal issues, and this most recent conflict wasn't the kind of thing you just got over. It did follow that they would all go off to lick their wounds for a time.

Hesitantly, toe-to-heel, Janus crept down the hall. It felt for all the world like he was sneaking around a vast hotel, right down to needlessly ornate design on the plush carpeting. That was probably Roman's doing.

Janus focused, trying to call the Mindscape to work for him. He wanted to go to his room.

The Mindscape listened. Janus turned a corner and found a row of doors stretching down yet another brightly-lit corridor. His eye was immediately drawn, not to the brilliant yellow of his own door, but to the figure huddled in front of it: Patton sat with his arms wrapped around his legs, forehead resting on his knees.

"Looking for someone?" Janus asked, slightly louder than necessary.

Patton jerked his head up. "Oh! Janus!" He plastered an unconvincing smile on his face. "You sure pop star-tled me."

Scaring Patton hadn't brought Janus nearly the level of schadenfreude he'd thought it would. He crossed his arms over his chest, extending a third to help Patton up. "Take your time getting to the point.”

"Oh." Patton accepted Janus' proffered hand and got to his feet. Warmth spilled from him, permeating the fabric of Janus' glove and gently heating his palm. "Well, it's just…" He took a deep breath. "I noticed your door and I thought-- Well, I wanted to make you feel welcome!"

A high-pitched tone resonated in Janus' skull. He bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from wincing at the mounting pressure-pain-exhaustion in his temples. "Aren't you just a saint ." Patton's face fell. Janus fought the urge to swear aloud. He usually had a better handle on himself, and he knew better than to alienate potential allies. "I mean, thank you, Patton. Truly. I appreciate it." Patton had proven himself useful. Janus should at least cultivate that relationship, even if it meant a little discomfort.

"Have you eaten?" Patton asked. "It's a little late, but I could make something if you wanted." He paused. "Maybe we could play cards or something." Another pause. "O-only if you want to, I mean."

Janus let his face remain impassive even as he internally cringed at the idea of staying awake for even another second. It would be so easy to brush Patton off with a few honeyed words and disappear beyond the barrier of his door. But Patton had stood up for him today, or at least he'd tried to. Janus sighed. Quid pro quo. "That sounds like an utter waste of time."

"Are you… I'm sorry, sometimes I can't tell when you're…"

"Yes, Patton. That sounds lovely."

Patton actually hopped in place, an adorable little jig that absolutely didn't send a confusing little shockwave of fondness through Janus' ribcage. "Really?"

"Really," Janus lied.

He followed Patton down the hall into the living room, which opened into the dining room and the kitchen. Janus studied his surroundings, trying to take in as much as his exhausted faculties would allow. Even in the absence of other Sides, the living room felt warm and welcoming. All the lights were on, and they bathed everything in gentle golden light .

"You're awfully quiet," Patton said.

Janus shook himself. "I was just getting my bearings."

"I guess you've never really been over here, huh?" Pattton opened the refrigerator. Was he actually going to cook , instead of just manifesting something? How quaint. "Do you like grilled cheese?"

It had been a long, confusing day. Doublespeak came to Janus as naturally as breathing, but he was obviously running circles around Patton even when he wasn't trying to. "Yes," he said, hoping to telegraph his sincerity by not emoting at all.

It seemed to work. Patton studied him for a moment before turning back to the fridge. "Then that's what I'll make."

Janus took advantage of this temporary distraction to clamber onto one of the barstools. The slick velvet of his capelet tended to disagree with surfaces like wood and vinyl, and he needed a moment to arrange things so he didn't look as unbalanced as he felt.

He watched Patton work in the kitchen, a detached coolness washing out the scene. Quid pro quo, he reminded himself when he felt his facade begin to slip. He owed Patton this.

He certainly didn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt, that he had been the one to orchestrate this breakdown. Yes, the Light Sides had loaded the gun, but in the end it was Janus who had pulled the trigger.

He shook his head and thought about playing cards, good Bicycle playing cards with holes punched through them like they'd come from a casino. "What should we play?" he asked, pulling the deck from his breast pocket.

Patton looked up from the stovetop, his eyes flicking to the cards in Janus' hand. "Do you know Kings in the Corners?"

"Not personally, no."

Patton laughed, but there was something cold about it. "It's really simple," he said. "I'll show you how to play and you can tell me if you like it."

It was nearly impossible to cheat at Kings in the Corners. Janus doubted this had been a calculated measure on Patton's part, doubted he had the capacity for that kind of foresight, but he respected it just the same.

They played in funereal silence, staring each other down across the light wood of the dining room table. Janus, ill-inclined to take off his gloves, utilized a napkin to keep from staining them with melted butter from the grilled cheese Patton had made. Neither one of them smiled. Neither one of them spoke.

Janus pulled a card from the deck to indicate the end of his turn and glanced up at Patton. His face was somber, almost sorrowful, and it clashed against the gentle domesticity of the dining room, with its floral table runner and mismatched placemats.

Janus started to laugh.

"What is it?" Patton asked, cheeks darkening. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

Janus swallowed down another peal of laughter and cleared his throat, unable to wholly restrain the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "You look like I’m holding you here at gunpoint." It was somewhat ironic, considering Janus was the one who felt like he couldn't leave.

"What?" Patton smiled, but it was more akin to an offering than an expression of joy.

"It’s not really funny. " Janus wasn’t quite sure how to make Patton understand.

Patton sat back with a sigh, placing his cards facedown on the table. "But I guess it is pretty funny, huh? In a really sad way."

Janus almost asked what was sad about it before realizing that Patton probably missed his friends. Instead he said, "Yes" and stifled a yawn behind his free hand.

"I'll make coffee!" Patton leapt to his feet and was off to the kitchen before Janus could so much as blink.

The newfound solitude made it that much harder for Janus to ignore his headache, which had only worsened in the hour or so he'd been playing cards with Patton. Despite the nonchalant facade he'd tried so hard to project, he'd been holding himself tense.

Maybe the night (or morning, at this point) would be easier to tolerate if he had, say, a bit of gold rum.

The corner of a flask dug into Janus' hip. He smiled.

"Just how late are you planning on staying up?" he asked Patton when the latter returned holding two mismatched mugs.

"Oh, I don't know," Patton said. Lied. He set a mug down in front of Janus and then resumed his seat, the cards forgotten by his elbow. "I'm… A little scared of what tomorrow will be like."

Janus eased the flask out of his pocket. "Rum?"

"Oh, um," Patton said, staring at the flask. "I don't know…"

Janus raised an eyebrow, working something out. He landed on it a millisecond later: Patton wanted to be convinced. Easy enough. Janus opened the flask and poured what he hoped was a shot into his own mug. It was black, he noticed, except for the yellow snake that wrapped around it, its tail firmly in its own mouth. Ouroboros. "Surely you don't intend to make me drink alone?"

As Janus had expected, Patton buckled the second he was pushed. "I guess not."

It was funny, Janus mused as he carefully tipped rum into Patton's coffee, how lying was only off-limits when Janus suggested it. Hilarious.

But now wasn't the time for bitterness, now was the time to repay the debt he owed Patton. "Cheers," he said, pocketing the flask once more.

"Cheers."

Janus sipped his coffee. "You put milk in this," he observed.

Patton's smile was surprisingly sly. "I know you want me to think you take it black. Virgil did too, at first. I know you ‘Dark Sides’ have an image you like to uphold."

"And how does Virgil take his coffee now?" Janus asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"With Snickers-flavored creamer."

"Well, I do take my coffee black," Janus lied.

Patton's smile never faltered. "We'll see, kid-- Uh, Janus."

"Patton," Janus said, before he could start thinking about the implications of Patton wanting to call him 'kiddo,' "you are planning on sleeping tonight, aren't you?"

"Maybe eventually," Patton said, suddenly unable to look Janus in the eye. "At some point."

"Tomorrow will come whether or not you sleep. It's definitely better to pull an all-nighter and feel like garbage instead of facing everything with a clear head."

"I know." Patton leaned forward so he could rest his head on his hand.

For a moment, Janus was tempted to mirror him. Sitting up straight was becoming quite the chore. "I know how the others love a calm, rational discussion."

"Oh, I wish." Patton's expression turned wistful.

Janus stifled a yawn behind his hand. He had half-expected the coffee to counteract the depressant effect of the alcohol, but all he had to show for the combination was a racing heart.

"I'll be fine out here if you want to go to bed," Patton said. Without seeming to realize he was doing it, he brought his hand to his mouth and bit down on his thumbnail.

It was a tempting offer. A day ago, Janus would have taken it. After all, it wasn't like he cared about Patton outside of professional courtesy. They weren't friends. But guilt nagged at him and wouldn't let him entertain the idea of abandoning Patton for longer than a second.

"That's a remarkable impression of a window," Janus said, waiting for Patton to look confused before elaborating, "I can see right through you."

"You got me." Patton smiled sadly. "That's something I've always admired about you, Janus."

Now it was Janus' turn to be confused. "What?"

"You're so… clever."

Janus narrowed his eyes. "Please do keep trying to change the subject."

"It's just… I don't want to have to lie there and, and think about today and everything I did wrong. I hurt Thomas. I hurt my friends." Patton's eyes were shiny behind his glasses; the unshed tears sparkled in the light when he locked eyes with Janus. "Aren't you going to think about the same thing?"

Anger flared, perhaps prematurely, in Janus' chest. "About what you did wrong today?"

"About what you did wrong," Patton said timidly.

"I," Janus said icily, "didn't do anything wrong." He stared Patton down across the table, jaw set, daring him to push back. Let him lecture and nag, let him prove that he hadn't changed no matter what he said.

But Patton only nodded, his face lined with misery. "Okay," he softly. "I think you're right, Janus. We should go to bed."

Janus thought about how much faster he could get to bed if the table was cleared, and all the dishes and cards vanished in a blink.

"Um, Janus?" Patton said.

"Yes?"

"I don't regret everything that happened today."

"Oh?"

Patton only nodded and sank out.

Janus made a beeline for his own room; better to find his way there on foot rather than risk appearing in the wrong spot.

Once inside, he looked around to ensure nothing was amiss, eyes roving over the dark wood of his bookshelves and desk, his mirrored closet doors, the leather armchairs across from his bed.

Everything was exactly as Janus had left it. He nodded, satisfied, set his hat on the nightstand, and sprawled out of top of the covers without bothering to further undress.

One hazy thought crawled to the surface of his mind before he fell asleep: At least he wouldn't be one of the regrets haunting Patton tonight.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #janus sanders #moceit #spicywrites soft-shoe shuffle #song featured is: race among the ruins - gordon lightfoot #pics are free to use from unsplash and wikimedia commons

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mittensmorgul · 5 years ago

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I'm sure you're overwhelmed with asks, so if this drowns no worries! Just wondering your thoughts on how much Dean was eating this ep, bacon, hot dog, that other thing I missed, also casually drinking from a flask in the afternoon. Usually he is a drown in whisky guy, but switched to food for this one, would you count that as growth? Or was it meant to drive home the "meat man" thing? Both?

heck hi! I fully intend to write about this when I get to my rewatch notes. Which I’m hopefully gonna be starting here in a bit, but it’ll probably take me until tomorrow to get all the way through it.

I’ve reblogged a lot of other posts that have touched on it since you sent this message last night (sorry for the delay!), so I hope some of those have helped tide you over in the meantime. :D

But heck YES. There’s so many past episodes where Dean has sat eating a pile of bacon, and it’s almost universally been a Grief Bacon situation. 13.05, hung over and eating Mt. Baconmore wearing sunglasses at breakfast, just hours before he literally kills himself out of grief. 13.14, where he declares that if bacon is the thing that kills him, then he wins-- with the whole mission with Cas to kill Gog and Magog and “I don’t get words wrong” and their COMPLETE BREAKDOWN OF COMMUNICATION before they headed out about why Cas felt he was brought back-- for the mission, to protect jack, and dean had zero to do with it and was not enough of a reason, or possibly not even a reason AT ALL.

Bacon is a Sad Thing for Dean. Literally kummerspeck.

And this is how Dean behaves (looking back at like 13.05 and all the things Sam tried to do for him to “cheer him up” or whatever, but also at like 12.18 where he’s nearly sacrificed to an old god at a meat packing plant and goes on and on about meat at a time when Cas wasn’t answering his calls and had disappeared from his life again). He eats his feelings. Bacon, waffles, chili fries, burgers, pie, donuts, croissookies... he’s an equal opportunity indulger.

I just reblogged a post about the other thing he was eating-- PRETZELS. He just stood there, casually munching pretzels. I mean, where did he even GET this food? The pretzels OR the hot dog? Like???

But the bacon was the most interesting scene of all to me, not only for his repeated declarations that he’s the “Meat Man,” but for his entire interaction with Sam about it, and what it says about their relationship as a whole.

Sam... is an adult man. And yet for some reason he’s been asking DEAN to buy veggie bacon for him? And rather than giving up on ever converting Dean to his “hippie Sarah McLachlan grass-eater crap,” which Dean mouthed along to word for word so this is clearly Dean’s stance on it, Sam continues to just bemoan the fact that he’ll never have his veggie bacon himself. He’s missing the entire point that Dean shouldn’t have to provide it for him, nor should Dean’s refusal to buy it mean that Sam can’t choose it for himself. Nor does it mean that Dean should change what HE likes to accommodate what Sam wants.

But it’s more than that, because Sam had to go and hang multiple bacon-flavored lampshades for us in this episode. He insisted that Dean must not know what “Meat Man” actually means, or that Dean somehow doesn’t realize what it sounds like when he says it. Dean actually sits there for a second before replying that yes, he knows exactly what it means. He’s coded veggie bacon as female, going so far to tie it specifically to Sarah McLachlan, who among other things is known for the Lilith Fair promoting an all-female lineup. Also, possibly her biggest/best known song was called “Angel” and makes EVERYONE cry, I mean... talk about a multi-layered reference here for what’s actually underlying dean’s issues here.

And Dean is perfectly comfortable admitting to Sam that yes, he does know exactly what it means, and he’s gonna keep eating his man meat. Because he’s the meat man. Meanwhile, that’s not what Sam wants for himself, and Dean will never provide for him what he wants, because Sam is a grown-ass man who can provide for himself, and yet he isn’t. Because like Dean was in early s13, and early s14 for a different reason, Sam is drowning in his memories (inflamed by his current weird dreams that he’s still unaware are probably a direct result of his God Wound), and no matter what he does, he’s not feeling better about any of it. The relief he’d hoped would come from “winning” here hasn’t materialized, because a) the cost was too high for him to accept it as a true win with Rowena’s apparent death, and 2) he doesn’t yet know that he hasn’t actually won and is still trapped in Chuck’s story, like Dean didn’t realize he was still trapped in Michael’s fake Rocky’s bar in 14.10.

Heck this is a lot of symbolism to put on food, isn’t it?

Dean got all excited about a BEAVER while eating those pretzels. And he actually got to have a conversation with Toby the dude in the beaver suit while eating the hot dog. And he declared it all awesome.

But that conversation at the crime scene when Dean took a drink from his flask? That’s the pin that holds the rest together. Because it was about Sam as much as Dean. I really need to go back and watch the scene and quote lines, but I don’t have time right now, so I’ll sum it up as Sam finally FINALLY realizing that no matter how much he wishes he could, he can no longer run away and pretend that the monsters aren’t out there. He can’t just go off and live behind a white picket fence with some random woman and pretend his entire life hadn’t happened, like he’s tried to do in the past-- where we found him in the pilot living with Jessica and pretending to be normal, or like he tried to do with Amelia for a year without ever telling her the truth about his life. It had never truly worked for him in the past, and it took him until now to truly admit that to himself. Which... is good, because character growth, but so painful to him that it’s only adding to his current suffering.

okay, I gotta run, but I do actually have more to say about this in context of the episode, but this is a good start. So i’m gonna post it :D

#spn s15 spoilers #spn 15.03 #dean vs pie vs cake #the abominable cheeseburger #the bacon masterpost pffft #captainhouliouniverse

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xxkellsvixen19xx · 6 years ago

Text

I Am Not Living, I Am Surviving Hug Me Michael x Reader

Warnings: this theme deals with depression and thoughts of suicide which could be triggering for some.

A/N: as someone that deals with depression I felt compelled to post this. Michael helps Y/N during her depressive episode, the reader (much like me tends to shut people out especially when things get difficult so I feel this on a personal level). Hope you guys take the time to read this as it is kinda personal for me, thanks guys and please let me know what you think. Note the lyrics used are from Britta Phillips version of the song Drive

youtube

//who's gonna tell you when

it's too late

who's gonna tell you things

aren't so great

you can't go on

thinking nothing's wrong

who's gonna drive you home tonight//

I was not alone, that there was someone somewhere who was able to articulate the seething, jumbled, brutal, pre-linguistic, thrashing, writhing, hazing, dulling pounding in my head. It wasn't just me. That single thought was the most important thing in the world to me, sometimes the one thing that kept me alive – a single false note of optimism would have shattered it all for me, left me thinking yes, it really is just me – the words people offer me really are just that, words, the hope they contain utterly irrelevant because they relate to an experience that is not mine.

‘I put on a brave front' it had been so easy to hide how I truly felt, laugh, joke act like I was completely fine. But truth was I knew deep down inside I wasn't masking it would only work for so long. I was rapidly sliding deeper and deeper into a very dark space. My symptoms got worse and soon I found it too difficult to even get up and out of bed in the morning.

‘You feel nothing. You shut down completely. There is no happiness, no sadness, nothing. You feel zero.’ Depression is not something that can be brushed away with a smile, or shooed away with a pat on the back. It’s something more deeper and profound. There’s no gadget to test which person is suffering from what type of depression, and there’s no instrument to measure the extent of depression.

Statistics say that as many as 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health problem at some point in our lives. That means you know someone—probably several someones—with depression, anxiety, an eating disorder or something else. Isolation can have a crushing effect on a lot of people. Some people thrive on it, but humans on the whole are a social bunch and need to interact with others. When that isn’t possible, it’s easy to feel that the walls are closing in. But honestly all I was good at doing is pushing people away, I am afraid if they get to close if they see really see what I am going through that they might abandon me because it may end up being way too much for them.

I kept a diary somehow it felt safer to write down my thoughts, the one person I should be honest with is Michael but I honestly couldn't bring myself to do it. Would he be hurt? Would he hate me? So many thoughts in the back of my mind I pushed them away. I scribbled furiously in the journal and tossing it aside. Normally I hid it under a loose floorboard in our bedroom but on this night not giving it so much as a second thought I feel asleep journal wide open. Y/N didn't hear Michael when he walked in, he looked at you you were fast asleep. He noticed the leather bound book that laid open by your sleeping form. He didn't want to invade your privacy but something alerted him that something was on deed wrong. He looked at the small paragraph scrawled on the page, his face froze in fear at the words before him.

Dear Michael.

I've been thinking about ending my life. I don't know why I can't talk to you in person, so I bought this Diary in the case that I do end up killing myself you will know why I did what I did and that you cannot blame yourself. Michael you are the reason I am still here. for now. But the voices in my head are so strong and the pain that it is inflicting on me everyday, one more thing and I feel like I won't be able to hold on, but I will for you Michael I will try my best for you.

Yours Truly,

Y/F/N Y/L/N

Depression is a hole and I'm slowly falling in trying to claw out and everyone I love is just standing there watching. Honestly I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep 'acting’ like I was ok when deep down inside I wanted to end it, quiet the voices leave the pain behind that quite frankly I felt like I was drowning in.

I opened my eyes I don't know how long I had been asleep or even what time it was. I looked to see Michael's concerned expression his piercing blue eyes felt like they had penetrated my soul. There my journal sat in his lap, Michael let out a breath attempting to steady himself. “Why won't you talk to me Y/N, tell me that something was wrong?” I couldn't even open up my mouth to speak it was like I lost all nerve to even respond. My first instinct was to bolt, I sat up quickly turning my body away from him. I wasn't able to even make it to the edge of the bed, Michael grabbed my arm “Y/N please talk to me don't shut me out!”

Michael's breathing started to get heavier as his eyes started to well up. Y/N looked at Michael, saying nothing. He wondered what she was thinking. Finally, after a few moments, she started sobbing, and she leaned into him. Michael immediately pulled her into his arms, letting her cry on his shoulder, and struggling not to cry himself. ‘I was tired of feeling helpless. I had to do something, anything.’ ‘I remember that exact moment as the one where I started to feel good about myself again, I just wish it could've lasted longer…

There was another moment of silence, this one longer than the last, "I tried to tell myself that you'd get better, that you would get back to normal but the truth is I didn't know that. I didn't know if you'd get better, you can't keep doing this to yourself Y/N, what if I never see you again! And the thought of everyone else just going on with their lives made me sick! So yeah,I am angry, and I am scared… I didn't know what the fuck I am supposed to do!" Michael's voice finally broke as tears streamed down his face. Y/N, with tears in her own eyes, finally stood up. She pressed her forehead against Michael's and placed her hands on the sides of his head. ‘But most of all, I knew, come what may, I had at least one safe harbor.’ I looked up at Michael the look was unmistakable.

‘I'll never forget what I saw at that moment, looking into Michael's eyes.’

‘He loved me. This sweet, perfect man… loved me.’

After staring at him for another moment that seemed to last forever, she finally leaned in and kissed him. He quickly began kissing her back. The two of them continued this until it started to grow more heated, with the two of them running their hands over each other, and Michael kissing along the side of her neck.

He pulled back after a minute and looked at her.

"Are you… are you sure this is okay?" he asked, breathing heavily.

Y/N gave Michael a smile.

"I'm sure," I said.

‘That wasn't entirely true. I wasn't sure, or rather I wasn't sure if I was sure.but I didn't know if that made a difference. I knew I wanted it to be okay this time.’

The two of them resumed, even more passionately this time. They began removing clothes and letting their hands roam over more of more of each other…

‘More than anything, I wanted it to be okay this time. I remember thinking, please, please, let it be okay this time.’

Michael continued kissing Y/N, who leaned her head back as the feelings came over her…

‘But it wasn't okay’

I inhaled sharply…

‘It was perfect.’

2 weeks later…

"How is Y/N?" Gallant ask, suddenly looking at Michael with concern on his face.

Michael hesitated. He came here to help Gallant with an issue with his salon , not unload his own worries onto him. Still, lying to him didn't feel right either.

"I don't know, really," Michael finally said. "She just doesn't seem to want to open up. I know she's been having a really hard time." Michael gave Gallant a slight smile. “I think it's just going to take time.” Gallant responded softly.

‘The day were getting... bearable.’

‘So were the days after that, and the next after that.’

‘Michael found me a new doctor. A bit further away, but worth the trip. I was able to open up to her a little.’

‘Still, I couldn't shake this feeling that there was something I was supposed to do, but at first, I couldn't figure out what it was.’

‘But gradually I started to notice something…’

‘...something I couldn't shake once I noticed them.,

‘The signs.’

‘The ones most people didn't see. The ones no one saw in me until it was almost too late.’

Michael wiped one last tear rolling down his face and closed his eyes.

“Please live for me Y/N," he said, softly. “Stay with me, I love you."

Y/N sighed in relief.

‘All I could do after that was live.’

Michael pulled me close to him tightly I could hear his heartbeat, a steady reminder to live

//Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.//

Mahatma Gandhi

#ahs #ahs apocalypse #michael langdon #cody fern #fan fiction

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fiti-vation · 7 years ago

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Hi! I wanna run a marathon sometime this year, but I'm currently an unfit blob. Do you think it's possible or am I being unrealistic? I know nothing about running. Thanks!

Hi dear,

Sorry for the late reply, I hope you’re doing well.

Since, I don’t know what your current fitness level, this will be a general answer to your question.

The marathon is a difficult distance to master, no matter if you’re a bucket-list runner whose only goal is to cross the finish line, or if you’re a competitive runner on the hunt for a personal best. Even the most seasoned marathoners have no idea what their marathon times will be. Think about it-setting a finish time is a little like picking the winning lottery numbers because there are so many variables that can affect your performance: wind, rain, cold, heat, humidity, etc. Everything-from an ache in your calf to a hotspot on your foot to that cup of water you missed at the last fluid station-is heightened when you cover 26.2 miles on foot, but that’s part of the lure of the marathon. If it were easy, the accomplishment wouldn’t be as coveted.

It is definitely possible to run a marathon as long as you not scared of getting out of your comfort zone. If you stay in your comfort zone, you’re not going to do anything special. A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. Running challenges, you.

The key to running a strong first marathon is to remember the three “P’s”: Preparedness, Patience and Perseverance.

Preparedness: Mental toughness

As I have discussed in previous posts the first step to any fitness goals is mental wellbeing. Those who’ve been following me for years know that I am a huge advocate of mental discipline. Most of us think that it is our body that will get the job done when it fact it is our mind. If you’re not right mentally you will never perform well physically. Mental Toughness is really what will get you to the finish line. The body achieves what the mind believes!

If you’re just getting into running, the first obstacle to overcome will be yourself. Getting through the first couple of months will be the most difficult because most people’s brains aren’t hardwired to have exercise every day. But sticking with it and exercising every day, after a couple of months your brain will be reprogrammed to expect you to get out and exercise every day. After that, it’s much easier to make the time and find motivation to go for a run or walk.

Having once weighted 220 pounds myself and suffered from class 2 obesity, I can attest that the first couple of months are horrible. You’ll probably see very little in the way of results and you’ll wonder why the hell you are bothering. You’ll get tired and you’ll get sick of it and you might lose your motivation. Just remember that it will get easier at the end of those first couple of months. While you’re establishing that routine, it’s really important to be kind to yourself. Don’t look at the scales, don’t worry about your times, don’t focus on running a marathon. Just focus on establishing a regular fitness routine. Commit to exercising every day regardless of what the outcome is over those first three months let’s say. That’s all! Just as you can’t start with a 250-lb deadlift, you can’t jump into training at an 8-minute mile. If you want to make it past a week of training you have to mentally and physically slow down.

While working on your mental toughness, also take this time to find yourself as a runner. Do you prefer training indoors or outdoors? It’s a lot easier to jump off a treadmill vs. running outdoors where giving up means you’ll still have to walk home. Are you a team player or a soloist? Find a running buddy who is just a little bit faster than you to keep you challenged, otherwise work on an awesome playlist to keep you pumped throughout your run. And find your solemate-stop by a running store to analyze your gait and find the proper sneaker (turns out the stability, cushioning shoe I splurged on would help ease shin splits for my overpronating feet).

To conclude here, I would also recommend that you start mastering the power of visualization. On several nights before going to bed, or first thing in the morning, visualize yourself crossing the finish line as the clock shows a new personal best. Before the 2004 Olympic Marathon Trials, where Wells placed seventh, she replayed positive mental images before falling asleep at night. “I knew the course we would be running, and I’d see myself out on it running well,” she says. “There’s a hill in the 25th mile, and I’d say to myself, ‘Okay, get up that hill, and then run strong to the finish.’”

Personally, I utilize self-talk and positive thinking. Self-talk is all about encouraging yourself, especially when things are starting to get tough. If I am hurting during a race, I tell myself that the other runners are probably hurting just as bad, if not more. When it comes to positive thinking, I think it is a good technique to use in running and in life. Even when things are not going well, there is a better day tomorrow. But you have to work for a better day, not just hope for one.

Mental limits will hinder you far behind physical limits will. Trust your training, trust your body.

Preparedness: Fitness Assessment

Before you start running you should start your new training cycle by assessing your current level of fitness. Many coaches have their runners complete a detailed self-assessment of their strengths and weaknesses as a runner, what types of runs they do and don’t enjoy, as well as previous PRs and reactions to training cycles. Look back at your training log to help complete your own self-assessment.

Preparedness: Training/Recovery

After that you’ve assessed your fitness level

choose a plan based on your fitness level

. Focused running is more important than long useless mileage. Longer endurance events need more aerobic work than shorter events. The key is to not overtrain. Make sure you are logging workouts to assess your volume week-by-week, month-by-month and year-by-year.

Your training plan should gradually build weekly mileage and the distance of the long runs. This slow-but-steady buildup allows you to get stronger and go longer, without getting hurt or burned out. Some days you’ll want to add more miles, but it’s best to stick to the plan.

Each week, you should do a long run to develop the endurance you’ll need to cover the race distance. On these runs, focus on covering the mileage for the day, and forget about pace. Take walk breaks to stay energized throughout.

There are a bunch of running schedules you can find online (like the ones from Hal Higdon, for example), but accept the fact that it’s OK to modify based on your ability and schedule, and set realistic, achievable goals in terms of mileage and pace. I have included one below.

Keep the training fun: mix it up with different length runs and a variety of speeds.

Build up gradually to a long run of more than 20 miles but less than 24, preferably over several months of a crescendo, adding two to three miles per week to the distance.

If you don’t have time to build up gradually, work in “brick” sessions where you run long on two sequential days so that the total is a marathon and your legs and mind know what it is like to run tired.

Avoid injury and illness by monitoring your body and addressing niggles when they are merely warning signs. Massage, ice, cross-training, a strong core, proper rest and recovery, shoes that match your running form and aren’t overly worn, a healthy diet, and a smart training schedule will all help in that quest.

Use ice baths to recover after longer runs and avoid massages before the big event-but feel free to make an appointment now for a few days after the race (a sports massage one or two days after the event could help speed up recovery).

Make Smart Adjustments to Your Training Plan The most difficult aspect of a bad workout is deciding how to proceed once you know it’s not your day. The two best options: slow the pace, and if that doesn’t work, stop the workout entirely. When you’re struggling this much to hit times for a workout, it’s better to regroup, put the workout behind you, and just move forward with the training. It’s important that you do not try to make up a workout the next day. This throws off the balance of the training program.

Note that when training for a marathon do not only focus on cardio. Don’t skimp on the strength training! It’s so important for injury prevention and goes a long way to help with both speed and endurance. Learning proper glute activation for any hills on the course will allow you to expend far less energy than if you were powering through with your calves, while lateral movements will help strengthen your hip and knee stabilizer muscles.

Preparedness: Nutrition/Eat well

In order to run your best, it’s important to have a balanced diet. About half your daily calories should come from carbohydrates, like whole grains, fruits, and vegetables. About a quarter of your calories should come from lean protein, like dairy, lean meats, beans, and legumes. The remainder should come from heart-healthy fats like olive oil and avocados. I would recommend that you read about the science of carb loading.

PRACTICE EATING ON THE RUN: You’ll need to refuel every 30 to 45 minutes during the race, so on your long runs, experiment with different brands and flavors of sports drinks, gels, and chews to find out which one sits best in your stomach. Be sure to try out the brand and flavor that will be offered at the race.

Plan out your hydration and nutrition strategy to get you comfortable through the entire distance. Find out what electrolyte drink they’ll have on the course and make sure it works for you. If not, find a solution, such as carrying your own or using salt tabs.

According to the latest science, the best way to fuel your body through a marathon is to drink enough fluid to keep your thirst consistently under control, and to consume at least 60 grams of carbohydrates per hour. There is more than one way to fulfill these recommendations. The specific way that’s best for you depends on how your body responds to nutrition intake while running.

Preparedness: Stay committed to your goal

No matter how big or small your goal-whether it’s losing 5 or 50 pounds, walking a mile or running your first marathon-making change requires planning and S.M.A.R.T. goal setting.

Specific - target a specific area for improvement.

Measurable - quantify or at least suggest an indicator of progress.

Assignable - specify who will do it.

Realistic - state what results can realistically be achieved, given available resources.

Time-related - specify when the result(s) can be achieved.

Be SMART is an acronym championed by everyone from the University of Virginia to MIT to Fortune 500 companies for how to set actionable goals. Objectives should be Specific, Measurable, Accountable, Realistic and have a Timeframe. Specific goals will keep you accountable. “Lose weight” is too vague. “Lose 15 pounds in six months” gives you much more direction and allows you to have a way to measure your progress.

Be consistentOnce you’ve set your goal, you need to come up with a plan that emphasizes consistent effort. The idea of goal-setting is to challenge yourself each time you set out to work toward your larger goal. Setting up smaller, intermediate check points will help you track your progress and keep you motivated to work out on a regular basis. Remember: slow and steady wins the race. Small wins equate to big results. When people set out to run a marathon, they don’t immediately run 26.2 miles. They increase their mileage every week. Channel that same mentality as you set up a plan that allows you to realistically achieve your goal.

Patience:

Above everything else - nutrition, training programs, sneakers, etc. - being patient is the most important quality to possess. Running is an extremely humbling sport that breaks even the best runners. If you are patient and give yourself time to adjust to a routine and to build on the previous week’s work, then you will be able to accomplish your goals in due time.

Running your first marathon is all about conquering the distance, not beating the clock. It’s a way to establish your marathon fitness, which you can continue to build on and improve in future races.

Perseverance:

As a final word, I’d like to say here that running is not just about fitness and competition; it’s about changing our lives. Most of us run because it makes us feel significant, powerful, and in control, not just because we want to compete. When people who have never had a sense of accomplishment before suddenly gain it, it transforms every aspect of their lives. They become increasingly fearless. People always realize they can do more when they first do something at all. Confidence grows, and with it, so does vision.

I hope this was helpful.Cheers, Steph :)

#me #FAQ #fitblr #Fitblog #marathon #running

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moshymosh · 4 years ago

Text

Remember me: A Night To Remember (2)

Pairings- Dr. Spencer Reid x f!reader.

Here is the board I've been using for inspo here

PS- Please don't post my fics anywhere without my documented consent, thanks -Karma (MoshyMosh)

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Spencer looked at his reflection in the mirror of the fitting room as he adjusted the sleeves of the suit jacket he was trying on, he sighed and stepped out of the small room into the sight of his coworkers.

“Do I look ok?” he asked his friends nervously

“Lose the gray shirt, go for white.” Derek said, looking up from his phone to Spencer. “Garcia just sent me a picture of the tie they got you that matches Y/n’s dress.” Derek said as he passed his phone to Rossi, sitting beside him.

“Yeah, white will look best.” The Italian agent said, looking up from the picture on Derek’s phone. “JJ has your tie, Spencer. She said she will bring it by later today, or in the morning it seems.” he said with a chuckle as he handed Derek his phone back.

“Looks like they're breaking out the wine.” Derek said, chucking at the picture of Penelope holding up two bottles of wine in Y/n’s living room.

“Good Italian wine they're having too.” Rossi remarked, smirking.

Derek looked back up at Spencer, “get the tux but with a white shirt.” he told him.

Spencer turned around to look at his reflection again and nodded his head in acceptance of the suit before he turned and told the employee nearby what he wanted. When the employee went to look for his shirt, Spencer went back inside the fitting room to change back.

Spencer handed the suit he neatly hung back on the hanger to the employee and followed his friends up to the registers to pay for his items. As he let Derek drive him back to his apartment he began to think about Y/n and if she really liked him or only saw him as a friend and coworker. Spencer then wondered if she was having fun with the girls.

“Why are you so quiet pretty boy?” Derek asked as he glanced from the road to Spencer then back to the road.

“Just thinking.” Spencer said looking from the window to Derek.

“About Y/n?” Derek asked softly, looking over to see Spencer nodding his head as he looked out the window again. Derek looked back to the road before he spoke. “Don't overthink your feelings or hers, it won't end well if you do.”

Spencer and Derek sat in silence the rest of the way to Spencer's apartment, once Spencer began to climb out of the car Derek spoke again.

“Keep giving her those gifts, let it come naturally.” Derek said as he watched Spencer grab his tux from the back of the car. Spencer walking into his apartment building, heading for his home as he kept repeating what Derek told him in his mind.

Y/n giggled as she sipped on her wine before she grabbed the box Emily was holding out to her. “What’s this?” she asked in confusion.

“Just open it.” Penelope said as she applied a face mask, looking into Y/n’s makeup mirror she set in Y/n’s coffee table.

Y/n shook her head with a laugh before she set her wine glass down and began to open the lid to the box. She let out a small gasp when she saw the necklace Emily showed her in the shop. “Emily... You didn’t have to do this.”

“Consider it my welcome to the team gift, that is several months overdue.” Emily said as best she could with the drying face mask on her face.

“Thank you, so much.” Y/n said before their laughter was interrupted by Y/n’s buzzer going off. “That must be the food.” Y/n said as she got up to buzz the delivery guy in. Y/n paid and brought their food back to be passed out to the girls. The rest of the night the girls laughed and cried together, just spending some time being friends.

Y/n walked into the bullpen with a groan as she felt the bright lights of the room hit her eyes. She walked over to her desk and plopped down on her chair, dropping her bag from her shoulder to the floor beside the chair.

Y/n spotted the coffee cup in her desk and grinned, looking over to Spencer. “Spencie, you are truly a Godsend.” she said as she saw him walk over to her desk, she stood and gave him a hug causing him to stand stiff.

“Uh, thank you.” Spencer said once she let him go and grabbed the coffee he got for her. She took a sip and sighed happily after.

"What are you guys doing here?" Hotch asked, walking into the bullpen in plain clothes as he looked around at the team that was in the room.

"What do you mean Hotch?" Derek asked him in confusion.

"We have the day off, I'm only here because security called me." Hotch said with a chuckle.

Y/n scoffed and shook her head, her hand reaching up to hold her head. "You're telling me I could've been at home sleeping off the wine headache?" She asked sarcastically as she reached down to pick up her bag. "Though if I did know I wouldn't have gotten my daily dose of Spencer coffee." She said as she grinned at JJ after seeing Spencer scratch the back of his neck in nervousness.

"Guys go home we have a ball tomorrow." Hotch said with a laugh, walking with everyone to the elevator. When they all began to load up in the elevator Y/n and Spencer slid to the back, standing behind everyone Y/n quietly switched the hand she was holding her coffee cup in and hooked her pinkie finger with Spencer's once she freed up her hand.

Y/n looked up at Spencer to see him smile before she leaned her head on his shoulder as they rode like the rest of the way down, only separating when the doors open to the elevator and everyone began to step out.

"Guys, let's have lunch at my place." Rossi said looking at his team. "I'll cook and from my profile of SSA L/n you seem like quite the cook."

Y/n chuckled nervously and shrugged bashfully. "I dabble but I'm down for some famous David Rossi cooking."

"Dabble? Bish please I've seen your kitchen." Penelope said, her arm hooked with Derek's as they stood around in the garage. "You're like a regular old Rachel Ray."

"That settles it. We're doing it. Everyone go home, change into more comfortable clothes and meet at my house after." Rossi called out as he walked to his car, his finger raised as he gestured to the team behind him.

Y/n watched everyone walk to their cars and begin to leave, she watched Spencer begin to walk to the exit of the garage to take public transportation back to his apartment. "Spencer!" Y/n called out to him causing him to stop and turn back around to look at her. "Let me give you a ride?" She asked him, holding her keys up.

"Uh-uh- yeah sure." Spencer said walking back over to him. "You don't have to stop at my apartment, all my clothes are like this."

Y/n smiled and nodded her head in thought. "Ok, it won't take me long to change." Y/n said as she unlocked her car and began to walk around to the driver's side door. "Come on, join me in my trusty steed." Y/n joked with a chuckle as she slid into her seat. Spencer laughed at her joke and slid into her passenger seat.

Y/n started her car and began to pull out of her parking spot then out of the fluorescent-lit garage. She started driving to her apartment, Spencer would steal glances at her as they drove, the soft sounds of Y/n singing to whatever song was on the radio, every time he looked at her a small smile would grace his lips.

"We're almost there, take a picture when you can." Y/n said with a smile, as she turned into her assigned parking space in the parking lot of her apartment complex.

"I have an eidetic memory, I physically can not forget things." Spencer said as he watched as she climbed out of her car.

Y/n laughed and leaned down to look at the man who was still sitting in the passenger seat of her car. "You coming smarty pants?" She stood up straight as she shut her door, moving to lean her hip again the hood as she waited for Spencer to get out. Y/n pressed the lock button on her key fob after he climbed out and began to walk up to her building complex.

Spencer looked around at the complex. "This is a very secure place." He noted when he looked back to watch her scan her keycard to enter into the gate that surrounded the living complexes and courtyard.

Y/n held the gate open for him and nodded as they began to walk to the building her apartment was in. "Yeah, safest one I could find when I moved here." She said softly as unlocked her door and stepped in letting him in behind.

"Why this place?" Spencer asked as he looked around at the organized chaos in her apartment. The chaos he knew from his own living space. Y/n sighed as she set her keys and bag down on the kitchen counter, Spencer looked into the kitchen and noted in his mind what Penelope was saying was true about Y/n's culinary expertise.

"I'll tell you someday." She said gesturing to her living room. "Please make yourself comfortable, I'll just be a minute." Spencer walked further into the living room as he heard her footsteps receding down the hallway to what he assumed was her bedroom.

After she changed and gather her things they were back on the road. heading to Rossi's house for the lunch he offered. The whole team had a great time at the Italian agent's house. Rossi true to his word roped Y/n into cooking with him. The time spent at his house was spent in laughter and fun. Lunch turned into dinner with Y/n being the sole cook this time and soon they were all heading home.

Spencer laid in his bed thinking about what Y/n might look like at the ball. No matter what she wore she would still look beautiful in his eyes. The night faded into the early morning dawn of the day of the ball.

The girls decided to all go to Emily's apartment to get ready for the ball. They did each other's hair and helped with their makeup. Y/n smiled at the girls as they fussed with their dresses. She looked out the window and smiled again at the soled of the setting sun. she looked back down at the mirror in front of the window and continued applying her light red lip stain.

Y/n finished her lipstick and stood, walking over her dressed that was hanging on the back of the door. "JJ help me get into this?" She asked the girl in question who was the first one dressed. She stepped into the dress and pulled it up where it belonged before she turned to let the blonde zip her up. "Girls the guys will be here any minute." She stated as she gathered her stuff.

Right as Y/n said that the doorbell to Emily's apartment buzzed signaling the rest of the team's arrival, causing Penelope and Emily to squeal in surprise. She rolled her eyes and laughed at the pair before she followed her female coworkers to the door to meet the guys downstairs to ride to the venue together.

Spencer stood outside one of the SUVs they were using for the night, watching each one of his coworkers exit the building. Spencer let out a quiet gasp when he saw Y/n, her being the last one to walk out. His eyes raked over her frame taking in every detail, knowing that it will be in his memory forever.

Y/n smiled as she stood in front of him. "Oh, I almost forgot." She said softly before she pulled out a yellow red-tipped rose that she had made into a boutonniere. "I uh- I got this for you." she said shyly as she gestured to the item in her hands.

"Thank you." Spencer said as he stepped closer to her.

"May I?" She asked as she looked up at the agent through her mascara-coated lashes.

"Uh, Yes please." Spencer said, feeling her skirt brush again his legs as she stepped closer to him. His hands instantly went to her hips, not knowing it was to keep her steady or for him to hide the shakiness of his hands. He committed the way the silky tule felt under his fingertips to his memory. Y/n focused on putting the flower in the buttonhole of his suit jacket and pinning it in place.

Spencer looked down at her hands as she straightened the accessory on his jacket. He had to suppress the whine when she stepped away, looking back to her face as it held a small smile directed at him, a blush coating her cheeks.

"Let's go love birds." Derek said with a chuckled as he and their teammates watched them. Soon everyone was loaded into the two SUVs and began driving to the location of the FBI ball.

Y/n and Spencer sat in the back seat of one of the vehicles, Spencer looked over at Y/n and watched the lights of the city flash across her face. Spencer's eyes looked down to his hand that was resting on the seat between them, her pinky finger was hooked onto his pinky and ring fingers. He smiled at the gesture and almost pouted when she pulled away as they arrived at the location.

"Let me get the door." Spencer told her as he got out of the car and rushed around to open her door. He helped her out of the car and smiled at her after he shut the door behind her. Y/n looked around before she linked her arm with his, as they began to walk up the walkway to the entrance.

The evening was spent in fun, dancing, and laughing after the awards were passed out and announcements of changes being made in the bureau were made. Soon the music slowed and Spencer asked Y/n to dance. She looked up and smiled, taking the hand he offered. He lead her to the dance floor and began to dance to the slow tune playing.

"Spencie?" Y/n asked softly, looking up from his shoulder that she was resting her head upon.

"Hmm?" He hummed out as he rested his head against hers.

"Those roses? The ones you gifted me, the coloring means friendships and or falling in love. You obviously knew that you know everything, mister four PhDs." She joked causing Spencer to chuckle and sigh in contentment. "What is your meaning behind them?" She asked softly.

"Well, we're already friends..." Spencer said softly. "Is it bad I meant them to be I am falling in love with you?"

Y/n smiled into his neck before she began to whisper. 'The poems of the privacy of the night, and of men like me. This poem dropping shy and unseen that I always carry. And that all men carry.' Y/n took a breath and pulled back to look at him.

'Love thoughts, love juice, love-odor, love yielding, love-climbers, and the climbing sap.' She continued only stopping when he started speaking.

'Arms and hands of love, lips of love, phallic thumb of love, breasts of love, bellies pressed and glued together with love.' Spencer recited from memory.

'Earth of chase love, life that is only life after love.' She recited along with him. She stopped speaking thinking that they were going to stop, she let out a soft gasp when he continued.

'The body of my love, the body of the woman I love, the body of the man, the body of the earth.' Spencer finished, as he looked into her eyes deeply. "Spontaneous me. Walt Whitman." Spencer said as he smiled softly at her.

He began to lead Y/n to the open doors that lead out to a garden, as the song finished, the garden only held a handful of people that were talking and laughing softly amongst themselves. Y/n leaned against the railing of a small gazebo he brought her to.

"You read the book of poems I gave you." She stated softly with a smile.

"I've read it and re-read it several times." He said shyly, as he rubbed the back of his neck. "And that poem I've deduced is your favorite."

"Why do you think that?" She asked, tilting her head as she looked at him, her arms coming up to rub her bare shoulders.

Spencer watched her before he took off his jacket and put it around her shoulders. "It was the fact the spine was worn and the edges of the pages were worn." He stated as he reached up to rub her arms in an effort to warm her up.

"Hey, love birds." Emily sing-songed, coming up to the pair, slightly tipsy. "Time to go or you'll be riding in a yellow chariot."

Spencer laughed and gestured for Y/n to lead the way, she smiled and began to follow the tipsy Emily to the SUVs. Y/n silently reached back for his hand, he saw this and reached for hers as well, smiling as she used one of her fingers to grip his. Spencer made a mental note to as her why she does this.

Spencer rode with her till she was dropped off at her apartment, even though it was in the opposite direction of his own. He walked her up to her door, making sure that she got home and inside safely before he let the driver take him back to his apartment. He saved the rose she gave him, much like she did with the ones he got her.

They both fell asleep in their beds, each of their thoughts thinking of the other as they drifted off.

#karmawrites #moshymosh's masterlist #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds imagine smut #mgg x reader #criminal minds smut #remember me #moshymosh writes #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid x reader #mgg x y/n #reader insert #Karma's imagines

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