#i'm overjoyed to be free of it. i'm hopeful again! i love myself again! i can fall in love with the world all over again!!!

[typingatlightspeed]

TF2 Fanfic - Dear Mama

The letters Heavy's written to his Mama since the start of 1970, giving her and his sisters some life updates, and responding to theirs. He's come to an important decision.

Ao3 Link! Part of Monstrous Intent!

I've been wanting to do something with Heavy and his family for a little bit, and just kind of his side of everything that's been happening. Because he's generally such a quiet guy sometimes he tends to react to things rather than drive them, and most of the time when I have him drive action it's sex, lol. Wanted to showcase some more of his internality and the poetic way he wields his native language. Giving his family life updates while artfully dancing around the fact that like 60% of his free time is sucking and fucking, lmao. Also: spot the Simpsons joke!

---------

Dear Mama,

I hope you've been well. I'm sorry I haven't gotten a letter to you in a while; it's hard to get mail down off of the frozen mountain where I'd been stationed since the start of the year. You know how it is. Thankfully, we've been reassigned back to the desert, so I'll have easier access to the postal system. So my letters should once again be more frequent.

I've been well, all things considered. The team didn't take as well to ice-rimed mountains as I did, so while it'll take some time for me to adjust to the temperature change, the team's been overjoyed. Especially Scout. He's a very thin man, so his tolerance for cold only goes so far. He's from cooler climates, but even so, the mountains had him nearly rattling apart from shivering! Ludwig, however, was unflappably enthusiastic, as always.

Speaking of Ludwig; his magical training has been progressing swimmingly, and he's developed into quite the nascent mage. It's truly impressive what he can do when he sets his focus on it. His determination is beyond dogged, and his passion boundless. I can't argue with his results!

Which brings me to interesting news: Ludwig has mastered an old spell from seiðr traditions that allows him to harness the jotun blood that runs through my veins, and give me the form of a full jotun, like Papa. When the excitement of discovery and novelty calmed down, however, I found myself struck by how strong my resemblance to Papa was. And though I haven't voiced it to him, it's made me realize how far divorced I am from that side of my ancestry, save for how it's shaped my appearance. I know Papa had a bit of ice and storm magic at his disposal, but also that he didn't use it much. He was far more invested in the movements of the world and the politics of men, I know. So that's something I might try to do some reading on in the near future. If you have any knowledge, Mama, I would love you to share it. I know Papa tried to keep us sheltered from the world of monsters, but like it or not, that world has come to me, and I feel it irresponsible not to explore that side of my own nature.

On a similar, but less somber note, Ludwig gave me a ring last week.

Don't get too excited, Mama. It ended up not being what I'm sure you hoped. I admit, I hoped the same, but I think my dear doctor isn't the type to think of such gestures of his own accord. He's a man of passion, not tradition. It'd be almost frustrating if his obliviousness weren't deeply endearing.

The ring is a magic item, a way to activate that seiðr spell on command should I choose, and he enchanted it himself. It's the culmination of quite a bit of work, and honestly I feel like that in itself is as much a statement of intent as a ring of more traditional meaning. It in itself is a promise.

It's no secret that our lifespans will differ, now. Ludwig, as a garuda, can live forever if he's careful. Scout, as a faun, can do the same. Their lifespans are functionally infinite. Ageless, timeless, and beautiful for eternity. Meanwhile, though I know my life will be longer than a human's, it does have a limit. I think that knowledge has been weighing on Ludwig a bit, and making him dig into my supernatural side as a result. Whether that will yield fruit, who knows? But it warms my heart to know that he desires to be by my side for all of eternity. Whether he realizes it or not (and knowing him so well, I deeply suspect not), that ring was a proposal, phrased in different terms.

I'm sorry, Mama. I'm sure I'm boring you with such fanciful thoughts when I should be keeping you updated on my life. But I suppose my life might have taken a turn for the fanciful.

Ludwig sends his love, and his thanks for a lovely Smissmas together. Scout hopes to meet you all someday sooner than later, but isn't sure when he'll be able to join me for a trip. He has a large, very tightly-knit family, so holiday travel is unlikely to deviate away from his mother's house. I hope to meet her someday. He speaks highly of her, and she sounds like a lovely woman. Certainly, she raised a wonderful son. Something the two of you have in common!

Give my best to Zhanna, Yana, and Bronislava, and let them know I can easily receive mail again. It's been a strange kind of lonely so far this year, unable to write with you all, and I'm eager to read what my dear baby sisters have to say.

All of my love, Misha

*

Dear Mama,

Thank you for your last letter. I hadn't realized just how much variation there was in jotunkind. I'd thought all of us merely hrímþurs, the frost giants, so it is honestly eye-opening to learn of the others descended from the jötunn. I'll have to do more reading on the subject, sometime. I'm sure Ludwig would appreciate learning more as well. Perhaps that wizard he bought his first magic book from might have something.

That said, I hope this letter finds you well. Work's been stable, with a few minor transfers across the region but staying largely in the desert. We've mostly been stationed at one base and then taken transports to satellite bases as the need arises. It's been less hectic than packing up and moving bases entirely constantly, but I won't deny that the times we don't use teleporters between our home base and the satellite bases make for terribly boring mornings. The team's taken to singing on those trains and busses, seeing how long it takes the driver to yell at us.

The train conductor is surprisingly resilient.

We've been helping Scout learn to control his small bit of magic lately, which has been an interesting effort. It's definitely been building teamwork between us, however, and been very good for our cohesion overall. And Scout's been quite happy for the extra attention.

Ludwig's been working on healing magics, and trying to replicate the effects of his specialized medical equipment using magic. To what end I'm not entirely sure, but it stands to reason it'll be helpful should an emergency arise when he doesn't have his equipment ready to hand. He's very clever about never letting himself be completely caught without a way to improvise a Plan B for situations.

That's all I'll say about Ludwig this time. I promise. After Zhanna's scathing letter and Yana and Bronislava mocking me endlessly, I'll spare you all the gooey romantic musings of a smitten old man.

Aside from work, life's been quiet for me. I read that romance novel that Yana sent with her letter, and enjoyed it far more than I expected! I'll be sending it back along with a novel that had a similar description on the back cover, which I found in town recently. I haven't had the time to read it, though, so please, Yana, don't hate me if it isn't very good.

Lastly, I hope you enjoy the small box of shortbread cookies I'm also sending with this! They were baked by our team's Demoman, who sends his best. He takes care of his elderly mother, and when he heard I was sitting down to write my mama a letter, offered to make sure it came with a gift. He wouldn't take no for an answer.

All of my love,

Misha

*

Dear Mama,

I'm glad you enjoyed the cookies! I'll be sure to let Demoman know, and give him your thanks. As always, Ludwig and Scout send their love.

Things have been busy of late. We finally had a nice, week-long furlough, our first of the year and entirely too overdue. I took the opportunity to simply spend time with Ludwig, though I'll admit I've slacked on the research I said I intended to do. Following Yana's next book recommendation, I ended up visiting a local bookstore and walking out with far more novels than I'd intended. I won't lie; I used to look down on books like these, but as the years go by I realize more and more that not every word committed to page needs to be come world-changing insight. Sometimes a story can simply be fun, and that's enough.

Also, I don't need a French-to-Russian dictionary in hand for these books, which is a blessing in itself. I don't miss those long, sleepless nights working on my doctorate! And I like to think this has been helping my reading skills in English, which is its own reward. Scout isn't a particularly strong reader, so I hope to help him practice. As such, I need to improve as well. It's good motivation so that I don't get lazy about language acquisition.

After our furlough, there was a company event. A gala of sorts with all of BLU's various teams, at a rather nice venue with a frankly obscenely expansive bar. They even had cocktails I enjoyed, and you know how rare that is. The news was sprung on us quite abruptly, but thankfully our Spy was able to outfit us with custom suits, thanks to being a shapeshifter who knows an excellent tailor. Ludwig gets clothes made by the same person; they do wonderful work. I've never seen my dove so elegant. The whole team looked very handsome, dressed in such fine clothes. We almost looked like a bunch of gentlemen! Very unlike us, I know. We even managed to not make too much trouble at the event itself, which was a small mercy. (I was on my best behaviour; don't worry, Mama.)

We took a few photos before leaving for the event, so I asked our handler for some copies. I'm including a group shot of all of us, and one with Ludwig, Scout and I.

And before she writes back anything about that photo to me, please tell Bronislava, again, that our Sniper is not single, and to please stop asking me about it. He's dating our Demoman. Don't ask me about that, either. I'm not about to divulge the details of my friends' love lives.

All of my love,

Misha

*

Dear Mama,

Please tell Yana that our Spy is also taken, and to please stop asking me questions about him and his love life.

Also please tell Zhanna that I'm not hogging every handsome man on earth for myself. She's being ridiculous.

That said, I hope this letter finds you well. Thank you for your sweet words about my photos. I've passed on the compliments to Ludwig, Scout, and the rest of the team, who were all very flattered and grateful.

We recently had another week-long furlough, which we ended up spending on-base, mostly for lack of plans. It was nice to be able to relax, though. I read the next book Yana sent, and have sent a few more with this package, as well as a letter for her to discuss the books in-depth. I'll spare you and the whole family our ramblings. I'm glad the trading post there has been sourcing more books for her voracious literary appetite, though. It's been nice to read fiction in Russian again. It's more relaxing than practicing my English, to be sure. I'll be sure to return her books with the next package. I fear this one is already too large.

Scout was away for the week, off with our Sniper and Spy on an outside job in Japan. It sounded very eventful, though in the interim our Demoman, who I think I mentioned is dating our Sniper, was inconsolable most of the time. It was pathetic, yes, but also very sweet. I would like to think I would be in better spirits should Ludwig have to spend a week away, but to say I'm sure would be hubris. After all, we go together, as I like to say.

It turns out that the Japan job was to help Spy's sister with a mess that had ended up on her doorstep thanks to his own past. News of this, among a few other things, has had me thinking. Getting in and out of Russia has always been difficult, which is why I attempt the crossing so rarely. It's only by the grace of the power of Builder's League United that I'm afforded such frequent correspondence with you all. And I can't help but worry that my own larger profile on the scene of mercenary operations might find you all, remote as your hiding place may be. I still worry that your location is less secure than I think. And I worry that if something should happen to me, or to my employment here, what sort of lurch that would leave you four in.

Also, Zhanna has been most vocal on the matter of men. Where are the men? When do I get to meet any men? Why am I not meeting any men now? And so on.

As such, I've decided to begin the process of working toward bringing you all to America in the next few years, where you will be truly safe from the KGB, and able to flourish as you deserve. It's not enough anymore just to try and keep you safe at home. Not when you deserve so much more.

It's with no small amount of guilt that I make this decision. While I have been working hard, and sending you the majority of my money, I feel as though my idleness such as my last furlough is cruel when you all yet live in fear and isolation. I'm here working for you, but in doing so, I have a surprising amount of leisure, like a great predator lounging between hunts, and it worries me that I'm being unduly selfish. After all, I have two beautiful lovers, a team of close friends, food and comfort when I want it, and peace when there isn't bloodshed. We fight a war with no personal stakes by day and play by night, eating and drinking our fill and passing our free time with games and romance, far away from the civilized world, in a place so private that Ludwig can walk about on talons with his wings proudly on display, and Scout can prance on hooves and try his best not to clatter his antlers into the lower doorways. It's our own private, violent Eden in its way, and it feels cruel to enjoy this life when you still hunt bear meat for your meals.

Ludwig's tried to assuage my feelings, to explain that being with him and Scout merely expands my family, and that I shouldn't make myself miserable as some penance, but I find it hard not to hold that guilt within me regardless. Especially when I use his ring to transform and see a bald reflection of Papa staring back at me in the mirror.

You four are the most important thing in the world. Not just my world. The world. And I want to give you that world. I've already requested information from my handler regarding the steps I would need to take in this, as she would likely be the conduit through which all of this happens. The process will be slow, and delicate, but I'm hoping that within two years, you will never have to eat bear again.

Zhanna, no dirty jokes.

I know this is exciting news, and I'm sorry it's on such a long timeline, but I wanted to make you all this promise now, so that you know there is an end in sight—a light at the end of this frozen, lonely tunnel. In the meanwhile, if there's anything you'd like me to send in these packages, please don't hesitate to ask. As it is, I've included some cakes Scout brought back for me from Japan. He says they're called 'manju', and are quite tasty.

All of my love,

Misha

[pokejstor]

Letter found in Canalave City Archives

Letter found in Canalave City Archives.

Part of the Sinnoh Historical Society Digital Database

Professor Amo of Naranja-Uva Academy (posted while studying abroad)

Letter found in the Canalave City archives, presumed to have been brought in in old Jubilife as it mentions the city when it was once a village.

During my studies abroad, I was delighted to find many records of ancient Hisui-including the incident in which a tear in the sky opened up, and dropped some poor soul into the ancient past it would seem. This person seems to have left behind a letter, and I've tried my best to document it though the words seem a bit smudged-I am going off what I've been able to translate-oddly enough instead of the native tongue of the area, the writer seems to be more used to modern Unovan, or something similar? I'll have to investigate this further.

'Dear Professor,

Do not weep for me. I know, I know-the kid suddenly goes missing after going up to mount Coronet for the second time after dealing with some emotional crap-don't worry, I didn't do anything stupid. It overjoys me to say, it's quite the opposite-..I'm going home. 

Which-brings me to the gut-wrenching reason behind this letter. This means-as much as I may want to-for fear of screwing with time and space, I can't bring my team with me-my beloved partners, friends, companions-must remain in Hisui. I've written down instructions-I hope you'll understand and follow them.

- Take King to Unova, if you can. I'm sure he would love to meet other Samurott and perhaps could even settle down, raise a family there-with others of his kind. He may be a variant-but I feel they'll accept him with open arms!

- Let Amor fly free-I feel that the age of Alphas are almost at an end, and I wish for her to feel freedom-perhaps seek out other Togekiss herself! Or-..Well, I have a feeling she'll be looking for one in particular...

- Kyoya? Let him free to reunite with his pride. I'm sure they'll be happy to know their son has returned a hero, and hopefully an inspiration to all other Luxray!

- Vinnie-i hope he'll stay in the village. He was named after a friend of mine, and as a Gengar he-comes pretty close to the real deal, personality and all! I feel he'll be a great watcher and caretaker of children-even if it may take some getting used to.

- I leave Khan to you-Infernape are a fascinating species to work with, and I think you'll enjoy seeing what these wonderful pokemon are capable of-I've heard in my own time they're wonderful companions for trainers just starting out!

- Arial-as a mere Starly she expressed intrest in the market-and I believe now, fully evolved, she may be able to offer her services at last as a delivery pokemon! It could potentially make exporting and importing shipments much easier, and I know you, of all people, might be interested in finding out if this could be useful to the village!

As for myself-I've made peace. I admit I'm going to miss you all-I hope a certain warden will be able to make the journey back home as well, hopefully sooner than later. As for me-Tell Rei I said goodbye, and I wish I could have done it in person. Tell the Commander that I leave my uniform as it should be-folded in my quarters should anyone need it. And-...should a certain merchant ever return-..could you tell him that I wish we meet again somehow? It may seem impossible but-well-I fell out of the frickin' sky, so Arceus knows what's actually impossible at this point. Just-..tell him that I wish things could have ended better. 

..And finally we come to you. You took me in when I needed someone to lean on the most. You stood by me, even when hardly anyone else would-..Thank you, Professor. I know this may be goodbye-I'm not going to 'Sugarcoat it' as they say in my era-..I'm gonna miss you. But I know you-us dreamers gotta stick together! And so I leave you with something an old friend left me with.

If you have a dream? Make it come true. If anyone can, It's you..! Until then? ..Farewell.

Signed,

Your Student'

The date of the letter was too smudged to read-but this seems to be referring to whoever it was the rift spat out into ancient Hisui. Could this person perhaps be walking among us now, returned home as the letter suggested? I'll have to research this further.

[firstdivisiongirl]

Hello! I have liked your latest posts a lot and would like to get a TR matchup if you can, please.

About me:

I'm a cis woman, INTP, demisexual. I am the kind of person that tends to appear as kind of a wall flower at first. In social settings I try to keep to myself and don't really interact unless I'm directly addressed. With strangers I might seem chatty and outgoing, but in reality I just wouldn't know what to do if things got quiet. I have an almost pathological impulse to be helpful and useful, and go the extra mile to not be annoying or depend on others. I always try to not voice an opinion unless I have checked the facts or am certain it's a completelysubjective matter and I'm not in the wrong. I'm the kind of person who gets scolded for saying sorry too much and would say "sorry, I won't do it again". I'm generally anxious in unfamiliar situations because I can't read a room to save my life and don't really get subtext 🤷🏻‍♀️

When I'm comfortable with someone I relax and become my real self instead of that carefully built façade. I get more quiet, self assured and aware of my needs. I get comfortable with silence and I'm less afraid to seem ignorant or confused. I am a kinda stereotypical nerd of great book smarts, awful street smarts.

I have a history of mental health issues and though I am well and more in touch with my emotions than ever, I still get my periods of seasonal depression. I have been accused of being a perfectionist and inflexible, both with others and myself. I am generally pessimistic and have always had a vwry low self esteem, as well as body image issues. Though it hasn't always been the case, now I am overweight. I also suffered bullying for a very long time and it has made me kind of distrusting but also wanting a connection, therefore trusting too quickly and letting people take advantage of me. Often. For this reason (and, as stated above, because I can't really tell genuine interest from general niceness or mockery, people are really confusing and frustrating) I have never had a romantic partner.

My interests are generally geeky or nerdy. I spend most of my free time playing videogames, painting or drawing, and with various arts and crafts, mainly cosplay (I prefer the making part, sewing but especially prop building. I own lots of power tools and higly toxic adhesives and resins lol)

I also like going to a cafe to read, paint or study almost every other day. My favourite genres are sci fi and horror.

My interests are varied buy I tend to hyperfixate on whichever is my current obsession, and delve deep into anything it has to offer, making my own theories which I love to share with anyone who will listen.

The love language I prefere recieving is quality time, and I tend to do gift giving or acts or service.

I usually dress in all black, jeans, boots and a graphic tee almpst every day. I have died hair and an "extreme" haircut (like Draken, but my sides are not totally shaved, just really short). I also wear little to no makeup but several earrings in the shape of claws, chains, several rings, etc. My style has been described as "badass", "scary" or "weird", depending on who you ask.

What I like:

I tend to get overjoyed that anyone would like me so I wil give a chance to almost anyone. I'm not very picky but I gravitate towards men who have a more "clean" look (yk, the kind of people that make you think "this person has to smell good"). Since I like trying out many new things I also prefer someone who will lead me out of my comfort zone but not push me out of it, as well as do the same for me and try things I love.

I am quite independent and low maintenance so I do better with people who don't need to be in constant touch with me, or have no problem with not being in touch for a day even if there is no apparent reason.

Sorry for the loooong ask, I hope you will find the time and inspiration to find me a match!

TYSM for your time 🥰

Hi there. Your ask isn’t too long at all. I think you sound pretty awesome, so love yourself. Whatever people say about you, is just them being feeling like they have to bring others down to feel great. Don’t listen to them. I think I found a great matchup for you. I hope you like your perfect match!

You Got…

Shinichiro Sano!!!

He’d like how low maintenance you are. Sometimes he gets busy with the shop or gang or siblings and having you be okay puts his mind at ease.

Would like your style, especially the little to no makeup. He seems like the guy who hates “fake girl”.

Would tell you every day how much he loves you and thinks you are perfect in every way.

Both of you have almost no experience so you two can learn and grow together!

He’s up for anything!

He’d clean up for you!

I believe that he’d ask to use some of your drawings to use as decals on his bikes.

Would listen to you talk for hours about anything you like!

Would do the talking and let you be you.

Motorcycle ride dates at night and then taking you to watch the sunset and maybe sketch it too.

[call-me-copycat]

Heyyy. This might be out of nowhere but, How are you doing? You havent been posting lately so i was wondering if you were alright :) 🩵

Hi, I was planning on making a post discussing this, but I kept forgetting to until you reminded me ˶˃ᴗ˂˶

First off, I want to thank you for checking up on me, it really does mean a lot to have someone out there care for me (〃´∀`)

When I first started this blog, I had no job (yet) And I had a lot of free time since I hadn't started school again. Since I had so much downtime, I wrote a lot more and I was online a lot.

Now, a lot of time has passed. School is in full swing and I'm trying to secure as many scholarships as I can get, along with looking at different universities to aim towards.

I also have a job where I'm primarily the closer (related to the university thing since I have no college fund or financial aid from anyone in my family).

So basically I'm going to school all day, coming home, then rushing to work and working at night. I've been scheduled a lot more since I'm not a trainee anymore, and so my free time literally only consists of sleeping (˶> <˶)

Also also!

I recently got diagnosed with chronic fatigue, which worsens tremendously in high heat, so that also explains why I'm so tired all the time (those who look at my blog a lot can tell based on the time gaps between my fics and drawings)

That being said, even though I don't post a lot I do check in pretty frequently during the day and whenever I can at work, so it's not like I'm leaving my blog unattended ദി ᷇ᵕ ᷆ )

So for those asking: I am not tired of writing! I am not tired of drawing! I love doing those extremely and I don't think I can see myself not doing them

I am just going to be very slow now, and for that I apologize to those kept waiting.

And for anyone wondering: I do make sure to take care of myself, and I am getting medication and attention to take care of my condition. That's why I'm not online a lot anymore; I'm trying to get a decent amount of sleep so I have energy to keep up for the next day.

I want to thank all of my friends and mutuals who stuck around, I know it's hard to remember someone who's not around all the time, so still seeing so many people tag me in things and message me without hurrying me to answer right away makes me overjoyed to have met such lovely people （⸝⸝> ༥ <⸝⸝)ｵﾈｶﾞｲ♡

TLDR; I'm not gone! I'm still here, and I'm doing fine ʕ ◦`꒳´◦ʔ Just really busy with an uneven schedule

I know I don't post or talk a lot, but I still sit in the shadows; I see posts my mutuals share, I look through people's answers in tag chains, I read all the notes on my posts, etc!

Once more, I apologize for not being around so much! I don't blame anyone for leaving onto other things, but I'm not leaving anytime soon!

Thank you for your ask! I really needed the reminder to make this post ₍ᐢ‥ᐢ₎ ♡

I hope you and everyone here has a lovely day! ꜀(^. .^꜀ )꜆੭

*And no, this is not an April Fools - Just bad timing*

[leeyanyanyaaan]

-archival-

scenario | crime fighting au | police x criminal | hero × villain au (technically could be)

Female!Outlaw (A) x Male!Law Enforcer (B)

(feel free to change the genders!)

- A has gone through a betrayal arc with the people she works with so she decided to take revenge

- B had a lover that passed away that A reminds him of, which is why he's always on her case, inside his heart hoping that she's actually a good person, although projecting the image of his past lover onto her, which is unhealthy

- At some point A has actually fallen for B, but knowing about how he only sees her as his past lover, she refuses to let him into her heart

- So back to the storyline, she's taken revenge and is watching everything burn down. B manages to find her

- "There were other ways to bring justice to those guys, you know?"

- "Hah, what did you think I could do? Call the police? And get myself caught in the process? Besides, I couldn't care less about justice, so for the last time stop lecturing me. I'm not a good person like you want me to be."

- B was about to protest, but decided to hold his tongue. It wasn't going to go anywhere; it never does. He changed the topic instead. "...still, this isn't like you... to take reckless decisions. You're usually more careful aren't you?"

- A scoffed. 'Well it's not like I have anything to lose.' she glances over at B '....Almost anything.' Again, she knew he'd just lecture her about the worth of living, so she decided to mess with him instead.

- "Heh, what if I did it to grab your attention? Steal your heart?" She snorted, cringing at her cheesiness.

- However, to her surprise, B silently approached her. He gripped her wrist, turning her around to face him, and put a hand on her cheek. The deep blush spreading across her face betrayed her bewilderness.

- "And what if you already did?"

- A's heart skipped a beat. But she shook her head, as if to not let it get to her. 'Remember, he's only saying that because he sees his past lover in you. He doesn't actually like you back. I was joking anyways ahaha...'

- When she felt B's hand wipe her cheek gently, only then did she realize that she was crying.

- 'Stupid fucking feelings...'

- "You've learned a long time ago about my past lover, haven't you? I know what you're thinking. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see my lover in you at first... but soon I've come to realize that you and her are two different people. Completely different. But even after realizing that... my feelings for you didn't die out. I started falling in love with you for you. For little things such as your witty little comebacks, the sound of your laughs, the rare sight of your genuine smile. I've fallen hard, you've completely captured my heart... It's also why I truly believe you're a good person at heart. You've shown that you have empathy for other people, I've seen how you... you don't want to be doing all the crimes you're committing, but you have no choice. You were in debt to those guys weren't you? You had to do it to survive. So stop convincing yourself that you're a bad guy, that you're not someone worth saving! Those who've been holding you on leash and collar, they're no more, so you don't have to continue this lifestyle anymore. You can still turn a new leaf, if you make up for the things you've done, and the weight will finally be lifted off your shoulder. So please..."

- A stepped away from him, sobbing silently as her tears refused to stop. B smiled gently at the sight. Never has he seen her so vulnerable, and the fact that she's no longer hiding from him... does it mean that she's finally opened her heart to him?

- He slowly approached her, warily putting his arms around her, not sure if she'd welcome the gesture. A let herself into his arms, fully embracing the sense of security she hadn't experienced before.

- Is it okay to love now?

End.

Epilogue!AU

- After some time and circumstances A finally gets a clean slate. B is overjoyed but they don't get together right away because A needs more time duh lol. B IS WILLING TO WAIT HOWEVER LONG IT WILL TAKE IM AJSBSKSBKSNS HE REALLY WILL

- Gentlemanly and cheesy, he's always lowkey flirting with her but always being a gentleman with her. IT DRIVES A'S HEART CRAZY AND ANNOYS HER AT THE SAME TIME. Bro she's really playing hard to get but B is just as persistent LOL

- WHEN THE TIME COMES WHERE SHE WILL ACTUALLY ACCEPT HIM TO BE LOVERS HE WILL BE SO HAPPY I THINK HE'D CRY TEARS OF JOY AND THANK HER PROFUSELY AJBSMSSSHBDMS

- Pretty much the same predating era only this time he has the ✨dating privelleges✨ now... sort of

- To A's surprised he's never made any physical advances with her apart from holding her hand. She realizes that he's being cautious about her comfort. While she does find that sweet it's also bothering her. So what does she do? TAKE MATTERS INTO HER OWN HANDS

- After a simple park date B walks her home as usual, but before he leaves, A tells him to wait. He turns around and suddenly the girl has her hands on his cheeks and initiates their first kiss YES GO GIRL

- IT HAPPENED ALL IN A SPLIT SECOND. By the time B came to his senses, the door was slammed shut with A nowhere to be seen. He did, however, catch a glimpse of her very red face ahehe

- BUT THEN THE REALIZATION THAT THEY ACTUALLY KISSED CRASHES DOWN ON HIM AND NOW HES A BLUSHING MESS. He walks home with a stupid grin on his face LOL

- BECAUSE A CERTAIN FRIEND OF MINE CALLED HIM A MALEWIFE I CANT UNSEE IT ANYMORE AKSBKSSNMS A cant cook or do any housechores to save her life so all of that is B's thing. He lives alone so he's an expert at it 👌✨ Cooks hella good too get you a man like that LOL

- Now that I think about it I think A appreciates Acts of Service the most, but secretly loves Physical Touch. B is someone who gives Words of Affirmation and does Acts of Service, but enjoys Quality Time the most

- ngl their differences in mindset, esp A's stubborness and difficulty to trust, leads to small quarrels initiated by her mostly. B always apologizes first but A would eventually apologize as well.

a/n: gosh i have so many stuff that ive written but theyre all over the place (notes, docs and my one oc channel in a server w my friends :"D) that i have to find them all OTL for now these ones are from my notes

[leossmoonn]

Regret || Part Two

masterlist | part one 

pairing - stefan salvatore x fem,forbes!reader

type - fluff, angst

note / request - “hi i'm not sure if your requests are still open but could you do a part two to 'regret' where someone gave Y/N vamp blood so she survives and runs away from mystic falls and only damon knows about it. And in present time Stefan turned it off so Damon calls Y/N for help and she's an icy cold bitch now, but agrees to help Damon. then Stefan and Y/N reunite again” ok so i hope i did the math right with caroline and the reader lol. i said Caroline would be her great niece? if any of yall happen to be interested in how they’re related and think i’m wrong, feel free to let me know! also this is like all over the place oops

summary - you and stefan reunite after 164 years when you help him turn his humanity back on

warnings / includes - language, alcohol, fighting, steamy make out scene, blood sharing. ik part one was 2nd person but i wanted to make this 1st person point of view lol

————

*gif isn’t mine* (baby stef awe)

“Stay still and quiet,” I demanded, grabbing the innocent boy’s neck and digging my fangs into his carotid. I drank his blood with no remorse, sucking him dry. I moaned at the taste, letting go of him and letting him fall to the ground. I smiled sinisterly and walked over the boy’s dead body, strutting out of the dark alley. 

I wiped the blood off of my lips, sucking it off on my fingers. I looked around me, making sure no one was near. It was 3 in the morning, but you could never be too sure in the city that never sleeps. I walked down the street, taking my time to walk to my apartment. As I strolled down the street, my phone vibrated in my back pocket. I pulled it out and smiled as I saw Damon Salvatore’s caller ID. 

“Hello,” I answered cheerily. “Hey, Y/n,” Damon whispered into the phone.

“Why are you whispering? Did one of the many people you’ve fucked with finally find you?” I smirked. 

“Ha-ha, funny. No, I just don’t have a lot of time right now and I need to make this quick,” he explained. 

“Hm, aright. What’s up?” I asked. 

“I need your help. Stefan has turned off his humanity and no one has been able to turn it back on,” he explained. 

I stopped in my tracks at the mention of Stefan’s name. If my heart was alive, it would have stopped and I would surely have dropped dead. Instead, a pang of sadness and nostalgia filled my chest. 

“S-Stefan?” I spoke up. His name sounded weird in my voice and it felt weird saying it. I hadn’t said it in 50 years. 

“Yep, that’s his name. Don’t wear it out,” Damon remarked. 

I gulped loudly and regained my composure, continuing to walk to my apartment. “Why do you need my help? What about Katherine? I’m sure she would be happy to help.”

“Katherine’s dead,” he sighed. My eyes widened, “What?! That girl is like a cockroach. There is no way she’s dead.” “Nope, trust me. She’s dead. Stefan killed her,” Damon explained. 

Hearing that Stefan was the one to kill her lifted up my mood. I felt overjoyed, actually. 

“Wow,” I breathed out, smiling as I thought about how it all went down. 

“Yeah, I know. Finally she’s out of our lives. Anyways, we need your help because no one here can make him turn his humanity back on. We think you can.”

“Oh, yeah? And how? We haven’t seen each other in 100-plus years, Damon. He probably won’t even recognize me,” I scoffed. 

“He will. He’s in love with you, Y/n,” Damon said. 

Now this I could just not believe. 

“Funny trick, Damon. If you want me to come and help, you’re gonna have to try harder than that,” I laughed. 

“Y/n, I’m serious. He loves you and has ever since he met you,” Damon pressed. 

I shook my head. It seemed too good to be true. I just couldn’t bring myself to actually believe it. All the memories of us in 1863 through 1864 resurfaced after 100 years of trying to forget. Regret, guilt, anger, sadness, pain, happiness all surged through me as once, now making me snappy. 

“I beg to differ, Damon. Stefan was in love with Katherine. He obviously isn’t anymore since he killed her, but all that time I was in love with him and he chose her over me countless times. And now I’m supposed to just believe he has been in love with me all this time? Bullshit!” I exclaimed. 

Damon sighed frustratedly. “Look, you don’t have to believe me, but it’s the truth. Also, don’t you know that Katherine compelled us to love her? She also compelled Stefan to drink her blood. That’s why he’s still alive after being shot. Katherine is to blame, not Stefan.”

“Oh, please. The way he looked at her was not because of compulsion,” I laughed sourly. 

“Maybe in the beginning he loved her, but trust me when I say all that love for her went away whenever he saw you. You don’t know how many times Katherine had to compel him. And I know you’re still in love with him, despite thinking you’re a hard ass and whatnot, so please come to Mystic Falls and help. After you’re done, you can just leave. We won’t keep you here for any longer than we need,” Damon begged. 

I pursed my lips. The thoughts of Stefan being compelled to love Katherine wasn’t that far-fetched. She was manipulative and incredibly crazy. And all those times where you and Stefan were close to kissing, when you saw the love in his eyes… 

Maybe Damon’s right. I mean, he was definitely right about me still being in love with Stefan. A love like that never goes away. Not even in a 100 years. 

It wouldn’t kill me to see Damon again and catch up. I hadn’t seen him in over a decade and honestly, I had missed him. We had built a friendship ever since he saved me from dying all those years ago. I could also meet his friends and girlfriend, who he talked so highly about. And there was Stefan. Once I got him to turn it back on, which hopefully I am able to, then maybe we could also catch up. Maybe we two could even try to date. If he even wanted to. 

“Y/n? Are you there? I need an answer,” Damon’s voice broke me out of my daze. 

“Y-Yeah. I’ll… I’ll come to help,” I answered. 

“Good. I was worried you wouldn’t agree. I know how much you’ve changed,” Damon chuckled. 

I laughed with him. “Well, sometimes people can surprise you.”

“Yeah. Anyways, I gotta go. How fast can you be here?” Damon asked. 

“I can be there in 4 hours,” I said. “Great. See you then,” Damon said. 

“See you,” I said and hung up the call. 

I let out a long sigh, going on my phone and to Damon’s and I’s text receipts. I went to the photo receipts and scrolled down until I got to the photo of Stefan. 

A few months ago, out of plain curiosity, I had asked Damon for a picture of Stefan. I hadn’t seen him in 164 years and I wanted to see how he looked. I refrained myself from asking questions about his personal life, knowing that I probably wouldn’t get the answers I wanted. 

The picture was one that one of his friends, who happened to be my great grand niece, took. Stefan was in his football gear. His jersey was a rusty red colour and had the number 17 on it. He was carrying his helmet, his head tilted upwards as it looked like he just got done playing. His hair was a little disheveled, probably from wearing the helmet. He looked just as handsome as I had remembered. Nothing had changed about him. Well, his hair did, but I didn’t mind. I liked how he had combed it upwards and cut it short on the sides. He looked hot, to say the least.

I stared at the photo for a few more minutes before turning off my phone. If I wanted to get to Virginia in time, I would have to leave now. With being a vampire, I could use my vamp speed to get across the world quicker than a car, but I still needed rest times and to pace myself, too. 

I hurried up to my apartment and packed a backpack full of clothes for up to 3 days worth. If I ended up staying longer, I could just go and buy more clothes. (Or steal some). I packed some toiletries, changed out of my heels and into sneakers, and made my way out. I locked my apartment door, running down the stairwell and using my vampire speed to go to Mystic Falls. 

I arrived a little later than I had planned, but it was still early. Once I made it into Mystic Falls, I immediately made my way over to the Salvatore Boarding House. I walked up to the door, taking out my phone and checking myself out in the camera. If Stefan answered the door, I wanted to make sure he thought I looked good, and that he knew who I was. I hadn’t changed much appearance wise, but the way I dressed and the cold look in my eyes definitely changed. Once I felt satisfied with how I looked, I knocked on the door. 

I waited for a few moments before the door opened. My eyes bulged out of its sockets. 

“Katherine!” I shrieked. 

Katherine’s eyes widened. “I-I’m not Katherine. I’m-”

“You are so low. Thinking you can come here and manipulate Stefan and Damon even more by straightening and using your compulsion to make them forget you - which by the way, I don’t even know how you could do. I thought you were dead! Guess I’ll just have to kill you myself,” I growled, letting my fangs show. I went to run into the house, but the barrier blocked me. I put my hand up, trying to break through, but not getting successful. 

“Dammit. Guess I’ll just call Damon to let me in,” I rolled my eyes. 

“That won’t work, Y/n!” Damon’s voice sounded behind Katherine. 

“Why not? I thought you owned the house? And what are you doing letting this piece of trash live with you? You told me she was dead,” I gestured to Katherine. 

Damon sighed and looked to Katherine, giving her an apologetic look. He then looked to me. 

“I’m sorry for not telling you, I just thought that it would be better you met in person. I didn’t expect you to act like this, though,” Damon said. He then went next to Katherine. 

“Elena, this is Y/n Forbes. Y/n, this is Elena Gilbert. Katherine’s doppelgänger,” Damon gestured between the two of us. 

“Doppelgänger!” “Forbes!” Elena and I exclaimed the the same time. 

“No, no, no. Doppelgängers… They don’t exist. This… This has to be Katherine,” I scoffed. 

“I promise I’m not Katherine. I hate her, too,” Elena spoke. 

I narrowed my eyes at her, looking her up and down for a few second. “Hm… How can I trust you?”

“Because she’s my girlfriend, a vampire, and the only way you’re getting into this house if you be nice because she’s the one who owns it,” Damon explained, intertwining his fingers with Elena’s. 

I sighed, “Fine. Sorry. It’s nice to meet you, Elena.”

Elena gave me a kind smile. “You, too, Y/n. Go ahead and come in.”

I smiled back at her, taking a step and successfully entering the house. I walked into the foyer, looking around. 

“Wow, this place hasn’t changed. Besides the big flatscreen,” I chuckled. 

“Yeah, well, we weren’t gonna watch movies on a little box,” Damon said. 

“So, um… Forbes?” Elena asked.

I turned to her. “Yep. Has Stefan told you about me?”

“Yeah, he has, but um, I actually have a friend whose last name is Forbes,” Elena explained. 

“Oh, Caroline?” I guessed. “Yeah! How did you know?” Elena asked. 

“I keep up with the family. She’s my great grand niece, I believe,” I said.

“Wow, that’s really cool. You know, she’d be really happy to meet you.”

“I’m actually looking forward to meeting her, too,” I spoke honestly. “Speaking of meeting people, where’s Stefan.” “I was hoping you saw him on your way in,” Damon said. 

“Nope. Then again, I wasn’t really focused on scouring the town. I thought he’d be here,” I shrugged. 

“Ugh, great,” Damon muttered. “Hey, it’s okay. Why don’t we get you introduced to everybody. Eight heads is always better than three,” Elena chuckled. 

I watched as she leaned into Damon, putting her hand on his chest to calm him. I smirked at this. 

“Sounds good. But first, I’d like to get some food, please. And I mean real human food,” I said. 

“No problem! There’s a restaurant called The Grill we can all meet up at. Let me ask everyone if they’re free,” Elena said, stepping out of Damon’s embrace and walking away. 

I sauntered over to Damon. He frowned once he noticed the look on my face. 

“What now?” He asked. 

“You seem pretty smitten,” I commented. “Yeah, well, Elena’s great,” Damon shrugged. 

“So she seems. She’s very different than Katherine.”

“Yeah, that’s what makes her so great. I’m so in love with her,” Damon sighed dreamily, staring at Elena as she was talking to someone on the phone. Elena turned to us and gave Damon a smile before turning back to her conversation. 

“You definitely have a type,” I chuckled. “And you’ve been in love with the same guy for almost two centuries,” Damon said. 

I gave him a sarcastic smile. “Yeah, well, at least Stefan isn’t a descendant of a bitch.”

Damon opened his mouth to speak again, but Elena interrupted us. 

“Alright! Ready to go?” 

“Yep,” I smiled, turning on my heel. 

We drove in Elena’s SUV to The Grill. 

“This is quaint,” I remarked as we walked into the restaurant. 

“It has really good food, don’t worry. My friends are sitting over there.” Elena pointed to a big booth that was filled with four people. 

I followed her and Damon to the table. 

“Hey, guys!” Elena exclaimed. 

“Hey!” A boy with brunette hair smiled and stood up to hug her. 

“Woah, who’s this?” A rather attractive, darker-haired boy asked, looking me up and down. 

“I’m Y/n Forbes. Who are you?” I smirked, sitting down at the table.

As soon as I said my last name, they were shouting questions. 

“Forbes? As in like, Caroline?”

“Are you Caroline’s sister? Caroline! You have a hot sister!”

“I don’t have a sister, you idiot!” “How do you know Elena and Damon?”

“Are you single?”

“You’re a vampire! Caroline, she’s, like, your great aunt! Emily told me about her.”

I smiled at the green-eyed girl who came to the conclusion. “Correct. Bonnie, right?”

“U-Uh, yeah. How did you know?” Bonnie asked. 

“Because I was alive when she was alive. I was born in 1847 and turned into a vampire in 1864,” I explained. 

“You were friends with Damon and Stefan?” Caroline asked. 

“More or less. I had an arranged marriage to Stefan, but Katherine ‘The Psycho’ Pierce got to him first. Not like he loved me anyways,” I muttered. 

“Wait! You’re Y/n? Like Stefan’s Y/n?” The boy who hugged Elena asked. 

My eyes widened, heat crawling up my cheeks. “W-What do you mean, Stefan’s Y/n?”

“Stefan used to talk about you all the time before he turned his humanity off. Even when he was with Elena,” the boy chuckled. 

I raised my brows and turned to Elena. “You dated them both? Man, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“Shut it,” Damon snapped. I smirked and turned back to the group. “So… Stefan does love me?”

“He’s crazy about you,” Bonnie nodded. 

“Oh,” I smiled softly. “Good to, uh… Good to know it.” “See, I wasn’t lying when I told you,” Damon nudged me. “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” I rolled eyes. 

“Wait, wait. So… you’re my great aunt?” Caroline asked. 

“Yes, I am. Nice to meet you, Caroline,” I smiled at her. “Wow… Wow! I-I… This is so cool. I, I-I don’t know what to say,” Caroline stammered. 

“Tell me something, how was sleeping with Klaus Mikaelson?” I asked. 

Everyone around us either started laughing or their eyes bulged out of their head. For Caroline, her face went all red and the latter. 

“H-How do you know about that?” She asked. 

“Bex and I are buddies,” I shrugged. “Oh,” Caroline blushed. 

“We can talk about it over lunch sometime. When we catch up.”

Caroline’s face broke into a small smile. “Yeah, I’d actually like that.”

“Good. So uh, who is this?” I pointed to the blonde boy and brunette boy. 

“Oh, I’m Matt and this is Jeremy,” the blonde introduced himself. 

“Oh, my God! You’re Matt? Bex talks very highly of you,” I winked. 

Matt blushed and looked down. “T-Thanks.”

“Mhm. Anyways, it’s nice to meet you all. Damon has told me absolutely nothing about you,” I said. 

“Yeah, he’s never mentioned you. We all thought you were dead,” Tyler said. 

“Yeah, well, that’s because my dear brother never knew she was alive. Only I did,” Damon explained. 

“Why didn’t you tell him?” Elena asked.

“Well, I thought that Stefan would end up with Katherine, and I couldn’t stand to see that. It was already so painful watching him in 1864 with her. I couldn’t do it for 100 plus years. I guess she left him once he got shot, though,” I explained. 

“Oh, I see. So, you like him, too?” Jeremy asked. 

“Well, of course! Who couldn’t I mean, I can’t blame you for falling in love with him,” I smirked at Elena.

“Yeah, he’s a great guy,” she admitted. 

“Mhm. Anyways, yeah, I like him. I’ve been in love with him for the last 164 years.” “Wow, long time,” Tyler chuckled. 

“Well, when it’s the right person, love lasts forever,” I smiled. “Speaking of Stefan, do any of you know where he is?”

“Nope,” Bonnie sighed. “Hm. Why did he turn off his humanity, again?” I asked. 

“That might have been our bad,” Damon sighed, pulling Elena close to him. 

“Oh, my- Seriously?” I scoffed. “Not our fault Hero Hair can’t handle rejection,” Damon rolled his eyes. 

“Damon, be nice,” Elena slapped his chest. 

“Elena, he doesn’t have one ounce of nice in him,” I frowned. 

“I’m starting to really like her,” Bonnie smiled. I gave her a playful wink, looking back at Damon. 

“You were a lot nicer in 1864. Maybe you’d want to gain some of that kindness back for Stefan, huh?” Damon suggested. 

“Well, maybe if you left me to die then I wouldn’t be here wasting my time, trying to help you out!” I crossed my arms. 

“We all know you would do anything for Stefan. I know your attitude has changed, but you’re still that little, quiet farm girl who didn’t have the guts to tell Stefan how you really felt!” Damon exclaimed. 

“Oh, yeah?” I scoffed. I moved closer to him, looking up at him straight in the eyes. “Well, you’re still that pathetic, lonely guy with mommy and daddy issues who ruins everything for everyone because you just can’t stand to see anyone happy.”

“You wanna see how pathetic I am?” Damon asked. Veins began to circulate under his eyes. 

“Oh, I’d love to. I’d show you how little and quiet I am now,” I challenged, hissing at him. I let my fangs come out, lunging towards him. I wrapped my hands around his neck and used my vamp speed to ram him into the wall. 

“Careful, Forbes. There are people watching,” Damon taunted. 

“Yeah, I bet they’ll enjoy when I kill you,” I grinned.  “You don’t have a stake, smart ass,” he chuckled. 

“Oh, I know. But I can still do this,” I put my hands around his jaw and started to twist when Damon took ahold of me and sped me out of the restaurant, throwing me against a lamp post. 

I groaned in pain, but recovered quickly. “Good move. Afraid your girlfriend will see you get ripped to shreds?”

“More like afraid of Caroline seeing you die right before her eyes,” Damon shot back. 

I gave him a sarcastic smile and looked to my left, seeing a tree. I sped to it and broke off a branch, running towards Damon. I aimed the stake right for his heart, but I ended up running right past him. I stopped, feeling a pair of strong, warm arms around me. 

“Damon! Let me go so I can kill you!” I fought against him. 

“I’m not Damon, sweetheart.”

I froze immediately, my mouth agape. I looked up slowly, my whole body giving out as I stared into Stefan’s eyes. The same forest-green eyes I never thought I would ever see again. He had a big grin on his face, his pearly white teeth blinding my eyes.

“S-Stefan?” I asked, my voice giving out due to the wonder and excitement I was currently feeling.

“Hey, Y/n,” he greeted.

As soon as he said my name, my legs gave out from under me. Stefan quickly put his hands on my waist, holding me up. It seemed as though the whole zoo was swarming in my stomach as he gripped the sides of my body. 

“Careful there. You might fall and break an ankle,” he chuckled. 

“Yeah, well, I’m a vampire. I think I’ll survive,” I joked back. My put my hands on his shoulders, taking a step back so I could look at him. 

He was wearing a black, leather jacket, a red shirt, and dark-wash jeans. He looked so much more grown up with this outfit, but still had that boyish charm. 

“I know. I was quite surprised when I had to figure that out. All on my own!” Stefan exclaimed the last few words, looking behind me. 

I turned around and saw Damon walking towards us, rolling his eyes in his dramatic-Damon way. 

“Sorry, brother. It was her who wanted to kept a secret,” Damon pointed to me. 

I glared at him and Stefan scoffed. 

“Why?” Stefan asked.

“I…I just didn’t want to see you with Katherine. But it looks like I never had to worry about that,” I chuckled, looking down in embarrassment. 

“Yeah, my love for her was all compulsion,” Stefan said.  “So I’ve heard. Damon told me,” I smiled. 

“So, you wanna get outta here?” Stefan asked, a mischievous grin on his lips. 

I opened my mouth to answer, but Stefan picked me up bridal style and ran off. I shrieked in surprise as we stopped suddenly in the woods. 

“Stefan!” I exclaimed. “What the hell!” “I thought you’d want to be alone, so we could do this,” he muttered before putting his lips against mine. 

My eyes fluttered closed in an instant. “Oh, Stefan,” I moaned. I had been waiting all my life to kiss him and it was finally happening. It was perfect. 

His lips were so soft and worked expertly against mine. Stefan backed me up into a tree, his hands gripping my waist. His fingers slid under my shirt, goosebumps arising from his touch. I pushed my body flush against his, my hands raking themselves through his hair roughly, tugging once his tongue slipped into my mouth. I let out a few pants before beginning to fight my tongue with his. My tongue explored his mouth, tasting bourbon. Stefan’s right hand skimmed up my side, his fingers running under my bra. His left hand went to my ass, gripping it suddenly. 

“Ah!” I gasped, throwing my head back against the tree. 

“God, I’ve missed you,” Stefan mumbled, pressing his lips to my cheek and trailing down. 

“S-Stef,” I panted, peering down to see him kissing my neck. I whimpered as he  sucked on the sweet spot across from my ear lobe. I pressed my chest up against him impossibly closer. 

His left hand went down to my thigh, lifting me up swiftly. I wrapped my legs around his waist, feeling his bludge right against my core. 

“Hm, Stefan,” I mumbled, my eyes closing as he peppered kisses down to the top of my breasts. “You’re uh, you’re less shy than I remember,” I chuckled. 

“Yeah well, living 164 years in pain and guilt changes you. Having my humanity turned off helps me be more outgoing, too,” he looked up and winked at me. 

His humanity was still off. Shit. 

“Stefan,” I said, lifting my head up and putting my hands on his shoulder. “Stefan, stop,” I ordered, pushing his head away from my body. 

He looked up at me, confused. “What? I thought you would want this after all these years?”

I chuckled, “I do. I really do, but not yet. We have to get your humanity turned back on.”

Stefan frowned immediately, dropping me with no warning. My back rubbed against the tree roughly, making me hiss in pain. I landed on my feet and looked at Stefan with a glare. 

“What the hell?!” “No! You don’t get to say that. I thought you came back for me!” Stefan exclaimed. 

“I did! I came back to help you,” I explained. 

“I don’t need help your help, Y/n. I’ve been away from you for 164 years. I’ve survived just fine,” he spat. 

“Oh, really? ‘Cause to me it seems like when things get too hard, you just give up. That’s not the Stefan I know. You’re strong. You fight. You’re sensible and not impulsive!”

“You don’t know me, Y/n. That’s not me anymore.”

“Not with your humanity turned off!”

“Yeah, well what about you? You’re randomly fighting Damon, strutting into places like you own them, feeding on whoever you want? Yeah, I’ve noticed that, by the way. You’re supposed to the kind, calm, polite girl,” Stefan shot back. 

“Well almost dying and having the love of my life love another woman changes you!” I yelled. 

“I didn’t love her! I have always loved you!”  “It didn’t seem like that back then! You never even gave us a chance, even before Katherine! Do you realise how much it hurt me? Seeing you running with Katherine in the fields, kissing her, holding her?” I asked, tears beginning to cloud my vision. 

“I’m not with her anymore! I haven’t been ever since 1864. We can live life together now. I only want you. I’ve only wanted you since I met you,” Stefan said softly, stepping towards me and holding my hands into his.  “I want you, too, Stefan. But not like this. I know it’s been hard with you. I know that you’re a ripper, I know that you’ve suffered so many loses in life. I know how much you try to be a good person. But you can’t do that with your humanity off,” I said, looking him directly in the eyes. 

“I don’t want to feel again! I’m fine with being like this. If you really loved me and wanted me, then you’d accept my decision,” he glared at me. 

“Hey, that’s not fair! I just want you to live a happy, normal vampire life. I don’t want you to have to give up, because that’s not who you are, Stefan. I may not know exactly who you are now, and I apologise for that because I made that decision to not seek you out, but I do know that you still have those amazing, kind-hearted, compassionate qualities that make you into beautiful man that I fell in love with all those years ago. I would love to spend the rest of eternity with you. I would love to catch up with you and learn how you have changed over the last century and a half. But I want to do that when you can actually feel,” I spoke, tears rolling down my face. 

“I can feel!” Stefan protested. 

I sighed, putting my hand on his chest, right where his heart was. I looked him in the eyes, getting lost in his green irises. “Do you feel anything when I say I love you? Stefan, I am so madly, deeply in love with you.”

I searched for any sign of compassion in his eyes, but I saw none. 

“See? You think you feel, but you really don’t. I can help y-”

“No. You obviously don’t truly love me if you can’t tell how happy I am with no humanity. It was a mistake saving you from Damon,” Stefan muttered. In a blink, he disappeared. I watched as he sped away from me, leaving me cold and lonely.

“Stefan!” I shouted, my voice cracking.

“Well, looks like bringing you all the way out here was a bust,” Damon’s voice sounded behind me. 

I balled my hands into fists and turned on my heel to him, stomping up to him. 

“Do you know how hard that was?” I asked. 

“Oh yeah, making out with him against a tree was a hard, I’m sure,” he rolled his eyes. 

“No! Being the reason why he won’t change is hard, Damon. This was the first time I’ve seen him in 164 years. I poured my heart out to him, just for him to leave me. Do you know how hard that is? D-Do you understand how much pain and anger I feel right now? I…I feel like this is 1864 all over again,” I started to sob. 

Elena and Caroline ran over to me, pulling me into their embrace. I put my head on Caroline’s shoulders, crying into her cardigan. 

Damon sighed loudly. “Okay, fine. I’m sorry. I do know how hard it is. I spent four years pining for Elena. It was hard seeing her with Stefan. But I know that you can turn his humanity back on.”

“And how? ‘Cause what I just didn’t didn’t seem to work,” I sniffled. 

“Well, we might have to kill you,” Damon answered.

Caroline pulled away from me and turned to Damon. “What! No, you are not killing her. I just met her, she’s my relative!”

“Yeah, Damon. That might make Stefan want to keep his humanity on even more,” Elena frowned. 

“I know, I know! I didn’t mean actually kill Y/n. I just meant that we get Stefan drunk so he’s delirious and angry, one of us - preferably me - sticks a stake in her heart, but she won’t die because Jeremy is going to give Y/n his ring,” Damon smiled. 

I furrowed my brows. “A ring? What’s a ring gonna do?”

“Oh, it’s the Gilbert family ring. It protects you from dying,” Elena explained. 

“Ah, I see. Very cool,” I chuckled. 

“Yeah, it is,” she smiled. 

“Alright, well, before you stake me, I’m gonna need to get drunk, too,” I said. 

“Already one step ahead of ya,” Damon grinned, pulling a bottle of bourbon out from his jacket. 

“Do you always carry that around?” I chuckled, walking up to him. 

“Sometimes,” he shrugged. 

“Good to know. Now, let’s get this plan into motion,” I said, snatching the bottle from Damon’s hand. 

————

I paced around Damon’s room, listening in on Jeremy and Tyler’s conversation with Stefan downstairs. The boys were in charge of getting Stefan drunk, which so far, sounded like they were succeeding. Then when Damon walked into the room, I would flirt with him - gross - and Elena would walk in and start a big fight. Then Jeremy and Tyler would lead Stefan up here to see the fight and when Stefan comes into the room, Elena then stakes me. It was a pretty good plan, honestly.

“Alright, he’s pretty drunk,” Damon muttered, walking into the room. “Ready?”

“I was born ready,” I nodded. 

I took a deep breath and put on a flirtatious smile. “You know, Damon, I can’t blame Katherine or Elena. You Salvatore boys are quite the pair.” “What do you mean, Y/n?” Damon asked, acting totally clueless. 

“Well,” I prompted, strutting over to him. “I just mean that I understand how Katherine and Elena wanted you both. I mean look at you. Tall with soft, black hair. Gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that makes all the girl’s knees go weak. And with that big ego of yours, you’re sure to win any girl.” 

I put my hand on his chest, looking him in the eyes while my hand trailed down his shirt and to the waistband of his jeans. I leaned up to his ear, darting my tongue around the outside. “I wonder what else is big.”

“Y/n?!” Elena shrieked. 

I looked at her and gave her a kind smile before going back to my role. 

“Elena!” Damon exclaimed, putting his hand on mine and pushing me away. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Elena asked. 

“Well, I obviously can’t have Stefan, so I was just thinking I could have Damon! I guess Katherine’s blood in me makes me like a little,” I giggled. 

In my head I was rolling my eyes and gagging, though. 

“You can’t have him! Look, I know you’re Caroline’s relative and Damon’s friend, but Damon’s my boyfriend. You’re not allowed to take him,” Elena said. 

“Aw, poor little Elena. You know, you’re nothing like Katherine. So whiny and mellow. I wonder what you’ll do when I do this,” I smirked. 

Just then, Stefan, Jeremy and Tyler came into the doorway. I tried so hard not to look at Stefan, looking at Elena instead. I went up to Damon, keeping eye contact when I began to press my lips to Damon’s lips. My eyes flickered to Stefan’s quickly and I saw the hurt flash through his eyes. I kept my emotions in check and closed my eyes, wrapping my hands in Damon’s hair and kissing him. 

“You bitch!” Elena exclaimed. I then heard the wood crack and I braced myself for pain.

“Woah, Damon, watch out!” Jeremy exclaimed. 

Damon moved out of the way, just in time for Elena’s stake to pierce me. 

“Ah!” I squeaked, holding the stake that was right in the middle of my heart. 

As I fell down, I saw Stefan close and open his eyes, tears then beginning to run down his face. Tears ran down my face, too. Not just from the pain, but from him crying. He ran over to me, falling down to his knees. I stared at his face, seeing him sob and scream at everyone above me. His hands went under my body, lifting me up and onto his lap. That was the last thing I felt before I died. 

————

I sat up and gasped, my eyes flying open. I looked around me, seeing absolutely no one. 

“Yeah, kill me then leave me. Good plan, guys,” I muttered. 

“I’m here,” Stefan’s hoarse voice sounded beside me. 

I turned my head, shocked to see him. “I-I didn’t see you.”

“Yeah, I um… I was kind of hiding. I was afraid when you woke up you would be mad at me,” he admitted sheepishly. He sat on the edge of the bed. I moved to where I was sitting next to him. 

“Why would I be mad at you?” I asked. 

“Because I…I didn’t turn my humanity on when you said you loved me. It had to take you dying to turn it back on. I’m such a bad person, Y/n. I should have been able to turn it on when I first saw you. I-I thought you were dead all this time and when I first saw you, the first thing that came to my mind was that I wanted to make out with you. I’m horrible,” he explained, tears beginning to roll down his face. 

I gave him a kind smile, putting my hand on his. “I’m not mad at you, Stef. I’ll admit, it hurt me when me confessing how I felt wasn’t enough to make you turn your humanity on, but I understand. You probably saw me and when relief washed over you, you knew that you couldn’t lose me again. But once you saw Elena stake me, that fear of losing me took over and made you turn it back on.”

Stefan nodded, sniffling. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I know I am. And for the record, I wanted to make out with you two when I first saw you,” I chuckled. 

Stefan laughed with me, wiping the tears off of his face. He looked at me, a smile on his face. “I’m sorry for not confessing my feelings for you in 1863, or 1864. I just… I just wasn’t sure you liked me back. You seemed to have every boy in town wrapped around your finger. I was just a scrawny, shy kid who knew didn’t know how to talk to such a beautiful girl like you. But then Katherine came and ruined everything.”

“I know, it’s okay, Stef,” I gave him a kind smile. “I’m sorry for everything, too. I should have confessed my feelings earlier. I was so sacred and nervous, too. I mean, you were this handsome - totally not scrawny -, kind boy. I never had met anyone as nice as you before.”

“Well, I wanted to be nice for you. I really liked you,” he smiled. 

I giggled, “Good. I’m glad. The thing I regret most, though, is that I never tried to seek you out. I regret telling Damon to lie to you. Because otherwise, we could’ve already been together. Getting married, going on dates, cuddling, having hot vamp sex.”

Stefan laughed at my last few words. He turned to fully face me, taking both my hands in his. “Let’s not regret anything anymore. I don’t want to live my life in regret and guilt anymore. Let’s start new, okay? Because now, we have an eternity together, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”

I nodded with an eager smile. “Me, too.”

“So, uh, speaking of that hot vamp sex. Wanna have some now or do you need time to uh, heal from dying?” Stefan asked with a playful smile. 

“Hm, no. I think I’m good,” I giggled. 

Stefan pressed his lips to mine, putting his hands on my hips and setting me on top of the bed. I moved up to where the pillows were while Stefan climbed on top of me. I put my hands on his neck, bringing his face close to mine. 

“I love you, Stefan,” I smiled, butterflies swarming in my stomach. 

“I love you, too, Y/n.”

————

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@123cxcv​ @lilsalvawhore​ @kaitieskidmore1​

[toasterdrake]

Hay There, Birthday Twin

horse-oriented!Mirabel x horse-oriented!gn!reader

Word Count: 790

A/N: it's my fanfiction, i get to project my love of horses onto my comfort characters!

Mirabel hasn't seen you all day. The falling of night is imminent. It's the first birthday between the two of you since you've begun dating - her sixteenth birthday - and you're a no-show so far. She sulks, leaning on the rail of a balcony away from her own party, watching as the sky grows a deeper red with every passing second.

Dolores gains her prima's attention by patting her shoulder. "They're on their way," she murmurs. Sure enough,

"Hola, mi cielo!" A cry echoes from down the hill.

Mirabel jumps up, suddenly full of life. Casita helps her get to the front door in record time. She throws it open at the same time as you raise your hand to knock.

You forego that and instead cup her face in your hands, pressing a firm kiss to her smushed cheek. Mirabel giggles, overjoyed that you're finally here.

"Lo siento, Mira," you gasp, slightly out of breath from your excursion. You'd run all the way from your family's farm on the outskirts of town to la casa Madrigal. The incline of the hill had been the last straw for your lungs. "There was an emergency on the farm and mi familia needed me all day, I couldn't get away."

"That's alright, you're here now! Is everything okay?" Mirabel holds onto your arms as if intent on not letting you slip away again.

"Sí, it's all sorted. I couldn't let myself miss a special someone's birthday," you grin.

Mirabel smiles. You remembered after all, had rushed to be with her even when you had been kept busy all day.

"Come," you say, taking her hand and starting back down the hill, "I want you to meet him."

Oh. Mirabel's face falls as you pull her along behind you. You had forgotten, then. You are thinking of someone else. She'd have to wish them a happy birthday while the same words go unspoken for her.

It isn't a surprise when you lead her to your family's farm. What is a surprise, however, is to find the place free of devastation. In fact, it is calmer than usual. The most prevalent sound is the shuffling of horses in their stalls, followed by the hushed clucking of chickens wandering around the courtyard. Only a couple of lights are on in the house; Mirabel knows that they represent the kitchen and living room. 

One of your older brothers is filling up a water trough at a pump. He winks at Mirabel, though she can't fathom why. But before she can inquire, he has pulled his ruana close around his shoulders, gathered up the bucket, and is striding away.

Mirabel grows even more confused as you lead her closer to the horses' stalls. You shoot her a curious look, then unlatch one of the half-doors and gesture for her to go in. Mirabel does as you ask, stepping hesitantly into the darkness inside.

You close the door behind you and light the lamp. Mirabel gasps.

Lying on the straw, a beautiful blue roan pinto foal meets her gaze. One eye is the soft brown she's used to seeing, but the other is a striking electric blue.

The mother, a solid blue roan with a dark face, watches Mirabel calmly.

"We were hoping for a filly," you begin to explain in a soft murmur, "because we've already met our stallion quota for this generation. This boy would go to a farmer after his training, but none of them want him since they all have young horses already. As beautiful as he is, he's only a liability to us. It costs a lot to feed all these guys, you know?"

Mirabel nods distantly, glancing at you as you recline against the stall door, gaze fixed on the foal. You are right. It had been hard for your family to scrape by, some years. "That only leaves for him to be offered as a riding horse to anyone interested. I insisted you should have first choice, since you share a birthday and all," You smile fondly, and meet her gaze. Your eyes hold a kind of emotion that takes possession of her heart. "Would you be interested, Mirabel?"

Mirabel pulls you into a hug. "I'm sorry for ever doubting you," she whispers.

"Is that a yes?" You ask nervously, pulling back to see her face, but keeping her close. Mirabel nods enthusiastically. You break into a grin. "Happy birthday, mariposa," you say, and hug her again.

The colt stands shakily and whinnies shrilly. You and Mirabel laugh. 

"He's saying it as well," you joke, but something in you says you just might be right. Mirabel looks at him fondly, head resting on your shoulder, your arms still around each other's waists.

~[M]~

- love, Lynx

[gds-fanfic-blog]

Father Son Bonding Time [FNAFtale]

The barrier was destroyed only a few days ago. Everyone was overjoyed! We got to see the sun again. After oh so long. The golden rays that we gave up everything for, shone down on my face. The warmth, making my body relax like I never let it before. The sunset was more beautiful than I remembered… We sacrificed so much for the sun. Our hope, our innocence, the lives of children… I remember when I judged those poor souls…. They were so tormented by their lives on the surface… The children never fell into the underground… they all had jumped, hoping that. If they survived their falls, we would finish them off… Frisk was different from those children. They had an unspoken goal, when jumping down. Perhaps they had planned to free us? Like hell if I know. It seems to have been their goal from the beginning, and I will remain forever grateful…. We all will.

As twilight began to shine down from the heavens, I looked up in awe. “....I forgot how different stars are from my books…. They’re more beautiful than the glow worms at Lilygear…”

I spoke softly to myself. The other animatronics were already fast asleep. They all had partied till they dropped during the morning. But not me, I don’t have the energy for that. Being the only one awake, I decided to take a walk through the woods. There was something I needed to do, but couldn’t for many, many years… The hands of the trees claw at my dirty suit, as I make my way to a very special place, that I was only told of, when my inner cub first started to die. When I first outlived my own innocence.

I come to a clearing, as the gold of dusk starts to fade from sight. In the clearing, only God knows how many stones… These stones are special though. All of them cut into shape, some carved more beautifully than others. But they all have one thing in common, that no matter their differences, you can tell what these stones are supposed to be. Names and dates carved into them… Graves… I walk through the graveyard, respecting the dead as I go. Avoiding the mounds of dirt, and paying silent respect to them as I pass them by. I’m a bit too experienced with spirits, and I don’t want anyone to rise again because of me being a fool. I find what I’m looking for, and I teleport up the hill.

Up on the hill, standing alone, is an old, and broken grave. There’s moss growing almost everywhere on the grave. A large crack in one side of the grave. I smile sadly at the grave, and fix it up the best I can. I clean off some of the moss and dirt from the stone. I place an echo flower on the mound that has been overtaken with wild flowers. Once the grave is cleaned off a bit, I speak to the dead body that I know is no longer there. “....Hi dad… I'm sorry… I-I’m sorry that I didn’t visit you sooner… A lot of stuff happened over the years… I’m sure you know that though… You’ve been watching us from heaven after all…. Right….?”

I am met with silence. As I expected. As I actually hoped to be honest. My old man deserved to rest after all… No matter how much I miss him, I know what my dad deserved. He deserved peace, and the greatest luxuries in heaven. On my father’s grave it reads, ‘Henry Thomas Emily’. Below his name are two dates, ‘1923-1990’. Below that are a few nice words, wishing him peace in the afterlife, ‘The kindest man to have ever lived. A father. And a friend. Rest in peace, and return to the angels where you belong’.... Yeah, my father was an angel among men…. He was too kind for his own good. He was one of those people you couldn’t hate no matter how hard you tried. Hating him was a war that would never be won, but loving him was just as much of a losing game in the end. He gave to the poor and homeless in every way he could. Once during the winter, he came to Fredbear’s Family Diner in a t-shirt, because he gave his jacket and sweater to a homeless man. Not a few hours later, that same man found the diner, and my father gave him work. That man changed for the better thanks to my father. That wasn’t the only good thing that he did. He had a program for kids and adults alike, that allowed them to have free food, and shelter at the fazbear locations. He even put showers in some locations that provided free shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. He said that the customers were part of the fazbear family… I guess he really wanted to sell the whole “family” thing by making the restaurants be like a home. By stars, did that work…. So many guards that would lose their lives there saw each other as family… They saw us as family… They saw HIM as family….

Everything went down the drain when the children were killed. Seven innocent children, one of them being my sister. I had witnessed her death, actually… I was only a kid at the time. She was five, and I was thirteen. I was taking cake to children that day. They were all so demanding of me. The kids were greedy, and wanted cake all for themselves. The security puppet that was built to look after kids and help with the prize corner was stuck in her box. The kids had put some presents on top of her box, and she couldn’t get out. I couldn’t walk over, because I was too obedient to my code back then. Outside, my sister was locked out by the kids. They locked her out because she always got cake from me first, and she’d always get more attention from me. The purple man had killed her out in the rain�� He left her body out by the dumpster…

When my father told me what happened that day, I was confused. I didn’t have a concept of death. I wasn’t programmed to know about that type of loss. I didn’t know why my dad was so sad after that man “took her to heaven”. All I knew was that heaven was a nice place that good people could only go to. Sure, Charlie could never come back, but if you stayed a good person you’d see your loved ones again eventually, right? Right…? It wasn’t till my father’s suicide that I understood his grief… My brother and I were on stage after a long day of work, just resting. My father walked up to me, with the face of an angel that walked the sinner’s path in hell and believed they deserved the unjust damnation. Even a face like that would seem more joyful… He shut me off, and took me to the office. When I woke up, my fur was warm and wet, and pained cries filled the air, like the blood filled the room. The snapping of bones, as my springlocks crushed my father’s body still haunt my dreams to this day… for a few moments, I was blind, and my eyes felt wet. I could feel them push through my father’s skull, and my jaw started to crush his… When I opened my eyes, my golden fur was crimson with the pain my father inflicted on himself using me… that was the day that I learned the true meaning of “death”. He cried like I had never heard a human sob before… I tried to call for help… I screamed… Pleaded… Begged… For someone, anyone… To save him. I called for help, BUT NOBODY CAME.

I stared at the grave with sorrow, remembering what my body was forced to do. At least my father is free now, right…? The shackles of life, and the pain that went with it, fell from him years ago… but, he could've gotten help, right…? Is it selfish of me to wish that he had tried harder, despite sacrificing his all? I feel like it is… He wanted death… He yearned for it… I sadly know how that feels now, personally. “Heh…. I know… ya can’t hear me… dad…? I miss you… so much… Remember when I first woke up, dad…? You looked at me, with so much pride… ya told me I was your ‘greatest creation’! Heh…. Guess I’m a disappointment then… You built me to make people happy… But I couldn’t even do that for myself… Not after you died… It’s been over ten thousand years… You’d think I’d get over it… Heh, I guess you’re hard to get over… Huh, dad…? ‘Return to the angels, where you belong’... That really fits you, dad… If you weren’t an angel before… You are one now…”

“…” I am met with silence once again. If he was alive, he would've said something along the lines of ‘You're not a disappointment Fred… Even if you were a disappointment, I would still love you, along with many others! You are loved, and you need a little help… Just like I did… You’re allowed to cry, and feel bad, because you're grieving… And even if you weren’t grieving, you’re allowed to cry, son…’ So I did just that. I laid half on the mound, like a little kid would lay half on their parents, and wept. I cried, wishing I could cling to him, like the cub I wish I was… The cub that died with him… The moon covered her sheets of white light over us, as I grieved a loss that I never could before. As the stars danced in the night, I began to sing… “There's an emptiness tonight~

A hole that wasn't there before~

And I keep reaching for the light~

But I can't find it anymore~

There's an emptiness tonight~

A heavy hand that pulls me down~

They say it's gonna be alright~

But can't begin to tell me how~

And I ask myself out loud~

Have I been lost all along~

Was there something I could say or something I should not have done~

Was I lost all along~

Was I looking for an answer when there never really was one~

Was I looking for an answer when there never really was one~

Is there sunshine where you are~

The way there was when you were here~

Cause I'm just sitting in the dark~

In disbelief that this is real~

Disbelief that this is real~

Have I been lost all along~

Was there something I could say or something I should not have done~

Was I lost all along~

Was I looking for an answer when there never really was one~

Was I looking for an answer when there never really was one~

And I ask myself out loud~

Have I been lost all along~

Was there something I could say or something I should not have done~

Was I lost all along~

Was I looking for an answer when there never really was one~

Was I looking for an answer when there never really was one~”

I sighed heavily, and looked to the sky. Ursa Major and Ursa Minor both shone brightly. Brighter than the other stars. My dad had told me, when I was a cub, that our loved ones made our favorite stars shine brighter, to remind us that they aren’t gone… Dad must be smiling down on me. I kiss his grave, and take out my plushie. The last thing I have of my dad, other than a photo that I have of my family. Before I fall asleep, I smile. “Goodnight dad… I love you too…”

[rakhma-agape-ahavah]

Last August, a month before my sister in law got remarried, I had a dream about her that I believed with absolute certainty was from God.

In my dream she was at her baby shower, posing outside for photos with her aunt in a white shirt with lavender colored flowers. I was so certain of the dream, I reached out to one of my dearest friends to help me bring the design out of my mind and onto paper.

But being able to have children was something my sister in law wasn't even sure would ever happen. She'd been married before, to a terrible man. One who held her back from her relationship with God. A hateful, angry, controlling man. She had married him when she was very young, and after an emergency trip to the hospital found that, much like myself, she was highly unlikely to ever have children. And in the seven years they were married, they never did.

Mercifully, she was able to get a divorce, and be free of him. She moved in with my husband and I, and we got to see her relationship with Jesus blossom even more. Her dad had purchased a guitar for her before his passing, and it was a joy to have her sing worship songs in our home, free and unhindered, as she learned to play guitar beautifully. No fear that she would be stopped from praising her Father in heaven to her heart's content.

After about a year she gained independence from us, and began living on her own. She then met a wonderful Christian man, with a deep love for the Lord. I'm honored now to call him family, and to trust him with my husband's sister, whom we all adore.

In March, we got a phone call.

They were expecting.

I searched again for the shirt that was impossible to find: high and low for her, I scoured the internet for the shirt I saw her wearing in my dream, glowing and radiant in her pregnancy. Comparing every shirt on the internet to the drawing my friend had made. But I couldn't find anything exactly like it.

So with the help of my dearest, and oldest friends, I had the shirt custom designed and made for her. And it was, indeed, ready for her when her baby shower came around.

I took the photos for her baby shower myself. And at the last minute, when her aunt was leaving, and realizing we hadn't yet gotten a photo with her, we took a photo with her outside before she got in her car.

And when I came home, editing the photos, I realized I'd seen the image before. And it was the only photo taken outside, with the same person she had posed beside in my dream. I absolutely wept with my joy.

These last few months of her pregnancy, I've been having dreams of her singing worship music in her living room with a toddler. And this precious child in my dream belted out praises to God with all the power her little lungs could muster. I heard a voice in one of those dreams; that she would love Him with all her heart. And I am so excited to see what God has planned for her. I am overjoyed to the point of tears, and I am honored by what I've been allowed to see already.

I write all this now to announce to you that today, I received news just a little while ago, that this precious little baby was finally born. 8 pounds and 2 ounces.

What a mighty God we serve, who sets the captive free, and gives hope to the hopeless. Glory to God.

I'll update you again in a few years, whenever she learns to sing. I long to hear this sweet baby sing hymns again. The memory of a dream is not enough. And I can't wait for others to hear her sweet voice.

And in case you don't believe me, here is the proof. The proof that God keeps His promises, that God doesn't lie, that what He says is always true. Proof that obviously, there is Someone greater, Someone who knows us better than we know ourselves, and loves us so greatly that we cannot hope to comprehend it. Who else would know this child when she was only a hope, and a dream? Not I. I didn't have the power to know, or to call upon this dream. I'm no one. I'm nothing. And He is everything.

Acts 2:17 In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.

I cannot describe the greatness of my joy, that I might be blessed to know one more person in this life who loved God so much nothing could stop her from proclaiming Him to the world.

And God showed her to me, of all people, the least deserving. He showed hope, and faith, to a nobody like me, in ways I can never deny. And now, I want to show it to you.

Jesus loves you. God bless you all.

[alexhandersen-marcoilsoe-fandom]

Chapter IV: New limits

The moodboard-goddess @flowers-in-your-hayr​ is such a talent. Thank you soo much!

a/n: To those who like BDSM, this is your chapter! The same as always, english is not my first language, so sorry for mistakes.

Pairing: ALEX x Reader x MARCO

Words: 2336

Spotify: Kiana Ledé & Jacquees - Only Fan

Warning: +18, NSFW, smut, soft BDSM, threesome

Summary: You plunge into a new life. This courage makes you do far more than you thought.

Chapter I          Chapter II          Chapter III

Almost five months passed, and you haven't seen Alex yet. At first it was planned that he would come to visit you, but he had a few shoots and no time to make a stopover at your place. Ana has broken off contact with Marco and got back together with her ex-boyfriend. The distance has burdened her.

You got a unplanned spring break and decided to fly to Denmark and surprise Alex. You knew he would be home either the same day or the next day. In the worst case scenario, you would just sit in front of the front door and wait for him or Marco to come home.

You packed your things and took the train to the airport. Your flight was delayed, and you got to their home at almost 10pm. You stood in front of the door and didn't dare to ring the bell; your legs were shaking so badly that you could not stand up straight.

Alex opened the door and you hand him the food."Did someone order sushi?" 

,,What?!!’’ Alex was stunned, his chin dropped. 

,, Is this real? No way elskede, this can't be true!!''. You jumped at him and he almost fell over. He was overjoyed and couldn't stop kissing you.

"Maarco! Come here, see who's here!” Yelled Alex. Marco came out of the bathroom and only had his shorts on.

,, Heeej, what are you doing here?! You are crazy, girl. So good to see you'' He grinned and shook his head. You were surprised because he had no intention of hugging you. You saw someone get up from the sofa. A beautiful blonde looked at you with a smiling face.

,, Hi, I'm Clara''. Her short pants and crop top showed more of her body than you would have liked. You looked at Marco and he immediately felt uncomfortable.

“This is a good friend of Marco. And she's my girlfriend Y / N'' Alex pointed to you. You nodded to her and said ,,Hi’’ without any emotions. You wanted her to know that you would never become friends.

Alex helped you put your things in his closet and brought the food into the kitchen. You knew that sushi was his favorite food. He asked you to sit down and served you a glass of wine. 

"Thank you so much for the sushi, I love it! So tell me, how long are you going to stay?" Marco heard the question and looked directly in your direction.

,,Ehm…I have to tell you something. I was actually thinking of moving here. I have already enrolled in a Danish course. And I will start working here in the hospital in two months’’. You told him that you quit your apartment and registered yourself in Copenhagen.

"So even if you don't want me here, I'll stay in Copenhagen" did you comment at the end. Alex was impressed by your initiative. 

,,You didn't have to fly back the last time and you know that’’

"But don't worry, I'll find my own apartment as soon as possible and then move out."

"I don't think so, but we'll talk about that later" insisted Alex.

It was late and you were tired, you put the empty glass of wine in the kitchen and took a shower. The shower was at the end of the long corridor, so you had to walk past the guest room and Marco's room. You forgot your bathrobe in the room, so you wrapped the bath towel around you and ran back. The towel was too small so you hoped that nobody would notice. Alex was already waiting for you.

Suddenly someone grabbed your wrist and pulled you back. 

"Wait!" Marco pushed your hair aside with his nose and kissed the back of your neck. 

"I missed you baby". You turned around but he was holding your hand so tight that you couldn't run away.

"NO" you said quietly in a rough tone. Marco put his hand under your bathrobe and pulled you closer to him. 

"You are so hot baby", you rejected his kiss.

"Let go of my arm Marco!" He noticed you said it seriously and he let you go.

                                                      **********

,,You don't know how I missed you, that was an agony. I couldn't even talk to you that much on the phone properly because of all your shifts.’’ Alex complained. 

You actually wanted to ask him if he's kidding you like Marco. Marco promised to wait for you and in the end he didn't do it, but you couldn't because Alex didn't know anything about your sex, so you quickly forgot about it.

You were so horny, such a long time without a man in your bed. You were already tired of satisfying yourself. You couldn't wait any longer and dropped your bath towel. You sat on him and put his hands on your ass. You could feel that his cock was already hard. You rubbed it with your pussy and pushed his underpants down so that his cock jumped out. You took it in your hand and slowly shoved it into your pussy. You had to ride him slowly at the beginning because it hurt you a little. Alex looked up at you and closed his eyes. You could see he was enjoying that.

"Moan my name" he followed your command. 

,,Louder!’’. you wanted Marco to hear it. You felt a heat inside you, that made you cum. You breathed into his mouth and felt this magnetism between you. Seeing your pleasured face made him even more horny. He climaxed and bit your chin. 

Alex had to go to set early the next day, so you fell asleep quickly afterwards.

                                                          *********

In the morning you didn't even notice that he had already left. The apartment was very quiet, and you didn't see anyone. You were glad you didn't have to see this chick. You took your coffee and enjoyed the morning sunshine on the balcony. The sun's rays covered the cold, so you could keep your lace-trimmed nightgown on. 

,,You don't know how happy I am to see you again baby I missed the smell of your skin so much.’’ Marco had his face right next to your neck and smelled your hair. You pushed him away. 

“What do you mean, you missed me. You found a barbie who takes care of you.You couldn't miss me. You are such a liar. Don't you dare touch me again.’’You yelled at him and turned away from him. He held you back on your forearm so you couldn't go away. 

"Hey, listen, I went crazy, I thought you'd never come back. You always spoke to Alex on the phone and never asked for me. What should I have done? I've already broken up with her. She won't come back.’’ 

You were so close to his lips, you knew it wouldn't stop at a kiss, so you didn't dare. You were hoping he would make this decision for you. Marco grabbed your ass, lifted you up carried you into the apartment. You couldn't resist him. He was very dominant with you in contrast to Alex. He put your panties aside and stroked your clit, you were already wet. Your legs were around his waist, until his cock found his way in your pussy.

,,Baby harder’’ You wanted him to be rougher. It made the whole thing more intense. Beeing discovered by alex was like a thrill for you. His hips smacked against your thights. Marco knew exactly when to act harsh to let you cum.

The mood after sex was intimate, as if you had known each other for years, it gave you a feeling of security. 

                                                      ************

When you went home in the afternoon after the Danish course, both were sitting at home and playing video games. You sat between them, but they paid no attention to you. So, you got up again and went to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

"I'll help you," said Alex to you and took the knife away from you. You took the chance and took a shower.

"Ouch, I cut myself. Where's my nurse?! '' Alex wanted you to look at the wound. You had to grin because the cut was barely visible. 

"You have to kiss it for it to heal." and held out his finger to you. You looked him in the eyes and your tongue ran all over his finger. You felt how it made him horny. You sucked his finger and then let his hand slip under your bra, so he could feel your hard nipples. Marco was still sitting on the couch, but could exactly hear what was going on.

,, I have a surprise for you’’.  Alex blindfolded you and took you into a room. You took small steps because you were afraid of falling or running into a wall. 

,,Come on elskede, trust me.” He put his hands on your shoulders and pushed you down. You lay on the bed with your legs bent. Shortly afterwards you heard a "click" on your wrists. 

He slowly marked a trail of kisses, while you were tied to bed, just before your pussy he stopped.

"Do you like it?" it was Marco's voice and you were briefly confused. After he kissed you, you knew perfectly well that it was him. Your tongues pressed together in a hot openmouthed kiss. He pulled off your blindfold and you saw both lying next to you. Alex had already taken off his clothes and only had his pants on.

“I told him about us. I told him what we did in the disco and about sex in the morning.” You were shocked and scared of Alex's reaction. You knew it had to be said, but you weren't prepared at all.

,,We don't want to intimidate you, but we could both make you happy.'' said Marco. You looked shyly at Alex, but couldn't see any emotions on his face.

,, I knew you guys like each other, Marco eyefucks you all the time. I knew you had sex, because you rejected me even though I had fingered you in the disco shortly before.” added Alex.

,,You can think about it and then let us know. We won't force you.’’

Alex wanted to free you from the handcuffs, as you yelled.

,,No, don't!”, you searched for eye contact.

,, Come closer...’’ you whispered. ,,You are too nice to me guys. I know exactly how much you like having rough sex. So, let's stop pretending to like it gently.” 

Marco sat at the foot of the bed, you knew he liked doggy style, so you turned around and pressed your ass towards him. He squeezed your ass cheeks and could see your pussy while doing it. He caressed your already wet pussy and shoved his cock in. It made you moan loudly. You liked that feeling of being dominated and they liked it even more. Marco put his hand around your neck and pulled your head towards his chest. You could hear his fast breathing. 

"I've wanted to do this for a long time, why did you keep me waiting so long for this…Look at Alex and tell him how much you like to be fucked hard, you nasty girl.” 

Alex sat in the corner of the room on an armchair. He was hearing your clapping cheeks and rubbed his cock.

“Please fuck me harder Marco“, you’ve never seen Alex so horny. 

He got up and approached you. His big hand touched your soft neck and choked you. He did it very gently so that you could breathe easily, he was rather shy. His tongue slided soft over your upper lip. You wanted to kiss him but he refused.

,,You won’t decide what we'll do” and wagged his finger. 

,,Let's turn her over!’’ he said. They talked about you like you weren't there. 

Alex released the handcuffs from the bed but left them on your wrists. Marco put your legs on his shoulders so that he could penetrate you deeper. Alex knelt down to you and stroked your mouth with his cock. He had your arms trapped between his thighs. They grinned at each other and focused on you again. You were like on fire. Your pussy pulsed and your climax came closer and closer. You looked at Alex who was close to your face.

,,Can I cum? " Your hands sank into the sheets and you couldn't wait any longer.

,,Let it happen elskede” He gave you a gentle kiss and bit your lower lip. He saw you cumming and jerked off on your breasts, your spread it over your nipple and licked your finger clean. Marco moaned loud in your ear, you felt how the sperm ran out of your pussy. 

"Tak baby”, muttered Marco while smooched your neck.

 They both got off you and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Are you okay?" and released your handcuffs.

“I feel better than ever. Don't worry guys, you didn't hurt me and you never will.

" You stood up und walked into the bathroom.

,,Do you sleep in my bed tonight? I would be happy about that” Marco called after you.

,,I think I will settle in the guest room if you both agree. I can start work earlier than planned and it would be easier for me if I have my own room”

,,That’s not a problem for me, but i will sneak into your room if i want a kiss” said Alex with a wink.

,,All right, no problem, good night and wake me up tomorrow” said Marco a little disappointed.

,,Good night guys and thank you for letting me live here” and closed the door behind you.

 Chapter V: Inopportune moment!

[existingispetty]

Hello.... again

I'm here for yet another matchup (I love them and you have such good fandoms😊).

Can I have one for Tokyo revengers (male) please 🖤

She/her, pan

Personality: I am very empathetic, always trying to keep the people around me happy (even if I'm not in the end) I hate disappointing people so I can over work myself sometimes. Mostly I am kind and polite, but a I get very sassy moments (I can also be very sarcastic). Im also kind of reserved when I first meet someone and it can take me awhile to show my fun, goofy, happy side to them

Aquarius, infj

I like reading books, writing, listening to music (mostly kpop). I also like to go exploring like in the forest or even abandoned places I also love cooking and baking (more so baking tbh)

my favorite songs at the moment are, as it was (harry styles), middle of the night(elley duhe), and charmer (start kids)

sometimes I stop in the middle of talking because I think I talk to much (I've been told many times that I do so I just try not to really talk in a way)i play with my hands a lot, I have a really high pitched (idk sorta cute?) sneeze, I can be very clumsy (I literally tripped on air once😂) when I do something scary my hands shaky after I've done the scary thing (if that makes any sense)

Thank you for doing all these matchups for me I swear this will be the last one if you don't want to do anymore for me😂

Hi hi! Also, I really don't mind all the requests! It makes me feel proud! I hope you enjoy it! So sorry about how long it took! +++++++++++++++++++++++++

Your matchup is….(insert drumroll*)

Chifuyu Matsuno

The word ‘empathetic’ fits Chifuyu to a T. Chifuyu will get really sad if you start neglecting yourself while trying to make others happy. His sad face is so depressing it won’t take long for you to crumble. Chifuyu is used to having sassy friends. He can’t get a break from Baji. Chifuyu has a very comfortable aura so I don’t think it would take long for someone to open up to him.

Chifuyu reads a lot of books on animals and cats. Chifuyu can’t go to sleep unless he’s listening to music… Chifuyu would absolutely invite Baji on your adventures. Please teach Chifuyu to cook he would be overjoyed.

Chifuyu in his free time learns K-pop dances. Chifuyu would love all those songs, he listens to as it was when he sleeps. Chifuyu would get really confused when you stop talking. he would ask you what’s wrong. He would grab your hands and hold them if you were fidgeting with them. He will never forget to say bless you with those high-pitched sneezes of yours. Chifuyu overall finds you so cute he just wants to squeeze your cheeks

[pompompurin1028]

Ok, I just finished "The Setting Sun" and wow I may have read a little too fast towards the end because I was so excited and eager to finish but I'm very much in awe of the whole novel. I hope you don't mind if I just put down my thoughts about it :')

Ig I should put a SPOILER WARNING and obviously, there's:

TW: Mentions of suicide

First off, my opinions of the main cast:

I honestly had very neutral feelings towards Naoji in the beginning but shortly after his suicide and his note to Kazuko I felt that I understood him a lot more. Maybe it was partly because the story took place in Kazuko's POV that I had a more discontented viewpoint of him but afterward I felt I understood him more as a person.

With Kazuko, I personally liked her character and the fact that she didn't seem like she was written to be the "perfect woman" like I've seen in some novels. She has flaws and I think her love for her mother is something I found interesting. Although towards the end, I felt that her love for Mr. Uehara sort of anchored her down.

Kazuko and Naoji's Mother was honestly my favorite character of the whole series. I adored her from start to finish. All the way from when she was first introduced she had a sophisticated and genuinely kind aura and when she died I honestly felt a little part of me die as well, haha. But her last line in the book: "It must have been a terrible rush for you" pulled my heartstrings a lot.

Secondly, I just wanted to ramble about some of my favorite quotes from the book lol

The first quote I highlighted was a line Kazuko says: "...The ones who die are always the gentle, sweet, and beautiful people." Which honestly felt so Dazai-like. In both the case of Dazai-sensei and the BSD version of him. There were so many times I wondered if it was the character speaking or Dazai-sensei himself adding himself into the character.

Another one I liked was "I wonder how it would be if I let go and yielded myself to depravity." I don't really have a comment on it, I just sort of liked it lol.

I highlighted so many in all honesty but I also wanted to point out this one: "The dying are beautiful, but to live, to survive--those things somehow seem hideous and contaminated with blood." Again, it just seemed so beautifully raw and just something I envision BSD Dazai saying and believing as well.

In Naoji's suicide note I almost felt as though it was coming from not just him but from Dazai-sensei as well. Which I'm beginning to see is a recurring pattern in the novel. In particular, this one line stood out to me: "Why must I go on living after what has happened? It's useless. I am going to die. I have a poison that kills without pain. I got it when I was a soldier and have kept it ever since."

I loved the Snake Metaphors(?) throughout the story. And especially Kazuko and Naoji's POV of their mother and how they call her "the last lady of Japan" I think they truly honor her and it's interesting to see such two somewhat lost and "tainted" characters almost obsess over this "light" and genuinely kind woman they hold in such high regard. It almost reminds me of BSD Dazai's opinion of Odasaku or even Atsushi.

That's mostly it- I just really wanted to talk about those things and overall I loved it a lot. It's been a while since I've been so absorbed in a book so reading it felt very relaxing and at the same time so riveting. I hope you don't mind me popping into your inbox and chattering on about this :')

Okay, before I begin, Ariel please don't apologize for putting down your thoughts here. I love discussing Dazai-sensei's novels, and I can't even begin to express how giddy, excited and overjoyed I am to receive this ask of yours. And please if you would ever like to discuss more of his works, feel free to chat with me as well, via asks or on discord it doesn't matter😭❤, I'm always down for it. And this whole thing is me rambling over this so please bear with me haha.

And, I want to say, I was extremely eager to read and finish the novel as well as I continued on reading. It is strangely alluring and compelling. And honestly, I tend to be in awe of Dazai-sensei's thoughts and writing as well😫💕.

Okay, so before I begin to address your thoughts on the novel. Let me write down some background information on the novel to hopefully give you maybe a better understanding of it and Dazai-sensei as well?

The book was published in 1947, not long after the end of the Second World War which ended in 1945. The book in general talks about the state of Japan after the Second World War, and the decline of the aristocracy that came with it. (It should be noted that Dazai-sensei came from an aristocratic background as well, but he also seems to have a sense of shame towards it). The title of the book is literally a metaphor for the decline of Japan. Japan is often known as the "land of the rising Sun", and therefore "The Setting Sun" as the title is fitting for this theme.

And well, this defeat created according to here (an article written in Chinese unfortunately😥) caused a great change in moral values in the Japanese society, which caused an uproar for democracy. Dazai-sensei, however, was quite critical of this, as he sees this as a sign that the Japanese do not feel any guilt or remorse for their actions in the war that took place. (From what I've read Dazai-sensei in his works is very much known for his sense, albeit unusual for Japanese writers from what I read, of guilt, remorse and in a sense seeking for atonement, in one of his prose he even wrote that he writes literature for "remorse, confession and reflection" [my translation from my native language]).

Also, it should be noted that The Setting Sun is also deeply inspired by a diary written by one of Dazai-sensei's lovers (especially chapters 1 to 5 I believe). However, Dazai-sensei himself is best known for his I-novels and their semi-biographical elements. In one of his short stories, or prose in his book I am reading, he confesses that he cannot write things he doesn't know or hadn't felt for himself...

Now onto your thoughts on the novel!

Naoji, I honestly felt the same about him at first, but the more I dove into the novel, especially in the chapters Moonflowers and his note to Kuzuko, I felt more connected to him. And when I read the novel I felt as though Dazai-sensei had actually reflected a part of himself in Naoji, and I read something from what @/bsd-bibliophile had said which confirmed that perhaps Naoji was in a sense an extension of Dazai-sensei himself. (Same for Mr. Uehara I should note, who is also an extension of Dazai-sensei, which I had also noted as well when reading the novel).

And yes! I loved Kuzuko as well, and I have to agree with your statement about her love for Mr. Uehara. I was somewhat disappointed with that as well. But I actually had just been reading on something today which is a bit interesting. However, I do not know enough on the topic yet, nor am I entirely confident at myself explaining it at the moment, but I will talk about it briefly down here.

CW Religious Mentions [Christianity] (Feel free to skip if it makes you uncomfortable <3 For this is simply for literature analysis uses)

Before I begin, I should note that Dazai-sensei is by no means a "religious person", many scholars do not believe so either. It was mentioned in a paper that he even holds a critical view of the Church. However, Dazai-sensei commonly mentions the Bible in well the prose of his that I am currently reading (which brought me to research this topic). It was written in some papers that I am reading that he simply understood the Bible through his own means and not what the Church says (perhaps he sees it as a piece of literature as well in a sense...). Some papers say that he formed his unique views of the need to find "atonement" for his own guilt due to this, which some say is not often seen in Japanese authors.

I'm getting off-topic, but what I'm trying to say is that some scholars say that that action by Kuzuko might've been an allusion in a sense. But what the paper was trying to say was that it was meant to be something powerful? But, personally, I'm not sure what I think of it, it might be a bit far-fetched. But I just wanted to make a note of it.

End of CW

And yes! I do agree I loved their mother as well. I loved how genuine and kind she was. I think she is my favourite too, but she also acted as a form of symbolism for the theme of the novel I believe, which I will talk about briefly later on.

"...The ones who die are always the gentle, sweet, and beautiful people."

I really liked this quote too actually! And yes, I can definitely see Dazai-sensei saying this... It is hard to tell which part is him confessing, but most of his work tends to have elements of his own feelings and thoughts. Personally, I think it might be Dazai-sensei himself speaking... But I'm not sure, but it should be noted that Dazai-sensei held the concept of "tenderness" in high esteem (other people have also mentioned it here).

And honestly, I get what you mean when you say you don't know what to say about it haha. Sometimes authors just put sentences and words together so beautifully.

And yes, I definitely understand that! I felt that as well, and as I said, Dazai-sensei seems to have put elements of himself into Naoji...

And ahh the snake metaphor! I read on it a bit before, and some say that it might've been symbolizing the decline of Japan/the aristocracy. And the use of the term "the last lady of Japan" seems to symbolize the fall of the old traditions of Japan. It had seemed to me that their mother was a symbol of the "old Japan" that had fallen after the war.

And yes, they do hold her in very high esteem! I wrote that in my analysis as well before! From what I have read, Dazai-sensei does seem to hold such people highly, especially those that are honest and genuine it seems. And yes, exactly, it reminds me of BSD Dazai as well T^T.

And please, thank you for coming over to chat with me about it haha. You could probably tell by how long this is how excited I am about such topics😅. Don't hesitate to come by if you want to chat more! And I'm also really glad that you liked the book as well <33

[yesjejunus]

I'm happy to see that you're back! I was honestly worried that whole experience would stifle your passion for creating art. It truly hurt my heart to think we had lost artists. I'm overjoyed to see you're still drawing, and are sharing your work again!

I hope people are kinder and/or more responsible for their personal online experience this time around.

Will you be re-uploading any of your art from before? Or are you moving forward with a clean slate?

Best wishes, happy new year!

You know, in the past I’ve wanted to downplay how much these callouts affect me, because I didn’t want to give perverse power to the people who have harassed me, but I decided that I’m going to be more honest moving forward, and letting down some of the walls I have. All posts even tangentially related to the drama will be tagged with Fallout Callout, for those of you who would like to blacklist that (although I would like to assure you right up front that I don’t plan for that to be a regular thing, as I DO prefer to focus on the positives in life, and keep my blog relatively light and centered on Fallout). So with that out of the way

Yeahhhh I won’t lie, the month following the last callout I basically just... laid in bed. I sincerely don’t even remember much of it. I felt weak for bailing out, I felt like I had “let them win”, I was angry at the entire situation, and I was still terrified of my personal information being leaked, even though I’d left. I watched my harassers fuckin cheer what they had done. I’ve seen people accuse me of faking the abuse and sexual trauma I’ve lived through, I’ve even seen people who straight up said that I deserved it (tumblr really loves to protect survivors, but only the good and pure ones they deem worthy of it!).

The worst part though was that I just didn’t want to draw or write at all. This is probably a poor way to announce that I have another novel length fic in the works, but it even put me off of working on that. I uninstalled the game, and even changed my phone bg because anything even related to fallout was this horrific reminder of how fucking cruel people are.

It took talking to someone else who had been the target of a major callout/cancelling to feel okay with it. To feel like I wasn’t alone. They encouraged me to keep writing and drawing, and so I made myself, and I am lucky, SO DAMN LUCKY that I still found joy in it. I thank that person from the bottom of my heart that they gave me that nudge forward, and told me that it was okay to hurt because of what happened to me. If you see this, thank you again, you will never know the absolutely measurable difference you had on my outlook on this entire situation and my ability to cope with it.

I’m sorry that probably got a little deeper than you were necessarily asking for, but it’s good to get this off my chest. I hope that people will be kinder this time as well. I wish for people to remember that I’m human, as are all of my friends and supporters.

To answer your question though, I am actually do plan to post my old works! Most of my friends have reblogged something of mine at least once or twice, so I’m digging through archives and making a queue of old art and discussions, and if any of you have links to something I haven’t posted, please feel free to send them to me! If I’m unable to track something down, then I’ll just manually reupload it.

Thank you very much for this ask, it means a lot to me, and I hope that you have a good year too anon!

[scientificallygay838]

TW: Eating disorder, eating disorder relapse, body checks (no nudity, just fat)

Hey guys. I don't typically post text posts, I'm not looking for any help or advice, I honestly just need to vent. So here goes nothing.

My mom has always made comments about my weight, but I didn’t really realize it until I was around 15. I had been told I was a healthy weight, but she always had some snide remark about my weight. Slowly, I began to see myself as fat, all I saw was fat; fat thighs, fat arms, fat stomach, fat, fat, fat. The comment that really pushed me to anorexia was “What the HELL have you been eating to gain so much fucking weight, fatass?!” After that, I forced myself to eat less and less each day and exercise more and more. I went down to two meals, then one, and at my worst I'd go for days without eating much more than a protein bar if that. The most I’d ever eat in one day is 3 tiny meals, usually half of a bagel with cream cheese at 6 for breakfast, a halo orange at 10:30 for my morning snack, a small container of spinach and cherry tomatoes at noon for lunch, a small gala apple at 14:30 for my afternoon snack, and a veggie burger without a bun at 18:00 for dinner. Usually though, I'd just eat a protein bar after my morning run, and just drink water and gatorade, and *maybe* a diet soda. I spent all my time in my room. Instead of sitting around I'd exercise. I’d exercise for an hour, then take a rest break for a half hour, then repeat. I had an extensive workout of 100 jumping jacks, 100 squats, 100 sit ups, 100 crunches, 100 burpees, 100 push ups, 10 30 second planks, and a 2 hour jog. I did this every morning and evening without fail. As time went on, my health had begun to slowly get worse. I was constantly dizzy, tired all the time, my period was gone, had been for months, I was always cold, my head was always pounding, I sometimes woke up with bruises, and I started to pass out during my free time after my workouts. I knew I was not doing well, but I just wanted to be skinny, I wanted to make my mother proud. All I had ever wanted in life at that time was her love and approval, and I was starting to earn it. I ended up getting so bad, I landed myself in an RTF (residential treatment facility) to get help. I went in at 79.3 lbs. I could barely walk, I couldnt even stand up without nearly passing out. I realize now that I was dying. In the beginning, it was hard. A staff had to push me in a wheelchair; I was fed through a tube; I got in quite a few restraints because I tried to rip out my feeding tube. Every time they brought out the tube, I was thrown into a panic attack, sometimes so bad I entirely blacked out and was told I got so violent they had to lock me in the "quiet room" as they called it, until I had calmed down and regained my senses. I wasnt doing well mentally or physically. Even though my body was recovering, my mind was not. Every time I saw the numbers on the scale rise in the first 5 months there, I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Close to my 6th month there, I had hit 127 lbs. When I saw that number, I didn't cry. I didnt feel anything, actually. I actually felt hopeful, I felt that I'd be able to be happy with my body again. When I met with my therapist, I told her about this, and she was overjoyed. I was finally able to eat at least 2 meals a day without feeling any anxiety or self hatred.

I was in recovery for about a year, but now that's all down the drain. I'm heavily restricting, fasting, counting calories, meal planning, and weighing myself more frequently, exactly how I was when I first developed the disorder. I dont want to get as bad as I once was, but I was happiest with myself at 105, and hopefully, I can get there again, because I honestly miss it. I miss having prominent collarbones, hipbones, ribs, cheekbones, and spine. I miss being able to touch my pinky and thumb around my wrist and still have extra room. I miss having a flat stomach, one that caves in when I lay down, one that I could get a belly button piercing and it actually look good. I miss feeling hot, honestly, I really do. I think the worst part about my ed is that all these people in my life just wanna help and after almost 4 years I can’t even help myself. It’s so much harder to get rid of an eating disorder than most people realize. When I hear stories of people like me being told to just "eat a burger" I get really pissed off. Its not as simple as eating more, you also have to think about the potential anxiety/panic attacks, impulsive exercising, and quite a few other things depending on the person. Honestly, after a while, it becomes so normal that you don’t even realize your disordered eating. The sad thing is, my disorder started developing because of my mother (who I was recently told has both anorexia and bulimia) shoving her own insecurities and self hatred on me, a young, impressionable teen at the time of the initial onset. Anyway, if you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this long ass post. I love you all, stay safe❤

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

MONICA YOU LOVED MANIC TOO??!?!? I'm overjoyed because I've only spoken to one (1) other person who really loved it & I feel so relieved, somehow, that you love it since you're the BEST OF US and what YOU love always gets right to the heart of a thing or a story. ANYWAY. Finally // and I Hate Everybody are my absolute favorites, and don't you think this album is like Ashley's version of Lover??? it's her most honest, and maybe lowest but also sweetest and steadiest album. I'M IN LOVE

YES YES YES YES YES I AM SOOO EXCITED YOU LOVE IT WILL YOU BE MY MANIC BUDDY *SINGS IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND WHO LOVES HALSEY*

also thank you sincerely and seriously so much for the glowing shoutout

#WONDER WOMAN SPEAKS MY HEART AND ALSO THIS IS SURPRISINGLY (?) RELEVANT TO THE ONCOMING STORM OF AN ESSAY

before I go any further I want to inform you I am��drinking hot chocolate and Bailey’s out of my Batman/Catwoman mug and I still have Christmas lights up. This is not relevant to the following essay but I just thought you should know

I should start the essay shouldn’t I

First of all, I LOVE what you say about this being Ashley’s version of Lover. Both are a...finding of self, more or less complete. This isn’t to say that Taylor’s journey is over—she still has a lot of life and song left to fight through and to enjoy—but by the last words of “Daylight,” it seems to me that through all her struggles, she has finally discovered how to be gentle with herself and how to light her world.

I want to be defined by the things I love,

Not the things I hate

Not the things I am afraid of, I’m afraid of,

The things that haunt me in the middle of the

night, I

I just think that you are what you love.

In Lover, through Lover, by Lover, Taylor is whole again in her soul, and being thus whole and free, her future is quietly hopeful—even in the reality of the sorrowful “Soon You’ll Get Better” (which I still cannot listen to because it wounds my heart). I cannot imagine what she will do next, for she has the most expansive possibilities ahead of her.

Going back to Ashley, or Halsey, well, I can say nothing so clear about Manic other than that it aches. It aches because the whole thing is a confession. It is a spilling out of herself, all her hurts and frustrations and failures and most importantly the confusion of it all that lasts till this day and may last many more. Somehow, somewhere, in all this mess, I feel that by the end of the album, Ashley has found a grain of peace. She is still searching, still longing for things she maybe doesn’t even understand, but she understands herself, and, I hope, understands in a small way that it is okay to be in a state of longing and aching and messing up and trying again.

I’m sleepy so I’m not sure I am being coherent or cohesive, forgive me. I’m just going to say a few things about my favorite songs!

“Ashley.” So this wasn’t the first song I listened to, because of the singles released earlier. But how powerful is it that Halsey opens up with her name? There is nothing I like better than an album that tells a story (surprise!) and the instant I saw the track listing, I was shook.

Seems like now it's impossible to work this outI'm so committed to an old ghost townIs it really that strange if I always wanna change?And if only the time and space between us wasn't lonelyI'd disintegrate into a thousand piecesI think I'm making a mistakeBut if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?

This verse—I don’t know if it is just where I am in my own life, but really, who hasn’t felt this strange rending of desires in some capacity. Cling to the past? Leap toward the unknown? I want to live near my parents forever, and see my mom every Sunday like I have for years now. I want to live in a foreign country, or even out near my old college, or heck even live in a city for year or six months, just because it would be an Experience. (Couldn’t live there indefinitely, not this girl who loves endless trees and hills and warm summer night country roads and rustling corn.)

How do we know what to do? How do we decide? What if we get left alone, with no one to comfort and support us? What if we cannot handle the consequences of our choices?

Apart from my beating heartIt's a muscle but it's still not strong enoughTo carry the weight of the choices I've madeI told you I'd ride this outIt's getting harder every day somehowI'm bursting out of myself

LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT IT! I DARE YOU TO SAY THIS IS NOT A UNIVERSAL EMOTION. THIS IS WHAT THE ALBUM WILL BE ABOUT SO IF YOU CANNOT OPEN YOUR HEART AND BE PREPARED TO FEEL EMPATHY AND COMPASSION FOR THE YOUNG WOMAN WHO IS ABOUT TO SPILL HER GUTS TO YOU THEN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

Ahem, I’m sorry, please stay, I don’t actually want you to go. Just sit down and I’ll give you your own hot chocolate. But listen. Ashley is, before anything, a human being. Therefore, she is going to mess up, just the same as any of us, maybe more, maybe less, but that is never going to take away a speck of her intrinsic worth, or the way that God loves her. Her struggles will not obliterate her humanity, but if I ignore her sorrows, her need for something more, her brilliance and strength and longing to love, then I would nigh obliterate my own.

Also, can I just say she has gone through some REALLY hard things in her life, things I couldn’t imagine, and for her to be where she is now—I just want the best for her. Do I agree with everything she does or believes? No. Is my life at all similar to hers? Not really. But I still feel a kinship with her, and it bleeds through in her music.

This is getting away from me isn’t it. I’m just trying to say that Manic struck a chord in my heart that has been reverberating ever since I first perceived it.

Oh gosh it is 12:30, I have to be up at 6. I’m going to fly through a few other songs and then you can message me about the rest or something 😊

“Clementine” has such color, doesn’t it? Also the line about her wondering what it’s like to be the blood in her veins—I love it!

“Graveyard” with the thing you love the most being the detriment—not going to lie, this is a story song for me, it fits into the Gold Rush Silmarillion AU I am co-authoring. Feanor and his own pride, Maedhros and half the people he loves, Fingon and Maedhros—the list could go on.

“You should be sad” and “More” gutted me because I had only just learned she has endometriosis, and has experienced a miscarriage before.

“Forever...(is a long time)”:

It's a nice surprise knowing six feet highWould reach and grab the moon if I should ask

Or just imply that I want you to be more lightSo I could look inside his eyesAnd get the colors just right

And

What am I thinking? What does this mean?How could somebody ever love me?

Self-doubt and questioning one’s ability to be loved ☹

“Without Me” gets stuck in my head and I LOVE IT I SING IT.

Found you when your heart was brokeI filled your cup until it overflowedTook it so far to keep you close (Keep you close)I was afraid to leave you on your own

 Is there anything more painful than giving all of yourself to someone, loving them so much that you do anything to help them heal—and then all they do is hurt you.

“Finally// beautiful stranger” I’m ashamed to say the first time I listened to it I wasn’t paying attention and so I was like eh it’s fine. THEN I LISTENED TO IT AGAIN. WHY IS THIS SONG HALSEY’S “ENCHANTED” (I can probably explain this, but just after I’ve had sleep)

“killing boys” there are a lot of things I could say about this song but the main thing I want to say is if there was a song that is ME regarding the sound of it only, it is this one. When she sings “you don’t need me anymore” and “I don’t need you anymore” OOH IT GETS ME IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Also

Told me pick my battles and be picking 'em wiseBut I wanna pick 'em all and I don't want to decideNo more, no more, anymore

THIS IS THAT TUMBLR THING  “MY MOM LIKES TO TELL ME ‘YOU HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES’ WELL I’M FULL OF RAGE AND I’M PICKING ALL OF THEM”

ALSO ALSO GETTING INTO THE LYRICS THIS IS HER MOVING ON, THIS IS HER DECISIVELY SAYING NO THIS NOT RIGHT THIS IS HARMFUL TO ME I AM DONE. AND FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS EXPRESSED UNCERTAINTY AND DIFFICULTY MAKING DECISIONS, IT SO GOOD TO SEE HER MAKE A HEALTHY CHOICE FOR HERSELF

“Suga’s Interlude:” LOOK YOU LOVE BTS TOO SO I’M SURE YOU KNOW THE STORY OF HOW IT CAME TO BE AND YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT BTS AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH HALSEY BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THE READERS LET ME SUM UP

Halsey did a collaboration with BTS called “Boy with Luv” and it shook the charts and is wonderful and I love it. Not only did they create that song though, but she flew out to South Korea and learned the dance choreography so that she could sing and dance in the song’s music video. This was the beginning of a beautiful, cross-language, cross-cultural friendship that has involved friendship bracelets, churros, a personalized microphone, and mutual teasing.

Anyway, Halsey had been really impressed with BTS member Suga, saying “Yoongi is really introspective and has this really intelligent perspective on where we are and what we are doing in our unique lifestyles.” She also was moved by the hard work and sacrifices he (and his fellow band members) have made. Anyway, she asked Suga to write and sing a song with her. He was initially surprised, saying that he can’t rap in English. Halsey, gem that she is, was like bro, pls rap in Korean, that would be awesome. Pardon me for copying half the lyrics for this song but to me it is pivotal in Manic as a whole:

I’ve been trying all my lifeTo separate the timeIn between the having it allAnd giving it up, yeah...

Here is the conflict and strife that Halsey has dealt with all her life—there is fear of loss there, and also fear of what one has. The power it has over you. The way things might go wrong.

I believe your faith, efforts, beliefs, and greed,are not hideous...Although the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest,Never forget that the stars that you wish for,can only rise within the dark...

Suga reminding himself, Halsey, and us to cling to hope, ragged and worn, even in the most difficult of times. Also—in the face of our insecurities and self-recrimination for the goals we set—he tell us that our deepest parts are valid

If I run endlessly towards the end of the tunnel,what will there beIt’s true, it’s honestly differentfrom the future that I had hoped forBut it doesn’t matter, now it’s a matter of living/survivingIt doesn’t matter what happenedYeah yeah it might bedifferent from the things that you expectedYour living and your loving might changeThat’s true That’s true That’s trueYeah so are you gonna moveWe’re still too youthful and young to hesitateLet’s face it (our lives)...

This, this verse is so important. Look back at the song “Ashley”, particularly the lines I already quoted. Indecision because the fear of what might be, of what failure could do, wrecking her worse than ever, with no one to help her. Indecision because of a nostalgia that might be bitter or softly sad, what was past was at least known. It was good perhaps, it was awful more likely. But it was gotten through. There is no guarantee that Halsey will be able to get through whatever the future holds. But Suga comes in here, having faced struggles similar at their core, and he embodies the Nike slogan. Just DO IT. Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t let yourself drown, stuck in sinking mud. Embrace the unknown. If you let fear hold you back, you are as good as dead. There will be no growth, no hope battling through the dark for something better. You have to MOVE! And maybe you were right, things will never be the same, or the way you want it to be, but MAYBE THE DIFFERENT WILL BE BETTER!!!

Anyway, this section really should have been its own essay, because I’m still not done with it. You may have noticed I have been calling them Halsey and Suga, and the song is indeed called “Suga’s Interlude” but this song is so deep and personal to them both, it feels wrong to use their stage names. This is Ashley speaking, this is Yoongi speaking. Halsey posted a cute, stick figure drawing as artwork for the song, and the two singers are pictured there—and named as Ashley and Yoongi. This song is not just a collaboration by two talented artists, this is a look into the souls of a woman and a man who’ve shed blood, sweat, and tears to become the people they are. This intimacy fits the whole theme of the album so well, I LITERALLY CANNOT

I am so sorry I will move on now. It is 2:00 am. I need to go to bed. I am not. I need to talk about 929.

Well first let me say that “Still Learning” is also super important to the theme of the album.

I know that I've done some wrongBut I'm trying to make it rightDid the one I love do me wrong?Give me up right now

I know that I love you but I'm still learningTo love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)I'm still learning to love myself (to love my, to love my, to love my)

She has made confessions and declarations and sung her frustration, and now she is moving forward. The road may be long and hard, but she is moving forward. I had something else to say but I forgot it sorry.

And NOW

929!!!!

This song miiiiight be my favorite on the album, not sure. My heart trembles and I get chills listening to it, because the music and her voice are so gentle and soothing but the lyrics are essentially a list of moments that have been needles and knives to Ashley, all her fears revealed, that she wasn’t enough then and she isn’t enough now, that the girl with the pink hair lied when she said that everyone needed Ashley. It’s a soft confession, a stream of consciousness, so it was written and so I hear it. And in this moment, how can I not love her? How can I not cry for her, for me, for anyone and everyone who struggles with self-worth, with being wanted, with being loved, with loving, with forgiving self and others?Halsey is flawed, and I just want to give her extra love because of that.

But you know what? I think she is going to be ok.

This is where I want to go back and compare Manic to Lover. There is this knowledge of the self, a kind of peace with who one is. I don’t mean that either Taylor or Ashley have reached their pinnacle of self, but they see themselves a little more clearly, and are not suppressing that knowledge.

929 sounds like water gently pouring out of a pitcher into a basin, and water, properly placed, does not drown but gives life. There is hope by the end of this song, hope despite her difficult life, hope despite the fact that she was never even telling the truth about her time of birth. (That story could be a despairing one, the “I’m a fucking liar” could be the miniscule mistake that breaks her after all the rest of her mistakes, but instead...I don’t know she just sounds kind of amused, like even if she is disappointed or upset about it, there is still this “oh well, whatever, can’t believe that happened lol” to her voice and laughter. She knows who she is now, and there is a better woman she might be, but she is not angry with herself for being who she is, and she will move forward, letting go of her ghost towns and all her fears.

Let me end with a quote about 929: “I just start spilling all of my thoughts about myself and my fans and my family, and I admit so many faults and flaws all in one go. It’s forgiving, however, it ends with the acknowledgment that I am learning and growing, minute by minute.”

Ashley, like Taylor, is making a new start. They have both found a sort of daylight, and though there may always be shadows, I really really hope that they will know mostly sun, and spread it around for others.

ALSO I JUST REALIZED I COULD NOW BE SOMEONE’S MANIC PIXIE DREAMGIRL :D 

*Disclaimer: I AM SO FREAKING TIRED I AM GOING TO BED, THIS WHOLE THING IS ENTIRELY UNEDITED, ALSO I LEFT SOME SONGS OUT OOPS WELL TWO OF THEM I DON’T CARE FOR AS MUCH BUT I THINK I FORGOT 3 AM WHICH I DO  LIKE BUT I AM NOT GOING BACK TO WRITE ABOUT IT NOW. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE RAMBLING MESS AND LACK OF ELOQUENCE BUT HERE WE BE THIS IS WHAT YOU GET HOPE IT MADE YOU SMILE

[ngmn2002]

thank you for writing so much in response! It's exciting to see that someone else has so much to day about Wizard Tsukasa...

Your posts always sound like you are thinking a lot and enjoying yourself, which is very enjoyable to read. You're a very positive person!

Do you write fic often? Do you enjoy writing stories?

Oh, hello there again!

Well, you're very welcome. I'm always overjoyed and happy when writing about Tsukasa. I love all his sides. He is perfect and amazing to me. So, if you have any further questions about him or the story in general, feel free to ask me any time. Although you would probably find me more of an expert when it comes to Tsukasa. ^^

And I'm so glad my response was to your liking and you seem to enjoy it so much. This makes me so happy.

And let me tell you a little secret, when things get connected to Tsukasa, I always get carried way and find myself writing so much about him. He is so interesting and fascinating to me. Don't you think so as well?

And yes, I go through a lot of thinking while making some of my posts. Thanks for noticing. I'm a little fluttered now. I'm happy you enjoy my posts. This means a lot to me. I hope you will like my future posts as well and will still see them as enjoyable.

And as you said, I also enjoy writing my posts as well. It's so much fun. Especially when they revolve around… I won't say who. You should guess, Anon. ^^

You see me as a very positive person? Thank you so much! now I don't know what to say. Well, I think I kinda am, If you say so. Hehe. You will always be so happy and positive when doing something you like. Don't you think so as well?

Hmm. I love writing fic. And yes, I do enjoy writing stories. It's a hobby of mine, although I'm still working to get better because I still don't think I'm that good. I wrote some other stories about Tsukasa here as well before. ^^

And oh, I'm glad you found my writing good? I hope you did.

I wrote a story about Tsukasa following the manga, as you see here. It has 4 parts for now. I will leave the link to the first one here If you would like to check it out. The other parts should be in my page as well if you wanted to read them as well.

Maybe -if you want of course- you can tell me your thoughts on them if you did read them. ^^

I'm currently working on other stories about Tsukasa as well, I may post them here someday.

And again, feel free to ask me to write a one shot about Tsukasa or the twins if you want. I enjoy that so much and I won't mind at all.

Now, I have to thank you for being a nice person as well, Anon.

I really had so much fun while answering your questions and enjoyed them a lot.

Thank you for your lovely questions.

Have a good day / night, Anon!