#i'm on easy difficulty but still he's not got close to dying yet

[spinnysocks]

age six is insane 😭

[bunnyhani]

Take A Deep Breath

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Genre: Fluff and angst

Warnings: Panic attacks!

Summary: You've started getting these attacks, where breathing was difficult, your body shaking and sweating. You're very afraid and concerned, who wouldn't be. You have no idea what could be wrong with you. For some reason, you thought that it was a good idea to hide this piece of information from your boyfriend, Chan. But what if Chan had the solution for your problem?

--------

When it happened for the first time, you were so afraid. And you didn't know what was wrong at all. They became more regular, mostly happening during the late hours of the dark nights. Yet you still kept quiet. You really didn't want to bother your busy idol boyfriend, Chan. He had 8 other people to look after, you didn't want to add anything more to his already full plate. Only your best friend and mom knew about this. If only you would have known that it would've been a whole lot wiser to just talk about it with Chan...

Your undereyes just kept getting darker and darker. You weren't sleeping much at all, these weird breathing difficulties keeping you up at night. You might be wondering, that why didn't you just ignore it and sleep? Well... Easy answer: these breathing difficulties caused you feeling like you were choking, like there was something in your throat, blocking your breathing. Yet when your mom had monitored your breathing during when you were over at her house, visiting her, she said that nothing sounded out of ordinary, except your slightly shaky breathing. It only caused more worries and you began questioning your sanity. During those "attacks" as you called them, you were afraid of dying. You felt like you were out of your mind, your hands and whole being shaking and you were sweating. And you really thought that you might be dying. Your mom was very worried, so was your besg friend. Anyone would be.

You hadn't seen Chan in a few weeks, you of course kept in touch by calling each other and texting. You had some Facetime calls too, but you rather avoided those. Going on a Facetime call usually meant that you had to hide your darkening eyecircels (which were already porminent, thanks to your genetics) and pull a tired smile on your face. That didn't take too much effort, when you saw Chan. A smile would automatically frame your face when you were with him. But hiding this from him felt wrong, but you didn't want to say anything. You didn't have any explanations of what was going on so why would you honestly bother your boyfriend's head too? One night you got a text from Chan, saying that he would be visiting you soon, since they were getting a break. A small one, but you still took it. If it meant spending some time with him, of course. A smile already tugged at your lips. You bit your lip and then smiled gently. You still worried. What about your attacks? Should you talk about them with him? Yes, you definitely should. You started tidying up your apartment in hopes that it would look a bit more presentable. You knew that Chan didn't mind, if there was a small mess, but you still did it anyways.

Before you knew it, the day that Chan was visiting you, arrived. You still got the attacks, but they were easing up a bit. You didn't get one last night, which you considered a win. But at the same time, you knew that it could creep on you during the day then. And that honestly scared you. I really didn't want Chan to see you in that state. He himself would probably panic too. Those thoughts caused you even more anxiety. You truly wished that everything would go fine and you could breathe today. 'Please, body stop for today. Don't come at day, when Chan is here. The least you could do is to come at night', you begged in head, when your dear boyfriend knocked on the door. You ignored your hammering heart in your chest and answered the door. Chan was there, eyes tired but his full lips stretched into a beautiful, bright smile that made your breath hitch and mind blank. Before you even knew it, you were smiling back at him as he wrapped his arns around you eagerly. His body pressed against yours and you could feel his warm breath on your neck. You shivered a bit, but still returned the hug wholeheartedly. You breathed Chan's scent in and you felt so safe. You tucked your head closer to Chan's neck to press your cold nose agaisnt it. Chan whined at the coldness, but refused to let you go.

"Chan, we should get in. The cold is going to get inside", you coaxed, the only response you got back was a sulky 'no.' You chuckled and with that, you two awkwardly waddled together inside, closing the door behind you, not letting go of each other.

You could tell, that Chan was tired. Even your tired brains understood as much. But Chan kept smiling, talking energetically. You honestly had no idea who on earth was he still standing and talking with so much energy. You just felt like sleeping. You yawned for the third time in the span of 15 minutes and Chan glanced at you worriedly.

"Are you okay? Have you been sleeping?" He asked, now actually taking in your appearance. Your body didn't look like it had changed, not lost or gained weight. But your eyes seemed so tired, skin a bit dull and he could see your makeup creasing a bit on the corner of your eyes. Wait... Makeup? You usually never wore makeup, you didn't have much knowlodge on it and you just didn't want to go trough the trouble of putting it on. Chan looked closer and saw that you didn't seem to have any foundation, just covered your eyes. That got him thinking. He knew that you struggled with insomnia quite often, but had it got out of hand? Or was something keeping you up at night?

"Yes, I'm ok. I'm just tired. I've working hard with my school work, you know the usual", you easily gave a reply. It came out so easily, since it wasn't a lie. You truly were busy with school work, but you just had left out an important detail. Chan didn't need to know that though. Your boyfriend nodded in understanding, but you could visibly see the wheels turning in his head, as he racked his mind of any other possible reasons why weren't you sleeping properly.

"Chan... Don't worry ok. I got this. I'm okay", now you were just flat out lying. Again, Chan didn't need to know. Chan nodded, uncertainly but decided to let it go. For now.

The day went on, the converstation seemingly forgotten (it wasn't) and you two just enjoyed company. Neither of you wanted to do anything spontaneous, both feeling a bit dazed by sleep. So you settled with the next best thing: talking. You coudln't comprehend how much and for how long you two could just talk. At one point, you and Chan had been sitting in the kitchen, drinking some tea and talking about everything that you could possibly think of, while gazing each other fondly. Then when tea was all finished, you moved to the living room. You cuddled on the couch, wrapped around each other. You were just talking about something funny, that happened with your friends two days back. You were interrupted by Chan. Chan had just looked at you and he couldn't believe that he could call you his. With that thought, he leaned over and placed a gentle kiss to your lips. You immediately stopped talking and for a moment you didn't even move. However, when you did finally understand that Chan was actually kissing you, you did respond. You brought your cold hands to his neck, he shuddered at the temperature change, but didn't pull away. He deepened the kiss and lifted himself so that he was hovering over your body. He leaned himself down even more, muscles twitching as he held himself up from possibly crushing you.

He pulled away breathlessly. The lack of air made you immediately think of your attacks and you discreetly took a deep breath to test that were you able to breathe. You were and your eyes quickly flickered up to meet Chan's eyes, when you felt his breath hit your face. He was looking at you again in concern. He opened his mouth to say something, you just leaved over to him, putting your hands on his chest, then pushing him gently to lay down on the couch, on his back. He looked so confused. You straddled his hips and just looked at him. He was just so beautiful. You simply loved everything about him; his curly hair, his lips, his expressive eyes, his voice... Everything. Chan was looking up at you, expectantly. You smiled softly, lowered yourself that you were laying on top of him. You pressed your head against his chest and listened to his heart beat. He sighed contently and wrapped his arms around you. This time, no words were exhanged. You just were silent, enjoying each other's presence.

The next time when one of you spoke, it was getting late. Chan poked at your shoulder gently to get your attention. You turned your head to look at him questionably. He smiled at your slightly confused, yet expectant face.

"Would you mind if I'll stay over at your house today? I forgot to mention that I can stay over and it's getting a bit late", he explained, with a sheepish smile playing on his lips. You smiled. Of course you wanted to spend the night with. You coudln't even remember the last time you had slept in his arms. The whole idea seemed so tempting. So you said yes. Chan smiled brightly and pecked your lips. You decided to get ready for bed, like Chan had said, it was getting late. You both were excited to sleep and get some well deserved rest.

Chan and you slipped into your bed and lied there comfortably. Again, you talked about everything. Talking with Chan was one of the most comfortable things you could do. But when Chan fell asleep, you were alone with your thoughts. You tried to shake them off and closed your eyes, trying to sleep. You didn't even know for how long you lied there, awake and the block in your throat felt suffocating. Your breathing started to feel difficult, your body started trembling and sweating. You were painfully gasping for oxygen, but it felt like you just weren't getting enough. You clumsily scrambled off of the bed and stumbled to your bathroom. You locked the door and slid down against the wall. You pulled at your hair helplessly as you tried to breathe. 'Am I going to die?' You asked, as you felt like you were about to lose your mind. Tears started fall from your eyes and panicked feeling inside scared you even more. By now you were sobbing, gasping and panting. You gribbed your throat desperately and squeezed your eyes shut. You heard footsteps on the hallway, you covered your mouth, but your gasps were still were loud. Then there was frantic knocking on the bathroom door and you heard Chan call out to you. You coudln't focus on that at all. As much as you wanted to get up and open the door for him, you physically couldn't. You didn't know how much time passed, it felt like hours while it could have been just 3 minutes, but the bathroom door was thrown open. Chan hurried inside and fell to his knees in front of you.

"Oh my God... Y/N, what's wrong?" He asked as he tried to get your attention. His eyes were wide, his shoulders were shaking from the adrenaline, as he had just woken up.

"I-I... I can't breathe! I'm.. So scared!" You finally managed to stutter out with difficulty. Chan quickly observed your state and it finally clicked. He calmed down, when he realized that you were not in danger and asked in a calm voice:

"Can I touch you?" You took some time process the words, but when you did, you nodded hastily. Chan took a hold of your shoulders and said:

"You are okay, Y/N. You are not dying or choking. I need you to inhale, through your nose for 4 seconds, hold it for 5 seconds and exhale for seven seconds through your mouth. Come on, start with me." You did as he told, but you questioned it. How could a breathing exercise help you now. Chan encouraged you and praised you for doing so well. If you panicked again, he reminded that he was there and that you weren't alone, while keeping his hands on your shoulders without making you feel suffocated. To your surprise, your breathing slowly but surely became easier and the block in your throat decreased. Your body didn't stop shaking and yiu were still sweating, but your mind wasn't clouded by panic anymore and you could finally focus.

When your breathing finally normalized, you were exhausted. You leaned your head tiredly against your wall's cold tiles as you savored the feeling of being able to breathe normally again, without any suffocating feeling in your throat. For a moment, you forgot that Chan was even there.

"Are you okay now? Can you breathe?" Chan asked, breaking the silence and you jumped at the sound of his voice. He was silent, while waiting for your reply.

"Yeah... Thank you. How did you know that a breathing exercise would help?" You asked, while fiddling with the hem of your fluffy nightdress.

"Because... It seemed like you were having a panic attack and breathing exercises help get you through them", he replied. You felt your jaw drop open.

"These... These are panic attacks? These two weeks that I've been having these were panic attacks? How on earth I didn't realize this before? I've helped my friends with these yet-", you cut of your ranting and leaned your head against your knees. Now that you thought about it, you remembered every symptom. Almost all of them matched with yours. How could you've been so stupid?

"You've had these for two weeks? How often? Why didn't you tell me?" Chan asked, expression now between hurt and concerned. You bit your lip, but refused to lift your head up.

"I started getting these out of nowhere two weeks ago. I was staying at Jisoo's place and I got this.. Panic attack. We just thought that it was because of the cat. But then... I started getting these every night. If I didn't get one at night, I got one during the day", you said. Your shoulders didn't feel as heavy anymore, but then guilt started pressing on. You heard Chan sidling closer to you and he tapped gently on your head. You lifted your head shamefully and met his gaze. He started stroking your cheeks with his thumb, his hand supporting the weight of your head. You leaned your head against his hand and let yourself just stare at your boyfriend.

"Is this what's been keeping you up at night?" He asked. You just nodded in reply and Chan let his eyes sweep over your face again. Now that the makeup was off, he could see how dark your undereyes had become. He wasn't even surprised. After all, you hadn't slept properly in two weeks.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He whispered. You lowered your eyes to the floor and whispered a reply:

"I didn't want to bother you. You have so much on your mind already!" Chan shook his head.

"You're never a bother. Never. What gave such an idea?" He asked, while his other hand started carding through your hair ever so softly.

"I just felt like it. I mean... What was I supposed to say? I didn't even know what was wrong with me", you responded helpessly. You gribbed Chan's arm and stared at his brown eyes. Chan sighed, but nodded. He understood. Of course he did.

"Well... What is done is done now. But if you ever get any kind of troubles, please tell me. I want to help you. You're still my girlfriend", he said and kissed your temple. You nodded, without saying anything. You glanced at his eyes lips and leaned forward to kiss his lips softly. After the short kiss, you leaned your forehead against his, your breaths mixing together.

"Thank you."