#i'm not even kidding i feel like i've seen this dynamic before in my high school days

[thewhizzyhead]

you know the more I think about it, the more I think the scene before "If I Loved You" is steph's um silly roundabout attempt to more solidly confirm if Pete could be into her (and have him admit it and make a move already) after like I dunno many other of her attempts in flirting with Pete and asking him out, and then IMMEDIATELY backtracking into "pft I'm a bad bitch I would NEVER go out with a GEEK like you like I need a REAL man pfft" mode in "If I Loved You" after Pete seems to deny him ever wanting to go out with Steph - even though he actually never fucking denies it LIKE HE LEGIT NEVER DOES BOTH IN DIALOGUE AND IN SONG LIKE "who says i wanna go on a date with you anyways?", says pete in a defensive tone with folded arms while looking away from steph after she called him out for not asking her out yet like holy fuck I find this hilariously cute and somehow extremely fucking accurate for teen couples that share this stubbornly defensive i-refuse-to-admit-shit dynamic

[ienjoywritingfilth]

The night of the Concert

K I’m new here but I hope you like this even though it’s just filthy and horny and I like it like that. Maybe you will too.

pairing: dbf!Joel x fem!reader

trope Best Friend's Dad! Joel Miller

summary: your bf breaks your heart and you turn to the only person you can. It happens to be Joel Miller, your best friend Sarah's dad.

warnings: age gap (reader is late 20s, joel late 40s), dubcon, oral, infidelity, p in v, absolutely filthy talk, daddy mentioned, other shit but I've forgotten.

word count: 4.3k

The day is warm and the fan spinning next to you isn't doing much to help. You and Sarah are seated on her couch, you cross legged with her foot in your lap as you paint her toenails a vivid green. 

"I think he's gonna ask me to be his girlfriend," you say with a giggle as Sarah's eyes widen. 

"Really? Holy shit that's huge," Sarah says, watching as you swipe the green Polish onto her remaining nails. "He hasn't been serious about anyone since Mariana."

Mariana is your boyfriend Jeremy's ex girlfriend. A beautiful woman with high ambitions. You can't stand her and go to great lengths to avoid her when you see her on campus. 

Sarah is your best friend of several years, ever since your first day at college when you'd both been lost on your way to Chemistry. She's the reason you're with Jeremy in the first place. She's seen you through final exams, bad frat parties and your first college boyfriend. 

"You two will have the cutest babies!" Sarah says dramatically as you wave her off. 

"Gross. I'm only twenty-two, dude."

Sarah shrugs. 

"At least when you have kids you'll have a better reason to call him daddy."

The two of you bust out into braying laughter, so loud and for so long that when her dad comes in from the backyard he's grinning at the two of you. 

"What're you two gigglin' about for so long over there?"

Sarah's dad Joel Miller is about the nicest man you've ever met. Respectful, loving, patient and funny. You love being over at their house because you love seeing such a healthy familial dynamic at work. It's no wonder Sarah is so happy all the time. You envy that. 

"Nothing dad!" Sarah says, still wiping the tears from her eyes as the two of you continue to giggle.

"Yeah, nothing," you add, holding a pillow to your face to hide the laughter. 

"Okay, well the burgers are on the grill, jokesters. Can you get your mom? Think she's upstairs in the office."

Sarah nods, pushing off the couch and heading upstairs. 

"You staying for dinner, darlin'?" Joel asks you politely from the kitchen. 

"If you and Mrs Miller don't mind," you nod, coming to walk into the kitchen. 

You don't want to go home tonight. Your parents work long hours and the house is often empty. You're often here at the Millers place, eating dinner, studying, just hanging out. They always treat you well and always invite you to stay for meals. 

"We never mind," Joel insists as he mixes up the salad. "We only mind when you call us Mister and Mrs Miller. Makes us feel old."

"You're not old," you insist with an eye roll as you absently play with one of the edges of the decorative napkins. 

"Tell that to my knees." 

You laugh at that, turning to see Sarah and her mom Angela entering. Angela wraps you in a side hug and asks about school as the four of you gather around the dinner table. 

"I'll be glad when exams are over," you say with a roll of your eyes. "They stress me out so bad." 

"You say that and you always get top marks," Sarah says as she adds the tomato to her bun. "I bet you got an A+ on your last exam." 

"Yeah," you nod shyly as you add ketchup to your plate.  

"Your parents must be mighty proud," Joel offers before a sip of beer. Angela nods in agreement. 

"Yeah, your daddy must be so proud of you," Sarah drawls as she plates her salad, winking at you. 

The Miller parents look confusedly to one another when you and Sarah can't stop giggling.

----------

Date night with Jeremy! Dress with the stripes or the jeans? Where is he taking you? Ice cream and walk on the beach.   Sundress with the polka dots!!!!!  You're a genius Sarah Miller. I owe you big time Just pay me back by making me maid of honor at your wedding What are you up to tonight?   I'm taking my mom to see the Bangles for her birthday.  Awwww. Have fun! 

You toss your phone onto your daisy-patterned coverlet and stretch. It's a beautiful Sunday afternoon and you're in the best mood. 

You take a shower, slipping into the sundress Sarah recommended. As you do your hair and makeup in front of your mirror you fantasize about what awaits you this evening with your boyfriend Jeremy. 

You've been seeing him for three months now and he's always a gentleman, always taking you for thoughtful dates. Sarah introduced you as they're both in the same Philosophy class. Sexually he's just a little too eager, too quick. There's a lot to be improved, but you're happy to keep learning together. He's so handsome and smart. You love how he looks in his glasses when he's pouring over a textbook. 

A few hours later you’re showered, smelling delicious and wearing your shortest dress. You spin in front of your mirror before affixing a delicate lace bow to the back of your hair. You feel beautiful and you sigh dreamily.

Your phone beeps and you glance down to see Jeremy’s sent you a message. You smile to yourself, swiping up and reading the text.

Hey I'm sorry I don't think this is gonna work out. My ex and I have been messaging the last little bit and we're gonna give it another shot. I just wanted to be up front with you. 

You read the text over and over several times. It takes you that long to understand what’s happening. When you do you call Sarah, but it goes straight to voicemail. Over and over. You’re panicked, tears sliding down your face. You need to see her. You need comfort.

---------------------------

You arrive at the Miller home shortly after eight, pounding on the door as you sob. You’re surprised when Joel answers the door in jeans and a t-shirt, looking like he’s just woke up from a nap with bleary eyes and his hair mussed.

“Fuck, I’m sorry to wake you up Mr. Miller,” you sniff, wiping at your wet eyes. “Is Sarah here? It’s important?”

“Are you okay?”

He must see the frantic way you’re looking around or the tears that stain your cheeks.

“Jeremy broke up with me,” you tell him without hesitation.

"I'm so sorry," Joel grimaces, rubbing at the back of his neck and the clear display of discomfort. "Fuck I wish Sarah was here for you, or even Angela. But they’re at that concert tonight."

That's right, the Bangles. 

"Fuck I'm so sorry I forgot," you say shaking your head. "I'll leave-"

"Hold on now, I'm not sure it's a great idea for you to be driving right now," Joel insists. "Why don't you come in for a glass a water and a chance to calm down a bit?"

Under normal circumstances, you would be embarrassed at taking up his time. But considering how emotionally wrung out you are right now, you simply nod and follow after him like a sad puppy. 

He sits you on the couch and joins you moments later, passing you a glass of water. You drink it shakily as Joel smooths hair hair, watching you all the while.

“I feel so embarrassed,” you tell him once the glass is drained. “Acting crazy.”

“I know what heartbreak feels like,” Joel confesses. “It can make you crazy.”

You smile shallowly and nod at him before looking at your lap. “I’m a fucking idiot for thinking he was into me.”

"That's nonsense," Joel insists, taking your chin in between his thumb and index finger. 

"It's true," you say with your voice wobbling. "I thought he loved me," 

You whimper, tears falling down your cheeks. You're surprised when Joel pulls you into his sturdy arms. 

"Aw honey," Joel says holding you and rocking you gently.

One large hand goes to cradle the back of your skull, the other around your waist. You dissolve into tears as you say the last word and Joel holds you tighter. You bring your arms up around his neck, holding him as you cry, feeling safe and protected in his muscled grip. 

"It's gonna be okay." 

"Why do people always say that? It's not going to be okay!"

You pull away from Joel sharply, burying your face in your hands. You feel as Joel's body comes to shuffle next to yours, the cushions dipping as he moves until you're thighs touch. 

"Honey---"

"Nothing is going to be okay again," you whimper, turning to face your friend’s father. Joel looks so anguished for you, his hand coming to cup your cheek gently. 

"I know it seems like that now but I promise you there's lots of men out there."

"None like Jeremy." Your face crumbles. "None that will love me like him."

Now it's you who throws yourself into Joel's arms, burying your face in his shoulder as you cry. He rocks you slowly, petting your hair as you tears soak his flannel. 

"He ain't the only guy in the world." 

"He was special. He thought I was beautiful."

"You are," Joel insists at your jaw, still rocking you gently. "You're so fucking beautiful and don't you forget it." 

His words rumble through his chest and you can't help but feel your body soften at them. You didn't realize how much you needed to hear them until right this moment. 

"Thank you Joel," you sniffle, kissing his cheek gently without thinking. 

You feel him stiffen a moment, registering what's just happened. But he doesn't pull away. He keeps holding you, arms tight. 

And the sting of Jeremy's rejection seems to dim. With Joel's arms wrapped around you it's almost like he's shielding you from all that. It makes you feel grateful, and it's not long before you’re overtaken with emotion. 

"Thank you for everything," you breathe against his jaw. "You're so understanding."

"Not a problem," Joel says in a thick voice. 

And suddenly something in the air changes as Joel loosens you in his grip. A quiet hum, a vibration, starting between the two of you. Your hand is on his hip now, mouth tilting towards his face. You see his dark eyes dart from your eyes to your mouth and back again. 

"You're always so kind to me," you whisper, not breaking his gaze. Joel's breathing deepens and you feel all resolve leave you. 

Your mouth goes to his, tentative and gentle and you attempt to kiss him. He immediately pulls back from you, eyes wide. 

"Hey whoa," he says, pushing you gently back by the shoulder. "What're you doin'?"

You don't answer. Instead your hands trail down his stomach, tripping over his belt and coming to slide over the growing bulge between his legs. 

"Something that we both want, I think." 

He hisses at the contact, trying to jerk out of your touch. 

"I don't," Joel says quickly. But he doesn't pull your hand off of where they rest over his jeans. 

You don't know if it's the rejection from Jeremy or because you're doing something so wrong, but you can't stop wanting to touch Joel. There's something intense about this grown man getting red in the face, his breathing quickening as he allows you hand to gently massage him through his pants. 

"You deserve to feel good, Joel," you whisper as your hand goes to his zipper. "Let me make you feel good."

Joel makes a murmur of protest as he watches your fingers dragging the zipper down. He seems shocked, as if his body won't obey his brain. He makes a noise of protest when you slide your hand underneath his boxers, feeling his cock twitch. 

Joel flinches when your fingertips slip under the band of his boxers and graze his bare cock. He knows it's wrong when you wrap those same fingers around his shaft, but he's so fucking hard. He can't remember the last time he was this hard.

"You gotta---" he starts, but the rest of his sentence becomes a tight hiss as you you take him out of his pants. You marvel at the size of him, your fingers unable to meet at the base when you pull him free of his boxers.

"So big."

Joel watches you gaze at his cock, muffling a groan as you tilt forward and let a bead of if saliva drop from your mouth onto the head of his twitching cock. When you give a short stroke down, coating him in your saliva he feels he has to say something. 

"I'm married," he says weakly.

"Shhh," you murmur against his bearded cheek. "Let me do this for you."

You make a whimpering groan at the sight of him, thick and the weeping. 

"Honey, I---" He's leaning back into the couch almost like he's trying to stop what's happening. 

"Shhhh," you soothe against his jaw once more. "Just enjoy it."

Your hand begins to stroke up his shaft, using his copious pre-cum to glide. He growls lowly, hips sliding back and forth. 

"Such a big cock," you murmur, watching your hand slide up his girthy length. Joel makes a strangled noise before breathing deeply. His gaze is locked on your hand watching it delicately slide along his straining cock.

Use your mouth. Use your fucking mouth. 

He hates that this thought comes to him as he watches his daughters college friend jerk him off. Hates that this will be played on loop in his mind for years to come. Hates that his marriage of twenty three years is about to be flushed away for twenty minutes of pleasure. 

But he doesn't hate it enough to stop. 

"This...Mmmm... Shouldn't be doing this," Joel groans. You squeeze the tip and his head falls back against the sofa. "Fuck, you gotta stop-"

But even as he says this, Joel's hips are jutting forward, urging your palm to slide over his length over and over. 

"You're such a good man, Joel. You deserve this," you murmur against his ear, tongue coming to gently trace the lobe. "You deserve to feel good." 

Joel watches your thumb circle the rosy head of his cock and he shudders. Pre-cum starts at the tip, beading there enticingly. 

"You deserve to come," your warm breath fans against his neck. "Don't you?"

His head jerks back against the couch, eyes slamming shut as his cock twitches in your hand. You can see him relenting, his body twitching. 

"I shouldn't be doing this," Joel pants, thrusting his cock between your fingers. 

"You should.” Your mouth begins sponging kisses to the underside of his jaw. "Keep going. Lemme make you come." 

Your wrist snaps as you jerk him off faster, the wet sounds of his flesh turning you on even more. You wonder if he'll fuck you if you try to mount him. 

"This is so fuckin' wrong," Joel pants, his hips thrusting harshly against your palm. He's grunting, his hips off the couch as he fucks into your hands. 

He's just saying words, no thought behind them. It's wrong but he doesn't fucking care. All he cares about is the steadily building orgasm that you're bringing forth with every twist of your wrist. 

Your eyes are fixed on his face, watching as Joel's mouth goes slack and his eyes crack open, trained on your hand around his cock. 

"Want more, Joel?" You purr against his jaw. "My mouth?" 

Joel breathes shallowly, eyes going from his cock to your mouth over and over. 

Your hand slides quicker and Joel gives a strangled groan when your head lowers. You tilt your face, meeting his gaze as your tongue comes out to lick the head of his cock long and slow. Joel nearly jumps out of his skin. 

"Fuck," Joel grunts, his cock twitching. He breathes shakily before his eyes seem to darken. "Do it again."

You flick your tongue against the mushroom head before suckling gently at the tip. Joel's eyes roll back as you do this, tasting the sweet tang of his precum.  

You pull off, lower lip grazing the head of his bobbing length. You watch as he grits his teeth and his eyes find yours. 

"You wanna fuck my mouth, Joel?"

It's like he remembers who you are and what this is because you see regret cross his features. 

"N-no," Joel grits out with a wild flail of his head. "Gone far enough. This is---"

He's denying it, trying so hard to move back from you but you know he's close, the head of his cock is mauve and it twitches in your grip.  

"Would feel so good," you croon, tongue starting to circle the bulbous head once more. Joel is groaning, his hands in tight fists at his side. "I know you wanna fuck my mouth."

Joel is trying so hard not to give in. He tries to remind himself that you're his daughter’s friend, that he's happily married, that he isn't this kind of guy. But you’re so fucking sexy right now, desperate for his cock in a way his wife hasn't been for years. 

You swallow the first inch of him and he groans low and loud, his hips twitching. You pull him out slowly before you glance up at him, the throbbing head of his cock slick against your wet lower lip. 

"When's the last time you fucked someone's mouth, Joel?" You tease, and he sees the mirth in your eyes when he all but whimpers in reply. 

Joel's head is thrown back, a ragged sigh escaping him. He shouldn't want this, he shouldn't let you keep going.  

But then you take the length of him in your mouth, almost gagging at the thickness of him, and all coherent thought leaves him. 

You bob up and down on his length, eyes closing in bliss. Joel is carding his hands through your hair as you suck him off. 

"Fuck, take it deeper," he rumbles, and you feel his large palm on the back of your head, pushing. "Swallow it." 

"Yeash shur," you manage through a mouthful of cock.  

Joel can't hold back, he starts to thrust up into your throat, grunting as he fucks it. You hold onto his thighs, eyes watering as the bulbous head slips further and further. 

When you sputter you feel Joel come back to himself, gripping you by the back of your heck and pulling you off of him. You whine in protest as you sit back up, the sight of Joel's hard cock, still glossy with your saliva between you. 

“You need to stop.”

Joel watches transfixed as go to a stand beside the couch between his parted legs. He makes a sound almost pained as he watches you slide your fingers under your dress, tugging down and stepping out of your lace panties.

He just stays rigid when you crawl into his lap. You slide your wet slit along his cock, feeling as sharp huffs of air escape him. You feel heavy with power, your mouth going to his ear. 

"When's the last time you fucked college pussy, Joel?"

You smile when you hear the strangled sound escape him. You can see he's soaked with pre-cum, a shiny sticky collection wetting the coarse hairs at the base of his shaft. His eyes are stuck on the seam of your pussy teasing the head of his cock.

"It's okay to like it," you promise him. "It's okay to want this."

"I wanna put it in," Joel grunts. 

Your mouth is at his ear, warm and husky.

“Put it in.”

Joel groans and you feel his thick fingers start to squeeze your hips. He's not inside you yet, but he's so thick and warm against your pussy lips. He’s hypnotized, urging your pussy down, desperate to feed his cock into you.

“I need it," he whispers in a daze.

"You can have it," you encourage, breathlessly as you watch him grip his cock and guide it to your waiting hole.

"This is so fucking bad," Joel groans, half aroused, half disgusted with himself as he begins to feed his cock into your twitching pussy.  

You grin, fingers digging into his shoulders when the bulbous head breeches your entrance.

“Tell me to stop,” he almost begs but you shake your head.

“You deserve this,” you say. “Deserve to fuck my tight pussy.”

You’re married. You have a kid. This is fucking wrong.

All those worries are gone the second the head of his cock feels the velvet clench of your cunt. He can’t look away from where you’re both connected. Without warning he sheaths himself deeply, watching your brows crumple as you take him to the hilt. Joel watches your pussy swallowing his cock, knowing how fucking wrong it is and hating how he has no intention of stopping.

"I fuckin’ deserve this," he pants out, watching your tits bounce as you slide along his length. You ride him well, experienced, full of energy. He can’t remember the last time Angela rode him like this, like his cock was everything.

“Yes you fucking do,” you groan out, bouncing in his lap. He grips you tightly, fucking into you like you’re a human flesh-light.

He does deserve this. He works hard, he’s a good father, a loving husband. He’s never done anything like this before. Would never dream of fucking a girl who’s been over at his house for months, who’s never appealed to him like this until this very moment. A girl who’s tits jump with every thrust of his cock, whose wet mouth forms a lurid ‘O’ when he hits a particularly good spot. He deserves to have you ride him here in his house, a desperate, needy fuck.

Joel feels everything in him tightening as he watches you peel the dress off your body, tossing it over your shoulder and he sees you’ve forgone a bra this evening, letting the rhythmic slap of his cock up into you make them jiggle enticingly. You sit there naked, riding his cock with no shame or hesitation.

“You feel so good,” you tell him through a groan, your eyes falling shut.

He feels his balls contract when you start to cup your breasts, pinching the nipples as your head falls back. Joel can’t help but dart forward, latching onto your breast and laving at the taut nipple. You moan as he continues to fuck you, pausing when he grips your wrist.

“Make yourself cum,” He orders, forcing your hand between your legs. “Soak me.”

You nod doing as he says, rubbing your swollen clit for barely any time at all before you shuddering.

“Gonna cum,” you moan, head tilting back once more.

Your hands fly behind you, gripping onto his knees. Joel can see everything, see’s how your clit rubs against his shaft and your thighs shake.

"Fuckin' do it sweetheart," he croaks. "Fuckin' soak my cock."

He holds your hips again, entranced at how you slide up and down him, your arousal seeping down into the curled hairs at the base of his cock as you cum. He watches all of this in amazement, his breathing shallow and rapid.

You pull yourself back, your pussy fucking drenched as you slowly continue to pump yourself up and down on him. He’s still so hard, aching and desperate for release. He casts a feral smile at you.

“Keep fuckin’ yourself on it,” he tells you.

 You nod and he watches your plump mouth curl into a smile.

"You wanna fuck me full of your cum, daddy?"  

Without warning Joel suddenly goes rigid.

You think he's going to come but instead he's red-faced and gripping your waist. He pulls you off of him, his cock still hard and throbbing, slick from your earlier release. He shakes his head, panting.

"Fuck. No. We gotta stop."

"But---"

"This ain't right," Joel insists, tucking himself still hard back into his jeans with shaking fingers as you arch up. 

"But I want to."

"And if you keep going I'm not gonna be able to stop you," Joel lets out a shaky laugh, unsmiling as he tilts down to grab your dress. He passes it to you politely averting his eyes; as if this belated gesture means anything after all he’s done and seen. You frown.  

"Joel."

"I'm married and you're Sarah's friend. If that wasn't enough, I'm also two decades older than you."

"I like older men," you insist, trying to swing your thigh over his. Joel stops you, hand pressing you back gently. 

"You're too young to know what you want," Joel says sharply. 

"That's not true."

Joel surveys your face for a moment, concern softening the edges of his expression. 

"You just got dumped by the boy you love. You’re not thinking properly."

"No," you shake your head. "That's not it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," you say, hands reaching for his zipper again. "I just want this."

Joel shakes his head gently, fingers gripping your wrist and pulling you off of him firmly. 

"Honey you gotta stop," he says, taking your hand and placing it back in your lap. "This ain't you." 

You don't like how Joel is looking at you, like he's peeling your skin from your body, peering in to see what he shouldn't. 

"I could make you feel so good," you promise him, hand coming to palm him through his jeans once more. "Our little secret."

You see his resolve waver before his hand grabs your wrist, pulling you off of him.  He's looking at you with concern, with compassion. With pity. It makes the sting of his rejection more potent. You pull on your dress now, feeling the first pangs of humiliation starting.

"You need to go, honey. Right now." 

Now that the moment is sobering you feel a flash of panic.

"Are you gonna tell Sarah?"

"No." Joel shakes his head. "I'm not gonna tell anyone. But I think maybe you shouldn't come around here for the next little bit." 

"I understand," you say staggering to a stand. He walks you to the door in awkward silence. He opens the door and then he finally speaks.

"You are a beautiful, smart woman. Don't let one idiot make you forget." 

You eyes grow misty and you give a shallow nod before turning. 

"Thank you, Joel."

[strangecloud]

I mean no hate or disrespect when I say that Fallout 4 has what is probably the worst story I've seen in a videogame.

I want to preface this with the fact that I enjoy Fallout 4. That game is mad fun. Shooting feels good, exploring is nice, the crafting is very well done. It's a high quality release as far as I'm concerned and I deeply enjoy it. And I don't even mean that it's the worst quality story I've ever seen, but it is a very awkward fit for the game it's in.

The most interesting thing about it is that it's a reversal from Fallout 3. Instead of searching for your dad, you're searching for your son. And there's so much that doesn't really work and is executed poorly on that front.

Remember how Todd made a big deal about how you could name your character something like "Fuckface" and your pet robot would actually refer to you by name? That always seemed weird to me. Not just that it only really works for this one robot, but also that it happens with your player character. I always thought it would work way better if you could name your kid instead, and have that also happen on a slightly larger scale. It's a step in solving one of the main problems in Fallout 4, which is that your family isn't very interesting or fun to care about.

You get to customize both Nate and Nora, and it just feels like a waste to have one of them killed off. If you could meet them and either work alongside or fight against them would have given the relationship so much more dynamism and also reward you for getting invested in your character's family, instead of all of them just being plot devices to deliver a bad twist about your son not being a baby and also the villain.

And you know, in isolation maybe those things don't seem like a problem. The cool thing about games is that you can largely ignore their plots and just engage with them on a mechanical level, but there's so much badgering that the story does to the player in Fallout 4. I've seen worse stories but Fallout 4's is the only one that will not leave me the fuck alone and keeps asking my opinions on things and people and places and factions that I simply don't care about.

When I say it's the worst story it's because it's hard to enjoy and even harder to ignore. It makes me not want to play the game, which no story in any game has ever done before. Which is a shame, because the game is absolutely worth playing but I can't be doing with this writing man.

[enidtendo64]

I just finished Wednesday today and I'm full on the wenclair ship!!!! so I'm glad to have seen your art just as I'm done lmao. if you read wenclair fics do you have any recommendations?

OOOOH Okay nice nice!!!

I'm so sorry this is so late but I hope you still want some recs, bc I def got some for you! I tried to keep these pretty succinct and not too many bc a lot of these are pretty long reads but these are some of my fav Wenclair fics to read and reread! I made sure to put different types/genres of fics in here too so there's a diverse list of flavors on here! Most will be complete but I'll throw in some WIPs i've been keeping an eye on!

If We Make It Through December by overnights: If you love FLUFF and Enid interacting with the Addams Fam! A wenclair STAPLE tbh, fake dating, Enid being invited to the Addams Mansion, and CHRISTMAS fic all in one! The dynamics between the Addams and Enid are always sweet, and Wednesday and Enid just teeter on that close friendship to oh, maybe it's love??? thing and it's so sweet to see. It's just very lovely and wholesome! A great execution of that 'fake dating but oops you were in love all along haha' trope!

Magus et Lupus by wigglewyrms: Ok like I had to rep one of my pals in here but in my defense this is genuinely so good and one of my favorite wenclair fics before we even became friends! It's a fun fantasy Wenclair with dialogue that's just so fun and snappy and witty! You're gonna have fun reading their conversations and then you're gonna get caught up into the world and the story! The plot is very fun and the end is a very fun payoff! I think I might have overused the word fun a lot for this fic but like that's just what this fic is--It's entertaining, it's engaging, and it makes you feel like you're having fun reading wanting to know what's next or what's this person gonna say or etc. It's a fic you read and you feel good! 100% Recommend! I even drew art for it if you're interested (which I should honestly repost on here soon)

I'd recommend their other stuff too-- Stubborn, Single Minded, and Obsessive is great if you like the slasher horror genre with a dash of Addams Family Values Lore, and their most recent one that's a WIP, When The Moon Shines Red is a very fun fic focused on Enid's werewolfisms but dangerous, with a very sweet friendship to relationship evolution between Enid and Wednesday!

i know the end by thriftedstars: If you're an angst lover like I am, you're gonna LOOOOVE this! A sort of groundhog's day type of fic, it focuses on the day of the last episode of the first season--Enid, Wednesday, Tyler, Crackstone, all that entails in that night. It's a really fun read just to know what happens next and how Enid gets out of the situation but also to see the girls' relationship grow in this terrible situation. Lots of emotion! Listen sometimes you just need the hurt for the ending to be sweeter! Recommend wholeheartedly!

curtain call by hanjisgirlfriend: on the complete opposite side of the last fic, Curtain Call is an enemies to friends to lovers Wenclair that does an amazing job of capturing that kind of high school love story kind of vibe but like also a dash of youthful nostalgia. It gives me the same vibe of like, if I was listening to the Kids album by Mac Miller--They're kids and they're friends and they're growing up and they're growing up together. I HIGHLY recommend as well, like it genuinely makes my heart lighter thinking about how sweet this is.

raven in the den, wolf in the nest by Barbara_Lazuli: So you might be familiar with the author's name--Artist, Comic maker, Writer, literally what CAN'T she do!!! This fic is another fake dating fic but a different flavor from the first one! This one really dives into both Enid and Wednesday's relationships with their mothers, as well as the building feelings they already have for each other. Their bond in this fic is nothing short of sweet and heartwarming, and I genuinely think this is one of the best fics in the tag! Just got so much substance! Also all the Addams family media references and the Loona refs-- like Barb if you read this you're a champ for making Wednesday play Sonatine and also listen to Hula Hoop and just for making this in general????? Seriously how are you so talented bro

queen of the night by heyfools: Look, a flower shop AU hits okay? And this? THIS HITS. Wednesday is an owner of a flower shop, Enid needs a job, and we know where this is going. But man the way you get to know both characters a little more--their histories, traumas, likes and dislikes and their personalities beyond "appropriately polite cowoke" (well, polite for Enid, not so much Wednesday at first) it's soooooo good! You have a journey along with the characters and you really get invested in their relationship! A great read, especially if you wanna read something like in the afternoon light with a nice lemonade maybe, or like just a very relaxing fun read!

Forged in Blood by RiseAboveTheAshes_203: Okay so this one is a HEAVY HITTER! We're getting into the big bois! It's a 100k fic about Wednesday and Enid basically dealing with the consequences of Enid becoming a blood wolf-- and bro you are seated, belted, strapped into the ride every step because PHEWWWW what a RIDE! It has really interesting lore building upon werewolf society in the show and also witchery and magic from the Addams family. And all of that is great and amazing but the real star of this is just Wednesday and Enid being Wednesday and Enid--they are DEVOTED to each other! Even if they don't quite understand the full means of it yet, and if it gets them in trouble sometimes. It's amazing to see their relationship grow and them understand what they truly mean to one another and it's a captivating love story that also happens to have fun world building for the show and amazing moments that just leave you so tense to know what happens next! I was so tuned in when this was still a WIP I remember refreshing the tag every lunch time for a while for a chapter I was HOOKED, and I'm sure you will be too!

A Kidnapping By Any Other Name by Ravenmoon33: So bear with me this is gonna be a long one; Ok! So this is the other WIP I've put in here (aside from When The Moon Shines Red) and let me tell you--this fic changed my life fr. Some TLDR lore about it tho--the version I linked above there is a revised version! They have an old version they still have up on their account and honestly I also HIGHLY recommend that version too bc it had me in bed giggling kicking my feet like ROMANCE. ROMANCE WAS MADE in these ao3 walls!!! (The flower scene???? No spoilers if you know you know but OOOOOOOOGGHHHH I would not shut up about it for WEEKS Im so sorry to my friends and my poor gf) but I also highly recommend the new version as well! If you've read the first version and are keeping up with the new version, the new things are also so good and you can tell the author is so locked in and excited with what they've added and what they've changed, I honestly recommend both;

So onto what it's actually about-- Enid is "kidnapped" by Wednesday and is "forced" to stay at her best friend's mansion for the summer. And you know what happens? LORE. So much worldbuilding on Addams family lore like it's AMAZING!!! You read about new characters the family past and what it means for Wednesday and Enid, and if that's not enough, there's also the MYSTERY aspect too because Weds and Enid will have to deep dive into that lore to figure out a problem in the present and it's so much FUN to like try to figure out how things go together! I love that aspect of both the versions so much that it's only rivaled by my immense love of how everyone's relationships are written! Enid's relationships with the other members of the Addams fam, especially Morticia, is so healing and heartwarming, and we see Wednesday's different dynamics with her family and how Enid affects her and helps her grow and you see those relationships with her family members grow because of it! And of course, the obvious, Wednesday and Enid basically having a love story for the ages cause JESUS, this is ROMANCE. Wednesday BIG FUCKING ROMANTIC Addams!!! It's amazing omg I wanna say more but I also don't bc I don't wanna spoil but I absolutely cannot rec it enough, even if it stays unfinished it will still be genuinely one of the best wenclair fics for me.

Tumultuous Waters: Wednesday Season Two by KrackenoftheDeep: So we're here at the last one. I didn't really list these fics out in specific order but I did save this specific one for last bc I genuinely think this is my favorite Wednesday fic. This is like a full ass season 2! It's a telling of how season 2 could happen, continuing from season 1 and picking up the ball the first season threw with stuff about the Morning Song cult, a deeper dive of Crackstone and Goody, more worldbuilding about the outcasts and the school, and best of all-- THE Wednesday and Enid dynamic that to me would be so fucking ideal for season 2 if Timothy Burton wasn't a COWARRD!!! /j /maybe

The growth Enid and Wednesday have in this fic, along with the exploration of the other characters, more investigations not just by Wednesday but also the other nightshade members helping and getting involved as well! You really get to feel so many things for these characters, and all of that pays off in one of the most satisfying endings for me in a fic like the author really fucking knocked this out of the park I felt like giving a standing ovation!

I genuinely don't think the Wednesday writers could like, live up to this. At least for me, it's that good. This is everything I've ever wanted for a Wednesday s2 honestly and I honestly, HONESTLY could not recommend this enough.

And after you read this, you can follow along the author's sequel to this fic, The Infinite Black Sea: Wednesday Season 3. Again, also highly recommend! A new mystery afoot!!!

I'm so sorry I didn't expect this to get super long but sometimes you just gotta give tens where tens are deserved!!! There are so many more great wenclair fics out there that deserve a reading and loving, like I know the tag can look a little scary sometimes but seriously there's some great gems there underneath all the scary stuff lol

These are just some of my personal favs, and honestly thank you to all the authors here yall are doing God's work fr!!!

[bthump]

heyy i hope your week has been going well, it is always a pleasure to read ur blog! i wanted to ask u something, why do u think guts is so obsessed with griffith specifically? wbk he's in love w him, but i mean mainly personality-wise! at first it made sense because he wanted to be seen and griffith was the first to want him as a person rather than a soldier or whatever arbitrary value was attached to him. since then, however, he has met so many people who care for him and could give him the same things griffith could've. i realize my question is kinda odd since it very much has to do with romantic feelings, i was just wondering if there were specific traits that made it so that any other person ever since was just a 'warm light', yk?

I've been good and hope you have too! Thanks for the kind words!

I think there are a few reasons Guts latches onto Griffith so hard, and they tie back to his formative childhood.

I agree with you that it started because Griffith wanted him - I think even just the realization that Griffith went out of his way to save his life after stabbing him probably had an impact. But yeah, Griffith actively fighting for him to join him, and then saving his life cinched it, even if Griffith downplayed his actual feelings afterwards.

On a personality level I think the waterfight is also very important. It's basically the first time in Guts' life that someone has treated him like a peer. This may be a translation thing, I'm always a little wary of basing analysis on word choices for that reason, but I think it's potentially telling that before the water fight Guts tells Griffith to cut it out because they aren't "kids," but then after the waterfight Guts contemplates Griffith and thinks of him as "probably just a kid..."

So yeah I think Griffith treating him like the child he is, as a child himself, probably had an effect on how quickly Guts warms up to him and how unique Griffith is in his life. There's no one else Guts can say he ever like, played with, yk? He's been forced into a mature role since he was like two years old learning how to use an adult-sized sword.

And then there's the daddy issues lol. I think he wants Griffith specifically to want him, more than anyone else he's ever met, because he is projecting his feelings about Gambino.

(Sidenote, I've seen some people claim that Griffith is like a father figure to Guts, which is laughably ridiculous lol, and that is absolutely not what I'm saying here. I'm just saying Guts' childhood informs his emotional needs and desires as an adult.)

Like Gambino, Griffith is a mercenary leader, and he saves Guts' life, and Guts respects him. Unlike Gambino, Griffith actually likes him and genuinely cares about him. With Griffith he can fulfill that emotional need for someone he admires and respects to actually like him back. After Griffith, he's either been alone or he's been the impressive leader people look up to. He has friends now, but his dynamics with them are different.

I have more about the parallels between Griffith and Gambino wrt their roles in Guts' life here, and also here if you're interested.

I also think the scene where they attack Zodd together is extremely significant for Guts. Not just because Griffith admits that he risked his life to save Guts without any logical justification (though obviously that's huge), but also because it essentially represents a reprise of his childhood rape trauma but with someone else there to save him, and face the monster at his side. It's a very significant moment of personal fulfillment for Guts imo, and the scene where he dedicates his sword to Griffith on the rooftop afterwards is essentially the high point of Guts' entire life. It's hard to compete with that.

(Post where I visually illustrate how the monsters in Berserk parallel Donovan, in case that take needs some evidence lol)

And finally, it's worth pointing out I think that while Guts does have friendships post-Eclipse, including people willing to risk danger for him (like Serpico stepping between him and Zodd on the docks), Guts keeps himself more emotionally distant from them. This is at least in part out of a fear of losing them the way he lost the Hawks, as the Beast points out in chapter 290:

And probably partially because again, his role with them is different. They follow and admire him. He's like the Griffith to their Hawks now, more closed off himself and projecting an image rather than opening up emotionally.

So yeah, basically I think Griffith had a pretty unique role in Guts' life, one that's hard to follow up, especially when Guts doesn't open up to others nearly as much post-Eclipse.

Thanks for the ask!

[just-a-carrot]

hhhhh ik you said at some point that you don't particularly enjoy depicting the cast as their child selves, so I hope this request doesn't make you too uncomfortable but..

Aside from the intro sequence, do you have any specific scenarios or stuff like that that you could thing of as happening in the first iteration of the wonderland. Ik the game is a horror game and all but it's just super wholesome to think about the more fairytale like aspect that happened before everything went to shit(/pos).

Mostly this was brought about by thinking of Jerry like. He's already shown in Arc 5 to have parental sort of tendencies and if he still existed in the first iteration of the wonderland it would just be super sweet to think of scenarios of him just babysitting the cast and stuff. Lot of kid chaos yk? SKKJHJSB sorry it's just so wholesome and sweet to think about that kinda dynamic/scenario

ahhhhhh... oh gosh 💦 now i feel very sheepish because that's not what i meant and it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. i was referring more to when i'd see people draw, say, genzou, 3, 4, 5 times, and every single time it was him as a kid/in high school, and never once did i see them draw him as an adult. THAT SPECIFICALLY made me feel weird. particularly as it happened most often with genzou so in the back of my mind it was always like... "oh... so you just don't want to draw him fat... 😅" and i'd just end up feeling very strange. HOWEVER, i haven't seen that happen in quite a while, it was mostly just still stuck in my head from earlier days of production, and since it often happened with genzou (and orlam a bit) my mind kinda associates it most with them lol. HAVING SAID THAT i am not uncomfortable in the slightest if ppl draw them as kids, if ppl come up with scenarios for them as kids or in high school, if ppl ask me questions about them as kids, etc. so please never feel bad asking me questions about it!! i'm really sorry that my badly explained answer to that other question came across that way, i don't want ppl to feel bad or uncomfortable about that. and i think imagining flashbacks or cute moments of them growing up is very sweet. like, a huge part of their dynamic as a group COMES from the fact that they grew up together and have all these shared moments, so i do really enjoy coming up with them and thinking about their changing dynamics through the years, etc.

anyway as to your actual question... lkdajfa

it's not something i've thought of extensively before but i have come up with at least the types of scenarios that you see hinted at in the game itself. like they talk about playing hide and seek in the sunflower fields. riding on the kiddie kruise. getting snacks and messing around in the village. also all the wishes that show up in the final cutscene were all taken from ideas i had for stuff they would have done, as all of those wishes would have led to resulting shenanigans of some sort

i personally had not thought about jerry's involvement in all of this; HOWEVER, someone did make a fan game about this exact thing during last year's fanart contest, showing jerry doing fun and silly things and going on adventures with them as kids when they came to wonderland, and though obviously it's not official, i think it's incredibly sweet and i love to think about them having these kinds of moments!!! so if you want to think about jerry being there (along with the other rabbits) and helping them get up to all kinds of shenanigans i think that fits incredibly well, even if i don't have any specific ideas for what those would have been aside from what i've already mentioned/hinted towards in game hahaha. somehow i feel like others would be able to come up with a lot more silly and creative things than i ever could in regards to this matter 🤣

[ciaran]

ep10 thoughts (spoilers for trigun stampede 10)

it's very obvious that Vash's pain tolerance is at best highly variable and most probably obscenely high. he gets shot and makes barely any sound, without even giving the impression that he is deliberately keeping himself quiet, and then walks off. also what an insanely good character beat!!! I'm going to throw up.

i actually wonder to what extent (and I've been having this thought since the plant reveals dropped, around that time) Vash's extreme compassion for humans is inherent to him on a species level. most of the plants we've seen haven't been characterized (as much as they've been shown as having an internality) as...disliking the way they're used even though it's clearly bad for them? like this isn't scanning as a metaphor for slavery, more for symbiotic relationships or parasitic mutualism. not that i think that's a decent status quo but, ah. thoughts.

Vash apologizing repeatedly to Wolfwood ;_; WAIT SHIRTLESS VASH REVEAL????? IM SHAKING LIKE A CHIHUAHUA RN

“I can imagine, even if i don't want to, how a misfit like you is being treated by humans,” I'm going to climb into a rocket and blow myself up to fuck. what the fuck

i need to print every line of dialogue from this scene onto the inside of my skull they're giving me EVERYTHING i want

then we're immediately catapulted into some kind of sick and twisted old man yaoi between Doctor human experimentation and our good friend Roberto

side note it's very funny to me that the Meryl/Roberto dynamic parallels the Vash/Wolfwood dynamic in the sense of: idealistic person walks into trouble and their cynical, substance abusing boyfriend/mentor trudges despairingly after them to keep them alive another day. top tier

i love a good artificial and fucked up child I'll be honest. also Roberto saying “the important thing is how you feel when you see these children”...i may be reading too much into his character but his addiction and cynicism make sense to me from the perspective of this—essentially okay if ordinarily messy person trying to survive in a world where every daily decision runs counter to the basic morality he cannot silence no matter how much he drinks. which adds a certain tint to how he views Meryl? i don't precisely love their relationship as is (i would want a few more layers folded into it) but I'm inclined to view it more favourably in this episode.

SO I TYPED OUT "interesting backstory for Elendira" and then this guy said "he" so i was like "what" but INTERESTING BACKSTORY FOR ELENDIRA. PLEASE LET HER BE TRANSFEM STILL.

weirdly paced runaway scene though, really hollow and... tonally dissonant voice acting when i didn't notice a problem before. direction issue? it really jarring :/

VASH'S LITTLE WAVE AFTER THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES IS SO. BABY BOY YOU HAVE MY WHOLE HEART

huh, Roberto really let them walk into a trap and then abandoned them there. stone cold! i like that in a guy

“I hate you” “me too, we might get along well” Wolfwood will find a kid who looks traumatized and unsupervised and be like “is anyone going to be an elder brother to them” and not wait for an answer.

oh, Roberto NO. this is so annoying. let me have a good dynamic between them for ONE episode before it gets utterly killed oh my god. violently irritating stuff.

thematically, i like that Meryl receives the message that it's okay to run away if you're scared from her mentor, who has literally always advocated for this while also following Meryl into trouble quite frequently. it's also very...i don't have a word for this but i see it happen often, where one character hears something alone that other characters need to hear too, that type of emotional beat; this is a message that Vash needs, and Meryl is meant to pass it to him. but it's also for her! i like that Roberto emphasizes on some level the importance of not dying for a cause, for knowing your limits and sticking to them even when the world is demanding too much from you—but then he dies for it? hmm.

this monologue from Wolfwood is very interesting, isn't it? “i don't have time to hesitate for the fear of making sacrifices, i have to make a choice. i will do anything to protect the things i cherish. i am the guide, after all... what a great babysitter i am; i managed to bring you here alive when you're always asking to get killed” oh Wolfwood i will kiss you and your Judas parallels directly on the mouth. with tongue. and feed you olives <3

“thank you for all this time” aaaaaaaaaa

he has stubble in this episode I'm about to burst into tears. i need to make a list of Wolfwood's hottest features starting with 1. betrayed the love of his life (or tried to, i suspect it won't stick) 2. STUBBLE!!!!!

KNIVES!!! also I've been really enjoying the cuts to Knives playing the piano between scenes. so beautiful, so tender. augh. brotherly reunion ;_;

i have so many thoughts about the scene between Vash and Knives but starting with “you're just trying to make up for the big fall” no honey i think it goes back further than that but also! Vash is the most guilt-ridden man of all guilt-ridden men. so yes. head full

“Nicholas, have you put down your cross?” oh they gave him a cross just for dialogue like this to hit like a truck. i get it. I'm dying fr. "and what if i have" while carrying. denial is a river in egypt

“the redemption will never end: no matter what you do, the humans will never forgive your sins before they die” okay lots to unpack there also. he's right! but also. lots to unpack

is this Knives plan with collecting the dying plants? to send them out in a blaze of glory to make Vash a plant with the ability to create? that's SO sick and twisted i love it. freak rights who is doing it like Knives Millions for his baby brother

incredibly satisfying episode, 10/10 would watch again.

[aliveandfullofjoy]

Review: Unforgiven (Eastwood, 1992)

(I haven't posted a review on Tumblr in a hot minute -- I've been keeping those to Letterboxd -- but I tried to get a few words out about this movie and wanted to share here as well. I love it a lot. Those are always hard to write about for me. This is embarrassing. Thanks for reading. Or not! Consider watching Unforgiven if you haven't!)

"It's a hell of a thing, killing a man. You take away all he's got and all he's ever gonna have."

Unforgiven is just one of those movies for me. It hits me like a bolt of lightning every time I watch it. I first watched it when I was in high school, when I was first getting into movies by way of poring over Oscar history. I didn't think of myself as a westerns guy at the time -- I'm honestly not even sure how many I'd seen by that point -- but Unforgiven almost immediately made me fall in love with the genre as a whole. It was a little bit like discovering my first Stephen Sondheim musical: "Oh, that's what this can be?"

Admittedly, I've been way less rabid about consuming westerns than I have been with musical theatre (and I'm certainly not a Clint Eastwood megafan). Still, it's a genre I find endlessly fascinating, and it's almost entirely because of how deeply literary they often feel. More than any other genre, individual characters in westerns seem to represent so much more than just themselves. I'm sure there's a great thesis to be written about the ideologies represented in Unforgiven in just the characters of William Munny and Little Bill Daggett alone, to say nothing of Ned Logan or the Schofield Kid or Strawberry Alice or English Bob or W. W. Beauchamp or Delilah.

(My God, what a cast of characters. What a script.)

And then there's the beautiful prologue and epilogue, perfectly bookending the film -- the cruelty, the loss, the violence -- with a bittersweet sense of poetry. Maybe cinema was invented so Eastwood could match Jack N. Green's cinematography with David Webb Peoples' words and accompany them with an aching guitar (the gorgeous "Claudia's Theme," which Eastwood wrote himself). All I have to do is think about the final words of the epilogue, to visualize Mrs. Ansonia Feathers visiting her daughter's grave, and I feel my eyes begin to well up.

I think that love story is what keeps me coming back to Unforgiven. We never see Munny's wife, just like we never see Munny before his marriage, that "man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition." To us, he's just a widower -- an aging man with a surprising gentleness who can barely take care of his hogs. Eastwood, it should be said, gives a gorgeous performance.

I love everything about this movie, even the parts that make me feel queasy. I love the Munny/Ned dynamic (Morgan Freeman is great in his short screen time). I love how vile of a bad guy Little Bill is (Gene Hackman's second Oscar was well-earned). I love getting heady about it and thinking about it as a deconstruction and an elegy for the westerns of Eastwood's youth. I even love how almost fatalistic the film gets near the end ("I'll see you in Hell." "Yeah.").

But it's the entirely offscreen love story that lingers with me. On this watch, the following exchange Munny has with Delilah, the brutalized sex worker at the center of Unforgiven's conflict, caught me completely off-guard and made me start crying almost immediately. Munny's wife, a woman we never meet, is a symbol of hope and redemption in a vicious world. Their love for one another is the heart of the film.

"Is she back in Kansas?" "Yeah, she's watching over my young ones."

[thewertsearch]

Asks Comp - 16/4

I literally did not know The Baby Is You was a thing. To be welcomed back into the comic like this after four months is very on brand for Homestuck.

... and wow, its outro really does match the end of this song, doesn't it? That's even funnier than if he'd snuck some of Megalovania in there.

Ooh, that's another liveblog I'll want to check out when I'm done! I've never actually seen a Worm liveblog before. Adding it to the list myself!

Nothing's really changed since I've been gone! I make a conscious effort not to do much Homestuck analysis off-blog, since I want my journey to be fully documented here.

It's good to be back! I'm looking forward to a full reread when I'm done.

Would you believe I didn't even know there was a book?

I also didn't know the movie had two (allegedly) terrible sequels, which is very funny. Neverending story indeed.

Thank you! I can't take too much credit, though - most of my tagging system has been crowdsourced from askers!

At some point, before we reach the end of the comic, I'm going to have to formalize my approach to liveblogging Homestuck's side content.

What I'll probably do is give each of them the 'lite' treatment initially, but if they turn out to be more canonical than I thought, or particularly interesting to liveblog, I'll 'zoom in', and analyze them properly. We'll see how we go!

Could you imagine the relationship dynamics in your average troll soap opera? The shipping web for a single season would make our heads explode.

It's a fun question. What sort of object symbolizes everything?

The first thing I'd try would be a star chart, Dave's magnifier and a literal planetful of Grist.

Added to the list! Not until later later on, though - I'd worry that the opinions and theories of another liveblogger could interfere with my own, especially if they're talking about it with someone who's already read it!

I would find it hard to disagree.

Do people think Act 1 is pointless?

I mean, it is the slowest Act in terms of pacing, but slow pacing isn't always a bad thing. You sort of have to take it slow when your readers have this much to get to grips with.

...okay, maybe we didn't need quite as many Sylladex mishaps as we got. But we still needed some. Homestuck has a lot to introduce you to.

I always pictured an English accent for Hass - although, interestingly, I didn't picture one for Jade. As a headcanon, I like the NZ one better.

Where did Grandpa grow up again, actually? He was raised by Fake Mark Twain, who was from Missouri - but I don't have a clue what a Missouri accent sounds like, let alone one from a century ago. I have a funny feeling that it's not the accent I'm imagining coming from Jade.

Now that's a ship I'd never have seen coming. Props to Hussie for coming up with something more controversial than my Feferi<>Equius.

All four kids, with four endgame weapons, might be able to challenge Jack's current incarnation - but they're not going to get the chance. You've hit the nail on the head - he's semi-perfect Jack for a reason.

I have several theories for Jade's prototyping, and every single one of them would make Jack even more dangerous than before. It's just barely possible to challenge him now, but things will only get worse.

Read the room, Serket!

Would Vriska have tried to negotiate? She feels like the type of person who'd rather take a beating than admit they're outclassed. Plus, I'm not sure how much she'd have to offer Aradia, who seemed entirely motivated by revenge (and, possibly, secretly motivated by timeline stuff).

All that said, I would have loved to hear Vriska trying to worm her way out of this.

I love it! Please send in the completed house, if you get the chance. That's going to look so cool with a moving meteor.

And they're both easily distractible! This feels like two people who might actually get on surprisingly well, if they were in, say, the same high school class.

It's hard to say what's a rarepair, since I don't know what ships are rare in the fandom - although I'd have a few guesses about the most common ones.

If we're going for a ship with very tenuous connections, I will submit Rose x Feferi for your appraisal. They're both fans of the Noble Circle, and their signature colors are pretty close.

You know what, I'll just review all of your ships. Tavros/Gamzee - PB&J - is pretty cute. [] I'd recommend Miracle Child for a number of reasons, but it does include a well-written Gamtav. Jack/Droog is more <> to me than it is <3. Like One Sundered Star might be influencing that? I'm not really sure. Somewhere I think I saw a Jack<>Droog. Your pre-shipping chart post isn't in the chrono; also, I'm pretty sure the A6A6I5 ask is one of mine. Gamzee/Eridan is a rarepair; I've seen it, but not often, and it's a <> in the fic I'm referencing. Kanaya<>Terezi and Feferi<>Vriska are strange enough that I've never seen them anywhere, really. [] And finally, Vriska and Tavros. These two are the textbook example of why the ashen quadrant needs to exist, and they're a perfect pair for it. [] ~LOSS (8/1/23)

I don't even know if Carapacians have moirallegiance - but those two would definitely work if they did.

Out of all my ships you flagged as rare, I think my favorite is Feferi<>Vriska. I just think they'd gel weirdly well together!

[majesticwren]

due to high demand - me. I'm high demand. this entire project is being written entirely for my pleasure, be warned I'm being extremely self-indulgent - I've decided to write a little prequel to the events that take place here. this is set in 2018 and is the beginning of Fletch x OFC. billy will have his own little prequel at some point. enjoy. a/n: please don't come for me I am heavily lingering into the angst and the toxicity and the drama only for the pleasure of it and this is my testimony be warned because we'll dive head first in it folks.

Trigger Warning/s: OFC is her own trigger warning she is damaged goods and slightly toxic and emotionally unavailable, kyle is a little baby, mark is being overprotective and extremely toxic sorry not sorry, alcohol consumption, mention of addiction, mention of heroin abuse, mention of sex, mention of trauma, mention of intentional overdose, swearing, smut!, unprotected sex (this is a fic, don't do this at home kids, know your sexed!), loss of virginity (Kyle's a baby, as already said), OFC is slightly dom, angst, mainly friends to lovers/impossible relationship dynamics.

nuclear season: part I -> | part II -> | part III -> prequel: <- part I | part III -> | part IV -> Masterlist

“I tell you,” Kyle chuckled, “you should have been there. I fell off the stool from laughter. I have never seen anything like it before in my life,”

They laid close to each other in a nest of covers and pillows on her bed in her messy hotel room. Music played in the background. Erika looked at his features, getting inebriated by the naïve, sweet look he had on his pretty face. His blushed cheeks and the lack of focus he had due to being tipsy were getting her drunk more than the alcohol.

“Well, then,” Erika raised the half-full bottle of tequila in a cheer, “I suppose that requires a hooray!” giggling to herself, she let her head fall heavy on the nest of pillows. She wasn’t even sure what they were talking about anymore.

She had tried so hard to stay as far away from heavily drinking for so long, that she almost got back to being able to feel tipsy and enjoy it. She hadn’t been completely clean, but she hadn’t gotten drunk in months. Until tonight.

Sobriety would have meant for her to have a clearer mind to take sensed, thought-through decisions, considering a whole lot of consequences and people involved. But that also meant she was supposed to face her emotions, which Erika had no intention of doing. Not after she had to face Mark’s words.

If her brother didn’t believe in her, what chance did she have?

She tried to escape her past, but it was just as her brother had said. A tiger wouldn’t lose her strips. She would have never become anything better than who she was. Forever branded like the unreliable troublemaker unworthy of the benefit of the doubt or any hope.

She had been so stupid for believing anything could change. That she had a chance to become something better.

And then there was Kyle. She didn’t even want to think about how heartbroken she was. It hurt so much to want someone so desperately and knowing so well she’d never have him. It hurt too much for her to bear. If she had been given the chance to be someone different from her past, maybe she would have thought she could make it. Maybe she would treat him well, give him the affection he deserved and trust him to give her the respect she needed. But she wasn’t different. She was the same girl she left in Australia, only lived in the United Kingdom and pretended to be someone else for kicks.

And now, she just knew she was going to break Kyle’s heart. It was a conscious decision she had made.

Instead of considering her options, Erika decided to take the familiar route of drowning herself in a bottle of tequila and making bad decisions. It was easy enough to forget about her dreams and expectations. And the more she fell into her drunkenness mess of incoherent stormy emotions, the more she became erratic and unpredictable, spiralling into a dark void. She was stuck in an ouroboros where she became the thing she feared the most to escape it.

And now, she was ready to stand by the rubble of everything she was going to ruin.

Before Kyle could grab the bottle from her grasp, Erika retrieved it to her chest, sending him a teasing look, challenging him to come and get it as she drank more of the bitter liquor herself. She hid her grin behind the bottle, chugging down a big gulp. No salt. No lime. No shame.

The liquid felt hot as it slid down her throat and into her stomach. Its warmth spread quickly through her and into her mind, making it difficult to focus on much more but Kyle’s lips.

“You are so pretty,” she whispered, deciding to push herself to break the distance between them and tracing his jawline with her fingertips. “Beautiful, actually.”

Kyle’s face became red all over. “Not like you,” he dared and then stole the bottle off her grasp and hid his timidity behind it.

She felt every inch of her skin itch to be touched. The small distance dividing them was so painful to endure. She felt the need to feel him. To have him. Hanging between their words and in their crossed gazes there was everything she tried to deny herself from feeling and all the space he allowed her to have, respecting her wishes. The difference was she was done being mature. She had taken her decision. Trying and act like the bigger person, getting away from everything toxic in her behaviour, didn’t bring her anywhere. So why keep fighting?

That was her last chance to make a sensible decision before ruining everything.

Fuck Mark.

She thought impulsively, getting distracted from Kyle.

Fuck him and all his empty promises and his pretended love. He didn’t deserve her to try. He didn’t believe she could, anyway. So, he wasn’t going to have the best version of her. He ripped her hope away and threw her in the dark. So, she was going to hurt the only person he cared about. And she had every intention of liking it. Kyle would have been delicious; she just knew it.

“I am so glad you are here,” she didn’t need to lie about that. She was aware of what she was walking into and what she would have done. But she truly liked him.

This time, she traced her fingers to his chin, close to his lips.

Kyle popped a timid smile, as he looked at her face. Words didn’t come out of his mouth. He was fiddling with his hands. So nervous and pretty, made her smile widen. Delicious.

Erika was naturally prompted to move to him, placing a hand on his chest. “What is it, baby?” She wondered in a low purr, pushing herself closer to him. “You are so nervous.”

“I didn’t think you’d call; you know?”

“No?” Erika decided it was time to get rid of the bottle of tequila, which she leaned over to leave on the bedside cabinet, before quickly going back to snuggling by Kyle’s side. “You haven’t noticed how I look at you?”

“I have. I do. I hope that you’ll notice me all the time,” he admitted, “but you made it clear you need distance, and that’s what I gave you.”

“And I appreciate that,” Erika wasn’t lying. Nothing of what she felt for him was constructed. She was truly enjoying spending time with him and wanted so much more from him that it felt difficult to breathe; even though she did ask him to join her only because of her quarrel with Mark, to prove a point, and was determined to break both their hearts.

If she was supposed to end up suffering, she was gonna do it in the sweetest and most prohibited way possible.

“I don’t want to have distance anymore,” Erika suggested, her eyes crossed Kyle’s face, soaking up his sweetness. She decided to encourage him to follow her queue by grabbing his hand and gently guiding him to place it on her stomach. He watched her do it holding his breath in his chest.

His touch was extremely attentive. Kyle laid his large hand flat on her abdomen, not daring to move. His skinny fingers were spread across her, feeling the soft material of the extra-large t-shirt she was wearing above a simple pair of booty shorts. Then, his hand moved ever so slightly, feeling her body underneath his touch.

A shiver crossed her. They were barely touching and she was already on fire. A soft sigh left her as the pleasure of his touch, even just so small, was already enough to make her stretch under him. She desperately wanted him to touch her all over and to feel him everywhere. She was ready to beg and had to bite her tongue not to. Not yet. That simple caress wasn’t enough – not even remotely.

Erika kept her hand on his, pushing him down into her belly, making him feel her. She needed him to explore her. She wanted him to desire to feel her just as badly as she did. Her other hand was still on his face as she was carried away by his timid look as he followed everything she did. There was uncertainty behind his eyes, but it was the edge of expectations he hung on that attracted her the most.

“Tell me what you are thinking,” she pulled his chin, making him look back at her. “I need to know what’s going on behind those beautiful eyes.”

Kyle tried to hide behind a chuckle, but his blushed cheeks gave him away. “What do you think I am thinking?” He wondered, trying to outsmart her.

Except Erika wasn’t playing. “I hope you are wondering what I look like when I am naked.” She dared, not stopping at how he choked on his breath. “And I am hoping you are going to put those pretty hands and lips into use soon.”

“God, Erika,” he whispered, trying to escape her gaze.

He hissed when she didn’t let him get away. “Tell me. Please, baby, I need to know. I need you.”

The way he shivered made her body react. Warmth flooded right through her, charging up her nerves and making her belly ache and her abdomen feel heavy. God, nothing about her desire needed to be forced in any way, Erika truly liked him and had been wanting him for a long time now. Only she had stopped hiding it away. Now it was her time to be selfish.

“Me too,” he admitted, leaning closer to her, enough to press his forehead on hers. “I want you so bad it hurts.”

She smiled victoriously and decided she was done waiting around. She pushed herself closer to him, brushing her lips on his.

Kyle took another few moments to warm up. He was awkward and uncertain, but surely ready to follow her queues, because, as soon as he battled with his shyness, he dived into her lips, kissing her with a hunger and desperation Erika was more than ready to match.

It had been so long since they kissed and she had missed his lips ever since.

There was a force pulling her towards him. How did she believe it possible to fight against her deepest desires?

She was such a fool.

Erika’s hand cruised across his neck and around his shoulders, pulling him down on her. She avidly studied the slim edges of his body, admiring the feeling of every muscle and bone she found, desiring to feel more. She needed his naked skin. His warmth. His everything.

Kyle weighing on her as they made out was so sweet and ravaging. She was already pretty unhinged and self-destructive, but now, nothing was stopping her.

Erika bent her leg and slid it around his thin waist, branching around him like ivy. She then guided his hand from her belly to her thigh, needing to feel his fingers on her naked skin. This time, Kyle was more courageous and took the initiative, squeezing her soft flesh into his hold. The soft moan he released, pushing himself against her, further into her arms, sent her ballistic.

Erika pushed him down on the mattress and hopped over his hips, straddling him. This time, lowering herself back down, she pushed her face into the crook of his neck, avidly kissing his skin and adoring feeling him tensing up underneath her, his choked breath was music to her ears.

Kyle took a few long seconds before feeling confident enough to wrap his hands around her hips. But then, he rewarded her by letting his hands explore her body, feeling dauntless enough to cruise up her spine and down one leg.

Erika pulled herself up sitting back into his hips and enjoying every inch of his body she felt underneath her. He was aroused. She felt his trapped erection poke her through their clothes. And, God, that was enough to make her head spin. Not thinking too clearly, she pushed her hands in between them, reaching for his belt, feeling the need to touch him.

However, before she could even realise her desires, Kyle froze and was quick to stop her. His hold on her was gentle but firm as he grabbed her hands and pushed them off him.

Erika sat back up on him, frowning. “What is it, baby?”

“Nothing,” he huffed, avoiding eye contact, “I just- would like to take it easy, for a moment.”

Looking down at him, she suddenly felt slightly uncomfortable with the idea that he may have not wanted the same thing she did, despite his clear arousal and desire for her. Though there was something in him, in his quickened breath and pink cheeks, and in the way his eyes were drawn away from her, that intrigued her even more.

She slipped a hand of his grasp only to grab his chin and pull him to look at her. “What is it, Fletch?”

“Nothing-” he choked. His entire face was becoming red.

Erika leapt into his eyes. “No. That’s not nothing.” She leaned in, brushing her lips over his softly, “Tell me.”

Kyle hesitated, looking at her for a long moment and then, with a defeated sigh, he shook his head. “I think I need a minute before we start doing stuff.”

“Ok,” she nodded, understanding and encouraging, not forcing herself on him. “Why? Are you ok?”

“More than ok,” he nodded, “please, don’t think I don’t want this. You.” He released her hand only to place his around her hips, giving her an encouraging squeeze. “Because I do. More than the world.”

“Then what is it?” She wondered softly, kissing gently his forehead and then cheeks, loving the way he moulded into her like a cat bumping his little face into her.

“I-” he choked on a secret.

“You can tell me,” She encouraged him softly, sliding her hand across the back of his neck and up his shaved hair, gently cradling him. “You can tell me anything.”

“I may not have as much experience as you think I do,” he revealed speaking quickly.

“That’s ok,” Erika pulled a gentle smile, willing to make him feel at ease. She had suspected it by the way he was attentive and soft and, if anything, it only made her more feral.

Though Kyle still shook his head. “No, you don’t understand.” He took a deep breath like he was trying to gather all his courage. “I’ve never done this before.”

Erika was stricken.

She froze on the spot, looking down at him.

However, her shock was soon gone. She was quick to cup his face into her hands, holding him ever so gently. “Are you a virgin?”

Kyle quietly nodded, face still red all over and puppy eyes so sweet her heart couldn’t take it.

Her chest was quick to warm back up and fill with a feeling so strong it made it hard to breathe. It was respect. It was affection. It was straight-up devotion, the second she realised the meaning of his words. And then it ripped her apart, as she realised he wasn’t only a sweet-looking boy she fancied. He wasn’t only a prohibited fruit she wanted to defile to prove a point. He was so much more than that. He was everything she wanted. What she felt rolling out of her chest, made her have to bite her tongue not to tell him how deep she was falling for him.

She attentively caressed his cheeks.

That wasn’t going the way she had planned. She had planned to do what she was used to, which was charming a boy into bed with her and watching her world burn. But now all of that was gone in the back of her mind. Now there was only their moment.

“Would you give it to me?” She wondered pulling his chin up, brushing her lips against his.

Kyle nodded without a second of hesitation. “Yes. Yes, please. I have thought about this so much. I just need you to go slow on me.”

“Oh? You thought about this?” Kyle whined and nodded in her hold, only attracting her attention more. Erika kissed the sides of his mouth, “When?” she wondered in a whisper, “touching yourself?” He whimpered, and then nodded again, only prompting her to pull his chin softly. “Use your words, pretty boy.”

“Yes. I did.”

Erika rewarded him with a soft kiss. “Thinking about me?”

“Mh- yes, it’s always you.”

“Fuck, Kyle,” she hissed as a shiver crossed her back, making her skin ripple in goosebumps.

There, right at that moment, as they both stood over an edge there was no coming back, Erika decided there was no past or future. They were only a boy and a girl who liked each other. There were no consequences, no regrets. Only what they felt and what they wanted.

And she desperately wanted him to be hers. Only hers.

Erika pulled him up in a kiss, starting with her plan by taking his lips. He melted underneath her, now wrapping his arms fully around her, caging in a hug and holding onto her like she was a lifeline.

This time, he was the one taking the initiative. He traced her chin with his lips and down her neck, pushing her to bend in between his arms, assaulting one of her most sensitive spots, tasting her skin.

“Yes,” she cooed with a proud smile on her lips, enjoying feeling his mouth on her. “I like that. Keep going.”

Kyle followed her words gladly, taking a liking to nibble on the sensitive skin under her ear only to feel her shiver and sigh in his arms. She whimpered when his hot tongue passed over the spots his teeth marked.

“Did you ever have a girlfriend, before?” she wondered breathlessly, sliding a hand through the longer hair on top of his head, feeling the need to grab on something.

“I am not that naïve,” he pointed out, looking up at her with a small grin, “I did stuff before, only not everything.”

God, he was breathtaking with his puffed-up lips, blushed cheeks and glimmery eyes.

“Oh, yeah?” Erika brushed her lips on his forehead, “what stuff?” She found it so arousing for no reason in particular, if not that he just became a thousand times more delicious to her. She wanted to eat him up.

Kyle went red again. “Everything else but sex.”

“Everything?” She kept wondering, tracing circles with her fingers across the back of his neck. “Like what? You had a little girlie who showed you how she liked to be touched? Or more than one girl, maybe?”

“Are you taking the piss out of me?”

“No.” She simply said looking down at him. “It turns me on. Tell me, I want to know.”

“Just one girl,” he sighed, giving her exactly what she wanted, “We were high school sweethearts, we were together for a little over one year, though it didn’t work out as soon as I started travelling with wrestling. It’s been some time now.”

“Was she pretty?” Erika causally played with his hair.

She wasn’t jealous. She had never been jealous once in her life, her ego was big enough to give her the confidence to know there was no competition with her. When she wanted something, she simply would have it. There was no other way about it. But she was proud, arrogant even, and she needed to know; she needed to hear it from his lips.

“Yes,” he nodded, “she was a pretty girl. Too pretty for me. But nothing compared to you,” Kyle didn’t disappoint her. “But you know that, don’t you?”

She pushed her index under his chin, making him lift his face. “I like to hear how pretty you think I am.”

“Breathtaking,” he revealed. The way his honest eyes glimmered, as he traced the soft lines of her features, gave her a shiver. “You look like you came out of a dream. But it isn’t only your smoky hot body or the way I’d fall on my knees every time you smile. It’s your eyes. When you look at me, I feel seen. I feel important.”

“You are seen,” Erika slid her hands around his face, making sure to be as close to him as possible, “You are important to me, Kyle.”

She shouldn’t have said it. She was well aware. But there were worse things she wanted to say just as badly. She wasn’t only falling for him; she was already there and had those three words on the tip of her tongue. She couldn’t keep it in anymore, her heart was leaping out of her chest and pouring straight into his. Erika had no control over the emotion that just overwhelmed her. But she forced herself to silence.

He may never know it. She had never been no one’s before, but she was his now. No matter about tomorrow or the consequences of all those damned choices they were making in that bed. A piece of her just left her and he had it to keep forever.

“I want to take off your clothes,” she instructed softly, her hands sliding down on his chest, hinting at her words. “Would that be ok?”

Kyle nodded quickly, only prompting her to reach for the helm of his t-shirt and pull it up and over his head. She then gave him a gentle push, hinting for him to lay back down under her. Kyle followed her queue obediently and let her feast on the view.

She saw him shirtless all the time while they worked. Sometimes around the house too. It wasn’t news. But it was entirely different now when she had his consent to study, tease and taste every centimetre of his exposed skin.

Her fingers followed attentively her gaze across his torso. His skin was soft and warm under her touch, feeling thinly stretched over his slim body. She followed the edges of his thin pecs and down the sternum to his abdomen. As she teased him, tracing her fingers lower to his belly button, Erika enjoyed seeing how his breath trembled in his belly. It gave her a hot shiver that crossed her spine and nested right into her abdomen, giving her the primal need to lower herself and leave a deep bite mark on his belly. Before she could get distracted over, her fingers cruised back up across his sides and ribs, feeling every bone under her fingertips, counting them.

Erika leaned down on him and, before he could move his arms to reach for her, she gently interceded him and made him bend them over his head. A confident smirk on her lips as she looked at him as she crossed his wrists and pinned him down, looking at him like he was his most precious possession.

“Do not move. Can you do that for me, Kyle?”

“Yes,” his voice was bent in a whimper that made her thoughts fog up.

“Good boy,” Erika rewarded him with a kiss on the lips and then moved on his neck. Her hand clawed around his jaw, pushing his head up, making him expose as much of his throat as possible just so she’d have free access to it.

She kissed and nibbled over his soft skin, having to assert the utmost control over herself so as not to leave visible marks. Even though marking him was the only thing she could think about. It was possessive, maybe wrong even, and yet, she wanted his skin to present the traces of her nails, teeth and hickeys.

Kyle moaned and stretched underneath her, bucking his hips up at her, trying to find some kind of release, as she sucked his soft skin into her mouth. It was enough to send them both insane. Erika passed her tongue from the base of his neck up to his chin. Feeling his Adam’s apple move under her muscle made her growl like a feral animal.

She then moved down across his body. Her lips moved to his shoulders as she nibbled on his collarbones and down his chest, where she enjoyed toying with his nipples, licking and sucking, only bringing him to arch underneath her and huff, blinded by pleasure.

“You need to stay still for me, baby,” she hinted as she moved down on him, crossing his abdomen with the tip of her nose.

Kyle still arched underneath her, extremely reactive to her touch.

God. And she hadn’t even got to his cock yet. She wondered what kind of little whimpers he would have offered as soon as she did.

Her hands moved across his hips and followed the edge of his jeans, moving slowly to the buckle of his belt. She looked up at him, making sure to study his reaction so she could stop if he froze again.

He didn’t. He hissed instead, arching and throwing his head backwards, letting her have a perfect view of his stretched-up body caged by the invisible chains of her will.

“Give me permission to take your pants off, baby,” she begged.

Kyle looked down at her, looking pretty and desperate, lust glimmering through his beautiful light eyes. “Yes,”

Erika started to undo his belt; her savvy fingers had no trouble with the buckle. “And then,” she started, looking back up at him, “I want to take you into my mouth. Would you like that, baby?”

Kyle let his head fall back, his chest trembled in a small whimper.

“Use your words, pretty boy,”

“Please, Erika,” he whispered, still keeping his hands above his head like he was tied down. “Yes. Do whatever you like to me.”

Erika acted frantically like her life depended on that moment. She opened his jeans and pulled them down on his hips, not letting herself look at him. Not just yet. She wanted to savour it. She pulled them down his legs, helped by him lifting his waist. They giggled innocently to each other.

Finally, once he was naked under her, Erika slid her hands across his thighs, feasting on his body.

A proud grin crossed her plump lips as she shamelessly looked at his erection. “What a nice surprise,” she teased, biting down on her lip, “such a big pretty boy with a big pretty cock,” she spaced her words willingly, adoring seeing him hang from her lips.  

Kyle was flustered, red all over his face and neck, and breathless, but didn’t hide from her. There was a certain level of expectation and ego hiding behind his curiosity. He wished to be praised. “All yours.”

His words crossed her like a spike, hitting her straight into her lower abdomen, and making her tremble. She felt her inside squeeze under the desperate pressure of feeling him inside of her. She had never experienced desire quite like that before.

“Mine.” She agreed.

His virgin skin was milky pale, making her feel the savage need to bite down on him, nibbling along his leg and up to his hipbone. A desire she gave into and responded to Kyle’s little whimpers with moans of her own.

She looked up at him, making sure he was just as lost in the moment as she was, as her lips traced across his lower abdomen. Erika was attentive as she rolled her hand around his cock, allowing Kyle to settle down into her touch. He flinched, but almost immediately relaxed under her, releasing a pleasureful sigh. Erika gently squeezed him in her palm, rolling her hand across his length.

A sharp smile crossed her lips. “Did I get your dick wet?” It was a rhetorical question. He was, in fact, wet, so to speak. But she still wanted to see him nod for her. “You are so fucking desperate; I haven’t even done anything yet.” Her hand followed her words across his cock as she dared to kiss its base, feeling the need to have a little taste of him.

Kyle moaned shamelessly. “I-” he tried to formulate words that only escaped him, mixing with whimpers.

She had never heard a prettier sound.

“What, baby?”

“Please, Erika, I can’t take it anymore,”

She was the one who whimpered now. Having him begging under her made her go feral.

Erika looked up at him, nodding. “I want you to do something for me,”

“Anything,”

“You are free to move your hands now. I want you to grab my hair as I suck on you. And I want you to pull it. And I want you to push me down on you anytime you want to go deeper into my throat.”

“Fuck-” he choked.

“Can you do this for me, baby?”

“What if I choke you?”

“God, baby,” she flicked her tongue along his length, stealing another moan and all of his focus out of him. “That’s the entire point. I want to choke on your cock.”

Kyle sounded like he could cry and she was done wasting time.

She knew well he wouldn’t have lasted long. And she was intentioned to milk every drop of the pleasure of his first time out of him. But she also wished to take it as slow as possible, just like he asked.

Erika traced his length, base to tip, with her tongue and then, she gently took him into her mouth, again allowing him to get used to the feeling of her hot mouth around him. Kyle moaned loudly, not losing a second to slip both his hands into her hair, grabbing on it more to brace himself than to control her movement. As he looked down at her, his mouth was open, pretty lips puffed and wet, his face bent in pleasure.

When she started sucking on him, Kyle was completely gone. He let his head fall backwards on the pillows and arched underneath her, whimpering and softly moaning to her every movement. Erika slid her hands up his chest, digging her nails into his skin, as she took him a little deeper into her mouth with every thrust.

Kyle followed his instinct, Erika’s lips closed around the base of his dick and he, holding her head firmly in between his hands, pushed himself as deep as possible into her throat. A shiver crossed as she felt him so deep inside of her. She released a suffocated moan that slipped right through him, shaking Kyle too.

“Fuck, baby I’m-” he gasped for air, “so close.”

Erika pulled back, releasing him and catching her breath. Looking up at him, she whipped out another sharp grin. “Do you want me to stop?” she wondered only pretending to be innocent. She had no intention of stopping.

“Not a chance,” Kyle then surprised her. He grinned too and, pulling on her hair, he hinted to her to climb back over him. “You are still wearing clothes,” he whispered as soon as she was close enough for him to kiss her.

Kyle took over. He moved her hair out of the way and kept a hand dug deep into it. She started to suspect he liked it to hold her like that. And Erika had no complaints about it. Erika threw her arms around his shoulders, enjoying his initiative. With his free hand, Kyle guided her to go back straddling him and then wrapped his arm around her hips, pushing her to sit as close to him as humanly possible.

His erection pressed on her hot core, making her head spin. It was the first moment she realised what kind of mess she was already. Her pleasure had been forgotten for a second, but now, she realised she had soaked her pants. Erika released a soft moan into his mouth as she rubbed herself against him, only giving him a hint of what to expect. She wanted to drive them both insane.

Kyle’s fingers squeezed the material of her large t-shirt, he then tugged at it and pulled it up on her figure. Erika helped him remove it and then welcomed how he moved on her with a giggle. Her body moulded on him as Kyle kissed her neck, down to her collarbones and shoulders, and lower again. His warm hands were quicker to cup her breasts, squeezing them; he followed quickly, not losing a second to suckle on her tits.

Erika’s head fell heavy as his tongue played with her hard nipples. Her stomach was invaded by a heavy wave of pleasure that slipped through her, making her skin feel tight as she stretched against him, looking to find release. A louder moan escaped her lips, only prompting him to grunt on her.

“Look at you,” she whispered brushing her smile on his forehead. “Little virgin pretty boy knows what he’s doing, uh?”

Kyle shamelessly bit her nipple, in return to her words, and then offered a cocky smirk. “I know some stuff.”

“Clearly,” she smiled, pushing a finger under his chin making him lift his face. “Can I fuck you, now?”

He trembled under her touch; his fingers squeezed her hips as he softly nodded. “Yes. I’d like that.”

“Yes, you would, baby.”

Erika downed on his lips, trapping them into a kiss. She caged his head between her arms and squeezed him against her as if she could push him into her chest and never let him go.

Kyle’s fingers hooked on the band of her booty shorts and pulled on them, teasing her. To which Erika reacted moving her hips, rubbing herself on him.

She broke their kiss, trying to catch her breath and think clearly, even though common sense still escaped her. It was too hot, he was too sweet and inebriating, and the tequila didn’t help.

“Ok,” she huffed, “do you know how it’s going to work?”

“I have access to the internet, babe. I’ve seen porn before.”

Erika smirked, shaking her head as they both blushed. “Ok, little smartass, don’t get an attitude with me,” she poked his chest, “or I’ll make you regret it and beg until you apologise to me.”

Kyle smiled, so smitten as he looked at her. “You like having control, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.” That being said, she pulled his hair, making him bend his head for her. “I’ll give you a pass because I am about to take your virginity,” only thinking about that made her stomach tremble, “but remember it next time. A brat gets punished.”

Kyle still smiled, testing her. “Careful, I might decide to punish you, one day.”

A shiver crossed her. They had no future, she was aware, and yet she hoped for it. She wished that one day, he’d make her whine and moan desperately under his control. “Let’s see if you can take it from me, pretty boy.” She decided she rather keep pretending that was only the beginning for them.

Erika pushed him down on the mattress and then got rid of her shorts, throwing them somewhere in the room. She was quick climbing back on him and, as soon as she did, she grabbed Kyle’s cock, massaging it into her palm and silencing whatever he was going to say. “You are so hard for me, baby.”

Kyle hissed, nodding as his hands cruised on her thighs. He bit hard on his lower lip, looking so pretty underneath her, it was insane. Erika pushed him against her bare core, rubbing herself against him and immediately was shaken by a wave of pleasure, feeling how hot and heavy his flesh was. “Do you feel how wet you got me?”

He whimpered softly, looking down at their bodies meeting. “Fuck, Erika,”

Every time he called for her name, she felt transported to another dimension.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Yes. God, yes.”

“Come here, baby. Sit up for me,” she suggested and was ready to catch him as soon as he did as she asked. She rolled an arm around his shoulders, keeping him as close as possible. She needed it. She had no intention of having an inch of space in between them as she took him deep inside of her. “I want you so bad.” Erika brushed her lips on his chin, accompanying her words rubbing herself against him once more.

Kyle trembled under her and then hissed, nodding. “Me too. Please, just fuck me.”

She didn’t let him ask her again. She was done waiting and teasing. It was time and there was no going back. She was already his. And he was hers. Only for that night.

Erika lifted her hips and positioned herself on him. She looked straight into his eyes, getting lost in them as she slowly lowered herself on his erection, taking him inch by inch as slowly as she could. Pleasure shot through her immediately, connecting her to him on a deeper level. She mirrored his expression as Kyle opened his mouth, welcoming feeling her squeezing on him and taking his virginity with a silent moan. She wasn’t quiet. He was shaken by a shiver as pain and pleasure mixed through him.

Erika sat still on him, giving him the time to process how it felt. He stretched her nicely, making her feel breathless. A proud smile quickly followed as she nodded, encouraging him. “Good boy,” she whispered, kissing the sides of his mouth, hugging him. “Pretty, sweet boy. All mine.” Erika kept lulling, getting lost in their moment.

When she moved on him, she watched him take a deep breath and hold it in his chest. Pleasure was slipping through her, making it so difficult for her not to get selfish and just take what she wanted.

“Tell me how it feels, Kyle.” Her words were accompanied by another slow thrust.

He rolled his eyes in the back of his skull as a small whimper shook his chest. “You feel-” his words were choked, “Hot. And wet. And so damn tight I can’t breathe.”

“Good?” She wondered brushing her lips across his forehead and down his nose, enjoying how he moved under her, responding to her naturally.

“So, so, good, baby.”

Erika hid her proud smile into his lips, kissing him deeply.

“I will go faster now, is that ok?”

“Please,”

Erika proceeded to ride him, bucking her hips up and down his cock with increasing speed, following the pleasure quickly mounting into her lower abdomen and spreading through her as he stroked her most sensitive spot inside of her. She didn’t care about being quiet anymore. On the contrary, she was as vocal as possible. She wanted him to hear exactly what he was doing to her.

She held onto his shoulders as her pleasure only grew, making her fingers claw. She dug her nails into his flesh, willingly leaving marks across his back.

“Fuck, baby, you feel so good,” she cooed to his ear, enjoying the little noises he made in response.

“I am so close,” he whispered sounding so desperate it sent her feral.

“Do you want to come, pretty boy?” She wandered making him look at her.

Kyle nodded, letting her see how the pleasure of being lost inside of her shaped his face.

Erika pulled his hair, making him bend his head backwards and riding him mercilessly, determined to take what she wanted. Every drop of it. “Then let it go,”

He wrapped his arms around her, squeezing his fingers on every inch of skin he could grab. He pulled down on her hips, burying himself as deep inside of her as humanly possible.

“Kyle,” she welcomed him with a moan, letting her head fall backwards. She felt him in her stomach. He choked the breath out of her chest and she loved every second of it. To the point, she started wondering how she could have got back to normality.

Kyle quivered underneath her. His breath was shaken and broken, as he erratically mumbled her name, chanting it like a prayer. And then she felt him get stiffer as pleasure shook him. He found his release quickly and violently, suffocating a loud moan into the crook of her neck and letting himself go in between her arms.

Erika felt him unload inside of her; she felt every inch of him shake in waves of pleasure, that crossed straight into her flesh, pushing her over the same edge. Her pleasure caught both by surprise. She didn’t count on coming. Not the first time anyway. Instead, her orgasm mounted violently inside of her just a moment after him. Erika came calling his name in a soft whimper, praising him and cradling him into her arms. Her quivering body squeezed him into overstimulation, making him extremely reactive to her spasms, as he gifted her with small, pretty whines, not daring to push her away but letting her ride her high.

“Fuck,” she whispered, trying to catch her breath, “you are pretty good for a good, little, virgin boy.” Erika pressed grateful kisses on his forehead and cheeks, not hiding her proud, lovestruck smile.

“I can be even better,” Kyle looked up at her, so devoted she felt his gaze into her heart. His hands cupped her face as he pulled her into a soft kiss. “You know,” he began, stroking her softly, “what I feel for you, don’t you?”

Erika had to fight against the need to hear him say it. She knew. She knew so well. Her heart sang for him. She didn’t need his words to know that if she was ready to fall he’d be there to catch her. But she couldn’t afford to hear it. Erika pressed her fingers on his lips, gently shutting him up. “Whatever, you know? Don’t say it, Kyle.”

“Why?”

“Because if you say it, I’ll have to say that I do too. And that won’t be fair.”

“We just had sex. You were my first. And somehow this is worse?”

“No. Not worse,” Erika kissed his lips softly, “I can deal with sex. I know sex. I don’t know feelings. Don’t say it, Kyle, please.” She sounded so desperate.

“Ok,” the look he sent her was just as intense, “Whatever.”

Later, that same night, Kyle laid heavily on her, fast asleep. He passed out pretty quickly after their third round. Which was another surprise he had in store for her, just like the amount of pleasure he was able to give her. He was a quick, eager learner.

She wouldn’t have forgotten that night easily. Surprisingly, the good sex her little virgin pretty boy gave her wasn’t the only reason.

Erika was lost in the quietness surrounding them. Time had slowed down. She listened to his soft snoring and softly played with his hair with one hand and stroked his back with the other. His head was nested on her chest, arms caging her under him.

It was pretty good, she thought. It was something she so desperately wanted to get used to.

Maybe, she should have revised her entire plan. Maybe, she could have stood up to her brother and faced the consequence of accepting to be in love with that sweet boy. It could have worked. She could, maybe, deserve to be happy. If only-

Erika brushed her lips softly on Kyle’s forehead. “I love you,” she whispered ever so softly. A secret no one else could know.

The bright sun flooded the room. The morning was well started as birds sang outside, traffic flowed on the road by the hotel and people walked up and down the rooms, closing doors and dragging suitcases.

But the same couldn’t be said for the occupants of the bed. Erika was oblivious. Lost in her lazy slumber, drowning in soft pillows and even softer arms. She had woken a couple of times already but had decided to roll over and ignore responsibilities, only finding Kyle’s arms ready to hug her and pull her in a deeper, warmer hug. Why would she ever consider waking up when the alternative was that sweet?

A singing maid pushed her wonky trolley through the corridor. Erika vaguely heard it creak as it moved. But it was when it got slammed carelessly against the wall just outside her door that she was finally startled awake.

As Erika jumped up, Kyle too moved, rolling on his back and taking a deep breath in. Senses came back slowly to her at first; she had a second to recollect her memories, the room looked just as messy as she was used to having it, but she knew she wasn’t home, she was in a hotel somewhere in England. Essex maybe? Or Suffolk, it didn’t matter much. Then Erika was hit by a massive headache that weighed her head down. She felt it in her teeth. Behind her eyes. Under her ears. Into her fingertips and toes. Her stomach twisted.

“Ugh,” she hissed, letting herself fall back on the mattress, covering her eyes with her arm.

“’orning,” Kyle mumbled, stretching on the mattress next to her. “Did you sleep well?”

It took her a second longer to remember everything else. Mark. Kyle. The sex. The feelings. Panic started to set inside of her, making adrenaline fire up in her veins, giving her the familiar fight-or-flight feeling she was so used to dealing with running.

“Shit,” she kicked her sheets off, jumping off the bed looking for something, anything, to wear to cover herself up.

Kyle sat up, frowning, rubbing his hands on his face.

Erika took a moment to look at him, not even realising she had stopped only to think how pretty he was just awake, skin kissed by the sun. Or maybe it was everything they shared that made her want to drop everything else, slip back into bed and let him know how much she had no intention of letting him go, ever.

“What is it?” He wondered, leaning his head to the side, puzzled.

Erika got shaken back into reality and went back to her hasted movements. “You weren’t supposed to sleep here all night,” she warned directly looking at him.

“OK? So?”

“Get up,” Erika threw his t-shirt back at him. “You went M.I.A. all night, you know what that means? Mark has probably lost his mind by now.”

Kyle shook his head. “I don’t care, I am an adult. He’ll be fine.”

“No. He won’t.” Erika shook her head, “Trust me, Kyle. He won’t. Not about this.”

Kyle shook himself awake, trying to connect her words to a deeper meaning, even though his face remained only puzzled. “Slow down,” he hinted, moving to the edge of the bed to grab her by the arm and stop her erratic moving around. Kyle pulled her closer to him, and, against her better judgment, she let him. “Explain what’s going on to me, please?”

“I am kicking you out.” Erika sighed sadly. “And Mark can never know this happened,” she pointed in between them, “He won’t forgive me, ever. He doesn’t want me to be with you. He made it pretty clear last night.”

“Is that what happened at the pub? Why you left?”

“Yeah,”

“Erika,” Kyle tried to catch her gaze, “I don’t care what Mark thinks, I want to be with you.”

“No. You don’t. I have a past. I did terrible things. Mark knows every single one of those things. He knows better what’s good for me. You might be good for me, there’s hardly a person you wouldn’t be good for. But I am not good for you. He’s right on that.”

“Do I get an opinion about this?”

Erika looked up into his eyes, silently begging him to stop. “Please, Kyle, don’t go there.”

“Hey, hey,” Kyle cupped her face, making her look at him, trying to scoop her out of her panic. “I don’t care about all of that. Whatever you were before I met you won’t change the girl I fell for now. You don’t want to tell your brother? Fine by me. Just tell me you are ok.”

“I’m,” Erika was ready to slip off his hold and yet, somehow, there was something in his gaze that hooked her. “I’m ok,” she whispered leaning in to give him a quick kiss, “But you need to go.”

“Ok,” Kyle still pulled a cheeky smile, pulling her into a kiss. Then, he hopped off the bed and back into his clothes. “I’ll see you at breakfast?”

“Food. God, yes. Let’s hope we’ll be on time for it.”

He still hung by the door, looking back at her. His lips were bent in a stupid smile, his gaze, as he looked at her, was completely smitten. “For what is worth, I am glad we did what we did.”

She stood by a forked road; she was looking at her options and felt like both led to ruin. One represented something sweeter, that would have hurt so much more when everything would have gone up in flames. The other was jumping into the void now.

Erika was well aware of what she had been telling herself all night. She knew what she was supposed to do. What she thought was the best course of action. And yet, now, standing there, she was just a lovestruck girl, looking at a boy she liked so much her chest hurt only thinking about it. It was hard to breathe. She told herself she would have been able to shake herself back to normal. She was convinced she could have scratched that itch for him and then go at breaking his heart as if nothing mattered. Except she lied.

Her itch to scratch was only becoming bigger. About a lifetime size, right now. How would one shake that?

“Me too,” she admitted, pulling a soft smile. “Now go, you idiot,” she chuckled, hinting at the door. “I’ll see you later.”

As soon as Kyle left the room and Erika was left alone, her despair and torment took over her, stripping her of every good feeling and intention that was giving her a shred of hope.

She wasn’t going to be able to make him happy. Maybe for a few weeks, it would have worked, but not for long. She wasn’t enough for him. She would have never been enough, and when Kyle realised that too, it would have been the end of her. She was addicted to how he made her feel, now, because he didn’t know who she had been before and made her feel so good about everything she was and did. But what about when he’d look at her with regrets and resentment, realising he had made a mistake trusting someone like her?

Erika forced herself to shove those thoughts to the side and got in the shower, doing her best to delay the panic attack she felt mounting into her chest.

Breathing in the steam and getting lost in the soft smell of her fresh shower gel that always reminded her of a shower took in the evening after a long summer day spent at the beach was reassuring. She let the hot water run across her skin. It was a compromise between the sadness of washing away the traces of the night she spent with Kyle and the relaxation her tensed nerves found.

By the time she was done with the shower and brushed her teeth, it was almost ten o’clock and Erika had barely time to dress up and ran out of her room if she wanted to catch the breakfast. She needed it. She realised that besides a few chips and the tequila she drunk last night, she had been fasting since lunch the day before. She needed to eat some solid food, to drink a coffee and possibly some orange juice. God, she hoped to find some.

Erika entered the restaurant on a trot, welcoming the familiar smell of the breakfast canteen every hotel seemed to have with a soft smile. Most tables were being cleaned up. Most food from the buffet was gone, like the fresh pastries. But she made it. Nothing else mattered. She could see the filter coffee pot on the side and thought “life is good”.

She turned over, looking into the room, finding both Mark and Kyle sat at a table by the window. The table was a mess. Mark sat in front of Kyle, he had several stacked-up plates in front of him, already empty, probably from a while, and was enjoying some coffee, while Kyle was deep into his full breakfast. They were chitchatting joyfully, big smiles on both their faces. And Erika took a moment to just enjoy seeing them like that. She wished she had her camera on her. They were both so beautiful and without a worry in the world.

Her chest ached.

As soon as she moved, Kyle caught a glimpse of her and his eyes didn’t leave her. His cheeks immediately blushed softly as his bright eyes glimmered. There was something, in his gaze, that couldn’t be mistaken. He looked like someone who’d seen her naked. He gifted her a large smile as she approached the table.

“Hey,”

“Good morning,” Erika avoided eye contact, pushing her damp hair behind her ear as if that could mask the guilty look she had on her face. She knew Mark was looking at them, she felt his eyes suspiciously moving on her.

“Saved you the last croissant,” Kyle pushed the little plate with the golden pastry cooked to perfection closer to her.

Erika wanted to smack him, and at the same time, everything she wanted to do was to kiss him and express her utmost devotion to his sweet concern. She had to bite her tongue not to. Not when Mark was there.

They had no chance of trying to hide anything from her brother.

“Thanks,” again, she ignored Kyle as much as she could. Clearing her voice, she finally looked at Mark, finding him waiting. He read right through her. Erika immediately looked away, regretting every decision she took in the last twenty-four hours. “Ok, then, I’ll go grab myself some coffee.”

She turned over, leaving them both and went hiding at the buffet counter, weighing her options.

She could have made a run for it; the door was just to her left. Maybe there was a way to never face the consequences of her actions. Cowardice, for sure. But also, she felt it could have been easy to pack her stuff, drop her job and disappear. After all, how many times did she think about it before?

Erika made herself a glass of orange juice and gulped it down and then made another.

No. That was ridiculous. She could never do that.

Fake even when brought up in front of the crushing evidence that she was, in fact, in love with Kyle and nothing could erase what they did last night? Yes. That was better.

Erika poured herself a cup of black filter coffee, wondering if it would have tasted just as disgusting as any other hotel breakfast buffet filter coffee.

“The fuck is up with you two!?”

Mark’s sudden interruption startled her enough that she almost dropped her cups. “Shit, mate, you scared me.”

He casually poured himself a cup of coffee, even though Erika suspected that was just an excuse to get closer to her. “Don’t deflect, sis. What did you do?”

“Nothing,” she lied, shrugging.

Mark grumbled, shaking his head, so disappointed in her he didn’t even need to say anything to hurt her. “The way he looks at you it’s not nothing. And since when you are fucking shy!? C’mon, cut the crap.”

“What do you want me to say!? If I look at him you come at me because I do. And if I don’t you still-”

“Hey,” Mark pointed a finger in her face, “you think I am an idiot? I know you. What did you do!? Are you trying to stand up to me or something, playing with him in the process?”

Erika put her cups down and decided there and then that she was done. She wasn’t a coward who’d run away so easily or ignored the situation forever. Not anymore.

Anger flooded straight through her, firing up her nervous system, and making her squeeze her fists. “You think so little of me?”

“I think I know you. I think I’ve seen enough of your little whims and games. I think I don’t want to see you play with him and end up ruining him, just like you do with everything.”

“Mark,” Erika gasped, hit deeply by his words, shaking her head. “Do you hear yourself?”

“Can you blame me, sis?”

“You are supposed to be in my corner,” she was the one pointing at him now, openly confronting him. “You are supposed to support me.”

“Not with Kyle, I don’t. We both know you’ll get tired of him so quickly. As soon as you are done getting your ego fed by how differently he treats you, you’ll go back to seeking the thrill like you always do. Just leave him alone.”

“Say it,” she hissed. “Say how you think a good-for-nothing, junky, slut like me will never deserve someone like him. I fucking dare you.”

Mark huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’ll never say that to you.”

“Well, you already did. You are thinking about it. Might as well use the real words you are thinking, uh? Have the guts to go all the way, at least.”

“Fine,”

Erika gasped, feeling the air being taken out of her chest. She hoped until the end he wouldn’t agree with her. She gave him the benefit of the doubt, grasping on her last shred of trust in her brother, that he’d never go so low. And yet, she was wrong.

Of all the people in her life, even Kyle, Mark was the one most capable of destroying her.

And he just did.

“Fuck you,” Erika fought back her tears, not intentioned to give him the satisfaction to see how deeply he just hurt her. “Anything that will happen now it’s your fault. I want you to know. I want you to feel it. And regret it.”

“Erika,”

The second he tried to hold her, she pushed him back, spitting in his face. “No. You fucking bastard. You don’t get to annihilate me and shit all over everything I have done in my life, the good and the bad, in one minute, and then feel better about it.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What are you going to do?”

“Break his fucking heart for one. I could have made him happy. Maybe,” this time she didn’t hide her tears. “But you had to happen to me. I hate you. And then I am going to shoot some heroin,” Erika smiled maniacally, “Hope to die in the process and stay on your fucking conscience forever,”

Pushing Mark off again, Erika stormed out, too shaken to even consider staying, too distraught to remember about her hunger or dehydration. Who cared about those things? They weren’t important anymore.

She needed to think. She needed space. She needed a smoke so bad.

“Erika, wait,”

“Kyle, get fucked,” she hissed, not stopping her march through the lobby.

“Baby, hold on,” he caught up on her easily and tried to grab her, only for Erika to immediately fight him too.

“What!? What do you want from me, Kyle!?”

Her harsh tone clearly hurt him. Part of her wanted to apologise and hold him and let him hold her and give her all the love and support he had in him. But the rest of her didn’t allow it. She wouldn’t have allowed anyone to hurt her like Mark did. She couldn’t trust anyone, ever. It would have made her only vulnerable. Weak.

Hurting Kyle got rid of the problem. He was the only person left who saw something in her. She sure didn’t anymore. And hurting him would have hurt Mark, just like he deserved.

It didn’t matter how much it would have hurt her. She was already in hell by that point, reliving everything she had done, everything she was and wondering why she ever tried to become better when there was no chance for her.

“I need to make sure you are ok.”

“Well, I am not ok. Do you know why? Because of you. Do you want to know what!?” She burst out, “I didn’t want to say anything before because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I want nothing more to do with you. We had sex, it was fun, thanks, I needed it. And now I got what I wanted and you lost your shine to me.”

“You don’t mean that, I know you don’t.”

“Watch me meaning it.” She turned over, walking out of the hotel, only to grumble when she realised Kyle was still there. “Stop following me around like a lost puppy,”

“Erika, stop for a second, will you?”

“Why?” She did stop. And she did face him. Ready to regret everything she was going to do from there to a minute time. “So that I can look you in the eye and tell you I don’t want to see you anymore? I’ve got everything you had to give and I am done now?” Erika’s conviction in the terrible things she was saying was so true all her lies seemed real. Even to her, for a second. Enough for her not to feel her chest being ripped apart by her own hands. The world was going up in flames around her and she was ready to dance in it. “I don’t need a lost little boy who still has to learn everything in my life. I need myself a man.”

“I-” he stumbled in his own words, genuinely hurt now.

“Make everyone a favour and go back to your silly little life, playing pretend on rings in small gyms in forsaken places around the country, and leave me alone,” she dismissed him turning around, digging into her hoody pocket in search of her cigarettes. “Go back to Mark.”

She knew it took him some time to decide to retreat back inside and when Kyle finally did leave her alone, Erika felt free to let her pain slash through her. Her shoulders bent under the weight of the rubbles of her crumbling world. Hope was lost. And she found some sort of comfort in her despair. It was something familiar that she welcomed like an old friend.

She cried quietly, hiding behind a corner, finishing her cigarette, hanging desperately on the nicotine fix like it was her only lifeline. When she was done, she immediately lit herself another and waited. She wasn’t enjoying it. She wasn’t taking the moment in and soaking under the morning sun, enjoying the warm air smelling of spring. The only thing she wanted to do was to run. She was only taking a second to gather her nerves up and make a plan.

Maybe it was time to disappear. Maybe it was time to go home. Who did she think to fool? She wasn’t so strong as she thought. She would have never escaped her past. It would have always ended up that way.

[isabelpsaroslunnen]

My best friend and I have been watching Star Trek: The Original Series for months, mostly because we're both sometimes busy and can't coordinate, but he does adore Star Trek (it is hard to overstate how much, except with regard to Picard) and even though I'm a TNG kid, I am almost always having a great time with it.

Overall: I love the stage-y Pepto-Bismol meets bisexual flag aesthetic of so much of the show, the actual bisexual vibes of so many characters (unintentionally? allegedly? I guess?), the effects that have aged remarkably well almost as much as the ones that have aged terribly, but are part of its charm, and of course, many of the characters. And I definitely have enjoyed the mixture of cheesy silliness with deeply earnest aspirations towards transcending its own era, even though it falls short (I'm an early modernist; I have a high tolerance for works that are ultimately of their times, but visibly trying to cut through the miasma of their eras' norms).

Anyway, some thoughts on each episode I've seen thus far!

[It's every episode up to "Metamorphosis", so there are a lot.]

1— "Where No Man Has Gone Before" - a pretty solid way to start the experience for me, and I see the religious skepticism has been baked in from very early, even though it's obviously still finding its footing at this point. I actually enjoyed seeing the wobbly character dynamics and world-building as it's figuring itself out.

2— "The Man Trap" - I really enjoyed this one! Despite some fundamental silliness, there's an interesting mix of horror and pathos (I support the salt vampire!).

3— "Charlie X" - a mixture of "oh God, poor Janice" (an impression that will repeat often) and an interesting take on the interaction of power and youthful masculinity. Charlie's outrage at his desires being stymied by literally anything or anyone at any time feels unfortunately timely, as does his petty vindictiveness against ... um, every woman ever, and Kirk's entirely correct lecture about it. I also found something particularly intriguing in the contrast between Charlie's admiration of Kirk's form of masculinity and how viscerally threatened he is by Spock.

4— "The Naked Time" - I adored this episode with zero irony. I particularly loved the revelation that Spock is ashamed of his feelings for Kirk (......) and the guilt he feels over his emotional distance from his mother combined with his understanding of how isolated she must feel in Vulcan culture. But I also laughed through the entire rest of the episode. Just a great time.

5— "The Enemy Within" - oh, hella yikes take on, uh, the inherent need for a good leader to have an anxious, violent, rapist side to his personality kept under control by a fearless, but vacillating and cerebral other side. (The premise seems even more egregious after "The Galileo Seven" makes a whole episode out of the idea that Spock's intellectual discipline and reserve undermine his leadership capabilities unless he behaves in a way that can be seen as fitting into human emotional norms.) I did cackle over the space dog fluffy alien creature and its evil twin, but poor Janice x100 :(

6— "Mudd's Women" - easily the worst episode to date, good God. Quite apart from "I guess sometimes you just have to be complicit in sex trafficking carried out by a lovable scamp who definitely hasn't gotten the post-capitalism newsletter" and the godawful ending, I am baffled by everyone on the Enterprise acting like they've never seen a beautiful woman. None of Mudd's women can hold a candle to Uhura (who I think isn't even in this episode?) and women getting obsessed by eternal beauty and devoting themselves to unappealing men is a tiresome aspect of ST that I wish had stopped here. Or never shown up at all.

7— "What Are Little Girls Made Of" - ah, the iconic phallic stalagmite! Nice to have context. I appreciate how smart and resourceful Kirk ends up being here. I liked Shatner's performance as the Kirk clone (he's actually been good in all the various Evil Kirk performances I've seen thus far), too. But I also really liked Spock's entirely justified annoyance at Kirk using racial slurs to communicate IT'S NOT ME.

8— "Miri" - this one is unfortunately dragged down by Kirk using his femme fatale allure with a girl framed as barely pubescent even if the actress was technically an adult. He's clearly not remotely attracted to her and working to save his crew, but it's still really unpleasant to watch, especially with a very young-looking actress. That said, the disease is creepy as hell, and it's a great McCoy episode. I was pretty fascinated as well by the concept of a drastically protracted childhood where the horror is not being trapped in the body of a child, but of actually remaining a child for enormous lengths of time.

9— "Dagger of the Mind" - this one would have been pretty mediocre, in all honesty, if not for the existence of Helen Noel. Helen is staggeringly beautiful, yes, but she is also better than everyone else in this episode, even my usual fave Spock. I like Kirk a lot and I still don't know what she sees in him.

10— "The Corbomite Maneuver" - it's a fun episode with some very good lines, but a bit like cotton candy.

11— "The Menagerie" - I had heard about this one, but didn't know all the details! The show-within-the-show only slightly strains credulity, and the plot is certainly more compelling than SNW (sorry to SNW fans; I watched a few episodes and it was fine, but too polished and heterosexual to feel like a true prequel to the boundary-pushing Candyland of TOS).

12— "The Conscience of the King" - this one was a bit over-theatrical in the most literal way, but I still really enjoyed it. The episode provides a genuinely fascinating backstory for Kirk, revealing that in his youth, he was a survivor of a terrible atrocity (and from what else we've heard, it seems he was moved elsewhere and became a bullied nerd for awhile before finding his true calling in space). The "real" villain of the episode doesn't really work for me, but doesn't need to, because her villainy is vastly and rightly overshadowed by the atrocity.

13— "Balance of Terror" - I can't describe this episode any other way: it fucking rules. This is maybe my favorite Star Trek episode that I can remember ever seeing. The revelation of the Vulcan-Romulan kinship is super compelling, and the intensity to this episode's take on the frequent Spock vs the Microaggressions subplot feels entirely organic and believable.

14— "Shore Leave" - fine, but rather a letdown after the glory of the previous one. The back rub early in the episode is as hilariously unsubtle as reported, and Spock's emphatic indifference to the sexbot ladies is, hmm, interesting. Otherwise, it is silly, entertaining-enough ST ephemera for me. I like these episodes existing as part of ST as a whole, but also don't feel especially invested in most individual cases of it. And God, Kirk's youthful nemesis Finnegan is so incredibly obnoxious and his little jig motif is so awful that (given "The Naked Time") I'm starting to wonder what gripe Star Trek has with Irish people.

15— "The Galileo Seven" - you know how I said that Spock vs the Microaggressions is a frequent subplot in these episodes? This one is "what if that was just the whole episode?" It's not terrible, but it's not terribly interesting, either, and the implications are pretty gross if you think about them.

16— "The Squire of Gothos" - I guessed the reveal a bit early in this one, but not in a way that made me feel like it was super obvious. The hints were there if you were paying attention, so it was rewarding to figure it out, but not obvious. Spock's speech about intellectual discipline and power really speaks to me right now, by the way.

17— "Arena" - the Gorn finally appear! Or a Gorn, anyway, and it's kind of wild that the 1967 episode's twist is that the real villain is colonialism, not the Gorn at all. Yet in 2020s Star Trek ... well, anyway, it's a good episode despite the incredibly dated monster effects.

18— "Tomorrow is Yesterday" - time travelllllll hell yeah, and it's quite a decent plot.

19— "Court Martial" - this one was tense and interesting, though I don't have much to say about it apart from really liking the lawyers.

20— "The Return of the Archons" - this was actually very effective, quiet terror for me (maybe extra for me as a queer person raised Mormon, lol). I think it also has one of the better instances of Kirk Fries A Machine With Logic.

21— "Space Seed" - an absolutely fascinating villain alongside absolutely dire gender politics. I did like seeing Khan for the first time.

22— "A Taste of Armageddon" - this had a very interesting war game concept, but I don't remember much about the episode beyond the concept tbh. It was fine.

23— "This Side of Paradise" - this one was interesting, especially given the allure of the "paradise" for Spock specifically (also for everyone else, but there's something especially bitter about whatshername's total indifference to his consent, and yet how complicated his feelings end up being about the whole thing). Kirk's fixation on his authority!!!!! in this episode feels unappealing and rather strange, but I didn't think it was really all about authority and The Human Need For Struggle(TM) that ST will keep returning to (don't like that aspect, though!).

24— "The Devil in the Dark" - an excellent episode IMO, including the incredibly dated rock alien special effects. Wouldn't have it any other way! I honestly appreciate how often the reveal in TOS has been that a scary "monster" is just some innocent person from another species getting screwed over by human ignorance and colonizing.

25— "Errand of Mercy" - Kirk is a patronizing asshole in this episode, can't lie, but given that he's being very obviously paralleled with the Klingon officer, it serves a function that's at least interesting. I'd like if that aspect of his personality went somewhere a bit more cohesively, but I'd rather have the episodic yet forwards propulsion of TOS as a whole, so it's okay.

26— "The Alternative Factor" - this has an interesting concept, but I remember thinking that it was forcing a bunch of usually competent people to make some very stupid decisions (though, tangentially, the fact that this is a change from the norm is at least something: I really enjoy that TOS in general avoids my beloathèd "our protagonists are the protagonists of the entire setting and every other character is an NPC who lacks moral vision and competence independent of the protagonists' influence"). I will say that the repetition of the alternate-universe effect is honestly pretty bad even when I'm grading on a 60s curve.

27— "The City on the Edge of Forever" - this is a very compelling, tightly-written episode that does good character work for Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, even if its underlying premise is a bit challenging to buy at points. I always enjoy getting to see McCoy's medical ethos at play, as we do here. Spock's jealousy is also amusingly transparent against all the high drama.

28— "Operation -- Annihilate!" - this is a hilarious title for a pretty good episode, actually. I enjoyed it and especially enjoyed Leonard Nimoy's performance as Spock here. It's not like I ever don't, but it did some substantial heavy lifting.

29— "Amok Time" - so it turns out, the Spock/Kirk fans have not been exaggerating all these years. I didn't think it was likely they had, just given what I've seen this far, but damn. This is a fantastic episode, it's got interesting world-building for Vulcan, it's incredibly homoerotic even by TOS standards, and despite my fondness for Spock and Kirk, goodforher.jpeg with respect to T'Pring. If Vulcan men don't want their childhood brides plotting their deaths, maybe they should legalize divorce! Just a thought.

30— "Who Mourns for Adonais" - so this episode relies on "actually, every broadly appropriated cultural detail from an exotic distant land was just given to its people by ancient aliens," only this time, it's targeting Greeks! It does get details about ancient Greek culture and religion very wrong, if anyone was wondering. In any case, I guess Star Trek's weird issues with "ethnic whites" is not only with the Irish, though given that my father's background is specifically Greco-Irish, it feels like a weird personal attack. That aside, while "ancient aliens did it all!!!" was not as much of a thing at the time as now, Greek people were definitely more racialized in the USA then, so the use of the trope here was not as trivial as I think it can "read" to modern audiences, esp in the USA.

Apollo's actor does a good job with some hard dialogue, I will say, but I really wish Carolyn had just been playing along and biding her time rather than obviously being a silly female swayed by flattery of her beauty and delusions of vicarious power. Kirk's speech to her is good, but really dragged down by how bad the writing for her is. I did like Kirk's "actually, I'm a strict monotheist" retort to Apollo, though. I know Kirk's characterization eventually goes down a different route, but given the heavy involvement of Jewish people including Shatner in Star Trek (despite Roddenberry's antisemitism), and the historical use of the Greek and Roman pantheons in the oppression of Jewish communities, Kirk's indignation at the idea of worshipping any other god feels apropos.

31— "The Changeling" - Jim Kirk DESTROYS another implacable machine foe with LOGIC!!!! I can just imagine the YouTube series now. Seriously, though, it's fine and a drastic improvement from the previous episode, and I always enjoy a solid ST:TOS episode while I'm watching it. But it was not exceptional IMO.

32— "Mirror, Mirror" - YESSSSS I TOO GET TO EXPERIENCE THE MIRROR UNIVERSE. I loved this episode, honestly. The Mirror Universe is terrible, but super fun both in concept and execution. I love the competence of the prime universe team in the brief cut to them immediately clocking Mirror Kirk's group as imposters (though I did want more from Mirror Uhura who is just kind of there, though...). I love Mirror Spock being this warped but recognizable version of the character. I love the concept of Mirror Kirk being the perpetrator of war crimes exactly like Kirk's formative trauma back in "The Conscience of the King." I love the evil cutthroat BDSM space Byzantines vibes of the Terran Empire (is there an unimaginably decadent and deadly Byzantine Empire in the history of the Mirror Universe? I hope so. We deserve it after "Who Mourns for Adonais" tbh).

33— "The Apple" - this is a pretty fun one. The protagonists as the sort of serpent of this "Edenic" garden, coupled with the awful god creature is super entertaining, and it works well enough despite the show's erratic approach to religion.

34— "The Doomsday Machine" - damn, the commander in this episode is such an asshole. He's clearly meant to be, though, and his Ahab campaign turning out to not be entirely in vain at least makes it seem like there's a point to spending so much time on him being the worst.

35— "The Catspaw" - by coincidence, my best friend and I ended up watching this not far into November, just a few days after Halloween. About five minutes in, I said to him, "Is it just me, or is that castle clearly just Spirit Halloween?" He delightedly said, "This planet is Spirit Halloween!"

There's a bit of racial essentialism about ALL HUMANS that would be uncomfortable if it were not so patently ridiculous. The idea is that human beings have a basic racial fear of cats that the tiny aliens exploit—yes, "cats" in this episode refers mainly to the human fear of the house cat, aka the most successful and beloved domestic species on Earth, not lions or even cougars. The alien terrorizes the cast by taking the shape of a fluffy black house cat of varying sizes, but never any other kind of cat. This concept is hilarious, just to be clear. I enjoyed every moment. Even a super-large house cat is just even more friend-shaped floof to your basic human, let's be real, so the deadly threat is impossible to take seriously even before the giant house cat is revealed to be an incredibly horny alien lady with illusion powers (this persona is also an illusion, but the horniness is real). But are not all cats at some level horny alien ladies with illusion powers? I feel pretty sure that Star Trek thinks so.

36— "I, Mudd" - and the award for Most Improved Character has got to go to Harry Mudd. My bff and I actually had a great time with this episode, in part because the entire cast seem to be having a great time with it. I especially loved the twist with Uhura seeming to fall to the womanly weakness of desiring eternal beauty and the easy life only for it to be a trick. Mudd is still a sleaze, but a much funner one to watch this time, and we've just started quoting Spock's "He didn't pay the royalties" at random moments. The stereotypical nagging wife is what it is, but I'm grading Mudd episodes on an extra curve.

37— "Metamorphosis" - and at least, we've reached the most recent episode I've seen, so my impressions of this one are much more fresh. Somehow, I had no idea we first met Zefram Cochrane in TOS and not in First Contact. Also, wow, the actors for him and for the Commissioner are really attractive—not quirky 60s attractive, either. Cochrane reminds me vaguely of Henry Cavill and the Commissioner is simply gorgeous despite the blinding color scheme of her costume.

The gender essentialism sure is something at this point, I've got to say, when the characters are blandly agreeing that of course a sentient electric cloud must have a fundamental gender that you can kind of tell by the color scheme. Uh huh, but it is genuinely interesting that Cochrane clearly cares about the cloud and tries to protect her from our heroes until he realizes she loves him, but is so affronted at the idea of the cloud being in love with him and his (very obviously sexualized) communion and companionship with her being part of that.

He projects his revulsion primarily onto Spock (Spock vs the Microaggressions strikes again!), but literally everyone finds his attitude narrow-minded and weird. The feeling is kind of like if you met an idolized long-dead relative only for them to use a homophobic slur you've never even heard of.

The resolution of this little drama comes from the cloud bodysnatching the dying Commissioner, a young woman who longs to be loved by anyone at all after a life of being a loveless career woman. She is, to be clear, a career woman whose job is all about preventing warfare and who is deeply stressed about it, which seems a kind of love to me. But she is mostly framed just as this super abrasive, loveless career woman because it's TOS (and they eventually conclude that any woman could do her job and they'll just find a different one to stop the war).

Anyway, all this results in the somehow-female cloud fusing with what remains of the Commissioner's consciousness, curing her body of some fatal disease. Now that the cloud is fused with an actual (hot) human woman, Cochrane is totally chill with her love for him, and decides he can have a very strange threesome love her after all, and they'll live out these bodies' natural lives together until they both die (since she lost her electric cloud powers of healing and immortality when she bodysnatched the Commissioner, I gather). It feels weird and low-grade shitty on his part, although I like his actor's performance, because it makes it so clear that his aversion was only about appearances.

I think the cloud should have moved onto someone who would appreciate her devotion and restorative powers, like, say, the dying Commissioner lady who actually has this whole speech about how badly she longs to be loved and how she doesn't get why Cochrane is being such a baby about the adoration of a cloud. Look, I'm just saying the cloud could be bi and deserves someone who would appreciate her.

I know this was never going to happen on a nationally syndicated show in 1967, but I think it would make more narrative sense and be much more satisfying! Cochrane would love space adventures 150 years in the future—he was thrilled and excited about the idea of seeing the reality of the Federation and alliances with other species! And the Commissioner would appreciate a cloud girlfriend and immortality so much more than him. Hire me, Paramount.

[likeawolfatthemoon]

a couple years after high school, one of our classmates who was bullied very badly committed suicide.

a few months leading up to this, i had been having a very nasty gut feeling and had tried reaching out to a few people to see if i could get in touch with him just to see how he was doing. like we were never really friends, but we were kind to one another and both bullied, so there was a camaraderie in that. but i was never able to reach him, then that happened, and i carried a very heavy survivor's guilt for not trying harder despite drowning in my own depression and traumatic circumstances.

but i've processed that, it's beside the point.

our high school was a small ~christian~ school that fancied themselves a community which...i'm sure you can imagine exactly the dynamic there. all white, upper middle class, conservative on the outside - judgemental, hypocritical, insidious to the core. and all of those families showed up to the funeral. with their kids (i guess technically adults, but i still saw myself as a kid, so they were too). the same kids that i watched day after day, relentlessly beat down the spirit of someone who tried so hard to still find joy and kindness in the world.

and i took such a great, personal offense to the fact that they were even allowed to be present. to share the same space as people who were mourning a loss they undoubtedly had a hand in. and i don't pretend to know what any of them were feeling, whether they were repentant or bored or were secretly joking with each other in texts between the hymns. but that is the exact feeling i carry with me to this day. that people who were raised thinking they deserved grace have absolved themselves of every sin before the effects of it even touch another person.

but even that is beside the point.

the point is, my Significant Blurred Line Codependent Teenage Best Friend With Whom I Would Eventually Have a Very Dramatic Falling Out made me promise her to not let shitty people into her funeral. like, in a very serious way, a way that young girls teetering on the precipice of a lifetime spent in therapy have.

well over ten years since i've seen or heard from her, i still think about that. how i'm not going to fulfill that promise, nor she for me, and in fact either of us may very well be on the shit lists. but i also think...i don't want to see her, or hear her, or talk to her ever again...but i don't think i would begrudge her mourning me. actually, i hope she mourns me and our friendship presently and has been for a decade. she's been a ghost to me longer than i knew her, but i would mourn if i knew of her passing. because even though she's someone i don't know anymore, she still contains all the parts that i do know.

the weird 15 year old wearing shoes with cat ears in bible class. that i got in trouble for holding hands with in the hall. the 16 year old that took me on my first date on valentine's day. that introduced me to my favorite band, that i would fall asleep listening to. who i would send letters back and forth to in the mail, so we would have something to look forward to, always spinning a preposterous web of stories - usually containing dr. phil and this week's list of hilarious vocabulary words from her little sister? the first person i told i was attracted to girls. who "needed a break" after i told her that. the person who inspired me to start looking deeper into borderline personality disorder because it sounded like her (the irony lovers out there waiting for me to hit MY diagnosis 5+ years down the line). the first person (besides my mother) that promised me unconditionally, unequivocally that they loved me. the person who showed me old gregg (and the fact that i could still piss myself laughing over "easy, fuzzy lil man peach"). the person who chose other people over me time and time again, literally *leaving* hanging out with me to go hang out with other people. who cried and screamed when i hung out with people without her. the person with whom i shared a weird obsession with conan o'brien. the person i talked down from hallucinations in my kitchen after she smoked laced weed. the 20 something woman who accused me of being in love with her like a betrayal of her trust. who of course took her customary-by-then several months break after this accusation. and as always waltzed back when she needed someone to listen and be there for her. and i did. until something finally snapped and i just...didn't have the emotional bandwidth anymore. and one unanswered text turned into three, which turned into a voicemail, which turned into a wall of text, and then days and days and days of constant alerts. hundreds of calls. sobbing crying voicemails, threats of suicide, screaming, accusations, name calling, then more sobbing and crying. and it seemed like i never stopped receiving texts. and this entire time, i felt like the person in the wrong, but i just wanted it to stop. i responded one time, the first day, after the first threat of hurting herself. and the tone shift upon my response from desperate and pleading and hopeless to pure anger...solidified my resolve. but it didn't absolve the guilt i felt from every notification. it was months before they finally stopped completely. sometimes i still feel a zap of anxiety when i see her name written out on someone else's social media somewhere, it's a common enough name.

it's a strange burden to bear, a mourning for a person who existed but doesn't now, whose status on the earth is actually unknown to you. schroedinger's grief.

to mourn someone you could've helped, but didn't. or might've helped, but couldn't.

and i wonder how other people seem to not carry grief with them so wholly and ever-present.

and i don't mean the kind you would expect, like for my mom who died long before she took her last breath, or the child i could have been if x, y, and z were different.

i mean the constant grief, for every moment you leave behind and every person you can't content. and maybe that's not grief, maybe that's guilt. and the razor thin line all of these feelings walk over love. maybe love is an accusation of guilt. maybe it's okay to be guilty.

[adriannanderson]

Sudden stop

Hi sweet boy

We wonder if uncle Sam was able to join you when his earthly life ended last week

Our hope is that the two of you are together

Sober Sam is one of the coolest people you'll ever meet

He'll make you laugh a lot 🥰

Layten is still with us, and we are working on ensuring he gets to stay with us until he's an adult

I told someone yesterday that I always wanted 2 kids by 30 and have been blessed with 5 kids by 42

You just never know what your life may bring

The loss of another brother, and the loss of a father, has been nothing less than miserable for our family

We are pretty well versed on grief, as we've handled our share of people we love gone too soon

But it turns out, this loss is setting us back significantly

Since Uncle Sam's passing, your dad has been wound up and hurting in a way I have not seen since he lost you

There are a lot of dynamics causing that, but the root is certainly grief

The same day that I was admitted to the hospital, he began having extreme pain in his abdomen that they suspect are a reaction to a faulty gall bladder

So my right hand man, the guy that always steps in when I'm unable to be somewhere, is out of commission too

I ended up being admitted after I have been experiencing extreme fatigue since Sam passed

I just know grief is heavy and I knew this valley is deep, but I'll come out on the other side

This would be no different

But overall felt like I was handling things ok!

Day to day life was at an all time high, as far as responsibilities this week - 4 track meets, 3 that I haven't been able to attend bc of my health, as well as preschool conferences that I had to reschedule, and most important of all, Coops junior prom

Meetings, decorating, after prom responsibilities

Pictures to be taken and places to be that require a shower and looking decent

Except I can't stand long enough without getting weak

I just can't even think on it for 2 seconds without getting tears

I really wanted that day to just be about your big brother

He assures me that he will not be bummed if I can't be there, that it will be ok

But he doesn't know a mama's heart

It will not be ok for a few

But there is still a chance I could rally before then

Today is really really hard and does not make me feel like tomorrow is going to be an option

I overdosed myself on calcium (note to others, you CAN eat too many tums!) Then had a very serious panic attack - either brought on by the calcium or the long list of things scrolling through my head on repeat

Either way, my heart rate and BP were very high for hours, one med that they had me try to lower calcium per Mercy dropped my BP so fast I could no longer move my limbs or talk like normal - that one goes in my chart as NO THANKS NEVER AGAIN

There were talks of sending me north and I did NOT want that. I was receiving so much care and support from our wayne county hospital staff that I knew could not be topped in a large facility

I was able to get some sleep about 430 am - 9am Thursday morning

When I woke, my nurse told me that my calcium level was down to 11 from over 14 and that I was able to go home

Music to my ears

But how did they check my level??

Oh ya know, just took blood while I was passed the heck out!

Lolol that was a first for me!

Thursday was sleep, all day and all night

Today I'm awaiting news on newest levels, and continuing to rest, as my head and body are too cloudy to do much else

I've been crying on and off since Wednesday, and decided I had to write to you

To try and empty my mind and relieve myself of the loop in my mind

House - a mess

Laundry - will never be done

Dogs - need baths

Work - Preschool conferences and DK/K recommendations - now I have to reschedule everyone during the 1st week of ball practice😭😭😭

Em - where's she going after school? Moms, Shelbys, cierras…..

Coop has study table - does he need help getting that grade up or is he just being lazy and not turning stuff in

Carsyn - are we helping her make the right decisions concerning how she spends her time? She's really worried about her mom.I think and I hate that I'm the cause

Layten- can't really speak on him too much without another serious cry sesh bc I think his pain level is immense and I want to be able to not mess this mom thing up for him. He deserves a few years of just being a high school kid with no adult worries. And no matter what, we'll never be able to replace his dad, who he loves with all his heart

After prom - I should either be at Carsyns track meet or helping decorating tonight and helping do whatever tomorrow night for after prom. The mom guilt for this one is very deep bc it's a big undertaking and needs all hands on deck

Side job - 3 people backed up on selling - not that they mind waiting but I'd like to get those off my list of things to do

Both desks - at school and home are overloaded and I want to clean them but every time I look at them im.so overwhelmed I just can't even start

2 IEP mtgs that need scheduled between now and end of school - sounds easy but is actually a zoo getting all hands on deck

There's more but these are are ones that are at the top of the loop in my head

Losing you taught me sometimes just releasing it, the stuff, the worry, in some way can bring relief

So there is it, or the bulk of it at least

Some of our life's stressors are not my story to tell

I know for sure that since losing you Fish, any death of anyone we know is a small set back

And death of those we love most can be large set backs

But we never give up

We'll come out ok

It will hurt a lot, but we will come out ok

I love you little man

You are one of my reasons to smile everyday

Love Mom

[natsspammityspamspamham]

Why You Should Watch Romantic Killer

This is the new anime series that premiered on Netflix a few days ago! Before you inevitably cancel your subscriptions, give this show a go! Trust me, it'll all be worth it! (I'm personally riding on my sibling's Netflix, so I got to watch it officially!)

Edit: I think it’s important to mention since it’s in the very nature of the show that nobody is actually forced to fall in love with Anzu or vice-versa. It’s all purely consensual in terms of that even though the wacky circumstances are not.

I even made gifs for this post just to convince you, reader of this post!

Story

A high schooler named Anzu Hoshino is living the life. She has games, chocolate, and a cat named Momohiki. One day, her life is turned upside down by the devil-- I mean wizard, Riri. Riri confiscates her three most prized possessions with the ultimate ultimatum: Fall in love or live life without your most cherished commodities. Living in this awful world, Anzu swears to not fall in love out of pure spite for this arrangement and for Riri, but unfortunately, Riri has plans in store that might make things harder than they seem. (source: me)

For such a nonsensical story, it fricking works. I like it. As someone who's aroace, I feel this. I really do. I don't object romance, but I sure am not looking for it, and I would be pissed and spiteful too if my belongings were taken.

Characters

Anzu is so much fun. She has got to be my favourite reverse harem protagonist of all time. Her reactions to everything are absolutely priceless, and I love how they incorporate random references. I never thought I'd see Kazuo Umezu face incorporated into a fricking romcom! Characters like her and Bakarina make the genre worth watching (even if Bakarina is too... baka at times). I want everyone to experience this anime without me giving too much away.

The side characters are good in their own right. Sure, Riri is annoying, but that's kind of the point. They canonically don't have a gender so the "they/them" pronouns were used in the subtitles I'm pretty sure. Tsukasa is pretty cold, and I felt indifferent about him until I found out his reasoning for being like that in the last few episodes, and let me just say, whatever you're expecting, it's probably not going to be that. I've never seen a show handle that type of situation for men quite like this RANDOM ROMCOM did. It puts its male characters into situations where they don't need to be strong, and they aren't criticized for it. That right there is positive masculinity. I like it. It diverts the idea of traditional macho masculinity, especially those of archetypes in dating sims. The characters and their dynamics actually seem pretty natural for such an unnatural situation and setting.

Music

Yooo, that soundtrack fricking fits. I like it. Sure, it doesn't stand out, but with the absurdity of this series, I'd be lying if I didn't laugh when a certain string track came on. I don't even think that was the point (I think it's supposed to be when the audience swoons).

That ending theme fricking slaps harder than it needs to. I watched the opening once. Look, that opening skip button is so tempting. I only watched the ending once, but it was the background music for the voice actor interviews, so I got to know it better.

Voice acting

YOOOO, THIS IS THE PART I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT. Sure, they hired your local "ikemen" to play the "ikemen" characters, but can we talk about Rieri for a second? She makes this show good. Her and Mikako Komatsu apparently auditioned in a pair, and you can see, hear, and feel that chemistry. It is absolutely fantastic. Not many anime have had me laughing out loud, but I kid you not, I laughed a few times watching this. And yes, Umehara and Gakuto did sound good. I will give them credit where it's due. They did fulfill the ikemen part really well. Almost too well.

Art

You know what? Even though the art was pretty mediocre, I'm going to give it a pass. It's hard to make a coloured manga. And it's hard to make an anime look good. Plus, they probably spent all of the budget on Anzu's face to the point where the guys look mediocre at best and can only be given "ikemen status" based on their voices alone.

Conclusion

I get why this anime might be a bit mixed in the aroace community, but I think we should enjoy media as it's handed to us. And what was handed to us is a genuinely good show that requires zero brain cells until the last half! Zero brain cells? That's me too!

Unlike most of the shows that I watch, I will rewatch this. Without a doubt. I'm rewatching it as we speak. Even for specific moments that made me laugh.

[gillianthecat]

Between Us - episode one an intrepid reporter watches, without having seen UWMA

Going in, I know next to nothing about this show. I have the tag filtered, and I haven't read the summary or seen the trailer. I did see part of the first episode of Until We Meet Again, but as far as I remember these characters weren't in it. The only information that has made it through the cone of silence is that either the characters or the actors are named Win and Team, one of them is blond, and they did a bunch of product placement in UWMA, possibly with Lay's chips. And I'm not very positive about any of that being true.

summary after watching: For me, this show is holding up on its own. It turns out I did remember more about the beginning of UWMA than I thought, but I feel like Between Us would work even if I didn't know UWMA's basic premise. Yes, Pharm's flashbacks would be confusing, but they're also confusing for him so I don't think that would make the episode too confusing overall. There are a lot of things I still don't know, but it feels like normal episode one information still to uncover, not plot holes because the show is assuming I already know the story. And, up to a point, I would rather have less information than too much, so I appreciate the mystery. I was surprised by how prominent Dean & Pharm's story has been so far. I expected it to be more background. I wonder if its going to stay this prominent, or if it's more to set the stage. Overall the show feels very professional and... not expensive, but adequately funded. The production values all feel pretty high - lighting, sets, editing, soundtrack, cinematography - and the acting is very good. It all makes me trust these storytellers know what they're doing. So yes, I am hooked. I can see why y'all have been so excited about this show. I will definitely keep watching.

Below are my notes as I watched. I took a lot so they're beneath the cut.

So. Diving in.*

*pun unintentional at the time, but appreciated now post-viewing

- I like this parallel morning opening. Blondie with the tattoos is hot, pushing back his hair to the rock soundtrack. Actually they're both cute. I like the alarm clock cliche, although Mamoru from Kabe Koji wins with his 20 plus clocks, and Wah from Why You... Y Me? still beats this guy with his paltry single alarm clock.

- The cool kid and the chaos boy? That's my first impression.

- Hmm. Swimming pools may be important? based on the opening credits.

- Aw. A crash-into-you with an adorable het couple. Including whats-her-name (Sammy?) from those other shows I can't recall. Were they in UWMA too? (Don't answer that.) Interesting that they get to meet each other first, before our main couple.

- ooh... A one sided pining situation? or love crush at first sight? I can't tell yet.

- And here comes That Fucking House 2.0. I guess I knew four things about this show- I'd heard she was in it too. (Do you think there is stock footage of the exterior that all these shows are using, or do they each shoot their own?)

- Wait, is that Santa?! He looks so different, I mostly recognized him by voice. I'm still not sure, I haven't gotten a good view of his face yet.

- Ah. Team at least is a swimmer. That makes sense with the pool footage. And now I've figured out their names.

- I like Team's dorky new friend group! I don't always like the comic relief characters but so far A, Bee and Sea seem fun. (Also love the names joke.)

- I feel like I just saw this pool in something but I can't remember what show.

- I think I like Win's friend group dynamic as well. Whew, that's a relief. I also like Win's slight mysterious brooding air. And the way he looks at Team, with the heavenly music on the soundtrack. (so I guess it is crush at first sight? rather than long term pining?)

- so far I've gathered Team is a first year and Win seems to be a sophomore or a junior, but my instinct is junior. (I don't know if the U.S. terms apply in Thailand.)

- Team seems like a sweetheart so far. Is Win making this announcement about scholarship students not being guaranteed a spot in a "I like you. Get out of my school" kind of way, or is it just a coincidence? Either way, its stressful. Athletic scholarships are a fucked up system in general.

- Oh Pharm! He's the main guy from UWMA! I recognize him. I (obviously) have no idea where we are in his story.

- My guess is that Pharm and Manow were his friends in UWMA, but A, Bee and Sea are new for this series.

- Win looks so cool, even his sauntering walk. I totally would have had a crush on him in college.

- Oh! I was about to get excited about their first real interaction but they were just teasing us.

- Is Win basically raising his brothers? He acts like it.

- It is Santa. He seems so different here somehow.

- Tul looks vaguely familiar, but I'm not sure from what.

- Hmm, what is going on with Team? Why is he being mopey?

- I continue to really like the way Win looks at Team, and how they show Team as totally oblivious.

- oh. That's why this whole thing with Manow is familiar? I think I did watch this part of UWMA where they watch the swim tryouts. So I guess Pharm's love interest is one of the other guys on the swim team? I honestly can't remember what he looks like, or how they met. Ah, I guess this must be him staring love struck. It's slowly coming back to me. (Are these scenes reshot? or are they using footage from UWMA?) Ah Dean, that's right. I did know his name at some point. So far I'm finding him more intriguing here than I did in the little bit of UWMA that I watched.

- oh yes, I remember that Pharm was in the cooking club too. It's slowly coming back. Maybe I did watch a little more then I thought.

- These hints of Dean and Pharm's story are working for me. Perhaps they're just there as a treat for UWMA fans, but I'm enjoying them as well. But I do know the basic premise of UWMA, I suspect I would be more confused if I didn't know the whole second life thing.

- Also, I was not expecting this much of their story. It really feels like a side couple, rather than a couple whose story is over and done with. Which perhaps makes me expect that the makers intend this story to stand on its own - that Between US and UWMA are supposed to be parallel pieces, rather than a main show and its companion.

- There is a lot more attention to Pharm & Dean's story than I was expecting though. Which isn't a problem, I was just expecting them to be more background characters. And this is making me want to watch UWMA more than seeing the beginning of that show did.

- Aw, what a good friend Team is. And Win thinks so too. Yet again, I like the way Win looks at him.

- So far I have No Idea what Win & Team's story is going to be - what their conflict or obstacles will be. But I don't mind, I'm still intrigued.

- Is Tul played by the same actor who played the horny roommate in Love By Chance? If so, he's certainly been typecast, poor guy. I did like him in LBC though.

- They finally interact! I love how Win is always tracking Team with his eyes, while Team remains basically oblivious to existence. Ignoring him, not in a mean way, just in a only aware of him as a generic swim team leader way.

- Ouch. The make up artists here are good.

- Win. What is your deal? You obviously have a crush, why are you so mean to Team to his face? I am Intrigued.

- Dean comes across as such a weirdo, omg.

- Interesting that it feels like In learning more about the setup of Dean and Pharm's relationship than about Team & Win's. I admit that I'm getting a bit impatient with it. Part of the reason I dropped UWMA is that I didn't find Dean's actor that compelling and I still don't (so far, that could change).

- Ah, some insight into Team: "You never let anything be important to you!" I do like his and Dean's friendship.

- Um, WHAT is Team's friend (I can't remember if he's A, Bee or Sea) wearing as a pendent? It looks like a piece of fried chicken.

- oof this porn watching scene is so awkward. Poor Team. It does all feel realistically adolescent though.

- Ok, wow, I was not expecting THAT. I like it though.

- on shit, and Team's following him!

- oh I really like this sex scene. See BL, consent is sexy. The way that Win, keeping tight rein on his very obvious desire and arousal, makes sure that Team wants this, that he knows what he's doing. It is Very Hot. And their chemistry is fire. I also like how cool kid Win has his post-shower fluffy unstyled hair, making him feel much more vulnerable.

- I don't know if it's intentional, but I like the contrast between Pharm and Dean's literally destined love, and this thing between Team and Win, which feels like it could be any college hook up. Yes, Win has had his eye on Team for a while, but as far as I can tell, Team took little notice of Win until his porn induced horniness drove him into Win's arms. And Team I really don't think was planning this, he just got aroused by win's arousal and gave in to temptation. I just like the arbitrary feeling of it against the backdrop of the heaviness of fate.

- I still don't know what their story is going to be. And honestly, if I wasn't being an intrepid reporter I probably wouldn't even try to figure it out, I'm just intrigued by them and their dynamic and content to see where it goes. But since I am doing these reports, my first guess is that they're going to continue to hook up in secret, outside the bedroom Win is going to pretend Team doesn't matter to him, and Team will slowly fall in love and get hurt by this. I'm not very attached to this theory, but it's the best I've got so far.

- Thinking about it, so far I actually know very little about Win and Team as characters. But the actors have made them both compelling enough that I'm intrigued, and want to know them. I feel like my initial impression of Win as "cool kid" is probably correct, but I'm not so sure about Team as "chaos boy." He seems a little more organized than that, a bit innocent but not too naive, kind but not saccharine. He seems a bit of an average everyman in fact, but not in a boring way.

Ok! That's it for now. I probably should go to bed, but I want to watch episode two instead. The nice thing about starting a few weeks behind is I don't have to wait.

[balillee]

i wanna talk about will byers being gay for a hot minute

the way they portray will being gay feels very 80's, and i definitely do appreciate that his sexuality is portrayed differently than robin's. robin confessed to steve that she liked girls while they were both high off their asses after steve confessed to her that he liked her. both of them weren't thinking straight, and it was a culmination of their arc that season, and that charisma that they shared, and the way robin's sexuality was dealt with (considering she's a side character who isn't exactly going to get her own fully fleshed out romance subplot anyway) is decent to me. steve keeping that secret is important, but what's also important is the disappointment robin felt when she saw vickie with her boyfriend. it felt expected, even if it did come back later that vickie's boyfriend had broken up with her (and she's kinda bi coded, so)

i probably don't know what i'm talking about. i'm a bit of a baby gay - born in 2003, i've been out since i was nine, i'm not exactly mx. nostalgia.

will byers, before anything else, is a good friend. that to me seems to be his most prominent part of his character. he's a good friend, he loves his homies and he wants to hang out with his homies, and he puts that above most things. he just wants to hang out with the homies.

but he very obviously has a crush on mike, and perhaps if this was the modern day, will would at least have had the courage to come out to mike as queer, let alone confess that he likes mike (in the middle of discussing a problem with his girlfriend, which would have been a ballsy move, but i digress). but this isn't the modern day, this is the 80's, and unlucky for him he's completely sober and hasn't spent his day getting tortured for information by a bunch of russians. will knows he's different in that way, and there's no way he can just ask mike if he's okay with gay people. that's risky. he's in small town america in the 80's and knows that he's gay - he already knows what it feels like to be the social pariah, once when he was bullied in middle school, and then later on when he became 'zombie boy'. i doubt he wants to relive that.

so that talk with him and mike in the van to me doesn't seem queerbaity. it seems realistic. not all queer people get their happy endings with the people they have a crush on. that's okay, they'll move on.

i think people do have to be careful talking about queer representation in period pieces because we're always looking at things through a modern lens, especially my generation. we need to remember that these kids from 40 years ago now did not have the privilege to come out at all, and so writing representation can be tricky unless it's a show that focuses on queer people and queer culture from that time (for example, POSE).

i also appreciated how jonathan knew and understood. he didn't explicitly say it and to be honest he didn't need to - he understood will and used that moment of vulnerability to connect with him in a way that we haven't really seen since the first couple of seasons. i genuinely actually missed the byers brothers and i had no idea.

i do think that, going forward, they need to be less vague about it. considering that there will be a season five, it would be very fucking difficult (writing wise and in terms of criticism) about going three seasons of queer-coding will byers without him ever explicitly saying he's gay, or without that part of him never being brought up. i think in general will is a very underutilised character and he's incredibly interesting to look at analytically, and now that he's back in hawkins i want to see more of him, and i specifically want to see him with the other members of the party to further explore that dynamic. and also the fact that he's psychically connected to vecna. that seems like an ever-important detail.

the way they've built up their queer characters in subtle ways, robin by having her blossoming and unexpected friendship with steve get misinterpreted, will being selfless enough to understand that mike is in a relationship of his own with a girl and helping him through their issues despite his own internal struggle with his sexuality and his feelings, seems unique to the modern era. but i think we often forget that this show takes place in small town america in the 80's. there's very likely no accessible queer scene in hawkins. there's no widespread acceptance in the way that we have today, so when you're creating stories in this time you do have to be mindful of the time's politics.

now, the same cannot be said for how they treat the sinclair's - especially the fact that the whole 'billy is a racist' thing got dropped and kind of forgotten about in season 3 (probably because they got scared to touch it) even though it was done pretty decently in season 2, but i think i've come to a point where i understand now that no representation for anyone is ever going to be perfect. will and robin's representation isn't perfect, the sinclair's representation isn't perfect, dustin's representation as a disabled person isn't perfect, even the representation of people like eddie who have unconventional interests and fit into sidelined subcultures - it isn't perfect either. i think the show could do better, but it's not the worst in the world.