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simpjaes · 5 days ago

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✘ WIP DIARY ── LAST NIGHT, I READ YOUR DIARY. (p.sh) ✘

Sunghoon has been trying be everything you need since your mother passed. A father, a friend, a therapist. You never really understood what your mother saw in him in the first place, if you’re being honest. He’s awkward, quiet, and typically used to keep to himself up until now. You’re impressed with his efforts by the time you’re entering into your senior year of college, though his entire demeanor towards you seems to have changed. or the one where your step-father grows obsessed with you minute by minute.

── step-dad /weirdo park sunghoon x afab reader

── minors dni

── tags: sunghoon is in his 30s, reader is in her 20s so, age gap, step-cest, heartbreak, obsession, manipulation, coercion, stockholm syndrome-ish, fluff if he manipulates you as a reader lmfao, angst, smut. don't read this if you are easily triggered. ── side characters: heeseung as reader's ex boyfriend, jay as reader's closest friend

── !WARNINGS!: this work contains non-con, dub-con, and stalking behavior. your mom isn’t alive in this fic. warnings will be updated as i write.

── a/n: this one is gonna be a wild ride, that's all i gotta say.

LAST UPDATED: 12.22.24

⨯ est wordcount: 20k+ ⨯ current wordcount: 5.4k ⨯ est release date: tbd ⨯ taglist: my tag list is now closed due to the length.

playlist ⨯ recommended song: last night i read your diary - gürl She's got me down on my knees I beg, I beg, I, I beg, I beg, please! I want it more than I need And I need it like I need to breathe Like I'm losing my- Choke.

PREVIEW (3.1k):

no warnings apply to the preview, it's just the first couple of thousand words for this fic. aka, the intro and the set up for what will inevitably happen later:

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Your first heartbreak is meant to be painful, but this? This is more painful than you could have ever imagined.

Heeseung was one of your only constants in life. From childhood to high school it’s like he was there more than your own mother was, and certainly more than your own father. Even when she passed, Heeseung was the one who held you through it, he’s the one who made you smile again, he’s the one who made you feel like it was okay to heal and keep going.

It’s the fact that it was a mutual break up that hurts the most because deep down, you couldn’t see yourself without him. Yet, still, you willingly watched him hop on the plane with a short kiss and long goodbye. It felt so final to you. You could have handled a long distance relationship, truly. But Heeseung didn’t want that. He wanted to explore the world, he wanted to try new things, be with new people.

Do things without you clinging to him all the time.

In a way, you understand that. After all, you’re the only girl he had ever been with up until now. Senior year of college. You think you knew your relationship was coming to an end by the time he announced he was going to be studying abroad for his final year without ever once even telling you he was applying to do so.

So, yeah, it was mutual solely because you want him to be happy and he’s made it clear that he believes that can only happen without you. Such is life. Painful, painful fucking life.

Just last year when your mother passed, you nearly dropped out and Heeseung had been your rock to make it through class after class with a grade barely high enough to pass. You’re certain some of your professors took pity on you and raised your grade just enough to move forward. You’ll forever thank them for recognizing how hard you were trying. But now? Without your mother, without Heeseung, you’re at a loss.

And there’s a difference between loneliness and isolation, you think. Loneliness to you always hits hard during small spaces in your day, like when you’d get into Heeseung’s car and he would close your door for you. The silence always hurt your ears while he was still making his way around the car to the driver’s seat. A shallow loneliness that you could feel right at the top of your gut, like it was squeezing inside of you and making you lose your appetite. Solely because that silence reminded you of what you always had, a lack of loneliness because of him.

But then there’s isolation. Where it feels forced upon you by other people. Your mother fucking died, Heeseung fucking left, and now you’re just here expected to wake up like you always do, go to class, study hard, sleep well, when the reality of it is– you’re genuinely struggling just to look at yourself in the mirror.

Then there’s Sunghoon. The only person close enough to you now that you can reach out to. The issue with that is– you’ve never actually been close. And that’s what sucks. The fact that he of all people is all you have now? May as well just assume you have nobody.

His regular calls mean close to nothing to you in the grand scheme of things. Despite him calling twice a week every week since your mother died, your step-father is just as distanced from you as you are him. You’re aware that it’s his obligation, not because he cares. And that hurts, because it’s all you have now.

Now, you have to try and find meaning in those short calls. After all, Sunghoon fell apart when your mother passed all on his own and you had only called him out of obligation too. You were already in college and stressed, falling apart yourself with someone to love beside you helping you through it. Calling him when it all happened felt empty because you knew both of you were trying to hold it together and save face.

It wasn’t like this before she died. In fact, he never called and you never cared for him to. You’d see each other when you were home, share awkward pleasantries, and that’s it. It’s hard to believe that now you feel like you need a father, after all those years of practically rejecting him as one. He seemed fine with that after you hit your teen years. He knew by then that he could never be the father you want, but at least he could be the husband your mother needed.

You have grief in common now though. Loneliness. Isolation.

You try not to think about how you were okay up until now though. Having Heeseung to fall back on to soften the blow of your loss, you guess Sunghoon didn’t have that. Maybe his monotone voice and empty words were his way of coping, his way of hearing a voice that wasn’t the one in his own head when he calls you.

It’s just you and a man you never considered family past the titles and obligatory respects. Finding meaning in his short phone calls does nothing to help your growing isolation, but you cling to them now that Heeseung is gone. You wait for the calls, you ask him to check in with you every day now, to the point Sunghoon starts to notice the difference in you.

No longer rushing to get off the phone. Now, you’re dragging on meaningless conversations. Now, he hears cracks in your voice.

“You feeling okay?” Sunghoon asks you, in a way that makes you wonder how he’s able to tell that you’re definitely not. The way his own voice has a bit of life to it when he asks it…strange too. Like he’s concerned.

“No–” You trail off in your meek voice, staring at your ceiling and mind swirling with all of the work you need to get done for classes already. “I’ve only been in classes for a week and I already feel like I’m drowning.”

Sunghoon sighs into the speaker, contemplating how to further the conversation with you in a way that isn’t too intrusive. After all, who is he to pry? Still, he never intended for you to feel neglected or like you couldn’t come to him. After all, you were too happy about his lack of parenting you throughout his presence in your life.

He finds solace in the fact that you’ve been accepting him now, though he hasn’t the slightest idea as to why. He’s checked in with you since the passing, but lately it feels to him like something more is going on with you. He may be somewhat estranged, and he may have his own problems to deal with, but you’re still someone he needs to be here for.

Plus, it makes him feel needed again, which is nice considering the circumstances. After living in this bustling house with you and your mom for so long, to it just being him and your mom, to now just him…all that remains now is dread, dissociation, and unwashed dishes in the sink.

“Did something happen?” Sunghoon keeps his questions short, offering more silence if anything for you to use this call as a therapy session if you need.

You pause for a long moment, realizing that you want to talk about your issues so badly but don’t quite feel the need to share it with him of all people. You’ve already ranted day after day to Jay. To the point you’re sure he’s about one rant away from blocking your number.

Probably because you’re not that close to him either. Not these days, anyway.

You sigh instead.

“No…” You trail off. “I think I just miss being home. My dorm mate is never here, class work is already piling up, and I can’t even find the energy to look at the assignments.”

Sunghoon can tell you’re feeling much like he does and he can’t imagine the weight on your shoulders dealing with these feelings while also in college. But, you have Heeseung, do you not? You’ve been fine for the most part until now, and you haven’t even brought him up. Not once in the past few weeks has his name been uttered by you. Which is strange, after all, the two of you were practically attached at the hip growing up, to the point of choosing the same college, working the same jobs, and even keeping that middle-school puppy love in full swing throughout highschool and college.

If anything, after your mother passed, Sunghoon felt okay knowing you had Heeseung there with you to help you through it. It meant he could focus on himself and getting through the day-to-day. He could barely handle his own mournful thoughts, let alone the daughter’s feelings of the woman he loved so dearly. He was forever grateful for Heeseung during this time.

He has his suspicions now though, and his heart aches for the voice he hears from you these days.

“Why don’t you come home for a while?” He lends a pause to see if you’ll jump for the opportunity before selling the idea to you. “I have the bills here covered and your campus is only a forty minute drive. I’m sure that’s inconvenient but you won’t have bills to worry about on top of everything else.” He doesn’t want to sound too desperate, of course.

After all, the loneliness he’s feeling is also becoming unbearable. Even if the two of you never were able to see eye to eye, or to form a bond together, you’re all he has left of your mother. He, arguably, is nothing to you, but there’s no one else in this world he’d rather heal the loneliness with outside of you. Only because you knew your mother on a level deeper than he did, and to have someone to share those memories with, or even laugh with, would help him tremendously too.

“I think being at home may do you some good.”

You think it over in your head, wondering if being home will help you at all. In reality, you know it may make you feel more trapped than you do now. All those memories with your mother, with Heeseung, with all of your friends that have since moved to different colleges.

But…you wouldn’t be alone. You’d be with someone who knows how to give you space because he’s never even tried to shrink your existence to that of your bedroom and your bedroom alone. You wouldn’t have to worry about rent, food, or anything aside from studies, gas money, and trying to heal from your heartbreak.

Your dorm is small, you note as you look around the room and wonder how long it would take you to pack your things up. Two hours, give or take. The longest part would be taking all of the little decorations off the wall, if you’re being honest.

You find yourself nodding before answering, solidifying in your mind that– maybe you’re not the only one who needs company in your space. Not too close, but close enough to not be totally isolated.

“Okay.” You mutter into the phone, for some reason feeling the tears well up behind your eyes.

You’re just a bit overwhelmed, that’s all. Knowing you’re going home feels like a relief you didn’t know you needed.

“Yeah?” Sunghoon confirms. “Just let me know when and I’ll drive up there to help get your stuff back home.”

You agree, sighing into the phone with a shaking voice. Sunghoon takes note of it, always remembering and quite frankly missing how loud and obnoxious you used to be. Hearing you like this pains him. He wants to help. Now more than ever is his chance to be someone you need, and he hates knowing he feels happy about it.

Getting to be your father now? It feels awkward, but at least it’s a feeling other than loss.

“You know you can talk to me, right?” Sunghoon sighs at you through the speaker. “I know I’m not someone you like coming to but–well, I’d like for you to rely on me more, okay?”

You find a lot of comfort in those words, despite hearing him say them time and time again. This is the first time he’s ever shown that he means it through the offer of bringing you home, rather than just saying it and accepting whatever you say back to him at face value.

“I know…” You trail off. “I’m okay though, really.”

Sunghoon hates himself for never forcing you to accept him. Sure, there may have been some teenage defiance towards him, but eventually the two of you could have seen eye to eye. He could have been someone you needed. You could have relied on him too, rather than just Heeseung. That’s all he can really think right now.

“Are you sure there’s nothing else going on?” The man nearly pleads in his tone, desperate to have someone rely on him again. “I’ve never heard you sound so exhausted before, I can’t help but worry.”

You’d tell him, but honestly, what grown ass man wants to hear about a first heartbreak? It would just get awkward again, he’d just feel obligated to do something about it, and worse, he might end up feeling like he’s supposed to dislike Heeseung now.

You choose to remain silent in the final straw that broke your back this semester.

“Really, I’m just tired.” You nod to yourself as you hold your phone loosely against your ear. “I might not go to class tomorrow and just pack instead. I’ll just call you when I’m ready, is that okay?”

Sunghoon smiles to himself, wanting to mean something to you in a way that can hopefully help you out of this slump. Your mother would be throwing a fit if she heard how you’ve been sounding, he can’t help but take over that role and try to make damn sure you are okay.

“That’s fine,” Sunghoon confirms. “I’ll call and let them know what’s going on so don’t worry about any of that. Just get yourself ready to come back home.”

You find yourself smiling, relieved that you don’t have to be the one to contact your school and tell them that…well, you’re breaking your student-lease, dropping your food plan, and need to be reimbursed for partial tuition costs since Sunghoon insists every semester that you purchase tuition insurance. You should no longer be charged to live on campus, or for the facilities within the dorm.

Knowing you’ll at least get back a couple thousand dollars is a nice change of pace, and already you’re feeling weirdly excited to go back to a space that will likely make you miss your mother more. It’ll hurt, but at least you won’t be alone anymore.

The forty minute drive to campus feels less horrifying now, and maybe your friends will still come and hang out with you in your actual home rather than a tiny dorm.

“Sounds good.” You say, as if to end the call before you mutter out again. “Thank you, by the way. Sunghoon, really.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sunghoon knew he was spiraling further and further into his loneliness. He knew it wasn’t healthy either, but now. Oh, now he realizes just how bad it’s gotten as he demonizes himself upon picking you up.

You haven’t come home since your mother’s funeral, and even on that day he barely remembers what you looked like. Eye contact was never a thing for him, but looking at you now, he sees how much you’ve matured since you went off to college.

Your once bright, excited eyes have turned dull and empty. The bags under them are heavy from lack of sleep. Your lips appear to be in a permanent state of pouting, though he isn’t sure if you’ve noticed. You appear to have lost weight, which is concerning for him of course, but…there’s something else about you.

Something that sits in the pit of his stomach and rots.

“Uh–” You cough, noting the way Sunghoon looks at you as you try to hand him a large box. “Thank you for helping me move my stuff back…”

Sunghoon snaps out of his thoughts, grabbing a heavy box and then waiting for you to stack another on top.

“No big deal,” He mutters, feeling the weight in his hands double as he prepares to carefully carry your things out to his car. “You haven’t come home in over a year, but I’ve fixed up your room for you and went ahead and connected my gaming system in there.”

You nod quietly, feeling awkward for how fatherly he seems.

“Thanks…” You trail off, flopping a pile of your things into his trunk before stopping to look at him. “You look like shit.”

Sunghoon furrows his brows, noticing for a split second how that facial expression you made is very similar to one his wife used to throw at him when he’d have hair out of place, or a wardrobe malfunction. And then he smiles.

“You’re not looking too good yourself.” He jokes back.

You smile back at him, feeling a bit of the awkward air fizzle away.

“Well, I’m not doing well, so.”

You were continuing the joke, but his face falls before yours does.

“You can talk to me–” He starts.

“I know, I know.” You wave him off. “I’ll feel a lot better once we get back and I can settle in.

There’s a nod from him now, and then silence as the two of you continue to put the rest of your belongings into both his car and your own.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in a bit?” You say now, awkwardly.

Sunghoon nods, looking you over once again.

“See you in a bit.”

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Shame.

Pure fucking shame.

Sunghoon knew he needed another presence in this house but upon seeing you again, he knew it may have been a mistake.

He likes to think of himself as level headed. He’s never gotten into any trouble, never had a stray thought, never cheated, lied, or stole anything. He can’t think of a single thing that he’s done in life to be considered taboo. But looking at you feels…incorrect?

Indecent?

You’re his step-daughter for fuck sake but it’s the fact that you don’t feel like you are. When he looks at you, he just sees another person. He did this to help you, he did this to feel needed, to be your fucking father.

He did not do this to look at you this way or to feel his eye stray even without his intention.

Why do you look so much like her? Why do you do that thing with your pinky when you carry things like she did? You even have a similar smell, probably having picked up on your mother’s habits throughout childhood.

You being here…It’s like she’s still here. Except it’s you, and he can’t be thinking this way.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

This fic will be dark, very taboo, morally bad. Not a grey area, it is blatantly bad. sunghoon will do bad things. Please be aware of your own triggers once it's completed and posted. remember that I write within my own triggers, not yours. That being said! Please do show lots of love if this is a fic you're interested in reading! If you want to be tagged, I have a permanent tag list, there are not any separate tag lists for individual fics so keep that in mind. ・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

#enhypen smut #park sunghoon smut #sunghoon smut #wips

902 notes · View notes

suguae · 1 year ago

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What you need.

⇢ ˗ˏˋ notes ࿐ྂ Emo!Choso x stoner!reader, smoking, drinking, Oral, Female receiving, Strangers to lovers?, creampie, p in v. characters are ooc! Not proofread. I'm taking request so please send I'm running out of ideas smh...

.ೃ࿐

"You’re going–whether you like it or not.” Nobara applied some lip gloss, checking her outfit one more time. The last place you ever saw yourself was at this frat party. Nobara on the other hand begged you to go. Ever since you met Nobara, she pursued you to open up more. Going out to clubs, parties, and even just shopping, which you still hate doing. You were just really lazy, never wanting to leave the dorms. As Nobara would say, a rotting potato.

“Give me 5–” “No this is gonna take more than 5.” She grabbed your wrist and threw you into the bathroom. Nobara does your hair cutely while you gulp down a very much needed energy drink. She grabs a pair of jeans that still had the tag on and gives you a judging look.“Seriously y/n?” She chuckles while you look confused. She chucked the pants at your face, now looking for a perfect top.

“You look—mwah perfect!” She claps her hands together proud of the outcome. Different from your usual hoodies and plaid pj pants look topped off with a messy bun. You grab your purse and spray a bit of perfume before exiting the door with Nobara.

You take a hit from the small pink disposable. You only hated parties because you weren’t good with crowds, so taking a puff of the weed pen definitely always helped with the stress. Nobara was always against it but at this point she gave up, only leaving the windows open in her car to fume the smell out. “It’s not gonna be that bad, I promise.” She gives you a reassuring smile.

“I promise, my ass.” You mumble walking through the crowd already parted ways from Nobara. You weren’t mad that she left, because who were you to stop her from having fun. Your body was already fuzzy from the indica strain you hit less than 10 minutes ago. “Y/n what the hell?” you turn to see Todo with Yuji by his side. You softly smile as Todo leads you to the back where it had been quieter and less abrupt.

“We honestly never thought you’d come to one of these.” Yuji says passing you a drink filled with god knows what. “No offense but couldn’t even tell that was you, you look amazing.” Todo wraps his arm around your shoulder. “ouch—” you clench onto your chest as if you were hurt by his words.

“Wanna join us? We’re about to play cup pong inside.” Yuji asked. Going back in there would be hell, but out here was filled with people making out and a little smoke circle. “I’ll be there in a few, I’ll stay out here for now.” They shrugged it off and walked back inside to the real party. You sat with the little circle of people who had been passing around a blunt.

“You know my little brother?” you turn to look at who’d been talking to you while you waited for your turn. His eyes were sunken and dark, but red due to the weed. His voice was deep and his head leaned on some random freakishly hot girl. “Um–who?” you questioned who he’d been talking about. He cleared his throat before picking his head up to get a better look at you.

“Yuji.” He passes you the joint. Yuji? Had an older brother? An older brother that was 100x hotter than him. Not even looking remotely similar. “Oh..yeah.” you take a deep puff before passing it onto some other person. “Y/n, seriously?” you turn around to see Nobara rushing to pull you away from the group. “What?” You look back at the circle as Nobara pulls you inside.

“Not Yuji’s brother, he and his friends are weird.” She closes the back door while leading you into the kitchen to grab another drink. “Listen, I'm just trying to have fun like you told me.” You were a bit surprised at why she pulled you away, wouldn't she want this?

“They're weird, like a cult kind of…” she giggled, fixing her makeup on her little hand mirror while you took a sip from the red cup. Nobara was very judgmental though, judging people before she even knew them.

Now you stood in the kitchen alone. “Where’s that little friend of yours?” Yuji’s brother spoke, catching you off guard. He was inches away from you hovering over you. You noticed how he had some piercings, an eyebrow piercing, a lip piercing and some ear piercings. His finger nails were painted black and to top it off he smelled amazing. The strong cologne taking over your nose, mixed with the smell of the weed. “Somewhere.” You yelled due to the loud music.

“She doesn’t like me.” He laughed bringing the red cup up to his face for a sip. “I assumed.” you dryly respond looking everywhere but his eyes. “Wanna get out of here?” stranger danger? You didn’t even know his name yet, and he’s asking you if you wanted to leave with him. “Kamo Choso.” He held out his hand finally introducing himself, seeing the uncertain look on your face.

You softly shake it, “Y/n..L/n” What could be the worst to happen? After all, you weren’t even enjoying yourself here.

“Fuck~” a whispered moan coming out of your mouth, tugging onto Choso’s hair. Hearing the lewd noises coming from his mouth as he slurps the juices from your aching pussy. His tongue explores places you never knew of. One hand grasping your waist as the other wraps around your thigh. You couldn’t help but close your thighs tightly around Choso’s head, the pleasure overstimulating you. “I’m gonna cum–” Your hands pressing Choso’s head deeper than he already was feeling your high getting closer and closer with each movement in Choso’s tongue. The milky substance droops down Choso’s chin as he pulls away. Deeply breathing making his way on top of you.

One minute you two are laughing about some random shit and the next he’s eating you out in his brother's bedroom in the noisy frat house. The music was muffled. His lips intertwined with yours, tasting the cum from your pussy on his tongue. His hands roaming your body, you slide off his shirt having the perfect view of his light 6 pack.

He breaks the kiss to slide his black sweatpants, his long cock springing out hitting his stomach. “I don’t have a condom…” he huffs looking at you. You point at your arm as your breath is unsteady. He rubs the tip of his cock onto your clit, teasing you. The pathetic moans escaping your mouth as you grab his face, leaving sloppy pecks on his lips. “Where the hell were you all my life.” He watches your lips form into the ‘O’ shape while he slides his cock against your folds. This was pure perfection to him. You were a drug to him. Once his eyes landed on you, there was no turning back. “Want me to fuck you?” He whispers leaving a little nibble on your ear. He was getting ready to slip himself into your wet cunt before you stopped him. “What’s the matter—we can stop if you want…” He worriedly looked at you. He was respectful too? “No–I wan’t ride you.”

“Fuck y/n…” He whimpers as you jump up and down on his dick. His hands tightly gripping your hips while his eyes travel to your boobs bouncing up and down.Your head leaned back as you moaned. Feeling you hit the spot every time you pounced. “Let me see that beautiful face, yeah?” His hand leaves your waist as his thumb rubs the bottom of your lip. Slipping his thumb into your moist lips. Sucking his finger as you bounce on him persistently.

You feel his cock splurt out his jizz inside your pussy, still hopping on his like a bunny as you feel your high reach. Finally you throw yourself next to him while the white mixed liquids run down your cunt. Both of you breathe in sync trying to process everything that just happened. You grab your clothes and change the bathroom of Yuji’s room while Choso cleaned up the mess.

“Want to head back to my place?” Choso recommended in hope of you saying yes. You followed closely behind him as you two were making your way out of Yuji’s room. You smiled and grabbed his hand, “Why not?”

The door opened revealing Yuji getting ready to open it with some girl behind him, His eyes wide watching you and his brother leave his room. Hair messy, runny makeup and the atmosphere was just so clear. You two didn’t bother to explain, leaving Yuji dumbfounded.

#jjk #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jjk smut #smut #choso kamo #choso x reader #choso jjk #jjk x y/n #jjk choso #choso #kamo choso #kamo choso smut #choso smut #choso x you #rosipuree #choso x y/n #choso x female reader

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peachsayshi · 1 year ago

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Heyaa peachieee

Are you gonna be continuing the brother's bff geto series ? I like it a lot can't wait to see what happens next 😩❤️

“whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same”

⊱ ─── [ ❦ ] ─── ⊰

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄ older brother’s best friend geto x female reader ⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ minors / ageless / blank blogs (dni) ↬･tags: (part 1/part 2)tension; alcohol; reader is gojo's sister; reader has a big fat crush on geto; size difference; working on the next part just figuring out which direction to go ~

⥽ notes: nonnie! I'm glad you asked because I've had this simmer in my head since I wrote the last part. For those who asked, I will update my ex husband geto series next, and then inexperienced reader x geto <3

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

You sway your hips to the beat of the song, the sparkling beads adorning your chest shimmer underneath dim lights. Champagne bubbles pop in your veins, orchestrating the arch and writhe of your sensual movements in the middle of the crowded room. You aren’t paying any attention to the unwanted stares zoning in on your group, too blissed out on the high of achieving another successful milestone in your life.

Graduation arrived faster than you expected. With the ceremony now just a couple of weeks away, you find yourself gifted with all the free time in the world, leaving behind the stress of your assignments and finals but you’re so happy to make it to the end of this long, winding road.

Your friend tugs you close to her chest, her sparkling dress matching your top and your other friend's skirt, and gives you a gentle kiss on the cheek. She’s singing loudly, her inebriated mind making her jumble up the lyrics in a cute manner. You sing along with her, trying to guide her as you hold her cheeks in the palm of your hands and heartily belt out the tune. Two hands then find your waist, and your other friend spins you back towards her to keep on dancing. You circle your arms around her neck, and playfully whine against her as the scent of alcohol and perfume filters the air around you. You don’t even know if your make up is still snatched or if the setting spray you had applied earlier has waned against the sweat misting off your body.

For whatever you don’t even care.

You’ve spent the last four months burying yourself deep into your work, and tonight is about rewarding yourself and living in the moment.

You wanted nothing more than to do just that.

“I’m going to get some water, would you like some?” you hoarsely speak into your friend’s ear, your throat constricting from the tension around your vocal chords.

“Yes, please! We’ll wait for you right here!”

You sashay through the sea of strangers, avoiding the eyes taking in your risqué outfit. You knew that your silver backless top would garner a lot of attention, the fabric only held together by two thin straps around your neck and lower back. However, you liked the change to your usual style of clothing, and looked fantastic on the flattering pair of black pants that you had on while matching perfectly with your platform heels.

Your ears buzz from the sensory imbalance when you leave the underground dance floor and walk upstairs to the bar with the hard thumping bass muffling as you are now surrounded by softer, upbeat tones.

The entire room is packed.

You've only been down for a couple of hours, but you're taken aback at how quickly the bar hit capacity. You shouldn’t be surprised after all, considering that this establishment is the latest hot spot in the city…

… and, of course you would spot him out of the crowd of people.

Suguru is leaning against the bar looking more formal than usual. He is wearing a button down white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and showing off his intricate tattoos underneath. He has on sleek tailored pants, the color mirroring the length of his hair dripping down his back like ink pressing into paper, and the front of his bangs are tied back to reveal that perfectly handsome face which had heads turning at every angle.

Alarm bells ring in the back of your mind, but thankfully you’re relieved to figure out that your brother, Satoru, isn’t around.

Suguru is hanging out with his other friends...the ones you don’t know very well and only met for the first time on the night of his twenty-eighth birthday.

There is a guy with bluish gray hair, who has pretty features and an interesting scar on his face, but upon recognizing him you immediately remember Utahime’s cautionary words to be mindful.

Then there is a second guy whose face isn’t one to forget due to all his piercings and how his hair is styled into two little space buns, and despite his somewhat dissociative expression, he looked like he could pass as Suguru’s brother.

The memory of the party flashes through your mind in between your stunned blinks.

That night was the last time you saw Suguru in person.

After your emotional reaction to watching him kiss somebody else, you thought that avoiding your crush might be the best solution to heal your wounded heart. The only contact you’ve had with Suguru since then has been via text, but even then you were trying your best not to linger in conversation with him.

You still have no idea who that woman was, and shudder at the possibility of Suguru potentially being romantically involved with somebody else.

Suddenly, dark eyes fall on yours and the room around you grows quiet. The music fades into the distance as bodies blur together like colors on an artist’s palette. The only person remaining still is the man before you, standing tall and prominent, with the environment glowing around him like a halo and reminding you that you are simply just a foolish girl who forgot to pull out cupid’s arrow.

You rip your eyes away immediately, the adrenaline forcing you to turn your heel and walk over to the other side of the bar where everything floods back in, where the booming chatter and loud song collides into your ribs and leaves you breathless.

Your heart starts racing - the bar area appears much smaller than it initially seemed when you first walked upstairs but you finally make it to the counter and rest both your elbows on the edge as a way to steady your feet.

You catch the bartender’s attention, who is busy pirouetting between jotting down orders and mixing drinks, while trying your best to ignore his piercing gaze barreling through from the opposite side of the counter.

“Can I get three bottles of water, please?” you speak loudly, having to repeat yourself just one more time to make sure that the bartender heard you.

You only have a couple of minutes of peace before your spine goes rigid. A shocking cold crawls up each vertebrae, and a tickling drip of water cascades down your back which is swiftly brushed away by a gentle graze of knuckles.

You glance over your shoulder to find him right behind you.

“S-Suguru…”

The space between your shoulder blades is burning from the icy contact, and the man sweetly smiles in your direction as he pulls away his cold beer from your back.

This is only testing your patience.

“I thought that it was you,” he says as he places his drink down onto the counter. “I almost didn’t recognize you for a minute…”

You part your lips to reply, but your words catch in your throat. You anxiously shift from one foot to the next, desperately mustering up a quick reason to excuse yourself, but a stranger from behind bumps right into your shoulder at that exact moment which causes you to lose your balance.

Suguru’s hand finds your waist immediately to steady you, his palm rests on the fabric of your top while his fingers catch your exposed flesh. Your skin tingles from his touch, making your cheeks burst with a warmth that has you feeling unusually hot.

The worst part is you feel like he can see how your body is betraying you in this way as his sharply pries you open bit by bit.

His gaze falls to your chest, and he arches his brow slightly when he glances over your outfit, a hint of a smile curling his lip before returning to face you.

“Now what would Satoru say if he saw you in this, hmmm?” he teases, his digits innocently pinching into your soft flesh.

“You’re not going to say anything to him, right?” you stammer immediately as you force the words right out of you.

The last thing you needed was a rant from your overprotective brother.

Suguru shakes his head, “of course not, what Satoru doesn’t know won’t hurt him, I’ll let you have your fun...”

You aren't quite sure if it's the way you can practically taste him on the tip of your tongue, or the lingering alcohol that makes the room around you spin, but statement makes your own eyes fall to his lips with the memory of the way he kissed you now swirling in your mind.

“Are you here alone?” he asks seriously, and as if he can read your thoughts, he slowly drops his hand by his side before taking another step forward to seal the gap of space to prevent causing traffic to the people walking back and forth behind him.

“I’m here with my friends,” you explain, feeling like a caged little bird trapped between him and the bar, “they are downstairs…”

“Three waters!” the bartender interrupts as he slides over the bill.

Suguru is quick to push back the check in the bartender’s direction, “put whatever she wants on my tab,” he announces, and the statement only makes you feel even more self conscious.

“You got it,” the bartender replies with a thumbs up.

Suguru assists in handing you the bottles of water, and you stammer over your words once more when you speak.“T-Thanks, but you really don’t have to do that...”

“Don’t worry about it,” he replies with a wink, “it’s good seeing you. I’ll let you get back to your friends.”

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Your heart doesn’t stop spinning, and neither do you - so, you dull your senses with more drinks. You're not drunk enough to forget that the man you are infatuated with is hanging out just a floor above you, but you are nicely buzzed not to care about how the close proximity messes with your feelings.

Everything is a hazy blur until a few of the main lights start to flicker. The establishment is signaling their first warning that they will be closing soon and as the most sober(ish) person in your party, you take it upon yourself to lure your two friends back upstairs so you can all head home.

The three of you stumble out of the entrance. You’re holding onto your friend’s waist, while the other spins out in the middle of the sidewalk like the music never left her feet.

“Where to next?” she squeals a bit too loudly, and you sassily pull out your phone to show her the Uber application.

“Back home,” you reply, and she pouts like a child whose toy has just been snatched away.

“Boring,” your other friend mumbles, the weight of her body falling onto your shoulder and you almost collapse as you try to keep her upright.

You furrow your brows to check for the quickest pick up, but the earliest ride you can find is fifteen minutes away.

“Need a lift?”

Your heart thumps loudly in your chest, an echo reverberating around your ribcage and reaching all the way to the tip of your fingers. You swallow the tiny lump in your throat as you raise away from the blue light to put a face to that very familiar voice.

“Whose this?” your first friend mumbles, while the other stares at Suguru keenly with her mouth slightly agape.

“My brother’s best friend,” you mutter awkwardly before proceeding to decline his offer, “it’s alright, the Uber should be here soon.”

“And my car is parked just up the street,” he reassures calmly as he tilts his chin towards the direction of his vehicle before sliding both hands in his pocket. “You don’t have to worry, I just had the one beer earlier when I saw you but I haven’t been drinking…”

“Say yes, he’s really cute…” your friend with interested eyes that have not left Suguru’s, whispers quietly into your ear.

“I can’t help but agree with her,” Suguru smartly replies with a shrug, and that easy smile which makes his face glow as your friend giggles like a teenager.

You can’t help but shoot her a frustrated glare.

“I don’t want to intrude on your evening…”

Suguru huffs out a laugh, finding it cute that you are adamant on getting your way, before refuting that “it is not an intrusion at all, besides, Satoru would kill me if he knew that I just left you behind..."

Grinning thoughtfully in your direction, he made his final plea.

"Just cancel the ride. I’ll get you girls home in no time…”

You do as you're told because you’re too exhausted to protest otherwise.

The three of you follow Suguru to his car. He's a gentleman holding the backseat door open for your two friends, extending his hand out as he helps each of them climb inside. You can see how easily besotted they were by this act, but it only makes your chest tighten with envy.

You almost follow suit but hesitate when Suguru steps in the way.

“Want to sit up front?”

You can feel your worn, drained heart climb up from out of your throat and grip your face with its weak hands to beg you to decline. You should be trying to shield yourself from him, but how are you expected to resist with that kind of softness oozing from his soulful irises?

No wonder he gets so much attention, you think, convinced that he’s somehow cracked the code on how to hypnotize the most vulnerable of hearts with a single look.

You nip at the inside of your cheek anxiously but mindlessly nod yes in agreement.

Suguru shuts the door to the backseat.

You settle yourself in the front seat of his car breathing in the scent of sage with a hint of tobacco and shiver at the memory of how close you were when inhaled this scent last while his body was on top of yours.

The car itself is clean overall, but Suguru has always been meticulous about keeping everything in its place, unlike your brother who lived in a world of organized chaos. Sometimes you can’t help but compare the two of them, like you're trying to understand the details of how they complete one another while still being total opposites.

Your eyes fall to the decorative piece hanging from the front view mirror where you see a tiny polaroid framed within a wonky design.

There’s Suguru, who looks about your age, with the brightest grin on his face and whiskers painted on his cheeks. He is wearing black cat ears to match his two younger step-sisters, Mimiko and Nanako, who are also in the picture and are happily snuggled up in his arms.

“The girls made it for me,” he says, his voice low enough for just you to hear.

“Gosh, they look so young…”

“About four years old. This was a year after my mom got remarried…”

You flash him a smile, trying your best to ignore the way your body is currently simmering over such casual conversation. “It’s a really cute photo, Sugu”

He quirks his brow with amusement, a tender expression masking his face. "I'll show you the rest of them some other time…"

You subconsciously clench your thighs together, startled by the idea of you and your crush cozying up on a sofa while he shows you memories to the pieces of his life that you rarely ever get to see.

Despite your heart beating just a bit faster at the thought, your mind immediatelninterjects as a cautious reminder not to read into the situation.

Suguru fastens his seat belt, and quickly peaks over his shoulder to check on your two friends.

“Are you girls comfortable?”

“Yes, we are! Thanks again for the ride, uhm…erm…brother’s friend, uh…” one of you friends mumbles in an attempt to fish out his name.

“Suguru,” he politely replies then turns on the ignition.

“Thanks for the ride, Su-gu-ruu!” she repeats with exaggeration but for whatever reason it only feeds into your embarrassment.

“Hey, isn’t that…” your other friend intervenes innocently as she arches forward to rest her chin on your chair. “Isn’t that also the name of the guy you have a crush on?”

The weight of the world descends upon you the . Your body gradually shrinks in size, and you can feel yourself growing smaller and smaller as the seconds pass in silence.The slip of her tongue makes your eyes widen, and you ball your hands up into tight fists to form crescents in your palms as you anxiously clench your jaw.

Suguru’s face perks up instantly, and his movements slow down as one hand shifts to find the wheel while the other puts the car in reverse.

The air feels far too light, making it impossible for you to breathe. You know he heard that question, loud and clear, but you’re too mortified to even look at those magnetizing eyes. You can feel the heat of his stare unravel you, but you swiftly spin your head to face the busy streets and blurry lights just outside your window.

✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

#geto x reader #geto x female reader #suguru geto x reader #suguru geto x female reader #suguru geto fan fiction #geto fan fiction #jujutsu kaisen fan fiction #jjk fan ficition

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mybelovedwoo · 2 years ago

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i'm glad i have you with me

bff!san x f!reader

fluff, comfort, childhood best friends to lovers (slow burn) / wc:1.3k

warnings: cheating, crying, swear words, cuddling

note: so tell me how you liked this one. i am a bit nervous because this is my first non-wooyoung fic, but i really enjoyed writing it. please stay tuned in the future for other members' fics too. if you want to be tagged in any of my fics you can apply here <3

san masterlist - main masterlist

Sitting on a couch at a house party all alone with people you don't know, there's literally any other place you would rather be. Originally you came with you're boyfriend Seungjun, but you haven't seen him in hours. You weren't much of a party person, but this time you accompanied him, because he begged you for days for it, but now you are starting to regret it honestly.

You take out your phone from your back pocket, but before you open it, you look around once more to see if your boyfriend pops up somewhere, you are out of luck, so after you unlocked it, the first thing you open is your messages. Your fingers linger over Seungjun's name, but it says he's been unavailable for hours, no shit Sherlock, you think. Instead, you scroll down a bit and open the messages for your best friend, San.

You know well that he probably not gonna answer, because it's Saturday night, and he is most definitely out with his friends too. You don't care, you try it anyway, he is your best chance to rescue you out of this hell. "Hey, San." is the first you send, you're not sure what to write him, you don't want to bother him. "What are you doing?" you wait a few minutes, but he's not responding, his phone is probably on mute. "I'm kinda bored, I don't know where Seungjun went. I need your rescue ㅠㅠ." Nothing, no response. You feel really annoyed at this point, but not because San, poor boy did nothing wrong, it is just a bad moment. "You know what I'm gonna look for Seungjun. Don't worry and have fun." You lock your phone and put it back in your back pocket.

You look around the kitchen, then in the yard, but you don't see him anywhere. You are getting kinda worried that maybe he left you there. At last, you walk up the stairs, the hallway is full of kissing couples, who must have only met tonight. The moment you enter one of the rooms, you regret everything you did until now. Your boyfriend was there with another girl you had never seen before, doing things you never expected him to do with anyone except for you.

You didn't know what to do in the big shock, but you didn't speak up, maybe they didn't even notice you or just didn't care. But you turned around and hurried down the stairs, unable to control your tears. You just needed some fresh air, you had to get out of this place immediately. You crashed out of the entrance of the house and fell down to the stairs. Sitting there you didn't even think, you were already calling San. This is urgent now.

Your phone didn't even ring for two seconds when they already answered it. "Hey Y/N, is everything okay? I'm sorry my phone was on mute I haven't seen your texts. Have you found Seungjun? Wait, are you crying?" You couldn't even speak, though you wanted to tell him everything. "Y/N please say something! What happened? Are you hurt?" You took three big breaths to calm yourself down enough to talk a few words. "He cheated on me. Could you come to pick me up?" You didn't have to say more. "I've already sat in the car the minute I saw your messages, don't worry. I'll be there soon."

He wasn't lying, he got there in record time. You watched as he pulled up with his car to the driveway of the house. When he gets out of the car, is only when you get up from the stairs you've been sitting on. San rushed towards you at a high speed, so you didn't have time to move even an inch in his way.

"Where is that dickhead?" He asked with blunt words when he got to you. He seemed really angry, maybe even angrier than you, you had never in your life seen him like this before. You shrugged, implying that you don't know and don't care either. But that was not enough for him. "Is he still inside there?" You started to get a little worried.

"I think so. But please don't make a scene, let's just go home." You pulled him through his forearm when he already started walking to the entrance. "Wait for me in the car, okay? I'll be quick, I'm not gonna do anything he doesn't deserve, I swear." He said to you, while he stroked your face with his right hand. You hesitated, but who are you to tell him what to do, so you went up to his car and sat on the passenger side for like five minutes.

At this point you didn't care much about waiting a little longer, that's what you did all night long. San slammed the door behind himself, and somehow he looked even angrier than before. He got in the car next to you and when he looked at you his expression softened. "What did you do?" You asked him with a sobby voice. "I just showed him where he belonged. Let's just say he went swimming." You look down at his hands and you see it's all bruised up.

He started the engine. "San, I don't wanna go home. What if he comes there?" You didn't know what to do, since he had a key to your apartment. You couldn't bare to see his face once more.

"We're going to my place." He didn't even hesitate. You slept at his place many times now, but not since you started dating Seungjun. San was worried when you found out you are going to different colleges, he was afraid that you wouldn't spend as much time together as you used to. But you thought that was nonsense since you have been best friends since you were very little, you grew up together.

He never liked Seungjun, he always said he didn't deserve you. But he was your first boyfriend, and you were blinded with love, at least that's what you thought. Looking back, you also know that he didn't treat you well, but you don't know that when you're in it.

Entering San's apartment, all you could think about was that you needed to get some sleep asap. Weariness hit you the moment you got hit by the heat of the comfortable room. You didn't want to bother San with your presence, you don't know what plans he had.

You've been quite comfortable in here, so you decided to lie down on the couch in the living room. "What are you doing?" Asked San, entering the room with a glass of water in his hand.

"Sleeping. I'm really tired." You mumbled, not able to speak properly.

"You can't sleep here. Go to my room, there is my bed. I'll sleep on the couch." You sat up at his statement. "No, you can't. This is your place." There's no way you letting him sleep out here in the cold living room when he has his own warm bed just a room away. "Let's sleep both in the bed. I think it's big enough for the both of us." You said. It's not like this is the first time you sleep in the same bed, you always fell asleep next to each other when you were little.

"Are you sure?" He hesitated. "We are not so small anymore." The joke made you both laugh, it made his heart clench to see you happy again.

After you took a warm shower, he gave you a big shirt of his and a jogger pant that was definitely too big for you. You got under the cover, San was already there, lying down. He turned off the lamp on the bedside table, which illuminated the whole room until now.

As soon as it got dark your eyes started watering again, you remember everything that happened today. All of a sudden, you feel a pair of hands slip on your waist. San hugged you tightly from behind. "I got you." He whispered in your ears. He didn't let go of you all night long, you woke up in the same position the next morning.

#san #ateez #ateez fluff #ateez scenarios #ateez imagine #choi san #san x reader #ateez san #ateez san fluff #childhood best friends to lovers #friends to lovers #slowburn romance #san x you #san comfort #bff san #san imagine #ateez fanfic

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steviewashere · 8 months ago

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Loving Who You Are, Not What You Offer

Rating: Teen and Up CW: Referenced Rape/Non-Con (Not Between Main Pairing), Panic Attack (Sort of) Tags: Post Season 4, Post Canon, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Asexual Steve Harrington, Coming Out, Protective Eddie Munson, Patient Eddie Munson, Steve Harrington Has Sexual Trauma, Steve Harrington is a Sweetheart, Eddie Munson is a Sweetheart, Slight Comphet Steve Harrington, Dialogue Heavy

Okay, honestly, this one comes from a more personal place. So I'm gonna have to ask y'all to be kind about this one. I've recently come to terms that I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum and I just needed to apply that somewhere, so. Also, writing from Eddie's point of view rather than Steve's helps me, so I don't wanna hear shit about it.

Read the content warning one more time before you continue and let me know if I missed anything <3

🩵—————🩵 There was an uncovered layer to Steve Harrington, that much Eddie has deduced.

It’s a subtle, blink and you wouldn’t notice, kind of thing. But even this uncovered layer had layers. And he’s not sure if anybody else has caught on. He was able to catalog several odd things about Steve that just…didn’t match his character. Not at all. Which has led, though it started casually and accidentally, to Eddie making a whole new doctrine.

The Odd Steve Behavior Doctrine. With a few noticeable bullet points:

-Don’t touch him without asking -Don’t ask him about his sex life -Don’t talk about sex around him, at all -He especially doesn’t like casual intimacy -Earning Steve’s trust is like climbing up a rocky mountain

He follows these rules he’s made for himself. Tries to keep himself casual and known in Steve’s presence. And hopes that it’s enough to get Steve to crack, even the slightest. Maybe he’ll say why these things bother him, Eddie initially thought.

Maybe I’ll just keep my mouth shut and let Steve come to me in his own time, he eventually noted. Because he doesn’t need to be in everybody’s business all the time, which is a typical thing for Eddie. He likes being nosy and involved with the lives of people around him. He likes to think of himself as the person his friends can come to, no matter the reason or the intensity of their need. And maybe part of it is selfish, too. He can admit that to himself. That he, in turn, wants to be everything Steve needs at the end of the day. Bearing the brunt of all that Steve has going wrong or right in his life.

Things come to Eddie little by little from Steve’s mouth. None that answer to any of the bullets in his doctrine, but things that are important, too. Like confessions, moments that Steve saw as flaws.

“I called Jonathan Byers a queer in 1983. That’s why he beat me up. I deserved it,” he told Eddie one day. Casually, complete nonchalance, as easy as discussing the weather. Steve had been cradling a mug of coffee at their local diner. Picked at the pancake platter he ordered all for himself. And, at Eddie’s coming out (“I’m gay, Steve,” Eddie admitted quietly mere moments before. He brought up love lives. Was poking around what was going on with Steve’s. And casually, he realizes, it just came up.), Steve took a sharp inhale. Confessed this bomb of a statement. Grimaced at the memory that must’ve played out behind his eyes. Then, murmured, “But thank you for trusting me with that, Eddie. I just need you to know that I was somebody you wouldn’t before. In case that…In case maybe you wanna take back that trust. Wouldn’t blame you, that’s all I’m saying.”

Eddie sat in that for a good several moments. As they slurped at their room temperature, rather mediocre mugs of Joe. “I still trust you,” he eventually said, “You don’t have to keep proving yourself to me, you know?” Steve merely shrugged. And that was confessional number one.

Following that, Steve mentioned being tortured by Russians. Which, Eddie thought that was reason for him not liking touch. It may be part of the reason, but there was something to Steve’s eyes that told him that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Eddie didn’t ask. Steve didn’t elaborate. Tortured by Russians, beat up by his peers, chewed up like a dog toy, the list in Eddie’s mind of All the Bad Things That Happened to Steve was growing longer and longer by the day. But Steve was telling him things, letting him in. It was a start.

So, Eddie had two catalogs all about Steve to keep up with in his mind. All the Bad Things and The Do’s and Don’ts of Steve Harrington.

Being his friend was an earned thing and it was a pleasant thing, but it also broke Eddie’s heart bit by bit. He’d never admit to this, but he had to realize that at some point. He wondered if Robin ever felt the same. Maybe even Nancy. But he wasn’t going to ask. Because who asks something like that? Eddie won’t be the first, but it won’t be the last somebody thinks that, he’s sure.

Even though Steve was breaking through his own mold, cracking his mask, shattering mirrors of who he was, none of it actually answered any of Eddie’s don’ts regarding him. None of it eased him. None of it lended itself in any sort of way. If anything, all of these other greater things only added to the incessant itch that couldn’t be scratched under Eddie’s skin.

Who are you really, Steve, Eddie asked himself all too much.

He doesn’t want to upset the poor guy.

But he’ll never know, he’s coming to realize. It’s just not in the cards.

———

It comes to a head, because of course it does. And he didn’t mean for it to, but it just happens.

They’re hanging out at Steve’s new-ish apartment. Lounging around on his, frankly, ugly floral second-hand couch. It’s musty and not all that soft on the cushions, lumpy and shifting. But they make do with it as they have a movie marathon. Steve is sprawled between the far right and middle cushion, Eddie is leaning against the left arm rest, legs crossed one over the other, head in his hand. Then, his stomach grumbles all too loudly in a room full of droning noise.

He leans into Steve’s space slightly. Reaches out a hand and places it on his thigh. Squeezes Steve’s leg and opens his mouth to ask if he’s hungry. But, for some reason, Steve tenses to the extremes underneath his touch. His hands grip harshly to the back of the couch and the throw pillow near his head. Legs going taut and straining against Eddie’s touch.

“Steve?” Eddie calls softly.

“Stop,” musters from Steve. It’s tiny. Cracking in half. Brings tears to his eyes immediately.

Eddie furrows his eyebrows, though. “What?” He asks. “What am I doing?” There’s a thrum in his chest. Something unsettling and obtuse. It pulsates and shifts and bitters his throat the way acidic bile does.

With force Eddie’s only seen in the Upside Down, Steve latches onto Eddie’s wrist. Tight enough that Eddie has to bite back a yelp of pure and unadulterated pain. Nearly enough to break the bone that Steve’s thumb digs into. He shoves Eddie away with just his grip. Scrambles to the far corner of the couch, legs tucked in close to his chest, knees colliding with his chin. He wraps his arms around himself.

And then, the softest noise breaks through between them. It’s quiet, yet somehow louder than the tape playing. It works its way under Eddie’s skin. Into his stomach, through his throat, and into his brain. Steve’s gentle, manufactured cries. Stifled behind his lips. In real time, Eddie watches him shatter. The way his eyes gloss over, his cheeks going splotchy with the sounds, his shoulders shake.

“Woah, hey,” Eddie whispers, reaching out again. He wants to ground him. Wants to comfort the way he knows how. How he soothes Wayne’s panic episodes. And how he calms Dustin down from lashing out. Or when Robin talks herself in circles. Wants to just…be there. “Hey, Steve, are you—“

“Don’t touch me,” Steve bites out, “I don’t have anything—You—I don’t want to.”

Immediately, Eddie drops his hand to the now unoccupied middle cushion. The fabric meeting his palm. Going cold. Warm where Steve had just been relaxed. And Eddie—he may be a dastardly fool most days, dumb as rock the others, three time senior—knows exactly what he did, now that he’s focused on every small movement he makes. He’s perceptive to the way Steve is leaning as far away as possible. How crumpled he makes his body. Eddie notices how much space has been created and where his hands lie.

I’m so stupid, he thinks, that’s like rule one.

Don’t touch him without asking.

“Fuck,” Eddie softly curses. He pulls himself away. To his own corner of the sofa. And swallows the bit of panic that rises in him. His eyes drift away from Steve’s fearful face, to his own hands. Twitches them in his lap, against his knees. Wants to cut them off. Throw them into a blender. Feed them to the birds. Something. But he forces himself to look back up.

Steve trembles against the couch. In a way that is not the Steve Harrington that Eddie met when fighting other worldly creatures. That dismantles everything and anything he once knew.

“Shit. I—Steve, I’m so sorry,” he quickly apologizes. “I’m sorry. I know that you don’t like that unless people ask. And I just—I wasn’t thinking, I promise. It was just—You know, I’m touchy with all my friends and I was just going to see if you wanted me to make some dinner or order some food. I was just trying to get your attention, y’know, and I didn’t mean anything by it. I promise, I swear. I swear on my mom, Steve. I would never—“ He takes a deep, gasping breath. Coughing on the inhale. His hands shake, now. And he doesn’t think he’s ever seen fear paint itself so clear and bright on a person’s face, but he’s looking into it. Steve’s pallor and yet still red cheeks. And his all consuming, though far away eyes. His built body, yet childlike hold.

A part of Eddie wants to cry, too. I’ve fucked up, he panics internally, I’ve fucked everything up and now he’s not going to be my friend and he was such a good friend, too. Why did I have to do that? I just wanted to make sure he was fed, too. That’s it. He’s such a good friend and now I’ve fucked it and I just—I—

“You wanted to make me food?” Steve quietly croaks.

Eddie, in an instant, nods. “Yes!” He exclaims in his own panic. “Yes, I swear, Steve. I wasn’t thinking when I touched your thigh. And I—What do you want to eat, Stevie? Say the word, I’ll find a way to make it or…something.”

His hands twitch in his lap once more. Thumbs catching on the ripped holes of his jeans. The threads soft and wearing away under his skin. The scratchy, dry bit of skin that peers through. He doesn’t blink. Doesn’t think he breathes. Just makes eye contact with Steve. Which, surely, is overbearing and unnecessary and…I’m probably freaking him out more, calm down. He takes a deep breath, blows it away from him, and lowers his shoulders from where he didn’t know they were hiking.

“It was nothing more than to check-in. I promise,” he reiterates, murmuring.

Steve, finally, draws away from himself. With his own breath. He unravels his legs, stretching them out to their full length onto the middle cushion. Arms going limp at his sides. Hands resting against his thighs. His eyes dart—left and right and left and right—between Eddie’s. Nods once. “Okay,” he meekly musters. “Okay, Eds. Can…We can order pizza. There should be a menu on the kitchen counter. I’ll—“

Eddie stands from his own cushion before Steve gets the chance to. “Nope, don’t worry about it. Just try and relax, yeah? I’ll go put in an order, pay for it. You…Pepperoni pizza?” Steve just nods, tentative and surprised. “Cool,” Eddie states, “I’ll be right back.”

The phone call goes by quick and he easily sets the money out for when the driver gets there. But he’s not entirely sure his presence is going to be a warm welcome in the living room again. He gets a glass of water anyway because, surely, Steve will tell him to go if he isn’t wanted.

Steve’s in the same position as when Eddie left. Though, his gaze isn’t entirely there. Somewhere beyond Eddie’s shoulder. But there’s a gleam, a little shine that tells him that Steve isn’t gone from himself, not yet at least. He sits back down in his own cushion. Glass on the coffee table. And turns, keeping himself tight to his own body.

“Hey, Steve?” He calls out, watching as Steve blinks sluggishly back into his body. “I—uh—I got you some water, if you want it. Drinking water usually helps me feel better after…After a down moment, y’know?”

Next to him, Steve hums. He sighs. “Can I trust you with something?” He asks, forgoing the water entirely.

Eddie nods in haste. “Of course, Steve. If you have something you have to tell me, I can keep things to myself,” he states. Which is one hundred percent true. He may be a loud guy, screaming and yelling when need be. May be somebody that fills a room with noise, if only so he doesn’t succumb to the silence. But he knows how to keep a secret. It’s sort of a survival tactic, is what he’d say if somebody asked him about it. He’s kept secrets about his parents, things behind lock and key in his ribcage. Granted, he may forget, but he won’t say a damn thing. And he surely won’t spill Steve’s beans, especially with the way he looks to him in open earnest.

“Okay,” Steve responds. His legs fall away from the couch and he rights himself into being completely upright. Ramrod straight. On the far right cushion. Mirroring Eddie’s tight pose. Feet flat to the floor. His eyes trace something on the coffee table, cracks probably, but Eddie can’t exactly tell. “Okay. I…You’re going to be the second person I’ve ever told this to, alright? And I—I figured that it would come out sooner or later, but you’re gonna need an explanation for whatever the fuck just happened. And I don’t know how else to talk about it without just going all-in. So…I just need you to listen. Can you do that?”

“Yeah,” Eddie murmurs, “you have the floor, Stevie. My mouth is shut.”

Steve nods slow, a ghost of a smile on his face. Breathes in through his nose, it traps in his chest and comes out as one gentle gust. He swallows heavily, words seemingly rising in his throat. And that smile falls away just as it sprung.

“In middle school, before I was popular and whatever, I had a group of friends that I ran with. We were all nerds, I won’t deny that. And—And I would involve myself with some of their interests, if only because I wanted to fit in,” Steve explains first. His eyes roam again. Not picking a spot, but Eddie won’t fault him for it. He continues, voice fracturing, “One of the guys I was closer to, we’ll call him R, he was interested in this club. It was kind of like a tech club? Focused on radios and channels and math and…Things that I was actually kind of good with, but needed a better understanding on. So, I figured, I’d sign up for this club. Go with my…friend.”

Before he goes on to say more, he leans over for the glass of water on the table. Holds it gently between his hands. Doesn’t take any sips. The condensation droplets roll down his fingers. Cold most likely keeping him grounded to the room.

Eddie can already tell he’s not going to like wherever this part of Steve’s past leads him. How Steve has to take breaks, it upsets Eddie greatly. He’s not sure he’s entirely prepared for whatever confession comes from Steve this time, but he’ll digest it. Get through this with the guy and figure out all he needs to.

Another steadying breath. And Steve’s voice is like gravel, but he keeps talking.

“It was a weekly thing. And we’d go in. Be taught about gadgets and whats-its and whatnot. R was there, though. He was always there. We’d talk, laugh, shoot the shit. Normal friend bullshit.

“One day, though. One day, something was…different. He looked at me. There was a sense of hunger. Want. A drive to him that I’d never seen before. He’d lean more into my space, drop his voice lower, whisper right into my ear.” Steve blinks in rapid succession. His breath keeps stuttering. And something in Eddie’s stomach sours. He goes, though. Pushing through. “I told him to stop. To knock it off. Kept telling him that I was trying to learn. That I wanted to focus. And he just…He wouldn’t,” he explains.

Eddie spikes with great unease and anger. Never at Steve. But whoever this so called ‘friend’ is, Eddie wants to maybe kill him. He keeps quiet, though. Steve wanted to share and he needs this out. And Eddie can listen. He can, even if it makes him want to cry, too.

“I thought that’s all it would be,” Steve speaks quietly, “Just him talking to me in this new tone. With this new level to his voice. But…I’m kind of stupid, I guess, so of course that’s not all he’d do. The next week at our club meeting, he got closer than before. He began to…” Steve stops and swallows. A single, silent tear crawls down his face. It doesn’t even phase him, the way crying usually does. It’s just background at this point. “…He began to—to touch me in ways I’d never been. And I—I told him to stop, I remember doing that. I remember putting distance between us. And saying no and saying stop and shoving his hands off me. But he just—“ A broken little sob. “—He was supposed to be my friend,” he states, small as a child.

The sobs rack Steve in such a way that his whole body is jolting with it. Nearly toppling off the couch. He chugs the water between cries, but doesn’t move from his spot. Tight and closed off within his own body.

“I wanted him to just be my friend,” Steve continues a moment later, nasally and choked. “But he didn’t want that. He kept overpowering every single decision I made. His breath on my earlobe. And his hands on my thigh, on my…He fucking touched my crotch. Tried to coerce me into having sex,” he spits. “That guy…He made me feel fucking disgusting. About my own body. About things I loved. About sex,” Steve growls, “Made me sort of dislike all those things, too.”

Eddie, for how loud he can be, is completely silent for once. Unable to form words. Not sure how to comfort. And if he could comfort, isn’t sure if that’s something he can do the way he wants to. He can’t touch. Can’t do what he’d normally do. And his body aches to take care of Steve or to simply hold him. To be…well, to be a friend. But that’s not something Steve can exactly trust.

He feels sick to his stomach.

The last bit of water is sipped at slowly, as Steve comes down. Then, he turns to face Eddie. Making direct and purposeful eye contact. “It’s not your fault, that I reacted like I did,” he states lowly. “And it’s not your fault that I close up when you want to talk about sex. Or you wanna talk about all that intimate shit. It’s something with me. Like something’s broken. It’s like a deep crack in me, Eddie.

“And I just wanted to clear up all that. Explain what I can, I guess.” He snakes out a tentative hand. It’s shaking and hesitant, but it still lands softly on the back of Eddie’s right. Squeezes. “But thank you for taking notice. And being concerned. And for apologizing. I feel safe with you, Eddie. I trust you a lot. Which is like—That’s probably highest honors you could earn with me.” And he chuckles slightly. It’s not a humorous thing, but it’s not exactly humorless either.

Eddie lets himself soak in this, though. Smiling warmly back at Steve. Because he needs it. They both need it. He murmurs, “Thank you for trusting me with that, Steve. That wasn’t easy and I’m proud of you for speaking up about it. I’m glad to be somebody you can trust.”

With another exhale, Steve relaxes back into the couch. His hand doesn’t move from Eddie’s. “I also want to say that you’re allowed to talk about your relationships with dudes,” he states quietly. “Seriously, I don’t mind. But just…Just check in with me? Before you do?”

“Of course,” he agrees instantly. “I’ll keep that in my noggin, promise, Stevie.”

Ghost of a smile on Steve’s face again. “Thanks,” he whispers.

A lull floats in the conversation. Steve removes his hand, watching as his fingers twitch, and there’s a little uptick to the corners of his mouth. Something pleased and almost…reverent at the way he looks at his hand.

Before Eddie can get up to change out the movie, he heaves a little sigh. And says, “Y’know, if you ever need any sort of physical comfort, need to talk about this, or you just need somebody to tell you that you’re okay, you can lean on me. Don’t even need to ask, really. I’m all arms.”

“I’ll think about it, Eds. This has been enough for me."

——— Steve comes out to him at the same diner Eddie did only a few years later.

It’s 1990, Eddie’s twenty-four and Steve’s freshly twenty-three. He has a certain spark to him. A sparkle to his smile and a pep in his step. And Eddie’s happy to see him happy.

Happy to eventually call their relationship romantic. Happy to share spots on the couch, curled around each other. Happy to kiss him slow and sweet or not at all, just able to gaze over coffee mugs and across the room and when Steve thinks he can’t be seen.

Eddie’s just happy to be allowed this love that fills his chest and in the colder, vacant spots of their lives.

But he realizes he still hasn’t heard everything about Steve. He gives it time, though. Because the second most important thing to Steve—first just being there for him—is patience.

The next of their chats happens when things get heated on the couch.

Soft kisses turn hungry, carnivorous. Hands wander over heated skin. Steve’s fingers against the hem of Eddie’s t-shirt. But his hands shake. And Eddie places his own hands off to the sides of the couch, pulling himself away before things can get any farther than they already are.

“Hey,” he softly speaks, “Steve, we don’t—I’m okay with just kissing right now. We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

Steve stops next to him. Tensing up only slightly. “Are you—You’re sure about that?” His voice is so tiny, so unlike him. And though Eddie’s heard this tone before, it still breaks him.

He says easily, “I don’t want you to be scared of our first time, baby. It’s okay if we need to take things slow.”

He watches as Steve heavily swallows. “And if I asked if we never had sex?”

Eddie eyes him for a moment. Not wearily. With something like subtle pride. “Is that what you want?” He asks in turn. “Would that make you more comfortable?”

Subtly, Steve nods. “I—“ He sighs sadly. “I’ve been thinking about how to talk to you about it. With girls, I never even liked it. I just did it because it…There was something to say about a guy who could have sex with anybody he wants. But I also…I don’t know.” He shrugs as if trying to dismiss it, but Eddie doesn’t like that.

He sets a hesitant, soft hand on Steve’s shoulder. Squeezes when he doesn’t move away. “If you never want to have sex again, I’d be okay with that. I’d be more than okay with that,” he states assuringly. “You being happy and comfortable is what matters most to me. Not sex. I don’t give a shit about sex, not when I get to see you every day, smile on your face, and your eyes shiny and beautiful.”

Steve gives another small sigh, but the smile he has doesn’t waver. “Okay. I—Eddie, I don’t think I want to have sex,” he admits quietly. It shakes from his throat, but it’s still confident the way it lands between them. “It just doesn’t feel good to me. And I—I don’t want to force myself to do it. And it wouldn’t be fair to you, either.”

Another affirmative squeeze to Steve’s shoulder. “Alright, baby. Then we don’t have sex,” he agrees softly. “And if you ever change your mind—not that I’m forcing you to—then I’m okay with what you want.” He scoots himself closer so that their bodies are one single line, warm against each other. Reiterating, “Your happiness and comfort matter the most to me.”

With both of his hands, Steve wraps Eddie’s free one. Traces the veins on the back of his hand. Toys with his fingers. “We can still kiss, though,” he states quietly. “Maybe I want a kiss.”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Mhm,” Steve hums. So, he closes the gap. A wet peck to Eddie’s lips. Soft and venturing. One that last only a few seconds. He draws back with the softest smile adorned on his features. Murmurs, “Thank you for hearing me out on this. And for understanding. And for accepting this.”

“I love you, Steve. Just for you. Not the sex or touch. We could never do anything except sit next to each other and talk, and I’d still love you,” Eddie swears.

Steve sniffs something wet. Shoves himself a little closer, cuddling into Eddie’s chest. To which Eddie wraps his arms around his back in response. And he sighs, but it’s a sound of long awaited relief. “I love you, too, Eddie. God, I love you.”

The conversations are tough and they are stomach turning, but after it all, Eddie gets to have Steve. How he is. How he wants to be. And that’s all Eddie could hope for.

He kisses the top of Steve’s head and relaxes back into the couch. “I’m proud of you, Steve,” he murmurs, “Thank you for trusting me.”

“Thank you for being patient. Being here.”

Eddie squeezes them together even tighter. Warm in his chest at the content noise that draws itself from Steve. This could be all that they do forever and Eddie would never ask for more.

🩵—————🩵

#stranger things #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #angst and hurt/comfort #cw referenced rape/non-con #read the content warnings #asexual steve harrington

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eowynstwin · 9 months ago

Note

Do you have any recommendations for longer cod fics with plot?

Yeah, plenty!

A few from @391780 (and their ao3) (if you decide to explore their other fics PLEASE read the tags first, early writes some very dark work that may not suit you):

The Arrangement

The ad reads "Looking for a woman (25-45) to enter a discreet and unusual arrangement, with monetary compensation. Must fill out application and send photo.", and for some reason that you can't even fathom yourself, you apply. AKA John Price, who knows better than anyone what a liability having a spouse or partner is, decides that the only way he's going to find a beautiful soft woman to put up with his absurd schedule and dangerous job is to simply hire them.

the space in between

a shortcut through a construction site at night leads you to a run-in with john price, leader of the local crime family. (or, mafia Price romance with a desk jockey who didn't sign up to be a crime boss' obsession or sole confidant)

Into Your Veins

Ghost is a vampire during a zombie apocalypse, sent on a mission from Price to recruit you to join the little gated community of survivors that he's rounding up. You're a survivor who just wants to be left in peace to tend your garden and occasionally clear out your moat and booby traps of the undead. Neither of you gets what you'd planned on.

Then we have milk0 on ao3

Incompetent People

You share a group chat with your team and you sometimes wish you didn’t. (or, a very fun fic that started as a group chat piece and has evolved into a poly 141 romance. Otherwise known as my favorite fucking trope ever. The reader character has such a fun voice, I adore this fic.)

Next of course is @ceilidho (emphemeron on ao3) (same deal as with early—read their tags if you explore more of their fic, they also write darker work)

take me home, country road

You have nothing on your person apart from a hastily packed suitcase and the dress you came into town wearing, on the run from trouble back home. Too bad John's missing a bride that matches your description. Or: the 1800s (mistaken) mail order bride au

Following up with @alittleposhtoad (smoggyfogbottom on ao3)

"it's gonna get me by the end of the night"

A year after the attack on the Urzikstan embassy, Stacy Davidson struggles to move on. Whumptober Prompt: No. 23: “It’s gonna get me by the end of the night.” Shadows | Stalking | “Who’s there?” Note: I picked Gaz x OC because this ship doesn't exist on ao3, and I wasn't sure how to classify it for searching purposes. Stacy has a minor role in the game!

oh bury me not on the lone prairie

You are a doctor on the frontier, recently widowed and left to fend for yourself. You cope by keeping a strict routine, one that is threatened by the arrival of four strangers one hazy summer night. (141 western AU)

a handsome stranger on a cold autumn day

You work at a small-town library doing the same thing day in and day out, until a handsome captain approaches your desk.

rounding out this list is @lunarvicar who is on hiatus but still fully worth reading. (you can find them here on ao3)

exit row

ghost is that hot guy at the airport you wish you could talk to. good thing your seats are next to each other on the plane and you can fantasize alllll you want. (or, you hook up with Ghost in an airport and meet, months later, after you join the 141. he is not happy about it. or is he?)

to the flame

Moth has barely escaped her first captors, but tumbles headfirst into the care of the 141. She has to decide whether to trust them and their prickly leader, Captain Price - who also happens to be the sexiest motherfucker she's ever met.

a stranger at the table

tudor era AU. John Price is an old friend of your new husband's, come to help on the farm for a season. Your vows are tested in ways you could never have imagined.

All of these I've listed are multichapter fics, but every single author's one-shots are just as good. I highly recommend reading those too!

Now I'm just going to list a few writers who you really should just take the time to go through their masterlists, because you can't go wrong with anything they write.

@yeyinde

@peachesofteal

@moondirti

@charliemwrites (dark fiction, be aware)

@ohbo-ohno (also dark fiction)

honorary mention of @guyfieriii who has removed most of her cod fiction from tumblr due to a frankly disgusting amount of harassment, but I'm sure if you ask her very very nicely she'll send you where you need to go. (seriously. be nice. or you'll see me in your bedroom holding a knife at midnight)

P.S. if you're reading this, and i've expressed love for your work in the past, but you are not on this list, it is NOT intentional exclusion. It is my absolutely horrible memory. I love you and please link your own work if you'd like!

#answered #happy reading anon!

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arkiliastuff · 10 months ago

Text

Blue Lagoon Pool

One shot | Joakim "Jolly" Karlsson x Fem! Reader

Warnings/ Tags : Fluff, Friends to Lovers type of thing, Smut, Wet Jolly and wet Reader (lmao not just because of the pool), female masturbation receiving, p in v (birth control but still wrap it up) - MDNI please

A/N : After months being stuck on this one shot I have finally finished it !! This is a little something to wait for the others fics updates that are coming. I like how the smut went 👌 even if it's still something I struggle with, but improving on it. Yeah recently, I'm giving to the Jolly girlies more content about the Swedish guitarist 👀 Hope you'll enjoy ! :D

~ The little bean taglist : @valiantroeagleangel @talialovesmiw

━─┉┈┈◈♡◈┈┈┉─━━─┉┈┈◈♡◈┈┈┉─━━─┈┉

It was a hot summer afternoon. The heat had been unbearable during the whole day and you were melting in your apartment, hardly surviving thanks to your fan and by drinking some water. You haven't planned anything. You had no more brain cells. You were so tired you wouldn’t be surprised to turn into a vegetable. Yet, when your phone started to buzz several times, you felt a bit more alive. You saw a lot of messages coming from the group chat “Bud Omens” where your friends were chatting often. It seemed they were planning a pool party tonight, at Matt, Noah and Jolly’s place. As they were asking who will be available tonight, you quickly responded, taking this opportunity to go out and socialize with your closest friends,escaping this heatwave.

You : Count me in, boys ! Jolly : That’s my girl. See you there, tonight ;)

You blushed at Jolly’s response, not expecting him to reply first and to be so frank and flirty in front of everyone in the group chat. Even though the others weren’t paying too much attention to it, moving on swiftly to who was coming with who, who was bringing snacks and drinks etc… However you knew way too well that the crush you had on Jolly wasn’t a secret to anyone. And his flirty teasing was just proving to you how the feelings were mutual. All the signals were telling you to take this opportunity and confess your feelings to him, but you were scared that might change your friendship. Well would it ? You were purposely taking your time with him, enjoying his company and teasing each other most of the time when you hang out. So, there was nothing you should be afraid to break off at this point. It wouldn’t change much. Maybe it could bring the two of you closer ? You’ll just have to figure it out tonight.

And again, if there was a pool party, this time it could mean only one thing : getting to wear your sexiest bikini. You smirked at yourself, having ideas on your outfit. Yeah, this time you were going to make him lose his mind for sure.

The evening came pretty fast, the heat cooling down so you could finally breathe normally again and not suffocate. You were finishing to get ready, just taking a bag with a towel and new clothes to change. You barely finished applying your waterproofed makeup, just in case, just to feel more confident and hot, before you heard your doorbell ringing. You opened the door and found Nicholas, waiting on your door frame. His car was parked temporarily on the sidewalk, with Folio inside. Earlier in the afternoon, you talked with Nick when he asked on the groupchat who needed a ride as he was picking up the drummer along the way anyway. You replied quickly, feeling reassured to have a driver like him for the night. You greeted the bassist with a smile, and he smiled back.

“Hey, Y/N” He waved at you, “Wow, look at you ! Looking so good. Someone’s gonna steal some hearts tonight” He teased.

You chuckled, satisfied already by your outfit, hairstyle and makeup.

“Thank you, Nick” You giggled, “But I’m only interested in one person’s heart tonight.”

He laughed quietly, again.

“Yeah, I wonder who it could be ? Maybe our Swedish guitarist ?”

“You know too much already” You replied with an amused tone, pushing him carefully with your elbow.

Then you both walked to his car where Folio was still waiting. When he looked up in your direction, you waved at him. He gave you a little thumbs up as he saw how pretty you looked with your hair braided and your nice red summer dress.You thanked him as well, wondering how Jolly would react. The ride didn’t last too long as you three had a little chat in the car. Your little group arrived at the place, music already coming out from the house. Nick parked in the court, in front of the garage before getting out. Bryan and Jesse were the first ones to greet you all.

“Hey Y/N ! It’s so good to see you again, kiddo ! It’s been a while !” Jesse said to you, playfully, after giving you a small hug.

“It’s been ages, indeed, old man. How have you been ? I hope you weren’t too tired during the tours.” You teased back.

Those nicknames were the roots of your friendship with the lead-guitarist of Erra. There were no bad intentions behind it. Jesse grinned, appreciating your sense of humor as always. You chatted a bit more with him before greeting Bryan.

“Come on, guys ! Get in the pool already before Noah and Jolly start peeing in it !” Matt yelled sarcastically at you five while you were patting Bryan’s back in a hug.

You dropped your stuff inside the house, getting off your dress in the bathroom.With your towel in one hand, you headed to the pool, at the back of the house. You saw the rest of the boys in the water, having fun together. You waved with your free hand at them. After putting your towel on an available deckchair, you searched for Jolly. You noticed him, sitting on the side of the pool, laughing at a joke Folio made. You felt your heart melt at the sight. The way his lips were curled up in a smile, his beard followed the curve and the way his long wet dark hair were cascading on his shoulders. Absolutely stunning.

He must have felt you were staring intensely at him because his look rose up to your direction. You saw how his expression slightly changed as he realized you were wearing your burgundy bikini. You gave him a small smile, while tucking a strand behind your ear, before sitting next to him.

“Hey.” You spoke softly.

“Hi, yourself.” Jolly replied, still a grin on his face.

He moved close to you, bouncing affectionately his shoulder against yours.

“Who gave you the right to be this beautiful, tonight ?” He whispered to your ear.

You smirked at him, teasing him by getting your face dangerously close to his.

“Well, you should ask my parents. They’re the ones who gave birth to me.” You jested.

Jolly chuckled softly to your joke, his gaze leaving briefly your face, as his cheeks were getting flushed. You took this opportunity to play with him by pushing him into the pool. You caught him off guard, as he slipped into the water directly. You were expecting some resistance from him, not to slip so easily like that. It seems he was really on the edge of the pool. You let out a surprised laugh, as the other boys stared at you, puffing in shock.

Yet, when Jolly came to the surface, you immediately stop laughing and breathing. His hair, soaking wet, was falling on his chest with a few strands hiding his tattoos. He looked like a northern god, coming out of the water. You were completely captivated by the sight, your gaze attracted to his inked upper body. You bite your lower lip to restrain a gasp that was about to slip out.

While you were lost in your obvious contemplation, you didn’t notice how close Jolly was getting to you

“So, enjoying the view ?” He said with a proud grin mixed with a mischievous look.

“J-just looking at the tattoos, you know.” You terribly lied, looking away to hide your reddening face.

That didn’t convince him at all. In fact it did the opposite. He kept grinning at you, sliding his hands to your thighs, going surely to your hips. His sudden touch made you startle, not ready for what was coming. He finally managed to grab you by the waist, making you squeak in surprise as he put you in the water with him. You froze in place realizing how cold the water was compared to the temperature outside.

“So, how does it feel, now ?” He smirked.

You glanced at him, peaking his teasing in his tone. Shortly after, you were used to the cold water now, you felt your playful mood coming back. You weren’t done.

“Well, obviously wet.” You replied, getting close to him.

You belted him with your arms around his waist and tried to lift him and throw him in the water. But he was way heavier and taller than you, so your attempt was a bit pathetic. You barely lift him up. You whined in desperation while him, on the other hand, kept grinning at you.

“What’s wrong ? Struggling to lift me up ?” He teased.

“Ugh !” You grunted, still not succeeding “Guys ?! I need back up !” You yelled at the boys who were the nearest to you.

Of course, Bryan and Jesse came to the rescue, followed by Folio and Noah, while the others were peacefully watching the show. The four of them managed to get Jolly under the water. You laughed with them all, also making sure they were not drowning him completely. He appeared a few meters far from the sudden group, making bubbles as he was getting a bit irritated.

“Ganging y’all up against me ? That isn’t quite fair” He pouted.

“Sorry, Jolly” You apologized, feeling guilty, as you swam close to him “Didn’t think four of them will show up like this”

The Swedish pulled you close to him, his grin back again, making you flushed.

“I admit your attempt to drown me was cute. But I will forgive you and those assholes if we beat them in a chicken fight.”

As he spoke those words, Folio looked at Jolly, sparkles in his dark eyes, getting more excited.

“Oh ??! Are we doing it for real ?!”

“Chicken fight !!!!” Bryan yelled proudly, followed by Noah.

“Alright, I’m so hyped. Let’s decide the teams !” Jesse started getting serious, “Bryan and Folio together, Noah with me. And finally, the two love birds in the corner, Jolly and Y/N, you’re teaming up. Is that fine with everyone ?”

“Gosh, this isn’t fair at all ! Noah and you are getting a huge advantage by your height, old man” You pointed to Jesse, pretending to not be affected by his remark about you and Jolly.

Jesse just shrugged at you, giving you a mischievous smile.

“You’ll thank me later, kiddo.” He teased before deciding with Noah who was going on whose shoulders.

Flustered, you mumbled into the water, making bubbles before Jolly swam next to you.

“So stuck with me again ?” He spoke warmly.

“I guess so. But I don’t mind” You replied “Did you plan all of this, though ?”

“Not at all” He shrugged “ I just offered to play the game. To have some fun, y’know ?”

“Right… “ You rolled your eyes, not really convinced. “Come on, we have to win this so I can repay the debt I owe you.” You mentioned.

Jolly smiled and nodded at you as an approval. After you quickly talked about your strategy, he kneeled a little in the water so you could climb easily on his back, before getting on his shoulders. Once you were settled, he straightened up. You hold his head, making sure you wouldn’t fall. Jolly held your tights firmly to stabilize you more. His grip was getting a bit harder on them which made your legs twitch. He probably felt it but he pretended to not notice anything.

And so, the chicken fight began. You saw team Folio-Bryan attacking Noah-Jesse. Both you and Jolly went to them and you took this opportunity to push with all of your strength Noah. The latter one, being pushed by Folio and you, eventually fell from Jesse’s shoulders. First opponent down. Then, you struggled by pushing Folio on your own. You tried tickling him, everything you could to win. Yet, it didn’t really work. Besides, he was way stronger than you so your chances to win against him were very thin. Few seconds against him and he considerably pushed you off Jolly’s shoulders, making you dive into the water.

“Yeah ! We won, Bryan !” Folio said proudly “That was a tough fight, Y/N ! “

“ ‘Did my best there.” You said, as you resurfaced, trying to keep it cool.

While Jesse and Noah were coming back for a second round, having their revenge on Bryan and Folio, Jolly went to your side, going for a handshake.

“Well done, Y/N ! At least you managed to push Noah off. And I think I got my revenge from earlier when Folio pushed you in the water. No hard feelings.” He grinned.

“That didn’t sound like a compliment at the end, but thanks, I guess.” You jested back, handshaking him as well.

“Do you want to go inside and drink something ? He offered “ I think I’m done playing with them for now.”

“Yeah, same. I cannot say no to a break.”

You two got off the pool and went inside the house, drying yourself with your towel you picked along the way. Jolly was already at the bar counter picking up a bottle of red wine and two glasses.

“I assumed you wanted wine but you can tell if you want something else. We have plenty of drinks here.”

“Don’t bother. Red wine is fine for me.” You replied, joining him.

“Wise decision. Besides, the color matches your swimsuit. Cheers.”

You cheered back at him, both of your glasses clinking on one and another.

“So, you’ve noticed.” You smirked while taking a sip of wine.

“How I couldn’t ?”

“Maybe if you were blind, you couldn’t see it.” You joked, looking straight into his dark brown eyes.

You leaned on the counter, resting your elbows on it and drinking your wine. His glance never leaving yours, briefly looking down to notice a beauty spot on your cleavage, before looking up. He was completely drawn to you. Seems like your strategy was working better than expected.

“Mister Karlsson, what were you looking at, just now ?”

He took a second sip of his glass, still looking at your face.

“Only your beautiful eyes. I was getting lost in them.” He replied

“Hmm, right. Nice catch up here” You hummed “And did they take you somewhere nice ?”

He leaned on you, so close to your face, his body towering over yours, as he gently rested his arm on your shoulders.

“A very nice place, with just you and me. Maybe just upstairs”

“So you finally decided to show me a good time ?” You went closer to him, stroking his torso with your fingertips.

“Well, you wanna find out ?”

You giggled nervously at his flirty words. Then, you softly brushed your fingers against his cheeks, before gently caressing his beard.

“Oh, Joakim, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to say this.” You breathe, slowly closing the distance between your faces.

He smiled when you spoke his name, placing his huge hands around your face, cupping it.

You felt his lips against yours, planting the sweetest kiss you ever had. You sensed every part of your body relaxing, especially the knot you had in your stomach for months delaying your feelings for Jolly. Butterflies were flying, flowers were finally blooming in your mind as this gesture was the answer you both have been waiting for.

While you were in your bubble with him, kissing each other so tenderly, you barely felt Jolly’s hands sliding slowly from your face, neck, waist… Until he stopped to your hips. His warm hands were resting on your exposed skin, his grasp grabbing more firmly the flesh of your thighs after each stroke he gave you.

Feeling his touch, you couldn’t help but whimper against his lips. He grinned, already satisfied with your reaction before trailing kisses in the crook of your neck.

You gasped for some air, tilting your head on your left to leave him more access. It didn’t take him too long to find your sensitive spot, below your ear. You felt chills, tickling you. Your knees were already weak under his kisses and touch.

“Jolly..” You retained a moan, holding his forearms to stand still “I don’t think I’ll last long standing up like this…”

“You’re right. Sorry, darling. I got a bit carried away.” He murmured, kissing your forehead so kindly “We don’t want to give them a show now, don’t we ?”

You blushed in embarrassment as you could imagine the others probably staring at you two, from outside. But Jolly didn’t pay any attention to them, too much focus on you and your flushed face. He kissed you again on your lips, reassuring you, before he pulled away.

“Only I can hear you moan like you’re dying to do” He whispered, a sassy tone in his voice.

He didn’t let you reply to that remark as he grabbed your hand in his. You just followed him, climbing the stairs as well while biting your lower lip in nervousness.

Once both of you reached his bedroom door, he suddenly pinned you against it. He took your lips in his, kissing you more ravenously. You didn’t hesitate either, grabbing his neck, brushing his hair with your fingers. His mouth went to the crook of your neck again, peppering it with feverish kisses that made you sigh.

You felt his hands slide along your curves, before halting to your butt. Lifting you up wasn’t something too difficult for Jolly. You wrapped your arms around his neck, while your legs wrapped around his waist. He kicked his door to open it, entering with you still his embrace, before repeating the same gesture to close the door behind him.

“You’re driving me insane” He whispered between kisses.

“Jolly, I want you so badly.”

He made you lay down on his bed, his lips never leaving yours too long. His kisses were wet but hot at the same time. His long damped dark hair which was tickling your body, made you groan. He caressed your neck, also admiring the curvature of your breast. He leaned to kiss the whole length.

“So beautiful and just for me.”

He kissed so tenderly the mole that caught his eyes earlier

“Right there. Gorgeous, even.”

He barely did anything and yet his low voice filled desire, his warmed touch were driving you crazy. You were at his mercy. And you liked it that way.

“Jolly.. Don’t stop there.” You begged.

He obliged, smiling against your skin which made you shiver as you felt his beard brushing it. He went down as you implored him, leaving trails of his kisses. When he ghosted the spot where you needed him the most, kissing your thighs, you let out a whine. You didn’t know what else to do.

“Jolly–!”

“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry. I will take care of you here soon. I just love being between your thighs” He confessed.

He finally took off your bikini panties before drawing circles around your fold. You just had the time to see his tattooed fingers going to play your clit and when you felt them, you arched your back from the mattress. But this is when you felt his tongue lapping on your clit you started to see stars. The sensation he gave you sent an electric wave in your whole body, making your thighs clenched around his head but not too much. Even though you had the feeling he wouldn’t mind being choked to death like this.

It didn’t take you too long to reach your first orgasm, as you came against his face. But that wasn’t enough. You wanted more. You switched the position, laying him down on the bed, getting rid of every piece of clothes you had left on you and him.

“Your turn.“ You cooed, slowly sitting on him.

“Is it okay like this ?”

“Don’t worry I’m on birth control.” You shushed him with a finger on his lips “Tonight, I wanna feel you, Joakim.”

“Whatever you want, darling.”

You rode him, his length inside of you. Your hips were moving on their own, as you drew circles on his pelvis, which made him more groan. The fire between you and him was sending your skins ablaze. You felt your mind go numb as you kept a slow pace at first then started to accelerate. You bend down to kiss him, licking his lips along the way, to feel his taste. Your hands were traveling on his torso to give you more support.

“Deeper, sweetheart.” Jolly whispered, breathless.

He must have felt you were detaching from the connection of your bodies because he grabbed your ass with his large inked hands to make you stay still on him. You indeed felt him deeper, the pace had been hastened now. You lost track of time as your only thought was him, underneath you. You reached your orgasm with Jolly, him spilling inside.

You felt every inch of him in your bones. You both stayed in each other's arms, panting heavily, as you were coming back to your senses.

“You weren’t kidding about showing me a good time” You articulated, laughing.

“With you, I’m always serious” He chuckled back, kissing your temple “I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you too.”

#bad omens #badomens #jolly karlsson #bad omens fanfiction #bad omens cult #jolly karlsson fic #joakim jolly karlsson #joakim karlsson #joakim karlsson x female reader #joakim karlsson fic #joakim jolly karlsson fanfic #joakim jolly karlsson smut #bad omens band #jolly karlsson x reader #jolly karlsson smut

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mooodyblue · 2 years ago

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take my pressure to the moon, astronaut | austin x plussized!reader

summary: it's valentine's day and austin wants to treat you right, only for it to backfire due to the anxious thoughts in your head.

warnings: nsfw mdni p in v, mentions of body image issues, mentions of not wanting to eat, read at ur own discretion 🙏🏼 probably missing some warnings idk

wc: 2.2k

a/n: i had nothing planned for today but alas. had a breakdown last night, got an idea at midnight and stayed up till 3 am just to finish this in one sitting. i told myself how i wished there were more plus sized!reader fics that weren't just smut and here i go writing more smut. but it's valentine's day! please be mindful of the tags. stay safe and happy valentine's day my friends <3 title is from 1/6 by sunmi 💗

masterlist

you always hated valentine's day. but it was different this year considering you were with austin now.

previous years, you'd find yourself in the clearance isles the day after, stocking up on your favorite snacks and then have your own late celebration. however, you'd never admit that to austin. you'll still be checking out that clearance isle though.

you didn't think you'd actually get to spend the day with him considering his busy schedule. he'd specifically asked for the day off just to treat you today. you were pleasantly surprised when you woke up to breakfast in bed, made by austin. it was nothing fancy. the tray had a plate of waffles, fruit, toast, eggs and of course, your beloved iced coffee that had mostly milk and creamer in it because you hated the taste of coffee. it's the little things that austin remembers and it's one of the main reasons he won you over.

he set the tray next to you, smiling proudly. "just call me gordon ramsay!"

you looked at the tray, a surpised expression on your face. "oh, austin! this is so-"

"but wait, there's more! hold on." austin left to the room only to return shortly, a small bouquet of roses in hand. "happy valentine's day, baby." he handed you the roses and placed a kiss on your cheek before sitting next to you, moving the tray to your lap.

oh, you could have just cried right then and there. "i didn't even get to do anything for you." you frowned.

"don't worry about it, trust me." he chuckled. he took a piece of fruit from your bowl, "now eat! i have a fun day planned for us." he said, feeding it to you.

after breakfast, you washed up and sat down at your vanity to do your make up. austin joined you in the bedroom, propping himself up on the bed and scrolling through his phone as he waited patiently for you to finish.

"what do you have planned? should i be scared?" you joked, working on your eyes.

he looked over at you, "scared? maybe a little." you widened your eyes, snapping your neck at him. "i'm just kidding! don't worry about it. 'm gonna take you to go buy a new dress for dinner tonight, then i was thinking we could....."austin continued to list off your plans for the day, but all you could do was focus on him mentioning dinner. knowing him, he most likely booked a table for the two of you at a restaurant. a public restaurant.

"...ashley told me about this amazing place in beverly hills......" you weren't even paying attention anymore. the thing is, your weight never really bothered you. it didn't bother austin either, he loved you no matter what size you were. but for some reason, you suddenly felt self conscious at the idea of eating at a public restaurant where you could easily be photographed mid bite, just to end up on the cover of some headline about someone at your weight dating austin butler.

crazy enough, you'd never eaten in public with austin. no fancy dinner or lunch dates, maybe an occasional date at a cafe, but you'd usually just get a drink and nothing else. you refused to eat in public, it was a genuine fear that you had.

"you still with me?"

you looked at him through the mirror, going back to applying your eyeliner. "yeah, sorry."

dress shopping was rough on you, especially knowing someone could easily photograph you trying on unflattering dresses and dresses that were a bit too small on you. you'd gone through five dresses already and you ended up hating them all, it was frustrating. you wished he didn't have plans on taking you out to dinner tonight cause it definitely would have made shopping a little easier.

"austin, i don't like any of these." you said through the dressing room door. "and the last one you gave me didn't even fit, it's embarrassing."

"hold on, i'm still lookin'" he went through another rack, lips perking up at a red dress that was just your size, perfect for valentine's day. "try this one on." he tossed it over the door and stood by the wall, waiting for you to come out.

the dress did fit and you were surpised at how good it looked on you, smiling softly at your appearance in the mirror. you walked out of the stall, showing it off to austin. "what do you think?"

"oh baby," he whistled and motioned for you to turn around, giving him a show. "i'd have you right here in this store if i could." your cheeks warmed up at his words, feeling your self esteem get a nice boost. "you're buyin' that one. can't wait to show you off tonight."

those words kept lingering in your brain, how he was going to show you off. it scared you slightly. you had no issue being photographed with austin, although annoying at times cause y'know...privacy. but why were you suddenly so bothered by it? you refused to bring it up to austin. you know he worked hard to get these reservations and you didn't want to ruin his plans for you.

on the way to the restaurant, you felt yourself get even more nervous, anxiety bubbling up in your chest. you really didn't want to do this. austin would understand completely, but maybe you'll push through just for him.

unfortunately, you were seated directly across from a window, perfect for someone to snap photos of the two of you. the restaurant was also filled, which didn't help at all. "i told 'em to put us in the corner." he sighed, looking over at the window. "i think we'll be alright though."

he'll be alright, but you? who knows. you just smiled and nodded, looking down at the menu and looking for something not messy, something that wouldn't have people questioning your eating habits the next day.

everything on the menu worried you, there was no safe option and you were definitely going to be laughed at on social media no matter what you ordered. you gave up and went with a pasta.

you weren't giving much to the conversation, just nodding along and taking sips from your wine. austin could tell something was off and you knew. "you alright?" before you could answer, the food was brought out and you looked down at it, questioning whether or not you should eat it or take it to go. "y/n?" he knew the moment you looked up at him.

you really tried not to cry or even tear up, it was all just frustrating for you. you wanted to eat the pasta in front of you, but your brain wouldn't stop giving you all these scenarios of what people would think of you.

austin pushed plate over to your side and stood up. "scoot over."

"what are you doing?" you asked, looking up at him.

"just-" he gestured with his hands for you to move. you moved your plate to the side along with your body as he sat beside you, shielding you away from the people there. it was a little awkward having you two sit on the same side, but it was kind of sweet. "will you eat a little bit? just for me?"

you looked at him then back down at your food, picking up the fork and taking a bite from it, covering your mouth with your hand anytime you chewed just out of habit. you could tell it made austin slightly sad, but he was just happy to see you eat.

he decided against dessert which made you feel slightly bad. "are you sure you don't want dessert?" you frowned.

he placed a hand on your lap. "i have something at home."

you only ate half of your food, too anxious to eat but well enough to eat enough to make austin happy. you'll eat the rest for breakfast tomorrow, anyway.

his hand didn't leave your thigh on the whole ride home, occasionally squeezing it and caressing your soft, delicate skin.

"i'm sorry." you muttered.

"for what?"

you looked down at your lap, watching how austin's hand gripped at your thigh. "ruining dinner."

"you didn't ruin dinner." he sighed. "i'm just happy you ate. i'm proud of you, baby."

you gave him a warm smile, but there was still that slight feeling of dread for ruining dinner.

the moment you got home, you put your leftovers in the fridge. as you turned around, you were met with austin leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed as his arms darted up and down your body. "austin i-"

"don't." he walked over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist. "i wish you could see yourself the way i see you."

"oh, austin...." you rolled your eyes.

"listen to me." he moved his arms to cup your face, "you're gorgeous. you're the most beautiful human being i've ever laid eyes on. you have no idea how bad i wanted to rip that dress off of you and take you right there in front of everyone to see."

your cheeks got hot, a familiar sense of warmth running through your body.

"gonna fuck all of those nasty, little thoughts out of that head of yours. i promise you." he growled, crashing his lips onto yours. he caught you off guard, stumbling and having your back meet the fridge. your hands cupped at his jaw, letting his tongue slip through your mouth. his hands traveled all over your body, stopping at your breasts as he squeezed them through your dress. "love your tits so much." he muttered in between kisses.

you felt him hard against your thigh, only making you crave him even more. "fuck, austin-" you gasped.

you moved your hand to give him some pressure, only for him to slap your wrist away. "don't worry about me baby, let's focus on you." he pulled away from you slightly to bend down and hook his hands under your thick thighs. you let out a slight yelp as he lifted you up and brought you to the other side of the kitchen, slamming your back against the wall as he continued to explore your mouth, tasting the sweet, wine still on your lips from dinner.

you tried to pull yourself down, pulling away from his lips. "i'm too-"

"shut up." he met your lips again, coaxing you out of your thoughts once again. he began hiking up your dress to just above your dripping, wet cunt, tsking at the lack of underwear. he pulled the zip down of his dress pants, pulling himself out of his underwear and finally freeing his hard cock, glistening with precum as he wrapped his hand around himself, moving his fist up and down a few times. "see what you to do me? fuck."

you wrapped your legs tightly around his waist as your arms went to neck. "oh my god, fuck me. please." you begged.

he wasted no time and eagerly inserted himself into you, throwing his head back at the warm, right feeling around him. "feelin' so good around my cock, baby. keep those legs around me." he slammed in and out of you, watching as your breasts bounced along with his thrusts, the straps of your dress slipping with every move of his hips. "love this body of yours baby, takes me so fucking well. can never stop thinkin' about you."

there was something about knowing how you made austin feel, all of your insecurities from before suddenly feeling pointless. you wanted to appreciate your body more, after all, austin loved it therefore you should love it too. you were always so amazed at how much he loved your body, how he explored every part of it during sex, squeezing and kissing in all the right places. and now being fucked against the wall, his strong arms holding you tightly against it as he groaned into your neck, praises leaving his mouth left and right, you couldn't have asked for anyone better.

"oh my god, austin. austin, austin, austin." you moaned, throwing your head back as he hit your sweet spot.

"yeah, say my name baby." he slammed a hand against the wall as he moved his hips faster, nipping and kissing at your neck. "god, you were made just for me."

the sounds coming from the both of you were pornograpic, the sounds of your moans and juices filling the entire kitchen. you felt yourself getting closer, your orgasm bubbling inside you quickly. he knows it as he feels you flutter around his cock, earning a grunt from him as his own climax was approaching. "oh my pretty baby, love you so fuckin' much."

"aus, i'm gonna-" you whimpered.

"me too, c'mon. gonna fill you right up." his thrusts began to stutter, slowing down as his orgasm hit, moaning as he felt your walls clench right around him. "that's right, so perfect for me, good lord." he panted.

he kissed you again, pulling away and touching your forehead with his as the two of you caught your breaths. "marry me." he said breathlessly.

your eyes widened. "what?"

he let out a breathy laugh. "you heard me."

you didn't know what to say. there was so much to take in. he still had you pinned up against the wall, his cock was still inside you and he just came inside of you, now suddenly you're being proposed to. you let out a laugh, "i can't believe you just proposed to me with your dick still inside of me."

"still waiting for that answer."

you hummed, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. "let's do it."

taglist: @flwrs4aust @father-of-2cats @ellie-24 @dilfelvis @shantellescrivener @orngdrv @pennyroyalcreep @18lkpeters @purejasmine @ranaissinglw

#austin x reader #the gif makes me giggle

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sunnygrey99 · 1 year ago

Text

Honey, Smoke, Lemon, and Oak Pt 3

~Trigger Warning: Typical TLOU warnings. Self Harm, suicidal tendencies, severe mental illness, PTSD, gore, psychological torture, slight implications of previous abuse/SA (minors DNI) If any other Triggers apply please let me know.~

Story Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Violence, Murder, Death, Smut

A/N: This is a rough chapter. I'm trying to be as accurate to an unpredictable mental illness as I can be. As someone who suffers from severe mental illness I do not take it lightly. Please if you are suffering or need help Tumblr offers resources that can really help.

Wordcount: 2,546

Summary: Plus size!Reader is a Beekeeper and Medical Scientist living in Jackson. A simple meeting of a new friend slowly becomes so much more. Reader is immune. Reader is given a nickname. (This fic will have very dark tones though out. This deals with the unfortunate reality that men do disgusting things to women regardless of the world having ended. All chapters will include warnings and tag warnings. Please take care in reading.)

Its been a couple weeks since Ellie started school. You missed her during the mornings but she never failed to show up after school even just to do her homework next to you as you worked. Joel of course still working in the barn and every once in awhile coming back up to where ever you and Ellie were to take breaks and check up on you both. It was nice seeing them but after they leave each night you could feel the anxiety and hurt edging back into you.

You haven’t slept in the last three nights and its starting to show. Today as soon as you open the door and greet Joel he is looking at you with a deep set concern.

“You doin’ alright today Miss Bunny?” His hand stretches out just about to touch you in case you need support.

You pull back fast and stumble slightly into the door frame, “I’m just fine, thank you.” You pull your arms across your chest and seem to shrink in on yourself. “You can take the day off if you want. I was going to spend today in the barn.”

Joel seems to take the information in and mulls it over for a moment. His concern still intensely written across his features. “I don’t think thats a very good idea-”

You interrupt him quickly, “I don’t need you telling me what I can and can’t do Mr.Miller. It is my job to make that medication. The town needs it.”

Joel’s features go from concern to confusion to anger in the blink of an eye. “I’m just tryin’ to look out for you. You look like you ain’t slept in a week and now you’re snappin’ at me.”

“I don’t need you to look out for me I said I’m fine. Leave.” With those words you slam the door and start pacing your home. You know its wrong the second the words leave your mouth. Its been months since you felt like this. The last time it happened it took weeks for you to come back from it. Maria found you and helped bring you back last time but at the cost of permanent damage to your friendship. You know she’ll never fully trust you again after that. You can’t let it happen to anyone else.

The next thirty minutes are spent by you locking and boarding up every window and door in the house. If no one can come in while you are like this then they wont get hurt.

~~~

Joel is dumbfounded and stands on your porch for five minutes trying to understand what just happened. He devolves into anger and annoyance and stalks off to find some other work to keep him busy for the day.

Another week passes and Joel finds himself at Maria and Tommy’s place helping them get ready for the new baby. Shes due in just a couple months and both Tommy and Maria are in a tizzy trying to make sure everything is ready for the new addition to the family.

“Ya know it doesn’t have to be perfect right Tommy?” Joel’s tone light and relaxed in the presence of family.

Tommy scuffs and rearranges the fabric diapers and towels again, “I know but I just want it to make sense. Its gonna be hard enough raising a kid in this world let alone having things disorganized once they get here.”

Joel chuckles at his brother, “It was a shitty world then and its a shitty world now, either way ain’t keepin that organized for more than a day when the kiddo gets here.”

Maria walks in then hand on her belly and the other carrying a small box of extra baby stuff. Tommy rushes over grabbing the box from her. “The Doc said not to lift anything and you should be in bed resting.”

“I can’t just lay in bed for the next few months and you know that. Besides the Doc said I can’t lift more than ten pounds. That’s less than eight.” Maria smiles at her husband and pats his cheek before giving him a small peck on the lips.

Joel watches the contentedness wash over their features. A sense of envy fills his own chest. He misses that feeling. Recognizing that he had something similar with Sarah’s mom before she left and he hadn’t felt that want since she did. He also feels a bit of jealousy at his brother having what he wishes he did when Sarah’s mom was pregnant. Joel hadn’t even known about Sarah until she was dropped off by a social worker when she was a week old. Most surprising of all is his sudden want for a chance at that again. He feels himself try to shake off the thoughts. Immediately replaced by the feelings of grief, sadness, and loss. Anger being the most present. The two others in the room oblivious to the change in Joel’s demeanor. Maria turns the Joel then, “So hows the barn coming along?”

Joel huffs and rolls his eyes at that, “Just fine till Bunny told me to fuck off.”

Maria looks over to Tommy with confusion and concern immediately written across her face. She looks back to Joel, “What do you mean she told you to fuck off?”

He simply shrugs. “Looked like she hadn’t slept in a few, asked her if she was alright…damn near chewed my head off for it. Told me to leave so I did.”

She takes a step closer the concern only worsening, “Joel this is very important. How long ago was this?”

He squints his eyes at her then his brother. He feels as if he is missing something important, like he doesn’t know something they do. His eyes shift back over to Maria, “A week ago.”

She curses under her breath before looking at Tommy. “You see her in the past week at all?” He simply shakes his head no. “Tommy we need to get the doc to her ASAP.” He nods and starts heading to the truck Maria right behind him.

Joel stands there confused for a moment lost in thought as to what might be the reason that the doc would be needed. He almost just brushes it off and lets them deal with it, but something in him is telling him to get a move on and help. Clearly something is wrong and Bunny needs help.

Its not even twenty minutes later they are all standing at the front door. Maria banging on the door with no answer. Joel peers into the window to see if there is any movement. “Looks like she’s got the windows and doors blocked from the inside. What the hell is goin’ on with her?”

Maria huffs as she paces the porch, “I should have known when she didn’t come over Tuesday. She never misses bringing me meds.”

“You didn’t tell me she didn’t drop those off.” Tommy voices from the bottom of the porch stairs.

“I still had meds I would have been fine. I thought she would just be by tomorrow when she drops off the rest to the clinic.” Maria walks back to the door again and calls your name. She tries again just a couple more times hoping your real name would coax you out sooner. They all hear a rustling around from inside the house and she calls for you again. “Bunny please, Its just me Maria. You can trust me remember? We have been best friends for a decade. You saved my ass from a hundred infected, supported me with governing Jackson. Sweetie I know you are in there please open up. We just want to know you are okay!”

Joel can see the tears prickling in Maria’s eyes. He hasn’t ever seen her this emotional and distressed even with the pregnancy hormones. He looks to Tommy and recognizes the same sad look in his eyes that he had when he himself had gone off the deep end. It suddenly struck him what was happening. That’s when they all hear the shattering of glass come from inside the house.

~~~

You’ve been pacing the bottom floor of the house for you don’t even know how long. Sleeping only in small increments when your body allows it. That voice creeping in slowly. His voice. Its been so long since you’d heard it but you remember the condescending tone anywhere. At first it sounded far away like he was yelling from the yard but then he was closer and closer. He always knows where you are in the house without actually being here. He sounds like hes in the walls now.

“Little girl, you can’t run away from me now…” His voice makes you tremble in fear. “I know where you are…I know your every thought.”

“no….no just….just leave me alone please. I’ve given you enough of me.” Your hands squeeze around the leather handle of your knife as you pace in the center of the living room.

“NO! I WANT IT ALL! YOU’RE MINE!” His voice echoes out. Its almost enough to cover the banging at your front door. That’s when you hear your name being called in a familiar, sweeter voice.

“Bunny please, Its just me Maria. You can trust me remember? We have been best friends for a decade. You saved my ass from a hundred infected, supported me with governing Jackson. Sweetie I know you are in there please open up. We just want to know you are okay!” The voice carried through the walls you had built up. You don’t remember this person, only a small spark of familiarity.

You walk to the front door hand out stretched yet hesitant to take down the furniture blocking the way. “Don’t you dare trust her. She just wants to steal you away from me. You don’t want that do you little girl? She’ll hurt you.” Your trembling hands pull back and reach to cover your ears, the blade from your knife brushing slightly against your cheek.

“She sounds nice, I think I know her.” Your voice just a hushed whisper.

“STUPID GIRL! You can’t trust anyone but me! I kept you safe all those years and THIS is how you repay me?” His voice booms as you stumble back some slicing open your cheek. “It looks like I need to teach you another lesson. A round of iron should teach you better.” Its then that you see him emerge from the wall. A fire poker in hand and red hot. You see his hands wring around the iron grip and a gleeful look in his otherwise dead eyes. The bullet hole in his forehead still oozing blood like the last time you saw him. And the same devious, wicked smile plastered on his face. As he inches forward you feel yourself pushed back into fight or flight mode. You reach to the nearest objects and start throwing them at him, hoping to deter him from coming any closer. Once hes only a few inches away you let out a blood curdling scream. Moments later furniture flies away from its barricade spot and the door breaks off its hinges.

A man you don’t recognize walks towards you in a hurry, light shining behind him as if he is some sort of angel. Unsure of what to make of the man you shuffle away. The man of your nightmares dissipated into thin air as the new man stops in his tracks. His movements much slower now as if trying to calm a scared and wild animal. You can see his lips move but you don’t hear any sound right away. The golden light behind him is almost blinding as it washes over the cold room. It warms your skin as you look down at yourself and see the light gracing your form. Looking back up at the man you smile. “Is it safe? Is he gone?”

The man kneels down in front of you and slowly nods. He reaches up and starts to take the knife from you. That’s when the light behind him starts to fade into an inky black. Panic quickly floods back into your system, and your grip hardens on the knife. “No! GET AWAY FROM ME!” You kick at him and scramble to move away. He lets go and steps back quickly.

“Bunny please, I promise I ain’t gonna hurt you.” He watches you intently and you in-turn watch him. The light and inky black fighting back and forth around the man. Swirling and mixing yet never quite touching. Your gaze still lays on his features with no trust. He waits on a few moments before speaking back up. “I’ll stay right here okay? I just need you to put the knife down.”

The panic quickly grows and your eyes flick from him to the knife and back to him. “I won’t let him or any other man get me again.” You quickly flip the knife back to yourself and plunge the knife deep into your abdomen.

As your body feels the sudden numbness pool in your abdomen reality crashes back in. Eyes locked with Joel’s as he stands there stunned. “Joel…I…” You look back down to your abdomen, “Oh god what…did I do?” Dropping to your knees, hands grabbing at the still plugged wound. Your hands smearing the dripping blood as you feel another pair of hands on you keeping you from fully falling to the ground.

You hear Joel’s voice calling out something. He sounds panicked but you can’t quite understand what he is saying. All the sound around you muffled as if you were stuck in a dream. The inky black that had been around Joel enveloping your own vision as you hear more voices get added to the muddled sound.

~~~

Joel yells out to the group on the porch, “Doc! We need the Doc in here!” He cradles your shoulders as he rocks you back and forth slowly. His other arm pulling your legs to get you laying more flat. The blood pouring out from your wound coats Joel’s clothes and hand. Your eyes only half open staring up at him, pupils blown wide. You try muttering something out and weakly raise your arm. He was quick to hold you and shush you. “It’s alright Miss Bunny, we are gonna fix this. Everything is going to be okay.”

Time seems to stand still for hours as he looked deep into your eyes. His own filling with tears he hadn’t realized he could have for anyone more than he already had. It was when your eyes rolled fully back and the doctor pulled you from his grip that he himself blacked out. The next thing Joel knew he was standing with Ellie next to your sleeping form in a hospital bed.

Ellie’s hand squeezing yours and silent tears rolling down her own face. Joel does the only thing he can think of to help. He pulls up two chairs and guides Ellie to sit still able to hold your hand. He barely catches the whisper that leaves her lips. “Please don’t abandon me too.” It instantly crushes Joel’s heart and all he can do is sit there with Ellie.

Part 4

If you would like to be tagged in my works please feel free to message me and let me know who/what fandoms you’d like to be tagged in. I plan to write for at least The Walking Dead, Shameless(US), Marvel(MCU and Comics), DC(All), Teen Wolf and The Last of Us

#reader insert #long reads #potentially triggering #ellie williams #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x y/n #joel miller x you #maria miller #the last of us #tommy miller #tw abuse #ptsd

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rigginsstreet · 11 months ago

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misc. tag game

tagged by @blood-mocha-latte

a band you don’t like that many others do:

maneskin... tried a couple songs, wanted to like them.... cant do it

a childhood memory that you remember vividly:

this costume contest i refused to enter because my costume was boring and i knew i was gonna lose by the adults were like "no just join come on itll be fun" and i was like... already consumed by the darkness at that point lmfao and i sat watching everyone crying. fun! lmfao

least favorite animal and why:

i hate a snake. i respect their role in the ecosystem but dont you ever put one near me. dont put one within 5 miles of me. no. i dont trust anything that slithers bitch aint got no legs! i dont like that. and the striking? dont like that either. i have to stop talking about them now im genuinely uncomfortable

hot fandom take:

steve harrington is not a good character. he is badly written. yall only like him cuz you think joe is hot. thats literally it. the man has literally zero positive qualities. apply this to every other loved st character as well theyre all bad the show sucks i hope everyone dies

do you were any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece:

i wear a friendship bracelet and a rope bracelet i got on a cruise (i forgot what theyre called. sailor bracelets or something?) and thats about the extent of my jewelry wearing

a movie others liked but you didn’t:

i don't think i've ever cognitively watched a movie and thought that i loved it or hated it. i'm usually just like Well That Sure Was A Movie. <- im keeping prevs because thats what wildest thing ive ever read in my life i need to study you lmfao as for my answer, insidious movies are bad. youre next is bad. many movies this website loves i havent even seen but i know they are bad thats why i havent watched them.

three things you love about yourself:

my hair is getting real cute lately. i am a huge bitch. i stare at my butt a lot i think its fun

a place you hope to visit in the future and why:

italyyyy i want to trace my roots

an actor that gets on your nerves and why:

idk if theres actors i have beef with for their personality lmao several i dont like because they are overhyped and im sick of seeing them. ariana grande she counts as an actress i cant stand her lmfao the vibes are rancid also stop dating married (taken) men its gross its weird

things you’re excited for in the nearby future?:

for my dog to finally be healed from her surgery cuz god its a lot of working making sure she dont pop her stitches

least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in:

if stancy is endgame im setting fires to buildings i want you all to know this. also fuck a steddie and a ronance but that goes without saying

what’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in?:

stranger things. riverdales a close second but stranger things... you are all genuinely mentally unwell i would like to speak to your therapists and tell them shit aint working

list three things you find beautiful about life:

the ocean my best friend the ocean. animals just be out here looking for pets... brings a tear to my eye. im really struggling for a third life is bad lmfao my best friend? thats it.

any dreams for the future?

i try not to think about the future it gives me panic attacks

how are you really feeling today?

sleepy

tagging (no pressure): @panickedpenguin @avalonlights @ihaveacorgi @imsodishy

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auxiliarydetective · 1 year ago

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Hi hun polite reminder people make OCs for fun and don't necessarily want to stick to canon. Your One Piece poet is useful for people who want to research and adhere to canon fandom lore but don't make it a prerequisite please as if we have to run everything by you for permission. Your tone is dictatorial in the nicest way and it's not on to tag people in your post either as it comes off as a critical rebuke that they're not doing it 'right'

Alright, I'm gonna try to respond to this as best as I can. Since you took time out of your day to write this, it's only fair I do the same.

First and most importantly of all, I'm not trying to police anyone's OCs. You're right, making OCs is about having fun. None of the tips in my post are mandatory. I was just trying to give a guideline for people who might struggle with the world of manga One Piece (which is ultimately what the live action is based off and will turn into in huge parts if it keeps running). I, personally, think immersion is very important for my OCs. It makes me happy when they fit into canon as if they belong there and whenever something about my OC gets contradicted through later installments in canon, I get pretty upset. So, in case anybody also feels like that, I made the post. That's who that post is for. If you're not one of those people, you're free to ignore it. It's not a lecture, nobody is forcing you to listen and apply it. Hell, even lectures aren't mandatory.

You said it yourself. You recognized who the post is for, that means you read it closely. With that in mind, I don’t understand why you think I'm making my points a prerequisite. I never said that and I never said you have to run things by me for permission. I said you can message me if you have questions or need help, not "message me before you post your OC or else it's illegal". It's about people who want their OCs to be canon-accurate not having to navigate 1000+ episodes/chapters worth of One Piece lore if they can ask a single question and get an answer instead. Nothing else.

My tone, I'm guessing where you get the prerequisite part from. I'm sorry, but it's not dictatorial at all. Dictatorial is a term you should be very careful with using. It is pointed, yes, but that's the tone in a lot of Tumblr posts, so I just tried to match that. If I wrote that post like a handbook or something, that would sound like making things mandatory, and it would make it dull to read, and I didn’t want that. If you want, you can give me suggestions to improve my tone and I'll see what I can do.

Now, the last point, you actually completely misunderstood what I was trying to say. Almost all of the people I tagged are people I know who I consider my friends. I know that they have One Piece OCs and we talked about those OCs, with me throwing in my two cents of canon knowledge to try and help make them fit in because I thought they might appreciate it or they asked me to. That's what I'm offering in that post, in a condensed form, the same things I told and offered them, because I felt like other people could maybe use them too. I tagged them to ask them to help spread that post to other people so they can maybe have some security being thrown into the chaotic fandom that is One Piece through an adaptation that offers only a very limited view on it at the current point in time. I wasn't trying to say that they were doing anything wrong at all and I'm pretty sure that they know that because of our previous interactions. The other people are people I tagged who I have only rarely interacted with, admittedly, but who I know to either have ties to people with OPLA OCs because I follow them or who I know to be very friendly and willing to help people. Again, no accusations here. I just wanted to help people and reach a wider audience because my blog is fairly small and unpopular. Finally, I intentionally didn’t tag them in the post itself but in a comment so that it was even easier for them to ignore it. Generally, I'm not very versed in Tumblr tagging etiquette, so if it's really not okay to tag people like that, those people can tell me themselves and I won't do it again.

Which brings me to my main point of this little response letter: You’re on the internet, you have the liberty to ignore things. So, the post wasn't for you. That's fine, you can ignore it. Even if you're one of the people I tagged, you're not obligated to follow my request and reblog the post. You can still ignore it and move on. But instead, you took the time to write your message, so I took the time to respond. If this didn't clear things up, feel free to send another message, I'm willing to talk

#ask #anon #i hope the tone is better in this one/gen #and to anyone reading this #if you ever have a problem with me or something i posted #we can talk things out

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bunnyboy-juice · 1 year ago

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Hey I've been mutuals with you and your butch for a long time, but I'm bigender man + woman, is it okay if I continue following, or would you prefer I softblock? My gender makes seeing "men dni" and "woman dni" blogs really confusing because I never know if its supposed to apply to me, so I figured I would just ask ❤️

this is going to be kind of long answer - this is loaded and i want to give some perspective so I'm putting it under a read more so it doesnt clog up anyone's feed. also recommend reading the tags cause i ended up putting some footnotes in there lmao

so first things first: even tho my butch and i are married i dont speak for her. we hold very similar thoughts and views (bc i would not be with her otherwise) but ultimately I speak for me only. if you want to ask her something, ask her directly please. this isnt @ u anon, this is a general disclaimer bc its actually a very big pet peeve of mine that ppl expect me to talk for her since we are together. we are whole ass individuals and yes we are building a life together but that doesnt mean we have the same brain or the same exact reasoning for things.

as for the "men DNI" part: this, along with all other DNIs of mine, is a boundary that i choose if and when to enforce. my boundaries for followers are all pretty much public somehow. my personal reasoning for using "men dni" in my bio, like many other kinky nsfw dyke blogs on this website, is that i want to discourage as many men as possible from trying to interact with me here in the quickest way possible bc this is my silly little space where i can explore my sexual fantasies and those do not include men and i largely do not feel comfortable with men following me or interacting with these parts of myself (key word here being largely, this will come up later). this is similar to my "[specific kinks] DNI" - these are boundaries that are my responsibility to enforce as i deem fit.

that being said i do check for age/gender/etc in each blog that i notice trying to following me and, in that moment, handle it according to my needs. and sometimes that means that i decide to reject my own boundaries and allow certain ppl into my little space and sometimes enter theirs as well. i take an approach to social media where i tend to watch who interacts with me bc this is my space and, just like I'm not letting anyone into my home, im not just gonna let anyone follow me. i do risk assessments in every part of my life and that includes my online experience.

i also am aware gender is complicated. i mean i am literally an intersex transmasc femme who takes T on and off, uses "masculine" language often, etc. i get its way more complicated than "man/woman" so thats why if you look at my pinned (which has a short list of things ppl will be blocked for separate from my DNIs) you'll see that gender identity does not come up there aside from the pls dni of MLM bc ive had some gay guys interact and i prefer it not happen but also sometimes it happens 🤷🏽

basically the shortest answer is: if u are bigender and not just following me but we've been mutuals for a long time chances are i checked ur blog and felt comfortable with having an online relationship of some kind with you. if you are uncomfortable following me because I have that in my bio i literally do not care if you soft block me or even full block me. take care of yourself how you need to. breaking mutualship literally has no effect on my day to day life unless we have become genuine friends outside of this space - but i am assuming we haven't considering this question is (1) even being asked and (2) being asked on anon

#personal #masculine in quotes bc i loathe that certain things are considered masculine bc “thats how its always been”#but there's no other word i can think of rn #also anon i am not mad at this question in case my tone is hard to read #i feel like ass today so if that comes through in my words i apologize #i literally also have no idea who this is bc i follow a lot of bigender dykes bc again i know gender and sexuality is complicated #i also dont know my mutuals off the top of my head unless we regularly talk so #also relationship here is the literal definition of “the way which two concepts/objects/etc are connected”

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daddy-socrates · 2 years ago

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hey daddy socrates!

as i understand you did MA in philosophy, can i rant a bit in your ask box?

i did my BA in philosophy, now i want to do my MA in philosophy because i love it. but everyone tells me it's useless since this degree is unemployable.

idk, i guess i wanted to ask, what are your thoughts on this? i feel so depressed lately since it feels like i have to pick between a) something i'm interested in, passionate about and love b) something that will land me a well paying job. and it feels like b is more responsible choice but also that it will ultimately make me really miserable.

Okay so, I'm not gonna lie I also thought it was useless in undergrad. I had gone in initially with the aim of an English major and the education certification track (bc my school was quirky and wacky 🤪🤪 a cert for my state rather than a full major) but I found myself so enamored by the mushy-ness of philosophy that I stuck with it. Every time I asked a professor "so what can I do with this degree?" it was ALWAYSSSSSS "you can do ✨️anything✨️ :)" and I'm like, Gary that's not an answer (^':

Right so a lot of people take a philosophy degree (or two) and then go into law school or become a professor. I wanted to take some time to explore other options before committing to a second degree in philosophy and honestly I got about halfway through a school year away from it before I went crazy and applied for some classes at a nearby university. Backstory backstory backstory, etc. If you really want you can find the rest of that in my talking tag (#blah blah blah) if you want all the ramblings and complaints and the victories.

Getting back to your point though, when Gary said "you can do anything," he meant that the skills taught in philosophy - like critical thinking, deep reading, reasoning, recognizing fallacies, awareness of social and political history surrounding the "whys" behind the "whats" of individual beliefs and broader systems/structures - is almost universally adaptable. My mom said through my junior and senior years that those skills are always in wicked high demand, so philosophers are going to be good at whatever we decide to apply ourselves to.

But that's not fun. We know REAL fun! Sitting in a library basement drawing the ghosts out of dead texts and "Um, Actually"-ing them with our 21st century, likely more diverse perspectives :)

Have the others in your life picked out careers for you? Because I have a little list of things I came up with that are not rooted in academia but can use the skills and might help cast a wider net while still related!

Joining an activist organization, or a union organizing group

Political analysis

Editor (maybe for a philosophy journal?!)

Local office ethics board

Human resources is a related option to the above and seems to be in constant demand

It's a short list and definitely a work in progress, but they're just a few little ideas. Use your network!! Use them! Professors, classmates, alumni, friends, family of friends, etc! They may have insight into places you can't even conceive of yourself at this moment!

I did almost go for a job in HR with an environmental technology company but somehow got a job in costuming. Fuckin bananas, the chance of that. But it's wonderful, because it's a job I can leave at work, and once a week last semester I would leave a little early to do just one class. Working full time and being a super-small-part-time student has been uhhhh tricky but it's more or less worked for me to dedicate a few hours each weekend to doing the assignments etc. JUST a few. Sleep and video games and going outside are also necessary.

... But also, if you really want to commit to philosophical research or teaching philosophy (as I am now planning to do), then I say go for it. My current job is definitely not my forever-home, but ALSOOOOOO the idea of a "forever career" feels silly to me. If you are able to let yourself float a little bit from time to time, recognize that you can switch it up if you need to. My partner is currently in a floating spot right now and he's miserable about it, but there is something comforting about knowing that the training he is currently doing in the meantime while between jobs does not have to be the only office he will ever have to sit in.

If you choose to go ahead in philosophy, hell yeah!! Big fan, absolutely love that. If you decide to take a break like I did, try something else, even just for a little while, that's also great! It could be used as a sort of "See? I DID do other things" at your nay-sayers too >:)

WHEW lots to say, too much space allowed to say it. I hope some of that can help a little. Absolutely come back to rant more if you want!

#replies #i answered the other ask the other day bc your ask reminded me it was in there lol. i just wanted to spend the time to write out a response #fr rant anytime #i will do my best to give a Thoughtful response in a timely(ish) manner #you got this anon!

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schizononagesimus · 9 days ago

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You know what I'm gonna add to this here instead of in the tags. I'm homeless. It's not my first time; I missed most of 4th grade because my mom is disabled and had just escaped an abusive boyfriend. We were mostly squatting then, because one of our friends owned some real estate and would leave the apartments unlocked for us when they were unoccupied.

I was kind of born into this. Seriously, I see why people think we're a "breed". Most homelessness is chronic, and a lot of people can't fathom why. But here's one scenario that might help explain that:

Your family is poor. Your family isn't exactly mentally well, either, so you mostly don't speak to each other; you have to make your own family and support networks.

You manage to go to a prestigious university on a scholarship once, and then manage to get student loans to get your Master's degree in a city far away from home. You work all throughout school, supporting yourself completely on your own.

You do groundbreaking research that becomes internationally renowned, earning you keynote talks, grants, journal publications.

Naturally, you apply for PhDs. And you get in! Without funding. And it's $40,000 a year without living costs. You can't take anymore student loans out- you've already hit the borrowing limit. Your family can't help you. During all of this, your job experiences a budget freeze, and has to slash their office staff by half. Suddenly, you have no job, no family to help with living expenses, and nothing lined up for... God, rent is due in 30 days.

You apply to jobs, but thirty days is never enough time to find anything, so you set up a GFM. It gets close to the goal, but is $300 off, so you take out an extra credit card to pay the last of your rent for that month.

You can't afford that rent again, it's just too difficult to swing in your situation, so you decide to move back to the city your undergrad was in, since you have friends there who you could stay with and more job opportunities. You reduce everything you own to two suitcases and get the cheapest flight out.

You sleep on your friend's sofa bed for a couple of weeks before a shitty retail job comes through for you. It doesn't matter what the job is, or that the money isn't enough, it's a job to at least keep you afloat for a little while while you look for other employment.

The problem? You have to save up money for an apartment. Housing is already scarce unless you know someone. Subletting a room is really your only option to have a place of your own, since you can't get a cosigner with good credit to back you up since your own credit tanked because you can't pay off the credit card debt you got into to prevent yourself from being suddenly homeless. You also don't have 3x the monthly rent in income, or a crazy savings account, or the money for a deposit. So you still have to sleep on your friend's sofa bed, even though you have a job.

You try to look for another job, but you're working so many hours that it's difficult to find the time. You work on your feet, so when you get home you just crash. The management at your job isn't good. In fact, it's so bad that someone in upper management regularly "takes advantage" of you being a minority. Disgusted, you tell your direct supervisor. The day after, you're fired.

Out of a job (and now in the middle of a pro bono lawsuit), your friends let you sleep on their sofa bed for a little while longer. You had spent most of your paychecks paying off debt so you could get an apartment, so you don't have much savings.

But eventually, your friends just need the space, plain and simple; they have other friends and family to take care of. You have to find somewhere else, and so you sleep on other friends' couches, and stay in hotels people put you up in, and stay with your partner when their roommate is gone, and try to set up a petsitting gig that might get you through one more month. Your friends introduce you to other people who might be able to help, too.

You try to apply to jobs. It's really hard to find the time to apply between changing houses and worrying about money, not to mention that you have to cross your fingers and hope they don't want an in person interview because you don't have the clothes for it. You're lucky you can use your alumni status for a private space to take an interview in at the library.

You want to apply to PhDs again, because if you get funding then that's it--this hell can end. But applying to PhDs was the hardest thing you ever did academically and by itself took every ounce of your time and energy--jobless and houseless, you simply don't have that right now. Hell, the only reason you're eating is because a friend made you leftovers. How are you supposed to apply to PhDs like this?

This is what happened to me.

I still have other unhoused people come up to me on the street and ask for money, and I have to tell them man, me too. And sometimes we get to talking about how the hell we ended up here. In my experience, it's mostly people like me- not a lot of family, a minority, an education of some kind, and one bad day.

Having degrees doesn't guarantee a job, and having a job doesn't guarantee housing. A lot of the reason people stay homeless is because you don't have the resources to get a job (interview clothes, a good internet connection, a place to take a call), the job market is a nightmare, they then need to save up for a house, the housing market is a nightmare, and then there's the problem of being hungry and needing healthcare (and in most states, you can't get government support on that without an address). Not to mention the issue with women's shelters generally being full up, and if they're not, you can only have a small locker of items with you... So say goodbye to most of your clothes and other items and have fun trying to buy those back if/when you get back on your feet. So basically, you're homeless because you don't have a job, and you don't have a job because you're homeless, and the cycle repeats. This is why homelessness is chronic.

This is why shit like tent cities happen, and that's not an option for me because my city has the cops sweep them out nightly. That's somebody's home (and God that tent cost a lot of money). Mostly my friends are just trying to keep me out of the shelter so I don't have to rebuild my entire life again, more so than I already have to.

I will say, I feel lucky that I've gotten the donations and other help I've gotten. The problem with being any minority is that your support system is most likely going to be people who are just at risk as you are. I'm also lucky I'm able to have healthcare, because straight up if I didn't I'd be dead without my medication.

This is just one example, and it's very different than what happened to my mom because of her disability--but that's her story to tell.

PS- in the US, there are four definitions of homeless, so please, if you hear "I'm couchsurfing" or "sleeping in my car," please hear HOMELESS. A lot of people are too ashamed to say it or just don't know that that's what they are because they have clean clothes and technically don't sleep outside.

#gonna put this in my jokey little couchsurfing tag just in case people are curious as to what happened to me lol #the homeless diaries #my kofi is in my bio and my comms are open for anyone reading this :)#lessons of the hand and the mouth

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