#i'm not completely caught up tho so i'm keeping my thoughts to myself since there will def be more on this topic

[wishingeel]

Finally FINALLY getting caught up on The Dragon Prince (stopped after season 3 for no reason, actually had been anticipating s4 SO much and just didn't get around to it when it finally aired) and I'm currently partway through s5 and THE PARALLELS.

[dicenete]

I repainted his face more times than probably necessary but something always caught my eye and still does, but it is done. is done. It's fine. xD IkePri Tagteam:

@scummy-writes @goustmilk @solacedeer @m-mmiy @mxrmaid-poet

@pawnkyyy @ludivineikewolf @violettduchess @floydsteeth @wistfulwanderingone

@sh0jun @lorei-writes

A little bit of rambling of him below the break, spoilers (Keith's route, and little bit of Nokto's route) and such :0 so you have been warned.

TL;DR: I enjoyed the route despite its questionable elements. MC is too forgiving at times, but other than that, romanctic route was cute. Licht, the third wheel, was funny but sad.

Okay first about Keith's visual design: I really love how his design is the most asymmetrical from the suitors. Like the jacket and the vest he has. The jacket is very interestingly layered, almost like you aren't sure which part is the main thing and what is the accent. The green or the gold? The host or the alter? : D Same with his vest. His duality is battling in his clothing too hahaha

Keith's route was interesting. I had heard lots of differing opinions about it and I had my own reservations.

One mainly about the portrayal of DID and how the route does it. First things first: I'm not an expert at all. I won't even humor the idea that I had any say in anything regarding it. But overall, it could have been worse? Of course it might be very extreme in the way Alter Keith is hostile towards Host Keith. And of course you shouldn't take this as the only way the alter systems work. But as I said: I'm not an expert.

I had heard that the dramatic route follows Alter Keith and romantic route host Keith. I picked the romantic one. I had my personal reasons for that tho. But aside from that, it was nice to be with Keith that who struggled with self-worth. It was nice to see him grow as a character and find that strength to stand up for himself. (The fact that the host Keith seems to think that he is inferior to Alter Keith and that people would prefer the alter over him. The amount of stress that will bring. )

Keith's uncle was your very generic villain/antagonist without any real depth. He was a spoiled noble and so on. But since this was more about Keith inner journey I thought it was fine that it was like that.

The drugging scene… Well. That's a… a topic. Hmm… Host Keith himself felt very guilty about it and was full of remorse. Not that it was his choice to do it. Alter Keith well… He might justify it because he was gathering information about a rumor that might endanger his home country and people if it were true. I kinda can see where he is coming from, but also...IT CERTAINLY WAS DESTROYING OF TRUST. Like that time when Nokto "accidently" gets MC drunk. but hey ho. Since there is limited time frame for the chapters, I do understand they can't really jam all the things there, but I wanted Belle be more angry with him with Alter Keith for longer.

Maybe that's what bugs me sometimes. That Belle/Emma/MC is sometimes too forgiving and too much of a doormat. It works in routes like Yves and Licht (from the routes I have played, Leon seems like the most respectable gentleman too), because they are not being insulting towards her. I would even think that she works with Clavis, tho I would love to see him with someone who shares his chaotic gremlin energy. But with characters like Chev, Silvio or Alter Keith the their "power" doesn't feel balanced. MC seems to be completely on their mercy even if they stand up to them in some way. (Gilbert is another can of nasty things.)(With Chev's route, well, that is also a rambling for another time. But I haven't finished his route yet. so I will keep my ramblings to myself for now.)

Is Keith's route more about acceptance then? Accepting the good and the bad of a person? Possibly. I would think that is a good way to put it. Both Keiths have good and bad sides. And it seems that they are working on them.

[chuwuyas]

about c&r

Hello my dear saioumers, it is I, jul chuwuyas. I wanted to stop by to talk a little bit about c&r since people ask me about it a lot

Unfortunately, to talk about it, I will have to dive into some personal stuff and share some things with you all that I've been keeping to myself for quite some time now and didn't really want to share, but felt like I needed to. So, since some stuff will be kinda, uh... serious? I will put everything under the cut

(TL;DR for those who don't wanna read about my personal life tho: c&r is NOT abandoned, but writer's block is not the only reason why I haven't updated the fic yet (tho it is one of them). I don't know when the hiatus will end. I'm sorry)

(CW for the things under the cut: mental illness, pet death, suicide ideation)

So, to start: yes, writer's block is one of the reasons why c&r is on hiatus. No, I have not been lying about it. I burned out so badly in 2021 that it's Still hard for me to write things that satisfy me because I reached my peak back then and was popping out 5, 6 fics in a month for 7/8 whole months when my usual is/was about 2 or 3 a year (if you check my ao3 page and the dates in which my fics were posted, you'll see that aside from the danganronpa fics, that usually was the case. I'm a slow writer). I'm still recovering. And the universe seems to not want me to.

Last year, around January, I felt like I was finally setting myself free from writer's block. I started writing something for my oc ship (yes, yes, I know. Not c&r. But what can I say? They bring me comfort) and I was so happy with what I got, so inspired to write, I was actually seeing the words on the doc again.

Then, one of my three cats got sick. Then, he died.

It completely broke me in a way I don't think I will ever recover. I was extremely attached to him and I drained all the money I had saved for therapy to try to save him, but it didn't work and I lost my cat, the money, and consequently my mental health. We spent almost an entire month taking him to the vet and bringing him back home because the vet kept telling us he was okay and then he'd get even worse and need hospitalization again, so that was more money spent on him. I had my friends help me with that, and I am immensely grateful even though it didn't work out in the end. Thank you for helping me bring him some comfort on his last days @ friendos.

After he died, a couple of months later, I tried writing again and managed to write a few thousand words, but my mental health still wasn't the best. Then, I started getting some personal problems that I will not talk about here but took a toll on me and shoved me back into the writer's block box, but now with the addition of increasingly growing self-doubt and depressive thoughts that soon turned suicidal.

Then, around September, another cat of mine got sick. And, this time, we didn't have money to help him.

He was my best friend. We basically grew up together (he was 13 and was born when I was 11, so I had him longer than I didn't have him) and I was also extremely attached to him. When he got sick, I would sit down on the floor and talk to him in tears asking him to hold on just until I got a job so I could pay for his bills. I didn't get a job fast enough to help him. It was me who found him, too.

From August to November, things were so bad in my life (between my personal life, my pets' deaths, and family members getting sick) I genuinely caught myself considering ending my suffering. Planning it. Thinking about it every day. Not wanting to wake up. It was a rough period of my life that I made it through alone because I didn't really tell anyone what was going on with me. I wished I could go back to the past. I wished I could change things to make the future not so bad. I'm still caught up in the past and nostalgic for a time that will not come back no matter how much I wish it would. But I pushed it through.

And one of the things that kept me from ending it all was the fact I haven't finished c&r yet.

I didn't wanna go without concluding the story. I didn't wanna go without showing you all what I have planned for the last chapter and how this story will end. So, I started using c&r as some sort of anchor — something to keep me going because I still have something to do on this earth before leaving. I love this story and I don't wanna leave it unfinished. I wanna see your reactions reading the last chapter, the freaking out, the key smashes, the DMs I'll receive, the theories, the fanarts. I love how big this story got and the little fandom it got for itself. People love something that I wrote so much they make art of it! They cosplay the characters, they write things based on it! It's so mindblowing that something like this would ever happen to me, I started telling myself: I can't die until I finish catch & release.

My mental health is way better now and I'm no longer considering suicide (though, ough, it sucks not having a lot of money). I have a job now and can pay for the vet in case my last cat gets sick. My personal life is good now, too, and my relative who's sick is doing a lot better. I have things to look forward to. Things are good now. I'm happy, though I still miss my cats every day.

I am, however, still using c&r as one of my anchors, and I don't know when I will stop doing so. So, for now, the fic is still on hiatus. But it isn't abandoned, and it will never be. I will finish it one day. So, until then, keep bearing with me.

Thank you for reading, and most of all thank you for understanding. I love you all.

[altraviolet]

Just caught up with The Echo Garden… holy shit.

I have so much respect for you rn. You’ve been updating this since 2020?? That’s incredible. It’s fics like yours that make me wanna write (even tho I’ve never finished a project ever but shhh). You’re an inspiration, I wanna create stories like yours. I don’t think I’ll be able to come close but am not about to lose hope. I cannot wait to see where The Echo Garden goes. Keep doing what you’re doing 💜

Thank you so much for the very kind ask! 💜 I started drafting Echo Garden in 2019 and posted the first chapter in 2020, yeah. Covid hit my professional and personal life hard, so writing and development went/are going a lot more slowly than I thought they would. Today I realized I've spent hundreds of hours on The Echo Garden and I felt mixed feelings about that, but messages like this make me feel better about it ;A;

I'm honored to be an inspiration and yes, don't lose hope!

Here's a story that might encourage you (or might not... let's find out):

In 2016 or 2017 I told a friend of mine I was thinking of writing TF fic, but I was really intimidated by the age of the fandom and the extent of the franchise. There were so many characters! And people seemed really, ah, protective of their built up headcanons. Fandom seemed to have these collective interpretations and understandings of characters that I was vastly unfamiliar with.

My friend recommended that I read a particular story, which was quite popular, to get an idea of what TF fic was like.

I read the fic (okay mostly, I did skip a little bit because it is a very dark and heavy fic). One of the chapters is, legit, I kid you not, the best thing I've ever read. Of anything. It's not my favorite thing I've ever read. It is the BEST thing I've ever read.

I put my head down on my desk and didn't write for a year.

(I literally put my head down on my desk. And I literally didn't write for a year.)

I knew I could never be that good. Why try?

But after a year, I had an idea. And, dammit, it wasn't an intricate, political longfic saga, but it was my idea and I wanted to write it. And I did. And a few people liked it. I wrote some more. Wrote a really long fic about my favorite pairing. A few more people liked that.

I'd had the idea for MTMTE Rodimus/TFP Soundwave forever, but didn't have a canon explanation for how they'd get together until Lost Light ended (thanks, JRO!). And I knew that what I wanted to do with it would take a lot of skill and thought and hard work to pull off. I didn't know if I was skilled enough to do it. After I finished the first rarepair longfic, I thought, "Well, I completed 150k and I have a canon-based explanation for how they meet. I'm as ready as I'll ever be." I was sooooooo nervous when I posted the first chapter.

To my utter shock, a whole lot of people have been reading Echo Garden :u

Which is very exciting!

But. I do wish I hadn't spent a year not writing because I thought I wasn't good enough, and I compared myself to that other author and that other fic. What I've written is different. I dunno if it's better, but why compare?

Anyway, don't give up!! Don't lose time to worrying about being good or not. Also, this is advice I've seen pro writers give: finish a project. Do your best. A little project :) See it through to the end. You can do it!

Thanks again for the kind ask =)

[waltwhitmansbeard]

hiiiii, i'm fairly new to CR (it saved my life during the pandemic!!1) and i'm pretty much caught up with everything but my love for vaxleth is off the charts and it's both a blessing and a curse: i love everything about them but there's fewer fics about them than i thought they ought to have. i have gone through ao3 these past few months and read a lot and also saved some for later (including yours!! i want to save it for a cozy day where i need a pick me up). having said all of that i was wondering if you have any recs (preferably of the longer type but ok if not) not just in ao3 but anywhere else as well? and preferably happy endings and some smooching n stuff bc wooooooof. these two got so much angst (i do also love it tho). any smut rec is welcome as well!! AND!!! ALSO!! do you think there's any chance this last ep can reignite the flame so to speak so we can all get more and more fics bc honestly?? i'm obssessed and they deserve it. epic love needs eternal retelling.

well hello! first i wanna say welcome to the fandom, we're all pretty nice but completely feral so watch where you put your hands bc we like to gnaw on things. (i say this like i am not also very new to the fandom; i just looked it up earlier today and my 1-year anniversary is at the end of may.)

when it comes to fic recs, i actually have to admit that i don't read a ton of fics myself (i don't have time, lol). i'll start by saying reading @romeoandjulietyouwish's au posts and drabbles is what got me back into writing fanfiction for the first time since i was a teenager, so i definitely recommend checking her stuff out. @blorbologist is, in my humble opinion, the foremost perc'ahlia expert of the fandom, if that ship also floats your boat. i have started reading her extremely famous one for joy but as i said, i really do not have a lot of time to read these days so i am extremely behind. my friend @ravendruid has recently started dipping her toes into the fic-writing realm, and i've been really loving watching her style develop as she goes, and my irl best friend and platonic life partner @runforyourshield is writing a vaxleth summer camp au called camp cloudtop you should check out! other recs you can find on my blog under the tag #fic rec. also just generally we tend to rb each other a lot so just stalk all of those blogs and you'll find some good stuff.

on ao3, i actually just today read a little three-part vaxleth happy ending style fic called with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair that i really enjoyed, and i've started reading this incredible fic called Heaven Couldn't Shake that AGAIN i started reading and then stopped having time for (!!!!!!!!!!!! i am busy!!!!!!! i am sorry!!!!!) but it is really good and i highly recommend the one chapter that i have read lol.

as for smut, to be perfectly honest, there is a dearth of smut in the vaxleth fandom, and like, i get it, it is extremely common to headcanon keyleth as ace or demisexual, and i don't have a problem with that headcanon at all. but me personally, while i also hc her as demi, i absolutely believe she and vax have fucking incredible sex and i wish i could read more of it (*eyebrow waggle* keep your eyes on the mfl space for future one-shots, jussayin). my recommendation there is to go the keyleth/vax tag on ao3 and filter by E, tbh. (also, don't sleep on vaxlethmore, bc those fics are *chef's kiss*)

(also this isn't vaxleth and idk if you've seen c2 or not but truly one of the hottest fucking fics i have read in my life—and friendo i have read a lot—is this shadowgast fic that truly gave me a nicotine addiction, bc wow)

will c3e51 reignite the fandom's fire for vaxleth? i mean, i can hope so, tho tbh, i'm keeping my hopes low. i know that, generally speaking, more people care for perc'ahlia than vaxleth (which was truly the wildest thing for me to find out when i started interacting w the fandom at large, i assumed everyone would be as fucking feral for vaxleth as i was), so i don't imagine there's gonna be a ton of new people writing them, but hey, maybe the episode will spur some people who haven't watched c1 to go watch, and they'll be the new generation of vaxleth shippers (again, me talking like i'm not the new generation of vaxleth shippers).

i hope i answered all of your questions, and thanks for being part of this community! i hope you find what you're looking for.

[sopebubbles]

HI BUBBLES!!

ik it may sound weird but i missed u sm! i missed lone wolf too!!😭😭😭

i hope u've been doing well in life!💜💜💜

I finally managed to have some more time since wrk chilled a bit & i've caught up untill ch 6 this morning & OMFG U ABSOLUTE BRILLIANT LOVELY & SUPER TALENTED WRITER!!! U KEEP ON EXCEEDING ANYTHING EXPECTATION I MAY HAVE & KEEP ON DELIVERING INCREDIBILE WRK OF LITERATURE!!!

i'm literally vibrating w/ excitement over all the things i just read & all the stuff i have to appreciate out loud now!! but i better calm my ass down,i don't wanna sound crazy or not make any sense....

also,if i'm being too much or overly excited or if i'm makin' u uncomfortable w/ asks like this,just lmk so i can tone it down & properly apologise in case😅🙏

(i've prepared a list in a rush to TRY to make a bit more sense but ... i'm not sure i'm gonna so srry if it seems like my thoughts are all over the place😣 the adhd rush isn't helping as well💀😅)

So,i kinda spoilered myself abt jin's moment of "assholery" by reading other asks/anons so i was expecting to read abt it sooner or later & .. i dunno,maybe bc i was expecting it or smth i'm not as mad at him as i thought i would be? lemme explain myself better: i fully agree that his hostility & antagonising of y/n is completely unfair,uncalled 4 & puts him in the wrong 100%. but i also feel like it makes totally sense to have this reaction from him in order 4 the story to progress in this way. what i mean is that it's obvious that both him & hobi come from a place of privilege,from a life that isn't as close to the direct effects of bigotry(etc) as y/n's is. ofc bc they both are lykos & adults & informed(tnx also to hearing abt the effects of bigotry & discrimination from their mates that deal w/ it at wrk) BUT their lives were never fundamentally shaped around the harsh reality of everything that being a lyko entails in this wrld as much as it has happened w/ y/n. & bc of this, they still are at a stage where they can't fully understand y/n nor grasp what pulls the strings behind her thinking,her behaviour,her reactions. & i think that's just to be expected, it's natural that a privileged person is not gonna be able to wrap their head around most things that come w/ interacting w/ somebody who's not priliged like them & has seen & lived the worst the status quo can put somebody of that marginalised group through. This puts them in a very important position where if they will come around makin y/n a part of their lives,they will have to do a lot of wrk of learning new & diff realities that exist outside of their own,on a deeper lv of just being aware of it from a distance gifted to you by your privilege. & in that process of learning, they can become the most powerful allies to y/n in her own process of unlearning internalised hatred & discrimination instead, & introduce her better to their way of seeing likos & omegas in their reality that isn't centered around saps but their families & pack's life. said that,does that justify jin's hostility toward y/n,does it make it ok? N to the hell O,no absolutely. it makes sense from a realistic pov & it sets ground 4 opportunities to come to terms w/ his biases & starts to unlearn them in the future,as the story progresses ofc, but it won't save him from catchin' these hands 4 sure!!😃🤜

i may also think that it would be a tiny lill' bit satisfying in the future to see him( when he's already done the inner wrk of unlearning & reconciliated w/ y/n) look back at this 1st moments & see them under a totally diff & new light & feel remorse/guilt a lil bit...just a lil bit😊🤏 (if that happens in the story i mean. i don't know yet & this is just the magic that's part of the reader experience! don't feel pressured of anything,these are all just my rambles & speculations ofc ^^)

-even tho we still have to get a proper taste of him(which is super fine,things are going w/ the pace u write them to!^^), i abso love how u'r writing tae so far! esp how u pictured his artistic & more sensisitive side & how u showed it as smth that is valued & respect by all pack members! it is refreshing both in the sense of seeing it represented by an alpha character & also by a male character. it really left a deep impression in me & made me fall deeper in love w/ your writing!😄💜

-Another refreshing choice of yours that i really have an emotional attachment to at this point is making hobi a power-boss-i wear the pants in the house-omega! not only that,but he's also an omega that by choice & in completely autonomy taps into his own softness & domestic role,while not being seen as less or weaker bc of that,quite the opposite,he's seen as basically the leader,the person that everybody relies on 4 decision-makin' & management of their home,pack & dynamics! a role that most of times i've seen assigned to namjoon or jin as solely alphas tho,so it's nice to see u break out of that mold

-I also i'm a huge fan of how u represent y/n's internalised bigotry, through a voice & constant internal fighting between aspects of herself that she sees either as diff versions of herself or parts she refuses to acknowldge or see as herself anymore.

-this story feels to me like a story that will eventually become the narration of a journey of unlearning, of healing & finding self-worth within & so much more... w/ huge amounts of angst along the way... i dunno if this is what u have in mind ofc,but whatever direction this story will head into,ik 4 sure i won't be disapointed & i'm gonna love both the ride & the destination regardless cause your writing is THAT MUCH GOOD!!

...ik i wrote way too much & probab i was too much,but i hope it doesn't weird u out!!

i hope u feel proud of your wrk & know how much it is appreciated & loved!!

(srry 4 all the grammar monstrosities in here🤡)

Duuuuuude i thought you died or something and i missed you too. Like so much. I love your asks. They're never too much. I love how you pick up literally all the things i put down in my writing. Like you mention things I've been hoping someone would mention. I should let you know in case you didnt see that chapter 7 was posted a few days ago. And that's where a lot of the jin anger came from 👀 but its good bc im ready to jump into this ask, and im gonna go completely out of order.

First of all, I'm so glad you brought up her internal dialog and how they are actually different parts of herself. The italicized voice is her instinctual, most internal self. Like her real consciousness, and i hear it as very soft. It's almost a child's voice, and its almost always pleading in the most heartbreaking way just to have its needs met. The saddest part is that so often she doesn't hear it as herself. The bold italic voice is actually a combination of many voices, thats why its bold. Sometimes its just one pretty agressive voice, as someone from her past who has wormed its way into her head and multiplied there. Sometimes i hear it as many layered voices, like some kind of legion of demons trying to shut down her little voice. And its sad bc one of those voices is just the part of her that has developed to protect herself. Like it tells her not to do things that she needs but knows will get her in trouble, like nesting. The worst part is that more often than not she sides with/backs up the bold voice with her own deliberate thoughts. She still refuses to give her inner child what it needs and its so heartbreaking. The development of these voices throughout the story is one thing im really looking forward to developing (sorry i have thought so much about this)

You got it right with your analysis of their privilege! There's a little bit of a divide within the pack when it comes to privilege and how much it touches each of them. Its a reason jimin and yoongi have a special relationship with each other, not that it's better than the others, just different bc they understand things the others never will truly get. But they will try. Jin and yn will eventually have a relationship of trying to understand each other and jin will definitely regret those early days. We're a bit far from that for now 😬

Im glad you like tae too! He's kind of got a sad story that we're not ready to focus on yet, but seeing mc bring out a confident side in him will be worth the wait 🥰

Hobi is so powerful and strong and in charge, everyone else is lucky to be in his presence. Honestly he coddles Jin a little too much sometimes and thats part of how he got as bad as he is but wait you have to read chapter 7 and 8 🤐

Thats exactly what this story is about! Its bts so i feel like they're perfect for a Love Yourself journey! They're a good pack for her because they wont let all the troubles of this world leak into their home. They'll protect her from the systemic violence that has really destroyed her from the outside in. Its going to be a tough but i think very rewarding journey!

Ps. I think i answered this whole ask without bringing up alpha yoongi (which is the longest ive gone without talking about Yoongi in weeks) so thats good i guess my brains not totally rotten. (Yoongi Yoongi Yoongi Yoongi okay bye)

[mistergoddess]

absolutely petrified to take 1 day off work even though i am experiencing burnout to the degree it's become physically taxing... extreme clumsiness and brain fog and so completely drained and fatigued and nauseous and headachey so like at this point i am physically ill from it. and mentally i fear for myself if i keep going like this. because work has been so fucking awful lately and it's starting to show up very much in my mental wellbeing. and ive called out maybe once every TWO months ive worked here, so that means in 8 months ive taken like 4 sick days, but ive caught major shit for it every time (despite the fact that there are other people who call out like every other day) and i don't trust myself to not just go "ok then i quit good luck covering the next 3 weeks of closing shifts i was scheduled on" if they try to say shit over me taking one day off.

also i wasn't even scheduled to fucking work on tuesday and they changed it on like... sunday... with no notice, did not ask if i was available, just changed it, right before the week started... which is such a dick move. the other day one of my coworkers was checking out the new layout and was like "this is on purpose to make people miserable so they quit and they can get new people in" and i was like you're so fucking real for that because ever since the change i've been just miserable coming in because it's so awful and poorly thought out by these idiot managers who don't actually work there and just moved shit around willy nilly and made it so inefficient and frustrating and brutal and idfk like non-ergonomic to work like this...

so that, and then this week the incidents of 1) random new lady just wandering up to me and starting to follow me around... only for a while into it for her to go "oh yeah i'm here for training" and it was just like oh that's cool i would have really loved to be mentally prepared for that in any way at all and not just have someone kinda walk up and start staring at me like wtf am i supposed to do with that like just??? assume i'm supposed to train her? tf?? and it was LATE in the shift too like i was in clutch closing duties time like. absolutely mind boggling and infuriating. that a manager couldn't even come over and be like oh hey by the way this is so and so can you just show her shit for a while and have her help you close... like NOTHINGGG she just came up and didn't say anything and started just following me and looking at me. and then the second incident 2) changing my off days randomly at the LAST minute before the week starts... just fucking DISRESPECTFUL. those two disrespectful ass things happening on top of the first week of the new layout which is making working my station incredibly brutal and difficult has made it such a miserable time when up until now i've LIKED this job and now i feel like im going to flip the fuck out and have a panic attack at work and quit on the spot and make a big scene about it any day now.

so. ugh. i'm really doing rough and experiencing very clear burnout and i need to quit but i don't have the energy to job hunt while working here but i definitely can't quit first with no other plan and just be unemployed on the job hunt because that's risky boots so like... idfk what to do. gonna try to stick it out a lil bit but i need to be trying to look for smth else :( i need something that pays more and well. i can't really hope for better management in this city lol i get the sense that kind of everywhere you go bosses are going to be psycho. also like everyone i know is always jobhunting even tho theyre looking for the same shit i do and that worries and weirds me out but i also think theyre just being really selective and not taking the kind of garbage i would... but anyway if i could get something that pays a lil more and has a more consistent schedule/better hours then well :/ that'd be nice at least...

but i'm super scared it's fucking scary i do not have that dog in me to hustle in this city lol i just took the first really crap big chain hospitality job that was easy to get, but up until this week at least ive liked it :( and the commute is easy and i get so much free food which is pretty much the only way i can afford to work here... and i like the people i work with a lot :'( and the shift leads are fine, it's just management that's fucking awful and SO stupid and neurotic and unfair. and our customers kinda suck dick bc they're hella stupid rude stressed out asshole big groups big families tourists and i'd love to be somewhere where the clientele is a little less of a shitty demographic.. and the being in weird half closeted limbo at work is rough lol. and also closing my specific station is fucking grueling and exhausting as hell so it's not particularly easy work...

like :( all signs point to i gotta get the hell outta here pretty soon but im soooo scared <3 i do not want to job hunt <3 especially with burnout <3 i am in a bad position <3 bc if i quit rn i'm gonna need time to recover from burnout and historically that's taken me a little while and we ARE NOT IN MY HOME TOWN ANYMORE TOTO I CANNOT JUST CHILL FOR A BIT IN BETWEEN JOBS I DO NOT HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM HERE *AT ALL* OR EVEN FRIENDS AND IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE TO JUST LIVE OFF MY SAVINGS FOR A FEW MONTHS... so that'd be really stressful and bad to have no time to recover from burnout and have to try to find something new right away... but also if i just idk stay... i'm just gonna go nuts from the burnout getting too bad and quit anyway like i'm not gonna recover if i just stay. so i'll be in the same if not a worse position... so idk what to do... lmaooo........

but oughh ok yeah i'm so scared and hesitant to call out which is such a clear sign it's such a toxic workplace :/ but also i don't wanna lose tips that day :/ but i'm gonna have to suck it up it'd be all of like $20 less so whatever i have paid sick hours so i need to get over the slight paycheck loss of tips for ONE day real quick bc i need that day so much more than i need the $20 (i do need the $20 too) so really the only fear is gEtTiNg iN tRoUbLe... i'm just gonna tell them i'm going to kms if they don't let me have a mental health day idk no matter what i have to stick to my guns and not grit my teeth and force myself to go in i need to just call in sick because fuuuuck

[knwbetter]

day 6 of no speaking to each other: i still missed him very much today. frequently thought about him throughout the day but there were times too where i hated on him in my mind. basically i did think of him and miss him but i hated him at the same time. still had no idea that he was capable of making me like him but leave in the end. he had me so wrapped around his finger that i believed he wouldn't leave me and this thing we had might go somewhere but i was too naive. i remember him asking if i might be willing to move away from here and he was glad that i would be. he even asked me what i wanted to be in life and since he knew i took psychology in school, he said i could move to where he was and be a therapist there. of course i took what he said lightly bc i know this isn't some serious talk but i did start to think about it if it really did come to a point that we became serious. i shouldn't have fell for it tho bc in the end i barely knew the guy. idk how he's like irl, i just know the dude through the screen. in reality, he might be a totally different guy in person. if he is tho, i have to say he's pretty consistent in his online persona and his stories do track back with each other. i'm paranoid and hyperaware of things like those. i can sniff out liars but ultimately a liar is different from a manipulator. those i can't sniff out, heck i fell for it.

i keep trying to convince myself that i shouldn't be so caught up on someone who doesn't even want me. it's such a massive disrespect to myself honestly. i shouldn't have to beg for someone's love and i most certainly can't force someone to like me, that's the last thing i want to do. i'm not gonna sit here and beg him to take me back. that would boost his ego like crazy, knowing he has someone that goes this crazy for him. and i wouldn't want to be the one to stroke his ego like that. he doesn't deserve it and if that is the case then he thinks too highly of himself and has a lot of growing up to do. it's certainly giving little boy behavior, i wonder if he'll ever have the sense to man up.

i felt such deep sadness when i thought of him today from time to time. still in disbelief that he did everything to make me like him but deceived me in the end, acting like i was nothing to him when he told me that i'm not nobody to him and that i'm something to him. well i'm something alright, but nothing more. even as i listen to rap, it reminds me of him bc he said old rap is his favorite. stupid me had to listen to his playlist before which full of rap and it was pretty good too. i miss feeling that good but then again i guess i didn't really know him. that shit hurts my ego too bc i take pride on being good at characterizing people. this experience humbled me bc i completely misjudged him. every little thing has to remind me of him, like when the other day i was looking at jack daniels bottles and found out where it came from. like really, universe? every thing i do has to be connected to him. i guess it shouldn't surprise me bc we did have a lot in common. otherwise i wouldn't have bothered to continue talking to him.

i finally got to drink today and i took it neat. i feel tipsy actually. i think i'll sleep well tonight. i do like the feeling of drinking tho, makes me forget him for sure. i love the fuzzy feeling of it in my head too, like i don't have room to think about anything. we would've been so cute together but he had to ruin it. i'm actually starting my new job soon and i gained crazy courage to even force myself to find a job bc i had this thought in my head that i want to meet up with him this year. whether it might be in japan or here. he definitely inspired me to start putting more effort into looking for a job and now that i got one, we're over. he might've been the push i needed to get a job but i wish there was a less cruel way to it. this experience kind of taught me to be tough and i definitely feel changed. i'll never let anyone mess with me. i know my standards and boundaries now. communication has become more important than ever before. if someone ain't serious with me then i don't want it, next. i'm not here to play and i'm not here for the mind games. how dare you do this to me, fuck you.

[brandnewhuman]

I love ur writing it's so good!

Could I request a reader who fought back tremendously well?

GUILTY

CONTENT:

Pairings: Thomas hewitt x reader

Tw: canon violence, murder, major character death, blood, mature language

Summary: you both have to survive, and while you both do all you can only one of you at end is going to make it. Even if it means having to live with it forever

A/n: i went a little bit...overboard :'). Initially i wanted to Michael but i just thought to myself "why don't just hurt your own feelings even more and do it with Thomas?" So yeah, I'm sorry in advance for the atrocity I've just committed. Hope you liked it tho!! Im not like the best at describing and this is probably so sloppy and shitty but I've tried my best!! Enjoyy

You had always been the understanding type. The one that, during a horror movie, roots for both the victim and perpetrator. It was almost a second nature for you to see the good in any bad and the bad in any good. 

Deep inside, something about the misunderstood antagonists has always reasoned with you on the personal level. Even now as you watch, tied up to a table in a dark, cold basement, the behemoth of a man that has brought you down there your mind is buzzing with fear trying to anxiously find a reason for all of what has happened to you. 

You knew almost nothing about Thomas, as you have learned he's called, the only thing you were sure of is that he was upset by the whole situation as you were. There was not a single trace of malicious intent in anything he did, he always avoided looking directly into your face, almost as if he was ashamed. He knew what he was doing was  unforgivable but in some sort of twisted way he was too a prisoner of the situation you both were in. That notion in your head was sending waves of guilt all over your aching body. You didn't want to hurt him, you didn't want to hurt anyone but this is not how you wanted to die. 

"I.. your name is Thomas right?" You breathed out, your voice shaking anxiously as you tried to sound as friendly and calm as possible. He only looked at you briefly before focusing again in closing the right knife to use for you. You shut your eyes close trying to hold back the tears and calm yourself before speaking again. This is the only way you have to get out of here and you can't afford to fuck up "I… I know you're not a bad person. I can see that you have..you have to do it" at this he stopped but still didn't look at you. This was the first time someone, someone who was in your position, has said something like that. There has been a few who have tried to literally fuck their way out of it but never one who was simply… kind. You took him stopping as your cue to keep going. 

"Know that…I don't hate you. You're trying t-to survive and..and I get it" your tone was more of a whisper at this point cause the painful feeling of your throat closing wouldn't allow you to raise your voice any further. You weren't even sure if he heard you since he didn't seem to react. Your heart was sinking deeper into your stomach as your head racked to find other ways to get him to untie you. 

But he did hear you, he heard you so clearly that he almost wished you didn't say anything. Slowly and hesitant he turned completely towards you, his broad shoulders raising up and down with every deep and heavy breath he took. You realised with horror that his right hand was tight in a fist around the handle of a big and blood dirty cleaver, his knuckles almost white from the how hard he was holding the tool. 

"I- i didn't want to make you angry i- I just" your words caught up in your throat almost choking you as panic settled all over your body. You couldn't stop shaking as he started taking painfully slow steps towards you. You had to keep going, you had to try again or you would be able to leave. 

"I just! I- i just d-don't want it to hurt…please. I know I can't leave, I…I just want you to be…be gentle. I know you can please" your pleas paired with your glossy eyes widening in fear tugged at Thomas's heartstrings. You weren't even trying to survive…you were just asking for a painless death and that was something that filled his entire body with liquid and burning guilt. Deep down he knew that he shouldn't even care, that he should just get over it and little does he know that part of him is right but is it really that terrible to comply just once? You were gonna die after all, was it really too much for him to just do it nicely? He felt that he owed you at least that, giving what purpose your body was going to serve. 

When he gave you a single soft nod you could've almost cried from relief. Your thank you's crushed against his already heavy heart as he worked on the straps that were restraining you with his free hand. Once he was done he looked at you, one hand reaching hesitantly to your face as he brushed away a few tears staining your cheeks. He was surprisingly careful and soft so that you felt the need to lean to his gentle touch. His eyes were full of surprise as you did and he stayed still, holding his breath as his heart started beating harder and faster. The longing in his gaze, the way he cupped your cheek as you leaned in his hand and the tremble in his breaths once he finally let his lungs get more air was not mixing well with the knowledge of what you were about to do. 

"I'm sorry…" you said so softly and so gently that Thomas didn't realise what you were saying fast enough. With one swift movement you took the cleaver from his now more loose grip, making his sharp end meet brutally against Thomas' right shoulder. 

Everything was going so slow but so fast at the same type as a heart wrenching shriek of pain filled the air. You pulled back the cleaver as soon as one of Thomas' hands tried to get a hold of you before you could run. You dodged it and pulled yourself down the table. You started to run towards the exit doors still holding the cleaver in your hand in case you had to use it again.. Heavy footsteps followed you closely as you climbed the stairs. He huffed in pain and anger as his mind was filled with red tinted violent thoughts fueled by the feeling of betrayal and shame falling upon him from trusting you. 

Before you could open the door his arms wrapped around your waist pulling away scaring you and as an involuntary reflex, the hand holding the cleaver just open and flew to where Thomas's were placed, clawing them while you kicked and screamed trying to free yourself from his deadly grip. Your elbow met his face several times, forcing out of him moans of pain while he tried to keep his mind focused on getting you back on the table. Your last blow broke his nose, taking him by surprise as he backed away from you after finally freeing your body from his hold. While holding his nose and groaning in pain he misplaced one of his feet and lost balance, falling down the stairs. If he already didn't feel humiliated enough now he definitely did. 

You turned to look at him, you wouldn't be able to leave if you didn't take him down now and you knew it. You almost hoped it didn't have to be this way but you just prayed he could forgive you as you were just trying to survive. 

You didn't waste any time. As he started to get up you looked around frantically to find the cleaver and once you found it you turned around to look at Thomas again. He got so close to you without even noticing and without even thinking about you swinging the cleaver against him, giving him a nasty deep gash across his torso. He backed away again, holding the wound and panting heavily as soft moans of pain left his mouth. His gaze was clouded with hate as he watched, his features contorted in anger as he charged again towards you. 

You ducked, dodging his arms and using all your strength and his lack of balance against, straight up pushing into his body to slam him onto the ground. You both fell, and you ended up on top of him, his whole body softening your fall while his head just slammed hard against the floor blurring his vision with pain. Everything around him was spinning and he felt his limb weighing ten times more as he hardly managed to make out your form on top of him from the dark as you immediately straightened yourself up. 

Your chest raised and filled heavily as tears now we're running, feeling down your eyes, your hand holding the weapon raised above your head as every piece of yourself got eaten up by the sickening guilt you were feeling. His eyes as soon as they got a clear vision of what was happening widened in terror. For the first time and last time Thomas knew what the victims felt as the cleaver swinger down at him one, two, three times.

You screamed and your eyes were blinded with big fat tears as you kept going with your assault at him, blood spilling everywhere staining your hands and clothes while his hands fighted back in an attempt to stop you. 

The adrenaline of the moment was giving you enough strength but as soon as you felt his arms go limp onto the floor, you stopped. You sobbed uncontrollably, your whole body shaking so much you felt dizzy and the sight before you was making you sick to your stomach.

Almost as if it was scorching hot you let go of the cleaver and crawled away from his body, covering your mouth with one hand and shutting your eyes close, trying to wake yourself up from what you were able to describe only as a nightmare. 

"I-...I'm sorry..i- i- I'm SORRY" you screamed so hard until you hurt your throat. You had to get out of there, you had to go so far away from there now cause if you stay another second the guilt is going to win over and all of this would be for nothing. You scrambled up on your shaky legs, taking in your hands the knife once more and without even daring to look at him you made your way upstairs. 

You could say to yourself that maybe you did him a favour but you knew very well that it wasn't the case..you just did what you needed to survive and that was the only believable truth. You just hoped, as you crossed the door, that Thomas was the only one you would have to kill to get away. 

[pub-lius]

ACTUALLY Hardcore Facts About Alexander Hamilton

Alright, take two.

I've already typed this entire thing out once, so this is likely going to be a lot more lazy than anything else I will ever post, so :).

Sources: Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow; John Laurens and the American Revolution by Gregory D. Massy; The Federalist by Alexander Hamilton; George Washington's Indispensible Men by Authur S. Lefkowitz; Lafayette by Harlow Giles Unger; Who Was Alexander Hamilton? by Pam Pollack and Meg Belviso

Hamilton wished for a war when he was like a baby. So if you know Hamilton, you know that one line where Hamilton says "As a kid of the Carribean, I wished for a war, I knew that I was poor, I knew it was the only way to rISE UP-" in Right Hand Man. Well, that line is based off of a letter Hamilton sent to his childhood bestie, Edward Stevens: "...Ned, my ambition is [so] prevalent that I... would willingly risk my life, tho' not my character, to exalt my station... I'm no philosopher, you see, and may be jus[t]ly said to build castles in the air... I shall conclude by saying I wish there was a war. Alex. Hamilton." Okay, dude, calm down, you're like two years old. I think he was actually like 14-16, but for dramatic purposes we'll say he was an actual infant (do I sound like Chernow?). But I hate how much this letter foreshadows. It's like he jinxed himself, its almost embarrassing.

Hamilton ran a business at 14. Now if you've ever been fourteen and you were like "i think i feel like running a business" literally shut up no one asked. I think this is impressive. When Hamilton was at least 14, the guys the owned Beekman and Cruger (it had a different name by this time but this one sounds cooler) just dipped and left Hamilton in charge. This was actually a pretty good decision, since Hamilton managed it well. There was also this one time where Hamilton told a whole captain of a ship who didn't perform up to standard, "Reflect continually on the unfortunate voyage you have just made and endeavor to make up for the considerable loss therefrom accruing to your owners." This man was so arrogant I wish I had his confidence. Yeah that was cool ig, but if I met teenage-Hamilton, I'd literally hate him.

Hamilton saved the president of his college. Ever the dramatic, Hamilton had a thing for suppressing mobs (though he was pretty much never successful). There was this one time at King's College where a mob formed to "talk" with the president of the university, Dr. Myles Cooper (by "talk" i mean make him into a tory bird). And, according to Who Was Alexander Hamilton? (this book gives me so much joy), "Alexander vowed to protect him [aww]... He stood up to the crowd, telling them that violence would only hurt their cause. He couldn't stop the crowd, but he delayed them long enough for Dr. Myles Cooper to escape in his nightgown," (Pollack and Belviso 27-29). This is a really sweet description of it, but Hamilton was probably calling the mob a bunch of insults and stuff, judging by how he later handled riots. Also, Cooper thought Hamilton was rallying the mob, so he was a complete jerk to Hamilton, but rightfully. Everyone, bully Hamilton. He's short and dead like an idiot.

Hamilton was really cool on the battlefield, don't @ me. Now, despite being a clumsy little gremlin and an absolute dork, Hamilton was a pretty good leader, and I guess veterans deserve to be recognized for their victories or whatever. At the battle of Princeton, one of my favorites, Hamilton had very big, cool guns, and did some cool stuff. "Returning to the final phase of the battle of Princeton, British infantry took refuge inside Nassau Hall, the building that housed the College of New Jersey. American artillery commanded by Capt. Alexander Hamilton [ya boy] was brought to bear on the college building... Washington was on the scene and noticed this young artillery officer who skillfully commanded his gun battery. The general would soon invite Hamilton to become one of his aides-de-camp," (Lefkowitz 92). Wow so cool moving on to Yorktown.

When the Americans were building their fortifications, two British fortifications were in the way. So rude. Consequently, Washington sent The Gay Trio, Lafayette, Laurens, and Hamilton, to uh, silence them. Hamilton pulled off a successful sneak attack, and won the battle swiftly, leading to the American victory in the battle of Yorktown, and therefore the war. "...Colonel Hamilton['s] well known talents and gallantry were on this occasion most conspicuous and serviceable. Our obligations to him, to Colonel Gimat [stan], to Colonel Laurens, and to each and all the officers are above expression..." -Major General Marquis de Lafayette. Lafayette is so nice I would marry him if he was alive and single and legal and not old as hell. Like omg he gave credit to everyone but himself that's so nice I'm such a simp for Lafayette. Anyway, Hamilton was cool too ig.

Hamilton caused the evacuation of Philadelphia like an iDIOT. So, after Brandywine (British victory), Washington sent Hamilton on a foraging mission in Vally Forge to get flour, horseshoes, and tomahawks (not quite as exciting as Yorktown). Well, our clumsy ginger rat got caught, and wrote to the president of Congress, John Hancock, "If Congress have not yet left Philadelphia, they ought to do it immediately without fail, for the enemy have the means of throwing a party [party rockers in the house tonight] this night into the city. I have just now crossed the valley-ford [Valley Forge], in doing which a party of the enemy came down & fired upon us."

Surprise, this turned out not to be the entire goddamn British army, it was just a few scouts sooo... let's just say Philadelphia wasn't happy. "Our Removal from Philad. Was owning to information that General Howe was crossing Schuylkill [River]... However tho' this Intelligence was from one of the General's family (Alexander Hamilton) it was not well founded & we wish we had not left Philad.," -James Duane. Yeeeaaahhh, that's awkward. Not the best way to get your name known in the capital, I must say.

Hamilton was possibly bisexual, and this is hardcore because I say so. Now, I'll add more quotes to this later, but basically heres my interpretation of the historical evidence and whatnot. Basically, Hamilton was a really closed off, cynical guy, since like everyone he ever loved died or left him pretty much, and he wasn't really the type to make and keep close friends; "...how little dependence is to be placed on treaties, which have no other sanction than the obligations of good faith, and which oppose general considerations of peace and justice to the impulse of any immediate interest or passion," (Federalist 64); It is a known fact in human nature, that its affections are commonly weak in proportion to the distance or diffusiveness of the object," (Federalist 73). Um, Mr. Hamilton? You're projecting your trauma on the government again.

Also, despite working with him for like twenty years, Hamilton really never got close to Washington, like at all. He even said to Laurens, "I have no friendship for him and have professed none," in regards to Washington, which is kind of mean. But he ALSO told Laurens:

"Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power by action rather than words [to] convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that till you bade us adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments and to keep my happiness independent of the caprice of others. You s[hould] not have taken advantage of my sensibility to ste[al] into my affections without my consent."

*mocking Hamilton* its YOUR fault that i love you and it was RUDE that you FORCED me to love you how DARE you you SUCK i love you uwu.

Also, at the top of that letter, someone mysterious (probably Hamilton's son) wrote, "I must not publish the whole of this," and Massey still thinks Hamilton was straight.

But yeah, that's about it. I had originally written more at the beginning, but I unfortunately lost the original draft, so I'll just settle for this. I hope you enjoyed, though, and maybe learned something or found a quote you needed or something. I did more research than I wanted to in one sitting for this, so appreciate it or I'll cry. Thanks love you <3

[julyarchives]

Tendae (텐데) || (M) Teach Me pt.4

You realized that Wooseok is the one person that can bring you comfort whenever you two are together, and the holiday spent alone with him only intensified the tingly feeling inside that scares you so much.

→ Pairing: Wooseok x Reader

→ Genre: Smut

→ Words:  4.5K

→ Contains: Smut; Friends To Lovers; Virgin!Wooseok; fingering; there is a small anxiety attack at the beginning; lots of touches; conflicted feelings

→ A/n: So, this chapter incorporates 2 requests that have been recently sent to us, thank you so much to the people who've done it, it was really nice to imagine Wooseok in these situations and turns out we are a sucker for him (can you blame us tho?). Anyway, we hope you guys like it! (Also, yes, the title is inspired by Bobby's song, because that has GOT to be their theme song, it's perfect)

→ Index: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

You tried to sleep, really. You put on some calming music and the tv was on to keep the room dim light but it was no use. Tossing and turning in bed was something that became a habit after you had to deal with your life choices. You got yourself in a really tiring situation, between babysitting your best friends and dealing with two simultaneous educational courses, you barely had time alone to just relax. To make it worse, the rain started to pour heavily outside and you sighed, it was only a matter of time for the nightmare to begin. Sometimes even you forgot how scared you were of thunder and storms, they didn't occur often and when it rained, it was light but you just knew that an anxiety attack was on the way when the first loud thunder resonated. Covering your head with the blanket, you sank into the mattress and wished for it to go away. There was only so much you could deal with by sighing and wishing for the best. The noises got louder and the light music was no longer catching your ears, tears now threatening to fall and your fear only growing bigger. It seemed like a couple of minutes went by you figured, even though it felt like hours to you and there was no sign of the storm stopping. A somehow even louder bang caught your attention and you jumped, how the hell did it thunder inside your room?

"Y/N?", a desperate whisper was heard by the door and you cautiously peeked from under the covers. Wooseok was standing by the door with a pillow under his arm and his hand holding his chest as if to catch his breath. "I was asleep, the thunder woke me up. Sorry it took me so long to come", he said, still whispering, maybe to not scare you even more.

You nodded without being able to speak, you just knew the tears would fall if you tried. Wooseok closed the door behind him and even jumped lightly when another thunder filled the room. That spurred him on, quickly moving to gently pry the blanket from your head and you scooted over, making room for him, only to have him settle quickly with his own pillow and pull the covers back up, covering both of your heads. He smiled sweetly at you and opened his arms in invitation, one which you gladly accepted. The moment your head was against his chest you cried, feeling protected like this after the overwhelmed fear you felt so strongly was too much and you felt Wooseok hugging you stronger. Your small sobs were barely audible because of the thunder but you knew he felt how your body moved as you cried and you were thankful he just hugged you in silence. You heard him hum to some tune and you wondered if he could hear the music you had put to sleep.

"Y/N?", Wooseok called you and you moved your head back to look at his face, "are you still crying?", as he asked it, you let out a sniff, making you both chuckle.

"Does that answer you?", your voice wasn't sounding normal and even then you knew it was okay because he understood it.

"I remember when I didn't get much screen time at a tv show and you found me crying in my room…".

You remembered that. It was at the beginning of the friendship, he was reserved and shy but when they guys showed up looking awkward and Wooseok just walked past everyone, you had to follow him. He was under the covers and you heard the small whimpers of crying and you didn't think twice, your instinct told you to slip into the mattress with him, you laid down to watch a wide-eyed Wooseok who was sniffing and trying to control his crying. You understood how he must have felt, not good enough because the editing and the hosts ignored him almost completely. You needed to show him he was so much more than that but he was too reserved for you to know what to do, so you just held him and he quickly hid his face in your neck and cried until he fell asleep. Since that you always shared a bed and got so much closer.

"I remember that too", you said, your crying slowing down. "I'm glad you let me stay that day". He sighed, holding you closer.

"I'm glad too". He shyly kissed the top of your head and went back to humming a song. Paying attention to the vibration of his chest and his warmth, you soon fell asleep even as it still poured outside.

Waking up was the hardest part since it was a while that you slept so well. Moving a bit you noticed that the blanket was no longer covering your head but Wooseok was still next to you, hand-holding close by the waist. He was soundly asleep and you sighed, torn between wanting to stay with him and needing to start your day. The struggle didn't last long as you needed to go to the bathroom, so you wiggled a bit so he could let go of you but you ended up being pulled closer against him, his hand possessive around you. He groaned in his sleep, displeased that you were moving and you chuckled silently, now taking his hand in yours to move it away from you. For a second you let your fingers intertwine and you smiled, a warmth you knew all too well invading your chest but as always, you decided to ignore it and move away.

The house was abnormally quiet and you did your morning hygiene quickly and surprisingly in peace. After choosing a comfortable slip-on dress, you got into the kitchen which was also weirdly empty. Usually, at least one person was rummaging around for snacks and you made sure to look around to search for any of the boys. As you made your favorite breakfast food and drink, you noticed the fridge covered in small notes in all different colors and shapes, each of them from one of the boys letting you and Wooseok know that they'd be out. Some would be traveling since it was a holiday, others would be visiting their families and you frowned, you didn't even know it was a holiday, studies were taking up most of your time and all you knew was your deadlines. Opening the group chat for the house, that featured all the boys, you typed a quick text wishing them a good holiday break and resumed eating.

After finishing, you slightly debated if you should go to your own home to study but with a sigh and a shy amused smile, you got up and went to the empty room they reserved for you so you grab your notebook. The boys going to the army was something not very pleasant but at least you got a bed and a room to yourself, lucky two of them went almost together.

You got inside quietly and tiptoed around the bed so as to not wake up the giant asleep on the bed, his feet almost completely out of it. Your backpack was at reach and you took it with you as silent as you could. With your back turned to the bed, you made sure to look twice to see if you forgot anything.

"Tell me you made breakfast", a raspy sleepy voice resonated behind you. You jumped and your backpack almost flew away from your hands.

"Don't do that, Wooseok! Warn me before talking!", he laughed at that, arm resting on his face.

"Sure, I'll squeak before talking so you don't get scared", he was fully laughing and you watched him fondly.

"Shut up", you slightly pouted and he sat upon the bed, moving so you could almost stand between his knees. "There is breakfast but I should eat it myself for that".

"I just woke up, Y/N. Give me a break", he smiled and gosh, wasn't he charming, hair all messy, voice deep from sleep, made you remember all the times you two shared touches, your cheeks feeling warm.

As if sensing where your mind was going, Wooseok slowly moved his arms and placed his hands on your waist, barely touching it. Your first answer was to drop the backpack and place your hands on his shoulders, moving closer. When he stretched his upper body, your body knew what to do before you even registered the action. You moved lower and your foreheads touched, such an intimate touch and yet so innocent. Both of you whispered good morning shyly and like waking up from a dream you almost flinched away, grabbing your things from the floor and clearing your throat.

"There's food ready. I'm gonna study, alright?", he nodded a bit stunned by your sudden change. "Everyone is away and it's just the two of us today", and with that, you walked away.

The morning went by without a single problem, you focused on your studies while Wooseok watched something with headphones or just played on his phone. Your only breaks were bathroom breaks and you were almost certain that you wouldn't even drink water if Wooseok didn't leave a bottle there every half hour.

Lunchtime came and you got up your chair to stretch and rummage through your phone, sitting next to Wooseok. Part of you noticed how there was a full empty large couch and two chairs available but you still sat on the two-seat couch thigh to thigh with him. You shook your head physically to get rid of these thoughts and quickly opened the food delivery app, nudging Wooseok to check it with you.

It wasn't a hard task to decide on lunch since you two knew what you liked and soon enough the food arrived. The small chit-chat was alien even to you and part of you knew that it was because you fled his embrace earlier. That scared you because even though you started whatever you two have it shouldn't be affecting you this much. Of course, he was your best friend and you knew everything about each other, and yeah, knowing a girl at work was coming onto Wooseok was bothering you and staying alone with him like this made you nervous like never before but hey, if you ran away it'd go away sometime, right?

After eating, Wooseok took care of the dishes and you laid on the big couch, closing your eyes for a moment to at least pretend everything was normal. After a few minutes of you being completely still, you felt a presence in the room and then the external lights went missing and the dark of your closed eyes got even darker. You opened one eye and fought back a smile to see Wooseok standing and looming over you curiously.

"What", you breathed out.

"Checking if you didn't die", he seemed serious and that made you crack, sitting up while laughing hard after he stepped back and he sat next to you, his arm going to your shoulder like it was natural. Did you two always do stuff like that? You weren't even sure but you let yourself enjoy the moment for a bit before going back to reality. "Seriously, you looked dead".

"That was my soul you were seeing", you smiled at his horrified face and you held it with both hands. "I'm joking, silly. I'm just too tired". Without thinking straight, the impulse to feel the moment was too strong and you left a peck on his mouth, quick and yet it made a small sound. "Gonna go study", you rushed over your words, getting up like a lightning bolt and running to the table. If you looked back, you could see a blush spreading on his face, him watching you, face torn between amusement and shock.

It wasn't before three hours went by that Wooseok showed up at the table you were studying on and threw a bag of chips on it.

"Not hungry", you mumbled, a very important part of the analysis you were writing was being refined and you were so close to finishing it that you barely looked up.

The sound of the chair next to you being pulled didn't bother you, neither did the sound of a bag being open. Somehow not even Wooseok sloppily placing a chip on your mouth didn't bother you either. What did bother you was his face showing up between you and the computer screen.

"Move!", you said rather loudly. He didn't answer and moved, thankfully. Some minutes went by and the chips kept coming for which you were thankful.

As you finished writing and started proofreading what you wrote, you felt the ghost of a hand touching your thigh. You frowned and looked at him, who was casually scrolling on his phone with the hand that was away from you, even though you noticed his cheeks being red. You took a deep breath and resumed reading, only to have your thigh gently squeezed by him.

"What are you doing?", you said through your teeth. Since when does he have the nerve to touch you like that?

"I'm checking my phone", he showed you his phone, looking at you as if you were crazy and his actions were obvious.

"Wooseok, I'm busy right now".

"Oh, I know, Y/N". The hand squeezed harder and you shuddered. Shit.

You decided to see how far he could take this and honestly how far could you rest it, so you just ignored it once again. Your mind was on the verge of shutting down but you were almost finishing so you pushed forward. All the time you read, his hand went further on your thigh, reaching your pelvis but not really touching you. It was driving you mad and the way he pretended he did nothing was somehow attractive.

When you finished reading and started closing the software, his hand got braver and touched you through your panties, rubbing lightly, long fingers teasing the extension of it. The tension of his hand on you this whole time was taking all your attention and you bit your lip to not smile as you closed everything. Truth is, there was no way you could focus on anything other than Wooseok with his hand on you like that and you knew how shy he was, so you read your work as sloppy as you could, not paying attention at all, just to make him stay a bit longer.

Your back fell on the chair and you groaned, his finger insistently massaging your clit through the panties. You looked at him then, his phone forgotten on the table, his other hand gripping his pants' leg enough to turn the knuckles white. His eyes were trained on you, his mouth slightly parted and breathing irregular. He looked as affected as you were and you were the one being touched, you reached to his nape and caressed the hair gently, hoping to get to him how grateful you were for him.

The action spurred him on, his hand moving to touch you inside the panties and that got you surprised. You'd be lying if you didn't think he never looked hotter than now, the hand caressing his locks now gripping it. He groaned when he felt how wet you already were for him and moved his hand harder on your clit, getting small whimpers from you. Your hips moved on their own accord, his other hand now touching himself above the pants and you noticed.

You snapped when he flicked your clit perfectly as he gripped his member and hissed, the stimulation being too much for you. Moving fast, you got his hand away from you and straddled Wooseok fast enough to surprise him. Luckily he caught on quickly and held you, hands firm on your ass. You kissed him with fervor, hands making a mess of his hair and it almost seemed like no matter how close you were it wasn't close enough.

You moved your hips almost too desperately and he matched your rhythm, giving as good as he got and you moaned, the whole thing too hot. All the times you two had together flashed through your mind and it only spurred you further, lust overpowering anything else.

"Y/N", he whimpered as you moved just right on top of him, his hips stuttering. "We can't do this here", he panted out.

You stopped and looked at him. His eyes were dark and he was out of breath, his hands never once relenting his grip on you, his hair was a mess and his lips were red and plump from kissing. The pang on your heart almost made you back out, get up and leave but his face was watching adoringly, also lust-driven, and he started leaving small kisses on your neck. You knew you lost the fight.

"Since when you know how to be so bold?", you chuckled and he followed, the humming feeling good on your skin.

"You taught me", was his simple answer, kissing your mouth gently. "We can go to my room if you want or we can go where you're sleeping".

"Your room. It'd be too weird to do this in Jinho's and Hui's room, right?", you smiled and he answered in kind, helping you get up at once and holding your hand during the walk upstairs.

You were very nervous out of a sudden and you didn't even know why. It wasn't your first time with anyone and you knew what you were doing. You taught him after all. But when you felt his hand slightly shake when you reached the room it finally dawned on you. If things went where you felt they would, it would be the first time with him. It would be his first time when it came to actual sex.

Wooseok opened the door and waited for you to enter so he could close and lock it behind you. Even though you were alone in the house, you knew it was better to be safe than sorry here. As you expected, he was nervous and stood there looking at you with his hands on his sides. You smiled fondly, your heart taking leaps on your chest and you touched his face gently.

"It's okay. It's just me". He smiled, kissing you slowly, savoring the moment just like you were. "We don't need to do anything else, reall-"

"I want it", he cut you off eagerly. Then he laughed shyly and gave you a peck. "If you want to, that is".

"Of course I do", you felt a sudden calm wash over you, and that made sense. Not knowing where stood and now having sure he wanted this as much as you made you feel better.

You took a step back and took your dress off, leaving you in your undergarments. He did the same seconds later, standing there in his underwear. Holding his hand, you took you both to his bed and since it was a tight fit, you laid him down and sat on top of him, gently laying down to kiss him and moved with it. That seemed to ease him into it again, this was something you did before and he excitedly followed, rubbing his hard member on your clothed core.

The moans coming out of your mouth were needier than you intended but your body needed him badly and you knew he was the same. You didn't waste time getting up and losing the rest of your clothes, staying naked in front of him. You fought your own shyness back as he stood again and took off his underwear. Wooseok stared at you for a second and then smiled, kissing you tenderly and laying back on the bed. You followed and laid next to him, touching him just like the first time, him nervously watching you only this time was during broad daylight and he was more confident, his own hands traveling across your body, feeling your breasts, your stomach, your arms, everywhere he could reach.

"Do you have any condom?", you whispered.

"Yeah, top drawer". Honestly, you didn't know what answer you expected but you raised your eyebrow at him as you got up to get it.

"Can I ask?", you said coming back.

"One of the guys gave it to me when a girl at work invited me out", Wooseok answered shyly, barely looking at you.

You scoffed and straddled him, letting his cock fit on your slick slit and you moved lightly.

"Too bad you'll be using it with me, isn't it?", you said with more intensity than you expected. "I heard about this girl before", you kissed his neck teasingly, he could stare at you and hold onto your waist. "What was she thinking? That she could take you away from me?", jealousy waking over, and even you were surprised. The first time you heard about the girl you got mad but apparently it was bottled up so nicely inside you that you only noticed now.

"N-no", he stuttered as you bit his neck, hips never stopping its movement. "I kept it because I wanted to use it with you". You stopped. Did he want to do this with you? Wooseok was hoping to get you alone and go all the way with you. It was different hearing it directly from him and you were stunned. He saw it and smiled, it was his turn to kiss you, his upper body more sat up than laying down. His hand caressed your cheek and he looked deeply into your eyes. "I want you".

You could have sworn time froze and your heart stopped. He was staring so intently at you that you felt frozen, only remembering to answer when he changed from intense to doubtful and you were quick to kiss him and hoped that the kiss would tell him everything you couldn't. After you came up for air, you quickly sat next to him and put the condom on for him, which he watched attentively.

"I want you on top of me", you said in a small voice. After all you said, somehow you felt pliant, needing his proximity to deal with it.

Wooseok obliged and you quickly adjusted on his bed, his frame towering over you. Your hands were on his face, thumbs caressing it gently while he supported himself in one hand and aligned himself with the other. You nodded when he faltered, waiting for your approval. As he entered you, two things were registered by your lust hazed brain. The first one was how deliciously he stretched you, you enjoyed his dick before but now you just knew you were doomed. The second one was how lost in pleasure he already looked when he got inside inch by inch. He was dragging the movement to get inside, going slowly and you didn't think it was for you. His mouth was open and a long groan escaped him.

He looked at you a bit desperate, needing to move as quickly as you'd let him and you almost chuckled. You settled for a smile and moved your hips up, indicating he could move. He started slow, going almost completely out before thrusting inside hard. His pace was driving you mad, hands now roaming on his back while his face was buried on your chest, kissing and licking his way all over it.

You endured it as much as you could because it was so good and he seemed so lost in pleasure but it got unbearable and with a hushed "please go faster" you pleaded. Usually, you were vocal during sex but somehow you were so lost in pleasure and in feeling his body all over yours, his cock moving so perfectly inside that you seemed lost for words. Wooseok quickly changed his pace with a grunt and his noises started to come out. Your mouth was open while you tried to keep your eyes open as well but failed many times. You could see he was trying the same but more often than not he got lost in your chest or closed his eyes in pleasure.

You knew neither of you would be able to last longer and it felt like heaven to feel him getting closer to his orgasm with you, his body moving fast and him gripping the sheets while he supported himself on his upper arms. You were sure his back had a few scratches because it was just too good to know you were marking him, his noises while you did that didn't help at all. Wooseok didn't need to say anything to you. Neither you did to him, you were in sync even then and he gave you space to touch your clit, which you gladly did. He tried to warn you but he couldn't, he came with a shout mid-sentence, body trembling as much as yours. Your orgasm followed his, watching him being too much to handle and the overstimulation was perfect.

You two kept moving even after, riding off both of your highs, and all the while you stared at each other's eyes. His stare was so full of feeling that you felt breathless a bit, you closed your eyes, relying on your orgasm to blame if he asked, even if you knew he wouldn't. He awkwardly laid next to you because he could barely fit and you laughed, moving to the side so he could fit. Wordlessly he took the condom out and tied it, placing it next to the bed and you made a mental note to not forget that there.

Laying facing each other you didn't know what to say so you giggled, amused, nervous, and happy at the same time and so did he, possibly for the same reasons. Wooseok moved so you could lay on his chest and so you did, even though you wiggle up in the bed to lay your head on top of the pillow, body seeking support on his. You kept staring at each other until he moved to give you a peck and a small nudge nose to nose. Butterflies invaded your stomach and you felt yourself holding on for dear life inside.

"Do you feel as fucked as I am?", Wooseok said.

"What sense of the word are we talking here, Wooseokie?", you laughed with him.

"You know what I'm talking about. You know, the stares and stuff", his way with words made you smile. You were thankful you didn't feel it alone.

"Yeah, then I feel as fucked as you are…", you kissed him and caressed his hair again, earning a noise almost like a purr.

"Hm. What do we do?", he asked while caressing your hair as well.

"I don't know. Decide what's for dinner?".

"Easy. Pizza", he answered naturally and you snuggled closer.

"Then what we do is call the pizza place". You said quickly and he agreed with a hum. "But now we nap".

"Nap first, pizza later", he said almost asleep and honestly you were the same, the atmosphere too cozy and nice to not succumb to sleep. Maybe you were fucked but at least you were with your adorable dork.

[sanzu-sanzu-sanzu]

Hiiiii.🙈

Just came here to say that I love your Songs About Toxic People so much.❤️ I've been obsessed about the Bonten Executives ever since I caught up with the manga and it's just so sad how we don't have enough content about them yet.🤧

I love all the Bonten Executives and my favorites are Sanzu and the Haitanis.🥺🤧💕

It's funny because I don't even know how that happened and I didn't notice it right away but the next thing I know I'm simping after the three of them so hard and for days my mind has been filled with nothing but thoughts of them ever since. Oh, the struggle. (😂)

The lack of content about them almost turned me into a fanfic writer right then and there (🤣) because I seriously wanted to read something about an OC who's also the only female executive in Bonten and I almost wrote it down myself, I swear.😆 I have never written something before in my life. Never. That's why I am soooo glad to find Songs About Toxic People. You have no idea how you saved me from the thirst I've been having ever since I got introduced to Bonten!Sanzu and Bonten!Haitanis and how you silenced the raging thoughts in my head about them if only for a little while, may God help me.

Now. About your absolutely beautiful and wonderfully written fic. Let me just say that I love everything about it.✨ The characterization, the little details about OC, their interactions, the dialogue, everything, is chef's kiss in my opinion. English is not my first language and (I'm guessing your's isn't as well? If I'm wrong, please ignore this but if I'm right then) I admire how beautiful your narration is. The words you use and the way you can create an image in your readers' minds using your descriptions is amazing.❤️

Your "show, don't tell" skills in writing is very beautiful, very admirable, and it's also my most favorite part of your story. I love it very much, seriously. That skill is the one thing I lack that made me give up in being able to write something of my own.😌 I realized that when it comes to writing, there are so many factors to remember and consider in order to make it interesting and engaging for your readers. Worldbuilding, character development, pacing, to name a few. But the hardest for me to master is the one thing you're so amazingly good at. And I admire you for that. That's why whenever I come across a writer like you with such excellent "show, don't tell" skills, I always make sure to make my appreciation shown. ❤️

Another thing I love about your story is the OC.😭 God, I love her so much. She is everything I've wanted to see in a fic that involves the Bonten Executives. She's a badass, she's feisty, and she perfectly fits right in with the other characters. I could just cry with how perfect she is in my opinion and you made that happen.😭❤️ I'm very satisfied with her character and I want to thank you again because I just know that if I did followed up on my need to write my own fic despite my inexperience, I just know that I'll end up disappointing myself and possibly even hate the plot idea because I was not able to meet my own expectations so thank you, thank you, thank you.❤️

She is amazing. You are amazing. Your whole fic is super amazing. I am glad and relieved that I don't have to write my own because yours already exists and it's so perfect.🤧

A female Bonten Executive, and the only female one at that.🥺🤧😭 I am so incredibly happy that the idea is finally out there and someone finally wrote it and that someone is also such a good writer. 🙌🏼

Kudos to you and I hope I can do more than just read and then say thanks. I believe you deserve more than that because I've been looking for this exact content you made and I've been looking for days. And now that I found one, even just the one, I'm relieved because it's already perfect on its own.😌

It's possible that it would take a long time for other writers to write something like this: a female OC that involves the Bonten Executives, my favorite flavor.🤧 It makes me sad, but no matter. I don't mind if I have to reread Songs About Toxic People again and again and again like how Sanzu takes drugs I'M SORRY for a long while because it's enough to satisfy my hunger and my thirst for the time being.❤️

Wow. This got super long. My bad. 😅 I did not mean for this to happen. I hope you don't mind this long ass appreciation message. I love leaving this kind of messages to writers like you.😊

Anyways, yeah. I just came here to tell you that. I hope you're having an amazing day and that you're safe wherever you are. Please take care of yourself. I'm looking forward to more of your works and what you can come up with. I am super excited! 😁

Best of luck and God bless.

- ✨

helloooo :”( this one took me a quite a while to answer because i just couldn’t stop gushing whenever i’d open my inbox huhuhu but you have no idea how much this truly means to me and i wish i can write better words at explaining how this made me feel. <3

first of all, your obsession with the bonten executives is COMPLETELY understandable i’m literally on the same boat as you my friend hahaha with sanzu being my main guy <3 they’re just so hot and dangerous but i also think there’s something kinda funny with all those guys being together LMAO (especially sanzu and the haitanis…add in a dead-eyed manjiro omg..)

just like you i am quite sad about the lack of content on them hahahaha it’s the main reason why i started writing about them in the first place, actually! (also because i'm just obsessed with sanzu) but that was more at the beginning when i still mostly relied on ao3, and then i got more active on tumblr and now literally everyday there’s new fics about them and that makes me extremely happy 🥺 i always did think that the bonten executive OC would make for such a nice flavor so i just latched on to the idea, and i also wanted to keep it a little more casual because i’m not the best with dark themes hahaha but it also helps me imagine the bonten execs in friendlier, more human, more everyday settings—a very fun exercise when you can’t stop thinking about them!

i am beyond happy knowing that you’re enjoying my fic to the point of sending me this lengthy message (whose length i don’t mind at all!!!) 😭 painting a picture with words is one of my favorite things ever when it comes to writing and i just…tear up when people enjoy my descriptions and the interactions and the little details huhuhuhu you have no idea. i didn’t even know i was doing a ‘show, don’t tell’ manner of writing until you pointed it out, so i gotta thank you for this cause it made me think more about how i write (in a good way!), so thank you, i super appreciate it.

i also hope you do get to write if ever you wanna! manifest the things you’d like to see in the world—something like that! hahahaha but also yeah, it can be fun and the possibilities are endless and it’s fanfiction so you can always do you <3

again, this really just made my day and i’ve saved it to my notes to read for when i’m feeling meh hahaha. i gotta say in advance tho that my updates might not come as regularly as before cus (1) life and also (2) need ken wakui to reveal more about my favorite bad boy sanzu LOL so we get to know him better.

and here’s to hoping more people write about oc’s that are bonten execs! so you’d get to have your share of this genre of bonten fic! hehehe you deserve it <3

THANK YOU SO MUCH, i hope you’ll have a nice day too 🥺 and take caaaaare. MWAH.

ps. oh yes, you’re right! english is not my first language hahaha.

[ackermans-freedom-inc]

As a follow up, (which u can take ur time on ofc) how about uhhhh nsfw headcanons with the same smaller male s/o? Who's easy to fluster and very submissive but can be a lil bratty once they get more into it cause why not 😏 hfkshfkwk if ur comfortable with it!! Hope u don't mind myself being self indulgent w these requests LMAO (this might be it till I think of something less vague tho I'm not as creative as the other PFF. Also ur like the sweetest imagine blog owner I've met omg 🥺)

Hello my dear! @fuck-mcgee I hope you dont mind that I included your HCs during Thirsty Thursday! After all they are nsfw (; Please enjoy! 

I am super self indulgent with my fics, so I figured its only fair I return the favour, even a little bit. (AND OMG ur making me a puddle of tears on the ground thank u for ur kind words im melting)

Levi with a smaller male sub!bratty! s/o HCs - NSFW

- Levi would never admit it to you, but he loved it when you would jump whenever he leaned in close to you to whisper in your ear

- he loved that you reacted to him in such a way, unable to contain the blush that would colour your cheeks every time he so much as patted you on the head

- He loved that he could make your day with a simple “Good boy” comment and a ruffle of your hair

- he knew exactly what he did to you, and loved every ounce of power he held

- but oh ho, did you like to test him behind closed doors

- that cute little grin you usually reserved for when he praised you would turn mischievous, little mewls escaping your mouth even as his hand came down over your backside, a growl in your ear reminding you to keep quiet

- you tried to listen to him, you really did, and of course you tried to be good, but who could resist frustrating the man that held your heart firmly in his hands

- little did you know, Levi may have your heart in his hands, but it was you who had him wrapped around your finger

- one beg, and one look into those puppy eyes you would make at him, and he would rip the moon from the sky to give to you – except in the bedroom

- he knew exactly what you tried to do to him, disobeying his words until he lost it, shoving his fingers in your mouth to keep you quiet as he pounded you into the mattress

- one time, he was away on business, and you had dutifully facetimed him every day, falling asleep with him right next to you, his grey eyes watching as your chest rose and fell, sometimes lucky enough to hear you murmur his name in your sleep

- he had promised to bring you gifts, but what he asked for in return had you balk

- you couldn’t touch yourself until he returned

- it was a week since he left on his business trip, and you couldn’t take it anymore

- you rut against your hand, pretending they were his, soft pants falling from your lips as you imagined him

- too bad you didn’t hear the door opening until it was too late

- he intended to surprise you, but caught you instead

- the rest of the night, neither of you got any sleep

- he brought you to the edge, over and over again – handprints on your backside, love bites littering you neck and inner thighs

- every time you got close, he would stop, pulling away completely as he glared at you from across the room

- you begged – pleaded – apologized so many times for him to just let you cum

- just when you couldn’t take any more, the thought of disobeying him crossing your mind once again, he gave his permission

- you swore you blacked out from the force of the orgasm that washed over you, because when your eyes finally focused, Levi was pressing soft kisses against your sweaty forehead

- instead of returning your smile, he flicked you with his finger, “damn brat”

- all you could do was smile, after all, he wasn’t wrong

[goldenmaybank]

history

pairing: jj maybank x reader

summary: can history bring you and jj back together or is it just meant to be something left in the past.

warnings: cheating, swearing, slight angst

word count: 1k

a/n: sorry this is a short one, but i’ve been busy lately. if anyone has any requests please send them. it might take me a while to do them tho since i’m finishing up with school. hope you liked this! (not my gif all credits to owner)

history.

history is what we had together. seven long years of friendship, and almost relationship, filled with so many firsts, so many laughs, so many tears, and so much happiness. jj was my first love and will always have a special place in my heart no matter what or who enters my life. he's taught me so many things, in more ways than one, and we've created many memories that will forever be engraved in my brain. in the middle of freshman year, my parents and i moved from the cut to figure eight. i went from being a pogue with no money to a kook with a huge house filled with expensive things i only wished i could’ve had as a kid. my parents worked so hard to get to where we are now but with that came leaving my best friends. it hurt to leave them, especially jj, but i knew it only meant my life could be better. or so i thouhgt. kook life may seem fun but its just filled with obxinous, coke snorting rich people who only care about themselves. once i moved and started at the kook academy i completely cut the pogues off knowing my parents would never approve of me still being friends with them. they had a reputation to uphold and would do anything to keep it. although its a small island i managed to avoid them all as much as i could. history is just the past, and thats where i intended to keep it, at least i tried to, until now.

"what time is it?" i asked jj. our naked bodies laying close to each other as we lie in john b’s spare bed.

"why? you need to go back to your boyfriend?" he said bitterly

"don't start this again, jj."

"start what? bring up the fact that you have a guy waiting for you? you always do this shit and i'm tired of it y/n."

"okay well i don't know what you want from me." i say as i put on his shirt that we threw to the side only moments ago.

"i want to know what this is."

"what what it?"

"this! us." he says motioning between us, "what are we?"

"we're-we're us. i don't know, jj." i say getting annoyed.

"well call me when you figure it out, but until then don't talk to me." he said after putting on his clothes.

"jj, don't do this." i say inching closer to him and grabbing his face, "you know how i feel about you."

"no actually i don't" he says taking my hands off of him, "all you do is call me when you need me and then once you're done getting some dick you go back to that kook boyfriend of yours. what am i? just a quick fuck? just some pogue you can use to rebel against your parents? because if that's all i am we can end it now. my feelings for you never went away and being with you these past few months have only made them even stronger, so if you ain't here for good you can leave now."

“jj, i never stopped having feelings for you. i've loved you ever since the third grade when we met and that's never gone away. i thought about you everyday ever since i transferred to the kook academy. every time i tried to date another guy i would compare them to you and see all the things they could never do for me that you could. it took me so long to get over you and even then i still thought about you at times. always wondering what you were doing, if you were with a girl or if i even crossed your mind anymore. i had to distance myself from all of you because i knew how my parents would react if they found out i was hanging out with you guys. and then when i saw that you that day at the beach i can't even describe how i felt. it was like all the love i have for you just hit me all at once and i felt like the little 8 year old girl again who kissed your bruises when you got hurt. that's when i knew this thing that we have will never go away. you're not just my first love, jj. you are the love of my life and that's never gonna change."

"so then why are you still with that guy then?"

"i-i don't know. i guess i’m scared. i thought you didn't really have any feelings for me anymore and this was just about the sex. and you know how my parents feel about you. it’s like they forget we used to live on the cut. they’re just so caught up in this kook life and i didn’t want to disappoint them. and my boyfriend, even though he can be an asshole at times, he's been the closest i've gotten to someone i can actually be with that isn't you. and i didn't want to let go of that if this wasn't gonna work between us. i was so miserable without you guys and now that i’ve got you back i don’t want to ruin things.”

"and it won't ruin anything" jj said as he grabbed my face looking into my eyes, "because i'm here and i'm not going anywhere. we can make this work. we will make this work because i can't live without you. i never went a day without thinking of you or dreaming of you. you always ran through my mind and i tried so hard to get you out by being with these other girls but none of them can ever compare to you. you are the love of my life, y/n, you’re my best friend and i'm never letting you go again."

"i guess they're right when they say the soul always to go back to who feels like home because you are my home, jj maybank."

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

First of all, I love you and your blog and what you do here, please don't ever stop!💚 Okay, just some things I would like to talk about (i just really need to talk about it to someone and I love how you answer asks (it feels so comforting) sorry if I'm being annoying but thank you for your time) 1: I've been reading a lot of fanfic later and whenever I stop I feel so sad! Like, I'm upset that I feel sad about it but I would really enjoy having an s/o. Probably a qpr would suit me best (keep on

Kept on) I identify as Lithromantic and having my first romantic experience with a friend of mine made me feel really broken. Bc I probably won't be able to have something I amways dreamt of and bc I was the one to confess and I can't get the thought that I broke his heart out of my head. I just feel sad about that sometimes even tho I should actually care about this, and I don't wanna talk to my alloro friends about it bc I don't think they'll understand (keep on

Kept on) Also, probably bc of fanfictions but I think I've been having some fantasies???? That scares me so much! I don't actually understand sexual attraction and tbh I don't think I feel it so things like that really make me nervous. Sometimes I get myself wishing or wondering something but I don't think I would actually engage in something like this given the chance (I think I'm actually scared) and yeah... Just feeling really sad these days :(

It might be a good idea for you to take a small break from fanfic. This isn’t to say give it up completely, because it’s not a bad thing in general. But it seems like it currently is part of you being caught up in a negative cycle. 

Instead try and focus more on found family media for a little while (Star Trek is pretty good for this for example, there’s romances here and there but they’re minor). If you do read fanfic, see if you can find any good QPR fics, or gen fics. 

But basically you want to break this cycle of looking for something you think you can’t have and then feeling bad about it. And basically causing yourself emotional harm. But focusing on more found family and gen stuff will help you connect more to those types of connections and maybe encouraging building more of those types of connections too. 

This isn’t giving up and saying you will never have any very fulfilling wonderful relationships, it’s more retraining your brain to stop thinking of romantic relationships as the most important thing in the world, and as though you’re missing a lot because you may not be able to have that cookie cutter romance society is telling you you should want. And it’s teaching yourself there’s lots of good ways to connect to people, and lots of different types of fulfilling relationships out there.

Following aro blogs or aro spaces could be good too, since this is a common topic of discussion, and can help you feel validated that you can find happiness and forge your own path that’s unique to you, and suits you best. 

All the best, Anon! And good luck!

[echo-inthevoid]

Season 2 q&a and overall reaction

Jonny stealing everyone's names XD 

Is martin going to be ok!? I also need to know! 

He said no;-; 

ok ya, no one's gonna be ok. 

Ya, he must do sooo much research. 

Ya, except for "fatigue" lol.

Eyyy the mechanisms!! 

What's the red string brigade? Ok, I guess a group of fans theorizing about stuff. 

Oh ok so someone else did martins poetry. Ooh, there's more martin poetry out there! *grabby hands*

Ok ya, Alex clarifying that Jon isn't stupid he just makes poor decisions. Probably if he'd paused and thought about it (like I did lol, I had to go do some stuff in the middle of that ep and thought about it a whole bunch lol) instead of immediately going out and buying an axe and further isolating himself and panicking immediately he probably would have figured it out. This is why it's bad to panic in a crisis guys. 

Eyyy! Jonny's parents voiced Gertrude and Leitner! That's so cool. 

XD Jonny grumbling about having to work with his parents. 

Hmm, I hadn't really thought of Gertrude being like a mother figure in the story? She just seems very cut-throat I guess from what Leitner said. Idk so far I've been very suspicious of her. Especially since that one statement where her photo burned a whole bunch of people or something. She just seems very shady... 

Alex chortling over Jonny's pain. XD

Side note, Every time there's a q&a I just can't stop noticing Jonny's voice going in and out of archivist range? Like most of the time I'm just listening along and then he'll say a sentence a bit grumblier and my brains immediately like "ARCHIVIST! That's THE ARCHIVIST!!" 

Martin would be the last one alive in Friday the 13th! It's official! 

(Is it bad that this gives me hope)

Jon likes Nonfiction, documentaries, and probably collects something just a little bit weird. *writes down for use in potential fics* 

also while im at it I remember jon saying he dislikes coffee at one point,  and so many people have him liking coffee in their fics! This has been your daily reminder of that fact because ever since then it keeps bugging me lol. (But also do whatever u want.)

Alex's spluttering sounds so much like Martin.

Yes!! I want to hear jon sing!! Yes! Musical Episode When!!?

Ah yes yes yes! All the characters are so unique!!? How does he do it!! 

Ya, it being in audio format sometimes makes it hard to understand what's happening in the live-action bits. (Live-action is the wrong word but u know what I mean.)

Oh ok ya, how he mentioned he got a pipe was quite clever I didn't realize that that's why he mentioned it at all. 

Ooh, there's a manga where there's something similar to Michael? I'll have to look that up later...

XD Alex and Jonny arguing about apples. 

Ok, so all the statements we're hearing ARE for reals. I kinda assumed but good to have it confirmed.

They used to hang out together!!? Work function curry nights!! ;-; 

Ya Ya! Who made the leitners!?

"You are assuming a book needs to be written" ...ok then. (but it has to have been created somehow??? Did they just spring fully formed from the powers? why? And why take the form of books?)

Alex's mischievous laugh about whether jon has friends *trembles in fear*

Yes!! Micheal is so good! I'm so happy they love him too! Yesyes! His laugh! 

Ah Yes!! Mary kaey was so creepy! 

XD yes yes yes fatigue was written on zero sleep, I knew it! 

Akskdjdkd I love them so much. Also, I've looked up Michaels voice actor luke booys and he does some other horrory type sketches n stuff and I kiiinda want to do a little animatic with some of those but it's Michael like annoying some poor soul lost in his halls... I think that'd be fun. I wonder if anyone's done that yet? If so someone send me the links I neeeed iiitt :3

Season 2 summary:

Uuuuu ya so this season was really good. I kinda listened to it in bursts of about ten episodes every couple weeks and then have been saving up the reactions to post later so these are usually going up about a week or so after I actually listened to the episode just FYI. 

I also do have a lot of spoilers cause I can't keep myself away from fanfic and people don't always tag for spoilers and I kiiinda wana know what's coming beforehand anyway? Idk it's hard man I get very stressed about what might happen and then also listening to too much at a time is too spooky for my poor little heart so I gotta read the less spooky fanfic to fulfill the hyperfixation you see. (If anyone has fanfic with spoilers only up to season 2 that'd be great btw) 

Anyway, I try not to take spoiler type stuff into account unless I'm just so sure of it I can't really not acknowledge that I know about it. 

Also, can I just talk about Michael for a minute?? Cause he's such a unique character? And I guess maybe there are other characters like him but I haven't ever seen one -tho to be fair tma is only like the third horror thing I've ever really got into (the other two are the SCP Foundation in its various forms and Little Nightmares. Hence why I keep making reference to SCP it's really the only thing I know similar to this.) But he's such a cool concept!!? Like someTHING that still has a personality? He's so not human? Like I get what he says but also I don't really? Idk im pretty sure he's an avatar right? Right?? Idk if that means he was a person at some point? But all this to say that he is probably the most inhuman character I've come across so far and I'm trying to figure out what it is about him that's so "other" to me? Like... I don't really know what Micheal's deal is? he seems to want to be sort of a neutral mischief-maker but also it seems like he keeps getting invested. But also I just love the way he talks about himself. Like he's a monster that has a personality and is fully intelligent but isn't just evil but isn't neutral either and certainly isn't benevolent. Like he's so complex and just,,,, the idea of a "thing" that's got a personality?? I love it? Kind of like dryads or spirits of things? Like the idea that after a long time things gain personality just by existing? Not that that's what Michael is necessarily? but that same sort of concept applies to him I think. Like the way he IS the maze and wants to help but wants to just watch but wants to kill them all. He's just so interestinggggggg. (And another vision of what jon could become?)

 also "es Mentiras" is a beautiful name 💕

So are him and not-Sasha avatars? Not-Sasha also seems completely inhuman and I was under the impression that avatars were (or used to be) human? Or are they like personifications of their power? Do all the powers have personifications of themselves. not-Sasha seems even less human than Michael? Like she seems to just really genuinely enjoy causing fear? Tho I guess we didn't really get to hear a lot of her. She just seemed kinda gleefully angry most of the time we heard from her. Was she... Human once!???

Anyway. Also, can I just talk about leitners line about jon belonging to the eye!!? Just..*chefs kiss* hnnnngg I need more jon grappling with that. I just need more everyone dealing with the fallout post all of the finallies ok? I still need more of jon angsting over his worms scars and stuff and now I also need jon freaking out about belonging to a fear god power thing. 

Also Martin! Is Martin ok? He sure did a lot of yelling which he doesn't usually? Look I love him and he actually thinks before he acts (unlike SOME people *looks at jon*) and he writes poetry and it is pretty good poetry ok!! And he cares about everyone and just wants a happy ending and aaaaa😭

Petition to get some statements from Martin's pov tho? I mean that's not gonna happen cause Jon's the archivist but I want more martin pov!! Maybe we can get some of his poem tapes??? Pls????? 

I feel so bad for Tim. It sounds like he's kinda fallen into despair.

Also Elias!!? Is showing his spooky side!!? He can control cameras and beat a man to death with a pipe!!? This is his "place of powerr"!!? I am afeared!!? At least jon knows he shouldn't trust him now. Oh jeez, I wonder if jon will listen back to the tape and know what happened. Thhhatsss rough. Oh dear, I hope he doesn't feel guilty cause Leitner did keep trying to hurry him and now everyone thinks it was him. Even martin thinks he did it? Wich like I kinda want to hear more of his thoughts on that? How much does he believe that jon did it? Tim certainly seems pretty certain but he's a bit biased and cynical right now so. 

And they were in the maze for DAYS? 

Now I need martin recovering from being stuck with Tim in Michaels maze for days being angry and worried and hungry etc... Dksjdksa knowing jon could be dying RIGHT NOW and there's nothing he can do. Please someone give me the fic links if this exists!! I've already written like 5 drabbles based entirely on spoilers/other fics (which I'll probably post (w/ links to their inspirations) once I'm caught up and can make sure I'm not just completely demolishing cannon lol. 

Leitner didn't even scream or yell or anything when he was murdered. Literally the chillest dude ever. F

Overall super great, Elias is terrifying, let's dive into the next season!!! I've got 2 seasons to finish in like, less than 2 or so weeks(?) if I wana be caught up by season 5 hhhh,,,

Better get started I guess.