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maybe-your-left · 5 years ago

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A Case In Need: Control Freak

Here is a link to my Masterlist that has all the chapters and my WIP!

TW/CW: NSFW, allusions to violence, drinking, and some breath play! Ren’s a nasty boy and FUCK is it good.

Also super sorry about it being a while since I updated, I just started some new anti depressants and they threw me for a loop but I'm back on track now and feeling better than ever.

It had been two weeks since Ren had bought you your ‘gifts’.

Scratch that.

Two weeks since a giant monster of a man had removed you from your home, took away your valuables, hid your favorite blanket somewhere, he wouldn’t say where, and gave you a full swat team of bodyguards whenever you were out of his sight. Two full fucking weeks since he started keeping tabs on where you were, what you were doing, and who you were with.

It was exhausting being his ‘lover’. If you could still be classified as that, it was starting to feel like a hostage situation, whenever the two of you weren’t in the office together he would send you texts or phone calls that you were required to answer. He had even gotten a spare cell phone to call you from so it was separate from his personal calls, and you presumed to keep Rey oblivious. Which oddly enough had been working, she had really no idea what was going on. She would visit him at work throughout the day and give him a small kiss on the cheek and always insisted on hugging you before leaving. At some point, she must’ve hounded him for your phone number because now here you were meeting her for lunch hours after Ren left your, ‘our’ as he liked to call it, apartment.

Before he left he had laid out an outfit for you to wear along with an outline of talking points you were ‘allowed’ to bring up with her during the lunch. You had rolled your eyes at him and ensured that you weren’t going to reveal anything to her, you didn’t really want your relationship with Ren to end. You just were getting tired of the short leash he kept you on. After getting dressed, and inspected by Ren, he had pulled you into a long slow kiss and whispered in your ear, “I’ll miss you Angel,” and then he was gone.

Huffing you messed with your hair a little more and straightened out the dress he had chosen for you. Even though he was being a psychopath for control you were surprised to see that he was being generous in the gifts he bought you. The day after moving Ren had taken you to a couture mall in Manhattan and lavished you with thousands of dollars worth of clothes, jewelry, and home goods. He had insisted on keeping the house in a monotone color scheme but he did budge on your wardrobe, he knew that you liked having some pops of color and truth be told you noticed that he enjoyed, a little too much, the baby pink sets you chose at the lingerie stores. He had even gone so far to get you a custom made necklace* that was engraved with his initials, with a ruby inlay, that he wanted you to wear all the time.

Grabbing your purse and slipping on your black strappy heels you heard your phone go off. You searched your purse for the damned contraption, even though it was a small bag it was almost like a Mary Poppins never-ending abyss when you threw things in it. Jingling out your keys you locked the front door and made it down the steps and finally snatched out the phone.

Vicrul and Ushar will be escorting you today. Don’t be difficult with them or you’ll be in trouble.

Ugh, he was never going to let you live that down. You stood outside and waited for their black SUV to pull up while you contemplated messaging him back. You didn’t really feel the need to be escorted to lunch with Rey, wouldn’t she think it’s weird that her husband’s men were driving you? Did she get escorted like that with the other beastie boys? It’s not like you weren’t fond of them, truth be told you liked the guys, they were always posted outside your house when Ren was gone. Usually, it was Ushar who took care of you unless it was a super public gathering then one of the other men would join in. But it had been a while since Vircul had watched you, the last time Ren had let them take you to a spa to get your nails and hair done and you had been in a bratty mood. One thing had led to another and it ended with you screaming that you were being ‘attacked’ because the men would not fucking stop hovering. The spa did not think it was funny however and Ren had to bribe the police officers who were 100% ready to arrest Vicrul because he was pinning you to the salon chair.

The black SUV slinked up to the sidewalk and out of the passenger side came Ushar. “Hello Miss (Y/N),” he opened the back door for you, “Confirming that you are headed to lunch with Lady Ren?”.

“Yes Ushar,” you rolled your eyes behind your sunglasses, “He already said I could go.” The men always did this with you, whenever he was gone they would double, even triple-check that you knew where you were going and any special instructions Ren had laid out for you. It was almost like you were a child stuck in the middle of a custody battle, each side was trying to make sure you knew all the rules and what you were allowed to say or do, it was getting really old.

“Hi Vic,” you cooed trying to get a rise out of him, “It’s been a while hasn’t it?”

Vicrul let out a low chuckle, “Not long enough Angel, not long enough.”

You hummed back at him and settled in so they could whisk you away to probably the worst lunch of your life. You decided to play nice and shoot Ren a text to let him know you were with the guys, but you also wanted to push his buttons.

Don’t worry Daddy. I’ll play nice.

The drive took a little over fifteen minutes, Vicrul parked up front and Ushar quickly opened your door and held his elbow out for you to take. You grabbed it, thankful for the support since you weren’t sure what to expect. The two of you began into the large building, with Vic jogging up close behind. Climbing into the elevator you noticed the other patrons were scooting away from you. Being as you were a small woman being flanked by two men who looked like they wrestled bears for a living, it was a natural response. Most people had hopped off before you hit the rooftop for your ‘date’.

Stepping out you scanned the area and immediately noticed another hulking group of men in pitch black suits. Ahh, so the others are here too, of course, Rey would have her own guards. You let the guys lead the way and soon you were a group of six men hovering by the hostess stand. Looking around you couldn’t find Rey, she wasn’t any smaller than you, she hadn't gotten far especially with four guys flanking her…

“Ugh there you are!” she squealed before pulling you into a tight hug, effectively pinning your arms to your sides. “I thought you got lost, Kylo told me he sent the Knights to come get you but I was so afraid you stood me up!”

“The Knights,” you whispered, still in her boney clutches.

“Yes, the Knights,” she released you and grabbed your hands in hers, “They are the bodyguards we use!”

Oh. The Knights. That’s what Ren called them, well it made sense, they were fucking huge and seemed like they did anything for their ‘master’.

“Are you ready to eat? I got us a lovely table out on the balcony,” Rey smiled at you.

“Oh yes, of course,” you tried to match her enthusiasm, “Let’s go.”

-----

After the two of you were seated the Knights had flanked you both on your sides, leaving about a 6-foot circle for the waiter and other servers to talk to you.

“So (Y/N),” Rey grinned at you, “How are you liking work? Kylo says you’re doing an excellent job.”

You blushed, “Oh thank you, he’s never mentioned that.”

“Oh, that’s just because he’s bad at giving affection, we’ve been married for almost 10 years and he still rarely says ‘I love you”,” she giggled and started drinking her cosmo. What an awkward turn this lunch had gone, and right at the fucking beginning. It didn’t shock you that Ren was weird with affection and compliments in front of people but you assumed that after ten years he would at least show something toward Rey. Your heart sank, what if he never returned feelings to you? You had been seeing each other for almost a month, and even though you knew it was wrong, you had started feeling ‘feelings’ for him. The PDA was okay, you weren’t a huge fan of it, but even at the mall he had held your hand and kissed your forehead when you found something he liked. It was strange and new for you, and being told that he wasn’t like that with his wife made you ill.

“Let’s talk about something else,” you spit out, “Sorry, it’s just I’m at work all week so maybe we talk about something different?”

“Oh of course,” she took another swig of her drink, “I can’t tell you the last time I hung out with a girlfriend.” another drink, “Probably since before I got married!”

“What?”

“It’s true,” she sighed.

“What do you do all day then?”

“This and that,” she motioned for the waiter to get her another, “Usually I go and play tennis at the country clubs, join in at the book club I’m a part of, you know domestic things.” She looked almost sad, you wondered if Ren was the reason she had nothing to do, or maybe she was just that boring.

“Well,” you tried to soothe her, “What do you like to do?”

She inhaled deeply and looked out at the skyline, “I really enjoyed being in school. Learning, reading, doing something. But I don’t anymore, women in my situation aren’t expected to have those kinds of hobbies.”

“Situation?”

“You know,” she looked back at you and dabbed her lash line, “Being married to a powerful man, I’m expected to hold a certain standard.” She sniffled and you resisted the urge to reach across the table until one single rule from the outline stood out in your mind, ‘Under no circumstance are you to soothe her, she is dramatic at times and I don’t need you falling into a trap’.

A server thankfully interrupted your pity party, leaving your dishes and a quick message about ‘if you need anything else just call’. Rey had seemed to reign herself back in and turned back to you with her trademark smile.

“What about you?”

“Oh um,” you paused to bite into your salad, “I don’t really do much. I usually go out to bars and stuff on weekends. Or my friends and I have wine and cheese nights!” You smiled at her, it had been about two weeks since your last meeting. Finn and Rose were super confused when you told them you moved but you convinced them that with your new salary you could afford some new things. You actually were supposed to meet them in a couple of days at your new apartment for drinking.

“Ugh that sounds so fun,” Rey almost screamed, maybe she was drinking too much. You weren’t sure what her tolerance was but you were sure that Ren probably monitored her drinking. “I used to do that in college with one of my friends.”

“Oh? Where did you go to college?”

“The same one as you!” she squealed, “Sorry, I saw on your resume where you went to school. I’m pretty sure we were in the same class.”

“Oh no shit,” you giggled back at her, you tried to remember if you knew her. The only people you hung around were Finn and Rose, sometimes Poe who had moved across the country after graduating. He was the ambitious one out of the group, he had joined the Air Force before school and became a pilot.

Rey started giggling uncontrollably, you could feel the Knights start to shift towards her. Especially Vicrul who seemed to be keeping a very sharp eye on her. “Yeah, we both used to hang out with Rose,” she said over her glass.

You froze. Rose? Your Rose? How did she know her? You were sure Rose didn’t know Rey, and if she had wouldn’t you have known Rey too. Now all the Knights were closing in on you two, you could feel the mood shifting to a topic Ren probably didn’t want you to have. “How… How do you know Rose?”

“Oh, it was way back when,” she flung her hand out to somehow calm you, “back when I was hooking up with this guy Finn.”

“I think that’s enough Lady Ren,” Vicrul grunted while reaching for her drink.

“Hey,” she shouted, “I’m a grown woman Vic. I can drink whatever I want!” She was starting to cause a scene, you turned and noticed other patrons looking your way. And what a sight it was, little Rey holding a half drank cosmo as high as she could away from the Knights.

Vicrul got closer to her and almost growled, “Don’t make me call him.”

Rey narrowed her eyes, “Do it, pussy.”

And then all hell broke loose, Rey had launched from the table, effectively throwing her drink on Vicrul. In her haste she had also thrown the food all over you, your pretty new dress now soiled by the salmon salad you ordered. Ushar had rushed to your side and grabbed you by the shoulders and was attempting to pull you from the scene. But you couldn’t just sit and watch, Rey was sobbing and screaming at Vircul to let go of her, even going as far to bite his arm that corralled her to his chest. You couldn’t help but cry too, this poor woman, she was truly a prisoner. She had so many friends at some point, maybe even was your friend, and then she was thrown into a world she didn’t seem to enjoy with a husband who only cared about her appearance.

Suddenly everything stopped, the Knights were silent and lined up by the table, aside from Ushar and Vicrul. You swallowed your tears and you heard footsteps. Slow and methodical steps coming towards you. Waves of dread began to fill your stomach while the aura of danger was licking between your legs. You cowered into Ushar’s chest, you didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to be at the end of his wrath.

“How strange it is,” he boomed from your left side, “that here, in our favorite restaurant, you decide to make a scene.” He stalked towards Rey, slow steps, each one growing louder than the last. He had his hands clasped behind his back and although you couldn’t see his face you knew that it was tense. You could practically hear his jaw popping in and out of place. He cracked his knuckles before bringing his hands up to his neck. “I expected more from you,” he spat out and began to crack his neck. Each pop was like a nail in Rey’s coffin, you couldn’t help the little whimper that rose from your throat which caught his attention.

Ren whipped around and was in front of you instantly. His fists clenched at his sides and his breathing shallow. He was waiting for you to meet his gaze, almost taunting you to stare back. You gulped and squeezed your eyes shut. You didn’t want this. You didn’t want him to blame you, if he would just calm down you could explain what she had said, no one had told you that she got so emotional when she had cocktails. It wasn’t in the outline briefing he had given you this morning. So really it was his fault.

“Take her away,” he snarled at Ushar, who suddenly picked you up and rushed you out of the restaurant. Peeking over his shoulder you witnessed Ren closing in on Rey. When the elevator doors shut you hoped that the pained screaming you heard wasn’t what you thought they were.

The drive back was silent. Neither you nor Ushar said a word. You barely remembered to breathe, you were petrified. How could lunch have gone so wrong so fast? You just wanted to get to know her, get an understanding of who she was. You didn’t think she was going to launch into a speech about how much she hated her life. And what was the whole Finn and Rose thing about? Not once had they mentioned that they knew her, other than when Finn told you about the Ren incident. But you didn’t think that meant Rey and Finn hooked up in college. It was all too familiar and uncomfortable, you needed answers and unfortunately, there was only one person who could give them to you.

-----

You waited. Paced, bit your nails in anticipation for him to come to you. He hadn’t told you this morning when he would be back, but he always would come around in the evening to drop off food and watch a movie with you. Or give you feedback on something at work, or fuck you on any surface he could find. But he never stayed too long, which should be normal, he did have a wife who would probably be suspicious if he was gone overnight.

After about 5 hours you had decided that he wasn’t coming. So you stripped down and started a bath, throwing in a black glitter bath bomb that was supposed to help soothe the body and soul. After it was just the right temperature you grabbed a glass of wine and turned on some Netflix to drown out your wandering brain. Sinking in you enjoyed the stillness, you didn’t get this luxury at your old apartment and now you were being spoiled rotten with all these new features. Never in your wildest dreams did you think you could live somewhere like this, or wear the clothes that you had hanging in the closet. You hummed to yourself and started drinking and began to be lulled to sleep by the sounds of Fraiser coming from your laptop.

You were pulled from your sleep to the sound of a door slamming shut. Followed by grunting which you assumed was someone taking off their shoes, and another series of slamming noises. Guess someone decided to pay you a visit, you groaned and drank some more of your wine, preparing for his royal asshole to grace you with his presence.

You heard his footsteps coming up the stairs, your master bedroom doors swinging open and closed until the man, the myth, the legend, was now standing in your bathroom. Fully clothed aside from his shoes being gone. “Well hi,” you said to him.

He grunted at you and made his way into ‘his closet’, which was filled with clothes of his own that he bought on your shopping trip. He reemerged completely naked with a black robe draped over his forearm.

“Why is the water black,” he grumbled before swinging a leg across from you.

“What do you think you’re doing Ren?”

“Don’t be difficult Angel. I’ve had a long fucking day,” he snapped at you, “Now is this water going to stain me, or am I good to get in?” he stared at you. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched like he was getting ready to attack his prey. You tried to keep your face neutral, not letting him know that you were still slightly scared of him after the display this afternoon. You slowly scrunched your legs to your chest as a nonverbal way of telling him he could join in. Once you moved he brought both legs in and sank into the tub.

You both were very lucky that this was a large bath since Ren’s legs took up about 75% of the space in it, leaving you to stretch out on top of him. Your feet placed on his abs while he sunk lower and lower until his head was resting on the lip of the tub.

“What’s in your glass,” he practically moaned at you with his eyes shut. He looked super uncomfortable but you could tell he was trying really hard to relax. Which seemed to never be his natural state.

“It’s a Cab*, the one with the lion on it.”

Ren snatched it out of your hand without even looking and chugged the rest of it. “We’re going to need more of that,” he rolled slightly to his right and pressed an intercom button.

“Whoever the fuck is downstairs will you bring up the Juggernaut bottle,” he barked into the speaker. Assuming that one of the Knights was going to follow his order. Within minutes one of them came in and gave Ren the bottle which he immediately started chugging from.

“Ren,” you reached out and pulled the bottle from him, “Are you going to tell me what the fuck happened earlier? Or are we just going to drink?”

“Can we not do both?”

You exhaled loudly, trying to get your point across that you needed to talk to him. He groaned and started rubbing his face. “I don’t know what you’re expecting from me. She is my wife and what we do in our personal lives is none of your business.”

“Are you serious,” you snapped at him, “Ren I am fucking you. You’ve been calling the shots of my life for almost a month, you bought me an apartment, car and new clothes and made me go to lunch with her and now it’s none of my business?”

He crossed his arms and looked away from you, trying to focus on your laptop even though it was paused from watching too many episodes.

“Kylo,” you barked, “I’m fucking talking to you.”

“Don’t you dare call me that,” he yelled, raising a finger at you.

Bringing the bottle to your lips you waited for him to continue. Interesting that he allows Rey to call him that but not you, this was something you were going to have to explore.

“Is it because you’re ashamed, Ren,” you cooed at him, “Ashamed that I saw how out of control she is. Or that I know you beat her.”

Suddenly he was on top of you, his hands around your throat. Teeth snapping in your face like a wild dog. “Don’t you ever accuse me of that,” he seethed and released you enough so you could breathe again, “I’ve never laid a finger on her in my life. You don’t know anything about me little girl.”

You had dropped the bottle in the tub, the red liquid pouring out and mixing into the black water. Almost like there had been blood spilled between the two of you. You grasped onto his forearms to try and anchor him off of you but were getting nowhere. “That’s hard to believe,” you gasped, “When you’re currently choking me to death.”

“Oh Angel,” his face softened to a less dangerous one but more one of mischief, “That’s because I know you like it when I’m rough with you.” You inhaled sharply, and Ren pushed you up further against the tub. Effectively pinning you in place while his knees knocked yours to accommodate him.

“Like right now,” he came closer to you, “I know that your pretty little cunt is sopping because of me. It’s okay to be afraid, I won’t hurt you.” One of his hands dropped into the water, “That much.”

Suddenly he had you flipped around, on your knees with your chest and face pressed up against the end of the tub. Water sloshing between you two while he pressed his hips into yours. Revealing a once well-hidden erection that was now skimming your folds. He brought one hand down between your legs, lightly petting at you. Humming when he felt your arousal mixed with the water. You moaned and tried to press your hips back into him, desperate for friction. “No, no Angel, you’ve been a bad girl.”

You froze and felt him line himself up at your entrance, usually he worked you open so it wouldn’t be so painful when he pushed into you, but it was clear that right now Ren wanted you to feel the pain. His other hand came up and gripped to your hair, successfully knotting it in his fist.

“Tell me, Sweetheart, do you know how long you can hold your breath?”

You craned your neck to try and look at him, you were obviously confused.

“Let’s find out.”

Ren pushed into you and suddenly you were dunked underwater. You thrashed and screamed under the black mess while he started pumping into you. Each thrust was harder than the last, he was determined to make you know how much he could hurt you. You tried to push yourself back up to the surface but he had you pinned, after what felt like hours he pulled you back up and you choked on the water.

Gasping and gagging you started sobbing while Ren was laughing like the Joker. “I think we can do better than that,” and he had you under the water again, his pace far more crucial, he was chasing a high that he didn’t know he had. The amount of power he held over you now was unbearable. This man, who you had grown to like more and more, was now holding you hostage under the water and the sick part was that you didn’t want him to stop.

He pulled you back up and pinned your face to the side and thrust in more and more, grunting and groaning at the clenching of your walls around his cock. The hand holding your hip hostage slid down and started rubbing tight circles around your clit causing you to moan. “That feels good doesn’t it Angel, I can feel you, you love it when I fuck you like this.”

Gagging again you responded, “I do I love it, Ren, please don’t fucking stop.”

“You want to cum don’t you,” he leaned to your ear and continued his brutal pace, “Cum all over my cock? Even though I almost drowned you?”

You screamed as his circle grew faster and faster over your nub, you couldn’t help clenching around him. You felt so close to your orgasm, you just needed a little bit more.

“Tell me you like it, Angel,” he huffed before stopping to take a bite out of your shoulder, “You like it when I control you. You need it don’t you dirty slut, someone to keep you in check.”

“Yes Ren I love it, please please let me cum,” you begged him.

“After you cum you’re going to thank me for everything I’ve done for you, do you understand whore? I own you. I own your mouth, your tight little cunt, even your thoughts.”

You were bucking back into his thrusts, desperately chasing your release, “All yours Ren, please I need it.”

He stilled his movements and turned your head to try and face him, “Take a deep breath and cum Angel.”

And you did just that as he dunked you back under the water, pinning you flat against the bottom while his fingers rubbed your clit in sync with his cock. You were clenching and desperately trying to hold your breath until you felt him empty inside you. Hot sticky cum painted your insides as his grip on your loosened, you took the chance to lift out of the water and gasp for air while Ren slumped against you. His chest flush with your back while his cock was still squirting into your tired pussy.

His arms came around you and pulled you up with him so now you were on top of him while he buried his face into your neck. Lazy and sloppy kisses were placed all over the crook of your neck up towards your jaw, his hands were slowly petting your breasts in a way to calm your breathing. Finally, he took in a deep breath and stood with you clutched to his chest.

Treating you like you would porcelain he stepped out of the tub and turned to the shower, quickly rinsing the two of you off before leaning you against the wall. You couldn’t even move, your body went into fight or flight every time he shoved you under the water. You were so sure he was going to kill you, but each time he was sure to pull you back up and prepare you for the next blow. It was almost considerate, given the circumstances, that he even let you cum with him. You stared at the man who was washing both of your bodies of the glitter, wine, and cum. He looked so focused on piecing you back together even though he had been the one to break you in the first place.

He shut the water off and stepped out, quickly drying himself off and getting in his robe before reaching his hand out for yours.

“Come on Angel, you’re shivering,” he whispered to you, afraid to command you after what had happened. You grabbed his hand and walked out of the shower where he again dried you off and wrapped you in your black robe too. Once you were bundled he picked you up and you wrapped your arms and legs around him, desperate for him to stay with you.

He brought you to the bedroom, pulling down the sheets with his right hand while still cradling you with his other. Bending over to place you down you squeezed him harder, “Please don’t go,” you whispered in his ear.

“I’m not going anywhere (Y/N), not anymore.”

You released him and watched him go back to the bathroom and shut off the lights before coming back and climbing into bed fully naked. Ren came up behind you and started to pull off your robe, kissing your bare skin when it came into contact with the room's cold air.

“I promise (Y/N), never again” he cooed before pulling you into his embrace and the two of you were lulled to sleep.

TAGLIST: @finn-ray-nal-beads @morby @kirah36 @onlykyloscenes @clumsycopy @candycanes19 @desiraypark @direnightshade

*Here is our necklace from Tiffany: https://www.tiffany.com/jewelry/necklaces-pendants/elsa-peretti-color-by-the-yard-pendant-62464399/

**Here is the wine we are having, it’s my sister’s favorite red wine and it's honestly not that bad: https://www.wine.com/product/juggernaut-hillside-cabernet-sauvignon-2017/532155?state=CA&s=GoogleBase_CSE_532155_type_Wine_RedWine_CabernetSauvignon_261&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=&utm_campaign=Google_Shopping_Smart_CA_Relaunch&showpromo=true&promo=PSCASE10&gclid=Cj0KCQjwpNr4BRDYARIsAADIx9wTNMJgAuhl1zWgoZEny8NAfa4vYZmIzTH446JIQfJ5NE9upZGPAGgaAk0eEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds#promoBarModal

#adam driver #adamdriver #kylo ren #kylo trash #kylo x reader #modern kylo ren #clyde logan #flip zimmerman #phillip altman #toby grisoni #jamie massey

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evansnjames · 7 years ago

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No Headlights in Paradise (7/13)

Sorry for the long delay – but I 100% intend to finish this story and for anyone who is still out there, hope you enjoy

Chapter 7 – Separation was Temporary

Summary: Timing wasn’t right. Love decided they didn’t belong… Follow the story of James & Lily through Hogwarts to the Order of Phoenix were time is their looming adversary.

You can read it from the start at ff.net!

Song choice: Street Lights – Kanye West

The chalk scratching against the blackboard wasn't sharp enough so it kept screeching against itself, and that was the only thing Lily heard throughout her class. Originally, she had intended to take thorough notes to distract herself, yet when she had lifted her quill and tried listening to her Professor… it was as if her brain couldn't follow. She wrote in slow motion, paid attention in slow motion, listened in slow motion as if every thought registered heavy with emotion. So even though she had originally decided to take notes, Lily quickly realized staring at the fluttering of ravens circling the oak tree, listening to the chalk, and sinking into that feeling of desperation made more sense, anyways.

When the class concluded, Lily sluggishly started moving, every effort feeling as if it was extraneous and Lily thinking how did everyone put their winter garments on so quickly. She pulled on her blue backpack and prepared to exit when she heard her name lightly being called from the front of the room.

She looked over to see the Teacher's Assistant half sitting on the desk staring at her intently. She took a deep, reluctant breath and faced Smetty.

"Hey," she said faintly.

He gave her a simple look that had Lily looking down at the floor as he waited for the rest of the class to leave before waving his wand and shutting the door.

"Listen, Lily, I don't know what happened over Christmas. It's not like me to ambush anyone but you've avoided me and I just want to make sure you're okay. You look ill."

She bit her lip, trying to elude his concerned stare. Everyone had been so concerned with her since she had returned from break. Sienna had attempted to keep her busy and take her out but she had snapped, wanting to be alone. When the boys had come over, she hadn't left her room and when Smetty knocked on her door she had pointedly ignored him. She had known that eventually this confrontation would happen but the heartbreak of having James and then losing James was all to consuming. Smetty didn't deserve her sorrow show after he had already witnessed it once before. In all honestly, Smetty deserved someone much better than her, someone who didn't go chasing daydreams instead of solid, reliable people, like Smetty.

"I'm… sorry for avoiding you."

"There's nothing to be sorry about, but I do want to check in with you. What's going on?"

She bit the inside of her cheek and finally looked up at him, pulling her scarf further around her neck. She tried to answer but no words escaped and she looked at him a bit helplessly. "I'm just… tired."

He shook his head and crossed his arms. "Why don't you take a seat," pointing to the front row.

Lily lamely fell into one of the chairs and waited.

"Lily, you're my friend but you're also one of my my students and I'm concerned. Since classes have started I noticed you barely pay attention and of course I don't want you falling behind as once you fall behind in the Field Healer Program it becomes extremely difficult to catch up. It makes me wonder if the department was wrong in letting you in when so many other students were interested."

"I know, I know," Lily said uselessly. "This is important to me, I promise. I'll, I'm going to get my act together."

"I know this is uncomfortable because we are friends… Or at least I thought we were before the holiday."

She swallowed painfully and stumbled out, "We are friends."

He snorted, "Maybe once more with feeling."

She gave out a hapless shrug and looked at him with a sad smile. "I'm sorry that I've been… unfair to you. You deserve much better than me."

"How about I decide what I deserve, yeah?" he said firmly, causing a soft smile to grace Lily's lips. "How about just telling me what's going on. You come home and Sienna is running around declaring she has a boyfriend and you're locked in your room not coming out. We're all just confused. And too be honest, I had hopes something would happen between us. Now I'm just worried."

She stared into his bright blue eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that," he laughed out humorlessly. "It's fine if you changed you're mind about going out with me-"

"It's not that, I mean, a bit yes but it's not because of you," she mumbled.

He didn't say anything but waited patiently and Lily groaned inwardly.

"I ran into, into that guy from Hogwarts that I had told you about…" Her mouth went dry as she sought the words best to explain but came out blank considering she didn't even know how to explain it to herself. "Anyways, it ended, badly, and well, I've been a mess ever since."

"Right."

They stayed there in pregnant silence that had Lily twitching uncomfortably with her hands and left severely unsure what her next step should be. "Look, I'm so sorry about all this-"

He waved his hand. "That's unnecessary, Lily. Things happen, that's timing and our decisions. I would only be a hypocrite if I tried telling you different or to tell you to hold back onto your feelings. Because I think the feeling of regret is worse. I will say though… eventually we all have to learn and I hope this time with that guy, you learned something about yourself." Lily stared at him stunned but he wasn't finished. "But you are still my student and you're already far behind. The semester started two weeks ago and the only thing you've accomplished is staring out the window. I'm assuming this happened in all your other courses?"

Lily nodded dumbly.

"Very well. Will you meet me round the library tomorrow, say five?"

"You want to help me after all this?" Lily asked confused.

"Lily, before anything else you are my friend. I see you in distress and I want to help. I think it would be a shame for you to fail your classes because of heartbreak. I was attracted to your because of your overwhelming potential. If I get something out of it… well, that's only a bonus."

She stared open-mouthed at him and he finally let out a reluctant smile that had Lily smiling too. "I don't deserve this."

He gave her a half smirk and shrug, "Maybe, but like I said, I'll be the judge of that. It's funny how hard people are on themselves for only feeling. Emotions, feelings, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Everything is a lesson and it's about learning from those situations that we can grow."

She swallowed and got up and before she thought too much about it, hugged him. "Thank you. Really."

He laid a hand on her shoulder and gave her a grim smile. "I can't say I'm doing this hundred percent unselfishly but you're welcome."

She gave him a kind smile in return and let go. "I can't… I can't promise anything."

He raised his hands innocently, "Let's just get you caught up first, okay?"

"Okay."

Lily dragged herself to her apartment, the talk with Smetty awakening something within her but also taking up much of her depleted energy. It didn't help that it was overcast and started raining on her way back home. Brilliant, she thought dramatically, exactly what she had needed after her ass kicking from Smetty.

She dropped her wet school bag on the doorway uncaringly, hung her winter jacket, hat and scarf before slumping off to the kitchen looking for comfort food. Her hands were frozen and she immediately waved her wand towards the pot to boil water.

"Sienna," she called out as she searched through their empty refrigerator.

"Hey," Sienna called from her room, "When did you get back?"

"Just now," as she put out a cup with mint tea. She poured the hot water into the glass and added honey. "Want tea?"

"Nah," she said as she finally walked out of the room and sat on their couch. "Should we start a fire? I'm straight up freezing. I never thought January could be colder than December."

Lily laughed as she brought the hot mug to her lips and sighed into the warmth as Sienna magically created them a cozy fire. She joined Sienna on the couch and they watched the flames lick together for a moment before Sienna turned to her. "How was your day?"

Lily shrugged and took another sip. "Smetty pulled me aside after class."

"What? What he say?" Sienna asked way too excited.

"He just kicked my ass. Told me I needed to get my act together… but he was also, very understanding, like much to kind honestly. Offered to help me with all my schoolwork because he noticed I hadn't been paying attention in class."

"That's considerate of him, considering… well, you know, that he wants to go out with you."

Lily looked over at her and groaned. "I told him, that, well I told him I saw someone over the break and that I couldn't promise anything."

"Oh, and he still offered to tutor you?"

Lily shrugged and looked at the flames. "I wish we had a telly, maybe we should invest in that considering we are both Muggles."

"Lily! We aren't Muggles, we are witches. And stop it," Sienna said and then grabbed her hand. "How are you?"

"I told you, fine." Sienna gave her a no nonsense stare but Lily ignored it. "Sienna, I'm fine."

"C'mon," Sienna said but Lily interrupted her.

"Stop, Sienna. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, but Lily you haven't spoken about it at all since that morning."

Lily jumped up in frustration. "Because I don't want too! What can't you understand about that? And anyways, aren't you Sirius Black's girlfriend? Why on earth would I say anything to you when you would probably blab to Sirius who would tell James?"

"Lily!" Sienna said getting up too and moving towards her but Lily moved away, lifting her hands in warning.

"Please just stop. You got your happy ending, Sirius committed to you. I'm happy for you but please just just let it go."

"Lily, it's nothing like that-"

But Lily had already marched towards her room and slammed the door shut. She leaned heavily against her door and shut her eyes. She was well aware she had overreacted, and was rude to her best friend. But it was like she couldn't help the boiling emotions within her because every time she did think about it… all she would be able to think about was how unfair it all was. How silly, and frustrating and ridiculous. Because if Sirius could be with Sienna, why couldn't they be together? None of it made sense, none of it was coming together and for Lily, it seemed the answers she so desperately sought would only evade her.

So she didn't want to talk about it or think about it or take it in. He had disappeared like a prat in heat. She hadn't even been warranted a goodbye like a proper human. So no, she didn't want to think about it or talk about it or consider it. She wanted to forget about the humiliation of that day staring at Sirius like the world's biggest twit whose non-boyfriend left her again.

So instead of not thinking about it she locked herself in her room, in a place where absolutely nothing reminded her of him and if it did she could burn it into flame. School was a bit more complicated considering she was in the Field Healer Program, but considering he wasn't an Auror at all, made it less complex then it needed to be.

She heard a knock on her door, and opened it to see Sienna leaning coolly against her doorframe with raised eyebrows.

"I'm sorry," Lily muttered embarrassed to a Sienna who just rolled her eyes and waved her off.

"It's not okay, but I understand."

Lily hugged her then because she was the closet person she had, and Sienna hugged her back tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

They hugged for a few more moments before Sienna let go and looked at her. "Listen, we don't need to talk about it but I can't watch you sulk anymore."

"I'm not sulking."

Sienna gave Lily a pointed look. "Whatever you want to call it but let's go out. Spend some time with the guys. It can't do you any harm, you know…"

Lily tried to ignore this suggestion but realized Sienna Montgomery could never be ignored, and even more than that, she was right. "How can we go out with the guys when you're dating Sirius? Won't it be weird with Caleb?"

Sienna rolled her eyes. "Please, be real. First of all Caleb and me were casual. Second of all, we made no commitments – him to me or the opposite. And anyways, I ran into him in the hallway a few days ago and all is good. I can assure you that he is not heartbroken and has moved on quite undoubtedly."

Lily cracked a grin and then gave a big sigh. "Fine, maybe one drink. But to tell you the truth I'm not really in the mood."

Sienna approached her and sat on her bed and stroked her hair. "Lily, it's okay to be sad. What James did was really fucked up." Lily flinched at his name and Sienna gave her a sad smile. "But you're not alone in this, okay? Not like last time and not like all those years in Hogwarts. Maybe you don't remember but what made you feel better was going out and having a good time. Staying in and thinking whatever it is you're thinking isn't going to help."

"It would help if you stopped be right all the time."

Sienna laughed as she got up. "I told the boys we would meet them at nine at the pub. Don't make me have to dress you myself."

Lily successfully dressed herself in black jeans and long black-sleeved shirt. She tied her hair back neatly in a pony tail and followed Sienna as they strolled together to the pub, Lily having serious déjà vu to their first go around. The idea made her heart sink further down her chest.

They walked silently and Lily couldn't help but notice many of the shops now had defense charms glowing around them, only reminding Lily of the delicate precedent they were living in… the reason her and James couldn't be together.

"It's getting insane, isn't it?" Sienna whispered even though it was a Friday night and tons of people were milling around them.

"The increased security?"

"Even in Muggle areas."

Lily nodded in agreement as they kept walking. People were walking a bit more hushed if she paid attention with their heads down and those Lily recognized as wizards or witches continually kept their hands near their sides, close to their wands. It was unnerving and yet, Lily wondered if the other side, the dark side was also walking in constant fear.

As the two arrived to the pub, Lily couldn't help but give a sigh of relief and then annoyance.

"Lily," Sienna warned. "We agreed that going out was what you needed."

"Yeah, yeah," Lily muttered as Sienna literally dragged her through the sticky floor to their group of friends. "My mood has changed multiple times since then."

Sienna laughed at her as they spotted the boys and pushed through the throng of drunk and noisy people.

They reached the table to cheerful hellos, and Lily made eye contact with Smetty whom she shot a shy smile. He scooted over on his side of the bench. "There's room."

She nodded awkwardly. "Thanks, yeah."

She slid in and felt instantly tense even though Sienna and the rest were already getting along gallantly.

"You know, the last time I saw Lily and Sienna they were pissed out of their minds," Samson said as he drank heartily from his pint. "I saw the beginning of Sienna and Black, it was very drunk, mind you."

They boys laughed, and Sienna didn't even pretend to be phased. "Speaking of getting pissed…" Sienna said pointedly at Samson who was closet to the bar. "I think it might be time for another round, this time with me and Lils."

Samson saluted her. "Ma'am, yes, ma'am," imitating the American Southern accent Sienna sometimes had when she was plastered.

Samson called over the waitress and ordered two rounds of pitchers.

"Where did you guys run into each other?" Smetty asked.

"At the Potter's Christmas party," Samson replied to a round of snorts. Lily looked up interestedly as they gave Samson grief.

"Of course, you prat," Caleb said, smacking him over the head..

"Ugh, the high society of you," Ezra remarked.

"Oi, you lot are just jealous and what exactly was I going to do, not spend Christmas Eve with my parents?"

"A problem with the Potter's?" Sienna asked looking at them perplexed.

"No problem," Caleb retorted. "Oh, unless you count the whole old British pureblood traditional society thing."

"What?" Lily said, her eyebrows scrunching in instant defense as she tried to hold in the glaring daggers coming out of her eyes. "The Potter's are some of the biggest Muggle supporters I have ever met!"

Caleb raised his hands while Ezra whistled pretending to hold the two back. "Lils, you're right. No need to get testy but there's no denying the Potter's and all their friends are pureblood society. They support the Muggle cause obviously because it's the right thing to do but you don't see them debasing themselves with us lowlifes much, do you?"

"Of course they would support the Muggles!" Caleb whispered sarcastically, ignoring Sienna's jab in his direction. "Hey there, just because your boyfriend lives with them doesn't change the fact that the Potter's are socialites."

"Might I remind you, you two aren't exactly Muggles or half-bloods yourself," Sienna shot.

"Of course, but we forgot something, oh yeah, that whole rich, pureblood, Wizarding history families thing," Ezra explained. "Somewhere along the line there is a difference."

"You two the daftest people I have ever met," Sienna said in a bitingly bored tone that caused Caleb to clutch his heart.

"You heart me, love," Caleb said mockingly, and they continued bickering between each other.

"They're like an old married couple," Ezra asserted as he slapped a hand around Caleb's mouth and Samson across Sienna's.

"Finally some peace," Samson commented. "Now if we release you two children, promise not to fight?"

The two laughed in agreement, as the waitress returned with their drinks.

"How did you even score an invite?" Ezra asked Samson.

Lily tensed up at the return to the subject, and Smetty glanced her in question.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

Lily nodded. She internally chided herself for being so physically uncomfortable at the mention of James Potter that even Smetty noticed.

"My parents are old friend's of the Potter's," Samson answered. "I go every year. Actually, Fenwick was there too."

"No kidding!" Ezra said. "How is he?"

"Posh as ever, but good. When I ran into these two smashed ladies he was there."

Sienna smirked. "It was a fun party."

"Surprised you even remember it," Samson said in jest that had Sienna shoving him.

"What's Fenwick up to these days?" Ezra asked. "Didn't he go to the Auror Academy?"

"Yeah, but he runs in a totally new crowd, I didn't recognize half the people he introduced me too. Do you see him in reserves, Smetty?"

Smetty nodded. "Occasionally."

Samson shrugged. "He actually spent a good portion with Fabian and Gideon Prewett, you guys remember them?"

"Merlin, those two! God, they used to drive Flinch up the wall," Caleb said taking a good drink from his pint. "Surprised they were invited."

"They seemed good friend with the Potter heir, James," Samson mocked.

All three of the boys laughed hard at the remark and Lily looked down at her fingers, ignoring Sienna's concerned glance and scrunching up the feeling to defend James.

Caleb looked over at Sienna. "And how were you two invited to the social event of the year?"

She gave him a sardonic look. "You realize that Lily was in Gryffindor with James Potter for seven years, right?"

"Bullocks, I forget you were in Gryffindor, Lily. You are so the Ravenclaw type," Caleb laughed and Lily reluctantly looked up and gave him a small smile.

"Nope, Gryffindor," she said over her racing heart.

"And you're the Slytherin type, but the Sorting Hat is known to have made a few mistakes in its time," Ezra retorted as Caleb threw a napkin at him.

Lily swallowed hard and looked down again, trying to compose herself when she heard Smetty say her name quietly. Her sad eyes met him. "Are you okay?"

"Been better."

He glanced around the crowded pub then back at her. "Want me to take you home?"

At his comment, Sienna glanced over and saw the distress consuming Lily. "Are you okay, what's up?"

Everyone now looked at her and she tensed up, desperately not wanting any of the attention to be on her. She just wasn't ready for it. "I just uh I was feeling dizzy. No worries."

"You look pale, Lils," Ezra commented but Lily shrunk from his touch and stood up.

"I think I might get some air."

"I'll come with," Sienna said as she led Lily outside and for a second Lily forgot how cold it was as she inhaled the fresh air and her thoughts relaxed into one beating sound.

"What happened in there?" Sienna asked lightly. "If you don't want to talk about it we don't have too but we're all worried about you. I really thought for a second you might pass out."

Lily took another deep breath and looked into the dark sky and up at the moon. She wondered if James was looking at the moon right then. She felt a burning on her chest suddenly and knew it was from the stag necklace James had given her that even with all the heartbreak, she just couldn't take it off.

"It just got too hot in there, is all."

They leaned against the biting brick wall and Lily inhaled an icy breath watching the glowing streetlights. She felt so disconnected from her her former self, from her original plans and ideas, and they seemed so out of reach in that moment because all she wanted, all she had ever wanted was that notion of true love… true love with James.

"It's been two weeks," she whispered. "And sometimes I'm not even sure if it happened."

"Lily…"

"I just don't even know how to move on, how to breath anymore. Last time hurt but this feels impossible," Lily cried as tears started pouring out and Sienna took her into her arms and hugged her soundly. "It's not fair, it's just not fair."

So she finally let herself cry, there was nothing else to do but give up. "He hasn't even written me, you know?" Lily sniffled, looking up at her best friend. "I mean Sirius has written you, right?"

Sienna nodded at the empty question and Lily swallowed painfully. "None of it makes any sense, I just want it to make sense, I just want him. Why doesn't he want me enough?"

Lily cried utterly devastated and held on because she had nothing to else to hold on too. James had told her loved her, that they were supposed to be together… so why weren't they together? Nothing about it made any sense and that confusion tormented her. Because Lily was logical and rational, she was good at puzzles and challenges, and this time every time she tried to connect the dots they slipped through her fingers. It was completely out of her control no matter how hard she tried or hoped for it.

Tears streamed down her cold face, and Sienna came forward and tried wiping them away but more just replaced them. "I'm so sorry, Lils. You don't deserve this."

But somewhere, deep inside, Lily wondered, maybe she did deserve it. Because hadn't she known James could react like this? Hadn't he reacted like this before?

"I keep justifying everything he does in my head, you know? But it's like the second I take it out of context and I just think about what he did…" Lily bit her lip painfully. "Like I know him, I know him so well but it's like he left. He said all these beautiful things and let me feel all these feelings but he still left. I mean… if someone treated you that way, in less than five seconds I would tell you to toss him. Why should I look at myself any differently?"

"Then maybe that's your answer, Lily," Sienna said softly as she stroked her hair.

Lily shrugged vulnerably. "I don't know what to believe anymore. You know, James..." and she laughed remembering the way Filch used to chase him down the corridors. "He would always get in trouble at Hogwarts but he was just so clever, always five steps ahead of everyone else, and he knew it. And it's just the same here.

"He left it in the unknown so I wouldn't know and he wouldn't know. And now this, its as if I'm almost forced to wait around for him so that whenever he does reappear, and he will eventually… I would be waiting for him. And to him it's almost like he doesn't care that I'm upset because he thinks with time he can fix it that I'll just give into him."

"So don't."

Lily blinked. "You're right."

"No, not 'you're right'. Don't wait for him!" Lily stared blankly at her and Sienna almost wanted to grin but refrained herself. "Do something, join a club, get perfect scores, go out with Smetty, anything! But don't wait around for James, not again."

"You know for a moment, I really thought I had closed this corner that… that we would really end up together."

"I know," Sienna said softly.

"I wouldn't know how to go about it," Lily said grimly, picking at a loose lace on her scarf. "I still can't believe I need to start over again."

"It's not so hard and I'll help. I'm excellent."

Lily cracked a sad smile. "I'm so heartbroken."

Sienna put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a grin. "Lily, it's okay but don't fall down the drain. You are so great it would be such a shame for you to be stunted because of heartbreak from James! Again! The one thing I learned from grieving my mom was that either you can give into your sadness and become a victim of your circumstances or you grow from it. Prove it to yourself because I already know you have it."

A touched tear slipped down her cheek as she hugged Sienna. "Thanks."

"Of course. But do it for yourself," Sienna said taking her by the shoulders and looking at her firmly. "I can't do it for you."

Lily nodded wondering how she had let herself get here.

And so it went. Lily created a daily routine to ensure a new sense of stability. She woke up, poured herself a cup of hotly brewed coffee, ate a healthy breakfast, collected herself for school and faked it till she made it. She began going to daily yoga classes with Sienna, joined a book club, and focused on her studies. When she found herself drifting in class, falling into her own memories, she would visually imagine herself putting a block charm on James and pushed forward.

It wasn't cement and some days were harder than others but the routine started working and slowly but surely the color returned to her face. If she could get over James once, she could do it again, she reminded herself on a daily basis. And one day, a few weeks later, in the middle of pouring herself coffee and sitting on her couch, admiring the frosted window, she realized James hadn't been her first thought that morning. That alone was such a victory that Lily let out a laugh.

"What are you laughing about?" Sienna said walking passed her into the kitchen.

Lily kept smiling and shrugged. "Just a good morning, I guess."

"More like freezing morning! I can't take it anymore! My feet were frozen this morning, frozen!" Sienna complained as she wiped out her wand and began preparing eggs. "Do you want breakfast?"

Lily shook her head as she got up, wrapping her light morning robe tighter around her. Sienna liked to complain but she wasn't wrong, it did feel like the never-ending winter in Cornwall. It was darker and more morose outside, and initially Lily had imagined it had just been her attitude but with the improvements in her life the weather had stayed the same, actually getting worse. Walking at night to the city center felt almost impossible because the cold was inescapable but also it became almost eerie. It was commonplace now to see the glow of defense shield's on Wizarding shops, yet, it was the news that raised the hair on Lily's spine. The rise of attacks on Muggle-borns and Muggles became so commonplace that the reporting of them became so casual it left trepidation in her heart.

Lily shook her head of her dark thoughts. "No thanks, I need to get to the library to meet with Smetty."

Sienna attempted to keep acting casually that caused Lily to smile softly at her. "You've been spending a lot of time with Smetty lately."

"He's been helping me with my studies," Lily stated.

And because it was true. Smetty was helping her just with her studies, and anything besides that even left Lily wondering if he still wanted more. But Lily was most definitely not going to say anything about her observation to Sienna. For someone who was going out with James Potter's best friend, she sure did want her to move on quickly.

"Oh well," Sienna said disappointedly. "Maybe with Valentine's Day coming up he might ask you to do something? Did y'all talk about it?"

"I honestly forgot about Valentine's Day to tell you the truth but I doubt it. I told you, I'm not ready."

"I know, I know you aren't ready but Lily come on, maybe dating someone else will help you become ready."

Lily rolled her eyes good naturedly, "Who knows but either way I think it's one step at a time and right now I'm just focusing on not failing this semester."

"Whatever you say," Sienna shrugged as she started eating her eggs. "Uh, by the way…" Sienna started and Lily already knew what she was about to say by the tone of her voice and tried desperately to pretend her heart wasn't sinking deep into her body. "Sirius is coming up for Valentine's Day weekend."

Lily swallowed her un-comfortableness and smiled at her best friend. "That's great."

Sienna looked over at her, both of them knowing Sirius had been to visit two times already and Lily had somehow been able to become sparse and avoid Sirius completely. "We would love it if you came to dinner with us."

Lily paused. "On Valentine's Day?"

"Well, I guess?" Sienna laughed and then paused. "He really wants to see you. He's mentioned it a few times."

"We'll see, I think I have a test anyways that I need to study for."

They both knew she didn't have a test this time or the times before but Lily wasn't about to have a dinner or even a five minute conversation with James's best friend. She finally didn't think about him this morning meaning she was finally improving and she wasn't about to put herself hundred steps backwards.

When she closed the door to her room and started pulling her jeans and blouse on, she knew, if she was honest with herself, that she was desperate to hear any inkling or trace of James. To hear if he was safe or injured, hurt or… thinking about her. But she had to sternly remind herself that he disappeared, from her! That's when she would purposefully return herself back to that horrible morning were nothing but thin air had met her. And as far as she concerned that was a break up. A horrible, immature and unnecessary break up, but a break up all the same.

Lily pouted at her textbook as the words seemed to scramble on the page and she was sure she wasn't imagining it. "This stuff is so complicated and I think I sprained my wrist from flicking my hand so much."

Smetty laughed and picked up her limp wrist and watched it fall helplessly onto the desk. "It might be complicated but your really are a natural."

Lily looked over at him. "You're just saying that to be nice."

"I'm not," he said seriously. "I only say what I mean."

Lily looked into his intense eyes, and knew deep in her soul that he truly meant that. "Thank you."

"No need," he said as he pushed back from the table and stretched his arms and Lily couldn't help but admiring his built body. James looked good too, for sure, but Smetty… he was a man. Not just because his fitness was impeccable but the way he responded and reacted to situations, the way he took his life and studies seriously. The fact that he was in Healer reserves and went out to the battlefield monthly. It was attractive, Lily wouldn't deny that.

"Smetty?" Lily asked.

"Yeah?"

"What do you do in reserves?"

It was something she had been thinking about recently, especially as they grew closer. She noticed he seemed to have them more frequently then before. Caleb, Ezra or Samson never seemed to broach the topic and she wondered if they just had private conversation about it.

But for Lily, the war was looming. She had felt it in Hogwarts with Severus, and the more she read, the more she felt strangely connected to it. She wondered if it was because she was Muggle born or the fact that many of her friends were now in the thick of it. But something deep inside her was telling her to pay attention and take notice because soon enough it would also be her reality.

"What do you mean?" he asked slowly as if trying to process her question.

"I've been thinking more about the war, and I've noticed you've been gone more then usual and I wonder how safe you are."

"I'm… safer than most."

"What does that mean?"

Smetty took a thoughtful breath. "Why are you asking me this?"

"I'm curious…" she said simply. "I can't help wondering were you are when you are gone, if you are okay… I mean, we are friends, right?"

"Right," he said slowly. "Lily… I know you have a lot of friends-"

Lily shook her head vehemently. "That's not why I am asking. I mean do… have a lot of friends out there and I worry about them but… I worry about you too. It's like this huge thing is happening but I'm in a bubble and lately… I mean the weather has been horrid and I can't help thinking the war has something to do with it. And I feel like I should be doing something, anything to help."

"You're studying to become a Field Healer, that's more then most."

"What's it like?"

Smetty contemplated his answer. "It can be dark and cold, and you see things you wish for no one."

Lily waited patiently, waiting for him to continue. "I don't want to distress you, Lily. Or tempt you away from being a Field Healer."

"I'm not made from sugar!"

Smetty gave her a grim smile and she squeezed his hand. "I'm safer than most because Field Healer's are rarely in the field itself, I usually remain in the base so its quiet. But then in one moment it's not quiet and they bring you what's left of someone, sometimes someone you know and it's disgusting. Or you see curses that you couldn't believe exist. It's death in the youth, and you consider the value of humanity. How it starts and ends with ideology, how we are so easily run, one side by this Dark Lord and the other by the Ministry."

"The Ministry but I thought they were the good guys…"

"It's like this, Lily. You read the news and listen to the radio, right?" She nodded her head. "They're all these wise guys telling us over and over again that there is no solution to this conflict. They preach the concept of 'managing the conflict'. But when you've see what I've seen, and I'm talking about people you know missing their limbs, life sucked out of them, blood everywhere and them depending on you to save them… you realize that 'managing the conflict' will look exactly like last summer and the summer before that. It means another Auror operation and a third, and fourth, and fifth. Its constant wands at the ready and iron boots and beatings. It's disarray in the Ministry and Muggle beatings until the collapse of the International Statue of Secrecy and the further rise of Death Eaters, or an even more extreme and more fanatical factions than Death Eaters. This is what's happening, in my eyes."

Lily was fascinated at his words because the war, the conflict, it had always seemed to her about wands and power but she never thought about the afterwards, what would happen when Voldermort was defeated? What did that mean?

"Maybe something will surprise us, and the conflict will poof," Lily joked as she tried to lightly change the subject away from the doom that was clearly getting to Smetty.

"I think sometimes only something extreme, unknown, needs to intervene for anything to change because right now, it will only be more of the same. The leadership today, even if You-Know-Who is defeated, they won't lead us to safer waters."

"Well let's hope for a poof then," Lily chimed.

They shook on it and stared at each other that had Lily's heart racing.

"I was wondering something myself."

"Yeah?"

"Why you insisted on studying on a Friday night, on Valentine's Day weekend?"

"Oh," Lily said sitting up and then nervously wondering if she was ruined any plans for him. "I'm sorry, did you have plans?"

He shook his head. "No," and Lily was surprised but how relieved she was. "But I figured even if you were trying to distract yourself from something, you wouldn't need to study on a Friday night in the school library to do so."

"I… I was avoiding something in our block of flats."

Smetty raised his eyebrows and Lily bit her lip. They had never really broached the subject of why Lily was so intent on her studies or requested so many study sessions since there one conversation at the start of the semester but even so, Smetty had been right. Usually they would study in one of their apartments, not drag each other to the school library in the middle of the freezing winter.

"I was avoiding Sienna's boyfriend," Lily finally said.

Smetty looked over at her keenly, almost patiently as he waited for her to go on.

"I was dating- I'm assuming you figured it out already but I've had this complicated… relationship with-"

"James Potter," Smetty filled in.

Lily nodded uncomfortably. "And Sienna's boyfriend is his best friend and I just… I don't… I don't want to see him. I don't want reminders of him right now. Not when I'm doing so well anyways," Lily stated almost to herself. "I've come so far and seeing Sirius now, talking to him, returning to that place? Wouldn't that just be putting myself back there? Like I would be choosing the pain? At some point when I was staring at my ceiling for the millionth time I just said to myself if I keep choosing this, if I keep going back then I deserve it."

"Lily, you didn't deserve…"

"No, it's true. I mean everyone always says: 'you deserve better' but at some point everyone needs to stop and think to themselves that if they keep choosing the same situation, knowing how it's going to end then at some point I do deserve it. I'm choosing it and if I go back to the apartment right now and Sirius will be there and know him enough, myself enough, that he will talk to me about James and I want too. I may not be strong enough to face Sirius but I can choose better than placing myself there in the first place."

Lily stopped her short ramble, almost bursting with joy at the information she had shared because she realized how true it was, how strongly she felt it. Everything with James always did end the same. She had to learn how to choose better, for herself, because returning to those feelings… nothing good was ever going to happen. James had made his decision, and so had she.

"That's a very mature outlook," Smetty said and Lily had almost forgotten he was there.

"I uh sorry… I guess I had been feeling that for a while and it just sort of… came out."

Smetty shot her a smile and she bit the inside of her cheek as his hand slowly reached out to caress her hair. "I'm glad."

"About what?" she said breathlessly.

"That you are starting to move on."

Lily swallowed hard at the way he was looking at her and her heart pounded in fear and hope that he was about to kiss her but he didn't move and instead her hand came up to cup his own that was holding her neck lightly.

"I want to ask you out but I don't want to hear 'no' again."

"I… I don't know if I am ready, it might be too soon and…" she sputtered out.

He looked at her and Lily thought he would finally kiss her but again he didn't move. "I think you're ready," he said with full certainty that only Smetty pulled off that had Lily believing him.

"Okay then."

Smetty smiled a deep satisfied smile that pierced her.

"Okay then."

Lily skipped as she enjoyed the light rays of sunshine peaking through the clouds. The sun was coming out and winter was slowly turning into spring though it still felt very far off with final exams imminent. But she decided to enjoy the slight warmth for what it was.

She had been dating Smetty for almost two months. He was definitely more mature, more well-balanced and confident then anyone she had ever met. He was intelligent, rational and dependable, not to mention good looking. He had an ease to him that made those around him instantly feel assured in his opinions or decisions. There was no doubt in her mind that Smetty would be an excellent Healer.

Was she madly in love? No… but maybe passion wasn't what she needed. She had had that all consuming love affair and look how well that had ended. She could see a content life with Smetty, a stable one. And that was something James had never offered her. For Lily realized that love disappeared so what did she want to be left with?

Lily waved as she saw Sienna standing near the exit of campus. "Hey!"

"Hey," Sienna said taking her elbow as they walked towards the city center to meet the boys. "You're looking chipper today."

"I am," Lily said with a real smile.

And Lily really felt that way. Yes, James broke her. There were some nights when she was alone that she felt the sting of loneliness so acutely she couldn't breath but dating Smetty helped. Having friends, going out, being active all helped, and time eventually eased the sting. What other option did she have? James disappeared, never reached out, and she refused to wallow in her own self-pity, not when so many people were reaching out.

Hogwarts had been so miserable, and she had always yearned for friendship and finally she had it. James was a big part of the reason Hogwarts was so lonely. James had treated Severus horribly, made her a walking target that caused most of the girls to avoid her or not understand why she would not date the James Potter, and then when James had inadvertently ruined her relationship with Severus, he had become her best friend only to take that away when he felt it no longer suited him. And still, she had remained friendless.

Yes, she was in love with James Potter. But James Potter wasn't showing up and she was done waiting around she reminded herself vehemently.

So Lily was going to lunch with her friends with a real smile on her face. When they reached the café, Lily sat next to Smetty and kissed him lightly to the awws of everyone. She rolled her eyes and felt comforted by the arm around her shoulder.

Their relationship was calm. The lust wasn't the same but it existed. His sincerity was attractive and when they slept together she felt how present he was. Smetty would never disappear after sleeping with her and if he ever felt the need to break up with her, he told her himself: "They would discuss it like mature adults."

"What are everyone's plans for tonight?" Samson asked.

"What do you feel like?" Ezra asked.

"With finals about to begin I feel like we need to take this opportunity to rage before we are stuck in the stacks for weeks."

"I'm in," Caleb said.

"Same," Sienna said throwing her hand in. Caleb put his hand on hers and then Ezra and Samson joined. They four of them looked at Smetty and Lily who blushed as his fingers moved down her back.

"I think we'll pass," Smetty said as Lily tried to stop her cheeks from turning a bright red.

"Ugh!" Caleb said slamming his head against the table. "Couples!"

Lily laughed along with everyone else but felt cozy in her spot.

Smetty had long ago fallen asleep but Lily laid awake behind him, looking out her window to watch the stars. Smetty's arm around her waist felt heavy and she tried closing her eyes again to fall asleep but when she did all she saw was James's face after their first kiss and the way his eyes lit up and he had whispered how long he had waited for this, and how she had looked back at him with such yearning.

She forced her eyes open. Smetty grunted in his sleep behind her as she had flinched involuntarily. She decided to get up then, twisting out of his embrace; it wasn't like she was sleeping anyways. So she slipped on her soft, purple dressing gown and slippers, and lightly shut the door as she walked over to the porch and sat on the couch they had set up there. She lightly waved her wand to administer a heating charm and sat snugly observing the sparkling stars.

Lily was moving forward but James didn't disappear into the dark of night, sometimes when she was least in control he would pop into her mind like tonight. There were brief, but foolish moments, when if she closed her eyes hard enough she could feel James behind her instead of Smetty.

It was difficult forgetting true love when it was still alive.

The necklace Smetty had given her for Christmas was burning against her neck, not in discomfort but easing warmth. She had originally taken it off and hidden it alongside the one James had given her. But Smetty had asked her about it one evening so she dug it out of her jewelry box and left it on, ignoring, or trying to ignore the fact that everything about it reminded her of James. Some days it would burn with heat while others with a dull warmth. In the darkest pit of her soul she knew it had something to do with James but she shoved that thought far far down considering it was Smetty who had given her the present. And it was Smetty's arms she was laying in. She had made a decision.

James, after all, hadn't fought for them the way Lily had needed him too. She wasn't unreasonable, she understood somewhere in James's demented brain he believed he had been doing the 'right' thing. But just because he thought it was the right thing didn't make it the right thing, and that was something she could no longer justify for him.

A loud slamming of the front door stirred her from her daydreaming and she heard male laughter and giggling, and Lily smiled wondering which of the guys had followed Sienna home that evening. It was after all almost three o'clock in the morning. She heard clanging of the dishes and Lily opened the porch door intending to join the commotions considering she wasn't sleeping and her daydreams weren't healthy. When she stepped into the living room she gave an abrupt halt to see Sienna kissing a dark haired Sirius against the counter.

Sienna noticed her first and jumped, "Hey! What are you doing up?"

But Lily didn't move or react and stared at Sirius who turned around, his face cautious.

"Lily," Sirius nodded formally.

Lily glared at him, her arms crossed. "What are you doing here?"

"Lily!" Sienna yelped as she stood between the two but they both ignored her.

"It's my girlfriend's apartment," he remarked snidely. "Am I not allowed to visit?"

Lily turned her gaze towards her best friend. "Why didn't you tell me he was coming?"

Sienna stuttered. "I uh I didn't-"

"For Merlin's sake, she didn't know I was bloody coming," Sirius scowled. "And what would you have done? Hidden in your room until I left like every other time?"

"I have nothing to say to you," Lily said and turned to head back to her own room.

"I'm not the one who hurt you, you know? You don't need to be mad at me," Sirius called after her.

She twirled around in heat and glared fiercely at him. "Really? Sirius Black is innocent in all this? Are you telling me James never once mentioned me in the last four months to you? Or even better, you haven't seen him in four months or bothered to send me a letter telling me he is all right? Or convinced telling him to write me a goddamn letter explaining why he left me in the middle of the night after taking everything from me?!"

She was panting, her eyes tearing with the exhaustion and the betrayal of it all. Seeing Sirius, all those pent up emotions boiled out of her. Her feelings had never evaporated and seeing Sirius stand so openly in her kitchen only enraged her. Time had mended her but she hadn't forgotten especially when confronted with it in her kitchen in the middle of the night.

Sirius moved forward but she shoved him away. "No! You don't get to feel innocent here. I know you and James, if anyone could convince him of anything it would be you!"

"Lily," his voice softer, more understanding. "He's stubborn, you know this. He thinks he's right and he isn't listening to anyone or reason."

Lily just stood there, glaring knowing he was right but refusing to let go of her anger. Because she was angry and frustrated! It didn't need to be like this! So she cursed James and Sirius and the bloody war and Voldermort himself. It wasn't fair because she had wanted it so badly, and once more it had exploded in her face. There was not an inch of regret flowing through her body so how could it have ended so horribly?

If only she could have explained, or Sirius could have convinced him… but that thought disappeared instantly because Lily knew that people, in the end, made there own decisions based on their own opinions, and trying to explain otherwise was generally met on deaf ears. Her sister, after all, was Petunia.

"Lily."

The door to her room opened, and all sets of eyes switched to Smetty, who walked out pulling on a white t-shirt. Sirius's eyes turned from sympathetic to livid in two seconds. Lily looked over towards Sirius frantic, the panic spreading throughout her body slow to catch up to what her mind was already thinking. James could never know about Smetty.

She rushed towards Sirius, taking his hands in hers. "Sirius," she said anxiously.

"How could you stand in front of me just now and this was in your bedroom the entire time?" he uttered.

"That's not the point, you can't tell-"

"Lily, what's going on?" Smetty said calmly as he took Lily out of Sirius's grasp and looked down at her.

But her throat closed up and she looked back at Sirius who seemed to read her quickly. "Listen, mate, I need to talk to Lily for a second if you don't mind."

Smetty looked over at Sirius Black, his gaze flashing over him before looking down at Lily's distressed eyes. "I'll go home."

He let go of Lily and walked back towards her room and Lily looked at Sirius. "Don't move."

"Wouldn't dream of it," he said as she rushed after Smetty.

She closed the door behind her and watched as he dressed.

"It's not what you think," she finally said.

He paused for a second, and glanced at her, his face thoughtful. "Then tell me what to think."

Lily would always be staggered at his maturity, leaving her feel off center and like a complete child.

"I just, I don't want him to tell James about us."

Smetty pulled on his shoes and got up. "Why not?"

"James is… he's in this position right now… I can't really explain but-"

"He's in the Order of Phoenix."

Lily's mouth opened. "How, how do you know about that? Are you-"

"No, I'm not a member but sometimes they need to be patched up so I help out. And before you go thinking, no, I've never seen James in the field and if I had I would have told you."

"I thought it was a secret society…"

Smetty sighed as he walked towards her and put his arms around her waist. "It is but its complicated," he kissed her lightly and looked down at her. "Lily, do what you need to do but just know that I'm here, and I'm not going to disappear."

"I know," Lily responded looking deeply into his eyes hoping she could give him some of the same gusto she ever gave James.

"Okay," he said and kissed her cheek. "Talk to me tomorrow morning?"

She nodded as he Apparated from her arms. She looked at the blank space and took a deep breath before walking out to face Sirius. He was talking to Sienna, laughing at something she said but standing in the same exact place she had left him and she couldn't smiling. Sirius Black was definitely loyal, there was no denying that.

"Sirius," she said to get his attention.

"Evans," he said, his regular demeanor returning and Lily found comfort in something so simple. "Let's talk, yeah?"

She nodded and they walked towards her room, but she looked back at Sienna. "You don't mind?"

"Y'all go ahead," she said swishing them away.

Lily led them into her room and they sat on her bed and Lily sighed at the hilarity of it because this was not the Marauder she ever imagined gracing her bedroom.

"What are you laughing about?" Sirius asked her with raised eyebrows.

Lily sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "It's just… it so doesn't need to be like this and James, he made it so complicated."

"James, will always be the smartest person in the room and he knows it," Sirius said, looking at her intently. "So when he makes a decision he is so convinced of it, there's no explaining otherwise to him. And with you… Lily, he's scared shitless that something could happen to you. You're all he thinks about."

Lily felt her doe burn in that exact moment and she looked at Sirius. "Just don't tell him about Smetty, okay?"

"I won't, Lils but it will kill him when he does find out because he's going to convince himself eventually to come and find you, it's only a matter of time."

"He made his choice, Sirius. I think the wrong one but he didn't even let me have a say in it and what was I supposed to do? I can't keep waiting around for someone who… he just left me, Sirius. You saw… and it hurt, it still does."

"This thing with Smethwyck is serious?"

Lily bit her lip and nodded. "It's not not serious."

"And James?"

"I love him," Lily said helplessly and shrugged her shoulders. "But he disappeared and I was so sad."

"I heard."

"I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if James was ever coming back and I woke up one day and decided I can't choose misery for myself, I can't keep hoping when I know how this ends."

Sirius looked thoughtful and nodded. "I think he hoped you would wait for him."

"But he didn't tell me that, did he? I can't read his mind."

Sirius hugged her in that moment and she enjoyed the few seconds of the smell of woods filling her nostrils. "I've been wondering something."

Sirius looked at her with mock suspicion. "What have you been up too, Evans?"

"Nothing like that…" she started. "Did you tell Sienna about the Order of Phoenix?"

Sirius stilled, and Lily already knew her answer before he said anything. "No, and I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything."

"Why not?"

Sirius let her go and huffed. "It's better this way."

"The same way that James left me?" Lily demanded. "She has a right to know what her boyfriend is doing after dark, don't you think?"

"Lily, it's complicated and I don't want her to worry."

She paused and took in Sirius's words, and swallowed. "So there is reason to worry?"

He groaned as he got up and looked around the room. "What do you want, Lily?"

"I just want the truth! If not from James then at least from you, don't you think I deserve it, Sienna too?" Lily got up and stared at Sirius. "You told me once that I was your friend."

"You are!"

"Then I want to know what's going on! I can feel that something isn't right, the war, the news, the weather. I'm worried all the time. I just need to know that he is fine and safe. That you are too… that's all I want."

Sirius seemed to give up as he once more sunk to Lily's bed and put his head between his hands. "Look, Lily, it's just not my place. I know… I know James isn't here and he disappeared but he needs to be the one to tell you."

Lily sunk next to Sirius and leaned her head against his shoulder. This entire situation was fucked up.

"Does… does he ask about me at least?"

Sirius snorted. "I'm not joking, Lily, he thinks of nothing else. Every time I come back from visiting Sienna- he never outright asks but I know and he knows that I know what he wants."

"Well, I still think you should tell Sienna," Lily said defiantly, not letting Sirius words have a deep warming affect on her. It was terribly difficult.

The visit from Sirius stabilized and destabilized Lily. She concealed it well but in some pointed moments she couldn't escape the huge grin gracing her face at the idea that in that very same moment she was thinking about James, he would possibly be thinking about her too. Yet, with all the new information from Sirius it only complicated her feelings for Smetty. They remained together and though she gave Smetty a brief synopsis of their conversation, she kept hidden the most significant factor.

"I just wish exams were over," Lily complained as she banged her head against the textbook.

The boys laughed but Lily honestly felt like she was suffocating from the amount of exams she had. She had already completed two but still had another four, and two of them seemed like they crunched up all the light at the end of every tunnel.

"What should we do after exams?" Smetty asked Lily as she picked her head up to look at him.

"We should all take a trip to somewhere warm, maybe Croatia!" Ezra butted in.

"Yes!" Caleb chimed.

"I wasn't asking you," Smetty said dryly.

"Actually, Croatia sounds amazing," Lily said.

And just as suddenly an eagle Patronus burst into the room.

Everyone stared in awe as it said: "Hippocrates Smethwyck, this is an Order 4. You are requested to report to immediate duty. Please arrive in your reserve uniform at base Sphinx."

The Patronus disappeared and in came another for a different student. "Jacob Tolstoy, this is an Order 4. You are requested to report to immediate duty. Please arrive in your reserve uniform at base Chimaera."

Lily watched fascinated as student after student was called upon to report to their reserve duty, with them right away collecting their belongings and Apparating.

Lily looked over at Smetty who was preparing his bag. "Lily," he said gently.

"What's an Order 4? What's going on?" she said as he took her in his arms and hugged her.

"Just stay safe, okay? If you need me just send an Owl to my base. Samson explain," he kissed her then and though Lily had doubts she kissed him back with everything she could possibly give him.

He hugged her one last time and disappeared from her arms. She twisted around and looked at the boys who hadn't received a Patronus. "What was that?"

Caleb watched as everyone was frantically starting to send owls and speed through the Muggle radio for the Wizarding station. "A war must have broken out?"

"What?" Lily said urgently. "Wait, Samson," Lily said going over to him and grabbing him by the shoulders. "What's an Order 4, what just happened?"

"Smetty just got called up for reserves," Caleb said, looking back and forth from Ezra and Samson, apparently just as confused as they were. "Order 4 means…"

"Order 4 means immediate return. Like the operation begins tomorrow or tonight," Samson filled in.

Lily's panicked eyes met Sienna's whose own eyes matched hers because even though a minute ago she had been sitting with her boyfriend, her heart was pounding for James. And for the first time, her necklace wasn't burning.

The radio was finally working and throughout the room a dark voice filled the alarmed air.

"Today, the Ministry of Magic declared Operation Protective Green in light of recent open attacks on Muggles by the rebellion of He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and his Death Eaters," the anchor proclaimed. "In the early morning, the Auror's attacked Death Eater homes in Great Britain, Northern Ireland, Ireland and Scotland. They took possession of any dark magic and weapons found and arrested any known suspects and associates. Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Bartemius Crouch, defended the operation as necessary and the Wizarding world will not stop until a cease fire is reached stating threats of attacks from the Dark Forces will discontinue."

Lily stood motionless as she gaped at the radio in front of her and became deaf to the loud whispering in the background. She could feel Sienna behind her, breathing unsurely.

"Its been reported that the strike against the Dark Rebellion is not without cause, and the rebellion was prepared to invade the Ministry of Magic. Auror forces had been on alert for three weeks, but could not remain mobilized for an indefinite period of time. Apparently, the Ministry of Magic resources had been cut off because of infiltrators and the use of the Imperius Curse. Additionally, the Dark Lord's objective has been the toppling of the current Ministry of Magic and creating a new world order run by pure-bloods with Muggles kept in bondage and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named as the ruler.

"It has been known since He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named has declared himself the Dark Lord in 1970 that him and his rebellion refuse to coexist peacefully with the Wizarding world. Tensions had been heightened since the start of open attacks targeting Muggle-born and 'blood traitors' witches and wizards as well, the torturing and sometimes killing of these victims to those crimes.

"It's also become apparent that the Giants have allied with the Dark Forces. People around the Wizarding world are shocked by the events and this is the first time the British Ministry of Magic has struck openly against He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named rebellion. Folks," the radio announcer said, sounding earnest and Lily had to stop herself from touching the radio. "No matter what has happened, this has changed the face of the Wizarding world. We are witnessing history.

"We will report further when we gain more information."

TBC

#jily #jily fanfiction #james potter #Lily Evans #Marauders #marauders era #jily fic

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