#i'm nearly 30 and always thought i'd be someone by now

[unclefungusthegoat]

.

[bonbonly]

If you are such a hore for charles rn, maybe we could get more sugar daddy charles? Maybe him punishing you for some reason?

you're spoiling me so badly right now PUHLEASE

bon's thoughts (18+)

sugardaddy!charles had specifically told you to get back home at 8:00 because he was going to take you out for dinner. you should've known your friends had different plans for you, though. they knew about your arrangement with the older man, and they couldn't stop giggling. you had asked charles to buy you some expensive purses, and he was happy that you were asking him to indulge you so he bought them. only problem was that you had gotten them for your friends who kept pestering you in between classes for those items. every time you’d sneak a new gucci bag for your best friend, you’d grow more worried that charles would one day ask you where all the bags he bought for you were. his money was only for you, not for your friends.

you received a text from charles at 6:30, asking you to finish your last class and head over to his place so you could wear an elegant red dress he bought you, and the gucci bag. you freak out, turning to your friend and begging her to give the bag back just for tonight but she frowned, telling you the bag was all the way back at her house 500 miles from the university. you nearly fainted at her words. charles was going to punish you for this, you were sure of it. so, you decided to do what you always did - ignore his texts because truth be told, you did like the angry sex that followed - but it was better than him not gifting you anything if he found out you’d been giving them to your friends, little miss saint.

“where’s the bag?” was the first question charles asked you when you finally returned home, “i searched all over your closet, mon chérie, i cannot find any of your bags.”

you gulp, awkwardly laughing, “a-about that actually…”

charles is laughing at the dinner table with some of his colleagues. he had been laughing this entire time, which you thought was a good sign but then again, he was never this cheerful. some of the people at the table stand up to grab some extra food, and you turn to face charles, leaning in to whisper into his ear,

"y-you're not mad at me?" you ask.

"mad? no," he responds, and you let out a sigh in relief, "no, i'm fuming, my love."

your jaw drops, and you feel him squeeze your thigh harshly, enough for it to hurt just a tiny bit. your eyes snap down to where his thumb is caressing the fat of your skin before he snickers under his breath, "my money is for your benefit. if i wanted to give money to your friends, i'd be a charity foundation, not your sugar daddy, is that clear?"

you nod your head, "i-i'm sorry, i kept trying to tell them no but they wouldn't listen! i would never try to go against you like that, you know-" your words are cut off as his fingers trail up your thigh, cupping your heat. you stiffen in your seat, making sure no one was looking to see what was happening under the table. charles' fingertips drag along your clothed cunt, and he smiles at the way you're squirming in your seat, begging him to stop, "no, not now. what if someone sees?"

"let everyone see how i use you, how you're mine and only mine. i must fuck you too hard because your brain just can't seem to understand it, hm? ma chérie, you're on the thinnest of ice as we speak right now. you're going to take my fingers for the rest of the night, and not a word out of you. not one sound." charles kisses your cheek, fingers pushing your panties to the side before collecting your arousal around your slick folds. you bite your tongue, trying not to whimper when his fingers push into your entrance, teasing you mercilessly. when the guests start coming back, you squish your thighs together as an effort to stop him but he glares at you, using his free hand to hold your thigh open as his fingers curl inside you.

"dinner's really good, right?" a woman asks you and you moan out loud,

"mhm, so good," you force a smile, narrowing your eyes at charles who's pumping his fingers faster inside you, a proud look on his face,

"my baby loves restaurants like this, i would take her to each one if she didn't want to waste my money so much," his eyes flicker at you, loving the way you're clearly struggling to hold it together. no noise, no sound, those words echo in your mind and you take massive bites of your food to occupy your mouth so you won't accidentally slip out another moan. thankfully, a performance in the background had just ended as the audience roars into applause, you let out a guttural moan that's disguised. you slump against your chair, chest heaving as charles pulls his fingers out and sucks your juices off, licking them clean before staring at you,

"if they ask, i'll tell them you're in the bathroom. they'll leave in a few minutes to the bar anyway," he instructs and you open your mouth to argue but he's quickly shoving you under the table. you want to use his money for your friends, wasting his time and energy to buy whatever you want? you can wait and do what he wants now, he doesn't care. he unbuckles his belt carefully, eyes flickering to his friends whose backs face him. they're too busy watching the singer on stage pour her heart out into a verse. he chuckles as he wraps the table's cloth around your face, only your mouth visible to him and he pulls out his throbbing member, shoving it down your throat without warning. your gags are silenced instantly and charles grips the back of your head, thrusting ruthlessly into your mouth as tears slip your eyes,

"you like it when i use you like this, right?" charles whispers, crouching down to make it look like he's on his phone, "fuck, using my money for your friends? how sweet, so sweet of you, mon chérie. so kind and helpful! i didn't know my little girl was this sweet to her friends at the expense of my money." he hisses, hands going under the table to yank your hair so that your mouth could open even wider for him. his balls slap against your chin, and he has to quiet his grunts as his thrusts become more erratic.

"fuck, i cannot wait to take you back home and fuck you properly. make sure you cannot walk for days so you won't come up with something stupid like this again." he scoffs, groaning under his breath as he shoots ropes of his cum down your throat. when he pulls out, he admires the sight of his cum dribbilng down your neck, dropping onto your full breasts that almost spill out of your dress.

"stay there for 5 minutes." charles says, "in the meantime, make yourself useful for me," and he sticks his thumb in your mouth, watching you suck diligently as he waits for his friends to leave.

[doukeshi-kun]

a promise is a promise

daddy's home 😘

🌃-anon here ^^ hooray!!

okay okay phew it's been so long i forgot how to write anon ask but, a comeback is desperately needed to save the day. I'm here to talk about professor!nikolai agenda. your girl started uni and i need to cope.

while collegestudent!nikolai has been eating my brain like crazy, professor!nikolai is as needed. i might hit you up with college student nikolai someday tho cuz my classmates are all weird and i need that daily dose of delusion that someday, i'll meet a student as awesome and as fun as nikolai is in my head

little disclaimer to anyone reading this: dark content ahead. we dont do any of that irl it's just fiction, so if you're sensitive to prof x student shit keep scrolling. i say reader is 20-ish and papi nikolai is pushing 30 😁

random prof!nikolai headcanons ahead 🗣️

prof kolya is definitely one of the cool teachers on campus yk? the type that's loved by all of the students because of how laid back he is and how much he doesn't give a shit yk??? like "prof we didn't study for the test tomorrow can we postpone it?" "we will. i havent put the text either" 💀 that type you know?

BUT simultaneously, he can also be really strict depending on the context yk? while he's chill, he can't tolerate disrespect like, not at all. he jokes around with his students but with limits and boundaries.

clothes-wise i feel like he dresses super well 🤔 as opposed to headcanons I've seen, i dont think he dresses weird or in an eccentric way like canon nikolai is, he wears casual clothes :3 fashionable? yes. but nothing weird. he's tall, broad with really unique features (i imagine nikolai with one of them typical european noses and plump looking lips. this part is totally up to you tho)

prof kolya was a really unproblematic physics professor (yk in canon he has teleportation abilities so uh) that is until y/n took a course with him,

we're met with two cases: y/n is calm and quiet in class, y/n puts herself out there. now let's be for real, teachers love good students so the higher the grades the better the sex more you'll get attention from him (god imagine nikolai praising you😮‍💨)

now if you're quiet- OMG since he gets along well with students i feel like he'll openly joke around with students except for you (if you're quiet) he'll just talk with you in a low voice (btw i imagine classes like, small classes not amphitheaters or any of that) let me elaborate: you're in class yk he's explaining quantum physics or some shit and occasionally interacting with his students. his gaze falls on you once he's standing right in front of your desk and lets a small question slide like "is it ok?" "do you get it?" or flashing you a small smile or so 🤭 he's not mocking you or anything he's being genuine (for once) bc you're openly his favorite

and by that, and as someone who's a favorite for nearly all my professors so far the privileges i get isnt anything like grades or whatever but more like validation? im a good student i dont need their crusty dusty extra credits. one of the privileges i get is for example, during exams, the prof tells me "so, [name], we're scoring an A+ in this test too?" yk and it's genuine so nikolai i that type too.

(i leave anything sexual or suggestive for you to develop bc im really bad and awkward at that)

conclusion: he shamelessly favorites you in front of other students.

though you two would become a thing faster if reader is on the more loud type in his class: always participating, asking questions, joking around maybe.... i feel like when you have a question thats a little long to explain, he'd ask u to come to his office and what happens there is up to your imagination dear bean

will quickly become your number one emotional support throughout college 🥱 imagine not doing well in the exam and you go to his office to talk to him about it and he comforts you by [redacted]

anyways i could go on and ramble forever. i'd love to hear your dirty thoughts on this nikolai au :3 what i wrote is hella long and messy but we're mere disciples beanie, you're the writer here hehe

as usual, have a good/day night!!

I REALLY LOVE YOU SO MUCH *sloppily kissing slop slop*

first of all, yeeee goodluck with college and don't die bcs i almost did 😎👉 and secondly, no let's NOT get nikolai pushing 30s. HE IS 35 ATLEAST IDC HAHAHA im gonna reply to each one headcanon bcs you deserve it girlie 💋✨

yes! he totally gives me the vibe to be laid-back at his work. he's so gonna do something like that lmao. also, despite his laid-back persona and he's always like “ehh~ just answer this easy ass quiz and i'll take it as your assignment mark”, i do think he does his job greatly. there's a time where he needs to get things done and while it doesn't seem like he's doing shit, he actually GETS. SHIT. DONE. that's why he isn't fucking fired 💀

strict prof. nikolai.... ugh *spreads legs*😝 i agree. he does have limit and i feel like he wouldn't scold people or raise his voice but certainly when he's being colder and quieter, oooh you fucked up big time

i do think he wears classic style to go to classes! i'm thinking... dark academia. and yes, he's tall and broad and so big✨ i feel like it also depends on the subject. if prof nikolai is teaching theatre or drama... those kind of things, he will wear something maximalist, if that makes sense? imagine a mad hatter-themed suit but formal. unfortunately, i can't draw for life.

physics professor hmmmm why don't he come here and expand the space of my quantum pussy😏😏

i can imagine raaaaaaa :barkbarkbark: him praising you in front of the whole class because you got quite high marks for physics ahakss😝

HMMMMMMM SOFTY :feral: i can't fucking breathe😩 yes he'd totally be loud to those who are loud with him but if you're quiet and serene, he'll be soft as fuck rrrrrrrrr imagine him noticing you not understanding something and he takes the initiative to come to your desk, teach you with the softest (yet deep) voice ever. NOT MOCKING ME TOO? woah what a green flag 💚

lmfao i can totally relate with you😭 honestly, validation is too pressuring, stressing and overwhelming for me. i hate when teachers are like “so, elie, you can score A for this right?” bih i just barely got the B-grade fym (burnt-out gifted kid be like;). anyway, i'm half-half on this. but i do think if he makes such comments, and he notices you aren't uncomfortable, he wouldn't go put his way to directly say that. maybe he just makes comment that implies he does have certain expectations on you

(i'll develop the sexual things myself *takes off his pants and develop his wood*)

conclusion: he becomes my favourite subject😝❤️

i'm honestly thinking that he prefers it if you are an active student. idk, for me, nikolai (in general) likes challenges and fun. so if you're actively questioning this or that, he'd take interest in you really quick. also, i will invite myself into his office tyvm

definitely get emotional. lmao imagine ranting about other professors with him and he just supports you

well my dirty thought is that he becomes my private tutor. HA HOW BOUT THAT HUHHH but in all honesty, i love the thought of him riling and teasing you instead of yk, playing favourite and get you alone in his office. he likes edging people and he'd surely likes it if you tease him back too ayy papi😝

[jioneeee]

Late night texting with your ex-boyfriend is never a good idea, but I went ahead anyway. With a sigh, I sent him a 'hi' and anxiously awaited his response. You're probably wondering about this guy. Satoru Gojo, my ex-boyfriend, is more gorgeous than the Greek gods, with bright blue eyes, snow-white hair, a 6'3" muscular frame, and veiny arms.

It was 3 AM, and I had no clue why I texted him after three months apart.

Maybe I just missed his presence. We didn't break up because of cheating; it was more complicated than that. I nervously chewed my lip, knowing he was awake-he never slept, always staying up to protect me. I shuddered at the thought of him protecting someone else now. When my phone finally dinged, it was Gojo with a simple

'hi.'

We exchanged texts:

Me: Why are you up?

Gojo: I can ask you the same thing too, y'know?

Me: I couldn't sleep.

Gojo: Really? Maybe we should do something about that then.

Me: Are you with someone?

I didn't know why I asked that.

Jealousy, maybe? The thought of him with someone else churned my insides.

Gojo: No, why do you ask?

Me: Just wanted to make sure I'm not disturbing you.

Goio: You know you can never disturb me, love.

There it was-the nickname he used when we were together. I sighed, then another message came in.

Gojo: You said you can't sleep. I have an idea.

Me: Enlighten me.

Gojo: Take off your shirt.

I widened my eyes at his response.

Why would he want that?

Me: What? Why?

Gojo: Be a good girl and do what I say without questioning me.

I hated how much control he still had over me, but I did as he said, now bare from the waist up.

Me: ...I did

Gojo: Always so obedient. My sweet little princess.

I blushed and clenched my thighs together. What has this man done to me?

Gojo: What happened princess? Cat got your tongue?

Me: No, I just didn't expect you to reply to me that way.

Gojo: What way, princess? I didn't say anything out of ordinary.

I could feel his smug smirk through the screen.

Me: Shut up.

Gojo: Now that's not a nice way to talk to someone. Keep in mind that actions have consequences, princess.

I smirked. If he wanted to tease and play games, I was ready.

Me: What are you gonna do? Come over and knock this attitude out of me?

Gojo: Don't tempt me, princess. You might not be able to handle me if I did that.

Me: You're delusional. I'm a tough girl.

Of course I know how to handle people like you.

Gojo: Oh yeah? Let's see what that mouth of yours will say once I'm over there and fuck each of your bratty attitudes out of you.

I blushed. Maybe I wanted him to come over and do just that.

Me: All your tongue does is ramble stupid things. You know you can never do that.

Gojo: You're playing with fire here, princess. Once I'm there, my tongue is gonna show how much more it can do than just ramble.

Me: Pfft, as if. We both know you don't have the guts to actually do that.

Gojo: You know what, I'm done talking.

He went offline. I panicked, worried I had gone too far and upset him. Ten minutes later, there were knocks on my door. At nearly 3:30 AM, I opened it to find Gojo. He grabbed my neck, pushing me inside and trapping me against the wall. His blue eyes bore into mine, his grip tight.

"What happened, princess? Cat got your tongue again?" he smirked, noticing my reaction.

He spread my legs with his knee and whispered, "You thought I'd let you get away with this? Speak up, kitten." His new nickname turned me on.

"What are you doing here?" | managed to ask.

"I'm here to prove l'm the real winner of this game and to claim you as mine again. By the time I'm done, all you'll think about is me," he whispered, lifting me and carrying me to my bedroom.

He laid me gently on the bed, his hands tracing familiar paths down my body, igniting every nerve with a touch that was both demanding and tender.

His lips followed the same trail, leaving me breathless and yearning. The room seemed to pulse with the intensity of the moment, every sense heightened, every touch electric.

As he kissed me, his lips moved from my mouth to my neck, and I couldn't help but arch into him, a soft moan escaping my lips. He smiled against my skin, his hands exploring, reminding me just how well he knew my body. I tugged at his shirt, and he obliged, tossing it aside before pulling me closer.

His breath was hot against my ear as he whispered, "Still think I only ramble stupid things?" | shook my head, too caught up in the sensation to respond with words. He chuckled, a low, throaty sound that sent shivers down my spine.

The night stretched on, a blur of heated kisses and tangled limbs. He took his time, every movement deliberate, every touch designed to drive me to the edge. And when he finally whispered my name, it felt like a promise, a reminder of everything we once had and everything we could still be.

In the aftermath, as we lay entwined, the world outside seemed distant and unimportant. For now, there was only us, and the lingering echo of his touch on my skin.

[whentherewerebicycles]

biiiig personal question, feel free to ignore as i know you're super busy, but - how did you know you wanted kids? when did you make up your mind and was there a specific moment that helped you make up your mind? i'm very nearly 30 and i thought i'd just... know by now, but i feel more conflicted than ever.

I was pretty sure by my late 20s. I wasn’t always positive I even liked kids, but in college I worked at a daycare for a while and discovered that small children are SO weird and funny. it’s a lot of fun to watch them learn stuff. I also felt increasingly like the things I like most about teaching (like helping kids learn how to solve their own problems) would probably translate in some form to parenting. also idk I think by my early 30s I was looking at my life kinda like, is this all I want to do? I found teaching slash my job very rewarding and I liked having lots of free time to do whatever I wanted but I also am not like, someone who derives my sense of self from my casual hobbies, if that makes sense? I really like engaging in Purposeful Work and I am often happiest/most fulfilled when I’m doing hard things that require intense focus and investment. I feel like my parents have always talked about parenting like that, as this huge, time-consuming, often thankless project that is also extraordinarily joyful and purposeful work, which enriches the whole arc of your life in ways you couldn’t have predicted at the outset. it’s obviously not the only kind of purposeful work you can do, and I imagine that especially in the time-intensive early years it probably makes it harder to engage in other types of work that might be just as important to you. so there are tradeoffs for sure—like, I’m probably not going to write a novel in the next few years! and I might slow down some aspects of my career! and I certainly won’t get to travel as freely as I might have before. but I got to make this small person! and I’ll get to have this relationship with him that will evolve and change over the course of our whole lives. and I’ll get to have experiences and go places and learn things I never would have otherwise. and there will be other periods of my life where I will have more time to write or pursue my career more aggressively or travel or whatever else I want to do.

[legoiscrying]

Happy Birthday, Eric Cartman

A small Kenman piece I wrote for his birthday 🤲

Note: I made them middle school here but ages don't affect the story at all soooo enjoy

***

  Eric sighed quietly as he rolled over, now facing the wall. After gazing at the ceiling for the past thirty minutes, he already realized that he's not going to get much sleep tonight. How much easier it would be if he could just lay and instantly fall asleep as it always happens. But it was an unlucky night for him right before his birthday.

  He was...Moderately excited. I mean, which middle school kid wouldn't be excited for his birthday, right? Maybe some depressed dude or a lame hippie wouldn't, but Eric hated those guys anyways. He's not a little child anymore tho, so he won't jump of his bed right at 7 AM in the morning, but he was pretty excited for the gifts his mother was preparing for him and also the usual party he was hosting.

  2:30 AM already, and Eric's still wide awake. He's never getting it right before his birthday. Now he just lies and mumbles something to himself. The weather is shitty, so he can clearly hear the wind noise even through the closed window. Well, at least it's better than lying in a complete silence...Cartman thinks so until something hits his window.

Something hits his window. Suddenly all the wind noises before don't sound like wind noises anymore, because someone is clearly moving outside. God. Eric won't admit it, but he's scared. Of course he's scared, this whole situation looks like a cliche horror movie plot. The 2 AM, the window, the noises...And the next step should be dead Eric Cartman. Then a tragic morning discovery, then his crying mother at the funeral, and then...Wait, no, this isn't going to be like that. He was actually about to call his mother, but then the killer would kill him instantly or what's much worse would think he's a pussy. He can't let that happen! If someone dares to try to kill Eric Cartman at night, they should face the consequences without any mercy.

  Holding a pair of scissors in his hands, Eric was hesitant to open the curtains. That was until he heard the familiar voice through the window.

"Psst, Cartman, open your window!" the voice says.

"Kenny? My fucking God," now Eric more confidently opens the curtains and looks down - it is Kenny! Kenny Mccormick, looking at him with "open the window" puppy eyes. Somehow Eric does just that, and in a few seconds his friend is already in his room. "What are you doing here? I'm trying to get some fucking sleep."

"But you aren't sleeping. Phew, I thought I'd have to wake the princess up," Kenny says, giggling.

"Two shits you're gonna wake me up."

But in the end, they both don't look very tired, so Eric decides that he can go with that.

"Running away from home again, Mccormick?" he says mockingly.

"Nuh-uh, just going for a walk," Kenny shrugs and looks away.

"Right. A walk. At 2 AM. Through the entire town. You're such a comedian," Eric says, nearly laughing.

"Shut up. It is a walk. I'm not leaving Karen there, I'm gonna return home by morning and go to school. Just need some...time." Kenny replies, his voice a bit sadder.

"And you decided to walk directly to my house. I swear, if I was actually sleeping and you'd woke me up, I-"

"Chill out dude, I wasn't going to wake you up, I was just stopping there and thought maybe you wasn't sleeping, and I was right!" Kenny smiles victoriously.

"Uh-huh, and that's why you decided to throw something," Kenny replies with "a stick" and giggles. "a fucking stick at my window!"

"That's just a small detail," he chuckles.

"And what do you want anyways?" Cartman asks. "It's not like we can do any of the cool stuff right now when my mom is asleep. It doesn't mean that I don't want to wake up my mom, it's just-" and he begins his five minute rant about his mom and about how tired and annoyed he is.

Kenny listens through entire thing without saying a word of interruption and with a curious expression on his face. After Eric finishes, he speaks. "Actually, I came to wish you a happy birthday."

A few second silence. This, at almost 3 AM, seriously?

"Huh. You know I haven't invited anyone to my birthday yet, right?" Eric says, confused.

"Yep."

"And you know I might not invite you, right?"

"You'd be a bitch then, but yeah".

Cartman just pokes him instead of a usual "Hey!", and Kenny starts giggling again.

"So...You remembered?" Eric asks curiously.

"About your birthday? Yes," Kenny replies, visibly confused. "Jesus man, why are you so weird about it?" he laughs.

Well, not a lot of people seem to remember without me reminding them!

"You are weird, Kenny. You showed up to my house at 2 AM to wish me happy birthday."

"I just had to do it first!" Kenny says and starts laughing again.

  The situation quickly became much more lovely than it was at the beginning. It surely feels nice and weird at the same time: nice to have someone who cares so genuinely, weird to not have a need to force them to care. With all of that, Eric seems to feel...Happy?

"You know Kenny, you aren't so bad of a guy after all."

[bellysoupset]

I know this has nothing to do with emeto but I'd like to request a fic1... Jonah comes home from a rough shift at the hospital and he's irritated and in a bad mood so he gets into an argument with Leo...

TW: death, but only as context for Jonah's behavior, if you don't wanna read that jump the first 3 paragraphs. Be warned, this one is a punch.

-

Don't get emotionally involved was one of the first things they learned in med school. There was a reason why first years were obligated to do 30 hours in palliative care. By then they weren't expected to do anything more complicated than shadow the head nurse, but the whole point was so they would get used to the concept of death.

Except you don't get used to that idea, or at least Jonah didn't, not when it was a 10 year old. His little patient had been a difficult case, so he wasn't exactly his, Dr. Peters - Jon's supervisor - was much more involved than normally. Still, Jonah did the majority of the visits and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't invested in the boy's well being.

Then they had lost him, halfway through a seizure. Jonah had clocked out shortly after, Dr. Peters telling him to go home, but instead Jonah had spent a good hour gagging over the toilet, until he was completely empty.

The drive home was a blur, Jonah felt completely disconnected from his body, mind still back in the hospital. He wasn't sure what time it was anymore, nor did he care. He just wanted to sleep this horrible day off and hopefully be able to get back to work tomorrow and actually help someone... Save someone...

"Oh there he is," Leo's voice brought him back to the present. Leo's furious voice.

"What?" Jonah kicked the door shut and stripped off his coat by the door, frowning at his boyfriend. He wasn't even expecting him to be in the apartment, Leo had been spending a lot more time in his dorm, since graduation was coming at a fast pace and he had a lot of work to hand in.

"I've been texting you," Leo scoffed, crossing his arms. Jonah didn't have the energy to grab his phone and check. He left it muted during work so he could hear the pager and he hadn't been bothered to check all day.

"Uhm," Jonah yawned, rubbing his eye, "whatever for?"

"Really Jon?" Leo sounded hurt, "look at me."

He forced himself to look and frowned. Leo looked fine, "you look fine... I'm tired, I'm going to bed."

"Wow," Leo raised his eyebrows, blue eyes sparkling, "we had a date tonight, remember? In that stupid fancy place you like? I sat there for nearly two hours waiting for you!"

So that was what he meant, Jonah cringed, noticing Leo was indeed wearing formal clothes.

"Oh shit... I forgot, I'm sorry-"

"I work in the afternoon and I have two different papers to hand in tomorrow and you said you wanted to see me, so I went to the date instead of finishing my papers... Look at me!"

Jonah hadn't realized he had looked away or tuned him out, he just... He didn't feel well. He was emotionally drained and he felt sick and hollow.

"I'm sorry," he grumbled, rubbing a hand over his face, "but tone down the histrionics, will you? You have 90% of all your work done, you're just a perfectionist."

Way to go, he thought sarcastically as his words made Leo flinch as if he had been slapped.

"It doesn't fucking matter if I have 90% done or 0% done, the point is I made time for you and you fucking ditched me in a restaurant," Leo glared at him, "and now you're acting like an entitled prick."

"Okay Leo," Jonah rolled his eyes, his head throbbing and at this point he'd trade anything for just some fucking peace, "okay. I'm sorry, you're right, you're perfect, as always, can I go the fuck to sleep now?"

"You're a dick," Leo sighed, looking defeated. Jonah shrugged, even if he was feeling more and more like he was about to keel over, queasiness washing over him.

"Okay Leo," he repeated through his teeth, eyes burning, "are you leaving now?" his voice broke at the last syllable. Leo's presence had been a surprise and the fight far from how he had picture ending his night, but he didn't want his boyfriend gone.

Jonah felt horrible, actually physically sick, and he wanted nothing more than to just go to bed, with Leo. If he could just keep his mouth shut, then-

"You're not even gonna explain yourself?" Leo asked in a small voice, "really? You don't care at all?"

"I do care," Jonah shook his head, swallowing the lump in his throat, "I do care, I just got caught up in work and- and-" and a kid had died in his hands.

"And?"

"I just wanna go to sleep," it sounded less like a fight now, more like begging. Leo frowned at him and took a step back, further in the apartment, not out. Jonah stumbled forward, towards the bedroom.

"Jonah, what the fuck?" Leo sighed, following him into the suite, "this isn't you, just talk with me-"

He changed directions in the bedroom, instead of sitting on the bed, Jonah staggered into the bathroom, bracing against the sink and opening the register. He splashed his face with water, but it didn't do much to the sticky, claustrophobic sensation. He still smelt like disinfectant, it was making his stomach churn.

"Really? Silent treatment now?" Leo scoffed, somewhere behind him, "you're acting like a child."

Jonah groaned, then gagged over the bowl as the comment refreshened his memory. He heaved, loudly, interrupting Leo, but the dramatic retch only brought up a little dribble of bile.

There was a ringing in his ears, which sounded a lot like someone crying and it took Jonah a whole minute of panting over the bowl to realize it was him. He whimpered, lowering his forehead to the cold stone, feeling Leo's hand in the middle of his back.

"Why didn't you say you were sick?" Leo questioned, squeezing his shoulder, "Jon, shhh... What's hurting? Is this a migraine?"

He didn't suffer with migraines, never had in his life. Jonah shook his head, still bracing against the sink. Despite feeling painfully empty, his stomach was still sloshing uncomfortably, "I'm not- I'm not in pain and I'm not sick."

Behind him Leo let out a snort, "yeah, you just threw up randomly and -"

"Not..." Jonah shook his head, "stress. That's all. I'm fine," he forced himself to straighten up and meet Leo's eyes in the mirror. His boyfriend looked concerned, even if there was a hint of annoyance in his face still.

"You're fine?" Leo echoed, skeptical, "Jonah, you're crying."

"I just need to sleep, that's all," he rubbed his temples, wiping away the tears that were clinging to his lashes.

"Yeah, sure..." Leo frowned, moving out of the way so Jon could walk past him. He stood near the bed as Jonah struggled to undo the buttons of his shirt and quickly gave up, tugging it up.

"Uhm, I think I'm going to go then-"

Jon paused, looking at him, "Leo," his voice simply seemed not to be working suddenly, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I stood you up, it's just..." he couldn't say it, couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, so instead Jonah gulped against the knot in his throat and said, "can... can you stay? Please?" his voice all but melted at the end, as more tears sprung forward and Leo immediately nodded.

"Yes, of course..." he sounded extremely concerned, but for the moment Leo decided against pressing the issue. Instead he sat down on the bed too, before throwing his arms around Jon and pulling him into a tight hug.

It was the tipping point, because then Jonah lost all control and buried his face on his boyfriend's shoulder, sobbing.

His chest hurt and he couldn't stop thinking about the kid... It was only partially guilt over not having been able to do more, most of it was just plain, simple sadness.

Leo's hand cupped his nape and his cheek pressed against Jonah's temple, "shhh love, I'm here," he whispered, "you're alright."

It was so silly and yet it sent another sob through him, causing Jon to cling painfully to Leo's shirt, wrinkling it in his fist, "I'm s-sorry-I-"

"Breathe, Jon," Leo didn't let him go, if anything he squeezed him tighter, "just breathe in, babe."

It took forever, Jon felt like, for the tears to stop and the sobs to calm down. He felt utterly empty and his head was throbbing like hell, exhaustion weighting down his eyes, but he knew he at least owed Leo an explanation after breaking down on him so badly.

He leaned his head back against the headboard, hugging his knees to his chest, "sorry," his voice sounded like he had just gargled with glass, "sorry about this."

"For crying!?" Leo said incredulously, reaching over to touch his knee and stop the light rocking that Jon was doing, "can you tell me what happened?"

Jon nodded, but didn't say anything. Instead he just stared at Leo, exhausted and then, all in one breath, mumbled, "in the morning?"

"Okay..." Leo nodded, more and more worried, "okay, in the morning."

He got up from the bed and calmly stripped down his own clothes, changing into a large hoodie and just his boxers, then circled the bed and took Jon's hands in his, ushering him up so he could at least get rid of the pants Jon had worn all day.

That was all he managed to do before his boyfriend curled up under the blankets, so unlike himself and Leo was left with no option but lie down too. He rolled onto his side, stroking Jonah's cheek. It was wet again, but he was no longer sniffling and sobbing.

"C'mere," Leo sighed, pulling Jon to him. He wrapped him up in a hug and then closed his eyes. Leo's mind was going a mile a minute and despite several minutes passing in the dark, he knew Jonah wasn't asleep.

Eventually he felt his boyfriend move, letting out a long sigh, "I lost a patient today."

"Aw-"

"Jesse, he was 10. He liked my sneakers that have the pride flag. He - He liked the mutants and I talked with him about X-Men evolution, the cartoons and he binged the episodes on youtube and was so excited and-" his voice collapsed under the weight of the tears and Leo hugged him a little tighter.

"I'm so sorry, Jon," he whispered, kissing his cheek, "I'm sorry."

"It's just not fair, that's all," Jonah whispered, hot tears running down the bridge of his nose and Leo's neck, "it's not fair, Leo."

"I know, I know, it's not fair, my love," Leo nodded, kissing his brow.

[mieczyhale]

sorry, babes, but you were ratted out by the fuckin wendy's employee

don't hang around and use their phone if you don't want them telling things to the people who call back. i didn't even ask for details, they just shared, so now i know a couple of things were lies. they're relatively small, in the grand scheme of fucking everything to do with your life and my inescapable place in it, but y'know.. if you lied about those things maybe you lied about the big thing too.

i'm not going to just assume you did, because i believe in innocent until proven guilty - or honest until proven lying, and just because you fucked something up doesn't mean you fucked everything up. maybe the story you told me on the phone DID really happen the way you said it did. it's not out of the realm of possibility. but then.. y'know.. not sure why we didn't hear from you until almost 9 PM.

honestly i'm most irritated that you pulled the "i have no one else to help me" "i'm out of people to call" card repeatedly until i said i'd come get you. and then i get there just to find out hm. someone else also called about you and you already left. that was less than 30 minutes after you hung up. now, did i get there a little later than expected?? yeah. but you know to expect that of me. you know what my ocd is like. you could've waited. but apparently you DID actually have other people that could help you. you dragged my ass out of the house, less than an hour after i got home from work, for nothing. you put me through an unnecessary round of rituals. that is.. the rotten cherry on top.

i hope you're okay, and i hope - for your sake - that you can figure out whatever the fuck is going on (maybe.. idk.. get a hold of your fucking parole officer instead of your manipulative ex and your long suffering sibling in law. just a thought) but bitch i'm at my limit with you. again. this is the.. third time this year we've hit that?? it's a fuckin record.

and you know what?? eventually i'll help you again, and i'll defend you again, and i'll be there for you during the moments you'll later claim nobody was there for you, and you'll apologize and i'll forgive you but not entirely because i don't actually forgive that many people, and you'll be okay until you're not, and every day that you're not is somehow up to me to handle and fix because everyone else passed giving up on you awhile ago, and at some point our mental health got tied together so the worse you're doing the worse i'm doing so i can't actually back out entirely without fucking myself over in a different way from how i get fucked over by being involved-

and honestly i also can't back out because i'm the middle man between you and multiple people - two people always, others when they can't get a hold of you themselves or they won't answer you in return - so y'all and your shit communication would be EXTRA shit if you let me out but, despite my efforts to at least change THAT, none of you actually will let me out and thankfully - THANKFULLY - i at the very least have the power to tell certain people to fuck off, because without that i think i'd lose my goddamn mind even more. because we've been doing this for nearly eleven (11) years and unfortunately - unless you actually get your shit together - i can't see this fucking ending.

because i can't turn off the part of me that loves, and cares, and has an insane defend/protect nature, that wants to do everything i can to help the people i love and that includes you.

all of this fucking bullshit. and it still includes you.

but for the moment i am in the part of the pattern where i am so fucking done. i have this so bad it's good beer and a zebra cake and i'm going to read fic and then sleep and if you fucking call me i'm not going to answer bc i've got nothing to say to you right now.

just... nothing.

if you happen to check your tumblr for once and see this and get pissy?? i don't care. the effect you have on my life is very fucking real and i am allowed to talk about it vaguely. it's too big a part of my life for me not to.

[mandalorianchronicles]

Thoughts on "The Convert"

Spoilers below the cut

Well, that was...different. I'll admit, it was probably the first time I was actually a bit disappointed by an episode of The Mandalorian. It wasn't that Dr. Pershing's story was badly written (though it could have been pared down), but I just didn't care to spend so much time setting up the next plot element when we were right in the middle of resolving the first one. I would have been okay with him getting his own bottle episode, rather than sandwiching it in between Din and Bo's moments. It was very jarring as a viewer, but I suppose that was the intent of the writers in the first place. Din and Cara had both commented that they didn't have much faith in the New Republic and now we see why. There is still a massive disconnect between the citizens of the core worlds and the Outer Rim, and it doesn't really matter who's in power, there always will be.

Concerning Pershing's plotline - I would be interested to know what he was working on specifically with Grogu and how it ties into Palatine's comeback. Between this episode and The Bad Batch, there is a LOT of focus on the Empire's cloning experiments, but I feel like we just keep scratching the surface without ever getting any real answers. But I'll be patient. This chapter seemed to be focusing on the fact that the Rebels defeated the Empire and established the New Republic, and it took all of 5-10 years for it become nearly as corrupt as the Empire. Okay, that's an exaggeration. The people on Coruscant looked happy and free (which is different from the mood in the capital planet in Andor). But there's a lot to be desired with this new government. No wonder Leia didn't last long as a Senator again, she'd have no patience for the BS. I liked how they casually mentioned in this episode how they had so many resources tied up in mothballing their fleet. And now you know how The First Order rose up less than 30 years later (if you didn't read the books).

I believe the "convert" is actually Pershing, not Bo-Katan. He genuinely wanted to help the people of the New Republic. It could also be referring to Elia Kane, but she wasn't really a convert, she was just making it look like she was so she could feed information back to Gideon or the Emperor, or whoever she is actually working for, because it clearly isn't the New Republic. I wonder if we'll ever see Pershing again after he got mind flayed (Count Rugen: NOT TO 50!). And yes, sweetie, it *was* a trap, baited with Star Wars Biscoff cookies. I can't believe that worked. Honestly, after he hijacked 40 minutes of this episode, they better be setting up a continuation of this story.

Which leads me to...the 20 minutes of this episode featuring people I actually care about.

First question: *who* sent those TIE interceptors? Is Moff Gideon pulling strings from prison? Or is this someone else? Bo said that was a lot of ships for an Imperial warlord and I'm inclined to agree. Gideon didn't seem to have anywhere near that kind of firepower. My guess is this is Thrawn. Why would Thrawn bomb Bo's castle on Kalevala, you ask? I assume that Sabine and Ashoka are putting pressure on him, and he's trying to draw them out by targeting someone with strong ties to both of them. Ahsoka has been all over the galaxy hunting for Thrawn, but Bo knew exactly where to send Din to go find her. Which means they are still in contact. Sabine gave her the Darksaber and endorsed her as Mand'alor, pledging allegiance to her. Assuming she's still with Ahsoka looking for Ezra, she also has maintained ties. Thrawn won't like being hunted, he'll want to meet them on his terms when he's ready. If those were his ships, I'd say he's ready.

I recently re-watched the Rebels episodes with Bo-Katan just to refresh myself on the tone and dialogue of those scenes. In summary, After Sabine found the Darksaber in Maul's lair and trainied herself to use it, she entrusted it to her mother to help mend their broken family, who in turn gave it to Gar Saxon as a bribe to keep her family safe. Gar claimed the Darksaber as his own, and interestingly enough, had no issues wielding it immediately. But Ezra gave Sabine his lightsaber and she defeated Saxon, earning the Darksaber by creed, which her mother and others from Clan Wren witnessed. In 4.1 and 4.2, we see Sabine wielding the saber to save her father from the Empire, and Bo-Katan gives aide at Ursa Wren's request. Sabine immediately offers the Darksaber to Bo-Katan, but she refuses, saying she had her chance to lead and failed, referring to immediately after the Siege of Mandalore when the Republic made her regent. When the Empire. took over, she refused to bend the knee and was betrayed by the Saxon clan. "I am not my sister," she told Sabine, the pain of that loss brought the surface by the weapon that murdered her. Obviously, Bo's feelings for her sister had changed drastically. Later, when Sabine is torturing Tiber Saxon, Bo stops her and says "this is not our way". After that battle, Sabine once more asks Bo-Katan to take the Darksaber, and though she is reluctant, she accepts it with the support of clans Kryze, Rook, Eldar, Vizsla, and Wren and the Protectors. Contrary to the Armorer's very skewed narrative, Bo did not take the Darksaber because she believed it was her family's right to rule. She took it, because the most powerful clans on Mandalore were begging her to lead them against the Empire. They had already gathered to follow her before she even accepted the Darksaber. It was a symbol, nothing more. It was her actions and her steadfast devotion to her people that earned their loyalty, not the heirloom of House Vizsla.

History recap concluded, my next question is this: Did the Children of the Watch refuse to join Bo-Katan and the other clans in their fight against Empire because she didn't win the Darksaber in ritual combat with Sabine...or simply because they had another reason not to like her? The Darksaber was passed down through the Vizsla family line for years. Pre Vizsla didn't kill Tor Vizsla for it. It doesn't have to be won to change owners. That particular tradition only applied if the current Mand'alor was wielding it. When we see Bo and Din approaching the covert, Paz comes out to meet them. He's immediately surly toward Din (big surprise) and he doesn't believe him when he says he bathed in the waters. When Bo-Katan says she witnessed it, he replies with "Who are you, Nite Owl?" Are we really to believe he knows who the Nite Owls are but he can't recognize their leader? He knew damn well who she was. If Paz is closely related to Pre (and I believe he is, given the writer's choice to have Favreau voice him), might he be harboring lingering feelings of jealousy or resentment of Pre's former right hand woman? The Armorer certainly knew her on sight. We know she had no love for Bo when last she spoke to Din. And yet, she welcomed her with open arms.

Hence, question three: What does The Way actually mean to the Covert? Heretofore, I had assumed that the Mandalorians from Din's tribe were deeply religious and held a deep-seated faith in their doctrines. But even when Bo flat out tells them she does not follow The Way (not to be confused with the Mandalorian creed, which Bo-Katan has sworn herself to), The Armorer only cares about two things: which are actually one thing...the helmet.

Did you baptize yourself in the Living Waters to redeem yourself for not wearing the helmet? Yes? Okay. Have you removed your helmet since? No? Okay, you're in.

That's it. It doesn't matter if Bo-Katan actually follows The Way or has any faith in whatever else it teaches...the one (1) factor that determines if you are in or out is whether you cover your face at all times. Does anyone else find that incredibly odd? The Armorer never even asked Din why or for whom he removed his helmet when he admitted that he had done so. The circumstances and the who are apparently irrelevant. If you follow The Way, you can't even remove your helmet before your own clanmate, your own family. Ever.

I really hope that in the next episode, Bo-Katan starts asking these important questions. When it was known that Din removed his helmet, he was ostracized and shunned. No one touched him. No one acknowledged him. The Armorer didn't even thank him for saving them all from that giant croc - she just told him he wasn't welcome. But as soon as he was ritually cleansed of that most dire of infractions, everyone reaffirming him and welcoming him with physical touch and kind gestures. The contrasting behavior gave me whiplash. But seeing them touch Din and Bo's shoulders and being so welcoming is so psychologically powerful, it almost had me second guessing my reservations about the Covert. But then I had to remind myself, wait...real family doesn't shun their own loved ones for giving into the very basic human need to see and be seen by someone you love. The mandate to always keep their face covered is pure psychological abuse. It reminded me of that recent episode of The Bad Batch, "The Retrieval", when the corrupt mine owner had all those kids convinced he was being good to them, when really he was manipulating them with food and praise.

Question four: Did Bo-Katan just join a cult? This one we can answer, and it's most definitely not. It may not matter to the Armorer what Bo believes, but it matters to us. She is not a follower of the way, but so long as keeping her helmet on provides her with food, shelter, and some much needed companionship, she will cooperate...at least until it gets to be too much for her. I suspect she'll find ways around the rules before too long. But what of the Mythosaur? Does she now believe the legend? Right now, Bo-Katan isn't even sure she actually saw the Mythosaur. Katee's interview confirmed as much, addressing the concerns of fans that she was hiding it for nefarious purposes. Honestly, I thought it was obvious that she was uncertain - that's why she asked Din twice. She is second-guessing what she saw, and who wouldn't? I mentioned this in another post, but imagine if you were snorkeling at night and dove down in murky waters and thought you saw a plesiosaur...a creature thought to be extinct for millennia. Would you be telling everyone right away or would you second guess yourself? She was in a very dark place mentally, she had just visited her ruined home planet for the first time in years, she was remembering her dead father, and she had just read the plaque talking about how legend told that the mines were once the lair of the Mythosaur...she probably figured that all these things together might have triggered a hallucination. She doesn't know what to believe. And this sets her up for some amazing character development over the rest of the season.

There was a lot to unpack in this episode, and I am so very excited for whatever comes next.

[andorerso]

What would be your ideal rom-com for Diego and Felicity, if you were writing it?

oooh, excellent question! as much as I've been begging the universe for such a thing, I actually never thought about the specifics. maybe because I'm not too picky, I'd take anything they can give me (as long as it's one of those awful sexist/problematic romcoms with questionable relationship dynamics)

ofc I'm biased but I'd love for them to have a dynamic somewhat similar to Jyn and Cassian. without the war and child soldier part I guess. but a badass, take no shit woman with a bit of a commitment issue because she's always been abandoned by her loved ones, and a hardened, no nonsense guy who can't remember the last time he had a meaningful connection with someone? chef's kiss.

and since Diego is in his 40s now and Felicity is nearly 40, I'd love for their characters to be older too. but maybe without kids. often when I see love stories for older people, there's always that one single parent character, which is fine, but I'd love to see something different. I want more characters who are childless by choice, so in my mind, neither has kids or wants them.

oh you know what would be cute, I think? what if they used to live on the same street as kids and were childhood best friends until maybe like middle school when one moved away and they never saw each other again. the movie could start with them being adorable little kids promising to always stay friends, then cut to 30 years later when they somehow meet each other again. a rivals to lovers dynamic could also be fun, and idk why, but now I'm picturing college professors who really hate each other's guts for some reason but are forced to go on a longer field trip together and ofc end up getting closer....

actually, I think I really like that idea! I'm sorry, this isn't really a concrete answer, more like a bunch of ideas that I think would be fun but I'd take anything tbh. I'm curious to hear what you guys would love to see as well!

[kurokoros]

You don't have to answer this bc again, I don't really want to escalate things. But I found the person, and when I saw who is mutuals with them or even liked certain stuff, I was so disappointed, especially in one person who I followed since 2019. They all act like people over 25 are immature for liking certain things or preferring ships over others. Meanwhile, they are the immature ones. And to announce you have chats where you make fun of others isn't grown up either. If you don't like others, just block them, don't make posts for others to join in. I thought tumblr was more chill. Apparently, I lived under a rock. This entire situation is disappointing, and tbh it makes me also feel unsafe. I usually keep to myself anyway because I already have trouble finding my place (a me problem) but now even if I were to post something I feel like people would take it to make fun of me behind my back. Honestly, when I found this out yesterday, something in me shattered, it's like high school over again.

I'm just blown away by everything I managed to dig up yesterday (when I see drama I always check to make sure I'm not following anyone blatantly harassing others + block the person in question if I find them) and dear god everyone involved just seems messy in the worst way.

I'm so incredibly tired of the early 20s crowd acting like their life is over once they hit 25. As I mentioned in a previous post, that mindset is what had me spiraling when I was close to turning 24. I had a breakdown yesterday because I turn 26 in a month and I feel like I don't have my shit together. I'm still trying to work through detangling the toxic mindset of thinking there's an imaginary expiration date on enjoying things. That's not how it works!

And the one argument I keep seeing repeated is "why are you sexualizing these teenage characters??? why are you imagining smut scenarios of them in high school???" Well maybe because most people are well-adjusted enough to separate fiction from reality when the high schooler in question is being played by a nearly 30 year old man. If someone wants to write their exhibitionist fantasy about being fucked in a locker room or bathroom at a party while other people are around, who cares? It's not hurting anyone!

I won't speak much on having private chats to talk about people you don't like, because I've done that in previous fandoms, with the difference being I wasn't openly harassing the people in question, and my friends weren't also friends with whoever we were talking about. It's fine to not get along with certain people. What isn't okay is pretending to be friends with someone that you regularly talk shit about in private.

I've watched a situation exactly like this go down before, and you want to know how it ended? The person at the center of things finally got caught when people started realizing that she was talking shit about them to others. She was talking shit about everyone to everyone else, and it all came out in one massive shit storm that ended with her abandoning her blog and never coming back because she burned all of her bridges and no one was going to tolerate that kind of behavior anymore.

This situation is disappointing. I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. I also don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable in the fandom. It's incredibly draining to be worried about your "friends" talking badly about you to each other. Usually those worries are just a product of anxiety and hold no weight, but after yesterday I don't think I'd trust anyone in the ST fandom to not talk shit about me. And, as you mentioned, this isn't high school anymore. I'm not going to put up with that kind of behavior.

Anon, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me in whatever way you feel comfortable.

[toxxicognaths]

I'm feeling absolutely lower than a worm right now for so many reasons.

I turned 28 less than a month ago and while I used to look towards my thirties very optimistically (thought I'd finally feel "like an adult" and hoped I'd have my shit together by then, etc) I'm absolutely dreading them now. I've had suicidal thoughts on and off since I was like... Idk.. Probably started when I was 12? And I feel like I've far exceeded my expiration date. I feel like I shouldn't be here and I shouldn't have been around for well over a decade now. Not to mention that multiple people in my life either completely forgot my birthday or just neglected to wish me a happy one. I know that sounds really fucking petty and childish but I already feel like nobody actually gives a shit about me, my birthday has always sucked (a week before Christmas means I usually can't get people together for it/as a kid it meant I basically just didn't get a birthday at all because all my gifts just went to Christmas instead), this year I spent it having a really miserable cold that honestly was probably just fucking covid. Second time I've spent my birthday and Christmas with covid that's cool love that for me. And even my fucking body seems to think it's time to start decaying. I'm getting grays left and right and now I'm worried my hairline might be receding, my sleep has been terrible lately, I'm getting weird eczema or something on my gut (might just be new body hair growing but I don't understand why that'd make my skin so upset??) and for the past two days the gum around one of my canines has been really sensitive and bled a bit when I brush my teeth even though I've been doing the best at maintaining my teeth the past three years than I have my entire life.

Add to that that I'm nearing 30 and I'm still working dead end job after dead end job and my current one is one that's working me to the bone and I can't even perform to the standards of this fucking minimum wage hellscape and constantly get berated for it. Add to that that I'm nearing 30 and I've never even gone on a second date with someone, let alone gone on enough first dates to need a second hand to count them. Add to that that I'm nearing 30 and have almost no fucking friends and the ones I do have would absolutely be okay at worst and be much better off at best if we never spoke again or if I died tomorrow. I don't need to keep sticking around for other people if they don't actually want me in their lives. Nobody wants me around. Nobody would miss me for more than a week besides my fucking mother because I'm the last shred of family she has left in this world, so it's not even like there's anything specific to me causing that. I'm everyone's last resort and nothing more. I'm an awful, terrible, worthless fucking person and everyone knows it but some people are, I don't know, bored enough or something to pretend and placate me into believing otherwise. I don't see a single ounce of good in me as a person and I don't think anyone else does either. I didn't want to make it to 13, or 16, or 18, or 21, 25, or now 28. I do not want to make it to 30. I do not want to be around any longer in a world that's just getting worse and worse, especially when I've spent nearly three decades with nothing to show for it. No education. No career. No relationships. No real social circle. No aspirations for the future. Nothing. The only reason I didn't kill myself today is because I opened mail from my job labeled as being life insurance but it was just my fucking insurance cards, with no actual information on my life insurance policy. If I'd opened it and been god willing learned that there isn't a suicide clause in my policy I'd have slashed my wrists this morning. My mom and roommate would only get like $1500 each but hey at least something good would have finally come out of my miserable fucking existence.

I pray to God that I have a fucking stroke or aneurism or heart attack or something or I take after my dad and get sleep apnea so bad that I choke on my tongue and die in my sleep tonight. I'm sick of waking up every morning and having to carry on just delaying the inevitable. I wish I had the balls to just take myself out. Hell I'll be cruel enough to say I wish my mom would just croak already so I wouldn't feel any guilt on my way out. We each get one life to live and I've absolutely wasted mine being a disgusting person and a waste of space. I'm so sick of being me.

If you read this do not waste your time contacting me about it.

[theghostpinesmusic]

Trinity Alps Uber Alles (2/5)

I use the notes app on my phone to record random thoughts and ideas that I have while hiking. It feels more permanent than writing things down in a physical notebook and doesn't add extra weight to my pack. Plus, because I always have my phone on airplane mode during hikes, I'm never in danger of getting distracted by, say, Instagram reels by picking it up while I'm in the wilderness.

One time, a year ago, while on a trip in the Sky Lakes wilderness, apropos of nothing, I typed out "The Trinity Alps: forged by a mad god in the heart of Northern California for a single purpose: to destroy the world of men."

I think that's a pretty good summary of what the Alps are like. And a pretty good summary of why I love them.

And there is perhaps no greater example of the design of this mad god than the Sawtooth Ridge.

There is a "trail" that scales the ridge from the south (though calling it a "trail" is really stretching things), and I climbed it once, back in 2022. It ascends 2,700 feet in two miles, which for those of you keeping score at home, comes out to an average 30%-ish grade. For two miles.

Apparently, once upon a time, someone died of exposure while trying to climb the so-called Sawtooth Traverse in mid-summer years ago, and while I can absolutely understand how this could happen (I climbed it on a nearly 100-degree day in early July), I think the trail's reputation as a death trap best to be avoided is...maybe a little overstated?

In short, it's totally doable as long as you stay hydrated and are in good enough shape to do the 2,700 foot climb up. And it's awesome.

All that said, I had already done the climb up once and didn't want to do it again, necessarily, when I could get the same views by climbing down. This had actually been a big part of my reasoning for entering the wilderness from Big Flat and climbing up into Caribou Basin first: the top of the Sawtooth Ridge and related Traverse are a few hundred above Upper Caribou Lake, which meant I had set myself up to start my second day of this trip with a 2,700 foot drop.

But first I had to reach the top of the Traverse, which even from the north side of the ridge is no joke.

I woke up just after sunrise, and despite the cold forced myself to get up and make an early start. To get all of my limbs thawed out and woken up, I started my day with another trip up to the Upper Caribou Lake dam.

After packing everything up (and having a stern conversation with a few salt-crazed deer), I headed south. The trail meanders around the east-ish side of Upper Caribou Lake for awhile here, and at times becomes really difficult to follow. Fortunately, the stakes for getting lost are pretty low: at one point, I did get a bit off-trail, but I topped out on some tipped-over granite slabs twenty feet or so above the center of the basin and from my perch was able to see the trail that I was supposed to be on easily enough. I was able to backtrack with nothing lost but five minutes or so of walking.

This area is beautiful, as the granite tumble in and around a series of high-altitude lakelets is as striking as it is anywhere else in the Alps, as far as I'm concerned. The area was a bit dried out, understandably, in September, but it is nuts in July. I'd recommend it if you can go.

You can actually see a small notch at about ten o'clock in the photo of the basin I took, and that is really close to where you have to climb to reach the top of the Sawtooth Traverse. You "only" have to climb about 700 feet here, and you might think that after doing nearly 4,000 feet the day before this would be an easy task. It was not. The trail up to the notch is steep and is really difficult to follow in places. Getting off-trail means lots of scrambling over loose boulders and slippery mud. I've climbed this section of trail twice now, and have gotten lost in the exact same place in the exact same way both times.

By the time I'd regained the trail, I was sweaty in spite of the early morning chill in the air, and felt like I would hardly be able to gain the notch, let alone carry out the aggressive itinerary I had in mind for the rest of the day. But I kept stumping away, the Caribou Basin kept growing smaller and smaller below me, and, eventually I topped out on Sawtooth Ridge.

The scale of this glacier-carved valley as well as the Sawtooth Ridge that marches off into the distance on its left and the "white," granitic core of the Alps to its right is one of the most breathtaking sights I've ever seen in my life. During my climb of the Ridge in 2022, I'd had versions of this view all the way up, over the course of two-plus hours, and the perspective from the very top still took my breath away. It's awesome in the literal sense of the word. Photos can't really do it justice, but I took them (and am posting them) anyway.

I'd been worried that a 2,700 foot ascent might be a bother for my forty-three-year-old knees, but I did most of it without a break, albeit slowly. I think my knees were just so happy to not be going up anymore that they weren't going to gainsay me.

To be clear, this trail is narrow, and there are many, many switchbacks. There's some exposure at times in the sense that it looks like you could simply fall off the ridge and float out into space forever. But there are really only two or three very small stretches of trail where you could theoretically fall and suffer worse than a few scratches. Go slow, use trekking poles, and keep your head on straight and you'll be fine. And you'll have experienced one of the most insane examples of trail engineering I've ever come across in my life.

When I got to the bottom of the Traverse, the sign indicating its beginning was shattered in a way that suggested a bear (I guess a bear that hates signs?) to me. Exhausted and thankful for an excuse, I dropped my pack, took a long break, drank a liter of water, and, somewhere in there, fixed the sign using a length of paracord from my pack that I cut and cauterized.

Next, it was time for the first of a few lollipop handles in my mostly-a-loop route. I intended to end my day at Morris Meadows, east and then south of the bottom of the Traverse (and, hilariously, absolutely clearly visible from the top of the Traverse, many miles to the south). However, I felt like I had to stop by Sapphire and Emerald Lakes first.

You get a few glimpses of these two lakes during the Traverse, if you keep your eyes peeled. But if you head west from the bottom of the Traverse, a mile-plus or so later, you emerge on the shores of Emerald Lake, just below a cracked human-made dam that used to hold the lake's water back. From there, it's a spidery, slow scramble uphill to Sapphire Lake, but when I'd hiked there for the first time in 2022, the Sapphire Lake basin had been another one of the most beautiful sights I'd seen in my life. I couldn't imagine being this close and not visiting again, even if the diversion would add distance, time, and require me to return from Sapphire Lake to the base of the Traverse along exactly the same route.

The hike up to Emerald Lake isn't that bad, but it is a bit of a climb, and there are parts of it that are steep and exposed, and if you've just spent a few hours descending the Traverse, it can feel like a bit much. Fortunately, the ever-expanding views of the granite cliffs ahead and all around you are encouragement enough to keep you going. Eventually, after passing through a stand of trees and old snags with some pleasant-looking, shady campsites interspersed amongst them, you emerge almost too suddenly onto the shore of Emerald Lake.

Last time, I'd spent an hour or so mucking about on the lakeshore, but this time I was on a tighter timeline and there was already a tent pitched on the shore that might or might not have had people in it. I left my pack in the aforementioned shady-tree-snag area, took a huge slug of water, and started off up the scramble trail, along the north shore of Emerald Lake, upwards toward Sapphire Lake.

This bit is definitely slow going, as you wind around a bunch through scrub, then through a small pocket forest (visible on the right in my photo of Emerald Lake), then up a tumble of granite slabs. But the trail is never that difficult to follow (except at the very beginning, where it's seemingly impossible to find until you do), and the scramble up the granite slabs is, for me, in that perfect spot of just challenging enough without every feeling dangerous. I definitely hit the ol' flow state on the way up, and before long I was nearing Sapphire Lake's basin.

The last time I'd climbed up here, earlier in the summer, the approach had been veiled by tens of small snowmelt-fed waterfalls, and the effect had been astonishing. This time, the cliffsides were dry, but I was still blown away by my first sight of the lake, nestled high in a glacial cirque east of Caesar Peak. Caesar Peak can, apparently, be scrambled from here, but I'm definitely inclined to leave that to an imagined, alternate-timeline version of my thirty-year-old self.

I was initially disappointed to find a couple already sitting on the shore of Sapphire, as I'd sort of expected to have it to myself because of the dearth of hikers on the trails I'd taken so far. My annoyance quickly melted away, though, as the couple and their enterprising dog gave me a warm welcome. Us three humans chatted for a few minutes while I played with their dog, and then I scrambled over some slabs to the right to another small beach that protruded out into the lake (the beach I'd stopped at two years ago, as it turned out). We were blocked from each others' sight by a tall rock stack at that point, and were both able to enjoy relative solitude in peace.

This is one of my favorite places. I laid out for a bit on the sun-warmed granite. Remembering the crazy-but-energizing experience of taking a dip in Lake Of The Woods a few weeks before, I considered actually swimming in Sapphire Lake, but then I took off my shoes and dipped my toes in, and then went numb almost immediately. Even with the sun-baked descent back to Emerald ahead of me, I didn't want to be that cold. I settled for dipping my legs in to the knees for as long as I could stand it, which turned out to be a few minutes.

While I waited for the feeling to leach out of my legs, I contemplated the even gnarlier scramble trail from Sapphire Lake to Mirror Lake, higher up the cirque. I've seen pictures from Mirror Lake, and it looks completely insane. The scramble up to it, which I couldn't really identify back in 2022, was really clear and looked pretty safe, though arduous. I briefly thought about chancing it, but guessed (rightly) that I wouldn't then have time to get back down to Morris Meadows before sunset. Maybe someday, when I return to Sapphire Lake for a long-intended overnight on its shore, I'll give it a shot.

When I turned back around and regained the trail to descend back to Emerald, the couple and their dog were already gone.

During the descent, it's impossible to miss some absolutely bonkers views of Emerald Lake with the Sawtooth Ridge retreating into the background behind it.

When I got back down to Emerald, the couple and their dog were already back in their tent. I navigated around them to the north so as to not disturb them again, filled up my water bottles just below the old dam east of the Lake, and started back the way I came.

It was a bit mind-numbing to retread over so much ground, but my boredom was leavened by the fact that I was basically hiking downhill all the way from Sapphire Lake to Morris Meadows, a 2,000 foot descent over the course of five miles.

About four miles in, my environs changed from the granite-and-brush environs that enclose the Stuart Fork at its higher elevations and opened into something more...meadowy (for lack of a better way to put it). This last mile of trail is relatively gentle and rolling, and the beyond the meadows in every direction looming peaks hint at the more challenging terrain that you are, blessedly, not currently hiking through but that you can safely enjoy aesthetically from a distance. I was tired, though, after my long day of ascending and descending and ascending and then descending again, and it was a bit hard to focus on the beauty with rest so close at hand.

Eventually, of course, I reached Morris Meadows, and it was...empty? I'd been surprised the previous night to be the only one in the Caribou Basin, but to have all of Morris Meadows to myself, even mid-week in September, seemed insane. Still, I wasn't going to question it.

I spent some time exploring the area, trying once again to find The Best Camping Spot, but in the end I decided that the spot I'd used during my second night in the Meadows in 2022 is The Best Camping Spot. So, I set up there, spread out my gear much more luxuriously than I would have dared to do had the place been as busy as it usually is, and spent a bit of time reading as the day went from warm and breezy to cold and (relatively) still.

If I took a few steps out of my trees-sheltered campsite, I could see the wall of Sawtooth Ridge in the distance, and, if I squinted, I imagined that I could see the Traverse trail dropping down at a mind-bogglingly sharp angle from the top down into the valley below. I had to take a zoomed-in picture to confirm that, yes, that was a trail, and one that I had climbed earlier that same day.

The visual itself made me tired.

After luxuriating in a few hours of downtime, I cooked dinner and got ready for bed. The next morning, the third of my trip, was supposed to be rainy and cold, at least according to a forecast I'd read before heading west from Coffee Creek. Some clouds blew in over the top of Sawtooth Ridge just before dark, but later in the night when I woke up and stuck my head outside the tent, there was nothing in the sky but stars. I went back to sleep wondering what the morning (and another planned, steep series of ascents) would bring.

[purplesurveys]

1881

Who’s the first person you can think of that has curly hair? Someone I went to grade school with, which is interesting to me because she hasn't had curly hair since we were 9. She stands out to me though because I remember asking her how her hair got to be curly, and she told me she was part-Aeta. I thought that was very fascinating to learn and since then I've always remembered her as once having curly hair (even though she had it straightened for good the year after).

What is something about the opposite sex that you don’t understand?  I don't think there is any one thing, but most guys I've talked to or worked with have been very nonchalant; almost to the point of looking like they don't give a shit about what I or anyone else tells them haha. I never get used to it and always get taken aback by the unenthusiastic reactions to everything.

Have you done anything stupid recently?  Good question. I don't think so.

Do you struggle to talk about your feelings?  Not for the most part, but it also depends on the person. I don't open up to my parents easily, for example.

Out of all your friends, which one is the quietest? That will probably be me.

And which one is the loudest?  I'm not sure. All my friends seem reserved now that we're a little bit older haha. Maybe Andi? Lui and Kate to, I suppose.

Think about the last time you were angry; what was the reason? My mom was changing the program flow that I orchestrated for our grandparents' surprise party – on the goddamn fly. Every single segment had some sort of change to it that the host and I had to pivot toward as each was happening. Sooooo frustrating and I had to resort to PR director mode to manage her and tell her she can't keep doing that to every fucking part because everything was already set up such that the program would flow seamlessly.

Is your mascara waterproof? I do not use mascara.

Are you going out tonight?  NO THANKS

The person from your past who hurt you the most is standing right in front of you. What do you want to say?  How have you been?

Imagine that you don’t hear from your best friend for two weeks. You don’t see him/her at all, and he/she doesn’t answer any calls, texts, Facebook messages etc. You go round to his/her house, but no-one answers. What do you do?  I'd ask her boyfriend and parents.

Which do you like best - your hair or your eyes?  Eyes.

Did you watch Scooby Doo when you were a kid?  I didn't, but I played a Scooby Doo video game.

Is there anyone you know you definitely CANNOT trust?  Yes.

Have you ever imagined what your wedding might be like?  At some point. But I've stopped thinking about it for nearly half a decade now.

What is something that people often call you, other than your name?  Nope.

Are your sleeping patterns messed up? It kind of is and it's so frustrating haha. I need to sleep earlier for a while because I've been waking up at 8:45 AM these days...which is super inconvenient considering I start work at 9. I used to wake up at 7:30 sharp, alarm or no alarm, and I need my body clock to go back to that practice

Who is the most intelligent person you know?  Hans or Andi.

What should a member of the opposite sex do if they want to get your attention, or impress you? Doesn't depend on the sex lol, but I appreciate someone who's smart and can contribute a lot to a conversation.

Are you a happy person these days? Why/why not?  I've had a dip recently because my imposter syndrome has been getting in the way of work and I always feel like there is a target behind my back. Apart from work – happy as can be. I wish I can for once be smooth-sailing in my professional life lol.

Have you had an argument with the opposite sex recently? Nah.

Do you like sushi?  Love sushi and can eat it everyday.

Do you ever tweet the celebs? And has a celeb ever tweeted you?  Nobody that's like a mega celeb like Ariana Grande or whoever. I've gotten tons of interactions from wrestlers, though, that I stopped listing them down.

What were you doing 15 mins ago? This. I'm taking forever to finish because I have distractions in between hahaha – eating my doughnut, watching Run BTS, checking Instagram...

Do you tend to trust people easily, or do you try to be careful about who you trust?  I'm careful.

Have you ever talked about someone behind their back?  Yes, both nicely and not-so-nicely.

Have you ever seen photos of your parents when they were young? Yes. They have tons.

Do you think it’s sweet when you see couples kissing in public, or does it make you feel uncomfortable?  It's fine with me but nothing too gross/explicit plz.

What are you doing later? I wanna do more of these but I also want to play a bit of RhyHi.

[mukamattwrites]

07-04-24

Continuation - 1286 words - finished - unedited

Making up terms on the fly is hard. If I ever were to more seriously write this there's so many names and terms I'd think of replacements for ;-; alas, if I spent all day trying to come up with perfect terms, I'd never write this. So, y'all get "droids" for now.

----

Yona gets the bristling feeling that he's not talking about the cables.

"Eti isn't equipment. She's a //person\\."

Li scoffs. "All droids are equipment. They were in the Modem times, and they will be now. Each and every one of them were soldiers and laborers, meant to be used and thrown aside. Just because one goes rogue it doesn't mean it's alive."

Yona feels a growl come on, and she nearly stands from her chair and throws it at him, but thankfully the dismissed droid returns. Unthankfully, it returns with someone familiar.

She hasn't seen Danni is over ten years—not since the week before Danni's entire company got slaughtered by a rogue droid that left her the only survivor. Yona can still feel the horror at receiving her last transmission that fateful day.

"Alive—intruders—protect my work" followed by a file that told Yona everything.

Li doesn't know she she knows everything. He doesn't have to string Eti up, or drag Danni in here for torture and interrogation, he could beat it out of Yona—but this is part of the plan.

"Yona," Danni breaths. She looks so much older, much older than a decades time. Her once bright eyes are sunkin, her cheeks hollow, her hair faded and skin pale. They've kept her alive this whole time... but barely.

Yona shouldn't feel offended that Danni's eyes quickly found Eti and completely disregarded her. Sure they dated for a few years, and yeah they broke up, but c'mon, Yona's spent the better part of her 30's trying to find her because she was under the impression that Danni still trusted her and only her.

"Ren- what-" Danni stutters, which tears at Yona's soul. Ten years of captivity... her spark is gone. "What did you do to him?!"

Ren. Him. Yona almost forgot Eti was made to be completely gender ambiguous, all droids were, which meant she could pass as whatever gender she wanted with the right cosmetics. Ten years ago, she was he, and he was named Ren.

Danni looks nearly ready to collapse, and Yona can understand why. She's been held captive for a decade, doing everything she can to protect Ren from these people, and here they are anyways.

If this goes wrong, it can all be for nothing. Everything. For Danni, Yona, and Eti.

Maybe even the world.

Which is so self centered of her to think, but knowing Li, he has much more than traveling to the Night planned. The icey dark half of the planet is completely unhabitable for humanity, no one knows what's buried under all that snow—who knows how many more droids lay dormant there, how much more remains untouched from the Armageddon War. Humans can't go there, but a man who has found working droids on this side of the planet can send them there and become unstoppable.

"Nothing, yet," Li responds, snapping Yona out of her spiraling thoughts with his stupid voice. The droid marches Danni to the chair next to Yona and shackles one ankle there. Danni doesn't sit, and she doesn't tear her eyes away from Eti. "Because I'm going to give you one last chance before I force myself into it's memory files."

The threat isn't a light one. During early discovery of the soldier droids, trying to access memory files always resulted in a self destruct. People that know more than Yona believe it to be a preventative measure in case those on the opposite side of the war captured any droids. Only those with certain credentials can access the memories of their own droids, but those people are thousands years gone. Even droids tend to not have access to their own files, only retaining information on ongoing tasks assigned to whoever currently possessed their Admin Stone. The second the assignment is dismissed or reassigned, they're like newborns built only to serve.

Danni looks torn, face pale and horrified.

"Don't do it," Yona snaps finally earning a wide eyed direct look from the other woman. "Eti- Ren wouldn't want you to."

She hopes their old souls can still read each other's eyes as well as they used to.

It will be okay. We have a plan.

Danni takes a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment, opening them a heartbeat later with a decade's worth of defiance rearing it's head like an old friend.

"Go to hell."

Wow, Li looks like he's been spat on for a second, Yona almost falls back in love. He recovers quickly, however, like he always does, the bastard. "We'll find what made it rogue. One way or another."

He nods at the previous scientist, and she nods back. Her eyes are blank and cold; she has no sympathy for the machinery hanging above them.

With a sequence of buttons, a turn of the dial, a gaping tube extends from the darkness, snaking down behind Eti and, with a final jolt— it locks in place at the back of her neck.

Eti shudders, eyes shooting open and hands tugging on the restraints. Yona forces herself to watch, even as the panic is evident.

It'll work. It has to.

Eti opens her mouth—perhaps to shout, or cuss, but nothing comes out. On a screen to the left, the Speech Permissions flashes, a string of code combating the narrative overides Danni has worked so hard to hack into so many years ago.

The lack of being able to speak visibly horrifies Eti. Yona begs Eti to turn her gaze down onto them, see Danni and Yona there supporting her, but her uncanny eyes lock with Li's. Anger twists her face, and Yona distantly wonders if that expression is what Danni's company saw before Eti slaughtered them.

"We have acess to the files," The lead scientists breaths, shocked and awed. "We- we can watch it's memories!"

Li turns away from Eti, glancing at the screen and watching as file after file begins to download and extract. Strings of binary name each moment. There's no way to date a single one of them, let alone know if they were in any kind of order—there's so many. It's just a mess of file after file, stringing in. Yona cannot imagine how violated Eti must be feeling right now.

The plan. It'll work.

"This- this is incredible! Who knows how far it's memories go- it could go all the way to the Armageddon War! This is- this is the most important historic breakthrough in all of Post-Modem!"

Li remains silent, watching file after file after file. The Speech Permissions flash again, the override is combatted.

"Where do we start?" The woman asks, turning towards Li with a hungry look in her eyes.

Li stays silent for a moment, then rubs his chin. "Restrict it's ability to form new memories, wait for all the files to download, and we'll start at the bottom, see if we can make out any order to this."

Another scientist answers to the call, rushing to another screen and working to block a string of ever flowing code. Eti gives one last denied attempt to speak, then her body jolts, going limp and unconscious once again. Yona tries not to think about how her eyes faded so distantly right before they shut.

It takes nearly an hour for the files to stop flowing in, time spent with Li pacing and watching every single one fly by. Scientists continue to bustle about, keeping track of Eti's vitals, combatting every string of code they don't want to happen. Danni collapses early on into her chair, hand reaching out to clutch Yona's wrist. Yona grinds her jaw the entire time.

Once the string stills, Li gives a smug nod, eyeing each of his captives in victory.

The woman scientist locates the bottom file and presses play.

07-03-24

western post apocalyptic robot story

Just a little idea that's been eating away at my brain for a few weeks now. Main inspirations: Trigun, Cave Story, National Treasure, Detroit Become Human, Stormlight Archive. I just want more stories about fucked up little robot stories. This would be the epilogue of the story, as Yona isn't the main pov, but I feel like her pov is the best way to introduce the world.

Warnings: minor descriptions of body mutilation/horror.

317 words - unfinished - unedited

----

It's almost angelic, the way they have her suspended in the air, her back sliced open and her flesh wrenched outwards like some sort of twisted mockery of wings. Cables and tubes decend from the dark corners of the room, latching to her insides and keeping her aloft with the restraints on her shoulders and arms.

Yona can't stand to see it, but sitting below and shackled to the floor, she doesn't have much choice.

Scientists bustle around the room, checking vitals and preparing for whatever they plan to do next. In the center of the organized chaos is one man—sleaked black hair, daggers for brown eyes, a permanent smug look.

Yona hates him.

There's nothing she can do about it. Even if she could get out of the shackle on her ankle and try to claw the asshole's eyes out, two soulless droids guard the only way in and out, and if they fight anything like how her friend hovering above them does... she'd quickly find her bone-count tripled. So she sat still, not liking anything about what's going on, but forcing herself to watch anyways.

"The memory cable is ready," one scientist says to the man, Yona's royal-thorn-in-her-behind, Li.

Li grinned, turning to the droids guarding the room and nodding to one of them, his hand going to the Admin Stone in his pocket. He didn't need to be touching it for every little order he gave the droids, though rumors say that holding it does tend to have things run quicker.

The droid turns and leaves the room. Yona can barely wonder where it's going before Li catches her eye.

"You want me to beg?" She snapped, clenching her fists.

"This all would have gone by so much quicker if you talked," Li said, waving the scientist off. "And now we have to risk damaging equipment to get the answers I want."

[theresthesnitch]

How did you come to be 'ok' with how you feel and perceive the marauder era characters? Particularly with the rating of fic you write. I swing between feeling liberated and absolutely fucking terrified that someone irl will find out and my world will come crashing down around me.

I admire your strength and courage and you have spoken several times about not feeling guilty about this so I thought I'd ask.

Hey anon!

Sorry it took me a bit to get to this. I wanted to give it some real time to answer.

(Send me an ask about anything!)

Honestly? It's an ongoing struggle. I know I've said that I don't believe in feeling guilty for pleasures, but that's more aspirational than anything. I absolutely still feel the guilt, I just try to remind myself that there's no real reason for it. All of us have things we like or that turn us on, and as long as it's not harmful to others (and fanfiction is rarely harmful to others) there's no reason to feel guilt. I need reminders of that too.

Becoming okay with what I write is absolutely a process. There's a certain amount of unfortunate guilt that surrounds sex and consumption of sexual media that you have to work through. For me, maintaining my anonymity is a big part of that. I find it comforting that I could drop this account and delete everything, and no one would know it was me. (Not that I plan to!)

Also, I think a lot of it is age and experience. I'm over 30 and I have kids and exhaustion and there's just not much time left for feeling guilty about what I read and write. I write to give myself an outlet, and I share because I love feedback and talking about my work. I write what is interesting and fun for me, and I love that other people connect with it too.

The biggest hurdle for me to get past in order to be able to write what I do was just forgiving myself for enjoying it. Ignoring shame and guilt over a lifetime of repressed upbringing, and acknowledging that no one out there cares nearly as much as I do.

You also asked about how I perceive the marauders era and characters, which aside from the rating I write them, is a totally other thing. I actually recently had a conversation with *someone* (I won't name her in case she doesn't want this connected, but you're welcome to out yourself on it) about how something I wanted to do in Ignite might not be so popularly received if I did it. We talked through it (and I'd rather not give details now) but I share this just to say that I do still get nervous about the way I present them. Someone to talk you down on it is always helpful.

I'm not sure this is helpful, but I'm definitely open to talking about this more if you have other questions. Or if you just want someone to talk to, feel free to send me a message.

❤️❤️❤️