#i'm mentally checked out rn as well as i finally decided to proofread it after a week

[agendratum]

here's a little thing i wrote on subway rides after my night shifts inspired by the tags on this post and by this post.

"did you ever..." porsche trailed off without finishing his words.

pete looked up at him, confused. they were taking a break together after one of the jobs went less than smoothly. smoking quietly, resemblance of comfort in each other's presence. that wasn't the kind of comfort, if that could be an applicable word here, pete got around vegas in these situations, but it was still nice. besides, today vegas wasn't with them. pete thought it might have been a part of the problem.

porsche exhaled a puff of smoke.

"i mean you and vegas are kinda alike in these ways, right? but it must have started before him. remember that first job i followed you to? you were really calm about the whole thing back then. it was different, right? i mean, he was just some guy after all.. and i know kinn doesn't stomach these things quite like that too so-"

pete was desperately trying to follow porsche's extremely awkward train of thought. the straight-forward guy that he usually was, sometimes he really could not get to the point. coincidentally most of these times were related to "the ways pete and vegas were kinda alike".

"porsche, what the fuck are you talking about?"

pete tapped the ash off his cigarette. pete wasn't sure he wanted to answer whatever porsche was trying to ask.

"sorry, you know how i get when we have to do this shit. feels weird."

"still not used to it."

that pete could understand. porsche was porsche, and porsche wasn't of this world and sometimes pete wished back then, before everything had gone too far, given the chance, porsche would have agreed to leave. it would have been better for porsche, he knew. but pete tried not to linger too long on all the could have beens.

"yeah..." porsche laughed awkwardly. "just one more reason for vegas to hate me even more for taking this place."

pete frowned, pursing his lips.

"are you trying to tell me you care about vegas' approval in any of this?"

porsche huffed.

"no, no, that's not what i mean. it's just- it's not like he didn't know what he was doing. pete, you also- i think you also knew what you were doing."

pete was getting more confused and concerned by the second.

"what i'm trying to say is - did you ever got answers out of anyone in that way. not the brutal kind of way, the methodical one."

ah. here it is.

"like the way vegas did it?" he prompted, as calm as ever. took another long drag.

he knew porsche was uncomfortable. pete? wasn't really feeling either way. he could feel the skin tight around his body. he blinked, he knew how to do that.

"not quite like vegas."

he knew how his fingers were supposed to hold the cigarette so it looked natural. so no one could tell he had to move them manually. how to take another drag like other people did it. let the smoke out of the body, aware of how it moves inside of it. the body was a simple thing to control.

"and you're right, kinn didn't really stomach it that well."

pete really didn't feel much about the whole thing. he just had to move his eyelids cause his eyes, just like every other person's eyes, needed moisture. shift his legs, cause people get tired sitting in the same position. natural. like every other human did. pete just really didn't want to make porsche upset.

he wished vegas was with them tonight. if he was there, they wouldn't have been having this conversation. if he was there, pete wouldn't have to hold his skin so tightly around himself. they would have already been home by this time probably. taking it off.

he indeed wasn't quite like vegas when it came down to it. vegas in his futile attempts to make himself feel better about his miserable existence tried turning torture into an art form. everything was a performance, so was taking apart someone's body till they didn't have it in them to refuse him any longer. and then he would go on for some more. everything he did had to be perfect, so the art had to be complete. pete in his futile attempts to not care about turning his existence into less than human wrote everything off as his job description. which meant minimum effort for maximum results. where he just had to be efficient, vegas, if he had to he honest, and he tried to be when it came to everything vegas, was elegant. watching him pete could almost hear music.

he of course was not going to tell porsche about the music. after all, he didn't want to make porsche upset.

"a couple of times."

not like he actually counted.

"shit..."

porsche was honest in his reactions. pete envied him sometimes.

his skin was getting a bit too tight for the bones now. he wanted to drop his cigarette, but couldn't. wouldn't know where to put his hands then, what to do with fingers.

easier when the fingers are somebody else's. don't have to think too much. minimum efforts - maximum results.

not what porsche wanted to hear.

"it was just work, porsche. don't overthink it."

that was what made porsche look at him finally, with one of these stares of his that made pete want to crawl away. the side of porsche that he was not letting pete see glancing at the side of pete he was not letting porsche see. not recognition, but something just a bit too knowing. a reminder that pete willingly let porsche see a bit too much and there was no going back from it.

not that he wanted to go back. it was nice, the familiar feeling porsche gave him. it was nicer on the better days. still, for a second, pete imagined the world in which porsche never showed up in the doorway of his room. would have been pretty fucking lonely, he thought.

so pete held porsche's gaze. smiled with one corner of his mouth.

"i'm serious. i never did more than i had to. as simple as that."

porsche nodded, glancing intently at pete for a moment longer before throwing his head back and taking another drag.

actually there was one time pete did more than he had to. only once. but that was before theerapanyakuls entered his life. porsche didn't need to know about that time.

"sorry. feels kinda stupid worrying about this shit when i'm already so far in."

pete chuckled. his skin was tingling. stupid.

"you aren't stupid. well, sometimes you're, but-"

"pete!"

porsche kicked his leg, putting on a highly offended look. pete smiled, this time the smile reaching his eyes.

if porsche asked, pete would probably help him with it. he would do the dirtier of work for him, if only cause porsche wouldn't be good at it, not as good as pete would be anyway.

and maybe to not mess any further with already pretty muddy waters that was the section of pete's brain responsible for this kind of dirty work. he didn't want to add porsche to the mix. there was only one person pete wanted to keep in close proximity of the idea of cutting someone's flesh open. carving something hidden away, tucked deep inside. he would help porsche gladly, if only for the sake of keeping it that way.