#i'm keeping a diary now! been writing in it every day and even drawing a little!

[galsinspace]

Day 6 on ADHD meds. I woke up when my alarm rang, had breakfast while listening to some music, cleaned while listening to a podcast, and it's only now noon.

All unthinkable as little as a week ago.

Idk how to even explain this insane change to my friends. That inner paralysis I've lived with all my life. That block. That curse. A little over a week ago it took me 3 hours to put new sheets on my bed. Now I just do things.

This is a new life. Before it barely felt like a livable life, and suddenly it does.

[bluegekk0]

I've been in such an emotional slump lately. I fear that I upset my friends without realizing and now every interaction I feel like they're mad at me. It's like every time we chat I get the impression that they're annoyed with me, I keep thinking they're being sarcastic and trying to tell me to shut up in subtle ways, but I'm scared of asking cause what if I'm overreacting like I usually do? I just hate it so much. I feel like I'm such an exhausting person to be around and a little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me it would be better for everyone if I distanced myself.

And I'm also fighting really hard against the idea that people in general are getting bored of me. I know engagement is not everything, I know that drawing for myself should be a priority. It makes me happy, and I draw what I love BECAUSE I love it. But it's so hard for me to not hope for validation and feedback when I've been compared to others all childhood. And it stings so much when a drawing I'm super happy with maybe doesn't perform as well as I hoped (at least compares to the number of people who follow me). I don't know if it's not reaching people here or if it's just getting too repetitive for people to care anymore. Or perhaps people see my self-reblogs as desperate and get discourages from interacting for that reason? Maybe they're right for that.

I've also been looking into and educating myself on the experiences of autistic individuals since I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and I do relate to many of them, plus every test I take indicates that I might be autistic. So in theory, self diagnosing would help, right? I could stop worrying that I'm broken somehow or a failure of an adult, and just accept that my brain simply works differently and maybe even be more kind to myself. That sounds good. But then the doubts keep creeping in. I don't remember if I showed any signs in my childhood, I barely remember anything from it. So what if I'm wrong, what if there were none, and I'm just overanalyzing symptoms or even faking them? How can I consider myself part of the community if there is a chance I shouldn't be there at all? What if I'm just lazy, what if I'm an introverted, anxious loser who put themselves in this situation by being incompetent at everything, now trying to find excuses?

I don't know. There's so many exhausting thoughts that have been dragging my mood down for the past few days. And I guess I'm just waiting for it to pass since I'm so scared of actually going out there and getting help.

Well, there goes another oversharing session. I usually feel bad talking about this with my friends cause I don't want to put them under the obligation to respond. And with how terrible I am at responding to their struggles (not that I don't care, I'm just so, so bad at responding to emotions and putting my thoughts into words that don't make me sound robotic) it often feels too one sided. So I guess this is a way for me to scream into the void and give people a choice if they want to ignore it or respond. I could just write it down in a diary or something, but part of me is hoping that maybe this experience resonates with someone and I'd feel less alone. Or maybe I'm simply just desperate for advice or validation that would feed my ego.

[nicosraf]

hiyaaa i have a goofy question but if the angels in abm were to keep their own diary, what would their their most bizarre diary entry be about ? would they put anything in their diaries ? like a lock of hair or pressed petals or etc ? and have u ever had a diary ?

this is a cute question! and i've been really into journaling lately, so this ask makes me happy :)

Hmm I think Lucifer's diary would be, in general, so so so weird. It would be very pretty, of course, (full of pressed flowers and decorative paper and even some little gems) and he'd write down everything. I can see him writing Michael's name and surrounding it with pink hearts, and i can imagine all his entries about the strange feelings he has for him. At the same time, I can also see Lucifer's entries getting messier and uglier as he spirals. (Now I'm imagining ABM but as Lucifer diary entries :') )

Michael would only write the events he cares about I think. He usually doodles too, though he's not very good. He might draw a stick figure with long eyelashes and long hair and an arrow with the word "lucifer !!" attached. He writes about how he cares about his friends (and about how much he likes Lucifer, ofc)

Rosier always sets out to make a pretty, organized diary for a bunch of stuff, but he ends up making 90% of it just recipes and gardening notes for himself (he stuffs a lot of loose leaf notes into it, so it ends up messy). Sometimes there's a random doodle in there from Asmodeus.

I don't this Asmodeus could keep a diary, partly because of his personality and partly for... other reasons (I think seeing a material object representative of how long he's lived would drive him actually insane). I think he would really enjoy scribbling in Rosier's diary though.

Baal would also not be great at keeping a diary, but I think he'd suddenly get Very into it after meeting Lucifer. He would also write a lot about how Michael sucks. His most bizarre diary entry is one where he rants about how Michael is not as strong or hot as everyone thinks he is.... and he doesn't deserve to be Lucifer's friend.

Uriel wouldn't have a diary, but I think he might keep a journal of observations about life or living, and he'd definitely write to Kimah a lot. I think he might even frame it as letters to Kimah. (Maybe a part of him hopes he can hand it to Kimah one day to show him how life was all the time he was gone)

Raphael would mostly keep a work diary, with a couple sketches of the interesting injuries he encounters (pretty decent medical diagrams, i think !!). i think he also keeps a separate diary for fishing :)

Gabriel would write down every message God gives him. I think he just finds God really wise and... i think Gabriel sees God as a really comforting presence. Whenever he's sad, he just reads about all the words God had told him, and it makes him feel better </3

Also, to answer your last question — yes! i used to be really into diaries when i was little (until my diary got discovered and was thrown away when i was 13-ish). i recently got into journaling again though! :)

[masked-and-doomed]

NEW ME NEW INTRO!!

Hello, I'm Kat/Kats (or Yomotsu), welcome!! I am so normal about my boyfriends.

Please feel free to ask me about my OC, UG!! Hell, even cooler if you do it in a roleplay kinda way.

Other places you can find me:

@katsdoodles - art blog/archive.

Discord: thatonekats

👆 just in case. Tumblr explodes. Talk to me if you wanna ig (I am not good at conversing. So. Keep that in mind.)

Ao3: ThatOneKat2

👆 Might as well have it here. I've been more in a writing mood this year.

Twitter: @ThatOneKats

I have a twitter now I fucking guess. A bit of bonus content there (a little bit more of unhinged thoughts) but you're not missing much if you don't go there.

UG RP twt: @LIBRARIAMYLAMB

If you wanna see little bits of UG musing about go there.

--

Suspected BPD, have been diagnosed autistic. I will feel things very intensely either forever or feel nothing about it in the next hour max. You may see vent posts. Every now and then. Check the tagging system to block em out.

I am deeply in love and sickly affectionate for my 4 darlings. They're my boyfriends, girlfriends, besties- our relationship? Is uhh whatever man. It's love. It's love.

First two being Yomotsu Hirasaka (pfp), and Takao Hiyama. They are my most intense hyperfixation of 2 years.! They are from Mirai Nikki/Future Diary. An anime/manga which I don't really like.

The next beloved is Pocketcat! He is from Fear and Hunger. He's. A silly :) There's so much intrigue of him aaaghhh ough he is so sad.

Last one !! Faust. From Guilty Gear. He's a. He's somebody. Got him on Valentine's Day. He makes me a different kind of ill. Alas, this doctor cannot cure me.

They're 💙 just like me fr. I love them. URL is them btw. Masked men, doomed.

(comfortable with sharing and gushing together with everyone. I don't mind if you send or @ me in stuff that has Faust shipped with someone, (I like appreciating art of Faust in any form :] ) just know I'm uncomfy with all (canon x canon) Faust ships except Happy Chaos, meaning that I won't talk about them (eg., fau.slayer) together.)

I am. Also obsessed with my lambs as well. (The Conclave, consisting of Axus, Libraria, Baldias, and Chronus) They mean a lot to me. I wish to give them happiness they didn't have the time nor place for. You will see me reblog lambs and tag it as them. Feel free to send me lamb pictures, effectively beaming Conclave to me.

NOTE! I do sometimes post about needing my darlings to kill themselves, or wish great harm upon them. I will not always have positive things to say about them. I am a hater as much as I am a lover. (Not the "I want him dead" (lovingly) (though I do have sadism and would enjoy killing them for the fun of it), I have genuine hatred towards them all (Libraria the least) and I loathe their existence.

(if I had to guess, this is the bpd doing its thing)

--

Yayaya tagging system time!

#ah rambling - general yapping tag

#[MN/funger] rambling - ramblings of MN or funger

#[MN/funger] bangers - memes/shitposts of that fandom

#oc time - posts about the little OCs I have (currently empty. DW about it)

#unnamed girlie - posts about my self insert. (UG for short)

#UG spoilers - in case you wanna go through the UG tag but not be spoiled about the endings and such.

#guy in my head - headcanon posts

#doodle tag - stuff not high effort enough to put into my art blog goes here

#reblog moment - reblogs! So you can filter them out

#lovesick - yandere / obsessive behaviour

#gatito - kitty tag.

#belalang beloveds - grasshopper tag. Belalang is grasshopper in Malay :)

#art save - images I wanna draw (typically memes I wanna draw with my guys)

#art reference material - reblogs of posts with helpful art stuff

#general reference material - reblogs of posts with whatever that isn't art. Not really 'general' perse but I don't have another word

#epic meowtual art - art by the meowtuals!

#ask game - reblogs of ask game posts

#ask game answer - answers to asks abt the ask game

#hello asker - ask tag

#tag game - reblog of posts that are meant to have you tag other ppl to continue the chain

#negative. And #/negative are used for vent posts. Make those sometimes.

#hxrny aroace on main - (mind the x) epic posts where I feel feelings for some characters (carnally)

#fanfic shit idfk - posts related to fanfics I'm reading (or something like that)

#girl what you on?? - posts where I'm in some sort of delirium, talking to my beloveds. And being ill about them.

#shit I send to fictional guy - posts I'd send to fictional characters. Will prob have their name tagged too.

#unnamed oc core - wow it's just like him fr. Many things will be tagged this btw. They are not okay. (Same person as UG jsyk)

#pocketkitty - for posts I don't want in the pocket.cat tag or reblogging posts that are like pocket.cat. (only applies to him everyone else gets tagged with their name in posts that are like them)

#robot nephew - similar to pocketkitty just that it's. Mr robo.t K.y

#silly doctor man - I fell into gui.lty g.ear and now I'm in love with this bozo. When I don't want it to be in the main tag. Yes like pocketkitty and robo bo.

#mister omelette - guy that asks which came first the chicken or the egg. Answers himself, it's omelette.

#mask quartet - fucking stupid masked bitches trying to save humanity gone wrong

Liveblog tags:

Guilty gear: #pride in my gears: sign, #pride in my gears: rev, #pride in my gears: overture, #pride in my gears: strive

--

Tag me in stuff you think I like!! I don't mind! Or like tag games.

There's also a *cough cough* side blog. For degenerate thoughts of mine. If you want it just give a DM ig.

--

Pictures i want here

(This applies mostly to Faust. Sorry not sorry Faust. I will give you the worst horrors.)

(This is me any time someone mentions Conclave. I wish I could say I was exaggerating. I'll just say that Conclave has spiked my libido and I've been the fastest to draw suggestive art of them and write smut of them than of any other character I've fallen in love with. I need them carnally. And I tell you, it is a need.)

[things-about-cars-in-posts]

[Context: this comment in the Volvo post]

here's the deets on the volvo. i had one of these but it was stock. it was also AWESOME.

Fuck, now I want THREE of these.

I don't see mention of an AWD conversion in the article tho, has he done it after thi- what is it? Oh, why I would want three. Yeah that's a fair question. So, well, I want one like that, obviously, and as for the remaining two, well: For one, I've had this project I nicknamed "Rice 'n' Shine". (Rice as in the automotive term for tacky, low-tier garb stapled onto a car to emulate cooler cars, which people claim to stem from the acronym "Race Inspired Cosmetic Enhancements" because saying the term originated from this style being applied to Japanese cars sounds kinda racist dunnit.) A way to celebrate and showcase the creativity that can be found in the car world, to create a spectacle that lights up people's day and, hopefully, sparks someone's imagination. Basically, the core idea is going through the car's every component and go "what is the wildest, most absurd, most miles-out-of-left-field shit I have ever seen done with this component... and how can I outdo it?"

For example, the exhaust. Remember that crazy Subaru Vivio Bistro I posted at the end of the transfem cars post? (How's that for a sentence most people will not say, eh) Well, I've seen crazier. Because the bosozoku style keeps on giving, there would be too many pictures of crazy exhausts to show, but for the longest time the title of most outlandish exhaust to ever grace my eyes has been held by this picture.

Thus, here is a sketch from my ’17/’18 school diary of how I would do the exhaust on this Volvo.

Of note are the transparent shapes on the lower half, which would be the bodykit. See, of course, the Volvo should have a bodykit, right, and of course it should be quite the outlandish thing. Yet again, bosozoku to the rescue.

(And I've seen people more ignorant of bosozoku culture call bundle builds like these with "rice", but at this point the word kind of starts to lose its meaning. I mean, defining this years-long effort with the same word as the people who put whistles in their exhaust to pretend they have a turbo (real thing btw)? And also, it very much stretches "race inspired". I mean, fuck kinda racecars do you think the Japanese had?

Hm. Fair enough.) But the idea there was, instead of having the exhaust stick out of the bodykit, to have it within the bodykit's width, and when it gets to the edge of the exhausts it just... stops, to only keep going when there's no exhaust again, creating all those shapes that stick out the fenders like horizontal scale skyscrapers. However, given the idea is to make it out of acrylic so its entire profile can look like these little side skirt accents...

...it could just be inside the bodykit, as it would still be visible. However, I noticed literally as I was writing that I can't both have the exhaust not stick out from the bodykit and have it go over a rear wheel that sticks out as far as the bodykit does. So how's this for an idea: what if that one wheel just doesn't? What if that one wheel just stays narrow? After all, it's not like the Renault R4 didn't just fucking have one rear wheel further forward than the other.

Because of course it's the French. And you know what? They're right! Why the fuck not? Nothing can be forbidden when you recognize no God. Trade nudes with your professor. Oh, and also, if you look back at my drawing's corner window, those little circles in it are outward facing speakers, so you can do the whole "car plays music so loud I hear it very clearly from a distance away" without getting hearing damage. So those were three ideas out of the several dozens I have. I should probably make an MMMM-style list once I'm done with that.

Either way, the second idea is more performance-oriented, but do not take this to mean it's any bit more serious. See, as shown by this picture from the article, Volvo engine bays have tons of foolishly empty space that could be filled with more cylinders.

I'm far from the first one to wise up to this, so much that you have multiple people who make mounts and bits for those ditching the stock engine in favor of an LS V8. But I don't want the 5.3L LS. I want a 4.0L V8 (like Toyota's 1UZ) to stick two turbos onto and bring it to 600hp. Why specify specifications so specific, you may ask. Well, because 4.0L, eight cylinders split into two cylinder banks, two turbos and 600hp is exactly half the specs of the Bugatti Veyron Super Sport. So if I just put another identical engine in the trunk to power the rear wheels... :)

If you're struggling to see my vision, this may help.

Oh, actually, here is the best meme of this sort I've ever seen:

It's not just the quality of the photoshop, it's that this is Caterham camera car (Caterha car?) is real...

...and that this is not a meme, that is actually the car that filmed the Chiron video. Well, the 'lower speed' parts. The other one was another Bugatti. OBVIOUSLY.

Links in blue are posts of mine about the topic in question: if you liked this post, you might like those - or the blog’s Discord server, linked in the pinned post!

P.S. I love the icon situation of how this post appeared in my inbox.

"It's not ok to reblog from me or my son ever again"

[sillycyan]

「 Daydreamtober 2024 」

I'm using the prompts to write, explain, draw, or just daydream more about the first events or facts that come to me when I see the word. Some things will be longer or higher quality than others, so please bear with me a lil bit. I gotta post lore somehow..

⟻ Day 28 — Doubt ⟼ Word Count : 531

GarfieldGirl writes in her diary after a long day…

Dear Diary, It feels a bit weird coming back to this little book again. I never thought I’d be sitting on my bed writing in my diary after a long day, but here I am lol. I guess I’m here to update myself but I know how weird that sounds. It’s been a long month and honestly I haven’t had the time to just sit and rant. So... here’s the news.. can't even believe it myself but.. I GOT INTO NumberWon!!! AHHH I was so excited I forgot to even write it down! Like can you believe it? I CANT!! I’m living the dream!! or at least what was supposed to be the dream. If I’m being real here, it’s been a lot LIKE I’m talking taking pictures of myself all the time every. single. day. It’s starting to feel like my life is just one looong photoshoot. I haven’t done any major gigs yet and my manager is pretty strict about what I post. He’s cool though, I’m sure he has my best interests at heart... but this isn’t what I imagined. I feel like I’m juggling a hundred things and trying to keep up with all these other actual models who seem to have it all together. They’ve got teams, famous friends friends, cool PR... and here I am, in my stupid Garfield getup, wondering if I’m even doing enough. Am I enough? I told myself I wouldn’t read the comments, but of course, I caved…. It’s like looking through a window at a life that doesn’t feel like mine. I wanted this right? I really wanted to live this life. But now I just want to have fun again without worrying about the perfect picture or playing the perfect persona for the world. I miss just going out!! Doing all these things without having to document it. Sometimes it feels like I’m losing myself in all of this!!!! Anyway, today was actually pretty good! I did some cleaning (Grams is always on about how a clean home is a happy one), and I paid her back for that thing I ordered a few months ago. So that felt nice. OH MY GOSH I met THE Donis Oviah!!! He’s SO TALL and soooo nice!! If I still had my personal blog, I’d be gushing about it nonstop. But alas, no personally run blogs or accounts allowed they said... SIGHHH and don’t even get me started on my manager’s assistant. He’s my age and I maaaaay or maaaay not have stopped him outside for a little conversation. Tried to get his number (in a totally friendly way of course) but he said he’s not allowed. RIP MEEEE I’m trying to trust my team and my manager and all of it, but it’s so hard. I think I just need more time to get used to everything. It’s still better than working at the supermarket LOLOLOL I can practically smell that sticky cash register just thinking about it UGH We will see how things go... JUST TURNED MODEL, GG <3 PS.. I might have spent half my first check on more clothes.

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

So happy I finished one of my biggies, happeir it made other's day (or just hurt their feels, I'm sorry I know im depressing heh 8"c

Hugs to dears💛

I've been doing nothing but strictly drawing lately, thanks to the wave of bugs that is paralysing my normal focus and gives me constant nightmares that jolts me awake every time I'm desperately fallen asleep. They are not as intense anymore, thankfully, but my paranoia wouldn't let out.

On the bright side, I am drawing more than ever and those sticky notes taken down at last after a century of em up 8D ✨️✨️✨️

(Just wanted to show a sense of their volume at the beginning, these are just the ones who perished and I thought I came out to piles of dirt, at first x'c)

In the pauses between the signing muse in my brain, in complete immersion, i don't remember what got me to guardians discussing something, and it came about the subject of mental health and trauma. Some way or another, I managed to tell one of my truths, which is that I am fairly certain that I am on the spectrum. Of course, it started with the usual denial and unreasonable yelling. Yelling that automatically shuts me down, but I yelled back even though my voice wasn't helping. It keeps disappearing alongside the ability to find words as I try to explain it all. Finally, I felt it dawned on them, and only when they said they 'now know it is to find help with', I broke down. They were comforting me by keep saying we'll fix it. I wanted to say it's not something broken to be fixed, but I was deep in hyperventilation to be able to articulate it..

It has been a few weeks since then, and I didn't want to bring it up because my chest was hurting me too long after the ordeal.

In a way, I don't know why i bothered to tell them because realistically, they can't do anything. As everything dear or near to me, I can't tell them causally, and it never had real bearing on anything. They need tending cause they are ill and elderly, and i do my best until it comes to dealing with people, I become just as crippled and can't function without them. I never show them my art, or tell em i want surgery for my dysphoria or I'm none of society's conditioning of identities or whatever they are willfully ignorant in. But I make points to remind them that im not a mere gender and I still correct them when they wrong name me, my simplest wishes they can't comply with. Even by the religionlNthey uphold, not to call women a degrading word in arabic that means that she is a forbidden object, they kept using it it but not around me... I don't know why i try, but they are my world, my only world, and the only humans i know and depend on. I'm not able to do anything now but draw, everything else i tried to do i either have forgotten or have no further means to do more, I might as well have forgotten how to speak English if it wasn't in everything I communicate with, consume and own set to it, and every now nd then write these so called diaries, ive already forgotten how to write my precious poems in arabic, or write in arabic as swiftly as i used to. I wake up most days with complete apathy or regret that I'm still living and costing to take space in this world.. my guardian asked me, who in support or women driving and having independent lives, if I could right now a chance learn to drive, will I do it. I said no. Even tho for years I knew with upmost certainty that I could do it, I always wanted to do it and have endless dreams of me driving, I always studied the booklets with our car to learn the road signs and all. But now I can't. Things I did by force of necessity on my own, I can't do anymore. I know I'm not the good elder sibling either cause I'm not always there to argue for my siblings, and it adds more and more to the guilt I can't clear, but I try buy them toys or a meal every chance I get commissioned.

I don't know what can be set in motion, at least I know I can hold on till 36, and while still having my drawing list to go through. Even with the same old interests, or hyperfixations should i say, things I can't change and seemingly have no gain posting around, especially when it comes to fanart. Otherwise, will be doodling fantasy junk such as these on me own

I wish all of you the best 🍀

Crying with makeup on and then laughing cuz I forgot I tried to do art on my face and now we can add 'crying in makeup' to our first time experiences lo' 10 pm, 6.6.2023

[siriuslystarbucks]

James doodled snitches and his crush' initials on exam (god help me this is cute), i think he'd totally keep a diary! Would carry it in a bag with books and be in general pretty careless even trough he adorns pages with SB + JP and waxes poetics abt him. Maybe Sirius would keep a diary, too? Probably charmed so the pages would seem empty, hidden in dorm etc. Also I think Sirius would write poetry abt James and would take awhile to show him even after they got together :D

A typical morning diary entry by James Potter:

Dear Diary, today, Sirius decided to part his hair on the left side instead of the right, so when I saw him, I nearly tripped down the stairs. He caught my arm before I could, because he's wonderful <3 I really should ask what product he uses in his hair, because I swear it's getting thicker and smoother every time I touch it.

We have Potions first thing, and since Slughorn lets us partner up each time, I get to see Sirius pull his hair back and then let it down again. He'll whinge the whole time, but he always smirks at me while he does it. Besides, his voice is so nice that him complaining never bothers me. Perish the thought. Sirius has the voice of an angel. Sirius Potter... I bet he'd sound particularly good saying his new name. Okay Diary, I admit that I haven't asked him out yet, so our marriage is in the distance, but I'm confident it'll happen one day. I mean, let's be honest: he has a special smile for me. He wouldn't have a me-smile if we weren't on the same wavelength.

Off to classes for now,

James of the future James and Sirius Potter Household <3

And of course the entire page is covered in hearts and Sirius's initials and little doodles of Padfoot and Prongs playing together.

His nighttime entries are more poetic because he's tired enough to really let go and be romantic. He stuffs it in his bag with all his regular textbooks and doesn't worry about it.

Sirius's diary on the other hand, is charmed out the wazoo. Nobody knows what's in it, and they don't have a hope of finding out unless he says so. He may or may not have been perfecting his romantic poetry over the years. He's quite proud of the latest ones, but gods, no, James don't ever read it, it's embarrassing! James finds all of his poems to be the best thing in the world, but Sirius was very hesitant to show them because they're so damn mushy. It's impossible to read one and not know how head over heels he is for James. It's like having his heart on display, and even when it's James he's showing it to, it feels too vulnerable.

(If James thought he could get away with it, he'd write all of Sirius's poems in calligraphy and draw art around them and frame them. When they get a house, he would be all too happy to plaster their walls with the poems)

[obscuredpunk]

10/23/2024 it's been six years since I logged in.

looking back.. I always wish I could go back. life always goes this way. when you're older you do learn a lot more. I wouldn't call it so much as jaded but things start generally becoming more predictable. and you start getting less and less surprised. i guess I also never thought I'd feel lonelier than I did at twenty-two. but that feeling comes and goes constantly. I've gotten even lonelier than I was at twenty, again at twenty-four, all through now. I guess I might know some more folks. but I don't have many I'm really close to. it's hard to keep people close. I'm really grateful for a lot of new friendships I made along the way. I miss the way I used to express myself on here. it always felt like a place I could write like it were my digital diary, all of my moody emotions, everything I felt down to my core, I used to love recording it here on my "blog." I miss finding music and following bands I liked. it was so normal for everyone to be more active on this platform. not to mention a great place to find artwork to inspire me.. I realized instagram just doesn't have that. I truly miss how isolated I felt on this platform and how cool it would be to follow a popular blogger and see them answer questions :o I say I miss this but maybe I miss my high school self. I really believed in myself so strongly. now the feeling is more..I want to do things. but something feels like it's blocking me. how was it so easy for me to draw every single day... I'm sure it's my shitty day job but still. I thought I was stronger than this. what have I learned over the past six years... the biggest lesson that I've proudly mastered is learning to love spending time by myself. I'm twenty-eight now. it still feels so crazy to say out loud, and I'm half way to my next year. ouuuuuch.

alexa

[e1ectrostatic]

hello tumblr dot com

forcibly breaking a months-long silence with a diary entry yay

as usual i'm so bad at posting omfg. i think that's overall a good thing (hashtag keeping my secrets etc) but there is community here i want to be involved in, so no harm done in periodically dusting off my blogs.

what gets me honestly is the fact that after you go long enough without posting, your next post/reblog will notify people who follow you like "check this shit out" wtf. this does not bode well for someone who goes long periods of time without having anything to say

so i go even longer without posting because i hum and haw about what post or reblog is "worth" potentially notifying people over. well i'm ripping the bandaid here and now so i'll be free.... at least until i run out of things to post again

as one might imagine, a few changes have happened in the months since i last posted :D

i don't feel inclined to share every little detail, but i've been busier as of late, and it feels nice. i'm also drawing a bit more, which i'm really enjoying as well. overall, i feel more here and present and connected than i did before. i also feel like i have more direction and hope for the future. hooray!

there are some cons to this newfound business... i have less time to indulge in nonsense and tomfoolery and all that. but i'm still finding time to do that well enough.

over the next few days or weeks (or months lol) i hope to continue working on the 30 day fictkin challenge i started. i also intend to write personal essays and the like about my noemata, just to archive them. i also have a pretty big backlog of art i've never posted here, so i can probably drop some of that periodically when i don't have anything to say but still want to keep the blog in an "active" state.

to finish this post off, i'll make a little list of things i plan on doing in the immediate-to-near future, for myself and for anyone curious :]

work on/finish 30 day fictkin challenge

write essays on my experiences with alterhumanity

^ can be meta stuff, or anecdotes, or musing, or anything outside and in-between

post some art so it doesn't accumulate, and my blogs don't stay stagnant

shake off the uncertainty about interacting with others' posts. for real. people are not annoyed by you liking or reblogging from them. just do it

try talking more in general perhaps

continue working on my personal website :]

finish my forum signature for the nonhuman national park so i can make an intro post X_X

make announcement posts for my commissions and ko-fi

[yakultii]

I ain't scared, I just thought I might get the most best answer this way..I'm wondering what poet or poem you read (or were read in your childhood) that had you looking for more and aspiring to write your own? If it was a traumatic event, I feel you there. .it can really help to read a complete stranger's words of pain, when they harmonize with our own. I admit, I have only read a couple of your poems but I love your voice, keep on keepin on ☮️ 🕉 💛

HAHA DW I LOVE ANONS <33333 I encourage it.

HONESTLY no poetry inspired me to write poetry (IRONIC) I thought I hated poetry!!!! I’ve written many things since I was a kid but always been more of an essay kinda dude..I attempted to read poetry a few times over my lifetime and mostly it made no sense to me..I thought it was just a bunch of pretentious ppl flexing their advanced vocab (which honestly I lack bc of a whole other story I won’t get into and maybe I was just jealous) - the only time I wrote a poem was back in final yr of highschool lit class when my brain was malnourished af and writing it made me want to kms plus I had major imposter syndrome (and then my lovely grandma went and sent it in to a poetry magazine without me knowing and it got published and still I didn’t think poetry was for me) only in more recent times I no longer have access to a psych who I can send weekly 3000 word emails to and I needed to do something so that I would stop driving myself completely insane bc I also live alone 4hrs from family and no friends so have noone to save me but myself so I started writing every day on wattpad like a digital diary entry(today was day 118 in a row) then I started to see others who had written poetry and combined w the fact that I’ve come very far over the yrs in terms with perfectionism (as in not needing to be) I found myself in a place realising that poetry didn’t have to be “good” and that I could just make it work for me. I could just write for myself. To get things out (even tho it’s only like 5% of my mind). It didn’t need to look impressive for others etc like what I used to think poetry did… so yeah basically poetry is just my budget therapy now and a tool to prevent me from ending things :))))) everything I write about (so far, at time of writing) is from real life experience and I love using it as an outlet to say the things that wouldn’t be taken so well if they were said out loud.. cause everyone has some sort of darker side whether they are exposed to it or not and whilst I do hold onto a lot of hope I love being able to have an outlet to get the rot out of me or at least create something with it so it’s not completely useless and all consuming. ALSO I think it’s cool that poetry allows you to turn your words into art. I’ve always loved art and ppl consider me arty or whatevs but I can’t draw or paint (well - not that it matters) so this is kinda something that comes more naturally to me! (I’ve only been writing poetry for 4 months now so hopefully I can only get better)… AND THANK THE LORD in the meantime as I have come to write my own poetry I am now able to appreciate other people’s poetry, I can understand it more, I can be inspired by it, I can admire it. I get it now. Or at least I think I’m starting to get it…. But to answer ur question l wouldn’t say it was a singular traumatic event which inspired it but rather a combined experience of like 20 genuinely traumatic events combined with being neurodiverse & a lifetime of various mental illnesses which I wouldn’t say are all treated etc. and quite honestly having read NOTHING in the past which resonated with the depth of my own experience so I thought you know what I know I can’t be the only one feeling this, I’m gonna try write my own! If I can’t read it I’ll write it and hope I can be that for someone else I guessss

SOZ FOR RANT IDK HOW TO STFU AND THANK YOU FOR READING A FEW OF MY POEMS AND THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ILY HAVE A LOVELY DAY <33

[dyst0p14-n]

I don't really know who I am yet.

Ever since I learnt to string together coherent sentences, I've always liked writing like these little introduction entries. Whether it be in a new notebook, online, or even in my stories, I love being able to talk about myself. I used to think I was egotistical, so I just kept these entries to myself, but I've grown to realise it's less of a "I love myself to bits" thing, and more of a "catching up with myself every once in a while" thing. I think it's important to check in on yourself every once in a while. You know, to keep yourself from totally losing your mind and ending up in a psych ward. I mean, I'll end up in a psych ward regardless. What I'm trying to get at is hi, welcome to my little online diary. Fair word of warning, I have a lot of issues and I've seen literal porn on this website, so I'm not exactly worried about my posts being taken down if I talk about actively cvtting myself (I'll like censor my words just to be safe). Trigger warning for every single trigger under the sun: svicide, self h4rm, eating "this order", mommy and daddy issues, substance abuse, just to name a fun few. Obviously, my whole life doesn't revolve around that stuff (it absolutely does, I'm just gaslighting myself), so it's not like all my entries will be suicide letter after suicide letter.. or something. I might post it in the future though, so look forward to that!

ANYWAY, hi. I'm Amelia (people also call me Jemma if they're feeling funky), I'm 16 as of the 31st of March, and I'll be treating this as my diary. Basically decided on making this on a whim, so I have no clue whether I'll be writing here every day, or just once in a blue moon, time will tell. Honestly, I made this account to commemorate me surviving this long. I never imagied I'd make it to 16, and yet here we are. I didn't plan on making it this far, and I really don't have any plans on what to do with myself. I'm kinda at a loss. Before, it's just been a countdown to the day my candle goes out. Now, I wake up confused. What am I doing here? What is there for me? Is there anything for me out there? Everyday is a question. A question to which the answer is unclear, but I can make an educated guess that it's either drugs, money or death. Maybe all of the above.

I guess theres a few things I like to do. I'll get into detail in a later entry if I feel like it. It's getting pretty late.

I draw sometimes. I used to only do digital art, but I lost my apple pencil and have been too embarrased to tell my mam, so i just switched to permenant pencil drawings. I actually prefer it. I used to hate it because I was really bad at anatomy and using a digital drawing program let me rearrange the limbs as I so pleased. I can't do that on paper, it forces me to practice and get better. And I'd like to think that I have. I understand muscle structure a lot better. Perspective, and all that jazz. I also bought a watercolour set recently, so I've been messing around with that. It's pretty fun!

I also write stories. A lot of them. I'm actually in the process of writing the pilot episode for one of my projects; It's called "All-in". Its about this snobby rich girl who is running an illegal underground gambling ring who meets this depressed traumatised orphan boy who's part of a gang that is trying to take down the mafia and is constantly on someone’s kill list, he accidentally drags her into his business after his brother is kidnapped and the mafia thinks shes affiliated with him and she is now on the kill list as well. He is under the impression that she doesn’t want anything to do with any of this, not knowing she has a criminal record of her own. It's a whole thing, I won't bore myself by explaining all the small details. This is my diary! It exists for my leisure and to let out everything on my mind! I'll leave the work to work hours.

Another major hobby of mine is volleyball. Officially, I'm a setter. In reality, I'm a bench warmer. I haven't been playing very long. Maybe a year and a half. So naturally, I suck at it. I still have a lot of fun with it. Maybe i shoud become a professional volleyball player if I don't end up killing myself?

What else is there about me.... I listen to a lot of rock and metal. All sorts of varients of the two. Really, I like all genres of music, these are just my personal favourites. I also listen to a ton of vocaloid. It's been a staple of my personality since 2016. If youve been here since before i repurposed this account (which, I doubt you did), then you'd have seen my entire page was FILLED with Hatsune Miku stuff. Big fan.

I watch a lot of anime. My favourites are FMA, Soul Eater and Assassination Classroom. I also have a manga collection that is worth over 450 quid. Some might say thats a waste, since I'm poor and could use that money to feed myself for a month, but food is temporary, wasted female lead potentional is forever.

I'm gonna gp to sleep now. I'll add on whatever I can think of when I'm back from school tomorrow.

...

School sucks dick.

-amelia

[buckybarnesdiaries]

bucky barnes x reader. masterlist.

part 1 — part 2 (soon)

a / n. this is a series of 15 mini-drabbles to celebrate the 500 followers' milestone, based on one word for each story. this first part contains 8, and the next one contains 7. it was supposed to be posted one story per day, but by that way, it'd take me to last an eternity to post other works / requests.

words. 1.533.

warning, tags. none, just a bunch of fluffy and cute situations with bucky.

join my tag list.

necklace;

It was the first time since you started to date that Bucky had to leave for a mission. Neither of the two of you knew when he'd be back, and that got you worried than ever. You were conscious of what he did for a living when you met him, but you couldn't help but feel scared. Next to the front door of your apartment, Bucky left his backpack on the floor, leaning to cup your cheeks on his palms and kiss your lips tortuously slow.

“I'll be okay, (Y/N)”. He murmured keeping his eyes closed.

“You better”.

Your hidden threat made him giggle. The soldier felt goosebumps bristling his skin as your fingertips toured his neck blindly, just to put in place the chain of his necklace. But soon, Bucky stopped your moves to take it off from him and place his dog tags on you.

“I'll come back for them”. He promised, fixing his pale blue orbs on yours, holding your hands to bring them to his lips and place fond kisses on every knuckle of both. “I love you, don' forget it, okay?”

“I won't... How could I, Buck?”

eclipsed;

Bucky was sweating, still not believing he was about to get married to the love of his life. He was on the altar, waiting for you and surrounded by all of your friends in common. Steve had had to help him with a panic attack he had suffered while dressing up, thinking that maybe you could change your opinion at the last moment. He couldn't blame you. But all those doubts vanished at the second you crossed the huge, heavy doors of the church. Your beauty eclipsed him, wearing a white lace wedding dress and seeming like you floated over the floor. Just like an angel.

His heart jumped. His oceanic eyes got covered in tears. A giggle escaped his lips, stretching a hand towards you, still praying it's not a dream. And you noticed the tension and the nervousness running his veins, leaning forward to kiss his cheek with all the love you felt for your future husband.

“Can't wait to say yes”. You whispered into his ear, causing Bucky to lace his arms around you and embrace you tight and tenderly. “I love you, James, from now and forever”.

sunset;

After his most recent nightmare and walking all grumpy from one side of another around your house, you decided to cheer him up only like you can do. With reluctance, you managed to get him out of your apartment and drag him to your car. Bucky was like a child, cross-armed, lips puckered and frowning annoyed. He tried to hide the fact that he had another nightmare to not worry you, but you weren't stupid.

Thinking that glimpsing the beach throughout the large front window would make him feel happier, your boyfriend just reclined himself on the seat, causing you to roll your eyes. That mood changed as soon as Bucky was sitting on the sand, between your legs, tho. His back was resting against your chest and his neck was wrapped by one of your arms, watching fascinated the sunset on the horizon. He wouldn't recognize it, but he felt much better hearing the waves crashing into the shore, while you stroked his scalp tenderly using the tip of your nails.

“You're welcome, grumpy mummy”.

clingy;

You didn't want to drink, but Sam and Sarah wanted to celebrate that the family business was picking up. On another occasion, you wouldn't mind, but Bucky was there. So, when everything started to spin around, you lead your clumsy steps to the edge of the harbor, having a sit there and let the soft breeze help you.

“Stop”. You heard from behind.

“Uh?”

“You're stealing my antisocial personality”. Bucky chuckled, taking a seat by your side. “What's up? Why are you here all alone?”

“Truth or lie?” You asked tilting your head towards him, raising both eyebrows.

“Truth”. He scoffed as if it wasn't obvious.

“I'm too clingy when I'm drunk”.

“Can't see the problem there”.

You chuckled, shaking your head inevitably, causing him to pucker his lips with a funny grimace.

“What?”

“Tru—”.

“Truth”.

“I've been all night wanting to rub your beard”.

Bucky exploded in loud laughter, not believing your words until you put your hands on his jawline. “God... It's so soft”.

His laughs increased, causing you to burn in shame. “No more drinks for you, ma'am...”

But the fact was that he turned to you, so it could be easy to caress his face.

safe;

Bucky was deadly tired on the sofa, warmly cuddled between your arms. A while ago, he stopped to pay attention to the movie, turning his back to the TV to hide his exhausted expression on your chest. You placed the cozy blanket over your bodies, making sure it covered both of you, being aware that tonight you'd sleep there. You felt sorry just at the thought of waking him up, seeing him peacefully breathing and his face more relaxed than the last few days.

Shutting off the TV and stretching an arm above your head, you turned off the small lamp on the auxiliary table close to the sofa, before getting comfier by Bucky's side. Your boyfriend purred delighted, still sleepy, as your fingers got tangled on his hair and started to scratch his scalp slowly, urging you somehow to place a leg over his waist, so he could settle between both a little more closely.

“Feel better?”

“I feel safe”. He replied in a low breath, to exhale the sweet scent concentrated on your neck.

“You're safe, James. You're at home”. Your calmed tone made him sigh, snuggling you strongly.

stay;

You snapped awake because of some knocks on the front door. Tossing the sheets to a side of the bed, you grabbed the gun under your pillow. It was stupidity. If somebody wanted to kill you, that would be the last thing they'd do: knock the door. You walked slowly, step by step, through the main hallway aiming to the door, more than ready to shoot your assailant.

“It's... Bucky”. You heard from the other side.

Sighing in relief and closing your eyes for a split second, you left the weapon on the dinner table in the living room. Not doubting on opening the door, you couldn't help but raise an eyebrow when you noticed the reddened mark around his left eye and cheek.

“Can I, uh... stay tonight with you?” Bucky inquired, licking his upper lip ashamed, bowing his eyes down to his boots covered in dust.

“C'mon, Sergeant”. You invited him to walk in, using such a sweet tone, while holding his cold hand.

He looked like shit but felt much better when his arms got wrapped around your waist and middle-back, hiding his face into your neck. Kicking the door shut, you embraced him tighter to your body.

notebook;

You were lying on the opposite side to Bucky on the sofa, but keeping your legs tangled. It was a rainy evening with nothing to do and you decided to start to read the book you bought last week. Your boyfriend was silently doing something in a notebook. Maybe writing memories, maybe doodling, you didn't know. But the third time you caught him staring at you, you had to ask.

“What?”

“Uh... nothing”. He whispered focused on the paper in front of his eyes.

“Whaaat?” You kicked his right leg with your bare foot causing him to chuckle.

“Nothing!” Bucky replied using the same playfully tone of voice.

Putting the book on the coffee table, you sat up to lie on top of him, cuddling between his legs and resting your head on his chest. Glancing to the sketch of yourself he was drawing, you raised your heart-eyes to his. It was such a piece of art. The drawing and Bucky. Both.

“I learned in Romania. It kept me sane sometimes”. He confessed, leaning to place a kiss on your forehead. “I want to remember you forever”.

marshmallow;

“Truth or dare?”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, leaning on the table just like you did, challenging him. He was trying to read your mind to figure out which were your intentions.

“Dare”. He answered firmly.

“Put twenty marshmallows in your mouth”.

The soldier stared at you in silence, watching him lick his inner cheek and push it with the tip of his tongue. He nodded his head then, grabbing the plastic bag without losing eye contact, to start to place —one by one— the sweets into his mouth. In less than thirty seconds, he looked like a squirrel with his cheek swollen. Bucky squinted at you again, triumphant.

“Hold on, I need to capture this moment”. You laughed, catching your phone to take a picture.

When the flash went off, he spitted a marshmallow like a shotgun. And you couldn't help but laugh.

“C'mon, Bu—”.

You didn't finish the sentence, being hit by another marshmallow slightly wet because of his saliva. Your grimace turned into a funny disgust, grabbing it back to throw it to his face.

“You're like a five years old in a body fos— STOP!” You ended up giggling as he spitted you the third one.

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[noodledesk]

hi! ive been reading your dessin newsletter and i find it so inspiring and ultimately it made me think about why do i feel the need to define myself as an artist and how lately i just have feel like an impostor because its been so long since i painted or written anything. i think i need some kind of routine to keep art as a part of my identity because i have felt a little lost lately, idk. and you see idk if i should think of art that way, as something i want to keep to myself, as smething i should perform. sorry im a mess i just been confused this days and i wonder if you got any tips around this kind of stuff. sending you all the good vibes

hi! i appreciate you sending this ask and i'm happy to hear you are reading my tiny newsletter... <3

honestly i started it because i was feeling really lost and weird and avoidant about making art (specifically drawing), so i wanted a space where i could work through and process and think about those feelings. it's also turned into a place where i can think about the other ways i like to be creative, which i didn't imagine and which i am grateful for.

that being said, the questions you're thinking about - wanting to keep art as part of your identity, what makes art part of your identity, is it something private or something to share, etc. those are all things i puzzle about too. honestly i have no real answers!

what i can do is tell you a little bit about where i am right now, if that helps...while i do really agree with what bjork says about creativity being this thing you shouldn't try to force or corner or be harsh to and to seek it out in new and imaginative places, i also believe that it's something you gotta practice. esp if there are skills you want to get better at. and i found that by making art into a habit i can keep track of every day, i can encourage myself to clock in and make something. having structure makes it easier for me to get over that hurdle of deciding to make something each day, which helps me a lot. making space to make art has ended up being important to me, even if i don't make anything i like that day. i still made something.

on identity - honestly recently i've just started to think of myself as like, a drawing enjoyer, or an art enjoyer. or just someone who keeps an art diary. not exactly an artist. i think it might be because i think a lot about semantics (unfortunately), but it helps take the pressure off. my expectations for myself as an 'art enjoyer' are way gentler than my expectations for myself as an 'artist'. it's weird, but making that part of my identity less intense makes me create more!

on performance + privacy - i used to spend a lot of time trying to make stuff on instagram and for instagram. it was messing with my head because i was always making stuff with consumption in mind. not that it's bad to have an audience in mind, but i was unable to manage that relationship without constantly thinking, would this do well on the platform? is this shareable? am i coming across as shareable? just, stuff that was making it hard for me to just focus on me and drawing, or me and writing. not what i wanted at all! and once i stopped using instagram, and spent that free time reading more, i started realizing there was a lot of mystery and imagination that comes from having privacy that really helped me form a healthier relationship with making stuff. and also helped me get better because i had more bandwidth to practice! so... it's really up to you. it can be wonderful to engage in a community of artists + art enjoyers. but you don't have to do it 24/7, and current platforms make it difficult not to do that. so i decided to opt out indefinitely.

anyway.... that's all i got for now. i hope it helps. thank u for sending a message <3

[guigz1-coldwar]

"Redemption": The Epilogue for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out!

Chapter Summary: A week passed in Yirina's life as she reflects on her own life & events that happened in a few months, have a talk with a few of her friends before the talk with her love to decide on the future…

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words: +3200

Taglist: @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart, @chrystallenex

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A week later

9th September 1984

It's been a week now since the last main operation has been done and since that day, I could feel better even if a part of me know that the threat was not over but another part of me was sure that it will not come back until a long time and to be honest, I don't know what to feel about this...maybe that I shouldn't think too much about this and try to focus ahead of me for the moment...to say that I'm getting at the end of this book...

I wrote so much...draw so much since I got my hands by this doctor...Doctor Krimilov, I was sad to learn of his death and I feel bad about this...it's thanks to that man that I could write down every memory that my head managed to catch over the last few months...and this book is having them noted on each page with details, some sketches of the place I could remember and the faces I saw...so much in this book and it's only a part of my life I could get back...I'll need more time...and I look forward to it...

Right now, on the 9th of September 1984, the situation in Verdansk has greatly improved and if some of Perseus' fanatical soldiers were still around the city, the skirmishes were less present, and more missions of helping the civilians were made. Sadly, we had to part ways with Viktoria a day after our operation, considering that her mission in the region was done and she left to an unknown location and gave us thanks before leaving...and since that day, we were back at the CIA's HQ...wondering what's going to happen next...

Damn...I'm getting right to the end of the book, I didn't think at all that the memories I could gather until were going to take over a single diary...maybe the drawing didn't help but I couldn't help myself. However, I'm sure that once we got back to England and maybe shortly, I'll start another diary for my memories and this time, I think that it will be more clear...let's hope so...this is the end...time to close a chapter...

"Hey," One tap with the pen over the very last word of the diary from me before I could hear a voice in front of me as I'm laid against one of the nearest trees of the headquarter tent. "Hey, Yirina, head up," The voice adds, prompting me to do as it said and discover Sims, leaning towards me. "Were you sleepy while trying to write down?" He asks with his hands on his waist.

"If I slept during writing something, I'm not sure it will be good to look at," I scoff with a little laugh, checking that I didn't make a mistake before I close down the book. "I just finished that diary, no more space to write anything," I say, starting to get up before Sims moves his right hand at me, helping me to get up.

"Really? When did you start that by the way?" He demands once I was up on my feet.

"Back in March," I reply to him and his face shows signs of surprise before giving out a little laugh, the same one as me. 

"Damn, you got busy," He laughs before he gives me a head gesture away, starting to follow him to surely go inside the headquarters tent. "Do you think that one day, I would have a chance to read it?" 

"And see how I draw you?" I tell him, getting next to the entrance but he stops at my words, raising his right eyebrow to me.

"You draw me?" I nod. 

"I did...but I don't remember well," I respond with the truth, unable to remind myself when I did draw him...maybe it was in the US...impossible to put my finger on it. "You know what? I'll tell you when you'll be able to read it, okay?" I propose as a deal and hopefully, for me, he accepts that, giving me a nod but keeping a curious face about the fact I draw him. 

"Yeah, you better keep your promise," He warn me with a good tone in his voice before we finally enter the tent, nobody around except the two of us.

"And you? What about the flamethrower you promised me?" I remind him, of a thought that came back a day ago after passing next to the camp armory where an old flamethrower from the war was found and brought back here. 

"Once I got to see that face you made," He pointed his finger at me with a grin on his face while walking to the other side of the table before he stops in front of me, putting his hands on the table to look with me over the map. "Anyway, you told me earlier before you went writing to give you a little update for you & Park and...where is she by the way?" He asks me.

"She said she needed a moment alone so it's better to let her, I can tell everything," I reply, Park, telling me earlier that she wanted to get her head clear in a spot away from the camp that only me & her use to go. "So, what's the deal?" I gesture with my head to the map.

"Well, as you maybe heard from me today, Hudson took Mason, Woods & Adler to the city, you know, with those mysterious bunkers some of our teams found," Sims starts, moving his right index over a location in the downtown district of the city. "It said to be belonging to the Germans back from the war and the explosions kinda exposed some of them so, we're going to investigate them," 

"And the Russians?" I demand, not having heard anything from the KGB since yesterday.

"The KGB's pulling out, they've done here and thankfully, our mole inside will close the eyes of our presence here, we're free," Sims assumes, making a circle towards the old location where the KGB was located before, now empty. "I also heard that you, Park & your friends leave in 2 days right?" 

"We leave tomorrow in the evening, Park wanted us to be back to London and give a full report of the situation," I explain myself on that situation, remembering my relieved face when I learned of our departure to get back home in my head. "After that, I don't know what will happen but we either stay on duty and are given a new mission or have some vacations...I don't care as long as we're away from here," I add before raising my head at him. "You?" Sims looks a bit sad on his face to learn that we leave but he wasn't going to show it completely.

"I'm leaving once we got to know what those Germans bunkers are holding, I'm gonna let Hudson take the commands once he's back, I can't hold being the boss around," He says with a breath, passing his left hand on his face and then, removing his cap to let his hand pass through his hair. "Well, I think it's good now," He sighs. "I think you want to see your friend, Zasha at the infirmary, I don't want to hold you enough, you know what to do, right?"

"Yeap, I'm going with Park in the night to one of the bunkers in the city near the port, got it," I nod at him, knowing well of the order before I got ready to leave the tent to see Zasha but then, Sims moves his hand forwards, looking for a shake. 

"Thank you, Yirina," Sims mutters, a smile on his face and then, I got my right hand in front before shaking hands, also a smile on my face. 

"Thank you, Sims," I repeat on my side during our shake, me letting out a breath and giving a finger salute to him before we broke the shake and then, starting to turn around to leave the tent and move away.

The ambiance of the camp was seeming so different now from the first moment we got in days ago. The camp was no longer seeing agitated with lots of soldiers & vehicles moving around, seeming calmer than before because the numbers of soldiers here were reduced, either moving to outposts around the city or able to leave and get back to their homes, and so on...it was going to be me, Park, Zasha & Portnova's turn to pack our bags & return home...

I arrived at the infirmary after a few moments of walking, it wasn't too far from the other tent, close to the one we were using to sleep and it was looking empty with the only exception of Zasha who was one of the few still in it, laying down on a bed with their right arm covered in a bandage and a brand new black eyepatch over their right eye...

"Hey, Zed," I wave my left hand towards them to announce myself as I was arriving near them who were looking in the other way

"Yirina!" They exclaim with happiness in their voice, having let them with Portnova for the day until now. 

"Where's Portnova?" I ask, next to their bed as she's nowhere around them, an empty chair that is usually Portnova's spot when she's visiting Zasha.

"She left to get me a coffee,  she should be back in a minute," Zasha replied, giving a gesture towards the direction I just come from as I decides to sit down on the bed at their left, no one on it. 

"Didn't you suppose to not have coffee before going back to London?" I let out a joke off me.

"Yirina, I'm not sick, I'm just...I have a wounded arm and an eye behind an eyepatch," They gave out a funny sigh from their mouth, rolling their eyes around. "But I'm doing good, the arm's doing okay but the eye is surely gonna take time," They add, pointing towards their eyepatch with their free hand. "I can't wait to get back home and see my little Beans back," 

"Me too," I smiled, missing the strokes I was giving to Beans now that her name was back into my mind before the smile I got slowly disappeared at the names coming into my mind. "Shit..."

"What?" Zasha says.

"I...about Dedov..." I whisper, passing my hand through my face about this...I remember that it was hard for Zasha to accept this fact but...Dedov who wasn't here despite the promise I made...it's sad. "I'm sorry," I apologize for that, feeling that this promise was broken.

"It's okay...I tried my best but...Dedov told me..." Zasha starts to say, cutting themselves to take a deep breath. "He told me that even if he doesn't trust me...he will try to keep in contact with us...he said he will find a way..."

"Yes, I know," I murmured at this, a revelation that Zasha declared to us two days ago but still...it was hard to admit that Dedov wasn't going to get back to us easily...but there's hope. "At least, he can come back," I admit, giving myself some hope.

"Yes," Zasha nods at me, a grin on their face and looking curious. "And...your friend...Lazar?"

"They...Uhm..." I scratch my head. "Sims told me yesterday that the CIA has to make checks about him and find a way to remove the brainwashing...it's complicated but it says it will take a long time before he goes back to normal," I resume, a bit happy on the side that Lazar was found but still affected by the brainwashing, hope still in for him. "It will be good, I hope," 

"He will don't worry...I can't wait to meet him once he will be okay," They declare about Lazar with a little smile and enthusiasm, something that I could give back.

"He's a nice guy...you should watch however about his hugs, they're nice but don't get used to it," I advises them with a laugh before I could hear behind me from a few meters, some footsteps and I turn around to see Portnova coming with a cup of coffee between her hands. "Hey, Portnova," I say with the same smile.

"Hey, good to see you there," Portnova smiled back at me, arriving next to us and passing in front of me to give Zasha their coffee. "As you asked, Zeze," She whispers as the two looks each other in the eyes during the exchange.

"Thank you, Yiri," Zasha thanks her, taking the coffee in their hands before Portnova moves to sit on her usual chair.

"So, what were the two talking about?" She demands from us. 

"About the future," I speak up first, preferring to avoid the subject of Dedov with her. "We were talking about Beans," I claim at her, Zasha giving out a nod to approve of that.

"Oh nice," Portnova looked enthusiast at this, giving a glare between us. "You don't need to worry, it's a teacher friend of mine who's taking care of Beans so it will be okay, we'll have her back once we're back to London," She affirms, moving her hands on her lap as I & Zasha were looking at her. "Is the departure still for tomorrow?" She then drifts her eyes towards me.

"Yes," I nod, confirming this. "They'll give us a plane that will make a stop in Munich & then Brussels before arriving in London, the flight's tomorrow in the evening," I gave out in detail the plan of tomorrow, seeing on their face their relief of leaving that region for good...something that we all share now. "I need however to go on a small mission with Park tonight, an old bunker in the city, it should be fine," 

"Oh okay," Zasha says.

"Where is she? I didn't see her today," Portnova asks, turning her head around.

"Well...Uhm...she needs some time to think on her side...Uhm...I think that I should go and see, we didn't talk too much today," I expressed my concern while deciding to go up from the bed, looking to the tent entrance. "I'll leave you to talk...I need to check Park,"

"You'll come back later, Yirina?" Zasha demands in a worried voice.

"I will, Zasha, before we leave for the city," I respond, my eyes back on the two before giving out a small grin to them. "See you later...be positive," I advise with a small nod as I start to walk away from them out of the tent, seeing the two gettings closer while I was getting out before I was out of sight of them...leaving me to see Park.

I wasn't worried too much about Park as she was looking fine to me since our last operation but her moments of being alone were indeed getting more present over the past few days and she never told me why she was spending those moments alone in that spot I knew well along with her...I walked towards that spot by taking a small dirt path that was leading up to a cliffside overlooking the camp and walking through that path, at the beginning of the evening, a few hours before our mission was feeling a bit...weird for me in a good way.

Finally, after a short moment of thinking and walking on that path, I arrived at that spot and I found her...at the same spot she was always sitting on...sit on the ground, her back against a fallen tree, looking away at the horizon over the camp and the sea not far away from the site...she was looking to think in her head but something was telling me she was aware of my presence, soon confirmed by her left blue eye moving at me...a direct smile coming out as I was closing in towards her.

"You can sit down...I was waiting for you," She affirms, making a little tap at her left on the ground to make me sit.

"Thank you...love," I murmured, moving to the place she tapped to slowly sit, crossing my legs once I was on the ground and looking away at her same direction as her.... this view is indeed beautiful...a fresh air on my face skin... refreshing..."Refreshing, isn't it?"

"Yes, is it," Park says, soon feeling her arms wrapping themselves around myself my shoulders and then, her head on top of my right shoulder. "You know...I was thinking about us...how do you think we would have met if you...well...if no one of this happened?" She demands in a low & curious voice and this...I don't know what to answer here...

"I don't know...I don't see anything else..." I said, unable to give a proper response than that. "I don't even know if we would have met outside of anything that happened to me," I presume with a small shrug of my left shoulder while my right arm moved behind Park's back. "But I think that...we should focus on what the future will hold us now," 

"You sure?" Park whispers.

"Yes...why?" I ask.

"I...I still feel guilty about what happened, I know we...talked about this a lot but...I still have that pain," She declares with her voice that was still sounding guilty...and I needed to reassure her of one sure thing I knew.

"You don't deserve to be guilty...you were redeemed since the moment you forgive yourself...since we love each other," I admit again at her, proving my profound love of the woman whose arms are wrapped around me at the moment. "I believed in your redemption as the others did... the past is the past, things were done but it doesn't change the fact that I...love...you...you're the woman of my life and I need you," I breathed as I could see her right hand without her glove, one of its finger having the very ring of my mother around it..."You're a strong woman and I know that,"

"You too," She chuckled, feeling her hands in a better way around me as if she didn't want to lose me, something I could understand. "And...I believed in your redemption too...everything that happened from the moment you came back until now showed me that you're the person I needed the most," She tell me, and...honestly, to think about it...I think that she was truly right...for once, I could feel redeemed for good...the guilty of my past as a Perseus agent was removed..."I just need you to be there for me and...I need to be there for you," 

"I need you too," I says, moving my arms around her to affirm my words, closing my eyes for a few seconds before getting them back open, fully moved as we were both looking at the horizon. "I love you, Park,"

"I love you, Yiri," She affirms in her low voice before we look at each other, both eyes moved, and then, I softly pull her for a little kiss on the lips...feeling for the first time, real freedom...finally...a redemption...a kiss than soon ended by both us going back to look at the horizon...both of us thinking about the future, our friends, our opportunities and our redemptions we finally got...we finally got...

The Redemption of our spirits.

-------------------------------------------

Well…after more than 181 chapters…the story of Yirina Grigoriev…is done…

I can't really believe that I did so much for Yirina…and I can't really believe too that the story came to an end after so long…more than a year after this story was launched as a reboot of an old CW story I did…a year…more than 620000 words…181 chapters. Honestly, I didn't think at all that I was going to make a story this long and that's what I did…

It's getting me very emotional that the story of my OC Bell is arriving at its end. A page of my writing story is closing down and a new one is opening…I learned so much from writing this story, meeting a lot & lot of new friends coming from the community…this story is & will always stay inside of my heart as the longest but as the one I put all of my heart into it…

I did this story to give to you all, Yirina Grigoriev and her love story with Helen Park who was for me, the second main character of this fic and the most important one alongside Yirina. Park is the COD character I appreciate the most in the franchise now and it was obliged from me to make Yirina go with her…their story is maybe done for the moment but maybe for the next Black Ops, their story will continue…but the future will tell us what's happening…

So…I already said this but it's sad & emotional for me to arrive at the end of this fic…not believing again that I finished after a year of work…a year and a lot of chapters…I wasn't believing it when I arrived at the 100th chapter and now…it just made me all happy and sad to get this story concluded after 181 chapters…

Now, it's time for me to….shit…to close this long story once & for all and move on to write new fan fictions in the future…Yirina Grigoriev's story came to an end but she will surely come back in the future too. For the moment, I wish you all a big, big thank you for having follow her story from the cliff of Solovetsky until that moment with Park in Verdansk…you're all amazing and your support means a lot for me…you're all the best people I met in years and I hope that our story will continue for a long time…

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Cordially

GuiGZ1

[nyx-aira]

Destiny Awaits

Chapter 7: Hollow Heart

Summary: After decades of her vengeful rampage Agatha realises that there's nothing to live for anymore.

A/N: This whole fic got darker than intended but it's still the work I'm most proud of.

TW: mention of suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts

PSA: Do NOT copy, steal, translate, plagiarize, republish, etc any of my works on Tumblr or any other platform. Also, do NOT claim any of my works as your own. All of these works are either requests I’ve gotten that people have wanted me to write or original ideas I’ve had for works. If you happen to take inspiration from anything I’ve written and want to write something inspired by that, please a) ask me first and b) IF I say yes, credit me as inspo in your post by tagging me and link whatever work of mine that inspired you. Thanks.

PSA c/@ynscrazylife

March 23rd, 1862

It's been three days.

Three days since she had won.

Three days since she had defeated her enemies.

Three days since she avenged your death, fully.

She should feel happy, should feel good that there was no one alive anymore who had tried to harm you once in their life.

Instead she felt hollow.

Her rage and desire to avenge you had kept her going through the years, kept her from completely breaking apart but now? Now she had severed the last connection the world had to you, the last person who had ever know you.

Now Agatha was the only one who remember you, the only one who knew you ever existed, your grave protected by more spells than she could count, hidden from the world.

61 537 days or 168 years, six months and six days since she had last seen you, last held you and last kissed you.

58 974 days or 161 years, five months and nineteen days since she had found your body.

It had been so long.

Some days Agatha had troubles remember your face or your voice. Those days she spent crying and screaming, cursing the universe and herself for not looking after you.

Those days she had stared at her kitchen knife longer than she should have, longing to be with you again.

Those days the only thing stopping her was her promise to avenge you and find everyone that had ever hurt you.

Now?

Now there wasn't anything stopping her, now there wasn't anything keeping her here.

But for some reason she couldn't, for some reason she felt like she wasn't allowed to have this mercy.

Ever since she came into your life she had brought you nothing but pain and suffering. She had robbed you of a peaceful lifetime and instead made you wait seven years. Seven years where Agatha could have visited, could have sent a letter.

But she didn't.

Her cowardice didn't let her, too afraid she would harm you like that but she had harmed you anyways, abandoning you when you needed her most.

She wasn't even sure if you had still loved her, even though your diary said otherwise. The little brown book with beautiful flowers carved into the letter the only thing she kept on her person all the time.

Agatha had cast more spells on that book than any of her spellbooks, making sure it wouldn't get destroyed over the centuries.

Every time when life got too much she read it again. Read about your days in the cabin, the poems you wrote and the drawings you drew.

Almost every page was filled with small doodles or beautiful flowers, drawings of animals and the occasional drawing of the sunset.

The one Agatha loved the most was the one on the last page of the simple book.

She remember that day clearly. It had been a hot summer day and they had gone to the lake, playing in the water and studying the herbs and flowers.

The drawing showed Agatha standing in the water, laughing as a butterfly had settled on her nose.

You had captured the moment beautifully and on the bottom left corner of the page two words were written.

My love.

Even now, after more than one century Agatha still cried when she read the those two words.

It wasn't fair, it should have been her but you got in the way.

You, sweet you, with the beautiful smile and bright mind. You who would drag her outside in the middle of the night to watch the stars together. You would would listen to her stories like they were the most magnificent thing there was.

You.

The love of her life.

She had made her lifes purpose to avenge you, to correct the wrongs that had been done to you but now she realised something.

There wasn't anything to correct, there wasn't anything to avenge.

Her actions had brought nothing but pain and destruction to those around her, turning her into the monster her mother had always said she was.

She had lost her heart and broken her promise.

She had broken her promise.

She had broken her promise.

She had broken her promise.

Broken.

That's what she was, a broken woman with nothing left to lose.

If life was this cruel, was it even worth living?

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