#i'm just stressed out right now

[internerdionality]

Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is WILD, y'all. Seriously, I hate my neurology sometimes.

You see, my brain is absolutely convinced that no one could possibly love me. Any evidence to the contrary is accepted for—if I'm lucky—about fifteen minutes before I immediately start doubting it and searching for more. The slightest ambivalence on the part of any person I care about can and will reduce me to a quivering bundle of anxiety and distress.

And like, here's the thing, maybe this made more sense twenty years ago but the idea that I am unloved is completely and utterly absurd on the face of it. I have a wife and two other nesting partners who have chosen to take my last name as a symbol of our chosen familial relationship, all of who tell me they love me on a daily basis.

I have several, like a dozen, very close friends who consider themselves (and whom I consider to be, but obviously the first part is more important here) my chosen family. People who come over to my house (if they live nearly) and hug me and tell me that they love me frequently.

Two days ago I had a serious, in-depth conversation with one of them just about how much we love each other and want to be part of each other's lives long term.

I am flying tomorrow to be the mistress of honor in another one of those friends' weddings, someone who tells me how happy she is to have me as her "person" as a regular basis.

Oh and like, my actual blood family is also... pretty emotionally healthy? Like there's the inevitable inherited trauma and shit but I see my siblings and parents on a daily and weekly basis and I know they're always going to be there for me when I need them. My dad is coming over in an hour to take me out to lunch just because I had to cancel on a concert last week and he wants to spend some one-on-one time with me.

I have SUBSTANTIAL proof that I am, in fact, a very lovable person.

And yet, because a friend (a good friend, one I've had for almost ten years, someone who has gotten on a plane specifically to see me on multiple occasions) took the weekend before confirming a lunch date for next week (and she did confirm, this isn't even a rejection) I'm reduced to sobbing anxiously on the couch, convinced that she doesn't really want to see me.

WHY?!?! WHY IS MY FUCKING BRAIN LIKE THIS?

[frobby]

I think one of the funniest framings of the first ep of blue exorcist is hypothetically Yukio and bon met cuz they originally shared a dorm only for Yukio to immediately leave and not return until a week later and now he's his teacher

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

[cerise-on-top]

Nikolai with a s/o who always has a hand on his chest? With consent ofc, and it’s always to feel his heartbeat. I think of this all the time and it’s always super cute in my head.

Hello! That is pretty cute!

Nikolai Always with Reader’s Hand on His Chest

Nikolai is a pretty laid back and chill sort of man, so he usually doesn’t mind you putting your hand over his heart. Maybe not while you’re walking, though, he doesn’t want you to trip. It’s very sweet to him: You wanna make sure that he’s alive? That he’s still with you? That his heart is still beating? Trust me, not even death could take him away from you. He’d dig his way out of his grave after killing the reaper with his bare hands himself. You can always put your hand over his chest while you’re at home together, though. It’s nice to feel you. After a while it would be reassuring to him as well, feeling that you’re there, that you’re with him. He thinks it’s sweet that you always want to be touching him, because if it was up to you he’d do the same thing with you. After some time, once he’s realized that you’re always touching him whenever you can, he tries to get into positions that facilitate you touching him a bit. Usually lies on his back when you’re cuddling so you have full access to him. Can and will fall asleep like that, but will also want to hold you back. Will also put his hand over your heart as well so he can “get back at you”. In reality, feeling your heartbeat is also just nice and reassuring to him. However, he sometimes might lie on your chest in order to hear it as well, something like it lulls him to sleep, after all. You can put your hand over his chest in public as well, though, he doesn’t particularly mind cuddling in public either. There’s a good chance you’ll be nicely clothed, though, so you won’t feel his heartbeat unless you slip your hand under his clothes. You can do that, he doesn’t care about strangers staring in public. However, once it’s time to continue walking around, release him. You can continue your antics once you’ve found another nice bench to sit on.

[triaelf9]

*sighs for a million years*

Ladies' kimono don't cross the opposite way. Ladies' kimono don't cross the opposite way. Ladies' kimono don't cross the opposite way, this is not western clothing where the buttons change depend on the "gender" of the shirt

In Japan, it is ALL left over right side. If you're looking at it, it should look like a lowercase "y" like the other two men's ones in the pictures. Right over left is how it's crossed for a funeral. And is a cultural faux pas (if not bad luck, given how many cultural no-nos are tied to the funerary process)

[sparxyv]

tag nine people you want to get to know better!

TEHEHE thank you @choccy-milky and @holdmymallowsweet for the tag!!! 💜🫶

LAST SONG? - no idea.. i listen to so much music it all blends together 😪 i THINK it was 'The Pantaloon' by Twenty One Pilots.. my fav song by my fav band 😏

FAVORITE COLOR? - purple!!! 💜🎆

CURRENTLY WATCHING? - my fav show EVER, How I Met Your Mother 😩 i literally always have it in the background and i really don't watch much else..

LAST MOVIE? - I HAVE NO IDEA 😭😭 i think it was probably Zombieland (2009)?? i honestly haven't watched a movie in a while 😔 i did watch Zombieland a week or so ago, it's one of my fav movies because i'm SUCH a sucker for found family trope. (if i wrote a fic for milena this would 100% show)

SWEET/SPICY/SAVORY? - SPICY. I LOVE SPICY FOODS 🙏 although, i did eat buldak ramen a couple days ago and it was so spicy i started crying 🥲

RELATIONSHIP STATUS? - wouldn't you like to know 🙄🙄 (single)

CURRENT OBSESSIONS? - this is obvious

LAST THING YOU GOOGLED? - "twenty one pilots clancy tour outfits" - i have a tøp concert in 8 days (SO FKN EXCITED) and no outfit.. was looking for inspiration since i'm going shopping today 😩

no pressure tags! (pls i'm so sorry idk who has done this and who hasn't i don't wanna bother y'all 😔) - @siboom777 @syaolaurant @ccelicaa @lamieboo @keri-mcberry

[b4kuch1n]

IT ARRIVED IT ARRIVED IT ARRIVED

DESPITE EVERYTHING DESPITE MY CHRONICALLY CURSED INTERNATIONAL MAIL PROBLEM I AM STILL THE ZONE RPG

[0509-brainrot]

shake up that brain

[rapidhighway]

stressed

I have to fight family again

[raiseyourbarkid]

when i first started watching 9-1-1, i was so excited to join the fandom.

s3 had just finished airing, so there was already plenty of fan content available, and i hurried over to ao3 and started reading the fics with the most kudos.

one of the very first ones i read involved Hen reaming Buck out for rescuing someone who didn't have a chance of surviving afterward. it felt oddly familiar, and then i realized—they basically copied the speech Gerrard gave in Hen Begins when she saved that woman in a landslide. they took the abuse that Hen endured because she was black woman, and gave it to Buck. took the words out of a racist misogynist's mouth and put them in Hen's, made her the abuser, just so Buck could be the victim.

that was one of the most popular fics at the time. that was my introduction to the 9-1-1 fandom. and unfortunately, it set a precedent for what to expect from it.

one of the next fics i read involved Buck's relationship with his father. this was before Buck Begins aired and we learned what his actual backstory was, so people liked to invent tragic backstories for him. nothing wrong with that in itself. except as i read this fic (another of the most-kudos'd at the time), i started to realize—they hadn't invented a backstory for Buck. they'd just stolen Chimney's and given it to him. because apparently the story was more tragic or meaningful if it happened to Buck instead of the asian man. (and as i recall, Chimney was made out to be a real jerk in that fic, too.)

and so it continued.

after that introduction, i always stayed on the fringes of the fandom. i still read some fic—obviously, not everyone was like that, and there were a lot of really good fanworks! but i didn't really engage beyond that. as i read more fic, another pattern was emerging: the fandom's treatment of women.

9-1-1 is far from the only fandom to have this problem. in several fandoms with popular mlm pairings, there is a lot of mistreatment of female characters, especially ones who are viewed as a "threat" to the pairing. but the way people reacted to these characters—namely, Abby, Taylor, and Ana—was somehow astounding to me. obviously none of them were perfect people—what character is?—but i couldn't imagine anything they'd done warranting the reaction i saw from fans. i had liked them as characters for the most part! i didn't see those romantic relationships working out in the long term, but i didn't see that as a reason to hate them, much less reach the levels of loathing the fandom seemed to. you'd think these women were cartoon villains, the way fandom portrayed them.

honestly, it had been YEARS since i'd seen a fandom with such bad misogyny, if ever. and somehow, i was surprised again. i'd foolishly believed that fans had been getting better about that kind of thing, about hating women over a ship. so many other fandoms managed to be kind to the women involved with the men they shipped, why was it so hard for this particular fandom?

and now all this.

Buck's finally in a queer relationship, but it's not the one people wanted, so the response is to be hateful and homophobic towards the other character involved? in what world does that make sense? how do people rationalize that to themselves?

i'm just exhausted. i'm realizing now that this fandom has never felt like a safe space and maybe never will.

in over 20 years of being in fandoms, i have NEVER been in one that was so determined to be hateful. and over a show that's predominantly about love and the power of human connections? it's downright baffling.

[disposal-blueeee]

halloween thing i drew for an art trade with @cherry-207 ! she asked for edgar and scri dressed as angel and devil . you can see her part here !

edgar vargas belongs to jhonen vasquez

scriabin belongs to @zarla-s

[brown-little-robin]

I need to sleep for 70 hours and then maybe I'll feel not evil again

[ef-1]

girlhood

[cerise-on-top]

Hello! And could you do Kate laswell with a S/O who used to be an assassin/or just worked for makarov? It’s completely okay if not ofc :3

Hey! I try to not really have anything Makarov related on this blog, so I wrote about reader being a former assassin!

Laswell with a Former Assassin

She’d have a massive amount of respect for you. Sure, killing people is part of her job too, but it’s not very often she goes after the higher political figures herself, she has other people do that job for her. Although she won’t push for answers if you’re uncomfortable talking about it, she will ask you about your time as an assassin every once in a while. It’s just fascinating to her. There certainly are quite a few similarities between her job and your old one, even if you tried to steer clear of the spotlight even more than she does. Though, she might make use of your capabilities every once in a while, if you’re okay with it. While she may not ask you to kill again, she will ask you to gather intel for her. Since you were an assassin you must have been pretty good at that. Laswell does lots of shady business anyway, so she might as well ask you for some people from your network when she needs a job done or some intel. You probably know just as many people as she does, which she could certainly benefit from. If you’re ever up for some more work, if you ever feel like going back to your old job, then she might be a bit hesitant to let you at first. It’s not that she doesn’t trust your capabilities, but it’s a very dangerous job and she doesn’t want to lose you. However, she won’t stop you if you really insist. Since she knows you do your job well she might hire you too. Overall it can be said that pretty much no one will ever find out anything about either of you unless you want them to, going as far as even keeping your relationship a secret. Laswell wants to keep you safe.

[a-crystalclearsquid]

Always an angel, never a god.

Jon, on his brightest, could make Damian feel anything and everything like no other. He would simply smile and Damian would breathe easier. Jon could simply express his kindness as he always does and the latter would fall a little more in love. It would be that Jon would immediately stop whatever it was that he was doing in favor of comforting a homeless guy in the street. Jon, who would be patient with a child who refuses to listen to the mother out in public.

It was always the little things- the smallest gestures that caught Damian off guard on how easy it was to fall in love again when he thought that he was completely taken over.

But even on Jon’s darkest days, it would not deter Damian.

It would be that a bully would wear out Jon’s patience and throw the first hit or even when he would completely avoid talking or making contact with anyone else just because the day is not going his way. Or even being irritated at his friends’ tiniest movements because he has an assignment due and he could not concentrate.

All those things simply meant that Jon was also human (as he was) and had his flaws. It made Damian appreciate his partner more.

The fact that Jon has his own human struggles as the rest of them had Damian be comforted but also annoyed as he could not ease it away.

So what he does is to be a better partner more in the battlefield. That way, he knows he could prevent Jon from experiencing the harsher wounds.

It comes in many forms as it is displayed through thousands, millions even, ways: Love.

It’s so hard to put it into words.

Especially for Damian, who was taught that actions proved better evidence to one’s thoughts and feelings. While he simple does not disagree, there are times when one has to use words where one’s actions are not sufficient or is the most appropriate way to let somebody know just how much you care about them.

An example would be right now, where Damian is helpless besides Jon, who is recovering inside a kryptonian pod in the Fortress of Solitude.

Where, even to the best of Damian’s medicine and surgical knowledge, is unable to assist in any way to the recovery of a comatosed Jon Kent.

All that knowledge and practice and for what? To be told that the best he could do as of now is to converse one-sidedly to Jon in hopes they would get a reaction out of him.

So here he is, the grandson of the Demon, proclaimed assassin by the age of 8, Robin to two Batman by the age of 10, has died at least three times by the age of 14, and completely helpless to by the bedside of the love of his life at 21, struggling to form words to bring back his lover from the depths of his own subconscious.

“Jonathan,“ he says his name as how one might start a prayer. “Habibi,“

my love, my life,

He grips the wrist of Jon, to feel the faint pulse, assuring himself that Jon is still here.

“I miss your warmth,

and I miss your presence.

I miss you in every waking hour, knowing you’re barely within my reach.

And I’m tempted,

oh, so tempted to bring you to the waters where I was born.

Yet, I am not so desperate as to turn my back on everything that I have fought for -that we have fought for- just for you to be disappointed in me when you return.

I have yet to lose faith that you’d never wake.

And it was because you have made me promise to by your side and never lose hope.

So here I am,

Barely holding on to hope,

Always on the edge on doing the drastic measures.

The only thing stopping me?

That would be you,

My most and dearest beloved.

All these years, and all the doubts everyone in my life has given me, save for you.

You had never given up on me, you’ve always been by my side, and you’ve always rooted for me even in times I don’t deserve,

You have made me felt no safer than in your arms.

So please,”

Damian begged,

“Return to me and make me feel safe within your comfort again.

As you have been by my side, I am also here, Jonathan.

Return to me and I will show you my devotion.

My faith wavers not as I wait for you, no matter how impatient I might seem.

Please come back to me,“

With nothing to do but sit and wait by Jon’s bedside, barely sleeping in case of missing something, his brothers bring him his books and his sketchpad.

They also bring him Alfred the cat for company, who was now sleeping by Jon.

He appreciates the little distractions, though it does no good as he keeps on looking over Jon every few minutes.

So he inclines to bring out his sketchpad and starts imitating the sleeping form of his little feline friend, and when he’s done with that, he sketches everything else he could see within his sights.

And when he also exhausts those within his peripheral vision, his hand finally gets the courage to draw Jon.

It wasn’t like the other portraits of Jon sleeping he has done so far.

It’s different, but also the same.

The way that it’s so peaceful gives out a nice scene. The way that Jon’s bruises and cuts are now mostly gone relieves Damian. The way Alfred the cat is calmly rested on top of Jon’s chest, comforting both pet and owner of the repeated rise and fall movement.

He finishes the sketch and Damian wishes he had paint with him, so that he may properly bring the art to life.

He was tired now.

Though trained by the best to function for weeks with limited to no amount of sleep, Damian couldn’t help his tired eyes and his tired mind, grudingly succumbing to slumber, but not before taking in Jon’s hand in his.

He yearns for the hour Jonathan wakes again.

To be able to recieve and exchange smiles with his beloved again.

Damian rests his eyes, knowing he will easily wake at the slightest movement of his beloved.

Even for just a simple twitch of the finger, or on the skipped heartbeat of the monitor, Damian is most confident he will be able to detect it.

For now, he simply escapes to the plains of his dreams, hoping his subconscious grants his wish. Even though knowing that it would not be real, he would at least get to spend a second reliving on a far-away memory or to experience a new one.

For whatever can emphasize his hopes and faiths, Damian will always be waiting in the land amongst mortals.

[magnapanther]

FINISHED WORK?? on MY page??? it's far less likely than you'd think. and yet, somehow, here we are. :D

(well, finished enough to post and call "done", i should say. i may yet meddle with some details when i inevitably notice ten more flaws immediately after posting :D)

good old moss knight, such a devout follower of big slug. surely no wandering knight would ever end such a noble creature's life before he had the chance to speak with a certain fellow at a nearby bench! :D

this was essentially just me testing the waters with digital after some time avoiding it, and especially colours/lighting. it's been a while since i actually tried to make something fully fleshed out like this. i don't know, i feel like it could have come out worse :)