#i'm just stressed out right now

[internerdionality]

Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is WILD, y'all. Seriously, I hate my neurology sometimes.

You see, my brain is absolutely convinced that no one could possibly love me. Any evidence to the contrary is accepted for—if I'm lucky—about fifteen minutes before I immediately start doubting it and searching for more. The slightest ambivalence on the part of any person I care about can and will reduce me to a quivering bundle of anxiety and distress.

And like, here's the thing, maybe this made more sense twenty years ago but the idea that I am unloved is completely and utterly absurd on the face of it. I have a wife and two other nesting partners who have chosen to take my last name as a symbol of our chosen familial relationship, all of who tell me they love me on a daily basis.

I have several, like a dozen, very close friends who consider themselves (and whom I consider to be, but obviously the first part is more important here) my chosen family. People who come over to my house (if they live nearly) and hug me and tell me that they love me frequently.

Two days ago I had a serious, in-depth conversation with one of them just about how much we love each other and want to be part of each other's lives long term.

I am flying tomorrow to be the mistress of honor in another one of those friends' weddings, someone who tells me how happy she is to have me as her "person" as a regular basis.

Oh and like, my actual blood family is also... pretty emotionally healthy? Like there's the inevitable inherited trauma and shit but I see my siblings and parents on a daily and weekly basis and I know they're always going to be there for me when I need them. My dad is coming over in an hour to take me out to lunch just because I had to cancel on a concert last week and he wants to spend some one-on-one time with me.

I have SUBSTANTIAL proof that I am, in fact, a very lovable person.

And yet, because a friend (a good friend, one I've had for almost ten years, someone who has gotten on a plane specifically to see me on multiple occasions) took the weekend before confirming a lunch date for next week (and she did confirm, this isn't even a rejection) I'm reduced to sobbing anxiously on the couch, convinced that she doesn't really want to see me.

WHY?!?! WHY IS MY FUCKING BRAIN LIKE THIS?

[buttercupshands]

I started drawing this next day after I finished Act 6

13 or so days and it's finished!

Main things are traditional and Loop's body was edited digitally after

Unedited it looks like this

I've been torn on how to do Loop's body for the entirety of lining, also

A bit sad the main lines are visible only as a wip, most of this thing is literally just a ton of sharp lines

I think it's also my first day of drawing, Loop is just a sketch here (feat. my leg)

I even finished the beans before it so they were a moral support, because if you let me things like this take a year

[edorazzi]

It's Tintin Day again!!! 💖

It's also spooky month so time for some costumes - Sherlock Holmes and a very cute Hound of the Baskervilles! 🔎👻

[frobby]

I think one of the funniest framings of the first ep of blue exorcist is hypothetically Yukio and bon met cuz they originally shared a dorm only for Yukio to immediately leave and not return until a week later and now he's his teacher

[incomingalbatross]

hlrngh

[raiseyourbarkid]

when i first started watching 9-1-1, i was so excited to join the fandom.

s3 had just finished airing, so there was already plenty of fan content available, and i hurried over to ao3 and started reading the fics with the most kudos.

one of the very first ones i read involved Hen reaming Buck out for rescuing someone who didn't have a chance of surviving afterward. it felt oddly familiar, and then i realized—they basically copied the speech Gerrard gave in Hen Begins when she saved that woman in a landslide. they took the abuse that Hen endured because she was black woman, and gave it to Buck. took the words out of a racist misogynist's mouth and put them in Hen's, made her the abuser, just so Buck could be the victim.

that was one of the most popular fics at the time. that was my introduction to the 9-1-1 fandom. and unfortunately, it set a precedent for what to expect from it.

one of the next fics i read involved Buck's relationship with his father. this was before Buck Begins aired and we learned what his actual backstory was, so people liked to invent tragic backstories for him. nothing wrong with that in itself. except as i read this fic (another of the most-kudos'd at the time), i started to realize—they hadn't invented a backstory for Buck. they'd just stolen Chimney's and given it to him. because apparently the story was more tragic or meaningful if it happened to Buck instead of the asian man. (and as i recall, Chimney was made out to be a real jerk in that fic, too.)

and so it continued.

after that introduction, i always stayed on the fringes of the fandom. i still read some fic—obviously, not everyone was like that, and there were a lot of really good fanworks! but i didn't really engage beyond that. as i read more fic, another pattern was emerging: the fandom's treatment of women.

9-1-1 is far from the only fandom to have this problem. in several fandoms with popular mlm pairings, there is a lot of mistreatment of female characters, especially ones who are viewed as a "threat" to the pairing. but the way people reacted to these characters—namely, Abby, Taylor, and Ana—was somehow astounding to me. obviously none of them were perfect people—what character is?—but i couldn't imagine anything they'd done warranting the reaction i saw from fans. i had liked them as characters for the most part! i didn't see those romantic relationships working out in the long term, but i didn't see that as a reason to hate them, much less reach the levels of loathing the fandom seemed to. you'd think these women were cartoon villains, the way fandom portrayed them.

honestly, it had been YEARS since i'd seen a fandom with such bad misogyny, if ever. and somehow, i was surprised again. i'd foolishly believed that fans had been getting better about that kind of thing, about hating women over a ship. so many other fandoms managed to be kind to the women involved with the men they shipped, why was it so hard for this particular fandom?

and now all this.

Buck's finally in a queer relationship, but it's not the one people wanted, so the response is to be hateful and homophobic towards the other character involved? in what world does that make sense? how do people rationalize that to themselves?

i'm just exhausted. i'm realizing now that this fandom has never felt like a safe space and maybe never will.

in over 20 years of being in fandoms, i have NEVER been in one that was so determined to be hateful. and over a show that's predominantly about love and the power of human connections? it's downright baffling.

[sciderman]

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

[skibasyndrome]

.

[ilovedthestars]

i have. too many things to do.

[triaelf9]

*sighs for a million years*

Ladies' kimono don't cross the opposite way. Ladies' kimono don't cross the opposite way. Ladies' kimono don't cross the opposite way, this is not western clothing where the buttons change depend on the "gender" of the shirt

In Japan, it is ALL left over right side. If you're looking at it, it should look like a lowercase "y" like the other two men's ones in the pictures. Right over left is how it's crossed for a funeral. And is a cultural faux pas (if not bad luck, given how many cultural no-nos are tied to the funerary process)

[sparxyv]

tag nine people you want to get to know better!

TEHEHE thank you @choccy-milky and @holdmymallowsweet for the tag!!! 💜🫶

LAST SONG? - no idea.. i listen to so much music it all blends together 😪 i THINK it was 'The Pantaloon' by Twenty One Pilots.. my fav song by my fav band 😏

FAVORITE COLOR? - purple!!! 💜🎆

CURRENTLY WATCHING? - my fav show EVER, How I Met Your Mother 😩 i literally always have it in the background and i really don't watch much else..

LAST MOVIE? - I HAVE NO IDEA 😭😭 i think it was probably Zombieland (2009)?? i honestly haven't watched a movie in a while 😔 i did watch Zombieland a week or so ago, it's one of my fav movies because i'm SUCH a sucker for found family trope. (if i wrote a fic for milena this would 100% show)

SWEET/SPICY/SAVORY? - SPICY. I LOVE SPICY FOODS 🙏 although, i did eat buldak ramen a couple days ago and it was so spicy i started crying 🥲

RELATIONSHIP STATUS? - wouldn't you like to know 🙄🙄 (single)

CURRENT OBSESSIONS? - this is obvious

LAST THING YOU GOOGLED? - "twenty one pilots clancy tour outfits" - i have a tøp concert in 8 days (SO FKN EXCITED) and no outfit.. was looking for inspiration since i'm going shopping today 😩

no pressure tags! (pls i'm so sorry idk who has done this and who hasn't i don't wanna bother y'all 😔) - @siboom777 @syaolaurant @ccelicaa @lamieboo @keri-mcberry

[b4kuch1n]

IT ARRIVED IT ARRIVED IT ARRIVED

DESPITE EVERYTHING DESPITE MY CHRONICALLY CURSED INTERNATIONAL MAIL PROBLEM I AM STILL THE ZONE RPG

[royalarchivist]

Jaiden: It's hard work being a... little bastard. [Laughs]

[0509-brainrot]

shake up that brain

[rapidhighway]

stressed

I have to fight family again

[brionysea]

getting a new obsession with a piece of media is the best because suddenly every song in the world is about some beautiful deranged fictional woman who has consumed you mind and soul