#i'm just gonna cry myself to sleep now
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thedyingwriter · 2 months ago
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I need chris to have a Rory Gilmore arc. What I mean by that is, I want him to realise that his grandparents are totally using his fued with his father to have a 'redo' of raising a son, the way they couldn't have with Eddie. I need him to get super frustrated and call Eddie or even Buck to come rescue him.
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shaottzang · 19 days ago
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why I feel like I shouldn't be seeing this..
photos taken from x.com
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vcrnons · 1 year ago
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i'm completely normal about him.
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lost-in-fandoms · 4 months ago
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Angry kitten knight Max. Not as much kitten time as I would have wanted. Part 1 here.
Daniel is sparring with Alex when Max comes to get him.
Daniel sees him cutting through the courtyard, people jumping out of his way after one look at his stormy expression, and barely manages to avoid Alex's next hit, attention already fully on their Captain.
When he comes closer, Daniel can see his clenched hands, cheeks splotchy with angry red, eyes steely. It's not a rare occurrence for Max to get snappy and angry, but it's been a very long time since Daniel has seen him so genuinely upset.
"What happened, Captain?" he asks, handing Alex his practice sword without looking, other hand already raising towards Max's shoulder.
"Come with me," is all Max says, voice icy, dodging his touch.
Daniel wouldn't even think about refusing, but Max doesn't give him a chance to anyway, immediately turning around and marching towards the barracks, exuding so much fury it almost feels like the day is a little darker.
Daniel is pretty sure he's done nothing wrong. He's had his shift on the walls earlier in the morning, to which he wasn't even late, had some lunch and then went to the courtyard. He's also pretty sure, despite Max's behavior, that this doesn't actually have something to do with him. Max had been stuck in yet another council with the King for the best part of the day, which never puts him in a good mood.
When they reach his room, Max pushes the door open so violently it bounces off the wall with a bang, taking two final steps inside and then.
Stopping.
Daniel gently closes the door.
He can see the tension in the way Max is holding himself, ready to snap like a bow cocked for too long, breathing heavily as if he had run the whole way around the castle, and not just walked up two flights of stairs.
"Max," Daniel starts, immediately discarding titles as they always do when they're alone, but then he doesn't know how to continue. He doesn't know what Max is upset about, what he needs. Doesn't know if he'll explode if Daniel prods, or if he'll break.
Max turns around to face him. His jaw is still clenched, frustration etched into every single one of his features, but it looks like he's making an active effort to breathe through it. Daniel isn't sure that will work.
He readies himself to speak up again, but Max interrupts him, words spilling out between gritted teeth.
"He is so, he does not listen! I have said that we cannot, of course, keep holding onto the western border if he keeps insisting on pushing the eastern one, but he says..." his hand slashes through the hair as he exhales heavily through his nose, anger choking him.
"We will just lose men and land if he goes through with this plan!" he snarls. Daniel can see him starting to work himself up even more, and he takes a step forward. He understands where Max is coming from, he really does. It's his men, their friends, who will be sent to a useless and avoidable death if the King decides to go through with this. It might be him. It might be Daniel.
So yes, he understands Max's anger and frustration. But right now his priority is another one, and that's making sure Max doesn't breaks his teeth by grinding them too hard.
"I have shown him, over and over, but he is so..."
Max is still ranting, but Daniel just places both hands on his shoulders and pulls him in a hug, holding him still even as he squirms, with a sound that's almost a growl.
"Max," Daniel says again, squeezing him tighter. Max stops moving.
"Tell me what you need."
For a second, he's sure he miscalculated and Max is actually going to pull back and go back to his rant, or maybe punch him, but then Max slumps against him, forehead landing heavily on his shoulder.
"I left the council before being dismissed, or I was going to get beheaded for regicide."
Daniel can't help himself, lets out a huff of laughter, feeling the way Max giggles a little too. It's not that funny, Max is going to get in trouble for it, but it is a little funny, the idea of the Captain storming out of the meeting room to avoid snapping the King's neck.
"I'm proud of you, I kinda like your head where it is," he says, half joking and half fond, pressing a kiss into Max's hair. "Now, will you tell me what I can do for you?"
He knows that the reason Max came all the way to the courtyard couldn't have been just to rant at him, but he can't quite figure out if Max wants to have sex or to just be held like this.
Turns out, it's neither of the things.
"I need..." Max hesitates, carefully extracting himself from Daniel's hug and looking at him with unusual shyness. He doesn't finish his sentence. One second Daniel is patiently waiting for his boyfriend to let him know how to help, and the next he's looking down at a kitten, sitting between his feet.
He smiles, crouching down and offering him a finger to sniff. He understands now. Feelings are easier when Max is shifted, his brain quieter, all complicated thoughts less important. He's still fully Max, fully present, but it's easier for him to sort through the bullshit, to let his senses take over a little.
"Hi, baby," Daniel whispers, running his fingertip over Max's soft little head, lightly scratching behind his jaw. Max blinks up at him for a second, before turning around and jumping onto the bed, curling in a tiny little ball on top of the pillow.
"You want to take a nap?"
It's not a smart idea, Max will for sure have people looking for him, and Daniel has things to do, but Max blinks at him, somehow managing to pout even in kitten form, and Daniel is on the bed before he can even think twice about it.
Max impatiently waits for him to settle, meowing with his little kitten voice and hitting him with his little kitten paws, climbing on top of him as soon as Daniel stops moving. He curls up on his favorite spot, right on top of his collarbone, wet nose pressed against Daniel's neck, and Daniel can almost feel the moment he lets go, fully relaxing on top of him.
He can for sure feel it when he starts purring, more loudly than one would assume for such a little thing, and it makes Daniel smile.
Neither of them really falls asleep, but it's enough to be like this, in this little room, just them for a little while.
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dogboner · 7 months ago
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
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sherlock-is-ace · 2 months ago
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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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coquelicoq · 5 months ago
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fisheito · 7 months ago
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Imagine you have to set up yakumo's enclosure for the next couple months. How do you set it up and what do you put in there?
oh NO.! THE PROPPHECY HAS BEenm FUFILLED
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i am standing in my room, leggies rooted to the floor. i am in shock .frozen and i have no idea how to proceed. there is a perpetual pathetically sobbing serpent under my blankie.
#stares at the camera and stage whispers#i can't be responsible for another living creature. i can't. or . er. i can. but I SHOULDN'T#i'll have to suppress every violent urge in my body to keep this thing alive for several months#i CANNOT fling him out the window. i WILL NOT grab his entire face and squeeze. I SHALL NOT chew on his tail.#now i'm reminded of that post where it's a pretty princess cage on the floor and comments go [that aint big enough for a dog]#and OP is all [it's not FOR a dog 😀]#yeah. that's me right now imagining a full grown yakumo in a cage by my bedside#SO FOR EASE OF MY IMAGINATION AND TO increase yaku's chance of surviving these next months#i'm going to try real hard to imagine him exclusively in pocket snake form (scrunches up my face in valiant effort)#his enclosure (crib?!?!) is flanked on all sides by eiden plushies#since yaku is an adult there is a smaller chance of him suffocating on eiden in his sleep. wait. actually#arranges the eiden walls to give some pockets of air. i don't trust him. he WILL suffocate on eiden given the opportunity#he gets one of those tiny dollhouse cooking sets for enrichment LOL#or i'll give him a bunch of those make-your-own gummy kits with elaborate setups and tiny egg gummies#crying yaku is the excuse i need to finally get a humidifier#i can survive not misting myself.. usually... but yaku will cry himself into dehydration. it's misting time#he gets an entire alcove closed off in the corner with his basic needs met. i cannot perceive#he can lurk in privacy as much as he wants. there are at least TWO hot rocks in there with garukaru's faces painted on em#there is a duplicate open-space alcove next to it for when he actually wants something from me LOL#is he a free range snake? can i take him to a bunch of restaurants and shove food into my sleeve for him? he wants to sample the delights..#tempted to put a bell on him just so if he gets loose in the basement i'll know to fish him out#but he's pretty cautious... he won't get into any fatal situations in the house right? ...does he know how to swim?!#at least one day is reserved for testing yaku's swimming capabilities.#he is going into the bathtub while it has a film of water. gonna test his traction. i hope i won't get panic-strangled#asks
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my-mind-is-afk-rn · 8 days ago
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Man thinking about old alters is kinda weird cause I'm sitting here like "oh I wonder what [x] would think of where I am now" and then I'm like. Oh wait, that's me. That's not some mystical spirit that was just in my life for 8 years of my childhood, that was a phase of mine that I had back in elementary/middle school, except I was having like 40 of them at once and they were all different, and now that we're fused together again, I remember every path of this life like it was the original, but at the same time I remember interactinf with... each other.. and..... now I just have like 40x the memories except I don't and.. uh... anyway what *would* [x] think of me now, well honestly i have NO idea because their life "ended" before I got a grasp of our sense of self... and that was the whole point of doing that..... and I keep forgetting that I was just... Like That for so long. Anyone get what I'm saying? (I need sleep)
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triglycercule · 1 month ago
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horrordust vs kist
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bonus addition fanon horrordust & kist
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thedyingwriter · 14 days ago
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somethings that i needed to get out regarding today's episode:
9-1-1 live airs in the US around 7 am Friday in my country and i get to watch it at 10:30 am on disney hotstar.
I couldn't wait so i was awake all night and was literally on twt since 6:30 am to get some clips.
that's where i find out that bucktommy break up.
i have been devastated all day. i have cried multiple times and i have literally lost count atp. it hurts like an actual breakup and i have absolutely no one irl to share this grief with.
the Abby being the ex-fiance wasn't even a major issue. i have been seen it done so well in so many fics.
Josh's speech was so beautiful and important but then to pull a breakup like that makes no fucking sense.
after what we saw in 8x5 breaking them made absolutely zero sense.
i was too overwhelmed so i tried to sleep and actually watched the entire episode around 11 am. I wanted to keep and open mind and analyse the episode.
twt is literally so toxic rn. I'm not even opening it.
after watching the entire episode i was even more confused as the breakup made zero sense.
we have had 8 seasons of character growth for buck, if they end up making him go back to casual relationships it just feels a complete wastage of 8 seasons of growth.
and from what we've seen in the past episodes the breakup was completely uncharacteristic to both buck and tommy.
it made no sense. why would tommy put so much effort if he knew it wouldn't last.
him constantly showing up for evan and talking about family just made zero sense for him to break up like that.
also it kinda felt weird to bring moving in together before saying i love yous.
and the way he said "the parking spot was too good to be true". this breakup doesn't feel good at all. he was obviously in pain and so was buck. this isn't doing any of them any good.
utter bullshit.
plus the "I'll see you around buck" broke me. like why the fuck would you do that to me and to buck.
it felt like someone put fucking alcohol all over a stab wound and then rubbed salt all over it.
LOW BLOW.
now coming to the post ep interviews which btw made it worse.
i was still under the impression that the way the breakup happened there was still hope for reconciliation because remember even tarlos went through breakups.
but then lou confirmed he might not be back and that this is it. specially that buck line. UGH.
and that #letbuckfuck interview with oliver really triggered me. I'm a bisexual woman and the reason i really loved buck's discovery of his sexuality was bcs Oliver was very determined in Givin a good bi rep.
but this doesn't feel that way. he could have said that he wants to see buck explore his sexuality more with both men and woman but the whole "girl, girl, guy. guy, girl, guy" montage was a very disturbing image.
it feels very stereotypical and biphobic.
it just hurts me so much. idk why i expected so much from a network tv show who has been queerbating for years.
i am gonna be watching this season just to see how they salvage buck's relationship and sexuality. it feels incomplete.
but if it goes in the buck 1.0 direction that's it for me.
i watch 911 as an escape from reality and if it goes so bad i am not continuing with the show.
it has already tested my limits and mental health enough.
also i need to point out that there are a lot of people who enjoy watching sports a lot more than they enjoy playing it. buck is a watcher. he would have loved seeing the Lakers match. just bcs he doesn't like to play doesn't mean he hates basketball.
a little extra side notes-
really excited for another buckley han kid. hope they don't ruin it. want to see how they deal with ppd this time.
also happy for eddie and really hoping he gets chris back soon.
ya'll need to understand how platonic friendship buddie is also so important rn then them getting together bcs eddie is def not ready to date.
if he starts dating he'll feel super guilty for putting his desire above chris all over again.
ALSO FOR PEOPLE IN THE BACK- EDMUNDO DIAZ IS CANON STRAIGHT.
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djevelbl · 1 month ago
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I'm tired of trying to rummage through the dwindling search results just so I can maybe find something new to read — I've been in the fandom for years, I partially grew up with it, it's basically part of my identity, it carried me through some of my worst years as of now, and it's horrible to see it slowly die day by day. It's no one's fault — after all, I get why people would want to leave, and why they'd want to erase every trace of having loved these characters, the internet isn't forgiving once you've fucked up; there's no nuance and no mercy, so I get it.
But I'm not ready to leave yet. I don't think I'll ever be.
I want to keep growing alongside these characters, I want to live as they do and smile when they do — cry and laugh and feel whenever they do. Yet now I have to come to terms with the death of this fandom, the one that saved me (for as dramatic as it sounds) and the one that cradled me when I needed a hug. The one that made me feel a little less alone in what I loved, the one I wanted to explore until I died.
I have to come to terms with it's death, I have to come to terms with the fact that one day I won't have any new stories to read. I don't think I can do that without breaking.
The thing is: there's no other fandom that has grabbed me this hard — this fandom felt so versatile, so malleable; we could write about space the same way we could write about fantasy and superheroes and its canon. We could write about the olympics and dance academies and slam poetry, and no one would bat an eye; it feels harder to do all of this with other characters. I haven't found anything to fill the void this fandom is leaving, and I fear I never will — I know it's only been months, but I thought this would last forever! I thought I'd keep growing alongside it and I know this must sound stupid, some random person on the internet mourning an online community of all things, but it helped me: I felt held and accompanied whenever I opened a new book, I spent days imagining what my favorite characters would do in whatever story I was thinking of writing next, I started so many books that I'm not sure I'll ever finish writing, and somehow I don't mourn those the way I mourn the fandom as a whole. I felt seen in a way I never quite did in real life, because in the community there were other people who shared the same passion for the characters that I did, and I didn't have to explain it all to them so they could understand — they already did! They created and lived and grew up with it the same way I did, and for once I hadn't felt like the odd one out of the group, the one with the weird interests that no one cared about because they were inaccessible to others.
And now it's fucking dying. And now I gotta mourn it all
I feel aimless, like I'm just drifting through the motions — I never had much going on, still don't have a lot going on (hell, I probably have even less going on right now) and I know that doesn't help me in moving on. Maybe I need to start going to therapy again, maybe this is just the denial in the grieving process — but I'm tired. I finally had a taste of how it was like being within a big community that understood me and got what I liked and enjoyed the same things as I did, and I don't wanna go back to being isolated in my interests.
And to think this whole... I don't know man, thing spawned out of not finding many books I wanted to read. I feel dumb. I feel pathetic. I'm sad and angry and so heartbroken. The null sleep I got through the night is probably not helping. I should go to sleep I think
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subtle-as-an-earthquake · 10 months ago
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i miss them so much
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miallurk · 11 months ago
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In these days i realized i like art and writing and creating and shopping and taking walks and talking to people and cleaning and helping and studying and doing things but i'm just. too stressed, tired and burned out to do them. How great!
#i am losing my sanity day by day#drowning myself in the nearby lake seems better and better every day#why am i even writing this i have literally no mutuals or even people who'd care about#don't mind me crying myself to sleep haha#ooooh look at this pathetic baby. sitting in their little bed crying stupid tears. i should at least get tissues now while my crying isn't#fuck history fuck school and fuck me i quess#am i gonna start treating this as an actual blog and make a sideblog for reblogs? who knows! certainly not me; stay tuned for the story!#i'm gonna go and just let it all out into a pillow#vent ig#my mom is blasting holiday music in the other room lol#nice to have a whatever the fuck im having while “jingle bells” plays#at least i'm not hearing mariah carey ig#anyway i've probably hadn't been taking care of myself lately it has been worse despite me promoting it to everyone who needs#when i vented last time and it wasn't taken seriously so woop#anyway imma go try to calm myself and back to my notes i go#please gods what did i do to deserve thi s shit. fuck you#i hate it here i really do. i hate when these people talk to me i hate them. i at least can be sorta accquaitances with one but they just.#all stare and laugh? i actually can't. like i'm some fucking clown and laughing stock. just kill me at this point. i have been enduring this#for YEARS and suddenly i'm being a little bitch about it?? what the fuck. why am i so mushy all of a sudden. being shown an ounce of respect#and care made me expect it more? fuck#i'm just setting myself up for failure. i am just a giant loser and failure of a person.#everything seems so fucking hard. and pointless. i am tearing my rotten little heart apart with this. i am once again grieving things#long ago and things i never had. my everything has to be pleasing to an outsider#my value is my suffering. am i breaking enough? is this beautiful to look at#at my self destruction? i hate myself. i treat others so cruelly. i am a horrible fucking person.#my problems are not their burden - i forced it on them. wept like a baby because she left me. and what happened in the end? my paranoia got#to me. i left them. i fucking. i fid the thing i was afraid of being done to me.#this is showing so many issues.#so many things wrong with me. i shouldn't even be alive by this point - i wasn't supposed to survive past 12#i am being forced to do this every day. someone please just end my fu king suffering
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formulaheart · 1 year ago
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hi guys twin size mattress by the front bottoms was written about sejanus and coriolanus and i wish things could've worked out in their favor
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jasmancer · 5 months ago
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god this fucking sucks.
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