#i'm impatient. I can't take my time on that. i'm impatient I can not redo shit over and over until it looks good

[lizzerswillpoststuffmethinks]

Gexjtghrghwfhex

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

Crossroads

Written for the @steddieholidaydrabbles, day 9

Prompt: Icy Roads

Rated: T

Tags: Fantasy AU; Demons; Deal with a devil; Slight blood and gore; Blood drinking

The full moon is almost at its zenith by the time Eddie reaches the crossroads outside the village. It's a few days until the solstice, and even though there's no wind, the air has that unforgiving bite to it that comes with clear, starry winter nights. His toes are aching in his threadbare boots - that dull, throbbing pain that means they're going to go numb soon. He grits his teeth and ignores them, stiff fingers fumbling in his bag for the supplies. 

He didn't account for how difficult it would be, etching the runes into the ground. The earth and mud are frozen solid, covered in a thin sheen of glittering ice. He casts his stick aside after the first futile attempt, opting to use his dagger instead, and even so, it's agonizingly slow work. Eddie swears under his breath, casting nervous glances at the moon overhead. The witching hour will be over soon. When his circle is finally complete, his neck is drenched in sweat and his breath fogs around him in puffy clouds. He doesn’t waste any time, scrambling up and standing by the side of the circle. His hands are so numb he hardly feels the pain of the blade slicing through his palm. He waits impatiently for the blood to well up, then holds his hand out. 

“What are you doing?” 

Eddie yelps and whirls. The precious red droplets burst outside the circle. 

There's a boy standing behind him, watching him curiously. He must've come from the village, even though Eddie is sure he's never seen him around. He'd remember if he had. 

He's striking. More beautiful than anyone else Eddie has seen in his sixteen winters. Smooth, soft skin with dark moles scattered all over it, like the stars in the sky above. His clothes are unlike anything Eddie has ever seen, rippling around him like water turned fabric. Shiny and precious and way too thin for a night like this. Some merchant's or nobleman's son, probably, passing through on his way to wherever it is that rich people go. 

“Fuck off,” he snaps, clenching and unclenching his hand in an attempt to draw more blood. “Can't you see I'm busy?” 

The boy doesn't fuck off. His footsteps crunch in the frozen mud as he walks closer. Eddie tries to ignore him, even though he can feel his breath on his neck. 

“Are you trying to summon a demon?” 

Eddie groans. 

“No,” he grits out. A thin red rivulet is trickling down his shaking fingers. Not enough. Not nearly enough. “I'm not trying, I am summoning a demon, so get outta here before-” 

“No, you're not.” 

Eddie whips around. The boy doesn't flinch, even though the burst of movement almost knocks their noses together. 

“What the hell would you know about that?” 

The boy shrugs, meeting his glare with an infuriatingly bright smile. “I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that rune is upside down.” 

“It’s not-” Eddie starts to say, but then he follows the boy's gaze and his stomach lurches. “Shit!” 

He drops to his knees, frantically trying to smooth out the earth and redo his work, but the ground is rock hard and his bloodied fingers keep slipping on the hilt of the dagger and his nose is stinging and the rune is starting to blur in front of his eyes. 

“It's no use,” says the boy, not unkindly. “You'll never fix it on time. You can always come back next month, or in spring even, when the ground is-” 

“No, I can't!” Eddie yells. His voice cracks. In the shrubbery by the roadside, a tiny animal takes off in flight. “I can't wait because he'll be dead by next month, so shut the fuck up and leave me alone!” 

Silence drops. Somewhere in the night, an owl hoots, long and mournful. 

“Dead?” asks the boy. He had crouched down so that his face is level with Eddie’s, peering at him with the same calm curiosity as before. “Who'll be dead?” 

Eddie wipes his eyes, smearing tears and blood all over his face. 

“My uncle. He's sick, and it's been getting worse, he doesn't have time-”

The boy snorts, disbelieving and bewildered. “What, you don't have healers in your village?”

And Eddie doesn’t know why, but he almost tells him. About how they're too poor to afford one. About how, even if they could, nobody would come and help them. How it's all his fault. He, who killed his own mother in childbirth, who seems to be followed by bad luck wherever he goes. No way any of the superstitious townspeople would mess with that. 

“This is pretty serious business, what you're attempting here. It's no joke, entering a contract with a demon.”  

“Yeah, no shit,” Eddie snivels, watching his hand in his lap. Now it's bleeding, of course. Now that it's too late. “You think I don't know that?” 

“You're willing to accept the consequences, then? Sign over your body and soul? Obey their every order? Serve them in this life and beyond, and swear allegiance to no other master?” 

“Fuck, yeah, whatever,” Eddie growls. “All of that, if that's what it takes. What's it to-” 

And then he looks up and his voice fails. 

The boy is smiling, wide and satisfied. His eyes are gold, glowing with an inner light that puts the moon to shame. His pupils are thin slits. 

“I've stated my terms and you’ve accepted,” the boy says. In spite of the frost, his hand is warm as it closes around Eddie’s wrist. His nails are sharp. “Just as I accept your offering.” 

His tongue tickles Eddie’s skin as he drags it over the cut in his palm, lapping up the blood. 

“The contract is valid, and your wish shall be granted. From this night, you're mine.” 

More holiday drabbles

It's not how Eddie expected to sell his soul, but he'll take all he can get. 

[karamatsuboy-aj]

Script thing time!! Featuring alev( @oyatochie OC) and shishio ( @oya-oya-okay OC)

Be warned there will be some angst

Shishio:*I was walking around looking for Asher he was supposed to keep riddle busy but I haven't seen him all day*Asher! Buddy?

Alev:*ran up*shishio did you find ash yet?*panting because he ran up here*

Shishio:no it's weird he usually would have ran into us by now *sighs getting impatient*

Yuu:guys we got a vice warden emergency!!

Alev:which vice warden?

Yuu:Asher! He's burning up bad a-and he keeps calling me Lilith who the hell is Lilith?

Shishio:where is he?

*five minutes later*

Asher:*laying on bed looking over heated eyes glassy*

Alev:Asher? Hey you ok?

Asher:*looks at alev not really looking at him*fang?*says weakly thinking alev is his brother*

Alev:*worry*n-no buddy I'm alev what happened?

Shishio:when did his hair go orange? Shouldn't it be brownish red?

Asher:*looks like he did when he was born with the orange hair and the green and yellow eyes*

Yuu:w-we should call Crowley right?

Lilia:yes you should

Yuu, shishio,and, alev:*jolts scared*

Alev:when did you get here?!?

Lilia:I got worried when I found sliver sleeping alone by a tree Asher would have either brought him to his room or taken a nap next to him when he didn't I decided to check in*feels Asher forehead*he shouldn't be sick at least not this sick yuu go and get Crowley

Yuu:*runs off*

Shishio:do you know what's wrong with him?

Alev:is this because of the potion he drank earlier?

Lilia:what potion?

Alev: someone gave Asher a potion earlier

Lilia: show me the bottle

Shishio:*hands him the bottle*

Lilia:*looks at it*this isn't good this potion is to reverse any spell or blessing someone gets when Asher was a child he was sickly Crowley asked me how he can help and I told him about blessings I gave one to sliver and it seems crowley gave one to Asher this sickness is his magic over flowing once again

Alev:his magic is over flowing?

Lilia:yes you see Asher is very powerful even for what he is but the thing is his body can't handle his magic without getting him sick to the brink of death so the blessing makes it so his body can handle that magic without it harming him

Crowley:*runs in and see Asher*my poor nephew

Asher:un'le?*breathing slowly hitching*

Crowley:yeah I'm here*thinking and redoing the blessing*who ever did this will pay

Asher:'m 'eepy

Shishio and alev:*looks worry*he doesn't look better

Lilia: it'll take time for the blessing to take effect just let him rest

Shishio and alev:night ash*looks worry*

Asher:night fang luna*falls asleep as someone changes the rag on his forehead*you two are the best babas*thinks shishio and alev are his brothers*

Crowley: shishio alev watch over Asher I need to talk to riddle and the rest*leaves*

Lilia:who ever did this will face Crowley wrath poor fools*leaves*

Shishio and alev:*left alone with a sleeping and delusional Asher*

The end hope ya like it

[poscoposco]

My Honest Take on Trigun Stampede

Now that I've had time to come down from the high of watching the season one finale, I think I'd ought to talk about the problems I've had with the series so far. While I enjoyed it a lot -- for the animation, character design, and music -- Stampede is riddled with issues indicative of narrative impatience.

One thing I've always noticed in media is the narrative's spatial awareness. It sounds strange, I know. But a show's ability to convey to the audience where in the world the characters are is an important aspect of both world building and pacing. Some shows that do with very well include Avatar the Last Airbender, Voltron Legendary Defender (shut up, I know but it accomplishes this aspect very well,) and, of course, Trigun '98. I don't just mean that we see these characters travel, but the way they travel, the time it takes, and the changes scenery create the illusion of distance. We constantly see Vash, Meryl, Milly, and Wolfwood utilizing various methods of travel throughout '98, including busses, taxis, hitchhiking in cars, and, most notably, the sandsteamer. These not only move them from place to place, but have a temporary aesthetic effect as well.

I think my biggest gripe with Stampede is how the squad just pops from one place to another. They have a car, sure, and that works to an extent, but how did they get to Ship 3? How for is Ship 3 from July? How far is Ship 5? We saw Vash ride there in the past.

This has a real effect on the pacing. And what results is a narrative that feels like it was written for moments with no idea how to connect them. I love those moments; I really do. They're excellently done. But I need bones to go with that meat. It isn't enough to see characters I love doing cool things, I want to see how they got to the cool thing.

Back to that "characters I love thing" for a sec. I also have an issue with this version of Wolfwood. One of the things that made him so endearing in '98 was his immediate chemistry and rivalry with Vash. He is, in essence, the perfect foil. I can't really speak for the manga because I haven't finished it (the volumes are thick and I have a thing about ruining the spines of books, so be patient with me) but a lack of chemistry between main characters is a problem no matter how you look at it. Also give him his nose back.

I am a firm believer in never redoing something that you have no intention of changing. It's why TMNT works as a franchise. It's why Voltron works. It's why Star Trek works. Every time they do it again, something changes. Whether it's characters, genre, plot points, theming; it's never the same twice. Otherwise, what's the point of doing it again?

I'm glad Stampede exists. I think it's taking a unique look at the story and changing it to say something new. I really like this take on Knives and how they've set up the next season. I think showing us the July incident was an effective introduction to what I can only imagine will be a more traditional Vash. The manga and Trigun '98 are still available for anyone to pick up and enjoy. Hopefully, this new version will get more people interested in the franchise as a whole.

[beautifulterriblequeen]

B2:S - Chapter 5

Much of this series will be about the differences and additions in the novel version, and how they contribute to my understanding of story canon. But there will be character appreciation, the odd theory and headcanon, and suchlike as well.

Here be lots of Viren deets, Best Boy Soren deets, some writing/continuity stuff, worldbuilding appreciation and half of a theory, Detective Rayla, Moon Temple geeking, Claudium and dark magic, and more!

Spoilers for Book Two: Sky below.

(I know for darn sure that I wrote up a post for chapter 4, but I can't find it anywhere so I guess Tumblr ate it and I'll have to redo it at some point, but today is not that day)

Viren, my evil dude, my bad guy, coming in clutch with the worldbuilding and backstory again! If you want to know decades of information, you gotta talk to Viren. Or read his scenes, at least. Here, he seems to not sleep much when he has a big problem to analyze his way through. Solutions trump pretty much everything else in this guy's life, and he's had a really hard week with a lot of new and complicated problems. Of course he's getting sleep-deprived trying to find his way through them all.

Harrow put so much trust in Viren when he made him High Mage! He just threw himself extra hard at that Lady Justice blindfold, didn't he? Didn't really want to see what Viren was doing in his magic study, so he left Viren to his devices. And Viren has a lot of devices.

Also, this is fascinating: Viren made the secret passage to his "less official study" in Katolis Castle! And he was inspired to do so by the way his own mentor kept the Puzzle House. What else could a Puzzle House be, except a place with secret passages? Yay! secret headcanon that "the Puzzle House" is just "Katolis Castle" from Kid Viren's perspective tho

So either Viren built all of those passageways, or at least the ones to his dungeon. Which means he has to have, or know where to get, a stash of those glowing blue Moonshadow crystals. Hmmm.

I can't wait to learn more about Kpp'Ar and young Viren, btw. From this description of Viren and all his literal secret ways, it feels like another parallel between Viren and Runaan, with the whole "secretive paths, members only, insider knowledge" type stuff. Only the really cool members of this cult club get to know the secrets, and guess what, kid, you're cool now but you can never tell anyone, okay? Our secret.

Yeahhh, that'll never backfire in any way for either of them.

Kpp'Ar calling puzzles and secrets "man-made magic," though. Yes sir, knowledge is indeed power.

This chapter mentions Runaan by name, from Viren's perspective. Generally that would imply that Viren knows his name, even though assassins do not share their names, and Runaan didn't seem to give his to Viren in the first book. However, there was a scene in book one where the last paragraph switched perspective from Viren to Runaan - a technique that's very common in visual media like movies and shows and gives you that "ohoho they left the room and didn't notice this, but you do!" vibe. Using Runaan's name there in book one, where Viren couldn't see it but readers could, helps them keep track of the assassin's story arc while maintaining Viren's racism.

So in book two, in which Runaan has no onscreen scenes (alas), using his name in a scene that calls back to the events in book one helps us remember what happened in that dungeon cell. It would be a bit muddier to recall the specifics if Viren kept thinking about Runaan as "Elf." So I'm cool with the perspective nudge because it serves a narrative purpose: clarity. But I'm also enjoying the angst of considering that, somehow, Viren learned Runaan's name either during or after the coining spell. Mwa ha ha haaa. (Obligatory "Keep my pretty name outta your mouth" goes here)

Okay, back to Viren's scheming! He took the mirror because it was human-sized in a dragon lair. He knew it didn't really fit there, and that made it interesting, so he stole it. But he realized it was really powerful when Runaan wouldn't tell him squat about it - the assassin's instinct to protect Xadian secrets from human hands meant that Viren was holding a very powerful Xadian secret. And that just made him want it all the more. Ah, Runaan, if only your relationship with lying was, like, the exact opposite of what it is. Nyx could've spun Viren a believable tale in 2 minutes flat.

Also of interest: Viren considers his cursed coins to be a final fate. He expects Runaan to remain in his coin forever. With the Chekhov's coins still extant in the storyline, we can assume that they'll come up again eventually, but Viren has no current plans to do anything with his elf money except carry it around.

It's worth noting that Viren admits that he got impatient when he trapped Runaan in the coin. Runaan's first fate in Katolis was supposed to be death at Soren's hands, but Claudia "saved" him from that. His next fate was to become spell components, but Viren's frustration with his stubbornness "saved" him from that fate, too. So now he's in a coin, where no one can chop him up at all. Yay? No, boo!

We get one last line about Runaan before Viren shifts gears: he makes a point of noting for us that Runaan's shackles are still locked shut. However much of Runaan made it into that coin - body, soul, hair care products - he was magicked there, pulled right out of his restraints.

The creepy black liquid that Viren pours right into his eyes is the last of a powerful potion he got from Kpp'Ar, and its recipe is ancient! Humans used it back in the age of Elarion to see through the illusions of the world. And we get a delightfully creepy bit of description about the preparation of this serum, which makes it abundantly clear that it's a Moon magic-based concoction, harvested from eyeless vipers on a moonless night, with the threat of irrevocable madness ("madness" by whose definition, though) if it's done wrong-

Hang on. Hold up. This is a Plato's Cave reference. OH MY GOD.

No no I'm fine, this is brilliant. Sorry, sorry, I couldn't figure why there was so much description for a potion prep that Viren didn't even have to perform himself. But now I get it. I see the light. HA. I should make a separate post for this, it's amazing.

Anyway, for reference, the humans who used this serum were called the Oracles of Ophidia, and Ophidia is a taxonomy group that includes all modern snakes. Can you say "creepy ancient snake rites"? I can! Woo!

Viren activates the serum with a spell, but apparently he's never done it before. He's not sure if it's supposed to be hot and bubbly, and he worries that it's been tainted by moonlight.

Oh, I do hope so.

The magic potion hurts, a lot. Viren will do just about anything, to himself or anyone, to do what he believes is necessary. He just risked madness and blindness to find out what this mirror does! Viren. Can you just. Take a nap or something. Have a Snickers.

This chapter gives us a fun clue that I don't remember from the show: when Viren's vision clears and he can see, his reflection has white pupils and the room reflected in the mirror has inverted colors. You know where else has inverted colors?

You know who else got white pupils for a hot second?

Okay, now it makes sense! Viren and Lujanne were both seeing into the realm beyond life and death. Him with his moon magic potion, and her with her moon powers on a full moon night at the Moon Nexus. Which is Very Interesting! Is it a direct hint about Aaravos's location, or just a separate cool detail? Orrr, does it look like a direct hint because Aaravos is actually trapped in the world beyond life and death, but it's actually separate and we'll see something about white pupils again later on?

Viren really does have self-esteem issues, we all picked up on it with his rant at his reflection. He throws a fit when he catches himself wondering if he's actually worthless. In the book version of his tantrum, he shoves the mirror and hurls a candelabra instead of flipping a table. He didn't need to shove the mirror to set the fire, but it's in here. Foreshadowing that perhaps, if push comes to shove, Viren will choose himself over Aaravos? Giving Aaravos time to peek through and see that the coast is clear?

Soren, my boyyyyy. He has a rough night at the Moon Nexus because two sides of him are fighting with each other. He struggles to understand Callum's friendship with Rayla, and he also fantasizes about chopping off Rayla's head. One of these is a pretty ordinary thing to do. The other is Soren's internalization of what he needs to do to gain his father's approval. If he brought his dad a chopped off elf head every week, he'd probably feel a lot more confident because Viren would praise him a lot more.

Okay, okay, omg, is it just me, or does the "Moonshadow Madness" story, as it's told in the book, seem like Soren just doesn't know what a monsterfucker is? He thinks an elf bite puts humans under a spell. But vampires are sexy, and some people want them to do more to them than just bite them. A passionate kiss under the moonlight could look very bitey, especially if one of the participants has horns and you're already culturally trained to hate them. No yeah, I'm already headcanoning an actual human-elf kiss that got misunderstood by an observer long ago.

it's Lujanne isn't it, we all know, because what is a love spell but a sweet soft illusion, I mean how else does she get supplies for her Caldera, I ask you, and also Corvus was totally sent to investigate once and he told Soren at camp what he saw

And then back to magefam angst: Soren pretending that his sister's nose-tapping is stupid, even though he actually thinks it's cool, just because their dad thinks it's stupid. Viren, istg. Let your kids like harmless things. It's so cute that Soren taps his nose back at her, though! Like they have their own sibling code. I hope we get to see the nose tap again, especially now that they've chosen different sides. It could mean so much, that they're not too far apart yet.

Rayla knows what buttery pancakes smell like. I love this. Do Moonshadow elves have butter and pancakes, does Rayla eat a stack of eight giant pancakes in the morning? Orrrr it is just illusion food? I don't care, let Rayla have pancakes! Everyone loves pancakes. Pancakes will save the world. this message brought to you by the fact that I can't eat pancakes rn, send help

I love that Rayla is both sus of the pancakes and hungry, and that combines into a very motivated "I will get to the bottom of this" attitude. She kind of goes into Poirot Mode when she inserts herself into Soren and Ellis's conversation about Ava, explaining about the wolf's illusion leg and segueing into her claim that the pancakes taste sus. Claudia confirms she used dark magic, and Rayla is furious. It's different than the show's version in that it puts Rayla in detective mode, as the only Moonshadow elf in the scene, and boy does she take that role seriously. Also, she doesn't actually swallow the dark magic pancake bite. It ends up on the ground just like Lujanne's grubs from that earlier meal. These poor kids are so nutrient-starved. You guys gotta eat!!

Rayla's determination and prejudices and the fact that she super knows Harrow is dead all dovetail to make her try repeatedly to persuade Callum that Soren and Claudia are Not To Be Trusted. It's nice that the book keeps taking the time to point out that Rayla is Well Intentioned But Flawed, just like Callum and pretty much every other character in the show. No one is Right All The Time, no one Knows More Than Everyone Else.

Callum loving the sound of Claudia's unique voice is so wholesome. When you like someone, it only makes sense that you like all the things about them that they can't change - like the sound of Claudia's voice. Her choices with dark magic, not so much!

Claudia seems to have the same concerns Soren does about Callum's relationship with Rayla, but she comes out and asks him. The inherent possession implied in "your elf" is interesting, though. Elves are not people to Claudia. They're enemies who can be disassembled for the magic inside them. So maybe more like robots than living beings, if she knew what a robot was. Maybe she heard Soren's "Moonshadow Madness" story and realized he totally missed the kissing implications - but she didn't, and now she's genuinely worried that Rayla could kiss Callum under a full moon and enchant him to do her will. Good thing it's only a half moon, then!

Okay, Callum nervously making a puppet hand and then not knowing what to do with his hands and freaking out about itching and moving and pointy elbows is such a ND mood. The sudden stress of knowing that someone else is noticing your existence and maybe you're Not Existing Right, amirite? Ugh, poor Callum.

The Moon Temple! Omg it's so pretty in the description! Made to be beautiful and useful, full of knowledge but also allowing light and life inside (butterflies and vines). Lujanne, when can I move in, please? Also, it's all the more angsty because Lujanne is the only one who gets to see this beautiful place, but it has lots of chairs and shelves and tables, and it was meant to be used by lots of people. :(((

Claudia knows some of the runes on the walls. She isn't in a hurry to copy the rest of them down or anything, either. Her spellwriting is very precise, and she's a skilled mage. Her father would have made sure she was aware of the dangers of drawing sloppy runes, as much as he made her aware of the dangers of doing dark magic wrong. And the whole point of dark magic is that it's easier to learn than primal magic. Claudia supports her dad and their shared knowledge and life path. She's not gonna go nuts over an elf library she can't translate.

Side note: Between Claudia knowing some Moon runes and Viren building a secret passageway and a dungeon and lighting it with the same blue crystals that Lujanne and Ethari use for light--and Claudia exclaiming that she loves ruins--I wonder once more if there are really Moonshadow ruins somewhere in Katolis, which Viren has found and looted. Father-daughter relic hunting trip, maybe while Soren is away at camp? Omgsh that would be so wild!

Callum out here having a Viren moment with his "I feel powerless unless I've got magic that lets me help" vibes. God. I love their complicated mirroring. One of the hard differences between them is that Callum is very sure dark magic is bad because you have to kill stuff and take its power to cast spells, and he doesn't want to be a person who kills and takes like that. The line he walks to be nice to Claudia on their tour of the Cursed Caldera because he likes her, while telling her that he doesn't want to do her magic, like, ever, is so fine that it might as well be a shifting shadow on the ground. It's a very fitting conversation to be having during the half moon, with its tricks and little white lies.

Callum being out of the castle and his comfort zone, having to deal with the fact that the Claudia he loves is not quite the Claudia who's chasing him down across the kingdom, but of the two of them, he's the only one with a problem with this.

They say that if you really want to get to know someone, you should spend time with them outside their comfort zone - in heavy traffic, with a small baby, taking care of a new pet, trying a new skill, following unfamiliar directions, etc. While the castle is familiar territory for them both, Callum's never really found his comfort zone yet, while Claudia is pretty comfortable with her growing skill set. The creepy part starts to kick in when Callum begins to realize that Claudia's comfort zone encompasses a whole bunch of stuff that seems like it should make her uncomfortable... but it doesn't. But that'll be for a future chapter!

[dreamquackity]

Mish I won't lie to you, I'm feeling so incredibly burnt out but stressed at the same time it's worrying.

I'm already a big worrier, something about hereditary anxiety or whatever, but now I'm in year 11 (final year of secondary school in the UK), and my GCSE exams around around the corner, quite literally. But the thing is, I can't find the motivation to revise and study the material. I was marks off of failing my chemistry mock, and now I have more but what the fuck am I supposed to do?

It's all made ten times worse because I've had Tourette's pretty much my entire life, but it was only minor and has recently gotten much worse. I'm in the middle of trying to get a diagnosis, but because of Covid, and the fact a newer and more dangerous variant has reached the UK, I may not get it in time for my exams - which is bad. I have many vocal tics, so should I make the slightest noise on the day in that hall, all my marks are discredited and I have to redo it until I can repress them long enough to get through a near 2 hour exam. The exam board is bretahinf down my neck to get the diagnosis, which isn't fair because of Covid and the entire situation, but they don't listen.

All the stress from that combined with helping my friends and dealing with other things is just getting to me a lot. I talk to my parents and they just say, "calm down, put it into perspective, it's not that bad in comparison to what other people are going through" and I know that, but I don't want to know how other people deal with things, I want to be able to fucking feel again.

I'm very apathetic now, I'd say. I feel very little emotionally, and that is scaring me. I want this burn out to go away, but everyone I've asked has just said to wait it out until exams are over, then I won't have to deal with it again.

I'm impatient, and this is taking too long, I can't wait until May/June to fucking feel again.

MCC was last night, and usually I'd be screaming with happiness. We got prison lore the other week, and all I could manage was a smile when I predicted the Final Disc Confrontation. Dream won so many awards, and when usually I'd be sending love to him through Twitter and stuff, now I can only go "well done" and that's it just because I don't have the motivation for anything.

This was only brought on by my mock exams in October, and it hasn't gone away yet, and I'm worried that I'll just. Stop feeling all together.

I used to be a very emotional and sensitive person. I'm usually quite empathetic, so whenever I used to get like this, I'd just cry it out and it's all be fine, but now I don't know what to do because that doesn't work anymore...

Do you have any advice? I want to be able to feel again asap

Thanks for reading, Mish, I appreciate it <3

if i can tell you anything from my own experiences, it’s that 1) school mock exams don’t reflect how you’ll actually perform in the GCSEs, at least that’s how it was for my country 2) take things day by day, sometimes you’re just going to feel a little fucked up and empty and so SO trapped but the endless feeling you get about this time in your life WILL pass, and whatever happens you will make it through. your fate hasn’t been decided yet so don’t think about what could happen, just do as much as you can now. that’s the best you can do, and it is an amazing effort :) 3) our hyperfixations make us happy, but there are ups and downs where these interests are concerned too! don’t feel bad if you don’t have the energy to be bursting with emotions. you’re growing. your brain is developing, your hormones are all jumbling together. just remember to eat well, sleep well, and remanage your expectations. set realistic goals for yourself when you do work/study. try to get some simple exercise to help with your mental health :) you’ll be shocked what that does, it’s something we all forget from time to time 4) diagnosis wise, im assuming you’ve done what you can and reached out to whatever resources you have access to. it’s a waiting game at this point im guessing? which is out of your control too so just keep telling that to whoever’s pressuring you about this!! i’m sorry if this isn’t the best advice, but i do hope it helps somewhat and that things get better soon! im rooting for u :)

[goodmorrowing]

Dani and Jamie have a hugee fight (for some reason) and Jamie ends up taking the couch for the night. Dani can't sleep so she crawls into Jamie's side sometime during the night and they make up

this one... absolutely got away from me. tell me if you hate it and i'll redo it because this one is making me feel iffy and i'm about half falling over.

-0-

It had been a couple weeks since Dani and Jamie had a moment to themselves.

Dani was busy with a fundraiser she’d volunteered to help organize, Jamie with The Leafling. The only time they actually spent together was when either one of them fell into bed beside the other at a silent hour in the morning. It was beginning to put a strain on things.

-0-

“Stop leaving your teabags on the counter,” Dani said on a rare morning they had together. “I always have to throw them away after you leave.”

“I’m in a rush, Dani,” Jamie claimed, sighing impatiently. Dani looked at her,

“Well, throwing it away literally takes five seconds.”

“Five seconds could be the difference between early and late.”

“Jamie, you’re being unreasonable,” Dani had said, frustration seeping into her tone. “Look. You pick the bag up, out of the tea,” she demonstrated, “and throw it away.”

“Dani! That wasn’t done steeping!”

“Oh, please. It was in there for long enough.”

“Fuck,” Jamie said, examining the cup of hardly-tea water, “I have to make another one. I don’t have the bloody time for this,” she hurried to grab another bag. Dani rolled her eyes.

“It’s not even eight yet. You have plenty of time.”

“Plenty of time, yeah? And that justifies you throwing out a perfectly good bag of tea?”

“Stop making this a bigger thing than it is,” Dani warned. Jamie shrugged dramatically, face contorting in anger.

“Right, because I’m just supposed to excuse your wastefulness. ‘M just supposed to pretend you never did that, right?”

“Jamie, you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

“God, would you stop that? It’s so fucking annoying when you do that.”

“What, tell the truth?” Dani challenged, leaning back against the counter nonchalantly. Jamie’s face reddened.

“Patronise me. You know I hate it when people do that, and then you go right along and do it. How mature, Dani. How bloody mature.”

“At least I can throw my trash away.”

“Good for you.”

“Yeah, I know, right? The things you learn when you have someone that loves you enough to teach you.”

Dani regretted it the second it came out of her mouth. The urge to hurt Jamie, just as their sparse time together had been hurting Dani over the weeks, had overpowered. Jamie froze, turned around.

“What?”

“Jamie, I didn’t mean that. I didn’t mean to—”

“Save it.” Jamie abandoned the tea and went straight to the door, hurrying to put her boots on and get out. She slammed the door, then left Dani to drown in her own remorse in the following silence.

-0-

The day dragged on miserably. Dani could hardly focus, let alone get work done, while she was still thinking about Jamie. She asked for the rest of the day off just after lunch, which was given to her graciously. The idea of popping by The Leafling occurred to her, but she ultimately decided against it. She would make Jamie dinner, and when Jamie got home, they would talk things out.

She made dinner, a simple casserole, a Midwestern plea for forgiveness. She waited for Jamie to come home, but the clock ticked past six; then seven; then nine. Dani gave up and headed to bed after it struck eleven.

-0-

Dani finally rose from a fitful slumber at 2:30 AM. The bed was still empty and cold, and Jamie was nowhere to be found. Dani, now concerned, got up to investigate. As soon as she stepped out of the bedroom and saw Jamie’s silhouette sitting on the couch, sitting perfectly still, she felt the guilt increase tenfold.

“Jamie?”

Jamie startled and looked back at Dani, but she said nothing. “Jamie, can you talk to me?”

“I’ve been thinking about what you said all day.”

She was staring off at the wall in front of her, speaking monotone. Dani’s heart clenched. “Jamie, I didn’t mean any of that.”

“I know you didn’t. And I’m not mad at you, s’just. . .” Jamie looked around, to Dani. “You were right.”

“No. I wasn’t,” Dani sat tentatively next to Jamie. “I was being an asshole. I told you not to make a big deal about it, but I was making a big deal out of it. And I crossed so many lines. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. S’mine.”

“Jamie, none of what I said this morning was true. I was tired, and frustrated. And I missed you. A-a lot,” Dani stammered, “it just built up. I was looking to pick a fight, and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Is it really okay?”

“Yeah, Dani. It’s fine,” Jamie said. Dani noted that, though she smiled, her eyes still shone a somber gray. She pulled Dani into her, holding her close.

“It’s not okay,” Dani observed, pulling away to look at Jamie’s face. “Talk to me.”

“I know you didn’t mean it. It still. . . I’d been thinking about it for a little while before that, I guess. It hit a little too close to home.”

“Jamie, I’m sorry—”

“It’s not your fault. It’s fine, okay? I’m fine.” Jamie gave her signature smirk, the one Dani knew she could never fake.

“I’m still sorry.”

“S’fine,” Jamie said, mid-yawn.

“Couldn’t sleep either?”

“Nah. Not without you.”

“I couldn’t sleep without you either.”

“Well, we’re both here now, might as well tuck in for the night?”

“Here? Jamie, we’re both too old for this.”

“S’too bad. Don’t feel like getting up.”

“We’re both going to feel this in the morning.”

“Not our,” she sighs contentedly, “problem. For now.”

For now, they had no problems. It was just them.

[itoshit]

'Thank you, I guess. The issue here is that she's not the only one that I lost. All my loved ones, friends and family included, vanished from my life, either dead or just gone. I'm not a stable person. My mind is fucked up, one day I want to let go of everything and jump from the roof of a building while the other I want to break some bones. It just... doesn't make sense anymore. My life, me even. And I don't know why I'm telling you all that but since you and I are gonna live under the same roof for god knows how long, you should probably know who I really am. I'm not a nice person, Vee. I'm toxic as hell.'

Breathing deeply I didn't dare look at you, too ashamed of what I was doing. Since when I opened up that way?

'And I want you to know that I'm sincerely sorry for what happened to you. The night we spent together was amazing and if I had to redo everything I would still chose you. But, I've never meant to hurt you in any way. Unfortunately I did though and nothing could fix it. But that's linked to what I'm saying since earlier, I'm not someone you can trust because I can't even trust myself. As soon as the issue with the Yamaguchi-gumi is over, I'll disappear from your life.'

Finally reaching the mall's parking I quickly changed the subject without even giving you time to answer. I didn't need one anyway, I knew that people were avoiding me like the plague. And I also knew that the less I was mingling with innocents like you, the better you were. Even if that meant for me to stay alone.

'Just pick everything you want, I'm following you so choose a store and we'll be fine'

You looked uncomfortable at first, probably because you weren't used to be in that type of situations.

Raising an eyebrow at you I chuckled at your indecision.

'I'm gonna choose for you then yeah?'

Taking you by your wrist I dragged you to the first store I found, Gucci.

You kept tugging on my wrist to let you go, saying that there were other shops way cheaper.

'Do I look poor to you Vee? Koko is in charge of Bonten's money, I'm rich. Pick whatever you want or I'll do it for you and it won't be covering an inch of your body.'

Understanding the meaning you took the hint and strolled through the alleys of the shop. The sellers were all around you and it made me laugh because you looked so out of place.

That was cute and refreshing for my dead heart.

At the end you opted for few hoodies and sweatpants.

The next shop was a French brand, Dior I think?

In that one you've chosen some dresses and heels.

And the list went on and on, I was pleasing you and it made me happy.

You chose some sneakers and other stuff like makeup -don't ask me what was what, I wouldn't know.

'Thank you Mikey for everything, you're like my sugar daddy'

I knew you were only teasing but I couldn't help myself. Sliding one arm around your shoulder I whispered to your ear.

'I can be if you want me to'

You were going for the exit of the mall when I pulled you close again.

'You don't have any underwear right? And Victoria Secret is right here. Care to take a look?'

Grinning at your expression, I dragged you into the store, impatient to see what they got.

-Mikey

Mikey as a sugar daddy?? Might write something about that at some point 🤭

deep down i KNEW this was gonna happen. mod your brain is so BIG.

There’s nothing much I can do but allow him to pull us inside the lingerie store. Cheeks burning at the scantily clad mannequin in the display.

Immediately I’m flocked by attendants, rapid-fire questions hurled at me from all angles about my cup and bust size, the width of my hips. When I take too long, they assure me that they’ll measure me properly, tape already in their hands. Barely having a chance to utter a word, I’m even more speechless while they work, wrapping the tape around my waist, back, along my thighs and hips, and my chest, shouting an array of numbers, letters or combinations of both between themselves.

They clap when they’re done, giggling about how they’re gonna find me the cutest sets to wear for my boyfriend and I send a panicked, bug-eyed look to Mikey as we disappear through the aisles. He doesn’t even look phased, sending me a small wave while the shopping bags from all the other stores we’ve hit huddle around his feet like little kids.

Thongs. So many thongs.

They toss hundreds of them into my bag, some with the matching bra to complete the set, cooing how they’ll look so good on me, and how irresistible I’d look wearing them.

He’ll want to rip them off you, one gushes, winking. And I realize they’re talking about Mikey.

I flush again. They had no idea how much he liked ripping clothes.

Wait. I stumble back at my thoughts. Was I insinuating that I wanted Mikey to rip my clothes off? Shaking my head to rid myself of that kind of thinking, I follow behind them, voicing how I also wanted to go for comfort rather than just… appealing to the senses.

They understand me and carry me towards a section full of cheekies, boyshorts and underwear. My shoulders slump in relief— they covered much more than thongs did. When we finally regroup at the cash register, I have more underwear in my bag than I had in my drawers at home. Being spoiled like this would’ve made me swoon in another life, but I couldn’t help but feel like a burden to Mikey, especially with what he confided in me today.

I frown into his head as he moves to pay. He describes himself all wrong. He wasn’t toxic. He was broken, chewed up by life and spat out into a world where there weren’t healthy coping mechanisms to handle the buildup of trauma he accumulated. I wonder briefly to myself why I hadn’t told him that when I had the chance. That’s when I see it— red.

What happened to your hand? I gasp, taking it into mine.

He quickly tries to pull away, but I snatch it back subtly, so as not to alert the cashier of our mini power struggle. I scrutinize the wounds, gaping at the smeared red that had crusted over crimson from neglect. These wounds were fresh. More than that, they were naked, untreated, practically begging for an infection.

Here you are, the cashier beams at us, completely unaware of the tension between us, just high knowing she was the worker attached to such a big sale.

Mikey takes the bag with his uninjured hand. He has no other choice, I won’t let the other one go.

We walk out of the store and into the crowd of people again, chaos ensuing all around us.

Wanna go somewhere else? He asks. I know he’s trying to distract me from the obvious problem sitting atop his knuckles, but I’m onto him. Better yet, I have an idea.

Answering with, Yeah, I’m the one tugging him around, looking aimlessly at stores until I find the one I wanted— a convenience store. To buy supplies to wrap his wound. Properly.

I treated injured pets at my job every day and I was going to treat him too, even if I had to knock him out to do it.