#i'm going on dialysis soon

[twobarklessdogs]

Y'all, I'm so fucking depressed.

[plaid-n-converse]

my mom's kidney function has dropped by a lot very quickly, and the doctor still hasn't said what caused it, and I'm worried its a rejection

[hwaslayer]

project: make you love me (jyh) | six.

♣︎ spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: yunho can’t stand how you’re so wrapped up in the notorious campus fuckboy, park seonghwa. he would gladly love you the way you deserve, despite being shy, awkward and the complete opposite of seonghwa. thus, when he finds himself spending more time with you over literature reviews and random study sessions, he decides to take on the challenge to win you over.

—pairing: jeong yunho x f. reader x park seonghwa

—genre: (18+ - minors dni) strangers/friends to lovers, college au | fluff, angst, smut

—word count: 3.5k

—chapter content/warnings: cussing, sweet yuyu per usual, seonghwa moment (sorry yes he's back briefly lmao), crying & some overthinking, next few chapters will prob feel like lil filler chapters while things progress between oc x yunho <33 we are almost there yall, promise!!

Yunho parks his car in the driveway, clicking the key fob to make sure his doors are locked after he grabs his things from the trunk. Entering the house, it's a lot quieter than expected— typically, he has family members or close neighbors over even if they're just there to sit in the kitchen and gossip with his aunt and mom.

When he sets his things down and walks further into the house, he realizes why it's so quiet in the house.

"Yunho! Our handsome boy!" His aunt yells from the backyard where she sits with his mom, two neighbors and their two friends. Yunho feels the heat rise to his cheeks because even though this is happens constantly— he's still not used to the praising and babying from his own family members.

"Hi." He gives them a toothless smile and waves, helping himself to a seat right next to his mom. "Miss Universe herself, how are you feeling?" His mom chuckles before playfully hitting his arm.

"I'm doing okay, my love. I missed you."

"I'm here now, right? Did your appointment go okay?" He swings his arm around her chair and focuses all of his attention on her. 

"Yeah, it went perfectly fine. I felt a bit tired and weak afterwards, but nothing some good rest and food couldn't fix." Yunho nods.

"Okay, that's good."

"How about you, tell me all about school? I think your mom is missing some details." She says with a small smirk and Yunho can't help but playfully roll his eyes.

"Didn't you wanna go to the grocery store?" He changes the subject, his aunt immediately catching on to the shift in his body language.

"Yunho has a girlfriend, I think." She says to her neighbors while smirking at him. Yunho's mom laughs it off, standing to save her son from the oncoming comments, teasing, etc etc.

"Suho." His mom says in a scolding manner, slight drip of playfulness to it. "Don't you have a list of things we need to get at the grocery store?"

"Oh shit, you're right." She says, hurrying into the kitchen for her list. Yunho laughs and bids farewell to their friends, following his mom and aunt into the kitchen. His mom grabs the list from her sister, asking if she needs anything else or if she wants food from anywhere before they return. She simply says no and says she'll be heading out with her friends soon— that the both of them should just enjoy shopping and eating wherever they'd like.

And so with that, Yunho carefully helps his mom get settled before hopping into the driver's seat. His music is softly playing in the background, while his mom continues to tell him about how her appointments have been and the people she's encountered. He starts to laugh when she mentions one of the technicians at the dialysis center, and how she's bragged about him to her countless times.

"Okay mom, I appreciate it but you don't have to play cupid." He smiles at her before shifting his attention back to the road.

"I know, but sometimes I worry about you." She gently squeezes his bicep. "I can't help it because I'm your mom. You do a great job taking care of everyone else, sometimes I just want someone to help take care of you."

"I'll be okay."

"I know, I know." She lets out a breath before toothlessly smiling at him. "But, you get where I'm coming from."

"I think so."

"What about your friend?"

"What friend?"

"From school? The one you talked about, you know? Helping with her assignments."

"Oh, right." Yunho chuckles. "What about her?"

"Well, what's her name?"

"You're gonna look for her on Facebook."

"I am not." She playfully hits him, making him laugh. 

"Her name is Y/N."

"Beautiful name. I'm sure she's very pretty." Yunho shrugs.

"Y-yeah she is. But, we're really just friends. We click pretty easily. Surprisingly."

"What do you mean surprisingly? You're the sweetest and the friendliest boy I know. And I'm not saying that because I'm your mother."

"You're definitely saying that because you're my mother." He laughs.

"Why don't you see where it goes?"

"I never said I wouldn't." He laughs a bit. "I'm also not going to force anything."

"That's fair. She seems to be a good friend, though."

"She is. She's sweet."

♣︎ FLASHBACK

"Yunho!" You happily head down the steps when you see him standing there, patiently waiting for you. He has his hands dug deep into his pockets, hood on his head. A small, tiny smile tugs at the corner of his lips when you finally come face to face and stand in front of his towering figure. "Hey you." You gently poke at his arm.

"What's up?" He starts to lead the way with slow, steady steps— walking down his usual path around the complex. 

"Kinda just wanted to take a quick walk." 

"Feeling okay?"

"Yeah. Just tired."

"You're telling me. How's practice been?"

"Practice is practice. It's fun to be doing it with friends though." He nods, silently walking alongside of you. "How's Yeosang?" He chuckles.

"Yeosang is Yeosang. Currently still yelling at his screen."

"You guys should game together."

"We do when he decides to play Valorant, but he's more into League." He scratches at his temple. "I must sound very attractive right now." You laugh a bit.

"That sounds very fun. You'll have to teach me one day."

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah, why not. I'd probably have to play on a dummy account or something so I don't ruin your level." You tilt your head in confusion. "Ranks? Whatever they're called." He smiles.

"Fair." You laugh.

"Wow, so you don't believe in my abilities, huh?"

"You said it first."

"Yunho." You whine, making him laugh a little loudly this time.

"I'm kidding. I believe in you. It's really not that bad." You smile, but it quickly fades when you almost bump into Yunho just as he suddenly stops in his tracks. "Look." He looks down at you, then points upwards. "The moon." You stand beside him and look up at the moon. 

"It's beautiful."

"Hm, yeah." He snaps a photo. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stop."

"No, please. I like seeing these parts of you." He smiles.

"Yeah?" You nod. "You don't think it's odd?"

"I could never think that way about you, Yunho." You playfully tap his arm. "Seriously. It's nice to see someone appreciate the moon."

"Someone has to." You giggle as you both continue to slowly walk alongside each other, arm brushing against one another. 

♣︎ END

"Please don't forget to bring her by one day. I'd still like to meet her."

"Meet her?"

"You've been happier lately, and that's all I could ask for. She sounds lovely."

"Okay." Yunho nods and smiles at her just as he pulls into the lot of the market. 

Yunho patiently goes around with his mom, placing every item she needs into the cart while she points out what's needed. They spend a good 45 minutes, close to an hour, just taking their time buying what's needed and other necessities. Afterwards, Yunho takes his mom to her favorite Chinese restaurant. They spend time talking about all things school-related and what his plans might be for the near future. 

And Yunho loves being home, don't get him wrong. He'd always spend time with his family over anything. But, he couldn't help but think of you— especially after his mom brought you up.

He hopes you're okay. Maybe he'll check on you tonight.

Tonight, you wrap up your homework and waddle over to the couch— joining Seungmin and Chaery in the living room while they watch their show. Soobin is cooking himself some dinner since he just got back not too long ago from the library.

"Any of you guys want some ramen before I shut this off?"

"Nope!" Seungmin yells loudly even though he's just in the living room.

"Same. Thanks Soobinnie." Chaery says in a sing-song tone. You simply look at Soobin with a small smile, shaking your head before returning your attention to your phone. A text comes in and you're [slightly] surprised at who it is— but, you definitely can't say that it doesn't put a smile on your face.

yunho: take a look at the moon if you haven't yet.

But, your smile instantly fades when you can't respond right away. A call cuts through on your screen, and it's probably the last person you want to speak to right now— even though you know you need to.

"Hello?" You answer nonchalantly, not in the mood to speak to Seonghwa.

"Hey. Are you free right now?" You sigh and look at the clock. 10pm.

"Yeah, I am."

"Can you come down? I'm here in my car."

"For what, Seonghwa?" You hear him sigh heavily on the other line before speaking up again.

"I just want to talk. We haven't talked in days and I'm trying to figure out what's going on between us." 

"Seonghwa—"

"Y/N, please. That's all I'm asking for." He says in a serious tone. You roll your eyes and purse your lips together, pausing for a moment before responding.

"Fine. I'll be down in a few."

"Alright." And with that, you end the call— sliding your phone into the pocket of your sweats before forcing yourself off of the couch to grab the nearest jacket.

"My jacket?" Soobin watches as you snatch his jacket off of the dining table chair.

"I just need it for a second. Please?" You pout and he nods.

"Where are you going?" Chaery asks while her and Seungmin continue to watch their show, her eyes fixed on the TV.

"Seonghwa wants to talk."

"Oh, jeez." She says. "Goodluck with that, hun. Call if you need anything."

"Yup!" You slip into your crocs, dragging your feet down the steps and to Seonghwa's car. He's parked by the curb, windows slightly rolled down so you're able to catch a peek of him. He's staring down at the phone near his lap, the light illuminating his face. He texts away even as you approach the door, but chucks it into his middle console after he's sent whatever he needed to send. You plop onto the passenger's seat and avoid eye contact, crossing your arms as you look straight ahead at the car in front of his.

"Hi to you, too." He furrows his brows a bit. 

"So, what is it Seonghwa?" You finally turn to him and let out a barely audible sigh.

"Baby, come on." Seonghwa clicks his teeth and pouts a bit. He slips his hand on your thigh and lets it rest there. "I said I was sorry. I know I fucked up majorly, but something just came up and—"

"Something came up? Something always comes up for you. You couldn't even take one second to text me or let me know? It doesn't take much."

"I know, I thought I was going to be able to make it in time."

"Right. I've heard that before."

"I'm sorry." He repeats.

"Heard that before too." You shake your head. "Seonghwa, I think we should just stop doing this, okay? Clearly, you have better things to worry about and I'm just tired."

"W-what?" He looks at you, really looks at you. Almost in disbelief. Probably disbelief. "Baby, I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna lose you."

"It doesn't matter if you do, you always have someone to fall back onto." You shoot back, and he's silent. Of course he is. "I thought so."

"No, you're not giving me time to get my thoughts together." He panics. "Y/N, baby. Please. Hear me out. I don't wanna lose you. I really don't. I know I fucked up time and time again, but I'll do better. It's always been you and—"

"You're only worried about losing the idea of me, someone who will be there as your safety blanket when other shit doesn't pull through for you. You aren't actually worried about me, and you know I'm right." He scoffs and shakes his head, but he doesn't say anything, no. He can't say anything because he knows it's true. He quickly deflects and brings up the one thing that has been running his last nerve lately:

"Why don't you just say that it's Yunho?"

"This has nothing to do with Yunho, Seonghwa! I'm so tired. It's been months of this back and forth bullshit, don't you get it? It's so clear what this means to you, and I don't wanna stick around, waiting for somebody that doesn't even care about me."

"Don't say that I don't care—"

"You don't!" Your tone raises a bit, and this is when it settles that Seonghwa isn't good for you. He will never be good for you, good to you. He will never change, and you will never find an ounce of pure, genuine happiness being stuck here. "You really don't. You can't claim that when I've caught you multiple times doing shit behind my back, let alone left my ass in the cold like I was easily disposable. Multiple times." Tears are pricking your bottom lids and you're not sure if it's because of everything you've been through or if it's because you feel bad for yourself— for settling, for letting him walk over you. You are aware that, however this ends, you'll need to take a moment and say your peace to it. "I'm so done with it, Hwa. I don't need this."

"Wait, Y/N. Please." He says, hand giving your thigh a gentle squeeze so you don't up and leave right away. 

"No. We're just going to go in circles and repeat the cycle. This is done—"

"How can I fix this?" You furrow your brows and shake your head, letting out a scoff.

"You really have to ask? If you really wanted to know, you would've asked that question a long time ago." You remove his hand from your thigh.

"So, that's it?" He asks because he doesn't know how else to respond without sounding even more pathetic. "Y/N." Hwa panics again when he sees you swing the door open, stepping out without saying another word to him. Though, he couldn't really tell you why he panicked— perhaps, yeah, it's the thought of losing you, but mainly his image. How he'd look if people ever found out that you left him first. 

And you know this already.

In plain words, he's just worried about losing another girl on his list. Especially the one that was always there for him, the one that rarely gave him issues. Didn't get strung up too quickly, didn't really press him for shit over the months.

Damn.

Even though you said it had nothing to do with him, Seonghwa still thinks Yunho played a part in it. And that's fucking annoying.

"Y/N!" You hear him call for you again, even after you've slammed his door and stormed off to your apartment. You feel the tears pricking your lids again, and you're doing your best to hold it in. But eventually, the tears stream down your cheeks; one by one.

This is you saying your peace.

Then, you'll move on. As you should.

"Baby is back!" Chaery cheers but her smile instantly fades when she sees you wiping away at your face. "Aw no, baby. What happened?" You shrug as she comes to you and pulls you into her arms.

"I just ended it with Seonghwa."

"Oh shit, good for you! Finally!" Seungmin is still sitting on the floor, so he flicks her on the leg. "Ow! The heck?"

"What she means to say is that everything's gonna be okay, and that it's okay to cry if you need to." He looks at her and she follows with a slow nod.

"Yes, absolutely." You wipe the remaining stragglers and shake it off, returning Soobin's jacket to the dining chair.

"It's fine, I'll be okay. I needed to do that." You look at them with a reassuring expression. "It's just time to move past this." Chaery rubs your back.

"Do you need anything?" You shake your head. 

"No, but I'm going to head into the room and just chill for the night."

"Okay." Chaery gives you a small smile.

"Get some rest." Soobin adds.

"I will." You head off to the bathroom to wash up and get ready for bed. It's still early but you don't think you'll be sleeping anytime soon with the thoughts that are currently bombarding your head. It does suck to finally part from something that no longer serves you, but you know it's for the best.

You were done.

Suddenly, you remember Seonghwa bringing up Yunho and it begins to irritate you. How dare he? He knows nothing about Yunho, and you hate how he's the first one he tries to blame. Shame that he's grown but can't take full responsibility for his actions. Until this day, Seonghwa has yet to fully acknowledge everything he's done.

He still finds a way to beat around the bush, implying that he did no wrong.

You shut off the lights and lay in bed with the mood lamp on, picking up your phone to finally respond to people. You sent your mom and sister a quick text before switching to Yunho's thread— realizing you still haven't responded to his last text.

you: ugh, that picture is perfect. the moon is sooo pretty tonight. 🥺

you: sorry for the late response, kinda got wrapped up with something super last min. how's your weekend going?

yunho: why the sad face? 😣

you: it'd be nice if we could go on a walk and look at the moon together.

yunho: aw yeah, that does sound nice. but, i hope the picture at least put a smile on your face.

yunho: & you don't have to apologize. but, it's been nice being at home and catching up with my family. what about you? everything okay?

you: i don't know? it's okay, i guess. just kinda tired.

yunho: you sure that's it?

you: no. 😕 but, it's nothing really.

yunho: calling you in a few, is that okay?

you: more than okay!

You continue to scroll through your phone for a couple of more minutes before Yunho's name lights up on the screen. A small smile pulls at your lips just as you pick up the call, Yunho rustling around in the background.

"Hi." You hear a bit more rustling before Yunho is letting out a [content] sigh.

"Hey, sorry. Just got in bed."

"That's okay." You chuckle. "I'm also lying down and just being lazy."

"Good, you should just rest." Yunho clears his throat. "You okay?"

"Mm, I don't know. I guess."

"What's going on?"

"I ended things with Seonghwa tonight." He remains silent for a bit before he responds with a—

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Again, just moving on." You chuckle a bit. "I did cry a teensy weensy bit, but I needed to let it out in order to let it go."

"Yeah, totally understandable. You sure you're okay? It's okay if you aren't."

"I am okay. It does suck though, we argued and then I just—" You pause. "I don't know. I guess I realized how this wasn't good for me. Everything came crashing down and I was so over it."

"Mhm." He softly answers, letting you continue on.

"I don't wanna keep being like that, you know? I don't say much, but I always feel anxious and stressed. I always end up thinking about what Seonghwa will do to hurt me next. That sounds so bad, but it's the best way to put it." You sigh. "It's just not good."

"I'm sorry, Y/N. It's not. But, it's okay if you aren't okay right now. Take your time."

"Thanks Yunho. Seriously. I'll be good." You let out a small, breathy laugh. "Just a moment of weakness."

"Not weakness." There's a small pause as you let Yunho's response sink.

"Hey, by the way. We're doing a scary movie night thing at our apartment soon. Do you wanna come over and join us?"

"Hm." He hums, thinking about whether or not he should just do it. 

"Come on, it'll be fun."

"Fun for you because I'm sure I'll end up as your punching bag when things get too scary." You chuckle.

"No, not even! Seriously. We'll have lots of food."

"What movie are you planning to put on?"

"Would that be a dealbreaker?" You tease.

"Maybe." He plays along.

"I truly have no idea yet."

"Alright then." He laughs. "Yeah, I'll join." You gasp.

"Really?"

"Yeah." He reiterates.

"Aw, yay! I hope you didn't feel pressured or obligated." Yunho sits on his response for a bit; no, he doesn't feel that way. It might be new hanging out with you and your friends, but he was looking forward to just being in your company.

"Never that." 

"I'll text you all the details later." You yawn.

"Sleepy?"

"Kinda. Just exhausted."

"I can go if you—"

"Stay. You're good. Even though I might fall asleep soon." You giggle.

"That's fine." Yunho answers. The two of you continue to talk a bit about how home has been for Yunho and what you had been up to over the weekend. After the cute giggles and playful teasing, there's a nice, comforting silence that falls between you two. Yunho almost believes you've fallen asleep until you sleepily break the silence by calling his name.

"Yunho?" There you go, calling his name like you always do. It's becoming a weakness for him.

"Hm?"

"Thanks for always showing me the moon."

"Course." He matches your tone, and responds close to a whisper. Another silence settles in, but Yunho is positive you've fallen asleep due to the very small and soft snores he hears on the other line. He chuckles to himself before setting his phone aside, keeping the call connected on speaker in case anything went wrong.

He'd be there.

♣︎ taglist: @s-nsanshine @soupbinlily @tyongff-ff @jiminiscricket @g1g1l @staytinyinmybpack @woomyteez @gfksz @bitchwhytho @savluvsmingi @thisisntmyrightera @hyukssunflower @miriamxsworld @tmtxtf @kuromibabe04 @lmnhead @carrietwrites @tournesol155 @persphonesorchid @txt-yaomi @marsattacks @mxnsxngie @h-nji @mundayoonimnida @jalapeno-princess @nakiiko @asjkdk @kunikku @idkwgoh @kyeos4ng @agust-d2 [bold = can’t tag 😭]

[sirfrogsworth]

Actually, I might have too many reasons.

I'm afraid it has been a really difficult few years for me and my family.

Our beloved corgi, Otis, developed a terrible condition (degenerative myelopathy) that made him lose the function of his back legs. Once his quality of life diminished passed the point where he could no longer experience joy as a dog and only had hardship and suffering to look forward to, we had to put him to sleep.

In February, despite taking painstaking measures to stay safe, my entire family contracted COVID and I also developed a kidney stone at the same time. Unfortunately, my mother was on medication that made her immune system pretty much useless. She died a horribly lonely death in the ICU. The last time I got to speak to her was over the telephone, with a nurse holding the phone up to her face. She was confused and scared and could not breathe despite being on two different breathing aids. All she could do was ask if my dad and I were okay. She was more worried about us than herself. Then they had to put her mask back on and she kept trying to talk even though I couldn't understand her. All I could hear was the fear in her voice. I tried to tell her how much I loved her one last time, but I have no idea if she could hear me.

She lost consciousness soon after and never woke up. Eventually her heart gave up and she passed. I only got to see her once briefly through a glass door. Her body was still alive, but she was already gone at that point. Just an unconscious vessel attached to machines.

My father has kidney failure and heart failure. He is being kept alive by dialysis 3 times per week. He hates going and it wipes him out every time. We hope he has a year or two left, but it's impossible to know for sure.

I am his caretaker even though I am also disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Narcolepsy. I do my best to make sure his needs are met. My brother has been almost no help at all. A few friends and my aunt come by every once in a while to help with chores, but it's pretty much just me alone taking care of the both of us.

I have no idea where I am going to live if my dad passes away. I have no plan. I have no energy to make a plan. And that fear makes it hard to sleep many nights.

Then I was having these horrible stomach issues and lost nearly 30 pounds (in a bad way). The discomfort got so bad at one point I became suicidal. My dad feared for my life and so he called the police and EMTs. They admitted me into the hospital. After 2 days in the ER, being stuck in a small room because they had no other place to put me during COVID, I was finally admitted to a psychiatric ward for observation. Weirdly my stomach issues started improving and my suicidal thoughts passed.

I'm honestly not sure if I would have taken my own life if I had not been admitted. But I will say those two days in a tiny ER room did not do much to improve my mental health. It is sad that in this country with all its resources, there is no such thing as urgent mental healthcare. They just stick you in a room and make sure you can't hurt yourself as you wait in line to get the actual help you need.

Thankfully I was able to adjust some medication I was taking and resolve my stomach issues. That seemed to relieve me of my dangerous thoughts and I have been okay in that regard ever since.

My dad had a serious infection in July that placed him in the hospital. He lost the ability to walk, his heart stopped briefly, and he started having horrible hallucinations. At one point I wasn't sure if he would ever return to reality. Nothing he said made any sense. Thankfully once they treated the infection and he got decent sleep he returned to lucidity. But he had to go through brutal rehab in order to walk again (with a walker and only short distances).

He was in hospital and rehab for over a month. After what happened to my mom, I promised myself that my dad would not be alone in the hospital. So, no matter how bad I physically felt, I pushed myself to visit him and be at his bedside every day and all day until they kicked me out. It was grueling for both of us, but I don't know if he would have recovered if I hadn't been there. Partly because I kept his spirits up, but also because I was able to get him better care as an advocate. I had to push to make sure he got the tests and medication he needed and saw the doctors that could help him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The only bright side of his hospital stay is that we rediscovered our love for St. Louis Cardinals baseball. We bonded over it and ended up watching every game. We were very sad when they were quickly eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. But it was a magical season as two fan-favorite players were playing their final season and they had amazing and emotional sendoffs. (Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina) It is my hope that my dad has at least one more baseball season left in him.

My health took a serious downturn earlier this year. It happened on the very same day that my best friend Katrina came to visit from Florida. I got so sick I could barely appreciate her presence when she was here. I had been looking forward to seeing her for a very long time and my stupid chronic illness ruined it. I was counting on that visit to give me a mental health boost.

I recovered a few weeks later, but my health has never been the same. I had to adjust to a new normal and adapt and find ways to take care of my father despite being further impaired.

I also lost my last creative outlet--writing. I enjoy researching and writing long and humorous political essays, but since my health declined further, I have not been able to write like that ever since. I'm really hoping I can regain that ability, but I'm unsure if that will happen.

One of my best friends is trans and I have many trans friends and followers and I am just really scared for them right now. The laws that are being proposed and passed are unjust and cruel. I have never witnessed such an effective campaign of hatred in my lifetime. I mean, I know there has always been hatred of the marginalized in every era of modern human existence, but this seems to go beyond just the conservative hate-mongers. It is not couched in subtext and dog whistles. It is overt and very "out loud." And I'm seeing people who claim to be progressive join in this hatred.

They are suddenly super worried about sports they never used to pay attention to. They think bathrooms are suddenly dens of danger despite trans people existing long before this concentrated hate became popular and bathrooms being perfectly safe beforehand. And now people believe that helping trans kids with proper healthcare is akin to child abuse. They think accepting trans kids is "grooming."

I see Twitter and Reddit threads filled with transphobia and it often brings me to tears to see people openly and comfortably hate the people I love so much. They hate people who have no tangible effect on their lives. People who just want to exist and be respected.

I just don't know how people can hate my friends so much without even knowing them.

Also, I'm just... really really lonely. All the time. It feels like a constant punch in the gut. I miss seeing and hugging my friends. I miss romantic companionship. And I've got a 20+ year streak of being sexually frustrated and am completely unsure how in the world to address that.

And finally, I decided to watch The Handmaid's Tale which is just full of rape and sadness. I figured I'm already horribly depressed, so a show probably isn't going to do much more damage. But it is still a tough watch.

That's the major headlines of my depression.

I'm just trying to survive and find little ways to cope. Mostly I am leaning on my support system and amazing best friends to keep me propped up and functioning.

Best I can do right now.

[z-h-i-e]

The Reality of Responding to Comments Left on Fanfiction

Or, a rebuttal to a Tumblr post I was going to comment on, then thought, why not just start a whole new post?

So I happened upon a post recently which compared not replying to comments to not holding open a door for someone.

Firstly, I want to point out, I'm in the midwest of the US of A. Even during the middle of covid, when people were very careful about touching things, we are so trained to open doors, we were still doing it. Hell, we try to hold open doors for each other when it's an automatic door.

Commenting back to comments, though. In theory, sure, very nice to do. In practice, no. That's the short answer; buckle up for the long one.

It's February of 2020. I'm already starting to suspect shit in the world is going down soon--while everyone else is watching the impeachment here like it's the next big reality TV series, I'm stocking up on canned goods, cereal, and cheese. (Yeah. Cheese. I'm from fucking Wisconsin. I had a mini fridge just for cheese. Judge me. I can take it.)

Once a month, during those 'pre-pandemic' days, I would take one long lunch hour -- I would use comp time, I'd drive out to Panera, I'd sit in the area upon which I based part of Salgant's house, and I'd answer comments. It was a happier time. I had time to do it. It was nice to go through all the interesting things people noticed or the bits they liked. Hell, I even like a good flame--keeps me warm, lets me roast a few marshmallows, and then I go fucking Feanor in Formenos on them. But I digress.

That was the last time I had a chance to do that. Because then, and sorry, forgive me if this is new information, but there was a fucking worldwide plague that occurred. And during that catastrophic world event, not all of us recovered to a point where we're back to normal yet. I don't know about the rest of you, but wondering each day if I'd ever get to hug my parents while they were still alive? Kind of stressful. See, my father has major medical issues (kidney failure and on dialysis, cancer survivor three times over, osteoporosis, diabetes, diverticulitis, and sleep apnea), and my mother has a few doozies, too (COPD, macular degeneration, also a cancer survivor, and a whole fucking messed up thing with her spine). With all the concerns of previously mentioned plague, the doctors at the time advised that no one else was to go into their house until there were viable covid vaccines. I would come over, drop off groceries and medications on their porch, close the door and call on my phone, then air hug from the street thirty feet away.

I remember all the stuff I did to try to keep my brain happy. I watched my way through 'If Google was a Person' and 'Epic Rap Battles of History', over and over. I found museums who had 360 views to pretend I was on field trips, and I found a bunch of virtual rollercoasters to 'ride' on. And I listened to Hamilton so many times if it was vinyl I'd have worn a hole through it.

I had coworkers who died from covid. People who seemed generally okay, people I would not have thought would be hit so hard by it. We lost several pets since 2020--two dogs, two cats, and a rabbit. In the case of our beloved Trotter, who went through more surgical procedures than I can recall, I would have to hand him off to a technician, then sit in the car for three or four hours, wondering if he would be okay, if he would feel better afterwards, if he would wake up after each procedure, if his already damaged heart could take another.

I had my share of medical bullshit throughout the past nearly five years. The big 'well this is bullshit' of them all is that I had a pretty good life plan going, along with 'we all going to do all the things to try to make a smol human in the 2020/2021 range' and, well, let me tell you folks, as soon as pandemic got volleyed around, that was a big nope. That nope was followed by so many additional 'did my warranty expire?' moments, but I have to say, the highlights of the instant replay real would be the intercostal muscle tear which has still not healed completely correctly, so it is physically painful to push a grocery cart around in a store for more than thirty seconds, the whole episode when my pancreas decided to stop working for a hot minute but it was covid city in the hospitals so I was sent home with meds and a 'best of luck' sort of thing, and the secondary infection when I did eventually catch covid despite so many precautions (funny enough, from my father when we finally had the first in-person Christmas again in 2022--so, while the concern was I could end up giving it to him, he ended up giving it to me).

But the most frustrating, the most enduring, has been my failing vision. When I was 8, and at a public school for the first time, they did vision screenings, and realized 'wow, this one does not see well'. Now, in theory, someone should have figured that out sooner -- I had jabbed myself in the eye no less than three times (possibly more) that I remember before the age of five from accidentally getting things too close to my face. So glasses and I have been pretty tight now for nearly four decades. But it was during the pandemic that I started to think I must have been dealing with some strain from computers or needed a new prescription or something. Words were far more difficult to read. I would sometimes stare at pages in books or on the screen and just see...nothing, really. (Kind of not helpful in my profession.)

I went years with terrible distance vision, but great vision up close. Now that had failed, too. But it wasn't just that. At least with distances, I could still generally see things. Up close--sometimes yes, sometimes no. So I kept getting tested and retested and asked questions and went to different doctors and described things--

--and finally, sometimes, you find someone who listens, and wants to figure it out, and does. And then you have an answer. But answers don't always mean solutions. And when I asked how we fix it, I got an answer, but not a solution.

The answer is, I can't.

And to the follow up, will it get worse, that answer is, maybe.

But it won't get better.

So as I'm still processing this, having days where I want to write but can't even see the words, I think about all of the stories I still don't have posted on AO3. I think of things on floppy disks--not just the hard floppy disks, fucking floppity floppy disks, where the only backup is on dot matrix printer paper--and I think about things that are handwritten, and stories on old flashdrives, and the words from the musical that got me through the pandemic play through my mind.

Why do you write like you're running out of time?

Because.

I am.

I'm not the biggest fan of mortality--I fucking write about elves, friends. Elves, and more elves, and after that, a few additional elves, just in case. I've rooted myself in Valinor, for the most part, over the last few years.

I am very aware that I am more likely than not on the downward slope of life's journey at this point. For anyone who has ever been sledding in the midwest during winter, you know you go way faster on that downward slope.

So I've got some pretty solid goals in mind. I have stories I need to finish. I've got art and other things I want to make. I have items I want transferred to a place that stands a decent chance of still being around when I'm not, or when I'm not able to do the moving of things anymore, from personal websites I have. I completed one really big accomplishment over the summer--I sat down and wrote my scientific paper on the Silmarils. I really wanted to get that written, and I'm very happy I did.

I've lost too many fandom friends over the past five years. People I'd known for decades, people I knew by their legal names, people I'd exchanged mail with and in some cases met in person.

So, I'd like to go back to the Panera days of having a sammich and one of those salads that are practically dessert because it's more than half fruit and take a few hours each month to answer comments. Trust me, there are no awards for four digit unanswered comment boxes. If there were, I'd have seen one by now. Every comment is immensely appreciated. They make me think about things, and reconsider things, and sometimes sneak in a character or two based on what someone says.

And I'm hoping that someday, maybe when I'm retired or at a point when I'm able to get down to working just one job or something, I'll be able to get back to the older comments I haven't answered yet. But right now, I've got a few other higher priorities in life.

Today was my father's 69th birthday. I suppose I could have answered a few comments today, but instead, after working a ten hour shift, I went to hang out with my dad--which is basically just us sitting and talking, but it's amazing because I spent so many sleepless nights over the past few years wondering if he and my mom would make it through the worst of the pandemic.

I regret nothing.

I hope that for now, you can take my word on the door opening. In fact, this morning when I got to work, I got the door for someone, then I noticed a moth on the ground that looked a bit dazed like it had just gotten itself out of a spider web, so I bent down and I managed to get it onto my finger so that no one stepped on it, then I walked back down to where there are plants and grass and deposited the moth (who at first wanted to crawl about on me, which I allowed for a moment before getting it safely onto a leaf) then came back up again, saw to a large cricket so that no one stepped on it either, and finally got in. Please accept for now the sharing of stories as the holding of the door the first time; I'll try to get it for you again if I can later on, when I'm on my way out--but I have some business to finish inside first.

[ayin-me-yesh]

man, the new gov is already trying to kill us

our benefit just got cut.

it wasn't even supposed to be up for review rn, but last month they apparently emailed ONLY Mhoram telling them they had until the 8th (so over Christmas and New Year when everything's shut anyway) to re-submit proof of their disability (they have kidney failure and are on dialysis....).

Mhoram saw they had an email (with no idea what it was about) right before their laptop died while we were at a clinic and forgot about it when we got home. I was never contacted at any point, and Mhoram wasn't worrying about needing to re-apply any time soon because, again, it hasn't been 2 years since the last time or even close to it.

so this week we got 1/3 of our benefit with it cancelled going forward. Mhoram only got the email about this just now when it's too late to even try calling, and I never, ever got any contact at all. there isn't even anything on my MSD account.

idk what the fuck is going to happen now. neither of us can work because Mhoram does dialysis at an unstaffed clinic because our neoliberal ass government won't pay for nurses so I also have to go with them for 20+ hours a week (not including transit time) to basically be a nurse meaning neither of us really has much time to work (on top of the fact I'm also fucking clinically depressed as hell rn).

great stuff.

Edit: oh ok. so we never got another email or any other form of contact after the one email in December period. no warning. no even letting us know our benefit's been terminated. no contacting me EVER including in December.

[cherienymphe]

girl, i need your advice, backstory is my aunt is sick on dialysis, she was hospitalized back in june and came to move in with my family after my mom said she'd take care of her. we didn't know the extent of how sick she was and because my mom works full-time, i was left with majority of the load, i literally did everything for this woman on top of dog-sitting and doing my remote job so i grew resentful and said that this woman needs professional help. so with my parents support i sat my aunt and her husband down and told them i'm not taking care of her anymore. they got angry and my aunt who couldn't walk without a walker or oxygen before suddenly stood up and took all her things and left. this was back in august.

my mom and her stopped talking which hurt my mom deeply cause she's her sister who she practically raised and hearing from her other sister that she's losing her sight made my mom worry about leaving things on bad terms so she decided to text her.

i told my mom to tell her just say "hey, how are you doing? we really need to talk, i hope all is well".

my aunt responded, "thankfully i'm alive. i've been here to talk, you're the one that decided to wait a long time, what do you want to talk about?"

my mom or i don't know what to say, like what do you think the best way to go about this is?

This is tricky. I don't believe anyone should be obligated to take care of family but I do agree it's the right thing to do in most cases. With that being said, leaving you with majority of the load wasn't fair and it's only natural you'd grow a little resentful. If it really is that bad that she'd need professional care, I feel like your aunt should've been understanding of that and your feelings. I don't think it was right for her to basically cut off contact and a relationship like that. She's the one who shut y'all out, not the other way around, so idk why she was expecting y'all to reach out so soon when she kind of made it clear she didn't want anything to do with you guys. I think I'd let it be known that y'all didn't think she wanted anything to do with y'all as per her own behavior and see where it goes from there

[thalassarche]

This is kind of long and it's me getting things out. Scroll past if you don't want to read about medical stuff, or declining health of aging parents, or failures of the medical system, or the feeling of personal failures in the face of all of this.

My mom isn't doing well.

I've been living with her for three years now, after losing my job during the pandemic. She had recently been diagnosed with end stage renal failure and needed dialysis three days a week, which really tired her out, so she needed help, and I didn't have a job. So I've been her caregiver for that time. Helping with shopping and meals and appointments and so on. August 1st, she had a stroke, primarily affecting the language centers of her brain, and making speech difficult. She seemed okay when I got up that day but by the time I did my morning routine (teeth brushing etc) she wasn't talking properly and we went to the nearest ER. Since then she's been in neuro ICU, post-stroke rehab, and a short-term care center, for therapy and recovery. Except she was fighting some terrible lower back pain that was making it very difficult for her to do her PT, then getting to the point she was bedridden.

Myself, and her brother and sister-in-law (who are our neighbors), agitated for diagnostics of what was going on with her back pain. They did an xray with "no significant findings" and prescribed oxycodone for pain management. We tried to get a CT scan or MRI or something like that for her and nothing happened, as she was transferred from rehabilitation to short-term care, and short-term care just kept up the narcotics. Well. Now she's in ICU again. CT scan, MRI, and bloodwork revealed that she has osteomyelitis of the lumbar vertebrae -- an infection in the bone/bone marrow of her lower back. There's actually an abcess there in her spine. That's what was causing the hideous pain. Osteomyelitis in the spine has a roughly 20% mortality rate. And Mom just isn't very healthy to begin with. She's a breast cancer survivor with osteoporosis as a result of her treatment. She has diabetes, with that effect on wound healing. She has the aforementioned end stage renal failure, so her kidneys don't work and her blood has to be filtered artificially three times a week. She has atherosclerosis (which may have caused the stroke) and has a stent in her heart, plus an artificial heart valve.

The doctors have said they don't like the look of the infection, and they don't feel she's a candidate for surgery to remove it, so it's going to be treated via antibiotics delivered via PICC for the next 6 weeks. But, it's sort of hanging there, that there's a solid chance she doesn't make it through this. And I just can't stop feeling as if I failed her, by not following through with the additional diagnostics, by not making myself such a pain in the ass that they did it to get me to shut up, and maybe found it sooner. Or that maybe I didn't even catch the stroke soon enough. Or who knows, maybe insurance denied the CT scan, or something like that. Just, that I'm supposed to be her caregiver, and yet, look. I don't know what I'm saying here other than just getting all of this out somewhere. But it sucks. The healthcare system sucks, insurance sucks, all of this sucks, and I just want my Mom.

[koifishart]

I want to be Your Koi Fish - Nine Tails

Warning: +18 content, criminal underworld, intercourse, strong language - and so on

Fanfiction based on: "Baki" by Itagaki Keisuke

>8<

~ TAIL NO. 4 - Brother

The first thing she saw, as soon as the Host opened his eyes, was the snow-white ceiling. She already thought that somehow it was THE CEILING she cared so much, the one in an apartment building in Japan, but she was quickly brought down to earth. Perhaps it was an apartment building, judging by the luxurious furnishings, but not THE APARTMENT. They got up surprisingly efficiently, vigorously, stretching enormously, then the Host immediately jumped to the ground floor and did a few deep push-ups. The blood began to circulate even faster in the already well-exercised body. She sensed a warm, swiftly flowing energy, while, as it turned out, after a brief glance in the mirror, the man was hurriedly preparing a simple but surprisingly nutritious breakfast. A very nice change from the last Bearer. They quickly dressed in sports outfits consisting of a tightly tucked tank top and loose shorts on a wide elastic band, tucked appropriate footwear on their feet and ran to a charming park in the vicinity of the building. An enviable condition! He ran the entire route without any problems, barely getting out of breath at the end, and he also took some difficulties, such as a bit of jumping over obstacles or ascents with a fairly high degree of inclination. Soon after, she watched him get into a luxury car to go to work downtown. The big glass building, among the other glass buildings ... Judging by the street names that flew over her again and again on the navigation of quite a large Host's phone, she was somewhere in the United States. She sighed disapprovingly, rolling her spiritual eyes. She did not think that she would make such a great trip around the world. The day in the office passed quite quickly, it was full of ringing phones, incoming e-mails, coaxing secretaries, business meetings ... In the meantime, there was a moment for lunch, as nutritious as breakfast, which made her heart living with macronutrients grow with every moment. Although it might seem otherwise, the man was able to find a golden mean in this, after all, stressful life. She sensed it, amazing inner peace, the ideal of functioning. It aroused her vigilance - why this man?

- Mr. Stewart, your brother is on the second line. - young woman said a moment before he was about to get up from the chair and take the briefcase.

- Thank you, Susan. - he replied calmly, and when she closed the door, he reached for the receiver sluggishly. - Peter?

- Marc, I'm at the hospital. - brother said bluntly, with obvious difficulty.

- What happened? - the Bearer asked, but she sensed he didn't really care about the answer.

- My kidney fell out, they put me on dialysis. - he heard in the receiver. - I am sorry to ask you to do this, but you are the only possible donor.

- I have to give you my precious, healthy organ after you did not heed my warnings?- Marc snorted mockingly. - Don't be ridiculous, you doomed yourself to it.

- We're twins...

- And what? Someone else will be there for sure. - Stewart interrupted him. - You lost the first one in an accident, ok, it happens. But I warned you that if you don't change your lifestyle, the other one will get off before you know it. You didn't listen to me. Goodbye.

The host slammed the receiver, picked up his briefcase, and left the office as if nothing had happened. Even the slightest inequality in the flow of energy, the slightest movement of conscience or human feelings. She was shocked - the man she possessed was condemning his brother to death by following his own conscience! She thought. Would she be able to make such sacrifices for her siblings? Stupid question - of course I would. She was just like that. Anyway, she had done something similar for Kaoru. She almost died during the transfusion, but made the choice to stay alive. Was Marc doing the right thing? He had every right to refuse, of course. The problem is, was it a good choice? Did he have any right to punish his brother in this way? She reached back to his memories a bit. They weren't pink. Peter was the more entertaining twin. He was partying, he was outgoing, but also more willing to take risks. In fact, she found scenes related to the previous kidney. They were talking about it in the hospital when Peter woke up from surgery. Marc warned sternly, even demanded that his brother take care of himself ... without offering the slightest help. Oh, it was about to change and that's it. He was like that. Stiff, committed, cold, calculating. It was the effect that mattered, not the feelings. He believed that if he can, then others too, they just don't feel like it, they are lazy, lazy, they prefer to play for a short time rather than live longer. He entered an empty apartment. She only noticed that he might have been almost 40, and she found no sign of any affection in his house. No sign of a wife, children, close family ... not even pictures of a mysterious beautiful woman who could keep him awake at night! Nothing !!! Neat, clean and quiet. Alone. She felt a headache, she absolutely did not want to participate in it. In fact, what else was she going to learn here, after all, she had already done what this man couldn't! Marc clicked a shiny button on the expensive coffee machine, and after a while he sat back in the armchair with a cup of thick espresso, smelling of nuts, chocolate and earth. He thought for the first time. Has she caught a moment worth taking advantage of? There was no time to waste.

She caught the first childhood memory of her brother. It looked like ... they were inseparable. In fact, it's no wonder - twins often stuck to each other. She remembered Yui showing her a picture of Yuki and Yoshi. They huddled together, not wanting to turn around for a moment. They still supported each other, as well as Razu and Ren or Hyo and Arashi. They were annoying, especially when Hanabi's mother stuffed her children with sugar to make them even more unstoppable than usual, but she loved each one of them and saw that, despite their young age, they would be ready to cut themselves off for the other. She smiled at that warm memory of her nephews, letting Marc sink into more memories of saving Peter when he got stuck in a pit that their uncle had started digging for a well in the garden; how, while playing in the playground, he was always defended by his brother and dragged into the games; he also remembered the day Peter came running crying because the girl had punched him in the face and Marc was cooling the red trail with an ice pack. There were even more of them, she continued, if only he could make a decision as soon as possible.

- "Are you sure you want to lose this man?" - she whispered in his ear. - "Can you afford to disappear from your life?"

A salty drop trickled down her pale, manicured cheek with light, fashionable stubble. Moments later, he jumped up from the couch and rushed to his luxury car, to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Fortunately, the traffic jams slowly died down, it arrived without any major problems, and soon after that, the necessary documentation was signed. She closed her eyes with him, as he did, fearing that she might not open them this time. She didn't have time to get a look, but he didn't seem to have such a memory. She had. The last time she had it all deeply up her nose, Kaoru was going to get up, not her. She was secondary. This time she was going to get up with this strange man, for his brother and her beloved husband. She was afraid that despite the great lifestyle, healthy eating ... Marc simply won't wake up after the surgery. And with him, she. If her astral body had a heart, it would most likely punch a huge hole in her ribs. Instead, she stared through the eyes of an athletic 40-year-old in the face of a masked medical anesthesiologist who spoke in a professional tone to count out loud from 10 down. At the same time, he put on a silicone mask from which she felt a fresh breath of oxygen. Her mind was confused, she felt a sense of fear, irrational terror. Or maybe quite rational? She didn't want it, but she had to. Otherwise she will not come back to him. She closed her eyes, trying to summon his smiling face, cut like a map of the world. If she was going to die, she wanted to see him last.

She woke up as if from a horrible nightmare, leaping to a sitting position and gasping for air. She felt a burning pain in her esophagus and cleared her throat solidly. A vessel filled with a steaming green drink hung in front of her nose.

- You woke up, Byakko! - she heard the gleeful voice as she swallowed hastily, sip after sip. - I already thought Marc would change their mind at the last minute.

- They survived? - she croaked. - Both?

- There were complications, it turned out your Host had a heart problem ... - he sighed, stroking her head as he saw her increasingly terrified expression. - You did it again. Nevertheless, it was close.

- Heart problem? - she whispered.

- He would have had a severe heart attack at home if you hadn't taken him to the hospital. - Inari summed up. - The drink he had drunk before leaving the house, not the first of the day, by the way, was far too strong for the level of emotion you had served him with your memories. Doctors have mastered the situation, both brothers are recovering.

- So that ...

- Yes, you almost killed him trying to help another.

[twobarklessdogs]

To be honest, I haven't been good about walks since I moved into our house over 5 years ago. Part of it was having two reactive dogs (not an excuse, I know) and part of it was just being lazy, depressed, too busy, too tired. We'd go on walks but they were far in between and were less than a mile, like just around the block, or we'd drive to a hiking trail when I felt the urge. I definitely felt guilty, and there were times my mind WANTED to but my body just wouldn't move or I thought about how overwhelming it would be. For basenjis, they did really well with hanging out in the backyard or playing around the house. They're pretty damn calm if you ask me!

Well, now that my kidney disease has progressed to the point I'm going to have to go on dialysis very soon, I've decided to get more walking in and to lose some weight (I've gained 50lbs in a year, yikes!). It started with me going on a walk with Apollo, and he was doing so well by himself, that I went longer than our usual around the block. I mapped it out and it was about a mile. I then mapped out 2 miles, and felt this was doable.

Yesterday and today, the weather has been fantastic and so we went on our walk and it's been so pleasant. Apollo is not bad at all on leash by himself. It takes us under an hour so we've been going on my lunch break. I honestly think he's over it by about a mile and a half in lmao once he realizes we're close to home, that's when he starts to pull so we have to work on that.

I really hope I keep it up, even through winter. If not for me, then for Apollo. He deserves to explore and sniff. I want to make up for not giving these walks to Kaeda during her last years too.

[shinigami-mistress]

Tomorrow morning I have another procedure on my arm in hopes I can start dialysis soon. I'm just hoping they are successful this time rather than having to go through another couple of hours of them messing with my veins only for them to have to schedule another procedure.

[sirfrogsworth]

My dad woke me up and he was sitting in the kitchen. He had a major hallucination and thought there was someone else in the house. His mind has been so clear ever since he left the rehab facility. It's possible he fell asleep in his chair and dreamed it. He sometimes wakes up from a dream and has a few moments where he doesn't realize he is awake yet. Those are usually not a big deal. But he was also slurring his speech and not making complete sense, which is concerning.

Dialysis has really been wiping him out extra this week. So it could just be that. But I really hope he doesn't have another infection of some kind. He's already been on antibiotics for an extended period of time. It would suck for him to go back on them so soon.

Mostly I am just really worried. When he was in the hospital his delirium and hallucinations got so bad he couldn't communicate at all. I was worried I had lost my dad. That his mind left us and only his body remained. I just don't want him to go back to that place again.

I'm trying to calm myself by acknowledging it was one hallucination in the middle of the night and he had dialysis and a sleeping pill. So it is probably premature to be this worried. But I think I am traumatized from that experience in the hospital and I just can't help it.

I'm going to try and do a UTI test tomorrow and maybe see if the doctor can do some kind of blood test for general infections. If there is something wrong, maybe I can catch it before it gets too serious.

I'll just have to see how his mental state is after a full night's sleep. If he is lucid in the morning that will be a huge relief.

[yeastinfectionvale]

23,8,15,18,5 for the ask game

— London anon (The numbers have a meaning good luck cracking it 🤭)

i don't even have to check the letters to see you're calling me a whore you dickhead.

23. say 3 things about someone you hate

Oh brother .......

Asshat

FUCKING DIEEEE YOU BALD HEADED FREAK

I hope your dialysis fails.

8. any reacquiring dreams?

So like I don't get dreams as soon as I go to bed it's all black. But when I do rarely get dreams it's this orange cat giving me advice, a recipe or telling me something that will happen. Or I'm my alterego, the copper inspector.

15. what do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

The smell of burning incense, some sports in the background and music playing on the radio.

18. do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

I believe in ghosts. We have a ton of ghost stories in my family.

5. what made you start your blog?

I was a Pinterest girlie and fell headfirst into bookblr in like 2015.

[nananananaratking]

Here's a story

The Jewelry store

"do you want diamonds, or cubic zirconia." The guy in the suit and fresh clean hair looks down on me. I try to fix my hair and I take off my gloves. I'm hoping he cannot see the lose threads and the layer of grease on my brow. I need to visit the thrift shop after this incounter. "I was wondering if you are hiring. "My name is Alison. I got a resume here" (it has wrinkled in the rain.) "I can work weekends and all hours" I know he isn't interested. It's not like I purposely dressed poor to go job searching. My clothes are only a week old from the second hand store. But like my entire personality, Everywhere I show up I am embarrassing. I should of put makeup on. I should of got a haircut. I didn't think. I thought I looked nice enough to walk into the jewelry shop. I just hope im standing right and speaking with respect to the man behind the counter. "my manager is not in right now but I'll take your resume." The situation has ended.

I walk across towards the end of the mall. The mixture of people contain children and old folks, some homeless and security guards. I smile at the security guards so they know I'm not a thief. I walk outside. Its not raining anymore, there is a double rainbow. I want to follow it. I want to find enough gold for my family. But nothing is that simple. There would be no gold. Just ruined sneakers from climbing mountains. I cannot afford to ruin my sneakers. Time to catch the bus. I barely make it in time but I cannot hitchhike today. Not enough energy.

I have arrived at home. Taken a shower and placed myself in a satin nighty. I have washed my face and brushed my hair. I feel happy. My husband is walking the dog. My cat (Diana) is curled in my lap. I have fed the fish and refilled the bird feeders. I begin to read a book my mother recommended last week. I don't necessarily care for the book but I intend to make her happy. Shes been in the hospital for 6 months (dialysis). I start to dose off.

"Woof woof" Hank licks my face. I can almost feel a border collie hair ball fall on me. So fluffy and warm he curls into my lap scaring Diana away. "I love and missed you so much" warm words trail off from Silvester. Its hard to focus when I'm fast asleep. I feel blankets being toppled onto me with little snuggles in between. I have been absolutely useless today and here I am being coddled by my family.

I move over the coffee cups on the messy bedside table too look at the clock. Its 3:37 am and I have heard a knock. I wonder if my mother has been released unexpectedly or if a neighbor is upset with me. I open the door, to my surprise it's the man from the jewelry store. My first thought is he thinks I stole something. I begin to get my story straight and align my sentences when he tells me with the biggest smile on his face that he has a surprise. "Okay what is it" I am extremely excited. My first thought is 'wow I've actually been hired' he must need me for this mornings shift. "I found a hole behind the jewelry shop, it's sparkly. And i think you might want to go look at it with me. Wouldn't that be fun." The out of his mind man waves jazz hands at me but he doesn't seem intoxicated. "Um okay" glowing portal, sparkles I'm not one to be skeptical of the situation. But it is a bizzare house visit at 3:37 am.

I get dressed and I kiss my husband. Give him a big squeeze. "I'm off on an adventure I will be home soon I love you." I hardly ask permission as he barely moves grumbles and goes back to sleep. I sit in the man's car, questions begin flowing in my brain. "What is your name?" "Darrel, I remember your name being Alison. Okay I know this is strange but I find you trustworthy. So please entertain this whole sparkly gate thing just for the car ride." Darrel does the jazz hands when he mentions the sparkles again. And I begin to wonder if he was also watching a jazz performance tonight when he imagined a sparkly portal. But I have never been to skeptical of magic and very few and far between have called me trustworthy. The car ride is about 12 minutes long and does not give much time for more questions. Other than quick discussion of current events and, a tiny bit of road rage at the two red lights along the way. We have arrived at the mall. It is 3:58 am.

Luckily instead of the security guards wondering the next morning why Darrel took a strange woman through the mall at 4 am, we go through the back door that leads right into the jewelry shop. "Come with me and then you'll believe me" Darrel is ecstatic and I follow him. He moves a few boxes. I can only imagine have thousands of dollars worth of jewelry inside. Low and behold there is indeed a sparkly hole in the wall. I can see why he said sparkly and not glowing because its not glowing. It is like diamonds gleaming out of the wall like a mine. It's not neon at all or producing any light other then when Darrel shines his flashlight on it. "Is it a mine?" I am completely in shock. The shop could be very rich. And I'm trusted with the information. "No it isn't, it's magic" Darrel seems to use Jazz hands a lot. "Here touch it" he grabs me and drags me over rather forcefully but with excitement and not aggression. "Okay, okay ill touch it" I laugh I need to be a tad skeptical to protect my integrity at this point. I touch the sparkles and my hand goes straight through them. "Just like the movies" I am astonished. "Lets climb through" Darrel jumps up with joy. "Are you sure." Now I'm worried. "It could be dangerous" I step back from Darrel, a tad bit rude. "We should throw something through it attached to a string" Darrel grabs a diamond (with no band) from the back. I'm not sure how much money he's going to risk on it but I do not ask. He attaches the diamond to a box cord with a splotch of ring glue and throws it through the sparkles.

Darrel pulls the diamond back. "I was right" I am extremely disappointed to see the diamond is now crushed into what someone can only call a marble. "So it's not safe" Darrel begins to cry. "Hold on the Cord was fine and our hands are fine something is up." I try to put the puzzle pieces together. "Do you have anything back here that is not a mineral or rock." "There's minerals in our hands and this cord" Darrel points out. "anything cheap to test." I just now realize how expensive that diamond was. "We should test the cubic zirconia. He is way ahead of me in clues and i begin to yawn.

Darrel pulls out a cubic zirconia in a silver band and splotches glue onto the cord. He tosses the ring through the gateway. He pulls back a perfect ring. I feel relieved no more money is damaged. "Lets go through" jazz hands return, I am not so convinced. I gester him to go first. "Wait remove your diamonds" I begin to chuckle and take off my blue agate wedding ring in a brass band just incase. Its lovely but what we could afford. He removes about 3 rings 2 bracelets and a necklace. I try not to envy but damn.

He walks through then I follow and what we see is astounding. Its the most beautiful site you could ever see. Its so bright in front of our eyes, is a diamond lake. Darrel walks onto it. Hes fine but oh my god why would he attempt. Its solid and he gestures me to join him. I follow him I am a Poor woman Id be stupid not to try my luck. I put my hands on the diamonds to try to remove some but it is frozen solid.

"Lets keep going" Darrel is more determined than I am. It is early and I wish I was home with Silvester. I do not think Darrel fancies me or my gender. So I do not worry about the journey as a betrayal. We have walked for 10 whole minutes. It must be almost 5 now. From the discussions in the shop. The experiments and journey. We must have killed 35-45 minutes time. At the end of the lake, there is a grass hill. Grass is odd in a diamond world. "We gotta test it Darrel" I pull him back with all my might so he doesn't get hurt. "Test with what. Diamonds crush diamonds in our world what would grass do." Darrel is upset.

"Throw your keys or something" I try to regain control of the situation for the safety of the both of us. "My keys have a diamond in each of them, I left them at the shop. You throw something." My new friend is thoroughly annoyed at me at this point. I should be able to trust grass but I just cant risk it.

I throw my keys onto the grass. Nothing happens. "Do you have anything else" Darrel has come around to see my point of view of the situation. "I have my wallet." I wasnt super excited to throw away my money and my family photos and and my grandpas wallet. But I needed to know. I throw my wallet and the grass is still safe. Up ahead a bird flies.

"Look at that bird" I point up at a weird dove. He has four wings. I do not think we are on earth anymore.

We step onto the grass. We are okay we see a lot more birds. All very beautiful. None with more or less than four wings. Suddenly something crawls across my feet. I look down its an opossum. At this point I'm weirded out and amazed i reach down and grab the possum. "What are you doing?" Darrel is confused at my actions. "Look 6 paws, why?" Darrel looks around for any hints or clues "is there a sun here" he rubs his chin. "I dont see one but its sunny" just as perplexed I mirror his hand-to-chin action. "Lets keep going" he needs answers. By this point I want to return home.

The grass was long. We saw lots of creatures with unusual number of limbs. But we had finally reached the end of the grass. At the end of the grass their was a mountain. "No more test we are climbing it" Darrel is tired and sweating, yet still determined. "Okay I trust you" remember Darrel finding myself trustworthy I decide to put some faith forward.

We begin the journey up a seemingly normal rocky mountain. It isn't extremely high more like a big hill. "We should of brought water" Darrel isn't jazzing no more but still eager. We couldn't possibly complain about the once in a life time journey. Other than it's early in the morning. We weren't going to be rich off the diamonds, and we haven't got any answers.

We climb for about 40 minutes. I begin to wonder if Silvester has woken up to take hank outside. I wonder if he is prepared for his carpenter test. I wonder if he is still in bed to get ten more minutes. We reach a cave.

This must be it. Darrel gasp for air. "Well let's do this" I need answers at this point. We begin walking through the cave. It has fire torches along the walls already lit. You'd expect cave paintings, but there isn't any. You'd expect wildlife. But just a few 4 winged birds and 6 legged chipmunks. I did see a two tailed lizard at the entrance, but other than a few creatures the cave seems pretty empty.

"Maybe this ends in the best hotsprings ever" Darrel laughs. But it ends at a door. "This is man made" I feel along the creaky wood. "A possum could not make this" I giggle and Darrel gives me a hug. I don't understand why he hugged me but It could be one of two things. The journey we've been on has made us close friends, or we might be running into answers at this very moment. "Should we knock". I feel a ton of hope at this moment. We knock. An average clean shaven man, with dark blue eyes, and wavy red hair. Answers the door. "Hello come in, come in" He seems unfazed.

"Where are we" Darrel asks first. "In Trasirda, my home, I'm the only one who lives in this land. And it ends at my house. I don't know how my paradise bled into your world, or how anyone would of found me. You see I won a lottery on my home planet Daxel in Galaxy 497s. My prize was a land I wanted. I chose all the creatures from Daxel, but none of the people. A garden as long as the eye can see. If you had walked the width, you would of never found me. A cave to live in, and read as many tall tales from every single planet. A lake of solid diamond and a mountain to pirch on. Look at this" the man had given us a few answers and pulled out a book. "I can turn this book into anything ive ever wanted to read from any world." The man showed us a few different books, Narnia from our land, Blobstock from his. A few others. Quite fascinating the hermit was. "Well you've traveled this long and I have won the lottery. Please take a couple diamonds on your way out but do not tell anyone about this. Or I'll be flooded with visitors. "The diamond's are frozen" Darrel raised his hand as if he had just been schooled. "Not on the way back" the gingered man began to laugh hysterically as we waved goodbye running down the hill.

Eagerly chasing the diamonds.

We got back to the lake in an hour and a halfs time. And the man was right the diamonds were free for the taking. We shuffled a few handfuls into our pockets as we walked toward the exit. "We're rich, we're rich" Darrel and I sang boasting until we got to the hole to our land. We walked through the portal. Our diamonds still intact. But the gateway had closed behind us. Darrel pushed and pushed trying to make the gate reopen. I put my hand on his shoulder. "All is done, the mans at peace and so are we. Nothing could be worse then if we turn this into greed." I tried reassuring that we had taken enough and had an amazing journey on its own.

It was time to go home. It was 8:12 am and i needed to fill Silvester in on what had happened. Tell him we'd be rich. When I had arrived home he was still asleep in our bed. Hank had definitely gone for a walk tho because there was no puddles and Diana had been fed. The fish were my job. Silvester had about 45 minutes to get to his carpenter exam. My mum had left me 3 voicemails. She had informed me she was doing very well and wanted to hear how i was enjoying the book. I see the morning bird's at the feeders each with two wings (which is a relief) I sat in silence for about ten minutes. Knowing I was about to inform the whole family, that the poverty was over.

[the-firebird69]

Watch "U2 - Where The Streets Have No Name (Official Music Video)" on YouTube

Jumping down there until those people to get out and most would not move and they're all dead and he sees what he's saying they don't want to say anyone we don't listen to anyone and the oxygen went down there and it polished off practically everybody this is probably a 90% of them are gone pretty soon and they went around today and they still are with the ambulances this probably 10,000 answering calls and each and every call they can't seem to do anything they try blood thinners and it makes it worse they try to hydrate and they blow up like a balloon they try reducing the oxygen and they die from disease really you almost have to use dialysis and we see them doing that with some people it seems to work but you people are way behind and you're just going after to grab anybody and it's a disaster and it's starting here at 4:30 it begins the ambulances are driving around I'm pretty soon you're all going to be a wreck

Thor Freya

Well he's used to oxygen going up to 24 but not 27 but still he hits it every day and all day and all night but he's not used to this much exposure so he's going to reduce the fan

Olympus

[jotatetsuken]

Yellow (Jotaro Kujo x Reader)

Summary: You find out that someone who's the closest to you in your family passed away and look to Jotaro, someone who's not really good at coping, to help you cope.

Content Warnings: Reader is a Stand User, Fluff with angst, the reader has a death in the family, mentions of sicknesses and autoimmune diseases. Mentions of broken homes, PTSD, as a headcanon. Oh, and also, some people are alive in this AU. Please let me know if I’ve missed any more warnings…if it’s too dark for you, please skip #shyna angst

Writing prompt: “When you smile, it's infectious.” from @creativepromptsforwriting ^_^ @creativepromptfills

Number of words: 2250

Note: This is a story that I'm writing to help me cope with the fact that my elder sister passed away on Saturday after a battle with an autoimmune disease. Like all of you, she was an artist as well and will probably share her artwork sometime soon, but y'all can check out her work here. I miss her, but I know that she's free from pain, and this is one of the ways that I feel would help me cope. So, dearest elder sister, I miss you, and we shall meet again, someday. I thus urge you to read this even if this is not your fandom, as this is a tribute in a way to my sister. For this story, I specifically chose Jotaro for this is 'cause I'd been watching JJBA clips on repeat, his clips especially and they've been able to calm me down. The storyline is of my creation, but the characters of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure belong to Hirohiko Araki. Reblogs, likes, and comments are highly appreciated, but no copying or reposting.

Tagging: @saltyvanilla @akaashi-todorki @pencilpoked-heart @tiddieluvr @quirrrky @kagejima @ofallthingswhythis @discordkittenjoestar @i4sgwr

(finding a JoJo mutual is very very rare)

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Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones Turn into something beautiful You know, you know I love you so You know I love you so

┕━━━━━━━━━✿━━━━━━━━┙

With your eyes closed, your ears on alert for news, and your quivering lips chanting numerous verses to call for peace within, you'd joined your hands in a prayer posture and kept breathing deep breaths to calm yourself down as you felt your body trembling, with fear and nervousness. Your sister had been one of your closest friends growing up. Regardless of the age difference, she’d been one of the biggest supporters of your dreams when everyone was apprehensive of you achieving them. Years ago, however, you learned that she was to undergo an ongoing battle with an autoimmune sickness that kept attacking her body from within for no reason.

Over the year, you'd see her once healthy body begin to deteriorate as she would writhe in a lot of pain. She would refuse to eat anything, and you would see her lose hope in finding the cure for it all, feeling unnecessarily guilty that she was hurting others just by simply existing and in deep pain. Nevertheless, you had seen her persevere and do great things. As an artist, she channeled all her feelings into art, making some of the best and most poignant artworks ever known. As a businesswoman, she started her own company while being bedridden. As a sister, you strived to never leave her side as she was going through this, despite her screaming at you. As a daughter, she felt guilty about letting her parents down with her sickness. But, you were aware of her fighting spirit and hoped that one day, she'd open her eyes, and come home.

You and your sister had various wonderful memories together, which were all coming to a standstill when she became disoriented and unresponsive on two occasions, causing you and your family to be extremely worried for her. When she was taken to the hospital, you were not able to shut your eyes to sleep as you were riddled with concern. The last thing you heard was that the infection spread internally and she was on the ventilator and the dialysis machine. Eventually, her heart had stopped beating. You were told that the doctors gave her CPR for 45 minutes.

In the meantime when you were on your knees, praying for a second chance at life for her, your phone rang. It read: Noriaki Kakyoin. Both of you, along with Jotaro Kujo were friends from high school. You also had traveled to Egypt along with the two of them to help find the cure for Jotaro's mum's sickness. Like Jotaro, you'd developed your Stand, Dangerous Woman, quite recently, creating a sense of relatability with Jotaro. While Kakyoin survived by the skin of his teeth, recovering from major injuries, Jotaro was in a bad shape mentally, causing him to have nightmares, panic attacks, and severe migraines as a result.

Throughout the trip, you were able to bond with Kakyoin, him being kind and gentlemanly, however, with Jotaro, you'd always been at loggerheads, arguing over the minute details. However, when DIO gravely injured you, putting you at risk, that's when he realized that you were important to him and he didn't want to lose you. So, he tried his hardest to protect you and Kakyoin from DIO, even being willing to sacrifice himself. After coming back from the trip, he, Kakyoin, and Holly met up with your family. The two boys were amazed at your sister's welcoming nature and they then decided to help you take care of her with all their might when they learned of her diagnosis.

This is when you realized that you'd slowly started developing feelings for Jotaro, but life was going to take both of you on different paths. Jotaro moved to America to study marine biology, Kakyoin decided to major in game theory, where you were living, and you were in the same university majoring in sound engineering. While you stayed in touch with Jotaro, you were scared of losing him per se, oblivious to Kakyoin's observations. To earn extra income, Kakyoin decided to work part-time in a hospital. The hospital where your sister was at. He saw the latest events unfurling right in front of him, especially when he noticed a flatline on the heart monitor. He then decided to call Jotaro and put you on a conference call with them. The news that Kakyoin had to share, was very gut-wrenching.

“Hello, (Y/N)?” He inquired. With your body trembling, you were amazed as to how you could pick up the phone. You then replied, "Yes, Kakyoin. tell me?" He began to stammer in fear, saying, "Your sister, she, she passed away just now. They kept on doing the CPR for..." You weren't able to hear the rest of the conversation as he kept telling all the details while Jotaro shouted at Kakyoin. The argument was of no use as the phone fell from your hands, and your body started to shiver and tremble again as tears streamed down your cheeks continuously. Jotaro, however, said nothing, except, “Okay, listen (Y/N). I’m booking my tickets and coming to see you both right away. No questions asked.” You sniffed and nodded in response.

Two days later, at the wake, Kakyoin was with your family, helping in the preparations, when Jotaro showed up at the doorstep. You were so surprised, that your body fell to the ground on your knees. The next thing that Jotaro did, however, was very uncharacteristic of his nature. Still not uttering a word, he kept his backpack near the entrance, took out his shoes, walked to you, knelt down (like in the picture), took out his cap, cupped your cheek with his hand, brought it forward, and kissed your forehead. This silent act of affection proved to you that he wasn't going to leave you hanging dry. Realizing this, you hug him tightly, crying on his shirt, to which he replied, "yare yare daze," (means good grief) and he hugs you in return.

There was no dry eye at the funeral. You were asked to give the eulogy and you suddenly felt someone squeeze your hand. To your surprise, you noticed that it was Jotaro who did so. This alone enabled you to breathe again. Kakyoin, observing this, was determined to approach Jotaro to tell him to confess to you. “Jotaro,” he called out to him, patting Jotaro’s shoulder as he was leaving for the burial ground. “What’s up, Kakyoin?” he turned around, asking with a straight face. “Jotaro, I have noticed that ever since you came back, she’s been very attached to you.” Kakyoin and Jotaro decided to walk behind you while approaching the burial ground. The red-haired boy continued, “When all of us were in Egypt, I noticed that you were protective of her, yet…”

“What are you trying to say, Kakyoin?” Jotaro scowled at him, to which Kakyoin flinched backward, brought his palms forward, and said, “Listen, calm down. I’m just saying, it’s evident that you two have feelings for each other. What’s stopping you from telling her?”Taking in a deep breath, Jotaro approaches Kakyoin and says, “it’s none of your damn business…” his voice trailing into the air as Jotaro’s distracted by your sobbing as you were walking forward. Seeing you this helpless, somehow broke Jotaro’s heart. Even after experiencing all of those nightmares, even after being tired of his mother Holly and his father Sadao going on arguing, the only one who he thought about that brought him peace was your image. This alone caused him to visit you more and more before he had to leave. He moved to America because he was scared of the feelings he was experiencing. However, this conversation and the circumstances made him realize that nothing lasts forever, so it’s best to say something now than regret it later.

Jotaro calms himself down, while a couple of tears stream down his cheek and he tells Kakyoin, “Now’s not the right time to tell her anything. I want to wait before I tell her.” Placing his hand on Jotaro's shoulder, Kakyoin replied, “it’s okay. Just tell her how you feel and give her time to think about it. It’s better to say now than regret later, right?” Losing Avdol and Iggy and almost losing Polnareff, Joseph and Kakyoin were enough. He didn’t want to lose you too. Pointing his finger at Kakyoin, Jotaro replied, “Okay. I shall tell her. It’ll be hard though, so if she rejects me, it’s on you, Kakyoin!”

A couple of days later, Jotaro approaches your parents, asks them permission, and calls out to you. “Y/N! We’re going for a small drive. You’re coming, I don’t care.” You pucker your lips at him in confusion, wondering what led him to behave in such a peculiar manner. You freshen up, get ready and leave with Jotaro. He puts you in his car, starts it, and takes off on the road. You turn towards him and ask him, “Jotaro, where are we going?” He lowers his hat and says, “shush, I'm not going to tell you anything until we reach our destination.” Scowling at him, you fold your hands and look up in the sky as you observe the stars twinkling as Jotaro turns on the music and Coldplay's Yellow plays.

You side-eye at him in confusion as you look back at the sky, leaning on the car seat and shutting your eyes, feeling the breeze kissing your cheeks. As you drift into a short slumber, with your hands now drooping on your sides, you were oblivious to Jotaro's continuous stolen glances at you as he focused on the road. In the midst of those stolen glances, with the back of his fingers, he caressed your cheek and put the same hand on your left hand, holding it tightly. He softly smiled at you, whispering, "Just wait until we reach, (Y/N)," as he let go temporarily.

Moments later, both of you arrived at Tokiwa Bridge. Jotaro stopped the car, the jerk causing you to open your eyes. “Where are we?” You question as Jotaro lowers his hat, saying, "Tokiwa Bridge, I took you here to show you something." He opened the door of your side and put his hand forward. A tint of blush appears on your cheeks as you put your hand on his and he brings you out of the car. As you stepped out, you saw the incandescent moon reflecting her light on the clear cerulean sea. As your eyes were focused on the reflection, both of your hands were on the stone railing, as you noticed that some of the fish came out of the water and jumped into it. You stood beside the seemingly stoic man, in awe of what you saw, and just noticed that the moon shed light on him as well, revealing that he had tears in his eyes but he wasn't sobbing at all.

“Jotaro, why are we here?” You ask him, softly, placing your hand on his as the chilly wind brushes against the gap between both, causing you to lightly hiss in the cold. "When you smile, it's infectious," Jotaro recalled, causing you to look into his eyes in bewilderment. He pondered, "Do you remember quoting that for your sister in your eulogy?" You nod at him, replying, "Something like yes, why?" He took out his hand from under yours and softly caressed your cheek, saying, "I feel this way about you too."

Your eyes widen at his surprising confession. You knew that Jotaro was not someone who'd reveal his feelings to you. Yet, even that small statement caused butterflies to flutter in your stomach. Needing time to understand what was going on, your eyes look to the ground while Jotaro continued. "I know that it is not the right time to tell you this, but I..I.." You immediately look up into his eyes and call out to him, "Jotaro!" causing him to flinch a little bit. "Okay now, what is it, woman?" As if it was a reflex, you enveloped him in your arms and tell him, "I know what you're going to say. I like you too, Jotaro. I know that you feel the same way, else you wouldn't have rushed to be with me here. But..."

He sighs and strokes your hair, responding, "I know, you need time. That's totally fine. This process of grief is not easy. I, of all people, should know. But, she's with you in spirit, and you know it. While she's irreplaceable, this shouldn't stop you from pursuing what you want to achieve. As days pass, it will get easier." With his index finger, he pulls your head up so that both of you look into each other's eyes. "And whenever you're ready," he continues, bringing his face forward and pressing his forehead against yours as he kisses you for what seemed to be an eternity, but was only for a few seconds.

He then pulls away and says, "I will be here." No sooner did he say that, than tears kept rolling down your cheeks. You felt a sense of relief washing over you because someone you deeply liked, was willing to wait for you to heal, with the stars and the moon being witness to this declaration of love. You hugged him again, desperately wishing for a day when it will get easier. Your sister would've loved him, this is something that you felt tonight, and with that, you were slowly able to let go of the pain.

© Shyna 2022

If you've come till here, thank you so much. Hope you have a great weekend. Also, if you have a sibling, please cherish that relationship. Those bonds are super rare.