#i'm feeling cloistered again. need to stop that before it gets out of control

[prozac-shaped-urn]

fosca screaming finally makes sense

fosca shut down emotionally. that's when she became 'ugly.' she stopped being vital and feeling alive. but she has a vivid inner life.

it's the exploration of someone who's been labelled unattractive but has this rich emotional life. who loves so fully and so completely, and who says things that are difficult to hear -- and you don't really want to hear what she has to say because she makes sense, she's saying it in circumstances that seem selfishly motivated on her part -- but she makes point.

she is emotionally unedited. she doesn't make choices based on what will seem attractive or palatable. she just is and lives and lets her emotions fly.

"i'm wanna crack you open" -- richard avedon to donna as fosca. if fosca had, over the years, been cracked open as much as donna was in that photo session, fosca wouldn't have been ill in the way that she was. when you sit on your feelings and don't allow a release, you can make yourself sick in many ways.

she's cONFRONTING THE FUCKING DEMONS -- ones inside herself and ones she envisions outside of herself, and society.

fosca has a primal scream inside of her. and it came out.

thANK YOU DONNA JEANNE MURPHY FOR PINPOINTING WHY I RELATE TO FOSCA SCREAMING

[doom-cookie1]

Chapter 1. There Is No Moon In Hell

When Sitara had left her cloister in Waterdeep to embark on her quest to Baldur's Gate, she hadn't been sure what to expect. She knew only that she had to go and that, according to her mentor, she would 'do that which she had always been destined to do.' She had not needed to know more, her faith and trust in her godess unquestionable.

That being said, waking up on a Nautiloid ship after having an illithid tadpole slither its way behind her eyeball wasn't exactly the start to her adventure she had been hoping for. Did she mention that said Nautiloid ship was currently hurtling through Avernus with no signs of stopping? So far, her 'destiny' sucked.

At least she wasn't alone. An intellect devourer and a Githyanki made for odd companions, but Lae'zel was an effective fighter and Us seemed content to follow her command, at least for the moment. Which was good, because Sitara was feeling much weaker in terms of power than she should.

She had maybe two good spells in her, after that she'd be relying on the mace in her hand and a handful of cantrips. Whether that was because Avernus had no moon, or the tadpole had weakened her, she couldn't be sure. Either way, there was no time to dwell, Us had led them into a larger control room. Not that Sitara had time to really look around before her attention was drawn to the pod on the left side of the room.

"You!" The woman inside screamed, pounding on the glass. "Get me out of this damn thing!"

"We have no time for stragglers!" Lae'zel asserted.

"I'm not just going to leave her here," Sitara replied.

"Hey," she said, addressing the woman, "I'm going to get you out of there, alright? Just hang on."

The woman seemed to relax some at her words. "Try that contraption next to the pod, they did something to it when they sealed me in."

Sitara examined the odd machine. It, like the rest of the the ship, was an amalgamation of alien technology and living tissue. She couldn't make much sense of it, but there did look to be a slot for something to be placed inside.

"It looks like it needs some kind of key," she said.

"The one that locked me in here went through there," the woman told her and gestured towards the nearest sphincter-like door.

"I'll be right back," Sitara promised her.

"Hurry, please!" She begged, voice once again bordering on hysterical.

Sitara took off and Lae'zel followed. She was a bit surprised the Githyanki hadn't abandoned her, but she was grateful all the same. There would be time for thanks later, though. Provided they survived.

There was another pod in the room, another woman trapped inside. Sitara approached with no hesitation and banged on the glass.

"Hey, can you hear me!?" She shouted. But the woman inside gave no response.

"Leave her," Lae'zel said. "She appears half-dead already. The other one at least looks capable of fighting."

Sitara glared, but did not argue. Lae'zel wasn't wrong, but that didn't mean she had to like it. She silently begged the trapped woman's forgiveness before moving on to the dead woman on the floor.

A quick search of her pockets revealed a strange rune stone, perfectly shaped for the slot on the living machine. As she ran back down the small stair case, she stopped at what she assumed was the control panel. It looked similar to one that needed a key, but there was no slot for one.

As Sitara placed her hand against it, her head pulsed with the connection. Whatever was on the other end of the machine was giving an order, commanding the woman in the pod to -

Change.

Sitara yanked her hand from the machine as if it had burned her. Behind her, the half-dead woman woke and began to scream.

"Oh, no," she whispered under her breath.She rounded the side of the pod quickly to look inside. She wished she hadn't.

It is one thing, to read about how mind flayers are born. How the flesh splits and bones break. But to see it for herself, to hear it, the gory wet sounds and cracking bones. The inhuman screeching and clicking from newformed vocal chords, a mockery of a baby's first cry.

"Kaincha, changed at the pull of a lever. How?" Lae'zel exclaimed. "If we are not purified, this may be our fate."

'No', Sitara thought. 'It cannot be.' Whatever destiny Selûne had in mind for her, becoming illithid was not it, of that much she was certain.

"I'm sorry," She said softly to the creature in the pod as she backed towards the door. "I'm sorry."

Sitara returned to the other room and placed the rune in its designated slot. She reached her hand out to the machine. . . and hesitated. Would it change her, like the other?

The woman in question pressed herself as close to the glass as she could.

"What are you waiting for? Open it!"

Save her or damn her, either way Sitara could not stay idle. She whispered a quick prayer under her breath and made contact with the console.

That strange tingling flooded into her mind again, only this time instead of listening to a command meant for another, she felt that she could give one.

'Open,' she thought, and pushed her will into the neural pathway of the machine.

A hitch.

A click.

And the sound of released pressure as the lid of the pod rose up and the woman inside pitched forward as she fell out.

Sitara darted forward, just managing to catch her before she hit the ground, arms wrapped tight around her waist.

"Easy, easy, get your feet under you," she said as the woman gripped her shoulders and slowly straightened up.

"I though that damn thing was going to be my coffin," she breathed. "Thank you-"

They both flinched back from eachother as their minds connected. The woman was indeed thankful, but a wariness clung to her thoughts. She distrusted Lae'zel's presence, and the intellect devourer.

The connection faded as the Githyanki crossed her arms and glared, but remained silent.

"You keep dangerous company," the woman spoke.

"More like she's keeping me," Sitara said. "Besides, dangerous company is what you need in a fight."

"Fair point," she agreed. "Looks like there's plenty of fighting ahead. Let me come with you, we can get off this ship and watch each other's backs along the way."

"I'll take all the help I can get. I'm Sitara, and that's Us," she gestured to the little brain. "Don't worry, Us isn't a threat for now, thinks we're thralls."

"Shadowheart," she introduced herself. An interesting name, Sitara wondered if she chose it herself or if her parents named her such. "One moment," she said, and turned back to the pod and fished something out of the bottom.

"What's that?" Sitara asked. She hadn't gotten a good look, but maybe it was some kind of weapon, like the throwing bulbs she'd found on some of dead mind flayers.

"It's nothing, trust me."

"Enough of this chatter," Lae'zel cut in impatiently. "We need to get to the helm. Now!"

"She's right," Shadowheart nodded. "Lead on."

It was like the set up to a bad joke. Two half-elfs, a Githyanki, a Mind Flayer and a Cambion, all converge on the helm of a crashing Nautiloid ship. Which one of them would manage to land the damn thing?

Sitara herself, it turned out, and only barely. The Cambion had managed to kill the Mind Flayer fairly quickly, and had wasted no time in turning his flaming sword on them.

Lae'zel had held her own against him well enough with help from Us as Sitara and Shadowheart made their way to the transponder, picking off the small fry. Sitara had used her two good spells to heal Lae'zel from a distance as best she could, and still the Githyanki looked to be hanging on by a thread when Sitara finally reached the tentacled transponder.

As soon as she touched it, she could understand its function. This ship could travel near anywhere in the realms, but there was only one Sitara was concerned with.

Just as she put the necessary tentacles together, a giant red dragon slammed itself into the side of the ship! Sitara was frozen with fear as it stuck it's head inside and blew a column of fire straight at her. The ship lurched at she lost her footing, threatening to send her flying! She held on to the fleshy machinery through sheer force of will, and with a final push, managed to grab onto the controls.

'Faerûn,' she commanded, and the ship gave a hard jolt as it warped from one realm to another. A deep metallic groan sounded from deep in the ship as the already damaged vessel finally cracked in two and began to fall in earnest.

Sitara could feel the return of the moons presence in her soul, but it wouldn't do her much good as she fell to the ground.

'Please,' she prayed, 'this cannot be the end.'

Just as she was about to make contact with the ground, she suddenly stopped, and a masculine voice spoke inside her head.

'It is not.'

Sitara dropped the last few feet onto the sand and knew no more