#i'm doing better

[dailyjermasparkle]

Hey sparklers!

I've been having a bit of a rough time in my personal life lately, so I might not be making many, if any at all, posts other than the daily sparkles, and any donation commissions.

[hillbillyoracle]

It is very annoying that while yes I've been dismissed as "anxious" when it definitely wasn't the underlying issues by other doctors, my current doctors are good and seem to have correctly identified that anxiety driving my GI issues.

And then my GI issues drive my anxiety.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

They've tried to be helpful but actually treating the underlying anxiety is proving difficult.

[croems]

Four Years

When I stepped to the pearly gates, St. Peter laughed in my face 

“We don’t take suicides, we don’t take failed hangings either” 

And I sat there, crying green ribbon held firmly in my hands 

Begging ever more for him to rid me of the pain in my jaw, 

the swelling of the symphony in my ears, and let my lungs collapse 

Again he laughed as though I were a child, 

Perhaps with bowl in hand, gone gaunt from the famine of sanity 

He cried as he wheezed “go home,” doubled over and began to scream 

So I walked back down the road I rode in on, leash in hand 

Collar around my throat on to the next after life 

The Devil laughed in my face when I arrived. 

Said he doesn’t take pitiful poets bent on prostrating their souls 

Come back “with a warrant from the big man or a deal I cant deny” 

He said, doubled over and began to cry 

So I left with tears in my eyes, collared at my throat 

I made my way to the enlightened buddha,  

Who began not to laugh but to weap 

“How have my teachings failed the world such?” 

That my heaven is not safeguarded by fools with green belts? 

And so I left. The veins in my neck looking much like his hands 

When I left, I found my ancestors heaven 

And the gods of my forbearers mocked me so 

“Who is this child of long-gone descent 

To think she is worthy of her family’s home 

When she cannot wait to die a real death” 

Seeing that my mother had joined them, her grandmother too 

I relished in the fact I would not have to face their pain 

The deepening of their wrinkled faces at my anguish 

Their tormented comments about my bloodlines aptitude 

And so I walked, with leash in hand, looking for a place to stay 

I walked past gods, remembered and forgotten 

Beloved and deeply feared, the faces of man, beast, and eldritch things 

Until I found a corner so deep and dark 

That the stars did not shine, and I was truly alone. 

I began to cry, for every hope I lost along the way 

But my leash had grown looser, I have faced my fears 

Yet there is no solace to a suicide poem 

I took my life and with it my love, my dreams, and my meaning 

Now I am the void, colorless and empty 

Now I am the void, waiting for the next traveler. 

[shinyshade8026]

My day is immensely better than yesterday so far hehehehajf,mzd

[feedmeluck]

im a house. and i forgive myself for being a kid and damaging the walls instead of loving myself. i will measure my self worth on the wall like i'm growing taller and i will collect memories of me healing like a childhood photo album. and maybe one day i'll have too many for me to continue to collect. and maybe then i'll be able to look at myself in the mirror and know whos looking back and for once be happy that its me and maybe i'll know that its always been me and once i know i can make this into a home

[ladybugpowermakeup]

How dare something that everyone tells me will be good for me... actually be good for me.

Yes, I know that music lifts my mood. Yes, I know that exercise is good for the depression. Yes, I am aware that my mental state is improved by just not focusing on other people's perceptions of me. But how dare my brain feel the best it's felt in three weeks because I danced around to mid-2010s music in the kitchen?

[bogglebabbles]

Genuinely the more I think about it, the more making it to 30 really has brought with it a lot of really good things. My life's not perfect but I'm very lucky in a lot of ways (knock on wood) and I would not have believed it back when I was in my early-mid 20s. I feel much more stable and much more well-equipped to handle those moments of instability as they come.

[my-vibrator-broke]

I appreciate that my parents no longer make me explain why my skin is super itchy when I wear certain clothes, why I cringe when I hear certain noises or touch certain fabrics, why I need to close my eyes and put my headphones in when a lot of people are around, why I need to step away from family gatherings, or why I need to lay with my weighted blanket for a while.

They just kinda accept that I'm sensitive because of GAD, and that medication makes it better, and that I'm happy when I listen to my body and calm my mind. It has always been loud in my head, but now it's quieting down, and I like it like that. It feels cleaner and less cluttered.

[bloodyellenlost]

I'm currently working on Mikey, and I'm trying to give him a somewhat 'mature' face since my version of the turtle are going to be in their mid 20s. I hope that you guys will love these boys. Don't worry, he's still a ADHD sweetie monster 💚

[ctrl-shift-escape]

@witchofthescions has replied to your post:

You need anything over there?

Fried bacon, burnt.

[hadescavedish]

My way of coping deadline or incoming task is telling myself I'm so extraordinary I'm going to get this thing done.

[singswan-springswan]

In a happy world where Jason is legally resurrected and gets to go to college like he's always dreamed of

[spyglassrealms]

had a fucking hilarious dream that tumblr replaced the "block" function with the far funnier "glock" function, which did the exact same thing except whenever anyone blocked you a random bullet hole, like a png of a bullet hole, would appear on your blog. discourse blogs were unreadable bc you'd go to the page and the sheer amount of bullet hole pngs stacked over the blogs obscured everything. I woke myself up laughing

[iysics]

.

[quibbs]

just had SO much fun with the fallout tv show... i love you missus okey dokey

[laughingcatwrites]

As a reminder that good exists out there, a coworker recently confessed to me that he found out his child is questioning their identity (kid's gender redacted for this post). The kid is keeping it from him, so he can't say anything to them or show that he knows, but he's doing his best to get mentally prepared and educated so that he'll be ready whenever his kid does feel comfortable enough come to him.

For context, this guy is a big, bulky middle aged dude who loves sports and typical outdoor "manly" activities. As his coworker and friend, I know he's a kind and sweet teddy bear of a person, but his kid probably views him as a stern, authoritarian figure, the way most teenagers view their parents. His family lives in a conservative area, so I'm sure between that, their dad's looks and interests, and the fact that their dad is a Figure of Authority, the kid is worried that they won't be accepted.

But you know what? When he found out about his kid, the first thing he did was reach out to his closest queer friend and ask for resources for parents of questioning children. His biggest fears are that his kid will be bullied or discriminated against and won't feel comfortable enough to be themself. His second action was to find himself a mentor in another parent who went the same situation (kid coming out in a conservative town). The other person is preparing him for some of the struggles his kid may face and the fights he may need to take on as a parent to make sure his kid is safe and treated well.

Something I want to emphasize for people focused on language as the primary method of allyship is that when we spoke, he used some outdated terms and thoughts about gender and sexuality. That does not make him bad. These were the terms and thinking used about questioning teenagers when he was growing up and he never needed to learn more current ones. But now that he does have that need, he's throwing himself in head first because that's his kid and he's darn well going to make sure that his kid feels welcomed and has a safe place to be themselves even if they never come out to him.