#i'm closing my art commissions until the new year so i can give myself a break

[making-you-in-spore]

pins will have to be delayed until sometime after new year due to the ever dreaded cable bills

[fobnsfwdoodlesbackup]

Hi y'all, I just wanted to talk a little about the behind the scenes of what I've been up to, to give y'all a little transparency and to open myself up for any tips or input! 🙏 Thank you for your continued support and for taking the time to look at my art 🫶

First and foremost I wanted to give some transparency about my art capacity.

As og followers may remember, I started this blog when I was doing art full time. Eventually my living expenses grew and I had to go back to work. I find myself in a cycle of "I'll make more art soon, once I get a job!" And "I'll make more art soon, once I am done with this job!" I lost my most recent job suddenly, having had an extension waved over my head until the last day(October 7th). Now I'm excited to have more time for art, but I am also feeling a rush to get a new job ASAP as I've been living paycheck to paycheck. I dream of doing this work full time, I'm just scared it's not quite there yet and I worry that I come off as scammy or dishonest when I anticipate more stability around the corner.

Second, I've been struggling with the Patreon. It's taken me a while to come to terms with this, but from what I've seen Patreon is not intuitive at all from the creator end. It doesn't do a good job of organizing addresses, emails, showing who or who isn't subscribed to me, or organizing and displaying the work I put on there. I've been really shocked by this experience, since lots of big names use Patreon. It's been a great way to streamline support, but it's been unhelpful in every other regard. I would like to continue using it, but I will most likely post more wips or process videos there in the future.

Which brings me to my third point, zines. I love making zines so much, it feels personal and fulfilling and fun! However the Patreon issues make it harder to keep information in order about where to send zines, or even where to message folks about them. In addition to this, the post office has been a big barrier to me, oftentimes only being open at the same time as my dayjob. Making zines can take days, then sending them out is a whole other monster.

This work is so important to me. Drawing peoples fantasies, representing body types, creating work around sexuality and the human experience feels like what I'm meant to do. I've made comics since I was a kid. This is the dream to me. The friends I've been able to make through this work are so important to me, and the conversations have been invaluable. Not to mention fun! I wanna doodle, I wanna draw hot stuff, I wanna thirst over these dudes! I want to play!

But I also just want to be transparent about the barriers I'm working around to share that experience. I'm completely self taught, both in art AND in running shops, building websites, running 8 accounts, etc. I take a lot of time to learn the logistics of these things, and try to make them make sense for my relationship with y'all (I do not want to paywall my art!! I don't want to!!!). This year my desktop broke down (the main one I use for all paintings and digital art). I've paused my Etsy shops and my Patreon to try to catch up with things. Trying to learn to paint in a completely different program. Then lost my job with no savings.

At the end of the day I don't want anything to come between me sharing my art with you. I wish I could doodle a thing, take a picture, and post it here. No third party site, no shop, no subscription. Just sharing my art with you. I promise I'm trying to figure out how to stay as close to that as possible, and I want to thank y'all for sticking with me as I untangle all of that.

So, what can you expect in the near future?

I'm working on a couple of painting commissions right now, which you should be able to see in the next couple of days! I want to catch up on kinktober and get those posted as well. There's a comic commission in progress which I'm very eager to work on, and which I think y'all will be excited for! To ease the weight of the Patreon I think I may do less zines/polls there and more wips and process videos! If possible, I want to do more full colored work too.

Thank you again for enjoying my work, and if you have any input or tips my inbox is always open 🙏🫶💕

[marusagorjup]

I started working as a freelance artist a bit over 2 years ago now. I am super glad that I get to have my dream job and that I was able to work on some really amazing projects because of it. But it has also come with a lot of challenges, which I never mentioned publicly.

So far, I have been able to finance myself with my work, because I lived at home and my business expenses were lower at the start. But now, because of the way running a business is set up in my country, my expenses will be more than 500 € per month, just for basic things like healthcare, pension funds, etc., not to mention living expenses, adobe license and all that. And I would have to make around 2000 € per month to be able to live a comfortable life.

I recently signed a contract with an agency that would help me find more projects, and I am in talks with some people about some potential new projects, but until then, I am jobless.

I'm gonna use this time, to post more on my Patreon, so if you'd consider supporting me, that would mean the world to me. My lowest tier is 3 € and you get monthly wallpapers, step-by-step tutorials and more, or you can even sign up for free, so you can follow my updates more closely.

I also offer commissions, if you'd be interested in getting one, or just sharing the word, I would be really thankful.

Or you can view my Etsy store for some smaller art prints and stickers!

Every little bit of support means so much to me, and I'm already grateful just for having a following and for the reblogs and the nice comments that you guys give me. Thank you! ❤️

[usedpidemo]

Update - Happy New Year! (and some housekeeping)

*TV static intensifies*

Hey everyone! π here.

Once again, I'd like to wish all of you formally a happy new year! This will be my third year with you, and I hope you're still enjoying my works and I appreciate you for your continued support.

Now that I have your attention, I'd like to give you an overall update on things happening behind the scenes, but first:

2023 Poll

I only posted 10 fics over the previous year, rip, but they're easily some of my most popular and positively received works in the library. Vote up to three of your favorite fics released from me during 2023! I was supposed to include Plaid on the list, but I didn't finish it on time, and as a result this poll also delayed lol. You can change your votes anytime if you have a change of heart. Poll begins from today until January 7, 2024 1:00 P.M. KST/12:00 AM EST.

2024 Road map

And because I only posted 10 fics all throughout 2023, my personal goal in 2024 is to increase the amount of releases, while continuing to improve the quality and maintain consistency. Hopefully. In real life, I'll be entering my third year of college once the holidays are over, and this may be the last full year of freedom I get. I might have to do on-the-job training (OJT) and write up my thesis, which requires a lot of personal commitment so I can finally graduate. I'm basically on borrowed time at this point.

Plans change. Shit happens. Everything that I'm about to say isn't exactly a 100% guarantee, and I really don't wanna promise anything because I've broken way too many promises. But here's the initial proposed list of idols that will be getting fics in 2024:

Hanni

Chaeryeong

Ningning

Yunjin

Rei

Sejeong

Nagyung

Haewon

Yuqi

Xiaoting

Minji (Newjeans)

Sakura

Youngeun

Karina

Sullyoon

Heejin

And this doesn't include idols I've already written :)

Looks ambitious—and it is—but if I can complete even half of that list, I feel as if I've already accomplished my goal.

Commissions

To the people who've been waiting for their requests, once again I'd like to apologize for the delays. I feel terrible knowing I've got so many projects in limbo because of circumstances beyond my control, and it feels as though I've betrayed your trust. However, we're picking things up and I'll gradually be releasing them throughout the early stages of 2024. Thank you for waiting just a little bit longer.

With that said, my personal plan is to implement the following so this never happens again: I'll be scaling back on the number of commissions I can accept at a time so there's more breathing room for requests as well as personal ideas/projects. Ideally, this would mean releasing fics in a 2-to-1 format: 2 commissions then 1 personal idea, but this would vary based on personal schedule and overall demand. Balancing real life commitments with burnout is a huge challenge, and I believe this is the most comfortable situation for me. Please understand that I'm still just one guy and I can't do everything all at once. If I could clone myself, I would abuse the shit out of that ability.

Closing

Overall, I've been blessed to have such a wonderful 2023, and I pray 2024 will be just as kind, if not kinder. I've experienced some of the highest highs and the lowest lows, but I personally feel that 2023 was the best year I've had in almost a decade, and this blog is one reason for that. It wasn't as productive as it used to be, but the increasing support is simply humbling. Heck, I've been entrusted to bring some of your visions/fantasies to life, which shows how much faith you have in me to succeed and bring you quality art. There's no amount of words that can express how truly grateful I am to you, the readers, my peers in the writing community, and to our heavenly Father.

Regardless of what happens to me or this blog, I hope 2024 will be kind to you all. Love you.

with grace,

peter / π

[silkbab3y]

I haven't said anything about this until now because I respected Sai's wishes to let them deal with the matter first before getting the ok to voice my thoughts and opinions. I almost decided not to because this whole situation has left me extremely overstimulated, overly stressed, and honestly-- disappointed. But nonetheless, here I go.

I would've written this in tags but I'm a yapper and have too much shit to get off my chest. Going to Winndy in regards to that warning about overshadowing other members wasn't in any way to discourage her from sharing her creations-- Winndy has a wonderful mind and the most brilliant ideas for characters and stories, and that is something I will always admire about Winndy.

That shows in the countless of talks we would have about our ocs together late at night, the art and the writings I would make for Winndy-- and I know that was the same for some of the other people directly involved with this.

The issue was never about Winndy sharing their creation, it was never about their autism-- and quite frankly, I feel a bit disrespected that that had become such a huge excuse and play, even if that wasn't the intention. I, myself, am neurodivergent-- almost my whole family have been diagnosed with ADHD, autism, or haven't been diagnosed but show many traits of neurodivergency. The issue? Was how this whole thing was handled.

I do feel guilty for approaching Winndy when they were having a stressful time, I can admit that it slipped my mind. I had caught covid and ended up being bedridden for a few days-- I could barely move, eating was a chore, and all I could really do was sleep-- and just hope I'd recover quickly (unfortunately my ass ended up out of commission from school for 2 weeks). Even when I knew my own condition, I choose to be the one who dmd Winndy because I knew some of the mods were either uncomfortable due to prior confrontations with Winndy or were new to the staff. And I had gone to them, not just as a mod but as a close friend as we've known each other 2 years prior of me joining the yan vn community.

When I had apologized and offered the space Winndy had asked for, they proceeded to lash out at me. I understand that they were frustrated, and she had every right to feel frustrated-- but instead of actually taking that space before coming back to talk about it, they proceeded to dm other members of the server AND Sai about it.

I wasn't expecting Winndy to accept my apology or suddenly feel better when I had done so, and when Winndy had reminded me of their stress and grief, I sincerely felt sorry-- because I knew that was shitty of me, hence why I apologized and backed away. But I also wasn't expecting Winndy to go off and paint us all as horrible people, going to others' dms and saying the most ominous things-- then leaving a vaguely negative departing message in the server and now making this thing a whole public fiasco.

I can admit my mistakes, I can stop and realize "hey, what I did wasn't the best action to take"-- and I can improve from that. That's just what it is being an adult, being human-- I can accept the fact I did something wrong, and do better.

So it's crazy to me seeing this talk of 'communication is key', 'we should handle this like adults'-- but... you were not giving the same energy back? You had all the opportunity to talk to me ever since that dm, but instead-- chose to go to Sai about it, chose to talk shit about us to the point someone (or people! can't tell cause they were anonymous) had sent us disrespect in your name (whether it was what you intended or not, I honestly do not care at this point).

You can be upset that other members in the server outside of the staff team didn't bring it up to you beforehand-- but YOU even admitted you understood why they would've not wanted to. Last year when this happened, you were a MOD-- and even then this year, you were still Sai's and most of our staffs' closest friends, mine included. Whether you realize it or not, you had more privileges and security just by being our closest friend-- which shouldn't have been fair when we've let this issue drag on for almost a YEAR.

And even then-- even with those anonymous reports out of the picture, when Puppy and I had confronted you directly to your face about starting to feel overshadowed ourselves, you proceeded to lash out at us. I know last year was a mess, tension was high and there was just so much stress going on with trying to fix up the server-- but when you were faced with a concern regarding YOU, you ran away from modship, and even this year-- you ran away from the server instead of actually trying to communicate, to acknowledge that you did something that had caused multiple people to feel unwelcomed, as you feel now.

And what disappoints me the most? How easily you were able to end our friendships, how easy it was for you to burn bridges because you couldn't accept the fact that you had made mistakes repeatedly and couldn't own up to them.

I genuinely don't care if this in anyway blackens my reputation or makes people see me in a bad light, but I won't stand for it when you try and tarnish my friends', who were also YOUR friends, whether it was your intentions or not.

It's hypocritical, it's immature, and it's just is so confusing, how you could easily just act as if we were no longer friends then, and that I was just some stranger to you doing you wrong.

I've cried too much about this shit, I've experienced so much stress over something that yeah, should've been handled like adults. But as they say 'it takes two'.

I will no longer concern myself with this, my main priority is surrounding myself with a wonderful community and ensuring that I keep it a safe space. My love for the server and the people within it will always persist and I will continue to cherish every moment with each individual.

I'm sorry things ended up this way, Winndy. I wish you the best.

I did not wish to make this, I do not wish to bring bad light to others, so I am doing everything I can in this statement to keep it as vague as possible to grant others the same privacy I should have. But because my privacy was not respected I have no choice but to come forward with this.

If you know what I am talking about, then this is my side of things. If you don't know what I am talking about, then please move on.

(Also to note, I realize what day I am posting this on. This is absolutely NOT a joke.)

To preface this. My dad died suddenly Feb 26th. I cannot begin to detail what it feels like to lose him, after I've lost many others, to try and handle my emotions and grief while also handling the logistics of his belongings and estate, all this while having to write this on top of it. If I come across as intense, this is why. 

I was in a discord server when it first opened. I dedicated a lot of time, energy, art and passion to it. I was even a mod at one point but stepped down due to my own reasons. 

While there, we had an anonymous survey posted to gather information from the community about the server, what we could do to improve, what was liked and so on. Instead, some used it as a means to anonymously complain about members. I was a target of these complaints. 

A quick note. This server was made within a community that has suffered MANY hardships due to anons. Keep this in mind.

One of the rules is that if you have a personal grievance with another member, to try to resolve it through DMs before coming to a mod or to even send in a ticket.

I must be clear; I was NEVER DMed by anyone how I made them uncomfortable. Not once. Nor were these complaints directly messaged to the mods. This was all through the survey (I will touch up more on this later).

I and other staff/mods that used to be on the team suggested we remove the anonymity. It's too risky for it to be abused, because as noted earlier, this community has suffered a lot through abuse from anons. This suggestion was ignored.

Now, I suppose I should say what the complaints were about. I was told I made others uncomfortable due to, and I am paraphrasing here; "talking over others, redirecting conversations back to myself and my ocs, and making too many jokes and insults about characters."

I will also say. I am autistic. What was mentioned are signs of someone with autism. My dad was autistic. I do not bring this up to deflect or excuse anything, merely to give further context.

I want to explain a bit of my process when I interact with others, in this case especially pertaining to an online space.

When I am talking with someone, anyone, I try to be as inclusive and welcoming as I can be. Saying hello, how they’re doing, that sort of thing. But a conversation is a two way street. If I don’t get a reply or any sort of means to keep the conversation going, I move on. That’s just… how talking goes. I can get very passionate in talking to folks, especially friends and things in line with my interests. It’s hard for me to notice if folks are uncomfortable in person, online it is impossible to tell. I need people to tell me directly if I am doing something uncomfortable and what it is, and if I can fix it.

My process for ocs is this: I see someone talking about their oc, they say something that reminds me of one of mine, then I share my oc. This is not to direct the conversation to me, but to share in it, it is in conjunction. I want to learn more of yours and I do that best by sharing mine. I cannot know if this isn't what you want if I am not told. And I wasn't.

I like to make jokes about characters, analyze them, critique them. I try to do this in a way that makes it clear this isn't an insult to those who like the character(s). But again, I need to be told directly by someone if I need to stop or tone it down. I would only be told sparingly by folks, and when I would, of course I'd stop, do my best to tone it down. But again, I was rarely told directly by people.

What is being described as my crimes are simply the experience of being autistic.

I cannot control it. I cannot stop it. I try to be as inclusive, warm and welcoming to all I come across. You do not HAVE to like me. But if you don't, just ignore me. You HAVE to learn to ignore people who you just… don't like. You have to learn to ignore pet peeves or to reasonably talk to the person. That's life.

So, when I received the above message, I was furious. I was at my dad’s apartment, cleaning out his stuff, and dealing with some harrowing emotions when I got this. I responded that getting this was extremely poor timing and yes, I was angry. But the one who sent this KNEW my dad died. They had seen me post about it, they acknowledged it, and still decided to message me. Who wouldn’t be angry?

Because of what I had been messaged, and the timing, I had decided to go to the owner of the server. I did not feel like it was appropriate for a mod, any mod, to message me about something that is a personal issue that folks should have messaged me themselves (and again, it is listed in the rules that things SHOULD be talked out privately between members before a mod gets involved), in a time that has been hell on earth for me.

I explained to the server owner what all happened with my feelings on the matter. I said that regardless, I would leave the server, because this was something that no one, absolutely no one, should experience. I requested for anything I contributed to the server to be removed, for I no longer felt comfortable for folks to use my art who could be the very same ones pettily using an anonymous survey to speak ill of me. So I sent my message, waited, and got a response.

I do not have anything against the server owner, but there are a few things that I must address with their response as well, because some are factually incorrect. There is full admittance to the complaints received through the anonymous survey, most recently at that. This goes counter to the rules stated that members should resolve private disputes amongst themselves first. (Again please note the screenshots of the rules.)

While perhaps not all of the mods knew of my dad’s passing, but enough DID that they should have known better. I posted briefly in the server in a slow thread so it could be better seen by people, including the mods. I had posted on tumblr as well. But the claim is no one saw it. 

Again. This is just not true. Look to the above screenshots.

I do not have a screenshot of when I had sent the message initially in the server of my dad’s passing (I apologize for this), but the point being is that people knew. Another member messaged me in DMs to give their condolences. While I am and have been open about his passing, I also tried my best to not talk too much about it in the server as to bring down the mood, and I sought out the server and talked there as a source of comfort. Saying this was not clear to anyone, is false.

Now, I am sorry that I made people uncomfortable, it was never my intention to, and I will take fault in that. That isn’t what I mean to address in all this. The issue is; if people were uncomfortable, they needed to follow the rules and come to me DIRECTLY stating such, NOT give these complaints through an anonymous survey. And that I should NOT have been told during such an awful period. How can I take this at face value when I am not offered the same?

I wish to point out as well, why I kept bringing up the anonymous survey, and to bring back a note I made earlier.

There is a great deal of falsehood in using an anonymous survey to gather information, when this community has experienced a lot of hardship from anons. I have seen many people torn down and even chased out of this community and others because of people hiding behind anon. Creators, fans, and yes members, mods and even the server owner have all been victim to negativity from anons. 

Now, I also must bring attention to this.

This is a screenshot I was sent of another mod posting, after I left. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY. This is why I feel the need to make this statement. Giving details like this is completely unnecessary, and with this said after I left is unacceptable.

I am sorry to be redundant, but I truly am sorry if I ever did make people uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was to make friends and share in the joy in creating art and characters with others. To share space in a community with something I truly found enjoyable. It’s why I’d get enthusiastic whenever OC’s were brought up and I’d share mine. I also wanted to share joy in the topic of the server, and yes some of that for me IS making jokes about characters or even giving critique.

I am not saying any of this to bad mouth or slander anyone. I say all of this to express my side of things. Someone who is grieving the loss of their dad, and so many others who came before him that are making me remember now because of his passing.

[stfu-im-thinking-abt-blorbo]

Copy/Pasted from my other pages, a little update on my art and mental health, and wanted to leave my situation on a slightly more positive note than this morning.

So my Apple Pencil/stylus has died for good today. I've been having issues with it for months now, and today was officially it's last day. There's nowhere nearby to take it for repairs, and I'm more than likely not going to be able to send it away to be repaired. I've had this thing since 2019, and in the past three years it has served me incredibly well. I won't be able to reopen any commissions until I either get it replaced or figure out how to mimic my style on Procreate in a different program. Replacement is definitely not going to happen any time soon, especially so close to Christmas, so idk when I'll be comfortable with my art in FireAlpaca or SAI2 again. Pretty much all of my WIPs on my iPad are going to remain unfinished for a while.

I'm very upset at the moment, not just from my stylus. A lot of stuff has happened over the past few years, this has been the worst year yet, and all of it is making me reconsider every step I've taken as an artist. I'm not well, I haven't been well for years, and I won't be well for many many more. I don't really have a good way to vent nor anyone I feel safe with to vent to, and I don't really know how express what I'm feeling on my own. I don't make vent art because I hate how it makes me feel, plus I can barely bring myself to pick up a pencil when I'm like this anyways. And while I can still write in a state like this, writing about my problems just makes me spiral further into depression, anxiety and paranoia. I literally have a doc titled "Why My Life Sucks, From Before I Was Born to Now." If that isn't unhealthy idk what is. This situation particularly stings right now. Yesterday I made my list of what I wanted to do in 2023 in an attempt to feel more positive and hopeful about my future, but I've already been set back before the new year even started. I'm not at risk of hurting myself or others, but ngl it'd be pretty nice to simply not exist right about now.

Sorry if this was a downer to read, but I wanted to give an update on my art situation and let everyone know what my headspace is like atm. For what its worth, I'm not "giving up" in any sense of the phrase. I'm definitely taking a break from any serious work on my stories or reopening commissions, but not forever. I'll still be making silly doodles and reacquainting myself with my screen tablet and FireAlpaca or SAI2. I have a lot of editing I want to do so I can update my deco and themes for my pages and blogs. And I've also realized there's also a lot of writing requests building up on my fanfiction blog, so I could also tackle that. Even though it feels like positivity has brought my life nothing but negativity, I'm still trying. I've been a pretty decent therapist for myself after all these years, why would I stop now lol

Happy holidays everyone 💖

[fierce-hummingcrab]

My college graduation ceremony! I earned my associates in graphic design 🎉

Believe it or not, the mini prints of my work is only a fraction of what I have made during my time spent at my community college. I take pride in how I chose to attend MCC instead of diving right into a four year college, not just because I’m not neck deep in college debt, but what I value most from my career at MCC are the connections and memories that I have made there.

Every drive I made to my classes was like going to my fourth home (my other homes being my mom’s, dad’s and grandparents’). After taking many courses in the DGM and Art departments over the course of several years, you tend to see a lot of familiar faces. Among all those people that I had the pleasure of collaborating, giving and receiving critiques with, I never would have thought that I would meet my best friend Allison.

We’ve had one or few classes with each other in the past but didn’t talk too much with each other, until we were in a mixed class of Graphic Design one and two, which also happened to be taught by my role model. I’ve been in many friend groups throughout my life so far, maybe even had a close friends here and there but I don’t think I’ve ever had a “best friend”. And I was starting to think that I never would. But a new door was opened when I was able to get to know Allison. She’s a photoshop wizard, a fellow skull enthusiast, highly skilled designer, eyeliner expert, dedicated Disney fan, Dunkin’ Doughnut vanilla latte connoisseur, animal lover (who is now the mother of my leopard gecko Pablo). More importantly she has always been my rock, she’s practically my sister. Allison is someone I can come to for a second opinion, whether it be life stuff or art stuff, a shoulder to cry on, someone to make adventures with, she’s especially good at keeping me in check when I get oddball ideas and lending a hand on my hijinks. Which is often. Allison is more than what I deserve in a best friend and I am very grateful that I crossed paths with her in my lifetime.

As for my role model Justin Schmitz, Justin has this incredible creative drive that pushes him to put so much extensive labor into his projects until he gets his visions to manifest, he's funny, witty and isn't afraid to befuddle his students with obscure references from his generation or the unfamiliar corners of the art world that went over my head at times. My kind of juice and jam. Not only is he a great photography/graphic design professor, but he is able to keep his own creative endeavors on the side alive and well. He's able to make a stable living as a professor while going in any direction he wants with his own photography series and the occasional commissions he gets. He has inspired me to push myself by any means of reaching my full potential as an artist and person. His extensive knowledge of technological and artistic disciplines would always blow me away. Of course he’s well rounded in those regards, he has years of experience, a masters degree under his belt. But how he projects himself in his loud and unique nature is what makes me want to be able to take on the world like he does. What I appreciated about taking a class with him is that he was always invested in what fellow students were creating, gave us his thoughts on how to better our work, and then would take a step back to allow us to explore a combination of ideas. But what I appreciated most about him as a professor and a creative, he would always support me and my ideas whenever I hit a roadblock, I will always remember his compassion.

The Professors of the DGM and Art department have provided me with the skills of not only pushing myself as a creator, how to be self motivated, how to conceptualize an idea and articulate my reasoning behind the idea, I must push myself outside my comfort zone in order to add more skills to my tool belt, to have fun with what I'm making and how to legally protect my ideas.

Moving forward I plan to find some internships in the graphic design field to gain some experience as I look into options for a four year school to earn my Bachelors in graphic design OR take a different route. One thing is for certain, I will continue to create and pride myself as an artist, a graphic designer, a wildlife enthusiast, a cartoon junkie, bone collector an independent woman.

[lizzieart]

Hey!! As much as I'd enjoy the idea I doubt I'm worth that much to you, but I'd love to hear about the characters you've created and if they are based upon anyone you know or knew for the ideals behind them. Hope you get this soon I'm interested in your stories.

Well first of all bless you, and second you are already worth that much to me because you took the time out of your day to send me a message!  Seriously, thank you.  I am a lonely garbage can.  And third, yes, some of my characters are loosely based on people, but most are just based on traits I relate to and/or admire.

I’m going to put the rest of this answer under a read more; if you choose to read it, buckle up, ‘cause there’s a huge fucking wall of text below.

It all started with a homebrew one shot my friend Cait was running in the winter of 2013.  I had never played a tabletop RPG before (I’ll still say tabletop even though she was running it online), but I had always been interested in her worldbuilding and characters; it was a frequent topic of discussion for us.  Plus, I trusted her pretty much explicitly with my sensitivities, so even though I was anxious, I agreed to join up.  The campaign didn't start for a few months after, so I spent plenty of time asking Cait as much as I could (without spoilers) about her world.  After all, I was (and still am) a person who completely overthinks every little detail of something I’m into (yay special interest fixation).

Just some background on the setting; there are two groups of people in this world, magi and non magi.  Magi were heavily persecuted (like at the threat of death) for hundreds of years, but not so openly in present time (although this can depend on region).  The Havens is a city built almost exclusively by mages, for mages.  It was a fortress that provided sanctuary to mages during wars long passed, and in more peaceful times turned into one of the largest universities of the arcane in the Uplands.  There are other countries/continents other than the Uplands, but those have not been planned out at this time (to my knowledge).  Anything else world related I should be able to answer as we go along in the rest of this text (or if you send me another ask; though we’ll see if you want to after this lmao).

Saoirse was a real diamond in the rough for a while.  I knew my babe was in that mess of ideas somewhere, but it took a bit to figure it out.  I decided on a name first (I had been aching to use the name Saoirse), and I drew quite a few pictures of her before I settled on a design, but even that changed over time as I grew accustomed to drawing literally anyone else besides other white people.  I had educated myself and knew what nasty tropes to stay away from and made her a person.  She's a confident, powerful, mentor figure, and her exuberance for life and love of her family has gained the adoration of colleagues and friends alike.  She has her faults; she tends to overextend herself trying to help people or gets caught up in her work; but it all stems from a place of great compassion; she is dedicated to making the world a sweeter place.  To be honest, somewhere along the way Saoirse turned into everything I want and hope to be.  She has a family and friends who she is close to and love her dearly.  She never has to hide her feelings or work to earn their love.  She just has it.  Saoirse is a child of love in its purest form.  And she brightens up my life every day.

Brennya started out as one of Cait's NPCs, but a relationship grew between her and Saoirse after the events of the one shot.  Cait and I aren't always in contact due to life issues and school and work, but she let me keep writing interactions between Brennya and my other characters regardless (thank you).  Also, while it is a side note, have I ever mentioned that Cait’s absolutely brilliant?  She double majored in English and Geology and then got accepted into grad school right after that.  I love her.  So even though I can't (and wouldn't out of respect) claim Brennya is purely my character, I was allowed to continue writing for her.  And the way I write Brennya is honestly pretty personal.  Brennya is closer to the person I am currently... and have been in the past.  Brennya is loved now too, but Brennya was not born into love.  Love was conditional, a commodity contingent on success; personal worth built on actions and achievements, not being.  She grew to be a successful scholar nonetheless, but success rings hollow when you have no one to share it with.  She can be deeply cynical of the intentions of other people and readily manipulative of others (getting what she can from them before they have the chance to do the same to her).  She expects deceit and is truly thrown off guard when confronted with an honest person (like Saoirse).  She wants things like family and connection and truth, but has a hard time believing they exist for a person like her.  So she pretends that she is impervious to those feelings; that wanting those things is trivial in the span of existence; until she can no longer deny it.  When she meets Saoirse, it's not easy at first.  Being truly cherished at no expense of your own is difficult to understand for someone like Brennya (and for someone like me), but it is a truly beautiful thing if you can accept it.  Meeting Saoirse’s family is overwhelming for her at first too; they are an intense bunch; but they accept her almost immediately, simply because she makes their daughter happy.  Brennya acclimates eventually.  

Personally, though I’m still not in a great situation, I have healed from of a lot of bitterness I used to hold.  Seeing them happy inspires me to do better in my own life; realizing that while it may take time, it will ultimately be worth it.  And that someday I will be able to love and trust fully.

Anyways, the rest of them are a little more lighthearted in nature, I swear!!

Aoife is Saoirse’s sister and the middle child of the Keir siblings.  She’s the fun, flamboyant sibling; always jovial, super pretty, and damn good at making others feel welcome.  Aoife sees everybody as a potential friend.  Gods help you if you mistake her good nature for weakness though; she’s a powerful force to be reckoned with.  She’s a vital part of the Bluewater Town Guard, and she loves her work, preferring busy places like the town square or the docks, where her nature as both a protector and people person can flourish.  She also adores the town’s children and always makes time for them.  She lives in a house on the Keir property with her wife Mazneen.

Mazneen is my newest character, so forgive me for not having a lot on her yet (I’m trying to do something new while being culturally sensitive).  I also think it’s important for me as her creator to state explicitly somewhere down the line that she is a trans woman (representation is a high priority for me), but with the really angry and reactionary culture of tumblr these days, it’s really hard to create trans characters without someone getting upset (watch, someone will write a really angry callout for me not ‘performing her gender right’ or something…  well guess what buds, there’s no one right way for a trans woman to be trans!  BEGONE TERF!).  What else I can tell you is that she is outgoing and so incredibly sweet, and loves helping people see the beauty inside themselves like she sees in herself.  Mazneen is also a savvy businesswoman and trader originally from the Havens, and has family, friends, and business contacts there (I just haven’t gotten that far in her writing).  She currently lives and works in Bluewater with Aoife’s mother, Meirna, in her tailoring business (accounting and supply are her specialties).  They mostly make clothing suitable for cold climates like Bluewater, but occasionally produce some finer pieces on commission.  Their regular clothing is really popular amongst the whalers and even gets shipped to other parts of the Uplands.  They’re basically running something like a fantasy L.L. Bean if that makes any lick of sense.

Meirna, who I mentioned earlier, is the Keir siblings’ mother and the wife of Roarke.  She is a woman of great intelligence, tact, and grace; people used to tell her that had she not married a whaler she could have been a favorite of the Havens elite.  But she chooses to completely disregard this, and to this day she is more than happy with her life; she is still in love with her husband Roarke, runs her own well-known business, and has three very successful children.  I also have the inclination to make her deeply spiritual in some way; the Uplands actually has a few religions with a decent pantheon of gods, but I haven’t quite figured out the details of that yet.   Regardless of spirituality (or lack thereof), people look to her for comfort and guidance.

Roarke is the father of the Keir siblings and Meirna’s husband.  He’s a retired whaler but still an active part of Bluewater’s whaling guild.  Being retired certainly doesn’t keep him from being out on the water though; he just fishes for a lot smaller catch these days.  He loves the outdoors and has a fire for life that just can’t be tempered.  But he’s also a MEGA DAD.  Like the best Dad I imagine one could hope for.  He loves his family so much and he’s so proud of his kids and all their achievements.  Intense honestly just isn’t strong enough to describe the way he lives his life.  Roarke is the epitome of ALL THE TIME ALL THE TIME.  Just a huge dude with an absolute heart of gold.  Where else could Aoife have gotten it from?

Arlen is the youngest of the Keir siblings, and takes after his mother more.  His intelligence and patience are unrivaled; and his charismatic and comforting presence gives him the perfect bedside manner as a physician.  He studied at the Havens like Saoirse and Brennya, but with a focus on medicine instead of arcane arts and archaeology (Saoirse and Brennya's concentrations, respectively).  He’s an accomplished healer and has been instrumental in improvements made to Bluewater’s current health awareness and services.  He spends time every year to make trips to Snowshower, the large city northeast of Bluewater, and sets up a free clinic in the impoverished areas of the city.  He eventually ends up in a relationship with Rory after some time (still working on those details).

Rory also started out as an NPC.  He was originally the character that was Saoirse's call to action; a former student in a spot of trouble, and Saoirse just didn't have the heart to turn him down.  Except that the trouble he was in was, in fact, much more trouble than originally stated; a large debt with a notorious Poppyport (a city on the southernmost coast of the Uplands) crime syndicate, Redbloom (also can you guess their specialty lmao).  After the events of the job, Saoirse finds out that she's only thirded his debts.  Turns out he's got some serious impulse control issues and formed a gambling habit that, as you can probably imagine, got way out of hand.  He has an intense need to impress people with flashy displays, always trying to one up himself and others, but quite often these gestures fall flat.  Rory was chasing that dream of being famous and left Bluewater a few years back, only to become known as a fool.  And even though it was free publicity, bad publicity is only just publicity until you owe a crime lord his debts.  So Saoirse takes a risk and flees Poppyport, making her way back to Bluewater with Rory in tow.  Redbloom has no ties to a whaling town like Bluewater, it isn’t profitable enough.  So now he’s stuck in Bluewater for his own safety, and it would have driven him nuts if it weren’t for befriending the Keir family.  He still isn’t a huge fan of life in Bluewater, but his work and friendships keep him well grounded.  He eventually starts dating Arlen sometime into the timeline, but I haven’t written any of that yet; it’s only a series of ideas right now.  I do also want to look into writing a resolution with the whole Redbloom debt, but we’ll see where the story goes.  He’s always been…  A little all over the place.  He was a mandatory character and I really had to think about a way to work him into the story, and even now I’m still not completely satisfied.

I guess my main point is that I’m not nearly finished yet; I’ve only just begun getting bits of my story down, but I’m dedicated to expanding this family and their world and I just really love them all to bits.  And apart from their main story I’ve got some alternate universes I like to work on too, like their Dragon Age AU.  I’ve actually written quite a bit of meta and dialogue, and even drawn some for that one.  I haven’t really shared it with anyone yet though; haven’t figured out a delivery method that feels quite right yet.  I tried starting a blog for it, but it got stuck in the development phase a few months back.  Maybe I’ll try and figure that out soon.  I’ve just got so many ideas!  Anyways sorry for the wall of text and thanks for hanging in here with me with I figure shit out!  If you have any more questions I’d love to answer them! 

[perdizzion]

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents���.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations. 

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride. 

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!