#i'm being sentimental about the past guys save me

[sneebl]

sometimes i think about how who i was last year would sob her eyes out looking at who i am now like. hi darling. you didn't deserve any of the shit that people gave you. please take care of yourself. you now have an irl friend group that means the world to you and calls you every night and we all make the effort to love each other. btw

[lizardaggro]

on the flip side (twst bully!au) part 4

sorry this didn't get out sooner; my sleep issues are really upset (might be daylight savings?) and i spent most of the past few days feeling like a zombie. i'm better now though! it's also a bit shorter than i'd like, but i didn't want to leave you guys hanging. also two fics? in one day?? crazy!

part 1 part 2 part 3 genre: gn reader, angst trigger warnings: bullying, yandere has officially escalated word count: 897

“Child of man,” Malleus said. Even his voice felt suffocating. “Lilia has informed me that some… pests have been bothering you as of late.” He must mean the others. Did he really not know? Well, you supposed it wasn’t too farfetched, since he didn’t have any friends and everyone was afraid of him, especially after his Overblot. “You need only have let me know and I would have… taken care of them. But worry not. You’ll be safe here, where no one would dare to harm you.”

Oh no. Oh no no no. It was finally happening. Malleus had lost his mind. It felt a little nice, you’d admit, knowing that at least one person still cared for you. But that didn’t mean you could accept being trapped here for who knows how long. You still had to take care of Grim and attend classes. Not to mention you hated feeling trapped.

You knew you couldn’t count on anyone to save you. Lilia was the only one who might be able to make him see reason, but he seemed to be fully complicit in the matter. The dorm leaders might be somewhat capable if they worked together, but they’d have no motive for that, other than to torment you further.

Getting angry and yelling wouldn’t solve anything here. You had to be smart about it. “Tsunotarou, I can’t stay here. You know that,” you reasoned. “I have responsibilities to take care of. Besides, wouldn’t you grow tired of me? Everyone else did, after all.” You surprised yourself with how true your sentiments were. Maybe you harbored more negative feelings about all of this than you’d realized.

Naturally you were pissed that everyone turned on you, but you’d never really stopped to think about how lonely you’d been. Even your professors would hardly give you the time of day. You didn’t even know what you possibly could’ve done to set them off. Grim and the ghosts were the only ones whose attitudes never changed; but it wasn’t the same.

Malleus was pouting; there was simply no other way to describe the look on his face. “Surely you don’t mean that; not after everything they’ve done,” he quipped. Was he serious? In what way did he think you’d enjoy being trapped inside one tiny room for who knows how long?

“Yes. I do. And I don’t appreciate you taking away my freedom like this. If you really cared about me, you’d respect my wishes.” You hoped appealing to his emotions would work, no, you needed it to work. If it didn’t, you weren’t sure how long your sanity would last.

“I do care about you, Child of Man,” he objected. “Can’t you see that’s why I’m doing this? It isn’t safe out there. You’ll get hurt by those vile beings you once called friends.” He spat out that last word, like they were undeserving of the title. You didn’t know how to feel about that.

There was one thing you did know, however: this man was delusional. He’d gone paranoid with worries for your safety, even though he knew nothing just hours ago and was fine. He’d always been a little possessive, you’d noticed, but you’d brushed it off as him being afraid of losing his one and only friend. Now this? This was a whole new level.

Ah, but then you remembered. Malleus knew about most of the bullying, but not all of it. You doubted Lilia would’ve tattled on his own dorm members. You smiled, catching him off guard. “But am I any safer in here? I bet you don’t know, after all. You don’t know how Sebek would beat me in the halls, how Silver watches me everywhere I go. It’s creepy; I don’t like it. And I’m sure Lilia didn’t tell you how he tries to poison me with his cooking,” you listed calmly, as if you were having an ordinary conversation.

“They WHAT?!” Malleus shouted. “LILIA! SILVER! SEBEK! GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!” You flinched; he was usually so calm, you didn’t expect him to suddenly yell like that. It was good that he believed you, not that you were lying. You didn’t have a backup plan.

As the unfortunate trio entered the room, you made your way over to the door. You thought you’d managed to slip out unnoticed, but Lilia shot you a wink. Did that mean he’d keep his mouth shut about your escape? You could only hope.

You ran through the halls, Malleus’s shouting covering up the sounds of your footfalls. You knew this place like the back of your hand, so you weren’t at risk of getting lost. The only question was how long the lecture would last. If you were lucky, Lilia would buy you some time, but you wouldn’t count on it.

And then, at last, you were safe, on the other side of the portal. You were totally winded, after having had the run of your life. Everything seemed great, but then you heard a voice.

“Oya? What do we have here? What were you doing in Diasomnia, prefect?” Jade asked with a definitely fake smile like he didn’t know exactly what you were doing in Diasomnia. Oh, great. Azul was with him too. How… lovely. Staying with Malleus was starting to sound like it wasn’t so bad after all. No, nevermind. It was definitely worse.

taglist (CLOSED): @twistedcece @slxt4h1m @teawhere @pleasehugmeaether @reivelmin @aoiyx @trashlanternfish360 @probablynoposts @d3sperate-enuf @mono273 @help-whatdoimakemyusername @justuraverageeverydaydegenerate @im-here-for-the-fun-of-it

[before-it-felt-like-a-sin]

Dating Natalie Scatorccio Headcanons <3

She's literally my wife!! I eat these up btw.

I feel like she's like very protective but never possessive. Like she isn't clingy most of the time but if you're like "hey babe that guy's being weird" she's got her arm around you and doesn't let you out of her sight

She tries her damn best not to sexualize you because of the way she'd been treated in the past

But she does love a good low-cut top (who doesn't tbh)

She's totally into you like stealing her necklaces and earrings. She pretends to be pissed but secretly she thinks you look so cool

She also bought a sweatshirt that was wayyy too big for her specifically for you to steal. She acts like she didn't buy it for you but you know she did and you appreciate the sentiment

Natalie definitely steals your t-shirts and sweatshirts. Like you lend one to her to sleep in ONE TIME and soon enough you have to go out and essentially buy a new wardrobe

I wouldn't say she's shy about your relationship, but she isn't like screaming from the rooftops about it

Like the entire team didn't know you were together for months

Speaking of, she's a PDA hater. Like the most she'll do is lean on your shoulder in front of anyone she knows (she has a reputation!!)

Not to say she isn't WHIPPED though because you know she's down bad

Like all over you whenever you're alone. She's just a very private person.

Omg omg omg

Smoking with her

Totally imagining that you've never smoked before and she like teaches you how to roll one and you're like "she's so hot"

AND THEN

SHE LIKE CUPS YOUR FACE AS SHE LIGHTS IT and your brain short-circuits

"You good, pretty girl" and you're just silent and she's like "babe" "I'm fine." "You sure" "yup"

She's worried she broke you for a second

She also def does your makeup in her little emo bitch way but you kinda live for it

Sometimes you do hers too

Once you gave her like pink sparkly eyeshadow and she wore it to a party and everyone thought she was dying

She pulled it off though

Nicknames are a must. Like not only does she find a way to give you like 10 nicknames based on your real name, she also calls you shit like "pretty girl" and "princess"

Half the time though they're only used to make fun of you

Which she does all the time

Like she loves to tease you

Cannot be serious to save her life

But if you're sad she's like "what's wrong how do I help what do you want me to do"

And immediately you're like "🥰🤭" because how can you be upset when your girlfriend is right there being that sweet

Although sometimes when it's particularly shitty, you just like bury your head in her neck and she's like "😶😳" but she pretends to be so chill about it even though you literally feel her pulse speed up

Constantly complementing you. Like one time you said something like "idk I don't feel pretty :(" and then every time she sees you look in the mirror for too long or like trace your stretch marks she's like "you're so pretty baby" or "pretty girl" or "gorgeous"

Speaking of the stretch marks

She loves them. Like you wear a cropped shirt and she jus stares

For a while you were like "oh she hates them" until one day she just started absentmindedly tracing them and you realized she thought they were gorgeous

She also def kisses them any chance she gets. Like yall are just watching TV and she's lying on your stomach and she just gives one a little kiss

Using your thighs as a pillow >>>>>

Like she just lies on them and you play with her hair

Which she loves

Like you French braid it one time for a game and she now asks you to do it every day

And who are you to say no

MIXTAPES or if it's more modern she makes playlists

Like one for every major event with a mix of her fave songs and yours

I also think she's clumsy asf

Like constantly covered in random bruises and scrapes

And since she's pale as hell the bruises are so prominent

She can't drive. Like she's such a passenger princess

And if she could drive you wouldn't want her to

You help her paint her nails

Once you have her sparkles on the middle finger and she thought it was funny as hell

I think she's surprisingly a good cook

Like yall never go out for dates because she likes cooking for you and you like watching her

Like that's the only time she's not clumsy

She attempts to learn Italian but only remembers curse words and like pet names

And you don't really know which is which because she didn't tell you

She never yells when she's upset. She doesn't want to be her dad

Like any disagreement is a decently civil conversation

I mean there's a lot of cursing and angry tones but it's not a fight. It's a disagreement

She was very worried to meet your friends but they all love her

And she was also worried for you to meet her friends. Not because she thought you wouldn't like them or they wouldn't like you but because she was worried you'd be uncomfortable

But you like the whole team and they've never made you feel weird

Van constantly teases her about you though

I feel like Nat isn't much of a reader but she loves listening to you talk about books. And if you read to her? Oh it's over

She loves listening to you in general tbh. I think she's not a huge talker but you just yap on and on and she's just listening so intently

But when she does want to talk about something... you hang from her lips like nothing else matters

Her voice is like such a weakness to you and she knows it

When she needs reassurance she's horrible at saying so but she gets kind of quiet

After a while you just started pulling her in for hugs or kisses or whatever because she's such a physical touch girlie

And she melts every time

I also feel like she never initiates kisses but she loooves taking charge of them

Can you tell I'm insane for her yes or no

[ceoandslutler]

have you heard kuro dubbed in any language other than english? or in any other asian language other than korean or chinese? well i found a persian one and it's so fucking bad that it's hilarious.

(also stay tuned to find out why the persian dub of kuroshitsuji being so bad has directly to do with anti-shipping sentiment and puritanism)

i would like to politely invite anyone who's ethnically from/lives in/speaks the language of a country with an ultraconservative government to contribute to this post if they know a dub of kuro (fandub or licenced by a company) in their language to contribute to this post (agree or disagree that policing media causes a drop in its quality and accessibility in other countries) but let's keep it civil. if you are not from a country like this but have something to say, feel free to add anything on, the conversation is open to all :)

so i just heard the homemade persian dub of kuro's first ep made by some young people who sound like they're in uni (probs 18-23 yr olds), tears have been flowing from my eyes for the past 20 mins

(link under the cut)

to save time, go watch the bits i linked below or just laugh at the whole thing (full link) but don't blame these kids for being awful at this or just skip to the end of the post. as i said, there is a reason this dub is so bad and no official dub exists and it has to do with... anti subculture?!?*

but first, the funny stuff

ciel's voice is awful but just listen to the goofy dub laugh seb's va did at the start I'M FUCKING SOBBING (00:15-00:35), and also not ciel's va MOANING after the op song (2:35) ??? i REPEAT the woman who VA'd ciel was fucking MOANING, the YAWN was the worst part, dub team shotacons???

also SHEEL FANTOMHAYO?? THE KID'S NAME WAS DUBBED AS SHEEL FANTOMHAYO. (refer to 6:30 in the video linked)

now this isn't because we lack a 's' in our language (my alias is literally a persian name meaning shadow aka ✦sayé✦), we've just transliterated it as shiyel, but SHEEL???

the other guy calls him fantomhayo too (8:25) and the fantomhayo condition strikes again with sebastian's va talking about the fantomhayo hospitality at 12:40 ish in the video.

this is particularly bizarre because we do have a V in persian, please guys, use it!

please note: i have nothing but good things to say about finny's va... the way the va says "sebaastiyaan!" (12:43) is so cute <3

at 13:00, we get this golden crumb "meyrin... oh meyrin" from this college aged dude doing sebastian (who is SO lost) then he proceeded to say in persian "i beg you, ON MY LIFE, just pour the fucking wine in the glass and walk away" save me from the bad dub, ono daisuke, save me...

the furnace scene is just gold (18:50 onward is comical, the scream at the end... priceless), these people deserve an award, im tempted to do subs on this whole video because the translation is so wrong yet absolutely too hilarious to leave untranslated. also, i like how you can hear other people talking in the background constantly, they didn't even bother finding a quiet room 😭😭

finally i translated some of the best comments under the vid (everyone fuckin hated it 😭)

..tldr: irani/persian speaking netizens are brutal. but also, it shows that persian speakers are used to quality dubbing, otherwise this wouldn't be so offensive. if we were used to badly done dubs, the comments wouldn't look like this. many famous kdramas and jdramas and indian/turkish films have been dubbed. animated movies e.g. disney films and most commonly 70-80s anime have huge followings in iran and were dubbed extraordinarily well. in fact, in iran, many of our own films are dubbed especially if the original footage did not capture the audio well enough/the director was unhappy with the actor's delivery and it's usually hard to tell if this has happened because it's done very well. shockingly, dub is more popular than sub. so why does kuro not have an official dub? why is the fandub so bad???

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING

*IMPORTANT: an anime like this is not allowed to be legally dubbed by studios in iran because iran is under an islamic theocracy (the islamic republic) and all media that promotes devil worshipping and blasphemy is banned, homosexuality is too (anyone can tell kuro has homoerotic undertones, the homophobic heads of media would never let this queer gothic romance through). oh and trans people are "allowed" on TV but only if they're not vulgar/explicit (not even then, half the time) & grelle would not make it into the anime AT ALL. even if we ignore all the devil worshipping and queerness, sex is banned too (as well as lewd appearances of women), so season 1/2 & boc would never make it. oh and alcohol, bom would never make it. oh and also, women's empowerment is banned too so boa would never make it. when will it end? will someday everything be banned? sure looks like it. but isn't this what anti shippers want? i mean kuro IS problematic media, it never condemns people for having sex or partaking in drinks, not even murder is condemned.

moving on, the subtitled version of the episodes are very well done for what they are but it's still not good, you won't understand what's going on properly. meanings are lost. a dub is much more accessible to those who can't read subs and generally a necessary option. people NEED dubs. don't get me wrong, the iranian fansub team are dedicated however subs are much easier for fans to do than dubbing. as you heard, kuro's persian fandub was frankly terrible. these kids didn't even know how to pronounce ciel's name and it's NOT because of the language barrier, my theory is that because the internet access is so limited, they had to figure out how to pronounce ciel's name purely from the japanese original or another lang dub and had no access to the eng dub. as you can see, they are not able to follow the mouth movements either (don't have editing software); i assume the internet restrictions targeted streaming platforms w the dub on it (because the government wants to CONTROL what media people consume) so they had to figure everything out from japanese or another language, (they probably used another fandub to translate since the ed seems to credit the eng vas while they can never be heard in the bg) which is not easy. unfortunately english is taught in schools around the world not japanese so the dubbers' translation was quite honestly terrible- after all, they had no official script to base their translation off. BUT if a professional dubbing studio (e.g. iran's glory entertainment) got their hands on kuro, it'd probably be dubbed very well. if mehrdad raissi, CEO of glory, was on for seb's role, it would be glorious (pun intended). if he did flynn rider well, he can do sebs well too. but that studio often has their shows played on state televisions and the last thing they want is to get blacklisted and arrested for dubbing the gay demon butler anime. please do not take this fandub as representing all persian-language dubs. and remember, kuro itself is banned for being problematic media in counties like iran... no sebaciel needed (although anyone can definitely see the gay undertones to the story from a cover alone).

if you want to ban people from shipping things or making fan works that are problematic... soon you'll have to get rid of problematic media in general. and already, antis sound like the media people in charge under a dictatorship. "violence is okay, murder is okay but s-sex?!? women in scandalous clothing!!! oh good heavens..!" this is the kind of mindset which leads people down the rabbit hole of "this is problematic!! let's ban it!!!" until there's nothing left, a slippery slope. imagine this was the english dub of kuro. imagine it was banned in western countries and a team of young'uns had to gang up and make their own dub using only the japanese raws. imagine problematic media like kuro wasn't picked up the west because it's "shota" and that's bad. we'd be stuck looking at the same sanitised stuff and if we wanted to watch kuro, our options would be trash dubs (no offense) like this one. pretty scary to think this could be the state of the english dub if puritanism was as bad here as it is in countries like iran. policing media and deciding what creators should or shouldn't create will take you to the side of theocratic dictatorships and you will fall into alt right puritan lunacy, fanpoll are about as woke as a dictatorship, remember that.

don't sound like this:

NEVER sound like this.

it is clear that conditional freedom is no freedom at all. there should be zero criteria to the media we want to create, no religion or purity culture to it. just be media literate. let nobody control what you want to create or consume! (or you'll end up in a world where the media that is deemed "problematic" is maintained but only through underground circles, losing quality and accessibility day by day, until these channels are shut down too and only a sanitised husk of options for media consumption remain)

[vegasandhishedgehog]

Thinking about SandRay and past loves at this nightly hour.

There's really not much more I can cover on the story with Ray and Mew that anyone else hasn't, since their friendship is basically central to most of the drama. And honestly, it's too early to muse about the one between Sand and (presumably) Boeing. However! There is definitely a parallel that I'm surprised isn't brought up as much, at least from what I've seen so far.

Sand and Ray are both stuck on leftover feelings for someone else. Many of us have been so enamored by the way Sand has been good to Ray so far that him being the power behind some of the worst blows this episode was widely unexpected. Top's mere existence triggers this guy. Makes me think he did more than steal the ex. Whatever warrants Sand's wrath - the guy who falls for a mess like Ray and wants to save him first from a place of caring for his fellow man and second from a romantic one - has gotta be some pretty nasty shit.

The fact is, whatever sentiments Sand holds for Boeing are still pretty strong. He can act all nonchalant about his affairs both past and current, but there's a special sort of rancor toward how things ended with that one, and he's anything but casual about it. If he and Ray are going to sort anything out between each other, they will have to untangle themselves from their remaining feelings for Boeing and Mew.

The friends though? Lol, they're screwed. Sand has waged war on the man who has already unravelled any string holding this so-called close-knit group together, and demons run when a good man goes to war. And you best bet that these following episodes are full of demons running.

[superblycaffeinated]

So, first of all, ummm thank you?? I teared up when I first read this, and definitely did while responding too. Also, thanks for your patience in literally a whole year for this? AND, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite write a fic for it, just some more general musings on the subject? I’m gonna dive quite a bit more into Rachel/Zach and all of the adults with Zach in my little baby Zach series, so I hope that answers more of this, when the time comes but for now...

So, I think I share the same sentiments as many that by the end of UWS, Rachel has grown to love Zach quite a bit. He’s one of her ducklings, one of the many people she cares deeply and strongly for. 

However, I think she absolutely had similar thoughts as Abby for quite awhile - she just approached them in a sort of way only Mom Rachel Morgan could. And maybe she didn’t trust Zach because of his mom, or his school, or a long list of reasons, but I honestly think it comes down to one very simple thing:

He was a teenage boy. 

And like, I don’t think Rachel was gonna be head over heels about her daughter seeing Zach, or any boy for that matter - BUT she’s Rachel and knows that it’s pointless to tell her daughter (or any of those girls) no about something like seeing a boy. I mean, basically the first rule of teenage girlhood is to absolutely date the bad boy your parents tell you you’re forbidden to see. And maybe her and Abby discussed this - maybe they discussed it all. The mom, the school, the badboy of it all. Maybe Abby saw Rachel taking her little more lax approach (see why, below) and Abby said "nah, I'm the aunt who's had my fair share of leather jacket wearing smirking green eyed cuties at her age and I smell trouble and I'm going to say something about it."

Also, it’s not like Rachel has paperwork to do, or a whole giant school to run, or you know, this guy from her past who’s comparable to Indiana Jones all up in her business (who has his own secrets she wants to know BTW), but no, that’s not enough - she just had to spend an entire semester pretending like her daughter wasn’t sneaking out to see a boy, falling in love, and getting heartbroken. 

Which leads me to - Rachel just watched her daughter fall in love for the first time and then get her heart hurt. Why? Because she wanted to do this job more, than have a normal life with a boy. So, who is she to stand in the way of a boy Cammie could be with, if that’s what she wanted? A boy who knows her school and this life and dances a pretty mean waltz and hold on, did he just make her laugh actually? 

I think Zach being inside those walls, under her nose, with The Joe Solomon stamp of approval (I mean, who all have truly, really gotten this stamp? Matthew Morgan and....? Yeah. that's what I thought.) was all it really took to be honest. Did she jump for joy and open her arms immediately? No. She's Rachel. I think she had to do what Rachel does - learn more, observe, and most importantly, trust her gut. 

I think that when she looks at Zach, she gets a little sliver of open doorway into a part of Joe she doesn’t get to see often. I think she’s reminded that you are not your family if you don’t want to be, that your past doesn’t dictate your future, that first impressions can be misleading. I think Zach surprises Rachel, just like Joe did, and continues to surprise her, and surprising Rachel Morgan is impressive, and no easy feat. 

But, the most important thing that I think of in terms of Rachel approving of Zach?

She watched that kid fall head over heels in love with her daughter - protect her, defend her, risk everything to save her and be with her, breakdown because of her - but still get up and fight for her...

Rachel loves Zach because Zach loves Cammie, and it's as simple as that at the end of the day 💙

[3rddimension]

Wow just like Ian's episode, today's Anthony episode of the Smoshcast is the best. I love hearing about Smosh history and bts stuff.

-Shayne's story about how Anthony said goodbye to him the last shoot day he had before leaving already make me emo, but Anthony revealing that he had specifically chased him to the parking lot to say goodbye BROKE ME, even S was emotional finding that out. He's been remembering and telling this story one way this whole time, and now there's a whole new layer

-Hearing Shayne talk about how he feels like Anthony's exit in 2018 took the pressure off of the Pit Squad, because the higher-ups were focusing on Smosh main. And how that allowed the cast to make the most fresh pit content lead by Sarah!!! How they became bonded and their friendship truly shined and that's what the dna of Smosh always had been since Ian and Anthony. I've always felt that way about that era of Smosh Pit but it's so special to hear it coming from him, and to realize that the cast (and C and S alone) probably have reflective convos about the past in this detailed manner

-Fascinating to hear S say that the recent half scripted half non-scripted Smosh Main content felt at some point like Smosh Pit second channel to them. I never thought of it that way but he's so right. Shows like funeral roasts, exes interviews and reading Dms/dating profiles do have Pit dna. Like the improve in a contained setup feels very Smosh Pit theatre. That used to be the channel youd go to see the cast's personalities and different brands of comedy interact through improve and fun. Smosh Main was always scripted/sketch. He's basically re-enforcing the idea that they were unsure what direction to go with after EBE, and they sort of leaned towards Pit type content because that was their star child and best performing channel which is insane and makes me happy. Now all is as it should be with Smosh Main being scripted sketch and any improv shows or vids should be on Pit. With Games being all types of games

-i love Shayne reminding people that it was truly Ian who saved Smosh, Rhett and Link stepped in and provided a second chance to the channel. But Ian was the one carrying Smosh through it so he should get the credit. Absolutely king dad 👑 also all the observations about Ian and his leading style and his persistence and his comedy were so sweet, Ian isn't the most sentimental guy esp when talking about himself but his coworkers and friends clearly see the value and good in him, he deserves the world

-i love this trio, Anthony sounds super profound and introspective which is refreshing, Shayne is a very empathetic person and a great listener and Amanda is so charismatic and joyful. I love seeing her learn about Smosh and the folklore behind it all, she's on the podcast representing the viewer basically,fangirling and learning bts things in real time with us

-I'm so excited about Anthony revealing that 1) Ian and Anthony are gonna launch a podcast, I love them and their friendship and I'm sure at some point they're gonna be able to pull the craziest guests. And 2) he revealed that part of their business plan is to figure out how each cast member shines and give them a show/format in which they can portray that. Clearly that's what we've been seeing with ot3 (Damien swordaf, Shayne reddit and smoshcast, Courtney's new pit endeavors coming up), it's good to have confirmation that that's a priority

Damn, thanks for the writeup anon! I watched it last night too and it's such a good episode. Gonna add smosh tag on this one. Here's the video if you wanted to watch the whole thing!

[suratan-zir]

Remember I shifted the responsibility to you? Y'all got me into trouble.

this is yet another post about rats, I'm sorry

About a week ago, I was feeling exceptionally anxious and overall unwell, so I did what I typically do to make things even worse. I looked through the rat ads online and found what I was looking for. In a city next to my town, a classic case of a rat in a tiny prison cell. Most likely bought for a child who got bored of it, either because it's not as cute anymore, its claws are too sharp, it smells bad or whatever the reason is. I've rescued quite a few of such unfortunate rats in the past. My most beloved rat of all times, Bambook, the little guy on my user icon, once was rescued from these conditions:

(yes, I keep the old screenshots because I'm sentimental like that)

So when I saw this post, my brain went like "this will be Bambook number two, same age, same conditions, even at the same price! I'll save him, love him and finally, after over a year of grieving, will let Bambook go"

(mind you, this rat is only 4-5 months old, very skinny and weighs 300 grams. Adult males can weight from 600 to 700 grams on average. Yet in this cage he looks big because of how small it is)

I went to that city, two teenage girls, who were looking kinda scared for some reason, handed me this tiny boy. I was asked to bring "a box or something" because "the cage is sold separately". I brought a carrier that was probably bigger than the torture devise they call a "cage".

I could barely talk to them, they started almost running away immediately after handing me the rat. Initially I didn't think much of it, I'm sort of used to people being scared of me. I'm told that I have a weird gloomy, unfriendly look on my face. But they probably wanted to get rid of him before I notice...

On the way home the rat was sweet and gentle, licking my hands and enjoying being petted. But when we got home…oh boy. I always knew that male rats can exhibit hormonal aggression, especially at the age of 6-8 months. But in the years of keeping rats, I never ever encountered such aggression towards humans. Guess I was just lucky.

At first he's cute and cuddly, calm even, then something switches inside his brain and in an instant he goes into killing mode. He attacks not only hands, he bites even knees and thighs, basically every body part he can reach. Then he calms down and demands pets again. He not only bites, but thinks I'm his bitch. After what he did to my hands and knees, they might be pregnant… The girls mentioned that he lived with another rat before they moved him to that cage. I assume it was a female and he mated with her, which made him even more hormonal.

So, everyone, meet Skritch. He went to horny jail and they stole his balls.

Also, the photo where he's stoned is the best photo I have of him, because he won't stop moving.

Skritch is smart, sweet and very friendly whenever he's not attacking me.

He was neutered only yesterday, so it is too early to judge the changes in his behavior. But he no longer bites my hand in the cage, even when we wrestle, which is a huge improvement. But unfortunately, he still didn't pass the couch test. (couch is the place where he gets most aggressive, probably because of the smells of other rats)

He attacked me only once today, the result you can see on the video, it's not nearly as bad as his bites were before. And after that, as always, he acted all innocent and affectionate and fell asleep by my side.

I already love him so much, even if he's a menace. But I am so not looking forward to introducing him to my other boys. Something tells me it's not gonna be easy.

[problemswithbooks]

It’s so obvious hori only has no problem with killing off non lov villains, if it’s hero or lov they all got ridiculous amounts of plot armor. stain getting killed off by afo is exactly what I expected, how else can hori show that afo is not just a punching bag for every damn hero of every level? look! afo can actually kill someone super easy!

sorry, just can’t find this exciting

Yeah, I totally agree.

As I said in my previous post I always expected Stain to die (or just be forgotten about/thrown back jail). I was never someone who thought my fav would have a happy ending. In most media I consume my favorite character is usually a low level villain that gets killed, so I'm more then used to it. Him dying isn't my issue--it's how lazy and little story impact it had.

Some of my other favorite characters that have died have been Greed, and Kimblee from FMA, Nnoitra and Tesla from Bleach and Han'nya from Rurouni Kenshin.

All of these had deaths that either matter plot wise or were given emotional impact. None of these characters are particularly big players when it comes to screen time, especially Han'nya and Tesla who were essentially side-kicks. Yet, their deaths are given a decent focus and/or effect the plot/themes of the work.

Hori did try--I will give him that. He did have Stain think something somewhat sentimental and sort of pray, but it's just not really enough. All might wanted to save him, sure, but after he gets killed, All Might is then the main focus and his death is pretty much dropped. It doesn't effect All Might and why should it when Stain wasn't really given much personality besides 'crazy guy' even right before he died.

And I saw that someone said in my last post, I was jumping the gun and Stain could be alive--which, yeah, I guess Hori could pull another Gran Torino and hand-wave him back from what clearly looked like his upper body being turned into mush, but why would he?

The reason I think Stain is super dead is because he's so unimportant. Hori has given him zero story value. Even him helping the Heroes with Info was rendered pointless because Star reset the clock for them. Nor has he done anything to expand his character past 'insane murder man'. Heck, I'd argue he actually had more nuance when he first showed up then he did in his last chapter, that continued to paint him as an All Might obsessed weirdo (which isn't me saying he shouldn't hold AM up as an ideal, but maybe not have him remember his scent and sniff rocks--he could have just watched and seen which blood was AfO's).

There's very little reason to bring him back in, especially since he has no Quirk and would be super injured. The only reason to have him pop back up alive is to save All Might again and get a slightly better death scene. But then the one we just watched is rendered even worse because it was a waste of time.

And I guess Hori could just say he survived at the very end, but again what would be the point? To go back to jail? I don't see anyone but the main LoV getting off scot-free, so this would only make the situation look worse, since Stain actually tried to the Heroes (twice) and gets prison time, meanwhile the LoV who were helping AfO up until the very last minute get nothing. It would be equally weird to have him just pop up at the end and get a panel saying he was also rehabilitated when Hori never painted him as anything but a crazy killer. Like it'd need a bit more of an explanation, then i think Hori wants to spend time on.

IDK, I just think he could have given Stain's death a bit more oomph--mainly by giving a little flashback to his childhood. It would have helped with the theme of villains having been kids once, while also showcasing how much AM mattered to him.

But I guess we'll see how things go. Maybe Hori will surprise us and have Stain do something in the vestige world because AfO stole his Quirk. I doubt it but who the hell knows, Hori is unpredictable.

[hanchette]

𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔: ( kabaneri of the iron fortress ikoma )

a/n :3 to the anon who was asking for more ikomaa, he's a forehead kisser guy too 👀 just saying also i only got like 5 headcannon of him atm

consist of : fluff, established relationship, gender neutral reader — relationship headcannons

𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐌𝐀, ever so loving ikoma who is past oblivious but also observant—cannot help his adoration towards you. the mere presence of you alleviate all his worries at the same time heightens them to a degree where he just feels the need to dote on you and your safety.

he fusses over you more than you think but discreetly-not-discreet, like when you were walking off the train, ikoma cannot help but look after you by asking about you on his every way to those he encounter that has seen you while he completes his errand.

“did you have fun on the market?” he asks you while embracing your waist, pulling you towards his—though his hug is firm, it is also loose enough for you to wiggle out whenever you feel uncomfortable. ikoma listens to you tell your tale on how you made your merry way through the town. “mmh, i did hear that kurusu saw you by a store looking at their products.” he'd casually brought up on your conversations while smiling at you, because you knew that it was his own way of looking after you.

ikoma who gets flustered when you initiate romantic things with him. he can't help it! despite being so cool whenever he does it, he can't seem to keep that same cool when you reciprocate said gestures.

“a-ah.. no—i'm not blushing..” he pauses “okay maybe i am but because you did that!” poor man cannot get enough of it though, secretly wants you to do romantic gestures over and over again.

makes you trinkets and inventions that may help you in your daily needs but there are times when he just creates what he deem can make you smile.

“here,” ikoma closes your hands that's clasped beneath him, a soft smile on his face as he leans forward to brush his lips on your forehead, “a gift.” his cupped hands opening your at the same time only for a melody to hum all around you, you welcome the lull the same time when ikoma presses his forehead against yours, for now, this shall be something shared between the two of you. a sentimental moment that shall not be forgotten.

i can feel it in my bones that he's someone who drops compliments like it's an everyday word then becomes pleased whenever your expression drops into something other than a nonchalant one.

knuckles brushing your cheek all of a sudden, you bare your eyes only to see ikoma grinning boyishly, tilting his head to admire you. “beautiful.”

ikoma who also becomes intrigued on pinky promises with you and only you, fluff + angst but it's his way to cope that you'll be alright, sure he can fight for you but a promise as such can calm his erratic heart whenever the kabane finds their way

he twists your pinkies together, a call for you that safety is priority. a silent vow to keep yourself safe and that whenever you're in danger, he'll come and find you no matter where. ikoma then untwist them, throwing you a soft smile before running with to the frontier to take down the kabane that dare to intrude.

you still vividly remember when you showed him what intertwining pinkies mean, “a promise. ” he whispers, replaying what you've said, “then, can you promise me this?” he murmurs as he gazes at you “my heart is yours as long as it beats, that's why, whenever you are in trouble I'll find you and save you no matter what and no matter where.” ikoma spreads your hands, his palm on yours like he's comparing your hand sizes, “i won't lose you. i cannot afford to. so please, just this once, promise me this.”

[angel-is-not-creative]

Assassination Classroom

alright I have to start this by being sentimental first. This is the last post we're all gonna be making you guys :( personally I'm sad as this has been like my favorite class ever. It has been so amazing getting to hear from all of you and I've been exposed to so many beautiful pieces of media. This class is forever something I will bring up in any conversation and has made an actual impact on me. I know it is unlikely we will run into each other in the future considering the amount of you that are computer science or engineering majors but I hope my Hetalia blog post made a lasting enough impact in your brain that you may remember me, thanks for putting up with my takes and just being a really fun group of people ❤ (I won't be taking the exam with y'all so Wednesday will be the last time I see you all and I will be sad about it because I'm emotional)

okay now on to the actual show!

I have seen bits and pieces of this show but I've never sat down and watched the whole thing, and I still haven't cause I only had enough time to watch the assigned episodes.

This show has a lot of the same themes of shows that we watched previously. A few that I noticed are Psycho-Pass and Eden of the East. This show and Psycho-pass share the similar theme of "if you tell someone they are something they are bound to become it". Within this show, these kids have been seemingly abandoned by the education system. Every person at this school seems to hate class-E for no apparent reason. They are viewed as violent, dumb, and worthless by every other class and even the educators. They are being set up to fail, and their fate has been set for them at 14.

In regards to Eden of the East, this show also shares the similarity of kinda pinning the responsibility of saving the world on other people (also many of the shows we watch rely on children to save the world like Sailor Moon, Gundam, Evangelion). Despite literally having no faith in Class-E to do anything successfully, they put the fate of the entire planet in their hands. If these kids cannot kill their teacher every single person will die, and yet people still don't seem to be rooting for them.

They also have to work considerably harder to do satisfactorily on exams, as their education in the past has been lacking since no teacher ever gave them a real chance. With everyone against them, they still managed to rank themselves at the same level as Class-A, proving their ability despite what others may believe they are capable of.

Overall I think this was a pretty good watch and I will likely get around to finishing it.

[logicalstansadvice]

You guys are bad fans. He doesn't want to be there, this man is being forced by his agency to be in this PR relationship to promote this talentless girl. If you were a real fan you would be calling them out but no you don't care about him in order to save Sebastian but you hate him.

Vamp - assuming this is not sarcasm, I need you to write up a PR brief for me outlining the strategy used to promote this relationship.

Based on what has been presented in the past year to the general public, please summarize: the core objective of this "fake" relationship, target audience, messaging & moments, media buys, channel mix, etc.

How are the KPI's tracking for this campaign? Here you can provide audience engagement numbers (just go to a post either of them has made on SM that features this relationship and divide the number of likes by their follower numbers). Compare to industry benchmark.

Roughly, what is the share of voice for this campaign compared to other celebrity relationships?

Audience engagement?

Sentiment scores?

Media coverage?

Honestly.

If this is a PR relationship - either real or fake - it's a piss-poor attempt by, I would assume to be professional PR strategists and they should all be fired.

But then again, what do I know....I'm just a bad fan.

[gay-cryptidz]

The Comfort Between Your Scars

Chapter 11

TW: referenced past character death

Without the board games and the movie to distract him, Noah became increasingly aware of the disconnect between him and the brothers, or, more specifically, Tommy. Him and Joel were already chatting away and bickering and so very comfortable with each other again the moment the girls had left.

Talking to strangers who knew nothing about Noah was easy, at least that way he could pretend to be someone he wasn't, hide behind a facade, show them exactly what he wanted them to see. Talking to Mari and Alex was even easier, he didn't need to worry about how to present himself or what to say around them at all.

It was the gray area in between that scared him.

He'd excused himself to go check on Jamie, who was sleeping soundly in Joel's bed, after zoning out and losing track of the conversation. After pausing to take another deep breath and placing a kiss on his little brother's forehead, he made his way back to the living room.

Joel and Tommy were on the sofa, filling three wine glasses. Maybe he'd feel a little less out of place with some liquid courage.

"How come I always end up being the one to sponsor our drinks? Seems to be a bit of a pattern by now", he joked.

"It's 'cause you're such a gentleman!", Joel grinned.

"Yeah, yeah. You owe me"

He sat down next to Joel, grabbing a glass and taking a big sip.

"Damn, it's not even that good. Should have taken the cheaper one, what a waste of, like, ten bucks", he chuckled.

"I see how it is, I'm not even worth the extra ten bucks to you"

Joel laughed when Noah gave him a light shove. They all sat in silence for a moment, assessing the taste of the not-worth-the-extra-ten-bucks wine, before agreeing it really wasn't that good, but it would do.

"So, Noah", Tommy started, "Tell me about yourself"

"Tell you what?", Noah snorted.

"Well, anything. I've heard bits and pieces from Joel and Mari but I haven't really had the chance to actually talk to you"

"Y'know, at least Joel worked hard for this information! He didn't know shit about me until after he heroically burst through a door to save me from a drunk guy I'd already beaten the shit out of. I mean, there was nothing more for him to do, but 'A' for effort!"

"Well, if the opportunity arises, I'll gladly try to save you by doing nothing", Tommy laughed.

"In all seriousness though, you know just about as much as you need to. Dad's gone, mom's out of the picture, when it got really bad, I took Jamie and Mari and left." It was almost the same shrugged-off recap Noah had given Joel a few weeks earlier. It was far from the full truth, of course, but he didn't exactly feel like recapping every traumatic memory of his life.

"Oh god, right, your dad... actually, sorry, you probably don't wanna talk about it. Mari told me earlier that he- well, she told me what happened"

'It's your fault'

Noah just shrugged and repeated his sentiment of 'not much to talk about'. Thankfully, Joel didn't ask and Tommy didn't push the topic.

'Are you happy now?'

Noah took another sip of wine, attempting to push the resurfacing images and sounds away. Joel and Tommy were miles away now.

'Even if you didn't mean to, you're the reason this happened'

Just calm down. Breathe.

'You're the reason I'm even in this situation'

Just say something, anything.

"I mean, I hardly remember him, really. Certainly didn't waste a second missing that asshole"

Tap, tap, tap on cold, hard tiles.

"Noah, we don't need to-"

"Messed up my mom pretty good, though. Well, I guess she was messed up already. Hates my guts, always did"

'It's your fault. Look at it, look what you did!'

"Hated his guts too, actually. So did I, for a while. I mean, things weren't exactly perfect but if he didn't- just, y'know, I was fine until-"

Stop talking. Just shut up. Say something about the weather or ask about work or-

Tap, tap, tap, never stopping. Glass of blood in his hands. Tap, tap, tap. Blood on his hands.

Tap, tap, tap on his shoulder and he snapped out of it.

"Hey, you alright?", Joel asked softly.

"Sorry, I really didn't mean to upset you or anything. Won't bring it up again." Tommy looked very lost all of a sudden.

Noah downed about half of his wine at once before saying anything.

"It's fine, just... been a long day"

Their faces were wrong. They didn't seem real. Just that little bit off.

"I'm just gonna go get some fresh air"

He didn't leave them time to respond, already halfway out the door. He should just go to bed. Everything, every activity, every conversation, seemed to eventually turn bitter today. Instead, he sat down on the steps and lit a cigarette.

This was a mistake. This whole thing. He never should have befriended Joel, never should have invited him to hang out in the break room, never should have agreed to go to this god damn birthday party.

It didn't take long for Joel to quietly sit down next to him, of course.

"I'm fine, just needed some fresh air"

He stared at his cigarette burning down ever so slowly as the seconds ticked away in his head.

"Well, it's just that you practically ran out of the room right after coming back so i felt like I should probably check and make sure"

Tap, tap, tap.

The soft glow seemed ever so welcoming. Deep breath, everything's fine. He rubbed his face, sighing.

"Sorry, just... a lot going on today. My brain gets a little weird. I guess it's always weird but you know"

"Anything I can do?"

"No, I don't think so"

After a few moments of silence, Noah could feel Joel's hand softly grazing his own on the cold stone between them. The gesture was careful, almost shy. He hesitated for just a second before offering his hand to Joel, who gently took it in his, entwining their fingers. Noah internally cursed at himself for the tingle it sent down his spine.

Do not fall for him. You don't do relationships. Stop being an idiot.

"The stars are nice today."

"Yeah."

<< Beginning | < Previous | Next > | Read on Ao3

[space-blue]

I love reading your opinions! What about 13, 17? (for any fandom) and 19 for Avatar?

Oh, well, you're making me blush there... (and also sigh with relief, as work was very quiet, and having a long ask to craft was a great distraction, so thank you!)

13 — worst blorboficiation

Mmh, this is a tough one, because I think there's no bad blorbofication. Like I touched on when talking about homogenization, people taking blorbo on crazy trips isn't an issue to me. Maybe a better term here would be woobifying

The best example I can think of within my fandoms is perhaps Thrawn? I'm going through a renaissance with him I guess... I'm watching rebels at long last and I can't wait for him to show up and make the Empire half-competent.

He's a very compelling character, but the new canon gives him an anti-hero slant, which I think is a little unfortunate, as fandom multiplies that into a bit of 'Thrawn did nothing wrong' and 'he's just a cute smartass doing his best'.

But Thrawn shines as a villain. Which he is. He aligns with the Empire for his interests. For the plans he designed. He does orbital bombings and closes his eyes on slavery and is mostly annoyed at the Death Star for being a stupid waste of resources and taking away from his own, better optimised death squadrons! He's. Not. A. Good. Guy. In legends he has a guy killed on his bridge for being incompetent.

And yeah it's the same bridge where this happens:

Now I know my own original First Fic™️ is Thrawn on holidays, and that I put it on hiatus before I got to the War Crimes™️, so it definitely looks like I'm part of that problem. It's just a general trend. Thrawn being cute with Eli. Thrawn being a harmless hottie. Thrawn being relatable. Thrawn saving his people with some hard logic and art appreciation.

Not enough Thrawn being the bad guy he canonically is. There is that out there though and it's great!! So it's not an actual complaint either.

17 — there should be more of this type of fic/art

For fic, actually gender-neutral readers, not fem readers hidden under a "GN Reader" tag. Your reader is not properly gender-neutral if they have curves, lush hair, full lips, etc. sometimes people try and it just slips past them. Sometimes you really feel like they just slapped the tag on without another thought.

It's hard when it comes down to smut, but it's not complicated to be fully neutral when you're dealing with gen fic. Which ties into another thing I'd love more of : second person GN reader fics that aren't smutty/horny but rather gen. I write them because I rarely find them, and I think they're fun. There's definitely an audience for it!

I don't have anything for art. I'm always happy to see people's work and don't have anything in particular I'm searching for when browsing a fandom. Just curious to see what's up, and happy with whatever I get.

19 — you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

Nice try. I'm not. I like what I like and I don't waste my time with any sort of misplaced shame.

It's not a diss at you! And I understand what prompts this question too. 'Oh no, I never meant to ship it, it's kind of icky, but...' is a common enough sentiment.

Not with me though. If I ship I ship, if I like I like. It's fiction. There's no room for shame or horror.

Thank you for your ask, it was a fun part of a long and empty shift x'D

[axvwriter]

A Gift for Deuce Spade

[This is a fanfiction of Deuce from the game Twisted Wonderland and me inserting my oc Bobo as the main character.]

Bobo had debated wearing the special outfit she always wore to Heartslabyul's unbirthday parties. Though she soon tossed that idea, she should use a different outfit for something as special as a birthday party. Bobo sighed, wishing she had thought about this before the actual day. Instead she had been so focused on preparing a gift for him, that she hadn't considered looking at her wardrobe.

"Enough standing around, Bobo! I don't want to be late!" Grim whined, entering their shared bedroom to collect the girl. Bobo sighed, turning to look at the direbeast.

"Sorry, I just wished I had something nice to wear..."

"What does it matter? It's not like Deuce would care. Come on, let's go or they'll serve the cake without us!" Grim impatiently went up to tug on her pant's leg. Bobo complied, closing her closet door to follow after him.

"I would be surprised if he threw a fit over me just wearing my school uniform, but it's fun to dress up for special occasions. Surely you can agree with that sentiment, after all you did like the ribbon I found for you to wear to the unbirthday parties." Bobo made sure to grab the present she prepared for Deuce before leaving the dorm building. She held it loosely behind her back as the odd pair headed to the hall of mirrors.

"Myaah, I guess so, but it's only expected for the great Grim to dress as an amazin' as I am!" Grim puffed out his chest, tail swishing slowly just like a happy cat would. Bobo held back a laugh, smiling as she eyed the raggedy ribbon he usually always wore.

"Indeed." Though despite the rips and holes the poor ribbon held at its ends, Bobo couldn't imagine replacing it. "You know, if you were willing to try saving up your portion of our allowance, maybe we could get you more ribbons."

"And miss out on tuna!? No way!" Grim instantly shot down the idea. He even shot Bobo a look, his face clearly showing how insane he thought she sounded. Not even looking back forward, Grim stepped through the mirror that would take them to the Heartslabyul dorm. Bobo shook her head, disappointed by his response.

"He just has to insist on spending all of his share on tuna... Not even different variations of food." Bobo muttered to herself before stepping through the portal. As she approached the rose garden, she caught sight of Grim briefly greeting Deuce. She could only guess he barely got out a "happy birthday" before running off to the snacks table.

"Wow, you've come to wish me a happy birthday? This day just keeps getting better!" Deuce brightened up upon seeing Bobo approaching. With how dismissive and speedy Grim was, he nearly thought Bobo had opted to not come. After all, the pair weren't inseparable. There were plenty of times that Grim would come to hang out all by himself.

"Of course I've come! Something terribly bad would have to happen before I miss one of my good friend's birthday parties!" Bobo gasped, somewhat surprised. As one of the first people to befriend her in this world, the idea of not coming sounded impossible.

"Oh, geez. I bet I've got the silliest grin on my face. I'm so happy I just can't help it." Deuce didn't want to admit aloud that he did think for a while that she would skip the event. For the past few days she had been keeping her distance from him and Ace.

"I'm glad to hear it." Bobo giggled and shifted her present to one hand so she could sling an arm around him for a brief hug. "Happy birthday, Deuce."

"Thanks a ton, Bobo! I'll do my best to keep being a guy worth celebrating." Deuce had returned the hug with both arms, causing him to bump the gift. He stepped back, surprise painting his face as a neatly wrapped box fell to the ground. Bobo bent down to scoop it back up, a bit annoyed that it was so easily knocked out of her hand.

"Worth celebrating? Deuce, you don't need to do anything to deserve having your birthday celebrated." Bobo chuckled as she held the box in front of her, brushing off any dirt that may have gotten on it. "Simply being born is enough of a reason to celebrate... well.. anyone."

"Is that for me?" Deuce couldn't help how the present was consuming his focus.

"Oh? No, it's for Trey." Bobo joked, even laughing as Deuce seemed to believe her as his face fell. "It's yours and it's from me. If Grim tries to claim it's from him as well... you should know he only signed the card." She pushed the box into his hands, causing him to light back up.

"Can I open it right now?" Deuce asked, his fingers twitching against the thin ribbon tied about the box.

"Well... I suppose you could if you don't want to wait. It's your birthday, so I say you get to choose when you open your gifts." Bobo gave an easy-going smile, but didn't wait to watch him open it. Instead she gave his shoulder a pat before heading in to make sure Grim wasn't causing a ruckus at the snacks table.

Deuce hesitated, uncertain if he should wait or not. Eventually he gave in and started ripping the wrapping paper and ribbon off. Bobo did say it was okay for him to open it. The first thing he saw was a birthday card which was just a piece of printer paper folded in half. It looked like Grim had tried to draw some sort of fish cake underneath the big printed letters saying "Happy Birthday, Spade!". He unfolded the paper to see what was written inside.

"Dear Spade, I haven't attended many birthday parties before, but from a few I've been to back home I have witnessed a bit of a small tradition. Some would grow a specific type of mushroom that the birthday person would remind them of and gift it to them. Though if the mushroom was of a dangerous kind to handle, they'd instead give a drawing, photo, or even a crafted version of the mushroom. I doubt anyone here would do such a thing so I hope you don't mind me thinking to do this for you.

I would have grown you some myself, but I couldn't find spores to cultivate and I'm not sure if you would really want them. So instead I spent some time making a charm of one. It doesn't look as great as I would like it to, but crafting and painting isn't something I've ever had time to do before. To make up for how bad the charm looks, I decided to make a little game. I've written three different meanings for the mushroom that reminds me of you. Two of them are lies, one of them is a common true meaning back in my world.

-This mushroom symbolizes someone who is physically slow and really quiet.

-This mushroom symbolizes someone who is cowardly yet pretends to be brave.

-This mushroom symbolizes the heart and soul of a knight. One who cares greatly for their loved ones to the point of becoming their sword and shield. It's usually given to those who have become official knights. Because of this custom, this mushroom has been nicknamed the "Knighthood Shroom".

After your birthday interview I'll tell you which one is true if you can't figure it out.

Signed Bobo Mycelind and Grim the Great!"

Deuce looked back in the box, noticing a roughly cut wooden charm with messy paint depicting some sort of white and blue mushroom on it. He lifted the small piece up, smiling as he contemplated what he should attach it to.

[dzpenumbra]

10/5/22

Weird day. Everything was off. Woke up and rushed to find groceries left on my porch for close to an hour. I think the food is all okay, there was a lot of chicken there. But it's cool out so I think it was fine. I got "breakfast" - half a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and an "emergency aka I don't want to make coffee Monster".

My mom came over and helped me sort my big pile of possessions that apparently just takes up half of my main room but I never really touch or look at. We sorted half of it a few days ago, today we tried to get the rest. I made it through a lot of it. Found old notepads with notes chronicling very difficult times. Times that should have been better. Well, maybe just could... I found some old lyrics that I don't remember writing, that's always a really cool feeling. Finding something that you wrote stream-of-consciousness and not recognizing that you were the author. It sounded like my style, but it was all new. Really cool experience when it's in lyric/poetry form, but really fucking weird how when I come across old journals and shit, stuff written in this format, I just kinda start freaking out a bit.

Freaking out is what I want to talk about, and fuck the whole "it's 7 AM, I should..." blah blah. Do I want to rush to sleep when it's already this late, or do I wanna work on my PTSD that I've been having like... a lot of attacks from lately. I've gotta do it sometime, and I spent the whole night just fucking off watching Twitch, playing Rimworld and rushing a not that great sketch for SketchDaily at 2AM. Let's break it up first though, start on a good note. I'm gonna go get the lyrics I found and share them with... well whoever reads this, I guess. If you stumbled across this and there isn't a Like (or whatever you guys call them on this site, I'm new, sorry. -_- ) then you are most likely the only other human being besides myself to hear these lyrics, so consider yourself very special!

I broke open the potion, motioning potently Hope my opening coping mechanisms, giving breath to living death We live in debt to thoughts that accost every sentimental pedal grinding cogs in the machine of dreams. Scream for serene mediocrity, premium property careening into poverty. So offer me your thoughts, you see I never let a picture of ghosts convict or repost my notes. Scoping venues of attack, cracking plastic masks we detach the masses with lactic acids and come back with passions, past visions of incisions digging deeper every second we progress. Stepping to the precipice, letting the second messages set and bet all my poker chips to open this Hopeless Opus. I know we'll overthrow this catastrophic masterpiece. At last I see. Rising from the ashes like a phoenix, taking flight into the Stars.

I think I'll call it "Hopeless Opus". And I think I'm gonna put it in my poetry book. I found it crumpled up in one of my storage bins or cardboard boxes of stuff on the floor. It's probably about 7-10 years old. I probably haven't read it since I wrote it. My house is full of this stuff. Poetry, sketches, half-finished projects, notebooks full of dream journals and sketches and doodles and minecraft diagrams and reference sheets for minecraft builds and notes for Subnautica recipes or Diablo 3 Rift run time-to-loot ratios. Shit like that. Chock full of it. It's pretty weird how this is just like... kinda normal to people in my world. Like... no one really looks at the shit I make and goes "We need to save that, we need to frame that and put it on a wall." Nope. This... We're getting to the root of my freakout today, by the way, so if you can feel that momentum, that intense gravity well in my writing that's just sucking this paragraph over towards this topic, that's what's goin on. Here we go. So let me set the scene.

I went to get my container that had... well basically all of my non-medical grade tattoo supplies. You see... there's a complete arc to my life story that I haven't really touched on here, and that I guess I don't often tell people. Well, I mean... it just doesn't really come up anymore? I guess? I don't know. So, when I decided my whole "custom graphics drawn on anything" store thing wasn't gonna work if I just tried to do it all myself (back in 2010), I decided to pursue tattoos. I mean, it's was a similar idea, and I did draw on skin a lot, and designed my own tattoos, right? So fuck it, let's go be a tattooist. I talked to my tattoo artist when I was getting a piece done by her, I still have the hand-drawn custom text font original sitting around somewhere. She kinda mangled the tattoo of it, to be honest. But I compulsively forgive, so like... it's not like it's permanent... But honestly, I'm more upset with where this went.

I asked her where she apprenticed, how to get into tattooing, if she's looking to take on an apprentice, that whole thing. She told me of this Tattoo School thing the next state over, she said she did that and just got licensed and set up shop. So... I cashed in my Americorps money and put it towards going to this school. I got tons of experience, and met some people. But I was kinda dumped out of the school back to my home state after. No one kept in touch. I met up with one of the guys I went with a few winters later, but it was weird, I was older and bought them booze and sat around sober at their party until I got bored and drove home. So... yeah, not the best scene, kinda super depressing actually now that I look back at it. So... yeah. I reached back out to my former artist, really hoping to follow up on finishing my hours under her. She shut me down. I shit you not. I had an art degree, I trusted her with 4 of my tattoos, she had no apprentice at the time and I went to the program she pointed me towards - the one she graduated from. And she turned me down.

So I went home and set up shop to do work for friends if they wanted it, two people took me up on it. Most of my work the next few years was tattoo design and portraiture commissions. I heard through the grapevine, from my best friend at the time who got one of the pieces she commission from me done by my old artist. I swear, at that point she probably inked more of my originals than her own... I'm a bit bitter... I heard that she had a new apprentice. That it was some teenage, maybe early 20s scene chick or something? Probably someone to just work the counters and clean or some shit.

I was dead in the water with tattooing. I didn't have any connections I could think of. The lady that ran the tattoo school moved down to Florida. The kid that had me buy beer worked at his dad's shop, they opened a new shop at some point I think? Fuck if I know. That whole thing was weird. But that kid tattooed a piece on my leg, so... weird how that's weird, I guess.

I didn't know anyone else. So I just went it alone. And fell back into design. Yeah. So just a few years ago, the winter before the pandemic, I went to a vocational rehabilitation program at the state offices. It was awkward as fuck. But the lady was really nice and her kids watched Twitch so she at least had an idea of what a livestream was. She hooked me up with an interview at an animal shelter as a dude who would be basically scooping cat shit and getting super bonded to animals, then watching them be put to death because they don't have a home to go to. And the lady who didn't hire me made a very fucking smart choice not hiring my ass. She saved me a lifetime of sleepless nights. The other meeting I had was with a tattoo shop like 3 towns over. They get a lot of good press, I had heard their name a lot. I showed up to the meeting about 30 minutes early, it was very early morning for me, probably around 8 or 9 AM. It was winter, and I'm just sitting in my car with the heater on trying to keep my music down, looking through my portfolio from years ago on my phone, waiting for the shop to open.

I went in, they seated me in the waiting area. They were still opening up and shit. I have no idea why this guy would schedule me first thing in the morning... that was really weird, in hindsight... but yeah, there I was, looking through their flashbooks on the table to get a feel for their styles, to familiarize myself with it, see if there were common trends I could bring up. I mean, they could be my future coworkers, I should be cool about it and not just brag and show off the whole time.

The guy brings me in to his booth. I start talking about my work and showing him some pieces on my phone. He was acting pretty aloof and, I don't know, distant I guess? Maybe he was just confused or tunnel-visioned or something. After the conversation was visibly not working for both of us, I don't really know what happened exactly, it was a few years ago... but he made it clear that he thought I was here for a tattoo appointment, and I was very clearly there for a job interview. He went on to start telling me a story about how he did an apprenticeship once, and the guy went to a town probably 40 minutes away from him, over a mountain range, and set up a shop in a remote rural area. He claimed the guy stole his business, ripped him off essentially, and set up a competing business in his area or some shit. I heard stories about this mentality in the school.

I very clearly didn't get the apprenticeship. I tried to explain that I just needed hours and that I was planning on leaving the state anyway so like... it's not the end of the world... but it was a hard no. And I really should have guessed seeing that when I looked at the site after, the only people in the shop were him, his wife, his daughter and her boyfriend/fiancee/husband/whatever. No clue why that dude agreed to set up a meeting with me, honestly. That was actually really shitty of him. Maybe he just wasn't thinking or something. Weird shit.

So that's pretty much where I just said fuck the tattoo thing. It was never my favorite medium. Nervewracking, stressful, tactilely overwhelming. It was good money, but it was never my favorite. It had its spiritual angles that appealed, and I got pretty good at it for a while, but I laid that baton down that day. I haven't really looked back since. Fuck that shit.

Then I reconnected with another friend from way back. He wanted to pursue tattooing, and actually turned down an apprenticeship that was offered to him. This was at like late spring/early summer of the pandemic. I offered him all of my tattoo gear. For free. My coil machines, my needles, my inks, even my rotary and the cartridges for it. They were relics from a bygone era. It's not the life for me. He turned them down. He wanted to do it his way. You know, the same reason he turned down the apprenticeship. That thing. So, yeah.

Today. I got the bin of tattoo stuff. The stuff that wasn't medical grade. The sketches, the prototypes, the piles of unused transfer paper (that would have been used as tattoo stencils). I mean, like over 100. IN THE TRASH. My old catalogue from 2013. IN THE TRASH. I debated throwing away the script from the highschool play I was in that my bandmate's friend was in. The one who played bass for us on stage in a Spiderman suit. I started to get stuck. I threw away some of my art today. Sketches, failed prototypes, but so much of it that it just. All of it hit me. Really hard.

I can't even really explain what happened. I just got really... offended, I guess? Or... just insanely deeply acutely depressed all at once? Or something. I really want to try and articulate this feeling, because then I can remember it for when it inevitably hits again. I was sad and angry and outraged and hurt all at the same time. I felt like if I'm such a talented artist, why the fuck does no one want any of my shit?! If I'm so good and skilled, why the hell is it all going into the trash. I feel in that moment like the kid who had his art pinned to the fridge having to take his own work down and put it in the trash himself, and learn through doing - not from being told in a kind, caring and fair way - that he is not a good artist. He will not be a professional artist. He is not talented enough, and no one will even tell him what skills to improve. No one will even tell him where he's going wrong, what he's missing. They just say "it's great, you're very talented" and then walk the fuck away. So a lot of me just goes, "okay, they're clearly just trying to be polite" and try to figure out what I could make better. But that shit was making me a perfectionist, and I'm very susceptible to OCD habits, so I tried to break free from it. I tried to engage - "what do you like about it? who is your favorite character? what could I do better?" Shit like that. But they're usually out the door by then.

So I bitched to the only person in the world helping me with anything about how no one helps me. About all that. And how I wish people would just tell me that I suck to my face so I can just put an end to all this crap. So I don't have to keep going on deluding myself into thinking I have a future with this. That part of me is very convincing, he makes very compelling points. It's hard to let him speak when I don't fully accept his narrative. I truly know I have talent. I do. But when every bit of evidence in front of you is screaming "the only reason people don't want shit is because they don't like it"... and you fight back against that? When you're the only person that wants your shit? That's just egotism. It's narcissism. I fucking hate it. So rock, meet hard place. Me sandwiched between.

So in that moment, I search for meaning. I search for exemptions to this damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. I explain how I wouldnt have this problem if people valued my shit. How demeaning it is that people can't even bother to go to my print shop that's been up for like 2 years. Why? Because... I mean... I don't know? Why is this hard? Just give people my Instagram, my profile has a link on it. I mean that's just like... How. Fucking. Lazy. Are People?! Do you need me to swipe your card for you too? I mean come on here. I think I literally said that to my Mom, like "I could hold a tablet with the shop up and Pay Now button on the damn screen and I'd still have to pull their arm over to press the screen." And you say you like my shit? You say it's good? It's like bargain bin prices too, it's super insulting. So yeah, you can probably tell by how worked up I am now how irritated I was getting there.

So yeah. A long path to get to that place. And that place was clearly a combination of a lot of intensely stressful and life-changing moments. A large nerve cluster at the center where this web of experiences meet. I guess they call that "complex trauma"? I don't know the jargon.

After a while of trying to get through that, eventually it kinda just faded down I guess, I don't know how. I really don't remember a ton. Maybe I let it go or something, I don't know. But the whole time I was just... I don't know... waiting to hear something different. Waiting to hear someone say "you better not give up on this." "You have a gift, you need to see it through, you've already come this far, don't give up now." Shit like that. Not like, you need to get better at marketing. Not like, you need to make more friends. Not like, you need to figure out how to fix this yourself. These are the sentiments I read from the situation, there's a reason they're not direct quotes.

So yeah, a bit of a Yin and Yang here in this journal that I was going to depressedly skip and just try to pass out, but instead stayed up until 8:30 AM typing because fuck it, I need to get this shit out and it's a rollercoaster of a story. I'm glad I got to share the poetry too, I think it's very relevant to a lot of what I'm dealing with here, at least parts of it.

I can feel myself winding down. Thank you for reading if you did. This is the story of how my career went to shit. But it led me to freelance, streaming and content creation, so in the end, this may be a better life for me than the one I was signing up for. I guess we'll have to see!